WEBVTT - How to Overcome Social Anxiety: Simple Tools to Build Your Confidence 0:00:00.120 --> 0:00:02.320 You know, a bigger part of this, actually, if I 0:00:02.360 --> 0:00:05.880 think about it, has been the more that I become 0:00:05.920 --> 0:00:08.880 more comfortable and loving to myself, the more I'm able 0:00:08.920 --> 0:00:11.840 to show up and feel like I am confident in 0:00:11.920 --> 0:00:14.480 who I am. And that means you have to really 0:00:14.520 --> 0:00:17.480 start to show love to yourself. Like, if you're constantly 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:20.280 trying to hide yourself, there's basically you telling your body 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:23.120 and yourself that you're not worthy of being in those rooms. 0:00:23.280 --> 0:00:25.880 You're not beautiful enough, or you're not smart enough, or 0:00:25.920 --> 0:00:28.960 you're not whatever enough. Like, stop saying that to yourself. 0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:30.920 Every single thing that you are saying to yourself is 0:00:30.960 --> 0:00:33.120 what you're conscious of other people thinking about you. 0:00:33.560 --> 0:00:34.240 I'm Raley w. 0:00:34.440 --> 0:00:36.960 Kiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, we 0:00:37.040 --> 0:00:41.080 embrace the messy and the beautiful, providing a space for raw, 0:00:41.159 --> 0:00:45.320 unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune 0:00:45.320 --> 0:00:49.239 in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Something that 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:52.000 I have struggled with for a very very long time 0:00:52.080 --> 0:00:55.160 since I can remember, to be quite honest, and as 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:58.680 time's gone on and I've had to go to bigger places, 0:00:58.760 --> 0:01:02.400 places with more people, I noticed that it got worse 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:04.480 and worse and so I went to touch on the 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.280 topic of social anxiety. We all think that we're the 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:10.680 only one walking into a party feeling anxious, and then 0:01:10.840 --> 0:01:13.640 suddenly you meet someone who doesn't make eye contact with you, 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:17.520 or another person who blurts random information out when you 0:01:17.680 --> 0:01:21.160 actually didn't ask them for it, or someone else who 0:01:21.319 --> 0:01:24.280 stays quiet in the corner and actually doesn't talk to anybody. 0:01:24.760 --> 0:01:27.000 And then there's that one person who's so loud and 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:30.759 just won't stop talking. And one thing I've realized is 0:01:31.000 --> 0:01:34.080 that most people, I say ninety nine percent of people 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:38.280 walk into a room having social anxiety, being worried about 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:40.280 walking in, getting worried about how they're going to make 0:01:40.280 --> 0:01:44.400 conversation with people. It just manifests differently in every single person. 0:01:44.920 --> 0:01:47.440 And so you may think, wow, how is that person 0:01:47.520 --> 0:01:50.200 so confident because they're speaking so much, But actually that's 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:53.440 their way of coping with the anxiety is verbal diary. 0:01:53.520 --> 0:01:54.400 I have a friend who's like, I. 0:01:54.400 --> 0:01:56.240 Don't even know why I told that person that it 0:01:56.360 --> 0:01:58.800 just came out of me. I wasn't intending to even 0:01:58.840 --> 0:02:01.520 tell them that about myself that I did. And then 0:02:01.800 --> 0:02:04.480 for me, I'm the type of person who will walk 0:02:04.520 --> 0:02:07.000 into a room and try and be as invisible as possible, 0:02:07.440 --> 0:02:10.480 or find somebody that I know very well. 0:02:10.240 --> 0:02:13.359 And stick to them for the whole entire night. 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:16.720 And so I've met people who I've always thought are 0:02:16.760 --> 0:02:20.440 so confident and they tell me how anxious they actually get. 0:02:20.680 --> 0:02:23.079 And I've met people who are actually very quiet and they 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:26.800 actually ooze out being calm and confident, but they're really 0:02:26.840 --> 0:02:29.280 panicked on the inside. So I feel like you can't 0:02:29.320 --> 0:02:32.799 often tell when someone is going through anxiety when they're 0:02:32.840 --> 0:02:34.079 in social situations. 0:02:34.680 --> 0:02:36.440 Social interactions can actually. 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:39.120 Be so nerve wracking, and at times, for some it 0:02:39.160 --> 0:02:42.760 can trigger the feelings of fear and avoidance. I honestly 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:45.679 cannot tell you how many times I have said yes 0:02:45.720 --> 0:02:48.680 to going somewhere and pull down an hour before or 0:02:48.720 --> 0:02:53.000 even got fully ready, put my outfit on, done my makeup, 0:02:53.320 --> 0:02:55.919 got in in the car, and got right back out, 0:02:56.080 --> 0:02:58.640 changed back into my pajamas or sweats, and said I 0:02:58.680 --> 0:03:01.959 can't make it, purely because my anxiety. 0:03:01.520 --> 0:03:04.200 Took over all logic and reason in that moment. 0:03:04.480 --> 0:03:07.120 And honestly, there have been times where I've regretted doing it, 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:08.959 and times where I really haven't, and I was really 0:03:08.960 --> 0:03:11.640 grateful that I listened to myself. It was just me 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:15.480 protecting myself from something that made me feel uncomfortable or 0:03:15.600 --> 0:03:17.320 at a time that I didn't feel my best to 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:19.800 show up for other people. But really and truly, social 0:03:19.840 --> 0:03:23.160 anxiety is just the fear that someone else is going 0:03:23.160 --> 0:03:26.160 to see the things that we feel the most insecure about. 0:03:26.400 --> 0:03:30.800 Whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally. It's this heightened fear 0:03:30.840 --> 0:03:33.440 of judgment and rejection. And it can be because of 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:36.200 so many things, right like, either it's a past negative experience. 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:38.200 You've gone to a party before, you've gone to an 0:03:38.240 --> 0:03:41.480 event before and somebody made you feel uncomfortable and you'ved 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:43.000 and that's lingered on inside of you. 0:03:43.000 --> 0:03:44.520 You've kept that with you, so. 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:46.880 Now every time you enter a similar zone or a 0:03:46.920 --> 0:03:49.240 similar environment, it triggers that feeling. 0:03:49.320 --> 0:03:49.600 Again. 0:03:49.800 --> 0:03:52.080 It could be fear from the perception that others are 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.840 evaluating us critically. You know, we're used to thinking so 0:03:55.960 --> 0:03:58.280 negatively about ourselves. We go into an environment and we 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:01.080 think that person must be thinking that about me. But also, 0:04:01.120 --> 0:04:03.480 if you look back in time, us as a society, 0:04:03.920 --> 0:04:07.960 from way back in the old ages, we are meant 0:04:08.040 --> 0:04:10.280 to be part of a social group it was essential 0:04:10.320 --> 0:04:13.600 to our survival and so genetically we probably still have 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:16.679 that in us that makes us fear rejection so deeply 0:04:17.240 --> 0:04:19.080 that we just want to be part of a community, 0:04:19.120 --> 0:04:21.640 We want to be part of something, and that desire 0:04:21.680 --> 0:04:24.040 to be part of something in this day and age 0:04:24.120 --> 0:04:25.000 creates a fear. 0:04:24.880 --> 0:04:26.360 Of being rejected from it. 0:04:27.120 --> 0:04:29.400 I know there's always a spectrum, right, Some have it 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:32.080 worse than others, and the fears may be deep rooted. 0:04:32.160 --> 0:04:34.799 It may cause panic attacks. So some of these tips 0:04:34.800 --> 0:04:37.359 may not help as much. But if you're someone like me, 0:04:37.880 --> 0:04:41.080 who I really got tired of myself, I was like, 0:04:41.279 --> 0:04:43.920 I am missing out on things. I'm not doing things 0:04:43.920 --> 0:04:45.839 that I want to do that I'm excited to do 0:04:45.960 --> 0:04:49.560 because of this overwhelming fear that takes over me. And 0:04:49.600 --> 0:04:52.520 I honestly just got sick and tired of missing out 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:55.360 on things or being somewhere but not being fully present 0:04:55.400 --> 0:04:57.880 because I was so in my head coming away from 0:04:57.880 --> 0:05:00.640 things that I was spending time doing and not feeling 0:05:00.680 --> 0:05:03.680 like I gained anything from it, because was I really there? 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:06.440 Was I even present in that moment? Was I even 0:05:06.560 --> 0:05:08.320 enjoying myself the way that I know I could if 0:05:08.320 --> 0:05:10.880 I wasn't so worried about what other people's people are thinking, 0:05:11.560 --> 0:05:14.719 and so I decided I had to make a change, 0:05:14.839 --> 0:05:16.600 like I needed to do something because I didn't want 0:05:16.600 --> 0:05:18.320 to go the rest of my life feeling that way. 0:05:19.040 --> 0:05:20.720 So ione to share some of the things that I 0:05:20.800 --> 0:05:23.920 have done that have really helped me with social anxiety. 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:26.880 And some are small, some are big, but most of 0:05:26.880 --> 0:05:30.080 them are very easy things to do and implement into 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:33.159 your life. So the first thing I want to share 0:05:33.160 --> 0:05:35.479 with you as a reminder that I have to It's 0:05:35.480 --> 0:05:37.360 like a mantra that I have to tell myself every 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:39.599 single time I get in my head. It is not 0:05:40.120 --> 0:05:43.880 always about you. You may believe that the focus and 0:05:43.920 --> 0:05:46.000 attention is going to be on you. You may think they're 0:05:46.000 --> 0:05:49.400 going to notice every single thing that you could possibly 0:05:49.440 --> 0:05:52.320 imagine is wrong with you. But let me tell you, 0:05:52.480 --> 0:05:55.560 the focus is probably not as much on you as 0:05:55.600 --> 0:05:58.200 you think. I read something along the lines of this 0:05:58.279 --> 0:06:00.000 a while back, and it really shifted my mindset. 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:02.760 Because we are a little bit self obsessive, we. 0:06:02.640 --> 0:06:05.800 Do think that the world revolves around us, So we 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:07.440 end up going into a room and saying, of course 0:06:07.480 --> 0:06:09.680 they're going to notice the spot on my face, and 0:06:09.720 --> 0:06:11.520 of course they're going to think I was rude because 0:06:11.520 --> 0:06:14.240 I didn't say X, Y and Z, when really, most 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:17.160 people are so fixated on themselves in that moment they 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:19.840 probably don't even notice. They don't notice that spot on 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:21.840 your face when you're talking to them, They don't notice 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:24.839 that your hair's in a specific way that you're so 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:28.279 conscious of. So much of it is us projecting our 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:32.080 insecurities onto other people and believing that that's what they're seeing. 0:06:32.800 --> 0:06:34.640 I actually have this really weird fear. 0:06:35.040 --> 0:06:36.479 I don't know whether you guys can relate to this, 0:06:36.600 --> 0:06:39.200 but I used to have a fear and still kind 0:06:39.200 --> 0:06:42.320 of do it of being overdressed. And it all stems 0:06:42.320 --> 0:06:44.760 from not wanting to stand out. So I wanted to 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:47.119 make sure that if I was going to an event, 0:06:47.640 --> 0:06:50.520 my whole like my questioning. My line of questioning would be, 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:53.560 do you think this is too much? Is this overdressed? 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:55.960 Do you think I'm wearing something that's gonna stand out 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:58.320 too much? Are you sure this outfit isn't too much? 0:06:58.360 --> 0:07:00.719 Are you sure this dress isn't too much? And that 0:07:00.720 --> 0:07:03.000 would be the line of questioning before anything else that 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:05.440 I would ask either my husband or my friends. I'm 0:07:05.440 --> 0:07:08.040 like you sure this isn't too much, and I realized 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:09.840 it literally was because I just didn't want to stand 0:07:09.840 --> 0:07:12.080 out or seem like I cared too much and put 0:07:12.120 --> 0:07:12.880 in too much effort. 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:13.960 How pathetic is that? 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:16.080 Or going to the gym as a beginner, That's something 0:07:16.120 --> 0:07:18.240 I'm sure many people can relate to. You don't want 0:07:18.240 --> 0:07:20.200 to embarrass yourself or for people to think that you 0:07:20.240 --> 0:07:22.880 don't know what you're doing. But the problem with that 0:07:23.320 --> 0:07:25.440 is that it stops you from showing up for yourself 0:07:25.520 --> 0:07:27.720 or even getting better at something that you want to 0:07:27.760 --> 0:07:30.160 be better at. So the first reminder you have to 0:07:30.160 --> 0:07:32.520 give yourself is it's not always about you. And the 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:34.560 second thing that you have to really think about is, 0:07:35.200 --> 0:07:37.640 am I doing this because it's going to make me 0:07:37.800 --> 0:07:40.600 do something I want to do? Am I stopping myself 0:07:40.600 --> 0:07:42.640 from doing something that's going to make me feel better, 0:07:43.000 --> 0:07:44.920 something that is been on my to do list for 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.880 such a long time, something that is actually going to 0:07:47.920 --> 0:07:50.200 make me feel better once I've done it. And so 0:07:50.520 --> 0:07:53.760 sometimes you have to think about the end feeling and 0:07:53.920 --> 0:07:57.480 the end result to get yourself out of your mind 0:07:57.520 --> 0:08:00.560 in the moment. The next thing is, I feel like 0:08:00.600 --> 0:08:03.560 we've all created these different personalities, especially if you're someone 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:05.680 who has an online platform, but even if you're going 0:08:05.720 --> 0:08:09.080 to work or you have all these different versions of yourself, 0:08:09.120 --> 0:08:12.400 these different hats that we wear. And what I've realized 0:08:12.440 --> 0:08:15.440 is the more that there's duality in those personalities. So 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:18.080 I'm one person when I'm online, but then I'm a 0:08:18.080 --> 0:08:20.480 completely different person when I'm offline, and then I'm a 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:22.520 completely different person when you meet me at an event. 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.160 So one thing I realized is when there's so much 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:28.880 duality between these different versions of ourself, it actually causes 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:31.640 a lot of disruption within us. It makes us less 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:34.559 confident to actually show up as ourself because if you 0:08:34.559 --> 0:08:36.480 think about it, it's just all these different personalities that 0:08:36.520 --> 0:08:37.720 are battling with each other. 0:08:37.800 --> 0:08:39.880 But who are you really? And I think the more 0:08:39.920 --> 0:08:40.280 that you. 0:08:40.200 --> 0:08:43.280 Show up as yourself, whether it's online, offline, whether it's 0:08:43.320 --> 0:08:46.480 at work, whether it's at home, the more comfortable you'll 0:08:46.480 --> 0:08:49.000 feel when you have to go into these situations. You 0:08:49.000 --> 0:08:50.520 don't feel like you have to put a mask on, 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:53.400 you don't feel like you're having to create a version 0:08:53.400 --> 0:08:56.439 of yourself that doesn't actually exist within you. You get 0:08:56.480 --> 0:08:58.880 to just show up as you, So the less you 0:08:59.000 --> 0:09:01.560 create a version of yourself and you actually just be 0:09:01.840 --> 0:09:05.880 who you are. The easier these situations actually get. I 0:09:05.920 --> 0:09:08.640 can actually really relate to this because behind the camera 0:09:08.679 --> 0:09:11.760 I can be quite confident. I can dance, I can sing, 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:13.920 I can do all these things. But when people would 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:19.400 meet me in real life, they'd expect that overtly expressive. 0:09:18.880 --> 0:09:20.080 Person in real life. 0:09:20.160 --> 0:09:22.760 And I am very expressive in real life, but usually 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:24.240 when I meet people for the first time, I can 0:09:24.280 --> 0:09:27.319 be quite shy, and so that ended up being quite 0:09:27.360 --> 0:09:29.680 confusing for the people I was meeting, because when they're 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:32.160 being so sweet and giving me so much energy, I 0:09:32.200 --> 0:09:35.040 would recluse and become very shy. And I realized that 0:09:35.160 --> 0:09:38.480 also wasn't fair, because of course they're expecting that person 0:09:38.520 --> 0:09:41.040 that's all they've experienced of me. And so I started 0:09:41.120 --> 0:09:43.800 learning how to match the energy that they had, or 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:46.720 match the person that I was online as the person 0:09:46.840 --> 0:09:49.560 I am offline, and whether that meant me toning down 0:09:49.600 --> 0:09:53.600 who I was online so that those two personalities met, 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:55.960 or whether it's bumping up the energy when I'm meeting 0:09:55.960 --> 0:09:58.680 these people because that's who they deserve to meet. But 0:09:58.880 --> 0:10:01.920 essentially it had to be an authentic version of me 0:10:02.000 --> 0:10:04.800 had to be someone that I felt comfortable being, and 0:10:04.840 --> 0:10:06.520 so the next thing that I start doing, I would 0:10:06.520 --> 0:10:09.240 be like, Okay, let me ease myself into this. So 0:10:10.120 --> 0:10:12.360 the first step is getting myself to the party. Let's 0:10:12.360 --> 0:10:14.560 say I do that. I managed to get myself ready 0:10:14.840 --> 0:10:17.319 dressed in the car and actually drive to the place, 0:10:17.720 --> 0:10:19.200 get out of the car, and I end up at 0:10:19.240 --> 0:10:22.200 the event. At this point, if you're someone who suffers 0:10:22.200 --> 0:10:25.120 with social anxiety, your anxiety is probably at its peak 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:27.880 before even entering in. And I would also keep telling 0:10:27.920 --> 0:10:30.840 myself before I left that you don't have to stay 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:32.560 there for that long. You can show up and you 0:10:32.600 --> 0:10:34.000 can go for as long as you want, and you 0:10:34.040 --> 0:10:36.160 can leave whenever you want. Just talk to one person 0:10:36.200 --> 0:10:38.480 the whole night and you'll be fine. Give yourself these 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:41.880 like safety talks before you enter into a place that 0:10:41.880 --> 0:10:45.200 doesn't feel safe. Tell yourself that it's okay to leave, 0:10:45.280 --> 0:10:47.880 Tell yourself that it's okay to not speak to anybody. 0:10:48.679 --> 0:10:52.360 Basically set yourself goals for that evening and that really helps, 0:10:52.400 --> 0:10:53.640 and also give yourself a way out. 0:10:53.679 --> 0:10:54.720 It's like, Okay, if I want to leave. 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:56.440 I'm just going to say I'm going to the bathroom 0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:58.720 and do a quick Irish exit and just leave and 0:10:58.760 --> 0:11:01.120 message the person after say I had to go somewhere, 0:11:01.920 --> 0:11:04.360 And that really helped me to not feel like I 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:06.600 was committing to something that felt larger than what I 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:10.640 could handle. I also think it's important to start having 0:11:10.679 --> 0:11:13.640 more in person conversations. You know, the way that our 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:17.319 society is now, everything is done via a screen, especially 0:11:17.400 --> 0:11:21.160 after COVID, We've gotten used to having meetings over a screen. 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.480 We're used to having interactions with our friends more often 0:11:24.840 --> 0:11:27.960 over WhatsApp or text message, and so I think it 0:11:28.040 --> 0:11:31.440 basically has completely changed the way that we are used 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:36.200 to navigating social interactions. They become a one off rather 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.120 than a day to day occurrence, and so start talking 0:11:39.160 --> 0:11:42.600 to people more in real life. It sounds so obvious, 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:44.600 but if you're not in a job where you have 0:11:44.720 --> 0:11:47.760 in person interaction, you may actually not come into contact 0:11:47.800 --> 0:11:51.040 with new people for days, maybe weeks. So whether it's 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:55.400 the cashier at a grocery store or someone at your gym, like, 0:11:55.559 --> 0:11:58.679 start making conversation. It doesn't have to be in depth conversation, 0:11:59.440 --> 0:12:03.480 but become comfortable with interacting with new people. Talk to 0:12:03.520 --> 0:12:06.400 your Amazon delivery guy, I was probably there every single day, 0:12:06.880 --> 0:12:10.800 like have conversations and interact with unfamiliar people, because the 0:12:10.800 --> 0:12:13.040 more that you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, 0:12:13.120 --> 0:12:15.760 the more comfortable it will make you feel. It really 0:12:15.760 --> 0:12:19.720 helps you to retrain and rewire your brain and create 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:23.600 a comfort level with something that you were once uncomfortable with. 0:12:24.000 --> 0:12:27.040 And it really is such a debilitating thing. Like how 0:12:27.120 --> 0:12:30.600 much energy is wasted in anxiety way more than in happiness. 0:12:31.320 --> 0:12:33.280 I would be anxious all the way there, anxious in 0:12:33.320 --> 0:12:35.760 my head throughout the party, worried about how they're seeing me, 0:12:36.160 --> 0:12:38.120 and then waiting to leave as soon as I got there. 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:41.200 It was such a boring way to live. And as 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:43.440 much as I try to convince myself it's them and 0:12:43.480 --> 0:12:45.520 it's not me, it's something that that person did to 0:12:45.559 --> 0:12:48.600 make me feel uncomfortable, there really was a pattern that 0:12:48.640 --> 0:12:52.200 I kept seeing and the common denominator was definitely me, 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:55.280 not them. And so I made a decision to stop 0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:59.120 putting myself into these uncomfortable situations. No getting in the car, 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:02.560 getting ready, and no I had to show up and 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:06.600 have the uncomfortable conversations, make small talk, and I'll be honest, 0:13:06.640 --> 0:13:09.280 I still get social anxiety but I can definitely hold 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:12.679 my own now. I can really walk into a room 0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:15.720 or walk onto a stage, or walk into places that 0:13:15.760 --> 0:13:18.640 I would have never thought I could, and have full 0:13:18.679 --> 0:13:21.720 on conversations and maybe sweating on the inside, but I'm 0:13:21.800 --> 0:13:25.040 able to show up and move past that and override it. 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:26.240 And I think that's the point, right. 0:13:26.720 --> 0:13:28.960 Your body is constantly trying to keep you in comfort, 0:13:29.000 --> 0:13:31.800 your mind's constantly trying to keep you in comfort. But 0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:34.800 comfort isn't always where you need to be to do 0:13:34.880 --> 0:13:37.079 the things that you want to do and to become 0:13:37.080 --> 0:13:39.080 the person you want to become. And so once I 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:41.720 took one step, it became easy to take the next, 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:44.160 and the next and the next. And now when I 0:13:44.200 --> 0:13:46.720 look back, I don't realize it, but my family does. 0:13:47.040 --> 0:13:50.040 And every time I speak on stage or walk into 0:13:50.040 --> 0:13:52.160 a room, my husband's like, oh my gosh, I can't 0:13:52.160 --> 0:13:55.000 believe how confident you've become. And I don't often realize 0:13:55.000 --> 0:13:56.760 it because it's been such a process for me that 0:13:56.800 --> 0:13:59.199 it's been bit by bit by bit, but it seems 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:00.880 to be apparent so many more people. 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:02.840 And yeah, I still feel those feelings inside. 0:14:02.880 --> 0:14:05.199 So that's probably also why I don't see the progress 0:14:05.720 --> 0:14:07.720 but if I think about it, it's true, Like I 0:14:07.800 --> 0:14:10.960 really can make good conversation when I go out and 0:14:11.200 --> 0:14:14.160 I'm on flipping stages with like five hundred people in 0:14:14.200 --> 0:14:15.800 front of me, and I'm giving a talk to them, 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:17.640 like that would have been something I would have never 0:14:17.679 --> 0:14:19.920 even dreamt of doing five six years ago. 0:14:20.360 --> 0:14:22.200 You know. Another big part of it for me was 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:22.840 a small talk. 0:14:22.880 --> 0:14:24.200 I'm like, God, I'm going to run out of things 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:26.120 to say to these people, because what else am I 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:26.840 going to talk about? 0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:28.280 The weather, what. 0:14:28.240 --> 0:14:30.280 They've done in the day, what holidays they've got coming 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:30.960 up next? 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:32.080 Where are you based? 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:34.600 Like the same questions over and over again. And so 0:14:35.000 --> 0:14:37.840 what I found is actually getting into a meaningful conversation 0:14:37.920 --> 0:14:42.480 with someone feels like more of a win than having 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:45.520 lots of conversations with lots of small conversations or small 0:14:45.560 --> 0:14:49.360 talk with lots of different people. And so actually trying 0:14:49.360 --> 0:14:52.840 to have meaningful conversations it feels like you've created a 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:55.800 connection and you've learned something and you've come away with 0:14:55.840 --> 0:14:58.880 something better, which actually boosts your confidence to have an 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:02.240 interaction the next time. And so what I've started learning 0:15:02.240 --> 0:15:04.960 to do is just being honest with someone, like sometimes 0:15:05.000 --> 0:15:07.800 being vulnerable and honest can create the best connections and 0:15:07.880 --> 0:15:09.920 can skip the small talk them my god, I was 0:15:09.920 --> 0:15:12.080 so nervous to be here today, and they're like, oh 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:14.040 my gosh, so was I. And then you suddenly have 0:15:14.080 --> 0:15:16.080 a common thread of something and then you can start 0:15:16.120 --> 0:15:19.760 talking about anything and everything. But creating a moment of 0:15:19.800 --> 0:15:23.480 vulnerability when you are feeling that way or just being honest, 0:15:23.520 --> 0:15:25.280 it relieves you because you feel like you've let go 0:15:25.320 --> 0:15:28.560 of it and you've told someone, so your behavior or 0:15:28.600 --> 0:15:31.640 how you're acting or whatever it is doesn't seem as 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:34.320 crazy because you've already told the person I'm feeling anxious, 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:37.120 and more often than not, they'll probably be like, you 0:15:37.120 --> 0:15:39.240 know what, I was nervous to come here by myself too, 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:43.320 And so start off with honesty and vulnerability and it 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:46.120 kind of allows you to settle into the room and 0:15:46.120 --> 0:15:49.240 settle into the situation better. The next thing is to 0:15:49.280 --> 0:15:52.040 ask yourself, so what So what if they don't like 0:15:52.080 --> 0:15:54.040 what you're wearing? So what if they don't like you? 0:15:54.280 --> 0:15:56.400 So what if they didn't say hello to you? So 0:15:56.480 --> 0:15:59.160 what if you embarrass yourself? So what if I got 0:15:59.240 --> 0:16:01.720 verbal diarrhea? And give them more information than they asked for. 0:16:02.360 --> 0:16:05.280 Go through all your worst case scenarios and ask yourself, 0:16:05.480 --> 0:16:09.720 so what Working through your fears reduces the emotional power 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:13.640 of them. And so when you start realizing one how 0:16:13.720 --> 0:16:18.480 sometimes irrational those thoughts are, and two what those fears 0:16:18.520 --> 0:16:20.640 actually are, you get to a point of saying, Okay, so, 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:24.120 even if all these terrible things happen, what's the worst 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:25.560 repercussion of it? 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:28.040 What's the worst response? What's the worst. 0:16:27.800 --> 0:16:30.720 Scenario I could be in? And you'll probably realize it's 0:16:30.760 --> 0:16:32.680 not as bad as you actually think it will be. 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:35.200 You know, most of the time it'll be something so small, 0:16:35.200 --> 0:16:36.920 and when you think about it over and over again, 0:16:36.960 --> 0:16:39.560 you have a repeated thought over and over again, it 0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:42.400 becomes bigger and bigger and bigger. So something that was 0:16:42.440 --> 0:16:46.480 actually not that scary to you becomes way more scary 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:49.080 between getting ready and getting to your car, because that's 0:16:49.120 --> 0:16:50.320 the only thought you've had. 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:51.560 Repeating in your mind. 0:16:51.720 --> 0:16:53.920 And so you have to learn how to break that circuit. 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:57.280 And so the so what theory is your theory? There's 0:16:57.280 --> 0:17:00.840 so what process is a good one to go through 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:03.000 in your mind? Rather than repeating the thought of this 0:17:03.080 --> 0:17:04.600 is what's going to happen? This is how bad it's 0:17:04.640 --> 0:17:07.200 going to be. I'm just so nervous about being there. 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:09.760 That's going to make it so much worse because you're 0:17:09.760 --> 0:17:13.639 not finding a solution. All you're doing is repeating the negative, 0:17:14.080 --> 0:17:16.959 anxious thought, which is making that thing bigger and bigger 0:17:16.960 --> 0:17:19.560 and bigger in your mind. And so walk through your 0:17:19.600 --> 0:17:22.119 fears and hopefully that I'll make you walk to the 0:17:22.119 --> 0:17:24.520 car faster and get in it and get to the event. 0:17:25.200 --> 0:17:28.560 Also focus on the other person, like ask questions, distract 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:31.560 your mind and fill it with curiosity, like take genuine 0:17:31.560 --> 0:17:34.560 interest in other people. Listen to the words they're saying, 0:17:35.240 --> 0:17:37.320 and start with simple questions like what do you do, 0:17:37.800 --> 0:17:41.040 where do you live? Are you planning any vacations? And 0:17:41.080 --> 0:17:42.840 then if you want to get to know them deeper, 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.359 ask what are they excited about in life right now? 0:17:45.800 --> 0:17:48.959 Or ask about their culture and traditions. Humans are actually 0:17:49.000 --> 0:17:52.600 so fascinating and also love talking about themselves. So if 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:55.720 you want the heat off, you become curious and create 0:17:55.760 --> 0:17:59.320 good conversation with someone else. You could even go there 0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.520 with planned questions. I know this all sounds very silly, 0:18:01.560 --> 0:18:04.000 but it actually really helps. Like go there with three 0:18:04.080 --> 0:18:07.240 culturally relevant topics to talk about you that you feel 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:08.320 really comfortable speaking on. 0:18:08.359 --> 0:18:09.880 So it could be a show that's trending. 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:13.840 Oh my gosh, have you seen Nobody Wants This on 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:14.720 Netflix lately? 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:15.600