WEBVTT - Addiction in the LGBTQ+ Community 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:03.480 But We Loved is a production of iHeart Podcasts and 0:00:03.520 --> 0:00:09.440 The Outspoken podcast Network. This episode contains frank discussion on 0:00:09.520 --> 0:00:13.760 addiction and substance use disorder. If you or someone you 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:17.880 know is struggling with addiction, visit fine treatment dot gov. 0:00:18.280 --> 0:00:20.280 That's fine treatment dot Gov. 0:00:20.880 --> 0:00:26.040 Thank you. I was trying to hide feelings and emotions 0:00:26.079 --> 0:00:29.280 that I was feeling, and so if I could escape 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:31.760 from all of that for a minute, I would do 0:00:31.960 --> 0:00:37.440 just that. And so he let me hit it, and 0:00:37.479 --> 0:00:40.159 then and I hit it. He's talking me to inhale it, 0:00:40.200 --> 0:00:44.800 and I inhaled. I choked. But the way that I 0:00:44.920 --> 0:00:48.640 felt like I never thought that rushed before, and it 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:50.000 felt really good. 0:00:53.840 --> 0:00:56.720 As a gay kid, growing up religious and in the South, 0:00:57.480 --> 0:00:59.840 I thought being gay was the worst thing I could 0:00:59.840 --> 0:01:04.360 ever be. Now, as a journalist, I'm trying to unlearn 0:01:04.400 --> 0:01:08.360 that by seeking out our history, and what I've found 0:01:08.480 --> 0:01:13.920 are people and stories full of courage, perseverance, and love. 0:01:14.800 --> 0:01:19.080 In this episode, we'll meet Donald Flowers Junior, a man 0:01:19.280 --> 0:01:23.479 recovering from drug, alcohol, and sex addiction. Will learn how 0:01:23.520 --> 0:01:26.119 his identity as a gay man was at the root 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:29.160 of his addiction, and how coming to terms with that 0:01:29.920 --> 0:01:33.560 allowed him to begin a new chapter from my Heart podcast. 0:01:34.000 --> 0:02:04.440 I'm Jordan and Solve and this is what we loved. 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:11.720 Sometimes I feel like addiction is interwoven into queer life. 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:14.880 So many of the places that we express ourselves in, 0:02:14.960 --> 0:02:19.200 like nightclubs and art shows and concerts and even gay 0:02:19.280 --> 0:02:22.920 pride itself, are also some of the easiest places to 0:02:22.960 --> 0:02:28.480 find drugs and alcohol. With that wide availability, it can 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:33.600 be hard to decipher between what's normal and what's concerning. 0:02:34.600 --> 0:02:38.920 Many of us probably know someone who is impacted by addiction. 0:02:39.880 --> 0:02:43.680 According to the federal government, an estimated twenty to thirty 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:50.079 percent of the LGBTQ community abuses substances, and that's compared 0:02:50.160 --> 0:02:54.040 to just nine percent of the general population. For me, 0:02:55.360 --> 0:02:59.160 it's been mostly present in my dating life. When I 0:02:59.240 --> 0:03:01.720 was in my mid twenties, there was this guy that 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:04.800 I had a huge crush on. He seemed like he 0:03:04.840 --> 0:03:07.359 had everything going for him. He had a great job 0:03:07.440 --> 0:03:11.840 and good friends, and he was devilishly handsome with these long, 0:03:11.919 --> 0:03:15.560 curly eyelashes and these big arms, and he was super 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:19.200 sweet too. We had been getting to know each other 0:03:19.320 --> 0:03:22.560 for a couple months and he really liked me back, 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:25.800 and one night we went to my favorite bar to 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:28.000 meet my friends for the first time, and I was 0:03:28.080 --> 0:03:33.360 so excited. But within two hours he had become so 0:03:33.600 --> 0:03:38.040 drunk and high on cocaine that he kissed another man 0:03:38.080 --> 0:03:43.560 in front of me. I felt the trade and humiliated. 0:03:44.680 --> 0:03:46.800 The next day, I called him and I told him 0:03:46.800 --> 0:03:50.080 how hurt I was. He apologized and told me that 0:03:50.560 --> 0:03:53.680 he was addicted to alcohol and cocaine and he had 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:56.400 a relapse. He said the best thing I could do 0:03:56.480 --> 0:03:59.400 for myself was to cut contact with him, because he 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:03.120 didn't know when he would get better. My next guest, 0:04:03.160 --> 0:04:07.240 Donald Flowers Junior, is also a person with substance use disorder. 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:12.360 He was addicted to alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, crystal meth, and sex. 0:04:13.240 --> 0:04:18.599 His addiction would test his relationship and his health. He 0:04:18.680 --> 0:04:20.960 grew up in a rural part of Texas in the 0:04:21.040 --> 0:04:24.200 nineteen seventies, and he learned from a young age that 0:04:24.320 --> 0:04:29.039 to be gay meant to be unlovable. He also learned 0:04:29.080 --> 0:04:31.760 at a young age that he could escape those feelings 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:41.040 through the use of substances. You grew up in Texas, 0:04:41.080 --> 0:04:41.800 right like me? 0:04:42.000 --> 0:04:47.680 Yeah, a low town called Gonzales, Texas. Population now I 0:04:47.720 --> 0:04:48.960 think four thousand people. 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:51.840 Oh, wow. So it was even less when you were 0:04:51.839 --> 0:04:52.480 growing up. 0:04:52.600 --> 0:04:55.080 It was it was less a lot less. It might 0:04:55.120 --> 0:04:55.520 have been. 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:58.240 Two thousand and you grew up in the church, right. 0:04:58.360 --> 0:05:02.800 I grew up in church, the Southern Baptist. By the 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:09.279 time I reached eleven twelve thirteen, going through puberty and adolescens, 0:05:09.480 --> 0:05:12.360 I started to notice that I had a knack for singing. 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:13.520 Because I have a voice. 0:05:14.279 --> 0:05:19.880 Yeah, And in the Black Church there's this thing that's 0:05:20.000 --> 0:05:25.040 called catching the spirit, and catching the spirit is mean people. 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:28.360 Sometimes you see people jumping up and down and they 0:05:28.400 --> 0:05:33.280 get happy, become so powerful that it takes over into 0:05:33.320 --> 0:05:38.159 the room. And at that point everyone knows that God 0:05:38.240 --> 0:05:41.840 has shown up and he entered the room. And I 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:44.680 knew from thirteen fourteen that I had a knack for 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:49.880 singing because people would actually approach me after service and 0:05:50.000 --> 0:05:52.800 tell me that I touched the spirit or I made 0:05:52.880 --> 0:05:56.840 people cry, or they felt what I was delivering. I 0:05:56.839 --> 0:05:59.479 remember one time when I was a kid, there was 0:05:59.480 --> 0:06:03.600 a song called I Don't Feel No Ways Tired. A 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:07.600 lot of the people was like passing out saying hallelujah, 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:11.080 wow seeing Donnie. So I would hear my name being 0:06:11.160 --> 0:06:14.760 called and I like the way that it made me feel. 0:06:15.000 --> 0:06:18.359 It made me feel special. But I grew up with 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:23.600 a pastor that constantly said that if you were gay, 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:25.960 you were in an abomination. If you was gay, it 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:28.440 was going to hell. If you was gay, there's no 0:06:28.520 --> 0:06:29.800 place in the kingdom for you. 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:35.039 When did you know that you were gay? 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:43.800 Fabb As early as ten eleven or twelve, I used 0:06:43.800 --> 0:06:49.920 to read Halloquin romance novels at twelve and also too. 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:54.120 Fabio was always on recover and he had the nicest 0:06:54.200 --> 0:06:57.839 body and like the the long hair, a nice face 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:02.800 and a nice body, and I would envision myself with 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:04.560 guys that look like that. 0:07:05.160 --> 0:07:08.240 He's basically on the cover of like all of these 0:07:08.480 --> 0:07:12.920 romance novels exactly. So tell me about what it was 0:07:12.960 --> 0:07:16.360 like being gay in Gonzalez, Texas. It sounds like a 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:18.640 really small town. 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:23.000 It's a very small town. Being gay in that little 0:07:23.040 --> 0:07:27.280 town was not was not easy for me. It's a 0:07:27.320 --> 0:07:33.400 little town for a country country southern people with with 0:07:33.600 --> 0:07:37.560 people that they had farms and they had animals. They 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:42.560 would raise pigs and hogs and horses, and that is 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:45.800 that is that kind of town. Probably when I was fourteen, 0:07:45.840 --> 0:07:48.480 I guess there was like, there was this guy that 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:52.600 I used to like, and so we were playing somewhere 0:07:52.640 --> 0:07:55.559 in a field and I knowed there was a barn 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:58.360 not too far, so we went, It's out that barn 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:02.960 that barn, and we food around and the horses present 0:08:04.040 --> 0:08:07.960 that kept making noises and looking at us as people 0:08:07.960 --> 0:08:09.920 were doing what we were doing. It was actually fun, 0:08:10.640 --> 0:08:13.560 but we were so into each other we kind of 0:08:13.720 --> 0:08:15.240 ignored ignored the horses. 0:08:15.400 --> 0:08:19.160 But that's kind of what Gonzales, Texas was like. Yes, 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:22.560 what were some of the messages that you were getting 0:08:23.280 --> 0:08:27.480 about gay people at that time? Growing up in the 0:08:27.520 --> 0:08:32.400 seventies and eighties in Gonzalez, Sexes, The messages. 0:08:31.840 --> 0:08:37.440 That I received about being gay were very, very harsh, 0:08:37.840 --> 0:08:41.800 very nasty, very negative. I had to deal with with 0:08:42.000 --> 0:08:47.520 people that was so closed minded. I experienced a lot 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:51.960 of bullying school. I was bullied like to the tenth 0:08:51.960 --> 0:08:55.760 flower because of my sexuality. I remember one time there 0:08:55.800 --> 0:08:59.280 was this guy. Every time he saw me, he would 0:08:59.400 --> 0:09:02.720 hit me like extremely hard, hit me in my back 0:09:02.760 --> 0:09:06.880 with his fist, hit me in my face, hit me 0:09:06.920 --> 0:09:09.600 in my chest, and he would always do it around 0:09:09.600 --> 0:09:12.760 other people to get them to laugh. I quit school 0:09:12.760 --> 0:09:15.400 when I was sixteen, I quit school because I got 0:09:15.440 --> 0:09:17.880 so tired of being bullied for. 0:09:17.880 --> 0:09:19.840 Being gay, for being gay. Wow. 0:09:20.040 --> 0:09:23.160 And then at home, I didn't get a break. My 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.199 mother was always telling me stop looking like that, stop 0:09:26.240 --> 0:09:29.400 standing like that, asking like with girl, You're not a girl, 0:09:29.520 --> 0:09:33.080 You're a boy. She was always saying that to me, 0:09:33.840 --> 0:09:38.520 like every single day, and so I just felt like 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:40.920 I was a mistake. I used to feel like I 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:41.560 was a mistake. 0:09:42.480 --> 0:09:45.640 Tell me about the kind of bullying at home. What 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:48.400 was it like, kind of growing up as a gay 0:09:48.480 --> 0:09:49.320 kid in your family. 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:55.320 It wasn't easy because when I was younger, I was feminine, 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:58.800 and I played with dolls and anything that girls could do, 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:04.440 I could do it better. Cheerleading, dancing, and you name it, 0:10:04.480 --> 0:10:06.600 I could do it. And so my mother would get 0:10:06.720 --> 0:10:09.679 pissed off. She was always telling me, why you why 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:12.160 are you always playing with girls and our boys? I 0:10:12.280 --> 0:10:14.840 just I just got so tired of that. I was 0:10:14.920 --> 0:10:18.000 just being My mother was a bully one of my cousins. 0:10:18.640 --> 0:10:23.280 She was babysitting me, my brother and my two step 0:10:23.400 --> 0:10:31.400 cousins and and my female cousin. She called us like 0:10:31.480 --> 0:10:34.480 on top of each other, being on each other, and 0:10:34.559 --> 0:10:36.360 she was like, oh, in the morning, I'm gonna call 0:10:36.440 --> 0:10:39.400 y'all mother's And my mother flew up there in that car, 0:10:39.840 --> 0:10:41.840 and before we got in the car, she says to me, 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:43.960 she looks at me with her face off, frowned up, 0:10:44.360 --> 0:10:47.440 and she was like, I'm gonna whoop you. And she did. 0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:51.079 And that went on for years. 0:10:51.800 --> 0:10:58.199 So you were kind of experiencing all of this bullying 0:10:58.280 --> 0:11:02.960 from the church, from school. 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:05.920 And then my own mother, and I couldn't do anything 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:09.560 about it all for being just because I was being myself. 0:11:10.440 --> 0:11:14.720 I wonder, you know, how did all of these experiences 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:18.080 make you feel about yourself at that age? 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:22.200 It made my self esteeming extremely low. I felt really 0:11:22.200 --> 0:11:25.120 bad about myself. I even tried to commit suicide one time. 0:11:25.600 --> 0:11:28.160 I took a lot of medicine, and even in the 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:31.000 midst of that, the one thing my mother said, I'm 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:34.280 gonna whoop you. She never sat down, never tried to 0:11:34.600 --> 0:11:37.080 ask me, why are you doing the things you do? 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:41.240 Not asking questions, not trying to communicate with me, And 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:43.679 it was a straight up woman like beating. 0:11:44.240 --> 0:11:48.120 So you felt betrayed by your they portrayed by my mother. 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:55.840 Our episode is about addiction, So tell me now, what 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:59.959 was the first introduction that you had to addiction. 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:04.520 It started out with drinking, because my father has always 0:12:04.559 --> 0:12:07.520 been an alcoholic, and he still lives to this day. 0:12:08.280 --> 0:12:10.080 How old were you when you started drinking? 0:12:10.720 --> 0:12:15.880 Seventeen. I drunk this cheap voga with dr pepper, and 0:12:16.160 --> 0:12:19.120 I got so drunk. I was with two friends and 0:12:19.160 --> 0:12:22.360 they had to walk me to my mother's my mom 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:25.240 and dad's house, to the door and knocking the door, 0:12:25.880 --> 0:12:28.120 and I was standing at about the fall because I 0:12:28.120 --> 0:12:31.320 had gotten so drunk. And so when I woke up 0:12:31.360 --> 0:12:35.560 the next morning, my mom was complaining, Oh, your friends 0:12:35.640 --> 0:12:38.040 they had to come and bring us to the door, 0:12:38.360 --> 0:12:41.040 and you were so drunk. And my mother was like, 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:43.880 your father's already an alcoholic, and I'm not gonna be 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:45.960 tolerating that out of another person. 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:50.000 So even in that moment, you didn't feel protected by 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:50.560 your family. 0:12:50.679 --> 0:12:52.559 I did not, not, not at all. 0:12:53.640 --> 0:12:56.200 When was the moment you realized you had a drinking problem. 0:12:57.000 --> 0:13:00.080 Probably not till I turned twenty one. I lived in 0:13:00.080 --> 0:13:04.000 New Orleans and I became friends with two brothers, and 0:13:04.120 --> 0:13:07.280 the oldest brother said it to me one day. He 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:09.400 said it in anger, but he was suddenly saying it 0:13:09.480 --> 0:13:12.680 for a reason. He said, Donald, you're not alcoholic. 0:13:13.520 --> 0:13:16.079 How often were you drinking? It? 0:13:16.240 --> 0:13:19.280 Miss me any chances I got. The early morning drinking 0:13:19.480 --> 0:13:21.880 happened like years later, but it did get to the 0:13:21.880 --> 0:13:24.520 point where I was drinking early in the morning. And 0:13:24.200 --> 0:13:26.920 if I didn't have a schedule like work or anything, 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:30.200 that's when I would really indulge. If I had nothing 0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:33.560 else to do, I would just go buy something to 0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:37.240 drink and get drunk. And I can see it now. 0:13:37.679 --> 0:13:41.040 The drinking was so bad because I was trying to 0:13:41.280 --> 0:13:44.760 trying to hide feelings and emotions that I was feeling. 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:48.120 And so if I could escape from all of that 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:50.040 for a minute, I would do just that. 0:13:50.880 --> 0:13:53.720 What were the feelings that you were feeling now? 0:13:53.880 --> 0:13:57.240 Feeling like I deserved anything? I didn't feel worthy. It 0:13:57.280 --> 0:13:59.079 was I just felt useless. 0:13:59.760 --> 0:14:02.559 So did the addiction stop with alcohol? 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:07.120 No. When I moved to New York in March thirtieth, 0:14:07.400 --> 0:14:11.679 nineteen ninety eight, that's when I was living with someone 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:16.400 in Harlem and I got introduced to marijuana. Tell me 0:14:16.440 --> 0:14:20.480 that story, Well, he had roast, he had rose to 0:14:20.560 --> 0:14:24.200 marijuana up in rolling papers. He asked me, did I 0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:27.400 want to do it? I said, yeah, so have you 0:14:27.480 --> 0:14:30.720 ever seen it before. I had seen marijuana before, I 0:14:30.840 --> 0:14:36.520 never dried it, and so he let me hit it. 0:14:36.520 --> 0:14:38.840 And then when I hit it, he told me to 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:43.600 inhale it, and I inhaled. I choked. But the way 0:14:43.680 --> 0:14:47.040 that I felt like I never thought that rush before. 0:15:01.280 --> 0:15:05.200 Donald Flowers Junior had just taken his first hit of marijuana. 0:15:05.720 --> 0:15:08.400 In the moment, the weed and the alcohol were able 0:15:08.480 --> 0:15:12.760 to numb something in him, a pain. But of course 0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:16.280 the high would only last so long. At the height 0:15:16.320 --> 0:15:20.200 of his addiction, he would also find love and it 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:21.240 would change everything. 0:15:22.240 --> 0:15:24.600 Well, I was smoking, I felt good, but after the 0:15:24.680 --> 0:15:27.920 high came down, I felt like back to the drum board, 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:32.640 having to deal with life on life terms, not being 0:15:32.680 --> 0:15:37.160 able to escape or a high behind anything, because for me, 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:41.640 marijuana and liquor were just my escapes. 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:47.520 So you eventually do begin to do other drugs. What 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:50.160 was your introduction to those drugs? 0:15:50.440 --> 0:15:54.640 I met this other person, a guy, and he used 0:15:54.640 --> 0:15:58.080 to snort coke. So when I saw him doing it, 0:15:58.200 --> 0:16:01.240 I wanted to try it, and he let me, and 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:05.360 that was a rush I had never felt before. So 0:16:05.400 --> 0:16:07.560 I like the way that made me feel, so I 0:16:07.600 --> 0:16:08.880 would always do it with him. 0:16:09.560 --> 0:16:13.080 What was your sort of drug of choice, usually in the. 0:16:13.120 --> 0:16:18.240 Beginning alcohol and marijuana, but then later on alcohol, marijuana 0:16:18.280 --> 0:16:21.560 and cocaine, because I would take cocaine in marijuana and 0:16:21.640 --> 0:16:24.320 mix it inside of a blunt. In my mind is 0:16:24.720 --> 0:16:27.160 if I mix both of these together, that's gonna be 0:16:28.000 --> 0:16:31.680 a great, great high. And so when I actually did it, 0:16:32.160 --> 0:16:36.120 that was the outcome. I became very stoned. And I 0:16:36.160 --> 0:16:39.120 was also drinking liquor because my favorite liquor at the 0:16:39.160 --> 0:16:42.920 time was brandy, the dark brandy. And when you do cocaine, 0:16:43.200 --> 0:16:47.480 your cravings for drinking become more and more high. I 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:49.800 was drinking a paint at one time. I started drinking a. 0:16:49.800 --> 0:16:52.200 Fifth by myself, a whole bottle. 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:54.760 Yes, my dudes got so bid. I was drinking a 0:16:54.800 --> 0:16:57.640 whole fifth of liquor by myself, which is a lot 0:16:57.680 --> 0:16:59.760 of liquor to be drinking for one person. 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:03.040 What would you feel like kind of waking up the 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:04.040 next morning. 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:09.159 I feel lousy. I'd have a headache or be of 0:17:09.320 --> 0:17:11.879 sick because I couldn't go to sleep because cocaine is 0:17:11.920 --> 0:17:15.000 an upper so you tend to stay awaken. You can't 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:17.199 go to sleep. It opened them to doors me. They 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.320 try other things like if somebody had crystal math meth, 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:23.280 then better me. I would do that. If someone had coke, 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:24.040 I would do that. 0:17:24.600 --> 0:17:26.679 Wow. So you tried meth as well? 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:27.280 Yes, I have. 0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:34.040 Wow. That's a drug that gay men are particularly. 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:38.080 At risk for. Yes, lots of gay men smoke crystal meth, 0:17:38.440 --> 0:17:40.159 which is very dangerous. 0:17:40.920 --> 0:17:44.520 Crystal meth and fetamine or meth is a highly addictive 0:17:44.600 --> 0:17:48.520 man made drug. It's typically smoked, but it can also 0:17:48.600 --> 0:17:52.640 be injected, with the high lasting up to twelve hours. 0:17:53.080 --> 0:17:56.720 The health risks include permanent damage to the heart and brain, 0:17:57.280 --> 0:18:01.320 and psychotic symptoms that can last for months or even years. 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:06.200 According to the federal government, meth use is four times 0:18:06.280 --> 0:18:09.879 more prevalent in gay men than in straight men, and 0:18:09.960 --> 0:18:12.920 according to the New York City Department of Health, meth 0:18:13.080 --> 0:18:18.040 enhances sexual pleasure, lower sexual inhibitions, and enables gay men 0:18:18.119 --> 0:18:23.320 to escape from the stigma associated with gay sex. How 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:26.120 did you get into contacts with that drugs? 0:18:26.760 --> 0:18:30.720 Men around different people that want to have sex, because 0:18:31.040 --> 0:18:34.040 crystal man, cocaine, all those kind of drugs, those are 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:37.560 sex those are sex drugs. Those drugs think you very sexual. 0:18:38.960 --> 0:18:40.760 So you also had a sex addiction? 0:18:41.400 --> 0:18:45.399 Yes, I guess I was looking for love, and so 0:18:45.520 --> 0:18:47.879 I was out and have sex with all these different people. 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:51.919 I came and became very promiscuous, and in doing so 0:18:53.000 --> 0:18:57.560 also the drugs would always kick up a notch. I 0:18:57.680 --> 0:19:00.320 actually said the ten power because you know, they always 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:02.520 say sex and drugs go hand in hand, which is 0:19:02.640 --> 0:19:04.840 very true. And the kind of drugs that you're doing, 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:08.040 they make you want to have sex, especially cocaine and 0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:08.840 crystal math. 0:19:09.520 --> 0:19:12.800 Do you think you were still kind of dealing with 0:19:12.880 --> 0:19:17.440 the same issues inside and internally that you were dealing 0:19:17.520 --> 0:19:18.440 with when you were a kid? 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:22.480 I was. I was. I did a lot of abusing 0:19:22.600 --> 0:19:25.680 myself because the way that I was made to feel 0:19:25.680 --> 0:19:28.480 about myself, I was made to feel that I was nothing, 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:31.639 I was less than, that God wasn't going to allow 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:34.399 me into the kingdom of heaven, and that my life 0:19:35.359 --> 0:19:36.800 was made to be in mockery. 0:19:37.160 --> 0:19:40.080 Were you lonely, Donald, very lonely? 0:19:41.080 --> 0:19:42.760 Very? 0:19:42.800 --> 0:19:44.520 Did you ever want to get sober? 0:19:46.080 --> 0:19:49.920 It crossed my mind, But like my life revoid around getting. 0:19:49.640 --> 0:19:53.720 High and around this time you at the height of 0:19:53.720 --> 0:19:54.280 your addiction. 0:19:54.760 --> 0:19:58.280 You met your partner, right, Yes, I met my apartment 0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:04.280 June twelfth of two thousand and four. I met him 0:20:04.280 --> 0:20:08.520 in a village at this little small Chinese restaurant and 0:20:08.600 --> 0:20:12.240 he was eating shrimping broccoli and I walked over to him. 0:20:12.280 --> 0:20:15.000 He was looking at me, he was smiling, and he 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:17.920 was he's very handsome. So I walked over to him 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:20.000 and I told him. I said, you're a good looking guy. 0:20:20.040 --> 0:20:22.399 And he said, you're good looking too, And so he 0:20:23.000 --> 0:20:26.000 took his fork and he dipped his fuck into a 0:20:26.000 --> 0:20:28.359 piece of shrimp, into a piece of broccoli. He was 0:20:28.359 --> 0:20:31.560 trying to feed it to me, which was actually I 0:20:31.600 --> 0:20:35.000 thought that was cute, that was original. That's the first 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:38.600 time if somebody did that. He came to the apartment 0:20:38.640 --> 0:20:41.720 where I live at now. He came the same day, 0:20:41.960 --> 0:20:45.520 and it seemed like after that he moved in. 0:20:46.440 --> 0:20:50.160 How was your addiction interfering with that relationship? 0:20:50.640 --> 0:20:54.640 It was really getting away because I just became another person. 0:20:54.720 --> 0:21:02.280 I was evil, and I'm noxious and simple minded and patty, 0:21:02.480 --> 0:21:05.959 and I took my partner through things that he did 0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:11.280 not deserve, cussing him out and calling him names, and 0:21:12.200 --> 0:21:14.359 sometimes I just don't believe that he didn't throw in 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.720 the towel and called it quit with me. There were 0:21:17.800 --> 0:21:20.720 times that he wanted to, but he never gave up 0:21:20.760 --> 0:21:23.280 on me. I know there were times that he wanted to, 0:21:23.359 --> 0:21:29.280 but he wouldn't. It's just all these things that I 0:21:29.560 --> 0:21:31.120 became because of my addiction. 0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:36.520 I've dated an alcoholic before, and when you're on the 0:21:36.560 --> 0:21:41.119 other side of that, it feels like you want to 0:21:41.160 --> 0:21:46.480 plead with them to almost see you and to consider you, 0:21:48.560 --> 0:21:55.760 because their actions feel like they're not considered of you 0:21:55.840 --> 0:22:00.480 at all. Right, how did you sort of think about 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:04.119 him and how your actions were affecting him. 0:22:05.200 --> 0:22:08.080 I didn't think about him. I don't think about myself, 0:22:08.200 --> 0:22:10.159 but I was just so caught up into what I 0:22:10.240 --> 0:22:14.080 was doing, so everything about him really didn't matter. I 0:22:14.119 --> 0:22:17.480 loved him, but I was very selfish because of my addiction. 0:22:18.440 --> 0:22:22.239 Do you remember the moment when you thought that your 0:22:22.280 --> 0:22:26.920 addiction was ruining your life and your relationship with your partner. 0:22:28.640 --> 0:22:30.920 But he would always give me money, and it always 0:22:31.040 --> 0:22:34.200 was like, I would go by, I have a panel 0:22:34.280 --> 0:22:38.280 record and then a dinbag an ten dollars bag of weed, 0:22:39.400 --> 0:22:42.879 and I used a lot at home, And if he 0:22:42.920 --> 0:22:45.879 knew I was at home doing drugs, he was okay 0:22:45.920 --> 0:22:48.480 with that. He didn't want me doing it really outside 0:22:48.480 --> 0:22:48.960 in the street. 0:22:49.880 --> 0:22:54.480 If you're gonna do it, at least you're safe. I'm safe, right, Wow, 0:22:54.560 --> 0:22:55.639 that's very loving. 0:22:55.960 --> 0:22:58.960 And yeah, the tipping point was when I started going 0:22:59.000 --> 0:23:01.920 to jail because I was buying marijuana at the time. 0:23:02.119 --> 0:23:04.320 Right now it's legal, but back then when I was 0:23:04.320 --> 0:23:07.080 buying it wasn't legal. And if you got caught, them 0:23:07.200 --> 0:23:09.359 make you do twenty four hours in the system. I 0:23:09.359 --> 0:23:11.360 would call you. They get you on free your carm 0:23:11.400 --> 0:23:13.000 phone call and I'm gonna call him and tell him. 0:23:13.040 --> 0:23:15.320 And I was locked up, and he would come down 0:23:15.320 --> 0:23:17.879 to the jail where I was going to see the 0:23:17.960 --> 0:23:19.960 judge and he'd be sitting there, and sitting there in 0:23:20.000 --> 0:23:24.399 the courtroom, I was actually embarrassed because it's like I 0:23:24.480 --> 0:23:26.760 just kept doing things and get myself into trouble. 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:30.240 When did your addiction reach its worst point? 0:23:30.560 --> 0:23:33.320 It reaches the worst point when there was a young 0:23:33.359 --> 0:23:36.600 girl in my neighborhood and I went to her looking 0:23:36.600 --> 0:23:40.520 for crack, and she said that she ain't know nobody 0:23:40.520 --> 0:23:43.399 that sold it, but she she had told her the 0:23:43.440 --> 0:23:45.680 people that I was smoking at. 0:23:45.440 --> 0:23:48.000 For you, no one knew that you were struggling with 0:23:48.040 --> 0:23:49.840 addiction except for your partner. 0:23:50.000 --> 0:23:52.520 Yeah, he was people knew that I smoked and drank, 0:23:52.800 --> 0:23:56.480 but they ain't know that I was doing cocaine. So 0:23:56.520 --> 0:23:58.639 the turning point was when she got mad at me 0:23:58.720 --> 0:24:02.280 about something. So when I came out the biding one day, 0:24:02.320 --> 0:24:05.439 I was going downtown in Manhattan and she saw me, 0:24:05.560 --> 0:24:08.679 so then she yells out out loud, this fagg is 0:24:08.800 --> 0:24:12.960 smoking crack. Everybody was outside. It was like my hot 0:24:13.000 --> 0:24:15.919 summer day, all eyes on me when she said that. 0:24:16.680 --> 0:24:18.840 And then it got into a point where she was 0:24:18.880 --> 0:24:21.639 like harassing me, like every time she would see me 0:24:21.640 --> 0:24:23.000 and she'll call me a crackhead. 0:24:23.600 --> 0:24:26.600 And for you, it was the fact that your reputation 0:24:26.720 --> 0:24:27.639 had been tarnished. 0:24:27.760 --> 0:24:30.600 Yes, it was because I people was calling me a 0:24:30.640 --> 0:24:33.399 crackhead and going out and going around spreading it. 0:24:33.800 --> 0:24:36.720 So now your whole neighborhood knew that you were an addict. 0:24:38.119 --> 0:24:39.040