1 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to a new episode of 2 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:16,320 Speaker 1: You Need Therapy podcast. My name is Kat and I'm 3 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,599 Speaker 1: so glad you're here. I am the host, and I 4 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:21,759 Speaker 1: am a therapist that lives in Nashville. But before we 5 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:24,759 Speaker 1: get started, I want to remind everybody that just because 6 00:00:24,760 --> 00:00:27,280 Speaker 1: I'm a therapist and this podcast is called You Need Therapy, 7 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: this does not serve and cannot serve as a substitute 8 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:34,280 Speaker 1: for therapy itself. However, my hope is always that the 9 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,519 Speaker 1: stuff that you hear here in the conversations that are 10 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:39,640 Speaker 1: started on this podcast might help you get into therapy 11 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:42,000 Speaker 1: or might help you talk about something new in your 12 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,400 Speaker 1: own therapy process if you're already in therapy. So a 13 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago, I did a poll on Instagram 14 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,199 Speaker 1: or did a question box and asked what topics you 15 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,480 Speaker 1: guys wanted to hear more about on the podcast, and 16 00:00:54,880 --> 00:00:57,000 Speaker 1: I got a lot of different answers, And I'm going 17 00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: to do a lot of the episodes that you guys 18 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:03,360 Speaker 1: requested over time, but the top three were an episode 19 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:06,119 Speaker 1: on purity culture, an episode on a d h D, 20 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:13,080 Speaker 1: and episodes on singleness. And singleness was the top requested 21 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:18,120 Speaker 1: topic for the podcast, which I thought was really interesting 22 00:01:18,160 --> 00:01:20,840 Speaker 1: because in my head I felt like I've done so 23 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,399 Speaker 1: much content around singleness. But then I looked back and 24 00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 1: I was like, wait a second, I have like an 25 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 1: episode a long time ago, and I've talked about it 26 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: here and there, but we don't really have a lot 27 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:38,600 Speaker 1: of actual dedicated to singleness content. I've recently talked about closure, dating, heartbreak, 28 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,440 Speaker 1: but not about singleness itself. So that is what we're 29 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: talking about today now. With that as a topic, there's 30 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: like so much ground to cover, right, so we could 31 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: go a lot of places when it comes to the whole, 32 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: I guess subject of being single. So from my experience, 33 00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:59,640 Speaker 1: the most content that I have seen, absorbed heard any 34 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,600 Speaker 1: of that involves tips and feedback on how to become 35 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,160 Speaker 1: unsingle or how to find satisfaction in your life despite 36 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 1: being single, like how to sit in the waiting period 37 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:12,080 Speaker 1: of actually having the life you want. So before I 38 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:14,720 Speaker 1: really begin today, I'm gonna start off with a challenge 39 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,360 Speaker 1: for everyone listening. So without any judgment towards yourself, like 40 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 1: none at all, when I ask you what to think of, 41 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,400 Speaker 1: I want you to think of the first two things 42 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: that come to your brain when you hear the word 43 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,480 Speaker 1: single in relation to dating or marriage? What comes up 44 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,960 Speaker 1: when you think about being single? What do you think 45 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,360 Speaker 1: think about single people? What do you think Without editing 46 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,320 Speaker 1: those thoughts, I want you to write down the first 47 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,800 Speaker 1: two thoughts in order somewhere before you listen to the 48 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:45,040 Speaker 1: rest of this podcast, and then bonus points if you 49 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,119 Speaker 1: will send those things to me, pause this podcast, write 50 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,760 Speaker 1: them down, send them to me, and then finish the podcast, 51 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,840 Speaker 1: because I want to hear you're unfiltered like before I 52 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,320 Speaker 1: hear the rest of this episode thoughts. I might share 53 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,040 Speaker 1: those later. Of course they'll be anonymous like everything. So 54 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,480 Speaker 1: what I know be true is that the world is 55 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:04,720 Speaker 1: set up for single people to show up as incomplete, 56 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,040 Speaker 1: which is why the majority of the content we have 57 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,680 Speaker 1: around single nous makes sense to me, Like of course, like, 58 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:12,320 Speaker 1: if that's how we've UW singles, then the content we're 59 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,360 Speaker 1: going to have around that is either how to not 60 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: be this or how to cope with how sad and 61 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,720 Speaker 1: how much it must suck to be in this. If 62 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: you are, being single is often often often assumed or 63 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:30,320 Speaker 1: experienced as a burden, a punishment, just something basically totally undesirable. 64 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:33,040 Speaker 1: So they're seen as less than and even if you 65 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:36,240 Speaker 1: don't think you think that, you probably do. Even if 66 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,320 Speaker 1: you don't want to think that, you might. If we're 67 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: being honest, I bet a lot of people had thoughts 68 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,000 Speaker 1: like the things that I just said. When you guys 69 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,400 Speaker 1: wrote that stuff down, like I feel bad for them. 70 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 1: Life must be hard, they must be sad. I wonder 71 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,000 Speaker 1: why they aren't married, which is very different than I 72 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: wonder why they chose to be single. It's more around 73 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,520 Speaker 1: like what are they doing wrong that's keeping them single. 74 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 1: I also think it's really, really really interesting that single 75 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:03,160 Speaker 1: people can often be looked at as immature. And this 76 00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 1: is really heavy and like Christian and religious cultures and 77 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:10,120 Speaker 1: places and spaces that single people are looked as like 78 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: immature younger, which I find this hilarious that like there 79 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: are places where if you're twenty three and you're married, 80 00:04:16,839 --> 00:04:19,719 Speaker 1: you're treated more like an adult than somebody who's like 81 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: thirty five and single. And I bet a lot of 82 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 1: people have also experienced this. Imagine going on a vacation 83 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,039 Speaker 1: with your family, like your extended family, or if you 84 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,120 Speaker 1: have gone on a vacation with your extended family, I 85 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,560 Speaker 1: want you to just think about who gets the rooms 86 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:37,440 Speaker 1: to themselves and who gets put in the twin beds 87 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,720 Speaker 1: or the bunk bedroom. Is it by age, is it 88 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:45,280 Speaker 1: by financial success or is it by your relationship status? 89 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: Because in my family it's relationship status. I'm thirty two. 90 00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:51,599 Speaker 1: This past summer I was thirty one and went on 91 00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:55,240 Speaker 1: vacation with my family and I was in the room 92 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:59,240 Speaker 1: with the twin beds with my cousin who's I think 93 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,360 Speaker 1: like twenty three, which is fine. I had a great time. 94 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:06,559 Speaker 1: I enjoyed my vacation. But it is interesting how there's 95 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,680 Speaker 1: this immediate connotation that they can go be in here 96 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 1: and they can spend their vacation sharing this room. They 97 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:16,560 Speaker 1: won't mind. It doesn't matter because they're single. Had nothing 98 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:19,279 Speaker 1: to do with our age. Single people also aren't treated 99 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:21,600 Speaker 1: the same when it comes to their time. Boundaries are 100 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: less likely to be understood by someone who's single with 101 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,520 Speaker 1: no kids because they don't have a family and kids 102 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,599 Speaker 1: to go home to and take care of, So what 103 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 1: possibly could they be doing? The expectation is that they 104 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:35,120 Speaker 1: can do more in all areas of life. She's busy, 105 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,320 Speaker 1: she has a family, versus she's single. She can do it. 106 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:41,279 Speaker 1: As if we all aren't out here fighting the hustle 107 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:45,720 Speaker 1: culture standards. Side note with all of that, also your 108 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,640 Speaker 1: free times, not your availability regardless, that's a whole other subject, 109 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,360 Speaker 1: but just how to say that and how to get 110 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,720 Speaker 1: that in. So while this is often how unpartnered people 111 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,159 Speaker 1: in America are seen, the actual reality as being single 112 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:02,359 Speaker 1: is actually becoming increasingly more popular. According to a Counseling 113 00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:05,960 Speaker 1: Today article, the Pew Research Center found that in twousand nineteen, 114 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,920 Speaker 1: thirty eight percent of American adults between the ages of 115 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,000 Speaker 1: twenty five and fifty four we're not married or living 116 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,360 Speaker 1: with a romantic partner. Now we're comparing this to only 117 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,599 Speaker 1: tent being unpartnered in nineteen nine, so that's an eleven 118 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 1: percent increase from thirty years ago. Plus, the number of 119 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,760 Speaker 1: married adults fell from sixty seven percent to fifty three 120 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:32,000 Speaker 1: between nineteen and two thousand nineteen, and the percentage of 121 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 1: people who were cohabitating with partners rose just a little 122 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,560 Speaker 1: bit from four percent to nine percent. Also with that, 123 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,359 Speaker 1: the share of adults who have never been married jumped 124 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:45,239 Speaker 1: from seventeen to thirty three percent during that same time period. 125 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,600 Speaker 1: So that means married people are decreasing and it's not 126 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:52,680 Speaker 1: because divorce is increasing less people are getting married. The 127 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:57,880 Speaker 1: growth in the unpartnered population from nineteen has come from 128 00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,800 Speaker 1: the rise in the number of people who have just 129 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: never been married. And it may not feel this way 130 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:04,880 Speaker 1: depending on what part of the country you live in, 131 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,040 Speaker 1: but people are also getting married. Later in an article 132 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,880 Speaker 1: from Business Insider containing the title the American economy punishes 133 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,000 Speaker 1: single people, which I thought that the titles, guys from 134 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:19,280 Speaker 1: the articles that I was reading for this episode were funny, 135 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:22,320 Speaker 1: but like in a sad way. I'll read a couple 136 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:26,440 Speaker 1: more later, but to start, the American economy punishes single people. 137 00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:31,080 Speaker 1: So in this article, Andy Here's I don't really know 138 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:33,120 Speaker 1: how to say his last name, so that's what we're 139 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,160 Speaker 1: going with. Reported that in two thousand nineteen, just fifty 140 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,440 Speaker 1: one of thirty year olds had been married. In nineteen 141 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:45,200 Speaker 1: two that was and it was still above two thousand, 142 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 1: which is so interesting to meet because the last twenty 143 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:50,000 Speaker 1: years had been filled with countless new ways of meeting 144 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 1: people and opportunities to put a partner and meeting a 145 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,760 Speaker 1: partner on your priority list. We have like five million 146 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: dating apps, and the stigma of using those apps significantly 147 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,480 Speaker 1: decreased now the origination of Tinder in the first place 148 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,120 Speaker 1: came from the intention of making dating more accessible for 149 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:09,120 Speaker 1: those who don't have much time to go out and 150 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:13,480 Speaker 1: meet people, because we're like bumping up against dating in 151 00:08:13,520 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: the hustle culture that millennials are being sucked into that 152 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:19,280 Speaker 1: we talked about a couple of weeks ago. So I 153 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,080 Speaker 1: found this article from the Takeaway where this man, Eric Kleinberg, 154 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,680 Speaker 1: who is the author of Going Solo, The Extraordinary Rise 155 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:30,520 Speaker 1: and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone, was quoted saying it's 156 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,320 Speaker 1: actually probably easier to meet people now more than ever 157 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,319 Speaker 1: before if you think about all the great and credible 158 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:39,679 Speaker 1: technologies we have to connect. But one big issue is 159 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,320 Speaker 1: people today are really looking for their soul mate and 160 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:44,880 Speaker 1: they're not going to compromise. In addition to holding out 161 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:47,480 Speaker 1: for a soul mate, Kleinberg says that many people aren't 162 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:51,360 Speaker 1: settling down with someone because of society's changing culture. It's 163 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,080 Speaker 1: becoming legitimate and viable to be single for a long 164 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,080 Speaker 1: period of time. He says that's never been the case before. 165 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 1: And I agree with part of what he's saying, but 166 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: I don't agree with all of it. And if you 167 00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:03,880 Speaker 1: go back and listen to the episode I did on 168 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:07,240 Speaker 1: dating napps last year, you'll hear some of my griping 169 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:10,439 Speaker 1: around how I think dating napps are awesome. I think 170 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,960 Speaker 1: they're great. They've worked for me. It's actually how I've 171 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: met my current boyfriend. At the same time, they've really 172 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,120 Speaker 1: punished us in a lot of ways, and they've made 173 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:23,000 Speaker 1: dating really really hard. And this part where he says 174 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,400 Speaker 1: it's becoming legitimate and viable to be single for a 175 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,840 Speaker 1: long period of time, I think that's questionable. And I 176 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,440 Speaker 1: think that depends on who you're asking, what part of 177 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:34,400 Speaker 1: the country you're asking it in, what age of person 178 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: you're asking it in, and the background and the privilege 179 00:09:37,679 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: of the person that you're asking it to. Because, for example, 180 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 1: in an article from one titled the Escalating Costs of 181 00:09:45,320 --> 00:09:49,160 Speaker 1: being Single in America and Helen Peterson, who if she 182 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 1: sounds familiar, it's because she wrote the article from the 183 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 1: hustle culture around millennials and burnout, So she basically explained 184 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:59,199 Speaker 1: why being single can feel almost impossible financially now. And 185 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,439 Speaker 1: in this article cool you can look at maybe you 186 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:04,679 Speaker 1: can get by in certain circumstances depending on your background 187 00:10:04,679 --> 00:10:07,360 Speaker 1: and your privilege and all that but it is becoming 188 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,480 Speaker 1: really really hard to meet financial goals that partnered people 189 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,080 Speaker 1: and married people can reach a lot more easily, and 190 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:18,040 Speaker 1: single people are coming up against roadblock against roadblock against roadblock. 191 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,920 Speaker 1: Just economically, this has nothing to do with the like 192 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:26,079 Speaker 1: cultural and emotional stigmatization there is around being single. So 193 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 1: in this article she says percent of US households have 194 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:34,680 Speaker 1: one person. Back in nineteen sixty, that was just and 195 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 1: an additional eleven million households are headed by a single parent, 196 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:42,559 Speaker 1: a number that has tripled since nineteen sixty. Women live 197 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: significantly longer and over their lifetime make less money. Men, 198 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,120 Speaker 1: as a general rule, are far more likely to be 199 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 1: single when they're young, married later or for a second time, 200 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 1: and stay married until their deaths. The reverse is true 201 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,800 Speaker 1: for women. They're more likely to marry young, but then 202 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,240 Speaker 1: they end up divorced or it out and living alone 203 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,679 Speaker 1: as they age. Given these and other trends, including the 204 00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: high cost of aging, the fact that women and black 205 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:10,880 Speaker 1: women in particular it makes significantly less money over their 206 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:15,400 Speaker 1: life lifetimes, it is women and again black women in particular, 207 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: who often bear the biggest financial load of single life. 208 00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,439 Speaker 1: So where this one person is saying it's becoming more 209 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,600 Speaker 1: legitimate and viable to be single for a long period 210 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,199 Speaker 1: of time. Other people are finding it's becoming really really hard, 211 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,560 Speaker 1: like a lot harder economically to be single, specifically if 212 00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,719 Speaker 1: you're a woman. And I really really encourage reading the 213 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:38,679 Speaker 1: article that all the articles that I mentioned today, but 214 00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 1: specifically this one by Anne Helen Peterson, And I'm going 215 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,800 Speaker 1: to link it in the notes because she talks a 216 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:46,480 Speaker 1: lot about stuff that was like very eye opening to 217 00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: me that I don't have the expertise to really speak 218 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: of on this podcast because it's more about like finances 219 00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: and economics and politics. But I want to link it 220 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,679 Speaker 1: because I want you guys to read it, because it 221 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: was very helpful for me to understand, like, oh, what 222 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,480 Speaker 1: really is going on behind the scenes here, And yeah, 223 00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:05,520 Speaker 1: the emotional part is what I can speak to, but 224 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 1: this financial part plays into the emotional part, I think 225 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: to an extent, actually not to an extent, It definitely 226 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,280 Speaker 1: does mean well. I think the younger generations are grasping 227 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,920 Speaker 1: onto the idea that life can be good without a partner. 228 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:21,640 Speaker 1: The messages that they are continuously receiving over and over 229 00:12:21,760 --> 00:12:26,079 Speaker 1: from the older generations and from like our collective culture 230 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:30,720 Speaker 1: don't help make that idea tangible a tangible reality for 231 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,280 Speaker 1: them because they are minded right when it's starting to 232 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,880 Speaker 1: settle in, or they're starting to really be okay with this, 233 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:39,079 Speaker 1: or that they're reminded by judgment that's around them all 234 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,640 Speaker 1: the time that they're missing out with every well have 235 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:44,560 Speaker 1: you met somebody? Question? Or why are you single? Or 236 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,800 Speaker 1: I can't believe you're single, as if like that can't 237 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: be something that somebody would want. So interestingly enough, Kleinberg 238 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,280 Speaker 1: from the above, our are cool, before I started talking 239 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: about Peterson's stated that his research showed that people who 240 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: live alone are actually more likely to volunteer in civic 241 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:12,720 Speaker 1: organizations than people who are married. They're also more likely 242 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 1: to spend time with friends and with neighbors, and of 243 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,120 Speaker 1: course they're a big reason that there's so much activity 244 00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:21,560 Speaker 1: and vitality in the public areas of cities today. They're 245 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,960 Speaker 1: not people who are self involved sitting on the couch 246 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:27,240 Speaker 1: just buying things on eBay. They're really a crucial part 247 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: of modern social life. So I love that he added that, 248 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: because again I was like, I don't sure if you're 249 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,760 Speaker 1: getting this all right, And then he added that, and 250 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,559 Speaker 1: I was like, yes, that needs to be said. People 251 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 1: need to hear that, and people need to know that 252 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:41,360 Speaker 1: that singles are actually a really really important part of 253 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,160 Speaker 1: our culture or society and a lot of the things 254 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 1: that are happening. While we have this notion that we 255 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,079 Speaker 1: need people to be in relationships and we need families 256 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,120 Speaker 1: and we need this, we also really really really need 257 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,199 Speaker 1: single people because they offer something that people who are 258 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:59,200 Speaker 1: married and partnered can't offer, which speaks to something that 259 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,280 Speaker 1: Peterson said head in her Vox article that I'm gonna link. 260 00:14:02,280 --> 00:14:05,719 Speaker 1: Of course, she said single people should, in theory, be 261 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:11,320 Speaker 1: the purest embodiment of American values of self sufficiency and individualism. 262 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,560 Speaker 1: That they're not speaks to the fact that we don't 263 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,800 Speaker 1: venerate the individual. We venerate the individual. Family. The family 264 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:21,720 Speaker 1: fosters the conditions for the individual success. The spouse helps 265 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:25,840 Speaker 1: create the conditions that make success possible. Children, at least 266 00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:30,200 Speaker 1: theoretically keep the individual ground in, focused and humble, which 267 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:34,200 Speaker 1: is why so many narratives of individual success either start 268 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,800 Speaker 1: with that family already firmly in place, or, as in 269 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,240 Speaker 1: the case with so many rom coms and memoirs from 270 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,200 Speaker 1: Sex in the City to how to be single and there. 271 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:46,120 Speaker 1: And this is me Cat talking as someone who sits 272 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,200 Speaker 1: with a lot of single clients. I feel like I 273 00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,040 Speaker 1: have a very unique and privileged understanding of what it's 274 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,920 Speaker 1: really like to be part of this population, at least 275 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,600 Speaker 1: in the South. There is something to be said about 276 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:59,040 Speaker 1: how others, and I've been talking about this this whole episode, 277 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: how other as may view or treat single people, the 278 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,680 Speaker 1: things that they say, and the things that are not 279 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:07,200 Speaker 1: just painful and rude but cringe e when you hear them. 280 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,880 Speaker 1: Sometimes I just wish I could record and play the 281 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 1: stories that I hear from my clients. Now, I never 282 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: would do that ever, ever, ever, So don't worry, but 283 00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:17,520 Speaker 1: I wish I could because I'm like, if people only 284 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,960 Speaker 1: knew the depths of the things that people are saying, 285 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:23,160 Speaker 1: we all would be like, what is happening? There is 286 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 1: an overwhelmingly popular belief out there that it is inconceivable 287 00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: that someone could possibly be single and also be okay. 288 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: Yet the same people who hold that belief tell their 289 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,920 Speaker 1: single friends things like it'll happen when you least expect it, 290 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,480 Speaker 1: so maybe when you stop wanting it, it'll just show 291 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,840 Speaker 1: up okay. That makes no sense, because you're also telling me, 292 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,240 Speaker 1: maybe not verbatim with your words, but with how our 293 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: whole society operates. You're telling me that it is inconceivable 294 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,560 Speaker 1: to understand how anybody could want to be single. But 295 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: then you're also telling me the road to be single 296 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:02,080 Speaker 1: is to not want to be single? What in the 297 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 1: actual hell? And maybe some of the people that are 298 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,280 Speaker 1: doing this have no idea that they're doing this, and 299 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,920 Speaker 1: I actually believe that, but this is what's happening. I 300 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:12,760 Speaker 1: hear it over and over and over, and it's very confusing, 301 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 1: and it's very hard for the single person to figure 302 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,760 Speaker 1: out what they're supposed to think, feel, believe, what's right, 303 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,880 Speaker 1: what they're supposed to want, what they want actually matches 304 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,360 Speaker 1: with what they authentically want because of what the world's 305 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:26,120 Speaker 1: telling them. It's a whole mind. And I'm going to 306 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: withhold saying the bad word there, but jumble. We're going 307 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 1: to say the word jumble. And also wrote in her article, 308 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,680 Speaker 1: some single people love being single, some are fairly ambivalent 309 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:38,560 Speaker 1: about it. Others despise it. None of those postures are 310 00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 1: made easier when your way of life is implicitly and 311 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:45,119 Speaker 1: explicitly understood as a sort of cultural and financial backwater 312 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: to be avoided at all costs. If we want to 313 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,760 Speaker 1: start thinking about how to make it easier for single 314 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: people to find financial stability, we have to start to 315 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,800 Speaker 1: understand single life as something that's not just thinkable, not 316 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 1: just survivable, but actually desirable. And as article was clearly 317 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:06,639 Speaker 1: about the financial burdens that single adulthood bears, but I 318 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:10,160 Speaker 1: think that paragraph speaks to all areas of singleness. All 319 00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,520 Speaker 1: of this, in my eyes, begs the question does everyone 320 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,080 Speaker 1: really want to be in a relationship or is that 321 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:19,560 Speaker 1: all we know? If all the content I can find 322 00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,399 Speaker 1: about singleness is either how to stop being single, or 323 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,239 Speaker 1: how to cope with being single, or what to do 324 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 1: when you wait to not be single, can I even 325 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:31,720 Speaker 1: register that maybe maybe I don't need to cope with this. 326 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480 Speaker 1: Maybe it's not a plague. Maybe it's actually a really 327 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 1: fun way to live life that people can willingly choose 328 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: and be content in and even happy with. And maybe 329 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:43,480 Speaker 1: it's a part of our society that we really need 330 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,680 Speaker 1: and we really need to start valuing. Because I think 331 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,960 Speaker 1: that there's a whole conversation around the credit that we 332 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,200 Speaker 1: fail to give to these people. We look at them 333 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,800 Speaker 1: as second class citizens, not on purpose. And I think 334 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,600 Speaker 1: that there is a conversation that needs to be had 335 00:17:57,640 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 1: around the credit we fail to give to these people, 336 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,920 Speaker 1: these people that we look at as second class citizens, 337 00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,920 Speaker 1: that we look at as adults who haven't matured yet, 338 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 1: that we look at with pity, with confusion, when in 339 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,960 Speaker 1: reality they are some of the most important parts of 340 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,280 Speaker 1: our culture. There are people that have to whether it's 341 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:19,000 Speaker 1: by choice or not, they still have to overcome the 342 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:22,239 Speaker 1: judgments and the roadblocks that are put on them just 343 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:28,080 Speaker 1: by their relationship status, through people, through religious organizations, through 344 00:18:28,680 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: financial institutions, by our general economy. Now, I also know 345 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,840 Speaker 1: that it's legitimate that some people aren't choosing to be single. 346 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 1: Some people really just don't want to be single. Some 347 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,640 Speaker 1: people want to be in relationships. That is a thing. 348 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,879 Speaker 1: I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying is 349 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,080 Speaker 1: spending all our energy trying to console someone or fix 350 00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,760 Speaker 1: this quote problem for them. I don't think it's always helpful. 351 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,840 Speaker 1: It definitely can be helpful, but if it's all we do, 352 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,800 Speaker 1: I think it can become one of those things that 353 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,240 Speaker 1: ends up hurting a lot of people more than help been. 354 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:04,120 Speaker 1: And just like I am so excited, like extremely excited. 355 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,879 Speaker 1: Cannot wait for the day that people can just post 356 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,919 Speaker 1: pictures of their bodies at any size without gaining the 357 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,600 Speaker 1: label brave, as if it has to take courage to 358 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,080 Speaker 1: exist in a body outside of a size four. I 359 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,639 Speaker 1: cannot wait for the day that existing as a single 360 00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,919 Speaker 1: person doesn't get followed up with messages like when you 361 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: meet someone, he's just going to be so great because 362 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,200 Speaker 1: you've waited for so long, Like we need to be consoled, 363 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,080 Speaker 1: like I'm going to be rewarded because I've sat in 364 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,200 Speaker 1: this place that must be miserable for so long. As 365 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,960 Speaker 1: if it's unimaginable that someone can enjoy spending the majority 366 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:42,439 Speaker 1: of their life completely independent of relationship, I cannot wait 367 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,840 Speaker 1: for that day. And with all of that, with everything 368 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,840 Speaker 1: that I've said today, we have to start to acknowledge 369 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,919 Speaker 1: the nuance that there is in generalizing the messages we 370 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,879 Speaker 1: send in this category. The dating advice will just never ever, ever, ever, 371 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:57,120 Speaker 1: ever ever make sense to me as a therapist. Yes, 372 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:01,919 Speaker 1: some people can benefit from feedback personal feedback, that is, 373 00:20:02,119 --> 00:20:05,679 Speaker 1: personal feedback. There are too many personalities out there to 374 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:09,159 Speaker 1: ever be able to give generalized feedback tips and tricks 375 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,119 Speaker 1: for dating. Because as much as I actually love telling 376 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:14,800 Speaker 1: my clients as they are pleading with me to tell 377 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,879 Speaker 1: them what's wrong with them so that they can fix it, 378 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:21,600 Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with you, I love saying that because 379 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:23,679 Speaker 1: they are not hearing that out in the world, and 380 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,840 Speaker 1: it is true. As much as I love saying that, 381 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,320 Speaker 1: I wish I didn't have to do it, I really 382 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: wish that was a question that I never had to 383 00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:33,639 Speaker 1: answer again. But the more we continue to send the 384 00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,399 Speaker 1: soul message that single is less than, the more single 385 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,720 Speaker 1: people are going to deplete their love for themselves by 386 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,560 Speaker 1: asking over and over and over, what's wrong with me? 387 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,000 Speaker 1: Because a single is being less than and I'm single, 388 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 1: something must be wrong with me. Tell me what it is. 389 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,239 Speaker 1: I want to fix it. And if you were in 390 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:57,160 Speaker 1: the millennial generation, and you're in that hustle culture generation, 391 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,199 Speaker 1: which we talked about a couple of weeks ago, then 392 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,280 Speaker 1: you're going to double down on this because if there's 393 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,199 Speaker 1: a problem and it's fixable, you're gonna do everything on 394 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,240 Speaker 1: your power to fix it, and you're going to read 395 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,560 Speaker 1: every book, You're gonna listen to every podcast, you're gonna 396 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 1: watch every show, you're going to talk to every therapist 397 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: until you figure out what that thing is. And the 398 00:21:13,680 --> 00:21:16,560 Speaker 1: thing is a lot of times there's nothing wrong with you. 399 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,600 Speaker 1: We just live in a place and we're surrounded by 400 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:25,480 Speaker 1: people who can't comprehend that being single can be valuable, fun, good. 401 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: But if we keep getting these messages that it's not 402 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,240 Speaker 1: and it can't be and it's a consolation prize, we're 403 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,359 Speaker 1: gonna want to continue to figure out how to not 404 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:37,040 Speaker 1: get the consolation prize. We want the actual prize we want, 405 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 1: like the trip to Mexico. We don't want the trip 406 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,800 Speaker 1: to Gatlinburg. And if you don't live in Tennessee or 407 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,720 Speaker 1: Gatlinburg is it's in the mountains and it's a fun 408 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 1: place to go, But I would much rather go on 409 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 1: an all expensive paid trip to Cancun. And that might 410 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:52,840 Speaker 1: be a weird metaphor to use, but that's what we're 411 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,800 Speaker 1: getting close with. So with all of this being said, today, 412 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,399 Speaker 1: I really just wanted to start a conversation not about 413 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,119 Speaker 1: how hard it is to be single in our world, 414 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:05,439 Speaker 1: but about how messed up it is that we present 415 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: this idea that it must be so hard for somebody 416 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,080 Speaker 1: to be single in this world, because life can be 417 00:22:11,119 --> 00:22:14,320 Speaker 1: really good, whether you're in a relationship or not, and 418 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: I want that message to be said more. And I 419 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,560 Speaker 1: also at the same time don't want that message to 420 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,000 Speaker 1: have to be said more, but I think it needs 421 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 1: to get a push right now while we're trying to 422 00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,080 Speaker 1: even out the playing fields. So if you have specific 423 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:31,240 Speaker 1: questions or if you do want specific content around singleness 424 00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:34,280 Speaker 1: as a topic for the podcast, I would love to 425 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,399 Speaker 1: hear your feedback. I would love to hear how this 426 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,600 Speaker 1: hit you, what stood out, what didn't, because it is 427 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 1: an emotion filled topic. And also I will get to 428 00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,919 Speaker 1: those other topics you sent in. I'm working on a 429 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,880 Speaker 1: couple of really exciting episodes, at least they're exciting for me. 430 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,640 Speaker 1: One is on cults, one is on purity culture, and 431 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,760 Speaker 1: there is one in the works on a d h D. 432 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,679 Speaker 1: But I am not an expert in that, so I 433 00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,240 Speaker 1: am I'm not an expert on cults or purity culture there, 434 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,320 Speaker 1: but I want to get a real expert on a 435 00:23:02,400 --> 00:23:05,200 Speaker 1: d h D because you know, it seems just these 436 00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,480 Speaker 1: days everybody's an expert on TikTok when it comes to 437 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,240 Speaker 1: a d h D. So we're going to get somebody 438 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,040 Speaker 1: that I really trust and value on here to talk 439 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,240 Speaker 1: about that, and we will answer some of the questions 440 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,680 Speaker 1: that you guys have around all that is a d 441 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:18,880 Speaker 1: h D, especially in adulthood. So I hope you guys 442 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,439 Speaker 1: have the day you need to have, the week you 443 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,959 Speaker 1: need to have, the hour you need to have. I 444 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,359 Speaker 1: will talk to you guys again on couch Talks and 445 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,160 Speaker 1: thanks for listening again. You can now rate on Spotify, 446 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,960 Speaker 1: So if you're listening on Spotify pretty pretty, please give 447 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:36,320 Speaker 1: me some stars. If you haven't rated on Apple podcast two, 448 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:39,320 Speaker 1: we would love that you can follow me at cat 449 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:43,760 Speaker 1: dot Defata on Instagram and at You Need Therapy podcast 450 00:23:44,160 --> 00:23:47,000 Speaker 1: to follow the podcast again, Have the day you need 451 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:55,520 Speaker 1: to have, Love you guys, and goodbye.