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Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Chelsea Handler. Welcome to Life Will Be the

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Speaker 1: Death of Me a production of I Heart Radio. There

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Speaker 1: are many things dogs can do to make you feel

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Speaker 1: like a better human being, like run toward you. For

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Speaker 1: the record, I'm not one of those people who cares

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Speaker 1: more about animals than I do about humans, but I

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Speaker 1: am someone who knows that loving a dog makes you

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Speaker 1: a kinder and fuller person. I don't have such luck

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Speaker 1: with babies, and the feeling is fucking mutual. Fucking fuck babies.

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Speaker 1: So when I realized dogs were receptive to me, I

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Speaker 1: returned the favor. My obsession with chow chow mixes came

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Speaker 1: alive only when I rescued Chunk and was told he

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Speaker 1: was a chow mix. After six years, I decided it

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Speaker 1: was time for Chunk to have a sibling. And if

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Speaker 1: Chunk was my first born, and then Tammy was the

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Speaker 1: step daughter that I loved almost more than my own blood.

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Speaker 1: Tammy was a tramp, and that's what I respected about

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Speaker 1: her the most. First of all, she had was a

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Speaker 1: child mix, and she had the purple tongue to prove it. Second,

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Speaker 1: everything about her Squeam Guadalajara. She looked like she had

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Speaker 1: survived more than one street fight, and possibly one with

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Speaker 1: an animal that wasn't even a dog. She had one

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Speaker 1: dead ear alopecia on her ass, a very scantily clad tail,

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Speaker 1: and a gate that hinted she had withstood hip replacement surgery.

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Speaker 1: Tammy was essentially a builder bear, and I knew that

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Speaker 1: was some maternal attention from my cleaning ladies and some

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Speaker 1: serious nutrition also from the cleaning ladies. I could turn

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Speaker 1: that gate into a fucking swagger. She was exactly the

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Speaker 1: type of dog who could pull off an ear piercing

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Speaker 1: We rescued Tammy from a facility in Long Beach, where,

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Speaker 1: for the record, my cousin Molly said the following, you

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Speaker 1: can't get that dog. She's the ugliest one here. I

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Speaker 1: didn't think she was ugly. I thought she gave new

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Speaker 1: meaning to the term underdog. There was nothing ugly about her. Scrappy, maybe,

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Speaker 1: like she could have been carrying a pocket knife. But

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Speaker 1: she needed me, and whatever her name would turn out

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Speaker 1: to be, Tammy, I needed her right back. Even though Molly,

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Speaker 1: my cousin, is twelve years younger than I am, she's

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Speaker 1: smarter and more capable than I'll ever be. But in

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Speaker 1: this particular instance, I knew I had the ability to

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Speaker 1: see what would be overlooked by most everybody else. That's

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Speaker 1: the great thing about Molly. She knows I'm right about

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Speaker 1: the things that get me in the gut. If I

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Speaker 1: want to give a stranger ten thous dollars and she

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Speaker 1: thinks they're going to spend it on crack, just because

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Speaker 1: I met that person in a correcton, I will defer

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Speaker 1: to Molly. She'll say something along the lines of let's

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Speaker 1: sleep on that, and if you still feel that way

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Speaker 1: in the morning, then we'll do it and you'll have

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Speaker 1: my full support. That means no, But in this instance,

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Speaker 1: Molly knew I meant business. I was rescuing Tammy and

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Speaker 1: was going to give her what she needed, some real

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Speaker 1: life pampering, someone to show her she was special. After all.

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Speaker 1: When I get dogs, they aren't just rescued by me.

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Speaker 1: They're getting the love and attention of my cleaning ladies,

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Speaker 1: my assistance, my dog walker, and everyone else who either

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Speaker 1: works at my house or meanders through it on a

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Speaker 1: regular basis. Older dogs are special because they have had

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Speaker 1: more rejection, their hope is gone, and even though no

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Speaker 1: one seems to know exactly how old. Any fucking rescue

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Speaker 1: dog is. When you would adopt an older dog, you

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Speaker 1: were cramming their last years with love and giving them

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Speaker 1: the security that comes with knowing that they have a home.

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Speaker 1: I've always believed you can erase bad memories with twice

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Speaker 1: as many good ones. Maybe a racism the right word.

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Speaker 1: Maybe dim is a better word. After the people at

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Speaker 1: the rescue center cleaned up Tammy, the two women handling

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Speaker 1: her adoption told me that she could be a really

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Speaker 1: beat up four year old, or she could be twelve yea,

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Speaker 1: and then I should ask my vet for clarification when

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Speaker 1: she had her first check up. When the rescue presented

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Speaker 1: Tammy dusk, they had placed a little pink bow in

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Speaker 1: each ear, the full bodied ear and the limp one.

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Speaker 1: She looked like a harlot. Once we got her in

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Speaker 1: the car on her way home, we removed those embarrassing

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Speaker 1: gender labels from her ears and got down to business.

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Speaker 1: I looked at Molly, I said, I feel like we

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Speaker 1: have two names to choose from, Bernice or Tammy. I'm

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Speaker 1: always like or Destiny. Destiny is totally underused. The first

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Speaker 1: night I had Tammy home, I had some people over

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Speaker 1: for dinner. I picked her up and I put her

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Speaker 1: in my lap facing me, leaving both of her curiously

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Speaker 1: stiff front paws positioned around each of my hips like Shakira.

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Speaker 1: My best friend Mary craned her head over the at

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Speaker 1: her table, amazed and said, is she hugging you right now?

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Speaker 1: I've never seen her dog do that? Chelsea's making her

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Speaker 1: Molly told Mary, I wasn't making Tammy do anything. I

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Speaker 1: was showing her the seating options available to her, and

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Speaker 1: one option was on my lap, face forward. Chunk, my

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Speaker 1: older dog would never sit on my lap. Hey, he

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Speaker 1: was just too big and be he valued his personal space.

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Speaker 1: I had finally found a dog who did it. Dammy's

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Speaker 1: teeth looked like she was from London, so when Tanner,

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Speaker 1: an assistant of mine, took her to her first bet

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Speaker 1: appointment for a once over, the nurse called and told

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Speaker 1: me she may need to have all of her teeth removed.

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Speaker 1: I said, why would that be necessary? All of her

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Speaker 1: teeth you have to take out and she goes well

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Speaker 1: because they could all be infected. I said, isn't there

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Speaker 1: a way to tell which one to are infected and

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Speaker 1: which ones aren't before you fucking take them all how

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Speaker 1: will she eat with no teeth? And then she said, well,

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Speaker 1: we won't take out any of the teeth that aren't infected.

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Speaker 1: I was like, am I talking to a real life

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Speaker 1: animal on the phone? What are you saying? Fucking vets?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I know you mean well, but I need

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Speaker 1: a straight fucking answer. I was confused by this exchange.

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Speaker 1: I said, I don't want any teeth that aren't infected

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Speaker 1: to be removed. Are we clear? Otherwise I'll just take

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Speaker 1: her to my own dentist on Monday. Poor Tammy. I

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Speaker 1: wasn't about to let her move into bell Air with

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Speaker 1: no teeth. Before the dog nurse hung up, I asked

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Speaker 1: if they had been able to decipher Tammy's age from

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Speaker 1: her teeth state of affairs. She could be anywhere from

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Speaker 1: five to twelve. It's hard to say, I said, it

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Speaker 1: is hard to say. I guess. Is it written somewhere

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Speaker 1: in the Journal of sin for Dogs to just say

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Speaker 1: that all rescue dogs are between the ages of four

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Speaker 1: and twelve? How can it be that a swab of

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Speaker 1: saliva can determine a dog's genetic heritage? Yet there isn't

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Speaker 1: a more precise way to determine the age of a

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Speaker 1: dog at this juncture in modern society, it's a real question.

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Speaker 1: Tammy would allow me to do almost anything to her body,

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Speaker 1: and I needed to her to know that she was

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Speaker 1: going to get so tackled with love that her past

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Speaker 1: would become a distant memory, replaced by dogging, massages, acupuncture,

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Speaker 1: and baton twirling. She would let out a low rumble growl,

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Speaker 1: and I would go in closer, waiting for her to

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Speaker 1: bite my face off. But she never once bit me.

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Speaker 1: She bit my sister Shoshanna, and she deserved it. Tammy

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Speaker 1: knew I was her captor, and that was in her

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Speaker 1: best interest to just lean in and accept my devotion.

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Speaker 1: Once I was done showering her with my Harvey Weinstein

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Speaker 1: affection that's not in the book, that is not in

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Speaker 1: the book, I added that your guys are sick. You're sick,

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Speaker 1: ohs all of you. I'm not sucking my dog. Okay.

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Speaker 1: Once I was done showering her with affection, she'd give

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Speaker 1: me a final look to confirm that I was done

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Speaker 1: molesting her, and then scurry off the bed and down

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Speaker 1: her doggy steps intoto, the doggy bed that she'd usurped

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Speaker 1: from Chunk one. It's comfortably inside her new bed. She

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Speaker 1: let out a groan that implied, thank God, that's over her.

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Speaker 1: I couldn't keep my hands off Tammy. I'd put her

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Speaker 1: in a seat belt in my lap on the way

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Speaker 1: to work when I knew she'd be much happier sitting

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Speaker 1: in the backseat like a normal dog, with her limbs

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Speaker 1: free and one of her dead ear out the window.

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Speaker 1: I can be an effusive lover, and after our initial

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Speaker 1: trial period together, she just learned to deal with my advances.

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Speaker 1: She was just big enough for it to be imprudent

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Speaker 1: to pick her up, but that didn't stop me either.

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Speaker 1: She would immediately stiffen up with her eggs outstretched as

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Speaker 1: if she were standing, making her look like a stuffed dog.

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Speaker 1: She was like a taxidermist dream chunk was slim, But

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure how to describe Tammy's body. It seemed

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Speaker 1: possible that some of her organs had shifted during one

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Speaker 1: of her bar fights and then solidified. Her bald spots

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Speaker 1: filled out within weeks, and her rat like tail became

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Speaker 1: full bodied. Within her first month at home. She looked

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Speaker 1: like an ad for nutrition. She even started following me

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Speaker 1: on stage during the interview segment of my Netflix show,

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Speaker 1: and would sometimes pop herself up on the little table

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Speaker 1: between the guests and me. She didn't give a shit

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Speaker 1: about what anybody thought about her. She just wanted to

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Speaker 1: make sure we were in the same room, nothing more,

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Speaker 1: nothing less. She would have been fine if I never

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Speaker 1: pampered or even pet her, But like most rescue dogs,

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Speaker 1: if I walked out of the room, she'd follow me.

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Speaker 1: If I walked into a bathroom, she would open the

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Speaker 1: door with her nose and stare at me until I

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Speaker 1: was done. Chuck did the same thing, but it was

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Speaker 1: much more needy. He'd open the bathroom door. If we

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Speaker 1: were at work, he'd slide head first under the bathroom

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Speaker 1: stall and then avoid eye contact with me. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: oh my god, so embarrassing for both of us. Where

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Speaker 1: Chunk was refined, Tammy was street. She sits out in

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Speaker 1: front of the toilet, face to face, as if to say, bitch,

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Speaker 1: you need me more than I need you. I'm just

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Speaker 1: keeping an eye on things. Tammy was more like a

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Speaker 1: security guard. She wasn't quite a spry as Chunk, so

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Speaker 1: I didn't bring her on trips with me because she

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Speaker 1: couldn't hop on and off planes. And helicopters, but she

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Speaker 1: was mentally fit, so there was backlash. That's what led

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Speaker 1: me to get a third dog. I thought another dog

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Speaker 1: would help distract Tammy from the fact that Chunk and

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Speaker 1: I were traveling around the world globetrotting. I didn't want

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Speaker 1: her to feel excluded, since she was smart enough to

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Speaker 1: hold a grudge. My friend Kate, who loves animals more

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Speaker 1: than people. You know the person I'm talking about. Everyone

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Speaker 1: has one in their life. That's her. She texted me

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Speaker 1: a picture of a dog that was at a rescue

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Speaker 1: in Westwood with a message that read, this guy needs

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Speaker 1: a home and he's part chow chow. This is what

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Speaker 1: people do when they want me to rescue a dog.

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Speaker 1: They lie to me and say he's part chow chow.

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Speaker 1: I went down to the rescue in Westwood and I

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Speaker 1: picked up our new dog. The girls working there told

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Speaker 1: me he could be anywhere between four and twelve. I

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Speaker 1: brought our new family member home and decided his name

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Speaker 1: would be John. He was sweet and goofy and was

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Speaker 1: definitely a big puppy. I figured he's probably too. That night,

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Speaker 1: in an effort to not overthink assimilating my new brood,

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Speaker 1: I put all three dogs in my bedroom and popped

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Speaker 1: an edible marijuana keeps families together. I was awakened by

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Speaker 1: a low rumble that rose to a roar, and then

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Speaker 1: to something that sounded like there was a werewolf nearby.

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Speaker 1: When I flipped lights on, Tammy's midsize, corpulent body had

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Speaker 1: somehow wrapped itself around John's like a contortionist. Thank God

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Speaker 1: for instinct, because I'm scared to think what I would

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Speaker 1: have done had I given it any thought. I screamed no,

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Speaker 1: and then ripped Tammy off of him. Her eyes were

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Speaker 1: red and she looked like she was wearing red lipstick

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Speaker 1: to I tossed her tour in my closet. John was

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Speaker 1: a bigger dog and stronger than I thought, and I

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Speaker 1: couldn't hold him back from barreling toward her. So I

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Speaker 1: dove right in the middle of them, grabbed Tammy, pushed

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Speaker 1: her head first into my closet, and shut the door.

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Speaker 1: Then I scurried at my feet in my staples sleep

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Speaker 1: where a bra and a thong, and I fended off John.

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Speaker 1: It was growling with his nose to the closet. Once

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Speaker 1: I got him outside my room and closed the door,

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Speaker 1: I sat down on my bed and thought I was

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Speaker 1: going into cardiac arrest. I was gasping for bread as

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Speaker 1: I tried to open my eyes and figure out what

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Speaker 1: to do next. I was scared of both dogs at

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Speaker 1: that point. I didn't know what they were capable of.

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Speaker 1: After seeing Tammy basically shape shift herself into an anaconda.

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Speaker 1: When I moved my hand in my chest to try

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Speaker 1: to sell soothe, I realized my bra had been torn

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Speaker 1: open and one of my breasts had been set loose

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Speaker 1: and was bleeding. I was so confused and so high.

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Speaker 1: I was like what. I looked over at Chunk and

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Speaker 1: he had wrapped himself up in the drapes. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to call Chunk a pussy, and I don't want

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Speaker 1: to call Tammy a cunt, but I'm just throwing those

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Speaker 1: two words out there. I toll. I called Molly and

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Speaker 1: I told her I was living with a real life Kujo.

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Speaker 1: And even though I knew it was Tammy's fault, I

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Speaker 1: was scared to open the door and check on John.

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Speaker 1: John was an odd man outcome. Get John. It was

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Speaker 1: twelve thirty am, and while I waited for the coast

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Speaker 1: to be clear, I texted my assistant Brandon to scan

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Speaker 1: the security cameras in the morning and save whatever footage

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Speaker 1: had just been captured for the next time. My friends

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Speaker 1: and I did mushrooms. John never made the cut because

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Speaker 1: Tammy took him to task. Chunk knew better than to

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Speaker 1: fight over territory he'd conquered long ago. He knew he

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Speaker 1: belonged with me, but he understood there would be random

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Speaker 1: dogs coming in and out of our lives, just the

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Speaker 1: way people did. Tammy was with me for three years

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Speaker 1: and died shortly after the inauguration. She felt the same

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Speaker 1: way I did about Donald Trump. Molly and I were

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Speaker 1: in South Africa at the time, and I got the

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Speaker 1: call while Molly was out getting gifts for her brothers

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Speaker 1: and sisters. She came back to the hotel room where

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Speaker 1: I was sitting in a chair and feeling guilty about

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Speaker 1: traveling so much and not spending more time at home

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Speaker 1: with the dogs. I rescued. You gave her a good life, Chelse,

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Speaker 1: Molly said, hugging me. No one else would have ever

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Speaker 1: adopted that dog. And do you know how much shorter

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00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,320
Speaker 1: her life would have been if you'd been home more.

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Speaker 1: After Tammy died, I had some friends over for a

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Speaker 1: small memorial service at my house, where we watched the

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00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:04,360
Speaker 1: video footage from my security cameras the night of the attack.

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Speaker 1: It was the first time I had seen the crime scene,

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Speaker 1: and Brandon had scored it to the theme song of Rocky.

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Speaker 1: In it, you can see Tammy actually airborne after I

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Speaker 1: got her off of John. The four teeth that I

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Speaker 1: had campaigned to keep ended up biting me right in

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Speaker 1: the tip. That's called getting titty fucked. Okay. If I

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Speaker 1: hadn't busted my nut with my topless photo rampage years before,

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Speaker 1: this video would have been released on all of my

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Speaker 1: social media platforms on a loop. Watching the video of

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Speaker 1: Tamy alone pacing in my closet like a large brown

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Speaker 1: bear reminded me what a force of nature she was.

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Speaker 1: She was an underdog and a badass. She was a fighter,

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Speaker 1: and even though I don't spend much time looking in

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Speaker 1: the rear view mirror, my biggest regret is not ever

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Speaker 1: getting her ears pierced. Thank you. Okay, We're gonna take

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Speaker 1: a quick break and we'll be right back. Okay, I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna bring out a friend of mine who's a very

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00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:22,080
Speaker 1: good friend of mine. Actually, I only discovered that minutes ago.

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00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,360
Speaker 1: He's a Chicago native and he you may recognize him

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Speaker 1: for a show he's been on for seventy four years.

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Speaker 1: It's called Friends. I'm just kidding. It's called Will and Grace.

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Speaker 1: Please welcome Sean. Hey, Hey, guys, how are you? Um?

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy to wait wait wait, you brought this

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Speaker 1: up a couple of times, so I just want to

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00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,680
Speaker 1: make sure we're all on the same page. Here, would

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00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:13,800
Speaker 1: you is? What is the amount of money that you

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00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,320
Speaker 1: would agree to have sex with another person for? Okay,

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00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:18,560
Speaker 1: because I feel like you have a price. Yes, Well,

293
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,840
Speaker 1: everybody has a number. Everybody hasn't know that I do.

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00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:22,960
Speaker 1: I don't. I'm not in a like no, no, everybody

295
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,160
Speaker 1: has a number. But I really believe someone said, hey,

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00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,520
Speaker 1: here's fifty million dollars. I'm from Saudi Arabia. Can you

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00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:34,240
Speaker 1: blow me? I'd be like, I can't. No, you could, Yeah,

298
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:39,760
Speaker 1: is the answer. Anybody could. Yeah. So there's this thing

299
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,120
Speaker 1: called Yeah, there's this thing called bait bus dot com.

300
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,800
Speaker 1: Anybody Okay, what do you mean bait? Like the A

301
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,080
Speaker 1: I T B A I T bait bus dot com

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00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,440
Speaker 1: and on it. Um, it's like this, I don't know

303
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,080
Speaker 1: if it's still up and running. Becau this gay bullshit website,

304
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,800
Speaker 1: and but when on it, it's this bus that drives

305
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,520
Speaker 1: around and this girl sticks her tits out and they

306
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,480
Speaker 1: find us drake guy on the street and they're like hey.

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00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,480
Speaker 1: She's like, hey, you want to blow a job? And

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00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,439
Speaker 1: he's like yeah. So he gets on the bus and

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00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,720
Speaker 1: he sits there and she's blowing him, and then she's like,

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00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,159
Speaker 1: can I blindfold you? And he's like yeah, So they

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00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,920
Speaker 1: blindfold him, and this gay guy comes around and takes

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00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:17,119
Speaker 1: her place, right, takes her place and she started and

313
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,639
Speaker 1: he starts blowing him, and eventually he picks the thing up,

314
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,960
Speaker 1: and every guy has the same the rat reaction right there,

315
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:23,480
Speaker 1: like get the fook off with me? What the is

316
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,840
Speaker 1: going on? And then after he calmed down and everybody's

317
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,919
Speaker 1: calmed down, they go, okay, would you would you do

318
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:29,360
Speaker 1: it for two bucks? He's like no, I'm not gonna

319
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,199
Speaker 1: let you blow me for you know, blow me for

320
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:37,040
Speaker 1: two bucks? And they're like what about He's like okay, right,

321
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,800
Speaker 1: so everybody has a fucking price. I like the I

322
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:42,480
Speaker 1: like the part of that story. Everybody calms down, everybody

323
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:48,880
Speaker 1: calls down and then they have an organized conversation. We're

324
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,160
Speaker 1: giving a blowjob, you blow job from a man. Would

325
00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:55,200
Speaker 1: you like to move forward with that? Yeah? Yeah, it's

326
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:58,399
Speaker 1: the negotiations like a game show. We should do a

327
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:02,320
Speaker 1: game show. It's called bait bu um. That's not that

328
00:19:02,359 --> 00:19:04,399
Speaker 1: doesn't like it's hard to understand what you're saying when

329
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,320
Speaker 1: you say bait bus because I thought you said date bus,

330
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:07,879
Speaker 1: and then I thought you said rape bus. Okay, but

331
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:10,679
Speaker 1: here's this. But here's the thing. You're looking at me

332
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:14,240
Speaker 1: and I'm saying bait. So why is it so hard

333
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:18,760
Speaker 1: to understand? You know what I'm saying? All right, let's

334
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:21,840
Speaker 1: ask questions. You know what we should do? Maybe after

335
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,800
Speaker 1: unless you hate this, I just thought of this. We

336
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,960
Speaker 1: can take questions from the audience, like Carol Burnett, we

337
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,560
Speaker 1: don't have it. I would love to, but we don't.

338
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:30,240
Speaker 1: I don't know if we haven't set up you guys,

339
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,920
Speaker 1: Can we set up it out and we'll repeat it? Okay? Yeah,

340
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,680
Speaker 1: we can probably do that when we have ten minutes left.

341
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,760
Speaker 1: All we'll do questions and somebody has them. You can

342
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:41,760
Speaker 1: get up and fashion not right now, great way to

343
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,720
Speaker 1: start the show. Show on your fucking asshole. I wanted

344
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:51,680
Speaker 1: to have any questions before we get started. Wait, hold

345
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:55,120
Speaker 1: on a second, what are your questions so we can

346
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:59,320
Speaker 1: direct the way we're gonna behave I mean or like

347
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:04,840
Speaker 1: a bone or killer? No, I just for everybody. Let's

348
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:09,280
Speaker 1: take a moment of silence, everyone out in a journal,

349
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:14,040
Speaker 1: and then we'll read them from the stage at the end. Cheers, God,

350
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:18,720
Speaker 1: cheers again. This is wait wait, wait, this is this

351
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:21,320
Speaker 1: is what we do at work. Say that again. Well, wait,

352
00:20:21,359 --> 00:20:22,879
Speaker 1: if we're going to do something, let them take their

353
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:29,120
Speaker 1: phones out and do a boomerang or a fun picture. Okay, okay, right, wait,

354
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,080
Speaker 1: let everybody get their phones and then put them away

355
00:20:31,119 --> 00:20:34,440
Speaker 1: and keep them out for keeping killer. No, I want

356
00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:46,520
Speaker 1: to listen. Just shut the funk up and follow my lead. Okay, ready, one, two, three? Cheers. Okay.

357
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,280
Speaker 1: Now we'll put our phones away so we can all

358
00:20:48,359 --> 00:20:50,720
Speaker 1: enjoy ourselves. Okay, So let's talk about the book for

359
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,520
Speaker 1: a second, and it'll take us off into worlds we

360
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,040
Speaker 1: never knew existed. Okay, okay, ready, So, because what if

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00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,600
Speaker 1: we find out by the end of this interview that

362
00:20:57,640 --> 00:21:02,320
Speaker 1: I'm gay and you're straight. That would be exciting for

363
00:21:02,359 --> 00:21:05,760
Speaker 1: so many ladies. What do you mean by the end

364
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:09,840
Speaker 1: of the interview? Um, no, we're gonna is it? Okay?

365
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:15,240
Speaker 1: If I burp? Yes, wait, there we go. I know

366
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,400
Speaker 1: I'm burping, particula. It's really hard to have a hot

367
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:20,520
Speaker 1: dog and then come back. You never had las until

368
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:25,120
Speaker 1: in between shows. Yeah, it's awesome. I mean, I don't

369
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 1: know how that could be bad. A hot dog with

370
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,480
Speaker 1: a bunch of ship on it, you know what I mean.

371
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,280
Speaker 1: But it's it's a it's a dog, it's everything. And

372
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:35,920
Speaker 1: let me And then I had two pieces of chocolate

373
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:40,720
Speaker 1: cake because that daddy's not fat enough. Do you want

374
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:46,359
Speaker 1: some chocolate cake? I love some? Okay, So here we go.

375
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,480
Speaker 1: Did I ever tell you my chocolate cake story? Oh?

376
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,520
Speaker 1: My god? Here okay. So I had a boyfriend who

377
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,439
Speaker 1: was annoying me and he had diarrhea. We were on

378
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,560
Speaker 1: vacation for a weekend. Ted Harbert you know him right,

379
00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:02,760
Speaker 1: you're saying his name, by the way, who used to

380
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,840
Speaker 1: be my boss? Yeah? Yeah, he used to be my

381
00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,600
Speaker 1: boss too, I bet so imagine doing this to your boss.

382
00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:11,800
Speaker 1: That's what makes a story even better. I never thought

383
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,760
Speaker 1: about it from that aspect. So he like he was

384
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:16,919
Speaker 1: a very needy boyfriend. He I dated him when I

385
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,720
Speaker 1: was like when I started like, uh my show, I

386
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,399
Speaker 1: was twenty seven, I started dating him like and I

387
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,240
Speaker 1: stayed with him until I was thirty two. He was like,

388
00:22:25,359 --> 00:22:26,879
Speaker 1: you know, he was twenty years older than me, and

389
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,639
Speaker 1: I was taken. He was like the boss of the company.

390
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:31,480
Speaker 1: And every time he'd come down the show, I was like, oh,

391
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:34,200
Speaker 1: I want to be with him, and then I was yeah,

392
00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,960
Speaker 1: I was cute. And then I was with him and

393
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,680
Speaker 1: I was like, I gotta get out of here. So

394
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:45,240
Speaker 1: but not until I deal at e is up. I

395
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:51,760
Speaker 1: was like, dad at that sign a cheers, Oh my god,

396
00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:59,480
Speaker 1: Will and Grace and Grace. So we're in Laguna Beach

397
00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:00,960
Speaker 1: or one of those white places you go for a

398
00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,479
Speaker 1: weekend when you already live in l A and you're

399
00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,760
Speaker 1: on a vacation all the time. Where should I go

400
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:08,320
Speaker 1: to him? Beach? You're a beach and so he was like, hey,

401
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,280
Speaker 1: we were at the pool. We're lying out by the

402
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,760
Speaker 1: pool and he's like, hey, do I have diarrhea? Let's

403
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:16,760
Speaker 1: go upstairs. You're like romantic. I was like, why do

404
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,560
Speaker 1: I have to go with you for that diarrhea? I

405
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,760
Speaker 1: don't want to go upstairs. I'm at the pool. You're

406
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,159
Speaker 1: the one who has diarrhea. Don't include me in this,

407
00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,240
Speaker 1: that's your situation. Why are we were not a couple

408
00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:30,959
Speaker 1: in everything? And he's like, just come up with me,

409
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,639
Speaker 1: and I was too tired to argue, and I finally

410
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,760
Speaker 1: I went up there. So he goes and like fulminates

411
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 1: in the bathroom. It's like, you know, and I'm I'm

412
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,840
Speaker 1: sitting in the bed thinking about how ridiculous it is

413
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,400
Speaker 1: that a man expects us to just sit around while

414
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,520
Speaker 1: they shipped themselves in the next room. I was like,

415
00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:51,159
Speaker 1: this is so disrespectful, Like I might now with no

416
00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:53,919
Speaker 1: value that I have to listen to this squirt ship

417
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 1: over there. So we had it was it was his

418
00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:00,760
Speaker 1: birthday the night before, and so we had over chocolate

419
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,000
Speaker 1: cake and he was in the bathroom for so long,

420
00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:05,199
Speaker 1: and you know, I was getting so annoyed and that

421
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,760
Speaker 1: my imagination got the best of me, and so I

422
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:10,159
Speaker 1: took the chocolate cake and I was like, let me

423
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:15,280
Speaker 1: just spread some on the sheets and see if he

424
00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,080
Speaker 1: comes out, like if he's confused about you know, because

425
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,000
Speaker 1: we've gotten up first thing in the morning, we're hungover

426
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,920
Speaker 1: and went down to the pool. Never you know, came

427
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,960
Speaker 1: back to the room. I'm like, it's gonna spread this

428
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,440
Speaker 1: along the sheets and just see. And then I put

429
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,239
Speaker 1: a little bit on the headboard and a little bit

430
00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,600
Speaker 1: on the wall, like like you guys were having like

431
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:36,000
Speaker 1: crazy monkey sex. It's and I was like, and he

432
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,320
Speaker 1: comes out of the bathroom and I'm just like lying there,

433
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,080
Speaker 1: I'm like, are you feeling better? And then I just

434
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,640
Speaker 1: rolled over casual. I was like, I was like, ted,

435
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:52,320
Speaker 1: you should have been and his look like he didn't

436
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:54,960
Speaker 1: even think about whether he did or not. He assumed

437
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,400
Speaker 1: that yes he did. And he's looking at this chocolate

438
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,000
Speaker 1: cake that I've run in the no look away look

439
00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:05,080
Speaker 1: away right now, and I was like, oh, no, you didn't.

440
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,879
Speaker 1: You did this. And then I looked up at the

441
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 1: wall like liver, and he's rolling up the sheets and

442
00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:14,239
Speaker 1: he's like, we gotta go, we gotta check out. We're

443
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 1: gonna just take the sheets and put him in the draw.

444
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,960
Speaker 1: And so at some point during this evil charade, I

445
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:25,200
Speaker 1: was laughing. I was trying to pretend I was crying

446
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,200
Speaker 1: because I was laughing so hard. When he started when

447
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,080
Speaker 1: he believed me, I didn't think there was a chance

448
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:31,679
Speaker 1: that he would believe he shot the bed and it

449
00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:35,800
Speaker 1: looked like chocolate frostering. I mean, what an idiot, and

450
00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:40,959
Speaker 1: you're you're saying it didn't work out, and so he

451
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,760
Speaker 1: looks and at one point I was laughing so hard

452
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 1: I had to turn away, you know, and I just protesting.

453
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:51,280
Speaker 1: I'm so sad this happened to you. And he's like

454
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,360
Speaker 1: what And then he saw me kind of laugh He's like, who, wha, wha,

455
00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:56,280
Speaker 1: what are you doing. I'm like, nothing, nothing. You didn't

456
00:25:56,760 --> 00:26:02,560
Speaker 1: you didn't ship the bed. It's not chocolate you should

457
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 1: have eaten. At first, you're like, oh my god, you

458
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:12,680
Speaker 1: ship Wait a minute, you shipped the beds? Because that's

459
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,199
Speaker 1: what's what do you do when you don't know the

460
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:19,320
Speaker 1: difference between ship or chocolate taste? Very caddyshack. I saw

461
00:26:19,359 --> 00:26:21,600
Speaker 1: that twice, and I saw Porkies, so don't even get

462
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:23,639
Speaker 1: me started. That is the best movie on the planet,

463
00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 1: Porkies and then Porky's Revenge, So um, let's see. Okay,

464
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 1: So in the book, we we figured I was just no,

465
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:33,600
Speaker 1: I was just talking to another person. I was going

466
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:37,200
Speaker 1: to keep going. I was gonna keep going because of

467
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:38,760
Speaker 1: the pressure you put on me to fly out. Here

468
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:45,080
Speaker 1: and sit here and ask you questions. So, uh so

469
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:47,880
Speaker 1: in the book, you know, Chelsea and I have Well,

470
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 1: I discovered after reading the book how fantastic it was

471
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,880
Speaker 1: that we have many many, many things in common. Were

472
00:26:54,920 --> 00:26:58,159
Speaker 1: extremely similar in many many ways. We're both the youngest

473
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:02,119
Speaker 1: of five kids. We both you know, dysfunctional families. We

474
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,320
Speaker 1: both suffer from the same Why was your family dysunctional? Like?

475
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 1: What was the what was the bane of your just? Well,

476
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:09,200
Speaker 1: my father was an alcoholic. He left when I was

477
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,480
Speaker 1: five years old. My mom raised five kids by herself,

478
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:15,320
Speaker 1: and so we kind of parented ourselves and uh we

479
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:18,480
Speaker 1: although your dad was wasn't an alcoholic, No he should.

480
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,919
Speaker 1: That would have helped. Yeah, it's like Trump, It's like,

481
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:25,280
Speaker 1: I have a fucking drink please, right right, You're like,

482
00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 1: I took that one over for you. Yeah, my dad.

483
00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 1: I had this like love hate hate relationship with my

484
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: dad through adolescence and once I came back around to

485
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 1: my parents, once I had moved to California and I

486
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,520
Speaker 1: was able to come back and enjoy them for like actually,

487
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,800
Speaker 1: like you know, adulthood, I hated them so much growing up.

488
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,199
Speaker 1: I was like, you guys are the worst. Look how

489
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:46,840
Speaker 1: you dress your fucking cars? Like they had no organization,

490
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:48,600
Speaker 1: They didn't know where I went to school. I was like,

491
00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:50,960
Speaker 1: what I mean? I registered myself for school when I

492
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:52,359
Speaker 1: was in sixth grade. And then I was like, what

493
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,640
Speaker 1: I do that? I totally did that. By the way,

494
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:59,640
Speaker 1: I shipped myself in school. Yeah, I keep going, I said,

495
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:03,320
Speaker 1: I read just stirred myself from school for school. So

496
00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:05,880
Speaker 1: that's a different story. Okay, Well to me, it's the same.

497
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 1: Keep going. It's fascinating. But I like that. You heard

498
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:14,800
Speaker 1: I ship myself. By the way, when you talk, that's

499
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:22,240
Speaker 1: all I hear. Okay, keep going. I don't know what

500
00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:26,240
Speaker 1: I was even saying. You registered your dad was you know, yeah,

501
00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:28,399
Speaker 1: I know what I was talking about. So I'll go

502
00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 1: back to my so my mom. Okay, so my mom

503
00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,080
Speaker 1: raised five kids by herself, and when she was two

504
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:36,280
Speaker 1: years old, she had cancer, thank you, and she um.

505
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:37,720
Speaker 1: So when she was two years old, they had to

506
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,360
Speaker 1: remove my mom's eye, right, and as she grew up

507
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:42,520
Speaker 1: and she you know, she grows, she had to have

508
00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 1: multiple surgeries on her eye. Anyway, So then when she

509
00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:47,760
Speaker 1: got older and she had five kids, and we never

510
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:49,680
Speaker 1: ever talked about it because of her Irish Catholic. Right,

511
00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 1: you don't talk about any problems, y'all like cover it

512
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:54,360
Speaker 1: with laughter, and we're happy. And we can't even pay

513
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,960
Speaker 1: our rents, right and so, and the heats turned off

514
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,160
Speaker 1: in the winter in Chicago, and we're like, this is

515
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:04,200
Speaker 1: so and so. So she had an extra eye because

516
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 1: she had a glass eye, like Sandy Duncan. She had

517
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 1: an extra sent right, she had an extra eye up

518
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:12,000
Speaker 1: in her drawer, up in her back in her bedroom. Right,

519
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,040
Speaker 1: So we would have friends come over, right, we would

520
00:29:16,080 --> 00:29:20,560
Speaker 1: holding out a glass eyes like calling out the science hoologist. Yeah. Absolutely,

521
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:22,480
Speaker 1: I should have put it on a ring, like on

522
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,680
Speaker 1: a necklace and just worn it around. But anyway, so

523
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:27,320
Speaker 1: she we had she had an extra eye. And we

524
00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:30,280
Speaker 1: went upstairs when she wasn't around when she was out bowling.

525
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:33,800
Speaker 1: Good luck mom bowling and one I like every every

526
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:43,040
Speaker 1: bowl was a spare um. But anyway, so um so

527
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,600
Speaker 1: she so friends would come over and we'd take the

528
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:50,360
Speaker 1: eye from upstairs and they knock on the door and

529
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:52,280
Speaker 1: there would be a chain on the door and we

530
00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:59,800
Speaker 1: open it up, and you go, who's there with the eye?

531
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:01,880
Speaker 1: I have to freak the fuck hit. I would freak

532
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,840
Speaker 1: couple of kids out and they just ran home. So

533
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:06,920
Speaker 1: did she have one eye or multiple eyes? She had

534
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:08,880
Speaker 1: one eye and I'm not even kidding she would she

535
00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:10,840
Speaker 1: had one ever since I was born. She would sleep

536
00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:12,440
Speaker 1: like this, I'm not even kidding. She would sleep like

537
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:21,960
Speaker 1: this like that and be like mom, mom, Mom, mom,

538
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:27,480
Speaker 1: m mom. Like I didn't know if she was sleeping

539
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,719
Speaker 1: or awake or what. And then she'd be and then

540
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,760
Speaker 1: she'd wake up. She'd like this, she'd be like this,

541
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 1: and she'd wake up roun and I go, I'm thirsty,

542
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:42,480
Speaker 1: and she's like she'd be like really, and then go

543
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 1: back to sleep. I like that. You wake your mom

544
00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,760
Speaker 1: with one eye up because you're thirsty, Go get your

545
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 1: own vodka. Right. But my, that was my mom. She

546
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,719
Speaker 1: was She was fantastic and she then she um. So

547
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 1: your mom was like a president. I mean, even though

548
00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,000
Speaker 1: she was away all the time and she worked all

549
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: the time, she was president when she was home. Yeah. Yeah,

550
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,160
Speaker 1: I felt the love. I felt very cared for. She

551
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: was the best mom in the whole wide world. She

552
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,040
Speaker 1: started a food bank for the poor and the homeless

553
00:31:07,080 --> 00:31:09,760
Speaker 1: when she was, you know, very young, and and she

554
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:11,720
Speaker 1: did she could. She had an option to get a

555
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:15,560
Speaker 1: job as like a high paying secretary or start a

556
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:18,320
Speaker 1: food bank with a nun. And I was like, take

557
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 1: the fucking high paying job. But she no, I'm kidding.

558
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: But she was like a saint. And she did this

559
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:25,760
Speaker 1: thing and she it's called the Northern Illinois Food Bank.

560
00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:30,840
Speaker 1: It's part of the Second Harvest. Yeah. So she she

561
00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:33,680
Speaker 1: doesn't get a lot of credits. She started that whole thing,

562
00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,600
Speaker 1: and so um she uh. Then she died last year

563
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:42,360
Speaker 1: from Alzheimer's. Thank you, thank you. Yes, I say that

564
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,480
Speaker 1: for the same reason your dad. When your dad passed away,

565
00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:47,080
Speaker 1: it's like you but I was you were so then

566
00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,800
Speaker 1: you were relieved a bit. Yes, absolutely, so was she.

567
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:52,240
Speaker 1: I'm sure. And so now you have to joke about it,

568
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,920
Speaker 1: because if you don't laugh about it, you crying. I

569
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:56,680
Speaker 1: was in therapy for a year or two years about

570
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, am I being a good enough son

571
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: for my mom who has Alzheimer's trying to take care

572
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 1: of her? I don't know. And you cry every day

573
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 1: and you're like, oh my god, there you know, you're

574
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,200
Speaker 1: more in the death of your mom's spirit before her body,

575
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 1: so you cry about that. There's two deaths with Alzheimer's.

576
00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 1: There's the death of the person and the death of

577
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:16,080
Speaker 1: the actual body. And so I was mourning my mom

578
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,880
Speaker 1: dying all the time. And then once you get over that,

579
00:32:19,000 --> 00:32:21,600
Speaker 1: you realize you're caring for this person who you still

580
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,520
Speaker 1: love but isn't necessarily still the same person you knew.

581
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:27,160
Speaker 1: You start to find the humor and you start to laugh.

582
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,720
Speaker 1: So I would go into her room and she would

583
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:32,440
Speaker 1: there would be a giant turd in the toilet, and

584
00:32:32,480 --> 00:32:35,400
Speaker 1: I'd be like, Mom, what do you have to She

585
00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 1: she goes, I don't know who did that. That is

586
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,800
Speaker 1: somebody comes in. I'm I'm him to God, somebody came

587
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 1: in here and pooped in my toilet. It is They

588
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:50,000
Speaker 1: are turred. It is not my turd. And I was like, okay,

589
00:32:50,040 --> 00:32:52,160
Speaker 1: well let's go come with me. We're gonna flush the

590
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:56,360
Speaker 1: other person's turn down the toilet. So it's all hilarious.

591
00:32:56,720 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 1: It is funny, I mean, in those moments are funny,

592
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,480
Speaker 1: like they are so heartbreaking. My mom was in hospice

593
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: for six or seven days, and my brothers and sisters

594
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:05,880
Speaker 1: were all sleeping on those like little cots that they

595
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,920
Speaker 1: pull in, and my mom was not conscious or with

596
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,280
Speaker 1: it at all. She was just there to die and

597
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,400
Speaker 1: they would just give her more fine and stop feeding her.

598
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,760
Speaker 1: And you're so like, you know, you're just sitting there

599
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 1: like watching someone die. And we're lying on a cot

600
00:33:19,080 --> 00:33:21,040
Speaker 1: one night, and it was the night before my mom died,

601
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:24,520
Speaker 1: and my brother Glenn, who's really sarcastic and perverted, was

602
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,760
Speaker 1: lying next to me, and my sister Shoshana and my

603
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: brother Roy were on the cots across the room. And

604
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:33,000
Speaker 1: he went and put his hand on mine. I go, stop,

605
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:35,200
Speaker 1: what are you doing? And he goes, how long do

606
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:42,480
Speaker 1: you think Roy and Shoshana I've been sleeping together? That's

607
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,000
Speaker 1: really funny. And my sister summoned at a chair like

608
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,960
Speaker 1: Clinty just so disgusting. But it's like in those moments

609
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 1: that's all you have to hold onto because if you're

610
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:54,640
Speaker 1: not laughing, you're dying too. You know. You just want

611
00:33:54,680 --> 00:33:57,520
Speaker 1: to be some relief from the pain and from the exhaustion.

612
00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,720
Speaker 1: Because I think a lot of people, and I think

613
00:33:59,720 --> 00:34:01,360
Speaker 1: what you're saying is true. I think a lot of

614
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,040
Speaker 1: people when they go through or they lose somebody, they're

615
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:08,319
Speaker 1: so feel guilty for being it's no fun to see

616
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:10,439
Speaker 1: someone die that's not how they want us to see

617
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,080
Speaker 1: them either or remember them. It's worse for us. So

618
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 1: it is a relief when somebody who's suffering dies. It's

619
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,480
Speaker 1: much different if somebody snatch out of your life. You know,

620
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 1: that sometimes can be unrecoverable. But I think when somebody

621
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 1: dies slowly, you know, when they finally go, you're like,

622
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,560
Speaker 1: thank you. I mean, it's just selfish to be anything else.

623
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:30,680
Speaker 1: I think people think be saying that is bad. It's like, no,

624
00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:36,560
Speaker 1: it's compassionate. Yeah, I think they'll too. My mom another

625
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 1: really fast one was I took her out for pizza

626
00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,600
Speaker 1: one night or her favorite pizza place, and I parked

627
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:44,880
Speaker 1: the car and I we were waiting to cross the

628
00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 1: busy street to get to the pizza place and start

629
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:50,560
Speaker 1: of standing there waiting for the cars to clear before

630
00:34:50,560 --> 00:34:52,840
Speaker 1: we crossed, and I hit the lock button on the

631
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,600
Speaker 1: car and it goes, and my mom thought it was

632
00:34:55,640 --> 00:35:00,759
Speaker 1: a car patch. She goes up yours, up yours? Like

633
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:06,719
Speaker 1: who says up yours? Right? Who does? Say? Nobody? Yeah?

634
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:10,480
Speaker 1: And one time there was the gas station was being uh,

635
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:12,640
Speaker 1: you know, robbed up the street from us, and she goes,

636
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:14,880
Speaker 1: did you hear there's a stick up at the gas station,

637
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:19,040
Speaker 1: A stick up from the night from night, what are

638
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:22,880
Speaker 1: you from? Spider Man? In my I was going to

639
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,920
Speaker 1: tell you the story about my dad and vodka. So

640
00:35:24,960 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 1: my parents didn't drink, and so and my brothers and sisters.

641
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,680
Speaker 1: I'm youngest of six, so when I grew up, my

642
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:33,000
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters drink a little, but not like I

643
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:38,680
Speaker 1: drank or drink and um. And so my father we

644
00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:41,160
Speaker 1: would fight, and you know, we hated each other. Fight

645
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 1: with my dad. I lived with my brother for a

646
00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,319
Speaker 1: year because I hated my dad so much. I just

647
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:47,000
Speaker 1: thought he was like the devil. And he was a

648
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,960
Speaker 1: used car dealer, so he was kind of a shyster

649
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,840
Speaker 1: and a liar and you know, and so I just

650
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,799
Speaker 1: was like, I hate you. And then finally I went

651
00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,279
Speaker 1: to move to California. I came back. I flew home

652
00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:58,800
Speaker 1: to New Jersey, and I drove to Martha's vineyard, the

653
00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:00,680
Speaker 1: five hour drive that we would go to the summer

654
00:36:00,719 --> 00:36:02,759
Speaker 1: house every year. That makes us sound like we were rich.

655
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:04,239
Speaker 1: We weren't rich. I don't know how my dug at

656
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:07,440
Speaker 1: that fucking house. So I come home one summer and

657
00:36:07,520 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: I he picked me up from the airport and we

658
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 1: stopped at one of those. We had to drive up

659
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:14,200
Speaker 1: to Martha's Vinior to the ferry boat, and we stopped

660
00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 1: at one of those, uh you know, McDonald's rest stops,

661
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:18,279
Speaker 1: and he was him and my mom in this like

662
00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,000
Speaker 1: dirty gross caravan that they drove, this dodge gold caravan

663
00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:26,120
Speaker 1: with like McDonald's breakfast sandwich is stuck there from I

664
00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,160
Speaker 1: mean it was. My parents were just like not, I'm

665
00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: up and up, you know, and I wanted to. I wanted.

666
00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:32,799
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm going to grow up and get

667
00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:37,479
Speaker 1: cleaning ladies, like this is mayhem, you know, so life

668
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,480
Speaker 1: the first time I had any success, I'm like, I

669
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:42,200
Speaker 1: need a landscaper and a cleaning lady. I don't want

670
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,600
Speaker 1: any trouble and a nanny. I don't know for who

671
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:50,520
Speaker 1: but me. Um and he we stopped. We stopped at McDonald's,

672
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:52,799
Speaker 1: and I was grossed out that they were, you know,

673
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:54,479
Speaker 1: because I moved to l A. I'm like, I don't

674
00:36:54,520 --> 00:36:57,120
Speaker 1: do that anymore. And my dad's like, oh, sweetie, really

675
00:36:57,160 --> 00:36:58,719
Speaker 1: you're not gonna have McDonald's because you've been living in

676
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:02,600
Speaker 1: l A for two months. And we sat and I

677
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:05,120
Speaker 1: was so annoyed and irritated. I was like grossed out

678
00:37:05,120 --> 00:37:06,719
Speaker 1: by them. You know, I was in that phase. I

679
00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:09,799
Speaker 1: was twenty two, maybe twenty one, and had been away

680
00:37:09,800 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 1: from them long enough to miss them, but not long

681
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:15,640
Speaker 1: enough to still be annoyed by them. And I remember

682
00:37:15,640 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: we sat down to McDonald's and he took my egg

683
00:37:18,239 --> 00:37:21,880
Speaker 1: out of my McMuffin and separated the carbs from the protein,

684
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:25,200
Speaker 1: and I look, I mean, that's the way of the

685
00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:29,920
Speaker 1: world's sister, And I was like I always been paying attention.

686
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:31,680
Speaker 1: And then he took out like a cheap bottle of

687
00:37:31,760 --> 00:37:33,520
Speaker 1: vodka in a paper bag and put it on the

688
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,839
Speaker 1: table and go, sweetie, if we know this whole time,

689
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,600
Speaker 1: if we knew this whole time, all you needed was

690
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,360
Speaker 1: a little vodka, we would have given it to you

691
00:37:39,360 --> 00:37:45,120
Speaker 1: when you were six, because like, this is your mood stabilizer.

692
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:48,239
Speaker 1: We understand you now, right, So now you go, I'll

693
00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:51,000
Speaker 1: have the number three with vodka. Yeah, I finally. I

694
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:53,000
Speaker 1: mean in that moment, obviously I wasn't gonna drink that

695
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:57,120
Speaker 1: vodka because I didn't understand the brand. But I in

696
00:37:57,239 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 1: that moment, I was like, oh, I have parents. In

697
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 1: that ridiculous moment, I'm like they finally hear me and

698
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:06,600
Speaker 1: see me and pay attention to me. So you talk

699
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:08,040
Speaker 1: about in the book a lot of a lot of

700
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:10,840
Speaker 1: the times it's hard to relate to your mom because

701
00:38:10,880 --> 00:38:12,680
Speaker 1: she was so sweet. She was she didn't have the

702
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: vim and vigor that you had and you wish she had,

703
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:18,800
Speaker 1: And so was it hard to relate to her growing up? Yeah,

704
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:21,200
Speaker 1: it was really My mom was really she was German,

705
00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:24,200
Speaker 1: but not like you know, archetypal or yeah, she wasn't

706
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:28,440
Speaker 1: archetypal German. She was like, uh, sweet and like the

707
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:31,400
Speaker 1: opposite of what I'm doing, you know, like shy and

708
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:41,640
Speaker 1: demurror and later what Germans are known for rights sweet, unassuming,

709
00:38:42,239 --> 00:38:47,160
Speaker 1: um she and she was really quiet, and I was

710
00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 1: so strong and fierce and like I thought that was

711
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,319
Speaker 1: my thing, Like that was my personality, that was who

712
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:54,160
Speaker 1: I was. I didn't think it was because of an

713
00:38:54,160 --> 00:38:56,920
Speaker 1: incident in my life. I didn't think because my brother

714
00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 1: died when I was nine years old that I became

715
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,600
Speaker 1: this person. I thought I was up born this way.

716
00:39:01,719 --> 00:39:04,360
Speaker 1: I'm a fighter, you know, I'm an independent woman. I

717
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:06,080
Speaker 1: don't need a man, I don't need a baby, I

718
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,000
Speaker 1: don't need anything. I'm gonna do this my way, and

719
00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:09,960
Speaker 1: I'm never going to rely on a human being in

720
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 1: my life again. Because my brother when I was nine

721
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:15,759
Speaker 1: years old, said he would come back. He was going

722
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:17,880
Speaker 1: on vacation and he'd come back to Martha's vineyard in

723
00:39:17,920 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 1: a week. And he never came back. He died. So you,

724
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:23,600
Speaker 1: immediately at nine years old have trust issues. Yeah, immediately,

725
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:26,040
Speaker 1: that is the blueprint for you as an adult, Like

726
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:29,120
Speaker 1: you stopped growing at that age when you were that small,

727
00:39:29,160 --> 00:39:32,400
Speaker 1: I have the exact same thing. Yeah, I mean I

728
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: didn't have any family. Remember my dad leaving when I

729
00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:37,680
Speaker 1: was five? How did did he say goodbye? I remember

730
00:39:37,719 --> 00:39:42,720
Speaker 1: my dad coming. I remember him slamming uh the oven

731
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:44,839
Speaker 1: door because he made something, just came home to eat

732
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,440
Speaker 1: something to eat and didn't speak to anybody. And then

733
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:51,759
Speaker 1: he was leaving the family, and my mom said, I

734
00:39:52,280 --> 00:39:55,239
Speaker 1: remember it so vividly. She said, aren't you even going

735
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:57,560
Speaker 1: to say goodbye to your kids? And he literally went

736
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:00,960
Speaker 1: and he turned to around and gave me like the

737
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:05,000
Speaker 1: most idiotic club and then he left and I watched

738
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,840
Speaker 1: him drive away, and I was like, I didn't know

739
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:09,760
Speaker 1: what to do with that. I was five years old,

740
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: and but I remember it still vividly, and then it

741
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,320
Speaker 1: sticks with you forever, and then you don't trust people,

742
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:17,080
Speaker 1: and then, like we talked about before, you have trust

743
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,880
Speaker 1: issues about like you test people. You test people for

744
00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:23,520
Speaker 1: the rest of your life, Like I'm going to test

745
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:25,600
Speaker 1: you to see if you'll stick around and I can

746
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:27,520
Speaker 1: trust you. Yeah, and if you and if I can

747
00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,400
Speaker 1: trust you, I'll find a reason not to trust you,

748
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:31,600
Speaker 1: and then you'll be out anyway. That's right. And it's

749
00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:34,040
Speaker 1: a stupid, stupid cycle until you become aware of it.

750
00:40:34,480 --> 00:40:38,200
Speaker 1: And I am, which is in your book, Well, yeah,

751
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 1: identify it. Identify that your reaction to somebody is like, oh,

752
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:45,800
Speaker 1: like my psychiatrist was like, I am, he has acronyms

753
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:47,840
Speaker 1: for everything. I'm like, I'm going to shove an acronym

754
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,399
Speaker 1: up your ass by the end of this. So it's

755
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:54,000
Speaker 1: identification awareness modification. Because I have a problem with patients,

756
00:40:54,040 --> 00:40:56,200
Speaker 1: like I think people are stupid and I can't deal

757
00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:58,400
Speaker 1: with them, and everyone annoys me, and I'm in a

758
00:40:58,440 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 1: constant state of agitation. And I told him this, and

759
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,520
Speaker 1: I said, I don't know everyone annoys me. I just

760
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:10,640
Speaker 1: want everyone to shut the funk up. Okay, Well, this

761
00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:14,960
Speaker 1: sounds like a good time to take a break. Did

762
00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:19,400
Speaker 1: your experience with your parents growing up affect you not

763
00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:23,960
Speaker 1: wanting to have kids. Yeah, I mean I'm like, they

764
00:41:23,960 --> 00:41:25,480
Speaker 1: have six kids and they don't know what the funk

765
00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,640
Speaker 1: they're doing. So, like I, first of all growing up

766
00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:30,680
Speaker 1: in a big family. I don't know if you feel

767
00:41:30,680 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 1: this way. I think you do, but I would only

768
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:36,480
Speaker 1: have six kids, like I would want a full house

769
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,399
Speaker 1: because my brothers and sisters are the ones who kind

770
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,680
Speaker 1: of raised me. And I think you feel that your

771
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 1: brothers and sisters, everybody was on their own, right, Yeah,

772
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:47,120
Speaker 1: we kind of parented ourselves. Yeah, so I was parented

773
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: by my brothers and sisters, so I needed them. And

774
00:41:49,239 --> 00:41:50,960
Speaker 1: so I always like, if I'm gonna have one kid,

775
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:52,680
Speaker 1: i'm gonna have six, and I don't want any. So

776
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:56,000
Speaker 1: let's just get a dog, get a bunch of fake

777
00:41:56,080 --> 00:42:00,320
Speaker 1: chow chouse whose age I'll never know. I'm like, I

778
00:42:00,320 --> 00:42:02,480
Speaker 1: don't wonder where my dog died when he was four,

779
00:42:02,680 --> 00:42:07,480
Speaker 1: because he was seventeen. And you know, I wrote and

780
00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:09,360
Speaker 1: I go off on vets in this book, and in

781
00:42:09,440 --> 00:42:12,080
Speaker 1: like a jocular way, I'm not seriously like attacking them.

782
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:14,759
Speaker 1: I think it's ethical and nice and moral that those

783
00:42:14,760 --> 00:42:17,239
Speaker 1: aren't the right words. But like they have a nice job.

784
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 1: That's good that they're a vet. But I really you

785
00:42:19,320 --> 00:42:22,680
Speaker 1: cannot get a straight answer from a veterinarian. There's never

786
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:25,239
Speaker 1: any black or white. It's always like, well, you could

787
00:42:25,239 --> 00:42:30,160
Speaker 1: operate or you could not. And you're like, which one

788
00:42:30,200 --> 00:42:34,120
Speaker 1: do you suggest? It's really up to you. It's like,

789
00:42:34,200 --> 00:42:36,040
Speaker 1: we could give you a real medication or you could

790
00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:39,840
Speaker 1: take CBD. I'm like, do you have a preference. He's like, again,

791
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:43,399
Speaker 1: your decision. I'm like, hey, buddy, I'm not a fucking vet.

792
00:42:43,480 --> 00:42:47,200
Speaker 1: You are. Me and Scotty, my husband, Scotty, we had

793
00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 1: a couple of Austrian shepherds and one of them, his

794
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:52,640
Speaker 1: name is Buzzy, and he started having camp. Well, he

795
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:54,839
Speaker 1: started bleeding out of his nose, so like, oh my god,

796
00:42:54,840 --> 00:42:57,680
Speaker 1: we gotta rushian. I like the phrase started having cancer, right,

797
00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 1: he started cancer starts totally. Really, I started having cancer

798
00:43:01,520 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 1: and then my life went to ship. I can't imagine why.

799
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:08,480
Speaker 1: And so he started bleeding out of his nose and

800
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,800
Speaker 1: we took him the same thing. The guys like, m M,

801
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:13,680
Speaker 1: I don't know, he's probably maybe just got maybe got

802
00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:16,320
Speaker 1: a cut from the fence or something, It's like okay,

803
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:18,840
Speaker 1: and then like three months later, a little part of

804
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:21,959
Speaker 1: his nose was gone, and I was like, I don't.

805
00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:24,440
Speaker 1: I don't. I've seen pictures of dogs and I don't

806
00:43:24,480 --> 00:43:28,719
Speaker 1: think that's normal. So she, uh, what was they saying? Oh?

807
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 1: So then the cancer just completely started eating his nose away.

808
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:33,360
Speaker 1: And then the doctor's like, well, you could do chemo

809
00:43:33,520 --> 00:43:36,520
Speaker 1: or you could not do chemo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's

810
00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:39,080
Speaker 1: very vague, and like I don't like vague. I like, like,

811
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:41,840
Speaker 1: you know, like I like data. I want science. I

812
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 1: don't want like obscure ship. I like, like, that's why

813
00:43:45,200 --> 00:43:47,160
Speaker 1: my therapist was so good, because he was talking about

814
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:49,839
Speaker 1: brains and like in a scientific way, and he's like, oh,

815
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:51,960
Speaker 1: the migdala hippocampus. I was like, yeah, yeah, I can

816
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,239
Speaker 1: get on board with that, pretending like I wasn't. I

817
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:56,120
Speaker 1: was there to learn when all I was there there

818
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:57,640
Speaker 1: to test him out, to see if he was a

819
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:01,160
Speaker 1: decent enough therapist that I could actually talk to, Like,

820
00:44:01,280 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 1: let's talk about your childhood. I was like, no, my

821
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:06,239
Speaker 1: brother died, my mother died, my father will hopefully be

822
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:09,480
Speaker 1: dead by the time this year is over. Because I

823
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:14,640
Speaker 1: just kept living and living and living. It's yeah, yeah, relief.

824
00:44:14,680 --> 00:44:16,319
Speaker 1: I mean my dad I was. I mean, it's so

825
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:20,799
Speaker 1: mean that we keep people alive like that, horribly, so disgraceful.

826
00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,960
Speaker 1: They don't feel dignified. Listen to this. I called some

827
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:26,080
Speaker 1: place in Illinois. I was when I was in l A.

828
00:44:26,280 --> 00:44:28,720
Speaker 1: I called some place in Illinois and to find out

829
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:31,799
Speaker 1: the laws about the right to die. You know those

830
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:33,840
Speaker 1: to die right. You can do it in Oregon, you

831
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:38,600
Speaker 1: can um California. Like, if you were diagnosed with a

832
00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:43,520
Speaker 1: determinal terminal disease, don't you want to be put down? Yes? Absolutely,

833
00:44:43,600 --> 00:44:45,480
Speaker 1: I do too, And I want to be put down

834
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 1: even if I'm diagnosed with like a mediocre disease like

835
00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:51,600
Speaker 1: I do. I'm fucking wiped out, you know what I mean, bronchitis,

836
00:44:51,680 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 1: I am out. Yeah, just put me down. And my

837
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:57,960
Speaker 1: sister is like, we're gonna if you get cancer, God forbid,

838
00:44:58,000 --> 00:44:59,399
Speaker 1: we're gonna fight it. I'm like, what do you mean,

839
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:05,040
Speaker 1: we so tros fuck you any anything. I don't want

840
00:45:05,040 --> 00:45:08,000
Speaker 1: to fight it. I just want to go. It's fair.

841
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:14,120
Speaker 1: Most you said that you have patience problems too, Yeah,

842
00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:21,839
Speaker 1: like sitting through that story, my patience of that part

843
00:45:21,880 --> 00:45:24,160
Speaker 1: of that is in the book I Love No Wait,

844
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:27,520
Speaker 1: but patients problems like and these are privileged problems. And

845
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 1: I'm aware of my privilege. Believe me. I just had

846
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:31,560
Speaker 1: a documentary about it. I'm so embarrassed that I might

847
00:45:31,600 --> 00:45:33,760
Speaker 1: have to move and leave the country because of my privilege.

848
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:37,680
Speaker 1: And what we don't realize that. Yeah, it's coming out

849
00:45:37,719 --> 00:45:39,880
Speaker 1: in the fall and it's called hello privilege. It's me

850
00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: Chelsea um. But a lot of us don't really understand

851
00:45:44,960 --> 00:45:47,239
Speaker 1: the privilege we have when we're you know, white. You

852
00:45:47,239 --> 00:45:48,920
Speaker 1: don't get it because you don't see it. Like I

853
00:45:48,960 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 1: just thought. I thought for everything, and I worked really

854
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,319
Speaker 1: hard in my life and I deserved it, like I did.

855
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,279
Speaker 1: Never think, oh, wait, what would a girl of color

856
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:58,280
Speaker 1: have done in my situation? Talking about drinking, being rewarded

857
00:45:58,320 --> 00:46:01,120
Speaker 1: for drug use and sleeping around like that just doesn't

858
00:46:01,400 --> 00:46:04,560
Speaker 1: That wouldn't have been the same thing. And so thinking

859
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:07,680
Speaker 1: about that is important for all of us because it

860
00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:10,120
Speaker 1: is a different to be white in this country, in

861
00:46:10,160 --> 00:46:12,719
Speaker 1: the world. It's a completely different experience, and we don't

862
00:46:12,719 --> 00:46:14,719
Speaker 1: think about it enough. And the thing I learned from

863
00:46:14,760 --> 00:46:19,480
Speaker 1: therapy the most is to really understand other people's situations

864
00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:22,560
Speaker 1: and not think that your experience is the norm. Right,

865
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:27,320
Speaker 1: do you feel like it's getting better, like the the

866
00:46:27,320 --> 00:46:30,640
Speaker 1: the handling of the balance of it, or do you

867
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:32,920
Speaker 1: feel it's getting worse or where do you think it's at?

868
00:46:33,719 --> 00:46:36,640
Speaker 1: Because in Hollywood they're doing I think, a really really

869
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:40,120
Speaker 1: great job about hiring women, women of color, um and

870
00:46:40,280 --> 00:46:43,319
Speaker 1: different minorities and what they called diverse. I'm just like,

871
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:46,200
Speaker 1: can't they just be called human beings? Why does everybody

872
00:46:46,239 --> 00:46:49,399
Speaker 1: that's not white have to be diverse? Why they're just

873
00:46:49,480 --> 00:46:52,160
Speaker 1: as equal as anybody else. So I don't know. I mean,

874
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:55,239
Speaker 1: it's a depressing conversation, but it's a necessary one. But

875
00:46:55,320 --> 00:46:58,200
Speaker 1: how do you think we're doing I think Hollywood is

876
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:01,520
Speaker 1: ponying up because they have to, And fine, whatever the

877
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:03,799
Speaker 1: reason is. However you get to the party, that's fine.

878
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:06,239
Speaker 1: I think I don't care about people's motives as much

879
00:47:06,239 --> 00:47:09,800
Speaker 1: as I care about the action, which I think is important.

880
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:11,960
Speaker 1: But I think it's more of a responsibility for the

881
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:14,640
Speaker 1: people who will have privilege to wake the funk up

882
00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:17,040
Speaker 1: and understand that you have a responsibility to people who

883
00:47:17,040 --> 00:47:20,040
Speaker 1: don't have privilege and stick your neck out. Don't say

884
00:47:20,040 --> 00:47:22,960
Speaker 1: you're not getting involved, get involved. You have to get involved,

885
00:47:23,480 --> 00:47:25,600
Speaker 1: you know, like people fought for years and years for

886
00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:27,680
Speaker 1: us to have rights, for women to have rights, and

887
00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:30,520
Speaker 1: to not act out on behalf of another community that's

888
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:33,839
Speaker 1: been marginalized, or your own community is disrespectful to every

889
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:38,719
Speaker 1: single person before you. Yes, absolutely, Um, I think people

890
00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:41,440
Speaker 1: are willing and ready enable, Like people are galvanized now,

891
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:44,240
Speaker 1: Like we were a little bit sleepy and people got comfortable,

892
00:47:44,400 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: myself included. I thought, oh, Barack Obama was the president,

893
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 1: racism is over. Hillary Clinton is going to be the

894
00:47:49,719 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 1: next president, so feminism is cool too, Like how I

895
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:55,759
Speaker 1: can really party Before we get off, I want to

896
00:47:55,760 --> 00:47:58,000
Speaker 1: read a little passage. So these bracelets I'm wearing are

897
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:00,840
Speaker 1: called they say they're not called anything that say I decide,

898
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:02,920
Speaker 1: and their T shirts that say I decide. All the

899
00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: proceeds go to l g B t Q I A sure,

900
00:48:06,560 --> 00:48:10,520
Speaker 1: which I believe should just be que It's too exhausting.

901
00:48:11,600 --> 00:48:13,480
Speaker 1: It is a lot of letters, but you know we're

902
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:16,120
Speaker 1: just trying to respect it. You know me too, But

903
00:48:16,239 --> 00:48:27,239
Speaker 1: I am one and I just be cue. On the

904
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:32,040
Speaker 1: subject of um, death and loss and grief, I think

905
00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:35,160
Speaker 1: everybody in this room has probably been affected by somebody

906
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:39,720
Speaker 1: dying or well, yeah, you have been. And I didn't

907
00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:41,799
Speaker 1: take that issue seriously for a long time in my

908
00:48:41,840 --> 00:48:44,320
Speaker 1: life because I was successful. I had a great career,

909
00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:47,319
Speaker 1: I had everything. I had lots of success, and if

910
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:50,399
Speaker 1: you define that by materialism, I had at all. And

911
00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 1: I didn't ever think I had the right to be

912
00:48:52,600 --> 00:48:54,440
Speaker 1: upset about anything. And I didn't want to go to

913
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:57,040
Speaker 1: therapy because I thought that was a narcissistic And so

914
00:48:57,080 --> 00:48:59,719
Speaker 1: when I finally was when I had to go to

915
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:02,840
Speaker 1: their therapy because I was so angry about the election,

916
00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:07,440
Speaker 1: and my therapist explained to me why I was really angry. Um,

917
00:49:07,560 --> 00:49:09,799
Speaker 1: I kind of unlocked my brain for the first time

918
00:49:09,840 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 1: as an adult, and UM, I realized that I was

919
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:19,600
Speaker 1: allowing my brother's death to define my entire existence. Karen,

920
00:49:19,640 --> 00:49:21,040
Speaker 1: do you know what page this is on that I'm

921
00:49:21,040 --> 00:49:24,719
Speaker 1: looking for? I have Sean's book. I forgot mine, and

922
00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:27,440
Speaker 1: it's where the wild things are. Okay, yeah, here it is.

923
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 1: You're gonna get up so you can look at my

924
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:31,680
Speaker 1: ask Shawn, hold on, let me get my camel toe out.

925
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:36,200
Speaker 1: I keep it's like my vagina is getting bigger. Hold on.

926
00:49:38,160 --> 00:49:41,120
Speaker 1: I didn't know then that my brother's death was defining me.

927
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:43,719
Speaker 1: I didn't know that I had the ability to say

928
00:49:43,800 --> 00:49:46,560
Speaker 1: no to being defined by death. Now I was with

929
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:49,799
Speaker 1: a person, my psychiatrist, who could help me process what

930
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:52,239
Speaker 1: happened and turned the parts of me that acted like

931
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:55,440
Speaker 1: a nine year old into a self actualized adult who

932
00:49:55,440 --> 00:49:58,200
Speaker 1: had come to a better understanding of what it means

933
00:49:58,239 --> 00:50:00,480
Speaker 1: to dig deep and admit that you are in pain,

934
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:04,520
Speaker 1: thereby beginning the process of relinquishing your pain. I was

935
00:50:04,560 --> 00:50:07,600
Speaker 1: in a place where my brother dying no longer how

936
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:11,560
Speaker 1: to define my existence. It's part of who I am,

937
00:50:11,560 --> 00:50:14,600
Speaker 1: perhaps the biggest part, and it may have helped steer

938
00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:17,040
Speaker 1: me in a certain direction, but it is not all

939
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:21,279
Speaker 1: of me. I defined me. No event or person does this.

940
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:24,920
Speaker 1: I define me. I decide who I am and how

941
00:50:24,960 --> 00:50:27,640
Speaker 1: I'm going to behave and I choose to be better

942
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:31,160
Speaker 1: to look at myself more carefully, to trudge deeper, to

943
00:50:31,280 --> 00:50:34,640
Speaker 1: think about other people's pasts, and not judge someone for

944
00:50:34,760 --> 00:50:38,759
Speaker 1: doing or handling something differently than I would, To understand

945
00:50:38,800 --> 00:50:43,160
Speaker 1: my limitations, my shortcomings. That is my growth edge. I

946
00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:46,319
Speaker 1: decide who I am. Thank you guys for coming to

947
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:52,480
Speaker 1: the Late Show in Chicago, and thank you to my boyfriend. Okay,

948
00:50:52,920 --> 00:50:54,640
Speaker 1: We have added dates to my stand up tour. They

949
00:50:54,800 --> 00:50:57,880
Speaker 1: are available on Chelsea Handler dot com or live nation

950
00:50:57,920 --> 00:50:59,520
Speaker 1: dot com and the book is Life Will Be the

951
00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:02,239
Speaker 1: Death of Me. Thank you for listening. Brand Did you

952
00:51:02,280 --> 00:51:05,359
Speaker 1: have anything you'd like to add about I don't know

953
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:07,480
Speaker 1: the LGBT. Oh, we should add that all of our

954
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:09,279
Speaker 1: proceeds for the l g B t Q I a

955
00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:12,200
Speaker 1: true colors. We donated all of our T shirt and

956
00:51:12,480 --> 00:51:15,239
Speaker 1: bracelet proceeds from the first half of Life will Be

957
00:51:15,280 --> 00:51:17,000
Speaker 1: the Death of Me tour. What I do have something

958
00:51:17,040 --> 00:51:18,640
Speaker 1: to say? I finally made it out to a live

959
00:51:18,680 --> 00:51:21,520
Speaker 1: show and it was incredible. So anyone who has knock

960
00:51:21,520 --> 00:51:23,719
Speaker 1: gotten their tickets yet for any of the upcoming stand

961
00:51:23,760 --> 00:51:27,200
Speaker 1: up dates, good night, Thank you. Life will Be the

962
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:29,000
Speaker 1: Death of Me as a production of I Heart Radio.

963
00:51:29,160 --> 00:51:31,279
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from my heart Radio, visit the i

964
00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:34,400
Speaker 1: heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

965
00:51:34,440 --> 00:51:35,240
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.