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Speaker 1: When you're with somebody, I don't want you to focus

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Speaker 1: on how do they feel about me? I want you

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Speaker 1: to focus on how do I feel in my body

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Speaker 1: when I'm with this person. We're so focused on are

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Speaker 1: they choosing me? Are they going to pick me, that

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Speaker 1: we end up self abandoning and say my wants, needs

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Speaker 1: and desires don't matter. I need you to like me.

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Speaker 2: Hey, everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the place you

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Speaker 2: come to become a happier, healthier, and more healed. Today's

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Speaker 2: guest is someone that I'm a huge fan of. I've

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Speaker 2: been following her online for quite a bit now, and

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Speaker 2: I'm so excited to introduce you to her. I'm sitting

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Speaker 2: down with Sabrina Zoha, creator, podcast host and one of

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Speaker 2: the most viral voices in modern dating. If you've ever

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Speaker 2: found yourself chasing people who don't choose you, mistaking chaos

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Speaker 2: for chemistry, or wondering why love feels so hard, this

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Speaker 2: episode is going to hit home. Sabrina and I are

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Speaker 2: going to dive into the patterns that keep you stuck,

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Speaker 2: the boundaries that set you free, and the self worth

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Speaker 2: you need to finally date with clarity, confidence and intention.

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Speaker 2: And I love her nobs approach. Please welcome to On Purpose,

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Speaker 2: Sabrina Zoha, Sabrina. It's great to have you here.

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Speaker 1: Jay, I am so excited to be here. Thank you

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Speaker 1: for having me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm I Honestly, when I've been following your content

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Speaker 2: and watching your videos, I was like, I need to

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Speaker 2: sit down with this one. She's got amazing insights. I

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Speaker 2: love how practically is, how real it is. But let's

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Speaker 2: dive to write in. I think the challenge today is,

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Speaker 2: or at least what I feel people struggling with, is

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Speaker 2: almost like the old challenge of sitting there with a

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Speaker 2: flower and going they love me, they love me not?

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Speaker 2: They love me, they love me not? And I don't

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Speaker 2: know when that was invented, but I feel like we're ruminating,

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Speaker 2: we're overthinking, we're procrastinating. How do you know if someone's

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Speaker 2: actually into you.

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Speaker 1: It's so funny. Thank you for reminding me about the flower, because,

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Speaker 1: as you said, I was like, oh, my childhood. I

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Speaker 1: think what we're really looking for for me. I'm a

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Speaker 1: big on effort, eagles interest, and I think we're getting

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Speaker 1: in a time where that effort is starting to get muddied.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 1: We're looking at it as Are they texting me every day?

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Speaker 1: Are they contacting me? And we're looking at these dopamine

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Speaker 1: hits as opposed to actually connecting with people, and so

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Speaker 1: I think, for me, are you feeling safe, seen and

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Speaker 1: secure with this person? Now that might not happen after

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Speaker 1: one date, but is this somebody that is reciprocal? Are

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Speaker 1: they intentional? Are they consistent? Are they showing up for you?

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Speaker 1: And that doesn't just mean that they don't text you

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Speaker 1: for a day, but is this person making plans? Are

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Speaker 1: they actually progressing the relationship? And I think for me,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'll be honest, like I have ADHD, so

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Speaker 1: my cadence, my speech, I'm a totally different the way

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Speaker 1: that my brain works, So I might show up differently

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Speaker 1: and be super keen on somebody, whereas my partner super

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Speaker 1: avoidant and he's not in the texting, and his way

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Speaker 1: of showing up is I'm going to spend time with you.

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Speaker 1: And so I think it's really important when we're actually

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Speaker 1: trying to assess if somebody likes you. I want to

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Speaker 1: see one, how does your nervous system feel? Are we

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Speaker 1: constantly in this hypo arousal hyper arousal? Are we high?

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Speaker 1: Are we low, But I really think it goes back

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Speaker 1: to the old school way of doing it. Can you

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Speaker 1: have an open conversation with them, and at the end

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Speaker 1: of the day, can you just ask them, Hey, how

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Speaker 1: are you feeling about this and what are your intentions

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Speaker 1: with where we're going. I know it sounds like, oh,

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Speaker 1: we all want to trick and we all want to

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Speaker 1: like something that we can look at. But I found

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Speaker 1: really most people are pretty apt to having a conversation

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Speaker 1: if we approach it in the right way.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think you're right. I think the challenge

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Speaker 2: is that a lot of us still believe that love

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Speaker 2: has to be earned and love has to be one

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Speaker 2: and so we love the idea of chasing and pursuing someone,

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Speaker 2: and they become more attractive the more they avoid us,

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Speaker 2: and they become more exciting, the more elusive they are,

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Speaker 2: and them not messaging back for three days almost makes

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Speaker 2: us think like they must be really busy and cool

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Speaker 2: and interesting, and so I've really got to work harder

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Speaker 2: only for us to feel let down because all of

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Speaker 2: those were just signs that I'm not into you. So

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Speaker 2: why is it that we chase people who are disinterested

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Speaker 2: or showing disconnect, not doing all the things you just said.

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Speaker 2: They're not consistent. They don't make you feel safe. They

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Speaker 2: actually make you feel insecure because you're constantly wondering whether

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Speaker 2: they like you or not? Why do we keep chasing them?

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Speaker 2: And what should we do instead?

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Speaker 1: The number one question I ask is if you're chasing somebody,

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Speaker 1: if you're going into the ruminating and the spiral ing,

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Speaker 1: I want you to check in with how old do

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Speaker 1: you feel? And where did I learn this from? Because

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Speaker 1: those are the two questions, two things in general that

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Speaker 1: changed my life. Now why do we do it? It's interesting

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Speaker 1: because when we ask why questions, and not that we're

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Speaker 1: not going to answer it, but ourselves. Why don't they

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Speaker 1: like me? Why don't they why aren't they ent to me?

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Speaker 1: That's intellectualizing, And when we're intellectualizing, that's our way of saying,

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Speaker 1: if I can understand it intellectually, I don't have to

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Speaker 1: feel it. And for a lot of us, at least me,

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Speaker 1: I grew up in a very chaotic household. I grew

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Speaker 1: up with no safety. Really, there wasn't a presence of

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Speaker 1: joy or love, and so for me it felt familiar.

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Speaker 1: My nervous system understand, oh, you're not into me similar

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Speaker 1: to my dad. Then let me make you, let me

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Speaker 1: earn it. And then there's the term repetition compulsion. Have

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Speaker 1: you heard of it?

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Speaker 2: Okay, no, I've no, Actually yeah, So.

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Speaker 1: Repetition compulsion is a Freudian term, and essentially what it

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Speaker 1: means is you're going to date the parts of you

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Speaker 1: that haven't been healed.

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Speaker 2: And so it's say that again, that is so good.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So repetition compulsion means you're going to date the

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Speaker 1: parts of you that haven't been here. So for me,

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Speaker 1: I had a narcissistic father. Every man I dated was

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Speaker 1: incredibly narcissistic. Why because my nervous systems homeostasis was you

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Speaker 1: need to earn it. You're not enough. There's something wrong

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Speaker 1: with you that gets wired into us before words can

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Speaker 1: even be said out of our mouths. That is wired

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Speaker 1: in based on how your caregivers are tuned to your needs,

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Speaker 1: how are they showing up for you? And I want

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Speaker 1: to preface as well, no one's villainizing anybody's parents. This

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Speaker 1: isn't about you are the worst parents. You had a

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Speaker 1: big ta trauma. Oftentimes it could be those small little

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Speaker 1: paper cuts that start to add up. Maybe you had

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Speaker 1: a parent that was really busy and they just didn't

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Speaker 1: make eye contact with you. And so now you feel

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Speaker 1: that I need to get somebody. And oftentimes we're self

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Speaker 1: abandoning because if I can get you to like me,

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Speaker 1: well then my dad was wrong and everybody in the

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Speaker 1: past was wrong. But what happens then it reaffirms my

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Speaker 1: core belief. See, I knew there was something wrong with me.

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Speaker 1: That person doesn't want me, I couldn't change them. That's

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Speaker 1: where I ask when I start to chase somebody, how

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Speaker 1: old do I feel? Do I feel like a kid?

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Speaker 1: Do I feel like man? I feel like I'm seven

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Speaker 1: years old talking to my dad. So then we're not

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Speaker 1: actually present, We're not in this present moment. We're not

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Speaker 1: coming from the adult. We're coming from the little wounded

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Speaker 1: kid that just needs to be seen, heard, loved, and understood.

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Speaker 1: Then what I would say is I start to look

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Speaker 1: and say, what are my choices? If you can't access

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Speaker 1: your choice, then that means we need to regulate. And

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Speaker 1: so this is something that actually blew my mind. My

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Speaker 1: friend's a brilliant neuroscientist. His name is doctor Chris Lee,

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Speaker 1: and he taught me your state determines your story determines

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Speaker 1: your strategy.

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Speaker 2: Tell me about what that state means.

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Speaker 1: So the state being are you, what is your nervous system?

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Speaker 3: State?

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Speaker 1: Are you regulated? Meaning I can access my prefrontal cortex,

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Speaker 1: I can access choice. Right now, I feel safe, both

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Speaker 1: of us are here. But if somebody came in with

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Speaker 1: a knife, we would get disregulated. You might bolt, I

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Speaker 1: might freeze, right, our nervous system will change.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I would just leave you right.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, But everybody handles it differently. Right, you might fight.

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Speaker 1: Everybody is going to come out depending on what feels

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Speaker 1: safe and in the moment. But oftentimes the problem is

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Speaker 1: that there's no tiger, there's no threat. It's just our

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Speaker 1: nervous system is perceiving it because our brain wants to

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Speaker 1: save space. And if our brain says it's easier for

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Speaker 1: me to go, this always happens. Then I don't have

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Speaker 1: to turn my proferntal court text on it access that

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Speaker 1: place of choice. So when we look at your state,

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Speaker 1: think about it in if I'm super disregulated, my state

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Speaker 1: is going to determine the story. I'm not safe. I

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Speaker 1: need this person to answer me there's something wrong with me,

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Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, which will then determine my strategy.

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Speaker 1: I'll text them again. I'll get them to like me

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Speaker 1: as opposed to I need to learn to sit in

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Speaker 1: the discomfort I have to allow myself because when we

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Speaker 1: can sit in the discomfort and expand our window of tolerance,

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Speaker 1: which essentially means how long we can stay in our

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Speaker 1: ventral state versus going up and down. When you expand

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Speaker 1: your window of tolerance, you can handle more things. Then

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Speaker 1: it's not as scary. Right the person that doesn't call you,

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Speaker 1: it's that's okay. Maybe they're going through something. I don't

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Speaker 1: need to make it about me. But oftentimes the reason

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Speaker 1: we go after these emotionally unavailable people is because they're familiar.

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Speaker 1: They're familiar, they're safe, and it's a baseline because if

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Speaker 1: that's all you've known, then that's all you're going to do.

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Speaker 1: You can't do better until you know better.

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Speaker 2: Do you take perfect clients? There's many people want to

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Speaker 2: introduce you to. Now. I'm so excited that you're here.

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Speaker 2: I couldn't agree with you more. And that's that's sat

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Speaker 2: so deeply and resonated so strongly for me. Right now

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Speaker 2: as you're saying it, is this such a thing as

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Speaker 2: immediate red flags? Are there things that people can say

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Speaker 2: and do that you consider it to be immediate red flags?

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Speaker 1: One hundred percent? I have a few that come to mind.

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Speaker 1: The first one is my favorite question to ask on

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Speaker 1: a first date is how did your last relationship end?

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Speaker 1: And what did it teach you about yourself? I don't

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Speaker 1: care about your ex I really I could give a shit.

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Speaker 1: What I care about is what did you learn from it?

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Speaker 1: Are you growth minded? Do you take accountability and ownership?

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Speaker 1: For instance, the biggest thing that narcissists will say is

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Speaker 1: all my exes are crazy. Okay, well, if all of

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Speaker 1: your exes are crazy, what's your accountability in it? Do

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Speaker 1: you have any empathy for their experience? That off the

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Speaker 1: bat shows us no thank you. Another thing that I

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Speaker 1: always suggest to run is when somebody tries to say

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Speaker 1: you deserve better, Because when someone says you deserve better,

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Speaker 1: what they're saying is I'm not going to become the

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Speaker 1: version of what you need me to be, so you

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Speaker 1: should find somebody else. We also want to look what

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Speaker 1: happens when you say no, that doesn't work for me.

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Speaker 1: Do they respect your boundaries? Are they pushing back? I've

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Speaker 1: had that right when I dated if somebody said I

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Speaker 1: want to go out at ten o'clock, I would say,

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Speaker 1: oh no, I go to bed by nine thirty. I

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Speaker 1: apologize it doesn't work for me. Why don't we do six?

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Speaker 1: Oh wow? What is there something wrong? Or is your

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Speaker 1: babysit or not going to let you unmatch immediately because

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Speaker 1: you didn't respect what I had to say. So then

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Speaker 1: what are we leading towards? If off the bat, you're

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Speaker 1: making fun of me for setting a boundary. So I

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Speaker 1: think what's important is we're so focused on are they

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Speaker 1: choosing me? Are they going to pick me? That we

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Speaker 1: end up self abandoning and say my wants, needs and

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Speaker 1: desires don't matter. I need you to like me. And

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Speaker 1: so we then overlook all the red flags of well

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Speaker 1: are they showing, are they holding any space for you?

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Speaker 1: Do they use eye statements? Or do they blame you

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Speaker 1: for everything?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: These are the little things that we overlook, and not

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Speaker 1: because there's anything wrong with us, but because maybe we

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Speaker 1: weren't taught any better. And I know I wasn't. I

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Speaker 1: used to think grandiosity and the charm. Butterflies, those are

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Speaker 1: my favorite thing, until I found out butterflies are actually

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Speaker 1: your nervous system's a way of telling you that you

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Speaker 1: might need to run because if that person wasn't as attractive,

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Speaker 1: you probably wouldn't be as interested.

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Speaker 2: That's exactly what I find. We're willing to tolerate so

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Speaker 2: so much poor treatment because we find someone attractive, interesting,

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Speaker 2: or fascinating in whatever way, whether it's their mind, their body,

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Speaker 2: their face, their charm, and someone who doesn't have those

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Speaker 2: features that we subjectively are attracted to, even if they

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Speaker 2: did all the other things, we just pushed them away.

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Speaker 2: But again, it comes back down to what you're saying

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Speaker 2: that those butterflies that we trust as a sign of

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Speaker 2: excitement and chemistry and desire are usually a sign of please.

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Speaker 2: You're feeding all this, but don't ignore all of this.

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Speaker 2: And the natural thing is it just hijacks that mindset

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Speaker 2: and it takes away all of the sense that we

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Speaker 2: have and we've all had that feeling, right you meet

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Speaker 2: someone and you're so enthralled and impressed by them that

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Speaker 2: you completely ignored all of these things. How do we

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Speaker 2: feel a sense of spark in chemistry with someone but

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Speaker 2: not forget our head?

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Speaker 1: So that's really goes back to that regulating because here's

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Speaker 1: the fallacy that I think a lot of people may

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Speaker 1: not understand about a healthy and secure relationship is if

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Speaker 1: you're having high highs and low lows, then that is

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Speaker 1: inherently not healthy and secure because what we have is

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Speaker 1: intermittent reinforcement. Are they giving me a little? Okay, I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. Oh,

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Speaker 1: I come crashing down, then they give me a little

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Speaker 1: We're high low high low. A healthy and secure relationship

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Speaker 1: for me, at least, was a lot less exciting. It was, Oh,

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Speaker 1: when I communicate with you, you validate what I just said,

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Speaker 1: so I don't have to argue with you. I don't

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Speaker 1: have to prove my worth. And for a lot of

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Speaker 1: us that can feel really scary. I know when the

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Speaker 1: first time I said a boundary, I was terrified. I

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Speaker 1: was so scared. I'm like, he's gonna leave me, He's

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Speaker 1: not gonna like me, he's gonna think I'm too much.

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Speaker 1: And that was how I thought of myself, and that's

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Speaker 1: what I was projecting onto him. Now did people in

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Speaker 1: the past do that one hundred percent? But I have

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Speaker 1: met my fair share. I'm a heterosexual woman, so I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna speak in those norms where I've gone on dates

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Speaker 1: with men that are. I'll tell you a story. I

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Speaker 1: had a date that was written in the stars, right.

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Speaker 1: I remember, I was like sweating sitting next to this guy.

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Speaker 1: People were like, you guys have been together for years now.

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Speaker 1: It's our first date and we're together for five hours

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Speaker 1: and we make out at the bar. It's a whole thing.

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Speaker 1: And I was supposed to see me again. Didn't end

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Speaker 1: up seeing each other years later. This was an on

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Speaker 1: and off, on and off thing, and he kept getting

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Speaker 1: a girlfriend and on and off. Years later, I'm getting

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Speaker 1: I'm in an appointment. I didn't want to give it

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Speaker 1: away by saying where I was. Years later, I'm in

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Speaker 1: an appointment. I'm telling the girl this story, and all

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Speaker 1: of a sudden, she stops and goes what was his name?

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Speaker 1: And I said his name and she turned white and

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Speaker 1: she started shaking, and she's like, that's my narcissistic ex

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Speaker 1: who literally ruined me. And she was hyperventilating and I

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Speaker 1: had to hold her and I was like, oh my god,

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Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and she was like, he was abusive,

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Speaker 1: he was doing all of these things to me. I

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Speaker 1: finally got out, You're so lucky you didn't go down

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Speaker 1: that road. And in the moment. She was right because

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Speaker 1: I completely overlooked the fact that he lied to me

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Speaker 1: a bunch of times. He never took accountability. He was

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Speaker 1: constantly deflecting. There was zero depth. Right. He didn't want

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Speaker 1: to have the conversations. Now, that's different than if he

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Speaker 1: wanted to he would, That's not what I'm talking about.

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Speaker 1: He didn't have the capacity. And so I think what

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Speaker 1: we're looking for is when you're with somebody, I don't

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Speaker 1: want you to focus on how do they feel about me?

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Speaker 1: I really don't care. I want you to focus on

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Speaker 1: how do I feel in my body when I'm with

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Speaker 1: this person? Do I feel secure? Do I feel confident

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Speaker 1: that I could say what I need? Or am I

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Speaker 1: scared that everything I say I don't know how they're

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Speaker 1: going to react. You can be excited, but my mama

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Speaker 1: has said to me, anytime you're excited, you need to

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Speaker 1: add something at the end of the sentence. For now,

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Speaker 1: and everything was. I had a great date for now.

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Speaker 1: I really liked this guy for now because what it

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Speaker 1: allows us to do is be in the present moment.

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Speaker 1: For now. I really like this, But I'm not projecting

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Speaker 1: on the future. I'm not putting that I'm only safe

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Speaker 1: if I have this person, Because when we put someone

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Speaker 1: in a pedestal, we're saying they're above us. I have

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Speaker 1: to have them. But really what we're looking for is

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Speaker 1: two equals. Right, I give eighty percent one day, maybe

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Speaker 1: you give eighty percent, and we're balancing and we're going

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Speaker 1: back and forth. But the presence of safety and a

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Speaker 1: healthy and secure relationship actually means that it's going to

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Speaker 1: be a lot less up and down, and it's going

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Speaker 1: to be a lot more consistent. And for people like

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Speaker 1: me that grew up in chaos, that felt really scary

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Speaker 1: because I didn't understand it.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, about what about someone? I've heard this a lot lately,

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Speaker 2: and that's what I'm asking you from people i'm coaching

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Speaker 2: and working with. What happens when someone shows you all

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Speaker 2: the right things for four to six weeks, So they

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Speaker 2: text back, they're consistent, they show up when they say

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Speaker 2: they will, and then all of a sudden, after six

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Speaker 2: weeks of spending nearly every other day together or seeing

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Speaker 2: each other multiple times a week, they change. Now they're inconsistent.

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Speaker 2: Now they message back after three days. Now they don't

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Speaker 2: have time to see you. Something's come up in their life,

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Speaker 2: and then you're waiting around only for three months in

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Speaker 2: they go, yeah, this is not working out. That comes

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Speaker 2: with such a shock to people. Now. Love bombings one version,

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Speaker 2: but that often feels like it's one person just trying

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Speaker 2: to win you and show you and kind of, you know,

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Speaker 2: kind of give you this perspection that they love you.

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Speaker 2: But this is more like, no, we're just both being adults.

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Speaker 2: We're connecting. There seems to be regulation, there seems to

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Speaker 2: be consistency. I'm seeing all the good signs, but then

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Speaker 2: two months in you're a totally different person. How have

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Speaker 2: you seen people deal with that in a good way

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Speaker 2: or in a healthy way.

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Speaker 1: It's jarring, right, It would never I'll never discredit one's

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Speaker 1: experience that when you think everything's good, but even you

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Speaker 1: said something in the beginning that was really important. If

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Speaker 1: they spend every other day together, it's like, that's intensity,

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Speaker 1: and that's the thing. And that's why I can feel

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Speaker 1: really scary and really because there's a lot of people,

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Speaker 1: depending on the attachment style that they have, where they

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Speaker 1: go and they operate from feeling's minusphere, and so for

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Speaker 1: some people they'll go in one hundred percent of I

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Speaker 1: feel really good now I feel really good now because

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Speaker 1: they're not taking a minute to say, hey, is this

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Speaker 1: actually what I want? What does this person have are

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Speaker 1: their qualities? For a lot of people, they might enter

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Speaker 1: it in in excitement. Look they're there, I'm here, and

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Speaker 1: we're excited. We're excited, we're excited, and then the novelty

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Speaker 1: is off because the person is consistent because they're not

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Speaker 1: playing games, they're not being activated in the same way.

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Speaker 1: And that's usually when you'll start to see the pull away.

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Speaker 1: For me, so I'm a big proponent of going slow.

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Speaker 1: Going slow isn't an excuse for bad behavior. Going slow

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Speaker 1: just means you're not expediting the stages of the relationship

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Speaker 1: quicker than they need to be. And so what that

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Speaker 1: could even look like is saying, I sorry, I have

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Speaker 1: plans this week. I can only see you once or

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Speaker 1: twice because I'm maintaining my life. You haven't earned a

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Speaker 1: place in my life yet. And I see that a

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Speaker 1: lot of the times. And I used to be her.

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Speaker 1: I would meet a guy. I saw this terrible dating advice.

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Speaker 1: She said, always have your dates on Thursday, because if

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Speaker 1: it goes well, you can make plans for Saturday. And

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Speaker 1: I said, oh, absolutely not, no, ma'am, because then I'm

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Speaker 1: too accessible. Then what I'm telling this person is I

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Speaker 1: have nothing going on, what do you want to do?

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Speaker 1: And instead they're an addition to my life non instead

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Speaker 1: of And so if I'm welcoming you into my life,

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Speaker 1: you have to earn that place into my life. And

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Speaker 1: so I would say this, if it's happened, the best

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Speaker 1: thing to do is want not take it personally, because

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Speaker 1: we have to ask how could it be you?

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Speaker 3: Now?

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Speaker 1: If you can remove yourself and say, Yike's okay? I

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Speaker 1: text them three hundred times yesterday I called them a bunch,

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Speaker 1: I started accusing them. Great, if you can be self

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Speaker 1: aware enough to remove yourself and understand it. But a

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Speaker 1: lot of the times we have to say, what's the

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Speaker 1: story and the narrative that you've created about the situation,

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Speaker 1: because that's usually what's hurting more. It's less about of course, right,

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Speaker 1: But if you knew this person for a month and

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Speaker 1: a half, do you really know anything about them? Or

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Speaker 1: is it the idea of them the scarcity mindset? I

401
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Speaker 1: might never meet anybody else. They were the best I've met.

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Speaker 1: I haven't met anyone like this, So then we're already

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Speaker 1: putting them in a place that they haven't earned, because

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Speaker 1: if they were so amazing, then they would have stuck

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Speaker 1: around and instead of thinking about what if, we have

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Speaker 1: to look at what is, and what is is that

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Speaker 1: this person didn't show up in the ways that I need.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't work for me.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't wait to send that to so many

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Speaker 2: people to listen to because sadly it seems to be

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Speaker 2: the reality. And I agree with you completely that it's

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Speaker 2: all about that regulation because when we like something, we

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Speaker 2: want to fall in love and we want it to

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Speaker 2: be real, and we want to speed it up, and

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Speaker 2: we want to spend every night with that person, because

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Speaker 2: that's what the movie showed us, and that's what the

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Speaker 2: music talked about, and that's what we believed was love.

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Speaker 2: Not only to realize that you are just making your

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Speaker 2: access weaker, you're giving away all of yourself with not

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Speaker 2: even knowing whether this person deserves it or has the

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Speaker 2: values for it, or has the character for it. And

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Speaker 2: you can see it in hindsight, but then you go

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Speaker 2: make the same mistake because we all just want to

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Speaker 2: be wanted so bad. We all want to be needed

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Speaker 2: so bad. We want to be loved so bad that

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Speaker 2: we're willing to give away our energy, our presence, our

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Speaker 2: body freely because it just feels so good to be wanted.

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Speaker 1: Course, who doesn't want to be wanted? But here's my question,

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Speaker 1: who do you want to be wanted by them? Or you?

430
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,199
Speaker 1: More often than not, when we're I need them, I

431
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,760
Speaker 1: need them. Your littles aren't scared that they're going to

432
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,399
Speaker 1: leave you. You're little just scared that you're going to

433
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,760
Speaker 1: leave them, because that's what's always happened to them. If

434
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,680
Speaker 1: growing up, even for me, my experience was my father

435
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:20,200
Speaker 1: was very abusive to us and he was not Father

436
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,480
Speaker 1: of the Year by any means, and so for me,

437
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:24,320
Speaker 1: it was please come back for me, Please come back

438
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:26,600
Speaker 1: for me. And I didn't realize that in my dating life,

439
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,240
Speaker 1: I was doing to her what my dad did to me.

440
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,480
Speaker 1: I was doing to her and saying you don't matter

441
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,400
Speaker 1: to me, get away your too much. So if I'm

442
00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:35,479
Speaker 1: shaming and blaming myself, how am I going to grow?

443
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:37,760
Speaker 1: If I show myself compassion, I can actually do that,

444
00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:40,800
Speaker 1: and I understand the need and desire to be wanted.

445
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,679
Speaker 1: But if we my mom again will say, if you

446
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,840
Speaker 1: got to love yourself, more than the need to be

447
00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:48,560
Speaker 1: loved by other people. It's not that I can't love

448
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,840
Speaker 1: you if you don't love yourself. That's a fallacy. Money

449
00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:52,359
Speaker 1: of people can love you if you don't love yourself.

450
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,880
Speaker 1: But if I need you in my life versus want

451
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,439
Speaker 1: you in my life, it's going to be very dangerous.

452
00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,200
Speaker 1: And I found that out when my dog passed away.

453
00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:00,560
Speaker 1: I used to joke when he was alive, I'd be like, Oh,

454
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,520
Speaker 1: he's never going to die. Oh he's never going to die.

455
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,480
Speaker 1: And then he did, and it happened within ten days,

456
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:09,439
Speaker 1: and it was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. And

457
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,879
Speaker 1: I lost everything in that moment. And that's when I

458
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,080
Speaker 1: realized I can't be so beholden to an external because

459
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,000
Speaker 1: I lost myself. I was a shell of a human.

460
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,320
Speaker 1: But I started my career at the same time, and

461
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,720
Speaker 1: I made that promise to myself, I will never and

462
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,240
Speaker 1: so even in my partnership now, I love my partner.

463
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:26,320
Speaker 1: I think he is one of the most amazing people

464
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,240
Speaker 1: I've met. But I also know that if today we

465
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,320
Speaker 1: decided it wasn't going to work, I'd move on with

466
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,359
Speaker 1: my life, not because I don't love him, and not

467
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,080
Speaker 1: because I don't think that we could have a beautiful

468
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,960
Speaker 1: life together. But I also know that my life goes

469
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,359
Speaker 1: on and I can't be holding onto somebody else hoping

470
00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:41,119
Speaker 1: that they're going to validate and choose me for me

471
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:42,680
Speaker 1: to live that life.

472
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,920
Speaker 2: I'm so sorry for your loss. What was your dog's name?

473
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,439
Speaker 1: His name was Clem. I've got him. He was my

474
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,920
Speaker 1: best friend and he was my object permanence. He was

475
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,400
Speaker 1: with me for ten years and he saw every heartbreak,

476
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:53,960
Speaker 1: he saw everything, and I think at the end of

477
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,040
Speaker 1: the day, what he taught me was that there are

478
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,760
Speaker 1: things in people that can love you for who you are.

479
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,280
Speaker 1: Like I know, I know I'm a big personal I

480
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,560
Speaker 1: know I talk fast, and I have a different cadence

481
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,159
Speaker 1: and I come out of the bat and I know

482
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,960
Speaker 1: that a lot of people might not like that. But

483
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,119
Speaker 1: if I hate that about myself, how am I going

484
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:09,880
Speaker 1: to be with someone that loves that about me? Because

485
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,360
Speaker 1: I'm constantly going to be trying to change that. Yeah,

486
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,439
Speaker 1: and so my dog really taught me this really unconditional

487
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,439
Speaker 1: love and what that means. And he also taught me

488
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,520
Speaker 1: that I don't need to be for everybody and that's okay.

489
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, well said beautiful lessons. I feel like right now

490
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:30,320
Speaker 2: everyone is exhausted with dating apps, setting up dates, figuring

491
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:32,840
Speaker 2: out who's going to pay for it, where you're going

492
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,040
Speaker 2: to meet, Where do you start? If you're exhausted with

493
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,560
Speaker 2: dating but you want to find love.

494
00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:39,760
Speaker 1: I think what's really important is we have to look

495
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,280
Speaker 1: at what's exhausting us. I used to get exhausted from

496
00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:44,960
Speaker 1: dating because I was putting so much pressure. I was

497
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,960
Speaker 1: putting all I would match with a guy and be

498
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:49,920
Speaker 1: checking my phone hype like every three seconds. Where are they?

499
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,440
Speaker 1: Have they answered me? Because what was I saying? They're

500
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,199
Speaker 1: going to make my life better? This is what I'm

501
00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,359
Speaker 1: waiting for, this is what it is. And if I'm again,

502
00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:59,280
Speaker 1: if I'm not focused on what is right now, then

503
00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:01,280
Speaker 1: I'm thinking of all of these other things it could be.

504
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:04,119
Speaker 1: And so I would say, if you're tired from dating,

505
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,080
Speaker 1: then we have to start taking a break where they need.

506
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,480
Speaker 1: And that just means again, let's talk about state story strategy.

507
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,760
Speaker 1: If your state is burnout and exhaustion and you are

508
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,639
Speaker 1: just completely done, then your story is going to be

509
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,960
Speaker 1: there's no one for me. I'm so tired, I'm never

510
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,960
Speaker 1: going to meet anybody. I want this to be done.

511
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,080
Speaker 1: So what's your strategy going to be. You're going to

512
00:21:23,119 --> 00:21:25,280
Speaker 1: constantly go after the wrong people. You'll hold onto people

513
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,360
Speaker 1: because you're scared to let them go. And I think,

514
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,000
Speaker 1: here's the thing. What I've learned and why people are

515
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,280
Speaker 1: so tired of dating is because they haven't learned to grieve.

516
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:35,320
Speaker 1: Because when you hold onto everything and you haven't learned

517
00:21:35,359 --> 00:21:37,520
Speaker 1: how to grieve the ending of things, it's going to

518
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,040
Speaker 1: be very difficult for you to move on and go

519
00:21:40,080 --> 00:21:42,199
Speaker 1: to the next and go to the next. Because the

520
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,120
Speaker 1: reality is my partner always says, think of the stupidest

521
00:21:45,160 --> 00:21:47,400
Speaker 1: person you know, and remember that the population is about

522
00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 1: forty nine percent stupider, right, Like, there are a lot

523
00:21:50,119 --> 00:21:52,879
Speaker 1: of duds. There's amazing people out there. But that's what

524
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:55,280
Speaker 1: dating is. And dating is that you go out and

525
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,159
Speaker 1: you see not just are you choosing me? But do

526
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,800
Speaker 1: I choose you? Do you work with my life? But

527
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,760
Speaker 1: I can't do that unless I learn to grief. And

528
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,520
Speaker 1: so I think a lot of the fatigue we need

529
00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,359
Speaker 1: to look at and say where is that coming from?

530
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:07,320
Speaker 1: And then ask what are my choices do I have

531
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,679
Speaker 1: to engage in that? Now I met my partner on

532
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,159
Speaker 1: an app. You don't have to meet your partner in

533
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,439
Speaker 1: an app. But if your answer is I don't want

534
00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:15,800
Speaker 1: to do dating apps, are you okay getting rejected in person?

535
00:22:16,119 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 1: Are you okay going up to someone and saying I

536
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,120
Speaker 1: love that sweater and they go, I have a girlfriend,

537
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,159
Speaker 1: no worries. Thank you so much for asking for that,

538
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,560
Speaker 1: my brother, But thank you for telling me right, you've

539
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 1: got to be okay and be really grounded in yourself.

540
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,320
Speaker 1: Apps are easier because you're and so I think it's

541
00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:33,159
Speaker 1: the expectations that we have and we have to remember.

542
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,359
Speaker 1: Apps are a dopamine addiction loop, and so is your

543
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,240
Speaker 1: cell phone. That's why I'm a big fan of don't

544
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,399
Speaker 1: text a lot, because what happens when you meet somebody

545
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,400
Speaker 1: and you start texting a ton You're creating a dopamine

546
00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:44,960
Speaker 1: addiction loop. And so your brain is going, I need more,

547
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,320
Speaker 1: I need more, I need more, because it's trying to baseline.

548
00:22:47,359 --> 00:22:49,520
Speaker 1: And then when you're stressed, all of your nerve transmitters

549
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,920
Speaker 1: are being depleted, and then here we are where you're

550
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,560
Speaker 1: a hot mess because the person didn't text you back

551
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,000
Speaker 1: in twenty minutes. And so I think the exhaustion and

552
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,480
Speaker 1: fatigue really comes from what are we thinking that these

553
00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,800
Speaker 1: people are going to give to us? And then how

554
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,159
Speaker 1: can I live that life now? So that when I

555
00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:04,240
Speaker 1: meet someone, I say, I'm allowing you in my life

556
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 1: because you're not going to mess with what I have.

557
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,840
Speaker 1: And that's how it was. When I met my partner,

558
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,400
Speaker 1: I was a shell of a human. I lost cleam,

559
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,000
Speaker 1: my company, I was I was supposed to be in

560
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 1: Shirk tank and it didn't work. It was a whole thing.

561
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,440
Speaker 1: But I remember thinking in my head, I can't afford

562
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 1: to lose myself. And so when I met him, I said, hey,

563
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:20,879
Speaker 1: ILL looked him in the eyes. I'll be honest with you.

564
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,480
Speaker 1: I slept with my partner in the first date, and

565
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 1: I looked him in the eyes when we left after

566
00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:25,719
Speaker 1: we went to dinner, and I said, I had a

567
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 1: really great time with you, and if this is all

568
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 1: it was, thank you so much. I really needed tonight.

569
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,640
Speaker 1: But if not, and you're gonna call me again, don't

570
00:23:31,640 --> 00:23:33,880
Speaker 1: waste my fucking time. You better call me because you're intentional.

571
00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,240
Speaker 1: And he was like, he thought that was so sexy.

572
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:39,320
Speaker 1: He was like, man, and he said it you weren't

573
00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:40,760
Speaker 1: afraid to lose me. He was like, you were more

574
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:43,120
Speaker 1: afraid to lose yourself. And that made it very sexy

575
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,320
Speaker 1: because he knew that me wanting him in my life

576
00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:46,920
Speaker 1: wasn't me trying to hold on to him.

577
00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:50,440
Speaker 2: I was choosing him. I love that. That's so cool.

578
00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a different energy. Yeah, and that's I think.

579
00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,479
Speaker 1: And I'll be honest, I didn't wake up like this.

580
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,920
Speaker 1: I used to be so I created my career because

581
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,000
Speaker 1: I was so anxious. I couldn't sit still. I would

582
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:02,119
Speaker 1: oh my god, Jay, you don't want to know. In

583
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,000
Speaker 1: my heyday, I would text a guy and say like

584
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:05,360
Speaker 1: I would text him, hey, do you want to hang out?

585
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,680
Speaker 1: Twenty minutes would go by it, and you're back. I'd write, Okay,

586
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 1: guess not. And then I'd get a textrom him like hey,

587
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,600
Speaker 1: I actually did want to hang out with you, but

588
00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 1: not anymore. And it's like they're right. It's so right

589
00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,639
Speaker 1: because they could pick up on I need you, and

590
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,080
Speaker 1: nobody wants to feel that when you just met somebody.

591
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,600
Speaker 1: It's a very overwhelming feeling. I don't care what your

592
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:24,479
Speaker 1: attachment style is.

593
00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:27,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I think that's the challenge, right, that we

594
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:32,879
Speaker 2: are scared of being ourselves because ourselves? Is that right now?

595
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,640
Speaker 2: Where our natural gut reaction is to message someone hey

596
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 2: do you want to hang out? Hey? Are you sure

597
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,359
Speaker 2: you don't want to hang out? Like you know? And

598
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 2: that's who we are because we are coming from a

599
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:46,280
Speaker 2: place of insecurity and not feeling safe, as you said earlier,

600
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,120
Speaker 2: from our past wounds, and so being ourselves doesn't help

601
00:24:50,160 --> 00:24:52,760
Speaker 2: either because being and so then we block being ourselves.

602
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:53,960
Speaker 2: So we say, oh, you know what, I'm going to

603
00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:56,120
Speaker 2: be mature, I'm going to send one message and I'm

604
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 2: going to wait. But the real you is stressing over

605
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:00,960
Speaker 2: the fact that you want to send an now the message.

606
00:25:01,359 --> 00:25:04,280
Speaker 2: And so how do you live between those two worlds,

607
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:08,480
Speaker 2: between wanting to become your higher, more evolved, emotionally intelligent self.

608
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 2: But really you're stuck being insecure, insecure, confused, and chaotic.

609
00:25:12,320 --> 00:25:14,040
Speaker 1: So that's not the only thing I'll challenge you on

610
00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:15,120
Speaker 1: is who says that who you are?

611
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:16,399
Speaker 2: Who says that?

612
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,400
Speaker 1: Who says that who you are?

613
00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,720
Speaker 2: Right? I mean, not who you are at the core now,

614
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:21,640
Speaker 2: but who you are right now? That's your base level.

615
00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 1: We totally then I would go back and say where

616
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 1: did I learn that from? Because if we're if we're

617
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 1: going to date from lack and we're going to date

618
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,199
Speaker 1: from I'm insecure. I don't believe in myself. It's going

619
00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 1: to be really difficult to let someone love you in

620
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,159
Speaker 1: the ways that you deserve because the reality is, and

621
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,880
Speaker 1: you know this, you're married, your partner's going to trigger you.

622
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:39,720
Speaker 1: You are going to be triggered. Your partner's going to

623
00:25:39,720 --> 00:25:41,200
Speaker 1: piss you off. They're going to say things and you're like,

624
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,840
Speaker 1: oh no, m but you don't because you care about

625
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:45,680
Speaker 1: this person and you love them. But part of being

626
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,919
Speaker 1: a human is you're going to get triggered. And so

627
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,600
Speaker 1: I think what I see, especially with a lot of people,

628
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 1: when we have that insecurity, is for me, I would say, okay,

629
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,480
Speaker 1: is that who you are? Is that what you were taught?

630
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,800
Speaker 1: Because if that's what I was taught, then that means

631
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,639
Speaker 1: that who I authentically am. I authentically am someone who

632
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:04,639
Speaker 1: has a lot of light, who's excited, who's passionate, who's gregarious,

633
00:26:04,680 --> 00:26:08,880
Speaker 1: who's vivacious, who's a big personality. I'm not insecure. I'm

634
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,080
Speaker 1: not those things, but I do identify as that, and

635
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:13,159
Speaker 1: I think that's very human. So I would say what

636
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,439
Speaker 1: we want to start to do is look at I

637
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,800
Speaker 1: would never suggest somebody date if they're in such a

638
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,800
Speaker 1: place of lack, I would not. It's the same as

639
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:21,800
Speaker 1: anything else, like I wouldn't suggest somebody go and run

640
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,480
Speaker 1: a marathon if they've never gotten off the couch. It's

641
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,240
Speaker 1: like we want to move in steps because like New

642
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: Year's resolutions, your nervous system is going to go I

643
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,879
Speaker 1: can't do this way too overwhelming, So we want to

644
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 1: go smaller and have bite sized kind of steps. And

645
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:35,040
Speaker 1: so maybe that means that if you want to be

646
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:37,960
Speaker 1: the really evolved person that only sends what text and

647
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: you are hell in a handbasket, then maybe that means

648
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:44,120
Speaker 1: that we put one minute one minute, because what we're

649
00:26:44,119 --> 00:26:45,840
Speaker 1: trying to do is we're trying to take the stimulus

650
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,800
Speaker 1: and put space between reaction and response. And so maybe

651
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 1: that's it for one day you say, okay, I waited

652
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:52,520
Speaker 1: the minute and then I sent the text. But then

653
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,199
Speaker 1: the next day maybe it's you waited two minutes, you

654
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,080
Speaker 1: waited three minutes. What we have to look at is

655
00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:58,479
Speaker 1: what are my choices? Sure we can keep showing up

656
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:00,640
Speaker 1: in those ways, or we can say, wait a minute,

657
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:02,480
Speaker 1: I need to regulate my nervous system. I need to

658
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,200
Speaker 1: break this loop. I need to go for a walk.

659
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,040
Speaker 1: I need to get myself back into a place where

660
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,119
Speaker 1: I can access choice. Then I can decide if I

661
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,720
Speaker 1: want a text this person. We can have all those tools,

662
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:12,359
Speaker 1: but then we have to look and say, but am

663
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:14,600
Speaker 1: I identifying with something right? I'm sure you hear this

664
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,160
Speaker 1: all the time. I am anxious attachment. No, no, no,

665
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 1: you're not that you have that. I am not ADHD.

666
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:23,520
Speaker 1: I have ADHD. If I self identify and I fuse

667
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:25,119
Speaker 1: with the parts, it's going to be very difficult for

668
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,000
Speaker 1: me to see myself in any other light. And so

669
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:30,000
Speaker 1: I think if we have insecurities, we're all human. I do.

670
00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,600
Speaker 1: I think every day there's something wrong with me because

671
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 1: I'm a person. But what I do is I then

672
00:27:34,880 --> 00:27:36,920
Speaker 1: stop and say, what did my little need to hear?

673
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:39,440
Speaker 1: What did little Sabrina need to hear when she said, oh,

674
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,480
Speaker 1: this must be why there's something wrong with me. She

675
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,440
Speaker 1: needs someone to come and say no, that has nothing

676
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:45,320
Speaker 1: to do with them. I think you're amazing. I think

677
00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:47,040
Speaker 1: you're really cool, and I'd like to hear what you

678
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,760
Speaker 1: want because we haven't. We have to hold the space

679
00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,920
Speaker 1: in a way that we weren't held when we were there.

680
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,520
Speaker 1: That's how we'll start to be able to build through

681
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 1: the insecurities date from a more regulated space. But without that,

682
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:00,440
Speaker 1: or put makeup on a pig right, they'll like, oh,

683
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:03,120
Speaker 1: send him this text to get this. It's like I've

684
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 1: gotten inappropriate photos. It does not work, like I've gotten

685
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: my fair share where I'm like, that's not what I expected.

686
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,679
Speaker 1: Because you can't manipulate and control other people. You can

687
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:11,600
Speaker 1: only control yourself.

688
00:28:11,680 --> 00:28:14,439
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't love that advice. I don't think it works.

689
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,479
Speaker 2: It doesn't and it's just gamified and it's not you,

690
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,920
Speaker 2: and it's a technique and it's a strategy that ends up.

691
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:24,720
Speaker 2: You know, it's like strategies of like business and projects,

692
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,320
Speaker 2: not for people. And you know, when it comes to people,

693
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:29,919
Speaker 2: you want to be able to be authentic, be yourself

694
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,399
Speaker 2: and connect with someone on a real perspective rather than

695
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 2: having some perfect AI script out your perfect text message.

696
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:38,960
Speaker 1: We've gotten a few profiles where I look and I'm like,

697
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:41,280
Speaker 1: that was chattebt that wrote it. I actually had a

698
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:42,880
Speaker 1: client once and he I would talk to him and

699
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:44,360
Speaker 1: I was saying, you know what if they said this,

700
00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 1: and he was writing it and taking the exact so

701
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:49,520
Speaker 1: he had all this depth on his profile, and then

702
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:51,200
Speaker 1: he would say, I don't understand. Why am I not kidding?

703
00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 1: Why are these girls not wanting to meet me? I said,

704
00:28:52,760 --> 00:28:53,480
Speaker 1: can I see the match?

705
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 2: Like?

706
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:54,840
Speaker 1: Can I see the conversations?

707
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:55,320
Speaker 2: Hey?

708
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,480
Speaker 1: You look pretty? And then one girl even said, but

709
00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:01,120
Speaker 1: your profile is so deep? What is this? And I

710
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:02,800
Speaker 1: was like, you can't pretend for How long are you

711
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:05,240
Speaker 1: going to pretend for? That's going to be really exhausting.

712
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:07,719
Speaker 1: That's going to lead you to burnout. Versus You're right,

713
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:09,920
Speaker 1: people aren't going to like me, and that's okay because

714
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:11,840
Speaker 1: I have to be My mom has always said, you

715
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:13,360
Speaker 1: can please some of the people all the time, but

716
00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 1: you can't please all the people all the time, and

717
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:17,320
Speaker 1: you've got to be okay to disappoint people with who

718
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:17,720
Speaker 1: you are.

719
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:37,280
Speaker 2: You talk about setting a foundation in dating. I want

720
00:29:37,280 --> 00:29:39,440
Speaker 2: to hear about that, because I think when people are dating,

721
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,000
Speaker 2: we almost see it as just like, Okay, well this

722
00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:44,360
Speaker 2: person messing me back, I'm now talking to them. Now

723
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:46,000
Speaker 2: we're going to go on a date maybe this other.

724
00:29:46,040 --> 00:29:48,160
Speaker 2: But I don't think we have a system. I don't

725
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 2: think we have a foundation. I don't believe we have

726
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:53,880
Speaker 2: non negotiables that we create and craft to keep us

727
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 2: on track. What would you say are the foundations of

728
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,479
Speaker 2: dating and what are the non negotiables that allow us

729
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,320
Speaker 2: to make that experient it's more effective for us.

730
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 1: For me, my number one non egosh goal was you

731
00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 1: have to be done with your ex. Like, I am

732
00:30:05,480 --> 00:30:07,239
Speaker 1: so tired of hearing, Oh, my ex wants to get

733
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,200
Speaker 1: back together. I'm not over my ex. It's like, then,

734
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:10,840
Speaker 1: please don't get back into the dating world. If you

735
00:30:10,840 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: don't feel like you can be present with somebody else.

736
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,720
Speaker 1: It's okay that you might still be hurting, but then

737
00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,000
Speaker 1: please don't go back out there. I think for me,

738
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:20,400
Speaker 1: I want to see are you growth minded? My partner

739
00:30:20,440 --> 00:30:22,680
Speaker 1: always asked questions, and the one question he asked was

740
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,560
Speaker 1: what is something you changed your mind about recently and

741
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 1: what prompted the change. I want to see are you

742
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:27,920
Speaker 1: rigid or are you flexible?

743
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:28,160
Speaker 2: Right?

744
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 1: We want to start to understand that what happens when

745
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 1: I say no, what happens when I set a boundary?

746
00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 1: How do they treat waiters? I want to see somebody

747
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,800
Speaker 1: when they're disregulated, because then I want to see did

748
00:30:37,840 --> 00:30:39,720
Speaker 1: you just yell at that person because he didn't get

749
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,880
Speaker 1: your car at the time that you wanted no, thank you,

750
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:43,760
Speaker 1: I have no interest in this. And so what we're

751
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:46,280
Speaker 1: trying to look and see is that, first of all,

752
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,800
Speaker 1: is like, does this person treat other people well? Is

753
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:51,520
Speaker 1: it somewhere where I can feel comfortable? Are they using

754
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,560
Speaker 1: eye statements or are they saying you never call me,

755
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: you never do this? Okay, so we're using all in never.

756
00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:58,120
Speaker 1: Those are not really fair terms. But I think when

757
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,880
Speaker 1: we're talking about a solid foundation that's going slow comes

758
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,040
Speaker 1: into play because what we're doing is we're saying, every

759
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:05,400
Speaker 1: single time I see you, it's first date, just to

760
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:07,480
Speaker 1: see if I want to have a second, second, just

761
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 1: to see if I want to have a third. But

762
00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:11,640
Speaker 1: oftentimes we go on a first date and say Prince Charming,

763
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,360
Speaker 1: and the thing is Disney lied to us because Disney

764
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:16,440
Speaker 1: told us what happened Happily ever After. They didn't tell

765
00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:18,040
Speaker 1: us did Prince Eric have a drinking problem?

766
00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:18,400
Speaker 2: Right?

767
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:21,040
Speaker 1: Like did Beauty and the Beat? Did did Belle not

768
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 1: get out of the house again? Was she dealing with that?

769
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:25,560
Speaker 1: We don't know what comes after it. We just see

770
00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:28,239
Speaker 1: happily ever After? And so what we're really looking for

771
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 1: is what does that look like to you? And I

772
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: think for me, I was so focused on but if

773
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:34,440
Speaker 1: you like me, I like me, instead of saying no,

774
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,960
Speaker 1: I actually don't enjoy that and holding the space to

775
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,120
Speaker 1: say I don't like that, and if you don't either,

776
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:42,320
Speaker 1: that's okay. But I think the solid foundation comes when

777
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:44,120
Speaker 1: you can have a space where you can trust, and

778
00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:46,800
Speaker 1: that includes hard conversations because I think a lot of

779
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:48,520
Speaker 1: people and I'm sure I'm curious if you hear this

780
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:50,280
Speaker 1: as well. I hear it every day. If I don't want

781
00:31:50,280 --> 00:31:52,320
Speaker 1: to be too much, I don't want to push them away.

782
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:54,680
Speaker 1: If I ask that they're gonna think I'm too much,

783
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:56,960
Speaker 1: then good fuck, go find less. If you think I'm

784
00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:59,520
Speaker 1: too much, I'd encourage you to go find less because

785
00:31:59,560 --> 00:32:01,360
Speaker 1: that doesn't make me too much. What that means is

786
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:03,240
Speaker 1: that I want to see if you are okay for me,

787
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:05,640
Speaker 1: And that's why I'm big on If somebody says something

788
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 1: that hurts you, hey, can I share something with you?

789
00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:09,960
Speaker 1: What's going on? I really didn't love the way you

790
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:11,840
Speaker 1: said that. It really made me feel small. I felt

791
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: very dismissed and discredited. Moving forward, can we have a

792
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,520
Speaker 1: different way of saying it? If your partner absolutely, thank

793
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 1: you so much for telling me, great, move on, go in,

794
00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:23,080
Speaker 1: you pass, go collect two hundred dollars. But if you

795
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 1: can't even have the rupture, the regulate and then the repair,

796
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:28,520
Speaker 1: you're not going to be able to move forward with

797
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,360
Speaker 1: these people. And so I think from the beginning, that's

798
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,240
Speaker 1: why I told my partner that after first date, I

799
00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 1: could have left and gone play cool. Oh my god,

800
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:36,560
Speaker 1: don't say anything. What did I have to lose? I

801
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,880
Speaker 1: hit myself and that was way too high of a price.

802
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 1: And so I'm a big fan of don't trauma dump. Please,

803
00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:44,160
Speaker 1: don't trauma dump on a first date. Please please. We

804
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:45,800
Speaker 1: don't need to start talking about like how your father

805
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:47,760
Speaker 1: hit you when you're a kid. Your date does not

806
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:49,840
Speaker 1: need to know that. We have to be really cognizant

807
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:51,240
Speaker 1: that we don't know who these people are and we

808
00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:53,080
Speaker 1: don't know what information they could take and put in

809
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:55,880
Speaker 1: their back pocket and use against us. Trust is conditional.

810
00:32:55,920 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 1: I give you a little, I see what you.

811
00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:57,719
Speaker 3: Do with it.

812
00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:00,680
Speaker 1: I give you more. Absolutely, that's the fact I want

813
00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 1: people to build, which is I trust myself because no

814
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 1: matter what, I have my back, and if you don't,

815
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:07,400
Speaker 1: that's okay, I do because I'll speak my voice now

816
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,120
Speaker 1: needs to be heard and it never was. And I

817
00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,200
Speaker 1: think that's part of the foundations is having your non

818
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:13,920
Speaker 1: negotiables mean I'm not playing small anymore. This doesn't mean

819
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:16,000
Speaker 1: I need to overreact, but I'm not going to place more.

820
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,440
Speaker 2: One of your greatest skills, Sobrina, as I'm hearing you

821
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 2: talk about this is your ability to advocate for yourself.

822
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,760
Speaker 2: And that's what encouraging people to do is to actually

823
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,800
Speaker 2: advocate for yourself your beliefs, your thoughts, your values. And

824
00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 2: I think that's a skill that no one really has

825
00:33:30,840 --> 00:33:34,520
Speaker 2: or is trained in in that there's nowhere in life

826
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:37,120
Speaker 2: that teaches you to advocate for yourself, Like school never

827
00:33:37,120 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 2: taught you that, your parents rarely tell you that, and

828
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,200
Speaker 2: when you're young, you just ask for stuff. You're not advocating, right,

829
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 2: You're like saying, oh, I want this for Christmas or

830
00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 2: I want this for whatever. But you're not advocating, like

831
00:33:46,560 --> 00:33:50,040
Speaker 2: you're not presenting an argument or sharing a value because

832
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,400
Speaker 2: you've been treated a certain way. And we struggle to

833
00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 2: do it at work. People struggle to do with their colleagues,

834
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,600
Speaker 2: their bosses, their managers, everyone. So as I'm listening to them, like, okay,

835
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:01,200
Speaker 2: Advocating for ourselves is one of the biggest skills, and

836
00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 2: I remember talking about foundations for dating or being clear

837
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:07,640
Speaker 2: and advocating. I remember when me and Ridley first started dating.

838
00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 2: One of the first things I said to her was

839
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm not the kind of guy that

840
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,840
Speaker 2: wants to go to the cinema on the weekend and

841
00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:17,919
Speaker 2: then go to a furniture store. And then like, that's

842
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:20,719
Speaker 2: just not who I am. And I'm the kind of

843
00:34:20,719 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 2: guy who has a purpose and this is what I

844
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,319
Speaker 2: do on my weekends and this is my priority. And

845
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 2: I just want you to know that that's not because

846
00:34:27,160 --> 00:34:28,680
Speaker 2: I think this is less than this is just who

847
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:31,280
Speaker 2: I am. And I just wanted her to be clear

848
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,719
Speaker 2: on what she was getting involved in where I was like, hey,

849
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:37,120
Speaker 2: if there's a clash between something that's a family event

850
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:39,000
Speaker 2: of yours or me, And at the time I was

851
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,440
Speaker 2: doing like per five person events in London, I was like,

852
00:34:42,480 --> 00:34:44,320
Speaker 2: if I've got an event, I'm always going to prottesze

853
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:45,960
Speaker 2: my event because I'm doing that on my weekends and

854
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 2: it's really big for me. But if it's something that

855
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:51,240
Speaker 2: you really want me to come to, then it's a conversation,

856
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 2: but more likely than not, I'm going to advocate for

857
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:55,360
Speaker 2: wanting to go to this thing. And I did that

858
00:34:55,480 --> 00:34:58,600
Speaker 2: not to be douchey or to be self righteous or

859
00:34:58,680 --> 00:35:00,319
Speaker 2: to be better. I did it because that that's just

860
00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:03,239
Speaker 2: who I am, and luckily rather at the time would

861
00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:05,399
Speaker 2: be like, yeah, totally get them. By the way, if

862
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:07,200
Speaker 2: you want me to be at that and I have this,

863
00:35:07,360 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 2: I'm probably going to go to this because as much

864
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:11,760
Speaker 2: as I want to support you, this is a priority

865
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,680
Speaker 2: for me, and our relationship is continue to be that

866
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,759
Speaker 2: way up until this point. And to me, I've just

867
00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,480
Speaker 2: seen as a great strength that I was able to

868
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,120
Speaker 2: advocate and she was able to advocate for herself. Now

869
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,280
Speaker 2: had I not advocated for myself. And I think often

870
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:26,520
Speaker 2: what we do is we try to advocate for what

871
00:35:26,600 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 2: the other person should do. So hey, when I do this,

872
00:35:29,040 --> 00:35:31,359
Speaker 2: can you come and join me? Rather than like this

873
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,359
Speaker 2: is a priority for me and I'm going to make

874
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:37,000
Speaker 2: it a priority for myself, teach us the skill of

875
00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:40,800
Speaker 2: advocating for ourselves, because most of us just want to

876
00:35:40,840 --> 00:35:42,279
Speaker 2: let it go because we don't want to be too

877
00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:43,920
Speaker 2: much enough or crazy.

878
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 1: I think where it started from as a memory that

879
00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,439
Speaker 1: comes very vividly when I was a kid. My dad,

880
00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:52,799
Speaker 1: like I had mentioned, was not a very kind man

881
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 1: at times. And my sister and I got into a

882
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:56,840
Speaker 1: fight and I ran into my room and I remember

883
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:58,799
Speaker 1: he said, open the door. I promise you I'm not

884
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:00,480
Speaker 1: going to hate you. And I said, no, you are.

885
00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:02,239
Speaker 1: And I remember I had a little suitcase. And I

886
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 1: only know this because I had to go back and

887
00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:06,680
Speaker 1: see her. And I kept asking myself, where did I

888
00:36:06,719 --> 00:36:08,720
Speaker 1: learn that I couldn't speak up? And it was because

889
00:36:08,760 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 1: I said, Dad, do you promise? And I opened the

890
00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 1: door and he punched me in the face and I

891
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: was bleeding everywhere and he left and he left us

892
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,360
Speaker 1: for three weeks, and I remember my brother on the

893
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 1: couch saying, how am I going to be the man

894
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,680
Speaker 1: of the house. I'm only fourteen and I was seven,

895
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 1: and so I knew in that moment, you're not safe.

896
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:24,959
Speaker 1: And I also learned in that moment is you can't

897
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:26,839
Speaker 1: speak up. You got to keep your mouth shut, girl,

898
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,560
Speaker 1: because if you open it up, you're going to have

899
00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,160
Speaker 1: this again. You almost lost your father for your family.

900
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,640
Speaker 1: And I carried that with me and it wasn't until

901
00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:36,319
Speaker 1: I started to do the work where I said, where

902
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 1: did I learn that from and I went back and

903
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:41,200
Speaker 1: I literally I opened the door for her and I

904
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,480
Speaker 1: told him get out of my face, and I spoke

905
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:46,879
Speaker 1: to my father as the version now, and I took

906
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 1: her and I said, we're out of here. You don't

907
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:50,640
Speaker 1: have to live here anymore. And I have done that

908
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:54,240
Speaker 1: every single day, because whether she be in the attic,

909
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:56,399
Speaker 1: whether she'd be back in that room, it doesn't matter

910
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,839
Speaker 1: where she is. For anybody that's listening. You might not

911
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:01,560
Speaker 1: have that journey, you might have it be something completely different.

912
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:03,839
Speaker 1: But if you want to advocate for yourself, you got

913
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:06,000
Speaker 1: to learn where you learn that that wasn't safe. And

914
00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:08,600
Speaker 1: I have to give myself permission to advocate for myself.

915
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 1: And then what I also have to do is no

916
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: people are going to not be like okay with that.

917
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:15,000
Speaker 1: We have to remember if you've never set boundaries, and

918
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:16,719
Speaker 1: then all of a sudden you start setting boundaries with

919
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:19,680
Speaker 1: someone and they push back, well, yeah, because they benefited

920
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:21,520
Speaker 1: from the version of you that didn't have any and

921
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 1: so now when you start to show up differently, you're

922
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 1: going to have to grieve that people are going to leave.

923
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:27,360
Speaker 1: But then what you also do is you get to

924
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:29,920
Speaker 1: choose who gets to come into your life because what

925
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:32,160
Speaker 1: you did with Roddy was beautiful. Hey, here's where I'm at.

926
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:34,040
Speaker 1: And she says, okay, here's where I'm at, and you're

927
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:36,279
Speaker 1: both going That works for me, and you're making a

928
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,520
Speaker 1: choice because you're both able to make choices. And that's

929
00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 1: the problem is when we think I don't have a choice, Well,

930
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:43,759
Speaker 1: they didn't call me. I don't know what to do.

931
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:45,759
Speaker 1: You're not six years old waiting for your mom or

932
00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,600
Speaker 1: dad to let you out of that room. You get

933
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,400
Speaker 1: to choose now. That took a lot of work, That

934
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:52,879
Speaker 1: took a lot of tears, that took meditation, That took

935
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 1: me years of having to really sit and say I'm

936
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 1: okay with this. And I would be lying to you

937
00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 1: if I said that. I wake up every morning like that.

938
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,080
Speaker 1: I have to advocate for myself online. You know the

939
00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:05,440
Speaker 1: Internet as well as I do. It's a terrible place

940
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:08,160
Speaker 1: to be. And when I get trolls or attacked, I'm

941
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,000
Speaker 1: the one that has to say I don't appreciate this,

942
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,439
Speaker 1: get out of my ecosystem. Because if I don't stand

943
00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,200
Speaker 1: for something, I fall for everything. And if I don't

944
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:16,239
Speaker 1: have my own back, who is going to and I

945
00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:18,360
Speaker 1: learned that the hard way in childhood, when no one

946
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:21,280
Speaker 1: had my back, when who was there? And so now

947
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:23,279
Speaker 1: really the way to start to advocate for yourself is

948
00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,239
Speaker 1: to understand where did I learn that I couldn't and

949
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 1: to reparent that version of us, to be able to

950
00:38:28,040 --> 00:38:29,960
Speaker 1: even close your eyes, hand on your stomach, hand and

951
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:32,680
Speaker 1: your belly and just say I feel like I'm six

952
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:35,400
Speaker 1: right now, and that's okay, that Sabrina is really scared,

953
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: but I want her to know that she has me

954
00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:38,440
Speaker 1: and that Dad's no longer here and I got rid

955
00:38:38,480 --> 00:38:40,680
Speaker 1: of him. Now, that didn't make it magically okay, But

956
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:42,560
Speaker 1: what I did was I showed myself compassion and I

957
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:44,120
Speaker 1: was able to close the loop in my brain that

958
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:46,000
Speaker 1: it's safe for me to do that, and then I

959
00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:48,120
Speaker 1: deal with what comes up. And so I think, if

960
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,879
Speaker 1: you want to advocate for yourself, we have to learn

961
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:51,880
Speaker 1: where you learn that that wasn't safe, and then we

962
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,359
Speaker 1: have to go back, even into meditation therapy. It doesn't

963
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:55,759
Speaker 1: matter where you could do this, however you want to

964
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,480
Speaker 1: do with clients. We all do it in different ways,

965
00:38:57,719 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 1: but we have to be able to go back to

966
00:38:59,040 --> 00:39:02,080
Speaker 1: those parts and tell these versions it wasn't you, because

967
00:39:02,120 --> 00:39:04,440
Speaker 1: what happens I don't know if you're familiar with egocentric age.

968
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,120
Speaker 1: And so essentially what that saying in psychology is from

969
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 1: zer to seven deer to ten, depending on the school thought,

970
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:11,720
Speaker 1: is that we are narcissistic as children.

971
00:39:11,760 --> 00:39:12,120
Speaker 2: You have to be.

972
00:39:12,160 --> 00:39:14,080
Speaker 1: That's how you learn, like, oh I fell, Okay, I

973
00:39:14,120 --> 00:39:16,600
Speaker 1: could get back up, but we attuned to our caregivers.

974
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 1: And so during that phase, if at six years old

975
00:39:20,239 --> 00:39:23,200
Speaker 1: your father keeps leaving, of course you're going, oh, it's me. Oh,

976
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 1: there must be something wrong, because if you didn't have

977
00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,520
Speaker 1: an adult to come and say, hey, they're unstable, this

978
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 1: isn't you. You didn't do anything wrong. Their way of

979
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,440
Speaker 1: dealing with this doesn't mean anything about you who had

980
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,120
Speaker 1: those parents, right, very few of us. Then that's where

981
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: we create these core beliefs, and then the core beliefs

982
00:39:36,920 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 1: become our stories, and then they become our cognitive dissonances,

983
00:39:39,440 --> 00:39:40,839
Speaker 1: and then that's how we start to move through the world.

984
00:39:41,200 --> 00:39:43,319
Speaker 1: And so it really starts with where did I learn

985
00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:45,239
Speaker 1: this from? And then what did I need them that

986
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:47,440
Speaker 1: I have to give myself now? And that was me

987
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:49,840
Speaker 1: having a voice and being okay that my voice is

988
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:51,640
Speaker 1: going to hurt people, but it's also going to help people.

989
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:55,560
Speaker 2: Thank you for sharing that difficult examples. I hope that

990
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:59,000
Speaker 2: helps a lot of people because just hearing how connected

991
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:03,200
Speaker 2: they are, and of course how traumatic and difficult that

992
00:40:03,280 --> 00:40:06,400
Speaker 2: moment is, but at the same time, how much resilience

993
00:40:06,440 --> 00:40:09,000
Speaker 2: it brings and how much strength it brings in this

994
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:12,400
Speaker 2: moment now because of your actions then and because of

995
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:16,640
Speaker 2: your ability then, and I hope that gives everyone else

996
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:21,160
Speaker 2: permission to really do that work. Doing the work isn't

997
00:40:21,440 --> 00:40:24,800
Speaker 2: all the fancy buzzwords, and it's what you just shared

998
00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:29,480
Speaker 2: so openly and so grateful for your vulnerability, because I

999
00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,880
Speaker 2: really believe you're giving everyone who's listening permission to do

1000
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 2: that same work. Before we just walk into another relationship

1001
00:40:36,120 --> 00:40:40,120
Speaker 2: and walk into another situation, what we don't advocate for ourselves.

1002
00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:44,400
Speaker 2: Two years go by, we know we've been suppressing advocating

1003
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:48,200
Speaker 2: for ourselves, and then that person leaves us because we

1004
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 2: never advocate and we never said what we wanted, and

1005
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:52,000
Speaker 2: then they left.

1006
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:54,880
Speaker 1: Anyway, I would argue to anybody that's scared, right, what

1007
00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,400
Speaker 1: would if they leave me? Or what if I'm alone?

1008
00:40:56,400 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 1: It's like, but aren't you already, aren't you already alone?

1009
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: If I've been in relations where I couldn't be my

1010
00:41:01,080 --> 00:41:03,480
Speaker 1: authentic self, and I would cry myself to sleep because

1011
00:41:03,719 --> 00:41:06,080
Speaker 1: I felt more trapped in my own body. Right, I

1012
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,040
Speaker 1: couldn't be myself, I couldn't be authentic. And I think

1013
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:12,120
Speaker 1: the biggest thing that I learned along the way was

1014
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:15,200
Speaker 1: that it's really important to thank your little because I

1015
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:19,560
Speaker 1: am so grateful that my little sab learned these coping mechanisms.

1016
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:21,759
Speaker 1: I'm not grateful she had to, but I'm grateful she

1017
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:23,799
Speaker 1: did because she did keep me safe. I'm here right now,

1018
00:41:23,840 --> 00:41:26,680
Speaker 1: I'm alive, I'm breathing, I'm well. And think that's things

1019
00:41:26,719 --> 00:41:28,239
Speaker 1: to her. And I think a lot of us look

1020
00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:29,919
Speaker 1: at is like, I want to get rid of that part.

1021
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:32,279
Speaker 1: I don't want to look at them. That's what got

1022
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:34,560
Speaker 1: me into trouble. But the more we resist that, the

1023
00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:35,960
Speaker 1: more it's going to persist, and then they're going to

1024
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:38,280
Speaker 1: keep coming out and saying, hey, remember me, I'm still hurting.

1025
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:40,359
Speaker 1: So if we can turn to those parts, and that's

1026
00:41:40,360 --> 00:41:41,600
Speaker 1: really why a lot of people don't want to do

1027
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:44,239
Speaker 1: the work, it's really painful. It's hard to look back

1028
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,520
Speaker 1: and say, oh wow, yeah, that's what I went through.

1029
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,600
Speaker 1: And I look at photos of little me. That's like

1030
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,120
Speaker 1: a great way to reconnect with your little and I

1031
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:52,920
Speaker 1: cry every time I see it because I can't fathom

1032
00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:55,239
Speaker 1: why anybody would hurt her. But what I do know

1033
00:41:55,360 --> 00:41:56,719
Speaker 1: is I'm not going to hurt her ever again. And

1034
00:41:56,719 --> 00:41:58,560
Speaker 1: I'm not going to let anyone get next to her.

1035
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,360
Speaker 1: And that includes anyone I did. That includes relationships, that

1036
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:04,480
Speaker 1: includes colleagues, that includes everything in my life. And I

1037
00:42:04,560 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 1: know that if I do and something happens, I'm the

1038
00:42:07,040 --> 00:42:09,120
Speaker 1: adult and I have my back and I will protect

1039
00:42:09,120 --> 00:42:10,640
Speaker 1: her in a way that no one did.

1040
00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:15,440
Speaker 2: That's so powerful. I love hearing that, so so thankful

1041
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,719
Speaker 2: to hear your strength and courage through it all. It's

1042
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:21,520
Speaker 2: really inspiring. And I hope, I really hope everyone's listening

1043
00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,839
Speaker 2: and watching right now. We know it's tough to do

1044
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 2: the work and it you know, it's heartbreaking sometimes to

1045
00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:30,640
Speaker 2: do the work, But breaking it open is far more

1046
00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:33,399
Speaker 2: likely to create a breakthrough right now than avoiding it.

1047
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:37,360
Speaker 2: What are the signs of an emotionally unavailable person.

1048
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:41,480
Speaker 1: Somebody who's emotionally unavailable is going to consistently booey conversations

1049
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,560
Speaker 1: back to shallow. So it noticed that you're interesting. I

1050
00:42:44,719 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 1: can't seem to have any depth with them. They just

1051
00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,200
Speaker 1: keep bringing it back to that. That's the first thing

1052
00:42:49,239 --> 00:42:51,879
Speaker 1: with an emotionally an available person. The second thing they

1053
00:42:52,120 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 1: shy away from any conversations of commitment. If you even ask,

1054
00:42:55,320 --> 00:42:57,760
Speaker 1: like do you want to do something on Saturday, they

1055
00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 1: really struggle. They struggle to let you in. And so

1056
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 1: that's where we say everything is shallow. There's a lot

1057
00:43:03,719 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 1: of like mh and so really what I see is

1058
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:07,360
Speaker 1: like one of my friends is dating a guy and

1059
00:43:07,400 --> 00:43:09,560
Speaker 1: it's so classic, right, they'll hook up, they have a

1060
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,759
Speaker 1: great night, she won't hear from him for days, and

1061
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:13,920
Speaker 1: the minute she brings anything up to him, it's just

1062
00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:16,200
Speaker 1: got to go. Can't talk about this. Sorry, I don't

1063
00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:18,640
Speaker 1: want to do that. I'm uncomfortable. Now. A lot of

1064
00:43:18,640 --> 00:43:20,160
Speaker 1: people would look and say, well, if you wanted to

1065
00:43:20,239 --> 00:43:22,680
Speaker 1: would he must just not want her bad enough. But

1066
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:24,560
Speaker 1: what we have to look at is capacity, because in

1067
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,839
Speaker 1: our brain, want and do are two different parts of

1068
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:28,359
Speaker 1: our brain. So I can want a lot of things.

1069
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:30,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be a millionaire. I'm not is up because

1070
00:43:30,160 --> 00:43:32,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to bad enough. No, there's other things

1071
00:43:33,040 --> 00:43:36,279
Speaker 1: along the way. But somebody that's emotionally an available, what

1072
00:43:36,360 --> 00:43:37,920
Speaker 1: we have to look and say is it doesn't mean

1073
00:43:37,920 --> 00:43:40,160
Speaker 1: they're a bad person, but what that means is that

1074
00:43:40,200 --> 00:43:42,320
Speaker 1: they can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves.

1075
00:43:42,400 --> 00:43:45,319
Speaker 1: And if that person is saying emotions are scary, I

1076
00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:48,239
Speaker 1: don't want to be vulnerable. That makes me uncomfortable, then

1077
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:49,759
Speaker 1: how do you think they're gonna hold your space? How

1078
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:51,440
Speaker 1: do you think they're going to be able to show up?

1079
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:53,040
Speaker 1: Because a lot of people look and say, oh, come,

1080
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,000
Speaker 1: I it's just a relationship, why won't you commit to me?

1081
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:55,880
Speaker 2: Well, well, it.

1082
00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:59,160
Speaker 1: Comes with commitment. Commitment comes with having to be accountable

1083
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:01,799
Speaker 1: to somebody else's emotion and feelings. Were both at You're married,

1084
00:44:01,800 --> 00:44:04,640
Speaker 1: I'm in a relationship. You know, being committed to somebody

1085
00:44:04,719 --> 00:44:05,960
Speaker 1: is more than just you go to the movies or

1086
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:08,680
Speaker 1: you go to the park together. That's holding space, that's

1087
00:44:08,760 --> 00:44:12,319
Speaker 1: learning to regulate, that's learning to co exist with somebody else.

1088
00:44:12,560 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: And if somebody's not in that space. My partner he

1089
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:17,200
Speaker 1: lost a sister of three years ago before we met.

1090
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:20,600
Speaker 1: She took her own life, unfortunately, and he really struggled

1091
00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,000
Speaker 1: for that year to open up to anybody because he

1092
00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:25,120
Speaker 1: was in so much pain. Now is that because he

1093
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:28,520
Speaker 1: didn't want to? Absolutely not, But he was emotionally unavailable

1094
00:44:28,520 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 1: because he couldn't hold the capacity for his own emotions,

1095
00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:32,879
Speaker 1: how is he going to hold it for anybody else.

1096
00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:35,640
Speaker 1: That's why they're shallow and they don't really go deep

1097
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:38,080
Speaker 1: because it feels very scary. And for a lot of

1098
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:40,560
Speaker 1: people that are emotionally unavailable, it doesn't really matter the

1099
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,080
Speaker 1: attachment style. Here's the thing that people hate. A lot

1100
00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:44,719
Speaker 1: of people like to say that the avoidance are the

1101
00:44:44,719 --> 00:44:48,320
Speaker 1: emotionally unavailable. And while they might be, so are the anxious.

1102
00:44:48,560 --> 00:44:51,360
Speaker 1: Anxious people are also emotionally unavailable because they're not actually

1103
00:44:51,480 --> 00:44:53,360
Speaker 1: understanding what's coming up for them. They're focused on the

1104
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:56,960
Speaker 1: other person. So when we outsource, then we're are we

1105
00:44:57,080 --> 00:44:58,839
Speaker 1: being in touch with our own emotions? Are we able

1106
00:44:58,880 --> 00:45:01,160
Speaker 1: to say I feel this and this is how this

1107
00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:04,200
Speaker 1: impacted me? For most people, they can't. And so I

1108
00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:05,880
Speaker 1: think what we have to look at is is there

1109
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:09,400
Speaker 1: a discomfort with depth, with emotionality and with going there.

1110
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:12,200
Speaker 1: That's the first step that you're going to tell And

1111
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:14,479
Speaker 1: my suggestion would be, please don't try to change them.

1112
00:45:14,960 --> 00:45:17,359
Speaker 1: That is something that that person will do when they're

1113
00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:19,239
Speaker 1: ready and they have the capacity to do it, But

1114
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 1: you coming into their life isn't going to be what

1115
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:23,320
Speaker 1: changes it. And that's the reality.

1116
00:45:23,440 --> 00:45:26,239
Speaker 2: And I think that's almost what upsets us more sometimes

1117
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:30,040
Speaker 2: because we go, wait, they have the potential for it,

1118
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,279
Speaker 2: they just don't have the capacity for me. So I'm

1119
00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:36,279
Speaker 2: going to be the one to open up that capacity

1120
00:45:36,520 --> 00:45:39,560
Speaker 2: or if they really like me, they'll get that capacity,

1121
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:42,960
Speaker 2: And it annoys us more so. It's frustrating because when

1122
00:45:42,960 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 2: someone just when we believe that someone just isn't that person,

1123
00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 2: it's okay, But when we believe they are that person,

1124
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:51,439
Speaker 2: they have the ability, but they don't have the capacity. Right,

1125
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:55,680
Speaker 2: If someone doesn't have the ability to be empathetic or understanding,

1126
00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:57,920
Speaker 2: we're like, okay, they don't have the ability. But when

1127
00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:00,239
Speaker 2: you're like it's a capacity issue, like oh I love

1128
00:46:00,280 --> 00:46:01,719
Speaker 2: me enough, they'll have it. What do you do?

1129
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,840
Speaker 1: Then you accept that they might not. And that's the reality.

1130
00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:08,120
Speaker 1: If there's somebody that's growth minded and says like my

1131
00:46:08,160 --> 00:46:10,440
Speaker 1: partner and I were in therapy because he is a

1132
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,799
Speaker 1: thousand percent in of like I want to work through this.

1133
00:46:13,040 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to be emotionally unavailable. I don't want

1134
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:16,680
Speaker 1: to be avoid and he's like, I want to be secure.

1135
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:18,160
Speaker 1: I want to show up for you as the man

1136
00:46:18,280 --> 00:46:20,920
Speaker 1: you deserve. I didn't change. I didn't make him do that.

1137
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,319
Speaker 1: I told him from the beginning, if you don't let

1138
00:46:23,320 --> 00:46:26,279
Speaker 1: me in, I can't continue doing this. And I set boundaries.

1139
00:46:26,520 --> 00:46:28,279
Speaker 1: And that's what's important. Is if you meet somebody and

1140
00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:29,799
Speaker 1: they're saying, like I had a one guy and he said, oh,

1141
00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:31,880
Speaker 1: you know, I'm emotionally unavailable, and I said, yeah, so

1142
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:33,680
Speaker 1: get out of my house. I was done with him,

1143
00:46:34,239 --> 00:46:36,480
Speaker 1: done because every time i'd go and say, hey, I

1144
00:46:36,480 --> 00:46:38,040
Speaker 1: need to hold you accountable. You said you were going

1145
00:46:38,120 --> 00:46:40,360
Speaker 1: to do this and you didn't. God, don't you have

1146
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:42,880
Speaker 1: your own life. Why are you deflecting this on to me.

1147
00:46:42,960 --> 00:46:44,759
Speaker 1: You're not taking accountability for what you did.

1148
00:46:44,960 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 2: Now.

1149
00:46:45,160 --> 00:46:47,160
Speaker 1: I could have sat and said maybe one day, maybe

1150
00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:49,920
Speaker 1: one day. I'm not betting on potential because my dad

1151
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:51,480
Speaker 1: never changed, so it makes me think these people will.

1152
00:46:51,520 --> 00:46:53,480
Speaker 1: Didn't matter how much I loved my father, didn't matter

1153
00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:54,880
Speaker 1: how much I showed up for him. It didn't matter

1154
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 1: how much my mother didn't matter what she did for him.

1155
00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:00,200
Speaker 1: It didn't change who he was, because that's how this work.

1156
00:47:00,640 --> 00:47:02,560
Speaker 1: And so I would say, if you're dating somebody emotionally

1157
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:04,960
Speaker 1: and available who is growth minded and saying I'm willing

1158
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,919
Speaker 1: to do the work chef's kiss, continue on and see

1159
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:09,920
Speaker 1: if favor the capacity, and they might not. That's a

1160
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,800
Speaker 1: very real reality. They could do all this work and

1161
00:47:11,840 --> 00:47:14,440
Speaker 1: you can still say, but I need more. But oftentimes

1162
00:47:14,440 --> 00:47:16,000
Speaker 1: it's not that I need more than you. I need

1163
00:47:16,040 --> 00:47:18,840
Speaker 1: more of you. And that's a really big discerning distinction,

1164
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,680
Speaker 1: because if I need more than you, I'm shit out

1165
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:23,239
Speaker 1: of luck. But if I need more of you, we

1166
00:47:23,320 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 1: have something that we can work with if they're willing

1167
00:47:25,160 --> 00:47:25,719
Speaker 1: to do the same.

1168
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:30,040
Speaker 2: So good. Yeah, I love that. You can't love someone

1169
00:47:30,200 --> 00:47:33,280
Speaker 2: into change. You can only love them as they change.

1170
00:47:33,560 --> 00:47:35,560
Speaker 2: And I think that's the mix up where we think

1171
00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:39,319
Speaker 2: if I love this person enough, they will change. No,

1172
00:47:39,440 --> 00:47:42,239
Speaker 2: they won't. They will stay exactly the same. You can

1173
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:45,480
Speaker 2: only love them as they decide to change if they

1174
00:47:45,520 --> 00:47:48,839
Speaker 2: want to, and chances are if they're not showing you.

1175
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:51,160
Speaker 2: And by the way, most people are telling us the truth. Yeah,

1176
00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:53,360
Speaker 2: most people are already saying, like, you know what, I'm like,

1177
00:47:54,160 --> 00:47:57,279
Speaker 2: you know, I'm not ready for a relationship. You know,

1178
00:47:57,400 --> 00:47:59,960
Speaker 2: I don't really think that way. You know, I'm not

1179
00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:02,640
Speaker 2: into this. People are already telling us, but we ignore it.

1180
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:05,320
Speaker 2: We just don't want to believe them because we secretly

1181
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:11,080
Speaker 2: are wishing, waiting, hoping that something will miraculously, or we

1182
00:48:11,880 --> 00:48:14,040
Speaker 2: think we see a spark of it within them. We

1183
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:16,520
Speaker 2: think we see a glimpse of it within them because

1184
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:19,399
Speaker 2: they show it to us once every nighty days and

1185
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:21,480
Speaker 2: we hold onto that once every nighty days ago. But

1186
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:22,520
Speaker 2: that's who they really are.

1187
00:48:22,640 --> 00:48:25,800
Speaker 1: It's like situationships, right when everybody people in situationships, It's like,

1188
00:48:25,840 --> 00:48:27,080
Speaker 1: so which one are you out of the buntry, the

1189
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,560
Speaker 1: one with commitment issues or the one that's insecure, because well,

1190
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:32,520
Speaker 1: how do we get into that dynamic? How do we

1191
00:48:32,560 --> 00:48:35,480
Speaker 1: get into the emotionally unavailable dynamic with people? Because we're

1192
00:48:35,520 --> 00:48:38,000
Speaker 1: not taking up space because one person is saying, I'm

1193
00:48:38,000 --> 00:48:39,839
Speaker 1: gonna play the cool guy or girl, I'm not gonna

1194
00:48:39,840 --> 00:48:42,440
Speaker 1: have any knees. I'll be the two dimensional And that's

1195
00:48:42,440 --> 00:48:44,439
Speaker 1: why the nice guy and the nice girl finish last,

1196
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:48,160
Speaker 1: because that's all they have for me. I find it

1197
00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:50,239
Speaker 1: so sexy when someone tells me no and not on

1198
00:48:50,239 --> 00:48:52,439
Speaker 1: the like, just to say it. I find it really

1199
00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:54,160
Speaker 1: sexy if I say I really like this and they oh,

1200
00:48:54,200 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 1: I actually don't, right, and you're like, tell me more,

1201
00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:58,600
Speaker 1: what don't you love about it? What was your experience?

1202
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:01,480
Speaker 1: How did that land on you? Versus whatever you like?

1203
00:49:01,520 --> 00:49:03,880
Speaker 1: I like? And that's just not really a place that

1204
00:49:03,920 --> 00:49:05,600
Speaker 1: you want to be. But I think when we're talking

1205
00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:08,280
Speaker 1: emotionally and available to your point, people are pretty honest.

1206
00:49:08,400 --> 00:49:11,759
Speaker 1: And I think I'll say this, I used to date

1207
00:49:11,760 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: the emotionally unavailable people because that was my baseline. I

1208
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 1: knew how to keep myself safe. I knew how to perform,

1209
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:17,759
Speaker 1: I knew how to try to be the fixer. I

1210
00:49:17,840 --> 00:49:19,680
Speaker 1: knew how to put to project onto them all the

1211
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:21,440
Speaker 1: things that I wanted them to be. And that's why

1212
00:49:21,440 --> 00:49:23,200
Speaker 1: my mama would say, what if or what is right?

1213
00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:25,520
Speaker 1: What are we looking at here? Now that I'm in

1214
00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:28,359
Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, I got to say, you know, when

1215
00:49:28,360 --> 00:49:31,360
Speaker 1: someone's into you, when they like you, this person is

1216
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:34,120
Speaker 1: going to call you, They're going to have conversations. If

1217
00:49:34,120 --> 00:49:36,640
Speaker 1: you come to them with something, they work with you

1218
00:49:36,800 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 1: through it. Because it's not about like I'm not a

1219
00:49:39,160 --> 00:49:40,840
Speaker 1: fan of the don't go to bed angry, go to

1220
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:43,640
Speaker 1: bed angry with a plan to talk in the morning,

1221
00:49:44,080 --> 00:49:46,400
Speaker 1: because we need to have the rupture, but regulate to

1222
00:49:46,440 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 1: have the repair. And I find that with the emotionally

1223
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:51,680
Speaker 1: unavailable and then with the other dynamic, because if you're secure,

1224
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:54,959
Speaker 1: you don't entertain emotionally unavailable because you know you deserve more,

1225
00:49:55,120 --> 00:49:57,560
Speaker 1: and if you don't demand it, who's going to Versus

1226
00:49:57,600 --> 00:49:59,120
Speaker 1: if you're insecure and you're like, this is all I

1227
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:02,120
Speaker 1: can get, there's nothing else, and you're convincing yourself and

1228
00:50:02,120 --> 00:50:04,640
Speaker 1: you're translating crumbs into a meal when you deserve the

1229
00:50:04,760 --> 00:50:07,080
Speaker 1: entire loaf, not just a morsel of what they're giving.

1230
00:50:07,280 --> 00:50:09,560
Speaker 1: And like you said, you can't love someone into changing,

1231
00:50:09,600 --> 00:50:12,879
Speaker 1: and that's the reality. Love isn't enough. I wish, oh boy,

1232
00:50:12,920 --> 00:50:14,200
Speaker 1: I wish you. I wish all we had to do

1233
00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 1: is just love somebody. But if that was the case,

1234
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:18,320
Speaker 1: my mother would have changed my father, she did everything.

1235
00:50:18,400 --> 00:50:21,160
Speaker 1: She literally would have morphed herself into a pretzel. And

1236
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:24,080
Speaker 1: he still said, you're not baked enough for me. Because

1237
00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:27,440
Speaker 1: when someone just doesn't have that, nothing I do will

1238
00:50:27,520 --> 00:50:30,880
Speaker 1: change that except walking away, because that's for me, and

1239
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:32,719
Speaker 1: I'm not a fan of walk away. No matter what

1240
00:50:32,760 --> 00:50:35,440
Speaker 1: I think we're in a time where everything is I

1241
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:37,279
Speaker 1: don't like this, so leave. I don't like that you

1242
00:50:37,320 --> 00:50:39,160
Speaker 1: say this. I'm going to go. You don't say what

1243
00:50:39,200 --> 00:50:41,040
Speaker 1: I want, so I'm going to leave. No, no, no, no, that's

1244
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:43,520
Speaker 1: just rigidity. But what I am saying is if I'm

1245
00:50:43,560 --> 00:50:45,319
Speaker 1: not seeing progress, and if I'm not seeing that this

1246
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:47,839
Speaker 1: person has any kind of depth that we can get there,

1247
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:49,600
Speaker 1: I'm not going to continue to waste my time. It

1248
00:50:49,600 --> 00:50:51,160
Speaker 1: didn't work in childhood, it's not going to work now.

1249
00:50:51,400 --> 00:50:51,640
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1250
00:50:51,760 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 2: And an awareness themselves without your help and to you

1251
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:58,680
Speaker 2: as well. I think that's what you're really seeing as well.

1252
00:50:58,760 --> 00:51:01,160
Speaker 2: That isn't rigidity. Is Oh, I'm willing to change too.

1253
00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:03,560
Speaker 2: I can see my part in this. I can see

1254
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:07,480
Speaker 2: my little trauma, a big trauma coming through. I can

1255
00:51:07,520 --> 00:51:11,000
Speaker 2: see my past coming through, and I see how that

1256
00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:13,520
Speaker 2: triggers that person. But then I also see I think

1257
00:51:13,600 --> 00:51:17,239
Speaker 2: that's where we're missing, where both people have to hold

1258
00:51:17,280 --> 00:51:20,600
Speaker 2: their hands up and go, I'm accountable. I remember I

1259
00:51:20,719 --> 00:51:23,440
Speaker 2: came from a relationship my mom when my birthdays were

1260
00:51:23,480 --> 00:51:27,840
Speaker 2: really important, and I look forward to that because my

1261
00:51:27,920 --> 00:51:31,200
Speaker 2: mum always made my birthday feel really valuable. And when

1262
00:51:31,239 --> 00:51:34,719
Speaker 2: I met my wife, which I only discovered afterwards, was

1263
00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:38,120
Speaker 2: in her family, birthdays were not important. It was always

1264
00:51:38,120 --> 00:51:40,759
Speaker 2: about quality time, no matter what day it was. So

1265
00:51:40,800 --> 00:51:43,920
Speaker 2: we come from two totally different worlds and this sounds

1266
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:47,359
Speaker 2: like a really basic thing, but they're so hardwired. And

1267
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:49,880
Speaker 2: so when it was my birthday and she wouldn't make

1268
00:51:49,920 --> 00:51:51,480
Speaker 2: a big deal out of it, I would see that

1269
00:51:51,520 --> 00:51:54,920
Speaker 2: as you don't love me, And her take was like,

1270
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:57,359
Speaker 2: but we spent so much quality time together all the time,

1271
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:58,920
Speaker 2: why would I have to make a big deal on

1272
00:51:58,960 --> 00:52:03,520
Speaker 2: your birthday? And it sounds like, again, it sounds so

1273
00:52:03,520 --> 00:52:07,160
Speaker 2: so insignificant. But it took two things. One was me

1274
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:10,880
Speaker 2: recognizing that the only reason, going back to your example,

1275
00:52:10,960 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 2: the only reason that I think my birthday is important

1276
00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:14,959
Speaker 2: because that's how my mum loved me. It's not because

1277
00:52:14,960 --> 00:52:17,280
Speaker 2: I came up with that or I really think birthdays

1278
00:52:17,280 --> 00:52:19,719
Speaker 2: are that important. And at the same time for her

1279
00:52:19,800 --> 00:52:22,560
Speaker 2: to realize that maybe she's never thought about whether her

1280
00:52:22,560 --> 00:52:25,680
Speaker 2: birthdays are important or not, and maybe if her partner

1281
00:52:25,680 --> 00:52:27,719
Speaker 2: wants it, then maybe there's some truth in that. But

1282
00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:30,400
Speaker 2: she's just accepting the world she comes from. And I

1283
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:32,919
Speaker 2: think we often end up in a relationship with someone else,

1284
00:52:33,000 --> 00:52:35,160
Speaker 2: only continuing to live in a world that made someone

1285
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:37,880
Speaker 2: else made for us. And so now you're in a

1286
00:52:37,920 --> 00:52:41,200
Speaker 2: new world, living in your old world, designed by a

1287
00:52:41,280 --> 00:52:43,719
Speaker 2: parent or a friend, or a sibling or a caretaker

1288
00:52:44,360 --> 00:52:48,160
Speaker 2: who you didn't even question what world they were building

1289
00:52:48,200 --> 00:52:50,880
Speaker 2: for you, and you're still holding onto it because it

1290
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:52,320
Speaker 2: feels so familiar.

1291
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:54,560
Speaker 1: Your lived experiences, and everyone else's right, and that's what

1292
00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:56,880
Speaker 1: you're saying, And it's funny. Birthdays mean a lot to

1293
00:52:56,880 --> 00:52:58,880
Speaker 1: me for the exact opposite, because no one made them

1294
00:52:58,880 --> 00:53:01,359
Speaker 1: important for me. My mom was the only thing. God

1295
00:53:01,360 --> 00:53:04,439
Speaker 1: I remember. This is just to show you, like how

1296
00:53:04,480 --> 00:53:07,000
Speaker 1: little things can add up. I was nine and this

1297
00:53:07,200 --> 00:53:09,600
Speaker 1: was when my dad he would not buy us anything.

1298
00:53:09,680 --> 00:53:11,759
Speaker 1: He used money as a means of control, and so

1299
00:53:12,520 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 1: he would have his girlfriends that he had and they

1300
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:16,279
Speaker 1: would come and go, oh, your dad didn't buy you this,

1301
00:53:16,440 --> 00:53:18,080
Speaker 1: and I would just cry, being like no, my father

1302
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:20,680
Speaker 1: won't give me like anything to go buy at school.

1303
00:53:20,719 --> 00:53:22,520
Speaker 1: So no, he didn't buy me that. And my mom

1304
00:53:22,560 --> 00:53:24,480
Speaker 1: saved up money and she took me to Ross and

1305
00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:29,400
Speaker 1: she said, you can buy anything you want. And I

1306
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:33,160
Speaker 1: remember going through the aisles and making all these things

1307
00:53:33,200 --> 00:53:34,879
Speaker 1: and then she was behind me putting things back because

1308
00:53:34,880 --> 00:53:37,279
Speaker 1: she knew she couldn't afford it, but she never let

1309
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:39,440
Speaker 1: me know that. And so when we got to the

1310
00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:41,520
Speaker 1: register and she bought me like a pink dress I

1311
00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:44,479
Speaker 1: really wanted, and I remember when we left, she said,

1312
00:53:44,640 --> 00:53:46,839
Speaker 1: just don't tell your siblings, I bought this for you.

1313
00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:49,640
Speaker 1: And I didn't understand it at the time, and now

1314
00:53:49,680 --> 00:53:53,160
Speaker 1: I understand what she had to go through to save

1315
00:53:53,280 --> 00:53:55,560
Speaker 1: up money. For like two months, every time my dad

1316
00:53:55,560 --> 00:53:56,960
Speaker 1: would give her a couple she would put in her

1317
00:53:56,960 --> 00:54:00,560
Speaker 1: pocket because she knew I deserved something in that day.

1318
00:54:01,160 --> 00:54:03,400
Speaker 1: And she took me to Ross. She spent twenty dollars

1319
00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,880
Speaker 1: on a dress. But that made me feel like a

1320
00:54:05,960 --> 00:54:08,400
Speaker 1: million bucks. And so when I met my partner and

1321
00:54:08,440 --> 00:54:10,359
Speaker 1: I would say, this means a lot to me. When

1322
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:13,560
Speaker 1: he dismissed it, that was triggering for me. And to

1323
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:16,000
Speaker 1: your point, how is he going to know if I

1324
00:54:16,239 --> 00:54:18,279
Speaker 1: don't expect him to read my mind. I don't need

1325
00:54:18,360 --> 00:54:20,880
Speaker 1: him to just anticipate my needs. There's no one on

1326
00:54:20,920 --> 00:54:23,160
Speaker 1: the planet that's going to do that, not even yourself.

1327
00:54:23,600 --> 00:54:26,080
Speaker 1: But when I communicated that and then we talked about it.

1328
00:54:26,280 --> 00:54:28,319
Speaker 1: Now every year he makes sure it's special for me,

1329
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:31,000
Speaker 1: even though he doesn't care about it. But that's part

1330
00:54:31,040 --> 00:54:33,600
Speaker 1: of that is that I can meet and you can meet,

1331
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:35,839
Speaker 1: and we go and we talk and we converse and

1332
00:54:35,880 --> 00:54:38,920
Speaker 1: we share. But what's the real root of that is

1333
00:54:38,960 --> 00:54:41,640
Speaker 1: being vulnerable. And people are scared to be vulnerable because

1334
00:54:41,680 --> 00:54:44,080
Speaker 1: if I'm vulnerable with you, you could reject me. And if

1335
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:46,680
Speaker 1: you reject me, that's the same wound I'm running away from.

1336
00:54:47,040 --> 00:54:49,839
Speaker 1: But that's the key to a beautiful and healthy relationship

1337
00:54:50,080 --> 00:54:52,200
Speaker 1: is you have to have the vulnerability to be able

1338
00:54:52,200 --> 00:54:54,279
Speaker 1: to say, well, this means something to me, and can

1339
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:56,600
Speaker 1: I tell you why? Because how would he know if

1340
00:54:56,640 --> 00:54:58,799
Speaker 1: I didn't share the story of my mom why this

1341
00:54:58,880 --> 00:55:00,560
Speaker 1: means so much to me? Or to you your point,

1342
00:55:00,680 --> 00:55:02,719
Speaker 1: if you didn't tell Rady about your mom, she would

1343
00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:04,960
Speaker 1: have no idea and just think rise it being so dramatic.

1344
00:55:05,320 --> 00:55:07,520
Speaker 1: But it's a beautiful way to let someone into your life.

1345
00:55:07,560 --> 00:55:10,360
Speaker 1: And that's emotional availability. Is when somebody wants you to

1346
00:55:10,480 --> 00:55:13,320
Speaker 1: understand where they're coming from, that's them trying to welcome

1347
00:55:13,360 --> 00:55:16,560
Speaker 1: you in their life. Boundaries and communication don't keep them out.

1348
00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:18,640
Speaker 1: They're actually trying to keep you in their life. And

1349
00:55:18,680 --> 00:55:20,719
Speaker 1: we have to be able to read that and understand

1350
00:55:20,760 --> 00:55:22,080
Speaker 1: other people's lived experience.

1351
00:55:23,160 --> 00:55:27,000
Speaker 2: So I'm so thankful that you've done so much work

1352
00:55:27,040 --> 00:55:30,400
Speaker 2: because I'm just listening to you, going wow, like there's

1353
00:55:31,160 --> 00:55:33,120
Speaker 2: there's so much depth in everything you're saying, and I

1354
00:55:33,160 --> 00:55:35,520
Speaker 2: can see now that it comes from such a deep

1355
00:55:35,560 --> 00:55:41,640
Speaker 2: lived experience. And also not letting that become your paint

1356
00:55:41,640 --> 00:55:44,719
Speaker 2: brush for the future, but almost washing the paint brush

1357
00:55:44,800 --> 00:55:46,800
Speaker 2: before you start painting. That's kind of like the feeling.

1358
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:49,080
Speaker 2: It's like if you only paint with the paintbrush that

1359
00:55:49,760 --> 00:55:52,400
Speaker 2: is your past, you only have those colors to paint with,

1360
00:55:52,440 --> 00:55:55,000
Speaker 2: and then it's limited. And when I'm listening to you

1361
00:55:55,120 --> 00:55:57,640
Speaker 2: and thinking about my own experience as well, I'm thinking, yeah,

1362
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,959
Speaker 2: we're just washing that paint brush off, choosing the colors

1363
00:56:00,080 --> 00:56:00,720
Speaker 2: you want to choose.

1364
00:56:01,280 --> 00:56:03,000
Speaker 1: You guys, wouldn't I would imagine you would not be

1365
00:56:03,080 --> 00:56:05,239
Speaker 1: this far in your marriage if that didn't come with

1366
00:56:05,480 --> 00:56:09,560
Speaker 1: tons of conversations, hard conversations. I've had conversations with Ryan

1367
00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:12,080
Speaker 1: where I'm like, is this it? Like, are we did

1368
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:14,360
Speaker 1: we get to the end of the road, and you're no, no,

1369
00:56:14,400 --> 00:56:18,239
Speaker 1: we didn't keep going. But it's necessary because I for me,

1370
00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:21,319
Speaker 1: if we're not growing and evolving. What's the point. What

1371
00:56:21,440 --> 00:56:23,200
Speaker 1: is the point? What's the point of both of us

1372
00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:25,480
Speaker 1: having a podcast If we're not helping people grow. You

1373
00:56:25,520 --> 00:56:28,200
Speaker 1: can change, you can evolve, but God Dave, you gotta

1374
00:56:28,239 --> 00:56:30,080
Speaker 1: do some work and you have got to commit. What's

1375
00:56:30,080 --> 00:56:32,480
Speaker 1: the difference between me, you, and anybody that's listening. The

1376
00:56:32,600 --> 00:56:35,560
Speaker 1: choices we make. That is the only difference. I came

1377
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:37,919
Speaker 1: from nothing, you came from that. We both come from nothing.

1378
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:40,080
Speaker 1: No one has a silver spoon in their hands. Okay,

1379
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:42,319
Speaker 1: now go off in the world. But the choices we

1380
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:43,920
Speaker 1: make are what's going to change that. And you can

1381
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:45,799
Speaker 1: either have the life you want or you can live

1382
00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:48,360
Speaker 1: the life you have. You get to choose, and it

1383
00:56:48,520 --> 00:56:50,520
Speaker 1: is a choice. It's the same with I can't move

1384
00:56:50,560 --> 00:56:52,680
Speaker 1: on from them. I they're the love of my life.

1385
00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,800
Speaker 1: I don't know how. No, you're choosing to stay stuck

1386
00:56:56,000 --> 00:56:58,480
Speaker 1: own that, and then you can because when you take

1387
00:56:58,600 --> 00:57:01,239
Speaker 1: radical accountability of your life. And I had to do that. Now,

1388
00:57:01,239 --> 00:57:03,280
Speaker 1: I'm not saying you take accountability of everything that happens

1389
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:05,480
Speaker 1: in your life. Right if someone treats you poorly, it's

1390
00:57:05,480 --> 00:57:07,560
Speaker 1: not about oh there's something wrong with me, but it's

1391
00:57:07,600 --> 00:57:09,919
Speaker 1: about saying, but what did I allow? Because you start

1392
00:57:09,920 --> 00:57:11,560
Speaker 1: to look. I want you to look at anybody that's listening.

1393
00:57:11,600 --> 00:57:13,120
Speaker 1: Look at your friends, look at your family, look at

1394
00:57:13,120 --> 00:57:14,759
Speaker 1: your partners, look at everyone in your life. And if

1395
00:57:14,800 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 1: you don't like any of them, that starts and stops

1396
00:57:16,840 --> 00:57:18,880
Speaker 1: with you because you're allowing them in your life. They

1397
00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:20,960
Speaker 1: didn't force their way in there. And now you get

1398
00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:22,120
Speaker 1: to choose who stays.

1399
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:25,080
Speaker 2: And it starts. Then that's a great reflection. Everyone can

1400
00:57:25,120 --> 00:57:44,760
Speaker 2: do that right now and get really really clear on that. Serena,

1401
00:57:44,800 --> 00:57:46,680
Speaker 2: do you believe in right person, wrong time?

1402
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:48,840
Speaker 1: I don't. I think what makes someone right is that

1403
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:51,680
Speaker 1: they're in your life at the right time, Because for me,

1404
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:54,880
Speaker 1: I believe that there are people in your life that

1405
00:57:54,920 --> 00:57:56,800
Speaker 1: maybe you met them at a time that didn't work

1406
00:57:56,840 --> 00:57:58,840
Speaker 1: for you. But I don't believe in holding on to

1407
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:01,160
Speaker 1: people just because of timing. Now, I think timing is

1408
00:58:01,200 --> 00:58:04,240
Speaker 1: incredibly important. I think timing and proximity meaning way more

1409
00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,480
Speaker 1: than love, because if I'm not at the right place

1410
00:58:06,480 --> 00:58:08,160
Speaker 1: at the right time, it's going to be hard. But

1411
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,400
Speaker 1: I don't believe in holding on to people. If they're

1412
00:58:10,440 --> 00:58:12,840
Speaker 1: right for you, they'll come back organically and naturally. But

1413
00:58:12,880 --> 00:58:14,400
Speaker 1: you don't need to hold on to it. And I

1414
00:58:14,400 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 1: think when we say that, we grip on and say,

1415
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:19,640
Speaker 1: but that's the person for me, and then you miss

1416
00:58:19,640 --> 00:58:21,640
Speaker 1: out on all the doors that are opening because you're

1417
00:58:21,680 --> 00:58:23,480
Speaker 1: staring at the window that's that's closed.

1418
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:26,720
Speaker 2: I'm with you on that. I don't challenge you either, right.

1419
00:58:26,880 --> 00:58:29,280
Speaker 2: I just think like you can meet someone that you

1420
00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:32,560
Speaker 2: like a lot at the wrong time, that isn't that's

1421
00:58:32,680 --> 00:58:35,680
Speaker 2: the definition of they're not the right person. And so

1422
00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:37,960
Speaker 2: it's not that you won't meet someone who's amazing or

1423
00:58:38,040 --> 00:58:40,200
Speaker 2: you're in a bad point in your life or the

1424
00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:41,920
Speaker 2: opposite where you're in a great point in your life

1425
00:58:41,960 --> 00:58:44,240
Speaker 2: ready for the most amazing person and they're not ready,

1426
00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:47,000
Speaker 2: and that doesn't make them the right person. And like

1427
00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:48,480
Speaker 2: you said, it doesn't mean they can't be the right

1428
00:58:48,480 --> 00:58:51,000
Speaker 2: person one day. But yeah, it isn't It isn't the

1429
00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:52,720
Speaker 2: thing right now. But I think sometimes we tell these

1430
00:58:52,760 --> 00:58:56,600
Speaker 2: things to ourselves because they make us feel special and better.

1431
00:58:56,400 --> 00:58:59,600
Speaker 1: And we love bumper stick or slogans. Our brain loves them.

1432
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:01,520
Speaker 1: That's why if they like youly know, if not, you'll

1433
00:59:01,560 --> 00:59:04,400
Speaker 1: be confused. Now dating's really confusing. I don't know who

1434
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,880
Speaker 1: said that right dating is really weird. There's a lot

1435
00:59:06,920 --> 00:59:09,000
Speaker 1: of confusion if you wanted to hear what we already

1436
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:11,440
Speaker 1: went over that same right person, wrong time, because what

1437
00:59:11,440 --> 00:59:13,080
Speaker 1: happens is when you chalk people up to one hundred

1438
00:59:13,080 --> 00:59:15,280
Speaker 1: and forty characters or less, you just slap a bumper

1439
00:59:15,320 --> 00:59:17,040
Speaker 1: sticker and call it a day. But we are such

1440
00:59:17,240 --> 00:59:20,640
Speaker 1: nuanced creatures, we are so complex. We can't be chalked

1441
00:59:20,720 --> 00:59:23,280
Speaker 1: up to just as saying, because then that's insinuating all

1442
00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:25,400
Speaker 1: of us are the same, and I'm fairly certain a

1443
00:59:25,400 --> 00:59:27,720
Speaker 1: lot of us are different. And so I think what

1444
00:59:27,800 --> 00:59:29,840
Speaker 1: makes somebody that they're right? If I ad met Ryan

1445
00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:33,439
Speaker 1: when his sister passed, we would never have been together. Now,

1446
00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:35,320
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that in the past, like I'm sure

1447
00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:37,680
Speaker 1: you and I have gone on probably dates that that

1448
00:59:37,760 --> 00:59:39,360
Speaker 1: are not your wife, not your partner, that you're like, man,

1449
00:59:39,400 --> 00:59:42,120
Speaker 1: that was amazing. That doesn't discredit the connection that you

1450
00:59:42,200 --> 00:59:44,120
Speaker 1: have And that doesn't mean that your partner is not

1451
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:47,160
Speaker 1: it's a different connection. And we have to be okay

1452
00:59:47,360 --> 00:59:49,920
Speaker 1: to know that you're right if this person's not for me,

1453
00:59:50,080 --> 00:59:51,840
Speaker 1: and not to mention what makes us want them even

1454
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:53,800
Speaker 1: more is that usually they don't want us, because that

1455
00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:55,360
Speaker 1: is going to go into I have to prove it,

1456
00:59:55,480 --> 00:59:57,440
Speaker 1: let me earn it, I can get them, and we

1457
00:59:57,520 --> 00:59:59,840
Speaker 1: go right back into the wounds instead of saying thank you.

1458
00:59:59,880 --> 01:00:01,880
Speaker 1: So I'm going to move on with my life. When

1459
01:00:01,920 --> 01:00:03,680
Speaker 1: I did, I held on to a guy I met

1460
01:00:03,680 --> 01:00:05,240
Speaker 1: my partner four months later after I let him go

1461
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:07,880
Speaker 1: because I said, you right person, wrong time, You're just

1462
01:00:07,920 --> 01:00:09,720
Speaker 1: not for me. I'm glad I didn't.

1463
01:00:10,200 --> 01:00:13,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, talking about dating being confusing, I want to talk

1464
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:17,400
Speaker 2: about texting dating because this is your pro at this.

1465
01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:17,880
Speaker 1: That's my thing.

1466
01:00:18,200 --> 01:00:21,440
Speaker 2: The techniques to now seduce people or get people, but

1467
01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:24,160
Speaker 2: the reality of being really clear about it. So texting

1468
01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:26,240
Speaker 2: etiquette when dating. I have a few questions for you.

1469
01:00:26,280 --> 01:00:26,640
Speaker 1: Talk to me.

1470
01:00:26,840 --> 01:00:29,440
Speaker 2: If you've only been out with someone one time, is

1471
01:00:29,440 --> 01:00:30,840
Speaker 2: it okay to ghost?

1472
01:00:33,000 --> 01:00:35,080
Speaker 1: It's not my favorite thing to ghost, but I would

1473
01:00:35,120 --> 01:00:37,320
Speaker 1: say we have to depersonalize it. If you've been out

1474
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:39,240
Speaker 1: with this person once, nobody owes anything.

1475
01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:39,320
Speaker 2: Now.

1476
01:00:39,360 --> 01:00:40,680
Speaker 1: I know people are going to scream and say, but

1477
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:42,800
Speaker 1: it's your time and it's this. I would love it

1478
01:00:42,800 --> 01:00:45,160
Speaker 1: if you tell somebody, hey, I'm not interested. But I've

1479
01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:47,440
Speaker 1: seen the other side of the coin. I've seen people

1480
01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:50,280
Speaker 1: lose their marbles. I've seen people attack. I've had men

1481
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:52,800
Speaker 1: show up at my house because they somehow figured out

1482
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:54,960
Speaker 1: where I lived and were upset that I didn't want

1483
01:00:55,000 --> 01:00:57,520
Speaker 1: to see them again. So I would say this, It

1484
01:00:57,520 --> 01:00:59,040
Speaker 1: would be nice if you said that you don't want

1485
01:00:59,040 --> 01:01:01,160
Speaker 1: to see somebody, but if it doesn't happen, don't take

1486
01:01:01,160 --> 01:01:02,439
Speaker 1: it personal. Welcome to dating.

1487
01:01:04,200 --> 01:01:07,080
Speaker 2: Okay. They tell you they don't like texting during the

1488
01:01:07,200 --> 01:01:09,880
Speaker 2: day because they're busy at work, but you still get

1489
01:01:09,880 --> 01:01:12,360
Speaker 2: anxious when you don't hear from them. How does someone

1490
01:01:12,400 --> 01:01:13,040
Speaker 2: push through that?

1491
01:01:13,360 --> 01:01:15,520
Speaker 1: Oh, that that's our nervous system. That has nothing to

1492
01:01:15,520 --> 01:01:17,840
Speaker 1: do with them. That person clearly communicated they told you

1493
01:01:17,840 --> 01:01:19,440
Speaker 1: they don't want to text. They let you know that

1494
01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:21,320
Speaker 1: they have a life and they're doing other things, and

1495
01:01:21,360 --> 01:01:24,360
Speaker 1: not everybody. I'm so tired of the saying we all

1496
01:01:24,400 --> 01:01:26,400
Speaker 1: have our phone in our hands. It takes ten seconds.

1497
01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:28,520
Speaker 1: First of all, it's never just one text. Second. Of all,

1498
01:01:28,560 --> 01:01:31,520
Speaker 1: that requires bandwidth. I could be on social media scrolling

1499
01:01:31,560 --> 01:01:34,200
Speaker 1: and watching dog videos, which I love to do all day,

1500
01:01:34,240 --> 01:01:35,880
Speaker 1: and I have twenty five text messages. I don't have

1501
01:01:35,880 --> 01:01:37,880
Speaker 1: the bandwidth. I will deal with you later. That's not

1502
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:40,200
Speaker 1: and that doesn't mean that I'm not interested in you.

1503
01:01:40,240 --> 01:01:42,360
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean I don't like you. But what happens

1504
01:01:42,400 --> 01:01:44,160
Speaker 1: is we go into black and white thinking if they

1505
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:46,120
Speaker 1: do this, it's good. If they do this, it's bad.

1506
01:01:46,280 --> 01:01:47,959
Speaker 1: And what we're trying to do is understand the gray.

1507
01:01:48,720 --> 01:01:50,800
Speaker 1: I think, if you're getting anxious because somebody hasn't text

1508
01:01:50,880 --> 01:01:52,480
Speaker 1: you back, we need to look at the state and

1509
01:01:52,520 --> 01:01:54,600
Speaker 1: the story that you're in as opposed to that they're

1510
01:01:54,640 --> 01:01:56,640
Speaker 1: the problem, because how else are they showing up?

1511
01:01:57,440 --> 01:02:00,160
Speaker 2: Great? Take? Okay, I like this one. You're always here's

1512
01:02:00,160 --> 01:02:02,600
Speaker 2: the one starting the conversation. Is that a sign you

1513
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:05,240
Speaker 2: care more? Or just different communication stars?

1514
01:02:05,480 --> 01:02:07,160
Speaker 1: That might be a sign that you're not giving them

1515
01:02:07,200 --> 01:02:10,520
Speaker 1: space to step in. I've seen that often. Now, if

1516
01:02:10,560 --> 01:02:13,080
Speaker 1: you give the space and you don't hear from this person,

1517
01:02:13,160 --> 01:02:15,560
Speaker 1: you have your answer right there. You were carrying this along.

1518
01:02:15,800 --> 01:02:18,040
Speaker 1: But oftentimes I've had plenty of men contact me and say,

1519
01:02:18,040 --> 01:02:19,520
Speaker 1: this girl texts me every single morning. I don't even

1520
01:02:19,560 --> 01:02:22,560
Speaker 1: get a chance to reach out to her. Distance creates desire.

1521
01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:25,120
Speaker 1: It's okay to let that go for a day, and

1522
01:02:25,160 --> 01:02:27,320
Speaker 1: if you can't sit still, that's what we need to

1523
01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:29,040
Speaker 1: work on, not the texting etiquette.

1524
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:32,120
Speaker 2: Someone says they're a bad text Does someone's texting behavior

1525
01:02:32,160 --> 01:02:33,760
Speaker 2: actually indicate their interest.

1526
01:02:33,480 --> 01:02:36,480
Speaker 1: In you to a certain extent? I think if we

1527
01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:38,840
Speaker 1: see where it starts to show is when they come

1528
01:02:38,840 --> 01:02:40,520
Speaker 1: in at one hundred. My mom always says, where else

1529
01:02:40,520 --> 01:02:42,360
Speaker 1: are you going to go? When they come in texting

1530
01:02:42,360 --> 01:02:45,800
Speaker 1: every day, calling you all the time, super super, super communicative,

1531
01:02:45,920 --> 01:02:48,040
Speaker 1: and then you get the crickets and the go well,

1532
01:02:48,040 --> 01:02:50,360
Speaker 1: then yes there's a shift in behavior. Something is up.

1533
01:02:50,680 --> 01:02:55,200
Speaker 1: But intrinsically, instinctually, is their texting behavior and gauge of

1534
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:58,160
Speaker 1: their interest. Absolutely not. My partner texts me every other

1535
01:02:58,240 --> 01:03:01,480
Speaker 1: day just to confirm or hey, help you have a

1536
01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:04,440
Speaker 1: great day, talk to you later. We did not engage.

1537
01:03:04,480 --> 01:03:06,560
Speaker 1: We're three years later and here we are. I don't

1538
01:03:06,600 --> 01:03:07,760
Speaker 1: need to text him every day because we have a

1539
01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:10,200
Speaker 1: beautiful relationship. So we need to start to look at

1540
01:03:10,280 --> 01:03:12,680
Speaker 1: what else is there? And if all you have is texting,

1541
01:03:12,840 --> 01:03:13,920
Speaker 1: you don't have a relationship.

1542
01:03:14,120 --> 01:03:17,160
Speaker 2: Yeah. My wife never messages me, does she to this day?

1543
01:03:17,560 --> 01:03:19,760
Speaker 2: I have to call her. She's a call person. If

1544
01:03:19,760 --> 01:03:21,440
Speaker 2: I call her, she'll pick up immediately say with her.

1545
01:03:21,600 --> 01:03:24,080
Speaker 2: She's happy to talk. If I text her, I'll be

1546
01:03:24,240 --> 01:03:27,160
Speaker 2: waiting for hours and hours and hours, and I'm just

1547
01:03:27,360 --> 01:03:29,560
Speaker 2: aware of that at this point, and she's like, yeah,

1548
01:03:29,600 --> 01:03:31,600
Speaker 2: just call me. She goes, I'll pick up the phone.

1549
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:32,920
Speaker 2: If I see her name, I'll pick up the phone.

1550
01:03:32,960 --> 01:03:34,600
Speaker 2: But if you're messaging me, she's the same, She's like,

1551
01:03:34,760 --> 01:03:37,160
Speaker 2: and it's so funny. She sent me a screenshot of

1552
01:03:37,200 --> 01:03:39,760
Speaker 2: some conversations she was having the other day and I said,

1553
01:03:40,120 --> 01:03:42,840
Speaker 2: it's this seven hundred and thirty three hundred messages for me,

1554
01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,800
Speaker 2: Like I was like, I just noticed that at the

1555
01:03:44,800 --> 01:03:46,600
Speaker 2: top and I was cracking out and she was cracking up.

1556
01:03:46,640 --> 01:03:49,680
Speaker 2: But it's just it's just yeah, it's like, that's how

1557
01:03:49,720 --> 01:03:52,320
Speaker 2: she likes to get and she's told me that many times. Now,

1558
01:03:52,400 --> 01:03:54,880
Speaker 2: I like texting because I don't have time for a call,

1559
01:03:54,960 --> 01:03:57,160
Speaker 2: so I'm the one trying to do that. But then

1560
01:03:57,160 --> 01:03:58,760
Speaker 2: I'm like, but no, she's told me how to get

1561
01:03:58,760 --> 01:04:00,320
Speaker 2: through to it, and she does. She picks up every

1562
01:04:00,360 --> 01:04:02,120
Speaker 2: single tomic coil it no matter where she is, what

1563
01:04:02,200 --> 01:04:04,760
Speaker 2: time it is, wherever it is, she will pick up Yeah,

1564
01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:07,120
Speaker 2: and it's yeah, so I can agree more.

1565
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:08,720
Speaker 1: Where we have The issue is the story and the

1566
01:04:08,800 --> 01:04:11,760
Speaker 1: narrative that's being created right otherwise there's no issue. But

1567
01:04:11,800 --> 01:04:15,160
Speaker 1: we've put texting is a dopamine addiction fuel, the same

1568
01:04:15,200 --> 01:04:18,280
Speaker 1: as a slot machine. We're waiting, so dopamine is released

1569
01:04:18,280 --> 01:04:20,880
Speaker 1: in anticipation of not when you get the reward. That's

1570
01:04:20,920 --> 01:04:23,400
Speaker 1: why waiting for the text. Where is it? Where is it?

1571
01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:25,280
Speaker 1: Where is it? And we're like feeding for a fix

1572
01:04:25,360 --> 01:04:27,640
Speaker 1: because that's a drug versus then when you get it,

1573
01:04:27,720 --> 01:04:29,680
Speaker 1: you get the serotonin bump, but then you need more

1574
01:04:29,720 --> 01:04:31,480
Speaker 1: because then there's another text, and they wait it and

1575
01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:34,000
Speaker 1: we start to get hypervigilant. They put ten seconds, what

1576
01:04:34,040 --> 01:04:35,880
Speaker 1: they put a period. They didn't put a smiley face.

1577
01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:38,160
Speaker 1: We try to decode and at the end of the

1578
01:04:38,240 --> 01:04:41,080
Speaker 1: day we're disconnecting. We're not actually connecting because, like you said,

1579
01:04:41,120 --> 01:04:43,000
Speaker 1: pick up the phone and have a conversation and if

1580
01:04:43,040 --> 01:04:44,520
Speaker 1: the person goes, what do you talking about it, I'm

1581
01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:47,040
Speaker 1: literally on the subway, dude. I couldn't text you a

1582
01:04:47,320 --> 01:04:49,919
Speaker 1: I created a narrative that's on me versus Hey, thanks

1583
01:04:49,920 --> 01:04:51,720
Speaker 1: for calling. Actually there is something I'd like to talk

1584
01:04:51,720 --> 01:04:54,320
Speaker 1: to you about. And you're like, okay, yeah, I said something.

1585
01:04:54,120 --> 01:04:56,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, and we observe it wrong, like I think

1586
01:04:56,720 --> 01:04:58,640
Speaker 2: sometimes and I talked about it. By the way, this

1587
01:04:58,680 --> 01:05:01,680
Speaker 2: works with colleagues and teams too. Sometimes of teams going

1588
01:05:01,680 --> 01:05:04,120
Speaker 2: through an email exchange with someone and I'm like, I

1589
01:05:04,160 --> 01:05:06,000
Speaker 2: just pick up the phone and just close it, like

1590
01:05:06,440 --> 01:05:08,880
Speaker 2: I promise you will get done so much quicker. Ye.

1591
01:05:09,360 --> 01:05:11,560
Speaker 2: And I've realized that with not just riding with other

1592
01:05:11,560 --> 01:05:13,280
Speaker 2: people on my team, where I'm like and I'm like

1593
01:05:13,320 --> 01:05:16,240
Speaker 2: this sumtips. I don't like making big decisions over a

1594
01:05:16,320 --> 01:05:20,400
Speaker 2: text message because I feel like it's over committing without context,

1595
01:05:20,760 --> 01:05:22,560
Speaker 2: and so I'd rather pick up the phone and say, hey,

1596
01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:24,479
Speaker 2: this is these are the three things I'm thinking about.

1597
01:05:24,480 --> 01:05:26,560
Speaker 2: What are you thinking? Oh, these are three things I'm think. Okay,

1598
01:05:26,640 --> 01:05:29,280
Speaker 2: let's make this decision together, and it feels more real,

1599
01:05:29,320 --> 01:05:31,320
Speaker 2: whereas saying yes or no one a text it just

1600
01:05:31,320 --> 01:05:33,480
Speaker 2: feels like high pressure to me because I feel like

1601
01:05:33,480 --> 01:05:36,040
Speaker 2: I'm not giving any context of whether I want to

1602
01:05:36,080 --> 01:05:36,600
Speaker 2: do that or not.

1603
01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:40,360
Speaker 1: Text has no tone. We create, so especially in dating, well,

1604
01:05:40,400 --> 01:05:42,280
Speaker 1: if we're gonna even talk, you don't know this person,

1605
01:05:42,400 --> 01:05:44,400
Speaker 1: you match with them on a n app, you are creating

1606
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:47,120
Speaker 1: their tonality. You are creating how they say it, what

1607
01:05:47,160 --> 01:05:49,280
Speaker 1: they say, and oftentimes we do that and how we

1608
01:05:49,320 --> 01:05:51,720
Speaker 1: would do it So if someone text, you're like, oh

1609
01:05:52,000 --> 01:05:54,200
Speaker 1: Y has time? My day is versus the guys just

1610
01:05:54,880 --> 01:05:57,760
Speaker 1: send out an automated text to thirty women that morning

1611
01:05:58,000 --> 01:06:00,760
Speaker 1: and we create this whole fantasy basis on a screen,

1612
01:06:00,960 --> 01:06:02,520
Speaker 1: and then we wonder why we're so upset.

1613
01:06:02,680 --> 01:06:05,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that was so good. Definitely all right, And

1614
01:06:05,400 --> 01:06:08,680
Speaker 2: now I've got some scenario based questions. So if someone

1615
01:06:08,680 --> 01:06:12,000
Speaker 2: says they don't want anything serious but keep treating you

1616
01:06:12,120 --> 01:06:14,000
Speaker 2: like a partner, what's really going on?

1617
01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:16,080
Speaker 1: That's why I hate actions speak loud on the words.

1618
01:06:16,120 --> 01:06:18,320
Speaker 1: That's the epitome that they don't, because what that person

1619
01:06:18,400 --> 01:06:20,320
Speaker 1: is saying is I told you I don't want a relationship,

1620
01:06:20,400 --> 01:06:22,240
Speaker 1: You're still giving me access, so I'm going to take

1621
01:06:22,240 --> 01:06:24,800
Speaker 1: what I have. You have to tell them that you're

1622
01:06:24,840 --> 01:06:27,040
Speaker 1: not willing to allow that, otherwise they will keep taking it.

1623
01:06:27,080 --> 01:06:27,760
Speaker 1: Why wouldn't they?

1624
01:06:29,040 --> 01:06:30,880
Speaker 2: Well said, I like it all right. You've been in

1625
01:06:30,920 --> 01:06:34,480
Speaker 2: countless situationships, none lasting longer than a couple months, and

1626
01:06:34,560 --> 01:06:37,040
Speaker 2: have yet to move into a serious, committed relationship. What

1627
01:06:37,120 --> 01:06:37,840
Speaker 2: could be happening?

1628
01:06:38,000 --> 01:06:41,080
Speaker 1: You're not using your voice if you're in countless situationships

1629
01:06:41,120 --> 01:06:43,840
Speaker 1: and you're acknowledging that you're in situationships. You're not communicating,

1630
01:06:43,880 --> 01:06:46,600
Speaker 1: because what is the situationship. It's a relationship without boundaries,

1631
01:06:46,600 --> 01:06:48,800
Speaker 1: without clear communication, and without asking for your needs to

1632
01:06:48,800 --> 01:06:50,520
Speaker 1: be mad. Start asking for your needs to be it,

1633
01:06:50,640 --> 01:06:52,400
Speaker 1: start taking up space, and then you'll start to see

1634
01:06:52,400 --> 01:06:53,320
Speaker 1: your relationships change.

1635
01:06:53,640 --> 01:06:57,840
Speaker 2: Okay, you went on a date that felt amazing, everything aligned,

1636
01:06:58,000 --> 01:07:00,880
Speaker 2: They said, let's do this again soon, and then silence.

1637
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:02,000
Speaker 2: What's going on there?

1638
01:07:02,640 --> 01:07:05,440
Speaker 1: It's entirely possible that in the moment they did like you,

1639
01:07:05,520 --> 01:07:09,000
Speaker 1: and then they went home and went, actually, you know,

1640
01:07:09,160 --> 01:07:11,320
Speaker 1: and like, I will to say it as if I

1641
01:07:11,320 --> 01:07:12,960
Speaker 1: haven't done it. I've done that, I've been out on

1642
01:07:12,960 --> 01:07:14,800
Speaker 1: the date, going this person's great. Then you go home

1643
01:07:14,840 --> 01:07:17,440
Speaker 1: going wait a minute, did he actually say what I

1644
01:07:17,440 --> 01:07:19,720
Speaker 1: thought he said? Are No, I'm actually don't really like this,

1645
01:07:20,080 --> 01:07:22,400
Speaker 1: and you just decide that's why we're dating. And I

1646
01:07:22,440 --> 01:07:24,880
Speaker 1: think what I'm seeing now, really big, is that we

1647
01:07:24,960 --> 01:07:27,360
Speaker 1: want certainty. I need to know that before I've gone

1648
01:07:27,400 --> 01:07:28,600
Speaker 1: out with you, that you want to date, meet, you

1649
01:07:28,600 --> 01:07:30,320
Speaker 1: want to be in a relationship, you want to get married.

1650
01:07:30,560 --> 01:07:32,840
Speaker 1: Because we don't trust ourselves. If you trust yourself that

1651
01:07:32,880 --> 01:07:35,280
Speaker 1: no matter what, you'll be Okay, you'll ask the right questions,

1652
01:07:35,320 --> 01:07:37,400
Speaker 1: you'll vet them properly and you'll decide if this works

1653
01:07:37,400 --> 01:07:39,080
Speaker 1: for you. That's what we need to focus on.

1654
01:07:39,800 --> 01:07:42,080
Speaker 2: Got it Okay? You went on a date with someone

1655
01:07:42,120 --> 01:07:45,440
Speaker 2: who is perfect on paper, but there's zero spark. Is

1656
01:07:45,480 --> 01:07:47,280
Speaker 2: there such a thing as the spark? And should you

1657
01:07:47,360 --> 01:07:48,320
Speaker 2: give it another chance?

1658
01:07:48,600 --> 01:07:50,240
Speaker 1: I would have to argue and say, what are you

1659
01:07:50,240 --> 01:07:52,000
Speaker 1: looking for? Because if you're chasing a feeling, you can't

1660
01:07:52,040 --> 01:07:54,040
Speaker 1: be surprised when you don't find it. When you're chasing

1661
01:07:54,080 --> 01:07:56,440
Speaker 1: something that is just momentary, then you're left with a

1662
01:07:56,520 --> 01:07:59,200
Speaker 1: human after And so if they're perfect on paper, then

1663
01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:00,640
Speaker 1: I think what we need to look and say is

1664
01:08:00,720 --> 01:08:02,760
Speaker 1: what are you actually looking for and what is it

1665
01:08:02,760 --> 01:08:05,080
Speaker 1: that Because that's a cognitive dissonance. I say I want this,

1666
01:08:05,160 --> 01:08:07,000
Speaker 1: and then these are the people that I date. There's

1667
01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:09,400
Speaker 1: a disconnect. So then I would say, well, then you're

1668
01:08:09,440 --> 01:08:12,320
Speaker 1: chasing a feeling because the spark, as we spoke about earlier,

1669
01:08:12,400 --> 01:08:14,280
Speaker 1: is usually your nervous system trying to tell you to

1670
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,360
Speaker 1: run and sending blood to your falangy so you could

1671
01:08:16,400 --> 01:08:18,880
Speaker 1: get out of there. But they're attractive. If you don't

1672
01:08:18,880 --> 01:08:20,400
Speaker 1: have the spark, that doesn't mean it's bad. What I

1673
01:08:20,439 --> 01:08:22,519
Speaker 1: would look at is are you interested in topics that

1674
01:08:22,560 --> 01:08:24,639
Speaker 1: they talk about? Do you like what they have to say?

1675
01:08:24,880 --> 01:08:27,720
Speaker 1: Are you intrigued and interested in talking to them? If

1676
01:08:27,720 --> 01:08:30,080
Speaker 1: that's the answer, doesn't matter about the spark. You don't

1677
01:08:30,160 --> 01:08:32,240
Speaker 1: like the person. And that's the differential.

1678
01:08:32,479 --> 01:08:35,679
Speaker 2: They keep saying, I'm just not good at relationships. Should

1679
01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:38,000
Speaker 2: you take that as honesty or a red flag? Both?

1680
01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:41,439
Speaker 1: It is an honest red flag. If somebody is openly

1681
01:08:41,479 --> 01:08:43,679
Speaker 1: telling you I'm not good at relationships. My next question

1682
01:08:43,680 --> 01:08:46,000
Speaker 1: would say what does that mean? And I would say, no,

1683
01:08:46,120 --> 01:08:48,840
Speaker 1: thank you, because I am.

1684
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:52,519
Speaker 2: It's so interesting as well that I feel like, I

1685
01:08:52,520 --> 01:08:55,479
Speaker 2: think we all want to feel safe, but it's also

1686
01:08:55,520 --> 01:08:57,920
Speaker 2: making space for others to feel safe enough to be

1687
01:08:58,040 --> 01:09:01,160
Speaker 2: themselves exactly. And a lot of the time, I think

1688
01:09:01,200 --> 01:09:04,240
Speaker 2: in the guys of trying to keep ourselves safe, we

1689
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:07,240
Speaker 2: actually make the other person feel very unsafe because we're like,

1690
01:09:07,280 --> 01:09:08,760
Speaker 2: I don't like when someone does this, I don't like

1691
01:09:08,800 --> 01:09:10,280
Speaker 2: it when someone does that, I don't enjoy this, I

1692
01:09:10,280 --> 01:09:11,960
Speaker 2: don't want this. And then that person goes, Okay, well,

1693
01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:13,439
Speaker 2: I'm not going to do any of those things now,

1694
01:09:13,840 --> 01:09:16,639
Speaker 2: because if I tell you that, then you're gonna because

1695
01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:18,760
Speaker 2: you haven't given me the opportunity for us to get

1696
01:09:18,800 --> 01:09:20,920
Speaker 2: to know each other, to even deal with that level

1697
01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:23,880
Speaker 2: of space. Does that make sense? It's like it's like

1698
01:09:23,920 --> 01:09:25,400
Speaker 2: I don't even have the space to tell you that

1699
01:09:25,479 --> 01:09:27,800
Speaker 2: I'm struggling with X, Y, and Z, because you've just

1700
01:09:27,840 --> 01:09:29,800
Speaker 2: told me that you want someone who's already done the work,

1701
01:09:29,800 --> 01:09:32,240
Speaker 2: who already does therapy, who's healed. Who's this? And someone's

1702
01:09:32,240 --> 01:09:33,720
Speaker 2: like what I was about to tell you that I'm

1703
01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:36,680
Speaker 2: like dealing with you know, this challenge over here and

1704
01:09:36,720 --> 01:09:38,559
Speaker 2: I'm in therapy for it, or I've been seeking a

1705
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:40,800
Speaker 2: therapist and now they're just scared to tell you and

1706
01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:42,240
Speaker 2: they're like, yeah, okay, cool, got it.

1707
01:09:42,320 --> 01:09:43,760
Speaker 1: Oh I see it all the time of like I

1708
01:09:43,800 --> 01:09:47,120
Speaker 1: want a healed person, no more unhealed who first of all,

1709
01:09:47,160 --> 01:09:49,400
Speaker 1: who is ever healed? I know there is a journey

1710
01:09:49,439 --> 01:09:52,840
Speaker 1: for life. If this is it for me, this is boring,

1711
01:09:52,960 --> 01:09:54,320
Speaker 1: right Like if this is it, if I reached my

1712
01:09:54,400 --> 01:09:56,760
Speaker 1: peak for me too, that's it, right, Like I'd love more.

1713
01:09:57,000 --> 01:09:59,320
Speaker 1: But we have to stop looking at myopically of either

1714
01:09:59,360 --> 01:10:02,559
Speaker 1: healed or un We're looking for growth minded because if

1715
01:10:02,600 --> 01:10:04,320
Speaker 1: somebody is saying I want to do the work, I

1716
01:10:04,360 --> 01:10:06,680
Speaker 1: want to invest, I just need help. Great, then we

1717
01:10:06,720 --> 01:10:09,080
Speaker 1: can support each other through that. But if somebody isn't

1718
01:10:09,080 --> 01:10:11,000
Speaker 1: going to at least take accountability and ownership of their

1719
01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:13,000
Speaker 1: part in the dynamic and some mood point.

1720
01:10:13,200 --> 01:10:16,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, a few more scenarios. Let's go. You're in

1721
01:10:16,120 --> 01:10:19,000
Speaker 2: the gray area, not officially dating, but not casually there.

1722
01:10:19,439 --> 01:10:21,320
Speaker 2: How do you have the what are we? Conversation?

1723
01:10:21,600 --> 01:10:23,479
Speaker 1: You don't ask somebody what it is that you are.

1724
01:10:23,560 --> 01:10:25,640
Speaker 1: You tell them what you want, you see if it aligns. So,

1725
01:10:25,680 --> 01:10:27,400
Speaker 1: if you're in the gray area, you say, hey, i'd

1726
01:10:27,400 --> 01:10:29,080
Speaker 1: love to share something with you. I don't know what's

1727
01:10:29,080 --> 01:10:31,320
Speaker 1: happening here. I really like you. I'd love to delete

1728
01:10:31,320 --> 01:10:32,920
Speaker 1: the apps and just focus on you, but I wanted

1729
01:10:32,920 --> 01:10:35,040
Speaker 1: to see how are you feeling about that. Most people

1730
01:10:35,080 --> 01:10:36,800
Speaker 1: won't do that because they're scared of the answer. But

1731
01:10:36,840 --> 01:10:38,759
Speaker 1: if you genuinely want to know, you got to ask.

1732
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:41,360
Speaker 2: I love the idea of everything in life, of going

1733
01:10:41,439 --> 01:10:44,760
Speaker 2: into it with clearly what you want from it, and

1734
01:10:44,800 --> 01:10:47,200
Speaker 2: then you're so it's so easy to figure out where

1735
01:10:47,200 --> 01:10:49,720
Speaker 2: the other person lands, whereas you're like, hey, let's kind

1736
01:10:49,720 --> 01:10:51,640
Speaker 2: of figure out where this is going and what you

1737
01:10:51,640 --> 01:10:53,200
Speaker 2: want and they're like, yeah, well what are you thinking?

1738
01:10:53,200 --> 01:10:55,080
Speaker 2: Like I like the way it is right now, and

1739
01:10:55,439 --> 01:10:58,040
Speaker 2: your point's like, oh well I don't. But then you

1740
01:10:58,080 --> 01:11:00,120
Speaker 2: don't know what to offer and what to say, and

1741
01:11:00,160 --> 01:11:01,840
Speaker 2: then you get suck there. Go oh I like it too,

1742
01:11:02,080 --> 01:11:03,840
Speaker 2: I'll go with the flow. Yeah it works for me.

1743
01:11:04,280 --> 01:11:05,800
Speaker 2: It's in every area of life.

1744
01:11:05,960 --> 01:11:08,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, go with the flow is the worst dating advice. Yes,

1745
01:11:08,200 --> 01:11:10,200
Speaker 1: where's the flow going? Is there an end game? Like

1746
01:11:10,240 --> 01:11:11,160
Speaker 1: do we have snacks on the way?

1747
01:11:11,200 --> 01:11:11,280
Speaker 2: Like?

1748
01:11:11,320 --> 01:11:13,840
Speaker 1: Where are we going? Because there is no endgame? And

1749
01:11:13,880 --> 01:11:16,719
Speaker 1: so I need clarity, not the fluidity, because when people

1750
01:11:16,720 --> 01:11:18,400
Speaker 1: say they're going with the flow, what they're really saying

1751
01:11:18,479 --> 01:11:19,320
Speaker 1: is like, I'm not going to commit.

1752
01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:23,479
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, you were dating someone. This has happened too

1753
01:11:23,479 --> 01:11:26,800
Speaker 2: many people. I know you were dating someone who said

1754
01:11:26,800 --> 01:11:29,160
Speaker 2: they weren't ready, and six months later they're in a

1755
01:11:29,200 --> 01:11:33,000
Speaker 2: full relationship with someone else. How do you stop internalizing

1756
01:11:33,080 --> 01:11:34,000
Speaker 2: that I wasn't enough.

1757
01:11:34,960 --> 01:11:37,120
Speaker 1: That's projection, because then what's happening is we're putting our

1758
01:11:37,120 --> 01:11:38,920
Speaker 1: core beliefs. What we have to look and say is

1759
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:41,599
Speaker 1: maybe they found a partner that was better suited for them.

1760
01:11:41,720 --> 01:11:44,160
Speaker 1: Maybe that person didn't trigger the nervous system. Maybe that

1761
01:11:44,160 --> 01:11:46,880
Speaker 1: person was a safer experience. Maybe you were really like

1762
01:11:46,920 --> 01:11:48,880
Speaker 1: their dad growing up and that just made them and

1763
01:11:48,960 --> 01:11:51,439
Speaker 1: rubbed them the wrong way. Maybe you guys had completely

1764
01:11:51,479 --> 01:11:53,880
Speaker 1: opposing political beliefs. What we have to do is we

1765
01:11:53,920 --> 01:11:55,639
Speaker 1: have to look and say, what are the facts? Because

1766
01:11:55,640 --> 01:11:57,760
Speaker 1: if I say I wasn't enough, I'm not good enough,

1767
01:11:57,800 --> 01:11:59,760
Speaker 1: I could all but guarantee if I talked to the

1768
01:11:59,760 --> 01:12:01,680
Speaker 1: other person, they would say, oh, this is nothing to

1769
01:12:01,680 --> 01:12:03,519
Speaker 1: do with that. It's X, Y, and Z. So what

1770
01:12:03,600 --> 01:12:04,960
Speaker 1: I do is what are the facts to back this

1771
01:12:05,040 --> 01:12:06,800
Speaker 1: thought up? And if I don't have any, okay, then

1772
01:12:06,840 --> 01:12:09,360
Speaker 1: where did I learn this from? Because if it's my insecurity,

1773
01:12:09,439 --> 01:12:11,200
Speaker 1: that's what's really coming up. It has nothing to do

1774
01:12:11,280 --> 01:12:11,599
Speaker 1: with them.

1775
01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:16,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, your state story strategy piece applies to all of this,

1776
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:20,200
Speaker 2: because yeah, we start going so even if we look

1777
01:12:20,240 --> 01:12:21,880
Speaker 2: for the facts, and most people can't think of facts

1778
01:12:21,960 --> 01:12:26,520
Speaker 2: because the hard part about relationships is that everything's so subjective.

1779
01:12:26,520 --> 01:12:28,519
Speaker 2: So you just go to, oh, maybe if I didn't

1780
01:12:28,520 --> 01:12:31,439
Speaker 2: ask for so much, Maybe if I wasn't always needing

1781
01:12:31,479 --> 01:12:33,559
Speaker 2: so much. Maybe if I didn't always then then they'd

1782
01:12:33,600 --> 01:12:36,479
Speaker 2: still be here. And what you're really just saying is

1783
01:12:36,720 --> 01:12:39,599
Speaker 2: I'm not comfortable with what my actual needs are because

1784
01:12:39,600 --> 01:12:41,240
Speaker 2: you asked for them in the past because you believed

1785
01:12:41,280 --> 01:12:44,280
Speaker 2: you deserve them, and now you're questioning whether you deserve

1786
01:12:44,320 --> 01:12:45,920
Speaker 2: them again, And so it's coming from a place of

1787
01:12:45,960 --> 01:12:50,080
Speaker 2: you feeling you don't deserve those things, when the reality is,

1788
01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:51,760
Speaker 2: even if you got back with them, you'd still want

1789
01:12:51,760 --> 01:12:53,920
Speaker 2: those things in three months time, nothing change. Even if

1790
01:12:53,960 --> 01:12:55,400
Speaker 2: you got them back, nothing changed.

1791
01:12:55,200 --> 01:12:58,000
Speaker 1: Nothing changed. But it's really important when we're talking about this.

1792
01:12:58,000 --> 01:13:00,160
Speaker 1: That's why it's like, if you're scared to add ask

1793
01:13:00,200 --> 01:13:02,120
Speaker 1: for your needs to be met and have this conversation,

1794
01:13:02,240 --> 01:13:04,080
Speaker 1: then what we're seeing is that person probably doesn't have

1795
01:13:04,080 --> 01:13:05,760
Speaker 1: the bandwidth to begin with, and maybe they do when

1796
01:13:05,760 --> 01:13:08,040
Speaker 1: they just haven't had the conversation with them. But if

1797
01:13:08,080 --> 01:13:09,920
Speaker 1: we're going to look back and say they have something

1798
01:13:10,000 --> 01:13:12,280
Speaker 1: I don't, well, then all we're doing is we're projecting

1799
01:13:12,280 --> 01:13:14,439
Speaker 1: our insecurities. So that has nothing to do with the person.

1800
01:13:14,479 --> 01:13:15,880
Speaker 1: It has everything to do with the story that you

1801
01:13:15,920 --> 01:13:18,639
Speaker 1: created about why they didn't want you. The good news

1802
01:13:18,720 --> 01:13:19,559
Speaker 1: is you can control that.

1803
01:13:36,280 --> 01:13:38,760
Speaker 2: You've brought a bandwidth so many times in this conversation

1804
01:13:38,840 --> 01:13:41,479
Speaker 2: and capacity, and I think it's such an interesting point

1805
01:13:41,560 --> 01:13:47,679
Speaker 2: because our black and white thinking goes to, if they

1806
01:13:47,720 --> 01:13:49,400
Speaker 2: don't want to do this for me, that means they

1807
01:13:49,400 --> 01:13:51,639
Speaker 2: don't love me enough or don't care about me enough.

1808
01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:53,880
Speaker 2: And what you're saying is someone could care, or could love,

1809
01:13:54,000 --> 01:13:56,240
Speaker 2: or could have certain feelings, but they may not have

1810
01:13:56,320 --> 01:14:00,599
Speaker 2: the bandwidth, whether that's emotional capacity or time, more energy,

1811
01:14:00,680 --> 01:14:04,080
Speaker 2: or whatever it may be. But on mind goes to, well, no,

1812
01:14:04,320 --> 01:14:06,160
Speaker 2: that's a sign that you don't love me, because the

1813
01:14:06,200 --> 01:14:09,439
Speaker 2: right person would have the bandwidth, which in effect is true.

1814
01:14:09,560 --> 01:14:10,960
Speaker 2: The right person will have the bandwidth.

1815
01:14:11,000 --> 01:14:12,840
Speaker 1: The right person will for sure, but it doesn't mean

1816
01:14:12,880 --> 01:14:14,919
Speaker 1: that they don't care about you. And that's the nuance.

1817
01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,439
Speaker 1: I think what I really learned what healing was Healing

1818
01:14:17,439 --> 01:14:19,320
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you get rid of the emotions. Healing doesn't

1819
01:14:19,320 --> 01:14:21,639
Speaker 1: mean that you just never feel sad or anxious or anything.

1820
01:14:21,680 --> 01:14:23,000
Speaker 1: What it means is that you learn to live with it.

1821
01:14:23,160 --> 01:14:25,200
Speaker 1: You expand that window of tolerance so you have the

1822
01:14:25,240 --> 01:14:28,000
Speaker 1: capacity to handle it. So it's not every single time

1823
01:14:28,000 --> 01:14:30,519
Speaker 1: there's an inconvenience you're getting either you're freaking out or

1824
01:14:30,560 --> 01:14:32,680
Speaker 1: you're crying or you're shutting down. It's like, okay, well,

1825
01:14:32,680 --> 01:14:35,080
Speaker 1: then that we don't have the emotional capacity to be

1826
01:14:35,120 --> 01:14:37,599
Speaker 1: able to hold things. But that's also part of holding

1827
01:14:37,640 --> 01:14:40,040
Speaker 1: two conflicting thoughts. I can miss someone and also know

1828
01:14:40,080 --> 01:14:41,960
Speaker 1: they're not right for me. I can think you're amazing

1829
01:14:42,040 --> 01:14:44,080
Speaker 1: and also say this isn't the right relationship for me.

1830
01:14:44,360 --> 01:14:46,200
Speaker 1: I can say that you're limited and also say, but

1831
01:14:46,240 --> 01:14:48,040
Speaker 1: I think that we can make it through. If we

1832
01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:50,599
Speaker 1: can hold the two conflicting thoughts, then what we're actually

1833
01:14:50,600 --> 01:14:53,400
Speaker 1: doing is we're turning our prefrontal cortex on. And oftentimes

1834
01:14:53,400 --> 01:14:55,840
Speaker 1: in dating, when we go from X equals Y equals z,

1835
01:14:56,479 --> 01:14:58,880
Speaker 1: that's because your brain is trying to actually close the

1836
01:14:58,920 --> 01:15:01,640
Speaker 1: loop by a shortcut. And it's like, I love neuroscience.

1837
01:15:01,680 --> 01:15:04,360
Speaker 1: I think it's fascinating. The more we repeat something, the

1838
01:15:04,400 --> 01:15:08,400
Speaker 1: deeper those neural pathways become. And I found out something fascinating.

1839
01:15:08,840 --> 01:15:11,519
Speaker 1: It takes three hundred repetitions for your body to remember

1840
01:15:11,560 --> 01:15:13,519
Speaker 1: a moove, So I need to do squats three hundred

1841
01:15:13,520 --> 01:15:14,960
Speaker 1: times for my body to go, Okay, this.

1842
01:15:14,960 --> 01:15:15,559
Speaker 2: Is what I have to do.

1843
01:15:15,920 --> 01:15:18,559
Speaker 1: It takes three thousand repetitions to create a new neural

1844
01:15:18,600 --> 01:15:20,800
Speaker 1: pathway that you would go down organically.

1845
01:15:21,120 --> 01:15:24,200
Speaker 2: Why I didn't know that that's a lot. That's cool.

1846
01:15:24,280 --> 01:15:26,920
Speaker 1: So let this be two nine hundred and ninety nine

1847
01:15:27,280 --> 01:15:30,759
Speaker 1: left to go of I deserve, I'm worthy. I believe

1848
01:15:30,800 --> 01:15:33,200
Speaker 1: in myself even if you don't. But we got to

1849
01:15:33,240 --> 01:15:35,920
Speaker 1: start somewhere by creating these new neural pathways to be

1850
01:15:35,960 --> 01:15:38,720
Speaker 1: able to hold that space and capacity. Otherwise you're just

1851
01:15:38,760 --> 01:15:41,480
Speaker 1: going to keep going. This means this and that myopic

1852
01:15:41,520 --> 01:15:43,880
Speaker 1: black and white. The other fun fact I learned.

1853
01:15:43,680 --> 01:15:44,439
Speaker 2: That's so good.

1854
01:15:44,520 --> 01:15:46,920
Speaker 1: I love neuroscience. The other fun fact I learned is

1855
01:15:47,200 --> 01:15:49,479
Speaker 1: when we get triggered and just regulated, you're amygdala, it

1856
01:15:49,520 --> 01:15:52,200
Speaker 1: takes about ten milliseconds to turn on. It's almost instant.

1857
01:15:52,439 --> 01:15:55,679
Speaker 1: Your prefrontal cortex takes ten times longer, so two hundred

1858
01:15:55,680 --> 01:15:58,000
Speaker 1: and thirty five milliseconds to turn on into the second.

1859
01:15:58,600 --> 01:16:00,800
Speaker 1: That's why people will go straight. They don't like me,

1860
01:16:00,920 --> 01:16:03,120
Speaker 1: they don't want me. They don't do this to your point.

1861
01:16:03,160 --> 01:16:05,160
Speaker 1: For us to turn the prefrontal cortex on and go,

1862
01:16:05,280 --> 01:16:08,120
Speaker 1: what are my facts? Can I challenge this? That requires

1863
01:16:08,120 --> 01:16:10,559
Speaker 1: a lot of work, so most people go no energy,

1864
01:16:10,600 --> 01:16:13,040
Speaker 1: save this happened. This means this. Your brain is a

1865
01:16:13,080 --> 01:16:15,280
Speaker 1: predictive machine. It wants to keep you safe. It's not

1866
01:16:15,320 --> 01:16:17,920
Speaker 1: trying to help you grow we have to rink the system.

1867
01:16:18,040 --> 01:16:20,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, wow, I love this. I've never had either of

1868
01:16:20,960 --> 01:16:24,880
Speaker 2: those and that's so helpful, and only a need to

1869
01:16:24,880 --> 01:16:27,280
Speaker 2: practice more repetition. And it's interesting you said that. It's

1870
01:16:27,760 --> 01:16:30,600
Speaker 2: you said you need three thousand neural repetitions, and I

1871
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:32,920
Speaker 2: was thinking three thousand means if you did something once

1872
01:16:33,400 --> 01:16:36,519
Speaker 2: a day per year, that would take ten years to change.

1873
01:16:36,560 --> 01:16:39,799
Speaker 2: And that's why it makes sense that so many real

1874
01:16:39,880 --> 01:16:43,080
Speaker 2: changes take so much longer than like thirty days and

1875
01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:45,840
Speaker 2: ninety days. And it's like, unless unless you were saying

1876
01:16:45,840 --> 01:16:48,840
Speaker 2: it to yourself a thousand times a day, which is right, unlikely, and.

1877
01:16:48,800 --> 01:16:50,760
Speaker 1: It's unlikely you'll believe it because your nervous system is

1878
01:16:50,760 --> 01:16:53,120
Speaker 1: like you're gaslighting me. That's not real. So we have

1879
01:16:53,200 --> 01:16:55,760
Speaker 1: to push through that. Like it's very uncomfortable doing the work.

1880
01:16:55,760 --> 01:16:57,360
Speaker 1: That's why most people don't want to do it. But

1881
01:16:57,439 --> 01:16:59,599
Speaker 1: if you're here, because you are, just know that there

1882
01:16:59,640 --> 01:17:01,760
Speaker 1: are a people that are, you don't need to have

1883
01:17:01,840 --> 01:17:04,120
Speaker 1: the you don't need to have the bandwidthin capacity if

1884
01:17:04,120 --> 01:17:04,759
Speaker 1: somebody isn't.

1885
01:17:05,000 --> 01:17:08,479
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, all right, last scenario before we do a

1886
01:17:08,520 --> 01:17:11,240
Speaker 2: little rapid fire. So the last scenario is you're dating

1887
01:17:11,240 --> 01:17:14,519
Speaker 2: someone who avoids conflict or shuts down when things get tough.

1888
01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:17,559
Speaker 2: How do you determine whether that's workable or a long

1889
01:17:17,640 --> 01:17:18,960
Speaker 2: term incompatibility.

1890
01:17:19,400 --> 01:17:21,120
Speaker 1: It's having the conversation with them of what are they

1891
01:17:21,120 --> 01:17:23,639
Speaker 1: going to do about it? That's a really reality because

1892
01:17:23,760 --> 01:17:26,479
Speaker 1: if somebody is consistently shutting down, they don't have that

1893
01:17:26,640 --> 01:17:29,439
Speaker 1: there's their rupture, but there's no repair. Well, then we

1894
01:17:29,520 --> 01:17:31,280
Speaker 1: have to say, in first ball and seat, do they

1895
01:17:31,360 --> 01:17:34,120
Speaker 1: take accountability of that? Are they trying to do anything

1896
01:17:34,160 --> 01:17:35,880
Speaker 1: about that? Or are they saying, well, that's who I

1897
01:17:35,920 --> 01:17:38,639
Speaker 1: am and this is it? Because you can absolutely work

1898
01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:41,160
Speaker 1: through that. Maybe they didn't. Maybe they learned it in childhood.

1899
01:17:41,160 --> 01:17:44,000
Speaker 1: That confrontation means that they're bad until they shut down,

1900
01:17:44,320 --> 01:17:46,320
Speaker 1: and maybe that means that. So that means that they

1901
01:17:46,360 --> 01:17:48,000
Speaker 1: need to go to therapy. They need to understand what

1902
01:17:48,040 --> 01:17:49,280
Speaker 1: came up for them. They have to learn how to

1903
01:17:49,280 --> 01:17:51,760
Speaker 1: be present. I think what we need to learn is

1904
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:53,880
Speaker 1: we have to look and see if I show up

1905
01:17:53,880 --> 01:17:56,120
Speaker 1: as me, how are they showing up as them? And

1906
01:17:56,200 --> 01:17:58,240
Speaker 1: does that work for me? Because for a lot of people,

1907
01:17:58,439 --> 01:18:00,880
Speaker 1: they're used to being abandoned, to having people go, well,

1908
01:18:00,920 --> 01:18:02,400
Speaker 1: you don't do what I want and I'm out, But

1909
01:18:02,439 --> 01:18:04,120
Speaker 1: maybe they're not used to someone that says, well, I'm

1910
01:18:04,120 --> 01:18:05,640
Speaker 1: here by your side, and if you're willing to do

1911
01:18:05,640 --> 01:18:07,479
Speaker 1: the work, I'll walk the journey with you. And I

1912
01:18:07,479 --> 01:18:09,479
Speaker 1: think that's a really beautiful place to be in growth

1913
01:18:09,520 --> 01:18:11,800
Speaker 1: and expansion. But two people have to be doing that.

1914
01:18:11,960 --> 01:18:14,599
Speaker 1: And if one person is going to gaslight, deflect, shut down,

1915
01:18:14,800 --> 01:18:17,080
Speaker 1: walk out, do this and go well, no, I'm not

1916
01:18:17,120 --> 01:18:18,920
Speaker 1: going to talk about it, I don't know what you're

1917
01:18:18,960 --> 01:18:19,960
Speaker 1: hoping is going to change.

1918
01:18:20,200 --> 01:18:24,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting how we just forget the word

1919
01:18:24,960 --> 01:18:28,599
Speaker 2: mutual like it exists for a reason. It's like all

1920
01:18:28,600 --> 01:18:32,040
Speaker 2: good relationships are mutual. We have mutual understanding, we have

1921
01:18:32,120 --> 01:18:36,800
Speaker 2: mutual respect, we have mutual awareness. The word mutual makes

1922
01:18:36,800 --> 01:18:39,320
Speaker 2: everything so simple. And whenever I'm trying to figure out

1923
01:18:39,320 --> 01:18:41,439
Speaker 2: whether I should invest in a relationship with someone or

1924
01:18:41,479 --> 01:18:44,040
Speaker 2: engage with it or where we stand, it's just whether

1925
01:18:44,080 --> 01:18:48,519
Speaker 2: it's mutual or not, and that over time is much

1926
01:18:48,560 --> 01:18:52,200
Speaker 2: more evident. Clearly it may not be in the beginning

1927
01:18:52,240 --> 01:18:54,680
Speaker 2: for sure, but over time you get really clear on

1928
01:18:54,760 --> 01:18:57,920
Speaker 2: whether there's a mutual level of desire to invest and

1929
01:18:57,920 --> 01:18:58,719
Speaker 2: connect and build.

1930
01:18:58,880 --> 01:19:00,559
Speaker 1: That's why as you do the work, circle a bit

1931
01:19:00,560 --> 01:19:03,200
Speaker 1: smaller because you start to realize you're here because I benefit,

1932
01:19:03,400 --> 01:19:05,679
Speaker 1: You're here because you need something, You're here because you're bored.

1933
01:19:05,920 --> 01:19:08,400
Speaker 1: You're here for whatever the reasons are. And that's why

1934
01:19:08,439 --> 01:19:11,800
Speaker 1: grief is so large, because if I don't grieve the

1935
01:19:11,920 --> 01:19:13,800
Speaker 1: ending of things, then I'm not going to people to

1936
01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:16,760
Speaker 1: also create new If we just constantly try to hold

1937
01:19:16,760 --> 01:19:18,920
Speaker 1: onto somebody all of our lives and say I'm only

1938
01:19:18,920 --> 01:19:21,120
Speaker 1: okay if I have them, you're never going to actually

1939
01:19:21,160 --> 01:19:23,120
Speaker 1: be able to grow anything else because you're keeping just

1940
01:19:23,160 --> 01:19:25,320
Speaker 1: that plot of land. And even if the flowers are dying.

1941
01:19:25,560 --> 01:19:27,760
Speaker 1: I always use the example if a house burns down,

1942
01:19:27,760 --> 01:19:29,880
Speaker 1: you can't rebuild it with the ashes. You have to

1943
01:19:29,920 --> 01:19:32,400
Speaker 1: be the phoenix that rises and rebuild it with something

1944
01:19:32,400 --> 01:19:34,800
Speaker 1: more solid and more concrete. And it's okay to let

1945
01:19:34,840 --> 01:19:36,040
Speaker 1: it come crashing down.

1946
01:19:36,400 --> 01:19:38,920
Speaker 2: You get to choose, Sabrina, we're going to end with

1947
01:19:38,960 --> 01:19:41,360
Speaker 2: this rapid fire. So these have to be answered in

1948
01:19:41,439 --> 01:19:45,160
Speaker 2: one sentence. Maximum. These are a list of some popular cliches.

1949
01:19:45,200 --> 01:19:46,800
Speaker 2: Some of it you've mentioned already, but we do them

1950
01:19:46,840 --> 01:19:50,160
Speaker 2: again some of them, and so I want your first

1951
01:19:50,320 --> 01:19:53,600
Speaker 2: response and take to these. Do you believe if he

1952
01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:54,760
Speaker 2: wanted to, he would.

1953
01:19:54,520 --> 01:19:57,080
Speaker 1: Got I hate that saying it is my epic. It

1954
01:19:57,240 --> 01:20:01,160
Speaker 1: is not understanding human relationships and it is keeping people

1955
01:20:01,280 --> 01:20:03,320
Speaker 1: single longer than they need to be, want and do

1956
01:20:03,560 --> 01:20:05,800
Speaker 1: or two different parts of the brain instead of projecting

1957
01:20:05,800 --> 01:20:07,800
Speaker 1: onto them. Because I'll say this, if you wanted to,

1958
01:20:07,960 --> 01:20:09,559
Speaker 1: you would will move on and you're not. So it

1959
01:20:09,600 --> 01:20:10,000
Speaker 1: takes two.

1960
01:20:11,560 --> 01:20:16,360
Speaker 2: Okay, second cliche, So do you agree with there's no

1961
01:20:16,479 --> 01:20:17,400
Speaker 2: good men out there?

1962
01:20:17,840 --> 01:20:20,320
Speaker 1: That is the salience network at play, and the salience network.

1963
01:20:20,320 --> 01:20:21,800
Speaker 1: If I went outside and looked for a green car,

1964
01:20:21,840 --> 01:20:23,280
Speaker 1: all I'm going to see is that if you don't

1965
01:20:23,320 --> 01:20:25,080
Speaker 1: believe that there are good men, then I could say

1966
01:20:25,080 --> 01:20:27,160
Speaker 1: there's also not good women or not good things. There

1967
01:20:27,160 --> 01:20:29,360
Speaker 1: are amazing people, but if you're not finding them, then

1968
01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:31,320
Speaker 1: we need to start to change the state, the story

1969
01:20:31,320 --> 01:20:33,280
Speaker 1: and the strategy so that you can have different people

1970
01:20:33,439 --> 01:20:35,400
Speaker 1: enter your life and you can allow different people in

1971
01:20:35,439 --> 01:20:35,960
Speaker 1: your life.

1972
01:20:36,240 --> 01:20:39,640
Speaker 2: I agree, one hundred percent agree. The frequency illusion is

1973
01:20:39,760 --> 01:20:42,719
Speaker 2: one of my favorite ideas and how the brain works,

1974
01:20:42,720 --> 01:20:45,919
Speaker 2: and it's fascinating to me how we think. It's positive

1975
01:20:45,920 --> 01:20:49,559
Speaker 2: and negative thinking and it's just noticing. It's just the

1976
01:20:49,600 --> 01:20:51,599
Speaker 2: ability to notice. And if you only think there's bad

1977
01:20:51,640 --> 01:20:54,519
Speaker 2: men out there. You will notice every bad guy out there,

1978
01:20:54,520 --> 01:20:57,920
Speaker 2: and you will forget because your brain has selective attention

1979
01:20:58,520 --> 01:21:00,320
Speaker 2: and can only focus on a few things at the

1980
01:21:00,320 --> 01:21:02,599
Speaker 2: same time, and it will ignore the person who opened

1981
01:21:02,640 --> 01:21:05,040
Speaker 2: the door, It will ignore the person who said thank you,

1982
01:21:04,840 --> 01:21:08,639
Speaker 2: and ignore the person who smiled because you're focused on

1983
01:21:08,920 --> 01:21:11,799
Speaker 2: all the bad guys out there or bad people. Okay,

1984
01:21:11,960 --> 01:21:14,720
Speaker 2: agree or disagree when you know you know.

1985
01:21:15,439 --> 01:21:17,519
Speaker 1: I will disagree. And the only reason I say that

1986
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:19,559
Speaker 1: is I think for some people one hundred percent when

1987
01:21:19,600 --> 01:21:21,400
Speaker 1: they know, and for other people it's a bit longer

1988
01:21:21,439 --> 01:21:23,280
Speaker 1: for a journey because some people need time to open

1989
01:21:23,360 --> 01:21:24,800
Speaker 1: up and it might take a minute for you to

1990
01:21:24,800 --> 01:21:27,160
Speaker 1: be able to explore that. But I think when you

1991
01:21:27,240 --> 01:21:29,080
Speaker 1: know that you don't want that, please listen to that.

1992
01:21:29,160 --> 01:21:30,720
Speaker 1: When you know that you do, please listen to it.

1993
01:21:30,760 --> 01:21:32,880
Speaker 1: But I don't necessarily think everyone has the same journey.

1994
01:21:33,080 --> 01:21:35,599
Speaker 2: Agree or disagree. Once a cheeta, always a cheat.

1995
01:21:35,600 --> 01:21:38,040
Speaker 1: To completely disagree, I think people can grow and evolve.

1996
01:21:38,120 --> 01:21:40,320
Speaker 1: I think once a cheater, if you don't take accountability,

1997
01:21:40,320 --> 01:21:42,439
Speaker 1: you will continue to cheat because we need to understand

1998
01:21:42,479 --> 01:21:43,680
Speaker 1: what led you to do that to begin with.

1999
01:21:44,000 --> 01:21:45,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think so much of that is also

2000
01:21:46,600 --> 01:21:50,080
Speaker 2: you as the individual. Like, if you believe that someone's

2001
01:21:50,080 --> 01:21:52,760
Speaker 2: a cheata and will always be a cheata and you

2002
01:21:52,800 --> 01:21:55,760
Speaker 2: can't get over that, then that relationship naturally will't work.

2003
01:21:55,760 --> 01:21:58,640
Speaker 2: And you're fully entitled to that because you've been through it,

2004
01:21:58,680 --> 01:22:00,680
Speaker 2: and you've been through the pain and the hurt, and

2005
01:22:00,720 --> 01:22:02,559
Speaker 2: so you don't need to lie to yourself. I think

2006
01:22:02,600 --> 01:22:05,639
Speaker 2: that's the problem with that. That's where that becomes a challenge,

2007
01:22:05,640 --> 01:22:08,120
Speaker 2: where you start saying to yourself, that's how I really feel, like,

2008
01:22:08,160 --> 01:22:10,320
Speaker 2: I don't think i'll ever trust this person again, but

2009
01:22:10,439 --> 01:22:12,000
Speaker 2: I think the right thing to do is give them

2010
01:22:12,000 --> 01:22:15,480
Speaker 2: another chance. And then that gets complicated.

2011
01:22:15,560 --> 01:22:17,320
Speaker 1: If you're going to give somebody another chance after they

2012
01:22:17,360 --> 01:22:19,240
Speaker 1: cheated on you, you have got to make the commitment

2013
01:22:19,280 --> 01:22:21,240
Speaker 1: that you're going to move on, because it's not fear

2014
01:22:21,320 --> 01:22:23,479
Speaker 1: to hold it over their head every time they do

2015
01:22:23,520 --> 01:22:26,240
Speaker 1: something you don't believe them. You're checking their phone, you're

2016
01:22:26,280 --> 01:22:28,920
Speaker 1: seeing where their location is. If you don't have trust

2017
01:22:28,920 --> 01:22:31,519
Speaker 1: in your relationship, and that's okay. If they broke that trust,

2018
01:22:31,560 --> 01:22:33,720
Speaker 1: you don't have to give it back. But if you're

2019
01:22:33,800 --> 01:22:36,040
Speaker 1: making the choice to stay in the commitment, then please

2020
01:22:36,080 --> 01:22:38,000
Speaker 1: make the choice together that you're staying in the commitment.

2021
01:22:38,160 --> 01:22:39,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think that's the challenge for that person

2022
01:22:39,960 --> 01:22:42,840
Speaker 2: because you're so conflicted. It's so hard to go through

2023
01:22:42,840 --> 01:22:45,240
Speaker 2: in fidelity because you're thinking, well, I do love them,

2024
01:22:45,560 --> 01:22:47,639
Speaker 2: and I do believe them, and I know who they are,

2025
01:22:47,680 --> 01:22:52,040
Speaker 2: and then at the same time there's this massive, you know,

2026
01:22:52,160 --> 01:22:58,040
Speaker 2: lack of loyalty and you know, a breaking of your

2027
01:22:58,880 --> 01:23:02,759
Speaker 2: trust and everything else that it's it's hard to recommit.

2028
01:23:02,800 --> 01:23:04,479
Speaker 2: But yes, you're right if you are going to then

2029
01:23:04,520 --> 01:23:08,080
Speaker 2: go all in. Agree or disagree. Men are intimidated by

2030
01:23:08,080 --> 01:23:08,679
Speaker 2: strong women.

2031
01:23:08,920 --> 01:23:11,599
Speaker 1: I will disagree. I think there are some men that are,

2032
01:23:11,720 --> 01:23:13,280
Speaker 1: and then there are men like my partner that find

2033
01:23:13,360 --> 01:23:15,920
Speaker 1: strong women to be sexy because he was raised by them.

2034
01:23:16,160 --> 01:23:17,800
Speaker 1: So I think we need to stop keeping it as

2035
01:23:17,840 --> 01:23:20,400
Speaker 1: if everybody is one thing and start to understand that

2036
01:23:20,800 --> 01:23:23,080
Speaker 1: one person's lived experience is not everybody else's.

2037
01:23:23,240 --> 01:23:26,760
Speaker 2: M h okay, A couple more agree or disagree. If

2038
01:23:26,800 --> 01:23:28,960
Speaker 2: it's not a hell yes, it's a no again.

2039
01:23:29,040 --> 01:23:31,439
Speaker 1: I disagree because it's back to it has to be

2040
01:23:31,479 --> 01:23:34,080
Speaker 1: good or this. I'll be honest. It took me six

2041
01:23:34,120 --> 01:23:35,560
Speaker 1: months to be a yes with my partner, and he

2042
01:23:35,680 --> 01:23:38,360
Speaker 1: was a hell yes, month one, It's okay to take time.

2043
01:23:38,640 --> 01:23:40,479
Speaker 1: What I will say is if it doesn't get to

2044
01:23:40,520 --> 01:23:42,639
Speaker 1: a hell yes, then please take it as a now.

2045
01:23:43,520 --> 01:23:46,640
Speaker 2: Okay, agree or disagree. You'll meet someone when you stop.

2046
01:23:46,400 --> 01:23:48,680
Speaker 1: Looking that I actually agree. And here's what I mean

2047
01:23:48,720 --> 01:23:49,360
Speaker 1: by that interest.

2048
01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,880
Speaker 2: I don't think you were going to go there all right?

2049
01:23:51,040 --> 01:23:53,240
Speaker 1: No, No, let me tell you why. The reason I

2050
01:23:53,280 --> 01:23:55,479
Speaker 1: think it'll happen it's not when it happens when you

2051
01:23:55,560 --> 01:23:57,680
Speaker 1: least expect it. It happens when you release control to

2052
01:23:57,720 --> 01:24:00,080
Speaker 1: the outcome and you surrender. That's when I believe it

2053
01:24:00,120 --> 01:24:03,000
Speaker 1: will when you least expect it is kind of saying, oh,

2054
01:24:03,040 --> 01:24:05,800
Speaker 1: I was at the grocery store. There they were. I

2055
01:24:05,800 --> 01:24:08,479
Speaker 1: don't think it's that accidental. But I do believe that

2056
01:24:08,479 --> 01:24:10,439
Speaker 1: when you control, release control of the outcome, and you

2057
01:24:10,439 --> 01:24:12,080
Speaker 1: show up saying well, if this works out, cool and

2058
01:24:12,120 --> 01:24:15,000
Speaker 1: if not not, you have a higher propensity for it

2059
01:24:15,040 --> 01:24:17,439
Speaker 1: to work out because you're not trying to make something

2060
01:24:17,479 --> 01:24:19,680
Speaker 1: it's not. And that's to me, the biggest difference. When

2061
01:24:19,720 --> 01:24:21,439
Speaker 1: I see people, one person that's moved on after a

2062
01:24:21,479 --> 01:24:23,599
Speaker 1: breakup and the other one's stuck on it, it's because

2063
01:24:23,640 --> 01:24:25,720
Speaker 1: the person that's moved on, has acknowledged what it was,

2064
01:24:25,960 --> 01:24:28,719
Speaker 1: and they're not trying to create something it wasn't versus

2065
01:24:28,760 --> 01:24:31,000
Speaker 1: the other person that's holding onto this fantasy and narrative

2066
01:24:31,080 --> 01:24:34,519
Speaker 1: that very clearly didn't exist. So I think there's nuance

2067
01:24:34,600 --> 01:24:36,719
Speaker 1: to it. But I do believe that when you release

2068
01:24:36,800 --> 01:24:38,360
Speaker 1: control and say hey, if I'm gonna go out and

2069
01:24:38,360 --> 01:24:40,760
Speaker 1: if it doesn't work out, that's okay, that more than

2070
01:24:40,760 --> 01:24:42,519
Speaker 1: when you least expect it, because then that means you're

2071
01:24:42,520 --> 01:24:44,280
Speaker 1: not being intentional and you're not putting in the energy.

2072
01:24:44,400 --> 01:24:46,559
Speaker 2: That's a great recalibration. Because I was going to challenge

2073
01:24:46,600 --> 01:24:52,400
Speaker 2: you on that, but your recalibration is effective, and I

2074
01:24:52,439 --> 01:24:53,560
Speaker 2: agree with that version of it.

2075
01:24:53,640 --> 01:24:54,360
Speaker 1: These nuts.

2076
01:24:54,600 --> 01:24:57,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, the nuance, The nuance works because yeah, when I

2077
01:24:57,160 --> 01:25:00,000
Speaker 2: hear you'll meet someone, you stop looking, I'm like, all right, well,

2078
01:25:00,040 --> 01:25:02,759
Speaker 2: if you stop looking, then you're never going to meet someone.

2079
01:25:03,040 --> 01:25:06,599
Speaker 2: But your point of let me actually go out there,

2080
01:25:06,720 --> 01:25:09,720
Speaker 2: be myself, not put pressure on this, allow it to

2081
01:25:09,760 --> 01:25:13,160
Speaker 2: be what it is that potentially is going to be

2082
01:25:13,160 --> 01:25:16,400
Speaker 2: better for you and reveal more of that person than yourself.

2083
01:25:16,160 --> 01:25:18,200
Speaker 1: Especially when you go out, like I remember my days,

2084
01:25:18,320 --> 01:25:20,240
Speaker 1: you go out to a club or club Hulu. What

2085
01:25:20,240 --> 01:25:22,439
Speaker 1: am I twenty? You go out to something and you're

2086
01:25:22,520 --> 01:25:24,920
Speaker 1: the whole place. You're turning every stone. Are they single?

2087
01:25:24,960 --> 01:25:27,680
Speaker 1: Are they single? Are they single? That's the pressure that

2088
01:25:27,720 --> 01:25:30,360
Speaker 1: we got to release, so the least expected. You know

2089
01:25:30,360 --> 01:25:32,680
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, But it's more about if I can

2090
01:25:32,720 --> 01:25:35,000
Speaker 1: go out and just enjoy and be present. You never

2091
01:25:35,040 --> 01:25:37,400
Speaker 1: know who you'll meet, and it might not be obvious.

2092
01:25:37,439 --> 01:25:38,920
Speaker 1: It could be I meant you who has a cousin

2093
01:25:38,960 --> 01:25:41,360
Speaker 1: who has a brother who's single, and somehow we connected,

2094
01:25:41,800 --> 01:25:43,560
Speaker 1: or you posted a friend in that person. That's what

2095
01:25:43,600 --> 01:25:45,439
Speaker 1: happened to my friend. Our friend posted a guy saying

2096
01:25:45,439 --> 01:25:47,680
Speaker 1: he's single and never been together for two years. It

2097
01:25:47,760 --> 01:25:51,040
Speaker 1: happens when we release that control and we say I'm

2098
01:25:51,080 --> 01:25:53,240
Speaker 1: showing up for me and I'm excited to see who.

2099
01:25:53,200 --> 01:25:55,960
Speaker 2: Else is here? Yes? All right? Last one? I agree

2100
01:25:56,040 --> 01:25:59,680
Speaker 2: or disagree. It should feel effortless with the right person.

2101
01:25:59,479 --> 01:26:02,360
Speaker 1: Wildly disagree. And what I stand is this, it shouldn't

2102
01:26:02,400 --> 01:26:05,600
Speaker 1: be a fight, but what doesn't take work. That's like

2103
01:26:05,640 --> 01:26:07,960
Speaker 1: saying starting a business should be effortless and just flow.

2104
01:26:08,400 --> 01:26:10,679
Speaker 1: You have so many issues. What I want to see

2105
01:26:10,720 --> 01:26:13,400
Speaker 1: is is there a flow? And are we going somewhere

2106
01:26:13,439 --> 01:26:15,880
Speaker 1: as opposed to it should be effortless. And I think

2107
01:26:15,920 --> 01:26:18,360
Speaker 1: what happens is we lie to people by telling them

2108
01:26:18,360 --> 01:26:21,360
Speaker 1: that relationships should be easy and there should be no issues.

2109
01:26:21,400 --> 01:26:23,760
Speaker 1: Relationships are not easy. They take a lot of work,

2110
01:26:23,800 --> 01:26:25,640
Speaker 1: but they're also rewarding. And I look at as a

2111
01:26:25,680 --> 01:26:28,320
Speaker 1: bank account. Am I in the green grate keep going?

2112
01:26:28,360 --> 01:26:30,519
Speaker 1: If I'm in the red, my needs aren't mad, I'm

2113
01:26:30,560 --> 01:26:34,599
Speaker 1: constantly depleted. This isn't going anywhere. Well, then that's the issue.

2114
01:26:34,600 --> 01:26:36,719
Speaker 1: It's not that it should be easy, Sabrina.

2115
01:26:36,760 --> 01:26:38,840
Speaker 2: Is there anything that I didn't ask you that you

2116
01:26:38,880 --> 01:26:41,320
Speaker 2: wish I did, or anything that you wanted to share

2117
01:26:41,400 --> 01:26:43,519
Speaker 2: that I didn't give you an opportunity.

2118
01:26:43,040 --> 01:26:45,639
Speaker 1: To No, I think you did a pretty dang good job.

2119
01:26:45,960 --> 01:26:47,320
Speaker 1: I think just at the end of the day, for

2120
01:26:47,360 --> 01:26:50,840
Speaker 1: anybody that's listening, the main message here is not that

2121
01:26:50,920 --> 01:26:52,800
Speaker 1: you're never going to find anybody, or that you're never

2122
01:26:52,800 --> 01:26:54,200
Speaker 1: going to be happy, or it's going to take all

2123
01:26:54,240 --> 01:26:56,120
Speaker 1: of this work. But it's really about when you come

2124
01:26:56,160 --> 01:26:59,280
Speaker 1: back home to yourself, then you can show up differently.

2125
01:26:59,479 --> 01:27:01,760
Speaker 1: And the world needs more light and we have so

2126
01:27:01,840 --> 01:27:04,639
Speaker 1: many people. Everyone's trying to dim somebody else's or turn

2127
01:27:04,720 --> 01:27:06,800
Speaker 1: someone else's on. But I need to make sure that

2128
01:27:06,880 --> 01:27:08,760
Speaker 1: my light is shining as bright as it can so

2129
01:27:08,840 --> 01:27:11,000
Speaker 1: that I can welcome everybody in so that they also

2130
01:27:11,040 --> 01:27:13,639
Speaker 1: feel seen. And I really hope that people could do that,

2131
01:27:13,960 --> 01:27:16,519
Speaker 1: to step into their power to know who they are

2132
01:27:16,560 --> 01:27:18,720
Speaker 1: and how amazing they are as a human being, and

2133
01:27:18,760 --> 01:27:21,519
Speaker 1: that anybody would be lucky to have the opportunity with them.

2134
01:27:21,600 --> 01:27:23,719
Speaker 1: And if you don't believe that, go back to square

2135
01:27:23,760 --> 01:27:26,080
Speaker 1: one and let's work on where you learn that from.

2136
01:27:26,360 --> 01:27:28,400
Speaker 2: So Brina, I'm going to personally send this episode to

2137
01:27:28,439 --> 01:27:30,640
Speaker 2: so many people. I usually put out on Instagram and

2138
01:27:30,680 --> 01:27:33,240
Speaker 2: YouTube and social media, but there's very few times where

2139
01:27:33,240 --> 01:27:34,800
Speaker 2: I'm like, this is the episode I'm going to be

2140
01:27:34,800 --> 01:27:37,519
Speaker 2: setting to so many people in my life because I

2141
01:27:37,560 --> 01:27:39,479
Speaker 2: think you're spot on with so many of these things.

2142
01:27:39,479 --> 01:27:41,240
Speaker 2: I feel like you speak to in a way that

2143
01:27:41,560 --> 01:27:44,200
Speaker 2: really goes to the root of what people are really

2144
01:27:44,200 --> 01:27:49,799
Speaker 2: struggling with and what's beneath all of this. And I genuinely, genuinely,

2145
01:27:49,840 --> 01:27:54,560
Speaker 2: genuinely appreciate your own vulnerability with your own story and background,

2146
01:27:54,600 --> 01:27:58,880
Speaker 2: because I do believe that people have avoided that or

2147
01:27:59,000 --> 01:28:01,400
Speaker 2: their memory is protect them from some of those things.

2148
01:28:01,840 --> 01:28:04,920
Speaker 2: Not realizing how much it's tripping them up today, and

2149
01:28:05,280 --> 01:28:07,360
Speaker 2: you going there gives them permission to go there. And

2150
01:28:07,439 --> 01:28:10,040
Speaker 2: so everyone has been listening and watching, whether you're walking

2151
01:28:10,040 --> 01:28:12,840
Speaker 2: your dog, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving to or

2152
01:28:12,880 --> 01:28:16,200
Speaker 2: from work. Please share this episode with a friend who's

2153
01:28:16,200 --> 01:28:19,200
Speaker 2: struggling with dating, who's maybe just been broken up with,

2154
01:28:19,600 --> 01:28:22,960
Speaker 2: or maybe he's just trying to figure out this confusing landscape,

2155
01:28:23,360 --> 01:28:25,880
Speaker 2: and share on TikTok and Instagram what resonated with you?

2156
01:28:25,920 --> 01:28:28,439
Speaker 2: Tag both me and Sabrina. We'd love to see what

2157
01:28:28,600 --> 01:28:31,160
Speaker 2: really connected with you. I love knowing what each and

2158
01:28:31,160 --> 01:28:33,200
Speaker 2: every one of you take away from these episodes. And

2159
01:28:33,240 --> 01:28:35,320
Speaker 2: if you don't already follow Sabrina, make sure you follow

2160
01:28:35,360 --> 01:28:38,320
Speaker 2: her across social media. I'll be tagging on all my platforms.

2161
01:28:38,840 --> 01:28:40,760
Speaker 2: Thank you for listening and watching, Sabrina. Thank you so

2162
01:28:40,880 --> 01:28:43,360
Speaker 2: much for all your insight, wisdom and work. And I

2163
01:28:43,360 --> 01:28:44,679
Speaker 2: can't wait to have you back on the show.

2164
01:28:44,880 --> 01:28:45,479
Speaker 1: Thank you, Jay.

2165
01:28:45,720 --> 01:28:49,000
Speaker 2: Likewise, thank you. If you love this episode, you're going

2166
01:28:49,040 --> 01:28:52,360
Speaker 2: to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to

2167
01:28:52,400 --> 01:28:56,160
Speaker 2: get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

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01:28:56,320 --> 01:29:00,600
Speaker 3: People should be compassionate to themselves that extend that compassion

2169
01:29:00,720 --> 01:29:04,760
Speaker 3: to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to

2170
01:29:04,800 --> 01:29:07,800
Speaker 3: your future self is doing something that gives him or

2171
01:29:07,840 --> 01:29:10,200
Speaker 3: her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.