Speaker 1: You know, a bigger part of this, actually, if I
Speaker 1: think about it, has been the more that I become
Speaker 1: more comfortable and loving to myself, the more I'm able
Speaker 1: to show up and feel like I am confident in
Speaker 1: who I am. And that means you have to really
Speaker 1: start to show love to yourself. Like, if you're constantly
Speaker 1: trying to hide yourself, there's basically you telling your body
Speaker 1: and yourself that you're not worthy of being in those rooms.
Speaker 1: You're not beautiful enough, or you're not smart enough, or
Speaker 1: you're not whatever enough. Like, stop saying that to yourself.
Speaker 1: Every single thing that you are saying to yourself is
Speaker 1: what you're conscious of other people thinking about you.
Speaker 2: I'm Raley w.
Speaker 1: Kiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we
Speaker 1: embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw,
Speaker 1: unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune
Speaker 1: in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Something that
Speaker 1: I have struggled with for a very very long time
Speaker 1: since I can remember, to be quite honest, and as
Speaker 1: time's gone on and I've had to go to bigger places,
Speaker 1: places with more people, I noticed that it got worse
Speaker 1: and worse and so I went to touch on the
Speaker 1: topic of social anxiety. We all think that we're the
Speaker 1: only one walking into a party feeling anxious, and then
Speaker 1: suddenly you meet someone who doesn't make eye contact with you,
Speaker 1: or another person who blurts random information out when you
Speaker 1: actually didn't ask them for it, or someone else who
Speaker 1: stays quiet in the corner and actually doesn't talk to anybody.
Speaker 1: And then there's that one person who's so loud and
Speaker 1: just won't stop talking. And one thing I've realized is
Speaker 1: that most people, I say ninety nine percent of people
Speaker 1: walk into a room having social anxiety, being worried about
Speaker 1: walking in, getting worried about how they're going to make
Speaker 1: conversation with people. It just manifests differently in every single person.
Speaker 1: And so you may think, wow, how is that person
Speaker 1: so confident because they're speaking so much, But actually that's
Speaker 1: their way of coping with the anxiety is verbal diary.
Speaker 2: I have a friend who's like, I.
Speaker 1: Don't even know why I told that person that it
Speaker 1: just came out of me. I wasn't intending to even
Speaker 1: tell them that about myself that I did. And then
Speaker 1: for me, I'm the type of person who will walk
Speaker 1: into a room and try and be as invisible as possible,
Speaker 1: or find somebody that I know very well.
Speaker 2: And stick to them for the whole entire night.
Speaker 1: And so I've met people who I've always thought are
Speaker 1: so confident and they tell me how anxious they actually get.
Speaker 1: And I've met people who are actually very quiet and they
Speaker 1: actually ooze out being calm and confident, but they're really
Speaker 1: panicked on the inside. So I feel like you can't
Speaker 1: often tell when someone is going through anxiety when they're
Speaker 1: in social situations.
Speaker 2: Social interactions can actually.
Speaker 1: Be so nerve wracking, and at times, for some it
Speaker 1: can trigger the feelings of fear and avoidance. I honestly
Speaker 1: cannot tell you how many times I have said yes
Speaker 1: to going somewhere and pull down an hour before or
Speaker 1: even got fully ready, put my outfit on, done my makeup,
Speaker 1: got in in the car, and got right back out,
Speaker 1: changed back into my pajamas or sweats, and said I
Speaker 1: can't make it, purely because my anxiety.
Speaker 2: Took over all logic and reason in that moment.
Speaker 1: And honestly, there have been times where I've regretted doing it,
Speaker 1: and times where I really haven't, and I was really
Speaker 1: grateful that I listened to myself. It was just me
Speaker 1: protecting myself from something that made me feel uncomfortable or
Speaker 1: at a time that I didn't feel my best to
Speaker 1: show up for other people. But really and truly, social
Speaker 1: anxiety is just the fear that someone else is going
Speaker 1: to see the things that we feel the most insecure about.
Speaker 1: Whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's this heightened fear
Speaker 1: of judgment and rejection. And it can be because of
Speaker 1: so many things, right like, either it's a past negative experience.
Speaker 1: You've gone to a party before, you've gone to an
Speaker 1: event before and somebody made you feel uncomfortable and you'ved
Speaker 1: and that's lingered on inside of you.
Speaker 2: You've kept that with you, so.
Speaker 1: Now every time you enter a similar zone or a
Speaker 1: similar environment, it triggers that feeling.
Speaker 2: Again.
Speaker 1: It could be fear from the perception that others are
Speaker 1: evaluating us critically. You know, we're used to thinking so
Speaker 1: negatively about ourselves. We go into an environment and we
Speaker 1: think that person must be thinking that about me. But also,
Speaker 1: if you look back in time, us as a society,
Speaker 1: from way back in the old ages, we are meant
Speaker 1: to be part of a social group it was essential
Speaker 1: to our survival and so genetically we probably still have
Speaker 1: that in us that makes us fear rejection so deeply
Speaker 1: that we just want to be part of a community,
Speaker 1: We want to be part of something, and that desire
Speaker 1: to be part of something in this day and age
Speaker 1: creates a fear.
Speaker 2: Of being rejected from it.
Speaker 1: I know there's always a spectrum, right, Some have it
Speaker 1: worse than others, and the fears may be deep rooted.
Speaker 1: It may cause panic attacks. So some of these tips
Speaker 1: may not help as much. But if you're someone like me,
Speaker 1: who I really got tired of myself, I was like,
Speaker 1: I am missing out on things. I'm not doing things
Speaker 1: that I want to do that I'm excited to do
Speaker 1: because of this overwhelming fear that takes over me. And
Speaker 1: I honestly just got sick and tired of missing out
Speaker 1: on things or being somewhere but not being fully present
Speaker 1: because I was so in my head coming away from
Speaker 1: things that I was spending time doing and not feeling
Speaker 1: like I gained anything from it, because was I really there?
Speaker 1: Was I even present in that moment? Was I even
Speaker 1: enjoying myself the way that I know I could if
Speaker 1: I wasn't so worried about what other people's people are thinking,
Speaker 1: and so I decided I had to make a change,
Speaker 1: like I needed to do something because I didn't want
Speaker 1: to go the rest of my life feeling that way.
Speaker 1: So ione to share some of the things that I
Speaker 1: have done that have really helped me with social anxiety.
Speaker 1: And some are small, some are big, but most of
Speaker 1: them are very easy things to do and implement into
Speaker 1: your life. So the first thing I want to share
Speaker 1: with you as a reminder that I have to It's
Speaker 1: like a mantra that I have to tell myself every
Speaker 1: single time I get in my head. It is not
Speaker 1: always about you. You may believe that the focus and
Speaker 1: attention is going to be on you. You may think they're
Speaker 1: going to notice every single thing that you could possibly
Speaker 1: imagine is wrong with you. But let me tell you,
Speaker 1: the focus is probably not as much on you as
Speaker 1: you think. I read something along the lines of this
Speaker 1: a while back, and it really shifted my mindset.
Speaker 2: Because we are a little bit self obsessive, we.
Speaker 1: Do think that the world revolves around us, So we
Speaker 1: end up going into a room and saying, of course
Speaker 1: they're going to notice the spot on my face, and
Speaker 1: of course they're going to think I was rude because
Speaker 1: I didn't say X, Y and Z, when really, most
Speaker 1: people are so fixated on themselves in that moment they
Speaker 1: probably don't even notice. They don't notice that spot on
Speaker 1: your face when you're talking to them, They don't notice
Speaker 1: that your hair's in a specific way that you're so
Speaker 1: conscious of. So much of it is us projecting our
Speaker 1: insecurities onto other people and believing that that's what they're seeing.
Speaker 2: I actually have this really weird fear.
Speaker 1: I don't know whether you guys can relate to this,
Speaker 1: but I used to have a fear and still kind
Speaker 1: of do it of being overdressed. And it all stems
Speaker 1: from not wanting to stand out. So I wanted to
Speaker 1: make sure that if I was going to an event,
Speaker 1: my whole like my questioning. My line of questioning would be,
Speaker 1: do you think this is too much? Is this overdressed?
Speaker 1: Do you think I'm wearing something that's gonna stand out
Speaker 1: too much? Are you sure this outfit isn't too much?
Speaker 1: Are you sure this dress isn't too much? And that
Speaker 1: would be the line of questioning before anything else that
Speaker 1: I would ask either my husband or my friends. I'm
Speaker 1: like you sure this isn't too much, and I realized
Speaker 1: it literally was because I just didn't want to stand
Speaker 1: out or seem like I cared too much and put
Speaker 1: in too much effort.
Speaker 2: How pathetic is that?
Speaker 1: Or going to the gym as a beginner, That's something
Speaker 1: I'm sure many people can relate to. You don't want
Speaker 1: to embarrass yourself or for people to think that you
Speaker 1: don't know what you're doing. But the problem with that
Speaker 1: is that it stops you from showing up for yourself
Speaker 1: or even getting better at something that you want to
Speaker 1: be better at. So the first reminder you have to
Speaker 1: give yourself is it's not always about you. And the
Speaker 1: second thing that you have to really think about is,
Speaker 1: am I doing this because it's going to make me
Speaker 1: do something I want to do? Am I stopping myself
Speaker 1: from doing something that's going to make me feel better,
Speaker 1: something that is been on my to do list for
Speaker 1: such a long time, something that is actually going to
Speaker 1: make me feel better once I've done it. And so
Speaker 1: sometimes you have to think about the end feeling and
Speaker 1: the end result to get yourself out of your mind
Speaker 1: in the moment. The next thing is, I feel like
Speaker 1: we've all created these different personalities, especially if you're someone
Speaker 1: who has an online platform, but even if you're going
Speaker 1: to work or you have all these different versions of yourself,
Speaker 1: these different hats that we wear. And what I've realized
Speaker 1: is the more that there's duality in those personalities. So
Speaker 1: I'm one person when I'm online, but then I'm a
Speaker 1: completely different person when I'm offline, and then I'm a
Speaker 1: completely different person when you meet me at an event.
Speaker 1: So one thing I realized is when there's so much
Speaker 1: duality between these different versions of ourself, it actually causes
Speaker 1: a lot of disruption within us. It makes us less
Speaker 1: confident to actually show up as ourself because if you
Speaker 1: think about it, it's just all these different personalities that
Speaker 1: are battling with each other.
Speaker 2: But who are you really? And I think the more
Speaker 2: that you.
Speaker 1: Show up as yourself, whether it's online, offline, whether it's
Speaker 1: at work, whether it's at home, the more comfortable you'll
Speaker 1: feel when you have to go into these situations. You
Speaker 1: don't feel like you have to put a mask on,
Speaker 1: you don't feel like you're having to create a version
Speaker 1: of yourself that doesn't actually exist within you. You get
Speaker 1: to just show up as you, So the less you
Speaker 1: create a version of yourself and you actually just be
Speaker 1: who you are. The easier these situations actually get. I
Speaker 1: can actually really relate to this because behind the camera
Speaker 1: I can be quite confident. I can dance, I can sing,
Speaker 1: I can do all these things. But when people would
Speaker 1: meet me in real life, they'd expect that overtly expressive.
Speaker 2: Person in real life.
Speaker 1: And I am very expressive in real life, but usually
Speaker 1: when I meet people for the first time, I can
Speaker 1: be quite shy, and so that ended up being quite
Speaker 1: confusing for the people I was meeting, because when they're
Speaker 1: being so sweet and giving me so much energy, I
Speaker 1: would recluse and become very shy. And I realized that
Speaker 1: also wasn't fair, because of course they're expecting that person
Speaker 1: that's all they've experienced of me. And so I started
Speaker 1: learning how to match the energy that they had, or
Speaker 1: match the person that I was online as the person
Speaker 1: I am offline, and whether that meant me toning down
Speaker 1: who I was online so that those two personalities met,
Speaker 1: or whether it's bumping up the energy when I'm meeting
Speaker 1: these people because that's who they deserve to meet. But
Speaker 1: essentially it had to be an authentic version of me
Speaker 1: had to be someone that I felt comfortable being, and
Speaker 1: so the next thing that I start doing, I would
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, let me ease myself into this. So
Speaker 1: the first step is getting myself to the party. Let's
Speaker 1: say I do that. I managed to get myself ready
Speaker 1: dressed in the car and actually drive to the place,
Speaker 1: get out of the car, and I end up at
Speaker 1: the event. At this point, if you're someone who suffers
Speaker 1: with social anxiety, your anxiety is probably at its peak
Speaker 1: before even entering in. And I would also keep telling
Speaker 1: myself before I left that you don't have to stay
Speaker 1: there for that long. You can show up and you
Speaker 1: can go for as long as you want, and you
Speaker 1: can leave whenever you want. Just talk to one person
Speaker 1: the whole night and you'll be fine. Give yourself these
Speaker 1: like safety talks before you enter into a place that
Speaker 1: doesn't feel safe. Tell yourself that it's okay to leave,
Speaker 1: Tell yourself that it's okay to not speak to anybody.
Speaker 1: Basically set yourself goals for that evening and that really helps,
Speaker 1: and also give yourself a way out.
Speaker 2: It's like, Okay, if I want to leave.
Speaker 1: I'm just going to say I'm going to the bathroom
Speaker 1: and do a quick Irish exit and just leave and
Speaker 1: message the person after say I had to go somewhere,
Speaker 1: And that really helped me to not feel like I
Speaker 1: was committing to something that felt larger than what I
Speaker 1: could handle. I also think it's important to start having
Speaker 1: more in person conversations. You know, the way that our
Speaker 1: society is now, everything is done via a screen, especially
Speaker 1: after COVID, We've gotten used to having meetings over a screen.
Speaker 1: We're used to having interactions with our friends more often
Speaker 1: over WhatsApp or text message, and so I think it
Speaker 1: basically has completely changed the way that we are used
Speaker 1: to navigating social interactions. They become a one off rather
Speaker 1: than a day to day occurrence, and so start talking
Speaker 1: to people more in real life. It sounds so obvious,
Speaker 1: but if you're not in a job where you have
Speaker 1: in person interaction, you may actually not come into contact
Speaker 1: with new people for days, maybe weeks. So whether it's
Speaker 1: the cashier at a grocery store or someone at your gym, like,
Speaker 1: start making conversation. It doesn't have to be in depth conversation,
Speaker 1: but become comfortable with interacting with new people. Talk to
Speaker 1: your Amazon delivery guy, I was probably there every single day,
Speaker 1: like have conversations and interact with unfamiliar people, because the
Speaker 1: more that you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: the more comfortable it will make you feel. It really
Speaker 1: helps you to retrain and rewire your brain and create
Speaker 1: a comfort level with something that you were once uncomfortable with.
Speaker 1: And it really is such a debilitating thing. Like how
Speaker 1: much energy is wasted in anxiety way more than in happiness.
Speaker 1: I would be anxious all the way there, anxious in
Speaker 1: my head throughout the party, worried about how they're seeing me,
Speaker 1: and then waiting to leave as soon as I got there.
Speaker 1: It was such a boring way to live. And as
Speaker 1: much as I try to convince myself it's them and
Speaker 1: it's not me, it's something that that person did to
Speaker 1: make me feel uncomfortable, there really was a pattern that
Speaker 1: I kept seeing and the common denominator was definitely me,
Speaker 1: not them. And so I made a decision to stop
Speaker 1: putting myself into these uncomfortable situations. No getting in the car,
Speaker 1: getting ready, and no I had to show up and
Speaker 1: have the uncomfortable conversations, make small talk, and I'll be honest,
Speaker 1: I still get social anxiety but I can definitely hold
Speaker 1: my own now. I can really walk into a room
Speaker 1: or walk onto a stage, or walk into places that
Speaker 1: I would have never thought I could, and have full
Speaker 1: on conversations and maybe sweating on the inside, but I'm
Speaker 1: able to show up and move past that and override it.
Speaker 2: And I think that's the point, right.
Speaker 1: Your body is constantly trying to keep you in comfort,
Speaker 1: your mind's constantly trying to keep you in comfort. But
Speaker 1: comfort isn't always where you need to be to do
Speaker 1: the things that you want to do and to become
Speaker 1: the person you want to become. And so once I
Speaker 1: took one step, it became easy to take the next,
Speaker 1: and the next and the next. And now when I
Speaker 1: look back, I don't realize it, but my family does.
Speaker 1: And every time I speak on stage or walk into
Speaker 1: a room, my husband's like, oh my gosh, I can't
Speaker 1: believe how confident you've become. And I don't often realize
Speaker 1: it because it's been such a process for me that
Speaker 1: it's been bit by bit by bit, but it seems
Speaker 1: to be apparent so many more people.
Speaker 2: And yeah, I still feel those feelings inside.
Speaker 1: So that's probably also why I don't see the progress
Speaker 1: but if I think about it, it's true, Like I
Speaker 1: really can make good conversation when I go out and
Speaker 1: I'm on flipping stages with like five hundred people in
Speaker 1: front of me, and I'm giving a talk to them,
Speaker 1: like that would have been something I would have never
Speaker 1: even dreamt of doing five six years ago.
Speaker 2: You know. Another big part of it for me was
Speaker 2: a small talk.
Speaker 1: I'm like, God, I'm going to run out of things
Speaker 1: to say to these people, because what else am I
Speaker 1: going to talk about?
Speaker 2: The weather, what.
Speaker 1: They've done in the day, what holidays they've got coming
Speaker 1: up next?
Speaker 2: Where are you based?
Speaker 1: Like the same questions over and over again. And so
Speaker 1: what I found is actually getting into a meaningful conversation
Speaker 1: with someone feels like more of a win than having
Speaker 1: lots of conversations with lots of small conversations or small
Speaker 1: talk with lots of different people. And so actually trying
Speaker 1: to have meaningful conversations it feels like you've created a
Speaker 1: connection and you've learned something and you've come away with
Speaker 1: something better, which actually boosts your confidence to have an
Speaker 1: interaction the next time. And so what I've started learning
Speaker 1: to do is just being honest with someone, like sometimes
Speaker 1: being vulnerable and honest can create the best connections and
Speaker 1: can skip the small talk them my god, I was
Speaker 1: so nervous to be here today, and they're like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, so was I. And then you suddenly have
Speaker 1: a common thread of something and then you can start
Speaker 1: talking about anything and everything. But creating a moment of
Speaker 1: vulnerability when you are feeling that way or just being honest,
Speaker 1: it relieves you because you feel like you've let go
Speaker 1: of it and you've told someone, so your behavior or
Speaker 1: how you're acting or whatever it is doesn't seem as
Speaker 1: crazy because you've already told the person I'm feeling anxious,
Speaker 1: and more often than not, they'll probably be like, you
Speaker 1: know what, I was nervous to come here by myself too,
Speaker 1: And so start off with honesty and vulnerability and it
Speaker 1: kind of allows you to settle into the room and
Speaker 1: settle into the situation better. The next thing is to
Speaker 1: ask yourself, so what So what if they don't like
Speaker 1: what you're wearing? So what if they don't like you?
Speaker 1: So what if they didn't say hello to you? So
Speaker 1: what if you embarrass yourself? So what if I got
Speaker 1: verbal diarrhea? And give them more information than they asked for.
Speaker 1: Go through all your worst case scenarios and ask yourself,
Speaker 1: so what Working through your fears reduces the emotional power
Speaker 1: of them. And so when you start realizing one how
Speaker 1: sometimes irrational those thoughts are, and two what those fears
Speaker 1: actually are, you get to a point of saying, Okay, so,
Speaker 1: even if all these terrible things happen, what's the worst
Speaker 1: repercussion of it?
Speaker 2: What's the worst response? What's the worst.
Speaker 1: Scenario I could be in? And you'll probably realize it's
Speaker 1: not as bad as you actually think it will be.
Speaker 1: You know, most of the time it'll be something so small,
Speaker 1: and when you think about it over and over again,
Speaker 1: you have a repeated thought over and over again, it
Speaker 1: becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. So something that was
Speaker 1: actually not that scary to you becomes way more scary
Speaker 1: between getting ready and getting to your car, because that's
Speaker 1: the only thought you've had.
Speaker 2: Repeating in your mind.
Speaker 1: And so you have to learn how to break that circuit.
Speaker 1: And so the so what theory is your theory? There's
Speaker 1: so what process is a good one to go through
Speaker 1: in your mind? Rather than repeating the thought of this
Speaker 1: is what's going to happen? This is how bad it's
Speaker 1: going to be. I'm just so nervous about being there.
Speaker 1: That's going to make it so much worse because you're
Speaker 1: not finding a solution. All you're doing is repeating the negative,
Speaker 1: anxious thought, which is making that thing bigger and bigger
Speaker 1: and bigger in your mind. And so walk through your
Speaker 1: fears and hopefully that I'll make you walk to the
Speaker 1: car faster and get in it and get to the event.
Speaker 1: Also focus on the other person, like ask questions, distract
Speaker 1: your mind and fill it with curiosity, like take genuine
Speaker 1: interest in other people. Listen to the words they're saying,
Speaker 1: and start with simple questions like what do you do,
Speaker 1: where do you live? Are you planning any vacations? And
Speaker 1: then if you want to get to know them deeper,
Speaker 1: ask what are they excited about in life right now?
Speaker 1: Or ask about their culture and traditions. Humans are actually
Speaker 1: so fascinating and also love talking about themselves. So if
Speaker 1: you want the heat off, you become curious and create
Speaker 1: good conversation with someone else. You could even go there
Speaker 1: with planned questions. I know this all sounds very silly,
Speaker 1: but it actually really helps. Like go there with three
Speaker 1: culturally relevant topics to talk about you that you feel
Speaker 1: really comfortable speaking on.
Speaker 2: So it could be a show that's trending.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, have you seen Nobody Wants This on
Speaker 1: Netflix lately?
Speaker 2: It is so good.
Speaker 1: I really liked how they did this, this and this.
Speaker 1: It was so wonderful how they brought in culture into
Speaker 1: you know, a show, and.
Speaker 2: It was just feel good. Whatever it is.
Speaker 1: Find a show that you really like and something that
Speaker 1: can lead to another conversation or a holiday that's coming up.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, for the holidays and going back to
Speaker 1: see my family. I'm so excited. Where are your family
Speaker 1: based what traditions do you have for the holidays? Or
Speaker 1: something from the news. You could get political if you
Speaker 1: wanted to, probably shouldn't, but something on the news that happened,
Speaker 1: that's happened. Oh my goodness. Did you hear about X
Speaker 1: Y and Z in Arizona? It was so terrible. I've
Speaker 1: heard things like that are happening so often. Is that
Speaker 1: something you've experienced. I don't know, you know, just get
Speaker 1: creative with the thoughts, with the topics that you can discuss.
Speaker 1: It could even be rest that you visited that were amazing.
Speaker 1: What I do is try and find topics that I
Speaker 1: feel really comfortable talking about, and one of those is
Speaker 1: obviously food, And so I'll usually start off about restaurants
Speaker 1: or like, have you been anywhere fun to eat lately?
Speaker 1: Or when was the last restaurant that you've really enjoyed,
Speaker 1: And then it's going towards a conversation that I know
Speaker 1: I'm comfortable with, and so I can then navigate the
Speaker 1: conversation better because I feel comfortable with the topic. By
Speaker 1: the way, if you're having people over to your house,
Speaker 1: or if it's people that you already know but you
Speaker 1: still get anxious, conversation cards are so good. We've started
Speaker 1: using them a lot, and it helps you to one
Speaker 1: have deeper, meaningful conversations, but also takes the heat of
Speaker 1: having to create the thoughts in your mind or create
Speaker 1: the questions in your mind. So if your friends coming over,
Speaker 1: it's a really nice way to understand each other better.
Speaker 1: Or even on a date situation, if you're getting really
Speaker 1: anxious about going on a date, take some conversation cards
Speaker 1: and get into a conversation with those prompts, because often
Speaker 1: just starting the conversation is what's difficult. Here's another thing
Speaker 1: that really hit me. Sometimes it's not about you. Sometimes
Speaker 1: it's just showing up, because showing up is showing love.
Speaker 1: And so you have to think about how much it
Speaker 1: would mean to that person for you to show up,
Speaker 1: how much it would mean to that person for you
Speaker 1: to commit to what you said you were going to do.
Speaker 2: And so sometimes you.
Speaker 1: Have to just get show up because of duty, a
Speaker 1: duty of being a good friend, of reciprocation, because that
Speaker 1: person shows up for you in that way, and so
Speaker 1: that has to often override the anxious feelings because you're like,
Speaker 1: you know what, my love is more powerful than my anxiety.
Speaker 1: My love for this person is what's going to drive me.
Speaker 1: My anxiety is what's keeping me here. But let my
Speaker 1: love drive me to actually do this, because often it
Speaker 1: is some like for me, I realized it was selfish
Speaker 1: a lot of the time. I don't want this person
Speaker 1: to see this. I don't know if spot on my face.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to bail because I don't feel comfortable. No,
Speaker 1: but my friend is so excited about me showing up
Speaker 1: for her, or this is an event that she's put
Speaker 1: so much hard work into and if I cancel last minute,
Speaker 1: it's just not a nice thing. To do, and so
Speaker 1: morally as a friend or as a human, showing up
Speaker 1: because you said you would is also something you have
Speaker 1: to keep in mind that will get you to overcome
Speaker 1: your anxiety. You know, and Ivada talks about how anxiety
Speaker 1: is too much movement happening in the mind, too much
Speaker 1: going through your mind. There, rapid movement happening. And so
Speaker 1: because your mind and your body are connected, if you
Speaker 1: try and find a way to slow down your body,
Speaker 1: it will also help to slow down your mind. So,
Speaker 1: whether that means taking deep breaths, three deep breaths, like
Speaker 1: the goddessy is just taking that one breath has slowed
Speaker 1: down my entire mind, whether it's grounding yourself, going outside
Speaker 1: and being in nature, basically trying to slow down physically
Speaker 1: to allow your mind to slow down internally too. Also,
Speaker 1: like sing songs out loud to yourself, sometimes you just
Speaker 1: need to get things out of your body too, because
Speaker 1: you're holding it so much inside of you. And so
Speaker 1: on your way to the even put on a loud
Speaker 1: song and sing your heart out, like scream it at
Speaker 1: the top of your lungs. And apparently you can't sing
Speaker 1: and have anxious thoughts, so I really like that. So
Speaker 1: now every time I'm like going somewhere, I put on
Speaker 1: a song they're like a hype song, and I'll sing
Speaker 1: to it and it makes me feel so much better.
Speaker 1: There's also this feeling of like what am I missing
Speaker 1: out on? And I noticed this about myself where because
Speaker 1: I was so conscious of so many different things, I
Speaker 1: was missing out on experiences with friends, with family, I
Speaker 1: was missing out on creating memories with people.
Speaker 2: I was missing out on being present at times.
Speaker 1: And that's also why I noticed my memory lacks so much,
Speaker 1: whether it's names, whether it's things that I've done in
Speaker 1: the past. I realized I wasn't actually physically present because
Speaker 1: I was so in my mind, because I was so
Speaker 1: anxious about being in that place. I wasn't absorbing my surroundings.
Speaker 1: I wasn't absorbing the conversation I was having. Someone tells
Speaker 1: me their name, it doesn't even sit in my mind
Speaker 1: for a second. It barely left their mouth and entered
Speaker 1: my ears. And so I realized how much I was
Speaker 1: missing out on. And so think about that at the
Speaker 1: end of your life. And this sounds very morbid, but
Speaker 1: are you going to care whether you showed up when
Speaker 1: you felt like this or look like this, or are
Speaker 1: you going to be so upset with yourself that you
Speaker 1: didn't enjoy those experiences? Which part are you going to
Speaker 1: take with you and which one's going to mean the most?
Speaker 1: And you know, if you're someone who doesn't actually get
Speaker 1: to interact with people very often, join a club, Like
Speaker 1: we actually go to pick a ball courts a lot
Speaker 1: and we met so many friends just by randomly talking
Speaker 1: to people who are playing in the court.
Speaker 2: Next to us.
Speaker 1: Find hobbies or run clubs or bowling clubs, knitting clubs.
Speaker 1: There's clubs for pretty much everything. Now, we are built
Speaker 1: for connection, and the energy exchange that we get with
Speaker 1: people in real life fuels and comforts us. It shouldn't
Speaker 1: become a point of fear. Like it shouldn't become a
Speaker 1: point of anxiety. We are humans, and humans are built
Speaker 1: for connection. The energy exchange that we get with people
Speaker 1: in real life fuels us and comforts us. It shouldn't
Speaker 1: become a point of fear or anxiety. Unfortunately, we've just
Speaker 1: reprogrammed our brains to feel that way because we've reduced
Speaker 1: the social interaction so much. And so trust me when
Speaker 1: I say, having these in person interactions is what's going
Speaker 1: to fuel you and make you feel more content in
Speaker 1: life than hiding and shying away from it. Make sure
Speaker 1: you're going to these places feeling comfortable. I noticed when
Speaker 1: I push myself to wear things out of my comfort zone,
Speaker 1: or do my hair in ways that don't make me
Speaker 1: feel comfortable, or my makeup, and I overdo it too much,
Speaker 1: I'm already uncomfortable, and then I'm doing something out of
Speaker 1: my norm, which is then making me even more anxious
Speaker 1: about it, and so it just adds to the problem.
Speaker 1: So go out in something that makes you feel yourself
Speaker 1: and your best. It doesn't matter if you're repeating at
Speaker 1: outfit for thee hundredth time. Maybe that's your comfort clothing
Speaker 1: that allows you to show up as the best version
Speaker 1: of you, as your authentic version of you. Whether it's clothes, makeup, jewelry,
Speaker 1: just pick things that make you feel cute and make
Speaker 1: you feel like a boss, not make you feel self
Speaker 1: conscious or just uncomfortable, Like, who's got time to be uncomfortable?
Speaker 1: These days were things that make you feel great. Clothing
Speaker 1: can change the way that you carry yourself and that
Speaker 1: you walk into a room. When I have worked with
Speaker 1: stylists before. They always say I have such a distinct
Speaker 1: they can easily tell when I feel happy in something
Speaker 1: and when I don't. When I don't, I'll walk out
Speaker 1: and I'm like tugging at areas or I'm slouching downwards.
Speaker 1: I'm kind of not looking at myself in the mirror
Speaker 1: as much. I'm like trying to hide different parts of myself.
Speaker 1: And as soon as it's an outfit that I feel
Speaker 1: amazing in, I walk out strutting my stuff like shoulders high,
Speaker 1: head high, looking at myself in the mirror, and so
Speaker 1: start to recognize what are those things that make you feel.
Speaker 2: Really good in your own body.
Speaker 1: At the end of the day, we are living in
Speaker 1: an anxious generation. There is a book called The Anxious Generation.
Speaker 2: I recommend reading it.
Speaker 1: But I have to say this, all these little tips
Speaker 1: have definitely helped me become more confident in shoving up.
Speaker 1: And you know, a bigger part of this, actually, if
Speaker 1: I think about it, has been the more that I
Speaker 1: become more comfortable and loving to myself, the more I'm
Speaker 1: able to show up and feel like I am confident
Speaker 1: in who I am. And that means you have to
Speaker 1: really start to show love to yourself. Like, if you're
Speaker 1: constantly trying to hide yourself, there's basically you telling your
Speaker 1: body and yourself that you're not worthy of.
Speaker 2: Being in those rooms.
Speaker 1: You're not beautiful enough, or you're not smart enough, or
Speaker 1: you're not whatever enough. Like, stop saying that to yourself.
Speaker 1: Every single thing that you are saying to yourself is
Speaker 1: what you're conscious of other people thinking about you. And
Speaker 1: so the less you negatively speak to yourself, the less
Speaker 1: you're gonna imagine that other people are thinking that about you.
Speaker 1: So start telling yourself better things about yourself, Like stop
Speaker 1: putting yourself down, Stop looking at yourself in the mirror
Speaker 1: and pointing out all the things that you hate about
Speaker 1: your body. I think all those things really make a
Speaker 1: difference on a daily basis. Look, you spend the most
Speaker 1: amount of time with yourself, So forget what anybody else
Speaker 1: is thinking or saying.
Speaker 2: What you thinking or saying about yourself. That's what's really.
Speaker 1: Causing all of these insecurities and anxiety in your mind.
Speaker 1: And look, like I mentioned before, I know that this
Speaker 1: is such a spectrum. I know friends who will have
Speaker 1: honest panic attacks when they are in situations like that,
Speaker 1: and things are very deep rooted from traumas that have
Speaker 1: happened when you know, when you're younger or throughout your life,
Speaker 1: and so seeing a therapist that can help you go
Speaker 1: through this rewiring or retraining. You know, cognitive behavioral therapy
Speaker 1: I've heard can be so useful in this, and so
Speaker 1: trying different methods. If these don't work, then definitely try
Speaker 1: and seek help in a therapist because life is too
Speaker 1: precious and time is too precious to be going through
Speaker 1: it in a state of anxiety every single day. Let
Speaker 1: me know if this is helpful. We'd love to hear
Speaker 1: any kind of feedback, and sending your so much love.
Speaker 1: And next time you get scared about going somewhere, put
Speaker 1: on your best clothes, put on your best jewelry, and
Speaker 1: get yourself out there and have some meaningful interactions with people.
Speaker 1: And if it isn't for you, at least you've tried.
Speaker 1: But if you don't try, you will never ever know.
Speaker 1: Thanks so much for listening everyone, and we will see
Speaker 1: you next week.
Speaker 2: Hm m hmmmmmmmmmmmm mm hmm