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Speaker 1: Pushkin. I blushed when I think about this, because it's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's like remembering it's Harvard First Sight. This is author

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Speaker 1: Tabitha Carbon. She's telling me how she fell for the

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Speaker 1: man of her dreams. I was getting a takeaway coffee

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Speaker 1: in a cafe, which was a novel experience to me

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Speaker 1: because I had been breastfeeding and pregnant for so long.

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Speaker 1: Like I just felt like I hadn't drunk coffee in

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Speaker 1: a thousand years. Before motherhood, Tabitha enjoyed an active career

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Speaker 1: and lots of interest in hobbies. But after motherhood, Tabitha's

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Speaker 1: two kids became the focus of her entire world. She

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Speaker 1: had no time for herself or her own emotional needs.

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Speaker 1: I wasn't depressed, I wasn't unwell. I was just preoccupied.

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Speaker 1: I just I realized I just didn't know who I

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Speaker 1: wasn't in or I couldn't hold on to any of

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Speaker 1: the pieces that used to be there. They were completely gone.

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Speaker 1: It was in this moment of personal crisis that he

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Speaker 1: finally appeared. I was waiting for my coffee and the

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Speaker 1: newspaper was open on a table and I saw an ad.

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Speaker 1: The ad inarcuous enough was for a new season of

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Speaker 1: the television series Sherlock Holmes, starring the actor Benedict Cumberbatch.

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Speaker 1: I had seen Benedict Cumberbatch many times before. I had

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Speaker 1: thought not much of him other than he was an

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Speaker 1: unusual looking man who appeared in many shows that I

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Speaker 1: seem to watch. But Tabitha's reaction to this Benedict photo

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Speaker 1: at this particular moment in her life felt very, very different.

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Speaker 1: Just the sight of this man pulling on a leather glove,

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Speaker 1: and I just had this surprising feeling which I could

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Speaker 1: only describe as yearning. Like I was, like, I want

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Speaker 1: to watch that show. Some things coming there is marianity.

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Speaker 1: I sat down to watch the latest episode of Sherlock,

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Speaker 1: and I just I found myself at this point completely

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Speaker 1: captivated by this man who I had seen a hundred

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Speaker 1: times before. This time he looked completely different to me.

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Speaker 1: I was mesmerized by his physical appearance, everything about him.

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Speaker 1: Just it felt like he shook my bones. I just

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Speaker 1: felt more alive and awake in the moment watching this

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Speaker 1: TV show than I had in the years previous raising

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Speaker 1: my children. And that's a shocking thing to say, because

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Speaker 1: you know, raising your children is supposed to be. It

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Speaker 1: is an objectively meaningful thing. But the reality is this

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Speaker 1: sitting down to watch this completely silly, trivial TV show

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Speaker 1: somehow affected me more emotionally than all those all those

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Speaker 1: years of mothering. Tabitha watched and rewatched all the seasons

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Speaker 1: of Sherlock. She became a roast with the actor's many movies.

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Speaker 1: She read and reread Benedict's online interviews, and she scrolled

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Speaker 1: and smiled endlessly, has countless online photos. Nearly all of

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Speaker 1: her free time was soon taken up with that distinctive

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Speaker 1: face of his. Tabitha had become a spin the Benedict Comberbatch.

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Speaker 1: So the thing about but to Comberbatch is that it

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Speaker 1: starts with the voice, like a jaguar trapped in a cello,

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Speaker 1: is how his voice has been described. The next thing

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Speaker 1: is the cheekbones, because it's very distinctive cheekbones, and then

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Speaker 1: the eyes actually make him look weird because they are

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Speaker 1: just too far apart on his head. And then I

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Speaker 1: think it's the lips, very full lips, excellent cupid bow,

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Speaker 1: excellent hair. Should like it going. But despite the joyful

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Speaker 1: thrill that her new obsession brought, becoming so obsessed with

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Speaker 1: a person she'd never met. Also made Tabitha feel kind

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Speaker 1: of embarrassed. I feel ashamed is actually it sounds an

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Speaker 1: extreme emotion, but it seemed like something you not peper

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Speaker 1: out of. It felt inappropriate, it felt juvenile, It felt

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Speaker 1: like an a mental and emotional regression to a time

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Speaker 1: that you're supposed to be completely done with by the

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Speaker 1: time you're almost forty. And it made me feel profoundly embarrassed,

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Speaker 1: to the point that I didn't tell anyone about it

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Speaker 1: for a long time. Now, it's entirely possible that you've

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Speaker 1: never fallen as hard as Tabitha did for some random celebrity.

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Speaker 1: You may not yet have felt the thrill and embarrassment

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Speaker 1: that comes with being It's called being cumber batched. Cumberbatched,

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Speaker 1: cumba bat cumba batched, cumber botched. That's that's when it

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Speaker 1: goes wrong. That sounds You may not personally know the

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Speaker 1: thrill in embarrassment that comes with being cumber batched, but

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing that at some point in your life you

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Speaker 1: had something that you really geeked out about, that band

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Speaker 1: or book or game or movie that you knew way

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Speaker 1: too much about that you spent are too much money

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Speaker 1: in time on the kind of thing you adored so

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Speaker 1: much that it went from being a regular, everyday sort

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Speaker 1: of appreciation to a full blown, geeky, guilty pleasure. But

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Speaker 1: could embracing a deep love of a seemingly trivial thing

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Speaker 1: and doing so openly and without guilt be the key

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Speaker 1: to feeling more connected and more present? Would each of

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Speaker 1: us become a lot happier if we two could at

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Speaker 1: least metaphorically get cumberbatched. Our minds are constantly telling us

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Speaker 1: what to do to be happy. But what if our

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Speaker 1: minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us,

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Speaker 1: leading us away from what we'll really make us happy.

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Speaker 1: The good news is that understanding the science of the

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Speaker 1: mind can point us all back in the right direction.

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Speaker 1: You're listening to the happiness. Laugh with me, doctor Laurie Santos.

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Speaker 1: As Tabitha's excitement over all things Benedict grew, she slowly

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Speaker 1: began revealing her obsession to the people closest to her.

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Speaker 1: Most of her friends admitted to being pretty confused. They

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Speaker 1: find it just inexplicable. It required an entire book for

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Speaker 1: me to explain. That book is entitled this is not

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Speaker 1: a book about Benedict Cumberbatche the joy of loving something

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Speaker 1: anything like your life depends on it. And initially what

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Speaker 1: I thought I was writing about was why did this

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Speaker 1: crazy thing happen to me, this perfectly normal person. You know,

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Speaker 1: it seemed beneath me. Sounds really snobby, but I mean

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Speaker 1: that is That is how I felt about something like

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Speaker 1: a celebrity crush, that it was not the kind of

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Speaker 1: thing that someone like me should fall into. Tabitha experienced

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Speaker 1: a complicated set of emotions, both about Benedict and about

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Speaker 1: her obsession with Benedict. She'd never felt more joyful or

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Speaker 1: alive as she did watching Sherlock, but spending so much

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Speaker 1: time being a fangirl came with a lot of guilt.

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Speaker 1: I was using my precious free time and precious free

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Speaker 1: brain space to think about this guy when I felt

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Speaker 1: like I should be using that time to either think

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Speaker 1: about my husband or my children. The housework. Was wasting

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Speaker 1: her time on something so trivial. Also made her feel selfish.

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Speaker 1: It's not about serving the needs of other people. It's

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Speaker 1: not about tending to the needs of your children, or

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Speaker 1: your family, or your domestic environment. It is something that

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Speaker 1: is just for you. She'd also seen how the actors

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Speaker 1: hardcore fans who lovingly refer to themselves as cumber bitches,

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Speaker 1: were portrayed in the news. The media called the cumber

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Speaker 1: bitches hysterical, crazed, cult like, and even terrifying. You know,

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Speaker 1: I didn't look at that and think, oh, yeah, these

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Speaker 1: are my people, like I want to join that community,

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Speaker 1: sign me up. That was a huge stumbling blog. I

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Speaker 1: was like, hell, no, I'm going to I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to put my hand up to being the subject of

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Speaker 1: these kind of insults. But Tabatha wasn't just afraid of

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Speaker 1: jeers and mockery. Her infatuation with her new crush was

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Speaker 1: so powerful that it scared her. Tabatha hadn't experienced anything

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Speaker 1: that extreme since she was a teenager. All I was

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Speaker 1: doing was simply pursuing a feeling which made me feel good.

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Speaker 1: It's amazing the extent to which that feel scary. But

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Speaker 1: intense feelings like this are kind of what fandom is

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Speaker 1: all about. I mean, the term fan comes from the

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Speaker 1: Latin fanaticus, meaning frenzied by the gods. These days, we

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Speaker 1: of course use the term for less divinely inspired circumstances.

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Speaker 1: It's just that some things seem normal for us to

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Speaker 1: fan over and some things don't. Take sports, no one

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Speaker 1: bats an eye if you spend hundreds of dollars on

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Speaker 1: T shirts and posters and bumper stickers to show your

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Speaker 1: devotion to a football team. No one calls you hysterical

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Speaker 1: if you scream at the television when your favorite basketball

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Speaker 1: player hits the perfect shot, or if you sulk when

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Speaker 1: the home team loses. I mean, sports fandom is so normalized.

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Speaker 1: You know, it's on the news every single night. That's wonderful,

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Speaker 1: Like it's a wonderful thing that we have nourished and

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Speaker 1: supported as a society because sports fans get huge return

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Speaker 1: on investment from that kind of dedication. And then, actually,

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Speaker 1: that is all I was feeling towards bag It. Kombabatch

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Speaker 1: was exactly the same thing. So how can we overcome

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Speaker 1: the stigma that has been historically attached to nerding out

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Speaker 1: and happily embrace our passions no matter what they are?

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Speaker 1: To find out? I tagged in an expert who understands

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Speaker 1: the joys and downsides of unashamed fandom. Good morning, good morning.

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Speaker 1: Can you hear us? I? Can can you see me?

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Speaker 1: Someone who's had a unique glimpse into both sides of

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Speaker 1: the fandom relationship. Now we can see you, and with

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Speaker 1: this seeing you comes the like oh my god, oh

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Speaker 1: my god, oh my god, geeking out. But I'm going

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Speaker 1: to try to hold it together. You're doing great. It's

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Speaker 1: also a celebrity who turns me into a bit of

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Speaker 1: a fan girl myself. It's weird to introduce myself. Hi,

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Speaker 1: my name is Will Wheaton. If you're a nerd like me,

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Speaker 1: Will needs no introduction. Will is an author, a blogger,

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Speaker 1: the host of the YouTube board game show Tabletop and

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Speaker 1: Most fa He played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek the

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Speaker 1: Next Generation. But these days Will is happy to be

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Speaker 1: known as a geek. In fact, just a Geek was

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Speaker 1: the title of his first memoir, which chronicled his first

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Speaker 1: steps towards fandom. It was third grade when we went

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Speaker 1: to the library and I got my first sci fi

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Speaker 1: book like. I devoured it, like I think I finished

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Speaker 1: it that day, and that really started me on the

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Speaker 1: path that I walked for the rest of my life.

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Speaker 1: Young Will was especially drawn to one particular sci fi franchise.

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Speaker 1: He fell completely in love with the nineteen sixties TV

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Speaker 1: show Star Trek watching it in syndication over and over

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Speaker 1: and over again, like every time it was on, just

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Speaker 1: everything stopped and I would watch that. That's what I

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Speaker 1: really really loved. So when I was fourteen and found

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Speaker 1: out I was auditioning for a new Star Trek series,

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Speaker 1: I was beside myself. It's pretty rare that a fan

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Speaker 1: gets to become part of the thing they love so much.

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Speaker 1: Will remembers what it felt like to put on his

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Speaker 1: first Starfleet uniform and to walk onto the set of

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Speaker 1: the Enterprise for the first time. When you get there,

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Speaker 1: you cannot see anything else except the reality of the

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Speaker 1: starship that you are on. I loved walking there. I

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Speaker 1: loved being alone there. I loved sitting in that set

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Speaker 1: and pretending it was all real. It was a really safe,

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Speaker 1: really happy place for me. But nerding out to Star

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Speaker 1: Trek stuff wasn't Will's only happy place, you see. Ever

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Speaker 1: since he was a kid, Will has allowed himself to

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Speaker 1: love lots and lots of nerdy things, all as deeply

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Speaker 1: as any cumberbitch worships Benedict. I am familiar with cumber bitches.

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Speaker 1: Will geeks out to dungeons and dragons and old school

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Speaker 1: arcade machines and tabletop board games and action figures and

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Speaker 1: comic books and fantasy novels and Harry styles do I

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Speaker 1: absolutely adore and I never would have liked. Why would

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Speaker 1: I listened to a boy band guy ever in my life?

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Speaker 1: That guy is amazing. What a remarkable human being and

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Speaker 1: so talented. As he explains in his new annotated memoir

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Speaker 1: Still Just a Geek, Will loves having the very intense

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Speaker 1: band based passion that scared Tabitha is so much. Being

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Speaker 1: a nerd is not about the thing you love. It's

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Speaker 1: about the way you love that thing. I really love

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Speaker 1: the part of me that wakes up and sings when

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Speaker 1: I'm around people who love the things with that kind

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Speaker 1: of unself conscious, non judgmental enthusiasm. Will is evangelical about

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Speaker 1: the benefits of just absolutely loving stuff. He's gone from

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Speaker 1: being just a professional geek to becoming a geek evangelist.

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Speaker 1: As it were, It's totally cool to be a nerd

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Speaker 1: and love stuff. Like I've always said, as long as

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Speaker 1: the thing you love doesn't hurt another person, love it

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Speaker 1: as hard as you can, and get as much out

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Speaker 1: of it as you possibly can. And it turns out

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Speaker 1: that science agrees with Will on this point. Being a

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Speaker 1: geek loving, dorky things like your life depends on it

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Speaker 1: has far more powerful psychological benefits than you might expect.

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Speaker 1: We'll explore why when The Happiness Lab returns after the break.

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Speaker 1: So when I was in high school, I was really

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Speaker 1: into Party of Five. I was really into Buffy the

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Speaker 1: Vampire Slayer, the original Roswell. I have a very long

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Speaker 1: list of all of these shows that I sort of

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Speaker 1: went through one by one. This is my former Yale student,

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Speaker 1: The Psychologist, a New York Times bestselling hy A fiction author,

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Speaker 1: Jennifer Lynn Barnes, And it would always be I like

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Speaker 1: watching the show and then it goes into the imaginative

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Speaker 1: but what if where you start running out all the

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Speaker 1: scenarios and coming up with theories and thinking about it

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Speaker 1: before the next episode comes. Because that was back when

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Speaker 1: I was watching week to week and that's sort of

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Speaker 1: my default mode of media consumption and has been my

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Speaker 1: entire life. Jen is an expert on this kind of fandom.

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Speaker 1: As a young adult fiction author, She's created a few

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Speaker 1: of her own big fan franchises. You should definitely check

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Speaker 1: out her hugely popular Inheritance game book series like actor

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Speaker 1: Will Wheaton. Jen is also a self proclaimed nerd. She's

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Speaker 1: seen many of the benefits of geeking out firsthand. I

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Speaker 1: did a lot of daydreaming about fictional characters. I did

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Speaker 1: a lot of that emotional investment, and it did, I think,

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Speaker 1: make me less lonely, but for a house. Most importantly,

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Speaker 1: Jen is also an academic psychologist who publishes on the

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Speaker 1: cognitive and emotional benefits of fandom. Jen has found that

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Speaker 1: if you look at the list of evidence based happiness

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Speaker 1: boosting strategies that I share with my students, geeking out

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Speaker 1: about your favorite TV show, film, or comic book seems

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Speaker 1: to check a lot of those boxes. Let's start with

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Speaker 1: one of the best known stress reducers around play, particularly

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Speaker 1: the kind that emerges when fans become so creatively engaged

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Speaker 1: with the characters they care about that they begin to

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Speaker 1: invent new adventures for them to embark on. I have

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Speaker 1: argued very specifically in specific publications that fan fiction is

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Speaker 1: a form of imaginary play, that it is parallel to

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Speaker 1: either daydreaming in adulthood or actual pretend play in childhood.

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Speaker 1: Jen and others have argued that when fans get together,

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Speaker 1: especially at Big fan gatherings like conventions or cons as

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Speaker 1: they're called, they tend to experience what's known as a

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Speaker 1: shared pretensive reality. It's kind of the adult version of

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Speaker 1: the happiness boosting flow that kids experience when they play

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Speaker 1: together with toys, that fun, cooperative imagined reality where you

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Speaker 1: get to joke around, be social, make believe, and create together.

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Speaker 1: This shared playful reality is something that geek vangelist Will

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Speaker 1: Wheaton really savers at a con that energy is everywhere.

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Speaker 1: One of my favorite things at a con is to

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Speaker 1: walk through the artist's area and the vendors hall and

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Speaker 1: see the small indie artists who make on believably gorgeous

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Speaker 1: works of art and jewelry and paintings and stickers, and

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Speaker 1: figuring they just make stuff to celebrate the fandom that

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Speaker 1: brings so much joy into our lives. But this creative,

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Speaker 1: playful side of geeking out is just the tip of

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Speaker 1: the fandom happiness iceberg. A lot of the well being

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Speaker 1: boost that comes from being a hardcore fan stems from

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Speaker 1: social connection, especially the kind you get from loving the

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Speaker 1: object of your geeki affection through what's known as a

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Speaker 1: parasocial relationship. So parasocial relationships are what media psychologists call

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Speaker 1: the one sided relationships that you form with people you

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Speaker 1: don't actually know through consuming media about them. And those

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Speaker 1: relationships can be formed with real people like singers, politicians, actors,

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Speaker 1: anyone you don't know. Para social relationships can also be

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Speaker 1: formed with people who don't exist, like Sherlock Holmes or

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Speaker 1: Lieutenant Wesley Crusher. And psychologically, based on the literature, it

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Speaker 1: doesn't seem to matter that much whether the person you're

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Speaker 1: forming a relationship with is a real person in your

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Speaker 1: favorite boy band or a fictional character that you've consumed

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Speaker 1: to show about. Either way, these relationships seem to have

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Speaker 1: a lot of the real world benefits of actual relationships.

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Speaker 1: A lot of the recent work on the benefits of

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Speaker 1: parasocial relationships comes from the University of Buffalo psychologists Shara Gabriel,

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Speaker 1: who proposed what's called the social surrogacy hypothesis, and this

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Speaker 1: hypothesis basically says that we are very social creatures with

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Speaker 1: a lot of social needs, but that our brains can

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Speaker 1: be very sneaky about how we are fulfilling those needs.

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Speaker 1: Let's say you have a spouse that supports you and

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Speaker 1: friends to hang out with, but you're a busy mom

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Speaker 1: who lacks a sense of adventure in her life. Your

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Speaker 1: brain will probably be on the lookout for someone, anyone

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Speaker 1: who can fill that excitement hole. And if a suraget

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Speaker 1: happens to come along, say a fictional character like Sherlock

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Speaker 1: who's smart and dashing and hangs out with you every

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Speaker 1: night on television, then your brain quickly latches on. But

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Speaker 1: we don't just use specific characters or celebrities to fill

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Speaker 1: our social needs. Let's say you're a geeky kid like

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Speaker 1: the young Will, who doesn't feel like he belongs. You

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Speaker 1: might gravitate towards an entire fictional world where nerds like

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Speaker 1: you feel more seen, and the evidence suggests that doing

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Speaker 1: so literally expands your horizons. Star Trek looks through the

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Speaker 1: screen and it says, there is the place specifically for

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Speaker 1: you in the future. I loved that. I loved feeling

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Speaker 1: like I wanted to belong somewhere. I wanted to be special.

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Speaker 1: And these people who are not recognizing how special you

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Speaker 1: are going to be forced to recognize it in the

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Speaker 1: future because it will be undeniable. And the science bears

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Speaker 1: out the importance of the kind of belonging that Young

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Speaker 1: Will and other fans get from Star Trek. There's evidence

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Speaker 1: that thinking about a beloved fictional character or world can

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Speaker 1: make you feel less lonely, and studies show that writing

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Speaker 1: about the target of your parasocial relationship can boost your

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Speaker 1: self esteem. So all of the sort of social benefits

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Speaker 1: that you can receive from real world relationships, it seems

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Speaker 1: like there's a version of those benefits that you can

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Speaker 1: receive from these fictional relationships as well. We geeka about

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Speaker 1: our favorite celebrity, we don't only get a social connection

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Speaker 1: boost from parasocial bonds. Fandom can also promote in real

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Speaker 1: life social connection, So it's often very common for a

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Speaker 1: friendship to start in fandom. You have a mutual interest,

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Speaker 1: you're hanging out at the same spots online, you're reading

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Speaker 1: each other's stories or talking about it. You talk when

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Speaker 1: the show is on, but then it goes past that

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Speaker 1: and these people become your friends, lifelong friends. Often the

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Speaker 1: social connection that comes from communities like these can lead

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Speaker 1: to the kind of well being bump that young will

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Speaker 1: experienced firsthand. My childhood was very much defined by loneliness

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Speaker 1: and isolation. I just couldn't find people who I felt

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Speaker 1: safe with. I had been raised to believe that all

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Speaker 1: these things that that were really important to me were

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Speaker 1: weird and kind of stupid. And when I found other

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Speaker 1: people who loved the things that I loved, actually found

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Speaker 1: people who loved me and accepted me and didn't judge

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Speaker 1: me and welcomed me into the community. But like, all

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Speaker 1: of that was a revelation to me. And I think

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Speaker 1: that's what fandom does for many people. It gives them

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Speaker 1: not just a community and not just friends, but that

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Speaker 1: sort of deep and very compelling feeling of this is

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Speaker 1: where I belong. Being a fan can also bring a

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Speaker 1: sense of identity. You become a trekkie or a cumber bitch,

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Speaker 1: you wind up being part of an in group. Research is,

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Speaker 1: like Jen have argued, identifying as a member of a

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Speaker 1: fan franchise works a lot like being part of any

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Speaker 1: group you identify with a bigger collective. They can give

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Speaker 1: you a sense of pride and boost your self esteem.

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Speaker 1: Studies show that fandoms also work like other in groups,

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Speaker 1: and that they tend to promote pro social behavior within

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Speaker 1: the group. Doing exactly the sorts of kind and generous

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Speaker 1: things for other people that we know can boost our mood.

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Speaker 1: But the in group identity that comes from being a

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Speaker 1: fan can also lead to the same darker psychological processes

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Speaker 1: that are observed in real world groups, especially when in

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Speaker 1: group identities get threatened. I mean, think of all the

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Speaker 1: awful atrocities committed by political, religious, or ethnic groups throughout history.

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Speaker 1: In the fan world, that dark side of in group

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Speaker 1: identity can lead to what's called toxic fandom. It's important

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Speaker 1: to point out that the vast majority of fans never

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Speaker 1: turn toxic. But when you have a very large fandom,

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Speaker 1: the one percent who has that level of investment and

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Speaker 1: who also maybe has some personality traits or tendencies that

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Speaker 1: would be problematic even outside of fandom, then you can

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Speaker 1: see those problematic things happening. Actor Will we Insolt just

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Speaker 1: how bad toxic fandom can be. His next generation character,

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Speaker 1: Wesley Crusher, provoked the ire of many Star Trek fans

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Speaker 1: as a smug teenager who seemed to save the day

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Speaker 1: a few times. Often. It wasn't Will's fault that Wesley's

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Speaker 1: character wasn't beloved by the viewers, but the fans aimed

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Speaker 1: their hate directly at the then eighteen year old actor,

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Speaker 1: and it was really rough. Those years of being harassed

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Speaker 1: so badly contributed to Will's decision to step away from

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Speaker 1: the part. I will throw my body down in front

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Speaker 1: of every single person who is being attacked by toxic

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Speaker 1: fandom right now, because I know what it feels like,

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Speaker 1: and I know that you don't deserve it. But despite

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Speaker 1: the toxic behavior he experienced, Will still believes that the

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Speaker 1: benefits of geeking out far away the negatives. Will has

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Speaker 1: also seen that being a fan can literally be life changing.

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Speaker 1: There were adult fans that hated Wesley Crusher, but Will

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Speaker 1: says that many younger fans were inspired to see a

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Speaker 1: teenager on the bridge of the Enterprise. Kids loved that,

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Speaker 1: And I know because I have met hundreds of thousands

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Speaker 1: of them who became adults who are scientists, who are researchers,

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Speaker 1: who are engineers, who are parents, who are politician who

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Speaker 1: grew up inspired by Star Trek. So geeking out, provided

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Speaker 1: you play nice, can be hugely beneficial to your connection

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Speaker 1: and your well being. But throwing ourselves fully into a

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Speaker 1: geeky pursuit is still a thing that many of us

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Speaker 1: are kind of embarrassed about. It can still sometimes feel

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Speaker 1: a bit cringe worthy. So how can we overcome all

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Speaker 1: the guilt and let our proverbial geek flag fly. After

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Speaker 1: the break Cumberbitched, Tabitha Carbon will share how she was

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Speaker 1: able to throw herself into her obsession wholeheartedly, and how

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Speaker 1: the benefits that came from that were far more powerful

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Speaker 1: than she expected. If you find something, anything, that sparks

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Speaker 1: this sense in you of fulfilling a want that is

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Speaker 1: just for you, not for anyone else, and if you

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Speaker 1: were able to embrace it, then it can lead you

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Speaker 1: places that you couldn't anticipate when you took that first step.

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Speaker 1: The happiness lab will be back in a moment. This

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00:24:17,156 --> 00:24:19,436
Speaker 1: feeling that I had towards him was not something that

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Speaker 1: I was looking for in my life. Arthur. Tabatha Carvin

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Speaker 1: was initially scared by her level of obsession with the

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Speaker 1: actor Benedict Kumberbatch. She eventually came to accept her extreme

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Speaker 1: crush and all the joys that came with it. You know,

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Speaker 1: the thing that is scary about it is that I

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Speaker 1: haven't experienced that sense of wanting something so much and

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Speaker 1: pursuing it so wholeheartedly in a long time. And that's

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Speaker 1: actually not something to be afraid of. Tabitha's love of

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Speaker 1: the Sherlock star was something she initially enjoyed, an isolation

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Speaker 1: from other fans. That is, until she was grabbing a

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Speaker 1: book about the actor Arthur Shelf or her local library.

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Speaker 1: It fell open onto this page that had a post

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Speaker 1: it note and an invitation to visit this website to

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Speaker 1: discuss Sherlock and to look at photos Benedict Kumberbat display.

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Speaker 1: Having previous misgivings about joining the ranks of the cumber Bitches,

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Speaker 1: Tabatha's curiosity took over. It went to the forum and

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Speaker 1: connected with the person who left the note, and she

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Speaker 1: was someone just like me. Suddenly Tabatha wasn't alone. She

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Speaker 1: found a getway to her community. Yeah. I really believed

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Speaker 1: that when it first happened to me that I was

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Speaker 1: the first person this could possibly have ever happened to

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Speaker 1: to fall in such a way. It turns out no.

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Speaker 1: In fact, there are like millions of women my age

428
00:25:39,036 --> 00:25:42,276
Speaker 1: and much older in many cases who have just followed

429
00:25:42,316 --> 00:25:45,956
Speaker 1: the exact same experience, And when I connected with them online,

430
00:25:45,956 --> 00:25:50,276
Speaker 1: it just generated the most incredible energy. That energy is

431
00:25:50,276 --> 00:25:53,316
Speaker 1: exactly what the psychologist Jennifer Lenbarne saw time it again

432
00:25:53,396 --> 00:25:56,636
Speaker 1: and her scientific work on fandom, The comfort and joy

433
00:25:56,676 --> 00:26:00,676
Speaker 1: of belonging to a like minded crew. In those online spaces,

434
00:26:00,956 --> 00:26:04,596
Speaker 1: no one was ashamed or embarrassed or guilty, and it

435
00:26:04,676 --> 00:26:07,316
Speaker 1: just you know, they were just letting it all hang out.

436
00:26:07,756 --> 00:26:11,316
Speaker 1: It's just it was a one ful shared community experience.

437
00:26:11,796 --> 00:26:14,556
Speaker 1: The boost Tabitha got from connecting with the Cumberbatch community

438
00:26:14,756 --> 00:26:17,796
Speaker 1: and powder to go fully public, she stopped hiding her

439
00:26:17,796 --> 00:26:21,156
Speaker 1: love for Benedict. She didn't realize that being so vulnerable

440
00:26:21,276 --> 00:26:23,836
Speaker 1: would lead to even more opportunities to connect with the

441
00:26:23,836 --> 00:26:27,916
Speaker 1: people around her. The thing that struck me the most

442
00:26:28,076 --> 00:26:30,596
Speaker 1: is when I actually just went for it and like

443
00:26:30,796 --> 00:26:34,076
Speaker 1: stuck up the Benedict Cumberbatch pictures at my desk at

444
00:26:34,116 --> 00:26:39,116
Speaker 1: work and started wearing the Benedict Cumberbatch memorabilia. Yeah, people

445
00:26:39,316 --> 00:26:42,796
Speaker 1: just like it. People are grateful for them to have

446
00:26:42,876 --> 00:26:46,036
Speaker 1: something to talk to you about and far from being

447
00:26:46,036 --> 00:26:49,596
Speaker 1: a trivial obsession. Tabitha learned that finding Benedict had changed

448
00:26:49,636 --> 00:26:52,716
Speaker 1: the lives of his other fans and surprising and profound ways.

449
00:26:52,996 --> 00:26:59,156
Speaker 1: I was hearing about divorces, new relationships, redirections of sexuality

450
00:26:59,156 --> 00:27:03,876
Speaker 1: and gender to career changes, every single possible change that

451
00:27:03,916 --> 00:27:06,996
Speaker 1: you can possibly imagine, And they and they wanted to

452
00:27:07,076 --> 00:27:09,836
Speaker 1: talk about this change in the context of Benedict, because

453
00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:13,436
Speaker 1: in their mind those things were connected. Of course, Benedict

454
00:27:13,476 --> 00:27:16,196
Speaker 1: wasn't swooping in and personally convincing people to make these

455
00:27:16,236 --> 00:27:20,276
Speaker 1: happiness boosting life changes, but the powerful, one sided parasocial

456
00:27:20,276 --> 00:27:23,916
Speaker 1: relationship that these fans formed with the actor sometimes allowed

457
00:27:23,916 --> 00:27:27,676
Speaker 1: them to identify important, unfulfilled needs that they previously hadn't

458
00:27:27,676 --> 00:27:29,796
Speaker 1: been able to notice. They were at a point in

459
00:27:29,836 --> 00:27:33,756
Speaker 1: their life where they felt stuck, just as as I felt,

460
00:27:33,796 --> 00:27:35,716
Speaker 1: you know, they felt in some way that they were

461
00:27:35,716 --> 00:27:38,516
Speaker 1: not living a life that was representative of who they

462
00:27:38,556 --> 00:27:41,796
Speaker 1: wanted to be. Fan after fan explained to Tabitha that

463
00:27:41,916 --> 00:27:45,036
Speaker 1: allowing themselves to love something as trivial as a television actor,

464
00:27:45,396 --> 00:27:48,836
Speaker 1: and to do so so enthusiastically and so non judgmentally,

465
00:27:49,236 --> 00:27:52,316
Speaker 1: opened a doorway they hadn't anticipated. If you kind of

466
00:27:52,356 --> 00:27:55,516
Speaker 1: step through the doorway saying, you know, this is I

467
00:27:55,596 --> 00:27:57,916
Speaker 1: like this, You know this is something that is making

468
00:27:57,916 --> 00:28:00,796
Speaker 1: me happy. You know, it starts you down a path

469
00:28:01,396 --> 00:28:05,756
Speaker 1: where you can remember that capacity you have of doing

470
00:28:05,796 --> 00:28:08,676
Speaker 1: what you want and knowing what you want. You know,

471
00:28:09,276 --> 00:28:11,796
Speaker 1: to maybe remember those feelings that you had when you

472
00:28:11,836 --> 00:28:15,516
Speaker 1: were younger, when you knew who you were, or you

473
00:28:15,636 --> 00:28:18,796
Speaker 1: knew the kind of joy you were capable of. And

474
00:28:18,876 --> 00:28:22,876
Speaker 1: once you start to exercise that capability, it seems you

475
00:28:22,916 --> 00:28:25,676
Speaker 1: start to demand it more. You start to be able

476
00:28:25,676 --> 00:28:28,796
Speaker 1: to see in your life the ways in which you

477
00:28:28,836 --> 00:28:33,276
Speaker 1: can change your path to achieve it. But did Tabitha

478
00:28:33,316 --> 00:28:36,716
Speaker 1: also experience the happiness boosting doorway effect from geeking out

479
00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:39,836
Speaker 1: of a Benedict. God, it made me happier than I

480
00:28:39,996 --> 00:28:43,116
Speaker 1: was at the time. The doorway effect for me was real.

481
00:28:43,476 --> 00:28:47,276
Speaker 1: He completely got me out of a very bad place.

482
00:28:48,596 --> 00:28:51,076
Speaker 1: Tabitha has clear advice for those who maybe into a

483
00:28:51,076 --> 00:28:54,996
Speaker 1: celebrity TV series or film franchise, but are still reluctant

484
00:28:55,036 --> 00:28:57,516
Speaker 1: to give their passion free reign for fear of being

485
00:28:57,516 --> 00:29:01,276
Speaker 1: belittled or meant to feel self indulgent. You're entitled to it.

486
00:29:01,436 --> 00:29:04,316
Speaker 1: You're completely entitled to it. To just put up that

487
00:29:04,396 --> 00:29:07,396
Speaker 1: kind of block in reaching your own happiness to me

488
00:29:07,556 --> 00:29:11,556
Speaker 1: now seems crazy. She also has advice for those of

489
00:29:11,636 --> 00:29:14,796
Speaker 1: us yet to be comporpatched, people who still haven't found

490
00:29:14,796 --> 00:29:17,396
Speaker 1: that thing to geek out over. I don't like the

491
00:29:17,436 --> 00:29:20,956
Speaker 1: idea that people will hear this and think, but I

492
00:29:20,996 --> 00:29:23,636
Speaker 1: don't love anything, you know, I don't have a passion.

493
00:29:23,956 --> 00:29:27,316
Speaker 1: I understand that reaction entirely because that is how I

494
00:29:27,316 --> 00:29:29,756
Speaker 1: felt before. But I don't think you need anything else

495
00:29:29,796 --> 00:29:32,756
Speaker 1: to feel bad about. I think that you just need

496
00:29:32,836 --> 00:29:36,996
Speaker 1: to be conscious of your interests and facilitate them in

497
00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:39,516
Speaker 1: your life a little more, and also even just to

498
00:29:39,596 --> 00:29:42,596
Speaker 1: carve out a little bit of mental space for yourself.

499
00:29:43,316 --> 00:29:45,676
Speaker 1: And once you give yourself that mental space to notice

500
00:29:45,676 --> 00:29:48,036
Speaker 1: your interests, you also need to make sure that you're

501
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:52,956
Speaker 1: mindfully paying attention, stay alert to that feeling of that

502
00:29:53,036 --> 00:30:00,276
Speaker 1: little spark of you know, intriguing, and instead of shutting

503
00:30:00,316 --> 00:30:02,836
Speaker 1: it down, instead of talking yourself out of it, instead

504
00:30:02,836 --> 00:30:07,356
Speaker 1: of feeling ashamed or embarrassed, or redirecting your energy onto

505
00:30:07,476 --> 00:30:12,436
Speaker 1: something that seems more important, just fan the flame of

506
00:30:12,556 --> 00:30:16,516
Speaker 1: that spark a little and see what happens next. And

507
00:30:16,756 --> 00:30:19,876
Speaker 1: as Tabitha herself is seen, what often happens next is

508
00:30:19,916 --> 00:30:23,596
Speaker 1: more unbridled joy and play and connection and even happiness

509
00:30:23,756 --> 00:30:27,996
Speaker 1: than we initially expected. It seems so trivial, it seems

510
00:30:28,036 --> 00:30:31,716
Speaker 1: so meaningless, it seems so pointless, you know that. I

511
00:30:31,756 --> 00:30:33,836
Speaker 1: think that's one of the reasons that so many people

512
00:30:34,116 --> 00:30:37,076
Speaker 1: cut themselves off at the pass when they have these feelings.

513
00:30:37,076 --> 00:30:39,396
Speaker 1: I'm not going to waste my time on this silly thing,

514
00:30:39,796 --> 00:30:44,596
Speaker 1: but ultimately it can lead you to extremely meaningful places

515
00:30:44,636 --> 00:30:49,996
Speaker 1: just by exercising that capability for joy. When that motivation

516
00:30:50,076 --> 00:30:53,356
Speaker 1: strikes to dive deeper than you initially feels appropriate into

517
00:30:53,396 --> 00:30:56,396
Speaker 1: some movie or sci fi series or celebrity crush, you

518
00:30:56,476 --> 00:30:59,276
Speaker 1: might feel embarrassed or like there have to be healthier,

519
00:30:59,436 --> 00:31:02,516
Speaker 1: more happiness promoting uses of your time. But the science

520
00:31:02,516 --> 00:31:05,236
Speaker 1: shows that geeking out about something, no matter how trivial

521
00:31:05,276 --> 00:31:07,996
Speaker 1: it is, can boost your sense of connection and presence.

522
00:31:08,596 --> 00:31:11,436
Speaker 1: When I'm a hardcore fan, you wind up harnessing an

523
00:31:11,436 --> 00:31:14,916
Speaker 1: important psychological trick that can make you kinder, more playful,

524
00:31:15,076 --> 00:31:18,556
Speaker 1: and more joyous. So unleash you're in her geek. Commit

525
00:31:18,596 --> 00:31:21,356
Speaker 1: to getting cumberbatched with your own unique target of joy.

526
00:31:21,916 --> 00:31:24,156
Speaker 1: You could do a deep dive into a traditional geeky

527
00:31:24,236 --> 00:31:26,996
Speaker 1: interest like star wars or video games or that hot

528
00:31:27,036 --> 00:31:29,476
Speaker 1: new TV star. Or you could geek out about a

529
00:31:29,556 --> 00:31:32,316
Speaker 1: topic all your own. You could become a sour dough

530
00:31:32,356 --> 00:31:35,236
Speaker 1: bread geek, or a croquet geek, or a history geek.

531
00:31:35,596 --> 00:31:37,716
Speaker 1: The key, as Tabitha put it in the title of

532
00:31:37,756 --> 00:31:40,676
Speaker 1: her book is to give yourself permission to love something

533
00:31:40,996 --> 00:31:44,516
Speaker 1: anything like your life depends on it. The happiness benefits

534
00:31:44,516 --> 00:31:52,236
Speaker 1: that follow might be more profound than you expect. The

535
00:31:52,316 --> 00:31:55,076
Speaker 1: Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilley,

536
00:31:55,276 --> 00:31:59,556
Speaker 1: Emily Anne Vaughan, and Courtney Guerino. Joseph Friedman checked our facts.

537
00:32:00,036 --> 00:32:03,956
Speaker 1: Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring,

538
00:32:04,076 --> 00:32:08,356
Speaker 1: mixing and mastering by Evan Viola. Special thanks to Melabelle

539
00:32:08,516 --> 00:32:13,276
Speaker 1: heather Thing, John Schnars, Carli Migliori, Christina Sullivan, Maggie Taylor,

540
00:32:13,436 --> 00:32:17,916
Speaker 1: Eric Sandler, Nicole Morano, Royston Preserve, Jacob Weisberg, and my

541
00:32:18,036 --> 00:32:21,156
Speaker 1: agent Ben Davis. That Happiness Lab is brought to you

542
00:32:21,196 --> 00:32:25,116
Speaker 1: by Pushkin Industries and me Doctor Laurie Santos. To find

543
00:32:25,156 --> 00:32:29,236
Speaker 1: more Pushkin podcasts, listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

544
00:32:29,396 --> 00:32:30,876
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your podcast