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Speaker 1: Hi, Chip. Hello. While we were just talking because we're

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Speaker 1: so excited, we have a very special guest on today.

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Speaker 1: Jillian Tarekie is here with us. Hi Jillian. And I

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Speaker 1: was just telling Jillian and also Chip that we are

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Speaker 1: I posted on my Instagram about Jillian being on the podcast,

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Speaker 1: and you guys like freaked out. I don't know if

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Speaker 1: a lot of you must follow her as well, but

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Speaker 1: she's so wise with her relationship advice and has such

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Speaker 1: a big Instagram following and is here to answer all

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Speaker 1: of your relationship questions, which you guys flooded us with.

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Speaker 1: So we are going to go ahead and just like

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Speaker 1: really jump in really quickly. But I was actually I

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Speaker 1: wanted to talk a little bit about what you do

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Speaker 1: and how you got into this because I told you

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Speaker 1: I was researching earlier and I was like, you were

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Speaker 1: trained under Tony Robbins. What tell us a little bit

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Speaker 1: about your journey into getting into coaching. Oh, that's see,

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Speaker 1: where do I begin? Well? I, um, I was a

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Speaker 1: yoga teacher and had hot yoga for about seventeen years um,

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Speaker 1: and I would say like ten years into it, I

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Speaker 1: was wanting something more but didn't had no idea what

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Speaker 1: that was there was just like a craving inside. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I ended up meeting the man who would become my husband,

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Speaker 1: and then my ex husband and I got married, and

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Speaker 1: it was really really painful and difficult and a lot

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Speaker 1: of what you know, details I won't get into because

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Speaker 1: we can go in for an hour with that. UM

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Speaker 1: I outlined. I outlined some of it in my Heartbreak workbook,

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Speaker 1: but I I So I went through UM a really

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Speaker 1: painful relationship with him, and when it ended, it ended

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Speaker 1: very abruptly. And UM at the same time, my mom

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Speaker 1: had been diagnosed with lung cancer and only given a

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Speaker 1: couple of months to live. So here I was UM

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Speaker 1: the man who I thought I was going to grow

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Speaker 1: old with. And I had a belief system, and my

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Speaker 1: belief system was, you know, I don't want to ever

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Speaker 1: get divorced. I also had a belief system that said,

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Speaker 1: you know, if you're single at forty like you are,

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Speaker 1: or in your late thirties or forty like you're like, like,

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Speaker 1: what am I going to do? You know that ridiculous

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Speaker 1: belief system. And UM, I also went through a miscarriage,

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Speaker 1: So I went through a lot all on the day

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Speaker 1: that he left, and UM, it was devastating, and so

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Speaker 1: I definitely went through a dark night of the soul.

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Speaker 1: It was, I mean, it was the most It was

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Speaker 1: just horrible. I mean, my whole world was falling apart,

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Speaker 1: and um, I didn't know what I was going to do.

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Speaker 1: So I just remember that I was sitting outside because

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Speaker 1: I have a dog, and she made sure that I

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Speaker 1: got outside out otherwise I probably wouldn't have left my

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Speaker 1: apartment for a month. Um. And I was sitting the

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Speaker 1: day after my ex husband, you know, broke up with

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Speaker 1: me basically of the phone. And I was sitting outside

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Speaker 1: because it was June in New York and it was warm.

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Speaker 1: And I ran into a neighbor of mine who's now

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Speaker 1: a very dear friend of mine, who was also a

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Speaker 1: life coach at the time, and this was like, you know, not,

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Speaker 1: this was before everyone was a Life coach, right, every Yeah,

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Speaker 1: everyone was like actually honest, good teacher. Then, so, um,

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Speaker 1: I you know, spoke to her and started working with her,

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Speaker 1: and she said, you know, just to bring Tony into this,

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Speaker 1: She's just said, you know, do you ever listen to

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Speaker 1: Tony rob and stuff? And I was like the infomercial

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Speaker 1: guy because that's how I knew him. I was. I

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Speaker 1: was very much. I was very much in the yoga world,

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Speaker 1: but like personal development coaching world, I was not into

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Speaker 1: it at all. I mean this was now eight years ago,

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Speaker 1: so I, um, you know, there wasn't like I had

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Speaker 1: an Instagram account, but like never this was so much

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Speaker 1: has changed, you know obviously in eight years. So um

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Speaker 1: and I and he's like, I think you should listen

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Speaker 1: to him, you know, I think I think it will

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Speaker 1: will will help you. And I was very very um skeptical.

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Speaker 1: But she sent me some stuff that you know, you

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Speaker 1: couldn't find on YouTuber, couldn't find anywhere else. And she's like,

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Speaker 1: just watch this and I was like okay, and I did,

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Speaker 1: and I watched an intervention of his and that was it.

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Speaker 1: I was like this, I feel, I feel inspired. And

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Speaker 1: for me to feel inspired when inspired, when I literally

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Speaker 1: feel like it's taking everything, every part of my will

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Speaker 1: to stay alive, I was like, Okay, I'm just gonna

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Speaker 1: roll with this. So it was listening to him and

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Speaker 1: his methodology that actually helped me climb out of a hole.

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Speaker 1: And then I thought, Um. I went to an event

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Speaker 1: of his and there was a day where there was

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Speaker 1: a very big focus on relationships. And it was in

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Speaker 1: that moment I was like, oh, I understand what really

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Speaker 1: happened here. It was like the beginning of the understanding.

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Speaker 1: And I was absolutely determined to figure out why the

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Speaker 1: hell my relationship didn't last? Why none of my relationships last.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I've had some really nice relationships, but why

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Speaker 1: I was in this position and I was determined to

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Speaker 1: figure it out. And as I was figuring out, I

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Speaker 1: felt the same compulsion that I did when I started

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Speaker 1: practicing yoga um twenty over two years ago, which was

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Speaker 1: that I have to teach this. Yeah. I started to

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Speaker 1: teach it, and I started to teach it to my

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Speaker 1: students that I had already. I used to just do

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Speaker 1: these free talks and there would be like fifty people

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Speaker 1: who would show up and listen. And then I started

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Speaker 1: this newsletter and then I it just started and I

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Speaker 1: was like, this is what I have to help people with,

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Speaker 1: and the rest is history. Oh my gosh, I feel

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Speaker 1: like you're telling my story. I'm having that weird moment

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Speaker 1: right now where I just feel exactly the same things,

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Speaker 1: except I'm just now going or I just went through

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Speaker 1: maybe what Chip was talking about, like this last relationship

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Speaker 1: really pushed me into figuring out who I am. And

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Speaker 1: I don't know um exactly how you would describe this,

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Speaker 1: but what I read on your website and something I

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Speaker 1: really resonated with was the fact that like kind of

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Speaker 1: when you get into that dark knight of the soul

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Speaker 1: and you're analyzing like why the relationships didn't work, and

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Speaker 1: a lot of times I think we want to be like, well,

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Speaker 1: I just picked that partner and they weren't the right match,

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Speaker 1: but I picked actually the exact right partners. Every time,

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to change that narrative because I picked the

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Speaker 1: right partner to push me into looking at the stuff

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Speaker 1: within myself that's still needed to be healed or to

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Speaker 1: like myself in a different way than I've ever been

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Speaker 1: able to. And it did push me to develop such

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Speaker 1: a deeper connection to self, respect for myself, love for myself.

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Speaker 1: And when I was reading on your website, so much

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Speaker 1: of what you teach is based off of our relationships

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Speaker 1: with ourselves. So can you talk a little bit about that. Yeah, So,

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Speaker 1: whether you whether a person chooses wrong or chooses right,

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Speaker 1: or messes things up or whatever, it is every relationship

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Speaker 1: that we have, every romantic relationship lets just keep it

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Speaker 1: very specific to that will always be a reflection of

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Speaker 1: how you relate to yourself always, um. And it will

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Speaker 1: also always be a reflection of your level of skill.

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Speaker 1: And that skill, you know, is how work condition from child.

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Speaker 1: I mean, some people actually had better relationship skills than

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Speaker 1: others because of how they were raised, to be perfectly

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Speaker 1: honest and um. And it's not just how they were raised,

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Speaker 1: it's where they were raised, it's culture, it's everything. So um,

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Speaker 1: people think that if they're going to just change partners,

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Speaker 1: that that's enough of a solution. And sometimes that does

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Speaker 1: contribute to a solution. Sometimes you really just need to

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Speaker 1: be with someone who's better matched for you. But if

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Speaker 1: we're not willing to change, likely we're just going to

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Speaker 1: keep repeating the same patterns over and over and over again.

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Speaker 1: And so um that that relationship like the one that

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Speaker 1: you described and you know, my ex my marriage, when

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Speaker 1: you have that relationship that shakes you to the core,

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Speaker 1: to the point where you wake up, because really what

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Speaker 1: you're describing is like, oh, like waking up, you know,

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Speaker 1: because we're in a trance most of the time. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And then it's a blessing, honestly, I know that's like

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Speaker 1: a really overused word, but it kind of is. You

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Speaker 1: could see it as a blessing where you could see

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Speaker 1: it as a curse. And I think that anything that

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Speaker 1: wakes you up, that makes you look at things that um,

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Speaker 1: you've never been willing to look at before, you've been

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Speaker 1: in denial for there's been some sort of repression or

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Speaker 1: suppression there, I think is a gift. Yeah, I agree

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Speaker 1: with that. I think it's just so painful sometimes the

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Speaker 1: way that we get the path to getting there that

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Speaker 1: it is hard to be like, oh, I'm so grateful

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Speaker 1: for you know you hard, No, it is so hard.

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Speaker 1: It is really so hard. Well, And I think that

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Speaker 1: human nature too is like and you know this, I

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Speaker 1: think this happens in so many aspects of our lives,

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Speaker 1: like we are with like the advancement of technology and convenience,

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Speaker 1: like we were naturally we want everything to be easy,

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Speaker 1: you know, so wired for were wired for pleasure, and

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Speaker 1: we want it to be easy. And I catched myself

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Speaker 1: being guilty of it in so many areas of my life.

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Speaker 1: When it comes to work, I want it to be easy.

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Speaker 1: Like I'm like, oh, it's going to be so hard,

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Speaker 1: But it's like I also know that like on the

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Speaker 1: other side of it is satisfaction. But um, you know,

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Speaker 1: so many of us, myself included, we live in this

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Speaker 1: space where it's like we don't want to hurt, we

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Speaker 1: want it to be easy. We just want love to

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Speaker 1: be easy. So how do how do we overcome that? Well,

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Speaker 1: part of that, you have to is also very American totally.

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Speaker 1: You know, this is not this doesn't feel Yeah, this

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Speaker 1: is not this is This idea of wired for pleasure

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Speaker 1: and want everything to be easy is not universal. It's

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Speaker 1: very cultural. And I think that as Americans we are

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Speaker 1: wired for that and conditioned for that more than any

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Speaker 1: other culture. Yeah, and so so too. To overcome it

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Speaker 1: is also to understand it. And one of the things

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Speaker 1: you have to understand is like, Okay, this is this

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Speaker 1: is not really, this isn't this is not universal. This

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Speaker 1: is why I think so many people are drawn to

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Speaker 1: yoga teachings and Buddhist teachings and teachings of the East

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Speaker 1: because this is not that's not the belief system there.

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Speaker 1: And so if we are going to liberate ourselves from

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Speaker 1: um that sort of conditioning, which actually paradoxically leads to

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Speaker 1: so much pain, truly it's crazy. It's just time to

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Speaker 1: avoid is actually what you end up stuck in if

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Speaker 1: you don't let yourself feel right, Yeah, seriously lonesome, It's yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's very very lonesome. So learning how to be in

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Speaker 1: the discomfort is um, I have found to be very

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Speaker 1: very important. Understanding that, um, it's all a part of life,

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Speaker 1: and then making very conscious decisions to wise up, get

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Speaker 1: smarter m hm, and not in the in the world

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Speaker 1: of relationships often means, for example, like stop dating that

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Speaker 1: kind of person and stop being that person. So it's

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Speaker 1: you know, there's a combination of things, and so it's

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Speaker 1: a lot of hard truths, but when you face them,

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Speaker 1: you end up getting really good results and end up

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Speaker 1: being happier. Yeah, I always say to people, I think

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Speaker 1: it's funny because the big one I hear a lot

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Speaker 1: of people who don't want to feel the bad feelings

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Speaker 1: is I just want peace in my life. I just

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Speaker 1: want peace, And I'm like, the only way to actual

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Speaker 1: peace though, is to feel the feelings and like get

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Speaker 1: the peace from within. That's like that's the only piece

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Speaker 1: we can ever really find. I truly believe that. And

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Speaker 1: it's just interesting to watch us all like seek externally

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Speaker 1: and chase all the things and the relationship and the

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Speaker 1: I don't know, programmed fantasy world that we think that

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Speaker 1: we all need to live in. It's just really interesting

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Speaker 1: to me, Yeah, I can agree more. Yeah. Well, and

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Speaker 1: also to you run the risk of like feeling like

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Speaker 1: a fucking coward, you know, and like there's no peace

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Speaker 1: in that, because it's like you, you know that you're

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Speaker 1: the problem. You know, Oh if you don't face yourself, yeah,

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Speaker 1: you don't face things and you're like, oh, why am

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Speaker 1: I such a coward? Why can't I just do this?

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Speaker 1: And which puts you in a really unsettled place, like

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Speaker 1: there's no peace in that. I know, I know, it's

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Speaker 1: really Look, none of this is easy. It's not easy

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Speaker 1: when things are not when things are, life is filled

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Speaker 1: with things that don't work out. But when you see

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Speaker 1: a pattern of something consistently not working out, when all

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Speaker 1: you want is the opposite, you know, at some point

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Speaker 1: you have to say, like, you know, what's the common

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Speaker 1: denominator to me? And then to be able to actually

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Speaker 1: face that without hating yourself is where is That's the

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Speaker 1: hardest work. That really is the hardest work. M hmm. Well,

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Speaker 1: if people are interested in looking deeper within, they can go.

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Speaker 1: You guys can go check out Jillian's website. It's Jillian

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Speaker 1: Treky dot com. This is the kind of stuff that

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Speaker 1: she has courses on, you do private coaching sessions, there's workshops,

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Speaker 1: there's all sorts of info. There's a blog. I got

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Speaker 1: really deep on your website earlier. Oh yeah, there's just

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Speaker 1: so much great information. Are just different articles that you've

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Speaker 1: been interviewed on. Um, oh my god, the cheating micro cheating.

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Speaker 1: I've never heard of that. And I read this article

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Speaker 1: that you were a part of recently that was amazing.

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Speaker 1: So what's a while ago, a couple of years ago?

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Speaker 1: But I know, but but you know, life is weird

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Speaker 1: now two year three, something that was three years ago

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Speaker 1: feels like twenty years ago. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: decades ago. But anyway, you guys can check out Jillian's work.

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Speaker 1: There still really on Instagram at Jillian Tarecki. And I'll

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Speaker 1: put all of this in the description and will mention

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Speaker 1: at the end of the podcast. But I do want

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Speaker 1: to get into people's questions because, as I said, we

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Speaker 1: have a ton so let's get through what we can

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Speaker 1: today and we might just have to have you back

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Speaker 1: for a second session, Jillian. But okay, so Autumn asked.

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Speaker 1: Jillian says, to release chemistry, How do I know if

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Speaker 1: I'm falling in love without the spark? Oh no, I

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Speaker 1: don't believe I've in releasing chemistry. I think chemistry is

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Speaker 1: very important. Um, you have to have emotional, physical, psychological

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Speaker 1: chemistry with someone. You can't I mean unless you're someone

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Speaker 1: because I believe that they're you know, with all the

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Speaker 1: billions of people on the planet, not everybody wants a

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Speaker 1: sexual relationship with a partner. Some people really just want partnership,

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Speaker 1: believe it or not. But um, no, uniquemistry. But the

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Speaker 1: thing is is that if you have a pattern of

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Speaker 1: getting into these relationships that are super hot and heavy

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Speaker 1: in the beginning and then they just crash and burn,

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Speaker 1: then typically what's happening is that you're forming these really

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Speaker 1: strong attachments with people based just on chemistry. And the

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Speaker 1: thing is, when you have chemistry with someone, that doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that they're right, that they're a good match for you,

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that they're not. But I will say again,

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Speaker 1: if you have a pattern of like let's say you

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Speaker 1: have a pattern of toxic relationships of really unhealthy trauma bomb,

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Speaker 1: whatever you want to call it, unhealthy relationships and okay, guilty, okay, okay.

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Speaker 1: And usually in those scenarios, what's very common is that

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Speaker 1: there's strong chemistry. They're strong chemistry in the beginning. Then

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Speaker 1: if that is someone's pattern, then unfortunately, you have to

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Speaker 1: and this is gonna be shocking to some, you have

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Speaker 1: to stop trusting yourself when it comes to um, whoever

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Speaker 1: it is that you date, like you date men, Yes, yes, so, Um,

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Speaker 1: you can't really entirely trust yourself, then you can't trust

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Speaker 1: that in your in that case, in your case, you

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Speaker 1: can't really trust the deep chemistry totally. That's when you

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Speaker 1: have to question it. Um. But just just in general. Two,

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Speaker 1: for a relationship to really work, there has to be

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Speaker 1: more than chemistry. There has to be compatibility. There has

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Speaker 1: to be UM, shared vision, shared values. There has to

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Speaker 1: be what's that trust, all of that trust trust built? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: there's a trust, there has to be, UM. There has

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Speaker 1: to just be more. Yeah. Mutual respect keeps popping up

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Speaker 1: in my mind too. Oh yeah, well respect is very important.

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Speaker 1: And then and it takes time. People. What happens is

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Speaker 1: that there's a strong there's strong chemistry, and they will

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Speaker 1: totally ignore all the warning signs, all the red flags.

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Speaker 1: They'll start making excuses for behavior all because chemistry is

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Speaker 1: very very addictive. It's very very powerful, and if we're

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Speaker 1: not smart about it, we will start to make a

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Speaker 1: ton of excuses so that we can make this this

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Speaker 1: attachment happen. And that's a dangerous place to be. Someone

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Speaker 1: told me, and tell me if I'm getting this right,

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Speaker 1: but this is my pattern and it has been you know,

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Speaker 1: I told you my thirties are terrible, and I just

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Speaker 1: had this repeated pattern of I would be single for

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Speaker 1: a while and I was really working on myself and

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Speaker 1: my life was actually really good, and then I would

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Speaker 1: go into a dysfunctional relationship and just as you said,

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Speaker 1: the red flags were there, but I, because of my patterns,

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Speaker 1: would really try not to accept them. Like it was

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Speaker 1: just this thing. Um. But someone told me, like the

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Speaker 1: chemistry piece of not like if I I know it now,

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Speaker 1: I can see it, but like because when I remember

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Speaker 1: meeting my ex and shaking his hand and we had

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Speaker 1: this icontact contact that I knew, I was like, oop,

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Speaker 1: you should run around the other way, you should run

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Speaker 1: because it was that feeling. It's that deep thing that

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Speaker 1: I think we confused with chemistry. And what was taught

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Speaker 1: to me is that it's familiarity. And so because I

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Speaker 1: grew up in a chaotic household and with an alcoholic

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Speaker 1: father a lot of times, that is going to be

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Speaker 1: the thing that feels comfortable to me because it's familiar.

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Speaker 1: And so I confused that with like chemistry. Yes, and

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Speaker 1: so in that way, it is like I need to

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Speaker 1: date slower. I need to take my time to get

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Speaker 1: to know someone actually really pay attention and accept the

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Speaker 1: truth about who they are. There's two things I want

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Speaker 1: to I want to say about that, so when So

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Speaker 1: the first thing is, yes, so much of that has

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Speaker 1: to do with familiarity, but there's nothing important too as well.

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Speaker 1: Um that's really common with women, um who uh are

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Speaker 1: very drawn to what would be considered like the bad

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Speaker 1: boy archetype. Yeah, and this happens. This happens in gay

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Speaker 1: relationships as well. But like let's just say, let's just

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Speaker 1: take the bad boy archetype, and that archetype could be

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Speaker 1: a gay man or it could be a woman. Actually,

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Speaker 1: because we're just thinking archetypes, let's just put it in

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Speaker 1: since since you date man. Let's put in this in

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Speaker 1: this context. So a lot of women will be drawn

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Speaker 1: onto that archetype because the way that it's been, we've

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Speaker 1: been conditioned by that archetype to believe that he will

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Speaker 1: protect us. Right, So there's something very alluring to him.

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Speaker 1: He comes from he comes from like the wrong side

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Speaker 1: of the tracks or a dark past, but he's really

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Speaker 1: worked on himself, and so there's this We see him

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Speaker 1: as having this sort of inherent masculinity, and that masculinity

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Speaker 1: actually helps us get a lot more in touch with

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Speaker 1: our femininity, and we think, oh, he's going to protect me,

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Speaker 1: he's going to or he's going Another really um common

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Speaker 1: story is he's gonna be different with me and I'm

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Speaker 1: going to be the one who changes him. We all

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Speaker 1: want that story. We all want that because we've seen that,

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Speaker 1: and also because it is incredibly um we feel it's

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Speaker 1: impossible to not feel incredibly powerful as a woman to

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Speaker 1: think that we are the one that this where masculine

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Speaker 1: being has changed to choose us. I mean, it's very

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Speaker 1: very very empowering to feel that. But it's a lie, right, So, um,

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Speaker 1: So it's important to put into some sort of context

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Speaker 1: where you understand the sort of pathology of it, and

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Speaker 1: that it's not just it's familiar. Even though that's very

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Speaker 1: that is, I'm not doing that because that's also very true.

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Speaker 1: And so we have to recondition ourselves to understand that

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Speaker 1: actually that kind of guy is not going to contribute

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Speaker 1: to our lives. He's gonna he's gonna want attention, he's

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Speaker 1: gonna want sex, he's gonna want from us. He's not

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Speaker 1: going to give to us. And unfortunately so many women,

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Speaker 1: we've been conditioned to um really just keep giving and

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Speaker 1: to keep pleasing in our aationships to be enough to

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Speaker 1: be the one that's that's that's chosen. But it does

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Speaker 1: not work that way. We actually have to go into

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Speaker 1: a relationship feeling like we are deserving of actually being

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Speaker 1: given to that so that we are giving from a

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Speaker 1: place that's genuine, not from a place of trying to

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Speaker 1: prove our worth, because it all goes back to self worth.

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Speaker 1: And we have to recondition ourselves to understand that a

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Speaker 1: truly you know, quote, a man who's actually going to

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Speaker 1: protect us, to protect or honor right respect us. It

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Speaker 1: would be another way that I would say protection is

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Speaker 1: a man who's got who's has a high degree of

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Speaker 1: integrity and maturity and presence. He's not going to be

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Speaker 1: the other guy. So there's that. And then for the

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Speaker 1: other point that I wanted to make is that for

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Speaker 1: women like yourself who have this pattern and you said,

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Speaker 1: and you said very insightfully, like I need to go slow. Yeah, you.

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Speaker 1: The advice that I give those women is give the

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Speaker 1: man who you find interesting, you find interesting and that

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Speaker 1: you feel really comfortable around, give him the chance, because

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Speaker 1: that mental attraction could actually go down into your vagina.

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Speaker 1: But if you start with the vagina, it's going to

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Speaker 1: be a problem. You're messed up, right, It's going to

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Speaker 1: be a problem totally. And the interesting thing, like I

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Speaker 1: want to point this out to the listeners, is because

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Speaker 1: we mentioned a bad boy, and the interesting thing about

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Speaker 1: my stuff is it's never the bad boy. It is

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Speaker 1: the guy who looks like the nice guy, like I

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Speaker 1: don't know, and like that to me translates as safe.

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Speaker 1: And so sometimes I'll even like settle for something that

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Speaker 1: is not like it just isn't enough for me or

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Speaker 1: a match or anything. But I'm like, oh, I've been

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Speaker 1: out in the trenches with these bad boys, Like I'm

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Speaker 1: to like take pick the nice guy, because that'll be safe.

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Speaker 1: He'll be able to provide whatever, all that stuff you said,

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Speaker 1: protection and all the things. The main thing that I'm

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Speaker 1: learning is like it's it's a um actions matching words thing,

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Speaker 1: like because all the words of the quote unquote nice

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Speaker 1: guys sound exactly like what I would want to hear

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Speaker 1: and what you just described and all the things. But

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Speaker 1: if the actions aren't matching that in their respect and

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Speaker 1: the integrity and all that stuff isn't there. It's just

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Speaker 1: like the bad boy like they are they are just anything. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: integrity is matching words with actions. It's really what it Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so whatever the faces, it's it's looking at the stuff

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Speaker 1: that Jillian said, Yeah it's interesting. Okay. Um. The next

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Speaker 1: question says, how should I interpret a partner putting their

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Speaker 1: ex on a pedestal? This led to my last breakup. Um.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I would just need so much more information

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Speaker 1: to be able to answer that question, and you know,

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Speaker 1: I would need to know like is that X the

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Speaker 1: mother of their children? In Okay? Um, you know it's

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Speaker 1: that's a tough one because yeah, that's a tough one

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Speaker 1: because I want I would want to know more like

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Speaker 1: what is what does this person mean by them putting

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Speaker 1: them on a pedestal? Like, Okay, so let's just I'll

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Speaker 1: just make some assumptions. So let's just say they don't

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Speaker 1: have they still have unfinished business with their X. So

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Speaker 1: let's just go with that. Okay, that's a problem, Yes,

427
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:32,120
Speaker 1: straight up, it's a problem. Um if they are still

428
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:37,960
Speaker 1: just um, Like I've had clients where they start dating

429
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:41,040
Speaker 1: a man who's divorced and maybe they've been divorced a

430
00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,280
Speaker 1: couple of years. Right, I'm not saying they're just going

431
00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 1: through a divorce. They've literally they're legitimate divorced a couple

432
00:26:45,800 --> 00:26:49,600
Speaker 1: of years. But somehow they're like afraid to move on

433
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:52,440
Speaker 1: because they don't want to upset the ex wife. Like

434
00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 1: I've seen that a lot. Peace, Like, you don't need

435
00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:00,200
Speaker 1: that in your life at all. So when so that's

436
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 1: what I mean by unfinished business with the X. If

437
00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,040
Speaker 1: they're still tethered. I mean they might be tethered because

438
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,719
Speaker 1: they share children, they might be tethered because they're friends.

439
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:12,080
Speaker 1: But if they're tethered in such a way that they're

440
00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:17,240
Speaker 1: not you know, putting making you the focal point, and

441
00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: they're still making the X the focal point. Yeah, it's

442
00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:23,440
Speaker 1: a problem. Can you talk a little more about unfinished

443
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 1: business because I actually think that that. Um. The reason

444
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:29,359
Speaker 1: I say that is I have a friend who's just

445
00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:33,679
Speaker 1: in a dating relationship and it's exactly what you're describing of. Um,

446
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,119
Speaker 1: they've been divorced a couple of years. This other this

447
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: guy she's dating and he but he's still sort of

448
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,480
Speaker 1: has this tie to taking care of her. And so

449
00:27:43,840 --> 00:27:46,119
Speaker 1: to me, I've said similar things. I'm like, that feels

450
00:27:46,119 --> 00:27:48,560
Speaker 1: like unfinished business and like a connection. So what is

451
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: unfinished business? What can it look like? Well, yeah, it

452
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:59,080
Speaker 1: could feel like um, still feeling emotionally responsible for the X,

453
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:03,600
Speaker 1: you know, like like there's still there's still a dependency there,

454
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:08,840
Speaker 1: whether it's like, oh, they're upset, so I don't want

455
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 1: to do anything to upset them, or I want to

456
00:28:11,119 --> 00:28:12,800
Speaker 1: be to take I want to be the person who's

457
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:16,000
Speaker 1: still taking care of them, like they're still they're still

458
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 1: in relationship in a way that seems sort of like

459
00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,600
Speaker 1: a relationship. You know they're not, so that would be

460
00:28:22,680 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 1: the unfinished business, like you still feel you still feel

461
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:31,879
Speaker 1: like you know, they still go to you when they're upset,

462
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:36,000
Speaker 1: as opposed to going to someone else or you're you

463
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 1: are you know, maybe you're going through a breakup or

464
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:45,200
Speaker 1: through a divorce and things are still very sticky and weblike.

465
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,520
Speaker 1: I don't recommend getting involved in that. No, I made

466
00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:59,880
Speaker 1: that mistake too. Um. I also was thinking what the

467
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,640
Speaker 1: kids thing, Like, obviously you're gonna have to have a

468
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 1: connection with your ex if you shared children. But I

469
00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 1: do I have experienced, like are observed certain friends of

470
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,720
Speaker 1: mine who have that dynamic. But it's about like boundaries

471
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 1: and so it doesn't really like infiltrate their current relationships

472
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,720
Speaker 1: if they keep the boundaries like, it's definitely possible. It

473
00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:24,320
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be so enmeshed. Of course, it's possible.

474
00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:26,600
Speaker 1: And look, you know, the best case scenario is that

475
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:30,160
Speaker 1: they best because scenarios if you are dating someone who's

476
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:34,600
Speaker 1: divorced with kids that he or she has a has

477
00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 1: a has a good relationship with their ex rights not

478
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,920
Speaker 1: an enshed one, right, But you know, first of all,

479
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:47,600
Speaker 1: unfinished business could also look like they're constantly fighting. M Yeah,

480
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,280
Speaker 1: kind of the same coin, but two sides exactly. I'd

481
00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:55,440
Speaker 1: rather than be in haven't have a really nice co

482
00:29:55,640 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 1: parenting relationship totally, Yeah, whatever, it is that like gets

483
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:06,120
Speaker 1: in the way of your connection with your partner? Exactly? Yeah, okay, okay.

484
00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,360
Speaker 1: The next question says, you love and care for someone,

485
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:10,719
Speaker 1: but they can't meet your needs. You end it. How

486
00:30:10,760 --> 00:30:14,880
Speaker 1: do you deal with the grief? Mm hmm. I wrote

487
00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,720
Speaker 1: an entire workbook for this. This is how you deal

488
00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: with the grief. Um. You know, breaking up. Heartbreak is

489
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:31,880
Speaker 1: an emotional catastrophe. It's the spiritual meltdown. Not everyone, but

490
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,880
Speaker 1: the ones that are really bad are you know. I mean,

491
00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:36,560
Speaker 1: I had to grieve the death and my mom. I

492
00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 1: had to greet my husband, and there were times where

493
00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 1: grieving him was harder than grieving my mom. Not long term,

494
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:48,640
Speaker 1: but it's just, you know, it's really really intense. So um,

495
00:30:49,560 --> 00:30:53,400
Speaker 1: there's stages to this. When you're in the acute stages

496
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 1: of grief, you just have to first of all, get

497
00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:58,560
Speaker 1: yourself in therapy. If you can, get yourself in a

498
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: support group, you know, surround yourself with the people who

499
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:07,240
Speaker 1: love you and care about you. Don't isolate. Try to

500
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:10,560
Speaker 1: stick to your routines as best as you can. Drink

501
00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:12,840
Speaker 1: a lot of water, make sure you're eating food, you know,

502
00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:15,360
Speaker 1: because of some people can barely peel themselves out of bed,

503
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 1: So that would be the acute stage. Um, and then

504
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:24,400
Speaker 1: you want to start then progressing to a stage where

505
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:27,240
Speaker 1: you allow yourself to also have some joys. So let's

506
00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 1: just say you're not totally over the person, but you

507
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,520
Speaker 1: can make space in your day where you're not constantly

508
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,320
Speaker 1: thinking about that person. So allow yourself to have some joy,

509
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:41,840
Speaker 1: try new things. Um, you know, see your friends, have

510
00:31:42,080 --> 00:31:45,240
Speaker 1: a laugh, do whatever you have to do, and then

511
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 1: you know this is sort of interwoven into it. Figure

512
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 1: out you know what went wrong and when okay. So

513
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:58,720
Speaker 1: in throughout feel your feelings. But it's really important that

514
00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:01,160
Speaker 1: you don't get stuck in the really hard feelings because

515
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 1: that's what people tend to do. People people do one

516
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 1: of two things with feelings that is not healthy. They

517
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:13,640
Speaker 1: either repress them or they get stuck too long in

518
00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:17,480
Speaker 1: one particular stage of grief. Either they're stuck in depression

519
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,160
Speaker 1: that they're stuck in anger and they can't they're like

520
00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:23,680
Speaker 1: not moving on. So it's you know, great book is

521
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,320
Speaker 1: Letting Go by David Hawkins. So that's it teaches you

522
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:29,520
Speaker 1: how to feel your feelings and like go feel your feelings,

523
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:31,360
Speaker 1: like oh, you need to process that's why talking to

524
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 1: a therapist, just like getting it all out journaling helps

525
00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:37,240
Speaker 1: you process because what you eventually want, what you want

526
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:40,240
Speaker 1: to get to is you want to understand your part

527
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,960
Speaker 1: and they're a part. You really want to try to

528
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:47,880
Speaker 1: get as objective as you can, because the mental gymnastics

529
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 1: in the beginning will be blaming yourself then blaming the other,

530
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 1: than blaming yourself and blaming the other, and it's um torture.

531
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:56,560
Speaker 1: So you really want to get to a point where

532
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:59,280
Speaker 1: you understand. When you understand your part, you understand their part,

533
00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 1: and then ultimately you kind of change the story that

534
00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,480
Speaker 1: you have because you everyone has in their grief the

535
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:09,200
Speaker 1: story of what happened and what went down, and you

536
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,720
Speaker 1: don't have perspective, do not you really when you when

537
00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:16,920
Speaker 1: this just happens and you're in when you're within the

538
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 1: throes of all the pain, you cannot see clearly. And

539
00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:26,480
Speaker 1: that's about anything in life. So you have to understand

540
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:32,840
Speaker 1: that you are completely understandably, but you're completely deluded. And

541
00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:36,080
Speaker 1: then as you start to get perspective, you start to

542
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,560
Speaker 1: see like, okay, there was a lesson in this, Oh

543
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 1: I see my partners, oh I see their part in this, Wait,

544
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,040
Speaker 1: what else could this mean? Maybe I was meant to

545
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:49,400
Speaker 1: you know, So then that's hopefully that's what I like

546
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,480
Speaker 1: to help people with start to think about and reflect

547
00:33:52,560 --> 00:33:55,000
Speaker 1: on it over time in ways that actually start to

548
00:33:55,720 --> 00:34:00,600
Speaker 1: empower you rather than getting stuck on I see people,

549
00:34:00,720 --> 00:34:02,720
Speaker 1: you know, they write to me and there's like, it's

550
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,080
Speaker 1: been ten years and I'm still so angry. It's been

551
00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: ten years and I'm still so sad. I'm like, that

552
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:12,279
Speaker 1: breaks my heart totally. There's totally stuck in a in

553
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:16,359
Speaker 1: a in a frame of thinking that that's deluding them. Yeah,

554
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:20,000
Speaker 1: and you're not living then, not living now, And then

555
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:21,800
Speaker 1: you think, and then you think you're gonna let that

556
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:25,120
Speaker 1: person or that relationship rob you of your whole life.

557
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:34,200
Speaker 1: Come on, exactly? Do you think that there's a a

558
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:37,640
Speaker 1: distinction between the type of grief that you feel when

559
00:34:37,680 --> 00:34:40,239
Speaker 1: you lose a loved one versus when you go through

560
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 1: a break up, Because when someone passes away, it's definitive

561
00:34:44,680 --> 00:34:47,080
Speaker 1: they are gone. You are never going to see them again.

562
00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:50,719
Speaker 1: You might have memories of them, or you might have

563
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 1: something reminds you of them, like that you used to

564
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:56,359
Speaker 1: do or their favorite place or a song or whatever,

565
00:34:57,120 --> 00:34:59,479
Speaker 1: but when you break up with a person, there's there's

566
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:01,799
Speaker 1: the what if, Well, what if I see them at

567
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:04,480
Speaker 1: the grocery store with their new person? You know how

568
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:07,719
Speaker 1: like you can create so many what ifs in your

569
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:09,800
Speaker 1: mind that make it a lot harder to move on.

570
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:16,160
Speaker 1: So is there is the acute stage of grief longer? Yeah,

571
00:35:16,200 --> 00:35:20,120
Speaker 1: that's right, because yeah, it's really hard. And that's why.

572
00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:22,080
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've ever felt this, but I've

573
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:24,359
Speaker 1: certainly felt this, and I've had dozens of clients say

574
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 1: this to me. It would you know, I've had these

575
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 1: thoughts like it would be easier if they died. I

576
00:35:30,239 --> 00:35:33,400
Speaker 1: wish they had died, because then at least you know,

577
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,319
Speaker 1: because to be grieving someone who you know is still

578
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:41,080
Speaker 1: out in the world and doing things is really, really,

579
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:44,239
Speaker 1: really hard. So the grief is the same. But there

580
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:49,960
Speaker 1: are times, um you have to you have to grieve

581
00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:52,800
Speaker 1: them as though they did die, because the reality is

582
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,719
Speaker 1: is at the person that you thought that they were,

583
00:35:57,080 --> 00:36:01,439
Speaker 1: first of all died, the relationship did die. Um, even

584
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,560
Speaker 1: if it changes form, even if you're able to be

585
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:06,560
Speaker 1: friends later, what you had is no longer in existence

586
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 1: who you were in that relationship. So there's so much

587
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:15,839
Speaker 1: death and rebirth. So yeah, it's really in that way. Um,

588
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,759
Speaker 1: in that way, what makes grieving harder when you break

589
00:36:20,840 --> 00:36:23,200
Speaker 1: up with someone, it's that there's a there's an acute

590
00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:28,240
Speaker 1: anxiety to it that you don't always feel as intensely

591
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 1: as someone actually if we died, because you're like, I

592
00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 1: could run into them. What's going to happen when I

593
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:35,640
Speaker 1: find out that they've moved on? What if they have

594
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:37,880
Speaker 1: a relationship before I do? You know, all of that

595
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:43,560
Speaker 1: it's help and then it's not help. Yeah, that description

596
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:45,719
Speaker 1: that really hit me. I got really teariad. I think

597
00:36:45,760 --> 00:36:49,359
Speaker 1: it's like, um to me. All I was thinking when

598
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:52,320
Speaker 1: you were saying that was just maybe when someone actually dies,

599
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,359
Speaker 1: the acceptance peace can come a little quicker because it's

600
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:58,319
Speaker 1: just like it's just they're like they're dead, that there's

601
00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:03,799
Speaker 1: not well, it's it's it's it's hard to say. Look,

602
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:09,319
Speaker 1: the reality is that in the beginning it might feel

603
00:37:09,400 --> 00:37:11,759
Speaker 1: harder to go through a breakup, but if someone who

604
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:14,160
Speaker 1: lost her mom and you know, I was very close

605
00:37:14,239 --> 00:37:20,600
Speaker 1: with her, that is much harder. Yes, it is long. Ultimately,

606
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,000
Speaker 1: it's it's a much longer process because you don't actually

607
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:27,399
Speaker 1: you don't ever stop grieving, but you don't. But you're

608
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:30,920
Speaker 1: not in the acute stages of these, but it's it

609
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:34,480
Speaker 1: is completely I mean not the grief, but like the

610
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:38,160
Speaker 1: action that you're grieving from is completely out of your control.

611
00:37:38,239 --> 00:37:41,200
Speaker 1: So maybe it's a little easier to accept like that

612
00:37:41,320 --> 00:37:42,800
Speaker 1: was out of my control. I had nothing to do

613
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:45,160
Speaker 1: with it, unless there's you know, obviously there's layers in

614
00:37:45,200 --> 00:37:49,160
Speaker 1: their situations. But um, you know, if if you're a

615
00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:52,359
Speaker 1: loved one dies of natural causes and it's completely out

616
00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:54,719
Speaker 1: of your control, that might you might be able to

617
00:37:54,719 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: get to acceptance a little bit faster where it's like

618
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:00,200
Speaker 1: you can yourself. You could be angry like of some

619
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,239
Speaker 1: many other layers to the grief of a breakup that

620
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,759
Speaker 1: I you know, I honestly, I don't think it's something

621
00:38:05,840 --> 00:38:08,279
Speaker 1: that can really be compared in many ways because it's

622
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:10,080
Speaker 1: like it depends first of all, who died. Is it

623
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 1: your grandparents who died? Or was it mom who died

624
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,480
Speaker 1: too young with lung cancer? You know, was it like

625
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,080
Speaker 1: your father who you hate it anyway? Like, you know, Like,

626
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:26,040
Speaker 1: so it's definitely complicated, but I think that what is

627
00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:30,600
Speaker 1: really underneath it all is that people have to really

628
00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:35,160
Speaker 1: understand that when they go through a breakup, that that

629
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,480
Speaker 1: is an intense grief as though someone had died. And

630
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:42,320
Speaker 1: I think that that's almost comforting for some people to

631
00:38:42,480 --> 00:38:47,680
Speaker 1: understand that what they're going through is that catastrophic emotionally,

632
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:50,080
Speaker 1: and that it's okay to go through all that. And

633
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:53,799
Speaker 1: then yeah, then also, like you said, the added layer

634
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 1: of like, but they didn't die, but it feels like

635
00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,360
Speaker 1: they did, and I kind of wish they did. It

636
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 1: would be easy. It's just it's really tough. There's a lot. Yeah,

637
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:06,640
Speaker 1: there's a lot. Okay, this one says struggling. We kind

638
00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:09,160
Speaker 1: of talked about this earlier, struggling with being dumped and

639
00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:16,080
Speaker 1: still being single in my mid thirties. Um, so it

640
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,120
Speaker 1: depends you wove that in if it's a woman who

641
00:39:18,239 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 1: wants babies, it's a woman. So if she wanted babies,

642
00:39:22,800 --> 00:39:27,839
Speaker 1: I'd say go get your your eggs, free your eggs. Yes,

643
00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:31,759
Speaker 1: just do it so that you can just relax a

644
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:36,160
Speaker 1: little bit. Sure, just take a little bit of the

645
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:39,759
Speaker 1: pressure off. Yeah, I think I I always recommend that.

646
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:45,520
Speaker 1: Um And let's say so that's that's a big part

647
00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:49,759
Speaker 1: of what freaks women out. That's the biggest. That's a

648
00:39:49,800 --> 00:39:53,239
Speaker 1: lot of pressure. It's a lot of pressure, and it's

649
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:56,560
Speaker 1: the biological clock is a real thing. So that's not

650
00:39:56,640 --> 00:40:00,400
Speaker 1: a belief system thing. That's just facts. So would say

651
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: get practical and go feat your eggs, um. And I

652
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:07,360
Speaker 1: would also say, if you really want a family and

653
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:10,600
Speaker 1: you want kids, figure out what the hell went wrong

654
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:16,319
Speaker 1: and fix it and then get yourself back out there fast. Yeah.

655
00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:21,560
Speaker 1: And also, like I we when we were talking, you

656
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,800
Speaker 1: were mentioning, um, your mentor who is in her eighties,

657
00:40:24,880 --> 00:40:27,279
Speaker 1: and I was talking. I always bring up Normacmalley on

658
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 1: this podcast too, and she's in her seventies, and just

659
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:33,759
Speaker 1: kind of like taking some of that pressure that we

660
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:36,520
Speaker 1: just put on ourselves off and being like when I

661
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,080
Speaker 1: read this now, and you know, I'm about to turn

662
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,719
Speaker 1: forty in a couple of weeks, and I'm just getting

663
00:40:41,760 --> 00:40:44,359
Speaker 1: to this place of acceptance of like, hey, like life

664
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:47,600
Speaker 1: isn't over. I actually feel like really excited for my

665
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:51,799
Speaker 1: forties now. And I'm single, like I'm not in a relationship,

666
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:54,520
Speaker 1: and I actually feel great about it. I don't feel pressure.

667
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,400
Speaker 1: Actually felt more pressure at thirty five, and it was

668
00:40:57,760 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 1: of the biological clock. Um. But I do think that

669
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:03,440
Speaker 1: it's like, as women, we just need to start having

670
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,520
Speaker 1: the conversation like life is not over, there's nothing wrong

671
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:09,759
Speaker 1: or like you're not defective if you're single at a

672
00:41:09,840 --> 00:41:12,680
Speaker 1: certain age. It's just like everyone's on a different journey.

673
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:19,920
Speaker 1: Again an American thing, yes, because in Europe it's very different.

674
00:41:20,040 --> 00:41:23,920
Speaker 1: You see women in their fifties and sixties, beautiful, loving it,

675
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:30,400
Speaker 1: having affairs, having relationships, not having they don't feel older,

676
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:36,200
Speaker 1: and the men are not like they're not dating the

677
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:41,720
Speaker 1: little girls there. So, um, it is very very cultural,

678
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:44,760
Speaker 1: and yet people really do have to remove the pressure,

679
00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,279
Speaker 1: and a part of that is understanding. I think it's

680
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,960
Speaker 1: helpful to understand that that like that, that is very

681
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:53,279
Speaker 1: much part of our culture, and that you see that

682
00:41:53,400 --> 00:42:00,480
Speaker 1: anywhere else. And it's ridiculous because you know, um, we

683
00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:05,600
Speaker 1: we live a lot longer than our ancestors did. So

684
00:42:06,239 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 1: you know, for many people's life is just beginning in

685
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: their forties, right, right, And it's all It's also you know,

686
00:42:14,040 --> 00:42:16,360
Speaker 1: depending on where in the US you live, it's a

687
00:42:17,000 --> 00:42:24,600
Speaker 1: New Yorker state of mind is very different than you know. Yeah, absolutely, absolutely,

688
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:27,720
Speaker 1: that's very true. All I know is after this podcast,

689
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:33,239
Speaker 1: I might contemplate moving to Europe. Um, Okay, what are

690
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:37,520
Speaker 1: the importance of labels? Does this protect women in most cases?

691
00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:42,320
Speaker 1: What kind of labels? Relationship? Labels is what I'm guessing, like,

692
00:42:42,760 --> 00:42:46,279
Speaker 1: are we a boyfriend girlfriend? That kind of thing? Oh,

693
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:49,520
Speaker 1: I think they're very important. How do too? Yeah, I

694
00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:52,960
Speaker 1: think it's very important. I think it's you know that

695
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:55,440
Speaker 1: person that says, oh, we don't have to label it.

696
00:42:55,640 --> 00:43:00,360
Speaker 1: I'm very suspicious of that person. Why why you know,

697
00:43:00,600 --> 00:43:05,680
Speaker 1: like what is that all about? Um? But I do

698
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:09,000
Speaker 1: think that this anxiety to label it, like as soon

699
00:43:09,040 --> 00:43:12,080
Speaker 1: as you meet someone, is that's something that you have

700
00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:15,400
Speaker 1: to overcome, like give it some time. You know, people

701
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:19,000
Speaker 1: are so in a rush to get to the commitment

702
00:43:19,239 --> 00:43:21,840
Speaker 1: because they want the certainty and the security that the

703
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:24,719
Speaker 1: commitment will give them. And the hardest thing is to

704
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:27,880
Speaker 1: actually for the hardest thing for people to do in

705
00:43:27,920 --> 00:43:30,560
Speaker 1: the dating phase is to kind of just enjoy that

706
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:35,440
Speaker 1: phase and see it grow and develop into something very

707
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:40,279
Speaker 1: very difficult. So um So my answer to that is,

708
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:43,879
Speaker 1: don't if you notice that you're trying to rush into

709
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:47,279
Speaker 1: a commitment, like give it some time. But you know,

710
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:49,960
Speaker 1: if you're seeing each other and it's growing and it's building,

711
00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:52,120
Speaker 1: and you're like, you know, where is this going? What

712
00:43:52,239 --> 00:43:54,040
Speaker 1: are your thoughts? Like, are we going to make this

713
00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:59,120
Speaker 1: into something? I I'm all for labels. Yeah, I totally

714
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:01,680
Speaker 1: agree with you about the suspicion because I'm like, but why,

715
00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:04,600
Speaker 1: like if? And then to me, that's we go back

716
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,520
Speaker 1: to the integrity piece, Like if you're living in a

717
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:11,359
Speaker 1: place of integrity, then you're communicating about what you want,

718
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:14,319
Speaker 1: like what your expectations are and all of those things.

719
00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 1: If you're not able to do that, and you're like, oh,

720
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:18,640
Speaker 1: let's just see what happens to me, they all go

721
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:28,239
Speaker 1: in line. Okay, um, let's see how do this one

722
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:29,759
Speaker 1: was as a long and we'll save that one for

723
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:36,240
Speaker 1: the next podcast. Boundaries around fidelity versus infidelity? I'm healing

724
00:44:36,360 --> 00:44:42,600
Speaker 1: from a betrayal? What was the question? How do you

725
00:44:42,719 --> 00:44:47,200
Speaker 1: define boundaries around fidelity and infidelity, especially when you're healing

726
00:44:47,320 --> 00:44:50,439
Speaker 1: from a betrayal? So I imagine either I think there's

727
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: two narratives we could take here. Is one is she's

728
00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:57,120
Speaker 1: in the relationship and was betrayed by her current partner. Too,

729
00:44:57,120 --> 00:44:59,920
Speaker 1: would be a betrayal from the past and then moving

730
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:03,400
Speaker 1: into a new relationship. What kind of boundaries can you

731
00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:06,800
Speaker 1: set up, especially if you have trauma maybe around trial

732
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:09,880
Speaker 1: from the past. Yeah, So you know, infidelities is a

733
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:14,920
Speaker 1: really big topic. So you know, if you're if you're

734
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,040
Speaker 1: in a relationship or a marriage and you're trying to

735
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:20,200
Speaker 1: heal from fidelity, Um, you need to be in therapy,

736
00:45:20,880 --> 00:45:24,840
Speaker 1: both of you together. That's that's you can't do it

737
00:45:24,920 --> 00:45:27,840
Speaker 1: without that. And people can definitely bounce back from it,

738
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:30,520
Speaker 1: for sure. It depends on the nature of the infidelity.

739
00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 1: It depends on the relationship, depends on so many different things. So, um,

740
00:45:35,600 --> 00:45:38,319
Speaker 1: I and I hear of people all the time trying

741
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:41,480
Speaker 1: to get through it without actually being a couple's counseling.

742
00:45:41,600 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: And that's a mistake. Yeah, got again into hard yeah. Um.

743
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:51,719
Speaker 1: You know, I've worked with many people, particularly women who

744
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:57,640
Speaker 1: have been cheated on repeatedly in the past, and so

745
00:45:57,760 --> 00:46:00,799
Speaker 1: they get really nervous when they're going into a new relationship.

746
00:46:02,520 --> 00:46:05,040
Speaker 1: And one of the things that I've helped how I

747
00:46:05,160 --> 00:46:08,400
Speaker 1: helped them is you know, because then they developed this

748
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:12,279
Speaker 1: belief system of they always cheat, like you know, men

749
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:14,160
Speaker 1: are all cheaters or women are all cheaters, you know,

750
00:46:15,440 --> 00:46:20,799
Speaker 1: And I always say, no, you choose the cheaters, and um,

751
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:25,800
Speaker 1: so I help them. What it's really important if you

752
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:28,840
Speaker 1: have a history of being cheated on for you to

753
00:46:29,040 --> 00:46:32,799
Speaker 1: reflect back on the red flags that were very much

754
00:46:32,920 --> 00:46:40,320
Speaker 1: presented to you that you chose to ignore, yes, and

755
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:43,760
Speaker 1: to make a list of all of them. Yeah, write

756
00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:46,560
Speaker 1: them down so you're very very clear, so that when

757
00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,880
Speaker 1: you meet someone new and any of those come up,

758
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 1: you do you you break up with the person, you

759
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:56,279
Speaker 1: stop seeing them, you talked about whatever it is. They're

760
00:46:56,320 --> 00:47:00,799
Speaker 1: always there, like they're they're always there and everyway there. Yeah.

761
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:04,120
Speaker 1: And every single woman who I've worked with who had

762
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:06,320
Speaker 1: that history when I asked him that question, that are like,

763
00:47:06,360 --> 00:47:08,800
Speaker 1: oh my god, yes I knew, and there was just

764
00:47:08,960 --> 00:47:10,760
Speaker 1: this and this and that, and I was like, okay,

765
00:47:10,840 --> 00:47:12,680
Speaker 1: there you go. Now these are the things that you

766
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,759
Speaker 1: look for, and when you spot it in the next

767
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:19,160
Speaker 1: relationship for you, you're like, that's a deal breaker. I'm out,

768
00:47:20,280 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 1: that's a deal breaker. Will first communicate, but usually in's

769
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:27,040
Speaker 1: you know, listen to your instinct. Yeah, it's it's it's

770
00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:30,360
Speaker 1: a deal breaker because usually the things that happened that

771
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:35,759
Speaker 1: were the red flags should be deal breakers. Rights. Yeah.

772
00:47:36,520 --> 00:47:39,520
Speaker 1: The interesting thing about women and I mean, maybe this

773
00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:42,360
Speaker 1: is a generalization. But something that I'm learning on my

774
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:47,520
Speaker 1: journey is my intuition fucking knows, Like I know, I

775
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:50,080
Speaker 1: know every time. The biggest mistake I make is not

776
00:47:50,239 --> 00:47:52,600
Speaker 1: trusting it or letting someone talk me out of it.

777
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:58,239
Speaker 1: So like in my forties, you better watch out if,

778
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:01,080
Speaker 1: like if my gut starts talk talking to me, I'm listening,

779
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,200
Speaker 1: like I don't know, I don't care if I don't

780
00:48:03,239 --> 00:48:06,040
Speaker 1: know the full story or whatever. But like when I

781
00:48:06,160 --> 00:48:08,200
Speaker 1: look back, just like what you're saying at all of

782
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:11,760
Speaker 1: my relationships, I knew the whole time, and the only

783
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:16,680
Speaker 1: thing that UM made me not know I'm doing air

784
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:19,600
Speaker 1: quotes right now is that either the other person tried

785
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:21,719
Speaker 1: to talk me out of it or I tried to

786
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:23,719
Speaker 1: talk to me out of it because it meant having

787
00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:27,000
Speaker 1: to make a hard decision, and so it ends up

788
00:48:27,080 --> 00:48:30,400
Speaker 1: making you crazy because you're just like you're not listening

789
00:48:30,440 --> 00:48:32,080
Speaker 1: to your body. Your head is trying to be like no,

790
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,320
Speaker 1: because if you listen to your body, then we have

791
00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:37,439
Speaker 1: to leave or whatever it is. But like it only

792
00:48:37,600 --> 00:48:41,000
Speaker 1: causes you more pain to not listen to your gut.

793
00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:44,440
Speaker 1: It's exactly right. Yeah, that's why I was just like,

794
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:49,480
Speaker 1: they're always there. Yeah, And tuition is so important, especially

795
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:54,600
Speaker 1: with women. I think you just know that's how we're wired. Yes, yes,

796
00:48:54,840 --> 00:48:58,919
Speaker 1: it's a gift. I don't think. Well now, I'm just like, look,

797
00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:02,560
Speaker 1: there is always there's always that that small percentage of

798
00:49:02,680 --> 00:49:07,400
Speaker 1: chance that you're wrong. But I think I'm not. I'm

799
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:10,920
Speaker 1: not saying you inticular, but there is a chance that

800
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: you're wrong. But and I think it's then your responsibility

801
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 1: to decide whether or not, like you would rather be

802
00:49:17,239 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 1: wrong or live with this like feeling that you just

803
00:49:21,320 --> 00:49:25,360
Speaker 1: don't like and and and clearly there's a trust issue

804
00:49:25,440 --> 00:49:30,240
Speaker 1: somewhere else. If it's not infidelity that's happening, it's something

805
00:49:30,320 --> 00:49:32,400
Speaker 1: else is going on that just means that you're probably

806
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:36,160
Speaker 1: not compatible. Here's a trick for that though, Like the

807
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 1: twenty four hour rule is one that I feel like,

808
00:49:39,520 --> 00:49:42,319
Speaker 1: if I'm wrong, the gut feeling goes away in twenty

809
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:45,920
Speaker 1: four hours, and it's like, I'm peaceful if i'm If

810
00:49:45,960 --> 00:49:50,040
Speaker 1: it's accurate, the gut feeling won't go away like it's

811
00:49:50,200 --> 00:49:54,480
Speaker 1: nagging yep, exactly. So if you can wait twenty four

812
00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 1: hours to actually like make a decision or whatever, then

813
00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:00,640
Speaker 1: it's I don't know, to me, it's it went away,

814
00:50:00,719 --> 00:50:02,520
Speaker 1: and then it's like, Okay, sit for a second, see

815
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:04,759
Speaker 1: if it comes back. But most of the time, if

816
00:50:04,800 --> 00:50:07,279
Speaker 1: it's accurate, it's just going to keep screaming at you.

817
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:11,439
Speaker 1: So yeah, I keep you up at night exactly. Yeah. Well,

818
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:14,640
Speaker 1: we are out of time for today and we've only

819
00:50:14,719 --> 00:50:17,919
Speaker 1: made it through a third of the questions, so yeah,

820
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:19,760
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to do a part two with Jillian.

821
00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:22,600
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here with us, and um,

822
00:50:22,840 --> 00:50:24,719
Speaker 1: I know the listeners really appreciate you getting to some

823
00:50:24,760 --> 00:50:26,600
Speaker 1: of these questions. I hope we are helping you guys out.

824
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:29,600
Speaker 1: I'm gonna put all of the info for Jillian in

825
00:50:29,719 --> 00:50:31,920
Speaker 1: the description of this podcast, and you guys can go

826
00:50:32,080 --> 00:50:35,920
Speaker 1: check out her website. Um, she has tons of resources.

827
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,840
Speaker 1: If you're listening and you're like I need help, definitely

828
00:50:38,880 --> 00:50:40,520
Speaker 1: go check her out. And I'll also go ahead and

829
00:50:40,600 --> 00:50:43,400
Speaker 1: put her Instagram because I just love following you. I

830
00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:48,040
Speaker 1: think it's always insightful and super helpful videos. Specially. Thank

831
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:51,879
Speaker 1: you very much. It was lovely of course being here,

832
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:54,520
Speaker 1: and we will have you back soon. Wonderful