Speaker 1: Yo, I'm Superman, but I'm not. Every man thinks they superman,
Speaker 1: but they're not dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're
Speaker 1: the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny
Speaker 1: videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as
Speaker 1: a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy
Speaker 1: most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,
Speaker 1: we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 1: dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most
Speaker 1: folks don't want to talk about through the lens of
Speaker 1: a millennium married couple. Dead As is the term that
Speaker 1: we say every day. So when we say dead ass,
Speaker 1: we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and
Speaker 1: nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow Talk
Speaker 1: to a whole new level. Dead As starts right now.
Speaker 1: Before I introduced the gentleman here to my left. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell a story that I know one of
Speaker 1: the gentlemen can relate to because he's married and he
Speaker 1: got mad kids just like me. Um. The gentleman in
Speaker 1: the middle here is not married. He has a son,
Speaker 1: but I don't know if he can relate to this story.
Speaker 1: But I'm about to tell his story. My wife is
Speaker 1: pregnant for the fourth time, right, and during the pregnancy,
Speaker 1: I've adopted this saying whatever you want to do, babe,
Speaker 1: you know, whatever you wanna do. So for the last
Speaker 1: eight months, because she's eight months pregnant, I've just been saying, hey, hey,
Speaker 1: and I've been smiling while I say it. What what
Speaker 1: you were? You wanna do that? Hey, Let's let's go
Speaker 1: do it. So for eight months we've been doing that.
Speaker 1: Right this past weekend, it's going on the ninth month,
Speaker 1: my best friend wants to come to town. So he's like, Yo, dee,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna come check you. Coaudina and I had an
Speaker 1: argument on Tuesday when he told me he was coming by,
Speaker 1: So it was my fault. I neglected to tell her
Speaker 1: he was coming by because we was already arguing about
Speaker 1: something completely slipped my mind. Whenesday Thursday goes by, Friday
Speaker 1: comes up, get a text message from Reef yo, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be by you at six thirty. I immediately said ah,
Speaker 1: because I already knew the ships thought that was gonna
Speaker 1: come down, right, I already knew, but I was like
Speaker 1: the funk that it's my house a man my house.
Speaker 1: I've been saying whatever you want, baby, eight months. It's
Speaker 1: gonna be fine. So I said, with a very light voice,
Speaker 1: say hey, babe, hey, you know you know Reef Reef
Speaker 1: said he's gonna come by. And I tried to run
Speaker 1: out the room and then she was like what happened.
Speaker 1: I said, oh, yeah, Reef had mentioned that he was
Speaker 1: gonna come by, and she was like, from Miami. He
Speaker 1: just mentioned. I said, yeah, hear this man. She's gonna
Speaker 1: come by and stay a couple of days. Then I
Speaker 1: tried to leave and she was like and I was like,
Speaker 1: what's up? And she was like stay weird and I
Speaker 1: was like, oh, he's just gonna stay here downstairs. And
Speaker 1: then she didn't even get mad. She just sucked her
Speaker 1: teeth and said and it triggered me, right, It triggered me,
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna be honest. I was in my feelings
Speaker 1: because I spent eight months saying whatever you want to do, baby,
Speaker 1: So now when I want to do something and I
Speaker 1: gotta get teeth sucking and eye rolling and heavy breathing,
Speaker 1: it triggered me. So I was like, what's the problem.
Speaker 1: I can't have a friend over. And then act came
Speaker 1: into like a whole argument for about two days, and
Speaker 1: it made me realize I need to talk to some
Speaker 1: other brothers. And then then this, this doesn't only happen
Speaker 1: in pregnancy, as you know, this happens all the time
Speaker 1: in marriage, right. It made me realize, like I spent
Speaker 1: all this time trying to be Superman until I implode,
Speaker 1: and then when I implode, I implode on the smallest thing.
Speaker 1: And I'm trying to figure out why does that happen?
Speaker 1: And I need you guys to help me with that.
Speaker 1: So that's what we're gonna talk about today. We're gonna
Speaker 1: take a quick break and when we come back, I
Speaker 1: gonna introduce our guests and we're gonna get into this
Speaker 1: topic being Superman. Karaoke time. I got a special karaoke
Speaker 1: for you guys today. There's no words to this song,
Speaker 1: but I'm pretty sure everyone's gonna know this song all right.
Speaker 1: I was singing it early and the gentleman heard it.
Speaker 1: All right, do you want to jump in? You can
Speaker 1: feel free to jump in. Pause dah da, dun. Everybody
Speaker 1: shouldn't know what that song is. Thing, what's the next part?
Speaker 1: I forgot to tasty? I don't be watching White Superman
Speaker 1: like that. They need to make a Black Superman. Maybe
Speaker 1: if it was a black super where I'd note, but
Speaker 1: it's gonna have a little more really, that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I'm Superman song would be better. They'd be like poomoom,
Speaker 1: That's what I think it would be. To my left
Speaker 1: here I got two gentlemen who I share the TV
Speaker 1: screen with often. One is my arch nemesis on sisters,
Speaker 1: so we're nemesisis. I don't know if it's nemesisis or
Speaker 1: Nemesis it's numbers. It's never don't. But to my left
Speaker 1: here is brother Kevin Walton, Kevin Walters also known as Walton,
Speaker 1: Kevin Walton, also known as Aaron. That's the anti Zach.
Speaker 1: To his left my man Trinity Boy at Trinity White Side,
Speaker 1: also known as Rodeo. I gave him that name. The Cowboys,
Speaker 1: my two brother sisters. Can we give yourselves a round
Speaker 1: of applause? Clap yourselves up, so real, real quick before
Speaker 1: we get into the meat of the show. Pause. Um,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna probably gonna pause a lot because I'm not
Speaker 1: on the show with two men and the same stuff
Speaker 1: like that. Just you know, I gotta come to let
Speaker 1: y'all know what it is, but I want you to
Speaker 1: introduce yourself. Kevin has been running a not only some
Speaker 1: men's group, but you are really big for the past
Speaker 1: ten years, over ten years helping men heal because you
Speaker 1: had some things happen in your life that pretty much
Speaker 1: changed you and changed the trajectory of your life. So
Speaker 1: can you talk a little bit about what you do
Speaker 1: and how that's gonna help us today? Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1: So I I do transformation work, spiritual guidance, activational speaking,
Speaker 1: and I have a practice I developed called Creatorhood that
Speaker 1: I've been teaching over ten years and it's creator itself
Speaker 1: the practices for everyone men, women, children, families. And then
Speaker 1: over the past like um say, three four or five years,
Speaker 1: we've I've started also specialize in focusing on on men
Speaker 1: and and connected with the brothers that that started the
Speaker 1: Sacred Son's Organization that I'm a leader in, and so
Speaker 1: it became a container for men to be able to
Speaker 1: really meet themselves fully in spaces of receiving support where
Speaker 1: that isn't very offered to men and in a way
Speaker 1: that's far more comprehensive, you know. So the important work um.
Speaker 1: It is. It is because like being able to process emotions,
Speaker 1: being able to know you have a safe space to
Speaker 1: really work through the things that, especially for men, we
Speaker 1: don't always have an avenue for or don't feel like
Speaker 1: we do right, not in not in the home, or
Speaker 1: in friendships. If there's that old mentality of how a
Speaker 1: man supposed to be, and so we created a container
Speaker 1: for men to really step in and understand what it
Speaker 1: means to really be vulnerable and why that's the source
Speaker 1: of our greatest strength, and why it's so important to
Speaker 1: shift the old paradigms of how we've you know, how
Speaker 1: we thought men to be and what that means to
Speaker 1: be right that. So I'm glad you talked about paradigms
Speaker 1: and what we think meant to be and how that's
Speaker 1: going to change. There isn't There's a reason why I
Speaker 1: have both of you guys here to your left, Trinity right.
Speaker 1: I call Trinity to O G. He's been married. I'm
Speaker 1: considered the O G typically everywhere I go because I've
Speaker 1: been married for eleven years. But Trinity has been married
Speaker 1: longer than me. He has grown children, and there's a
Speaker 1: lot of times when I talk about things that I'm
Speaker 1: going through Trinity and hit me with that. Yeah, I've
Speaker 1: been there before, so he's kind of been like a
Speaker 1: mentor in a lot of ways. Is what I can
Speaker 1: look forward to when my kids grow up, Trinity. Can
Speaker 1: you introduce yourself to everyone? Tell them I'm like my
Speaker 1: man said, I played Preston a k A Rodeo on
Speaker 1: the show. Um, my husband, father, like devoce, head of
Speaker 1: three children. My daughter's twenty two. M My older son
Speaker 1: is a freshman in college. He's eighteen, and my youngest
Speaker 1: is thirteen. He's in the eighth grade. Um, a lot
Speaker 1: of things that de Val has been through going through
Speaker 1: I've been through. Um, they're just growing pains, you know,
Speaker 1: and and as time passes, your wish for those times again. Um.
Speaker 1: But as far as you know, being married, Um, it's
Speaker 1: it's a lifetime commitment of trying. You know. Yeah, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I got married age of twenty. I just celebrated my
Speaker 1: nineteenth anniversary. Appreciate it. Yeah, And um it's it's And
Speaker 1: when I say trying, it's not like a New Year's
Speaker 1: resolution where it is you know, I'm gonna try to
Speaker 1: lose weight, I'm gonna try to eat better. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: try to achieve this or that. It's it's a lifetime
Speaker 1: commitment of trying, because if you ever quit trying, then
Speaker 1: you're headed from major problems. So let me ask you
Speaker 1: a question. You heard the story I told, right, and
Speaker 1: I told that story. This whole season has been dedicated
Speaker 1: to pregnancy. But people think that that story is a
Speaker 1: pregnancy story where your wife may just be emotional or
Speaker 1: maybe the hormones. But no things like this happen all
Speaker 1: the time. So do you have any story stories that
Speaker 1: you can relate to as far as you trying to
Speaker 1: be everything for your wife and you feel like the
Speaker 1: minute you ask for something, it's a problem. Do you
Speaker 1: have any stories like that? Oh? Man, look, I could
Speaker 1: take up the whole show with story anything like that.
Speaker 1: You know, being married nineteen years, those things they occur
Speaker 1: on the regular. It's not like you said, a pregnancy story.
Speaker 1: It could be a Tuesday morning story, you know, and
Speaker 1: so we we could be out to eat, you know,
Speaker 1: have a good time wine and dine, us spending quality
Speaker 1: time together or something like that. I might have something
Speaker 1: I need to take care of. Like you said, it's
Speaker 1: kind of similar to what you said with your friend by.
Speaker 1: You know, my wife really doesn't like unannounced company, and
Speaker 1: so my dad could be coming boy to see the kids.
Speaker 1: He could have told me it like noon, I'm at
Speaker 1: the gym or something like that. Okay, yeah, sure, come
Speaker 1: on by completely slips in my mind. I'm off at
Speaker 1: the mall or getting their haircut of taking the kids
Speaker 1: somewhere like that. And I talked to my wife about
Speaker 1: six pm. She's like, your dad's at the door. I'm like,
Speaker 1: my god, I'm like, yeah, he uh, he told me earlier.
Speaker 1: I had meant to tell you. I was, um, you know,
Speaker 1: I started to like like like when your kids are
Speaker 1: trouble and they're trying to explain, you know, why they
Speaker 1: didn't turn their homework, and I'm like, yeah, so, um,
Speaker 1: I couldn't find my phone and you would I think
Speaker 1: you was washing your hair. I didn't want to bother you,
Speaker 1: and I was trying to tell you. But yeah, he
Speaker 1: was coming back. He's just not He's not gonna stay long.
Speaker 1: He'll be in and out to see the kids. And
Speaker 1: I'm sitting there, I'm waiting on a response, and then
Speaker 1: the worst response I can get a dead silence, and
Speaker 1: so I'm like, yeah, just Uh, I'll be I'm I'm
Speaker 1: my way at home. Do you need anything there? You
Speaker 1: go there, you go get them something, get them something
Speaker 1: you need to ring a car, anything on my way
Speaker 1: home that I can get you to help ease this pain.
Speaker 1: But let me ask you a question, though, because this
Speaker 1: is how I feel sometimes, this is I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: the most honest I've I've ever been, right as a
Speaker 1: guy and a husband who is dedicated to servant and
Speaker 1: being a certain lead servant leader. Because I see myself
Speaker 1: as a leader of my house. I watched my grandfather
Speaker 1: on my father's side be a leader. I watched my
Speaker 1: father be a leader at the home. I've it's honorable
Speaker 1: for me to do anything in my power to make
Speaker 1: my wife happy. Right, it doesn't matter what she asked for,
Speaker 1: doesn't matter when she asked for it. It's it's honorable
Speaker 1: for me as the husband to say, I'm gonna make
Speaker 1: that happen for her. So for me, sometimes I feel
Speaker 1: like it's I feel taken for granted when I just
Speaker 1: asked for something, and it's a problem because I don't
Speaker 1: understand why it has to be a problem, Like why
Speaker 1: do all the things I ask for have to be
Speaker 1: done on your terms in order for it to be
Speaker 1: done right. But when it comes to you as my wife,
Speaker 1: you can just ask me off for women, and I
Speaker 1: gotta make it happen. And I watched my grandfather go
Speaker 1: through that with my grandmother. I watched my father go
Speaker 1: through that with my mom, and it made me start
Speaker 1: to wonder, like how how do we get here? And
Speaker 1: you talked about paradigms. Remember you just talked about cardims.
Speaker 1: Is it us as men? Is it our fault that
Speaker 1: once you get married you just look to please your
Speaker 1: wife and then when you don't get it reciprocated the
Speaker 1: same way you like, you explode or implode. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, is it is it us? It's both?
Speaker 1: Like the thing about life is understanding ownership of self
Speaker 1: first in every respect. So even with what you just suxpressed,
Speaker 1: the paradigm and thought of thinking you can make anyone
Speaker 1: feel anything is also a misconception. I get that makes sense. Yeah,
Speaker 1: when it comes to emotional health and feeling state, it's
Speaker 1: not so much that your you want to make your
Speaker 1: partner feel a certain way. It's your ability to support,
Speaker 1: magnify or encouraging like them leave that so like, as
Speaker 1: you know, you wouldn't be able to force right your
Speaker 1: wife to be happy. She if she's happy, no, right,
Speaker 1: then your job as a partner is to support that
Speaker 1: encourage the same way would be if if they're feeling
Speaker 1: any other emotional state. It's the ability to know that
Speaker 1: it's okay to feel that I'm here with you, right,
Speaker 1: that kind of space where there's a support of feeling state.
Speaker 1: But the notion of um of a concept for for
Speaker 1: men specifically as being like you have to do everything
Speaker 1: and just shut up right. The concept of right even
Speaker 1: that and that that to me is something I constantly
Speaker 1: I'm dispelling when I do a lot of work with
Speaker 1: individuals or couples, it's getting that concept to shift. But
Speaker 1: there's also a reason why there's an essence of it
Speaker 1: that work. So, for instance, in a household, when you
Speaker 1: think of masculine and feminine principles of energy and the
Speaker 1: way that they operate, there's very specific qualities to masculine,
Speaker 1: very specific qualities to feminine, and we all have both
Speaker 1: inside of us, and there's the way that dynamic plays
Speaker 1: out in relationships outside of us. And so when it
Speaker 1: comes to um, the qualities themselves the masculine. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: talking about the quality first, then what it means to
Speaker 1: be embodied as a man. Right, So the masculine is
Speaker 1: the structural container and the sense of direction and movement, right,
Speaker 1: the feminine. Before you finish, is this like a fact
Speaker 1: or is this opinion? Because you know people will listen
Speaker 1: and be like, well, all women ain't this way, all
Speaker 1: men ain't that way. But masculine energy is described as that.
Speaker 1: And I want to be clear about so, and this
Speaker 1: is and and even when I teach my classes on this,
Speaker 1: the first thing I speak on I said when I
Speaker 1: when I talked about this, I'm talking about the energy
Speaker 1: first before we even get to men and women, so
Speaker 1: that people understand what's happening. Because so for that reason,
Speaker 1: so what I'm talking about is factual information on how
Speaker 1: how the principles of energy work, how um like, how
Speaker 1: the laws and structure of existence works with this. So
Speaker 1: there's very specific qualities that represent masculine principles of energy.
Speaker 1: So how energy works, if we have to go the
Speaker 1: science of it, I break that down I can. Right,
Speaker 1: So in in the qualities of masculine, all the aspects
Speaker 1: of being assertive, aggressive, commanding, living for purpose and freedom
Speaker 1: and structure and all of that steadiness, consistency, responsibility, All
Speaker 1: of that has to do with the qualities of masculine energy,
Speaker 1: the mask and principle of energy. Feminine energy is the playful,
Speaker 1: the creative cultivation, nurturing um, the suggestive, the gentle, the um,
Speaker 1: the devotion, the fullness like sensuality and intuitive all that
Speaker 1: and and we feel emotions to our feminine So the
Speaker 1: whole premise of life is their design to work together. Right,
Speaker 1: So when you think of that house a household space,
Speaker 1: and you think of if masking is creative expression of
Speaker 1: energy and feminist creative cultivation in a home, there's the
Speaker 1: masculine that sets the tone for the container. So the structure,
Speaker 1: the foundation, the steadiness, the safety of a container. Right.
Speaker 1: The feminine is the nurturing quality of the appmosphere, the
Speaker 1: emotional tone, the all of that is what the feminine
Speaker 1: energy holds. Now, real quick, is there any place we
Speaker 1: can you can quote to say this is where I
Speaker 1: get this information from, Because I know the first thing
Speaker 1: people are gonna ask, is, well, who created this? If
Speaker 1: a man created this, why should we believe what a
Speaker 1: man says? You know, there's a lot of arguments, yeah
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, or they're gonna say a
Speaker 1: woman created this is like, why should I believe a woman?
Speaker 1: I'm a man. I always want to know if there's
Speaker 1: any text in particular, we can put that on our
Speaker 1: website or on our Instagram page so people can know
Speaker 1: where to get this information. Yeah, well, actually, I love
Speaker 1: you said that. I can. I could even offer you
Speaker 1: some of the things, cause I've been teaching this for
Speaker 1: a very long time and it's and the practice that
Speaker 1: I teach has been organic development because even aside from
Speaker 1: a couple of the people I know in my life,
Speaker 1: very few people go to this depth of masking and
Speaker 1: feminine understanding it. Most people approach mask and feminine from
Speaker 1: just the man women's face. And there's um awesome people
Speaker 1: that drop a lot of insight around it, like David
Speaker 1: did as an author, He's he's great at understanding certain
Speaker 1: relationship dynamics a masking of feminine. But there's the foundational pieces.
Speaker 1: For me, it's it's what I teach and it's proven
Speaker 1: over and over again. And I've been in the process
Speaker 1: of developing the certification from our practice and all of
Speaker 1: that but it doesn't define correct because gender gender, gender
Speaker 1: and sex are two different things, right like male or
Speaker 1: female is also different than gender. And so when I
Speaker 1: speak on this, when I speak on it first, the
Speaker 1: reason why it's important to understand the principles of energy
Speaker 1: is then we can understand that dynamic inside of us
Speaker 1: as individuals and then how it plays out. So for instance,
Speaker 1: your ability, all of our abilities, and this is the
Speaker 1: new stage of evolution for us as a species, is
Speaker 1: that men understanding the importance of our feminine aspect, meaning
Speaker 1: our ability to feel our emotions the record the time
Speaker 1: that we actually it is for us to be gentle
Speaker 1: and considerate, and then there's times for us to be
Speaker 1: aggressive and assertive and knowing both and everyone ends up
Speaker 1: being lad with one more than the other. So in
Speaker 1: any relationship dynamic, you'll see someone's going to be more
Speaker 1: femine leed, someone's gonna be more masters and then you.
Speaker 1: But if you both don't have judgments about your mass
Speaker 1: and the feminine sides, there's times to adjust to each other.
Speaker 1: So like if if you guys, because you're in contine,
Speaker 1: are are very much in the public eye working together
Speaker 1: a lot of different dynamics there's spaces where she'll take
Speaker 1: the lead on something right and you'll support her absolutely.
Speaker 1: And that the relationship of how mass in a feminist
Speaker 1: designed to work. It's like this, always moving and it's
Speaker 1: never separates, always working together. So so let me ask
Speaker 1: a question, right, based on even our wives don't talk.
Speaker 1: So the stories you hear sounds so similar. But it's
Speaker 1: not like there's a women's tribune and they said we're
Speaker 1: gonna funk with out husbands today. Well, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. But even the way he even chose to
Speaker 1: deal with, you know, trying to lower his tone, lower
Speaker 1: the way he speaks, trying to you know, there's times
Speaker 1: in my life where I feel like I'm trying to
Speaker 1: be Superman the same way Trinity said he was probably
Speaker 1: with the kids, doing this, doing that. He's he has
Speaker 1: his mind set on so many other things, trying to help,
Speaker 1: and then in doing all of that, he may just
Speaker 1: be looking for a little reprieve somewhere and then when
Speaker 1: it doesn't come, that's when the trouble hits you. Do
Speaker 1: you do you feel like that? Absolutely? Absolutely? Um, It's
Speaker 1: like I said that the rules to me are different,
Speaker 1: and we had this conversation, Um, you can do wrong,
Speaker 1: Like I've been in a situation where I've done something wrong,
Speaker 1: where I've upset my wife and made heim mad, or
Speaker 1: I didn't do something she wanted me to do, or
Speaker 1: something of that nature. I apologize immediately. Oh, I know
Speaker 1: where you're going with that. I apologize immediately, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, I'm sorry, I'm wrong. I like to
Speaker 1: resolve things. I don't like to I don't like to
Speaker 1: take time to myself. I don't like to let things
Speaker 1: linger or let them steal in that gives you more
Speaker 1: time to cultivate more emotion and think, oh, well, I'm
Speaker 1: mad about this on top of him doing this, on
Speaker 1: top of her doing that, and so I like to
Speaker 1: resolve the issue and get back to the way things
Speaker 1: are normally. So I can apologize for whatever wrong doing
Speaker 1: it was and still get the silent treatment like like
Speaker 1: like it's it's not enough, like that apology. Yeah, you apologize,
Speaker 1: but I need more from you, because that apology isn't enough.
Speaker 1: Whereas she could do something that upsets me or makes
Speaker 1: me mad, and you yeah, yeah, and she and and
Speaker 1: and and she's mad because I'm mad because of something
Speaker 1: she did and gives me the silent treatment all day long.
Speaker 1: It didn't come to me at bedtime. It's like, you know,
Speaker 1: I thought about it over the last nine hours, and
Speaker 1: that's my life, my life, and you were right. I
Speaker 1: was wrong. I was wrong, and so forget about these
Speaker 1: last three days of silence. If we just we should
Speaker 1: go back to how we were now because I've apologized,
Speaker 1: and me being me, I'll be like, alright, cool, we're fine.
Speaker 1: But I'm just like, why is that not the case
Speaker 1: when I apologize to you? Why is it not okay?
Speaker 1: Let's get back to how it was. It's like the
Speaker 1: apology isn't enough. I need more? What is that perfect?
Speaker 1: So we're both going crazy. So what's actually being asked
Speaker 1: for is the feeling state? This is and this is
Speaker 1: something that's been overlooked for millennia when the role and
Speaker 1: so now we'll go to male and female, right, the
Speaker 1: role is is female is asking feeling states to be met.
Speaker 1: Masculine is asking for like logic structure, What that's what
Speaker 1: I want? So? What what right? So in the evolution
Speaker 1: for us as men, if you can move past the
Speaker 1: content of what if, if if anything? She says that
Speaker 1: she's upset about right, It's less about the content and
Speaker 1: more about the feeling. States. So when you apologize, you're
Speaker 1: apologize for the action. But that's the logical masculine mind going,
Speaker 1: Look I did this, I'll own it. That's the end
Speaker 1: of the story. Well, can I be honest? Can I
Speaker 1: just be on it before you finish? It? Seemed like
Speaker 1: goal this evolution is happening for us. Why are we No? No, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: it's not no, it is not bro, I've denied for
Speaker 1: eleven years. For eleven years, I've been in a constant
Speaker 1: state of compromise. Yes, understanding, right, right, that's the state
Speaker 1: of compromise. Understanding, Bro. Yes, but that but that that's
Speaker 1: on that's on you, but not just on you where
Speaker 1: it's like a fault. This is the biggest misconception about
Speaker 1: relationship dynamics is that people think compromise or sacrifice is
Speaker 1: actually an act of love. And it's not. Okay, explain
Speaker 1: that because I think love. Love doesn't sacrifice, It dedicates
Speaker 1: and I'll talk about what that means. And you don't
Speaker 1: want compromise and relationship to thrive, you want synergy. Synergy
Speaker 1: is far different than compromise. Compromise over time will always
Speaker 1: end up leading to bitterness and resentment no matter what.
Speaker 1: Before you get going, are you married? No? That's why
Speaker 1: you don't understand what I'm saying. Now, Now I get it. Wait,
Speaker 1: but why aren't you married? Brother? Can we talk about that?
Speaker 1: We could see you see smiling right, he's a whole
Speaker 1: bunch of smiling life. Yeah. Why why haven't you gotten mad?
Speaker 1: For me? Like, I've the idea of relationships and there
Speaker 1: was a time in my life where I was like,
Speaker 1: I don't know if you know, marriage or relationships is
Speaker 1: in the cars for me like that now and I've
Speaker 1: evolved past that space and I do realize how beautiful
Speaker 1: relationship dynamics are and what they offer and have a
Speaker 1: ton more insight around it. Now. You've been doing right
Speaker 1: so for me personally, where I dedicate my heart in
Speaker 1: my life too, that that means the most to me
Speaker 1: is where I'm focused now and that's been um making
Speaker 1: sure that I have an awesome coparent relationship with my
Speaker 1: son's mother, which I do that Ma Fami dynamic, take
Speaker 1: care of my son and where my time goes in dedication.
Speaker 1: What I've now and the understanding too is also being
Speaker 1: very clear about why I would get into a relationship again,
Speaker 1: why or why not, and making sure that for me,
Speaker 1: understanding the caliber relationship dynamic that that I'm open to
Speaker 1: and knowing how important it is to ensure that I'm
Speaker 1: continually owning my sense of self in presence is like
Speaker 1: the ultimate and so where some yeah, so some some
Speaker 1: concepts of life. Some people have, like you know, marriage
Speaker 1: and all that is one of their top priorities. For me,
Speaker 1: it would be something to to include in what my
Speaker 1: greater purposes. But then that also means that relationship dynamic
Speaker 1: would have to match that caliber of purpose. Now that's
Speaker 1: that's fair because Kay and I talk about this all
Speaker 1: the time, like marriage is not for everybody, and not
Speaker 1: getting married it's not a failure in life. It's it's
Speaker 1: also understanding what you want and what you need in
Speaker 1: life before you decide that you want to involve with
Speaker 1: be involved with someone. But I'm just I asked that
Speaker 1: question because there's a certain understanding when you've been married
Speaker 1: with someone for over a decade and you notice when
Speaker 1: you feel like you're in a constant state of compromise
Speaker 1: and that person is just in a constant state of
Speaker 1: getting what they want and for for me for the
Speaker 1: most part. And I can't generalize, but I know when
Speaker 1: I get around all my married friends, all the husbands
Speaker 1: have the same story. All the wives have the same story.
Speaker 1: The wives are all saying, my husband don't understand me,
Speaker 1: he's insensitive. All the husbands are saying, I just want
Speaker 1: things to make sense and I want things to be fair,
Speaker 1: but things don't seem to be fair. Meanwhile, and I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about every husband, because every husband is not
Speaker 1: created cool. All husbands are not good husbands. The husbands
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the dudes that I know, like Trinity,
Speaker 1: committed to committed, dedicated, but not only to just their
Speaker 1: wife but their kids and also building for their family
Speaker 1: and their legacy. So I'm talking about the type of
Speaker 1: man who wakes up in the morning thinking, how can
Speaker 1: I make my family's life better? How can I make
Speaker 1: my wife's day better? How can I make my kids
Speaker 1: day better. I'm talking about those type of man. And
Speaker 1: I have to say that because the first thing people
Speaker 1: would say is, well, my husband don't do ship. But
Speaker 1: we ain't talking about that nigger. So you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. So you thing, you gotta you gotta work.
Speaker 1: And I'm talking about the type of men that are
Speaker 1: trying to be Superman but feeling like no matter how
Speaker 1: hard they go to create this sense of peace in
Speaker 1: their home, it's just never a sense of peace. And
Speaker 1: how we implode that because I've had I have I've
Speaker 1: had breakdowns, and I've I've read listener letters. We're gonna
Speaker 1: read a couple of listener letters later. I get emails,
Speaker 1: I get dm from dudes who just be like, bro,
Speaker 1: I need to be talked off the edge because I'm
Speaker 1: either gonna fight this bitch or I'm leaving. And I
Speaker 1: try to tell them, like, the way you're feeling is
Speaker 1: not abnormal, Like you're not an anomaly in marverage, Like
Speaker 1: we're all in this together, and that feeling of uncertainty
Speaker 1: and being off balance, it's kind of normal, you know.
Speaker 1: I'm saying. That's why I like having this conversation. Because
Speaker 1: people do watch us on social media and they list
Speaker 1: to the podcast. I feel like, oh, the Valencodeine got
Speaker 1: everything figured out. Little do they know we argue just
Speaker 1: as much as everybody. We have our moments where we
Speaker 1: just don't like each other, and we get over it
Speaker 1: and we work through it, But that doesn't that doesn't
Speaker 1: change the fact that there are times even when I
Speaker 1: can't speak to my wife about it. And I'll be
Speaker 1: honest here, it's probably gonna be the first time she's
Speaker 1: probably heard some of this. But I go through states
Speaker 1: of depression where you feel like you're giving and giving
Speaker 1: and giving to everyone and it's not being met. So
Speaker 1: you just you you kind of like give up, like
Speaker 1: you're just like I'm tired of I'm tired of just
Speaker 1: giving to everybody. So then what you try to do
Speaker 1: is you try to pull back from giving to everybody
Speaker 1: because you feel like that's going to make things even.
Speaker 1: But then in trying to pull back from everybody, that
Speaker 1: gets you depressed because that's not what you naturally want
Speaker 1: to do. I'm servant leader. I want to be able
Speaker 1: to serve. So when my wife says she wants to
Speaker 1: do something, the pettiness in me wants to be like,
Speaker 1: am I doing that ship because she didn't do this
Speaker 1: when I asked? And now I try to stick put
Speaker 1: my foot down. But then I'm like, she really needs
Speaker 1: my help, and then then I go do it and
Speaker 1: I help her, and then she takes my hope and
Speaker 1: she goes off and does whatever she want to do.
Speaker 1: I asked her for something, she wrote her eyes and
Speaker 1: then I'm like, now we're back to square one, you
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like I've I've put all my
Speaker 1: ship aside to help you do something, but then when
Speaker 1: I need something, I don't get the same. And how
Speaker 1: how can we what are the tools but we can
Speaker 1: utilize to get through those those moments Because I can't
Speaker 1: drink alcohol every day, I can't smoke weed every day,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, And that and and that's
Speaker 1: that's it, like being able to not be dependent on
Speaker 1: things to feel a sense of peace, right, So being
Speaker 1: able to shift that because the thing that's really asked
Speaker 1: in us as men, especially now, and the realization of
Speaker 1: to be to really embody that essence of masculine. It's
Speaker 1: no longer about say, just the idea of being provider.
Speaker 1: It's about being full presence. Bull presence is far different.
Speaker 1: It's a different game because now you're you're living from
Speaker 1: the inside out, which is the proper orientation. But full
Speaker 1: presence mean like like performatively, what does that look like?
Speaker 1: So like being fully so full presence is being engaged
Speaker 1: with your life fully. So what I mean by that
Speaker 1: is like you're aware, consciously aware of your emotional state,
Speaker 1: and you don't overwrite it, you don't bypass it, you
Speaker 1: don't suppress it. You genuinely take a moment to acknowledge
Speaker 1: your own emotions. Suppressing it as part of the problem,
Speaker 1: because because that's the depression is, and depression is actually
Speaker 1: whenever there's some form of sadness. It doesn't mean it
Speaker 1: has to be like full fledged bawling, but some form
Speaker 1: of sadness that you don't know how to process, there's
Speaker 1: gonna be a judgment about feeling sad and that and
Speaker 1: that judgment is going to bring anger, and anger is
Speaker 1: going to suppress the sadness. And that's where depression comes from,
Speaker 1: is actually anger turned inward. So can I ask your question? Well,
Speaker 1: I don't ask you a question because I know I
Speaker 1: do this and I know that you you probably have
Speaker 1: to do this. Sometimes there's times where I feel like
Speaker 1: a moment of sadness or like anger, but in order
Speaker 1: to keep my household running at the way it needs
Speaker 1: to be, I can't express it to my wife or
Speaker 1: my kids. You know I'm saying, when when you're married
Speaker 1: to someone I know, if I expressed the way I
Speaker 1: feel a out something to her, it automatically brings her down.
Speaker 1: You know. She she she tends to take everything I
Speaker 1: say personally, So if I say something to her, then
Speaker 1: she takes it as or something's wrong with me, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing something right, and then it brings the whole
Speaker 1: aura of the house down, which then goes to the kids.
Speaker 1: So a lot of times I find myself when I
Speaker 1: do have an issue with something, just suppressing it for
Speaker 1: the sake of the mood of the whole house, and
Speaker 1: then that day turns into three days turns into we
Speaker 1: had to do You experience the same thing, absolutely, um,
Speaker 1: and I'm glad you touched on that, because, like when
Speaker 1: when you're married and you have kids, your your own
Speaker 1: self preservation is no longer your top problems. Your wife,
Speaker 1: your kids above all else. You want to make sure
Speaker 1: they're they're happy, they're good, they're they have no worries.
Speaker 1: And um, so let's rewind back to when the pandemic
Speaker 1: first hit. You're you're worried about your wife and kids.
Speaker 1: You want to make sure they're safe. You know, everybody's COVID.
Speaker 1: This COVID the you know, and I'm worried about them. Okay,
Speaker 1: And at the same time, are our work is shut down?
Speaker 1: We don't know when the money's coming in. I'm the
Speaker 1: bread winner. I work. My wife, thank god now is
Speaker 1: to stay at home mom. I'm able to do that
Speaker 1: for her. But this is at a time when I
Speaker 1: wasn't even serious regular yet it had been announced, but
Speaker 1: I hadn't been paid like you. So now I'm like,
Speaker 1: so when is the money coming? So then the gems
Speaker 1: are closed for me. The gym is more than just
Speaker 1: working out. It's stress relief. I go there and I
Speaker 1: leave it all in there. When I come out, I
Speaker 1: feel great. I've been going there for like the last
Speaker 1: twenty years, six seven days a week. I can't do
Speaker 1: that anymore. You go out into public, you gotta worry
Speaker 1: about getting sick, your kids, your wife getting sick. Then
Speaker 1: you gotta throw a masks. I'm a people person. I
Speaker 1: love people, and my dad always says, anytime my son
Speaker 1: is talking to somebody, he's always smiling. Well, you don't
Speaker 1: get that no more because you can't see their smiles
Speaker 1: because they're their masks now. And so then the stress
Speaker 1: starts to sit in and it's kind of like a
Speaker 1: domino effect for me. It was distress. It in is
Speaker 1: everybody gonna be safe? My kids are gonna catch coked?
Speaker 1: My wife? Okay, we got bills, where's the money coming.
Speaker 1: I don't have an outlet like the gym anymore to
Speaker 1: relieve distress. And you got a smile. Got to because
Speaker 1: I don't want the kids worrying because they see me worrying,
Speaker 1: or the wife worrying because they see me worrying because
Speaker 1: I never worry. I'm always the one my wife is, oh,
Speaker 1: this is coming, that's coming. I'm like, it always works
Speaker 1: itself out. But now I found myself in a place
Speaker 1: where she's like this, and I'm still like, don't worry,
Speaker 1: It's gonna work itself out. But on the inside, I'm like,
Speaker 1: how is this going to work itself out? That's bro.
Speaker 1: You us explained how I'll be feeling every single day.
Speaker 1: And I try to explain this to my wife on
Speaker 1: days where even when because women say they want communication,
Speaker 1: when I tell her I need something that I don't
Speaker 1: get it, and then I try to express her that
Speaker 1: makes me feel, then she'll be like, well, you just complaining.
Speaker 1: I'm like, am I complaining? Or am I telling you
Speaker 1: how I feel? So it's like if I don't say ship,
Speaker 1: then I'm not being communicative and that's toxic. But then
Speaker 1: if I'm saying ship, then I'm bitching and I'm complaining,
Speaker 1: what the fund do you want me to do? And
Speaker 1: then on top of that, I still got to deal
Speaker 1: with these emotions regardless of what I say, I gotta
Speaker 1: deal with it. And I feel a lot of times
Speaker 1: we don't get no off switch. And men don't talk
Speaker 1: about this a lot because we're even programmed not to talk.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. My grandfather condition, you'll be quiet,
Speaker 1: you'll be steadfast, you'd be strong, and you'd be still.
Speaker 1: That's how my my grandfather was. He talked my father
Speaker 1: the same thing. My father never talked about financial problems
Speaker 1: to us. He lost his job, I laid off a
Speaker 1: couple of times, and he never let me know that
Speaker 1: there were issues. But he is figured it out. So
Speaker 1: I was walk in the house thinking we were always fine.
Speaker 1: Come to find out there were times we were not fine.
Speaker 1: But that feeling of not having to worry as a
Speaker 1: child is what I want for my kids. So we
Speaker 1: have to harbor all of this. There's no off days.
Speaker 1: The thing that bothers me. I'm gonna let you interject.
Speaker 1: My wife said something to me when I talked to
Speaker 1: her about being consistent, and she said, sometimes I just
Speaker 1: want to take a break, and I should be entitled
Speaker 1: to take a break. And I say, fine, you get
Speaker 1: to take breaks. Name a time in our marriage where
Speaker 1: I got to take a break. I've been the breadwinner
Speaker 1: since we've been married eleven years ago. There's no days
Speaker 1: when I get to say, you know what, Kay, here
Speaker 1: the bills for three months. I need to take a break.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. For men, sometimes I feel like,
Speaker 1: and it's not complaints, it's just the fact when you're
Speaker 1: trying to be a servant leader that when you don't
Speaker 1: have no time to take breaks and you're always worried
Speaker 1: about everyone's mental health, yours is not a priority. What
Speaker 1: tools can we find to say, I need to get
Speaker 1: out of this before I do something. What I'm saying, Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's a couple of things in that. Because it's also
Speaker 1: and this is why I mean like both men and
Speaker 1: women and everyone in general evolving, because it's it's gonna
Speaker 1: be a comprehensive thing, like when when we talk when
Speaker 1: we talk about living from synergy and not compromise, right,
Speaker 1: compromises a denial of self. Synergy is is a consideration
Speaker 1: of the whole. So synergy recognizes everyone's individual sovereignty and
Speaker 1: recognizes you're part of something greater, which means that when
Speaker 1: things come, if disagreements arise or things come come about,
Speaker 1: instead of the idea of being like yeah, whatever you say,
Speaker 1: or shutting down, it becomes an exploration that both feeling
Speaker 1: states get honored and you're guiding it in a direction
Speaker 1: where you can meet and and it's always there. Not
Speaker 1: some of the times the possibility that is always there,
Speaker 1: but that's not what we've been that's not exactly. It
Speaker 1: takes more patience and more dedication to do that because
Speaker 1: it's a it's an easy out to be like yeah, fine,
Speaker 1: But that's also a form of escape, which is a
Speaker 1: misalignment of the masculine. So when we talk about purpose,
Speaker 1: escape is a misalignment of the masculine. So rather than
Speaker 1: dealing with problems when you drink or you smoke, or
Speaker 1: you go out, that's a miss some mask. But you
Speaker 1: know what we've been taught growing up, sometimes you need
Speaker 1: to find an escape on your own, that's all. There's
Speaker 1: so many exactly like, there's so many there's so many
Speaker 1: things we've been taught that are literally in direct contradiction
Speaker 1: with nature and our health and optimal and well being.
Speaker 1: One one of the other ones being there are spaces
Speaker 1: to work through things as men that your partner is
Speaker 1: not designed to support you with. That is what struggles like,
Speaker 1: So you your ability to express how you feel to
Speaker 1: your partner is important for both, for both and and
Speaker 1: everyone being able to receive their partner in that is
Speaker 1: important and establish that container. Then there's depths of that
Speaker 1: to work through that they're not meant to. That's not
Speaker 1: that's not their role. The reason why we create a
Speaker 1: secretty as a as a and having this this support
Speaker 1: system for men is that there is a place that
Speaker 1: men have to go to to go to the depths
Speaker 1: of their pain, the depths of their emotion, the depths
Speaker 1: of their mental capacity. That is that must be designed
Speaker 1: to hold it. Your partners not signed to hold that effort.
Speaker 1: What you're saying is for me, expecting to be able
Speaker 1: to resolve all of my issues with my wife's part
Speaker 1: of the problem. And that's part of the reason why
Speaker 1: I always feel like she's not being irrational because she's
Speaker 1: not even designed to understand she's pretty much. What you're
Speaker 1: saying is you need a guy group, You need a
Speaker 1: space of support for you. Yeah, every every man. And
Speaker 1: that's been because you think about what we've been doing
Speaker 1: for so long, right, Like we feel like we have
Speaker 1: to be strong and don't let anyone see anything which
Speaker 1: eats us up. And then we get around our boys
Speaker 1: and it's the idea of a nine gonna be weak,
Speaker 1: right and now it's cool, you know it's And we
Speaker 1: don't ever go further in. We don't do that, but
Speaker 1: we get together, like when we when we read together,
Speaker 1: when me read my boys, we get together. I'm probably
Speaker 1: the most vulnerable because I know I'm not going to
Speaker 1: be judged, and I know I'm dealing with dudes who
Speaker 1: are on the same level mindset that I'm on. There's
Speaker 1: no there's no dick measurement contest. I don't got to
Speaker 1: be the toughest guy in the room all the time.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm saying, that's the sign of both of
Speaker 1: your maturities, because what you guys represent is a recognition
Speaker 1: of a moraligned and healthier form of masculine, and there's
Speaker 1: still there's still another capacity to go. But the fact
Speaker 1: that you already do that because I was, I was
Speaker 1: the same way even when I didn't, wasn't this clear
Speaker 1: and centered when it came to me and my friends,
Speaker 1: we would have all kinds of in depth conversations around
Speaker 1: the stuff because I and I would be vulnerable with them,
Speaker 1: and like if I if and I see them, I'll
Speaker 1: tell them I love them, you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like it is that real. So the what you guys
Speaker 1: represent and also the reason why your family dynamics are
Speaker 1: are doing so well. What they is a part of
Speaker 1: that the the but there's still always a another capacity
Speaker 1: to go because for me, it's not just like say,
Speaker 1: if you go to the gym. The gym is a
Speaker 1: great way to let off steam and energy, but it
Speaker 1: doesn't address why that was even there in the first
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying, Yeah, eventually it won't be enough.
Speaker 1: And so what we're looking to do as we evolved,
Speaker 1: because this is the things we have to start knowing
Speaker 1: how to actually guide our children on and evolve relationship
Speaker 1: dynamics to meet because the space of right, so to me,
Speaker 1: it's and I do just want to teach my my
Speaker 1: parenting worship. Number one rule for a parent be vulnerable
Speaker 1: with your children. Yeah, told me the same thing. So
Speaker 1: important because because they'll also learn through your own process
Speaker 1: how to process emotions. That vulnerability is is an actual
Speaker 1: source of our greatest strength, not a weakness. Right. We
Speaker 1: were taught the opposite for so long, and that's why
Speaker 1: it's there's no mistake why the dropout rate is highest
Speaker 1: for men, the suicide rate is highest for men. Why
Speaker 1: all mostly mass shootings, all this stuff are mostly men.
Speaker 1: There's no reason why. There's there's a very reason why
Speaker 1: that's the case. I'm going to read these off to
Speaker 1: you just so I'm gonna read a couple of statistics off.
Speaker 1: Forty seven thousand, five hundred and eleven Americans died by suicide,
Speaker 1: making the tenth leading cause of death. That's a lot
Speaker 1: of people. Men died by suicide three points six times
Speaker 1: more often than females. And I'm not a scientist, but
Speaker 1: I attributed that to the fact that women have been
Speaker 1: conditioned to express their feelings, so they don't go you see,
Speaker 1: they have expresses to do that men don't. Twelve million
Speaker 1: Americans have serious thoughts of suicide. One point three seven
Speaker 1: nine million Americans attempted suicide. Fifty of Americans have been
Speaker 1: affected by suicide in some way. Now here's a very
Speaker 1: important thing. Personal relationships and marriage in particular bear substantial,
Speaker 1: substantially on self inflicted mortality risk, including suicide. As University
Speaker 1: of Maryland sociologists Philip and Cohen noted in the working
Speaker 1: paper last year, the increase in overall mortality rates among
Speaker 1: white Americans so called deaths of despair, attributed to self
Speaker 1: inflicted causes like drug over those, suicide, and alcohol abuse,
Speaker 1: which is limited almost exclusively to those who are not
Speaker 1: married for men and women. Which means marriage in a
Speaker 1: way kind of helps people with those things. I guess
Speaker 1: because we have the people to bounces and you have
Speaker 1: a purpose, like you said, purpose driven, it says here um.
Speaker 1: Research from the National Longitudinal Mortality Study finds that divorced
Speaker 1: people in particular are twice as likely to commit suicide
Speaker 1: compared to married people. So, with all of that being said,
Speaker 1: I have a question to ask. We have a lot
Speaker 1: of female listeners, and my wife is also listening. She's
Speaker 1: over there shout out to you, baby, Um, yes, you
Speaker 1: know I got a shout out the wife her pregnant
Speaker 1: self that, Um, what are some tips pause that you
Speaker 1: can I I gotta say that it's I can't say
Speaker 1: that it's divine, masculine motherfucker. All right? Um, what are
Speaker 1: are some tips that you can tell wives or women
Speaker 1: who are in relationships how to deal because, like you said,
Speaker 1: K is not designed to deal with some of the
Speaker 1: issues I have. But for years I've been trying to
Speaker 1: help her, help me, help us, and it has not
Speaker 1: been working. And for the longest time, we've adopted this
Speaker 1: saying we're just different, so we don't we don't argue
Speaker 1: and fight no more. But when we get to that
Speaker 1: point where it's like it's just it don't matter how
Speaker 1: many times we have this discussion, it's like putting a
Speaker 1: round peg in the square holes, like, you know what,
Speaker 1: We're just different. Let's just figure it out. Um. But
Speaker 1: I don't want to leave it as I gotta figure
Speaker 1: it out on MYRT because this is what tends to happen.
Speaker 1: And I have boys who hit me be like yo,
Speaker 1: my wife think I'm cheating because I'd be out and
Speaker 1: I say why why are you out? And he'll be
Speaker 1: like bro. Sometimes I need to break. You know, I
Speaker 1: go to the gym, and I'd rather not just go
Speaker 1: to gym and go back home. I'll just be out
Speaker 1: for a couple out. She want to know where I'm going.
Speaker 1: It's like, this is my time for space. Why do
Speaker 1: I have to give you all of this information? But
Speaker 1: then when I try to sit down and talk to
Speaker 1: you about what's the problem is now I'm annoying. So
Speaker 1: I just want to be out and clear my mind.
Speaker 1: And her first thing is, or you must be out
Speaker 1: with someone else. A lot of women don't realize men,
Speaker 1: especially men who want to be married, like I chose
Speaker 1: to be married, Trinity chose me married. We don't want
Speaker 1: to just go out and just cheat like sometimes we
Speaker 1: just want to be by myself. The same thing with
Speaker 1: my wife. And my wife says she wants to go
Speaker 1: on the girl's retreat with her girls and they go
Speaker 1: be going for two or three days. My first door
Speaker 1: processes or she out somebody, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But if I say yo, me and Trinity to guy's
Speaker 1: going out, the first thing women typically think is, oh,
Speaker 1: they're going to Brazil to go bitches. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying. And I think a lot of women need
Speaker 1: to realize that it's not always the case. But that's
Speaker 1: also conditioned. Like so so we first of all, no
Speaker 1: one conditions our programs as we condition and program ourselves, right,
Speaker 1: and we do that for ways of wanting to be accepted, validated,
Speaker 1: all those things. Right. So the way that we've conditioned
Speaker 1: ourselves is we actually think a lot of what is
Speaker 1: actually misalignments are the way that masks and and and
Speaker 1: and feminine energy operate and how men and women are
Speaker 1: And it's actually not true. It's been perpetual misalignments played
Speaker 1: out over and over again. So like because when I
Speaker 1: with all the work I've done in all honesty, men
Speaker 1: and women want the exact same thing. I find there's
Speaker 1: different thought processes, different mechanics, and different things. And what's
Speaker 1: interesting is may I mentioned like the qualities are designed
Speaker 1: to work together, so is the frame of mind. So
Speaker 1: the minds are meant to explore. If you think like
Speaker 1: this with these details in this process and I think
Speaker 1: like this, you explore how it works together. It's not
Speaker 1: why don't you think the way I think? Or why
Speaker 1: don't you you know like or why don't you just
Speaker 1: been trying to get there. We've been trying to get
Speaker 1: there like a struggle. Bro. Like I'll sit here and
Speaker 1: think I'm being the most logical I can, and then
Speaker 1: I'd be like, hey, do you understand what I'm saying?
Speaker 1: And she'd be like, right, But that's because that's exactly that.
Speaker 1: But that's because you're approaching it from logic when the
Speaker 1: first thing that's got to be met at the feeling state,
Speaker 1: now this is this is not. This hasn't been as
Speaker 1: common right for everyone. So even if with the nature
Speaker 1: of like saying an apology, right, it's it's look, I
Speaker 1: can imagine you're feeling like this, right, and I gotta
Speaker 1: own I didn't quite communicate it. And I just want
Speaker 1: you to know that I'm I'm here with you and
Speaker 1: and you know, I'll make note of this. Right that
Speaker 1: there's a different capacity of presence when sharing it is
Speaker 1: not And this this is absolutely on on on men,
Speaker 1: but it's a lack of awareness whenever. If if your
Speaker 1: wife is upset that you shrink, retreat or walk on
Speaker 1: eggshells or get quiet, that conditions that process too, so
Speaker 1: then then there's less consideration of you. In a lot
Speaker 1: of other spaces, invitation is actually to open up further
Speaker 1: with more of your presence to be there. That goes, Okay,
Speaker 1: what are you feeling right now? Right, Like, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: cut you off though, because you're not married. Huh. But
Speaker 1: when you do try that, then you get hit with
Speaker 1: them shrinking and then being like you're being too aggressive
Speaker 1: or you're being insensitive and I'm just giving your devil's
Speaker 1: advocate because I've tried both. But you you can say
Speaker 1: you try, but I have no idea what you've done,
Speaker 1: and that that's not like you don't know what it
Speaker 1: may look like, right, because because assertiveness and aggressiveness is
Speaker 1: a healthy thing in a way that it's approached, it's
Speaker 1: not dominance or conquering. Those are misalignments, right, So it's
Speaker 1: a The approach I'm talking about isn't just like being
Speaker 1: like anybody like taking control situation, right. Command is different.
Speaker 1: When you live in command, it's led by the heart
Speaker 1: first and your mind follows. But what you're doing is
Speaker 1: knowing how to be in connection. And that's the key piece.
Speaker 1: And for all the couples I work with when it
Speaker 1: when it came to their relationship about beyond the verge
Speaker 1: of falling apart, and this is marriage or just you know,
Speaker 1: together when it was about to fall apart. It's literally
Speaker 1: two adjustments about communication, command and surround under and presence,
Speaker 1: and everything shifts where and then for some people being
Speaker 1: able to do that actually revealed it isn't healthy for
Speaker 1: them to be together, right, And so either way you
Speaker 1: want that. But the space of sticking it out in commitment,
Speaker 1: which is really important, and the fact and what with
Speaker 1: what you guys have done. The invitation isn't just like
Speaker 1: why I did that it didn't work. It's just like children,
Speaker 1: right if you do if you say one thing to
Speaker 1: a child, they're the support. Is it stays consistent? Right,
Speaker 1: Like for instance, if you let your child know, hey,
Speaker 1: it's okay you can tell me talk to me about
Speaker 1: literally anything, and I'm here with you. And the first
Speaker 1: time they do, you're with that. They'll go okay, cool.
Speaker 1: But the next time they do, you judge what they're
Speaker 1: what they're telling you, They're like, cool, I'm not safe
Speaker 1: to do that. And then and now you have to
Speaker 1: continue to establish the concerning that. So the same thing
Speaker 1: in relationship, this is something you haven't done in a
Speaker 1: relationship before, then it's going to be the invitation of consistency.
Speaker 1: But you said, you said men are the divine mastering
Speaker 1: in its consistency. That's not divine feminine, No, fluid, fluidity
Speaker 1: is the feminine you know, all life not because right, So,
Speaker 1: and that's that's also why that's also why don't don't
Speaker 1: go over that we need to go that's actually important
Speaker 1: steadiness and fluidity, right, And that's actually where flow lives.
Speaker 1: So when we talk about being in a flow state,
Speaker 1: it's but what that what that means is though, is
Speaker 1: is because feminine is in the emotional space and the
Speaker 1: sensuality of life, to experience it in its richness and fullness.
Speaker 1: The masculine is the thing that keeps that moving into
Speaker 1: greater expressions. So when if we're tuned into like divine
Speaker 1: mask and embodiment, that means we live on wanting to
Speaker 1: continually meet the edge of life, like where else can
Speaker 1: we grow? Where? Understand that? So then but then in
Speaker 1: that when we talk about steadiness, what matters to men
Speaker 1: into the masculine space, and this is what the feminine
Speaker 1: wants in masculine is is two things. Right that there's
Speaker 1: there's the steady devotion to something greater, which is um
Speaker 1: and it's being true to your word. Integrity, that's what
Speaker 1: that's what the feminine wants, that's what masculine respects. So like,
Speaker 1: if you and if of us are rocking and I
Speaker 1: don't never keep my word right, you're gonna like respect
Speaker 1: me and consider get that what the masculine one, because
Speaker 1: that's what we're trying to get across our wives. Because
Speaker 1: I don't know how to express that. Maybe you can
Speaker 1: do a better job. And we have a lot of
Speaker 1: women who listen, you're asking because here's here's one of
Speaker 1: the here's one of the biggest misalignments in the feminine.
Speaker 1: And and then and we'll go into the why this is,
Speaker 1: but we'll go into the feminine to the female. Right, So,
Speaker 1: when women or anyone feminine lead thinks that talking ship
Speaker 1: to you is the best course of action to get
Speaker 1: you to change or to clean stuff up or tighten up,
Speaker 1: it's such a misconception. Right, A little encouragement goes a
Speaker 1: and so, and what that means is the willingness to say, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm here with you. I understand you're you're you're you're
Speaker 1: going through some stuff, right, and I can be with
Speaker 1: you in this and this is so for all the
Speaker 1: women listening, it's so important that you hear this all right,
Speaker 1: you will never talk shipped to someone and get the
Speaker 1: best out of That's true, right, That's what it is,
Speaker 1: that that nurturing aspect. There's something greater in you, and
Speaker 1: I know you're going through something and I'm here with
Speaker 1: you and I support you and we'll get through this.
Speaker 1: That masking taking. The reason why the reason why I
Speaker 1: asked that though, was because in all of these talks
Speaker 1: people doing about relationships, all the accountability seems to be
Speaker 1: on men. Men need to change this, Men need to
Speaker 1: do this, We need to do that, as if there's
Speaker 1: only one person in the relationship. And if you speak
Speaker 1: on what women need to do, they say, I'm tired
Speaker 1: of hearing men tell women what they need to do,
Speaker 1: because realistically it has nothing to do with how you
Speaker 1: dress or what you do. It's all about synergies and alignment.
Speaker 1: But that what you talked about, when you speak empowerment
Speaker 1: into someone, especially for a man, helps out. That's I mean,
Speaker 1: that's whole character on sisters is the fact that Karen
Speaker 1: didn't speak anything positive into him and Fatima did, and
Speaker 1: that's like the whole man. And the thing is, if
Speaker 1: you hear the arguments amongst the women, it's that ship
Speaker 1: don't matter because they're like, no, it does matter exactly.
Speaker 1: Team I did was speak positively, and the same thing
Speaker 1: with Aaron speaking to Karen, because Zach was toxic as hell,
Speaker 1: right so when he was but I mean, rather than
Speaker 1: trying to find a way to interact with Karen, all
Speaker 1: he did would just throw back at her exactly. He
Speaker 1: threw knives and throw spikes back at her. Whereas opposed
Speaker 1: to Aaron, who came in and was like, I'll receive
Speaker 1: all the negativity you trying to give me, but I'm
Speaker 1: going to try to turn that stay in alignment and
Speaker 1: give you something different. And I think that's what we're seeing.
Speaker 1: And that's and so and and everything I do like
Speaker 1: in creativehood, and I get invited to women's circles to
Speaker 1: share like and I'll break things down in a lot
Speaker 1: of different ways that even women haven't known as much.
Speaker 1: And it's not the idea of like a man telling
Speaker 1: anyone anything. For me, in my practice, the whole guidances
Speaker 1: there's something more in everyone and my invitation, my the
Speaker 1: reason why I get called the work is to bring
Speaker 1: that forward and everyone, because to me, it's not just
Speaker 1: about having a healthy relationship, it's about evolving what it
Speaker 1: means to have a healthy relationship and what it standards
Speaker 1: of humanity. So when I when I share the stuff,
Speaker 1: it is everyone is responsible for themselves. Nobody gets a past, nobody.
Speaker 1: I like that. But before we keep going, because I
Speaker 1: know we gotta take a break, we gotta we gotta
Speaker 1: get to listener letters. But before we get going, I
Speaker 1: want we have a couple of letters. I know I've
Speaker 1: read a ready that I know I'm really good. I
Speaker 1: want to hear both of these perspectives on this. But
Speaker 1: we gotta pay some bills. So we'll be right back.
Speaker 1: After we pay these bills, and we'll get to these
Speaker 1: listener letters, and we're back. Kevin is singing. He's in
Speaker 1: his element when in the middle of takes, when we're
Speaker 1: on set. This is what Kevin is doing. He's he's
Speaker 1: therapizing everybody. I know that's not a word. I just
Speaker 1: made it up, but he's everybody's therapist. So he's therapizing everybody,
Speaker 1: all right. So what we've decided to do because Trinity
Speaker 1: and I have been trying to give him examples of
Speaker 1: what we go through in our marriage, and Kevin has
Speaker 1: been over here, you know a very piece of tell
Speaker 1: us no brother, no, no brother. That's what you gotta do.
Speaker 1: So rather than doing the traditional listener letters, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: let Trinity ask a question and then you can answer
Speaker 1: the question. And then I know I don't got no
Speaker 1: advice for you because I'll be struggling to I'm gonna
Speaker 1: let you answer the question. Then I have a question
Speaker 1: and I'm let you answer the question. Go ahead, okay. So,
Speaker 1: like what we were saying is um one thing that
Speaker 1: me and my wife has started doing that we didn't
Speaker 1: do in the past is learning to respect each other's
Speaker 1: time of expression. You know, early on, when we would
Speaker 1: have disagreements or arguments and we would come to one
Speaker 1: another and express how we were feeling and the thoughts
Speaker 1: we were having, we would well, two years ago, you
Speaker 1: did this, So how can you feel like this now?
Speaker 1: Or whatever? She would take her Yes, and it was
Speaker 1: your time, yes exactly. And so what I've learned to
Speaker 1: start saying is you know, hey, we've resolved that you
Speaker 1: had your time. I gave you your time. I respected
Speaker 1: your time of expression, and we got through it, which
Speaker 1: is why we're still here and still together today. So
Speaker 1: what I need you to do is respect my time
Speaker 1: of expression when I'm letting you know my thoughts and
Speaker 1: my feelings, and not bring back something that we've already
Speaker 1: worked through to counteract what I'm telling you. Now, how
Speaker 1: does she receive that? She received it well, and it's
Speaker 1: something that we've been using and it's made things go
Speaker 1: a whole lot smoother than they used to. You know,
Speaker 1: there were times initially would she would jump or revert
Speaker 1: back to old ways of handling things. Well, this is
Speaker 1: how I felt to five ten years ago. But now
Speaker 1: that she's kind of I don't know what the right
Speaker 1: word to use is, but she's she's kind of called
Speaker 1: on to this way of doing. How much better things
Speaker 1: go when there is that respect for each other's time
Speaker 1: of expression. And so that's something that's helped us out.
Speaker 1: And what what people need to realize is marriage is
Speaker 1: constant change, is constant growth. And the person you married
Speaker 1: one year ago, five year tenures, they're not the same
Speaker 1: as they were back then, and so there has to
Speaker 1: be a constant state of adaptability. You have to be
Speaker 1: able to adapt with your partners growth in order for
Speaker 1: things to stay on course, so we start using different
Speaker 1: ways to resolve different issues. And so why why do
Speaker 1: you think that is that whenever there's a situation where
Speaker 1: we're trying to express ourselves, we're not really looking to
Speaker 1: resolve the issue. We're looking to kind of CounterPunch. What's
Speaker 1: you're saying that's something your wife does too, Because whenever
Speaker 1: I express my feelings, I feel like my wife don't
Speaker 1: be listening to me. She'd just be staring at me
Speaker 1: until I'm done, because she in her mind, she'd be like,
Speaker 1: as soon as he's done, I'm gonna say this. Like
Speaker 1: it's like she's not actively listening. She's waiting until I
Speaker 1: throw my punch, until she has a clear shot to
Speaker 1: knock my ass out exactly. It's like she's she's biting
Speaker 1: up lip and she's got that fist back and she's like,
Speaker 1: as soon as he misses it, lights out. So is
Speaker 1: that like is that part like what is is that
Speaker 1: part of the feminine or that? So that's yeah, that's
Speaker 1: a really important pattern to acknowledge and shift through. So
Speaker 1: whenever whenever someone that there's a thing that drives everybody
Speaker 1: in a human experience, right, I call it the two
Speaker 1: generating appeals of operation. But to just be super specific,
Speaker 1: there's two things that everyone wants to feel, and if
Speaker 1: you're living from a healthy, centered place, you'll all you
Speaker 1: always feel them automatically, and your approach to life is
Speaker 1: far different. When you don't feel these two things, everything
Speaker 1: in your life is dedicating to wanting to get them,
Speaker 1: and it's never the actual real thing. And that's where
Speaker 1: and so what this is is is safety and significance. Right,
Speaker 1: safety and significance. This drives everything so that the two
Speaker 1: generating appeals, they generate what appeals to how we approach
Speaker 1: our lives. So if I don't feel safe and significant
Speaker 1: within my being, all I'm interested in my priority of
Speaker 1: focus comfort and validation. Comfort and validation, comfort, validation. When
Speaker 1: I feel safe and significant, what I'm what I'm after,
Speaker 1: growth and liberation. All I want to do is meet
Speaker 1: more of myself, expanding more life has to offer and
Speaker 1: be fully expressed. So then when you're not feeling safe
Speaker 1: and significant, that means that there's certain experiences you have
Speaker 1: where if you don't know how to identify your emotion
Speaker 1: and process it, you don't feel your actual state of power,
Speaker 1: and you feel powerless, and that's what happens in arguments,
Speaker 1: and in arguments, nobody's ever telling the truth. In the argument,
Speaker 1: you just want to win. You just want to feel
Speaker 1: more powerful again. Or if you feel like someone has
Speaker 1: command of the space and you want command because you
Speaker 1: don't feel strong, and that's and that's what happens in
Speaker 1: the battle, because people start wanting to be right rather
Speaker 1: than stay in connection. And so in in what training expressed,
Speaker 1: what was really dope in your expression is training? These
Speaker 1: example actually goes to the command surrender relationship of mass
Speaker 1: and of feminine right and command of surrender is not
Speaker 1: the same as control of submission. Command. Command means that
Speaker 1: you are centered with energy and you know how to
Speaker 1: direct it purposefully. Surrender means you allow the energy to
Speaker 1: flow as it is. Surrender represents the feminine aspect, Command
Speaker 1: represents the masculine. Or you know you're gonna hand some
Speaker 1: beef with debt, surrend submit and so here right, So
Speaker 1: here's the difference control and submission. Control is I don't
Speaker 1: feel saying significant, So I want to make things the
Speaker 1: way I want them to be, So hopefully maybe I'll
Speaker 1: feel like I have a grasp of my life. It's
Speaker 1: a misalignment because you won't. It's not how that works.
Speaker 1: No one ever controls anything that happens. And that's and
Speaker 1: that's that's the battle of the argument. Someone wants control.
Speaker 1: What happens, though, is if you don't get control and
Speaker 1: that's not working, right, which is that validation sense, you
Speaker 1: start going into submission. But submission, which is different than surrender,
Speaker 1: is now you acquiesce, right, whatever I didn't want to
Speaker 1: do with it anyway, or find whatever you want, or
Speaker 1: any any form of shutting off. That's submission, right. So
Speaker 1: that's and that's control and submission. So what happens is
Speaker 1: when you're in command and surrender, right, and they're not
Speaker 1: separate like you you the only way to be in
Speaker 1: surrender is to be in command, and the only way
Speaker 1: to be in command is being surrenderous. What that means
Speaker 1: is you're not looking to control anything. You are in
Speaker 1: command of the energy that is you what you do
Speaker 1: with your attention, where you direct your choices and actions
Speaker 1: and you allow things to unfold as necessary to receive
Speaker 1: information to make more moves. So, but the only way
Speaker 1: this works with a couple is if both people are
Speaker 1: constantly trying to be in a state of command, so
Speaker 1: they can openly here right. Well yeah, well not just
Speaker 1: the command there there yet you are constantly willing to
Speaker 1: meet each other in the principle of command surrender because
Speaker 1: there's gonna be time for you you have to But
Speaker 1: but but again, surrender is not happening without command if
Speaker 1: you're surrendering in submission. Right, So like for for what you,
Speaker 1: Trinity expressed hissibility to say, listen you, this is my
Speaker 1: time to share. Right. He's not. He's not. He's not
Speaker 1: downplaying her, he's not putting it down. He's not being like,
Speaker 1: you'll never listen to me, right, that's all bullshit. He's saying,
Speaker 1: this is my time to express my feelings. That is,
Speaker 1: I'm here, like i'm here, right, And then she goes, oh,
Speaker 1: now now there's a new space of awareness and so
Speaker 1: then she surrenders to that space and ghostly thank you
Speaker 1: for that. Okay, should be clear, surrender is not submission.
Speaker 1: That right, if they into it, but that's usually because
Speaker 1: they submit more than they command their lives. Shots. But
Speaker 1: we'll get we'll work on that. We'll work. That's why
Speaker 1: right here, come holl at me. I'll take you on
Speaker 1: a journey will destroy your life. So but what's dope
Speaker 1: about it is is because what happens with command and surrenders,
Speaker 1: it's in consideration of everything. And that's what actually authenticity is.
Speaker 1: Authenticity is I'm gonna be in this honest expression while
Speaker 1: being considerate of you and your feelings because we're in
Speaker 1: this together. Honesty is just this is how I feel
Speaker 1: right now. But and so you have to have honestly
Speaker 1: in authenticity, but authenticity is far greater. So when you're
Speaker 1: living in authenticity, you choose connection over being right. So
Speaker 1: in in Trinity's case, what he expressed was I in
Speaker 1: this moment, like underneath that statement because he's not attacking her,
Speaker 1: he's saying, right now, I want to be in connection
Speaker 1: with you, and it's important that you hear what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And that's why it works exactly because then she'll receive
Speaker 1: that in a feeling state and go, I understand that
Speaker 1: why because she wants the same thing. Right. But if
Speaker 1: you're not used to doing that, you're gonna go to
Speaker 1: whatever your initial reaction is. So if the initial reaction
Speaker 1: was I'll bring up to sing in the past because
Speaker 1: in feminine states of if I feel this every memory
Speaker 1: linked to this feeling, I'm gonna reach because I want
Speaker 1: to feel more powerful. That's the argument space, right, Like
Speaker 1: I want to just win a win the situation, which
Speaker 1: is also why if you get caught up in that
Speaker 1: as a as a man, you will lose or masculine
Speaker 1: lead because this also applies to the the same sex relationships,
Speaker 1: but the masking lead, you'll lose that every time, right,
Speaker 1: because the feminine space all it wants is to feel differently.
Speaker 1: But what happens is if that feeling gets met. So
Speaker 1: if Trinity is like, listen, this is I'm with you,
Speaker 1: and this is my chance, and this is my opportunity
Speaker 1: to express my feelings, and it's important that you hear me,
Speaker 1: she'll her system will ease and go, Okay, he's with
Speaker 1: me and he's actually opening his heart and he wants
Speaker 1: to be met, which is different. Then why don't you
Speaker 1: just shut up and listen to me? So that changes
Speaker 1: the whole dynamics, right, And if you do that in completely,
Speaker 1: that becomes the standard of the relationships that don't do
Speaker 1: that enough, it doesn't meet the standard, and then you're
Speaker 1: gonna be and for all the time. See that that
Speaker 1: goes to what well. I had another listener letter ready
Speaker 1: that the person wanted to remain anonymous, But he was
Speaker 1: talking about how he grew up differently communicating with his
Speaker 1: siblings and his parents than his significant other, and because
Speaker 1: they grew up completely communicating completely differently, when they tried
Speaker 1: to have conversations, it was like oil and water, and
Speaker 1: I mean Codeine and I were very, very similar because
Speaker 1: kdein growing up her householdn't communicate well. Everybody swept stuff
Speaker 1: under the rug and they were quiet and they just
Speaker 1: let things harbor. In my household, we had family caucuses
Speaker 1: where my my family came My parents came down and said,
Speaker 1: you can express how you feel now. Once I expressed
Speaker 1: how I feel, and if it ever went against my
Speaker 1: parents thought, I was considered the wild child. So it
Speaker 1: wasn't really a family cause it was it was as
Speaker 1: a dictator ship, you know, disguised as a caucus where
Speaker 1: they just wanted to tell me exactly what they wanted
Speaker 1: me to do. But because we even had those, I
Speaker 1: always like to approach things head on. So when we
Speaker 1: have a cover station, I'm like, can you let's talk
Speaker 1: about this, And in her mom she's just like, I
Speaker 1: feel attacked, right, so you know, so listening to you
Speaker 1: talk about that, giving her her time to say, let's
Speaker 1: only discuss what's bothering you, and giving her her space
Speaker 1: will help with alignment because now I'm surrendering to what
Speaker 1: she feels, and now she will be able to express
Speaker 1: how she feels in totality, and this time is only
Speaker 1: dedicated to her with hopes that when it's my turn
Speaker 1: it can be reciprocated, not with hopes with the absolute
Speaker 1: standard that it will be reciprocated. It will have to
Speaker 1: be for you, for both of you, because because it's
Speaker 1: not like life, especially physical reality isn't about fairness right
Speaker 1: first and foremost, it's about awareness and choice. So when
Speaker 1: you are more aware, what do you do with that information?
Speaker 1: So in Trinity's case, where he expressed that his wife
Speaker 1: is now more aware of what he's expressing and then
Speaker 1: her choice is to meet that why because she cares
Speaker 1: about the relationship. She cares about their connection, she cares
Speaker 1: about the dynamic and their family. And if you know
Speaker 1: your wife's because if you have a wife that doesn't
Speaker 1: care about that, that relationship is over right. Why that like,
Speaker 1: that's that's done. See, that's a big. That's an even
Speaker 1: bigger statement. If you're dealing with someone who you know
Speaker 1: is not concerned with being of service to you, then
Speaker 1: there's no reason to even be ex and then you'd
Speaker 1: have to check in with why you chose that. That's
Speaker 1: another thing to do it right. So so then in
Speaker 1: this case when when it's too different, because because it's
Speaker 1: the case for everyone, right, like everyone's brought up and
Speaker 1: they condition themselves, they have patterns, ways that communicate is
Speaker 1: where their family base and that's and now you're meeting
Speaker 1: people and sometimes it's similar, sometimes it's different. The space
Speaker 1: where everyone meets is if you're willing to choose two
Speaker 1: things connection, right, I want to be in connection with
Speaker 1: you as we communicate, and you don't necessarily to say that,
Speaker 1: you can show that. And then the other part is
Speaker 1: always being in curiosity and wonderment. And that's who you
Speaker 1: talk about where everyone is constantly growing, involving whether you're
Speaker 1: in a in a marriage or not, you're gonna keep
Speaker 1: growing and evolving. The thing to remember in the marriage
Speaker 1: is that is still happening because you're two sovereign beings
Speaker 1: and that has to be an important aspect. That's that's
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let you finish because we've got a moment
Speaker 1: of truth. So I don't want you to finish because
Speaker 1: that sounds like a moment of truth. You actually just
Speaker 1: gave me my moment of truth. So let me just
Speaker 1: let me get this out. If you'd like to be featured,
Speaker 1: because that was a very unconventional listener letter, but I appreciate,
Speaker 1: I appreciate your experience, your perspective. I appreciate yours. And
Speaker 1: if you'd like to be featured as one of our
Speaker 1: listener letters, email us at dead as Advice at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. That's D E A D A S S
Speaker 1: A D V I C E at gmail dot com. So, gentlemen, now,
Speaker 1: now was the moment of truth, right, And in a
Speaker 1: moment of truth we kind of pull it all together.
Speaker 1: Today we were talking about men feeling like they're Superman
Speaker 1: and trying to find an outlet or find a way
Speaker 1: to communicate better with their significant others so that they
Speaker 1: don't implode or explode. Right. Um, I got a lot
Speaker 1: of nuggets in gems today listening to both of you,
Speaker 1: and I know what my moment of truth is. I
Speaker 1: would like you all to go first, if you want
Speaker 1: me to go first. I'll go first. I'd love to
Speaker 1: hear what you got, mat So, my my moment of
Speaker 1: truth is this, and you really literally just said it.
Speaker 1: As a man, when you choose to be married, that's
Speaker 1: a choice you make, right, you also have to take
Speaker 1: ownership of who who you chose to be married to.
Speaker 1: And if you find yourself in a constant state of
Speaker 1: disagreement um, a state of depression, a state of not
Speaker 1: being aware of where you are because that person just
Speaker 1: doesn't seem to be as willing to serve as much
Speaker 1: as you are, you have to then ask yourself, why
Speaker 1: did I choose this person to get married to? If
Speaker 1: you constantly feel taken for granted, if you constantly feel
Speaker 1: like you're forgotten, you can't always blame the person. You
Speaker 1: have to start to look within, look at yourself and
Speaker 1: say how did I get here? Why did I choose
Speaker 1: to be here? And that's my moment of truth? Um.
Speaker 1: As a guy who claims to be superman at times,
Speaker 1: I'm going to take accountability of this. I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: look at my wife and say why do you make
Speaker 1: me feel like this? I'm gonna look at myself and say,
Speaker 1: why do I feel this way, and it goes back
Speaker 1: to the choices I've made. Did I make because you're
Speaker 1: you're not married yet, and that's a choice you made
Speaker 1: right and you found peace in that. Did I make
Speaker 1: the right choice to be married? And if I made
Speaker 1: the right choice to be married, did I choose the
Speaker 1: right person to get married to? And I do feel
Speaker 1: good about that, like I love being right on, enjoy
Speaker 1: being married. These moments we have a foreign few in between,
Speaker 1: but they still happen. And I want other men to
Speaker 1: know that when you feel this way, you're not alone
Speaker 1: and it's not something that's gonna last forever. If you
Speaker 1: learn how to deal with it. That's my moment of truth,
Speaker 1: so beautiful for me, my moment of truth. I'm sticking
Speaker 1: with the whole Superman theme and being married and being
Speaker 1: married for for so long is just the realization that
Speaker 1: I don't have to be Superman. I married the right
Speaker 1: woman for me m and things aren't going to be perfect.
Speaker 1: And that's a realization that a lot of people don't.
Speaker 1: They don't understand. They feel like, Okay, I married this person,
Speaker 1: they should be perfect. To me. Everything she goes smoothly, smoothly,
Speaker 1: And if you have that perspective that Okay, now this
Speaker 1: person has to be perfect than that relationship or marriage
Speaker 1: or what have you is doom from the start, because
Speaker 1: that's an expectation that nobody can meet. But just because
Speaker 1: things aren't perfect don't mean they aren't great. And so
Speaker 1: for me realizing that I don't have to be Superman,
Speaker 1: that I married a woman who allows me to realize
Speaker 1: that that, Okay, if I'm not Superman, I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: fine because of the partner I chose to walk through
Speaker 1: life with. And so just to revert back to like
Speaker 1: I said, it's it's a lifetime commitment of trying. It's
Speaker 1: trying not always succeeding because you're gonna try things that
Speaker 1: aren't gonna work. And so it's kind of like you
Speaker 1: go through these trials and you'll get to a point
Speaker 1: over however many years that Okay, this works. Okay, that
Speaker 1: didn't work, This works, and that eliminates a lot of
Speaker 1: the things and a lot of issues and problems you
Speaker 1: had earlier on in the marriage. And so that's my
Speaker 1: moment of truth. You know, the person, you don't have
Speaker 1: to be superman if you got the right woman, that's yeah,
Speaker 1: And I love and and I would even go as
Speaker 1: far as to say, instead of trying, you're actually doing,
Speaker 1: and you're using the information of the results of your
Speaker 1: of what you're doing, like you're not even trying thing,
Speaker 1: you're literally doing it. And that's I just want to
Speaker 1: make sure that's honored. Because you're trying. That's the real thing.
Speaker 1: And so and I love what you said because and
Speaker 1: this can also be part of my moment moment of truth.
Speaker 1: And in something else I'll share on top of it
Speaker 1: is it's always gonna be about resilience, not perfection. Right,
Speaker 1: the structure of existence is perfect. All of that is
Speaker 1: handled on how things operate. But this game for us
Speaker 1: is we're constantly meeting new edges of ourselves. We're constantly
Speaker 1: growing into more, We're constantly discovering more of what it
Speaker 1: means to be um, to be a man, to be
Speaker 1: a woman, to be creative, to be healthy, to be
Speaker 1: all these things. And there's so much more to expand into.
Speaker 1: So along the way, will make decisions, you'll get different results.
Speaker 1: There will be plot twist, the will be university. But
Speaker 1: the whole point is that you continue to step forward
Speaker 1: and meet yourself. And so if you have a conversation
Speaker 1: and you don't you say something different than what you
Speaker 1: actually wanted to say. It's the opportunity with that awareness
Speaker 1: to be resilient enough to go slow me make this
Speaker 1: a jo you know what I mean. And that's that's
Speaker 1: always the game. It's it's with the information I receive,
Speaker 1: do I compound my choices because it is actually getting
Speaker 1: the results I'm looking for? Or do I make adjustments?
Speaker 1: So we keep looking where the synergy is, where the
Speaker 1: harmony is, where the health is, where the optimization is,
Speaker 1: and that space for us and this is for men
Speaker 1: and women. It's important. What I've seen the same things
Speaker 1: that make all relationships work, um communication, the ability honor
Speaker 1: everyone's sovereignty and be in having a shared resonance. The
Speaker 1: moment of shared residence changes, meaning that you're no longer
Speaker 1: on the same page, or that your direction of life
Speaker 1: is changing, so does the relationship dynamic. But even as
Speaker 1: you grow to share, residance can always remain. And that
Speaker 1: that is what I've seen as a really important key
Speaker 1: UM too amazing relationships because everyone's at some point, everyone
Speaker 1: has to own themselves fully. If it's absolutely at some point,
Speaker 1: everyone has to be considered the other person, because if
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship and you're only thinking about yourself,
Speaker 1: why are you there? Right, you're choosing to be in
Speaker 1: a dynamic with someone to be considerate of them, and
Speaker 1: that's absolutely invitation. But that what that means, though, is
Speaker 1: you said, and you said it perfectly. No one ever
Speaker 1: makes us feel anything. We choose how we feel in
Speaker 1: relation to how we're perceiving something, and so our ability
Speaker 1: to own that and go, listen, I feel like this,
Speaker 1: and I want to I want to have this moment
Speaker 1: to talk to you about it, and owning that, the
Speaker 1: space gets created for that to be received. And if
Speaker 1: you're with a partner that actually wants to own themselves
Speaker 1: and see the relationship thrive, they'll meet that. If they
Speaker 1: don't want to meet that, it's now a different conversation
Speaker 1: that see, But that's important for people to realize accountability
Speaker 1: is important. But if you realize your partner never wants
Speaker 1: to be accountable, that's a different conversation. Why are we
Speaker 1: even together if you're not even trying to be accountable
Speaker 1: for the things that you can change. If it's always
Speaker 1: me all the time, we need to have a different conversation.
Speaker 1: So fellas. One more thing, I don't know what it's
Speaker 1: on time. One more thing, moment of truth and this
Speaker 1: is for for men specifically. You must have an outlet
Speaker 1: of so report that is not you escaping so friends
Speaker 1: rather brother brotherhood, whatever. You gotta need to find a
Speaker 1: space that you can actually express yourself and be held
Speaker 1: in support and guided in a healthy way. Find it, like,
Speaker 1: open yourself up to it's out there. If you want
Speaker 1: to hit devot, hit me up, you know, like whatever
Speaker 1: you want to get there is important. There's there's avenues
Speaker 1: and support systems, and it is no longer. It's now
Speaker 1: fully aware that suppressing your emotions and running from them
Speaker 1: isn't the answer. It's not healthy and it's going to
Speaker 1: lead to all kinds of distoration of your life. So
Speaker 1: it's important to now like drop the guard and find
Speaker 1: a space where you can feel safe enough to be
Speaker 1: vulnerable and share. UM. That would be something else. I
Speaker 1: wanted to make sure this kids not keV. I appreciate you, Trinity,
Speaker 1: I appreciate you. Before we leave. Make sure you tell
Speaker 1: everybody what they could find you. What's your social media handles, websites,
Speaker 1: all that um Trinity white Side, Instagram, Trinity Underscore White Side,
Speaker 1: Twitter at he Man Underscore eighty two and Trinity white
Speaker 1: Side on Facebook as well. Appreciate you, um So, Kevin Walton.
Speaker 1: I'm at Source Radiance on Instagram, Source Radiance on YouTube,
Speaker 1: Soce Radiance on Twitter. His nicker name is Source Radiance.
Speaker 1: You know what type of alignment you have to have
Speaker 1: in your life to be a black man named Source
Speaker 1: Radiance on social media, I rock rock and every time
Speaker 1: I see you'd be smiling because you're not married. But
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just let that rock though you you deflected
Speaker 1: on it. But you're watching The Secrets to the Universe.
Speaker 1: You know you just got Yeah, I feel a complete opposite.
Speaker 1: Look if my wife is listening to watching, I didn't
Speaker 1: mean anything. I would just supposed to be our brotherhood,
Speaker 1: supposed to be the Brothers Circle. I was performing. If
Speaker 1: you need anything to eat, if you need me to
Speaker 1: break up, just text me. See brother he already built
Speaker 1: on this Brothers messed up. I'm stand on this block
Speaker 1: by myself. It's cold out here. That's why I'm the
Speaker 1: only one drinking see the gout water. But I got
Speaker 1: some Hendason here. You can be sure to find us
Speaker 1: on social Media at dead as the Podcast because d
Speaker 1: N I am y'all know her. That's my beautiful wife,
Speaker 1: and I am devout And if you're listening on Apple podcast,
Speaker 1: be sure to rate, review and subscribe and you know what,
Speaker 1: people we out. Dead as dead Ass is a production
Speaker 1: of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by
Speaker 1: the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media
Speaker 1: at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a thing