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Speaker 1: What's up it slip Service. I'm Angela Yee, I'm g

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Speaker 1: G Maguire, I'm Laura Maura and I'm home with the Poet. Well,

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Speaker 1: first of all, thank you so much for coming on

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Speaker 1: the show. Thank you so much for having me. And

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Speaker 1: you know, the women are very excited about your book

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Speaker 1: because we got questions hopefully I got answered. You think

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Speaker 1: this was like the most personal book for you to

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Speaker 1: have written. I think as I got older, I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to realize that all the walls that you build as

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Speaker 1: a guy to protect yourself, it's not a fortress, it's

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Speaker 1: a prison. And for me and now I was like

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Speaker 1: every book I write is just trying to get rid

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Speaker 1: of that. And it's like it's therapeutic and it's so

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Speaker 1: inconvenient the same time because you get yourself more and

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Speaker 1: more sensitive and it makes it more difficult, like on

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Speaker 1: a day to day basis. But definitely I let it all.

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Speaker 1: I let it all up in this book. Oh well, listen,

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Speaker 1: how to be loved? And then how to be loved?

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Speaker 1: I guess in parentheses, And then way do you start

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Speaker 1: the book off even just talking about like breakups right

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Speaker 1: and realizing that, like because I think everybody here is

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Speaker 1: like going through something. I'm fresh off a recent breakup

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Speaker 1: right now, and then I'm lost in the sauce about

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Speaker 1: it and it's just that's but leave it up to

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Speaker 1: the next person. I don't even know. I'll talk more

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Speaker 1: about it. Wait, so is that a situation over? Like?

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Speaker 1: Is it no more? Yeah, it's over. Um. And that's

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Speaker 1: how you came to the realization that, in fact, it

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Speaker 1: wasn't what you thought it was. I mean because so

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Speaker 1: when we first started hanging out, because I don't know

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Speaker 1: whatever it was, but it was like spending sharing energy,

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Speaker 1: talking to each other, getting to know each other. Ever,

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Speaker 1: anything that it was was a definition of dating to me.

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Speaker 1: Apparently to him that was just his friends enjoying each

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Speaker 1: other's time, having a good time, which makes no sense.

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Speaker 1: But you know, of course, when we first the first

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Speaker 1: couple of talking to me, it was dates. Dates. It

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Speaker 1: was more like, you, look, I'm in a space right

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Speaker 1: now where I'm not looking for a relationship. We both

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Speaker 1: share that with each other. I was like, at this

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Speaker 1: present time, like, I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm

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Speaker 1: not going on these dates with you, Like this is

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Speaker 1: the man that I'm gonna be with this is who

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna be in a relationship. But I do want

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Speaker 1: to get to know you, you know, getting to know

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Speaker 1: each other, um, because I have a lot of things

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Speaker 1: going on, so my priority right now, it's not a relationship,

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Speaker 1: right And he felt the same. He thought the same

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Speaker 1: way because he and his reason it was because he

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Speaker 1: had just got out of relationship two weeks prior to

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Speaker 1: inviting me out. So I understood that, you know, but dating,

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Speaker 1: to me, it's not a relationship. Dating is getting to

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Speaker 1: know each other, and after a certain amount of time,

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Speaker 1: it's like, okay, after getting to know each other for

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Speaker 1: a couple of months, okay, it is this something I

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Speaker 1: would want or this is someone and then from there

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Speaker 1: you go, know like I was just going with the flow,

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Speaker 1: get organically, but it was more like the energy was there,

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Speaker 1: and he's taking me out every every week at least

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Speaker 1: two to three times a week. We're going to dinner,

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Speaker 1: We're spending time together, were getting to know each other.

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Speaker 1: We traveled our country together, and even that out the

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Speaker 1: country was everybody was like, is that your husband? Like

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Speaker 1: you get what I'm saying. It was energy and I

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Speaker 1: was getting the same energy that I was given and

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Speaker 1: I was actually more because I was very conscious about

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Speaker 1: not giving too much, you know. I was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna give what I received. What do you think

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Speaker 1: about that giving what you receive instead of doing maybe

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Speaker 1: what's in your heart to really do, because sometimes we

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Speaker 1: do want to do a whole lot more than what

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Speaker 1: we're showing, but we're trying to protect ourselves. And because

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Speaker 1: he came out and said I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: in a relationship I just got out of when and

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Speaker 1: you were like, okay, I'm with that, you know, let's

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Speaker 1: just where you guys were, it kind of defined that

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Speaker 1: it was a dead end from the beginning. Well but

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Speaker 1: not really because it was open, you get what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: I was even when he invited me. Well, so this

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Speaker 1: was a four and a half this was the beginning,

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Speaker 1: right aft it is, it's been four and a half,

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Speaker 1: and literally that four four and a half months was

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Speaker 1: literally constantly every time, constantly, every week we were out,

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Speaker 1: he would write down while we're going out and we're speaking,

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Speaker 1: get into each other, things that I told him the

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Speaker 1: next week, whatever restaurant we went to had to do

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Speaker 1: with something that I told him the week before. So

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Speaker 1: he was what do you think about this? How myself

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Speaker 1: are analyzing? I mean, it goes back to what I

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Speaker 1: said in terms of like you guys talking about you

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Speaker 1: want to give more of your protecting yourself, but you do.

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Speaker 1: You don't end up protecting yourself when you protect yourself,

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Speaker 1: That's the point. So what was happening there was like

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Speaker 1: you should be able to be whoever you want to

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Speaker 1: be in the situation and not worry about how it

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Speaker 1: plays out. But at the same time, instead of having

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Speaker 1: expectations of the other person, set standards for yourself. So

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Speaker 1: you're like, this is my standards. This is what is

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Speaker 1: required for me to invest in a person. And the

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Speaker 1: moment it's not, it's clear that that person is not

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Speaker 1: living up to those standards, you got to move on.

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Speaker 1: But he was living up to those this is what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying without trying to. So it was like kind

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Speaker 1: of organically we got closer and closer and spent more

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Speaker 1: time in the conversations, like the deep conversations, and we

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Speaker 1: was very clear on those things. And what got me

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Speaker 1: is not even that like I don't mind, Like at

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Speaker 1: the end, when how it kind of went, it was like,

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Speaker 1: how did it ended exactly? Every communicating every day. If

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Speaker 1: I didn't text or anything, it's like, hey, are you okay?

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Speaker 1: And vice versa. But how it was ended, it's what

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Speaker 1: kind of really got to me. It was kind of like, well,

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Speaker 1: you know, I already told you that that's not what

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Speaker 1: I was looking for, and I'm like, okay, and that's

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Speaker 1: why I was with doing what we're doing because that's

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Speaker 1: not what I was looking for at that moment. But

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Speaker 1: of course that was four months ago where you was

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Speaker 1: fresh out of relationship. It didn't what change was we

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Speaker 1: started talking. He's like, you know, I do see that

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Speaker 1: you're enjoying you know, you have feelings for me. I

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Speaker 1: was like, I do, but I still understand and know

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Speaker 1: that you're not ready for that right now. So whenever

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Speaker 1: i'm ready and I feel like this is what I

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Speaker 1: want and you're not giving, I don't mind walking away

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Speaker 1: and you know what I'm saying that. I was fine

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Speaker 1: with that, but when I asked, Okay, what is it? Okay,

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Speaker 1: so you're not ready for this, he was like, actually,

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Speaker 1: it's I not. I don't want to be in a

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Speaker 1: relationship with you. I don't see myself with you going further.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, that changed things. You know, I was like, okay,

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Speaker 1: well give me what is the reason I deserve you know,

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Speaker 1: after four months of spending all this time, what is

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Speaker 1: those reasonings? And one of the reasons was because I

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Speaker 1: have a kid, I have a son, and he don't

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Speaker 1: see that fitting into his lifestyle. Said, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: what you know from If you would explain that to

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Speaker 1: me from the beginning, I would have never even wasted

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Speaker 1: this time going out, Like you get what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: that's not no more Because if I'm not good enough

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Speaker 1: for you to be with you and to have build

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Speaker 1: something eventually, whether organically or whatever. If I would have

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Speaker 1: known from the beginning that I wasn't good enough for

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Speaker 1: you because I have a kid, bro, I would have

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Speaker 1: not even we would have been platonic friends. We would

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Speaker 1: have been friends enjoying each other's time in a whole

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Speaker 1: different way, you know what I'm saying, Like, and I

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Speaker 1: think it's fair to say I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: with somebody who has kid, but say it from the

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Speaker 1: beginning exactly goes back to the standards. It goes back

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Speaker 1: to like this is what I can do, what I

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Speaker 1: can't do? And I guess in the in the frame

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Speaker 1: of empowerment, the best thing to do is focus on

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Speaker 1: what was in your control. Focusing on his control doesn't

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Speaker 1: give you any power forward. And I think it goes

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Speaker 1: back to like you like, I am open to whatever.

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Speaker 1: But it does sound like you keep talking about the

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Speaker 1: amount of time that went on and the consistency, how

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Speaker 1: that created expectations and the conversations and the things that

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Speaker 1: he shared. The thing did you say, like, are we exclusive?

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Speaker 1: Are we like? Because I wasn't. Again, the exclusivity wasn't

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Speaker 1: a problem. My problem was that that piece of information

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Speaker 1: is a very important piece of information that should have

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Speaker 1: been cheered. So it was you. You. You, You made

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Speaker 1: it clear that we were building something right, whether it's

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Speaker 1: end up in just us being friends, because you know,

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Speaker 1: maybe I would have found somebody who's ready to be

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Speaker 1: in relation. And I told him I was talking to

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Speaker 1: other people too. To me, when you're dating someone, it's open.

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Speaker 1: I'm single, you're single, and we're dating, you know or

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Speaker 1: we But again, to him, that wasn't dating. So my

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Speaker 1: thing is And like I said, okay, your definition of

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Speaker 1: dating is different from mine. You understand what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: So I would I had a clear understanding of all

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Speaker 1: of that. But again it was just getting to him. No,

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Speaker 1: if I would have known for the beginning, that is

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Speaker 1: that I had a kid, so you can sleep with

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Speaker 1: me and you can have a good time with me

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Speaker 1: me being a mother. But you don't see like that.

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Speaker 1: You kind of you know it was false. His standards

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Speaker 1: wasn't clear. If it was clear, my standards were clear

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Speaker 1: from the beginning, and I got to this. You think

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Speaker 1: you were honest when you were telling him you didn't

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Speaker 1: want a relationship. Um, I was because I feel like

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Speaker 1: right now I still have some personal things within myself

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Speaker 1: that I need to get to to be able to

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Speaker 1: be in a healthy relationship. I think you know that's

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Speaker 1: why I'm in therapy. You get what I'm saying. I

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Speaker 1: have a lot of financially and I am a mother

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Speaker 1: like I and not just financial because love is love.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter financial stat is, none of that. But

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Speaker 1: I within myself, like I have things within myself, some

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Speaker 1: certain things that I want to accomplish within myself before

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Speaker 1: I can be with someone, some things that I'm I

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Speaker 1: I feel like I need to improve with them myself

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Speaker 1: self love. I want full understandable four and a half

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Speaker 1: months of you guys hanging out. If he was to

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Speaker 1: come to you at this point and say, Okay, I

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Speaker 1: think that I see things in you that I want

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Speaker 1: to pursue, and I think that we should move forward

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Speaker 1: in actually date or created relationship, you would have turned

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Speaker 1: him down date. Yeah, because his thing dating too already

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Speaker 1: dating right? Well, no, because we spoke about this is no.

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Speaker 1: So we spoke about the whole dating thing, and that's

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Speaker 1: when I realized, Okay, you're definition. I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: my definition dated it is this, and this is his day.

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Speaker 1: I was like, okay. He was like, we're just hanging out.

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Speaker 1: He didn't want to give it a label, but that's

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Speaker 1: exactly what they would have moved forward. If he wanted

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Speaker 1: to move forward slowly, Yeah, I would have, because he's

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Speaker 1: a he's a. But then again, I'm saying he was

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Speaker 1: a great guy. But now that he did this, I'm like, Okay, WHOA,

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Speaker 1: you can't be great of a guy. Yeah. I think

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Speaker 1: sometimes what guys do, and I feel like this is

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Speaker 1: like the empathetic definition of a boy. A definitely with

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Speaker 1: empathy and take it as you want. Guys spend so

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Speaker 1: much time trying to win a girl over when they

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Speaker 1: initially meet that they don't take any time to figure

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Speaker 1: out if the girl is good for them, so they

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Speaker 1: spend all that If I'm trying, if I'm on a

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Speaker 1: date with you, I'm just trying to get over your wall.

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Speaker 1: And when you over, and the truth is, you make

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Speaker 1: it hard by building that wall. But once they get

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Speaker 1: over that wall, it gets a lot easier for me

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Speaker 1: and a lot harder for you. And then that's when

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Speaker 1: I start to look at you as a human being

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Speaker 1: instead of the prize. And now I try to figure

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Speaker 1: out if we're compatible or not, and then by then

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Speaker 1: you might be a lot more hooked. And then for

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Speaker 1: the guys, they don't realize they're doing it. And what

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Speaker 1: they need to do is on day one, on date one,

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Speaker 1: instead of trying to win you over and make you

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Speaker 1: like them, figure out if you're a good fit for them.

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Speaker 1: And I'm wondering because yeah, and it's like when I

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Speaker 1: meet a person and not going to date, it's not

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Speaker 1: like it was like I'm out looking nothing like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you don't know me, I don't know you. I don't

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Speaker 1: expect you to write what I'm saying. That's why that's

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Speaker 1: the dynamic because women select women. Men. Men get chosen.

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Speaker 1: Women choose, so men spend so much time trying to

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Speaker 1: get chosen. Then they have to choose amongst the women

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Speaker 1: that choose them. And you believe in soul mates, right,

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Speaker 1: I believe so mates can exist. Yeah, I don't believe

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Speaker 1: they necessarily should be together like the sole partners, So

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Speaker 1: friendships all of that. So I think there's people that

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Speaker 1: you vibe with and you gell with on a magical level.

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Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily mean you guys should be co parents,

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Speaker 1: sharing a mortgage, doing all that type of stuff together.

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Speaker 1: So I think you can create healthy relationships with them.

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Speaker 1: I think I have like a maybe from like ten

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Speaker 1: years ago in X who probably is a soul mate,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not trying to have her in my life

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Speaker 1: every day, good phone call once every once or twice

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Speaker 1: a year. It's good enough for me. Well, let's talk

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Speaker 1: about your breakup and you know, because I think some

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Speaker 1: people stay in relationships too long. You know, sometimes you

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Speaker 1: feel bad because you don't want to hurt the other

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Speaker 1: person's feeling because you do care and you can love somebody,

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Speaker 1: but know that this is not what it's meant to be.

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Speaker 1: So that can we talk about your situation. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: was with somebody who's who's amazing and like I didn't

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Speaker 1: have a petty bone in their body, always had my back,

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Speaker 1: super loyal, um. But they were in terms of where

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Speaker 1: I was head it in my life, especially as an

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Speaker 1: artist and especially as like a child of an immigrant

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Speaker 1: whose parents had specific expectations. Um. I think she was

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Speaker 1: a lot more traditional in that context, and she kind

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Speaker 1: of romanticized, uh, doing what your parents expect from you.

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Speaker 1: And I'm more of the artists, which is like learned

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Speaker 1: the rules only to break them. So it was kind

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Speaker 1: of this tug of war going back and forth with that.

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Speaker 1: And during that time, it was just a lot of anxiety.

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Speaker 1: I didn't know what it was, and her way of

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Speaker 1: dealing with it was pushing forward, like let's let's get

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Speaker 1: more official, we make things more secure, That's how things

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Speaker 1: will get better. And for me it was like, no,

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Speaker 1: I need to feel better about it. And then it

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Speaker 1: took me like a year of therapy to figure out

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Speaker 1: what it really was, and it was it was a

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Speaker 1: version of me that had to exist in that relationship

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Speaker 1: that I wasn't happy with who I had to be

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Speaker 1: to stay in that relationship. Wasn't somebody I wanted to be,

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Speaker 1: because each of us know who we can really be

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Speaker 1: and what our real potential is. And you know, instead

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Speaker 1: of falling in love with somebody else's potential, we need

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Speaker 1: to fall in love with our own potential. And I

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Speaker 1: wasn't living up to my potential in any way, shape

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Speaker 1: or form. So she proposed to you too. How did

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Speaker 1: you feel when that happened? It caught me off. I

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Speaker 1: didn't know it was real when she did it because

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Speaker 1: she didn't she didn't have a ring or anything. We

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Speaker 1: were in Trinidad, well, it was just yeah, like were

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Speaker 1: we were in Trinidad, and and a bunch of friends

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Speaker 1: with ever there for the carnival and then you know,

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Speaker 1: at the end of carnival, like the last day, but

295
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Speaker 1: just gets on a boat and it's one part of

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Speaker 1: every one parties. So we're there and I've been to

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Speaker 1: Trinidad five years in a row. It's all pre pandemic stuff,

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Speaker 1: and she's like, oh, I want to go see that

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Speaker 1: beach which we've seen before. So for me, it was

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Speaker 1: like I had no idea why she wanted to do it,

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Speaker 1: So I'm like focused on like not stabbing my feet

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Speaker 1: and wherever. We're walking to the beach, and then she

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Speaker 1: goes on the Nina I thought she fell, and she said,

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Speaker 1: and then she got you a necklace, but it didn't

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Speaker 1: arrive on time, so she had nothing in her hands.

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Speaker 1: And she goes and listen, I don't want you to

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Speaker 1: to stress you out, but I do think that we

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Speaker 1: should make this official. And then when I looked, I

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Speaker 1: saw all my friends with their cameras. Then I knew

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Speaker 1: it was aficial. Yeah, But the ironic thing was I

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00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:27,280
Speaker 1: was already like I had already. Yeah, I was because

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Speaker 1: she wanted. She was talking about a specific type of

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Speaker 1: diamond she liked, and I had found somebody who had

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Speaker 1: just gotten married with that I think black diamond, so

315
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,520
Speaker 1: I was asking him and learning about it. And then

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Speaker 1: she was living in New York. So then the other

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Speaker 1: thing I was trying to do, and I'm revealing all

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Speaker 1: of this, and I hope you don't see this, but

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Speaker 1: there was these kids that we'd always see on the

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Speaker 1: Jay train dancing right, and we'd always see them. I

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Speaker 1: want to get them involved and do the proposal on

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Speaker 1: the train. So I had this, I had this kind

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Speaker 1: of romantic idea, and it would have been a couple

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Speaker 1: of months later. Yeah, but that she just kind of

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00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:03,480
Speaker 1: hit me coming after action. I said, you know it

326
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,960
Speaker 1: was yes, everything was great and fine. It was like

327
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Speaker 1: complete shock, but like it was caught off guard, told

328
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Speaker 1: our families everything, everything was fine at that point. Yeah,

329
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Speaker 1: like me diving into the book was after that, Right,

330
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Speaker 1: did you get your necklace? No? I did? I did.

331
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Speaker 1: I did get the necklace. And again it wasn't like

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Speaker 1: a piece of jewelry. It was like I think it

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00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,040
Speaker 1: was like her father's. I think it was like a

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00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:27,160
Speaker 1: tiger tooth and a necklace that her father had grown up.

335
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Speaker 1: So she was giving me that, yeah, because she knew

336
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Speaker 1: I wasn't responsible enough for jewelry. And then after that,

337
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Speaker 1: do you just completely cut ties with the person because

338
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Speaker 1: you know it's going to hurt them too much to

339
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:39,280
Speaker 1: still like speak to you and stay in contact. So

340
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:41,800
Speaker 1: I mean I'd probably had like no contact for like

341
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Speaker 1: three months, and then she hit me up on something

342
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,800
Speaker 1: like I'm over it now we can be best friends,

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00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:49,120
Speaker 1: and then um, it definitely wasn't true, but then we

344
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:51,200
Speaker 1: had that. Then we had a friendship for about six months,

345
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,800
Speaker 1: just platonic see each other maybe once every other month

346
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,880
Speaker 1: type situation. Um, and then I think that brought up

347
00:15:56,920 --> 00:15:58,640
Speaker 1: more drama. So it's been about two and a half

348
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:02,720
Speaker 1: years since the break up, and um after that, probably

349
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,400
Speaker 1: maybe six months ago when we finally got to like

350
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:10,400
Speaker 1: a okay, no hard feelings. I still consider you a

351
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,920
Speaker 1: family member. You considered me a family member. Hit me

352
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,080
Speaker 1: up if you need money, hit me up if you

353
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,240
Speaker 1: need a place to hide, hit me up. If you

354
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,600
Speaker 1: need help that nobody else can help you with. If

355
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,200
Speaker 1: you have a bad day, don't call me. That's not

356
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,600
Speaker 1: who I am. I'm I'm your emergency, your person, and

357
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,400
Speaker 1: vice versa. Yeah, that's it. So that's where we're at

358
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,760
Speaker 1: in terms of good stuff. What do you think about

359
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:33,360
Speaker 1: the book? She won't read it? Yes, painful because I

360
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,000
Speaker 1: had I had seen her. She had been in l

361
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Speaker 1: A and I've seen her. And then I said, I go, oh,

362
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,400
Speaker 1: I have like a draft in the car. If you

363
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:41,200
Speaker 1: want to see it, you'll already decided. I'm not going

364
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,640
Speaker 1: to read it. But I have another ex in there

365
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,480
Speaker 1: who just messaged me, who read it? Because I only

366
00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:51,880
Speaker 1: read my parts there, I think she literally said about

367
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,680
Speaker 1: the book, I read my parts and then put it away. Now,

368
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,120
Speaker 1: when it comes to Levin the book, he said you

369
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,640
Speaker 1: can't avoid getting hurt, right, So let's expand on that

370
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:02,000
Speaker 1: a little bit, because it is at risk anytime that

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00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,080
Speaker 1: you do that, and there's gonna be things that are

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Speaker 1: going to hurt, and so you have to be open

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Speaker 1: to knowing that's going to happen. And that's part of

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00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:12,560
Speaker 1: the journey, right. So you think love has to hurt.

375
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Speaker 1: I think life has to hurt. I think you don't

376
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Speaker 1: learn any other way like having a good day. You

377
00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,760
Speaker 1: don't learn like you need pain. So I think it's

378
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:23,280
Speaker 1: just about looking at pain from a different perspective. And

379
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:27,280
Speaker 1: I think, um, the recipe for love is vulnerability. You

380
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,320
Speaker 1: put yourself out there by default, it's going to hurt

381
00:17:29,359 --> 00:17:33,359
Speaker 1: on some capacity. So I think the challenges that we

382
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,800
Speaker 1: have is trying to avoid the pain, you know. I

383
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:38,800
Speaker 1: think and even with mental health, avoiding anxiety is what

384
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:41,280
Speaker 1: creates mental health issues. It's not anxiety, it's trying to

385
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:44,720
Speaker 1: suppress the anxiety. So suppressing pain is the reason we

386
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,720
Speaker 1: were even more uncomfortable. Avoiding a fight is the reason

387
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:51,240
Speaker 1: to fight. It's worse, right, So it's like actually lean

388
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:55,240
Speaker 1: into this stuff, get through it, or just or look

389
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,400
Speaker 1: forward to it. Like set yourself up in a situation

390
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:58,680
Speaker 1: where you can do it. If you're going to have

391
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,040
Speaker 1: a disagreement, set up a time and make that happen.

392
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,760
Speaker 1: And also, yeah, you're gonna put yourself out there and

393
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,280
Speaker 1: understand that. Like if I ask somebody else, ask somebody

394
00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,439
Speaker 1: for their phone number and they say no, that's their story,

395
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,679
Speaker 1: not mine. And that's no different than somebody coming to

396
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:12,919
Speaker 1: my front door trying to sell me a dishwasher and

397
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,280
Speaker 1: I'm saying I don't want a dishwasher. That nothing to

398
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,679
Speaker 1: do with them, It has no impact on their value.

399
00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,560
Speaker 1: And it's the same thing if I reach out to somebody,

400
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,200
Speaker 1: or if I'm with somebody or dating somebody for a

401
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,040
Speaker 1: couple of years and they decided they don't want to

402
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,040
Speaker 1: be with me no more, that's really their story, not mine.

403
00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,280
Speaker 1: And I think reframing that and really understanding that because

404
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,040
Speaker 1: we don't do that when it's the other way around,

405
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,840
Speaker 1: because we know that we don't want to be with somebody,

406
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,320
Speaker 1: it really is our story. It's less about them. It's

407
00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:36,520
Speaker 1: about either they scratch an itch that we want scratched,

408
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:38,240
Speaker 1: or we think that needs to get scratched or not.

409
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:40,800
Speaker 1: So I think for me, it's like, don't avoid pain,

410
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:45,760
Speaker 1: if anything, seek pain. If you seek pain voluntarily, like

411
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:51,040
Speaker 1: when you work out in the gym, you're voluntarily pain. Yes,

412
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,960
Speaker 1: pain is weakness leaving your body exactly. And if you

413
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,360
Speaker 1: voluntarily do it, then when life comes your way, you're

414
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,160
Speaker 1: better prepared for it. Right, So that's the best way

415
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:01,560
Speaker 1: to do it, even with love. And when it comes

416
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,679
Speaker 1: to arguments too, I always feel like, yes, you're going

417
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,479
Speaker 1: to get an arguments, but you have to figure out

418
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,879
Speaker 1: how to effectively argue with each other. What's your argument

419
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:12,280
Speaker 1: style currently? My argument style I just pop off and

420
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:18,639
Speaker 1: it sucks. Yeah, And and and recently, especially like being

421
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,720
Speaker 1: in l A, like what I realized was like I'm like, okay,

422
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,000
Speaker 1: I pop off too much. Then I went over the

423
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:26,199
Speaker 1: other way, like became dog stile. And then like you know,

424
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,040
Speaker 1: certain women who who don't know the difference between aggressive

425
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:33,359
Speaker 1: and assertive take that as weakness because you're not saying nothing,

426
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,639
Speaker 1: so like they're popping off at two and you're staying quiet,

427
00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:38,120
Speaker 1: and then you know, and then they start to interpret

428
00:19:38,119 --> 00:19:39,600
Speaker 1: that as a certain thing and the like then you

429
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,040
Speaker 1: pop off and then they look at that is a

430
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,520
Speaker 1: different thing. Yeah, I think if you're in a partnership

431
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,120
Speaker 1: with somebody, you got to look at it as you

432
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:48,639
Speaker 1: and your partner versus a problem, not you versus your partner.

433
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:50,560
Speaker 1: And it's got to be like, Okay, we currently have

434
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,240
Speaker 1: a problem. Let's work on this together. Yeah, and maybe

435
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:55,960
Speaker 1: we need a half an hour break to get our

436
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,000
Speaker 1: mind right before we approach this. But we need to

437
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,200
Speaker 1: approach it like that, not with emotion. And then keep

438
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,000
Speaker 1: the problem at the size of the problem. If you

439
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:07,680
Speaker 1: guys are arguing over dishes, keep it at the last week.

440
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,920
Speaker 1: But that's what happened. Everything that was bad you bring

441
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,199
Speaker 1: up and you're like, why didn't you tell me at

442
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,040
Speaker 1: the time, Because that's another thing too, Like sometimes you

443
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:20,200
Speaker 1: let what you're mad about, you'd be like tallying it up.

444
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,760
Speaker 1: Said that later on when something happened, you bring it

445
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,560
Speaker 1: all up, keeping score to keep scoring, and you lose

446
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:30,320
Speaker 1: because I do agree with that, Like I must say,

447
00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:33,400
Speaker 1: like it was painful, you know, to hear that I

448
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:36,920
Speaker 1: wasn't up to the standard of what he would consider

449
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:40,879
Speaker 1: someone who fits his lifestyle and compatible with him because

450
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,680
Speaker 1: of that, But after like why going through the process

451
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,000
Speaker 1: and just the hurt and just you know, and at

452
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,159
Speaker 1: that moment. It's funny how it happened because she was

453
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,520
Speaker 1: out of town, like I had you know, I spoke,

454
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,240
Speaker 1: but I didn't really have so I had to deal

455
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,400
Speaker 1: with it and crying and talk to God. And again

456
00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:57,040
Speaker 1: it's nothing like, oh I was in love. It's just like,

457
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,720
Speaker 1: how is it that from in these four months? God?

458
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,080
Speaker 1: What is the message? What was this person in my life? For?

459
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,440
Speaker 1: Obviously it wasn't for him to be my husband? What

460
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,480
Speaker 1: what you know? It was like, Okay, you're in pain,

461
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,320
Speaker 1: but what did you learn? And I learned, honestly, how

462
00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:12,439
Speaker 1: I want to be treated by a man, because that

463
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,439
Speaker 1: was part of the things that I love. Not love him,

464
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,399
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say I loved him, but I was

465
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,159
Speaker 1: in love with how he made me feel at the

466
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,119
Speaker 1: moment that I was with him, the times that I

467
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,439
Speaker 1: share with him, the support, the encouragement he gave, you know,

468
00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:26,840
Speaker 1: that advice, some things like it's like he saw me.

469
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,240
Speaker 1: So it was kind of like, Okay, I haven't been

470
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,280
Speaker 1: treated like this, you know what I'm saying. Even going

471
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 1: out the country together, the things that I experienced, it

472
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:36,680
Speaker 1: was something I never experienced before. So it's like I'm

473
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:39,159
Speaker 1: in pain, But then I remembered, Okay, I like this.

474
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,720
Speaker 1: I liked so I extracted the good things of that

475
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,280
Speaker 1: and what I did learn it's like, okay, so now

476
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:48,879
Speaker 1: moving forward from the jump standards, do you have a

477
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,440
Speaker 1: problem or do you ever see yourself with a person

478
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,520
Speaker 1: who has a child like that? That's what I learned

479
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:55,520
Speaker 1: from it, moving forward, this is what I'm gonna do,

480
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying that and he has no kids.

481
00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:59,520
Speaker 1: I think sometimes guys you have kids like to be

482
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:02,080
Speaker 1: with women and who have kids. So I've heard that

483
00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:04,919
Speaker 1: a lot because they can see like how nurturing that

484
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:07,320
Speaker 1: you are with your children, and then they feel more

485
00:22:07,359 --> 00:22:10,320
Speaker 1: comfortable with you being you know. And it was a

486
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:13,119
Speaker 1: shock for me because mostly the guys that attracted and

487
00:22:13,119 --> 00:22:15,199
Speaker 1: I said that. And it's funny because my friend, one

488
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,720
Speaker 1: of my friends I was talking to about it, she's

489
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:18,520
Speaker 1: like you was just saying like, yeah, I do not

490
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,000
Speaker 1: I attract men without kids, Like most of the men

491
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,920
Speaker 1: that I attract don't have kids. And in my mind

492
00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,480
Speaker 1: it was always like, you know, trauma and just from

493
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:31,000
Speaker 1: being a teen mom, that's something that it was triggering

494
00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,480
Speaker 1: for me because from when I was sixteen and I

495
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,080
Speaker 1: had a kid, my family said, I wasn't gonna be shipped.

496
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,800
Speaker 1: You know you're not gonna drive, I'm graduating from high school.

497
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 1: Nobody's gonna want you. My brother telling me, oh, you

498
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,879
Speaker 1: ain't never gonna find so, And that's what I was

499
00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:46,399
Speaker 1: just trying to get him to understand, Like I it

500
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 1: was probably not your intention to cause this, but the

501
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,119
Speaker 1: fact that I'm telling you pains and I'm explaining to

502
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,359
Speaker 1: you that pain you're not acknowledging and sense you know,

503
00:22:54,400 --> 00:22:57,520
Speaker 1: you're not taking back, like okay, I see it. That

504
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,159
Speaker 1: was the part. It wasn't him, not because listen, he

505
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,159
Speaker 1: lost someone who would have been supportive, loving, like I

506
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,840
Speaker 1: am the total package you're gonna be I am, and

507
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,520
Speaker 1: I know that and I know my worth. But it

508
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,280
Speaker 1: was just so fussion and I was like, dam I

509
00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:16,000
Speaker 1: just feel like your time was wasted. That's how and

510
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,199
Speaker 1: sards learn my standards. So I'm looking at it is again,

511
00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:24,800
Speaker 1: I'm deciding to extract what God put people in your

512
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,119
Speaker 1: life sometimes for a reason and a purpose and for

513
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,679
Speaker 1: and it's just looking at whatever the blessing was for

514
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 1: that because right like I don't think I still don't

515
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,439
Speaker 1: think he's a terrible guy. Whatever woman he decides to

516
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,239
Speaker 1: be with the person that because he was dating. You know,

517
00:23:40,280 --> 00:23:43,400
Speaker 1: he somebody was more compatible or fit into his lifestyle

518
00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:46,159
Speaker 1: the way he treated me in that moment, And to

519
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,320
Speaker 1: him that wasn't even I could imagine how amazing he's

520
00:23:48,320 --> 00:23:50,440
Speaker 1: going to be with that woman. To the woman, But

521
00:23:50,480 --> 00:23:52,280
Speaker 1: do you think he should it was necessary for him

522
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,560
Speaker 1: to say it's because you're um No, I think. I

523
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,159
Speaker 1: mean he didn't want to tell me. I said, just

524
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,639
Speaker 1: give me that because my mind. Yeah, I don't know,

525
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,760
Speaker 1: like like I mean, as a as a as a guy.

526
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,440
Speaker 1: I've been told that story both ways. It's it's you know,

527
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:08,960
Speaker 1: if you find a woman with a child, they got

528
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,679
Speaker 1: their ship together and they have priorities and they know

529
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,919
Speaker 1: how to handle stuff and ship hits the fan, you

530
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,639
Speaker 1: know you can lean back on them. But I've also

531
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:20,440
Speaker 1: heard stay away from women with kids because there's also

532
00:24:20,480 --> 00:24:22,520
Speaker 1: a whole other dude that may or may not be

533
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,800
Speaker 1: in the situation that you may have to deal with

534
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:26,399
Speaker 1: in certain compact. Like I have a friend right now

535
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,600
Speaker 1: who's been ready for five years to a woman who

536
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,679
Speaker 1: has a child. The child now he's fifteen sixteen, and

537
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 1: my friend enthusiastically is doing the paperwork to adopt to

538
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 1: make it legal to do all of those things. Treats

539
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:42,000
Speaker 1: every single night if he's not home, still calls his

540
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,120
Speaker 1: calls his new son, and you can see that that's

541
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:46,880
Speaker 1: a fit for him. And I got a cousin who's

542
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,800
Speaker 1: also married somebody with a kid, and it works out

543
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,640
Speaker 1: despite families having opinions and all that. And I think

544
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 1: it's more that should have been on his standards list

545
00:24:54,560 --> 00:25:01,440
Speaker 1: from day one because this, you know, depending on how

546
00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 1: old the kids are, because you think the same way

547
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:09,199
Speaker 1: and then my kids mind and eleven. That's why it

548
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,560
Speaker 1: was a little you know, but that's exactly what I meant.

549
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,680
Speaker 1: Like you said that the standards were not clear from

550
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,200
Speaker 1: the beginning, and that's what's got to be for you.

551
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 1: The only way you you can effectively do Let's communicate

552
00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:20,720
Speaker 1: yours like I have a child. You gotta let me know.

553
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:23,400
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe in his head he's like, okay, I've never

554
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,959
Speaker 1: had that experience. Let me try it out and if

555
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,760
Speaker 1: we jell well enough, I'll be able to deal with it.

556
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:29,960
Speaker 1: Especially if you're talking about you one of your children

557
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,360
Speaker 1: is an adult. That's not that shouldn't be a factory.

558
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 1: But it does sound like at the end of the day,

559
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:37,399
Speaker 1: he was a teacher. You said, this is what I'm saying,

560
00:25:37,400 --> 00:25:39,240
Speaker 1: So I'm not upset that he's going to come back

561
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:43,480
Speaker 1: to you know, guys always say they always come back.

562
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:45,480
Speaker 1: And it was like, oh, let's be friends. I'm like,

563
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:47,720
Speaker 1: how could I be? But I need my time later

564
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:52,119
Speaker 1: later on, I know, but again, yeah, I'm happy, I'm now.

565
00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:54,239
Speaker 1: For the first couple of days, it was just so

566
00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:57,000
Speaker 1: confusing and like, and that's why you gotta embrace the hurt.

567
00:25:57,320 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 1: Sometimes you gotta allow yourself to cry. And I love

568
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,680
Speaker 1: how you brought up God to have a chapter in

569
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,520
Speaker 1: the book that talks about the importance of prayer even

570
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:08,280
Speaker 1: if you're not religious, because prayer teaches you to learn

571
00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:11,719
Speaker 1: about yourself, what you genuinely want and what you're genuinely

572
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,760
Speaker 1: grateful for, because those are things you'll tell other people

573
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,080
Speaker 1: what you're actually wanting your life and what you're actually

574
00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,400
Speaker 1: grateful for, and you get that through prayer, and that's

575
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,440
Speaker 1: a great way to develop a stronger relationship with yourself. Well,

576
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,639
Speaker 1: since this is lip service, let's talk about sex a

577
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,720
Speaker 1: little bit and sex life when it comes to being

578
00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 1: love loved. So you said sex, your sex life should

579
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,719
Speaker 1: get better, right as the relationship progresses. But I've heard

580
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:38,879
Speaker 1: a lot of situations where people stop having sex, you know,

581
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:42,440
Speaker 1: where maybe like the spark is gone. And I've heard

582
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:44,639
Speaker 1: this so many different times, and people like it just

583
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:47,280
Speaker 1: started going downhill at first, people having sex all the time,

584
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 1: and then as everything life happened and you know, you

585
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,960
Speaker 1: have kids or you have responsibilities, or maybe it's just

586
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:57,240
Speaker 1: not like that honeymoon phase and that starts to fade

587
00:26:57,240 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 1: a little and so and sometimes people say it feels

588
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,760
Speaker 1: like a chill or you know, who knows what it is.

589
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,480
Speaker 1: So can you talk a little bit about this importance

590
00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 1: of sex when it comes to love. Yeah, I mean

591
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:10,119
Speaker 1: it's it's a level of intimacy. And the thing is

592
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:12,920
Speaker 1: that should evolve because you know, I think in the beginning,

593
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:16,000
Speaker 1: you're first dating somebody, you're having sex. It's almost performative.

594
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:17,760
Speaker 1: You almost kind of you're having sex with them because

595
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:19,040
Speaker 1: you want them to like you, and you do it

596
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 1: in a certain way. But you may not even be

597
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: having some selfish sex to get you to get yourself off.

598
00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:26,240
Speaker 1: But when you're in a marriage, you know, and you've

599
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:28,359
Speaker 1: seen each other at your best and at your worst,

600
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,679
Speaker 1: and everything else. Now there's a deeper level of intimacy

601
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,160
Speaker 1: and vulnerability that can get explored, and I think those

602
00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,200
Speaker 1: conversations have to happen. The idea of it being a chore, yeah,

603
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:40,200
Speaker 1: it is. All the important things in life are chores.

604
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:45,159
Speaker 1: It's a blow job, blow job, but it's just like

605
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,280
Speaker 1: brushing your teeth. It's just like taking a shower. It's

606
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,040
Speaker 1: a chore, right, And I think from that to what

607
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:53,879
Speaker 1: you're right? But I know, I saw an internet, so

608
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,720
Speaker 1: I saw a comedian talked about She's like, I don't

609
00:27:56,760 --> 00:28:01,880
Speaker 1: do blow jobs to do blow internships. That's so funny

610
00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:05,080
Speaker 1: from that side, but you gotta you gotta recognize that

611
00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:07,760
Speaker 1: like this is this is a language of like communicating

612
00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:09,919
Speaker 1: which and I think the longer you're with somebody, the

613
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,400
Speaker 1: more comfortable you are, you'd be able to have conversations

614
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: as to like why it's not exciting anymore, or what

615
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,840
Speaker 1: new things canna be done. I think like Jordan Peterson's

616
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,919
Speaker 1: had a really cool idea of like cheat on your

617
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,480
Speaker 1: partner with your partner, and it's like half the reason

618
00:28:23,480 --> 00:28:25,199
Speaker 1: you're not having crazy wild sex at homes because you

619
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,480
Speaker 1: have to clean up after, like go to a hotel

620
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:31,600
Speaker 1: we're completely different clothes, different makeup differ and everything. Trash

621
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:36,399
Speaker 1: the spot, do it and then leave and they got

622
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:41,640
Speaker 1: no kids, all of that anything like, because you're chasing

623
00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 1: a feeling, you're not chasing a new It's not always

624
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,080
Speaker 1: about a new person. It's about a mystery. It's about

625
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,840
Speaker 1: something like that. And you know foreign idea of the compulsion,

626
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:51,240
Speaker 1: of the idea that like their joy brings you joy.

627
00:28:51,320 --> 00:28:53,160
Speaker 1: Figuring all that out when it comes to like non

628
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:56,720
Speaker 1: traditional setups and situations. But I think it's more about that.

629
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:59,400
Speaker 1: And I love like what Tom and Lisa Bill you said.

630
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,840
Speaker 1: Their rule is no one is shamed for asking for sex,

631
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 1: no one is shamed for denying sex, right, Okay, And

632
00:29:04,320 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: I think it's just again there's a lot of and

633
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,480
Speaker 1: a lot of us are carrying stuff from our childhood

634
00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:12,000
Speaker 1: around sex in terms of like shame, guilt, religious beliefs

635
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,000
Speaker 1: and all of that, and I think that doesn't ever

636
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 1: get addressed in a relationship as well. You've got to

637
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 1: have that conversation because this is an opportunity for you

638
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,360
Speaker 1: guys to be like super intimate with each other and vulnerable.

639
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 1: And the more vulnerable you are with anybody romantic or

640
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,240
Speaker 1: not the deeper your connection is going to be. I

641
00:29:26,240 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: feel like people be so like scared to talk about sex.

642
00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 1: Even having this podcast, people be mad about like questions

643
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:35,520
Speaker 1: that the oh, I can't believe you act like the

644
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 1: whole point is conversation with us gorilla for um king Kong.

645
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, they're still in my comments like why would

646
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 1: y'all talk to them about that? He's a grown man man.

647
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,280
Speaker 1: Part of it is also like letting people understand that

648
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:54,480
Speaker 1: whatever you do is nothing like strange or weird about

649
00:29:54,560 --> 00:29:57,880
Speaker 1: what to consenting people decide to do in the bedroom

650
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 1: right now? What is that balanced be tween Let's just

651
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,520
Speaker 1: say one person once the experiment with something the other

652
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 1: person doesn't like. How do you make that compromise? Because

653
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,760
Speaker 1: I know it's a hard no if one person is

654
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 1: not you know, comfortable, But what about being open to

655
00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:15,400
Speaker 1: exploring even something that maybe you hadn't considered before. Because

656
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 1: a lot of us do have these ideas of this

657
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 1: is taboo or I shouldn't be doing this that comes

658
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,320
Speaker 1: from you know, our childhood, our culture, society. Yeah, I

659
00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,000
Speaker 1: think a lot of it goes back down to the feeling.

660
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:26,640
Speaker 1: So it's like, if I say I want to do this.

661
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,480
Speaker 1: Is it because I saw it in a porn or

662
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 1: one of my friends is bragging about it, and you

663
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: have this idea, But there's a feeling associated with Maybe

664
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:37,240
Speaker 1: the feeling is power, maybe the feeling is dominance or

665
00:30:37,280 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 1: being dominated, whatever the feeling is. And I think it's

666
00:30:39,400 --> 00:30:41,360
Speaker 1: about having that conversation be like, well, why do you

667
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,640
Speaker 1: want to do this? How am I going to feel

668
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,160
Speaker 1: safe in this? And you got to have that kind

669
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:49,400
Speaker 1: of unsexy, boring conversation around sex. And I think those

670
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:52,680
Speaker 1: unsexy conversations are the way that people are gonna feel

671
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,840
Speaker 1: comfortable enough to be who they want to be. And

672
00:30:54,920 --> 00:30:57,000
Speaker 1: then as I said, like have it to the point

673
00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,840
Speaker 1: where was like, well, okay, if we can't do it here,

674
00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:02,840
Speaker 1: what other options? You know? Is there an option to compromise?

675
00:31:02,920 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 1: Can we go out to some foreign country and find

676
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:07,800
Speaker 1: some worker out there? Like what could it be? But

677
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:13,120
Speaker 1: you have And I think, but the end of the

678
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,920
Speaker 1: days about having an open conversation. And I think when

679
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: you don't have the open conversations, you get the resentment,

680
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:20,080
Speaker 1: and you get to resentment, you find out a pit

681
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,080
Speaker 1: and that's going to impact the love and the quality

682
00:31:22,080 --> 00:31:25,120
Speaker 1: of your relationship. What are your thoughts about open relationships

683
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:30,120
Speaker 1: for you personally? For me personally, I haven't met a

684
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:33,920
Speaker 1: couple in their seventies in an open relationship. I feel like,

685
00:31:34,040 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: just just anecdotically, you know, I have a friend Rby Marcus,

686
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 1: who was like one of the most famous guys in

687
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:42,600
Speaker 1: a polyamorous relationship. He had like five girls, all public,

688
00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:46,240
Speaker 1: had them all on Instagram. They also had other partners.

689
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:47,880
Speaker 1: He would hang out with their other partners, and for

690
00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:51,360
Speaker 1: him it was like this mega spiritual experience and he's like,

691
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:52,840
Speaker 1: it was an ego killer to hang out with the

692
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 1: other guy having sex with your girl, Like it's an

693
00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:57,400
Speaker 1: ego killer for him, and he would do it. But then,

694
00:31:57,640 --> 00:31:58,920
Speaker 1: you know, he had going on for me three or

695
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 1: four years, and then he broke up with everybody, met

696
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 1: someone new and got married. So now he's in a

697
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:10,280
Speaker 1: monogamous relationship with one person. And I think it's interesting.

698
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:13,480
Speaker 1: And he talks about the polyamory as being an important

699
00:32:13,720 --> 00:32:17,760
Speaker 1: step and all of that, and um, I think there's

700
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 1: an interesting side to it. I think what it is

701
00:32:20,360 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 1: is really recognizing that we all come from communities and

702
00:32:24,360 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: heritages were like five hundred years ago, we would have

703
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 1: been small villages and we were a part of the village.

704
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 1: The village raised our kids, but the village also kind

705
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:34,520
Speaker 1: of gave us all of our needs. And then then

706
00:32:34,600 --> 00:32:36,760
Speaker 1: you come out here, you marry one person. You guys

707
00:32:36,800 --> 00:32:39,520
Speaker 1: live in your little apartment in a city, like kind

708
00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:41,840
Speaker 1: of in a shelf, in your bubble, and it's you

709
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 1: and them versus the world and as you and then

710
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,120
Speaker 1: for everything, that person has got to be there to

711
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 1: split the bills with you, take care of the kids,

712
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: all that they're your village, and I think acknowledging that

713
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,600
Speaker 1: they can't be your village. And I like what Esther

714
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:55,600
Speaker 1: Perel said where she's like monogamy used to be one

715
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,400
Speaker 1: person for life. Now it's one person at a time.

716
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 1: So now it's like the definition if it's all changing.

717
00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:03,560
Speaker 1: So it's like, obviously, as a guy, having as many

718
00:33:03,600 --> 00:33:07,239
Speaker 1: women sounds super appealing and to me, but I can

719
00:33:07,280 --> 00:33:10,120
Speaker 1: also understand that, like outside of the sex side of it,

720
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,480
Speaker 1: like these are real human beings with real needs and

721
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,920
Speaker 1: they need attention and all of that um. And it

722
00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:16,760
Speaker 1: goes back to what you were saying about. It's really

723
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,880
Speaker 1: about feeling seen. If one person helps you feel seen,

724
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:22,520
Speaker 1: then you can have that, and um so I think

725
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:25,080
Speaker 1: you know, by all means, try it, just keep the

726
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:27,320
Speaker 1: communication open. As I said, I don't know too many

727
00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 1: people that lasted very long, but it's not I tried it.

728
00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 1: It last two and a half years, two men to women,

729
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 1: and well no, it was just not polyamory. Just then

730
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 1: open repen Yeah. Yeah, And I was fine with whatever

731
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 1: was going on because you know, I was like a

732
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,520
Speaker 1: little younger and just it's kind of just you know,

733
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:47,800
Speaker 1: living my life. Um, but we ended up breaking up

734
00:33:47,800 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 1: because he got somebody pregnant and a lot to me

735
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:55,280
Speaker 1: about it secrets. You know, I don't want to have

736
00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:57,760
Speaker 1: a kid. You know I'm not going to get pregnant.

737
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:00,520
Speaker 1: We both know that you were sleeping with other women,

738
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,800
Speaker 1: So why do I find out from mistakenly from your

739
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 1: friend that you have this baby on the way? And

740
00:34:06,360 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 1: then when I confronted him about it, he still continue

741
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:11,800
Speaker 1: to lie. Like the kids, you know what I'm like,

742
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:15,160
Speaker 1: You do already name this kid, and you're building a

743
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:17,759
Speaker 1: nursery across the hall for this kid. You're cleaning out

744
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,640
Speaker 1: a room currently. Clearly it's going to be a nursery

745
00:34:19,680 --> 00:34:22,560
Speaker 1: for this kid that's coming, and you still like lying

746
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:24,960
Speaker 1: to me about it. So that's what ended the relationship. Now,

747
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,520
Speaker 1: who knows how long it would have lasted. He would

748
00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,920
Speaker 1: eventually would have ended any right, right, But it was

749
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:33,319
Speaker 1: an experience and it's something that I can check off

750
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:36,239
Speaker 1: the list and say, well try that. Um, I don't

751
00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:38,520
Speaker 1: think I would do it again, Yeah, because I just

752
00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:39,879
Speaker 1: don't see it working out. Like you said, you don't

753
00:34:39,880 --> 00:34:43,880
Speaker 1: know anybody that's any seven, That's what I'm saying. But

754
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:45,560
Speaker 1: I just like, that's the big thing. I know. I

755
00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:48,000
Speaker 1: knew a girl who was in a She wouldn't let

756
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:49,759
Speaker 1: me call it a throuble, but it was like it

757
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: was two women and a man. Yeah. I also wanted

758
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:54,440
Speaker 1: to try that. At one point, you were like, I

759
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,520
Speaker 1: want to get a girlfriend for us, So they weren't.

760
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:02,800
Speaker 1: They weren't girlfriends. They viewed it as like codating this guy. No, no, no,

761
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:06,480
Speaker 1: I wanted to have literally, And then it has some

762
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,040
Speaker 1: really interesting rules. One of the rules was specifically what

763
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 1: I wanted I wanted us all to have, said, I

764
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:13,799
Speaker 1: wanted us to have sex. I wanted them to have sex.

765
00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,879
Speaker 1: I wanted everybody to have Yeah. This one, this one

766
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,160
Speaker 1: was like they took turns dating. But I think what

767
00:35:19,239 --> 00:35:21,600
Speaker 1: they were trying to do was view it like, Okay,

768
00:35:22,480 --> 00:35:23,960
Speaker 1: if he got us, he ain't got no about on

769
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 1: hammering from nobody that. But also like there's certain things

770
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 1: he likes that I don't care about. That's for you,

771
00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:30,640
Speaker 1: the certain things. And I'm a swallow when you can

772
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:32,880
Speaker 1: put it in her, but got it. But also I

773
00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:35,720
Speaker 1: think also in terms of like concerts, museums, dinner, family.

774
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 1: But one of the rules I thought they had that

775
00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:39,320
Speaker 1: was really interesting was if he's mad at one, he

776
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 1: doesn't get to see the other. Oh wow, that's interesting. Yeah, Like,

777
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,759
Speaker 1: don't you're mad, you're mad at her? Don't bring that

778
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:48,719
Speaker 1: about me? Yeah you can't. Yeah, you can't bring bringing

779
00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:52,920
Speaker 1: that aggression and deal with that. Don't don't tell you

780
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:55,520
Speaker 1: what did today? That a lot of work that that

781
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:57,919
Speaker 1: sounds like a lot of Yeah, and again that didn't

782
00:35:57,960 --> 00:36:01,439
Speaker 1: last either. So let's talk about secrets in relationships, right, because,

783
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:04,799
Speaker 1: like you said, it's more work to hide to hide

784
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:08,439
Speaker 1: the secret. By the way, is that really bared implants? Okay,

785
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: just making sure because I see a little patch. So

786
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,920
Speaker 1: have you guys ever had a secret in a relationship

787
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,839
Speaker 1: that really was like eating you up? That was really hard?

788
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:23,280
Speaker 1: Work for you to have to hide something from someone.

789
00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,359
Speaker 1: It's hard for me to hide hide stuff for me too,

790
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:32,239
Speaker 1: because theyren't eat me up inside. And are all secrets bad?

791
00:36:33,239 --> 00:36:38,200
Speaker 1: All secret No, because sometimes it's kind of like omitting,

792
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:39,840
Speaker 1: Like you don't want to tell somebody something that you

793
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 1: know it's going to hurt their feelings or it's going

794
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:45,320
Speaker 1: to make them feel a certain way, so instead you

795
00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:47,439
Speaker 1: just hold it in. I feel like if I can't

796
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,680
Speaker 1: see open with you and I can't just tell you things,

797
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,520
Speaker 1: then maybe you're not. But you don't have to tell

798
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,239
Speaker 1: everybody everything either, right, Yeah, yeah, but you mean like

799
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,320
Speaker 1: in a relationship, right, But even that, like if I

800
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:01,120
Speaker 1: have a secret and I'm dating somebody, the damage is

801
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,799
Speaker 1: holding the secret. I could tell a friend as long

802
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:07,400
Speaker 1: as somebody else knows, I know, you know. Popularly they

803
00:37:07,480 --> 00:37:10,120
Speaker 1: used to say that if you cheat and you don't

804
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:13,120
Speaker 1: get caught, and you're probably not going to not to tell,

805
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,480
Speaker 1: because that's really relieving yourself and hurting the other person.

806
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:21,320
Speaker 1: So it's guilt. So that is a secret, though, So

807
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:22,840
Speaker 1: what are your thoughts on that that I think that

808
00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:25,600
Speaker 1: guilt eats away. I think what I've noticed, you know,

809
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,640
Speaker 1: just throughout my journey in the entertainment space and whatever

810
00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:31,320
Speaker 1: is when people do shady stuff that they have to

811
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:33,600
Speaker 1: feel it. I don't think anybody gets away with being

812
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,640
Speaker 1: shady in any capacity, so you know, it seems like

813
00:37:36,680 --> 00:37:39,200
Speaker 1: they got away they don't like it's really impacting their

814
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:41,520
Speaker 1: peace and whether that shows to you or not. So

815
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 1: I think I I get a sense of piece off

816
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:45,920
Speaker 1: of that if I come across somebody who's just not

817
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,200
Speaker 1: above board and it's just like, okay, you gotta deal

818
00:37:48,200 --> 00:37:49,840
Speaker 1: with that. And I think for me, even when whenever

819
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:51,840
Speaker 1: I did, even when I had a situation which was

820
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,520
Speaker 1: open and I was given permission to do as I please,

821
00:37:55,840 --> 00:37:58,200
Speaker 1: even then, they were still guilt because you didn't know

822
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:00,880
Speaker 1: how to communicate it. You didn't know how to say like,

823
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,239
Speaker 1: oh I can't see you today because I've lined something up,

824
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:06,000
Speaker 1: Like you just didn't know right, and it was still

825
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:09,360
Speaker 1: eight away. And I think that manifests and overly compromising

826
00:38:09,440 --> 00:38:12,319
Speaker 1: and it being super nice to your partner or it's

827
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,640
Speaker 1: too nice home with some flowers. Yeah, but it's true.

828
00:38:15,680 --> 00:38:17,320
Speaker 1: I think's a lot of that. And I got a

829
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:19,520
Speaker 1: couple of friends who you know, they're not living right

830
00:38:19,640 --> 00:38:22,359
Speaker 1: right now, and the way they justify it is by

831
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:24,800
Speaker 1: overly taking care of their families. Do you feel a

832
00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 1: responsibility when you have friends who aren't living right to

833
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:31,600
Speaker 1: speak to them about it they're feeling it? No, I

834
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:35,239
Speaker 1: feel like as an adult realizing that that's way more

835
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:40,279
Speaker 1: common than expected. And I also, this is anecdotal, this

836
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 1: is not science. What I've noticed is the guys that

837
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 1: I've grown up with who are not crossing the line,

838
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,160
Speaker 1: the only reason they're not crossing the line is because

839
00:38:49,239 --> 00:38:52,160
Speaker 1: they have women with clear boundaries. It is very clear

840
00:38:52,239 --> 00:38:54,800
Speaker 1: that they will lose everything. And I feel like the

841
00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:58,120
Speaker 1: ones that crossed the line probably have been caught and

842
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:01,440
Speaker 1: are still in their situations. And yeah, and I have

843
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,040
Speaker 1: friends who are like public figures who behave like completely behaved,

844
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 1: and I was like, how do you do it? Like,

845
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:09,479
Speaker 1: because I have children and a wife and a house

846
00:39:09,600 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 1: and I will never see it again. I will lose it.

847
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,000
Speaker 1: And it's clear that they believe their partner. When their

848
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:17,239
Speaker 1: partner says that you cross that line, it's over. It

849
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 1: goes back to boundaries and and and standards. So but yeah,

850
00:39:20,960 --> 00:39:23,759
Speaker 1: put your foot down and mean it and actually mean it. Yeah,

851
00:39:24,080 --> 00:39:26,720
Speaker 1: what are some secrets that you've kept that you feel like, Okay,

852
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:31,719
Speaker 1: this wasn't something that I did have to share UM

853
00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,960
Speaker 1: in the past obviously, mean, I feel like I've kept

854
00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:37,040
Speaker 1: secrets for other people. I've gone to like parties and

855
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:42,760
Speaker 1: seen people's partners not there and yeah, and these aren't

856
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:45,480
Speaker 1: like my close friends. And I've had to like realizing that,

857
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:46,960
Speaker 1: you know, there's a there's a little bit of a

858
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,680
Speaker 1: a currency to gossip even with your partner, like oh,

859
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:52,719
Speaker 1: look what I just saw, but knowing that like that,

860
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:55,000
Speaker 1: that might make it go, that might get it out

861
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,279
Speaker 1: there at some point, especially if we're not together. So

862
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,960
Speaker 1: I think that's that's been one UM. And then maybe

863
00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:02,759
Speaker 1: you're just not doing the work to articulate my own

864
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:04,960
Speaker 1: needs and figure out why I wanted something or not

865
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,200
Speaker 1: wanted something. I think those are probably the big ones.

866
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:10,160
Speaker 1: But I think the heavy, heavy secrets have let them

867
00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,799
Speaker 1: all out whatever they had to be. And you also

868
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,359
Speaker 1: mentioned porn earlier, right, And you do talk about porn

869
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 1: in this book, and so you think like a little

870
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:21,800
Speaker 1: bit of port is okay, but too much can indicate

871
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:24,120
Speaker 1: an issue, or you think no porn at all. So

872
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:27,799
Speaker 1: according to UH, I have some therapist friends. I think

873
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,479
Speaker 1: the good definition is for a male. If you can't

874
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,840
Speaker 1: masturbate without porn, then it's gone too far. So like

875
00:40:33,960 --> 00:40:37,800
Speaker 1: somebody's dealing with porn addiction. Oh Anthony, and he just

876
00:40:37,880 --> 00:40:39,880
Speaker 1: had up both hands. I thought he was about to masturbate,

877
00:40:39,960 --> 00:40:46,520
Speaker 1: like right one day. So the recommendation to get off

878
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:50,440
Speaker 1: people that she's like, can you can you just masturbate

879
00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,360
Speaker 1: without any visual stimulation? You know? So I think that

880
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:55,879
Speaker 1: there's a there's an example of that, and that's kind

881
00:40:55,920 --> 00:40:58,440
Speaker 1: of like the sexual can't start my day without coffee

882
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:01,799
Speaker 1: type situation. But I think again, to me, the idea

883
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:03,200
Speaker 1: is less of but it's not a moral thing. I

884
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:05,399
Speaker 1: think it's just more about hyper normal. So it's just say,

885
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 1: like humans, our world has evolved so much, but we

886
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:12,080
Speaker 1: as the actual creatures, haven't. So like we're not even

887
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:13,800
Speaker 1: used to the amount of sault we eat. We're not

888
00:41:13,920 --> 00:41:15,799
Speaker 1: used to have the colors we see, you know, any

889
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:18,279
Speaker 1: color that doesn't exist in nature, and we're staring at it.

890
00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 1: That's why the McDonald's logo is so prominent. These are

891
00:41:21,239 --> 00:41:24,160
Speaker 1: very strong colors. So all of that impacts us in

892
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:28,360
Speaker 1: access stimulation that's slowly kind of like killed a reward system.

893
00:41:28,440 --> 00:41:30,840
Speaker 1: So porn is the same idea where like you have

894
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:34,600
Speaker 1: these women who are all dolled up, you don't see

895
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:37,799
Speaker 1: what they look like normally, and they are completely yes, yes, yes,

896
00:41:37,880 --> 00:41:40,040
Speaker 1: yes to whatever you want. And Chris Rocks aid too,

897
00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:41,279
Speaker 1: because if you don't, if you don't think you have

898
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,000
Speaker 1: an addiction with porn, look how your porn preferences have

899
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:46,680
Speaker 1: changed over time. It's not as you know, what you

900
00:41:46,760 --> 00:41:48,520
Speaker 1: were doing in year one isn't what you're looking at

901
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:50,880
Speaker 1: year three. It gets weirder and weirder and weirder. So

902
00:41:50,960 --> 00:41:58,000
Speaker 1: I think there's something about that rabbits, these rabbit holes exist,

903
00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,200
Speaker 1: So I think you know what's funny, Like the point

904
00:42:00,239 --> 00:42:02,960
Speaker 1: I like to watch me like really like man and

905
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:05,640
Speaker 1: women having sex, like things that it could have been

906
00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,759
Speaker 1: like that I could do. You know what I'm saying.

907
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,719
Speaker 1: I don't really like to watch really weird point. Yeah,

908
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:13,399
Speaker 1: I want to see like fist thing see I don't

909
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,600
Speaker 1: want to see that. I'd be like like, I don't

910
00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:17,920
Speaker 1: want to see, but I like to watch like Vanilla,

911
00:42:18,360 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 1: Vanilla Born and Vanilla and I watched the whole thing,

912
00:42:22,719 --> 00:42:25,080
Speaker 1: Like if I watch it and I get off, I'm ready, Okay,

913
00:42:25,120 --> 00:42:26,960
Speaker 1: I can't keep watching it. I gotta turn it off. Yeah,

914
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:29,160
Speaker 1: I have to turn it off. Yeah, I'm not gonna

915
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:33,640
Speaker 1: watch more than probably like tenner, yeah everybody. Yeahh but yeah,

916
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,319
Speaker 1: I think it's just that hyper normal side of because

917
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,879
Speaker 1: even the vanilla stuff is still well lit, everyone's still

918
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:39,800
Speaker 1: done up, like everything is still set up in like

919
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:42,279
Speaker 1: so yeah, so I think it's and for me, it's

920
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: more And I said, and I put point in Disney

921
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:46,920
Speaker 1: movies in the same category. They still create these expectations

922
00:42:46,960 --> 00:42:48,799
Speaker 1: if you're not self aware, you know. So I brought

923
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:50,960
Speaker 1: up the Roster Whiting. The seven North sounds like a

924
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:59,400
Speaker 1: train come sept exactly. So yeah, so it's just not

925
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,120
Speaker 1: a world thing for me. It is more like, yo,

926
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 1: how how do all these stimulants impact us? Then? Because

927
00:43:04,640 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 1: I rememb really being super young and being this like

928
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:09,120
Speaker 1: this like young men's group and say, how did you

929
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:11,600
Speaker 1: know you were a man? And one dude said the

930
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:13,680
Speaker 1: first time I saw a hair on a woman's nipples

931
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:16,320
Speaker 1: And he was like, that's the first time I realized

932
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:18,480
Speaker 1: this is what real life is and it's not because

933
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:23,480
Speaker 1: everything is like you're never gonna see Harry nipples on

934
00:43:23,520 --> 00:43:28,360
Speaker 1: a woman in the corn. You let me google that.

935
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:32,880
Speaker 1: Given up down the rabbit hole you already you know

936
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:36,960
Speaker 1: about to look it up, you guys, please, now let's

937
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:39,960
Speaker 1: talk about um. You know, you also have a part

938
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:42,480
Speaker 1: of the book where you talk about putting yourself first

939
00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:46,560
Speaker 1: versus being selfish and the difference between those two things,

940
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:48,319
Speaker 1: because I think a lot of times, like we are

941
00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 1: taught that in a relationship, sometimes you put your own

942
00:43:51,200 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 1: knees to the side to kind of cater to the

943
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:56,680
Speaker 1: other person to make things work. But sometimes we lose

944
00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: ourselves when we do that. So can you talk about

945
00:43:58,680 --> 00:44:03,239
Speaker 1: the difference between putting yourself first and also not being selfish? Yeah, so,

946
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 1: all right, The way I put it is, it'sself It's

947
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:08,120
Speaker 1: not selfish to put yourself first. It's selfish to expect

948
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:11,080
Speaker 1: other people to put you first. And I think you know,

949
00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:13,360
Speaker 1: what we need to realize is we're not We're of

950
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:15,879
Speaker 1: no value to other people if our cup is in full.

951
00:44:16,239 --> 00:44:17,480
Speaker 1: So what we have to do is we have to

952
00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:19,200
Speaker 1: make sure that we're in a good situation to be

953
00:44:19,320 --> 00:44:21,839
Speaker 1: of value to anybody else. Make sure our cup is full,

954
00:44:21,920 --> 00:44:25,640
Speaker 1: make sure our needs are met. Understand, as adults, specifically,

955
00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:28,120
Speaker 1: we can meet way more of our needs than you know,

956
00:44:28,239 --> 00:44:30,920
Speaker 1: maybe when we're kids. So when we discover that certain

957
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 1: needs weren't met growing up, my parents didn't do this

958
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:35,239
Speaker 1: for me, so and so didn't teach me that we

959
00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:37,360
Speaker 1: can be that for ourselves. And when we do that

960
00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 1: for ourselves now we have an abundance of love, respect,

961
00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:43,759
Speaker 1: everything that we can share out with the world. And

962
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,080
Speaker 1: I was watching the Kevin Gates clip where he's talking about, like,

963
00:44:46,440 --> 00:44:48,880
Speaker 1: make yourself happy and that will make other people's happy

964
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:52,480
Speaker 1: much more than trying to make everybody else happy. Yeah,

965
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,680
Speaker 1: it's kind of like when they say, if the plane

966
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:56,839
Speaker 1: there's no accident, you gotta put your mask on first,

967
00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:00,200
Speaker 1: or you can't help anybody be passed out, And that

968
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:02,840
Speaker 1: requires you to let gold these ideas of like my partners,

969
00:45:02,880 --> 00:45:05,040
Speaker 1: my better half, Like there's no half of a person.

970
00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:07,680
Speaker 1: You are a complete person, they're a complete person. You

971
00:45:07,719 --> 00:45:12,200
Speaker 1: know what's crazy. I remember having this conversation, uh at

972
00:45:12,239 --> 00:45:15,000
Speaker 1: my former job, but um, you know, I was saying,

973
00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:17,320
Speaker 1: how you know from me being the one in the

974
00:45:17,440 --> 00:45:20,919
Speaker 1: room that wasn't married. But I feel like it's really

975
00:45:21,000 --> 00:45:23,840
Speaker 1: important to be There's nothing wrong with being independent, but

976
00:45:23,960 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 1: like you choose to be dependent on your partner for

977
00:45:26,239 --> 00:45:29,480
Speaker 1: certain things because you're vulnerable enough to allow that, but

978
00:45:29,600 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 1: to also know that I don't have to have it,

979
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:35,279
Speaker 1: but it's nice to know that you can provide this

980
00:45:35,400 --> 00:45:37,319
Speaker 1: for me. And they're like, no, we depended on each other,

981
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 1: and I'm like no. I feel like you have to

982
00:45:39,080 --> 00:45:43,400
Speaker 1: be a whole, independent human being to being a successful relationship.

983
00:45:44,000 --> 00:45:46,760
Speaker 1: You should view yourself as a pillar. I'm a pillar

984
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,640
Speaker 1: and if I find another pillar, now we can hold

985
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 1: something up together. And whether that be a family or whatever,

986
00:45:51,800 --> 00:45:55,560
Speaker 1: you're building beyond yourself, and it is that interdependence versus codependence.

987
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:58,000
Speaker 1: Codependence is like you and your dog. You're dog like

988
00:45:58,120 --> 00:45:59,719
Speaker 1: I need you. I need to see where you are,

989
00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 1: need follow you everywhere. And interdependent is your cat your

990
00:46:03,239 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 1: cats like I'm gonna hit you up when I'm hungry.

991
00:46:06,080 --> 00:46:09,919
Speaker 1: Beyond that, leave me alone. And healthy human relationships should

992
00:46:09,960 --> 00:46:13,040
Speaker 1: be interdependent. I am my own person. You are your

993
00:46:13,080 --> 00:46:16,320
Speaker 1: own person. I can lean on you for some stuff

994
00:46:16,800 --> 00:46:19,120
Speaker 1: and that gives me strength to be my own self.

995
00:46:19,160 --> 00:46:22,000
Speaker 1: So it's like a baby will be more social knowing

996
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:24,560
Speaker 1: his parents in the room versus you leave them and

997
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,120
Speaker 1: you take off and then they get a little bit nervous.

998
00:46:27,480 --> 00:46:29,640
Speaker 1: So it's like in an interdependent relationship is what we

999
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:32,400
Speaker 1: should have. It isn't I'll die without you, I need you.

1000
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,240
Speaker 1: It's knowing that you have my back lets me become

1001
00:46:35,280 --> 00:46:37,880
Speaker 1: more of an independent person. And now you and me

1002
00:46:38,000 --> 00:46:40,080
Speaker 1: as too independent people can hold up way more and

1003
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:42,759
Speaker 1: build something way beyond ourselves, because nothing strong can be

1004
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,200
Speaker 1: built on a weak foundation. Exactly because one thing we've

1005
00:46:45,239 --> 00:46:47,719
Speaker 1: all learned, I alwould say is that sometimes guys really

1006
00:46:47,760 --> 00:46:51,879
Speaker 1: want you to be dependent on them. Rights. So funny,

1007
00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,960
Speaker 1: I have a friend that is recently single, and he

1008
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:58,200
Speaker 1: he is, uh, he's fun employed because he just hold

1009
00:46:58,239 --> 00:47:01,560
Speaker 1: a company. So he's single, fun employed and very wealthy.

1010
00:47:01,680 --> 00:47:05,800
Speaker 1: And he was talking about that idea of you know,

1011
00:47:06,080 --> 00:47:09,279
Speaker 1: realizing that some women are completely independent and they want

1012
00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 1: to split the bill and do all this stuff. But

1013
00:47:11,200 --> 00:47:13,960
Speaker 1: then some women are used to being being taken care of,

1014
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:15,239
Speaker 1: you used to being like, oh, we have a day

1015
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:16,719
Speaker 1: called me my uber, let's do this, do that. And

1016
00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:19,480
Speaker 1: he's trying to figure out what what was turning him on,

1017
00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:21,279
Speaker 1: and I was like, I think, for for for a

1018
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 1: lot of us who grew up in in specific household,

1019
00:47:24,120 --> 00:47:26,560
Speaker 1: is having a woman with their own opinion and their

1020
00:47:26,600 --> 00:47:31,120
Speaker 1: own finances, you know, and then recognizing that is challenging

1021
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:34,120
Speaker 1: for women because the more opinions and the more finances

1022
00:47:34,160 --> 00:47:36,440
Speaker 1: you have, the smaller your dating pool. Is. Yeah, why

1023
00:47:36,640 --> 00:47:40,799
Speaker 1: is that? Because those things reward a man, those things

1024
00:47:40,840 --> 00:47:42,960
Speaker 1: don't reward a woman. So for me, like, if I'm

1025
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:46,440
Speaker 1: competing to win a woman over and the signals that

1026
00:47:46,480 --> 00:47:48,600
Speaker 1: are being sent to me are go to the gym

1027
00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:50,880
Speaker 1: and make more money, whether I win a woman or not,

1028
00:47:51,000 --> 00:47:55,040
Speaker 1: I win. Having that with women it's you still want

1029
00:47:55,080 --> 00:47:57,560
Speaker 1: a man and maybe you maybe you don't care, but

1030
00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:00,280
Speaker 1: I think women still want a man that earns equal

1031
00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:04,080
Speaker 1: or above in that capacity. So now the more you earn,

1032
00:48:04,160 --> 00:48:06,920
Speaker 1: the less men are in that pool, you know. So

1033
00:48:07,000 --> 00:48:08,920
Speaker 1: I think that that that reduces it for you. So

1034
00:48:09,040 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 1: it's like that's where you start to get this idea

1035
00:48:11,239 --> 00:48:13,760
Speaker 1: of like are you know? And I think the benefit

1036
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:15,440
Speaker 1: for women is that teaches them to have a more

1037
00:48:15,480 --> 00:48:18,080
Speaker 1: holistic life. So for me, it teaches me that, like,

1038
00:48:18,440 --> 00:48:23,640
Speaker 1: I can maintain a level of low frequency attractiveness by

1039
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:28,520
Speaker 1: just staying healthy and rich, you know. And then I

1040
00:48:28,600 --> 00:48:30,760
Speaker 1: think for women it's like, look, instead of us chasing

1041
00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,600
Speaker 1: just a hot body and a lot of money, we

1042
00:48:33,680 --> 00:48:35,239
Speaker 1: need to create a whole life, and we need to

1043
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:38,399
Speaker 1: focus on family, We need to focus on mental health,

1044
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:40,160
Speaker 1: need to focus on all of these things, not just

1045
00:48:40,320 --> 00:48:43,480
Speaker 1: our status, because our status scares away men more than

1046
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:45,720
Speaker 1: it does attract, whereas for a man it can attract.

1047
00:48:46,080 --> 00:48:48,520
Speaker 1: And I think for women, their power lies and their

1048
00:48:48,560 --> 00:48:52,799
Speaker 1: select being selective, being a chooser. And that's why even

1049
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:55,640
Speaker 1: when I sent you that message about like women can't

1050
00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:58,880
Speaker 1: compete with women because if you compete, you're giving up

1051
00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 1: your power. So never compete with another woman for a mint,

1052
00:49:01,680 --> 00:49:05,160
Speaker 1: because you already lost all your boundaries are gone, your boundaries,

1053
00:49:05,840 --> 00:49:08,440
Speaker 1: So by walking away, you maintain your power. Man can

1054
00:49:08,480 --> 00:49:11,839
Speaker 1: compete for a woman because each man wins regardless because

1055
00:49:11,840 --> 00:49:14,000
Speaker 1: he's just stepping up his game. A woman to the

1056
00:49:14,000 --> 00:49:17,000
Speaker 1: step up a game competing with another woman. What about potential, right,

1057
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:22,320
Speaker 1: because we talk about dating somebody who has potential, but

1058
00:49:22,600 --> 00:49:24,600
Speaker 1: is that a good or a bad idea? Because sometimes

1059
00:49:24,640 --> 00:49:26,799
Speaker 1: we could see in somebody like, look, they're not where

1060
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 1: they want to be, but they're on their way. They're

1061
00:49:29,360 --> 00:49:30,920
Speaker 1: like I could see they're putting in the work to

1062
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,440
Speaker 1: make this happen. You know, maybe they don't have the

1063
00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:36,520
Speaker 1: financial status they went now they're just starting this business.

1064
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:38,600
Speaker 1: I can see in you what it is that you

1065
00:49:38,760 --> 00:49:42,279
Speaker 1: can be right, but you're not there yet, or maybe

1066
00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 1: this person I could see, like the potential that you

1067
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:46,839
Speaker 1: have to be great in a relationship, but you've never

1068
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:50,279
Speaker 1: been in a real relationship before, and you've never you know,

1069
00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:54,000
Speaker 1: experienced love the way that you should. And you know

1070
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:56,640
Speaker 1: you could say, okay, you can't fall in love with potential,

1071
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:59,440
Speaker 1: but then it's also like, are you exiting out somebody

1072
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:01,719
Speaker 1: because they're not what you need them to be? At businessman,

1073
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 1: I think the only potential you can fall in love

1074
00:50:04,239 --> 00:50:07,480
Speaker 1: with is your own. And I feel like even even

1075
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:09,879
Speaker 1: the way the way you framed it, if we're talking

1076
00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:11,920
Speaker 1: about a janitor who wants to be a CEO, if

1077
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:14,480
Speaker 1: you if that janitor is actually on path to be

1078
00:50:14,520 --> 00:50:16,800
Speaker 1: a CEO, he's already acting like a CEO. He already

1079
00:50:16,800 --> 00:50:19,320
Speaker 1: has that mindset. So he is who he is, and

1080
00:50:19,400 --> 00:50:21,120
Speaker 1: you can be in love with who he is irrespective

1081
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:23,719
Speaker 1: of his status. Because now if you have a guy

1082
00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:26,640
Speaker 1: who I don't know, who's a hustler who's doing really

1083
00:50:26,719 --> 00:50:28,919
Speaker 1: well and everything is amazing, and then tomorrow he loses

1084
00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:30,880
Speaker 1: his job, you already have faith that he's going to

1085
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:33,520
Speaker 1: figure it out, not based off his circumstances, but based

1086
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,960
Speaker 1: off who he is. Right, So, fall in love with

1087
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,520
Speaker 1: somebody's potential can't be with who they are. Maybe where

1088
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:41,399
Speaker 1: they are is a different story. But now, if they're

1089
00:50:41,440 --> 00:50:43,279
Speaker 1: getting up six in the morning and they're working ten

1090
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:45,080
Speaker 1: hours a day and they're putting in a network and

1091
00:50:45,080 --> 00:50:47,040
Speaker 1: they're still making you a priority and all this stuff

1092
00:50:47,120 --> 00:50:48,719
Speaker 1: is there, you're falling in love with who they are

1093
00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:53,399
Speaker 1: right then there and circumstances will continue to change. Yeah,

1094
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:55,239
Speaker 1: And I think from that's important because if you fall

1095
00:50:55,239 --> 00:50:56,799
Speaker 1: in love with somebody for potential, for who they can

1096
00:50:56,920 --> 00:50:59,840
Speaker 1: be in terms of actual personality and qualities of the

1097
00:51:00,520 --> 00:51:02,800
Speaker 1: then you are denying who they are. So you're not

1098
00:51:02,920 --> 00:51:05,360
Speaker 1: even yeah at the moment, you're being blind to that

1099
00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 1: for who they can be, and nobody changes for anybody else.

1100
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:13,480
Speaker 1: People only change when they need to change, and unfortunately

1101
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:16,520
Speaker 1: it sucks. But when life goes the other way, that

1102
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,680
Speaker 1: also reveals a lot of people. I think a lot

1103
00:51:18,719 --> 00:51:21,560
Speaker 1: of human beings are never put in a situation for

1104
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:24,439
Speaker 1: us to see their worst qualities until she hits the fan,

1105
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:27,080
Speaker 1: And ship may not hit the fan for some people ever,

1106
00:51:27,640 --> 00:51:30,200
Speaker 1: or if at all. And I think that's that's that's

1107
00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:32,719
Speaker 1: an unpleasant you know, truth of all of this. I

1108
00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:35,000
Speaker 1: just had a conversation with somebody about that. I was

1109
00:51:35,080 --> 00:51:37,320
Speaker 1: just talking about the situation. I was like, you know,

1110
00:51:37,719 --> 00:51:39,920
Speaker 1: and when I say I'm not ready to be in

1111
00:51:39,960 --> 00:51:42,040
Speaker 1: a relationships because there's a lot of things that I

1112
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:45,640
Speaker 1: want to work on whoever comes, whoever I end up

1113
00:51:45,680 --> 00:51:50,720
Speaker 1: being with, I want to be an asset emotionally, financially, mentally,

1114
00:51:51,000 --> 00:51:53,279
Speaker 1: you know, I want to provide all those things. And

1115
00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:56,160
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, I'm not where I want

1116
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:57,960
Speaker 1: to be financially, but I know where I'm going and

1117
00:51:58,000 --> 00:51:59,560
Speaker 1: I know the work I have to put anything. You

1118
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:01,759
Speaker 1: have to be where you want to be financially to

1119
00:52:01,880 --> 00:52:04,239
Speaker 1: be in because I I understand what you're saying, because

1120
00:52:04,239 --> 00:52:06,560
Speaker 1: you are who you are and just similar to Muhamma

1121
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,680
Speaker 1: were saying, like you can see where you're going to be,

1122
00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:11,239
Speaker 1: but you might not be there yet, but who you

1123
00:52:11,320 --> 00:52:14,720
Speaker 1: are already is that? So do you think how important

1124
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:17,320
Speaker 1: is it to be financially money camp? Can you be

1125
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 1: financially ready to be in a relationship? Like should you

1126
00:52:19,640 --> 00:52:21,680
Speaker 1: not date if you're not financially should you not be

1127
00:52:21,760 --> 00:52:25,040
Speaker 1: in a relationship? If you're not financially there. I felt

1128
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:27,640
Speaker 1: when I was a broke artist was way easier. I

1129
00:52:27,719 --> 00:52:29,480
Speaker 1: felt like it was way easier. I felt like I

1130
00:52:29,560 --> 00:52:33,920
Speaker 1: was only relying on my personality. We were getting thirty

1131
00:52:33,960 --> 00:52:37,000
Speaker 1: dollar nachos for dinner, sharing that, having sex in the

1132
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:39,280
Speaker 1: backs of the car, and life was simple and happy.

1133
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:41,839
Speaker 1: And then you know, at least you had a car

1134
00:52:42,120 --> 00:52:45,840
Speaker 1: at Lisa had a car. And then yeah, and I

1135
00:52:45,920 --> 00:52:48,800
Speaker 1: feel like now where you know where you're dating and

1136
00:52:48,840 --> 00:52:52,080
Speaker 1: people know who you are, there's expectations around this. There's

1137
00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:53,800
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of stuff. And I think from that

1138
00:52:54,000 --> 00:52:57,239
Speaker 1: and I still have that same mindset and I don't

1139
00:52:57,280 --> 00:52:59,839
Speaker 1: want to feel used, so you know, so I think,

1140
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:01,759
Speaker 1: you know, my first year in l A dating it

1141
00:53:01,880 --> 00:53:04,239
Speaker 1: was like either you were meet girls who are like,

1142
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:05,960
Speaker 1: I'm not dating a guy without a room who has

1143
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:09,560
Speaker 1: a roommate, and like they all got roommates nerves yea,

1144
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:14,080
Speaker 1: and the like they you know, they're they're working jobs,

1145
00:53:14,160 --> 00:53:16,600
Speaker 1: not careers, but they know all like they know all

1146
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:19,799
Speaker 1: the expensive restaurants. And I have wealthy friends in LA

1147
00:53:19,800 --> 00:53:21,520
Speaker 1: who don't even know about these restaurants, And how do

1148
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:23,360
Speaker 1: you know about that? So I felt like that was

1149
00:53:23,400 --> 00:53:25,920
Speaker 1: a challenge. Or then you meet a woman who's got

1150
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:28,359
Speaker 1: a career who's doing really well, and then they also

1151
00:53:28,400 --> 00:53:30,359
Speaker 1: have expensive taste, which they're allowed to because they can

1152
00:53:30,440 --> 00:53:32,440
Speaker 1: afford that. So it was like for me that was

1153
00:53:32,480 --> 00:53:35,279
Speaker 1: an adjustment in itself and realizing that, like, Okay, this

1154
00:53:35,400 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 1: does become a financial situation, and you want someone to

1155
00:53:38,600 --> 00:53:41,040
Speaker 1: like you for who you are, and it's really about

1156
00:53:41,239 --> 00:53:43,720
Speaker 1: they're measuring finance because what they're really chasing his safety.

1157
00:53:44,480 --> 00:53:46,040
Speaker 1: But I think what they really should look at is

1158
00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:49,680
Speaker 1: the person's qualities, like is he is he a worker?

1159
00:53:49,840 --> 00:53:51,600
Speaker 1: Because some people might have money from their family and

1160
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:53,560
Speaker 1: if that goes away then just gonna crash and burn.

1161
00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:55,919
Speaker 1: But if you see a guy who's like, not only

1162
00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:57,719
Speaker 1: does he have a gang of money, he's fixing his

1163
00:53:57,800 --> 00:54:00,160
Speaker 1: own sink, he's fixing his own car, he gets up

1164
00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:03,080
Speaker 1: every morning, manual labor, all of that, then you already

1165
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:05,000
Speaker 1: know if all the money goes away, he's going to

1166
00:54:05,040 --> 00:54:08,120
Speaker 1: figure it out. And that's the safety that you actually want.

1167
00:54:08,239 --> 00:54:09,759
Speaker 1: You don't want a rich guy. You want someone to

1168
00:54:09,840 --> 00:54:12,480
Speaker 1: keep you make you feel safe. The safety is the

1169
00:54:12,600 --> 00:54:15,160
Speaker 1: thing that you're chasing. And I think that I think

1170
00:54:15,280 --> 00:54:17,880
Speaker 1: is really important, but I mean obviously, and this was

1171
00:54:17,920 --> 00:54:20,279
Speaker 1: a conversation because I had those situations in l a

1172
00:54:20,440 --> 00:54:22,880
Speaker 1: of I had a girl say, so, how much do

1173
00:54:22,960 --> 00:54:32,719
Speaker 1: you make? I didn't know that was real. I immediately like,

1174
00:54:32,760 --> 00:54:35,279
Speaker 1: are you asking me? I was, I was pretty much like,

1175
00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:37,600
Speaker 1: you know, are you? My therapist said that girls aren't

1176
00:54:37,600 --> 00:54:39,200
Speaker 1: gold diggers, just want to make sure you don't live

1177
00:54:39,200 --> 00:54:41,880
Speaker 1: in your mom's basement, you know, so that why you're asking.

1178
00:54:41,920 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 1: And then her response was like, no, I just need

1179
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:44,840
Speaker 1: a guy to make three times more than me and

1180
00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:47,480
Speaker 1: I make a lot. And it was like and this

1181
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:50,000
Speaker 1: was just like do happenstance waiting for an uber while

1182
00:54:50,080 --> 00:54:51,560
Speaker 1: sitting at a bar. But I was like I had that,

1183
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:53,800
Speaker 1: and then I met a dude that was like I

1184
00:54:53,880 --> 00:54:56,360
Speaker 1: need my girls unemployed and without opinions. So it's like

1185
00:54:56,520 --> 00:54:59,960
Speaker 1: that these two were made for each other, perfect person,

1186
00:55:00,600 --> 00:55:04,480
Speaker 1: right for you. I'd rather have somebody that has their

1187
00:55:04,520 --> 00:55:07,560
Speaker 1: own situation going on as well. But I think that

1188
00:55:07,719 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 1: I think from that time, I think there was an

1189
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:12,759
Speaker 1: idea of like what I've noticed and this is just

1190
00:55:12,880 --> 00:55:16,040
Speaker 1: my experiences, a girl shouldn't help to help help you

1191
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:18,920
Speaker 1: get out of your mom's basement, but like I think

1192
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 1: girls do like improving you. So I think for me

1193
00:55:23,200 --> 00:55:25,440
Speaker 1: do like we do like fixer rappers sometimes, but it's

1194
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:28,160
Speaker 1: not fixer uppers in terms of like like I noticed,

1195
00:55:28,239 --> 00:55:30,960
Speaker 1: like if you don't want to rehab, yeah you don't

1196
00:55:31,000 --> 00:55:32,440
Speaker 1: want to help me pay my bills, but you might

1197
00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:34,839
Speaker 1: want to help me with my skincare routine. Yeah, yeah,

1198
00:55:35,520 --> 00:55:38,120
Speaker 1: you want to help me turn my house into a home.

1199
00:55:38,800 --> 00:55:40,960
Speaker 1: You know you want to get me, not with my

1200
00:55:41,040 --> 00:55:44,440
Speaker 1: bare basic furniture, being like maybe like, wait, were you

1201
00:55:44,560 --> 00:55:48,040
Speaker 1: dating before us that you have right this furniture? Okay,

1202
00:55:48,160 --> 00:55:52,280
Speaker 1: let me help you. Oh you're just using regular lotion face,

1203
00:55:56,760 --> 00:55:59,160
Speaker 1: but you feel like, well he never really had nobody.

1204
00:56:00,360 --> 00:56:02,360
Speaker 1: I get all those influencer boxes, so I just like

1205
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:04,560
Speaker 1: keep all all the creams that I get from all

1206
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:06,759
Speaker 1: these different influencer boxes in my bathroom, and I don't

1207
00:56:06,760 --> 00:56:08,360
Speaker 1: know what they are. And it takes a girl to

1208
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:09,920
Speaker 1: come in and be like, oh, this is really good.

1209
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:13,120
Speaker 1: Use this, use this, use this. We'll try it. But

1210
00:56:13,200 --> 00:56:15,200
Speaker 1: then I can't keep it up by myself. So what

1211
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:17,480
Speaker 1: did you learn about yourself from writing this book? The

1212
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:19,480
Speaker 1: big thing I learned from myself was there was always

1213
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:21,279
Speaker 1: loving my life, and I couldn't receive it, Like I

1214
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:23,120
Speaker 1: just didn't know how to receive it. I viewed I

1215
00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:27,160
Speaker 1: thought vulnerability with weakness. UM. I thought I was protecting

1216
00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:30,359
Speaker 1: myself doing that. UM. I thought the opinions of other

1217
00:56:30,400 --> 00:56:32,440
Speaker 1: people mattered. I thought being liked was more important than

1218
00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:34,839
Speaker 1: being loved. Those were Those are kind of the key

1219
00:56:34,920 --> 00:56:37,040
Speaker 1: things that I realized. And then I also realized that,

1220
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:40,000
Speaker 1: you know, love isn't glue. Love doesn't do anything to

1221
00:56:40,080 --> 00:56:42,960
Speaker 1: keep people together. It is supposed to motivate you to work. UM.

1222
00:56:43,160 --> 00:56:45,000
Speaker 1: And I think I also got a really big understanding

1223
00:56:45,040 --> 00:56:47,680
Speaker 1: of like how, especially in this part of the world,

1224
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:50,760
Speaker 1: the society that we live in, how so much messaging

1225
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:55,200
Speaker 1: is sent to us by media and and and tradition

1226
00:56:55,400 --> 00:56:58,080
Speaker 1: and all of that. We don't realize it's still motivated

1227
00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 1: by making money like this, you know, to two and

1228
00:57:00,560 --> 00:57:02,640
Speaker 1: a half months of salary for a diamond ring. You know,

1229
00:57:02,840 --> 00:57:05,319
Speaker 1: like that they weren't telling you that for culture. They're

1230
00:57:05,320 --> 00:57:07,440
Speaker 1: telling you that's so they can make money. Um. The

1231
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:09,680
Speaker 1: amount of hours that we work, and then watching how

1232
00:57:09,840 --> 00:57:13,000
Speaker 1: that in itself sabotages us. So even for me. For

1233
00:57:13,040 --> 00:57:15,759
Speaker 1: New Years, I realized, I my news resolution was just

1234
00:57:15,840 --> 00:57:18,920
Speaker 1: to carve out a permanent space in my life to

1235
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,400
Speaker 1: be there for people that I care about. And that's

1236
00:57:20,400 --> 00:57:22,880
Speaker 1: not even romantic. I mean just being there for my siblings,

1237
00:57:23,160 --> 00:57:25,400
Speaker 1: being there for my parents, being there for everybody, because

1238
00:57:25,440 --> 00:57:27,200
Speaker 1: I realized they were going through things and not telling

1239
00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:29,800
Speaker 1: me because they thought it would be a burden for me.

1240
00:57:30,520 --> 00:57:31,880
Speaker 1: And I realized and that was just the house I

1241
00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:33,280
Speaker 1: grew up, and I grew up in the suck it

1242
00:57:33,360 --> 00:57:36,080
Speaker 1: up house. And then how that hurt me in relationships

1243
00:57:36,120 --> 00:57:38,680
Speaker 1: because it's I only went to my family in emergencies.

1244
00:57:38,880 --> 00:57:41,080
Speaker 1: I didn't go for them for the little things. And then,

1245
00:57:41,520 --> 00:57:44,040
Speaker 1: but that's the vulnerability that connects you with people. And

1246
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:46,960
Speaker 1: then that translated forward. So if I was dating somebody

1247
00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:49,560
Speaker 1: and they were sharing something that was painful to them,

1248
00:57:49,960 --> 00:57:52,040
Speaker 1: I would always try to solve it, you know, And

1249
00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:54,080
Speaker 1: right now we kind of have that normalized. Guys try

1250
00:57:54,120 --> 00:57:55,920
Speaker 1: to solve your problems. But the reason guys try to

1251
00:57:55,960 --> 00:57:57,920
Speaker 1: solve your problems is you're triggering their pain. They don't

1252
00:57:57,920 --> 00:57:59,440
Speaker 1: know how to deal with it, so they're just trying

1253
00:57:59,480 --> 00:58:01,760
Speaker 1: to shut you up. So what I realized for myself

1254
00:58:01,880 --> 00:58:03,800
Speaker 1: is I was trying to shut people up when they

1255
00:58:03,840 --> 00:58:07,040
Speaker 1: were expressing pain to me and empathy and I literally

1256
00:58:07,120 --> 00:58:10,240
Speaker 1: feel like I learned empathy maybe three years ago. Empathy

1257
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:12,800
Speaker 1: is feeling the pain and just sitting with them in

1258
00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:15,880
Speaker 1: pain and being like that sucks. I know that sucks

1259
00:58:15,920 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 1: because it makes me feel like ship, let's just hold

1260
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,480
Speaker 1: each other and cry over it, which isn't something that

1261
00:58:20,880 --> 00:58:23,520
Speaker 1: any young man is ever taught to do. And you

1262
00:58:23,560 --> 00:58:28,120
Speaker 1: have to learn it that way and take it over it.

1263
00:58:28,400 --> 00:58:31,160
Speaker 1: And also just it takes a you know, it's like

1264
00:58:31,240 --> 00:58:33,320
Speaker 1: the lion king, like what what? What knowledge did f

1265
00:58:33,320 --> 00:58:34,760
Speaker 1: for sim But it takes a woman to turn a

1266
00:58:34,800 --> 00:58:38,640
Speaker 1: boy to a man, and that is an inconvenient role

1267
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:41,360
Speaker 1: for a female because sometimes they convert them to a

1268
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:46,920
Speaker 1: man and then yeah or potentially I don't know too

1269
00:58:46,960 --> 00:58:48,600
Speaker 1: many stories of them moving on and being great. I

1270
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:50,880
Speaker 1: feel like they get stuck in a pattern themselves. But

1271
00:58:50,960 --> 00:58:54,479
Speaker 1: I think there is that idea, especially for the Mama

1272
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:58,000
Speaker 1: Mama's boys, because Mama's boys are just you know, men

1273
00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:04,000
Speaker 1: who were even unconditional love by a woman for nothing,

1274
00:59:04,760 --> 00:59:06,320
Speaker 1: And there is no other woman that will give you

1275
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:09,000
Speaker 1: unconditional love for another And you shouldn't have unconditional love.

1276
00:59:09,320 --> 00:59:11,880
Speaker 1: You should be earning your love on some capacity even

1277
00:59:11,920 --> 00:59:13,760
Speaker 1: though love and but you should be earning your spot

1278
00:59:13,880 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: in somebody's life because they should have standards a right.

1279
00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:21,720
Speaker 1: So take it for granted, Take for granted. Yeah, are

1280
00:59:21,800 --> 00:59:24,360
Speaker 1: you open for love? Now? You feel like more than ever.

1281
00:59:24,840 --> 00:59:26,600
Speaker 1: I'm working at it. I've had a few false starts.

1282
00:59:26,720 --> 00:59:31,600
Speaker 1: I'm working at it, work in progress. I think you know.

1283
00:59:31,720 --> 00:59:34,960
Speaker 1: The big thing I'm doing is is focusing on my

1284
00:59:35,040 --> 00:59:38,800
Speaker 1: self respect over his self esteem. Um, doing that, but

1285
00:59:39,000 --> 00:59:42,360
Speaker 1: also just communicating. So like I'm in therapy and the

1286
00:59:42,400 --> 00:59:44,720
Speaker 1: big thing my therapist tells me is speed up the

1287
00:59:44,800 --> 00:59:47,120
Speaker 1: time that you and I think this is what what

1288
00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:48,640
Speaker 1: the guy in your life needs to learn to speed

1289
00:59:48,760 --> 00:59:50,280
Speaker 1: up the time that you know this isn't a fit

1290
00:59:50,360 --> 00:59:54,120
Speaker 1: for you, like, don't because and again I'll admit I'm

1291
00:59:54,120 --> 00:59:56,680
Speaker 1: a sucker for a symmetrical face. Like if she's beautiful

1292
00:59:56,800 --> 01:00:01,000
Speaker 1: and she we're not compatible, I'll stick around plastically attracted

1293
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:03,440
Speaker 1: to you. Yeah, it's just like you, you know, And

1294
01:00:03,480 --> 01:00:05,560
Speaker 1: then you start to see the incompatibilities of the red

1295
01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:16,360
Speaker 1: flags and all over the Yeah. Always, but sometimes you

1296
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:18,880
Speaker 1: keep that psycho going and you really close yourself off

1297
01:00:18,920 --> 01:00:21,560
Speaker 1: to the potential of what could be like finding the

1298
01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:24,600
Speaker 1: right person because you're so blocked from spending time doing

1299
01:00:24,720 --> 01:00:27,720
Speaker 1: things that you know aren't going anywhere exactly. So I

1300
01:00:27,760 --> 01:00:30,040
Speaker 1: think from that standpoint, I've been learning that too. But then,

1301
01:00:30,680 --> 01:00:32,200
Speaker 1: one really good thing, and I think you got this

1302
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:34,640
Speaker 1: from your experience that my therapist made me do is

1303
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:37,920
Speaker 1: she made me relive my entire love life, like from

1304
01:00:37,960 --> 01:00:42,440
Speaker 1: like elementary school crushes all of them, made me live

1305
01:00:42,480 --> 01:00:45,520
Speaker 1: them out loud, and then she observed my my facial

1306
01:00:45,560 --> 01:00:47,720
Speaker 1: expression as they told them, and she's like, oh, highlight that,

1307
01:00:47,800 --> 01:00:50,479
Speaker 1: highlight that. And then pretty much I created my list

1308
01:00:50,560 --> 01:00:52,800
Speaker 1: of my perfect partner based off of what kind of

1309
01:00:52,960 --> 01:00:58,200
Speaker 1: brightened my face up. So yeah, like a good exercise.

1310
01:00:58,320 --> 01:01:00,480
Speaker 1: She's actually so funny because when I speak to my

1311
01:01:00,560 --> 01:01:02,960
Speaker 1: therapist is while while I'm talking and I'm saying, I

1312
01:01:03,080 --> 01:01:07,200
Speaker 1: see m hm, I'm like, what are you writing, She's like,

1313
01:01:07,240 --> 01:01:09,440
Speaker 1: we'll get to it at the end. And one thing

1314
01:01:09,520 --> 01:01:11,240
Speaker 1: she did teach me when I spoke to her about

1315
01:01:11,280 --> 01:01:14,120
Speaker 1: this um before, like when I'll talk in the process

1316
01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:16,720
Speaker 1: two months into it, I was like, oh my god,

1317
01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:19,480
Speaker 1: he makes me feel She's like, wait, he does not

1318
01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:22,360
Speaker 1: make you feel anything. He influences the feelings that you

1319
01:01:22,400 --> 01:01:27,640
Speaker 1: already have within you. Yeah, shout out to my therapist.

1320
01:01:27,720 --> 01:01:29,720
Speaker 1: She's amazing. This is the best thing I've ever done

1321
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:31,400
Speaker 1: in my life. And I needed it so much. And

1322
01:01:31,560 --> 01:01:34,560
Speaker 1: that's why I think I was able to process this

1323
01:01:34,760 --> 01:01:37,240
Speaker 1: so quickly. And you know what I'm saying, like, yeah,

1324
01:01:37,280 --> 01:01:39,920
Speaker 1: I miss it something, But I don't feel that what

1325
01:01:40,040 --> 01:01:42,800
Speaker 1: I felt the first three days, you know, thinking in

1326
01:01:42,880 --> 01:01:45,160
Speaker 1: my head rejection or I'm not good enough. It was like,

1327
01:01:45,560 --> 01:01:48,160
Speaker 1: hold up, You're more than good. He doesn't know what

1328
01:01:48,320 --> 01:01:51,280
Speaker 1: he lost. Yes, don't fit your lifestyle, but like you said,

1329
01:01:51,760 --> 01:01:54,000
Speaker 1: there's things that I know I have that money or

1330
01:01:54,080 --> 01:01:57,120
Speaker 1: nothing else can buy, or me not having a kid,

1331
01:01:57,280 --> 01:01:59,880
Speaker 1: like I know that. And I feel bad for him

1332
01:02:00,000 --> 01:02:03,640
Speaker 1: because you lost someone that could potentially have been But

1333
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:08,439
Speaker 1: I'm happy. But it doesn't like yeah, and it could

1334
01:02:08,440 --> 01:02:10,680
Speaker 1: have went. He could have dragged this on and he couldn't.

1335
01:02:10,680 --> 01:02:13,240
Speaker 1: I appreciate that he was honest. I just wish a

1336
01:02:13,320 --> 01:02:19,160
Speaker 1: little more, you know. And I think a good thing

1337
01:02:19,200 --> 01:02:21,800
Speaker 1: that you said to to to the to the credit

1338
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:24,160
Speaker 1: your therapist is there's a Peter Crone idea. He goes,

1339
01:02:24,440 --> 01:02:26,080
Speaker 1: don't say I love you, say you show me what

1340
01:02:26,200 --> 01:02:28,640
Speaker 1: love is. You help reveal love and it's like, you

1341
01:02:28,720 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 1: don't love people, they help you see the love is

1342
01:02:31,240 --> 01:02:33,040
Speaker 1: always there. They just help you see what the love is.

1343
01:02:33,320 --> 01:02:36,040
Speaker 1: You don't hate people, they show you what your fears are. Yeah,

1344
01:02:36,080 --> 01:02:38,280
Speaker 1: love is a verb and from that capacity, but I

1345
01:02:38,360 --> 01:02:41,000
Speaker 1: think I think that's super important, especially when it comes

1346
01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:44,280
Speaker 1: to these situations where it's like, you know, there were

1347
01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:46,440
Speaker 1: elements of that. I brought that out to you, and

1348
01:02:46,680 --> 01:02:49,520
Speaker 1: you know again as me, the analogy I used for

1349
01:02:49,560 --> 01:02:51,560
Speaker 1: my breakup was like, look, if I have to go

1350
01:02:51,680 --> 01:02:53,200
Speaker 1: to you know, if I'm in New York, I have

1351
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:55,200
Speaker 1: to go to Boston and there's a private jet going

1352
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:57,200
Speaker 1: to l A and there's a cruise ship like going

1353
01:02:57,280 --> 01:02:59,920
Speaker 1: to Florida. No matter how beautiful and pretty and one

1354
01:03:00,080 --> 01:03:01,880
Speaker 1: full and luxurious they are, I can't go on though.

1355
01:03:01,920 --> 01:03:04,360
Speaker 1: They have to get on the bus to Boston, you know.

1356
01:03:04,520 --> 01:03:06,080
Speaker 1: And it's like that's what people are, so like, you

1357
01:03:06,160 --> 01:03:08,440
Speaker 1: could have been this beautiful private jet not taking him

1358
01:03:08,480 --> 01:03:11,320
Speaker 1: where he needed to go, and that's that's just on him.

1359
01:03:11,680 --> 01:03:13,440
Speaker 1: And I think that's just really important where we don't

1360
01:03:13,480 --> 01:03:16,080
Speaker 1: internalize these things for our value, and it's okay that

1361
01:03:16,200 --> 01:03:20,000
Speaker 1: we do because we grew up in small community societies

1362
01:03:20,440 --> 01:03:23,560
Speaker 1: where our value actually was connected to what everybody thought

1363
01:03:23,600 --> 01:03:26,080
Speaker 1: of us, because if they kicked us out of those tribes,

1364
01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:28,800
Speaker 1: we would have died, you know. So our fears of

1365
01:03:28,880 --> 01:03:32,320
Speaker 1: rejection feel like death because for ten thousands of years,

1366
01:03:32,440 --> 01:03:35,040
Speaker 1: it was death. And now we just have to realize

1367
01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:37,600
Speaker 1: we're no longer in those societies no more, and that

1368
01:03:37,720 --> 01:03:39,880
Speaker 1: doesn't matter here, you know, it's on with the next

1369
01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:42,480
Speaker 1: one over here. And that's just a really hard thing

1370
01:03:42,560 --> 01:03:46,240
Speaker 1: because that's software built into us that we can't do

1371
01:03:46,360 --> 01:03:48,120
Speaker 1: nothing about. And the only thing we can do is

1372
01:03:48,120 --> 01:03:51,040
Speaker 1: become aware of it and better understand it. And then

1373
01:03:51,080 --> 01:03:53,440
Speaker 1: when we feel it, take five seconds and be like, oh,

1374
01:03:54,280 --> 01:03:58,000
Speaker 1: I feel rejection, but I wasn't actually rejected. I just

1375
01:03:58,240 --> 01:04:01,120
Speaker 1: that's their story. That's where they're at. I wanted them

1376
01:04:01,160 --> 01:04:03,000
Speaker 1: to be a certain way. I wanted them to want

1377
01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:06,320
Speaker 1: certain things, but that's my expectations of them versus what

1378
01:04:06,440 --> 01:04:09,640
Speaker 1: my standards are, and my standards should be. I want

1379
01:04:09,680 --> 01:04:11,120
Speaker 1: to be with somebody who wants to be with me,

1380
01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:13,800
Speaker 1: and if they don't, then they don't meet my standards,

1381
01:04:13,920 --> 01:04:16,320
Speaker 1: then good luck, Yeah, good luck to them, and then

1382
01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:21,120
Speaker 1: let me keep it moving. On that note, girl, that note,

1383
01:04:22,120 --> 01:04:24,720
Speaker 1: but honestly humble. Thank you so much for coming through,

1384
01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:26,640
Speaker 1: you know, to talk to me. I'm glad we're still friends,

1385
01:04:26,640 --> 01:04:28,240
Speaker 1: even though I'm not on the breakfast class. And why

1386
01:04:28,360 --> 01:04:32,400
Speaker 1: why would it be not? I'm kidding, I'm totally kidding.

1387
01:04:33,640 --> 01:04:35,520
Speaker 1: I don't know. I remember our last conversation. I was

1388
01:04:35,560 --> 01:04:38,600
Speaker 1: just thanking you for ja Electronical. Just talked to him

1389
01:04:38,640 --> 01:04:42,320
Speaker 1: this morning. Is he doing any more music? Yeah? He did,

1390
01:04:42,480 --> 01:04:44,080
Speaker 1: actually has a lot of stuff. I can't even talk

1391
01:04:44,080 --> 01:04:45,680
Speaker 1: about it because I gotta let him do it about

1392
01:04:45,720 --> 01:04:48,840
Speaker 1: to happen. But yes, he's been working in Mexico because

1393
01:04:48,840 --> 01:04:50,800
Speaker 1: you called the last time to is he ever releasing music?

1394
01:04:51,000 --> 01:04:52,840
Speaker 1: Like he is? And I think it was maybe five

1395
01:04:52,880 --> 01:04:54,480
Speaker 1: months later he dropped the album with Jay, so I

1396
01:04:54,560 --> 01:04:59,680
Speaker 1: was like, okay, he's all right. Well again, um, we

1397
01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:03,480
Speaker 1: have the book right here, Yes for sure, because thank

1398
01:05:03,480 --> 01:05:05,920
Speaker 1: sure everybody see Yeah, she was so excited about this

1399
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:08,520
Speaker 1: How to Be Love? How you say it? How do

1400
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:10,040
Speaker 1: we say this? How to be love? Do you start

1401
01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:11,400
Speaker 1: with how to be Loved? And by the end of

1402
01:05:11,480 --> 01:05:13,640
Speaker 1: the book you realize how to be loved? All right?

1403
01:05:13,840 --> 01:05:16,040
Speaker 1: How about the poet? Thank you so much. We appreciate it.

1404
01:05:16,520 --> 01:05:21,040
Speaker 1: A great conversation, we're gonna do it again. Whenever listeners

1405
01:05:21,120 --> 01:05:23,800
Speaker 1: just went to therapy, let's service