WEBVTT - Checking In Replay: Dr. Dharius Daniels 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:03.000 Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:21.160 iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Hey everyone, it's Michelle Williams. 0:00:21.440 --> 0:00:24.760 Have you ever been in a toxic friendship or relationship 0:00:24.880 --> 0:00:28.120 or a work relationship that leaves you drained? Well, guess what, 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:31.400 you don't have to throw that relationship away. I've got 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:34.160 an amazing guest who will share some great insight into 0:00:34.200 --> 0:00:36.800 something I know we can all relate to, and it's 0:00:36.840 --> 0:00:40.080 coming up right now on Checking In with Michelle Williams. 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:05.160 Today theme of Checking In is about relationships. I've had 0:01:05.200 --> 0:01:10.399 to do some assessing of myself, my behaviors as it 0:01:10.440 --> 0:01:14.679 comes to relationships. I've also had to be more intentional 0:01:15.160 --> 0:01:20.880 about preserving relationships, more intentional about even putting myself out 0:01:20.920 --> 0:01:24.959 there to connect with people. Because if you are like me, 0:01:25.440 --> 0:01:27.360 you like to stay in the house, You like to 0:01:27.360 --> 0:01:30.399 be a homebody. You just like to connect with your 0:01:30.440 --> 0:01:33.440 favorite TV show or your favorite podcast. You don't want 0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:36.399 to be bothered with anybody. And some of you, you 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:41.200 probably are like that, because maybe you've experienced some betrayal, 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:45.039 or maybe you feel like everybody that you come in 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:47.920 contact with or are in relationship, maybe you feel like 0:01:47.920 --> 0:01:50.920 they're always trying to compete with you, or maybe you 0:01:50.960 --> 0:01:55.080 feel like in relationships maybe they're not reciprocated, so you 0:01:55.160 --> 0:01:58.280 feel like it's just best for you to just be 0:01:58.520 --> 0:02:01.680 to yourself. But I want to encourage you, and I 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:05.840 want to let you know that we are meant to connect. 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:10.440 We are meant to connect with other humans. Now it 0:02:10.480 --> 0:02:13.560 is up to us to continue. What we'll learn today 0:02:14.080 --> 0:02:17.640 is that we have to discern people in our lives 0:02:17.880 --> 0:02:21.440 and where to place them. I'm also learning to treat 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:25.080 people in relationships the way I would want to be treated. 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:27.760 But I also have to know that I can't expect 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:31.640 everybody to be like me. As the saying says, you 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:36.359 can't expect you from somebody else. So sometimes even going 0:02:36.400 --> 0:02:39.880 into relationships, I'm learning that I am taking a risk, 0:02:40.320 --> 0:02:43.920 and not just in romantic relationships. I am taking a 0:02:44.160 --> 0:02:48.920 risk to possibly be hurt. I'm taking a risk to 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:52.880 possibly be betrayed or lied on or compete. But that's 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:54.880 where I say you have to assess the people that 0:02:54.919 --> 0:02:57.840 you are in relationship with. You know, maybe they're not 0:02:57.960 --> 0:02:59.680 so much on the front seat of your life. Maybe 0:02:59.720 --> 0:03:01.600 they're just kind of in the middle balcony and then 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:03.960 some people are in the nosebleed seats, and then some 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:06.840 people they just outside of the arena looking in. But 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:12.680 there is a way to handle people, because it's the 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:18.320 law of reciprocity or sowing and reaping. You will reap 0:03:18.600 --> 0:03:21.959 everything that you saw. You might not reap it ten 0:03:22.000 --> 0:03:24.480 minutes from now, you might not reap it ten months 0:03:24.520 --> 0:03:27.720 from now. But just know whatever sees you so relationally, 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:31.720 you will get it back. So just continue to listen 0:03:31.800 --> 0:03:35.440 in for the rest of this podcast. I am absolutely 0:03:35.760 --> 0:03:41.960 excited to introduce this phenomenal person, this next guest of mine, 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:47.000 doctor Darius Daniels. I'm gonna read off everything that I 0:03:47.040 --> 0:03:53.080 know about him. He is founder and pastor of Change Church, 0:03:53.600 --> 0:03:58.000 multiple locations. I love that he is a certified coach 0:03:58.400 --> 0:04:03.120 and I feel his teachings, everything that he shares is 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:05.920 so versatile. He can go from the church to the 0:04:05.960 --> 0:04:10.760 corporate boardroom. A Bachelor of Political Science from Millsaps College 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:16.360 in Jackson, Mississippi, a Masters of Divinity from Princeton, and 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:21.560 he got his doctorates from Fuller University. Also author of 0:04:21.600 --> 0:04:26.360 an amazing book that has been changing me, relational Intelligence. 0:04:26.440 --> 0:04:30.240 This is his newest book titled Relational Intelligence. Everybody, I 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:36.120 want you to welcome my brother, my friend, doctor Darius Daniels. 0:04:36.120 --> 0:04:38.440 Doctor Daniels, thank you so much for joining me. 0:04:39.080 --> 0:04:42.200 Thank you for having me. Michelle, I'm excited to be here. 0:04:42.320 --> 0:04:43.960 I don't know, I think I owe you some money 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:44.799 for that introduction. 0:04:45.200 --> 0:04:47.760 Well, first of all, we can be very humble in 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:50.680 accomplishments and things on your resume, but every now and 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:54.680 then it is good to know your accomplishments and everything 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:58.200 that you have come through. You know everything that you are, 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:00.800 and it's good to let somebody else talk about. 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:01.160 You all the dime. 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:03.480 I just feel like I wrote a bunch of papers. 0:05:03.480 --> 0:05:06.960 But I'm glad to be on the podcast with you. 0:05:07.040 --> 0:05:10.200 Though. This is exciting, This is epic. 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:14.880 Listen, it truly truly is. And I'm gonna speak what 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:16.760 I'm supposed to say at the end, and that is 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:18.560 I know you're gonna come back because we got a 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:24.680 lot to unpack everything regarding your book. Relational Intelligence can 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:28.599 probably take up twenty five episodes, and we only have 0:05:28.680 --> 0:05:31.840 a few moments with us right now, but we can 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:34.640 go on and on. I'm grateful for my relationship with 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:39.440 you and Shamika and how we get to talk about things. 0:05:39.480 --> 0:05:43.080 We unloaded some things the other day and I was like, man, 0:05:43.200 --> 0:05:46.599 I wish we had audio on record, because this is 0:05:46.600 --> 0:05:50.760 some great stuff. And I think as far as your book, 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:54.760 Relational Intelligence, I think people think, you know, when we 0:05:54.800 --> 0:06:00.400 talk about relationships, we automatically assume romantic relationships and personal relationsistionships. 0:06:00.440 --> 0:06:02.560 But you go on to teach us about how to 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:08.080 be in business relationships and just relational just relationships period 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:12.080 with friends, and your book definitely taught me. Okay, I 0:06:12.080 --> 0:06:13.880 got to do better in this area because you can 0:06:13.920 --> 0:06:15.920 be so great in your career, but you can suck 0:06:15.960 --> 0:06:17.640 at being a friend. You could suck at how you 0:06:17.680 --> 0:06:20.960 do business. So that's what we are going to dive 0:06:21.040 --> 0:06:26.280 in today, Relational Intelligence. Please tell us the inspiration of 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:27.840 you writing this book, all. 0:06:27.839 --> 0:06:30.400 Right, So I would say this, The inspiration is kind 0:06:30.440 --> 0:06:33.400 of twofold. So one is experiences that I had in 0:06:33.440 --> 0:06:37.120 my personal life. Two is observations I was making in 0:06:37.160 --> 0:06:39.760 my professional life. And this is what I saw personally 0:06:39.800 --> 0:06:43.800 and professionally. People's greatest joy and greatest pain was coming 0:06:43.880 --> 0:06:49.120 from the same place, and that's their relationships. One hundred percent. 0:06:49.320 --> 0:06:54.680 I saw this greatest joy, greatest pain was coming from relationships. Now, 0:06:54.920 --> 0:06:56.640 I experienced some of this in my own life, and 0:06:56.640 --> 0:06:58.760 then I just saw it with the people I was 0:06:58.839 --> 0:07:03.160 leading and serving that no matter what accomplishments they achieved, 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:06.760 no matter what possessions they acquire, at some point that 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:10.000 new thing got old, that extraordinary thing got familiar. 0:07:10.200 --> 0:07:14.240 But what really provided like long lasting joy. 0:07:14.320 --> 0:07:17.560 And fulfillment when it came to people's lives and even 0:07:17.560 --> 0:07:22.200 in my life personally, was this area of relationships. And 0:07:22.240 --> 0:07:25.040 so I just kind of felt like in my experience 0:07:25.160 --> 0:07:27.880 and what I observed an experience of others, many people 0:07:28.000 --> 0:07:32.320 kind of managed relationships emotionally. And I'm not saying that 0:07:32.920 --> 0:07:36.480 we shouldn't be engaged emotionally in relationships. We should, but 0:07:36.560 --> 0:07:39.680 in the car relationships, my point is this, put the 0:07:39.800 --> 0:07:44.880 emotions in the car, just don't let them drive the 0:07:45.040 --> 0:07:48.920 small point. So that's what really kind of birthed the book. Man, 0:07:49.360 --> 0:07:52.480 It's just been something that's helped me and we just 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:54.600 we're grateful that it's helping a lot of other people too. 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:58.000 You talk about how your greatest gives walk into your 0:07:58.040 --> 0:07:59.880 life on two legs, and that's just kind of I 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:03.400 guess piggybacking off of what you were talking about. Your 0:08:03.440 --> 0:08:08.600 greatest joys and some of your greatest pains come from relationships. 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:10.840 And I want to dive into when you're talking about 0:08:10.960 --> 0:08:14.480 how we can let our emotions drive you say intellectual 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:20.600 capacity plus emotional capacity equal relational intelligence. So as far 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.600 as the emotions, I think that's I think a lot 0:08:23.600 --> 0:08:27.560 of relationships can be saved and or repaired if we 0:08:27.760 --> 0:08:30.800 can get our emotions in order. What's the number one 0:08:30.840 --> 0:08:35.400 thing emotionally that you think happens that can destroy a relationship? 0:08:35.559 --> 0:08:38.560 Oh, one percent is one thing that well, I'm gonna 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:40.560 say one hundred percent in terms of every case, but 0:08:41.320 --> 0:08:43.640 in my mind, one hundred percent that's percent. Something that 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:46.880 sticks out above the rest is this is trauma. And 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:50.520 when I say trauma, I don't mean just extreme cases 0:08:50.559 --> 0:08:53.920 of abuse or exploitation anything like that. But this is 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:57.600 what I say. Bad experiences that people have in relationships 0:08:57.640 --> 0:09:02.800 in the past sabotage general relationships in the present. It's 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:06.200 like somebody else did the crime, but you make people 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:11.400 in your life currently due to time. You know, I 0:09:11.400 --> 0:09:13.400 don't think people are evil when that happens, you know, 0:09:13.440 --> 0:09:14.480 I just think they're human. 0:09:14.840 --> 0:09:17.640 And we haven't necessarily been given. 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:21.520 The tools on how to respond in a healthy way 0:09:21.920 --> 0:09:25.720 to betrayal. How do I respond when I've been used? 0:09:25.800 --> 0:09:29.160 How do I respond when I've been exploited? How do 0:09:29.240 --> 0:09:32.120 I respond when I've been taken for granted? Because you 0:09:32.280 --> 0:09:36.320 don't want to mismanage the people that are coming into 0:09:36.360 --> 0:09:39.079 your life to be a blessing, yes, because of your 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:42.720 experience with people in the past that have been a burden. 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:48.199 And you you also say that perfect relationships do not exist. 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:50.960 No, absolutely not. 0:09:51.360 --> 0:09:54.080 Now, this book is not necessarily about romantic relationships, but 0:09:54.160 --> 0:09:56.440 we can apply it to romantic relationships in the sense 0:09:56.480 --> 0:09:59.719 that in the initial stages of like a romantic relationship, 0:10:00.120 --> 0:10:02.920 it's like, oh my god, this person is perfect. That 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:07.360 infatuation stage, you just intoxicated emotionally. 0:10:07.480 --> 0:10:09.160 They can't do anything wrong. 0:10:09.280 --> 0:10:10.959 Yes, Yes, all of. 0:10:10.960 --> 0:10:14.960 A sudden, your eyes started opening, you start seeing issues 0:10:15.040 --> 0:10:15.800 and tendencies. 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:18.480 You're like, wait a minute, this person changed them. 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:22.120 It's like, nah, they didn't change, just another part of 0:10:22.160 --> 0:10:26.320 them that had been exposed got revealed. Everybody's imperfect. You know, 0:10:26.440 --> 0:10:29.560 relationships don't break themselves. There's no such thing as a 0:10:29.600 --> 0:10:33.600 broken relationship. We break relationships because we're broken people. 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:34.120 Mm hm. 0:10:35.200 --> 0:10:38.280 And so there's a difference between an imperfect relationship and 0:10:38.320 --> 0:10:39.200 an unhealthy one. 0:10:39.240 --> 0:10:41.360 So I don't want people to confuse what I'm saying there. 0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:43.720 There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, So just 0:10:43.760 --> 0:10:46.559 because it's imperfect doesn't mean you should abandon it. 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:49.240 Like, I believe, all people are equally valuable. 0:10:49.320 --> 0:10:51.480 So whether you off the street or on Wall Street, 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:55.599 nobody's more valuable than another person. But here it is, Michelle, 0:10:55.640 --> 0:10:57.160 Here it is a lot of people have trouble wrap 0:10:57.160 --> 0:10:58.240 their head around this, though. 0:10:58.320 --> 0:11:00.000 Help us wrap, help us rapid. 0:11:00.320 --> 0:11:05.600 Everybody doesn't add equal value to you, Like everybody's equally valuable, 0:11:05.760 --> 0:11:08.280 but everybody doesn't add equal value to you. 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:10.120 Okay, y'all write that down. 0:11:11.520 --> 0:11:15.480 Yeah, So the point that I'm making is somebody can 0:11:15.520 --> 0:11:19.640 be imperfect and invaluable at the same time. So it's like, 0:11:19.840 --> 0:11:23.319 it's like my wife, Man, I noticed I was a kid, 0:11:23.440 --> 0:11:25.280 so I met nineteen twenty years old. 0:11:25.320 --> 0:11:26.040 Here's my point. 0:11:26.080 --> 0:11:29.640 Though, I realize that if God forbid something that would 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:31.440 have happened to her and we are together, I can't 0:11:31.440 --> 0:11:32.840 replace that in twenty four hours. 0:11:33.200 --> 0:11:36.480 No, I can't. I can't. I can find somebody to day. 0:11:36.760 --> 0:11:38.880 You know, I can find somebody pretty, but everything she 0:11:39.000 --> 0:11:43.480 brings I can't replace that. So although everybody's equally valuable, 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:46.760 everybody doesn't add equal value to me. So just because 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:50.600 something is imperfect doesn't mean it is invaluable. And when 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:53.800 it's invaluable, man, you can't just abandon it. You got 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:56.800 to learn how to manage it and navigate it, fix it, 0:11:57.000 --> 0:12:00.480 restore it. But again, I want to emphasize because I 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:02.360 know people saying what you're saying if I'm in a 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:05.480 crazy No, I'm not saying that there's a difference between 0:12:05.520 --> 0:12:09.040 it being imperfect and unhealthy. But just because it's imperfect, 0:12:09.080 --> 0:12:11.600 that means it is not a unique value. And some 0:12:11.640 --> 0:12:14.600 people are just hard to replace. 0:12:14.920 --> 0:12:17.559 Come on, some people are just hard to replace. And 0:12:17.600 --> 0:12:19.840 i'd like to think that I'm one of those people 0:12:20.559 --> 0:12:28.040 absolutely hard to replace. You know what I'm saying. It's 0:12:28.040 --> 0:12:31.959 something that you were saying about I cannot replace you, 0:12:32.600 --> 0:12:35.480 or how I feel like I'm irreplaceable. But there's a 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:39.720 portion of your book where you talk about elimination and 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:43.360 that there is a proper way, and y'all have to 0:12:43.520 --> 0:12:46.200 buy the book. Can I read something that you said 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:50.480 about elimination sure, you say, a criteria for elimination is 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:54.479 simple when maintaining the relationship in any form or category 0:12:54.640 --> 0:12:58.880 is no longer in the best interests of the person involved. 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.880 It's kind of product, it's emotionally toxic. So there are 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:06.280 times where you can eliminate a relationship. It's just in 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:11.480 the how. And while I'm on that, we're talking about elimination. 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:18.199 What is your thought on boundary setting versus ghosting? 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.280 All right, so this might be a little complex. I 0:13:22.280 --> 0:13:24.600 don't know, it might even be a little controversial, Michelle. 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:26.520 I got admit this because I talk about this in 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:28.559 the book, and so I don't if I don't own this, 0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:31.839 I'm being a hypocrite, all right, Yes, So in the book, 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.520 I say there are times where you can make adjustments 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:38.720 without making announcements. Like every adjustment doesn't have to have 0:13:38.760 --> 0:13:42.760 an announcement. There's sometimes when it's like, yeah, you see something, 0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.880 you see some fruit of somebody's character, you see some tendencies, 0:13:45.920 --> 0:13:48.880 and you're not judging it, but you're just observing so 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.720 that you know how to manage that person in your life. Right, 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:53.600 I'm not making a judgment on this. But let's say 0:13:53.640 --> 0:13:56.480 if somebody's gossiping. That just got a tendency to gospel 0:13:56.520 --> 0:13:59.080 it like, I'm on with this person, they're talking about 0:13:59.160 --> 0:14:02.600 somebody else, sir. Well, if you see that, it's possible 0:14:02.600 --> 0:14:05.119 for you to adjust what you tell them without. 0:14:04.880 --> 0:14:07.800 Announcing that to them. Right, you don't have to say, Yo, 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:08.559 let's go to lunch. 0:14:08.559 --> 0:14:10.800 I think you gossip about everybody all the time, so 0:14:12.000 --> 0:14:14.200 I'm not going to tell you nothing. Well, yeah, I'm 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:16.680 not saying it's wrong to do that, especially if y'all 0:14:16.679 --> 0:14:19.280 got that kind of relational equity where that person receives 0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:20.960 that from you. But the point that I'm making is 0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:25.160 that's completely different than ghosting. The elimination part of the 0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:27.800 book is really about, YO, when do you get to 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:29.480 the place when you get to the place where you 0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:33.000 recognize this is no longer healthy for me? Right, this 0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:36.360 relationship is not healthy for me mentally, it's not healthy 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:40.120 for me emotionally, it's not healthy for me spiritually, it's 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:44.400 not healthy for me professionally. Then at that point you 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:49.200 got to prioritize the stewardship of your own soul over 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:53.960 that specific relationship. And that's not being selfish, that's being 0:14:54.000 --> 0:14:57.480 a good steward And when that happens. I feel like, 0:14:57.800 --> 0:15:00.200 at least this is me living by the gold and 0:15:00.280 --> 0:15:03.320 rule is just kind of like human decency, and so 0:15:03.960 --> 0:15:06.320 that's why I'm going to be like, yeah, if you can, 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:11.560 it's important to have a conversation, yes, instead instead of ghosting, 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:16.480 especially if you're talking about somebody you've been in relationship with, friend, associate, 0:15:16.520 --> 0:15:19.320 like whatever category they're in. I just feel like you 0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:21.520 want to manage that exit the way you would want 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:24.520 somebody to manage if they were making an exit like 0:15:24.520 --> 0:15:26.680 that with you. I don't know about the ghosting part. 0:15:26.880 --> 0:15:31.600 I definitely agree with literally a situation today where I 0:15:31.640 --> 0:15:36.160 feel like someone definitely crossed the line and they sent 0:15:36.240 --> 0:15:40.600 a real, you know, nice message and I was like, oh, okay, 0:15:40.600 --> 0:15:45.400 I gotta respond because I don't like the feeling when 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:49.440 it has been done to me. Right, But I'm in 0:15:49.520 --> 0:15:52.560 the place even personally where I'm like, Okay, well, how 0:15:52.600 --> 0:15:55.440 do I manage and respect and do what I feel 0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:59.600 is best for me and respect me versus pleasing them 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:03.640 and their feelings. Because people can do things that are 0:16:03.680 --> 0:16:06.560 so out of pocket that I do feel like you 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:09.720 can definitely take a step back and take some space. 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:11.440 It's not that I'm goals to you. I just need 0:16:11.480 --> 0:16:15.600 to take some space, and I'm repositioning you. You no 0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:18.000 longer are in the front seat of my life. I 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:20.960 don't put you in the nosebleeds. What would you say 0:16:20.960 --> 0:16:25.000 to two people that are working in the confines of 0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:31.760 a business. Yeah, and they have the potential for the 0:16:31.800 --> 0:16:36.880 business too. They can do some damage. Yeah, you know, 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:41.240 business wise, what is some advice to somebody in that situation? 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.280 You know, I think that's one of the most important relationships. 0:16:44.360 --> 0:16:46.880 You know, That's that's what I would call an associate. Now, 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:49.000 I'm not saying business partners can't be friends, but I 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.480 do think that there are times when people confuse the 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:53.680 friendly nature of. 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:56.080 The relationship with a yeah, you know what I mean. 0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:58.120 And so for me, I make the distinction between like 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:01.040 a friend and associate, and associate to me with following 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:05.000 a business partner or co worker team member category. And 0:17:05.040 --> 0:17:08.920 it's this, if I wasn't as good as I am 0:17:09.040 --> 0:17:12.160 with what I do, would we still have relationship? If 0:17:12.200 --> 0:17:15.159 I remove my gift from the equation and it's just 0:17:15.280 --> 0:17:17.640 me and you, will we still have relationship? 0:17:17.720 --> 0:17:19.520 Right? I don't think that's being cynical. 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:22.120 I think that's being honest, and it keeps you from 0:17:22.160 --> 0:17:26.200 setting yourself up for unnecessary frustration or hurt and pain 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:32.199 down the line because you are confusing someone who's an 0:17:32.240 --> 0:17:36.080 associate with a friend. So it doesn't mean a relationship 0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:39.720 can't be friendly, but it does mean that you recognize 0:17:39.760 --> 0:17:43.760 this relationship exists because of what I do, not just 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:47.200 who I am, where friendship has a completely different set 0:17:47.200 --> 0:17:50.640 of criteria. So I feel like, no matter what, when 0:17:50.640 --> 0:17:53.320 it comes to the business relationship, whether it is friends 0:17:53.520 --> 0:17:56.760 or whether it is associates, you want to respect the 0:17:56.880 --> 0:18:00.760 personal relationship. You want to love the personal relationship enough 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.280 to get the business right. So this is where I 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:05.399 feel like people kind of get wires cross when it 0:18:05.400 --> 0:18:07.800 comes to business relationship. They feel like, because we have 0:18:07.880 --> 0:18:11.560 a personal relationship, you should kind of be more laxed, 0:18:12.040 --> 0:18:15.639 less excellent and give me more room for failure and 0:18:15.680 --> 0:18:19.600 sloppiness because we're friends, yes, or because there's a friendly 0:18:19.880 --> 0:18:22.920 aspect of our relationship. What I would say is no, 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:26.560 because there's a friendly aspect of our relationship, I want 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:29.439 to make sure the sloppy business doesn't get in the 0:18:29.520 --> 0:18:32.399 way of the friendship or get in the way of 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:37.000 this relationship. So let's make sure we manage the business 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:41.000 properly so that we can be productive on the business side. 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:45.320 But that productivity on the business side protects the personal 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:46.960 aspect of the relationship. 0:18:47.000 --> 0:18:47.960 It's easy for us. 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:51.400 To be friends when to be friendly, when things are 0:18:51.400 --> 0:18:54.400 going well, it's progressing, there's not a lot of stress 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:58.040 and strain and struggle. So I really feel like managing 0:18:58.359 --> 0:19:01.399 those business partnerships and and those relationships with that in 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:05.280 mind is incredibly important. And I've seen people be destroyed 0:19:05.320 --> 0:19:08.919 and crushed when they finally get the revelation that what 0:19:09.000 --> 0:19:12.880 I thought was a friendship is actually just a partnership. 0:19:12.920 --> 0:19:14.640 So I think it's important to go into that man 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:15.480 eyes wide open. 0:19:16.000 --> 0:19:19.120 I've seen so many people use the word oh, that's 0:19:19.160 --> 0:19:21.600 my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend. 0:19:22.119 --> 0:19:25.200 And I do feel like I feel sorry for people 0:19:25.200 --> 0:19:29.880 who are in a position where those lines do get blurred, 0:19:29.920 --> 0:19:34.440 where you even talk about assignments. Yeah, like you have 0:19:34.520 --> 0:19:37.760 to know I'm not your you're not friends, I am 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:43.040 assigned to you, and those lines get so blurred and 0:19:43.160 --> 0:19:48.000 so cross, And I've seen people's feelings hurt. 0:19:49.240 --> 0:19:50.159 You better believe it. 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:53.879 Feeling so hurt that word friend. We use that word 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:56.680 very very loosely, and you talk about it's got to 0:19:56.720 --> 0:19:59.240 be reciprocated in some fruit here for me to call 0:19:59.280 --> 0:19:59.960 you a friend. 0:20:00.960 --> 0:20:03.959 Yeah, definitely. But you know that's that's the whole concept 0:20:03.960 --> 0:20:07.199 of out relational intelligence. It's not about being smug or 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:10.120 cynical or harsh or whatever, but it's just about being 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:13.920 wise in the area of our relationships, just being intentional. 0:20:14.200 --> 0:20:17.119 And so for me, that's about this whole thing of 0:20:17.240 --> 0:20:20.760 like defining and aligning your relationships. I don't want to 0:20:20.880 --> 0:20:25.520 call you something that you aren't because if I call 0:20:25.640 --> 0:20:27.760 you that, I'm going to expect you to be that 0:20:27.800 --> 0:20:29.120 for me, because I'm. 0:20:28.960 --> 0:20:29.960 Gonna be that for you. 0:20:31.000 --> 0:20:33.959 That makes sense and so and so what happens is 0:20:34.240 --> 0:20:37.080 when you're using the word so friendship. One of the 0:20:37.119 --> 0:20:42.760 ways friendship is seen or exposed is by reciprocity. It 0:20:42.800 --> 0:20:45.359 doesn't mean that you do the same thing for me 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:48.359 that I do for you, but it does mean there's 0:20:48.440 --> 0:20:51.600 reciprocity in the relationship in the sense that we both 0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:54.320 add value to each other's lives. 0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:55.520 In some kind of way. 0:20:56.440 --> 0:20:58.480 And it doesn't even mean we add value to each 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:03.159 other's lives on the same level. But it does mean Yo, 0:21:03.280 --> 0:21:09.040 there's reciprocity in this relationship, absolutely, but when there is not, 0:21:10.280 --> 0:21:13.679 some people end up frustrated, mad, hurt, and upset and 0:21:13.720 --> 0:21:16.359 it's like, No, you were calling that person a friend, 0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:18.600 but they were just kind of an associate, Or you 0:21:18.640 --> 0:21:20.760 were calling them a friend, but that was kind of 0:21:20.920 --> 0:21:24.640 an assignment. That's somebody you were mentoring, helping, and when 0:21:24.680 --> 0:21:28.440 you go into it, when you go into a relationship 0:21:28.480 --> 0:21:32.359 and manage a relationship with those expectations, it reduces the 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:33.720 likelihood you're going to be frustrated. 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:34.200 You know what I mean? 0:21:34.600 --> 0:21:38.640 Absolutely, I'm giving more in this relationship than what I'm 0:21:38.680 --> 0:21:40.880 going to get, and I'm okay with that because you're 0:21:40.880 --> 0:21:43.639 a mentee. I feel like that's what's really Keep going 0:21:43.720 --> 0:21:46.600 in with eyes wide open so that you know where 0:21:46.600 --> 0:21:49.800 to make investments and where you can have realistic expectations. 0:21:50.440 --> 0:21:55.560 Mike drop Doctor Darius. He's known to drop many bars, 0:21:55.840 --> 0:21:58.560 not only in relational intelligence, but y'all got to listen 0:21:58.640 --> 0:22:01.639 to some of his sermons. I'd be like, Yo, he 0:22:01.680 --> 0:22:04.560 should be a ghostwriter for some of these rappers out here, 0:22:04.600 --> 0:22:08.600 because he just dropped something. 0:22:09.240 --> 0:22:12.160 Oh, I grew up in a different, different era. These 0:22:12.200 --> 0:22:14.400 guys would not want me to write for them. Well, 0:22:14.440 --> 0:22:16.160 I don't think the guy's in my era. 0:22:18.080 --> 0:22:23.040 I don't know. I got some folks in mind who 0:22:23.040 --> 0:22:25.000 are great and what they do. But I'm like, yo, 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:27.760 if you take what doctor Darius just said and then 0:22:27.840 --> 0:22:30.199 you put your swag on in your wrap style, you 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:35.080 would absolutely be dope. But AnyWho, that's a whole other podcast. 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:39.160 We were talking about where to put people in their 0:22:39.200 --> 0:22:43.280 relationships and if they're an assignment an associate. You also 0:22:43.320 --> 0:22:46.600 talk about if they are an advisor. But I want 0:22:46.640 --> 0:22:48.600 to talk about you. In the beginning of the book, 0:22:48.640 --> 0:22:50.879 you talk about how we are made for connection, we 0:22:50.960 --> 0:22:56.400 are made for relationships, and you ask the question, are 0:22:56.440 --> 0:23:01.600 your relationships holding you back or propelling you forward in 0:23:01.640 --> 0:23:06.080 your purpose? So are you saying that the relationships in 0:23:06.119 --> 0:23:09.840 your life they have to be aligned with where you're going. 0:23:10.200 --> 0:23:11.240 I'm saying two things. 0:23:11.480 --> 0:23:13.480