Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Hey, everybody, welcome to the Dallas Joe.
Speaker 3: My name is John Stewart and I am ritten from
Speaker 3: COVID hell.
Speaker 2: First timer. First timer did not care for it.
Speaker 3: I don't want to welcome in all of our viewers
Speaker 3: who are probably joining us from X after watching an
Speaker 3: amazing and surprisingly life affirming conversation.
Speaker 2: You're doing. Donald Trumvi andt Elon Musk. You know.
Speaker 3: When they started quoting their favorite Maya Angelou passages to
Speaker 3: each other. My interpretation to Cage is singing for bitcoin.
Speaker 2: We never got a joke for you tonight. Markkeban is
Speaker 2: going to be joining us later. You know, we mentioned
Speaker 2: our on this program occasionally.
Speaker 3: We do make fun of Donald Trump occasionally, and with
Speaker 3: the ribbing and the joshing and the pulling the pants
Speaker 3: down and the pointing.
Speaker 2: But he's in pain right.
Speaker 4: Now, multiple sources tell The Washington Post, Trump has grown
Speaker 4: increasingly upset about Harris's surging poll numbers.
Speaker 5: Trump is quote complaining relivelessly posting multiple times on social media,
Speaker 5: clearly frustrated with Biden's decision to step aside, saying quote
Speaker 5: now we have to start all over again.
Speaker 2: Not fair Janus a month ago. He's basically already the president.
Speaker 6: He ad cheated death started a new ear accessory trend.
Speaker 6: Back then, people thought his VP selection was a smart choice.
Speaker 3: He had it all in the bag and it was
Speaker 3: taken away.
Speaker 2: He was perfect on the beam. He now at the dismount.
Speaker 3: He was walking the podium to get his medal, and
Speaker 3: Romania files an inquiry at the last right, at the
Speaker 3: last minute.
Speaker 2: And they're just stealing it from him.
Speaker 3: And by the way, Romania file all you want, you're
Speaker 3: not getting a metal back. Oh I'm sorry, we have
Speaker 3: an inquiry. Yeah, good luck. But now, instead of enjoying
Speaker 3: the fruit of six years of Biden attacks, Trump's gotta
Speaker 3: start all over again, and the audience has to literally
Speaker 3: sit through him getting up to speed.
Speaker 7: There are numerous ways of saying her name.
Speaker 2: You can say Kamala.
Speaker 8: You can say Kamala, Kamala, Kamala, Hey, Kamala.
Speaker 9: Trump misspelled Harris's first name as Mabla.
Speaker 3: I get Kamala, I get Kamala, Kamabla. Judges, are we
Speaker 3: taking Kamabla?
Speaker 2: I hope the Romanians don't have a problem with that.
Speaker 3: But you know what, I guess what Trump calls her
Speaker 3: isn't as important as figuring out what she is.
Speaker 7: I don't know is she Indian or is she black?
Speaker 8: Because she was Indian all the way, and then all
Speaker 8: of a sudden, she made a turn and she went she.
Speaker 7: Became a black.
Speaker 2: What am I gonna do.
Speaker 3: With all my Indian ethnic slurs that was gonna use
Speaker 3: mostly involved Termeric Acuman when she made a turn into black.
Speaker 3: He talks about it like she wandered into the wrong neighborhood.
Speaker 3: She went driving on the Upper West Side, and then boom,
Speaker 3: she's in Harlem.
Speaker 2: Boom, what a turn.
Speaker 3: You know what, Donald, You're clearly struggling. Let's get some
Speaker 3: issue oriented ideas flowing here.
Speaker 2: You know we're gonna do. Come on, my brother, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna help you out. Here's what we're gonna do. We're
Speaker 2: gonna do, We're gonna do some.
Speaker 3: Apparently I'm in a musical about gambling. All of a sudden, Yeah,
Speaker 3: all right, here we go. I got my panic, got
Speaker 3: my padic, got advisor. Forget the biographical suffer. Now let's
Speaker 3: focus on the issues.
Speaker 10: I saw it yesterday on ABC. They said, oh, the
Speaker 10: crowd was so big, and I've spoken to the biggest crowds.
Speaker 10: Nobody's spoken to crowds bigger than me.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, that's one of those mom and pop issues
Speaker 3: for the single issue crowd sized voter. I'd move on,
Speaker 3: but you've got more.
Speaker 10: I had one hundred and seven thousand people in New Jersey.
Speaker 10: You didn't report it. I'm so glad you as what
Speaker 10: does she have yesterday? Two thousand people we had in
Speaker 10: Harrisburg twenty twenty five thousand people and twenty thousand people
Speaker 10: couldn't get in. We had so many nobody ever mentions
Speaker 10: that when she gets fifteen hundred, people said, oh, the
Speaker 10: crowd was so big. I have ten times, twenty times,
Speaker 10: thirty times the crowd sized.
Speaker 2: I had an infinite crowd one guy. She had one
Speaker 2: guy named Jeff.
Speaker 3: All right, very clear, you have everybody she has nobody.
Speaker 2: Can we move on?
Speaker 11: He wrote?
Speaker 12: Has anyone noticed that Kamalad cheated at the airport? There
Speaker 12: was nobody at the plane, and she ate Ida and
Speaker 12: showed a massive crowd of so called followers, but they
Speaker 12: didn't exist.
Speaker 2: He goes on to say, she's a cheater.
Speaker 12: She had nobody waiting, and the crowd looked like ten
Speaker 12: thousand people.
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 3: Now all right, for those of you who are almore
Speaker 3: saying like, oh, it sounds like he's losing his mind.
Speaker 3: Just because there's video and photographic evidence that Kamala Harris's
Speaker 3: crowd was real doesn't mean that it was real. And
Speaker 3: then you might say, oh, well, John, I was actually there.
Speaker 3: I was in the crowd, And have you considered you're
Speaker 3: not real? Have you considered that.
Speaker 2: What is this?
Speaker 3: Donald Trump doesn't need to fake news media and their
Speaker 3: AI crowd shots to win this thing because he's got
Speaker 3: inside information on Kamala Harris from someone she used to date.
Speaker 7: Well, I know Willie Brown very well. In fact, I
Speaker 7: went down in a helicopter with him. We thought maybe
Speaker 7: this is the end. We were in a helicopter going to.
Speaker 8: A certain location together and there was an emergency landing,
Speaker 8: but he told me terrible things about her.
Speaker 2: You were in a helicopter.
Speaker 3: With former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown, who famously dated
Speaker 3: Condilla Harris, And while the helicopter was going down, as
Speaker 3: you were plunging to your imminent death, former San Francisco
Speaker 3: Mayor Willie Brown turns to you.
Speaker 2: And says, this might not mean anything to you.
Speaker 12: Now, But.
Speaker 2: To you, do you remember that lady I was going out.
Speaker 3: With the prosecutor well before we die.
Speaker 2: I just want you to know she worst.
Speaker 3: I do not want to meet my maker without giving
Speaker 3: you that.
Speaker 2: Piece of information. And you survive, you may need it.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I gotta tell you.
Speaker 3: I'm sure a moment like that was seared not only
Speaker 3: into the memory of Donald Trump, but also into the
Speaker 3: memory of former Mayor Willie Brown.
Speaker 11: To be clear, you have never been on a helicopter
Speaker 11: at the wittn time.
Speaker 7: But he's kidding me.
Speaker 13: You know, he would any black and he made a mistake,
Speaker 13: thought it would lead.
Speaker 2: What what that is so dum that I'm sure that
Speaker 2: is not what happened.
Speaker 3: What are the chances Trump is just mixing up his
Speaker 3: black people.
Speaker 14: It seems that the African American politician in question was
Speaker 14: not Kamala Harris's ex former San Francisco mayor Willie Brown,
Speaker 14: but rather this man Nate Holden, a former Los Angeles
Speaker 14: City Council member who says he had a bumpy ride
Speaker 14: with Trump in nineteen ninety.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, do you know what this means?
Speaker 3: Nate Holden, former Los Angeles City Council member, told Donald
Speaker 3: Trump as their helicopter was going down.
Speaker 2: Bad things about Kamala Harris.
Speaker 3: That I guess Willie Brown had told him if they
Speaker 3: knew each other.
Speaker 2: That is the only explanation, right, hold.
Speaker 4: Him saying, quote, Willie is the short black guy living
Speaker 4: in San Francisco. I'm a tall black guy living in
Speaker 4: Los Angeles.
Speaker 11: I guess we all look alike.
Speaker 2: Hey, Donald Throw is out racist.
Speaker 3: He just meets a lot of people on death helicopters,
Speaker 3: and he needs some mnemonic device help. If the chopper
Speaker 3: goes down, that's not Willie Brown.
Speaker 2: Take a little little amount of device. Here's one.
Speaker 3: If the flight's not going great, you're probably riding with me.
Speaker 2: Look, people they pulled the candidate Trump was crushing. It's hard.
Speaker 2: You think you could write a new Hour in a month.
Speaker 2: It's not easy. He's trying.
Speaker 3: He's trying out some good catastrophizing on Harris.
Speaker 8: If Harris wins this election, you will quickly have a crash.
Speaker 7: Like in nineteen twenty, we could end up in World
Speaker 7: War three. The suburbs will be overrun.
Speaker 2: Boom, that's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 3: Stock market crash, World War three, suburbs destroyed.
Speaker 2: It's fresh it's new. We haven't heard what was that.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
Speaker 15: If Biden got it, you'll have a stock market crash.
Speaker 7: The likes of nineteen twenty nine are worse, a very
Speaker 7: real risk of World War three.
Speaker 8: They're going to, in my opinion, destroy suburbia.
Speaker 2: This is just a remix, dude.
Speaker 3: You can't just find and replace Biden with Kamala. That's
Speaker 3: lazy apocalypsing.
Speaker 7: Look.
Speaker 2: Man, if you want us.
Speaker 3: To genuinely fear your opponent as the existential threat you'd
Speaker 3: like to make them out to be, you're gonna have
Speaker 3: to do better than boilerplate cut and paste shit.
Speaker 2: You're better than this. Donald.
Speaker 8: Joe Biden is a failed president.
Speaker 10: She was a failed vice president, the worst president in
Speaker 10: the history, the worst vice president in history.
Speaker 7: He is incompetent. She's incompetent. Everything he's touched has been bad.
Speaker 7: Everything she's touched has turned to bad things.
Speaker 2: And can't talk.
Speaker 7: She can't talk, And in many ways, he's worse than Burnie.
Speaker 2: She's worse than burning low IQ. He's a low IQ individual.
Speaker 8: She happens to be really a low IQ individual.
Speaker 2: She really does. She has a very low IQ.
Speaker 3: This is bullshit, man, This is like when Elton John
Speaker 3: changed like three words and then pretended Candle in the
Speaker 3: Wind was always about Diana.
Speaker 2: It wasn't very disrespectful to Maryland. Too soon. Here's the problem.
Speaker 3: Even when Trump does figure out how to come a Kamala,
Speaker 3: it's not really landing because most of the time the
Speaker 3: bad stuff he's saying.
Speaker 2: About her applies even more to him.
Speaker 10: If Kamala will lie to you so raisingly about Joe
Speaker 10: Biden's mental incapacity, then she will lie to you about anything.
Speaker 7: She can never ever be trusted.
Speaker 3: Yes, Donald Trump is telling America not to elect a liar.
Speaker 2: Donald Trump is saying that I don't about the liar.
Speaker 2: I mean, for God's sakes.
Speaker 3: He's like the Michael Jordan of Lion, or, as Trump
Speaker 3: would say it, the Willie Brown of Lion.
Speaker 2: And confused. Look, I had to say it. I don't
Speaker 2: think Trump has gone in him to go after Kamala. Harris.
Speaker 2: He's been fighting Joe Biden for six years, it's all
Speaker 2: he knows. He misses the fight so much.
Speaker 3: He was still workshopping nicknames for Joe Biden this weekend.
Speaker 2: What do you like better?
Speaker 15: It doesn't matter anymore, But what do you like better
Speaker 15: crooked Joe or sleepy Joe's Sleepy Joe crooked JOm.
Speaker 2: It's a sad.
Speaker 3: It's like seeing an old man talking to an empty
Speaker 3: spot on the bench, and then you realize.
Speaker 2: That's where his wife used to sit. He would give
Speaker 2: up everything for just one more moment. We cook at Joe.
Speaker 8: I hear he's going to make it comeback at the
Speaker 8: Democrat convention.
Speaker 7: He's going to walk into the room and.
Speaker 8: He's gonna say, I want my presidency back, I want
Speaker 8: another chance to debate Trump.
Speaker 7: I want another chid.
Speaker 2: He's not coming back. He's not coming back. Donald. Okay,
Speaker 2: you know how I know he's not coming back. We
Speaker 2: have a camera on him. That's him.
Speaker 3: He's just sitting there at the beach, having an Arnold Palmer. Hear,
Speaker 3: I'm sighing over the waves. Does this look like a
Speaker 3: man marshaling his forces to take back denomination or filming
Speaker 3: a Corona commercial.
Speaker 2: He's finding his beach. It's over.
Speaker 3: There's only one way, Donald, get me a camera.
Speaker 16: One Hello, friend, May I call you? Donald?
Speaker 3: I get it. You wanted to run against Joe Biden.
Speaker 3: Just two old dudes go in toe to toe. Fungus,
Speaker 3: last Hurrah Rocky twelve.
Speaker 2: It's not fair.
Speaker 16: Now you've got to run against someone who appears healthy.
Speaker 3: And youthful and happy, her vigor standing as a stark
Speaker 3: counterpoint to whatever front butt thing you have going on.
Speaker 3: And it's pretty clear that Biden isn't going to do
Speaker 3: what needs to be done to stop this steal. Someone
Speaker 3: I know loves stopping steals right feeling me Kamala Harris
Speaker 3: accepts the nomination next Thursday night, which means it may
Speaker 3: be time to get the gang together storm the convention
Speaker 3: pull in August twenty second, this time on behalf of
Speaker 3: Joe Biden. All you need is thousands of supporters who
Speaker 3: have not yet been sent to jail yet for being
Speaker 3: part of the last mood, or got sent to jail
Speaker 3: so early in the process they're already out. If only
Speaker 3: there was a sign of the righteousness of this.
Speaker 9: Cause, a federal judge ruling the Department of Justice must
Speaker 9: return the spear and for helmet belonging to Quanon Shaman,
Speaker 9: Jacob Chancelly.
Speaker 2: Shaman, Don Knight Fair helmet we ride on for bide on.
Speaker 4: Donald Trump is trying to reach out to undecided voters,
Speaker 4: but he also knows that sometimes you got to work
Speaker 4: the base. Luckily, there's one place where all the far
Speaker 4: right mouth breathers come together, Twitter or X.
Speaker 11: If you're nasty, what could go wrong?
Speaker 2: Overnight?
Speaker 3: Former President Trump holding a free wheeling, albeit glitch filled
Speaker 3: conversation on X with its owner Elon.
Speaker 13: Musk technical issues delaying it from the start for more
Speaker 13: than forty minutes, must blaming a so called denial of
Speaker 13: service attack, saying the massive attack illustrates there's a lot
Speaker 13: of oppositions people just hearing what President Trump has to
Speaker 13: say that we provided no evidence of such a cyber attack.
Speaker 11: I think it's pretty obvious at this point that this
Speaker 11: is the deep state. That's right.
Speaker 4: Only the deep state could make Elon Musk's website suck,
Speaker 4: just like they're to blame for making his cars look
Speaker 4: like a Dolorean whose mom smoke during pregnancy. But if
Speaker 4: there's a deep state trying to silence Donald Trump, you
Speaker 4: suck at your job, okay, because he is the opposite
Speaker 4: of silent. There is no one more unsilent than Donald
Speaker 4: Trump right now, Hey.
Speaker 11: Deep State, look at me, Look at me. Do better,
Speaker 11: do better.
Speaker 4: But eventually they sold the technical issue and got the
Speaker 4: conversation going. Although It sounded like the glitch had moved
Speaker 4: from the Twitter servers directly to Trump's mouth.
Speaker 8: I want to close up Department of Education, move education back.
Speaker 10: To the states, where.
Speaker 8: States like Iowa, where states like Idaho.
Speaker 7: You know, not every state will do great.
Speaker 11: What is happening in his mouth?
Speaker 4: I know the guy's big on slurs, but this is
Speaker 4: next level.
Speaker 11: He said it.
Speaker 4: And look, I know his speech was distracting, but did
Speaker 4: Sylvester Trump over here just say that he wants to close.
Speaker 11: The Department of Education? Think this through? Trump? Without schools,
Speaker 11: where are you going to ban books from thing? Thank?
Speaker 11: It's weird.
Speaker 4: He's even talking about sending teachers to the gulag. Because
Speaker 4: Trump has more popular policies, like his proposal to end
Speaker 4: taxes on tips, which is so popular that Kamala Harris
Speaker 4: now says that she supports it, and Trump is not
Speaker 4: happy about.
Speaker 8: That no tax on tips, and all of a sudden
Speaker 8: she's making his pieces and there will be no tax
Speaker 8: on tips. I said that months ago, and then all
Speaker 8: of a sudden for politics, she says, you know, she
Speaker 8: comes out with with what I said, hips.
Speaker 11: Look look to be fair.
Speaker 4: Kamala did copy Trump's no tax on tips idea, which
Speaker 4: would make it the first time in history that a
Speaker 4: woman got credit for repeating a man's idea.
Speaker 11: We did it, girls, and she didn't stop there.
Speaker 4: Kamala also completely ripped off his idea to lead in
Speaker 4: the polls by three points against.
Speaker 11: A rapidly deteriorating candidate. That was his thing. That was
Speaker 11: his thing now.
Speaker 4: Obviously, Trump did his fair share of dragging Kamala during
Speaker 4: this interview, but there were also moments that he took
Speaker 4: it in a surprising direction.
Speaker 8: Of her on Time Magazine today, she looks like the
Speaker 8: most beautiful actress ever to live.
Speaker 7: It was a drawing and uh act.
Speaker 8: She looked very much like our great first Lady Melania.
Speaker 8: But of course he's a beautiful woman, so we'll leave.
Speaker 3: It at that.
Speaker 11: Right Oooh, someone has a crumb?
Speaker 2: Oh junk?
Speaker 11: Where did this come from?
Speaker 4: Did he have a sex stream about Kamala that he
Speaker 4: just can't shake? And now everything feels different. You can't
Speaker 4: focus on anything. He's just going through Time magazine looking
Speaker 4: for a centerfold.
Speaker 11: Look.
Speaker 4: Either way, I think we finally found the one thing
Speaker 4: Trump is incapable of lying about. If he thinks someone
Speaker 4: is hot, he'll say they're hot. He'll lie about winning
Speaker 4: an election, but he has deep respect for the sanctity
Speaker 4: of bangability.
Speaker 11: Yeah, that's noble. That's a noble thing.
Speaker 4: But maybe my favorite part of the entire interview is
Speaker 4: when Donald Trump told the story of how he threatened
Speaker 4: Vladimir Putin not to invade Ukraine in the most nineteen
Speaker 4: nineties way.
Speaker 7: I said to Vladimir Putin, I said, don't do it.
Speaker 7: You can't do it. Vladimir, you do it, It's going
Speaker 7: to be a bad day. You cannot do it. And
Speaker 7: I told them things that what I do. And he
Speaker 7: said no way.
Speaker 17: And I said way, no.
Speaker 11: Way, way.
Speaker 4: Where have I heard that high level diplomatic language before?
Speaker 2: No way way?
Speaker 10: Ah?
Speaker 11: Yes, Wayne World, Wayne's world.
Speaker 4: It's like Wayne's world, except the wigs have gotten a
Speaker 4: lot worse.
Speaker 16: Now.
Speaker 11: If we believe Donald Trump, and I always do.
Speaker 4: His conversation with Vladimir Putin went no way, way, And
Speaker 4: apparently he spoke to many other world leaders with the
Speaker 4: same linguistic spirit.
Speaker 3: So Putin said, no way, and you said way.
Speaker 18: That's right. And then he said, but I want to
Speaker 18: invade Ukraine. But I said, Vladimir, do not go in there.
Speaker 18: WHOA And he said all alrighty then, and I said,
Speaker 18: hello Newman, right, gotfront is worse than ever. They're taking
Speaker 18: ballots and they're making copy.
Speaker 7: Right.
Speaker 1: So then Shinzo Abbe calls me and I pick up
Speaker 1: and I say, wadaa, what's up? No, you're not saying
Speaker 1: it right, wada what's up?
Speaker 2: What's up?
Speaker 18: When I was president, the economy wasn't just booming, it
Speaker 18: was smoking. But then Joe Biden wrecked the economy and
Speaker 18: all you can say is did I do that?
Speaker 7: Well?
Speaker 2: Yes, and he said, got any cheese?
Speaker 1: Oh, you're not doing it right. So Erdowan asks me
Speaker 1: who is this? And I go, my wife, No, sada tank.
Speaker 1: That's from Pooty Tank ever see Pooty Tang.
Speaker 2: No, it didn't get to South Africa.
Speaker 1: Oh it holds up. Man, come over tomorrow and we'll
Speaker 1: watch it.
Speaker 14: That sounds smoke in you really sick of this?
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