Speaker 1: How many times do you think over to or under
Speaker 1: two that I was recognized in Portugal and it could
Speaker 1: be by American tourist as well. Over over under look
Speaker 1: how I'm dressed to you idiots? Tosh Tosh Show, Welcome
Speaker 1: to Tosh Show, are found Math three own Blueberry. Louis Armstrong.
Speaker 1: You like Louis Eddie? I like Louis man his voice.
Speaker 1: When you listen to him sing, it's hard not to
Speaker 1: feel like, is he doing a bit sound very like?
Speaker 1: Are there like white producers, like racist white producers in
Speaker 1: the back going yeah, yeah, you go with that, that's great?
Speaker 1: Or is it a beautiful voice and it's just of
Speaker 1: a time that that doesn't hold up today? I don't know,
Speaker 1: but dude, love it. I mean, I don't even know
Speaker 1: if I'm supposed to be doing a Louis Armstrong impression.
Speaker 2: Well, I think if you tell people that's what you're doing.
Speaker 1: You're okay, Yeah, that's Louis Armstrong. There you go.
Speaker 2: He's not just being a grace person over here?
Speaker 1: How did what's his name? Who's the original singer? Fat's?
Speaker 2: What's that domino?
Speaker 1: Fats Domino? How did he sound? I don't know. I
Speaker 1: can't I can't in my head think how Fats Domino sounded,
Speaker 1: but Louis's version. Then, of course Elvis did a version
Speaker 1: as he always did, stealing the cool from black people.
Speaker 1: Hhmm speaking a racist. Our president, you know, is as
Speaker 1: bad as I think he is, and as much as
Speaker 1: I give it to him for broken promises after broken promises.
Speaker 1: Here's I will say this. I do hope he has
Speaker 1: a healthy three and a half years of this final term. Well,
Speaker 1: because Eddie, I wasn't gonna end it at that.
Speaker 2: Okay, you got something coming here, all right.
Speaker 1: Because Heaven help us if Vance were given the keys
Speaker 1: to the car. I mean, this dip shit is off
Speaker 1: the chart. Everything you need to know about Vance can
Speaker 1: be summed up in him drop in the National Championship Trophy.
Speaker 1: That's just who he is. I'm this dip shit. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm not. This isn't a unique take. I believe everyone
Speaker 1: hates this man. His wife hates him. I think Republicans
Speaker 1: for the most part, are like, oh no, no, he's
Speaker 1: not our guy. Anybody that read that memoir. Did you
Speaker 1: read his book? No Ah, but you own a copy?
Speaker 2: No, just see balance out. It was a bed's kind
Speaker 2: of like wobby got a leg.
Speaker 1: You got a wobbly bed. That's fucking crazy that a
Speaker 1: memoir could balance that. You know somebody that once went
Speaker 1: by initials. I had a roommate, an older roommate. His
Speaker 1: name was Daniel, and my father was Daniel, and you
Speaker 1: know one of my closest friends was Daniel. I went
Speaker 1: by DT for a long time. Uh, some close friends
Speaker 1: still call me DT. But uh, in general, if if
Speaker 1: you have like little initials, you're kind of a fucking idiot.
Speaker 1: You know what his real name is, James Dave Advance JD.
Speaker 1: I don't like anybody that tries to bumpin up their name.
Speaker 1: The only name that I remotely appreciate. That's kind of
Speaker 1: bumpkin up this old cousin baby billy. And see now
Speaker 1: they're they're like, hey, how do we mock these stupid people? Well,
Speaker 1: why don't we call them cousin baby billy? Oh all right,
Speaker 1: they did it? What about JD Vance? Now it's too
Speaker 1: nail on head? Let's go cousin baby billy. Now, you
Speaker 1: guys don't want to hear my elitist views on things.
Speaker 1: Speaking of elitist, The White Lotus season three, are they
Speaker 1: still talking about all the shenanigans that happened behind the
Speaker 1: scenes during the filming. Here's what they should have done.
Speaker 1: They should have just filmed that and aired it. I'd
Speaker 1: much rather watch Bachelor and Paradise White Lotus Thailand. I
Speaker 1: don't know what you'd call it. That's good. Sounds like
Speaker 1: they're all just having fun, you know, a couple married
Speaker 1: people doing what you do in Thailand, pretending you are
Speaker 1: that little Asian girl. I didn't enjoy the season, but
Speaker 1: I didn't not enjoy it, like I was like. I
Speaker 1: watched it and I was like, Okay, is this hotel
Speaker 1: kind of annoys me? I don't want to stay there
Speaker 1: after I see it. I don't know how somebody that
Speaker 1: murdered somebody at one of these hotels goes and buys
Speaker 1: a property at another one of their locations and doesn't
Speaker 1: think that that might come back to haunt them. Why
Speaker 1: wouldn't he be like, well, I can't. That's a great deal,
Speaker 1: but can't be the same property. If I killed my
Speaker 1: wife at a Marriott, you can just kiss those points goodbye.
Speaker 1: I'm never gonna redeem them. Those points are gone forever.
Speaker 2: It's you got to change properties.
Speaker 1: Yeah, speaking of a bunch of rich white people on
Speaker 1: vacation who wants to hear about mine? Enjoy casa, guys,
Speaker 1: I'm back from vacation. Now you didn't even notice because
Speaker 1: the people behind the scenes keep this show just churning.
Speaker 1: But last week Eddie and I went to work in
Speaker 1: New York, New Jersey and Philadelphia, and then we parted ways.
Speaker 1: Eddie went to Rome and I went to Portugal. This
Speaker 1: is how I dress when I'm in Portugal.
Speaker 2: I like it.
Speaker 1: Well, sure you do. I look sophisticated, Yeah you do.
Speaker 1: I blend in. People speak to me in Portuguese. They don't.
Speaker 1: They don't come at me. They're happy to see me.
Speaker 1: But before we get into it, let's Eddie. Let's tell
Speaker 1: people how the shows in New York went. See. I
Speaker 1: went to New York first because my wife and I
Speaker 1: had some meetings. By the way, when you go to
Speaker 1: New York City and you haven't been in a while,
Speaker 1: it does take you a few minutes to go Oh,
Speaker 1: I forgot, everything is filthy. Why did I bring my
Speaker 1: good sneakers? Yeah, that's just as soon as I got there,
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, it's been raining and I've got beautiful,
Speaker 1: brand new sneakers on this is discussed. Well, we went.
Speaker 1: We had some meetings. That's always stressful. I was meeting
Speaker 1: with book publishers. My wife and I are going to
Speaker 1: write a book together. It's a it's purely a sexual
Speaker 1: that's not what the book's about. Eh. Whatever, you heed
Speaker 1: these meetings, you just you sit in there and they
Speaker 1: bring in some book publishers and you get like thirty
Speaker 1: minutes to an hour with them, and you you just
Speaker 1: try to be funny. I guess I don't know, like,
Speaker 1: which one did you gel the most with? I'm like,
Speaker 1: I don't know which one's gonna pay me the most.
Speaker 1: I'll figure out the geling later. Anyway, my wife is
Speaker 1: really good in the meetings. I was probably better, but
Speaker 1: that's you know, I've got more experience. But she held
Speaker 1: her own. You know. We had we had written samples
Speaker 1: of what we would bring to the table, and they
Speaker 1: were blown away. Then they came to our show that night,
Speaker 1: well not all of them, but the ones that we liked.
Speaker 1: We offered them tickets. The ones that seemed like they
Speaker 1: were kicking the tires. Nah, you're not getting free tickets,
Speaker 1: especially when I'm sold out. I get a percentage of
Speaker 1: that door. Anyway, if you were to ask me, of
Speaker 1: the five shows that we did, Eddie, which was my
Speaker 1: least favorite, I would say, hands down the first show
Speaker 1: in New York City, Okay, because that was the only
Speaker 1: one that I had pressure on the rest of them,
Speaker 1: I was loose as a goose. Here's another thing. One
Speaker 1: of the head promoters came out to see me in
Speaker 1: New York and we were talking. He's like, Oh, you're
Speaker 1: gonna wear that tomorrow in New Jersey. I had like
Speaker 1: a pink jacket on or something. I'm like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: He was like those people, Yeah, we were in New Brunswick,
Speaker 1: New Jersey. I'm gonna say they were great. Yep, it
Speaker 1: was wonderful. The people, they were great, great size theater too.
Speaker 1: The theater's beautiful. Two shows. Wasn't my best show, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna say, yes, yeah, I mean, I'm gonna say it
Speaker 1: was my best show in New Jersey. Then we went
Speaker 1: to Philly, got ourselves a cheeseteak. Where do we get
Speaker 1: cheesteaks at from? Eddie? Oh brother, is that a good place? Eddie?
Speaker 2: I mean, I feel like they're all the same.
Speaker 1: Oh shit. By the way, that day before the Philly Show.
Speaker 1: The Philly Show was on a Sunday night. On the
Speaker 1: way there, we had from New York City. We had
Speaker 1: gotten two large pizzas from a place that we like.
Speaker 1: We're eating the pizzas on the drive there, and then
Speaker 1: we did the show, and then on the way back
Speaker 1: we were eating cheese steaks. That is disgusting. And then
Speaker 1: the next day, the next day, Eddie pulls off arguably
Speaker 1: the greatest father slash husband bullshit move of all time.
Speaker 1: Let me explain this to people. Were doing this these shows,
Speaker 1: we kind of hubbed in New York. We bopped around
Speaker 1: and did these shows, and then we were taking our
Speaker 1: families on vacation, separate vacations. I'm taking my family to
Speaker 1: Portugal and Eddie's taking his family to Rome. And we
Speaker 1: don't bring our families to the same places because Eddie
Speaker 1: doesn't like his kids to see how much better my
Speaker 1: kids have it, what life could be like, right, And
Speaker 1: I respect that, thank you. I respect that. So we
Speaker 1: always are like, well, will go similar places, but let's
Speaker 1: not have too much overlap because he's trying to raise
Speaker 1: well rounded kids and I don't give a shit what
Speaker 1: happens to mine. All right, We are going to go
Speaker 1: straight from New York City to Lisbon, easy six hour flight.
Speaker 1: Eddie his family is going to Rome. But what does
Speaker 1: Eddie do? By the ways, kids aren't young. My kids
Speaker 1: are two and six. His kids are Let me just
Speaker 1: guess right now, sixteen and eighteen. Perfect guess, Okay, sixteen
Speaker 1: and eighteen. This is what Eddie does for his wife
Speaker 1: and children. He flies New York to LA has five
Speaker 1: hours to kill a lax before boarding the family's plane
Speaker 1: NonStop to Rome. He went five hours backwards and then
Speaker 1: another five and a half. Is that the craziest thing
Speaker 1: you've ever heard? Would you? There?
Speaker 2: Is?
Speaker 1: I would? I would leave my family if they ever
Speaker 1: suggested that, Hey, would you be interested in fucking up
Speaker 1: your entire week by giving yourself the most horrible experience ever?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 1: My god? And then you and did you go home
Speaker 1: on that five hour a little layover? No, you stayed
Speaker 1: at the airport. At the airport, by the way, I
Speaker 1: just want everyone to know Eddie lives maybe fifteen minutes
Speaker 1: from Lax.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but why go home and tease myself with a pillow,
Speaker 2: maybe a bed?
Speaker 1: You could have napped for two hours?
Speaker 2: You probably could have, but you know, international travel. You
Speaker 2: want to get there early.
Speaker 1: How bad were you on that travel? Oh?
Speaker 2: When I got to Rome, I was I was beat up,
Speaker 2: pretty tired.
Speaker 1: How much time from when you landed till you said
Speaker 1: your first went in Rome? Joke?
Speaker 2: You know what I think? I was so tired I
Speaker 2: forgot to do it until the next day.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, the next day.
Speaker 2: I'll tell you this though, the Spirit Airlines flood I.
Speaker 1: Took from New York to l hold on, hold on.
Speaker 1: You think he's being funny right now, he is not.
Speaker 1: He took Spirit Airlines from New York to Los Angeles.
Speaker 1: And if you don't know, Spirit Airlines is garbage. And
Speaker 1: I don't even care if they're a sponsor of our show.
Speaker 1: That is this is There's no there's no first class
Speaker 1: in Spirit, there's no business class.
Speaker 2: They call it what do they call it? Big Wide, so.
Speaker 1: It's like a different big Wide. Were you in big
Speaker 1: Big Wide? Yeah? I did. That was embarrassing. That is humiliating.
Speaker 1: Everything everything you're saying makes me want this company to fail.
Speaker 1: And then and then did you what airline did you
Speaker 1: fly to Rome?
Speaker 2: We took Norse Atlantic.
Speaker 1: Air Way And were you in big Why there no.
Speaker 2: Big wye with reclining and did you.
Speaker 1: Were you in business class?
Speaker 2: Well, it's like there they call it premium flex ultra.
Speaker 2: All the games are different on these areas.
Speaker 1: Way, so it's not business it's it's a first class.
Speaker 1: It is first their first class. Yeah, it's their first class,
Speaker 1: right and.
Speaker 2: Then they there's like that section and then.
Speaker 1: The number seat? Were you in row seven? Okay? All right? Fine?
Speaker 1: By the way, how was the trip with the family
Speaker 1: in Rome?
Speaker 2: It was great? Loved it.
Speaker 1: What did you guys do?
Speaker 2: A lot of tours catacombs. Took a cooking class, probably
Speaker 2: the worst meal we had in roam with the one
Speaker 2: that we prepared ourselves.
Speaker 1: We do we do such different trips tour. I would
Speaker 1: never get in a tour.
Speaker 2: We got to kind of go private tour.
Speaker 1: So it's just you, No, I'm not going, but I
Speaker 1: don't want to listen to somebody.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, you you'd hate it. Then you would have hated.
Speaker 1: My This is what we do. We fly to Lisbon,
Speaker 1: I go to our hotel. Uh, I'm staying in a
Speaker 1: cool room that has two bedrooms, so my children are
Speaker 1: and one and I'm in the other and I've got
Speaker 1: a balcony overlooking the rooftops of Lisbon. I see a
Speaker 1: castle lit up in the distance. There's a rooftop restaurant
Speaker 1: that we went to, and then it's nothing but spa appointments.
Speaker 1: I got a massage. I didn't enjoy my massage. The
Speaker 1: place is great, but they're tables. I don't know if
Speaker 1: people in Portugal are smaller than me, but my leg
Speaker 1: was hanging off a good foot and a half. You
Speaker 1: can't have your shin just resting off the edge of
Speaker 1: the table for an eighty minute massage. And then when
Speaker 1: you scoot your back, you even scoot further down. And
Speaker 1: now my knees, I'm just my legs just hanging down
Speaker 1: like a little kid, just wiggling my legs up and down. Anyway,
Speaker 1: that's not the problem that I had my massage. My masseuse,
Speaker 1: clearly before I came in, was pounding some salamis or
Speaker 1: some cold cuts. I don't know what she was eating,
Speaker 1: grabbing some bloga. She was having some bologne, because at
Speaker 1: one point I smelled something and I'm like, I think
Speaker 1: she just burped and she held it in, but I
Speaker 1: could still it was still wafting out occasionally. I'm like,
Speaker 1: maybe she didn't burp. But now I can't stop thinking
Speaker 1: about it for the next eighty minutes. I'm like, did
Speaker 1: she burp? And at one point she hip checked the
Speaker 1: table real hard and it hurt her and she was
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, oh, are you okay.
Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, I'm okay. Like my son. My son
Speaker 1: can't walk past a coffee table without taking it to
Speaker 1: the shin. Oh you know what, and one day my wife,
Speaker 1: Oh man, holy cow, I'm still furious about this. You
Speaker 1: have to understand I'm in tow are the in laws.
Speaker 1: You know, so I got two kids and then I've
Speaker 1: got two old kids. Somehow I'm responsible for all of
Speaker 1: them not being abducted. I have no special skills, yet
Speaker 1: I pull it off constantly. We're gonna go to this
Speaker 1: restaurant for lunch. I mean, great, where is it? Well,
Speaker 1: first we have to get on a ferry. Fuck what
Speaker 1: there's there's like a delivery guy with his bike. You know,
Speaker 1: there are hundreds of people wedging in. Everybody's racing to
Speaker 1: get a window because it's it's inside and so it's
Speaker 1: like smelly and gross. It's not good. I don't I
Speaker 1: didn't enjoy being on this ferry and I'm dressed like
Speaker 1: a fucking idiot, you know, like look at me and
Speaker 1: I and I've got little kids running everywhere eating off
Speaker 1: the ferry floor. They don't care, and we take this
Speaker 1: quick ferry. You know, my father in law's always got
Speaker 1: interesting question, did you know that the first ferry was
Speaker 1: invented at the University of Florida? And I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: it wasn't. Just shut up, it wasn't invented at the
Speaker 1: University of Florida. Whatever. He's always got some dumb gator
Speaker 1: fact that I have to care about. Now we get
Speaker 1: to the other side and I'm like, okay, which way
Speaker 1: to this resident. She goes, well, it says cool walk
Speaker 1: along the water and there's tons of graffiti on those walls,
Speaker 1: and it's all the graffiti I keep pointing out to
Speaker 1: my father in law is just anti American hate. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, yeah, this is this is what Trump
Speaker 1: was bringing, this respect that the rest of the world.
Speaker 1: He is fresh American hate everywhere. You just see it. Anyway,
Speaker 1: sure enough, we start this walk and there's a guy
Speaker 1: building a wall, a makeshift wall, on this water pass,
Speaker 1: this sidewalk along the water he's building a wall almost
Speaker 1: just like to stop us from going. He says, gotta
Speaker 1: go this other way. We end up walking through not
Speaker 1: the nicest areas of town, and it's all uphill. And
Speaker 1: I got a father in law with one bad knee
Speaker 1: and one knee that he just replaced like six weeks ago,
Speaker 1: so it's just taking for then I've got two children,
Speaker 1: just one of them, doesn't you know, well, only if
Speaker 1: he holds your hand, he's like pulling you down. So
Speaker 1: it's just God. He falls on every cobblestone street, so
Speaker 1: he's just constantly crying because he's hurt whatever. I end
Speaker 1: up pushing up this mountain for forty five minutes. I
Speaker 1: get to the top of it, and then at the
Speaker 1: very top of it, there's three hundred stairs that were
Speaker 1: built before codes were even a thing. Oh good, and
Speaker 1: They're like the restaurant is at the bottom of this,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, I can only save one person's
Speaker 1: life here. So I carry the stroller with my daughter,
Speaker 1: and who's not sitting in the stroller like, she's leaning forward,
Speaker 1: so the weight is off. Everything is. It's just horrible
Speaker 1: the whole time I make it down these stairs and
Speaker 1: then on the way back. I say, I don't care
Speaker 1: what that guy said. We're going the other way. And
Speaker 1: we walk this river walk and it was it was fine.
Speaker 1: There was like one pothole, so my wife basically made
Speaker 1: us walk forty five minutes around the city to avoid
Speaker 1: a pothole.
Speaker 2: How is the food.
Speaker 1: The food's good. I got some monkfish stew. It's for
Speaker 1: two people, So I tell my father we're getting this
Speaker 1: monk fish. It's gonna be great. Anyway, they bring this
Speaker 1: big crock pot. There's liver in this monkfish. To that
Speaker 1: part I didn't like to eat. I made him eat it.
Speaker 1: He threw up a little bit in his mouth, but
Speaker 1: just huge portions. Oh my goodness. And my mother in law,
Speaker 1: she can't wrap her head around any food that's not,
Speaker 1: you know, from Long john Silver's. Wait. She like orders,
Speaker 1: I'll take the shrimp cocktail. Oh do you have fried shrimp?
Speaker 1: Like that's her meal everywhere. It's like, I can't One
Speaker 1: time they brought her she ordered fried shrimp and they
Speaker 1: had tiny little shrimp, but the heads and everything were
Speaker 1: on it, and you're supposed to eat the whole thing,
Speaker 1: just crunch him up, and she just this is her
Speaker 1: for it, like as soon as it was put in
Speaker 1: front of her, she's my wife. The whole time was
Speaker 1: pretending to be Parker Posey from White Lotus, which was
Speaker 1: making me laugh. But my drazapan okay. So I was
Speaker 1: only in Lisbon for a few days. That was just
Speaker 1: to get my bearings, and we headed off to Comporta,
Speaker 1: which you know they say is the Hamptons of Portugal,
Speaker 1: which I don't know if that's a compliment or not,
Speaker 1: because I hate the Hamptons. But we stayed at a
Speaker 1: beautiful place. It was nice, although they don't heat their pools.
Speaker 1: They have one little tiny pool in the spa that's heated,
Speaker 1: but it's like who wants to swim inside? I had
Speaker 1: a nice little three bedroom villa that my family and
Speaker 1: I were playing at. Oh so beautiful, but my father
Speaker 1: in law I put him in the biopool area and
Speaker 1: that's like these these these outdoor ponds, they kind of
Speaker 1: have an area roped off that's your pool. Like your
Speaker 1: room is like a little cabana over the water, and
Speaker 1: there's ear plugs because the frogs are so loud at night.
Speaker 1: But also there's supposed to be healing powers when you
Speaker 1: get in but the water's cold and he complains at
Speaker 1: anything that's not a jacuzzi, So I have forced him
Speaker 1: to jump in Night one. But there's snakes iguanas just
Speaker 1: swimming around everywhere and there I got photos of it all.
Speaker 1: I made my son go dive in it. In the
Speaker 1: middle of the night. We went, we walked there. We
Speaker 1: weren't on our normal sleeping schedule, so I'm like, hey,
Speaker 1: let's go jump in their biopool. And he was terrified,
Speaker 1: but we did it. It's enjoyable traveling with the end
Speaker 1: those because you know, at the start of the trip,
Speaker 1: my wife made all of us like hold hands and
Speaker 1: you know, repeat after her. I will try things. I
Speaker 1: will be open minded, you know, And that goes out
Speaker 1: the window. As soon as the first restaurant brings my
Speaker 1: mother in law a fish head, she starts freaking out.
Speaker 1: But my father in law, on the other hand, is
Speaker 1: just everything is the greatest thing he's ever tasted. You
Speaker 1: couldn't believe you have to try this role, honey. It's
Speaker 1: so delicious. Which is funny because he'll try stuff and
Speaker 1: that's fun to hang out with. But it's like we
Speaker 1: also know he enjoys a bag of circus peanuts.
Speaker 2: That's great.
Speaker 1: If you get him talking about the first burger king
Speaker 1: that was opened in Fort Pierce, he acts like it's
Speaker 1: the greatest hamburger that was ever created. So I don't
Speaker 1: really give him that much credit. I think it's funny,
Speaker 1: though I do. I do, like, I like laugh the
Speaker 1: whole time in my head of like that I'm responsible
Speaker 1: for some of these people. Who's who is the best
Speaker 1: person to travel with me? Because I can afford everything,
Speaker 1: of course I'm saying, like, but who is the best
Speaker 1: travel partner? You'd think I'd say my wife because she
Speaker 1: does all the legwork. She knows what kind of restaurants
Speaker 1: I'll actually appreciate, so she can handle me and when
Speaker 1: I start losing it. But there's something about my son
Speaker 1: he's got he's got a real spirit about him, and
Speaker 1: he's very excited to try things and see things, and
Speaker 1: like he like would go to a playground and just
Speaker 1: immediately play with a group of kids and you know,
Speaker 1: could say three or four words maybe in Portuguese, and
Speaker 1: he'd be like, I made new friends. Dad. I'm like, ah, great,
Speaker 1: and yeah, that that's fun to watch. Yeah, for sure,
Speaker 1: the people in Portugal, everybody talks about how nice they are,
Speaker 1: and they were pretty nice. I love that they don't
Speaker 1: build on the beaches. When we're in comport To, they don't.
Speaker 1: There's no like uh you know, it's not like Florida,
Speaker 1: where every inch is just another dumb condo. It's just beach.
Speaker 1: The houses are inland farther, you know. The five minute drive,
Speaker 1: it's just so pretty. I drove a bunch in Portugal,
Speaker 1: had there. I read it a Nissan. I love driving
Speaker 1: kilometers just really makes you, oh, man, I'm doing one
Speaker 1: ten oh, get out of my way. Not sure what
Speaker 1: the conversion is. No, I think that's forty, but whatever.
Speaker 1: I felt like a real normal dude. How many times
Speaker 1: I'll set the line at two over under do you
Speaker 1: think that I was recognized in Portugal?
Speaker 2: Now?
Speaker 1: I got to remind people that I was scheduled to
Speaker 1: perform a beautiful theater that's seated around twenty seven hundred.
Speaker 1: I sold around sixty four seats in the opening weekend
Speaker 1: before canceling the show. Okay, how many times do you
Speaker 1: think over two or under two that I was recognized
Speaker 1: in Portugal? And it could be by American tourist as well.
Speaker 1: Over over under look how I'm dressed. You idiot's under
Speaker 1: zero times. Never I was never recognized or they didn't care.
Speaker 2: Be cool about it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right. They're in Portugal, yor whatever. Clooney's here,
Speaker 1: George Clooney's got a funny hat on. That's the thing too.
Speaker 1: When I'm over there, I always I know that tipping
Speaker 1: isn't the same in Europe. But that's why I like
Speaker 1: it so much more because I'm a big tipper in
Speaker 1: the US, so I'm still a big tipper there, and
Speaker 1: I just think it's fun. Oh no, you don't need
Speaker 1: a tip, but I do it. I do it constantly
Speaker 1: for everything, breakfast buffet, throwing down twenty euro for my meal.
Speaker 1: They're just like oh. And then anytime I walk in
Speaker 1: with the hat and the glasses, they're just like, there
Speaker 1: he is over here, we got your table ready for you.
Speaker 1: I'm like, there's somebody sitting there there. I get out
Speaker 1: of there. Kickson's dying. This person's out of here, you're in.
Speaker 1: I loved it. I can't stop tipping. It was tipping.
Speaker 2: Well.
Speaker 1: The thing is, I never have cash. Now I've got euro.
Speaker 1: Anybody want to buy my euro off me, I'll give
Speaker 1: you a good deal so that I don't have to
Speaker 1: actually change it back. How much euros do I have? Home?
Speaker 1: We got what's four ninety five plus fifty? I have
Speaker 1: forty five? That's five forty five? Yeah, who wants to
Speaker 1: give me right now? Let's make a deal five hundred
Speaker 1: dollars for this?
Speaker 2: Does Italy take your yes?
Speaker 1: Distrust? Of course I don't know.
Speaker 2: Yes, they do. I'll do that.
Speaker 1: Five. You have five hundred bucks.
Speaker 2: Not in my pocket, but I can get it. How
Speaker 2: are you gonna get that?
Speaker 1: How are you going to get that kind of money?
Speaker 1: You can go?
Speaker 2: You get your hand on five hundred dollars. Yeah, hang on,
Speaker 2: I'll be right back.
Speaker 1: Guys, Dylan Dalan's out in the parking lot doing god
Speaker 1: knows what to get five hundred dollars. I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear about this.
Speaker 2: We work with these people, Dylan.
Speaker 1: Is that that's not a Is that a that's not
Speaker 1: even a good rate. That's a great deal, d A
Speaker 1: good deal.
Speaker 2: It's six hundred and fourteen dollars American.
Speaker 1: So if he gives me four five hundred dollars, that's
Speaker 1: a great deal. He's making some good deal. Our deal.
Speaker 1: I'll take your deal. Dylan, you give me five hundred bucks.
Speaker 1: You can have that right now, thank you. I got
Speaker 1: everybody something, uh for my travels what well, not not really,
Speaker 1: but uh it's stuff that that I accumulated in my
Speaker 1: bag and now that I'm home, I gotta get rid
Speaker 1: of it. Pete. Pete handled a lot of logistics. Pete,
Speaker 1: come get your gift. You're gonna like that. Open that up,
Speaker 1: see what you can sit down for a second. I
Speaker 1: think you already took it off the desk. I don't
Speaker 1: know what it is. There's something written on the on
Speaker 1: the lemon.
Speaker 2: That's nice.
Speaker 1: M hm. What is that?
Speaker 2: These are some bottle stoppers, decorative bottle stoppers. Look at that.
Speaker 1: Look at this, Pete. Look at this bottle stopper and
Speaker 1: it goes with this nice bottle. You see it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's like a balding dude, look at it. Pete's ball
Speaker 1: pulled that up next to your head. That looks just
Speaker 1: like Pete. That's a decorative ball. There you got twins
Speaker 1: and a nice bottle of wine from the place you
Speaker 1: stayed at.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they grow it on the property.
Speaker 1: I hope. So I don't know. Is that all that
Speaker 1: was in there? All right? That's nice enough. Get out
Speaker 1: of here. You You're welcome, Dylan. Oh, I got some
Speaker 1: good stuff for Dylan here. This is your trip here
Speaker 1: in good faith. I'll give you.
Speaker 2: I can venmo you too.
Speaker 1: I don't have venmo. I don't want to do that.
Speaker 1: I can give you all right, you'll love those. And
Speaker 1: my son made me take the shell home from the beach.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, why the do I have the shell?
Speaker 1: Get out of here, Dylan love shells. Oh, John, come
Speaker 1: on over here, John, John, I just go for I
Speaker 1: go for John's wife. Oh nice, that's all. These are
Speaker 1: just fancy I creams. Open that up. There's some good
Speaker 1: stuff in there and different different lotions and they you
Speaker 1: don't have to And then these are the fancy lotions.
Speaker 1: I stayed in New York City. I took there up.
Speaker 1: You can keep these. These are Mandarin Oriental. They do
Speaker 1: some good stuff. There's their lotions. But you'll like all
Speaker 1: that stuff. Oh she'll like that. You give her that bag. Okay, cool,
Speaker 1: that's all you. Thank you? Oh do you use this?
Speaker 1: I hate this? This Aesop after shave. I do like it.
Speaker 1: I hate it all right here, it's good. So I
Speaker 1: worked in New York for three days and then we
Speaker 1: traveled for for five days. Now for me to do that,
Speaker 1: I gotta have somebody hold down the fort. So who
Speaker 1: did I call? My wife is like, well, why don't
Speaker 1: we use my brother. He's in town, he lives here,
Speaker 1: he can work remotely. He'll stay that, he'll he'll take
Speaker 1: care of the pets. Was that a good idea? I
Speaker 1: don't know. He has a lot to take care of.
Speaker 1: He's got Carl, of course, who is I think a delight?
Speaker 1: You know, he'll give you some false sparks every now
Speaker 1: and then. The chickens. I'll be honest with you. You
Speaker 1: don't have to do much for the chickens. And then
Speaker 1: there's my son's fish. You gotta take care of Ponzu.
Speaker 1: Then there's Potato. Now Potato, that's the big cell. He's
Speaker 1: getting bigger and bigger by the minute. And he's at
Speaker 1: five point thirty in the morning to six in the morning,
Speaker 1: his day begins, and you're not sleeping past it. Like
Speaker 1: he wakes you up, he brings you outside, he gets
Speaker 1: mad at you. He'll knock water bowls over constantly if
Speaker 1: he's like in a mood. So that was tough sell.
Speaker 1: But he did it. Now I came back, everything you
Speaker 1: know was alive, plants included. I was shocked. He was
Speaker 1: supposed to walk Carl every day. And then I asked him,
Speaker 1: when pressed, I said, did you walk him every day? Well?
Speaker 1: We played outside in the backyard on some days. I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: that's not a walk. How many days did you not
Speaker 1: walk Carl? Probably every other day. Every other day you
Speaker 1: didn't walk him, But every other day you did walk him.
Speaker 1: You think you walked him at least five days, ten days?
Speaker 1: Five sounds good. The only thing he used he slept
Speaker 1: in my bed and he used my toilet. He loved
Speaker 1: my toilet. I got a lot of good features on it.
Speaker 1: I even told him how to get the enema button
Speaker 1: to work. There's one like high pressure one that's just
Speaker 1: just if there's a nugget six weeks up, it'll get it.
Speaker 1: It'll get it, good man. Six weeks all right. Well,
Speaker 1: I haven't paid him yet. What do you think I
Speaker 1: should pay somebody to pet sit? What's the day rate?
Speaker 1: You think? But he stayed at the house. He stayed
Speaker 1: at the house, which is kind of like my house
Speaker 1: is like a resort.
Speaker 2: Use the hot tub.
Speaker 1: How many times did you use the hot tub chase?
Speaker 1: How many times? Twice?
Speaker 2: Maybe twice but no strict an accidents?
Speaker 1: Would you charge for that? What do you guys? What's
Speaker 1: a fair rate to give him? How many days? Fourteen
Speaker 1: total days? I mean he's on vacation, one hundred dollars
Speaker 1: a day.
Speaker 2: No, I mean like he's staying in resort. So I
Speaker 2: feel like he's putting in a little bit of work,
Speaker 2: you know, walking the dog half.
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you. He asked for one hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty a day.
Speaker 2: I was thinking one hundred a week, but.
Speaker 1: Hundred days. What you guys think interesting? I had a
Speaker 1: pig too. By the way, just so you guys know,
Speaker 1: the pig is. The pig is a tough sell. The pigs,
Speaker 1: the big one maybe one hundred and twenty five. All right, Well,
Speaker 1: I I'm somewhere between the one fifteen one hundred. I'm
Speaker 1: thinking two thousand for the whole trip.
Speaker 2: Oh, I mean he just agreed.
Speaker 1: I don't care if he agrees, I will all change
Speaker 1: it if I get Now. Some people be like, oh,
Speaker 1: I would do yeah, But it's like I have to
Speaker 1: have somebody that I kind of trust, and at least
Speaker 1: somebody that I can torture if things go awry. You know,
Speaker 1: there's a lot of responsibility. Well, listen, I pulled it off,
Speaker 1: got the family home safe. Everybody was thrilled that they
Speaker 1: got to experience this adventure. By the way, the whole
Speaker 1: time I was there, I kept saying, we have to
Speaker 1: go out one night for date night because our anniversary
Speaker 1: is coming up this week, so that it can be
Speaker 1: our anniversary. And she agreed to this, but then we
Speaker 1: could never settle on a place, and we always just
Speaker 1: brought the kids with us, so it didn't count. So
Speaker 1: now four days after this vacation of a lifetime, I
Speaker 1: have to take her out again.
Speaker 2: Paris.
Speaker 1: No, I just have to go to dinner. It's not you, Eddie.
Speaker 1: He's not gonna fly across the world Paris. Yeah, Edie,
Speaker 1: Eddie is just like whoa what? You just you go anywhere.
Speaker 1: It's not that hard in hindsight. In hindsight, was that
Speaker 1: too much on your body?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Too much flying.
Speaker 2: I was miserably tired. I was sore, Like for me,
Speaker 2: really beat me up.
Speaker 1: Here's my thing with traveling, whether you're on a PJ,
Speaker 1: whether you're in wide front or white or middle narrow back,
Speaker 1: just the dull headaches that you get from being in
Speaker 1: a plane, or just maddening. It just doesn't matter. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just traveling is not fun. Well, I can't wait
Speaker 1: to share with you my family vacation next year. Maybe
Speaker 1: I'll share my other family, my secret family. I got
Speaker 1: a secret family. I take them on vacations too, but
Speaker 1: usually it's been more like a great wolf lodge type
Speaker 1: of family. Well, I want to thank my wife and
Speaker 1: two children, and my father in law and mother in
Speaker 1: law and my wife's cousin for going on a great trip,
Speaker 1: all expenses paid by me. We missed you. Carl. By
Speaker 1: the way, do you find this shirt horribly offensive because
Speaker 1: it is sheer? I don't know if you can see this,
Speaker 1: but I can get my nipple to pinch through like
Speaker 1: I hope you know at home that I would never
Speaker 1: really wear this shirt. This is hideous. This is carry
Speaker 1: fucking with me. You see that? Ooh hot? I don't have.
Speaker 2: Super to just give it a jingle the smallest.
Speaker 1: I don't have a big nipple. Also don't have a
Speaker 1: lot of feeling in my nipples. There's some guys that
Speaker 1: like their nipples played with that That's not me. Nope,
Speaker 1: I don't like it. We've got a few things to plug.
Speaker 1: We had the tossshowstore dot com. You know, I saw
Speaker 1: a guy at I think it was the New York Show.
Speaker 1: It might have been New Brunswick. I feel bad. He
Speaker 1: was like six rows deep and I'm pretty sure he
Speaker 1: had a Carl shirt on. And I didn't give one
Speaker 1: of these, and I should have my bad. But if
Speaker 1: you know, if you wear one of those shirts and
Speaker 1: I see out in public, you're gonna get some attention
Speaker 1: from me. All right. What else? We got our tours,
Speaker 1: Eddie's tour, my tour. I'm gonna be in Vegas this
Speaker 1: weekend and then we're doing the big Midwest tour in June.
Speaker 1: By the way, added shows in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a
Speaker 1: good market. Come out and see me Milwaukee, and then Madison.
Speaker 1: I added a show there. But now, Madison, I might
Speaker 1: have done you dirty. But I don't know if it
Speaker 1: was the building or availability or whatever. But we added
Speaker 1: a show, but we had to put it earlier. So
Speaker 1: now it's basically a matinee. It's like five o'clock in
Speaker 1: the afternoon. Comes see Eddie and I and Carl in Madison.
Speaker 1: Wisconsin on a Sunday late afternoon, and then after the show. Well,
Speaker 1: I can't do anything because I have to do my
Speaker 1: first show, which is later than my second show. It's confusing.
Speaker 1: The point is I'll be in bed by ten thirty
Speaker 1: that night. Yeah, that's great. All right, So Madison, Milwaukee,
Speaker 1: you guys, come out Chicago. You've you've shown your support.
Speaker 1: All right, let's do the free plug. Hit the free
Speaker 1: plug music. Oh of that some trumpet, look at strong
Speaker 1: trumpet music, you know, play the trumpet our friend Danny. Anyway,
Speaker 1: this week's free plug is for Pedro South of the Border.
Speaker 1: First of all, I didn't know it was called Pedro
Speaker 1: South Border. That's a little problematic, a little racist. South
Speaker 1: of the Border. It's that place between North Carolina South
Speaker 1: Carolina where you get your fireworks. They got three hundred
Speaker 1: billboards each direction. I used to always see it as
Speaker 1: a kid when we would drive up, me and my
Speaker 1: surfer butt. We do like a summer week in Hatteras.
Speaker 1: That was our big surf trip up to Cape Hatteras
Speaker 1: and you'd you'd stop and get your Roman candles. Oh
Speaker 1: that was fun anyway, And I'm glad to see that
Speaker 1: that place is still in business. Pedro South of the Board.
Speaker 1: I never called it Pedros And the logos seems a
Speaker 1: bit racist too. Whatever. That's that's where you if you're
Speaker 1: gonna have a problematic uh logo and name, you do
Speaker 1: it in that part of the country. Those people don't care.
Speaker 1: You know. You you change the Cleveland Indians logo uh
Speaker 1: because it's horribly offensive. But you see this Pedro logo
Speaker 1: and you're like, well, that probably should be fixed as well. Anyway,
Speaker 1: your first off will be fort Pedro firework. You can
Speaker 1: load upon all kinds of explosives. They've also have plenty
Speaker 1: of attractions to entertain the whole family. Oh, I didn't
Speaker 1: know that. There's I always just went for the fireworks,
Speaker 1: maybe a little gas. They have an observation tower. It's
Speaker 1: over two hundred feet high. Ohh you probably can see
Speaker 1: all the way to Kitty Hawk. Uh that's nearby, right,
Speaker 1: I mean not nearby, but that's got to be. This
Speaker 1: one of the highest, you know, elevations. How high was
Speaker 1: Kitty Hawk were? They were just gliding a few feet
Speaker 1: off the ground. Yeah, that wasn't that impressive. There's a
Speaker 1: glass elevator gives riders a full view of the grounds.
Speaker 1: There's a Pedro Land Park, fun rides just for the kids.
Speaker 1: And there's a reptile lagoon, the largest indoor reptile display
Speaker 1: in the US. That's because it shouldn't be inside, right,
Speaker 1: that's just dumb, all right. These guys are eighty. Also
Speaker 1: grab a bite of their fine eating establishments. They got
Speaker 1: the what is it Blanco's Bar, Blanco's Bar, and the
Speaker 1: Sombrero Room restaurant. They also have Peddler's Steakhouse and Pedro's
Speaker 1: ice Cream Fiesta. They can get an abortion south of
Speaker 1: the border. No, you cannot for that. You're gonna need
Speaker 1: to go due north, north of the border. Keep going
Speaker 1: to you see like you know, people with normal haircuts.
Speaker 1: That's how you can tell you'll be all right. You can't.
Speaker 1: This is why we do free plugs, because you rarely
Speaker 1: will a paid plug. Want you to talk about if
Speaker 1: you can get an abortion at their establishment. They have
Speaker 1: over six thousand signs that have been plastered all along
Speaker 1: the highways two hundred miles out. Why go to a
Speaker 1: boring rest area just to gas up and pee when
Speaker 1: you could entertain the whole family for hours at paid
Speaker 1: yours south of the border. That's great. I really do
Speaker 1: recall one time getting Roman candles at South of the
Speaker 1: Border late at night. My friends and I were in
Speaker 1: his parents van. We borrowed it. It was the Osmond's van.
Speaker 1: I was good friends with Alison. We were boyfriend and
Speaker 1: girlfriend in seventh grade. But we never kissed. Doesn't but
Speaker 1: but our younger brother went with us on the surf
Speaker 1: tip and we got him to use We got him
Speaker 1: to bring his parents van. It was one of those
Speaker 1: Mark four Mark five vans, Yeah, those big vans. Anyway,
Speaker 1: I shot Roman candle inside of it. Yeah, that was
Speaker 1: about it. I think I think I send some of
Speaker 1: the seats. I'm gonna apologize to doctor Osmond for that one.
Speaker 1: That was my fault. Also, also, you know what I
Speaker 1: did there. We bought some stink bombs from South of
Speaker 1: the Border and I shattered the glass vial in a
Speaker 1: small thermosyp Okay. Then I would just occasionally on the
Speaker 1: trip crack open the thermos and just do a little
Speaker 1: air out and then put it back on. I thought
Speaker 1: that was like the nice way to do it. It
Speaker 1: was fun anyway. South of the Border See's next week.