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Speaker 1: You're listening to Alive Again, a production of Psycopia Pictures

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Speaker 1: and iHeart Podcasts.

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Speaker 2: I can't say that there was an inevitability that I

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Speaker 2: would get in this accident, but it needed to happen.

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Speaker 2: I'm Blair Kremins, and one of the dumbest things I

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Speaker 2: ever did ended up changing my life for the better,

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Speaker 2: even though I almost died. The way that the accident

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Speaker 2: went down is just a tremendous metaphor for what was

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Speaker 2: happening in my life. Because as this dog was pulling

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Speaker 2: me on a skateboard, that's just me letting the world

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Speaker 2: take me where it wants me to go.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Alive Again, a podcast that showcases miraculous accounts

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Speaker 1: of human fragility and resilience from people whose lives were

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Speaker 1: forever altered after having almost died. These are first hand

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Speaker 1: accounts of near death experiences and more broadly, brushes with death.

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Speaker 1: Our mission is simple, find, explore, and share these stories

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Speaker 1: to remind us all of our shared human condition. Please

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Speaker 1: keep in mind these stories are true and maybe triggering

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Speaker 1: for some listener Discretion is advised.

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Speaker 2: I'm an Atlanta based musician, been playing with a kind

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Speaker 2: of I guess best way to describe it as a

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Speaker 2: swing band called Blair, Crimins and the Hookers. We've been

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Speaker 2: touring and playing around regionally and nationally and abroad for

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Speaker 2: about coming up on fifteen years. We had sort of

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Speaker 2: a unique blend of ragtime, Dixie Land, gypsy jazz, trad jazz,

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Speaker 2: New Orleans jazz with a worn section. I play an

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Speaker 2: old timey tenor banjo, which is sort of almost an

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Speaker 2: obsolete instrument but was very big during the early jazz

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Speaker 2: age and swing guitar. I'm a songwriter, guitar player, singer,

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Speaker 2: banjo player, and an arranger as well for the for

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Speaker 2: the horn section, at least for the first first couple albums. Now,

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Speaker 2: I like to sub that out to somebody else bigs

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Speaker 2: even better than me. But yeah, I've been a musician.

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Speaker 2: I've been playing guitar since I was very young. Started

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Speaker 2: at when I was eight years old, and it was

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Speaker 2: when I started this band, the swing band Blair Comes

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Speaker 2: the Hookers, that it really took off as being a profession.

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Speaker 2: When I picked up the guitar of just immediately I

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Speaker 2: knew all other aspirations as a kid. I want to

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Speaker 2: be an astronaut or you know, a marine biologist or anything.

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Speaker 2: Just I never spoke of anything else again. More importantly,

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Speaker 2: I was going to be a rock star. That was

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Speaker 2: what I was going to do. I was it was.

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Speaker 2: I was born in nineteen eighty, so at this time,

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Speaker 2: it was the late eighties, and MTV was just full

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Speaker 2: of the most insane rock stars, you know, bands like

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Speaker 2: Guns N' Roses and Poison and Motley Crue and the

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Speaker 2: Big Hair and everything, and it was all about this

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Speaker 2: kind of joyous like partying too. You know. It was

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Speaker 2: before the grunge stuff started making everything more depressing and existential.

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Speaker 2: It just looked like, these dudes are having the best

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Speaker 2: time in the world, and I want to do that

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Speaker 2: for my living, you know, if I want to do

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Speaker 2: that for a job. I was born in Atlanta. I

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Speaker 2: did not grow up in a religious family. My parents

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Speaker 2: were fairly liberal and allowed me to listen to what

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Speaker 2: I want, and it was never really forced to go

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Speaker 2: to church or anything. I joined youth group for maybe

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Speaker 2: a month or two and quickly fell out of that.

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Speaker 2: Once I took up guitar, I did become serious about music,

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Speaker 2: and I played relentlessly and became interested in all different genres.

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Speaker 2: I took lessons for classical and then became really heavily

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Speaker 2: into jazz before I went to college. So I did

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Speaker 2: become a student of music. But by the time we

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Speaker 2: get to where I was in the incident, I was

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Speaker 2: playing in a rock band and I was kind of

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Speaker 2: playing it defiantly. I had gone to Berkeley and was

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Speaker 2: put through the Academia of music and kind of left

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Speaker 2: with this bad taste in my mouth. They just kind

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Speaker 2: of ruined everything fun about music. So the pendulum had

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Speaker 2: swung back and forth a couple of times where it

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Speaker 2: was just I'm serious about music, and then why am

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Speaker 2: I so serious about music? You know, we need to

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Speaker 2: lighten up to play music for the reasons we started

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Speaker 2: playing music, not so we could be snooty and I

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Speaker 2: act like we're better than everybody else. You know, I'm

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Speaker 2: playing mus for the people. So I started doing the

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Speaker 2: rock thing that was in the early two thousands, and

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Speaker 2: it was something that I really really enjoyed and I

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Speaker 2: was super passionate about. And I was writing music for

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Speaker 2: the first time, writing my own songs, and my friends

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Speaker 2: were loving them. And that's kind of who we started

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Speaker 2: out playing for, was just big groups of friends and

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Speaker 2: we'd bring out all of our friends to the bar,

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Speaker 2: to the venue, and everybody would be partying and screaming,

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Speaker 2: and sure enough, I had that rock star feeling, you know.

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Speaker 2: Being that was the early two thousands, that back then

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Speaker 2: there was this thing called a record deal, which you

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Speaker 2: don't really hear about too much anymore. And in Atlanta

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Speaker 2: there was a music scene, a lot of rock bands

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Speaker 2: playing around, and I think there was an unspoken competitiveness,

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Speaker 2: and I mean it was something that was talked about,

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Speaker 2: for sure, but I think everybody was kind of wanting

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Speaker 2: to be that next group, the line to get signed.

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Speaker 2: That kind of scene really is more of a popularity contest.

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Speaker 2: I think it becomes it starts to feel like that.

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Speaker 2: I mean, all music is a popularity contest. It should

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Speaker 2: be based on your music is popular because it's good,

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Speaker 2: not as popular because you're cool, you know, or you

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Speaker 2: look you dress cool or whatever. So I guess I

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Speaker 2: felt the pressure to just be out every night and

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Speaker 2: to be partying. And and there's something to be said

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Speaker 2: for that. If you are going to be working in music,

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Speaker 2: you should be out, be seen, network, you know, go

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Speaker 2: to events, support the community. All that is great, great stuff.

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Speaker 2: But I was in my twenties. So it was not

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Speaker 2: I didn't have a real professional mindset about going out.

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Speaker 2: It was, We're going to go out and party every

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Speaker 2: every night. The only night I'm not going out is

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Speaker 2: when I'm too hungover from the night before. I was

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Speaker 2: not a terribly destructive person, but I did feel like

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Speaker 2: a bit of an exhibitionist, sometimes taking excessive risks, drinking

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Speaker 2: to excess, and you know, if if there was something

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Speaker 2: destroyed on stage, that was cool, you know, I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: have said that at the time. You know, I would

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Speaker 2: have been like, no, I'm not trying to prove anything.

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Speaker 2: I don't care what anybody thinks. But now, when I

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Speaker 2: think of about that time in my life, I think

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Speaker 2: I was more concerned than I let on about what

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Speaker 2: people think, because I was I was getting into well

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Speaker 2: into my twenties and that fantastic fairy Tale record deal

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Speaker 2: hadn't come and they don't give those out to people

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Speaker 2: in the thirties, so I felt like time was slipping by,

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Speaker 2: and for whatever reason, my instinct was to double down

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Speaker 2: on the bad stuff and not double down on making

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Speaker 2: important music. You know, I was trying to do what

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Speaker 2: I thought was expected of me, and the way I

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Speaker 2: looked in the way that I had behaved, and even

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Speaker 2: the places that I went and the people that I

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Speaker 2: hung out with, it was all that's what was expected

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Speaker 2: of somebody in a band. I was drifting, and I

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Speaker 2: wasn't necessarily super depressed about that, but I was just

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Speaker 2: letting time slip away, and in the back of my mind,

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Speaker 2: I knew that something needed to change, but I was

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Speaker 2: too afraid to let go of the dream. It would

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Speaker 2: mean I failed. It's a beautiful weekend in Atlanta, Georgia.

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Speaker 2: I'm twenty seven years old, and there was some kind

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Speaker 2: of festival that we went to. I met up with

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Speaker 2: some friends from out of town and we went to

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Speaker 2: the park, saw some live music. We were heading back

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Speaker 2: to my apartment. I lived in a little five points

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Speaker 2: in this apartment complex that was built into an old school.

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Speaker 2: It was called the Bass Lofts. It used to be

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Speaker 2: a high school, so all the rooms looked like classrooms

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Speaker 2: and there was a giant parking lot. So we get

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Speaker 2: back to my house and I decide I need to

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Speaker 2: walk the dog real quick, and I can't leave out

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Speaker 2: the fact that I had been drinking all day. I

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Speaker 2: let my friends hang out in the apartment grab my

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Speaker 2: roommates skateboard, which I did every day, and let my

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Speaker 2: American bulldog pull me through the parking lot. I was

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Speaker 2: doing this dog walk on the skateboard on a daily basis.

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Speaker 2: My neighbors would see me outside and the dog was

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Speaker 2: pulling me around on the skateboard and they would all laugh.

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Speaker 2: And it was an American bulldog, really muscular, basically a

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Speaker 2: pit bull, and I needed to give her some good exercise.

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Speaker 2: So this was something I did during the day quite often.

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Speaker 2: And this is something that I don't remember. I have

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Speaker 2: no recollection. I could try my hardest to just pull

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Speaker 2: up this fuzzy memory of kind of swaying in the

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Speaker 2: wind at night in the Atlanta humidity, through being pulled

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Speaker 2: through the darkness and this parking lot with nobody out there.

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Speaker 2: But that's only because I know that's what happened. I'm

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Speaker 2: not sure if that's a real memory or not. At

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Speaker 2: some point, the skateboard slips out from under me and

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Speaker 2: I crack my skull. I hit the pavement so hard

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Speaker 2: that I'm unconscious, and it fractured the base of my

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Speaker 2: skull into my ear canal and blood started pouring out

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Speaker 2: of my ear. The way that the accident went down

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Speaker 2: is just a tremendous metaphor for this mentality, for what

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Speaker 2: was happening in my life. Because as this dog was

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Speaker 2: pulling me on a skateboard, that's just me letting the

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Speaker 2: world take me where where it wants me to go,

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Speaker 2: there was something else pulling me.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: I'm laying there in the parking lot, and luckily one

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Speaker 2: of the neighbors, a friend of mine, came out to

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Speaker 2: walk her dog and found me lying there in a

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Speaker 2: pool of blood. So she starts screaming and calling for help.

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Speaker 2: My friends they hear her and come running out. This

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Speaker 2: is where I start to piece together a couple of

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Speaker 2: things that I can call memories. I do remember fighting,

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Speaker 2: and I was very combative. One of my friends had

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Speaker 2: to tackle me because I wouldn't get into the into

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Speaker 2: the ambulance. I was so furious and so combative and

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Speaker 2: so in denial of what happened. I just did not

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Speaker 2: believe anybody. I thought they were pulling me into this ambulance,

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Speaker 2: that this is dumb. What are you doing. I'm going

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Speaker 2: to go in. I kept saying, I'm going to go

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Speaker 2: inside and just and go to sleep. I'll be fine.

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Speaker 2: And then they'd say, Blair, you are bleeding. Like feel

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Speaker 2: your ear, And I felt this wet substance coming out

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Speaker 2: of my ear, and I said, one of you jerks

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Speaker 2: poured beer in my ear while I was asleep. They're like, no,

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Speaker 2: it's blood, and and then it would register on my

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Speaker 2: face for a second and then snap right back into

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Speaker 2: just total total denial. I have these faint memories of

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Speaker 2: running and getting tackled. Eventually I'm tied down. I uh

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Speaker 2: have another faint memory of waking up in the hallway

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Speaker 2: in the corridor of the hospital triage, waiting to get

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Speaker 2: checked in, and hearing doctors screaming and patients screaming and

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Speaker 2: nurses yelling back and forth, not just for me, but

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Speaker 2: for the other you know, trauma that had been in

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Speaker 2: their gunshots and car wrecks and everything. And I was

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Speaker 2: only conscious for a few seconds and then and then

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Speaker 2: that's the last thing that I that I remembered. So

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Speaker 2: then I wake up in a hospital room surrounded by

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Speaker 2: family members, friends. They're looking at me and kind of laughing,

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Speaker 2: you know, and and say they say, what day is it?

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Speaker 2: And I said Sunday, I guess, I said, no, it's Tuesday.

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Speaker 2: And then one of my friends says, uh, yeah, you

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Speaker 2: might want to give up your skateboarding career, Tony Hawk,

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Speaker 2: you know, and like what happened. I had dramatic brain injury,

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Speaker 2: major concussion. Had to do some healing, so obviously they

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Speaker 2: kept me sedated. That's why I, you know, woke up

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Speaker 2: two or three days later. I remember getting the news

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Speaker 2: that there was no brain damage and crying because I

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Speaker 2: felt out of sorts still, you know, you know, didn't

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Speaker 2: know how what my life was going to be like

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Speaker 2: moving forward. It was very very emotional. And then shortly

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Speaker 2: after that it was getting released in the hospital. All

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Speaker 2: I had to do was count count by seven, you know, seven, fourteen,

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Speaker 2: twenty one, twenty eight. They're like, okay, you could do it.

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Speaker 2: You're good to go head home, no medications, no suggestion

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Speaker 2: for a physical therapy or anything. Just go home and recover,

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Speaker 2: rest up. And so that's what I did. I went

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Speaker 2: down to stay with my parents. They had moved to Florida.

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Speaker 2: They had a doctor friend that came by and I

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Speaker 2: was asking him about some stuff because I still felt

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Speaker 2: very confused. The concussion was affecting me. I felt like

231
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Speaker 2: I was having a problem with word recall and just

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Speaker 2: just confusion in general. And he was like, give what

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Speaker 2: you geed to do is just rest, you know, go

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00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,080
Speaker 2: go hang out at the beach, and you know, have

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Speaker 2: a drink. I said I should, I could, I could

236
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,160
Speaker 2: have alcohol. And they're like, oh why not, don't overdo it,

237
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,920
Speaker 2: but no reason why you can't have a beer. So

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Speaker 2: I'm like, okay. So I was just getting the impression

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Speaker 2: from the professionals around me that all it was going

240
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:17,080
Speaker 2: to take was time. And then that night, my mom

241
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:21,880
Speaker 2: was cooking and my dad was in the kitchen and

242
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:26,000
Speaker 2: he said, oh, smells good in here. That was when

243
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:36,240
Speaker 2: I noticed I don't smell anything. Why can't I smell anything?

244
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:40,160
Speaker 2: Why can't I smell this garlic? Grabbed a lemon? Nothing?

245
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:45,880
Speaker 2: I'm freaking out. I knew about this condition previously because

246
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Speaker 2: I had a friend who he had a head injury

247
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Speaker 2: and he lost his sense of smell at permanently. And

248
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,200
Speaker 2: we all knew about this condition that he had because

249
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,760
Speaker 2: it also affected a sense of taste, and we would

250
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,080
Speaker 2: sometimes make jokes about it because he always wanted to

251
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,640
Speaker 2: go to these places to eat that we thought were

252
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,720
Speaker 2: terrible because he can't taste it. He doesn't know how

253
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,920
Speaker 2: bad this freak of food is, and it's somebody I

254
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,600
Speaker 2: just you know. I love food, I love smelling stuff.

255
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:17,320
Speaker 2: I'm going to really miss this, the sense of smell.

256
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,160
Speaker 2: So I went to a doctor and they told me

257
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:24,080
Speaker 2: that it's called anasema and what happens when you hit

258
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,360
Speaker 2: your head that impact. It can sever the old factory

259
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:33,320
Speaker 2: nerves and your nose, yeah, something about the bone there

260
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,560
Speaker 2: in your nose, right where your nose goes into your skull.

261
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,760
Speaker 2: And they said it can come back, we just don't.

262
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:44,840
Speaker 2: There's no way of predicting it. And the general rule

263
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,360
Speaker 2: is if it doesn't come back in a year, it's

264
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:51,760
Speaker 2: probably not going to I'm like, okay, a year of

265
00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:57,200
Speaker 2: this and that sums up my entire next year. It

266
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,880
Speaker 2: was the weirdest damn year of my life. No sense

267
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:05,320
Speaker 2: of smell. I had this vertigo type symptoms where whenever

268
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:08,440
Speaker 2: I'd lean over or put my head in a position

269
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:12,480
Speaker 2: other than upright, I would get dizzy, and as an

270
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,840
Speaker 2: overall kind of malaise, I say confusion, but it was

271
00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:20,000
Speaker 2: also just me looking at the world and my surroundings

272
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:27,960
Speaker 2: and not being terribly inspired or impressed, not finding the

273
00:17:28,119 --> 00:17:32,720
Speaker 2: humor in things. That I would normally laugh at. Imagine

274
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:34,520
Speaker 2: yourself being in a room full of people that are

275
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:37,760
Speaker 2: just cracking jokes one after another, and everybody's laughing, and

276
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:42,560
Speaker 2: you're telling yourself you should laugh now, because everybody else

277
00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:48,320
Speaker 2: is why aren't you finding this funny? It was just

278
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:52,040
Speaker 2: a strange, strange time. And that album came out, the

279
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,960
Speaker 2: album with my band and that should heal nicely with

280
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,640
Speaker 2: the name of it, and everybody had a big laugh

281
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,280
Speaker 2: about that, including myself. I'm just going through the motions

282
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,760
Speaker 2: and I'm still and I'm playing this music and releasing

283
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,919
Speaker 2: this album, and it's a time when I would normally

284
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,199
Speaker 2: be very elated, you know, this work of art that

285
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:13,240
Speaker 2: I worked on and come out. I remember just taking

286
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:16,240
Speaker 2: taking the CD and just kind of throwing it on

287
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,200
Speaker 2: the desk, like, Okay, I guess this is this is done.

288
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,760
Speaker 2: I did this thing, and we were playing shows, and

289
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:28,360
Speaker 2: I did not feel the same enthusiasm. I wasn't amusing

290
00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:33,280
Speaker 2: myself with the usual rockstar bullshit. I was playing and thinking, man,

291
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,719
Speaker 2: why did I write this song like this, you know?

292
00:18:37,359 --> 00:18:40,120
Speaker 2: And why do I not feel like playing this next

293
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:44,040
Speaker 2: tune tonight? You know? I always liked it before I

294
00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:45,800
Speaker 2: was also in a state where I didn't really know

295
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:50,439
Speaker 2: who I was anymore. Maybe you ever wrote this song

296
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:54,240
Speaker 2: that represented them, But this, sir as hell, doesn't represent

297
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,800
Speaker 2: the way I feel right now. It's not inspiring me.

298
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,640
Speaker 2: When I look back at the music, I can look

299
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,760
Speaker 2: at it with an outsider perspective, you know, and I could,

300
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,040
Speaker 2: And like I said, whoever wrote this collection of songs

301
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:16,879
Speaker 2: wasn't really sure what direction they wanted to go. No,

302
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,480
Speaker 2: we sounded like we were trying to be a bunch

303
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,520
Speaker 2: of different people at the same time. You know, one

304
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,520
Speaker 2: album sounded like the Police, the other sounded like the

305
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,840
Speaker 2: White Stripes, The other sounded like somebody completely different. One

306
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,720
Speaker 2: sounded like Talking Heads, one sounded like Modest Mouse. You know,

307
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:34,840
Speaker 2: all great groups, but not me. This doesn't seem like me.

308
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,840
Speaker 2: I became very disenchanted with the whole thing, the music,

309
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:47,520
Speaker 2: my life, and I was feeling depressed. I didn't really

310
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,240
Speaker 2: have anybody that I was intimate with, not only physically,

311
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,120
Speaker 2: but in that way where I could where they could

312
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:58,919
Speaker 2: tell me if if I was acting strange. So I

313
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:09,760
Speaker 2: began to speculate, I'm feeling strange. Does everybody think I'm weird?

314
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,320
Speaker 2: You know, people are noticing so much as I called

315
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 2: family and I said, Hey, did the doctors tell you

316
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,399
Speaker 2: something was wrong with me and then say not to

317
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:26,439
Speaker 2: tell me about it? You like paranoia, Paranoia that I

318
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,960
Speaker 2: wasn't you know, I wasn't being informed of some sort

319
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,960
Speaker 2: of diagnosis and that I was going to be dealing

320
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,399
Speaker 2: with the rest of my life. And somebody told me

321
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,439
Speaker 2: that they had a massive concussion one time and they

322
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,960
Speaker 2: felt strange for a year, and that checked out with

323
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,000
Speaker 2: what the doctors were telling me about my sense of smell.

324
00:20:41,359 --> 00:20:47,560
Speaker 2: So I began to change things. I had a ukulele

325
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,440
Speaker 2: that I bought at some point that I never really played.

326
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:52,720
Speaker 2: I strommed around on it. You know, ukuleles are cheap,

327
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,720
Speaker 2: little music shop things, and it's an open tuning. It's

328
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,119
Speaker 2: very easy to play. It's kind of like an impulse buy.

329
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,119
Speaker 2: You know. I had no plan to be a ukulele player,

330
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,600
Speaker 2: but for some reason I picked it up. I was

331
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,760
Speaker 2: drawn to it. It sounded, it sounded great. Some reading

332
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:09,679
Speaker 2: that now I have this attraction to this instrument, and

333
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:16,359
Speaker 2: I wrote a song on it. I wrote a song

334
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:21,479
Speaker 2: about a girl that that I was infatuated with. It

335
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:25,920
Speaker 2: wasn't returning, turning any interest at all. It was a

336
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:30,440
Speaker 2: very romantic, lonely song called without You on ukulele, and

337
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:33,520
Speaker 2: and it was unlike anything that I had written with

338
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:38,159
Speaker 2: my old band. Well, the song started fitting locking the

339
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:41,960
Speaker 2: old chats and wonder aulus.

340
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:46,280
Speaker 3: Longer I could keep mind cool bone was always ringing, the.

341
00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:53,000
Speaker 2: Just harmonically, the chord progression, the entire just atmosphere of

342
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,919
Speaker 2: the vibe, and on an instrument that I never played,

343
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,439
Speaker 2: and I would play it for I was playing it

344
00:21:57,440 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 2: for people and they were really impressed this and let me,

345
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:03,080
Speaker 2: this is this fantastic song. It was like a It

346
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,480
Speaker 2: was like a jazz standard and it just came out

347
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:08,520
Speaker 2: of nowhere, you know, like a like I mean, I'm

348
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,959
Speaker 2: not relating myself the Coleport or a Gershwin, but it

349
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,119
Speaker 2: was that kind of song where it felt like the

350
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,280
Speaker 2: lyrics and the music were written at the same time.

351
00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,320
Speaker 2: Every day, Without You, it was a waste of my

352
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:31,159
Speaker 2: time while I'm waiting aside and dream member, I'll sure

353
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:42,879
Speaker 2: sleep ben without you. Without Previously, it seemed like my

354
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,040
Speaker 2: songs were either the music directed where the lyrics were going,

355
00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:48,960
Speaker 2: Like I would write a song first and then I

356
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,399
Speaker 2: have to write these tunes to fit into the to

357
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,359
Speaker 2: fit into the song, and now it's just kind of

358
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,320
Speaker 2: my whole mentality on writing a song is that when

359
00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:57,920
Speaker 2: people ask me do you write the song, that when

360
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,960
Speaker 2: you write a song, do you write lyrics or music first?

361
00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:04,320
Speaker 2: The right answer is both at the same time. You know,

362
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,240
Speaker 2: you change one, you change the other, just so it

363
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:11,720
Speaker 2: seems like they were born together. I never felt so

364
00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:16,119
Speaker 2: proud of a tune before I brought it to a

365
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:21,760
Speaker 2: band practice to play with my band, and uh just

366
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:25,879
Speaker 2: couldn't make it work. You know, it just was not fitting.

367
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 2: It was putting a square peg in a round hole.

368
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:33,040
Speaker 2: There was no way that the configuration, the instrumentation, and

369
00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:35,119
Speaker 2: the type of player that I was with was gonna

370
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,240
Speaker 2: make the song work. Everybody just wanted to hear me

371
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:41,960
Speaker 2: play by myself, and so that's where I was just like,

372
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,119
Speaker 2: all right, it's time to follow this. This is the

373
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:48,080
Speaker 2: first time I felt good about something in a while,

374
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,160
Speaker 2: and I feel like more, more stuff is gonna come out,

375
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,399
Speaker 2: you know, and I need it because I feel so empty. Anyways,

376
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,560
Speaker 2: I need to follow this feeling. And I I wasn't

377
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,080
Speaker 2: seeing the future in the band, so I did. I

378
00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:11,359
Speaker 2: quit the band. Everybody was really angry at me about that.

379
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:17,000
Speaker 2: Not just band members but our friends and friends. Slash

380
00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,240
Speaker 2: fans who came out to all the shows were livid

381
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,960
Speaker 2: and they, you know, just thought I was the biggest

382
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,800
Speaker 2: asshole for doing this. But I didn't care at this point.

383
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:32,119
Speaker 2: At this point, I felt so strange, you know, feeling

384
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,480
Speaker 2: like an asshole wasn't that bad?

385
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:34,520
Speaker 1: You know.

386
00:24:36,560 --> 00:24:40,080
Speaker 2: I started a job working at a bar and I

387
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:45,440
Speaker 2: was still suffering no sense of smell, vertigo, social awkwardness

388
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:48,800
Speaker 2: and everything. I had a regular that would come in

389
00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,919
Speaker 2: for lunch and sit at the bar, and she was

390
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,960
Speaker 2: a doctor over at Emory. I don't know how long

391
00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,520
Speaker 2: it was, but eventually I told her about my accident

392
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:03,240
Speaker 2: and she said, wait a second, so you haven't had

393
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:06,120
Speaker 2: this test done. She gave me a list of things

394
00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:07,840
Speaker 2: to do. I told her about the loss of sense

395
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:10,119
Speaker 2: of smell, vertigo and everything. She said, okay, well you

396
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,320
Speaker 2: need to go and get this blood test where a

397
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:16,360
Speaker 2: hormone scan, and what you have going on with your

398
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:20,720
Speaker 2: head can be helped with vestibular therapy. And she also said,

399
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:22,879
Speaker 2: they told you that you'll never get your sense of

400
00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:25,640
Speaker 2: smell back, or that it might never come back. But

401
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,919
Speaker 2: what they didn't tell you is that you could. You

402
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,800
Speaker 2: could train your senses to come back. You could regrow

403
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,919
Speaker 2: those those neurons. And what you need to do is

404
00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:36,520
Speaker 2: go in your spice cabinet and grab all the different bottles,

405
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 2: close your eyes and smell them one at a time.

406
00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:44,199
Speaker 2: Train your old factory senses to come back. This was

407
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:47,960
Speaker 2: this was like a new hope. You know, these things

408
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,800
Speaker 2: could be fixed. I thought I was just supposed to

409
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:53,280
Speaker 2: wake them out and they and it wasn't getting better

410
00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:57,440
Speaker 2: fast enough for me, so I just called this lady

411
00:25:57,520 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 2: my angel. She also said you need to exercise your brain.

412
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:12,119
Speaker 2: Do some puzzles every day, do crossword puzzles and sudoku,

413
00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:22,320
Speaker 2: read and piano. She said piano works really well. Luckily

414
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,160
Speaker 2: I inherited this little spinet piano. You know, my grandma's

415
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:28,439
Speaker 2: piano almost like a spin It's like a piece of

416
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 2: furniture that's also a piano. But it put it but

417
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:35,320
Speaker 2: you know, it fit in my apartment. It gave me

418
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,159
Speaker 2: this new motivation. I'm gonna go home and play piano

419
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,199
Speaker 2: because this doctor has told me that it's gonna be

420
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,919
Speaker 2: good for my brain, and my brain is fucking broken.

421
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,600
Speaker 2: So I start playing piano and I write a song

422
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 2: and it's the first song for my soon to be

423
00:26:51,119 --> 00:27:02,520
Speaker 2: new band. It's called March of the Hookers.

424
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:04,480
Speaker 1: Dance, Babe and dance.

425
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:09,919
Speaker 2: They're gonna get all the cash and dance on your

426
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:14,199
Speaker 2: Head's got a pass tax selling romance right away? You

427
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:21,520
Speaker 2: run at loud for you And it's all about the

428
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,800
Speaker 2: music industry and how and how you know we're all

429
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,960
Speaker 2: hookers because we do whatever people ask of us. It

430
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,640
Speaker 2: was me remembering who I was before in some way

431
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:38,040
Speaker 2: and looking at it with disgust, but also some sort

432
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,920
Speaker 2: of acceptance that that you know, that that is I'm

433
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:43,760
Speaker 2: still in that industry. If I'm gonna write new music,

434
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:45,560
Speaker 2: I'm still gonna be dealing with that. But it was

435
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,359
Speaker 2: a jazz song, man. It was like a Tom Wait's

436
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:53,000
Speaker 2: kind of style, cabaret jazz tune, sort of in the

437
00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 2: same vein is what I wrote on the ukulele.

438
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:56,080
Speaker 4: Yeah, a hook.

439
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 2: Not a rock tune. And then I wrote another one

440
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 2: on the piano. I wrote two more songs. I wrote

441
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,520
Speaker 2: like three songs within the same week on the piano.

442
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,520
Speaker 2: I'm playing piano every day. Suddenly I'm a piano player.

443
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:24,480
Speaker 2: Swear and welcome on top of that, I started doing

444
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,000
Speaker 2: the exercises with the sense of smell and I went

445
00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:34,480
Speaker 2: to go get vestibular therapy. Inside your ears are these

446
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:37,120
Speaker 2: little bags that hang in there like weights that keep

447
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,200
Speaker 2: their counterbalances for you to you know, not fall over,

448
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:43,640
Speaker 2: and they're filled with tiny rocks. And you might want

449
00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,600
Speaker 2: to fact check me on my pronunciation of things, but

450
00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:51,520
Speaker 2: they're called octaconia. I think ear rocks, you know. And

451
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,720
Speaker 2: when I fell and hit my head, the ear rocks

452
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,160
Speaker 2: came out of the little bag, and they're floating around

453
00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:00,000
Speaker 2: in my ear canal and the wrong place. So they

454
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,000
Speaker 2: do is they put you on a table with your

455
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:05,800
Speaker 2: head hanging off, and they manipulate your head, turning it

456
00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:09,600
Speaker 2: in all these different directions to move them through the

457
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:13,320
Speaker 2: winding path of your ear canal, to get them either

458
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,480
Speaker 2: back in the bag or to get them released into

459
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,800
Speaker 2: your bloodstream so they're not not just like bouncing around

460
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:20,800
Speaker 2: in a weird place, throwing you off. Do you remember

461
00:29:20,840 --> 00:29:23,120
Speaker 2: that game Labyrinth where you have like the little ball

462
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:25,640
Speaker 2: on top of the of the piece of wood with

463
00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,560
Speaker 2: the holes in it, and you have to navigate the ball.

464
00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:32,680
Speaker 2: That's vestibular therapy inside your skull, and before that I

465
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,120
Speaker 2: described the feeling I was having as it felt like

466
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:40,640
Speaker 2: my head was only half full of blood, and sometimes

467
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:43,880
Speaker 2: I would need to move my head around to completely

468
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:54,120
Speaker 2: submerge my brain and the fluid that needed. So I

469
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,400
Speaker 2: get the vestibular therapy. I'm getting over my vertigo. I'm

470
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:01,800
Speaker 2: writing songs on the piano. I am now living in

471
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:07,560
Speaker 2: Cabbage Town, which is a really small historic neighborhood in Atlanta.

472
00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:09,719
Speaker 2: All the houses of from the early nineteen hundreds. It's

473
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:13,160
Speaker 2: built around a cotton mill factory. The town was built

474
00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:16,960
Speaker 2: for the workers, and so a big chunk of history.

475
00:30:17,200 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 2: Everything is old timey looking. Also a punt inheriting my

476
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 2: grandma's piano. I also got a lot of old furniture.

477
00:30:25,440 --> 00:30:29,200
Speaker 2: I was kind of surrounded by nostalgia and history, and

478
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:31,600
Speaker 2: I think that was starting to inspire the songs I

479
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:35,320
Speaker 2: was writing too. So at that point my record player

480
00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:36,880
Speaker 2: was getting a lot of use. I was putting on

481
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:40,480
Speaker 2: vinyl records. Started digging into some of the records in

482
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 2: the back of the shelf. Louis Armstrong, Fat Swaller, Bessie Smith,

483
00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:49,040
Speaker 2: Johnny Mercer, Frank Sinatra, everything from the earliest incarnations of

484
00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:53,360
Speaker 2: jazz to the crooners, and that was just feeding into it,

485
00:30:53,360 --> 00:30:59,200
Speaker 2: got em jewet positive, and so I started going with that,

486
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,480
Speaker 2: and I started writing writing more tunes that sounded like

487
00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 2: rag time tunes, and then that dictated what instrument I needed.

488
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:10,000
Speaker 2: I wrote a ragtime song, and I said, something's missing

489
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,239
Speaker 2: from this. It needs a banjo. And and so then

490
00:31:13,280 --> 00:31:16,280
Speaker 2: I did my research on all the twenties recordings they had.

491
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 2: Banjo is a major percussive instrument in the background, and

492
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,120
Speaker 2: what that particular type of banjo is not the bluegrass

493
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 2: banjo that you're familiar with in Georgia. It's a jazz

494
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,400
Speaker 2: banjo of four string let's played with a pick, which

495
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:29,920
Speaker 2: is perfect for me because I'm a guitar player. So

496
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:31,440
Speaker 2: I figured that'd be pretty easy for me to pick

497
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:33,280
Speaker 2: up anyway. So I get the instrument that I need

498
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:36,800
Speaker 2: for that. Now it's one of my primary instruments. I

499
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 2: get a one hundred year old four string banjo, gorgeous instrument,

500
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:44,960
Speaker 2: antique instrument. I'm playing that studying the guitar work of

501
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,239
Speaker 2: Django Ryan Hart. My life at this point is just

502
00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:53,240
Speaker 2: sort of exploding with creativity and inspiration. I just never

503
00:31:53,320 --> 00:31:58,040
Speaker 2: felt like such an artist and the greatest sense of

504
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 2: the word. And this angel lady that I spoke of.

505
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:07,200
Speaker 2: Another thing she said was and you're drinking still and

506
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 2: not because hey, dumb ass, you fell off a skateboard

507
00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:12,360
Speaker 2: while you're drunk. Why are you still drinking? But your

508
00:32:12,400 --> 00:32:16,320
Speaker 2: brain needs to heal, you know, you need to stop

509
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 2: doing that. So I was stone sober, you know, for

510
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:24,400
Speaker 2: that period too, which also gave me this renewed energy,

511
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 2: which also meant that I wasn't hanging out with people

512
00:32:28,040 --> 00:32:33,880
Speaker 2: at bars. I was in this state of sober isolation,

513
00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:38,920
Speaker 2: but with this great urge to create. And I was

514
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:43,520
Speaker 2: still feeling depression too sometimes because I was alone. But

515
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:46,640
Speaker 2: I put all that into my work. I put all

516
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 2: that into the music. I'm looking back at what I

517
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 2: did before and looking at what I'm doing now and

518
00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 2: thinking I was being lazy. I should be working harder,

519
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:02,960
Speaker 2: try and make everything better, make the song better, make

520
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:07,360
Speaker 2: your playing better, find the best players to play this

521
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:10,480
Speaker 2: music with so it sounds as good as you could

522
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 2: possibly be when you're playing it. And just elevated my

523
00:33:16,680 --> 00:33:20,840
Speaker 2: standards for acceptability in the music that I was making.

524
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,920
Speaker 2: I start writing these songs and I have nobody to

525
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,480
Speaker 2: play them with. I record them. I do a four

526
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:38,640
Speaker 2: song demo in my apartment where I'm playing pretty much everything,

527
00:33:39,320 --> 00:33:43,000
Speaker 2: and I just start throwing them underneath doors and record

528
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:46,200
Speaker 2: stores samples, giving them out to people. Through that album,

529
00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:49,400
Speaker 2: I was able to start building a band drums, bass.

530
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:53,000
Speaker 2: I did find a sax player. I knew when I

531
00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:56,040
Speaker 2: was writing the stuff I need a New Orleans style

532
00:33:56,080 --> 00:34:01,480
Speaker 2: horn section that's saxophone or clarinet, a trump but trombone.

533
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:03,800
Speaker 2: And it wasn't coming all at once. I didn't have

534
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:06,640
Speaker 2: the resources, I didn't know the people. These types of

535
00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,200
Speaker 2: musicians kind of wanted to get paid to play, so

536
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:12,000
Speaker 2: it was a long road, but I was so inspired.

537
00:34:12,040 --> 00:34:15,080
Speaker 2: I was taking the show on the road as a

538
00:34:15,120 --> 00:34:18,160
Speaker 2: one man thing. I was going around all over the Southeast,

539
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:22,120
Speaker 2: playing coffee shops, little singer songwriters in the round, me

540
00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 2: and my dog, sleeping in the car in parking lots

541
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,600
Speaker 2: and playing music and trying to collect fans. And then

542
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 2: I'd come back home and I'd play shows with the

543
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:34,120
Speaker 2: band that i'd put together. We started playing shows at

544
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:37,080
Speaker 2: same places I played with my rock band. I didn't

545
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:39,640
Speaker 2: know where else to go. I wasn't going to go

546
00:34:39,680 --> 00:34:41,879
Speaker 2: and play a jazz club or Blues Club. I had

547
00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:44,880
Speaker 2: the contacts for the Star Bar and a Little five Points,

548
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,919
Speaker 2: so that's where we went. And at first my old

549
00:34:47,960 --> 00:34:51,680
Speaker 2: friends and fans of the previous band they came out.

550
00:34:51,960 --> 00:34:54,279
Speaker 2: They came out and they were, like I said, not

551
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,680
Speaker 2: happy with me. They were pretty pissed that I broke

552
00:34:57,760 --> 00:34:59,719
Speaker 2: up the band. I had a friend's band open up

553
00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:01,719
Speaker 2: for me at the show and they played one of

554
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 2: my old songs as like a slap in the face

555
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:10,360
Speaker 2: to me. When I started playing, everybody in the crowd

556
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:13,719
Speaker 2: moved to the back of the room as like a protest.

557
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 2: And so that was the moment I said, all right,

558
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 2: well fuck all you know. I mean, I wasn't that

559
00:35:22,600 --> 00:35:24,320
Speaker 2: I was in a weird place anyways, didn't feel like

560
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:26,200
Speaker 2: I fit in with you guys. But now you've shown me,

561
00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:29,880
Speaker 2: you know where who the type of people you are,

562
00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:32,840
Speaker 2: you're not going to support me going forward, Then you

563
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:33,560
Speaker 2: know I'm fine.

564
00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 3: I'll find new bands slow down.

565
00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:51,879
Speaker 2: Pretty quickly. I started playing the shows in Little Five

566
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:55,200
Speaker 2: Points at the Star Bar, and suddenly there's a new

567
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:59,520
Speaker 2: crowd and they're not people I know, you know, they're

568
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,080
Speaker 2: people that just like the music and they come back,

569
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:07,240
Speaker 2: not because they're my friend, and we drink beer together

570
00:36:07,360 --> 00:36:09,839
Speaker 2: and and barf later in the night. You know, like

571
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 2: but they're they're they're into what we're doing. And it

572
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 2: felt like a scene was starting.

573
00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:17,160
Speaker 3: Oh you know what.

574
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:27,680
Speaker 2: To do money lie and always spit in my face

575
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:32,239
Speaker 2: and all those days through it, and there absolutely was.

576
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,800
Speaker 2: We got a residency at the Star Bar where we

577
00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:39,880
Speaker 2: did every Wednesday, and I made each night a different theme,

578
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:43,040
Speaker 2: so it was like a circus theme, and then a

579
00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:48,240
Speaker 2: puppetry theme and a cabaret theme, and I hired local

580
00:36:48,239 --> 00:36:52,480
Speaker 2: performers to collaborate with to make the whole room just

581
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,880
Speaker 2: like just like a circus or a puppet show or whatever.

582
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,240
Speaker 2: And and then and having puppets and dancers on stage. Someway,

583
00:36:59,239 --> 00:37:04,560
Speaker 2: I'm getting really into theatrics. You know, go harder, go home,

584
00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:08,720
Speaker 2: put everything you can into it, and work your ass

585
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 2: off and make a great show for these people. So

586
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:13,200
Speaker 2: I really built a lot of fans there. We were

587
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:21,279
Speaker 2: selling out the room every on every Wednesday, and people

588
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:23,400
Speaker 2: would tell me after the show, Hey, you got a

589
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:24,880
Speaker 2: great band. I think you got a good chance of

590
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,440
Speaker 2: getting signed. I wouldn't give a shit about getting signed.

591
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:33,319
Speaker 2: I felt like defiant, you know I'm not playing rock

592
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,520
Speaker 2: music anymore. Fucked that. You know, I'm gonna play the

593
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:41,600
Speaker 2: weirdest thing anybody would think of, you know, something that

594
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:46,480
Speaker 2: nobody would think I do is playing ragtime, Dixie and swing.

595
00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:49,640
Speaker 2: And it turned out people people did like it, just

596
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:57,319
Speaker 2: not none of my friends dream I'll sure sleep Ben

597
00:37:57,560 --> 00:38:09,200
Speaker 2: without you with And so that was the moment, was

598
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:12,040
Speaker 2: being on stage and seeing a room full of people

599
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:16,160
Speaker 2: that were truly truly digging it, enjoying it, buying buying

600
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:21,799
Speaker 2: the CD and singing along and singing along with with

601
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:28,440
Speaker 2: the songs, knowing the words. Unbelievable. Things were just falling

602
00:38:29,040 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 2: back together and in this wonderful way. I met my

603
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,160
Speaker 2: then my my soon to be wife at the cab

604
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:39,960
Speaker 2: the cabaret show that we put on. I was looking

605
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:43,920
Speaker 2: for for girls that wanted to do a burlesque type

606
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,680
Speaker 2: thing with me while I was playing, and got referred

607
00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:50,239
Speaker 2: to her, and by the end of the show we

608
00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:55,440
Speaker 2: were already an item. So finally I'm not single anymore.

609
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:57,920
Speaker 2: And it was a long dry spell of of of

610
00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:02,239
Speaker 2: loneliness and very little companionship I got. I got my

611
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:06,319
Speaker 2: ride or die girl with me. The band's doing doing

612
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:08,160
Speaker 2: good and it just doesn't seem you know, it seems

613
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:14,600
Speaker 2: like it's just going to keep getting better. I was

614
00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:20,080
Speaker 2: doing the the exercises for my old factory senses, and uh,

615
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:28,680
Speaker 2: one day I went outside and it just rained and

616
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:39,440
Speaker 2: I could smell it. You know what a perfect first smell,

617
00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 2: you know.

618
00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:16,120
Speaker 1: Welcome back, This is Alive again joining me for a

619
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:19,000
Speaker 1: conversation about today's story. Are my other Alive against story

620
00:40:19,080 --> 00:40:23,160
Speaker 1: producers Kate Sweeney, Nicholas Takowski and Brent Dye, And I'm

621
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:25,160
Speaker 1: your host Dan Bush.

622
00:40:25,239 --> 00:40:29,040
Speaker 4: Of all of the stories that we have listened to,

623
00:40:30,440 --> 00:40:41,280
Speaker 4: his like the way he almost died, it's just ship, Yeah,

624
00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:46,360
Speaker 4: on a skateboard being pulled by a dog, Like, come on,

625
00:40:46,920 --> 00:40:55,360
Speaker 4: that's amazing. That's like if you gotta go first, you know,

626
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:59,319
Speaker 4: quietly in your sleep, and secondly on a skateboard being

627
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:00,000
Speaker 4: pulled by a dog.

628
00:41:01,800 --> 00:41:05,920
Speaker 1: So Blair and I talked a lot about liminal states.

629
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,160
Speaker 1: Do you guys know what liminal states are?

630
00:41:08,320 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 5: In between?

631
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:12,360
Speaker 1: A liminal means in between. But in anthropology or in

632
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:16,440
Speaker 1: you know, cultural anthropology, it's it's referred to specifically, often

633
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,960
Speaker 1: as the state when one part of yourself dies and

634
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:23,279
Speaker 1: the other one is not yet born. So for you know,

635
00:41:23,600 --> 00:41:28,080
Speaker 1: say the Ugliala Lakota sue, you have a vision quest

636
00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:30,759
Speaker 1: for three nights and days, you know, alone on a

637
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:36,840
Speaker 1: mountaintop with no food. Anyway, liminal states are often you know,

638
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:43,239
Speaker 1: accompanied with hardships. You have to endure certain hardships. Some

639
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:47,680
Speaker 1: of these rituals are you know violent, some of them

640
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:49,879
Speaker 1: there's blood letting, and there's there's all kinds of things

641
00:41:49,880 --> 00:41:52,120
Speaker 1: that you trials that these kids go through. And in

642
00:41:52,160 --> 00:41:55,640
Speaker 1: our culture we don't really have that. Our ceremonies have

643
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,840
Speaker 1: lost their power. Then we might go to a bar mitzvah,

644
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:01,120
Speaker 1: or we might turn six didn't have a sweet sixteen,

645
00:42:01,520 --> 00:42:04,160
Speaker 1: or you know, turn eighteen and we can drive a

646
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:07,480
Speaker 1: car or get drafted. And Blair and I talked about

647
00:42:07,480 --> 00:42:10,840
Speaker 1: this quite a bit of like, you know, the childhood

648
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:14,600
Speaker 1: self does it ever die? Does the adulthood self? Is

649
00:42:14,640 --> 00:42:16,840
Speaker 1: it ever born? Do we ever get that liminal state?

650
00:42:17,520 --> 00:42:21,760
Speaker 1: And these experiences, these traumatic experiences sometimes induce those liminal

651
00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:25,920
Speaker 1: states for us. So I often ask people when I'm interviewing, like,

652
00:42:26,239 --> 00:42:29,480
Speaker 1: you know, so if that was the you then and

653
00:42:29,520 --> 00:42:31,319
Speaker 1: then there's the new you that began after that, what

654
00:42:31,440 --> 00:42:34,440
Speaker 1: is the pathway that led you. So the incident happened,

655
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:40,719
Speaker 1: It was stupid. He was trying, you know, to compensate,

656
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:42,839
Speaker 1: maybe for a lack of a sense of belonging he was.

657
00:42:43,880 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 1: He was, you know, acting out and doing all these things,

658
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:53,600
Speaker 1: maybe even somehow hoping for some change. He indicates that,

659
00:42:54,160 --> 00:42:56,320
Speaker 1: but it came to him big time, and all of

660
00:42:56,320 --> 00:43:00,239
Speaker 1: a sudden, he is after the incident, you know, with

661
00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:02,279
Speaker 1: the dog pulling him on the skateboard, and he has

662
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:04,439
Speaker 1: this massive head injury and he's bleeding out of his ear.

663
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:09,400
Speaker 1: He loses his sense of smell. Hezers into this great depression,

664
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:14,640
Speaker 1: you know, he becomes very depressed, He becomes very lonely. Literally,

665
00:43:14,680 --> 00:43:17,280
Speaker 1: his old self is dead. He can no longer identify

666
00:43:17,280 --> 00:43:18,959
Speaker 1: with the music he was making, He can no longer

667
00:43:18,960 --> 00:43:22,440
Speaker 1: identify with like his friends, his friends. The album comes out,

668
00:43:22,480 --> 00:43:24,799
Speaker 1: he's like, yeah, I don't know what that is, you know,

669
00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,120
Speaker 1: and I just thought that was it was just fascinating

670
00:43:27,120 --> 00:43:30,759
Speaker 1: to me. And then slowly, over time, with the help

671
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:32,839
Speaker 1: of a few strangers that are you know, people he'd

672
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:35,280
Speaker 1: met along the way, kind of pointing him towards these things,

673
00:43:35,719 --> 00:43:37,680
Speaker 1: he had this liminal state where he had to rebuild

674
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:42,439
Speaker 1: himself and eventually something happened where the new self was born, right,

675
00:43:42,880 --> 00:43:45,640
Speaker 1: so he was able to experience something that most I

676
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:47,560
Speaker 1: think in our culture, a lot of people never experience.

677
00:43:47,600 --> 00:43:53,120
Speaker 1: You know, people you know, their childhood self never dies

678
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,120
Speaker 1: and their adulthood self was never born, and they just

679
00:43:55,160 --> 00:43:57,600
Speaker 1: sort of, you know, they never have the liminal state.

680
00:44:00,280 --> 00:44:03,080
Speaker 1: But anyway, I just that's something that struck me about

681
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:07,600
Speaker 1: his story is that's he's somebody who in this. For me,

682
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:09,359
Speaker 1: I think in this culture, we don't get that, and

683
00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,880
Speaker 1: he got it in some weird way, and even if

684
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:15,160
Speaker 1: he had to do it to himself, that that was

685
00:44:15,200 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 1: my takeaway. And just the miracle of him having like

686
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:23,319
Speaker 1: ragtime Dixieland jazz, you know, gypsy jazz music just came

687
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:25,239
Speaker 1: upon him and he couldn't stop it and it was

688
00:44:25,239 --> 00:44:27,799
Speaker 1: like a flood. I think that's so cool, man. I'm

689
00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:29,080
Speaker 1: just like, I want that happened to me.

690
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:30,080
Speaker 3: You know.

691
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:31,840
Speaker 4: I think what was really interesting for me is that,

692
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 4: like I feel like his liminal space seemed to start

693
00:44:35,200 --> 00:44:37,920
Speaker 4: much earlier than that, and I think that, like his

694
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:40,719
Speaker 4: journey as an artist is really interesting because he had

695
00:44:40,760 --> 00:44:44,480
Speaker 4: this love of this music when he was younger. He

696
00:44:44,560 --> 00:44:46,800
Speaker 4: talks about getting into jazz and getting into that stuff

697
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:49,400
Speaker 4: and he's younger, and then having the Berkeley School of

698
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:52,000
Speaker 4: Music just beat it out of him, which I think

699
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:53,880
Speaker 4: is something that a lot of us do get. We

700
00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:56,880
Speaker 4: get like the love of the thing that we're drawn

701
00:44:56,960 --> 00:44:59,520
Speaker 4: to when we're younger, beaten out of us by process

702
00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:05,040
Speaker 4: an education, and that the I think that the knock

703
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:08,799
Speaker 4: on the head started him on the journey out. There's

704
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:12,560
Speaker 4: a there's a phrase, you know, bill Ung's Roman is

705
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:15,600
Speaker 4: you know, coming of age, but like Kunslo Raman is

706
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:18,560
Speaker 4: the creation of the artist or the growth of the artist.

707
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:23,200
Speaker 4: And I think that I think that, like the his

708
00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:28,080
Speaker 4: first death was really academia, you know, I think that

709
00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:33,080
Speaker 4: academia kind of killed the artist. He was going to

710
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 4: be in the cradle, and that the knock on the

711
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:37,839
Speaker 4: head and the journey that it goes on afterward just

712
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:39,600
Speaker 4: kind of brought him back to that.

713
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:41,080
Speaker 3: Yeah.

714
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:43,320
Speaker 5: And can I say to you you touched on this

715
00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:45,959
Speaker 5: sort of you know, these strangers kind of helping him

716
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:48,200
Speaker 5: to kind of find his way when he's sort of

717
00:45:48,239 --> 00:45:51,600
Speaker 5: in the wilderness in that period. What really struck me

718
00:45:51,760 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 5: is the doctor that his his regular at the bar

719
00:45:55,719 --> 00:45:59,239
Speaker 5: that he tends and you know, because he hasn't really

720
00:45:59,280 --> 00:46:03,680
Speaker 5: had anybody tell give him like sound medical wisdom on

721
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,239
Speaker 5: like what he should actually be doing. When she says like,

722
00:46:06,719 --> 00:46:09,040
Speaker 5: you know, you should be doing these, you should be

723
00:46:09,239 --> 00:46:13,560
Speaker 5: you know, trying new things. You should be doing crossword puzzles,

724
00:46:13,600 --> 00:46:16,560
Speaker 5: and my god, you shouldn't be drinking right now, and

725
00:46:16,600 --> 00:46:20,359
Speaker 5: it's sort of like, I love that. Her advice to him,

726
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:24,040
Speaker 5: or sort of an official prescription to him, is basically grow,

727
00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:26,880
Speaker 5: you know, like grow as a person. That is what

728
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 5: you need to do. You need to be trying new things.

729
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:30,799
Speaker 5: He tries new instruments, and he tries new things, and

730
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:34,759
Speaker 5: it's basically she's told him to do that. And he

731
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:37,839
Speaker 5: doesn't say that specific like, he doesn't say that in

732
00:46:37,880 --> 00:46:41,080
Speaker 5: so many words, but basically that's sort of sort of

733
00:46:41,080 --> 00:46:43,880
Speaker 5: the order marching orders that he's been given is like grow.

734
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:47,000
Speaker 1: We don't think about that much. We you know, when

735
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:51,560
Speaker 1: bad things happen, when traumatic events happen, be they psychological

736
00:46:51,880 --> 00:46:56,160
Speaker 1: or be they physical, My first thought isn't like, oh,

737
00:46:56,200 --> 00:46:58,799
Speaker 1: I have an opportunity for some brain plasticity here, I

738
00:46:58,800 --> 00:47:02,279
Speaker 1: have an opportunity to rebuild, build brand new neurotransmitter, new

739
00:47:02,280 --> 00:47:04,759
Speaker 1: pathways in my brain. I don't think like that. But

740
00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 1: that's the truth, isn't it. On some level, like there's

741
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:13,080
Speaker 1: there's some opportunity despite how however horrific, whatever trauma you've endure,

742
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:16,040
Speaker 1: it is there is some opportunity for growth.

743
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:18,560
Speaker 6: Right, Yeah, And to kind of have it forced on him,

744
00:47:18,560 --> 00:47:21,160
Speaker 6: coming from an environment where that is almost like a

745
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:25,280
Speaker 6: terminal adolescence is expected of you as a rock and roller,

746
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:29,480
Speaker 6: you know, like he was terminally held in this womb,

747
00:47:29,480 --> 00:47:30,720
Speaker 6: in this adolescent state.

748
00:47:30,920 --> 00:47:34,640
Speaker 1: Everything he was doing was result oriented before. Yes, everything

749
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:36,760
Speaker 1: he was it wasn't built on his art. It was like, Okay,

750
00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:38,319
Speaker 1: I can do this, so we're gonna do We're gonna

751
00:47:38,400 --> 00:47:40,040
Speaker 1: And he was like, I have songs sound like the Police.

752
00:47:40,040 --> 00:47:41,719
Speaker 1: I have songs that sound like you know, whatever was

753
00:47:41,920 --> 00:47:43,840
Speaker 1: in vogue at the time, and but it wasn't me.

754
00:47:44,239 --> 00:47:47,360
Speaker 1: It wasn't it didn't like, it wasn't a river pouring

755
00:47:47,360 --> 00:47:50,640
Speaker 1: out of me, like what happened later, you know. And

756
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:53,640
Speaker 1: then then after his transformation, you know, if we can

757
00:47:53,719 --> 00:47:57,600
Speaker 1: call it a liminal state in a transformative experience, He's like,

758
00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:59,880
Speaker 1: I didn't give a fuck about being signed, you know,

759
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:02,480
Speaker 1: that result was the last thing I could give a

760
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 1: shit about.

761
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:05,080
Speaker 6: But yeah, it's really hard to get to that place,

762
00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:07,719
Speaker 6: isn't it where what we produce is not who we

763
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:08,520
Speaker 6: are well.

764
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:11,279
Speaker 4: And I also just think, you know, going back to

765
00:48:11,719 --> 00:48:16,680
Speaker 4: Berkeley and going we're trained in academia to function in

766
00:48:16,719 --> 00:48:19,960
Speaker 4: the society that we live in, and so you know,

767
00:48:20,640 --> 00:48:24,040
Speaker 4: we might gain like technical skills and everything like that,

768
00:48:24,120 --> 00:48:27,320
Speaker 4: but it's technical skills we can join the workforce, and

769
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:29,560
Speaker 4: a lot of us just I mean, we're just we're

770
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:32,799
Speaker 4: raised with that understanding, and once we get there, it's

771
00:48:32,920 --> 00:48:36,680
Speaker 4: like I know, I mean as a writer, as an

772
00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:39,160
Speaker 4: artist period, it's you know, you reach a certain point

773
00:48:39,160 --> 00:48:43,960
Speaker 4: where you get far enough in you're making money at it,

774
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:49,320
Speaker 4: you figured out a way to like cut through and survive,

775
00:48:51,400 --> 00:48:54,560
Speaker 4: and like anything else, you kinda you realize it's kind

776
00:48:54,560 --> 00:48:59,640
Speaker 4: of boring and soulless to behave that way to work

777
00:48:59,760 --> 00:49:04,120
Speaker 4: under that understanding, to look at this as a job

778
00:49:04,239 --> 00:49:07,719
Speaker 4: and not as a vocation or or something that you love.

779
00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:10,320
Speaker 4: And it's really hard to break out of that because

780
00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:14,080
Speaker 4: as a society, they're just people who do that are

781
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:15,240
Speaker 4: kind of considered koops.

782
00:49:15,880 --> 00:49:17,160
Speaker 1: I had the same problem when I got out of

783
00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:19,520
Speaker 1: film school. I was like, I need I have to. Like,

784
00:49:19,520 --> 00:49:21,920
Speaker 1: I used to have an instinct of pre visualization that

785
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:24,719
Speaker 1: I had for making movies and sequences, and then I

786
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:26,840
Speaker 1: started doing things because I understood the psychology of the

787
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:30,319
Speaker 1: camera angle and understood Hitchcock, and I understood you know,

788
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:32,799
Speaker 1: these these greats, and I knew what they were doing.

789
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:35,040
Speaker 1: And so you start to pick up that language, and

790
00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:37,279
Speaker 1: you start to use it almost as if you're, you know,

791
00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:40,840
Speaker 1: a writer who's using language that is sort of you know,

792
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:44,279
Speaker 1: injected into them from having to read you know, all

793
00:49:44,280 --> 00:49:46,680
Speaker 1: these other great writers, as opposed to it just being

794
00:49:46,719 --> 00:49:49,719
Speaker 1: organic and being from yourself in the cat. Yeah, So

795
00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:53,840
Speaker 1: so I I similarly out save the cat. So I

796
00:49:53,880 --> 00:49:57,360
Speaker 1: similarly was like, okay, if this is anything wrong with that, no,

797
00:49:57,480 --> 00:49:59,880
Speaker 1: But I'm like I had a similar experience where I

798
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:01,880
Speaker 1: was like, okay, and this is probably why none of

799
00:50:01,880 --> 00:50:04,080
Speaker 1: my movies are big commercial successes, because I was like,

800
00:50:04,120 --> 00:50:07,239
Speaker 1: I'm going to fracture the entire cathartic structure here and

801
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 1: do some really weird shit. And you know, sometimes I

802
00:50:12,080 --> 00:50:13,560
Speaker 1: look back and go, maybe I should have just saved

803
00:50:13,560 --> 00:50:13,919
Speaker 1: the cat.

804
00:50:15,600 --> 00:50:16,040
Speaker 2: I don't know.

805
00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:20,840
Speaker 4: You know, here's the thing. I look back at my

806
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:26,440
Speaker 4: writing from college and well, into my twenties, before I

807
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:30,000
Speaker 4: had any kind of success, when I was still writing

808
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:34,680
Speaker 4: children's plays for a theme park, and that's the stuff

809
00:50:34,719 --> 00:50:39,919
Speaker 4: then was wild and sloppy as shit and all over

810
00:50:39,960 --> 00:50:43,600
Speaker 4: the place, but in it you could sense the joy

811
00:50:43,640 --> 00:50:50,560
Speaker 4: of flight. And I think as I as my craft

812
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:55,840
Speaker 4: grew and as I tightened everything up, the better structured

813
00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:58,839
Speaker 4: my work becomes later on, the less I can see

814
00:50:58,840 --> 00:51:02,120
Speaker 4: the joy of flight in there. Until I think I

815
00:51:02,200 --> 00:51:04,719
Speaker 4: realized at a point like five or six years ago,

816
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:09,360
Speaker 4: it's like there's there's no love in this anymore. It's technically.

817
00:51:09,400 --> 00:51:11,920
Speaker 4: I feel very good about the writing. I feel like

818
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:15,400
Speaker 4: this is a very decent story that could sell, but

819
00:51:15,719 --> 00:51:20,200
Speaker 4: I feel almost nothing for it. And that I think

820
00:51:20,239 --> 00:51:24,799
Speaker 4: that you have to You have to learn to love

821
00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:27,719
Speaker 4: to fly again, you know, if you like. After a

822
00:51:27,760 --> 00:51:31,279
Speaker 4: certain point, it's important to gain the technical skills. It's

823
00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:34,000
Speaker 4: important to learn all these things, but it's it's equally

824
00:51:34,040 --> 00:51:37,840
Speaker 4: as important to unlearn them and to refine the spark

825
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:41,959
Speaker 4: that brought you to this place. Otherwise you might as well,

826
00:51:42,719 --> 00:51:45,000
Speaker 4: you know, you might as well have any job. You

827
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:47,560
Speaker 4: might as well be working in insurance. And nothing against

828
00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:50,160
Speaker 4: people in insurance except for health insurance, you can a

829
00:51:50,280 --> 00:51:53,680
Speaker 4: go to hell. But like, but you know, I mean,

830
00:51:55,360 --> 00:51:57,800
Speaker 4: it's just it turns into another job if you don't

831
00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:00,279
Speaker 4: reignite that fire and if it takes a com on

832
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:06,200
Speaker 4: the head. Yeah, after riding on your buddy's skateboard being

833
00:52:06,239 --> 00:52:10,560
Speaker 4: pulled by your buddy's dog, I mean, that's a good

834
00:52:10,560 --> 00:52:11,239
Speaker 4: story right there.

835
00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:14,240
Speaker 5: I love that as being the entry point to this story.

836
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:16,920
Speaker 5: He says, you know, like, as this dog was pulling

837
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:19,239
Speaker 5: me on a skateboard, that's just the world telling me

838
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:20,439
Speaker 5: where it wants me to go.

839
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:22,799
Speaker 6: And it sounds so beautiful.

840
00:52:23,280 --> 00:52:25,719
Speaker 5: And I was listening to it and I said to myself,

841
00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:28,279
Speaker 5: that's either the most beautiful thing I've ever heard or

842
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:30,959
Speaker 5: the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

843
00:52:30,960 --> 00:52:32,759
Speaker 6: A fine line between poetry and.

844
00:52:33,120 --> 00:52:36,839
Speaker 4: Yeah, the veil is completely see through.

845
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:40,200
Speaker 6: Another part of being in rock and roll is he

846
00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:44,880
Speaker 6: embraced the whole lifestyle and that became part of his job.

847
00:52:45,320 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 6: Who he was seen with and it became a rat

848
00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:51,239
Speaker 6: race and not just this thing. As fourteen year old

849
00:52:51,280 --> 00:52:53,120
Speaker 6: boys we all want to be like Keith Richards. It

850
00:52:53,239 --> 00:52:56,200
Speaker 6: was like, this is not who I am, and it's

851
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:59,279
Speaker 6: wearing me out, and I just think it's fascinating that

852
00:52:59,640 --> 00:53:04,480
Speaker 6: that we create these characters for people in our society.

853
00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,400
Speaker 6: You're an insurance man, you're a rock star, and you

854
00:53:07,480 --> 00:53:10,880
Speaker 6: must act this way, and he picked something that didn't

855
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:13,319
Speaker 6: realize that that part of it would take so much

856
00:53:13,320 --> 00:53:13,879
Speaker 6: out of him.

857
00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:18,040
Speaker 1: Maybe his friends hated him or you know, were so

858
00:53:18,040 --> 00:53:21,799
Speaker 1: so pissed at him after this event because maybe they

859
00:53:21,840 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 1: saw him escaping that and maybe they were jealous, or

860
00:53:24,560 --> 00:53:26,120
Speaker 1: maybe that you know, there was some envy, or maybe

861
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:29,040
Speaker 1: they were like, wait a minute, you actually because it

862
00:53:29,080 --> 00:53:30,799
Speaker 1: was an insult to them. It was an insult to

863
00:53:30,800 --> 00:53:32,920
Speaker 1: what they were still doing, wasn't it In.

864
00:53:32,880 --> 00:53:33,359
Speaker 2: Some weird way.

865
00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:35,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like you're telling me what my what I'm

866
00:53:35,520 --> 00:53:37,360
Speaker 1: still working on is not worth it is sort.

867
00:53:37,160 --> 00:53:38,960
Speaker 6: Of kind of but I think it's I think it's

868
00:53:39,040 --> 00:53:41,480
Speaker 6: like I always liked when a band was starting out,

869
00:53:41,520 --> 00:53:43,560
Speaker 6: because that energy you were talking about as a writer

870
00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:46,040
Speaker 6: is captured on their first few records, and then when

871
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:48,719
Speaker 6: they start to polish it, you think you're making this

872
00:53:48,800 --> 00:53:50,840
Speaker 6: move because you want to make money on it. And

873
00:53:50,880 --> 00:53:53,680
Speaker 6: I bet that's what his audience was responding to. They're thinking,

874
00:53:54,480 --> 00:53:57,480
Speaker 6: you're changing your sound because you want to You're making

875
00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:01,640
Speaker 6: a cynical move. The audience doesn't know why you're doing

876
00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:05,040
Speaker 6: what you're doing as an artist, you know, and so

877
00:54:05,360 --> 00:54:12,320
Speaker 6: I don't didn't happen above Dylan, he also was established

878
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:14,239
Speaker 6: enough that he could make a move like that, you know.

879
00:54:14,520 --> 00:54:17,560
Speaker 6: So yeah, I think it's hard for an independent artist

880
00:54:17,600 --> 00:54:20,359
Speaker 6: today to build an audience and then to turn around

881
00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:22,200
Speaker 6: and go, now, I'm going to turn this sound one

882
00:54:22,280 --> 00:54:24,240
Speaker 6: hundred and eighty degrees and I want you to follow

883
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:27,719
Speaker 6: me where I'm going. And kudos to Blair for doing it.

884
00:54:27,760 --> 00:54:29,200
Speaker 6: I mean, geez wow.

885
00:54:30,239 --> 00:54:31,799
Speaker 1: I asked him the same question that we've asked some

886
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:33,440
Speaker 1: of these people of like is there did you have

887
00:54:33,480 --> 00:54:36,880
Speaker 1: any premonition that this would happen? And he's he did.

888
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:39,960
Speaker 1: He wouldn't say that there was a specific premonition, you know,

889
00:54:40,000 --> 00:54:43,080
Speaker 1: he didn't get a message, you know, in a dream

890
00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:46,480
Speaker 1: or anything. But but he says, I knew, I knew

891
00:54:46,480 --> 00:54:49,279
Speaker 1: that I had. I knew that something was coming. I

892
00:54:49,360 --> 00:54:51,480
Speaker 1: knew that it was there was going to be change,

893
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:53,040
Speaker 1: and I knew it was coming, and I just didn't

894
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:55,080
Speaker 1: know where. And I think that part of him letting

895
00:54:55,120 --> 00:54:59,279
Speaker 1: the world pull him along was like it's it's sort

896
00:54:59,320 --> 00:55:02,360
Speaker 1: of like just a your arms in a battle, you know, like,

897
00:55:02,560 --> 00:55:03,480
Speaker 1: let's see what happens.

898
00:55:03,560 --> 00:55:06,560
Speaker 6: And I don't know, can I just interject real quick,

899
00:55:06,680 --> 00:55:10,000
Speaker 6: like how badass he would be to b C live

900
00:55:10,120 --> 00:55:11,680
Speaker 6: back when he's doing his rock and roll thing, and

901
00:55:11,719 --> 00:55:14,760
Speaker 6: how great his ragtime music is. I mean, anyone listening

902
00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:17,080
Speaker 6: should really go check it out. I mean, but go

903
00:55:17,239 --> 00:55:19,680
Speaker 6: support this, support all your local artists. He's got a

904
00:55:19,719 --> 00:55:21,960
Speaker 6: lot of gigs coming up, So yeah.

905
00:55:21,640 --> 00:55:25,600
Speaker 4: I like music shows. I can sit down at it. God,

906
00:55:27,440 --> 00:55:30,919
Speaker 4: you know, bring along a nice herbal tea.

907
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:31,800
Speaker 1: It's the knees.

908
00:55:32,360 --> 00:55:36,560
Speaker 4: It's the knees and the back and the feet, and honestly,

909
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,280
Speaker 4: just I'm so tired all the time.

910
00:55:44,160 --> 00:55:46,799
Speaker 1: Next time on a Live Again, we hear the miraculous

911
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:49,760
Speaker 1: story of David Ditchfield, who was dragged under a train

912
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,759
Speaker 1: and nearly died. His near death experience led to an

913
00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:57,200
Speaker 1: unexpected surge in artistic creativity, and later he created many

914
00:55:57,239 --> 00:56:01,320
Speaker 1: paintings and composed a complete symphony. When the's formal musical

915
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:02,440
Speaker 1: or artistic training.

916
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:06,719
Speaker 7: I was sucked between the edge of the platform, then

917
00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:12,400
Speaker 7: under the train itself. I heard and fell every gear shift.

918
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:17,640
Speaker 7: It's like time it's stretched. I could see my friend Anna.

919
00:56:18,080 --> 00:56:20,839
Speaker 7: The look of horror in our eyes filled me with

920
00:56:21,000 --> 00:56:24,360
Speaker 7: absolute inevitability that this could be the end for me.

921
00:56:24,440 --> 00:56:27,360
Speaker 7: I suddenly felt like I was staring death in the

922
00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:28,719
Speaker 7: eyes at that point.

923
00:56:29,960 --> 00:56:33,680
Speaker 1: Our story producers are Dan Bush, Kate Sweeney, Brent Die,

924
00:56:33,920 --> 00:56:38,520
Speaker 1: Nicholas Dakaski, and Lauren Vogelbaum. Music by Ben Lovett, additional

925
00:56:38,600 --> 00:56:42,640
Speaker 1: music by Alexander Rodriguez. Our executive producers are Matthew Frederick

926
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:45,920
Speaker 1: and Trevor Young. Special thanks to Alexander Williams for additional

927
00:56:45,920 --> 00:56:49,960
Speaker 1: production support. Our studio engineers are Rima el Kali and

928
00:56:50,040 --> 00:56:54,160
Speaker 1: Noames Griffin. Our editors are Dan Bush, Gearhart Slovitch, Gat,

929
00:56:54,280 --> 00:56:57,719
Speaker 1: Brent Die, and Alexander Rodriguez. Mixing by Ben Lovett and

930
00:56:57,719 --> 00:57:02,160
Speaker 1: Alexander Rodriguez. I'm your host, Damn Bush. Special thanks to

931
00:57:02,160 --> 00:57:05,239
Speaker 1: Blair Crimins for sharing his story. To learn more about

932
00:57:05,239 --> 00:57:10,239
Speaker 1: his music and his band, go to Blair Crimminsondookers dot com.

933
00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:13,600
Speaker 1: Alive Again is a production of iHeartRadio and Psychopia Pictures.

934
00:57:14,160 --> 00:57:17,000
Speaker 1: If you have a transformative near death experience to share,

935
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:20,520
Speaker 1: we'd love to hear your story. Please email us at

936
00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:24,960
Speaker 1: Alive Again Project at gmail dot com. That's a l

937
00:57:25,000 --> 00:57:27,920
Speaker 1: I v e A g A I N P R

938
00:57:28,040 --> 00:57:31,720
Speaker 1: O j E C T at gmail dot com.

939
00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:37,040
Speaker 3: Through the night, hope you get a bud, but you

940
00:57:37,200 --> 00:57:39,600
Speaker 3: ain't had ahead here lately.

941
00:57:41,920 --> 00:57:47,760
Speaker 2: You're watching your fantasy fade away to a broken dream,

942
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:50,640
Speaker 2: go down with dogs, and you wake.

943
00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:53,479
Speaker 3: Up with disease. Bo Babe, can't you see?

944
00:57:53,560 --> 00:57:57,760
Speaker 2: I been a genius is since nineteen but it's the

945
00:57:57,920 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 2: thanks that

946
00:57:58,360 --> 00:58:01,080
Speaker 3: You were one of the few they made a hooker