Speaker 1: Welcome to Checking In with Michelle Williams, a production of
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and The Black Effect. Hey everyone, it's Michelle Williams.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been in a toxic friendship or relationship
Speaker 1: or a work relationship that leaves you drained? Well, guess what,
Speaker 1: you don't have to throw that relationship away. I've got
Speaker 1: an amazing guest who will share some great insight into
Speaker 1: something I know we can all relate to, and it's
Speaker 1: coming up right now on Checking In with Michelle Williams.
Speaker 1: Today theme of Checking In is about relationships. I've had
Speaker 1: to do some assessing of myself, my behaviors as it
Speaker 1: comes to relationships. I've also had to be more intentional
Speaker 1: about preserving relationships, more intentional about even putting myself out
Speaker 1: there to connect with people. Because if you are like me,
Speaker 1: you like to stay in the house, You like to
Speaker 1: be a homebody. You just like to connect with your
Speaker 1: favorite TV show or your favorite podcast. You don't want
Speaker 1: to be bothered with anybody. And some of you, you
Speaker 1: probably are like that, because maybe you've experienced some betrayal,
Speaker 1: or maybe you feel like everybody that you come in
Speaker 1: contact with or are in relationship, maybe you feel like
Speaker 1: they're always trying to compete with you, or maybe you
Speaker 1: feel like in relationships maybe they're not reciprocated, so you
Speaker 1: feel like it's just best for you to just be
Speaker 1: to yourself. But I want to encourage you, and I
Speaker 1: want to let you know that we are meant to connect.
Speaker 1: We are meant to connect with other humans. Now it
Speaker 1: is up to us to continue. What we'll learn today
Speaker 1: is that we have to discern people in our lives
Speaker 1: and where to place them. I'm also learning to treat
Speaker 1: people in relationships the way I would want to be treated.
Speaker 1: But I also have to know that I can't expect
Speaker 1: everybody to be like me. As the saying says, you
Speaker 1: can't expect you from somebody else. So sometimes even going
Speaker 1: into relationships, I'm learning that I am taking a risk,
Speaker 1: and not just in romantic relationships. I am taking a
Speaker 1: risk to possibly be hurt. I'm taking a risk to
Speaker 1: possibly be betrayed or lied on or compete. But that's
Speaker 1: where I say you have to assess the people that
Speaker 1: you are in relationship with. You know, maybe they're not
Speaker 1: so much on the front seat of your life. Maybe
Speaker 1: they're just kind of in the middle balcony and then
Speaker 1: some people are in the nosebleed seats, and then some
Speaker 1: people they just outside of the arena looking in. But
Speaker 1: there is a way to handle people, because it's the
Speaker 1: law of reciprocity or sowing and reaping. You will reap
Speaker 1: everything that you saw. You might not reap it ten
Speaker 1: minutes from now, you might not reap it ten months
Speaker 1: from now. But just know whatever sees you so relationally,
Speaker 1: you will get it back. So just continue to listen
Speaker 1: in for the rest of this podcast. I am absolutely
Speaker 1: excited to introduce this phenomenal person, this next guest of mine,
Speaker 1: doctor Darius Daniels. I'm gonna read off everything that I
Speaker 1: know about him. He is founder and pastor of Change Church,
Speaker 1: multiple locations. I love that he is a certified coach
Speaker 1: and I feel his teachings, everything that he shares is
Speaker 1: so versatile. He can go from the church to the
Speaker 1: corporate boardroom. A Bachelor of Political Science from Millsaps College
Speaker 1: in Jackson, Mississippi, a Masters of Divinity from Princeton, and
Speaker 1: he got his doctorates from Fuller University. Also author of
Speaker 1: an amazing book that has been changing me, relational Intelligence.
Speaker 1: This is his newest book titled Relational Intelligence. Everybody, I
Speaker 1: want you to welcome my brother, my friend, doctor Darius Daniels.
Speaker 1: Doctor Daniels, thank you so much for joining me.
Speaker 2: Thank you for having me. Michelle, I'm excited to be here.
Speaker 2: I don't know, I think I owe you some money
Speaker 2: for that introduction.
Speaker 1: Well, first of all, we can be very humble in
Speaker 1: accomplishments and things on your resume, but every now and
Speaker 1: then it is good to know your accomplishments and everything
Speaker 1: that you have come through. You know everything that you are,
Speaker 1: and it's good to let somebody else talk about.
Speaker 3: You all the dime.
Speaker 4: I just feel like I wrote a bunch of papers.
Speaker 4: But I'm glad to be on the podcast with you.
Speaker 2: Though. This is exciting, This is epic.
Speaker 1: Listen, it truly truly is. And I'm gonna speak what
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to say at the end, and that is
Speaker 1: I know you're gonna come back because we got a
Speaker 1: lot to unpack everything regarding your book. Relational Intelligence can
Speaker 1: probably take up twenty five episodes, and we only have
Speaker 1: a few moments with us right now, but we can
Speaker 1: go on and on. I'm grateful for my relationship with
Speaker 1: you and Shamika and how we get to talk about things.
Speaker 1: We unloaded some things the other day and I was like, man,
Speaker 1: I wish we had audio on record, because this is
Speaker 1: some great stuff. And I think as far as your book,
Speaker 1: Relational Intelligence, I think people think, you know, when we
Speaker 1: talk about relationships, we automatically assume romantic relationships and personal relationsistionships.
Speaker 1: But you go on to teach us about how to
Speaker 1: be in business relationships and just relational just relationships period
Speaker 1: with friends, and your book definitely taught me. Okay, I
Speaker 1: got to do better in this area because you can
Speaker 1: be so great in your career, but you can suck
Speaker 1: at being a friend. You could suck at how you
Speaker 1: do business. So that's what we are going to dive
Speaker 1: in today, Relational Intelligence. Please tell us the inspiration of
Speaker 1: you writing this book, all.
Speaker 4: Right, So I would say this, The inspiration is kind
Speaker 4: of twofold. So one is experiences that I had in
Speaker 4: my personal life. Two is observations I was making in
Speaker 4: my professional life. And this is what I saw personally
Speaker 4: and professionally. People's greatest joy and greatest pain was coming
Speaker 4: from the same place, and that's their relationships. One hundred percent.
Speaker 4: I saw this greatest joy, greatest pain was coming from relationships. Now,
Speaker 4: I experienced some of this in my own life, and
Speaker 4: then I just saw it with the people I was
Speaker 4: leading and serving that no matter what accomplishments they achieved,
Speaker 4: no matter what possessions they acquire, at some point that
Speaker 4: new thing got old, that extraordinary thing got familiar.
Speaker 2: But what really provided like long lasting joy.
Speaker 4: And fulfillment when it came to people's lives and even
Speaker 4: in my life personally, was this area of relationships. And
Speaker 4: so I just kind of felt like in my experience
Speaker 4: and what I observed an experience of others, many people
Speaker 4: kind of managed relationships emotionally. And I'm not saying that
Speaker 4: we shouldn't be engaged emotionally in relationships. We should, but
Speaker 4: in the car relationships, my point is this, put the
Speaker 4: emotions in the car, just don't let them drive the
Speaker 4: small point. So that's what really kind of birthed the book. Man,
Speaker 4: It's just been something that's helped me and we just
Speaker 4: we're grateful that it's helping a lot of other people too.
Speaker 1: You talk about how your greatest gives walk into your
Speaker 1: life on two legs, and that's just kind of I
Speaker 1: guess piggybacking off of what you were talking about. Your
Speaker 1: greatest joys and some of your greatest pains come from relationships.
Speaker 1: And I want to dive into when you're talking about
Speaker 1: how we can let our emotions drive you say intellectual
Speaker 1: capacity plus emotional capacity equal relational intelligence. So as far
Speaker 1: as the emotions, I think that's I think a lot
Speaker 1: of relationships can be saved and or repaired if we
Speaker 1: can get our emotions in order. What's the number one
Speaker 1: thing emotionally that you think happens that can destroy a relationship?
Speaker 4: Oh, one percent is one thing that well, I'm gonna
Speaker 4: say one hundred percent in terms of every case, but
Speaker 4: in my mind, one hundred percent that's percent. Something that
Speaker 4: sticks out above the rest is this is trauma. And
Speaker 4: when I say trauma, I don't mean just extreme cases
Speaker 4: of abuse or exploitation anything like that. But this is
Speaker 4: what I say. Bad experiences that people have in relationships
Speaker 4: in the past sabotage general relationships in the present. It's
Speaker 4: like somebody else did the crime, but you make people
Speaker 4: in your life currently due to time. You know, I
Speaker 4: don't think people are evil when that happens, you know,
Speaker 4: I just think they're human.
Speaker 2: And we haven't necessarily been given.
Speaker 3: The tools on how to respond in a healthy way
Speaker 3: to betrayal. How do I respond when I've been used?
Speaker 3: How do I respond when I've been exploited? How do
Speaker 3: I respond when I've been taken for granted? Because you
Speaker 3: don't want to mismanage the people that are coming into
Speaker 3: your life to be a blessing, yes, because of your
Speaker 3: experience with people in the past that have been a burden.
Speaker 1: And you you also say that perfect relationships do not exist.
Speaker 2: No, absolutely not.
Speaker 4: Now, this book is not necessarily about romantic relationships, but
Speaker 4: we can apply it to romantic relationships in the sense
Speaker 4: that in the initial stages of like a romantic relationship,
Speaker 4: it's like, oh my god, this person is perfect. That
Speaker 4: infatuation stage, you just intoxicated emotionally.
Speaker 2: They can't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1: Yes, Yes, all of.
Speaker 4: A sudden, your eyes started opening, you start seeing issues
Speaker 4: and tendencies.
Speaker 2: You're like, wait a minute, this person changed them.
Speaker 4: It's like, nah, they didn't change, just another part of
Speaker 4: them that had been exposed got revealed. Everybody's imperfect. You know,
Speaker 4: relationships don't break themselves. There's no such thing as a
Speaker 4: broken relationship. We break relationships because we're broken people.
Speaker 1: Mm hm.
Speaker 4: And so there's a difference between an imperfect relationship and
Speaker 4: an unhealthy one.
Speaker 2: So I don't want people to confuse what I'm saying there.
Speaker 4: There's no such thing as a perfect relationship, So just
Speaker 4: because it's imperfect doesn't mean you should abandon it.
Speaker 2: Like, I believe, all people are equally valuable.
Speaker 4: So whether you off the street or on Wall Street,
Speaker 4: nobody's more valuable than another person. But here it is, Michelle,
Speaker 4: Here it is a lot of people have trouble wrap
Speaker 4: their head around this, though.
Speaker 1: Help us wrap, help us rapid.
Speaker 4: Everybody doesn't add equal value to you, Like everybody's equally valuable,
Speaker 4: but everybody doesn't add equal value to you.
Speaker 1: Okay, y'all write that down.
Speaker 4: Yeah, So the point that I'm making is somebody can
Speaker 4: be imperfect and invaluable at the same time. So it's like,
Speaker 4: it's like my wife, Man, I noticed I was a kid,
Speaker 4: so I met nineteen twenty years old.
Speaker 2: Here's my point.
Speaker 4: Though, I realize that if God forbid something that would
Speaker 4: have happened to her and we are together, I can't
Speaker 4: replace that in twenty four hours.
Speaker 2: No, I can't. I can't. I can find somebody to day.
Speaker 4: You know, I can find somebody pretty, but everything she
Speaker 4: brings I can't replace that. So although everybody's equally valuable,
Speaker 4: everybody doesn't add equal value to me. So just because
Speaker 4: something is imperfect doesn't mean it is invaluable. And when
Speaker 4: it's invaluable, man, you can't just abandon it. You got
Speaker 4: to learn how to manage it and navigate it, fix it,
Speaker 4: restore it. But again, I want to emphasize because I
Speaker 4: know people saying what you're saying if I'm in a
Speaker 4: crazy No, I'm not saying that there's a difference between
Speaker 4: it being imperfect and unhealthy. But just because it's imperfect,
Speaker 4: that means it is not a unique value. And some
Speaker 4: people are just hard to replace.
Speaker 1: Come on, some people are just hard to replace. And
Speaker 1: i'd like to think that I'm one of those people
Speaker 1: absolutely hard to replace. You know what I'm saying. It's
Speaker 1: something that you were saying about I cannot replace you,
Speaker 1: or how I feel like I'm irreplaceable. But there's a
Speaker 1: portion of your book where you talk about elimination and
Speaker 1: that there is a proper way, and y'all have to
Speaker 1: buy the book. Can I read something that you said
Speaker 1: about elimination sure, you say, a criteria for elimination is
Speaker 1: simple when maintaining the relationship in any form or category
Speaker 1: is no longer in the best interests of the person involved.
Speaker 1: It's kind of product, it's emotionally toxic. So there are
Speaker 1: times where you can eliminate a relationship. It's just in
Speaker 1: the how. And while I'm on that, we're talking about elimination.
Speaker 1: What is your thought on boundary setting versus ghosting?
Speaker 4: All right, so this might be a little complex. I
Speaker 4: don't know, it might even be a little controversial, Michelle.
Speaker 4: I got admit this because I talk about this in
Speaker 4: the book, and so I don't if I don't own this,
Speaker 4: I'm being a hypocrite, all right, Yes, So in the book,
Speaker 4: I say there are times where you can make adjustments
Speaker 4: without making announcements. Like every adjustment doesn't have to have
Speaker 4: an announcement. There's sometimes when it's like, yeah, you see something,
Speaker 4: you see some fruit of somebody's character, you see some tendencies,
Speaker 4: and you're not judging it, but you're just observing so
Speaker 4: that you know how to manage that person in your life. Right,
Speaker 4: I'm not making a judgment on this. But let's say
Speaker 4: if somebody's gossiping. That just got a tendency to gospel
Speaker 4: it like, I'm on with this person, they're talking about
Speaker 4: somebody else, sir. Well, if you see that, it's possible
Speaker 4: for you to adjust what you tell them without.
Speaker 2: Announcing that to them. Right, you don't have to say, Yo,
Speaker 2: let's go to lunch.
Speaker 4: I think you gossip about everybody all the time, so
Speaker 4: I'm not going to tell you nothing. Well, yeah, I'm
Speaker 4: not saying it's wrong to do that, especially if y'all
Speaker 4: got that kind of relational equity where that person receives
Speaker 4: that from you. But the point that I'm making is
Speaker 4: that's completely different than ghosting. The elimination part of the
Speaker 4: book is really about, YO, when do you get to
Speaker 4: the place when you get to the place where you
Speaker 4: recognize this is no longer healthy for me? Right, this
Speaker 4: relationship is not healthy for me mentally, it's not healthy
Speaker 4: for me emotionally, it's not healthy for me spiritually, it's
Speaker 4: not healthy for me professionally. Then at that point you
Speaker 4: got to prioritize the stewardship of your own soul over
Speaker 4: that specific relationship. And that's not being selfish, that's being
Speaker 4: a good steward And when that happens. I feel like,
Speaker 4: at least this is me living by the gold and
Speaker 4: rule is just kind of like human decency, and so
Speaker 4: that's why I'm going to be like, yeah, if you can,
Speaker 4: it's important to have a conversation, yes, instead instead of ghosting,
Speaker 4: especially if you're talking about somebody you've been in relationship with, friend, associate,
Speaker 4: like whatever category they're in. I just feel like you
Speaker 4: want to manage that exit the way you would want
Speaker 4: somebody to manage if they were making an exit like
Speaker 4: that with you. I don't know about the ghosting part.
Speaker 1: I definitely agree with literally a situation today where I
Speaker 1: feel like someone definitely crossed the line and they sent
Speaker 1: a real, you know, nice message and I was like, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta respond because I don't like the feeling when
Speaker 1: it has been done to me. Right, But I'm in
Speaker 1: the place even personally where I'm like, Okay, well, how
Speaker 1: do I manage and respect and do what I feel
Speaker 1: is best for me and respect me versus pleasing them
Speaker 1: and their feelings. Because people can do things that are
Speaker 1: so out of pocket that I do feel like you
Speaker 1: can definitely take a step back and take some space.
Speaker 1: It's not that I'm goals to you. I just need
Speaker 1: to take some space, and I'm repositioning you. You no
Speaker 1: longer are in the front seat of my life. I
Speaker 1: don't put you in the nosebleeds. What would you say
Speaker 1: to two people that are working in the confines of
Speaker 1: a business. Yeah, and they have the potential for the
Speaker 1: business too. They can do some damage. Yeah, you know,
Speaker 1: business wise, what is some advice to somebody in that situation?
Speaker 4: You know, I think that's one of the most important relationships.
Speaker 4: You know, That's that's what I would call an associate. Now,
Speaker 4: I'm not saying business partners can't be friends, but I
Speaker 4: do think that there are times when people confuse the
Speaker 4: friendly nature of.
Speaker 2: The relationship with a yeah, you know what I mean.
Speaker 4: And so for me, I make the distinction between like
Speaker 4: a friend and associate, and associate to me with following
Speaker 4: a business partner or co worker team member category. And
Speaker 4: it's this, if I wasn't as good as I am
Speaker 4: with what I do, would we still have relationship? If
Speaker 4: I remove my gift from the equation and it's just
Speaker 4: me and you, will we still have relationship?
Speaker 2: Right? I don't think that's being cynical.
Speaker 4: I think that's being honest, and it keeps you from
Speaker 4: setting yourself up for unnecessary frustration or hurt and pain
Speaker 4: down the line because you are confusing someone who's an
Speaker 4: associate with a friend. So it doesn't mean a relationship
Speaker 4: can't be friendly, but it does mean that you recognize
Speaker 4: this relationship exists because of what I do, not just
Speaker 4: who I am, where friendship has a completely different set
Speaker 4: of criteria. So I feel like, no matter what, when
Speaker 4: it comes to the business relationship, whether it is friends
Speaker 4: or whether it is associates, you want to respect the
Speaker 4: personal relationship. You want to love the personal relationship enough
Speaker 4: to get the business right. So this is where I
Speaker 4: feel like people kind of get wires cross when it
Speaker 4: comes to business relationship. They feel like, because we have
Speaker 4: a personal relationship, you should kind of be more laxed,
Speaker 4: less excellent and give me more room for failure and
Speaker 4: sloppiness because we're friends, yes, or because there's a friendly
Speaker 4: aspect of our relationship. What I would say is no,
Speaker 4: because there's a friendly aspect of our relationship, I want
Speaker 4: to make sure the sloppy business doesn't get in the
Speaker 4: way of the friendship or get in the way of
Speaker 4: this relationship. So let's make sure we manage the business
Speaker 4: properly so that we can be productive on the business side.
Speaker 4: But that productivity on the business side protects the personal
Speaker 4: aspect of the relationship.
Speaker 2: It's easy for us.
Speaker 4: To be friends when to be friendly, when things are
Speaker 4: going well, it's progressing, there's not a lot of stress
Speaker 4: and strain and struggle. So I really feel like managing
Speaker 4: those business partnerships and and those relationships with that in
Speaker 4: mind is incredibly important. And I've seen people be destroyed
Speaker 4: and crushed when they finally get the revelation that what
Speaker 4: I thought was a friendship is actually just a partnership.
Speaker 4: So I think it's important to go into that man
Speaker 4: eyes wide open.
Speaker 1: I've seen so many people use the word oh, that's
Speaker 1: my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend, that's my friend.
Speaker 1: And I do feel like I feel sorry for people
Speaker 1: who are in a position where those lines do get blurred,
Speaker 1: where you even talk about assignments. Yeah, like you have
Speaker 1: to know I'm not your you're not friends, I am
Speaker 1: assigned to you, and those lines get so blurred and
Speaker 1: so cross, And I've seen people's feelings hurt.
Speaker 2: You better believe it.
Speaker 1: Feeling so hurt that word friend. We use that word
Speaker 1: very very loosely, and you talk about it's got to
Speaker 1: be reciprocated in some fruit here for me to call
Speaker 1: you a friend.
Speaker 4: Yeah, definitely. But you know that's that's the whole concept
Speaker 4: of out relational intelligence. It's not about being smug or
Speaker 4: cynical or harsh or whatever, but it's just about being
Speaker 4: wise in the area of our relationships, just being intentional.
Speaker 4: And so for me, that's about this whole thing of
Speaker 4: like defining and aligning your relationships. I don't want to
Speaker 4: call you something that you aren't because if I call
Speaker 4: you that, I'm going to expect you to be that
Speaker 4: for me, because I'm.
Speaker 2: Gonna be that for you.
Speaker 4: That makes sense and so and so what happens is
Speaker 4: when you're using the word so friendship. One of the
Speaker 4: ways friendship is seen or exposed is by reciprocity. It
Speaker 4: doesn't mean that you do the same thing for me
Speaker 4: that I do for you, but it does mean there's
Speaker 4: reciprocity in the relationship in the sense that we both
Speaker 4: add value to each other's lives.
Speaker 2: In some kind of way.
Speaker 4: And it doesn't even mean we add value to each
Speaker 4: other's lives on the same level. But it does mean Yo,
Speaker 4: there's reciprocity in this relationship, absolutely, but when there is not,
Speaker 4: some people end up frustrated, mad, hurt, and upset and
Speaker 4: it's like, No, you were calling that person a friend,
Speaker 4: but they were just kind of an associate, Or you
Speaker 4: were calling them a friend, but that was kind of
Speaker 4: an assignment. That's somebody you were mentoring, helping, and when
Speaker 4: you go into it, when you go into a relationship
Speaker 4: and manage a relationship with those expectations, it reduces the
Speaker 4: likelihood you're going to be frustrated.
Speaker 2: You know what I mean?
Speaker 4: Absolutely, I'm giving more in this relationship than what I'm
Speaker 4: going to get, and I'm okay with that because you're
Speaker 4: a mentee. I feel like that's what's really Keep going
Speaker 4: in with eyes wide open so that you know where
Speaker 4: to make investments and where you can have realistic expectations.
Speaker 1: Mike drop Doctor Darius. He's known to drop many bars,
Speaker 1: not only in relational intelligence, but y'all got to listen
Speaker 1: to some of his sermons. I'd be like, Yo, he
Speaker 1: should be a ghostwriter for some of these rappers out here,
Speaker 1: because he just dropped something.
Speaker 4: Oh, I grew up in a different, different era. These
Speaker 4: guys would not want me to write for them. Well,
Speaker 4: I don't think the guy's in my era.
Speaker 1: I don't know. I got some folks in mind who
Speaker 1: are great and what they do. But I'm like, yo,
Speaker 1: if you take what doctor Darius just said and then
Speaker 1: you put your swag on in your wrap style, you
Speaker 1: would absolutely be dope. But AnyWho, that's a whole other podcast.
Speaker 1: We were talking about where to put people in their
Speaker 1: relationships and if they're an assignment an associate. You also
Speaker 1: talk about if they are an advisor. But I want
Speaker 1: to talk about you. In the beginning of the book,
Speaker 1: you talk about how we are made for connection, we
Speaker 1: are made for relationships, and you ask the question, are
Speaker 1: your relationships holding you back or propelling you forward in
Speaker 1: your purpose? So are you saying that the relationships in
Speaker 1: your life they have to be aligned with where you're going.
Speaker 2: I'm saying two things.
Speaker 1: I'm okay with that, too, bad way, I agree with that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I'm saying two things.
Speaker 4: All right. So the first thing I'm saying is there's
Speaker 4: no such thing as neutral relationships. So that's a myth,
Speaker 4: like you're either going forward or backwards. Now, sometimes the
Speaker 4: movement is incremental, so you don't feel it, you know
Speaker 4: what I mean.
Speaker 2: So it's like somebody could be taking you back and you.
Speaker 4: Don't even know they're taking you back because they're not
Speaker 4: taking you back fast.
Speaker 2: It's just incremental.
Speaker 4: Then all of a sudden, you kind of come to
Speaker 4: yourself one day and you like, I ain't really happy
Speaker 4: when I.
Speaker 2: Talk to her. You know, it just hits you one time.
Speaker 2: You're like, yo, every time I get off the phone
Speaker 2: with them, or am I.
Speaker 4: Just I feel less optimistic, I feel low, I feel blow,
Speaker 4: But you don't always notice that immediately, you know what
Speaker 4: I'm saying.
Speaker 2: So, like, I'm not saying.
Speaker 4: That every relationship that is taking you backwards is going
Speaker 4: to destroy your life. I'm just saying it might destroy
Speaker 4: your peace, it might destroy your focus, it might destroy
Speaker 4: your productivity over a period of time.
Speaker 2: So that's the first thing I'm saying. It's no such
Speaker 2: thing as neutral relationships.
Speaker 4: Okay, since there's no such thing as neutral relationships, you're
Speaker 4: helping me go forward, are you pulling me back? You
Speaker 4: add value to my life or you're taking value from me.
Speaker 4: You're making deposits or withdrawals. You're bringing me joy, your pain. Right,
Speaker 4: you're helping me get the destiny or your distraction. It's
Speaker 4: no neutral relationships. If that's the case, you want to
Speaker 4: make sure. I'm not talking about using people, but you
Speaker 4: do want to make sure that your relationships are aligned
Speaker 4: with where you think you're going, because if not, that
Speaker 4: relationship is not an asset, it's a liability. And when
Speaker 4: I say that, I'm not just talking work, I'm not
Speaker 4: just talking job. Like where do you want to go mentally?
Speaker 4: Like what kind of head space do you want to
Speaker 4: live in? So there was this group of psychologists that
Speaker 4: did this focused group it's pretty diverse focus group of
Speaker 4: people here in America, right to come up with one
Speaker 4: word that would describe the email emotional state of most
Speaker 4: people in America. And then like the word that they
Speaker 4: came out with was this word languishing.
Speaker 2: Like so, no matter how many bags.
Speaker 4: Or cars, or how much money's in the bank, how
Speaker 4: much people are progressing professionally, the average person isn't thriving.
Speaker 2: They're like languishing. They're just going alone to get along.
Speaker 4: So if you want to get out of that mentally
Speaker 4: and you want to move forward in your mind, you've
Speaker 4: got to be strategic. Now, I'm not saying that stuck out,
Speaker 4: but I'm saying you got to be strategic and you
Speaker 4: got to have a standard when it comes to your
Speaker 4: relational life, because if not, you're going to get in
Speaker 4: the car with people who are going.
Speaker 2: In the wrong direction.
Speaker 1: Direction.
Speaker 2: You'll be mad when you get that.
Speaker 1: Yes, and then you did the same wrong place, wrong time.
Speaker 1: You should have known who you was getting in the
Speaker 1: car with. You got to know who you are getting
Speaker 1: into relationship with. I'm gonna admit when I first started
Speaker 1: reading Relational Intelligence, I had to put it down for
Speaker 1: a minute. And I'm gonna tell you why, because sometimes
Speaker 1: you could pick up this book thinking about what you're
Speaker 1: gonna see in another person. Okay, No, it was for me,
Speaker 1: and also how I have been in relationships. I hope
Speaker 1: I'm articulating it correctly by how we can read something
Speaker 1: and we can be like, hm, so and so need
Speaker 1: to read this, because if they read this, we would
Speaker 1: have these problems. Oh no, Even in this book you
Speaker 1: have personal assessments. Even the first question, in what ways
Speaker 1: do I demonstrate unshakable character?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Not in what ways does he or she like? I said,
Speaker 1: because if he wouldn't have done this if she no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1: What are you doing? Are you trustworthy? Are you dependable?
Speaker 1: Are you a safe person to be in relationship? Even
Speaker 1: business wise? How are you taking care of business while
Speaker 1: you're at work? Can people depend on you? It's not
Speaker 1: always about somebody else?
Speaker 2: Yeah, here is Michelle, here's a question. The question is this.
Speaker 4: It's one I want to ask myself with my friends,
Speaker 4: with people I lead and serve, etc. Are you the
Speaker 4: person that the person you looking for is looking for?
Speaker 4: Are you the person that the person you looking for
Speaker 4: is looking for? Like you looking for a certain type
Speaker 4: of person with that certain type of persons looking for
Speaker 4: a certain type of person. Are you the person that
Speaker 4: the person you're looking for is looking for? I think
Speaker 4: that's important. So for me, it's almost like, Yo, would
Speaker 4: God really be good to send that person to you?
Speaker 4: Like would you be as big a blessing to them
Speaker 4: as they are to you? Especially if we're talking about
Speaker 4: the friendship category. I'm not talking about other categories where
Speaker 4: people are just they come into your life and they
Speaker 4: help you, and they open doors for you, they mentor you,
Speaker 4: they coach you. There's not going to be a lot
Speaker 4: of reciprocity there. But when we're talking about that friendship category.
Speaker 4: I think that's a completely different conversation because I believe
Speaker 4: Michelle straight up and I'm not keep going back to
Speaker 4: friendship is because I believe that's the most important category
Speaker 4: in the book because you're going to be more transparent
Speaker 4: with your friends than you are with your mentor is
Speaker 4: it going to take you a while to really keep
Speaker 4: it one hundred with your mentor. I noticed I'm a
Speaker 4: spiritual leader, so I recognize it's like, yo, most of
Speaker 4: the time, I'm gonna get a I'm gonna get a
Speaker 4: representation of who somebody really is to the bottom fall out. Now,
Speaker 4: when the bottom fall out, then all the rest. But
Speaker 4: you know what, they friends know the real deal. So
Speaker 4: being strategic about that friendship category is really important because
Speaker 4: those are the people that are probably going to be
Speaker 4: advising you the most, speaking into your life the most,
Speaker 4: and they got the potential to help you the most,
Speaker 4: and vice versa, vice versa.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I absolutely agree with that. This book has just
Speaker 1: been so profound, making me asking myself, how do I
Speaker 1: know that I'm the good friend, that I'm the type
Speaker 1: of person that someone wants to be a friend with,
Speaker 1: that I'm the type of person that I'm looking for.
Speaker 1: You have to be what's on that list too.
Speaker 2: Sorry, that conversation definitely a different podcast.
Speaker 1: Definitely a different podcast conversation. It was a dating conversation.
Speaker 1: But I'm sorry. I have had someone, I mean a
Speaker 1: dear best friend of mine and I'm and I've been assessing, Okay,
Speaker 1: I can do this, I can be more attentive, I
Speaker 1: can do this, I can show up more. I can
Speaker 1: because sometimes people would feel like they show up for you,
Speaker 1: but you don't show up for them, you know. Right now,
Speaker 1: it's been a little difficult because of the pandemic, so
Speaker 1: we've had to go above and beyond. Maybe your facetimingmore.
Speaker 1: Maybe you're just kind of checking in, saying, hey, just
Speaker 1: checking on you and the family. How are y'all doing,
Speaker 1: Probably more so than we would have outside of a pandemic.
Speaker 1: And speaking of why do you think some relationships are
Speaker 1: thriving in this pandemic and why others are crumbling?
Speaker 2: That's a great question.
Speaker 1: Yea, it's the good question, y'all, doctor said, I asked
Speaker 1: a good question. I'm excited about that.
Speaker 2: Questions are always great. I mean, you're a great interviewer. Hey,
Speaker 2: take heart, here's my thoughts.
Speaker 1: Then I'm a good interviewer.
Speaker 2: Great conversational this, So here's my thoughts. All right. Obviously
Speaker 2: there's no one reason, one size that fits all. But
Speaker 2: generally speaking, here of this, the pandemic.
Speaker 4: Does not break relationships. It exposes them.
Speaker 2: That's all of it. Is It exposed fragile. Sometimes stuff
Speaker 2: is fragile.
Speaker 4: You just don't know until you put pressure on it, right,
Speaker 4: Like it could be a it could be a chair
Speaker 4: sitting in your house and that chair is on you know,
Speaker 4: one leg is on life support of that chair, and
Speaker 4: you don't know it till you put some pressure on it.
Speaker 2: And I think that's all the pandemic was.
Speaker 4: When it came to some relationships, it's like, you know,
Speaker 4: even romantically, it's like people, oh, we like each other,
Speaker 4: but we don't like each other that much to be
Speaker 4: around each other this much.
Speaker 1: So now you want doctor You want someone like doctor
Speaker 1: Darius in your life, by the way, because he tells
Speaker 1: it like it is like some of y'all need to
Speaker 1: just tell somebody I don't like you as much.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, And so I think I think the pandemic exposed,
Speaker 4: it exposes relationships.
Speaker 2: Watch this, but it Also it exposes people.
Speaker 4: Man, it exposes how do you manage other people you
Speaker 4: in relationship with when you're under stress? How do you
Speaker 4: treat people when you under pressure? You know, do other
Speaker 4: people have to be the casualty? Are they the casualty
Speaker 4: of your strain and your uncertainty and the pressure that
Speaker 4: you're living under. So I feel like those that kind
Speaker 4: of thrive were those that like put the roof on
Speaker 4: the house before it started raining. It was like it
Speaker 4: was who actually kind of did the work before the pandemic,
Speaker 4: you know what I mean? When the relationship got tested,
Speaker 4: what they had built was built right, and so it
Speaker 4: was able to withstand it, and other relationships it may
Speaker 4: not have been built the best and it wasn't able
Speaker 4: to withstand it. The question is for those people that
Speaker 4: feel like, man, this thing kind of messed up my
Speaker 4: relationship is whether or not you feel like, am I
Speaker 4: supposed to rebuild this? Or you know, do I realize
Speaker 4: I can't build something better and stronger with these materials?
Speaker 2: Because that that's true.
Speaker 4: Man, Like both people, friends, associates, advisors, assignments, all of that,
Speaker 4: both parties have to be willing to put in the work.
Speaker 4: So sometimes you just got to be honest about that
Speaker 4: and say this person is not willing to put in
Speaker 4: the work or right now, I don't want to put
Speaker 4: in the work for this person, right or wrong. You
Speaker 4: got to be willing to live with those consequences. You
Speaker 4: got to be honest about that.
Speaker 1: You said something living with the consequences. I don't think
Speaker 1: a lot of us like to do that, want to
Speaker 1: do that.
Speaker 2: I know men don't know.
Speaker 4: I know men don't when it comes to relationships, because
Speaker 4: guys will I'm gonna tell you.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell us we want to know GUIDs.
Speaker 4: What I think some of the best advice you could
Speaker 4: get about guys is gonna come from counselors, barbers, coaches,
Speaker 4: the spiritual leaders, guys who deal with a bunch of
Speaker 4: people so they can give you a perspective that's not
Speaker 4: just their opinion based on their experience with a bunch
Speaker 4: of people. And what one guy frame it this way?
Speaker 4: You know what did it say? Like you don't mischell
Speaker 4: water to your well well run. That's why a lot
Speaker 4: of sisters get like these random texts out of nowhere
Speaker 4: from guys. It's like y'all ain't talked to two years
Speaker 4: and now all of a sudden, you get a text
Speaker 4: and it's like what's up.
Speaker 1: You know, you're like, yo, what what's up?
Speaker 2: Come from?
Speaker 4: But a lot of times men have to not have
Speaker 4: to But a lot of times men learn through experience
Speaker 4: that I had something that was invaluable, I didn't know
Speaker 4: it and I didn't value it properly until I lost it.
Speaker 1: Five men could text me that right now and now
Speaker 1: Maude be all their girlfriends at the same time.
Speaker 2: So I think that's that's one of the things that happened.
Speaker 4: So again, I'm not making excuses for that, but I
Speaker 4: have found that to be the experience. I can't tell
Speaker 4: you how many guys it said to me every agent
Speaker 4: stage of life, like ah, man, I let this and
Speaker 4: get away, I let that one get I didn't know
Speaker 4: what I had when I had that. You know, I
Speaker 4: definitely think that's the case with men. I'm not saying
Speaker 4: that's the case with women. But because I am a
Speaker 4: man and because are really leaning a lot in terms
Speaker 4: of mentoring and coaching man, I can say that I've
Speaker 4: experienced that a lot.
Speaker 1: At least you went there, not me. Because I know
Speaker 1: this book isn't just specifically for romantic relationships. But since
Speaker 1: you went there, you probably just actually told the dude
Speaker 1: what to say. I don't know if you know you
Speaker 1: did that. You said you are invaluable. I messed up
Speaker 1: what he just made it so easy. I hope you
Speaker 1: guys rewind this and write down what he said verbatim,
Speaker 1: cause you might get her back if she's not taken,
Speaker 1: or if it's a possibility, he gave you something to
Speaker 1: say to get her back. As far as what single
Speaker 1: people are going through right now in this pandemic, like
Speaker 1: you said, some relationships are thriving, some relationships are just
Speaker 1: absolutely crushed. Generally speaking, what should a single person be
Speaker 1: doing right now during this pandemic regarding relationships?
Speaker 2: This is gonna sound so cliche, but it's true. It
Speaker 2: is true. Facts.
Speaker 1: Come on, tell us.
Speaker 4: Your own personal development should probably be your number one
Speaker 4: priority right now now.
Speaker 2: This is what I mean when.
Speaker 4: I say that, And some people disagree with it, especially
Speaker 4: some people in spiritual space. But I mean, I'm not
Speaker 4: gonna go all into that, but there are reasons that
Speaker 4: I kind of lean this way, and that's this. One
Speaker 4: of the most important things you can do as a
Speaker 4: single person is make sure you don't have anything, or
Speaker 4: you minimize I'm not saying anything. You minimize the unhealthy
Speaker 4: impulses that have been driving your bad picks.
Speaker 1: The impulses that have been dry.
Speaker 2: Or bad picks.
Speaker 4: So like if you it's hard to have a good
Speaker 4: relationship with a bad pick. And I don't think compatibility
Speaker 4: is a myth. Compatibility is real in the spiritual space,
Speaker 4: it's real in the nonspiritual space.
Speaker 2: It's real.
Speaker 4: So for me, I think if somebody is honest enough
Speaker 4: to like just kind of look back at some of
Speaker 4: the bar picks, you just gotta be like, yo, I'm
Speaker 4: too smart to be picking like that. So it must
Speaker 4: be something else besides my brain that's influencing these.
Speaker 2: Picks that I'm making.
Speaker 4: So during this time of quarantine, let me try to
Speaker 4: figure out what is it that's driving me to make
Speaker 4: some of these picks, so I can deal with that
Speaker 4: so that next time I'm not even gonna say you're
Speaker 4: gonna pick differently. You can at least pick better. And
Speaker 4: I feel like that's what's really important.
Speaker 1: Man, Well should we pick different or better?
Speaker 2: You know?
Speaker 4: I do feel like that there are times like some
Speaker 4: people always think that better is different, and I'm not sure,
Speaker 4: that's the case. Sometimes there is a type of person
Speaker 4: that you prefer, So let's just deal with like assertive,
Speaker 4: accomplish women who are leading in the marketplace.
Speaker 2: Let's deal with that. So there's this myth that this
Speaker 2: cultural myth.
Speaker 4: I think it's a misnomer, but this is this myth
Speaker 4: that like, yo, those women aren't good in relationships, they're
Speaker 4: condescending there, whatever, whatever. And there might be a man
Speaker 4: who had a bad experience with dating that type of woman.
Speaker 4: Well that doesn't mean that there isn't a type of
Speaker 4: a woman like that out there that may be more
Speaker 4: aligned with what he wants. So I'm not saying he
Speaker 4: should always abandon that type of woman or vice versa,
Speaker 4: that she was on the other foot with women and men,
Speaker 4: But I am saying that that maybe nothing's wrong with
Speaker 4: the type you're looking for. Maybe something's wrong with the
Speaker 4: type that you picking.
Speaker 1: Y'all heard that maybe.
Speaker 4: Needs some more tools to kind of you know, I
Speaker 4: don't really think. I don't know why you're trying to
Speaker 4: give me counseled. I don't know. I don't know why
Speaker 4: people don't often pause for a minute to get crystal
Speaker 4: clear on what they non negotiables are. When it comes
Speaker 4: to relationships and data, then that way that just gives
Speaker 4: you more clarity and more direction, more vision, if you will,
Speaker 4: when it comes to who does and who doesn't fit,
Speaker 4: what would work for you, Like, you got to be
Speaker 4: honest about that. If you honest about that on the
Speaker 4: front end, then it really helps you reduce heartbreak. It
Speaker 4: really helps you reduce unnecessary relationships.
Speaker 1: Someone yeah, waste.
Speaker 4: Experiences, you know, It's just it really does if people
Speaker 4: kind of take the time just to be honest with
Speaker 4: you about you. And so sometimes people are so busy
Speaker 4: judging what they want that they're not honest about what
Speaker 4: they want, and so they get into something that they
Speaker 4: don't want and it don't work because you weren't honest
Speaker 4: with you. You not gonna be happy with that, That's sense.
Speaker 4: I don't know why I jumped on that.
Speaker 1: You hopped on something that I was gonna save for
Speaker 1: next time, and I think I am. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: ask you this question and then I'm gonna just press end.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna leave us with a cliffhanger. Do men really
Speaker 1: know what to do with the woman that comes with
Speaker 1: her own to the table? Hold up? Can he really
Speaker 1: handle that. She has sound opinions and suggestions or should
Speaker 1: she keep them to herself? If she doesn't keep them
Speaker 1: to herself, is that considered not letting the man lead?
Speaker 1: Now she's coming into the picture with life experience, home ownership,
Speaker 1: bought cars, operates a business. Can a man handle it?
Speaker 1: And if he can handle it, what are things that
Speaker 1: a woman must do to still honor him. We can
Speaker 1: talk about that now our next time, everybody, or you
Speaker 1: can leave us with something for the next time.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 4: I think that's a completely different conversation. But yes, here's
Speaker 4: like my one sentence kind of response to that. So
Speaker 4: the answer is, you know, can men handle that?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 4: The question is how do you determine what man actually can,
Speaker 4: not what man says he can, because sometimes men and women, yes, sir,
Speaker 4: absolutely inaccurately assess what you can really handle? Think until
Speaker 4: you get it, until you get it. Yeah, So I
Speaker 4: think I think that the answers yes, But the question is, yeah,
Speaker 4: how do you discern a man? What are the kind
Speaker 4: of character traits of a man that can actually handle
Speaker 4: that so that you can see it for yourself and
Speaker 4: not just listen to what he tells you.
Speaker 1: Y'all, this is going to have to go for part two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
Speaker 1: and nine ten. Doctor Darius Daniels, thank you so much
Speaker 1: for joining me on Checking in. Everybody you have to
Speaker 1: get his book Relational Intelligence, and he definitely is just
Speaker 1: giving us the people skills that you need for the
Speaker 1: life of purpose that you want. This book will definitely
Speaker 1: help you in every area of your life relationally. Doctor Darius,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being with us today, and
Speaker 1: you'll promise you'll come back for sure for suw for
Speaker 1: the next conversation. You might need a posse, you might
Speaker 1: need some other men to, you know, just kind of
Speaker 1: back you because I might have a possive woman with
Speaker 1: me and we gonna we gotta go in on what
Speaker 1: we were talking about, all right, even though we know
Speaker 1: you can hold your own. But once again, I appreciate
Speaker 1: you so much for your time in being with us
Speaker 1: today on checking in with Michelle Williams.
Speaker 2: It's my pleasure glad to be with you.
Speaker 1: I have so many thoughts about what doctor Darius has
Speaker 1: shared with us. Like I said in his book, I
Speaker 1: did have to put it down for a few minutes
Speaker 1: because sometimes it is hard to assess something about yourself.
Speaker 1: We say we want to, but sometimes it is hard
Speaker 1: to look in the mirror and say what kind of
Speaker 1: friend am I? Or what type of friend do I
Speaker 1: feel someone needs? And then ultimately I want to be
Speaker 1: the friend that God wants me to be. And it
Speaker 1: is okay, you are not going to be perfect. This
Speaker 1: podcast isn't for perfect people. I have made mistakes in relationships.
Speaker 1: I've ghosted people. Maybe I had didn't return a phone
Speaker 1: call in the most timely manner, or maybe I was
Speaker 1: kind of afraid to even speak up and speak my
Speaker 1: mind in a relationship. And so I've just been so
Speaker 1: strengthened and encouraged. And I hope you all have two
Speaker 1: about how you can be in a relationship and that
Speaker 1: there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but we
Speaker 1: can be as close to perfect as we are of
Speaker 1: how we treat people in the relationship, and just continue
Speaker 1: to assess yourself, not anybody else, because that's what we
Speaker 1: can do. Wanned I've done it. I'm always assessing somebody else. No, Now,
Speaker 1: this is a time in the season and guess what,
Speaker 1: the pandemic is perfect time to be assessing who we
Speaker 1: are in relationships. And Ephesians fourign two says be completely
Speaker 1: humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Speaker 1: I think that passage is so simple, be completely humble
Speaker 1: and gentle and be patient. I want somebody to be
Speaker 1: humble and gentle with me, and I definitely want somebody
Speaker 1: to be patient with me. I'm gonna tell you right
Speaker 1: now now. It's not that I'm a lot to handle,
Speaker 1: but there could be moments where anxiety is trying to
Speaker 1: take over. I can be totally emotional about something, and
Speaker 1: I totally want someone to be patient with me. I've
Speaker 1: learned patience is so important because you never know the
Speaker 1: person that you're in relationship with. You never know what
Speaker 1: was going on in their day that maybe constituted some behavior.
Speaker 1: But I do believe though, if something is toxic or
Speaker 1: absolutely abusive and dangerous, that's another thing, as far as
Speaker 1: having to set a boundary with somebody that's doing that,
Speaker 1: or to totally eliminate that person from your life. I'm
Speaker 1: talking about being patient and gentle and humble and bearing
Speaker 1: with one another in love with somebody that you know
Speaker 1: we are building something. And I feel like a soulmate
Speaker 1: doesn't always apply to a romantic relationship. I believe I
Speaker 1: have some soul mates in just non romantic relationships, are
Speaker 1: purposes aligned, or I know that they have purpose. So
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be a hindrance to their purpose. I
Speaker 1: am going to add to their purpose. I'm going to
Speaker 1: help in any way possible. That's my checking in moment.
Speaker 1: Tune in next time for Checking In with Michelle Williams.
Speaker 1: Checking In with Michelle Williams is a production of iHeartRadio
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