Speaker 1: I am a Yamlah, and the reason I'm your guide
Speaker 1: is because I've probably experienced everything you could possibly imagine
Speaker 1: as a result of a relationship. Betrayal, abandonment, rejection, sheer, joy, sheer, utter, heartbreak,
Speaker 1: and most of all, healing, growth and evolution. Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Our Spot, a production of shondaland Audio in partnership
Speaker 1: with I Heart Radio. Relationships are life's classroom. That's where
Speaker 1: we go to learn to heal, to stretch, to grow,
Speaker 1: to work through problems, to work out problems. We go
Speaker 1: into relationships to learn how to communicate. We go into
Speaker 1: relationships to learn where we're broken and wounded so that
Speaker 1: we can have an opportunity to heal. And no place
Speaker 1: do I find opportunities for healing more present than in
Speaker 1: our relationships with our family. Family relationships, whether it's mother, child,
Speaker 1: or sibling, and family relationships are lifetime relationships. If you
Speaker 1: share blood with someone, that person is going to be
Speaker 1: in your life forever. Now you get to choose how.
Speaker 1: You get to choose if you see them or communicate
Speaker 1: with them. You get to choose how you interact with them.
Speaker 1: But you cannot throw a loved one out of your
Speaker 1: heart and out of your mind. So today we are
Speaker 1: going to journey into the breakdowns and betrayals that occur
Speaker 1: in family relationships. And for some reason, we think that
Speaker 1: because they are mother or father, or sister or brother,
Speaker 1: they're not human, and because we're in relationship with someone
Speaker 1: we're related to by blood, we may think that they
Speaker 1: should behave other than human. Your mother shouldn't make any mistakes,
Speaker 1: your father shouldn't have any deficiencies, your sister should behave
Speaker 1: like you think she should, your brother shouldn't borrow money
Speaker 1: the humans. But it's those blood ties and those expectations
Speaker 1: and that closeness that we have experience that make family
Speaker 1: betrayals all the more difficult to live through and sometimes
Speaker 1: to heal. But family relationships there your foundation. That's where
Speaker 1: you learned everything about relationship. So when there's a breakdown
Speaker 1: in a family relationship, trust me when I tell you
Speaker 1: it's gonna stir up all of your stuff. And if
Speaker 1: you don't address it as if you're human are in
Speaker 1: relationship with another human, if you don't surrender your expectations
Speaker 1: of the other person, it's going to be really, really
Speaker 1: hard to heal. But we're going to talk about that
Speaker 1: and so much more today here on the Our Spot
Speaker 1: as we take a deep, hard look at family betrayals.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Our Spot where we discuss all things
Speaker 1: about all kinds of relationships. So glad you're here with us.
Speaker 1: So tell me what is the challenge issue problem that
Speaker 1: you're having and in what relationship that we can talk
Speaker 1: about today that's been betrayed by a husband? Um? Friends, Um,
Speaker 1: I got over them, but betrayed by family members, especially
Speaker 1: your sisters and mothers and father. We cool up in
Speaker 1: the same house, so I really, UM didn't expect that
Speaker 1: at all from her. So your sister betrayed you, Yes,
Speaker 1: my sister, Okay, tell me what happened. So happen is? Um?
Speaker 1: I was at the time, I was young and I
Speaker 1: was married, my first husband, and we had three little kids,
Speaker 1: there were three, four and five, and I was going
Speaker 1: through so much. I was losing apartment and she said,
Speaker 1: Florida has had too bad. At least it's not cold.
Speaker 1: Because I was in Connecticut. She said, why don't you
Speaker 1: move to Florida and you can stay with me, and
Speaker 1: you know from there you can get a job, and
Speaker 1: you know you can get back on your feet and
Speaker 1: you know, stuff like that, and it sounded good. So
Speaker 1: I moved. I left her husband behind, and I told him,
Speaker 1: you know, I was gonna move to Florida and get
Speaker 1: a better job. When I get an apartment, and I
Speaker 1: would call for him, you know, things like that. Um.
Speaker 1: So when I came to Florida just two weeks later,
Speaker 1: it was her boyfriend at the time, but they were
Speaker 1: living in together, and this man started asking me out.
Speaker 1: I wish I had met you first. Um. Every time
Speaker 1: she goes to work, he will try to talk to me. Um,
Speaker 1: let's go out. She want to know, And I didn't
Speaker 1: feel right, just keep saying no to him and her
Speaker 1: not knowing. So I just thought that was a bad man.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell her, you know, don't marry someone like that,
Speaker 1: you know, just take him to the curve. And so
Speaker 1: I told her. Um. But I called her from work
Speaker 1: and I told her, I said, I over her him
Speaker 1: talking to all the women too, and not just me.
Speaker 1: She said, oh my god, you're right, because the name
Speaker 1: you told me, it's true. She said, when I come home,
Speaker 1: it's gonna kick him out. So when she came home,
Speaker 1: she had a night job, evening jobs, so she came
Speaker 1: over on eleven thirty. I was sleeping by then with
Speaker 1: the kids. Um, and next ting I know the police
Speaker 1: were there. So the police said, she wants me to
Speaker 1: get out right now, and AS thought she was kidding.
Speaker 1: So I went back in my in the room where
Speaker 1: I was staying, and I with the kids. The kids
Speaker 1: were sleeping and we continued to sleep and next time
Speaker 1: I know the police that I gotta get out or
Speaker 1: they will already me. So I saw that she was
Speaker 1: really um. She wasn't joking. So I was crying and crying.
Speaker 1: So I got out. I didn't even have a car,
Speaker 1: so I managed to call her best friend, and her
Speaker 1: best friend came. She she came got me. I mean
Speaker 1: think that was after that, but that's all. Bottom line
Speaker 1: is I just couldn't believe that she would do that. Wow,
Speaker 1: So that's the story. Yeah, So how long ago did
Speaker 1: that happen? It happened so long ago, And that's what
Speaker 1: I would think by now, she would, you know, be better.
Speaker 1: My son was five and he's six now. Wow, So
Speaker 1: twenty one years ago, your sister chose a man over you. Yes,
Speaker 1: and it didn't last for her, It didn't even last.
Speaker 1: That doesn't matter what we're looking at is what happened
Speaker 1: and how you healed it, because the truth is it's
Speaker 1: still not healed. Yes, if she still isn't speaking to you,
Speaker 1: or if you'll still don't have a relationship, but it's
Speaker 1: not me, it is you. It's always you. Yeah, it's
Speaker 1: always you. And so the question becomes in your mind,
Speaker 1: in your quiet times, in the darkness, when nobody else
Speaker 1: is around, what are the doubts that you have or
Speaker 1: the questions you have about whether or not you did
Speaker 1: the right thing by telling her. Well, I still feel
Speaker 1: that I did the right thing, because if I didn't
Speaker 1: do that and she married him for all the things
Speaker 1: that I've heard that she went through with him, then
Speaker 1: I would feel guilty. I would have felt like, like
Speaker 1: what now, I don't feel guilty because I don't feel
Speaker 1: like I did anything wrong. But if I did tell
Speaker 1: her and she married him and then they got a
Speaker 1: divorce because she was cheating doing all these bad things,
Speaker 1: then I would have thought that if because I didn't
Speaker 1: tell her, to see, you did tell her, she married
Speaker 1: him anyway and it ruined your relationship. So here's the question,
Speaker 1: because we're just looking for the place that we can
Speaker 1: go in and clean up any residue, and it's her choice.
Speaker 1: She may maybe she don't like you. She she's got
Speaker 1: that right. Her job is not to like you. She's
Speaker 1: still your sister. She don't have to like you. The
Speaker 1: question is we are in your mind and heart and
Speaker 1: the secret places. Do you question or doubt? Maybe I
Speaker 1: shouldn't have told her. Maybe if I hadn't told her,
Speaker 1: maybe it wasn't my place to tell her. Do you
Speaker 1: have any of those thoughts, feelings, you know in your
Speaker 1: quiet time? Um? Yes, sometimes I do feel maybe I
Speaker 1: should because, like her friend told me, she knew already.
Speaker 1: She said, if you had told me first, I would
Speaker 1: have told you. She already knew. So it would have
Speaker 1: been a better just not to tell her because she
Speaker 1: would have taken that path of marrying him. Anyway, What
Speaker 1: was your intention for telling her? What did you want
Speaker 1: to happen when you told her that? Yes, because she
Speaker 1: had already married um from high school and that didn't
Speaker 1: go well. That was the main reason she moved to
Speaker 1: Florida and right away she met this guy and then
Speaker 1: he was doing that again. So on my mind, like, well,
Speaker 1: let me prevent her from making another mistake. That was
Speaker 1: the main reason. Did she excuse to help her, No,
Speaker 1: mm hmmm. And did she ask you to protect her
Speaker 1: from her mistakes? No? No, no, mm hmm. So you
Speaker 1: took it upon yourself to do that. And I'm not
Speaker 1: saying it was wrong, because that is a challenge I
Speaker 1: learned very young in my life with my best friend.
Speaker 1: We're still friends to this very day. But I learned
Speaker 1: very young in life the last thing you want to
Speaker 1: do is tell a woman something about her. Man. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm learned that now, but I wouldn't think that. Yes,
Speaker 1: but I want to help you understand that's the last
Speaker 1: thing you want to do. And I faced that situation twice.
Speaker 1: I must have been about seventeen. It happened with my
Speaker 1: best friend and I said something to her about him,
Speaker 1: and she cut me off and it took us a
Speaker 1: number of years to repair that relationship. But it was
Speaker 1: when she got clear that, oh my god, you know
Speaker 1: you were just trying to help me and I was
Speaker 1: stupid and blah blah blah. The second time it happened,
Speaker 1: because I learned from the first time, I didn't say
Speaker 1: anything to her. I said it to him. I said,
Speaker 1: if you ever open your mouth and say that to
Speaker 1: me again. I'm gonna tell her, and I'm gonna tell
Speaker 1: her in your face, because I learned it's very hard
Speaker 1: to tell a woman something about her. Man. I get
Speaker 1: that you were trying to protect your sister, but in
Speaker 1: that moment, she was not your sister. She was just
Speaker 1: another woman, and you were a threat to her. You
Speaker 1: get that. I didn't see it like that at all.
Speaker 1: I'm glad I called. The other thing is, can you
Speaker 1: imagine how guilty, not guilty, but how embarrassed she is
Speaker 1: that you were right? Mm hm, you know that's all
Speaker 1: key tent right there. You're very right about that. I've
Speaker 1: been thinking about that, lady, I said, she wants to
Speaker 1: be embarrassed because she probably cannot believe that I'm willy
Speaker 1: forgiving her also for taking me out. Maybe it has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with her forgiving you, and everything to
Speaker 1: do with her forgiving herself. Yeah, she cannot forgive you
Speaker 1: until she forgives herself. And there's probably a laundry list
Speaker 1: of things that she needs to forgive herself for. First
Speaker 1: of all, she knew if you knew, and her best
Speaker 1: friend knew she knew, and she hoped he would be different. Mhm.
Speaker 1: That you saw it and knew that's embarrassing. Yes, that
Speaker 1: this is her second failed relationship or just another failed relationship.
Speaker 1: The shame in that, so her not wanting to you
Speaker 1: this amend this even after twenty one years, doesn't have
Speaker 1: anything to do with you and the betrayal there. While
Speaker 1: she violated your trust, she invited you to Florida, told
Speaker 1: you to come and live with her. When this situation
Speaker 1: came up, she abandoned you. That is a form of betrayal.
Speaker 1: But what you're really dealing with is watching her betray herself. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I didn't see it like that. Wow. Then we'll talk
Speaker 1: more about that right after this. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: art spot. I am yam La. Let's get back to
Speaker 1: the conversation. So why can't I say what can I
Speaker 1: do in order for her to know that I really considar.
Speaker 1: So I went to see my father and my mom,
Speaker 1: but my thought was sick and I that's when I
Speaker 1: talked to her night. That's when I really wanted her
Speaker 1: to see that I'm her friend, said, I didn't tell
Speaker 1: about her past. I gave her money, I gave her
Speaker 1: children money, and she's still not trying to get close
Speaker 1: to me. Leave her alone, Okay, love her from a distance.
Speaker 1: Stop trying to prove because every time now the fact
Speaker 1: that you have elevated and grown and your life is
Speaker 1: shifted and she may still be struggling, that's even more
Speaker 1: embarrassing because that says that you're right and she was wrong,
Speaker 1: and she will do everything in her power for you
Speaker 1: not to see her wrongness. So every attempt that you
Speaker 1: make to repair this deepens her. Probably I don't know
Speaker 1: it to be true, but I'm just looking at it.
Speaker 1: Probably deepens her shame, her embarrassment. But you know, because
Speaker 1: trust me and her mind, you destroyed her life. Wow.
Speaker 1: So that's why I say it is you. Wow. You
Speaker 1: know cent her birthday card, a Christmas card? Leave her alone.
Speaker 1: I never understood it before, but you just said something.
Speaker 1: You said, um like, you just said that. It didn't
Speaker 1: ask me. I have lost friends over my opinion. I'm
Speaker 1: working on that. But I always felt like it's my
Speaker 1: job to tell people what I think, because I always
Speaker 1: thought that it was being honest. But I'm not so
Speaker 1: many people. Sometimes people with ages, sometimes we're not want
Speaker 1: to come close because they feel like, oh, she's gonna
Speaker 1: tell me what I should do. Well, a good practice
Speaker 1: that you can employ, or you could engage. Let's ask
Speaker 1: them so you know, I have something on my heart
Speaker 1: about you. For you, it's kind of personal, and i'd
Speaker 1: like to know if you want to hear it. And
Speaker 1: if they say, what's it about, Well, it's about your husband,
Speaker 1: or it's about your son, or it's about money, or
Speaker 1: it's about whatever. Give them the opportunity to make the choice.
Speaker 1: That way, if you give them the information what they
Speaker 1: they may still get mad at you, but at least
Speaker 1: you're sharing with them with their permission. Your sister didn't
Speaker 1: ask you to protect her. She didn't ask you to
Speaker 1: stop anything because her her life is her lessons and
Speaker 1: she's got to learn that. And that's the same is
Speaker 1: true for everybody. And here you have, like I said,
Speaker 1: in that moment, you were not her sister. You were
Speaker 1: a threat to her relationship. But she was in love. Right.
Speaker 1: Have you ever been in love with Boo Boo the Fool?
Speaker 1: Me too? Every woman has loved Boo Boo the Fool
Speaker 1: at some point or another. And and when we're in it,
Speaker 1: you can't tell us he's a fool. I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear that, and I probably don't need to hear
Speaker 1: it because there's something Boo Boo has come to teach me.
Speaker 1: Now I may have to marry six boo boos before
Speaker 1: I the lesson. And if you are blind, deaf, dumb
Speaker 1: to the fact that the person that you're with is dishonoring,
Speaker 1: you're disrespecting you, betraying you, and somebody tried to tell you,
Speaker 1: you probably wouldn't fall to your knees and say, oh,
Speaker 1: thank you, thank you for saving me from this. You'd
Speaker 1: probably have a little bit of response. Okay. So that's
Speaker 1: when I say it to you. You show the compassion
Speaker 1: um and protect yourself because it's painful to have your
Speaker 1: sister reject you. One day, she's gonna come to you
Speaker 1: and say, you know, I should have listened to you.
Speaker 1: I should have listened to you. I promise you when
Speaker 1: she gets clear, she's going to say that to you.
Speaker 1: And once she does that, then you know that the
Speaker 1: healing will happen because she has to forgive herself before
Speaker 1: she can forgive you. Okay, thank you for calling, Thank
Speaker 1: you for calling, and keep praying for her. Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: I will light and thank you light and love, thank you.
Speaker 1: Ben betrayal, it's a really challenging topic. And while my
Speaker 1: caller felt she was betrayed, the truth is she was
Speaker 1: the witness to her sister betraying herself and she just
Speaker 1: happened to be collateral damage. She was collateral damage because
Speaker 1: she to call the police and put your sister and
Speaker 1: three children out of your house in the midnight hour.
Speaker 1: That goes beyond betrayal. That's bordering on insanity. And yes,
Speaker 1: that was a betrayal of trust. However, my caller spoke
Speaker 1: to something that is very very important for us to
Speaker 1: understand when it comes to family breakdown. If you're looking
Speaker 1: at your sister, you're younger sister, and you're trying to
Speaker 1: take care of her or your younger brother, and you're
Speaker 1: trying to guide him or your older sister, shouldn't be
Speaker 1: telling you this or that. We've got to understand that
Speaker 1: these are humans. So before they respond like a sister
Speaker 1: or a brother, they're going to respond like a human
Speaker 1: and we don't expect that, and then we take it
Speaker 1: on that because this is my sister, she shouldn't do
Speaker 1: that to me. Well, as I said to the caller,
Speaker 1: you became another woman who was a threat in her relationship.
Speaker 1: She didn't see you as a sister in that moment,
Speaker 1: and she certainly didn't ask for your advice. And that's hard.
Speaker 1: I get it. That's hard when you know something is
Speaker 1: gonna hurt someone you love, you want to try to
Speaker 1: prevent them from being hurt. But that's when I fall
Speaker 1: into or recall something that one of my teachers told
Speaker 1: me a long time ago. She said, it is hard
Speaker 1: to why watch a loved one hit rock bottom, but
Speaker 1: you must remember that God made the rock. Maybe they
Speaker 1: need to fall there so that divine intervention can lift
Speaker 1: them up. Oh, this thing with sisters, I've got another
Speaker 1: caller who's got a problem with another set of sisters,
Speaker 1: and we're gonna get to that call right after this
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the art spot. I've got another caller
Speaker 1: who has a challenge with her sister. Let's dive into that.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the art spot. I am so glad to
Speaker 1: have you here today. And what is the relationship challenge
Speaker 1: your issue you're dealing with. Well, first of all, good morning,
Speaker 1: thank you so much for taking my call. On The
Speaker 1: relationship effect I'm having is directly with my knee that
Speaker 1: it has always been with my sisters for two of
Speaker 1: my sister put it that way. Tell me more. Mmr
Speaker 1: A is the oldest Mster. B and C are twins,
Speaker 1: and so you know you had that twin type of
Speaker 1: relationship love hate, but they will always stick together no
Speaker 1: matter what. And then my niece, I would say, it
Speaker 1: will be me and she is the daughter of who
Speaker 1: she's a daughter of one of the twins or the
Speaker 1: older sister, the older sister. Okay, she's a daughter of
Speaker 1: your niece. Is the daughter of your older sister. Okay, great.
Speaker 1: My niece wanted to do a production, was doing Thanksgiving
Speaker 1: three years ago, and it was okay that she did so.
Speaker 1: And I was in charge of getting the bed and
Speaker 1: breakfast of everything for Thanksgiving and everybody together. And when
Speaker 1: she called me, she says she wanted to do it
Speaker 1: six in the morning, and I said, oh, I don't
Speaker 1: think that's a good idea because we had to get
Speaker 1: a smaller place and people would have been sleeping out
Speaker 1: over the place and bringing in cameras and you know,
Speaker 1: people from the outside at that time. But for sure,
Speaker 1: exactly how everybody will be situated in the in the
Speaker 1: bed and breakfast that we rent it. She's got a
Speaker 1: little hop and the phone hung up. Initially because I
Speaker 1: thought we had this great relationship. I'm thinking something happened
Speaker 1: because I think she was in a car accident the
Speaker 1: way she found it, and I'm like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: this happened to her, you know. So I tried calling
Speaker 1: her back several times and kept going to voicemail, and meanwhile,
Speaker 1: I'm turning to frantic because I'm thinking something that's happened
Speaker 1: to my knees. About forty minutes later, sister and the
Speaker 1: oldest sister called me and said, well, this is what
Speaker 1: we're going to do, and proceeded to say what was
Speaker 1: going to happen at the bed and breakfast? I said once,
Speaker 1: And I said to my niece, I said, did you
Speaker 1: paint that phone up for me? Because I'm trying to
Speaker 1: call you back? And she said, I would never do that.
Speaker 1: I said, but I kept trying to call you back,
Speaker 1: so obviously you were getting the call. And from that
Speaker 1: point on, everything just went downhill. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Went downhill? She stopped speaking to me. I said, okay,
Speaker 1: And we were supposed to all go to Ghana together
Speaker 1: and I decided not to go because I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: spend this kind of money, had people not talk to me.
Speaker 1: And of course sisters, the twin sisters B and C.
Speaker 1: They just rallied around her, because that's just they were
Speaker 1: rally around anybody. And when it comes to me, I know,
Speaker 1: whatever I do something, if somebody doesn't like it, it
Speaker 1: becomes just big fiasco. You did something she didn't like.
Speaker 1: You offered her some unsolicited information and it became a
Speaker 1: big fiasco, a three year fiasco. So you got exactly
Speaker 1: what you expect it. Look at you, and I thought
Speaker 1: myself with that, I just told you do that. And see,
Speaker 1: here's the piece. When we go into anything, you may
Speaker 1: not get what you ask for in life, you may not,
Speaker 1: but you always get what you expect. And if you
Speaker 1: expect it consciously or unconsciously, sometimes you know you're doing it,
Speaker 1: sometimes you don't know you're doing it. You'll set it up.
Speaker 1: So here you made a very innocent statement, I don't
Speaker 1: think that's gonna work because we got the kids. Yes,
Speaker 1: but that wasn't your job to tell her what was
Speaker 1: gonna work and what wasn't gonna work. Because here's another possibility.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, if you're all going to do this in
Speaker 1: six o'clock in the morning. Then I don't think the
Speaker 1: children and I are going to make that because that's
Speaker 1: kind of early. But I get why you want to
Speaker 1: do that, But that's really kind of early. But when
Speaker 1: you said to her what she wanted to do wasn't
Speaker 1: a good idea, do you get that you were out
Speaker 1: of your lane? Yeah? I agree. What she did was
Speaker 1: then she went to her mother, your older sister, knowing
Speaker 1: that she could whip you into shape. Absolutely. And you
Speaker 1: said another interesting thing. You said, the twins will rally
Speaker 1: around anyone when it comes to me. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: I'm involved and anything becomes contentuous. It's always which would
Speaker 1: be her phone, no metal. But because it's just me,
Speaker 1: We've always had this relationship like that. I'm not sure why,
Speaker 1: but it's always been like that. Okay, so there's the
Speaker 1: older sister, then there's you, then there's the twins. So
Speaker 1: you're the middle child. That's why it happens. That's why
Speaker 1: it happens because you're the middle child. And it ain't personal.
Speaker 1: It's what they call the middle child syndrome. I can't
Speaker 1: help being the middle child. Well no you can't. But
Speaker 1: here's what the middle child is. Clutch your pearls the
Speaker 1: middle child is a pain in the butt. Okay, the
Speaker 1: middle child is a pain in the butt. And the
Speaker 1: older one is always saying who side you on? And
Speaker 1: the younger ones are saying whose side is she on?
Speaker 1: The older one will say, you better be on my side,
Speaker 1: and the younger ones will say, she ain't on my side.
Speaker 1: It ain't personal, it's it's just how it happens with siblings.
Speaker 1: And then if you happen, by some slight freaking nature,
Speaker 1: you know, to be an opinionated middle child, well then
Speaker 1: you just you just you jacked up. They you jacked
Speaker 1: up you if you got an opinion, because the big
Speaker 1: one thinks you need to follow me, and the little
Speaker 1: one thinks if I follow her, the big one's gonna
Speaker 1: get me, So I'm usually gonna do what the what
Speaker 1: the older one is saying, that's just it's just sibling rivalry.
Speaker 1: It's just how it happens. But if you hold it
Speaker 1: in consciousness that the two of them, because they're twins
Speaker 1: and they have that bond, are against you, and that
Speaker 1: the older one thinks she's the boss of you, and
Speaker 1: you're gonna do everything in your power to prove to
Speaker 1: her she ain't the boss of you. If you hold
Speaker 1: that in consciousness, yeah, it's always gonna be your fault
Speaker 1: because you are going to get what you expect, and
Speaker 1: that's to be who's faulted it. Now, if your son's
Speaker 1: back up or withdraw, that creates an issue between them
Speaker 1: and their aunt's, between them and their cousins. So how
Speaker 1: one slight misunderstanding, how one misstep could create a total
Speaker 1: breakdown in the family is very, very intriguing and exciting
Speaker 1: to me. Well, it's not just one misstep. It's been
Speaker 1: many over the forty something years. Yes, but but but
Speaker 1: putting to that, there was always tension with the person
Speaker 1: that I married. I found out after I was married
Speaker 1: to him that she had went to bed with him us.
Speaker 1: But I think that really masticized it. Hold up one second,
Speaker 1: you found out that your sister slept with your husband.
Speaker 1: Was he your husband when she slept with him? No,
Speaker 1: he was not. No, Okay, So prior to prior to that, yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: And she didn't she didn't tell you that. He didn't
Speaker 1: tell me that, and he, of course he didn't tell
Speaker 1: me that. And how I found out it was like
Speaker 1: she was always calling me having something negative to say
Speaker 1: about him. Do you have a pencil and a piece
Speaker 1: of paper near you? I want you to write this down. Okay,
Speaker 1: jay E A l you as why what what did
Speaker 1: you just write? Now? Are you gonna act like you
Speaker 1: don't know that exists? Because it's your sister. You're trying
Speaker 1: to make sense out of it. But you're talking about
Speaker 1: siblings and the natural things that happened amongst siblings. Oh,
Speaker 1: she's doing it better, or she they like her more,
Speaker 1: or she does it faster. You know, it's just jealousy
Speaker 1: simply means it's an unpleasant suspicion or a perceived sense
Speaker 1: of rivalry, which happens among siblings. Among sisters, then you're
Speaker 1: talking about four girls. And then you know, if jealousy
Speaker 1: doesn't get addressed or handled, it can elevate into envy,
Speaker 1: which simply means I want what you have and I'm
Speaker 1: mad because you have it. Remember that when it comes
Speaker 1: to a breakdown in a family, one of the hardest
Speaker 1: things to do, and one of the most important things
Speaker 1: to do, is to get on the other person's side
Speaker 1: of the table, look back at the experience and say,
Speaker 1: what must they have been thinking or feeling to behave
Speaker 1: like that? What must they have not what I did
Speaker 1: and didn't do, and what I said and what they said.
Speaker 1: Look back, get on the other side and look back,
Speaker 1: because that's really the only way you can heal it.
Speaker 1: The only way you can heal it is to see
Speaker 1: my I must have hurt my niece or she she
Speaker 1: misunderstood what I said or my tone of voice was
Speaker 1: off that she could have perceived it. You have to
Speaker 1: look back if you want to clean this up. What
Speaker 1: I would offer is if your sister is the oldest,
Speaker 1: write or a letter and I start right, you know,
Speaker 1: wham bam, right between the eyes, I would ask her
Speaker 1: sometimes I feel like, no matter what happens, I'm the blame.
Speaker 1: I'm asking you to help me understand why I feel
Speaker 1: like that. Do you have any idea why? And as
Speaker 1: the middle child, I know that I can be annoying
Speaker 1: or whatever, and it really makes me sad because see,
Speaker 1: you're talking about all these problems. You're not talking about
Speaker 1: your sadness. There's a sadness there that this is going
Speaker 1: on with you and your sister's Okay, okay, this is good.
Speaker 1: So there's a lot of healing that can be done here.
Speaker 1: But I would encourage you to consider making your older
Speaker 1: sister your ally. Does that sound like something you might
Speaker 1: want to consider? Mm hmm. I want you to give
Speaker 1: me a call in about three months and let me
Speaker 1: know how this thing turned out. Okay, I will, and
Speaker 1: I think I'm gonna have the conversation with Okay, well,
Speaker 1: prepare yourself, get ready, pray about it, and move forward
Speaker 1: so much okay, love, bye bye. When it comes to
Speaker 1: any kind of breakdown, but specifically a breakdown among siblings
Speaker 1: where they are more than one sibling involved, your birth
Speaker 1: order plays a very important role because your birth order
Speaker 1: has determined your bonding patterns, and those bonding patterns come
Speaker 1: into play. So, as my caller said, it seems to
Speaker 1: her that the two younger sisters bond together and the
Speaker 1: fact that they're twins doesn't help, and that they bond
Speaker 1: to the older sister, and then because she's the middle child,
Speaker 1: she feels out of place. But it's really some of
Speaker 1: the breakdowns that we experience among siblings or as siblings,
Speaker 1: really have to do with our birth order and our
Speaker 1: bonding pattern and how we see ourselves in that family.
Speaker 1: But when you add to that the fact that because
Speaker 1: of our birth water and because of our family dynamics.
Speaker 1: We don't always speak the truth. We don't truth speak
Speaker 1: to one another. That's what creates the dust bunnies under
Speaker 1: the bed. And then there's a big blow up and
Speaker 1: the whole bed is on fire and we can't figure
Speaker 1: out why. It's because of those dust bunnies. The things
Speaker 1: you haven't said, the things you have let go, the
Speaker 1: things you've been holding in your mind, in your heart,
Speaker 1: that become the filter and become your expectations. Mind this,
Speaker 1: mind this. You may never get what you ask for,
Speaker 1: you will always get what you expect, because an expectation
Speaker 1: is a belief on steroids, and a belief is a
Speaker 1: thought fueled by emotion, and emotion is what determines the
Speaker 1: tides of our life. I really hope that my caller
Speaker 1: and her sisters can start cleaning up some of those
Speaker 1: dust bunnies. There's a lot of them. There are a
Speaker 1: lot of them. It's doable. Just hold the vision. Hold
Speaker 1: the vision. I don't care how deep the breakdown is.
Speaker 1: Hold the vision that the relationship can be healed, and
Speaker 1: then take appropriate steps and start with telling the truth,
Speaker 1: not accusation. Tell the truth. This is how I feel,
Speaker 1: This is what I'm thinking, this is what I thought?
Speaker 1: What did you feel? What did you think? In other words,
Speaker 1: get on the other side of the table, Get on
Speaker 1: the other person side of the table, and look back
Speaker 1: and be willing to hear what they say. Not try
Speaker 1: to fix it or change it. Just be willing to
Speaker 1: hear what they say. And sometimes for siblings, particularly because
Speaker 1: of the birth order and the bonding pattern, that can
Speaker 1: be difficult, but it can be healed. I hope this
Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
Speaker 1: seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and
Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from s on the
Speaker 1: Land Audio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. H