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Speaker 1: Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Couch Talks,

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Speaker 1: which is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy

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Speaker 1: that comes out on Wednesdays, where I answer questions that

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Speaker 1: you guys send into me via email and you can

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Speaker 1: actually send those to me through Catherine at you Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy podcast dot com. I didn't even introduce myself. Hi,

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Speaker 1: I'm Kat. If you're new or newer, I'm so glad

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Speaker 1: you guys are here. And as always, remember this is

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Speaker 1: not therapy. This is just a podcast that helps us

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Speaker 1: think about therapy and might move us in that direction

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Speaker 1: and get us really diving deeper into different parts of

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Speaker 1: our lives. I just got back from a I keep

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Speaker 1: wanting to say a week off, but I didn't actually

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Speaker 1: take a week off because I worked one day in

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Speaker 1: the middle of the week, and so I guess some

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Speaker 1: time off and I got to go visit my best

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Speaker 1: friend in Boston and hang out with her and her

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Speaker 1: husband and her new four month old baby, which was

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Speaker 1: really awesome. And I then went to my grandparents house

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Speaker 1: to clean out my grandma's and my grandpa's house that

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Speaker 1: my actually my mom grew up in it. I guess

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Speaker 1: it was pretty much almost the only house she ever

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Speaker 1: lived in, because I think they moved there two years

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Speaker 1: after she was born. And people keep asking me like,

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Speaker 1: how was your time off or how was your trip

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Speaker 1: And it's like a long winded answer because it was

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Speaker 1: really good. And I don't know if you guys have

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Speaker 1: any of these experiences where what we all do because

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Speaker 1: of the both and but it was really good and

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Speaker 1: it was hard, but the hard part of it was

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Speaker 1: like residual, like it didn't hit me until we were leaving,

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Speaker 1: kind of. And so I just wanted to give some

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Speaker 1: extra special love to those who are graving losses in

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Speaker 1: their lives any kind I always have a heart for

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Speaker 1: that kind of stuff. And also when you go through something,

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Speaker 1: things hit you harder, if that makes any sense, And

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Speaker 1: so I have an extra extra soft spot in my heart,

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Speaker 1: especially this week, for anybody who is grieving. And I

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Speaker 1: learned this lesson that I feel like I've been taught

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Speaker 1: or we've been told our whole lives. And I don't

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Speaker 1: even know the right way to say this, but you

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Speaker 1: know how people always are like, oh, don't take time

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Speaker 1: for granted, or go visit somebody when you can, or

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Speaker 1: call them why you can, or all of that, and

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Speaker 1: I think a part of me has always seen myself

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Speaker 1: as immune, like immune to loss, which is weird because

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Speaker 1: I've experienced loss, and so you just never really think

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Speaker 1: of It's like things like cancer. You never think you're

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Speaker 1: going to be the one that gets the diagnosis until

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Speaker 1: you're the one that gets the diagnosis. So you never

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Speaker 1: really think about losing people until like you've lost somebody.

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Speaker 1: And I noticed a lot of guilt and shame come

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Speaker 1: up for me through this process and regret for not

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Speaker 1: taking the time to appreciate people in my family and

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Speaker 1: in parts of our family and traditions and all of

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Speaker 1: that while I could, because then when you can't anymore,

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Speaker 1: it's like, all of a sudden, all that's all you want.

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Speaker 1: So with that, I would just encourage anybody who is

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Speaker 1: having a hard time making decisions to take time off

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Speaker 1: of work or skip a night with their friends, to

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Speaker 1: go spend time with family, or or run an errand

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Speaker 1: or do something like that for a family member, because

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Speaker 1: that's all I wish I could do now, is like

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Speaker 1: go visit my grandma, even though she might not even

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Speaker 1: want me there, or she might not even have anything

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Speaker 1: to say to me, but it's kind of like, Oh,

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Speaker 1: I wish I could just go drive up there and

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Speaker 1: just sit with her, because that kind of stuff means

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Speaker 1: more to people than you realize. And this is a

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Speaker 1: long winded, not really thought out way to say, like

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Speaker 1: do the things, like do the things, call your grandma,

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Speaker 1: call your mom, call your brother, because again, it's just

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Speaker 1: something that we're taught all the time and told all

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Speaker 1: the time of you won't be able to do it

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Speaker 1: forever and and you never know what could happen, and

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Speaker 1: and don't go to bed, Matt and here's a therapist,

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Speaker 1: right you're rambling to you about how that stuff is real.

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Speaker 1: You don't really ever know when things are going to change,

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Speaker 1: and it could be in the blink of an eye,

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Speaker 1: or it can be slow, so it feels like it's

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Speaker 1: not really happening, and then all of a sudden it happens.

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Speaker 1: And so anyway, it sounds like I just needed to

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Speaker 1: process something today. Anyway, what I'm saying is do all

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Speaker 1: those things. And if anybody is grieving, here's an extra

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Speaker 1: special like through the podcast hug for you, feeling that

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Speaker 1: with you guys. Now. I also wanted to say I

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Speaker 1: don't talk about it much but we do have a

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Speaker 1: merch store on the website You Need Therapy Podcast dot com,

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Speaker 1: where we have really cute t shirt that says feel

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Speaker 1: your Feelings, a mug that says feel your Feelings, and

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Speaker 1: a sticker and some pins that look really cute on

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Speaker 1: like tote bags and I have mine on my gene jacket.

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Speaker 1: So if you haven't looked at that stuff and you

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Speaker 1: need like a gift for something, or maybe you want

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Speaker 1: a gift for yourself, go check that out. You Need

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Speaker 1: Therapy Podcast dot com. You can also set sign up

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Speaker 1: for our newsletter which is called the Self Love Club

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Speaker 1: that comes out every Wednesday, well most Wednesdays. I didn't

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Speaker 1: send it last week because you know, I was doing things,

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Speaker 1: And yeah, you can sign up for the newsletter there,

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Speaker 1: and that is a letter that I sent to people

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Speaker 1: that doesn't get posted anywhere else that you guys just

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Speaker 1: get for being part of that. We also send out

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Speaker 1: discounts randomly for the merch door to the Self Love

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Speaker 1: Club people, and we only give that to them. So

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Speaker 1: shall we get into the things today? Two questions, of course,

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Speaker 1: they're always anonymous. I'm going to read the questions and

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Speaker 1: then I'll give you a little answer, and um, I

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Speaker 1: was gonna say we could talk about it, but we'religious

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Speaker 1: gonna be me talking about it, So here we go.

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Speaker 1: One of the questions is about the episode I did

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Speaker 1: about Codependency two weeks ago, and one of the questions

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Speaker 1: about the episode that came out this Monday about sobriety.

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Speaker 1: So on trend on theme, all right. The first question, Hey, kat,

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Speaker 1: I just listened to the Codependency episode you did, and Wow,

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Speaker 1: it was amazing, such good advice. I must have stopped

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Speaker 1: and started to take notes about fifty times. The question

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Speaker 1: I'm hoping to get answered is in regards to my boyfriend,

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Speaker 1: who have been dating for nineteen months. I feel like

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Speaker 1: he drinks too much, and sometimes he'll finish a bottle

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Speaker 1: of wine by himself in two hours. I've tried to

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Speaker 1: talk to him about it a while back, and he

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Speaker 1: said that he didn't feel the same way I did

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Speaker 1: about it, but if it bothered me, then he would

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Speaker 1: be cognizant of it moving forward. And at first he was,

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Speaker 1: and now he's not so much. We're both going to

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Speaker 1: be fifty this year, and it just seems a little

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Speaker 1: immature to me for our age. I can tell that

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Speaker 1: drinking is something that's important to him, and I know

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Speaker 1: that I am important to him too, but I'm afraid

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Speaker 1: that he will pick the alcohol over me, and so

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Speaker 1: I honestly I am afraid to say something again, and

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to bring it up. Is it

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Speaker 1: better to talk to him about it from the standpoint

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Speaker 1: of how it makes me feel inside, or is it

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Speaker 1: better to come from a factual approach from an addiction

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Speaker 1: This is too much standpoint. Every time I have tried

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Speaker 1: to casually bring it up, he seems to change the

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Speaker 1: subject or agree with me that in quotes, other people

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Speaker 1: shouldn't drink that much, but he under reports drinking himself.

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Speaker 1: I love him a lot, and we talk about marriage

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Speaker 1: in the future, and otherwise we get along very well,

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Speaker 1: but my codependency keeps me stuck here. Any advice would

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Speaker 1: be greatly appreciated. So one, I'm going to go ahead

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Speaker 1: and say that you're not alone in this struggle that

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Speaker 1: you're feeling right now, and I think that it is

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Speaker 1: extremely brave encourageous of you to even reach out and

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Speaker 1: ask for feedback, because I bet, deep down you may

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Speaker 1: have a feeling or an inkling that what you need

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Speaker 1: to do might be really hard and scary, and so,

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Speaker 1: of course, as always I try to never tell people

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Speaker 1: what to do. But I'm just gonna We're just gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about this and see just notice what comes up

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Speaker 1: in you as I start talking. It sounds like, if

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Speaker 1: I'm reading this correctly, to that his drinking has a

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Speaker 1: negative effect on you and your relationship. And it also

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Speaker 1: sounds like there's a fear that if you ask for

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Speaker 1: something that you need, the relationship will be threatened. So,

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Speaker 1: to answer your question very simply, I'm gonna do this first.

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Speaker 1: I believe it's always better to talk from a place

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Speaker 1: of me rather than to quote unquote preach to someone

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Speaker 1: as to um why what they're doing is wrong. When

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Speaker 1: we do that, often our partners will just automatically go

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Speaker 1: into a defense mode, or they'll dissociate and kind of

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Speaker 1: just shut you down, and so it's not really fruitful.

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Speaker 1: And so I always really think coming from a place

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Speaker 1: of this is what comes up for me when this happens,

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Speaker 1: is probably the best route. Doesn't always get what we

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Speaker 1: want because we can't always control our people, but that's

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Speaker 1: always going to be my go to. Now, what you're

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Speaker 1: really asking for, I believe is a way that he

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Speaker 1: can care for you better. And I hear that him

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Speaker 1: evaluating his drinking habits would feel very loving and caring

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Speaker 1: because it's something that brings up some concern and fear

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Speaker 1: in you. So what I would do is I would

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Speaker 1: really sit and process out, like what are the feelings

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Speaker 1: that are coming up? What are the stories I make

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Speaker 1: up in my head? And use the confrontation dialogue UM

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Speaker 1: that I've given before on couch talks to communicate with

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Speaker 1: him really simply and um from a place of eye

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Speaker 1: where you say, when blank happens, I feel blank. What

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Speaker 1: it brings up in me is this, And this is

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Speaker 1: what I'm asking now. I'm gonna go off on a

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Speaker 1: little tangent with this question for a second, because I

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Speaker 1: think that this is such a common theme that you're

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Speaker 1: talking about. And what I want everybody to know is

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Speaker 1: that in healthy relationships, you can have conflict and hard

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Speaker 1: confrontations without the relationship being at risk of ending right,

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Speaker 1: And you can even have conflict and you can call

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Speaker 1: it arguments or fights or whatever. We call this rupture,

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Speaker 1: and then we can have repair, Like that's a healthy thing.

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Speaker 1: We actually want that to happen. It creates stronger relationships.

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Speaker 1: So when there's a fear of a relationship ending because

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Speaker 1: conflict might arise, that spikes me as a kind of

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Speaker 1: a red flag. Now there's more to it, so I

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Speaker 1: can't say every time that happens that means a red

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Speaker 1: flag or something's wrong, something's off. But as a rule

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Speaker 1: of thumb, if we are afraid that when we bring

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Speaker 1: up a need, conflict will arise and the relationship will

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Speaker 1: end because of said conflict, that is kind of like

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Speaker 1: the buzzer, like a siren going off of something's going

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Speaker 1: on here. I also hear a lot of people in

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Speaker 1: could event relationships say that they don't want to give

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Speaker 1: ultimatums because that's unhealthy. And this might be unpopular opinion,

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Speaker 1: or I guess the kids call this a hot take

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Speaker 1: these days, but I think that ultimatums have gotten a

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Speaker 1: bad reputation and a lot of times an ultimatum is

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Speaker 1: a boundary, and there's nothing wrong with that, because if

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Speaker 1: something isn't working for you and your needs aren't getting met,

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Speaker 1: then you don't have to stay in that relationship and

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Speaker 1: suffer just because you don't want to give an ultimatum.

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Speaker 1: And when we change our needs to avoid losing our relationship.

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Speaker 1: That's another siren. So we do this thing out of fear.

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Speaker 1: And now I think a lot of people do this.

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Speaker 1: So if you're listening to this and you're like, you're

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Speaker 1: probably not alone in this. I know about this thing

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Speaker 1: because a lot of people do it. Um But we

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Speaker 1: do this thing out of fear where our needs, expectations

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Speaker 1: and standards become really fluid in order to make the

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Speaker 1: people in our lives static. However, I believe it should

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Speaker 1: be the other way around. I think that the needs, expectations,

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Speaker 1: and standards that we have in our lives, those things

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Speaker 1: get to be the things that remain the same, Like,

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Speaker 1: those things don't have to change. Now, I'm staying this

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Speaker 1: from a really zoomed out perspective where I don't know

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Speaker 1: the ins and outs of what your needs and expectations

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Speaker 1: and standards are. But I think that in romantic relationships

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Speaker 1: and friendships and stuff like that, like the people should

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Speaker 1: be more fluid. And we do these little dances all

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Speaker 1: the time where we're trying to make sure that people

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Speaker 1: stay in our lives and our standards change and we

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Speaker 1: accept things that really we're worth more than because we

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Speaker 1: don't want to lose these people. But in hindsight, if

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Speaker 1: we lose this people, we open up space to get

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Speaker 1: our needs met. But if we keep these people in

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Speaker 1: our lives, then our needs and it will never get met.

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Speaker 1: And so we kind of trap ourselves in that. And

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Speaker 1: I get why we do that, and it makes sense.

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, just because it makes sense

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean it's healthy or what you deserve. So all

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Speaker 1: on that to say, I think I answered your question

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Speaker 1: simply in the sense that like if if the question

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Speaker 1: is just like how do I approach it, it's come

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Speaker 1: from a place of what you need, and with that

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Speaker 1: also would really evaluate of what I'm willing to accept

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Speaker 1: and what I'm wanting out of a relationship, especially if

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Speaker 1: I'm going to marry this person and beat with them forever.

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Speaker 1: And um, I love that you're even thinking about this

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Speaker 1: because I think a lot of people go into denial first,

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Speaker 1: because denial really is helpful at times because then we

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Speaker 1: don't do anything, and then we don't have to change,

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Speaker 1: and then also things don't get better. But for you

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Speaker 1: to actually say, like, hey, something's up like this is

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Speaker 1: worth looking into, I think that's amazing. So thank thank

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Speaker 1: you for that question. I hope this helps. I always

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Speaker 1: feel a little bit like I don't know if the

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Speaker 1: word is anxious. I don't you know, as a therapist,

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Speaker 1: I should really have a better way to say that,

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Speaker 1: more concise way to say that, But I always feel

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Speaker 1: a little bit We're gonna go with anxious with these

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Speaker 1: questions because I can't really give you a solid answer.

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Speaker 1: All I can do is kind of talk about the

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Speaker 1: subject and give you some things to think about. So

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Speaker 1: I hope that helped, is what I'm trying to say.

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Speaker 1: Second question, Hey, kat, I listened to your episode on

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Speaker 1: Gray Area drinking and didn't intend to really get much

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Speaker 1: out of it, but actually related to a lot of

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Speaker 1: what was said without going into too much detail. I

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Speaker 1: was wondering if you can give some insight into how

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Speaker 1: to know if you should consider sobriety. I've never thought

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Speaker 1: of myself as an addict, but now I think it

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Speaker 1: may be something that hurts me more that helps. Any

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Speaker 1: feedback would be awesome, as I already know you can't

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Speaker 1: tell me what to do. Well, thank you for that

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Speaker 1: last sentence, because you just like calmed some of my

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Speaker 1: anxiety from the question before. No, I can't tell you

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Speaker 1: what to do. What I can do is offer some

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Speaker 1: sitions that you can ask yourself so that you then

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Speaker 1: can make a decision on what works best for you

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Speaker 1: and your life and what actually would help you live

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Speaker 1: the most fulfilling one. Now, I think this question is

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Speaker 1: a little bit hard to navigate because I don't believe

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Speaker 1: that we have to be addicted or abusing a substance

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Speaker 1: to not want or needed in our lives. We don't

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Speaker 1: have to have a reason to not want to drink,

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Speaker 1: like it can just be a thing that we decide,

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Speaker 1: and that is that we don't have to make this complicated.

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Speaker 1: But you know, as humans are, we like to make

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Speaker 1: things complicated. So I just wanted to say that first.

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Speaker 1: I think that because alcohol is so widely used and

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Speaker 1: accepted that now we feel like we have to have

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Speaker 1: a reason, But you don't have to have one, So

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Speaker 1: I wanted to get that out of the way first. Also, obviously,

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Speaker 1: our culture glamorizes substance of use, and getting black out

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Speaker 1: drunk is like a write of passage or something, especially

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Speaker 1: in college. And I'm not going to sit here and

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Speaker 1: act like I've never had too much to drink in

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Speaker 1: my life. But what I do know is that it's

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Speaker 1: not something that we should be proud of, and it's

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Speaker 1: not funny. It's actually really scary and dangerous. And I

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Speaker 1: could talk about that for a long time, but this

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Speaker 1: is supposed to be a short episode, so there's that.

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Speaker 1: This is actually a very simple question to answer and

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Speaker 1: to give feedback on, because all I'd really ask you

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Speaker 1: to consider is why is this even a thought you have?

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Speaker 1: If we are questioning if alcohol is damaging to our lives,

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Speaker 1: then chances are it probably is, but we don't want

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Speaker 1: to admit it. The second thing I would encourage you

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Speaker 1: to do is just try it out. That will give

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Speaker 1: you a lot of information, Like think about, like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what would happen if I if I stopped drinking for

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Speaker 1: a month, six months, a year, can I even do it?

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Speaker 1: What feelings come up? What was hard about it? What

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Speaker 1: was easy about it? What were the benefits? There's so

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Speaker 1: much that can come out of just trying it out.

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Speaker 1: And then if you're like, ah, that didn't really matter, Okay,

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Speaker 1: then you can start drinking again. And if you were

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Speaker 1: like I actually couldn't go one day without drinking, then

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Speaker 1: it might be okay, I think I need some help.

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Speaker 1: And if it was actually I felt like there was

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Speaker 1: so much benefit to that. I don't know that drinking

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Speaker 1: actually would outweigh that. And if it's of not drinking, like,

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Speaker 1: there's so much you could learn out of just trying

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Speaker 1: it out, so I'd really encourage you to do that.

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Speaker 1: I also think that when we try something like that out,

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Speaker 1: we need to do it for like more than a week,

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Speaker 1: So I would suggest you do it for a little

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Speaker 1: bit longer than that, at least I mean at least

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Speaker 1: a month. If I was really trying to see the

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Speaker 1: benefits and the costs of getting rid of something a

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Speaker 1: substance like alcohol, probably would do it for at least

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Speaker 1: three to six months and then see what comes up

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Speaker 1: for you. Now that to say, I want to remind

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Speaker 1: you guys that I am not all of y'all's therapists,

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Speaker 1: and this isn't therapy, and I'm not telling anybody what

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Speaker 1: to do or how to even find sobriety, just trying

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Speaker 1: to give some feedback on a question. And I think

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Speaker 1: this question is actually also a really courageous one because

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Speaker 1: when we do struggle with substance abuse, one of the

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Speaker 1: strongest indicators of that is denial, and um, so I

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Speaker 1: think pushing past some of that and really being like, well,

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Speaker 1: wait a second, something might be going on is huge.

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Speaker 1: So I commend the person who sent that question in

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Speaker 1: and anybody else who is listening and taking some notes

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Speaker 1: on this. So I think this wraps up this episode

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Speaker 1: of couch Talks, and like I said, if you have

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Speaker 1: any questions, send them to me at Catherine at you

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy podcast dot com. You can follow the podcast

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Speaker 1: at at you Need Therapy Podcast on Instagram. You can

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Speaker 1: follow me at at cat dot defata and I will

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Speaker 1: talk to you guys again on Monday