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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. We need

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Speaker 1: to diversify our love, our connections, our happiness. Yes, because

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Speaker 1: you just don't want to feel like you're alone, right

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Speaker 1: like you need one person to ful feel all these

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Speaker 1: needs for you. I think it's important for us to

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Speaker 1: diversify that and have multiple places where we can get support, love, affection,

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Speaker 1: and all that good stuff, even if it's not in

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Speaker 1: a sexual nature.

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Speaker 2: Hey lady, have you ever felt like the world just

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Speaker 2: doesn't get you? Well?

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Speaker 1: We do. Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated

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Speaker 1: to uplifting and empowering women like you.

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Speaker 2: We're your hosts, Doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.

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Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black

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Speaker 2: women to just b.

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Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow

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Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady.

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Speaker 1: We are black founded and black owned, and your support

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Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you.

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Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.

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Speaker 3: Hey lady, it's doctor dom here. From the Cultivating her

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Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state

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Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so,

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Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.

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Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q

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Speaker 3: U E B R O U ss ar D dot

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Speaker 3: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

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Speaker 3: forward to hearing from you.

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Speaker 2: Our quote of the day Now, lady, this is a

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Speaker 2: long one, so listen in. If you love a flower,

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Speaker 2: don't pick it up because if you pick it up,

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Speaker 2: it dies and it ceases to be what you love. So,

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Speaker 2: if you love a flower and let it be, love

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Speaker 2: is not about possession. Love is about appreciation. That quote

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Speaker 2: comes to us from Oh Show. Now I'm going to

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Speaker 2: read it again because I was a long one and

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Speaker 2: I want to make sure you really take it in.

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Speaker 2: If you love a flower, don't pick it up because

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Speaker 2: if you pick it up, it dies and ceases to

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Speaker 2: be what you love. So if you love a flower,

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Speaker 2: let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is

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Speaker 2: about appreciation. Who see you know the next question?

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Speaker 1: What's their girl? What's the question?

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Speaker 2: What comes up for you when you hear that.

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Speaker 1: Quote girl so much. Okay, So as you said it,

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Speaker 1: I was like, what am I going to say? I

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Speaker 1: was thinking about the feeling it gave me. And you

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Speaker 1: know what it makes me think about, tom It makes

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Speaker 1: me think about those situations where I feel like I

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Speaker 1: often hear this with guys right where they meet a

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Speaker 1: woman that they really like and all the qualities that

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Speaker 1: attracted them to her. So whether she's like outgoing and

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Speaker 1: she does a lot in her life, those tend to

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Speaker 1: be the qualities that they sometimes can try to change

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Speaker 1: when they get with her, and then she kind of

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Speaker 1: doesn't become She's not her true self anymore. She's kind

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Speaker 1: of morphed into a different person. And so it makes

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Speaker 1: me just remember the importance of letting people be who

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Speaker 1: they are, show up as they want to show up,

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Speaker 1: Just be themselves fully even as you have, even as

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Speaker 1: you are in relationship with them, and not trying to

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Speaker 1: change people. And y'all, I know there are various people

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Speaker 1: that try to change people in relationships. That was just

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Speaker 1: the first example that came too because I had personal

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Speaker 1: experience with that where a guy was like, oh, I

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Speaker 1: like it so much and then tried to change they're like,

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Speaker 1: don't try to change me. You know what I mean?

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Speaker 1: This is what attracted to attracted you to me. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's what makes me think about dow What about you, girl?

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Speaker 2: Well, first, I like that you pointed that out because

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Speaker 2: I think it'll come up. It is going to show

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Speaker 2: up again later on in this episode when we talk

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Speaker 2: about like codependence and unhealthy dynamics, because to me, that's yeah,

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Speaker 2: that what you were describing me. That's an unhealthy relationship

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Speaker 2: dynamic and it's a sign that this is not the

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Speaker 2: person for you. Right. But I think this going back

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Speaker 2: to the quote of the day, like what it was

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Speaker 2: specifically talking about that peace around love is not about possession.

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Speaker 2: So I don't own you, you don't own me. That means

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Speaker 2: you can't control me. I can't control you. And love

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Speaker 2: is about appreciation, So that means that I value and

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Speaker 2: I uplift and encourage and celebrate all of who you

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Speaker 2: are and what you bring to the table, and then

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Speaker 2: you do the same for me.

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Speaker 1: Girl, you just made me think of another episode topic.

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Speaker 1: Let me just say what came up as you shared that.

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Speaker 1: So I thought about the way that jealousy is often

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Speaker 1: mut in relationships like I've been in relationships where jealousy,

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Speaker 1: like we see jealousy is cute, like, oh, it's so cute,

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Speaker 1: like this person is so jealous they want me so bad, right,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, oh, you've seen I'm

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Speaker 1: sure you've seen that as well.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I've seen it. My younger self would be with it,

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Speaker 2: and my ladder like my older self is like my

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Speaker 2: older self insteacially made a face as.

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Speaker 1: You say, that's what you've been there, right, That's why

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Speaker 1: I made That's why I said that, y'all dominated face

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Speaker 1: like mm hmm. But yeah, this jealousy can oponent where's like,

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Speaker 1: oh it's cute. It's showing that they appreciate me, or

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Speaker 1: that they value me, that they love me. And it

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Speaker 1: also made me think about compersion. Y'all. If you have

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Speaker 1: not heard of the word compersion, look that up. It's

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Speaker 1: often associated with polyamory, and it's the feeling of joy

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Speaker 1: or happiness derived from seeing your partner experience pleasure or happiness.

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Speaker 1: And so I thought that that's what came up as

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Speaker 1: you were sharing your example, was like, you don't own

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Speaker 1: this person, right, So lady, we have a lot to

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Speaker 1: talk about today, Okay, we are diving into a topic

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Speaker 1: that's real for so many of us. We're talking about

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Speaker 1: how to balance independence and intimacy in a relationship. Right,

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Speaker 1: how do you stay you while growing with someone else?

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Speaker 1: Because let's be honest, sometimes love can feel like a tightrope. Right,

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Speaker 1: You don't want to lose yourself, but you also want

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Speaker 1: to nurture your connection. So how do you do both?

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Speaker 1: That is the question, and we about to get into it.

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Speaker 1: So don maybe we should start by defining some of

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Speaker 1: these terms that we're going to be using today, just

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Speaker 1: to make sure that we're all on the same you know,

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Speaker 1: the same playing field. We are starting from the same

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Speaker 1: point of reference. So do you want to give us

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Speaker 1: these definitions?

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Speaker 2: Yes? You know me, you know I love to make

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Speaker 2: sure that we are on the same page with our words.

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Speaker 2: Let's operationally define these terms, all right. So our first term,

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Speaker 2: that first word that you'll hear us talking about, is independence,

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Speaker 2: and most people generally have an understanding of what that is.

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Speaker 2: But just so that we're all on the same page,

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Speaker 2: independence is maintaining a strong sense of self, personal goals,

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Speaker 2: and individuality within a relationship. So independence, individuality, Okay, intimacy.

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Speaker 2: I remember watching an episode of Sex and the City

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Speaker 2: and they talked about intimacy and they broke it down

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Speaker 2: to it as into me you see, yes, all right,

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Speaker 2: remember that and so, And to me, that gives a

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Speaker 2: perfect breakdown of what it is. Right, it's fostering deeper connection, vulnerability,

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Speaker 2: and shared experiences with a partner. This next one one

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Speaker 2: that not enough of us pay attention to interdependence. Interdependence

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Speaker 2: or interdependency suggests that partners recognize and value the importance

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Speaker 2: of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid

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Speaker 2: sense of self within the relationship dynamic. So the way

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Speaker 2: to look at it, to visualize it is you have

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Speaker 2: two overlapping circles. On one side you have you. On

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Speaker 2: the other side, you have your partner, and in the

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Speaker 2: middle is the unit.

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Speaker 1: I love that so much. Okay, let me hold up.

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Speaker 1: I'm over here taking notes, madam, So if y'all ask

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Speaker 1: for record, hold up. But so, look when it comes

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Speaker 1: to the independence time. To me, what I heard you

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Speaker 1: say was basically, it's like knowing who you are outside

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Speaker 1: of that relationship and partner. Right, So, like your passion,

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Speaker 1: your dreams, your relationships or yeah, friendships and personal time

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Speaker 1: and I think that a good question you can ask

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Speaker 1: yourself when it comes to independence is like, would I

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Speaker 1: still be happy? Right? But I still know what makes

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Speaker 1: me happy if my partner weren't in the picture. That's

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Speaker 1: a good question to ask, right. You can kind of

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Speaker 1: say like are you feeling about it? And then when

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Speaker 1: you say intimacy, I think sometimes people can just think like,

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Speaker 1: that's the sex, you know, like the sex. But but

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Speaker 1: I feel like intimacy is also like the inside jokes, right,

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Speaker 1: the late night talks, and also the feeling of being

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Speaker 1: seen and understood.

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Speaker 2: Right, Yes, because to me, so in this instance, let

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Speaker 2: me back up, and let's be clear, we're talking about

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Speaker 2: emotional intimacy. When we're talking about this deeper connection and

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Speaker 2: this vulnerability, that's emotional intimacy. Sex is a physical intimacy.

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Speaker 2: There we go, Yeah, And the reality is that sometimes

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Speaker 2: when it comes to sex, there's not much there isn't

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Speaker 2: necessarily a deeper connection. And so in this instance we're yeah,

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Speaker 2: I'm glad you brought that up so that we can

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Speaker 2: clarify for the people that when we say intimacy, we

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Speaker 2: are speaking of emotional intimacy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I love that so much, and I love the

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Speaker 1: visual you painted of interdependence and what that means, because

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Speaker 1: I think that for some people it may be a

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Speaker 1: new term or they just don't use it often. And

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Speaker 1: so right when you said that and you share the visual,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, it makes perfect sense. So I think

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Speaker 1: we I think we're in a good place, y'all to

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Speaker 1: move forward. Right, we got our definition, we defined our terms,

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Speaker 1: and so now let's talk about signs that you might

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Speaker 1: be out of balance when it comes to the relationship. Right,

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Speaker 1: how do you know if you or your partner is

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Speaker 1: off balance in this area? Let's get into it. So,

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Speaker 1: Number one, you feel guilty for taking time for yourself,

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Speaker 1: doal I think in a previous episode I talked about

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna actually I think I have a post

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Speaker 1: coming out about this soon. While I talked about this guy,

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Speaker 1: I wasn't even dating him. We were just talking and

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Speaker 1: this is back in college, and he had made a

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Speaker 1: comment about me cheating on him with myself. I was

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Speaker 1: just like, excuse me, Like what red flag? Red flag? Okay,

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Speaker 1: if y'all should see down space if you're watching the

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Speaker 1: recording on Patreon, okay, because what and my thing is like,

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Speaker 1: if you if you're in a position where you're hesitating

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Speaker 1: to make plans with friends because your partner will feel

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Speaker 1: left out. That's a problem. Or y'all, please don't come

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Speaker 1: from me in the comments, but Dom, as the therapist,

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Speaker 1: I'm want I'm gonna put it on you. Dom, can

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Speaker 1: you tell me what this what this means to you

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Speaker 1: from your perspective, Or if you have a partner and

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Speaker 1: they want to be on the phone with you, on

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Speaker 1: FaceTime with you all day throughout the day as you

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Speaker 1: interact with people. So I'm thinking of a situation where

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Speaker 1: I have a friend who has clients she does hair,

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Speaker 1: and if she has a male client, and this is

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Speaker 1: like she's comfortable, but it's her partner who's like a

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Speaker 1: bit extreme. He wants to be on the phone like

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Speaker 1: in the mix with everything that's going on, and it's

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Speaker 1: like okay, So I'm gonna pass that on over to you.

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Speaker 2: Don So to me, that is a sign that things

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Speaker 2: might be out of balance, because so I want to

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Speaker 2: I do want to acknowledge that what I've observed in

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Speaker 2: the younger generation, like I've seen my nieces do this,

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Speaker 2: that they will be on FaceTime and moving about the

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Speaker 2: house doing all kinds of things like, yeah, like one time,

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Speaker 2: my niece was doing my hair and she's like braiding

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Speaker 2: my hair, and she's got a friend on FaceTime and

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Speaker 2: she and I are in conversation. There's a movie plane

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Speaker 2: on TV. There's a lot happening in the bag, a

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Speaker 2: lot going on. They occasionally say something to each other,

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Speaker 2: but they're just on the phone. Right, And this is

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Speaker 2: not This is not a romantic partner. This is a friend,

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Speaker 2: right and that that wasn't the first time I've noticed

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Speaker 2: that happened, right, this is And so I think the

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Speaker 2: distinction here is when boundaries need to be set.

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Speaker 1: There's an earthquake. I'm so sorry. Do you see my

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Speaker 1: stuff shaking? Oh my gosh, do you see it?

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Speaker 2: Yes, I see it.

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Speaker 1: Do you feel it?

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Speaker 2: I mean I can't feel where I am.

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Speaker 1: Oh, I'm like, Okay, y'all, this was major. My whole

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Speaker 1: building dis shiped. Okay, and the show must go on.

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Speaker 1: This is.

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Speaker 2: This is not the first time this has happened to us. Okay, Okay, California.

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Speaker 1: Living, California live it. Okay, Okay, so you're you're safe.

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Speaker 2: That's not.

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Speaker 1: Yes, it's not an intimate relationship, but they're on.

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Speaker 2: Facebook, it wasn't an intimate relationship. But they're on fake

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Speaker 2: time for hours, right, and they're like they're doing all

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Speaker 2: kinds of activities. They occasionally look at the phone. Half

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Speaker 2: the time they're not even looking at the phone. To me,

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Speaker 2: that's a distinct difference then the example that you gave

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Speaker 2: of the partner who has to be on the phone

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Speaker 2: on FaceTime. To me, if I'm at work and I'm

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Speaker 2: doing my job, like, I don't need you to be

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Speaker 2: on FaceTime with me watching me do my work. It's

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Speaker 2: one thing, and we're in conversation with each other on FaceTime,

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Speaker 2: But to just have the FaceTime set up so that

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Speaker 2: you can watch me or so that it feels like

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Speaker 2: I'm under surveillance, that doesn't feel like a healthy relationship dynamic.

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Speaker 1: The reason I brought that up down is because I

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Speaker 1: do that with some of my friends where we'll be

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Speaker 1: on FaceTime and we just it's like you want to

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Speaker 1: feel this closeness, right, It's like I can't have you

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Speaker 1: here with me because you're far. So we're on FaceTime

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Speaker 1: and we're doing things around the house. We're coming back

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Speaker 1: and forth like you were sharing. But I think that

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Speaker 1: when you get to a position where it's your partner

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Speaker 1: and you feel guilty for like taking time by yourself

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Speaker 1: or for like doing stuff with your client, like doing

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Speaker 1: your clients here or doing your work. That's when I

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Speaker 1: think there's a difference. So I appreciate you providing that insight.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and actually what it would and as we were

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Speaker 2: talking about, the term that comes up is parallel play.

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Speaker 2: So where you're two people in same space, so whether

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Speaker 2: same space is on the phone or in person, same

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Speaker 2: space and you're doing you're doing individual activities and then

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Speaker 2: occasionally you connect and communicate, but it's about the spending

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Speaker 2: time together, right, And so parallel play is different than

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Speaker 2: that need to surveil. Yeah, So then the next sign

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Speaker 2: that comes up is is losing touch with your hobbies,

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Speaker 2: your friends, or your personal goals. I know a number

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Speaker 2: of people self included in past points in life who

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Speaker 2: got into a relationship and the things that became that

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Speaker 2: were once very interesting in a huge aspect of life,

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Speaker 2: the people who you normally spend a lot of time with,

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Speaker 2: and maybe the particular goals or dreams that you have

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Speaker 2: for yourself all of a sudden go out the window

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Speaker 2: when you have a partner. Now I get that there

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Speaker 2: is an adjustment in your time. We only have a

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Speaker 2: certain we only have limited time in the course of

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Speaker 2: a day. And so to me, it's natural that, particularly

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Speaker 2: in the early stages of a relationship, when everything is

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Speaker 2: in this you're in this honeymoon phase and everything is

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Speaker 2: super exciting and you really do want to spend all

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Speaker 2: your time with this person. Yeah, that's normal to have

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Speaker 2: those feelings. But if the relationship keeps progressing and you

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Speaker 2: no longer are spending time with your friends. So like,

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Speaker 2: as a single person, let's say that you have ten

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Speaker 2: hours a week that you're spending with friends, right, Well,

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Speaker 2: when you get a partner, that means that partner is

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Speaker 2: going to get some of those ten hours, right or

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Speaker 2: maybe they'll pull from You'll pull it from somewhere else

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Speaker 2: in your life, but your partner is not. Your new

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Speaker 2: partners should not get all ten of those hours, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: because where is the time for your friends?

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Speaker 1: Yeah? And you know what, dom when you say that,

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Speaker 1: I think of two scenarios that I've experienced personally. One

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Speaker 1: where I also with like with the new person, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my gosh, like we love being with

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Speaker 1: each other, Like this is you know, it's just it's amazing.

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Speaker 1: We want to forget everything else and it's just us, right.

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Speaker 1: And that's one scenario. I think the other is when

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Speaker 1: a partner is pressuring you to do that right where

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Speaker 1: they're strategically trying to get you away from people. And

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Speaker 1: what I want to say is, even if you were

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Speaker 1: just so in love or so inlike and you want

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Speaker 1: to be with this person, I think you should really

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Speaker 1: avoid getting into that like sort of pigeonholing yourself into

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Speaker 1: this one connection, because here's the thing. When it ends,

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Speaker 1: if it ends most many times it does, the thing

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Speaker 1: about it is you will likely be an island because

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Speaker 1: a lot of the people that you kind of put

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Speaker 1: to the back burner, they may either fell away or

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Speaker 1: they may have moved on and have established new connections.

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Speaker 1: And I remember in a past relationship it was a

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Speaker 1: combination of me wanting to be with the person, but

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Speaker 1: that person, what I realized later, was also trying to

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Speaker 1: get me away from my community. And when the relationship ended,

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Speaker 1: what I realized is I had to humble myself and

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Speaker 1: go apologize to people because I had cut people off

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Speaker 1: and those people were not even cut them off. I

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Speaker 1: distanced myself and didn't have time for them. And a

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Speaker 1: lot of those people were the ones who saw red

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Speaker 1: flags in my relationship, right, So that was one aspect.

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Speaker 1: Is it put me in a place where I after

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Speaker 1: the relationship, I found myself needing to rebuild community and

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Speaker 1: rebuild bridges that I had burned. And so I think

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Speaker 1: that's one aspect. And the other part is we're humans.

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Speaker 1: We need to diversify our love, our connections, our happiness

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Speaker 1: because you just don't want to feel like you're alone, right,

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Speaker 1: and you need one person to feel all these needs

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Speaker 1: for you. I think it's important for us to diversify that.

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Speaker 1: I have multiple places where we can get support, love,

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Speaker 1: affection and all that good stuff, even if it's not

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Speaker 1: in a sexual nature.

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Speaker 2: Yes, And as you were saying that, what came up

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Speaker 2: for me is let's also normalize and this is probably

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Speaker 2: a whole other episode that we need to address. Okay,

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Speaker 2: let's normalize male female friendships. Yeah, I'm a I'm not

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Speaker 2: gonna get my soul box. I'm gonna just put it there.

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Speaker 2: Will we will have a whole other episode where I

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Speaker 2: can be on my soapbox on.

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Speaker 1: It and write it down, write it down, And.

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Speaker 2: So I think because to me, that's also a sign

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Speaker 2: that like the relationship might be out of balance, is

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Speaker 2: you and your partner aren't allowing one another to have

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Speaker 2: friends of the opposite sex. I do understand that certain people,

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Speaker 2: certain certain values that folks have. It may align where

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Speaker 2: you and your partner both agree that you can't have

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Speaker 2: neither of you can have friends at the opposite sex.

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Speaker 2: That is rarely successful. That really ends in a healthy relationship.

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Speaker 2: But I'm not gonna I won't digress anymore. So that

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Speaker 2: actually kind of leads to another sign, right of feeling

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Speaker 2: suffocated or overly dependent on your partner. So for me,

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Speaker 2: I recognize that there is masculine and feminine energy that

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Speaker 2: we all possess, and each of us has different amounts

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Speaker 2: of each one right, and there may be within that

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Speaker 2: masculine and feminine energy, there may be also other things

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Speaker 2: that we rely on our partners for. And so a

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Speaker 2: sign that this is an unhealthy dynamic is if you

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Speaker 2: are over reliant on your partner for everything right. So

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Speaker 2: your partner is your therapist, your personal trainer, your financial planner,

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Speaker 2: your spiritual guide, like literally everything right. And that's all

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Speaker 2: of that on top of being your lover. That's too much.

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Speaker 2: One one person cannot fulfill all of those things in

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Speaker 2: a holistic way. And if you are overly dependent on

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Speaker 2: your partner to fulfill all of those things, it's a

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Speaker 2: guarantee that they will fail you because they're not going

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Speaker 2: to be able to do all of those things at

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Speaker 2: one hundred.

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Speaker 1: Percent or forever, like at some point you're going to

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Speaker 1: have to end.

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Speaker 2: Exactly, and then it becomes a problem. And so it

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Speaker 2: could be that you're overly dependent on them and they

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Speaker 2: feel suffocated, or it could be that your partner is

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Speaker 2: suffocating you, so they're not expecting you to be there everything,

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Speaker 2: but they are expecting you to show up and give

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Speaker 2: them all of your time and energy.

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Speaker 1: Girl, I just have flashbacks as you were sharing this,

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Speaker 1: and it's so interesting because as I thought about it,

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Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel that anxiety in my stomach. I'm

385
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Speaker 1: thinking about our relationship where I was with I was

386
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Speaker 1: in a connection with someone who wasn't very trustworthy, and

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Speaker 1: so when they would go out with friends or like

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Speaker 1: travel for you know something, I would feel anxious about

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Speaker 1: that because not necessarily because I was feeling suffocated or

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Speaker 1: overly dependent per se, but it was just it's that

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Speaker 1: anxiety that that I, you know, saw as you or

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Speaker 1: that I heard when you talked about that, and I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that makes me think about that situation. So that's another

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Speaker 1: thing to just keep in mind, right, like you feel

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Speaker 1: safe in that connection, and are you feeling anxious when

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Speaker 1: they're away because of either past behavior or something like that.

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Speaker 1: And then the other thing I thought about was just

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Speaker 1: if you are feeling that way, like you're feeling like

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Speaker 1: I can't do anything when they're not here, Like I

400
00:23:40,359 --> 00:23:41,679
Speaker 1: can't live, like I don't know what to do with

401
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Speaker 1: my time. I don't know what to do with myself.

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Speaker 1: It's just it's a sign that you might be too enmeshed, right,

403
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Speaker 1: Like you might need to find a bit more independence

404
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:52,720
Speaker 1: and again diversifying your support, like someone being your everything.

405
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Speaker 1: And I know many people are going to connect with that,

406
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Speaker 1: like my partner is my everything. And I think that

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Speaker 1: in some ways, like in some ways it might be beautiful,

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Speaker 1: but then I think it also is a disservice to you.

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Speaker 1: You said, Tom said, it's not it's not beautiful. I

410
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 1: think in some ways it could be a disservice because,

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Speaker 1: like you said, they can't do that thing, like they're

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Speaker 1: not gonna be able to do that forever, you know.

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Speaker 1: And so I even think about couples where the one person,

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Speaker 1: like I've heard couples, like the one person pays all

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Speaker 1: the bills, they do all the money, and then something

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Speaker 1: happens to them, they pass away or something happens. They

417
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,640
Speaker 1: can't do that anymore. Now you don't know where, how

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Speaker 1: to transfer the money, how to get the bills paid.

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Speaker 1: Like I think it's just just yeah, I think I'm

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Speaker 1: I think I drove my point home. But you get

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Speaker 1: you get what I'm saying.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: You feel me. Yeah, So that takes us to our

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00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:42,639
Speaker 1: final sign here, which is your partner says they feel disconnected.

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00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,120
Speaker 1: So if your partner is mentioned feeling neglected or distant,

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Speaker 1: it's a sign to check in and recaliborate, right, So

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Speaker 1: anything you want to add to that one down, No,

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Speaker 1: I think that that that's yeah.

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Speaker 2: I feel like that one is kind of woven into

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Speaker 2: some of the other things that we've already talked about.

431
00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:06,159
Speaker 2: So I also want to if you're not understanding it

432
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:09,879
Speaker 2: yet or like not not that you're not understanding it

433
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:13,160
Speaker 2: if you're not like feeling it just yet. Like, here's

434
00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,600
Speaker 2: why it matters, right, Here's why like, having balance is

435
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:25,240
Speaker 2: important because too much independence can create emotional distance. Right,

436
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,520
Speaker 2: if you are too independent from your partner, your partner

437
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:34,840
Speaker 2: may have a sense of, well what am I here for?

438
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:41,400
Speaker 2: Right now? Ladies, I know many of us, as independent

439
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:45,040
Speaker 2: women in your single life, you may have heard this

440
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:49,119
Speaker 2: from multiple areas, multiple people in your world, right that,

441
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:55,719
Speaker 2: well what am I here for? If you've got it

442
00:25:55,760 --> 00:26:01,200
Speaker 2: all under control? And that's why balance is important, having

443
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:07,439
Speaker 2: a partner that you can learn to lean on, because

444
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:15,440
Speaker 2: otherwise it may foster some emotional distance. It doesn't allow

445
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,440
Speaker 2: for deepening the connection.

446
00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,080
Speaker 1: Girl, that is so good because as independent women, right,

447
00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:24,640
Speaker 1: who we often have had to do all the things

448
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:27,840
Speaker 1: and can do all the things. What I found myself

449
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:32,080
Speaker 1: doing when I'm with a male partner is letting myself

450
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 1: sit back and be soft and let them, you know,

451
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,320
Speaker 1: take the lead in some ways or do the things

452
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 1: that I think Communication is key, right. So for instance,

453
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:42,639
Speaker 1: I had a friend over and my trash needed to

454
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,199
Speaker 1: go out, and he was like, oh, do you want

455
00:26:44,240 --> 00:26:45,720
Speaker 1: me to take the trash out? And I love that

456
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:47,080
Speaker 1: I take my own trash.

457
00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:48,639
Speaker 2: Love and I'm in love when my friends do that

458
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:51,000
Speaker 2: because I hate putting the trash out, So yes, I

459
00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 2: love that come in and put my trash out.

460
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:55,919
Speaker 1: But even as an independent strong woman, I be in

461
00:26:55,920 --> 00:26:57,879
Speaker 1: a gym, I got my muscles and all that. But like,

462
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,320
Speaker 1: even though I can do it by myself and I

463
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,320
Speaker 1: do it when I'm by myself, if he's here and

464
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,320
Speaker 1: he offers, I'm like, absolutely, I would love for you

465
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,080
Speaker 1: to do that. Like, things like that I think are

466
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,680
Speaker 1: really important. And so the one thing you said down

467
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,439
Speaker 1: when you talked about too much independence leading to emotional distance,

468
00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 1: and I mean, think about it. Does your partner feel

469
00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:16,359
Speaker 1: like they're the side character in your life right instead

470
00:27:16,359 --> 00:27:18,879
Speaker 1: of a co star, Like, think about how you're showing

471
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,159
Speaker 1: up as well. And then I think about being in

472
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,680
Speaker 1: relationships down where you kind of feel like roommates rather

473
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,159
Speaker 1: than lovers, and I think that's a sign that the

474
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:31,120
Speaker 1: intimacy has faded. Right, Yeah, And so lady, very soon

475
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:34,480
Speaker 1: we're going to tell you how to build an interdependent relationship,

476
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,119
Speaker 1: So stay tuned for those tips. But number two on

477
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,960
Speaker 1: why balance matters is too much intimacy can then lead

478
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:45,480
Speaker 1: to codependency, right, so if you're so intertwined that you

479
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,640
Speaker 1: can't do anything without your partner, that's not intimacy, it's codependency.

480
00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:52,879
Speaker 1: And I remember it was a friendship that I had,

481
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,399
Speaker 1: but I was younger, but I didn't realize this was

482
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,960
Speaker 1: codependence when I was younger. But me and my friend

483
00:27:57,960 --> 00:27:59,320
Speaker 1: we used to always have to talk on the phone

484
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:01,400
Speaker 1: when we were like, well somewhere because we just felt

485
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,000
Speaker 1: like we needed to feel connected. So it was like,

486
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,560
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, we got to be on the phone

487
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:06,280
Speaker 1: if we're walking down the street, if I'm going to

488
00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,720
Speaker 1: this place or this place. And I realized over time that, okay,

489
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:12,640
Speaker 1: there made this codependency there because it felt like a need,

490
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,560
Speaker 1: right like if I'm going to this place, I have

491
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,280
Speaker 1: to be on the phone with someone. And so I

492
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,159
Speaker 1: think just checking in with yourself to see how you

493
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 1: feel is super important as well.

494
00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,920
Speaker 2: Yes, I agree with that. I think the you know,

495
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 2: that extreme from independence is the codependency, right like the

496
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 2: opposione of that is, yeah, how you described it. You

497
00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 2: can't breathe without the other person breathing, and that is problematic.

498
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 2: That does cause that does lead to unhealthy decision making

499
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 2: and it could build resentment or anger or frustration towards

500
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 2: the other person, if you feel if you're both feeling

501
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 2: this codependency. Right, So we know that, like ideally, the

502
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 2: healthiest relationships are ones that are independent interdependent, sorry, are interdependent.

503
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:29,800
Speaker 2: And again that interdependence is when partners are able to

504
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:34,120
Speaker 2: maintain their sense of identity, and one way to do

505
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 2: that is having their own friendships outside of the relationship.

506
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,600
Speaker 1: Girl, I am so happy you said that, don because

507
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:49,040
Speaker 1: I recently downloaded this app called Field to build community.

508
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:52,840
Speaker 1: Because girl, as a new newly single woman and someone

509
00:29:52,840 --> 00:29:55,960
Speaker 1: who's dating and looking to build deeper connections, I wanted

510
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:57,760
Speaker 1: to just find friendships. And so let me tell you

511
00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,160
Speaker 1: about Field. Okay. Field is not just a dating app.

512
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,680
Speaker 1: It's a space where you can explore your desires, whether

513
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:07,400
Speaker 1: that's open relationships, polyamory, cuddling, or finding people who share

514
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:11,400
Speaker 1: your vibe so thinks, runch dates, wine tasting, or even

515
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:13,360
Speaker 1: a pottery class. Crew and I have been having a

516
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:14,120
Speaker 1: ball on the app.

517
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:18,920
Speaker 2: Okay, down, Okay, I'm hearing. You had me pulled in

518
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,520
Speaker 2: when you were talking about an app where you can

519
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 2: find people for brunch, wine tasting, pottery like wait, okay,

520
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 2: so this sounds different fields. It's sounding different from those

521
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:36,800
Speaker 2: usual dating apps. So what makes it different?

522
00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:40,680
Speaker 1: Oh goodness? Okay, So first of all, no, none of

523
00:30:40,680 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 1: that algorithm nonsense. You are in full control of your experience,

524
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,240
Speaker 1: which I love. And there's no pressure to swipe. Oh

525
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: and you know what else I love? You can actually

526
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,280
Speaker 1: go back and change your mind about someone, which I

527
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 1: don't like it the other apps, because you know, you

528
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 1: ever swipe on the app and you're like, wait, I

529
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,840
Speaker 1: wanted to swipe the other way you can. And they

530
00:30:58,880 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 1: also have this constantly feature that lets you link up

531
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: with your friends or partners, so you're meeting people with

532
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,360
Speaker 1: your community already in mind. And the thing I also

533
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 1: love about it is that transparency is key. So this

534
00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:13,160
Speaker 1: is a space where people are upfront about their relationship

535
00:31:13,200 --> 00:31:15,000
Speaker 1: styles and what they're looking for. So there's no more

536
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 1: guessing games. Because how many times have y'all been on

537
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: an app You've entertained someone and you find out that

538
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:23,240
Speaker 1: they have a situationship or a baby mama, or there's

539
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,720
Speaker 1: some drama over here. What I found so far is

540
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:28,680
Speaker 1: that people have been very transparent and upfront, even in

541
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,680
Speaker 1: their profile. So I am loving it.

542
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:39,440
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, So people actually know how to communicate. People

543
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:44,680
Speaker 2: are actually honest and transparent about what their current situation is,

544
00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 2: what they're looking for a meeting. All right, I'm feeling it.

545
00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:51,600
Speaker 1: Okay, exactly. And the other thing is too, dom is

546
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,800
Speaker 1: not just about dating. You can use Field to find friendships,

547
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 1: travel buddies, or even creative collaborators. And as someone who's

548
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,840
Speaker 1: building my community, actually in these times that we're living in,

549
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,120
Speaker 1: I am really having a good time. The other thing

550
00:32:06,160 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 1: about it, too, is that if your desires or your

551
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,200
Speaker 1: identity evolve over time, it's not a big deal. Because

552
00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:13,520
Speaker 1: what I learned is that sixty two percent of members

553
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:15,800
Speaker 1: they actually shift their interest in the app and the

554
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 1: first fear on that app. So yeah, wow.

555
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 2: Wow, Okay, all right, so I think I'm convinced. So

556
00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,680
Speaker 2: tell people where they can check out Field.

557
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:32,640
Speaker 1: All right, Look, so download Field. It's spelled fe e

558
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: l d and it's pronounced like field, soccer field, okay,

559
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 1: soccer field, and it's on the App Store or Google Play.

560
00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:40,760
Speaker 1: So get into it, y'all. And if you see me

561
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 1: on Field, just stop buying and say hi, y'all, because

562
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:45,120
Speaker 1: I'm on there. I want to build in my community.

563
00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, So again y'all go check out field

564
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 2: and let us know what you think.

565
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,320
Speaker 1: Yes, and lady, real quick, I'm going to go back

566
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:57,760
Speaker 1: to something you said too. You talked about the healthiest

567
00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:00,920
Speaker 1: relationships being interdependent, and I thought of two things. One,

568
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,560
Speaker 1: I feel like if cole dependence were to be summed

569
00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:06,880
Speaker 1: up in a sentence, it will be like I can't

570
00:33:06,920 --> 00:33:11,120
Speaker 1: live without you, Whereas I feel like interdependent relationship would

571
00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:14,239
Speaker 1: be like I love my life and you make it

572
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:17,280
Speaker 1: even better, like you add more to my life, you know.

573
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:20,560
Speaker 1: And then the other thing was I remember when I

574
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 1: first got married, people would always be like, oh, like

575
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 1: you found your other half, and I was always like,

576
00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:28,200
Speaker 1: mm m, I found my other hole. Because we need

577
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: two whole, happy individuals to come together to make a

578
00:33:31,880 --> 00:33:34,720
Speaker 1: whole relationship. And it's not two halves, you know, the

579
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: other person not fifty percent and I'm not fifty percent.

580
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 1: We're not doing that. We both one hundred percent solid

581
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:43,920
Speaker 1: on our own and we come together. Right. So yeah, y'allah,

582
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,360
Speaker 1: anything you want to add to that down or should

583
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: we jump into these tips?

584
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:49,480
Speaker 2: No, I'm ready for the tips.

585
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:52,120
Speaker 1: All right, y'all. Just the tip and I'm just joking.

586
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:55,680
Speaker 1: It's been a long day, y'all. Don't mind me my fad.

587
00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:58,640
Speaker 1: Sorry not sorry, Okay, that's what that's where the mood

588
00:33:58,720 --> 00:34:00,240
Speaker 1: is today. I hope you got a little gig out

589
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:02,720
Speaker 1: of that, lady. All right, So let's get into how

590
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:06,880
Speaker 1: to build an interdependent relationship. Number one is know what

591
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:10,279
Speaker 1: you like and what matters to you. And when I

592
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:13,279
Speaker 1: think about this tip right here, I remember when I

593
00:34:13,360 --> 00:34:15,920
Speaker 1: first got out of my very toxic relationship when I

594
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,040
Speaker 1: was in grad school and I was like dating myself

595
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:20,279
Speaker 1: and I was by myself, and because I was in

596
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,640
Speaker 1: this codependent relationship, one of the key questions I asked myself,

597
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:25,960
Speaker 1: or a few questions I asked myself when I was

598
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,640
Speaker 1: alone by myself, was like who are you? What do

599
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:31,239
Speaker 1: you like outside of what everyone else likes and wants

600
00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:32,759
Speaker 1: for you? Because I was so used to sort of

601
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,600
Speaker 1: being a chameleon and shifting myself. So a key question

602
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,160
Speaker 1: is like who are you outside of the relationship and

603
00:34:38,200 --> 00:34:41,560
Speaker 1: what do you actually like sexually, food wise? What's your

604
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:44,560
Speaker 1: favorite color? Like all those things get clear on that.

605
00:34:45,600 --> 00:34:51,600
Speaker 2: Yes, and that to me that is so important because

606
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 2: it's the little thing like I remember having a partner

607
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:04,960
Speaker 2: who will like to stay up late, like kept very

608
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 2: late hours. For me, I need to get up early

609
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:14,759
Speaker 2: for my job. Would I liked, Yes, But in order

610
00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:16,920
Speaker 2: for me to do my job effectively, I need to

611
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 2: get sleep right. And there were there was a long

612
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 2: stretch in the relationship where I didn't speak on that.

613
00:35:26,640 --> 00:35:28,920
Speaker 2: I would because if we had this thing where we

614
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:32,239
Speaker 2: wanted to go to bed together, I would stay up

615
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:38,359
Speaker 2: late and then or I might go to bed before him,

616
00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:41,239
Speaker 2: but then when he would come in bed, I would

617
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,799
Speaker 2: get I would wake up. I mean, well, we know,

618
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:44,319
Speaker 2: I bet you.

619
00:35:44,480 --> 00:35:45,520
Speaker 1: I bet you did.

620
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:52,280
Speaker 2: But I didn't speak up on that, and I ended

621
00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:56,760
Speaker 2: up having multiple seasons where I would be sleep deprived.

622
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:01,840
Speaker 2: And that wasn't on him. Yeah, that was on me

623
00:36:02,680 --> 00:36:07,839
Speaker 2: because I did not communicate my need. And so then

624
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 2: that takes us to the second tip, right, not being able,

625
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:17,480
Speaker 2: not being afraid to ask for what you want. So

626
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:25,400
Speaker 2: in that dynamic, I should have said, hey, I need

627
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:28,840
Speaker 2: X number of hours of sleep. Yeah, I'm not telling

628
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:31,040
Speaker 2: you what time you have to go to bed, but

629
00:36:31,160 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 2: here's when I need to go to bed. If you

630
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,920
Speaker 2: come in later and you want to have sex, that's

631
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,320
Speaker 2: not happening because I need my sleep.

632
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:42,600
Speaker 1: This is such a good one. Ask for what you

633
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,200
Speaker 1: want clearly and confidently, because the thing is, we can't

634
00:36:45,239 --> 00:36:48,480
Speaker 1: be mad at someone for not respecting a boundary that

635
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 1: we never put.

636
00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 2: Up exactly right, exact And I.

637
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:54,279
Speaker 1: Love I love that you share that because I did

638
00:36:54,280 --> 00:36:55,719
Speaker 1: that for such a long time. But I don't know

639
00:36:55,719 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: if it's like this grown woman age or like maybe

640
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,200
Speaker 1: I was just so tired of being resentful for doing

641
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:03,040
Speaker 1: things I didn't want to do. But I speak up

642
00:37:03,160 --> 00:37:06,000
Speaker 1: so much more of my relationships now on all the topics,

643
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,279
Speaker 1: like I'm getting better and better because I've been practicing

644
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,799
Speaker 1: and building that muscle, and so it's so important to

645
00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:14,760
Speaker 1: do that. Lady. No mind game like mind reading games

646
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:17,239
Speaker 1: and all that. Communicate your needs clearly. And the great

647
00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:19,560
Speaker 1: thing about it is when you communicate your needs, it

648
00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 1: gives the other person a chance to see what's important

649
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,640
Speaker 1: to you and to act accordingly. And when they don't

650
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:29,399
Speaker 1: act accordingly, or you see that, Okay, I told them this,

651
00:37:29,719 --> 00:37:32,319
Speaker 1: but they're clearly not valuing that, then that gives you

652
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:37,040
Speaker 1: information and you may possibly need to reevaluate the connection.

653
00:37:38,120 --> 00:37:43,040
Speaker 1: Move around, okay, period, move around, all right, y'all. Number

654
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:47,080
Speaker 1: three is spend time with friends and family. Your relationship

655
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:49,319
Speaker 1: should not be your only source of connection. Like we

656
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:53,600
Speaker 1: said earlier, diversify your support, your love, and your connections.

657
00:37:53,840 --> 00:37:56,640
Speaker 1: And if you're with someone who is trying to keep

658
00:37:56,680 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 1: you from your people, just make a note like be

659
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,759
Speaker 1: mindful sometimes I will say, like, sometimes you may have

660
00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:06,120
Speaker 1: a partner that will try to discourage you from being

661
00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:09,719
Speaker 1: with Like, toxic people in your family are toxic groups. Right,

662
00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,560
Speaker 1: that's a little different, but you know your situation best.

663
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:16,120
Speaker 1: Definitely consult with a professional if you need some help there,

664
00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 1: because it can get very murky, right as far as

665
00:38:18,480 --> 00:38:20,480
Speaker 1: is this person trying to keep me away from good

666
00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: people or not? But you should always have multiple sources

667
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:25,719
Speaker 1: of support, connection and love.

668
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:30,719
Speaker 2: Ideally, yes, couldn't set it better. So we're going to

669
00:38:30,800 --> 00:38:35,800
Speaker 2: move on to number four. Continue pursuing your personal goals.

670
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:43,759
Speaker 2: So let's say that when you meet your partner, you

671
00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:51,799
Speaker 2: have this dream of becoming a master pottery. I don't

672
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,920
Speaker 2: even know the term, but pottery is your thing, right,

673
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:59,040
Speaker 2: come on, and your want. You have just started taking

674
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:04,920
Speaker 2: classes to master pottery. Those classes take up a lot

675
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 2: of your time. You meet this partner, you start spending

676
00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:13,880
Speaker 2: time with them. Ideally, in a healthy dynamic, your partner

677
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:17,719
Speaker 2: is going to be supportive of this pursuit, and you

678
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 2: were going to continue to pursue this dream, this passion

679
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 2: around pottery. It's unhealthy to me, It's unhealthy to completely

680
00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:37,320
Speaker 2: relinquish yes, your personal goals for a relationship.

681
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:38,000
Speaker 1: Now.

682
00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:40,719
Speaker 2: Do you want to be clear that this is not extremes,

683
00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 2: This is not black and white. That there may be

684
00:39:44,719 --> 00:39:48,400
Speaker 2: some things, some goals that you have that no longer

685
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:55,680
Speaker 2: are in alignment with being in a relationship that's different.

686
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:00,000
Speaker 2: And I think that that's worth talking out and process

687
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 2: sessing with your partner, consulting your trusted friends, maybe even

688
00:40:05,120 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 2: consulting a professional to help you sort through. Is this

689
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:15,120
Speaker 2: goal worth continuing to pursue now that I'm in this relationship.

690
00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,560
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm, I would agree with that, Dom. I think

691
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,000
Speaker 1: it's so important to continue to grow as an individual.

692
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:22,520
Speaker 1: And I think also it gives you something to talk about,

693
00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 1: Like when you and your partner have separate lives, it

694
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:27,120
Speaker 1: makes things more interesting, so now you can come back

695
00:40:27,160 --> 00:40:28,719
Speaker 1: together and talk about, Oh, let me tell you about

696
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:30,319
Speaker 1: what I did here, or let me tell you about

697
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:33,040
Speaker 1: what happened with this friend group. It keeps it interesting

698
00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 1: because if you're together all day, at some point it's

699
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:38,160
Speaker 1: going to be like, all right now, I'm tired of

700
00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,440
Speaker 1: seeing your face, Like, come on, you know what, It's

701
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:43,279
Speaker 1: gonna get boring, It's gonna get stale. So having other

702
00:40:43,320 --> 00:40:45,000
Speaker 1: things is important. And then the other thing I wanted

703
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,440
Speaker 1: to add to dom is sometimes, I know, like in

704
00:40:47,480 --> 00:40:50,680
Speaker 1: a marriage or in a long term partnership, sometimes based

705
00:40:50,719 --> 00:40:52,799
Speaker 1: on your dynamic, there may be seasons where you all

706
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,960
Speaker 1: are supporting one person's goal, right because maybe only in children,

707
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:59,600
Speaker 1: you've taken some time to support your partner's goal, and

708
00:40:59,640 --> 00:41:01,759
Speaker 1: then you make sure y'all circle back and support your

709
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:04,759
Speaker 1: goal as well, like it needs to be yeah, simplical, right,

710
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 1: So I think that's important as well, like keeping that

711
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 1: in mind. And again, you know your dynamic best. We're

712
00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 1: speaking in general and a general sense right now, but

713
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:16,200
Speaker 1: take it as it resonates with you, all right, y'all.

714
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:17,960
Speaker 1: I think this takes us on to number five. We're

715
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,319
Speaker 1: on number five, which is be mindful of your values.

716
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:25,040
Speaker 1: Do your actions align with what truly matters? That is

717
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:26,840
Speaker 1: a question you can ask yourself when it comes to

718
00:41:26,880 --> 00:41:29,000
Speaker 1: your values. And then do you and your partner do

719
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 1: your values align right. I think that something I've been

720
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:34,960
Speaker 1: exploring lately DOM is like, I don't know, I don't

721
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:36,400
Speaker 1: have a fleshed out and I didn't expect to talk

722
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:38,000
Speaker 1: about this, but I just want to say I've been

723
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,440
Speaker 1: thinking about having some type of like I don't want

724
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:42,399
Speaker 1: to call it a contract, but some type of either

725
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:46,319
Speaker 1: agreement or like a very more formal check in on relationships,

726
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:48,960
Speaker 1: because I'm relating to people in a different way these days,

727
00:41:49,120 --> 00:41:52,080
Speaker 1: and I think that having those types of conversations it

728
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:54,440
Speaker 1: allows us to level set, because sometimes when you just

729
00:41:54,480 --> 00:41:57,640
Speaker 1: in relationship and you don't check in, you might have

730
00:41:57,760 --> 00:42:01,080
Speaker 1: really grown into different directions and you didn't even know it, right,

731
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:04,359
Speaker 1: So understanding what your values are is important now. Also,

732
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 1: I'm going to add a little asterisk and say checking

733
00:42:06,680 --> 00:42:09,320
Speaker 1: in with your partners well to see where their values

734
00:42:09,320 --> 00:42:09,879
Speaker 1: are as well.

735
00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,880
Speaker 2: Yes, I think that that's important and that check in, Like,

736
00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:17,000
Speaker 2: I love that you pointed that out, because I do

737
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:24,680
Speaker 2: think that over time priority values overall might not shift, yeah,

738
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:32,200
Speaker 2: but priorities may shift, right, And so I do think

739
00:42:32,200 --> 00:42:36,439
Speaker 2: that it's important to level set, right because I think

740
00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:39,160
Speaker 2: about the things that people that couples tend to fight

741
00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:43,239
Speaker 2: about the most. So the difficulties that couples tend to

742
00:42:43,280 --> 00:42:52,399
Speaker 2: have most often is about communication difficulties, but then finances, career, children, right,

743
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:57,400
Speaker 2: sex and sex. Yeah, and so I think it's important

744
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 2: to communicate what those what your values are a particularly

745
00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:03,840
Speaker 2: around each of those things, and then like you said,

746
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:07,520
Speaker 2: to do a check in as as the relationship evolves,

747
00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:11,080
Speaker 2: do a check in to see to make sure that

748
00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:14,240
Speaker 2: you all are still aligned, because if there is a misalignment,

749
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:18,160
Speaker 2: that's when difficulties come into the relationship.

750
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:21,960
Speaker 1: M h exactly exactly.

751
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:26,440
Speaker 2: And so then that takes us to number six. Making

752
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:30,719
Speaker 2: time for your hobbies and interests. Now, I do want

753
00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:35,400
Speaker 2: to point out that making time for your hobbies and

754
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:41,000
Speaker 2: interests may fall under Tip one of knowing what you

755
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:44,120
Speaker 2: like and what matters to you, or Tip two not

756
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 2: being afraid to ask for what you want, or Tip

757
00:43:49,040 --> 00:43:52,160
Speaker 2: four continuing to pursue your personal goals. I gain honestly

758
00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:56,799
Speaker 2: like that one, like they all are interconnected, right, but

759
00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:00,200
Speaker 2: I do think that it is it is important to

760
00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:05,080
Speaker 2: make time for your hobbies and interests because it allows

761
00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:12,200
Speaker 2: you to maintain something outside of the relationship that you

762
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:19,600
Speaker 2: can then bring back into the relationship, and it could

763
00:44:19,640 --> 00:44:22,200
Speaker 2: be something as you're bringing it back to the relationship,

764
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:27,360
Speaker 2: it could be something that you all do together. However,

765
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,240
Speaker 2: I do think that even if you have a hobby

766
00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:32,960
Speaker 2: that you bring in with your partner and you all

767
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:36,120
Speaker 2: do together, I do think that there are some things

768
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:40,799
Speaker 2: that you should still have without your partner. And so

769
00:44:40,880 --> 00:44:44,719
Speaker 2: whether you're doing that by yourself or with friends and family,

770
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:48,280
Speaker 2: there are some things I do think it is important

771
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:52,000
Speaker 2: to make time for hobbies and interests outside of your partner.

772
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:56,239
Speaker 1: Yes, yes today. And then number seven is don't be

773
00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:59,799
Speaker 1: afraid to say no. Remember that boundaries are sexy. They

774
00:45:00,040 --> 00:45:03,160
Speaker 1: great trust and respect. And so I'm thinking about one

775
00:45:03,160 --> 00:45:05,919
Speaker 1: of your scenario that you share, like your partner wants

776
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:10,279
Speaker 1: to go to sleep later, and your boundaries like I

777
00:45:10,320 --> 00:45:12,000
Speaker 1: have to get up early and do this and this.

778
00:45:12,719 --> 00:45:15,240
Speaker 1: You know, you might say like maybe it's a compromise

779
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:17,600
Speaker 1: that I'll give you some before, you know, before I

780
00:45:17,640 --> 00:45:19,560
Speaker 1: go to bed, versus you come to bed late and

781
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:21,440
Speaker 1: trying to get some whatever it might be, right, but

782
00:45:21,520 --> 00:45:23,439
Speaker 1: saying no and setting your boundaries, I think that's super

783
00:45:23,480 --> 00:45:28,160
Speaker 1: important even within your relationship, because I just think it's

784
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:30,359
Speaker 1: so important to prioritize ourselves to make sure that we're

785
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,719
Speaker 1: filling our cup to make sure we're good. And if

786
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:35,520
Speaker 1: you have overflow and maybe you have a scenario or

787
00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:37,120
Speaker 1: a night where you don't have to get up early,

788
00:45:37,440 --> 00:45:40,279
Speaker 1: then you can always, you know, make that a late

789
00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 1: night with your partner.

790
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:46,239
Speaker 2: Yes, And recognizing, like we've said before in other episodes,

791
00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:50,680
Speaker 2: no is a complete sentence. Yes, So going back to

792
00:45:50,719 --> 00:45:54,920
Speaker 2: that piece around consent. Consent is sexy, asking for permission

793
00:45:55,000 --> 00:46:01,480
Speaker 2: is sexy. What's even sexier is being able to be

794
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:06,600
Speaker 2: flexible and modify when you or your partner says.

795
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 1: No, yeah, it is, You're right because think.

796
00:46:11,920 --> 00:46:15,919
Speaker 2: About how creative and resourceful you can be if you

797
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:20,400
Speaker 2: put out a request your partner says no, that won't

798
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 2: work for me, and you all get to together come

799
00:46:25,719 --> 00:46:27,839
Speaker 2: up with something that might work for the both of you,

800
00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:32,200
Speaker 2: and it could be that it's a shared activity or

801
00:46:32,239 --> 00:46:37,840
Speaker 2: it's parallel play. So then that takes us to our

802
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:44,920
Speaker 2: final tip. Don't keep yourself small or hidden to please others.

803
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:46,719
Speaker 2: And I'm gonna say that one more time for the

804
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 2: folks in the back because I know a lot of

805
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:51,359
Speaker 2: people pleasers and reform people pleasers need to hear this.

806
00:46:53,960 --> 00:47:00,120
Speaker 2: Don't keep yourself small or hidden to please others. When

807
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:05,239
Speaker 2: you are in a healthy relationship, your partner is going

808
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:09,839
Speaker 2: to be supportive of you and all that you bring

809
00:47:09,880 --> 00:47:17,719
Speaker 2: to the table. When you play small, eventually you're gonna

810
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:21,520
Speaker 2: want to come out, like all that you're tucking in

811
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:27,280
Speaker 2: is going to want to be released, and it's gonna

812
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:32,640
Speaker 2: manifest itself in unhealthy behaviors because it's fighting to get out.

813
00:47:33,640 --> 00:47:36,080
Speaker 2: And as it's fighting to get out and manifesting in

814
00:47:36,120 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 2: these unhealthy behaviors, then that presents an inauthentic, unhealthy dynamic

815
00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:47,279
Speaker 2: with your partner. So now your partner is getting a

816
00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:50,480
Speaker 2: piece of you, not the whole you, and you're not

817
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:56,320
Speaker 2: giving them a fair opportunity to love and accept all

818
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:57,160
Speaker 2: of who you are.

819
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:00,880
Speaker 1: H That was a whole word, right there, y'all go

820
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,480
Speaker 1: ahead and let's pass around the our firm FASKT. That

821
00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:06,959
Speaker 1: was a whole word because listen and dom, I'm thinking

822
00:48:06,960 --> 00:48:10,400
Speaker 1: about us as independent, accomplished women, right it is so

823
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:14,719
Speaker 1: easy for us to be with potential partners, to be

824
00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:19,360
Speaker 1: dating mails because you know of how we believe we

825
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:21,520
Speaker 1: might be perceived because of what we've done or who

826
00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:23,880
Speaker 1: we are, what we're doing in the world. It's so

827
00:48:24,080 --> 00:48:26,800
Speaker 1: easy to kind of minimize ourselves and shrink ourselves, and

828
00:48:26,880 --> 00:48:29,160
Speaker 1: so this is a great reminder not to do that

829
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:33,120
Speaker 1: because when we do that, I believe it also it

830
00:48:33,320 --> 00:48:35,960
Speaker 1: attracts us to a certain person and type of energy. Right,

831
00:48:36,480 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 1: So we should be comfortable being all of us and

832
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:42,000
Speaker 1: be mindful of partners and people who are, you know,

833
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,359
Speaker 1: checking on you, like, oh, how's your little podcast doing,

834
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:47,560
Speaker 1: how'd your little business going? Ain't nothing a little over here? Boo? Okay,

835
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:51,719
Speaker 1: so check nothing. You're here, so check that, and just

836
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:54,359
Speaker 1: be mindful of how you're showing up and why you're

837
00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:56,600
Speaker 1: showing up, because sometimes I think we may show up

838
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:59,279
Speaker 1: and shrink ourselves because we feel that the person might

839
00:48:59,320 --> 00:49:02,080
Speaker 1: be insecure. They're giving us signs that they're insecure, and

840
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:03,680
Speaker 1: we don't want to be too big. We don't want

841
00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:05,080
Speaker 1: to use a big word, or we don't want to

842
00:49:05,080 --> 00:49:07,960
Speaker 1: say this thing. So just be mindful. It's information, and

843
00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:12,359
Speaker 1: as you collect that information, you can make decisions accordingly. Okay, ladies,

844
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:14,840
Speaker 1: so real quick, we have a juicy after show for you.

845
00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 1: We're going to jump into the recap of these tips,

846
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:18,879
Speaker 1: but I'm just going to give you a little teaser y'all.

847
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:19,000
Speaker 3: Soo.

848
00:49:19,000 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 1: In the after show, we're going to share four practical

849
00:49:21,239 --> 00:49:23,520
Speaker 1: ways to deepen intimacy, and then we're going to share

850
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:25,960
Speaker 1: three ways to communicate your needs without guilt. So make

851
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 1: sure you head on over to our website heirspacepodcast dot com,

852
00:49:29,560 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 1: click on anywhere you see Patreon on Wisdom Wednesday and

853
00:49:33,120 --> 00:49:35,239
Speaker 1: support us and tune into the after show and see

854
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:37,680
Speaker 1: us on video. All right, dom, do you want to

855
00:49:37,719 --> 00:49:39,680
Speaker 1: do the recap of these tips?

856
00:49:39,920 --> 00:49:40,600
Speaker 2: Let's do it.

857
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 1: Let's do it right.

858
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:45,400
Speaker 2: So tip number one knowing what you like and what

859
00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:51,279
Speaker 2: matters to you. Number two, not being afraid to ask

860
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Speaker 2: for what you want. Number three, spend time with friends

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Speaker 2: and family. Number fourtinue pursuing your personal goals. Number five,

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Speaker 2: be mindful of your values. Number six, make time for

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Speaker 2: hobbies and interests. Number seven, don't be afraid to say no,

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Speaker 2: and number eight don't keep yourself small or hidden to

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Speaker 2: please others.

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Speaker 1: All right, lady, catch us on the after show for

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Speaker 1: more tips. We'll see you on the other side. If

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Speaker 2: Thanks for tuning into Cultivating her Space. Remember that while

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Speaker 2: this podcast is all about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's

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Speaker 2: not a substitute for therapy. If you are someone you

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Speaker 2: know needs support, check out resources like Therapy for Black

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Speaker 2: Girls for Psychology Today. If you love today's episode, do

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Speaker 2: us a favor and share it with a friend who

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Speaker 2: needs some inspiration, or leave us a quick five star review.

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Speaker 2: Your support means the world to us and helps keep

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Speaker 2: this space thriving.

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Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I am

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Speaker 1: the architect of my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose

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Speaker 1: and pass Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday

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Speaker 1: for more inspiration from cultivating her space. In the meantime,

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Speaker 1: be sure to connect with us on Instagram at her

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Speaker 1: Space Podcast