WEBVTT - Do Black Dads Matter? | MiniPod 0:00:00.800 --> 0:00:03.680 Native Land Pod is the production of iHeartRadio in partnership 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:04.880 with Recent Choice Media. 0:00:05.480 --> 0:00:08.680 Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, welcome, Welcome. 0:00:13.320 --> 0:00:17.400 Hey everyone, this is a very special Father's Day edition 0:00:17.480 --> 0:00:20.560 of our mini pod, and we want to welcome you home, 0:00:20.720 --> 0:00:25.000 especially to the fathers. Andrew has some big thoughts on 0:00:25.040 --> 0:00:27.280 what it means to be a black father in this country, 0:00:27.600 --> 0:00:29.920 and so, Andrew, I want you to take it away. 0:00:30.400 --> 0:00:33.880 Thank you sis. The reputation of black fathers has weathered 0:00:33.960 --> 0:00:37.320 the bumps, bruises, and pains of not only the impacts 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:40.000 of the actual job of being a father, but also 0:00:40.040 --> 0:00:46.720 the mercilessly relentless media and societal narratives that are often critical. 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:54.000 Such words as deadbeat, useless, absent, uncaring, and not a 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:58.520 family person are just some of the words, phrases, descriptions 0:00:58.560 --> 0:01:03.680 that might accompany the misguided definition of a father. Nothing, however, 0:01:03.720 --> 0:01:06.479 could be further from the truth. As we approach this 0:01:06.600 --> 0:01:09.399 Father's Day, let's use our energy to tell a more 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:13.399 complete and honest story of black men who are also fathers. 0:01:14.200 --> 0:01:16.480 But before we deepen into this mini pod with me 0:01:16.640 --> 0:01:19.280 and my co host, I have a very very simple 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:23.360 request for our listeners, and that is could you please 0:01:23.920 --> 0:01:29.000 take sixty seconds, one minute to reflect on your experience 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:32.120 with your own father. It could be a precious memory 0:01:32.680 --> 0:01:37.399 that encapsulates, in some short form the best memory you 0:01:37.520 --> 0:01:42.400 have of your father, living or past. Maybe you could 0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:45.119 even offer what your father may have offered you by 0:01:45.160 --> 0:01:47.400 way of the best advice that you didn't know was 0:01:47.480 --> 0:01:50.720 at the point, but you by and by came to 0:01:50.800 --> 0:01:54.280 learn and benefit from. And this is actually where I'd 0:01:54.360 --> 0:01:57.280 like to begin the conversation with my co host, which is, 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:03.480 I know each have different experiences with father and father 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:08.520 figures and our lives, and I certainly don't expect any 0:02:08.520 --> 0:02:11.239 of us to romanticize any part of it, but to 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:15.680 hopefully talk honestly about what it means. But this was 0:02:16.639 --> 0:02:22.200 really Tiffany's idea to sort of deepen into this conversation 0:02:22.240 --> 0:02:25.680 about fathers and black men as fathers. And then I 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:28.600 saw it on our database and I was like, I 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:31.880 want to borrow this from you, because I kept thinking, 0:02:32.160 --> 0:02:35.560 just as Mother's Day had recently passed, about how, just 0:02:35.680 --> 0:02:39.000 how in every single way it seems society re emphasizes 0:02:39.200 --> 0:02:42.560 and defines and glorifies the role of the mother, which 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:46.000 I think is awesome amazing, and I do the same 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:49.200 thing for my own and for my children's mother, my wife. 0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:53.240 But I often, you know, sort of struggle with the 0:02:53.280 --> 0:02:57.840 fact that the role of the black male father is 0:02:57.880 --> 0:03:03.920 not as well extolled, is not as celebrated. In so 0:03:04.040 --> 0:03:07.720 many ways, it's the exact opposite. It's given a reputation, 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:11.639 a brand, and it's our fight to struggle to come 0:03:11.680 --> 0:03:15.440 from underneath that brand. And if you do rise from 0:03:15.520 --> 0:03:19.680 underneath it, you're an exception, a very rare exception. And 0:03:19.800 --> 0:03:22.120 I think all of us know that that isn't the 0:03:22.160 --> 0:03:24.320 total and complete truth. So my question to y'all is 0:03:24.360 --> 0:03:28.880 if you could offer a memory, a thought, maybe piece 0:03:28.919 --> 0:03:34.320 of advice that sort of sticks with you when you 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:36.160 think about your relationship to your own dad. 0:03:38.800 --> 0:03:40.960 Well, the first thing that came to mind when you 0:03:41.000 --> 0:03:43.920 were talking about a memory is my dad used to 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:47.640 take me and my cousins to feed the ducks, which 0:03:47.640 --> 0:03:51.080 we can't do anymore in Seattle. But I love that. 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:54.960 What I know is that my dad was a constant 0:03:55.720 --> 0:03:58.720 is a constant presence, and I know that that is 0:03:58.760 --> 0:04:01.640 an exception and not the norm, not just for I 0:04:01.680 --> 0:04:03.880 think for black fathers, but I think for so many 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:06.120 kids in their fathers, even if they grew up in 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:08.600 the house with them, like there's a label put on 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.240 them of like you're the provider, and so that means 0:04:11.280 --> 0:04:15.000 you work your skin, your hands to the bone to provide. 0:04:15.000 --> 0:04:17.360 And that means also that you can't be there with 0:04:17.400 --> 0:04:22.520 your kids as much. But I feel really fortunate, spoiled 0:04:22.560 --> 0:04:26.080 and privileged to have grown up with a dad who 0:04:26.120 --> 0:04:28.440 was always there. And if he wasn't doing something for 0:04:28.480 --> 0:04:30.360 fun with me, we were definitely on a way to 0:04:30.400 --> 0:04:35.320 a protest. So that's that's the memory they come to place. 0:04:35.520 --> 0:04:40.960 That we love Papa Rye. I. So my dad passed 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:44.159 away when I was twelve, I think, but my father, 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:47.279 I was a daddy's girl all day, he too, was 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:50.000 a constant presence. We didn't live in the same house. 0:04:50.720 --> 0:04:52.760 He and my mom were together long enough to create 0:04:52.800 --> 0:04:55.200 me and that was it. But my father spent the 0:04:55.279 --> 0:04:58.080 night at our house sleib on the count every Christmas 0:04:58.120 --> 0:05:01.839 Eve to be there with me, and I would open 0:05:01.880 --> 0:05:04.840 my toys in the morning I could be with If 0:05:04.839 --> 0:05:06.360 I wanted to be with my father, I was with 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:10.360 my father. Now that meant wherever my father was, I 0:05:10.440 --> 0:05:13.680 was there. If it was at a cabaret at midnight, and. 0:05:13.600 --> 0:05:14.640 I wanted to be with him. 0:05:15.000 --> 0:05:18.320 I was there, and he used to work for the city, 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:22.760 driving like the big machines that paved the roads, and 0:05:22.800 --> 0:05:25.599 he would drive by to see me. He had a motorcycle. 0:05:25.640 --> 0:05:28.000 I would be on. This is the eighties, so kidreds 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:31.200 were different. I'd be on the motorcycle with him. One 0:05:31.240 --> 0:05:33.440 of my earliest memories. And I think it's important to 0:05:33.440 --> 0:05:38.240 say this to reflect the genuine love of all fathers. 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:41.040 My dad struggled with addiction and he would have me 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:44.360 with him, and he was everybody, kind to everyone. He 0:05:44.480 --> 0:05:47.080 just never met a stranger. He loved animals. He was 0:05:47.160 --> 0:05:49.719 kind to people, and if you were like the winos 0:05:49.760 --> 0:05:51.719 on the corner, my dad would spend his last dollar 0:05:51.800 --> 0:05:54.560 to get them a fifth or whatever. And I remember 0:05:54.640 --> 0:05:57.680 because I could be with him wherever. One of my 0:05:57.720 --> 0:06:01.080 earliest memories, I was a little girl, maybe three or four, 0:06:01.400 --> 0:06:03.440 and I was on his lap and my dad was 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:07.599 with his friends doing what they do, and it was 0:06:07.600 --> 0:06:09.880 a bunch of guys and they're like Bronco, like Bronson 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:12.600 Reed was my father's name. Bronco puts your daughter to bed. 0:06:12.920 --> 0:06:16.520 And my father has some choice words my daughter can 0:06:16.560 --> 0:06:18.200 sit up here all day if you want to on 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:21.120 my lap. It's like midnight. And he said, man, please, 0:06:21.160 --> 0:06:23.400 my daughter gonna be cool. She gonna know about all this. 0:06:23.920 --> 0:06:26.640 And they start rolling the weed by daughters, like watch this, baby, 0:06:26.680 --> 0:06:29.839 what's this? I was like a joint. Ain't nobody gonna 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:33.920 be in and talk about daughters. But he was an 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:39.520 amazing dad, you know, Like I just I don't romanticize 0:06:39.560 --> 0:06:41.919 what it would have been like to have doctor Huxtable 0:06:42.120 --> 0:06:45.279 and Claire as my parents. I think the parents I 0:06:45.360 --> 0:06:49.760 had well prepared me for this life and made me 0:06:49.960 --> 0:06:55.360 relatable to people beyond a socioeconomic status. You can drop 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:57.720 me off in the hood on any Moka Boulevard and 0:06:57.760 --> 0:07:02.040 I'm comfortable. I'm at home. And my father in large 0:07:02.040 --> 0:07:02.479 part to that. 0:07:02.680 --> 0:07:07.120 Yeah, it's funny you described your dad as sort of gregarious, outgoing, 0:07:07.240 --> 0:07:10.000 didn't meet a stranger. Yeah, my dad was the same way, 0:07:10.080 --> 0:07:13.960 and also struggle with addiction, alcohol addiction in his case. 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:20.640 And I remember it feels like all of it so vividly, 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:23.880 because so my dad was a construction worker growing up, 0:07:24.080 --> 0:07:28.600 and my mom drove drove school buses, and there were 0:07:28.640 --> 0:07:31.280 seven of us, you know, seven kids, and my dad would. 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:36.040 I quite frankly remember my dad being more at my 0:07:36.120 --> 0:07:42.760 school plays, track meets school events even more than my mom. 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:44.920 And that's not to say one is good than the other. 0:07:44.960 --> 0:07:47.800 My mother oftentimes couldn't do it because she would pick 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:50.960 up after driving the school bus and she worked down 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:53.320 the street at the dry cleaners where she would press 0:07:53.360 --> 0:07:56.480 clothes until it closed, and then on the weekends she 0:07:56.520 --> 0:07:58.800 would clean houses and we would often go with her, 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:01.760 so she was often you know, out there making sure 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:03.800 that we had, you know, what, she was earning what 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:06.000 she needed to to take care of all of us. 0:08:06.360 --> 0:08:12.000 But my father would like be the funniest guy in 0:08:12.120 --> 0:08:15.680 the room. He cracked the jokes, he's you know, you know, 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:18.080 slapping it, you know, on the back with everybody, and 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:23.200 people just loved him. They gravitated to him. I certainly 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:25.360 gravitated to him in that way. And then there was 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:28.600 this point at which you would start to like, you know, 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:30.720 get a little nervous because you knew Daddy was drinking 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.880 and now at this point, you know, he'll go beyond 0:08:33.960 --> 0:08:37.520 that point. And then it turned you know, ugly, and 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:41.640 mostly it would turn ugly for my mother, and I 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:45.280 remember not being able to reconcile the two, like just 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:48.640 being is my dad a bad guy or a good guy? 0:08:49.040 --> 0:08:52.000 Because I was experiencing him so much as a good guy, 0:08:52.800 --> 0:08:55.560 and then I see him argue with my mother, or 0:08:55.640 --> 0:08:59.720 I see him drunken then pass out, and you know, 0:08:59.800 --> 0:09:02.600 not have his you know, his his wist, a bottom 0:09:02.840 --> 0:09:08.640 or whatever. But but he was such a constant presence 0:09:08.720 --> 0:09:11.479 even even through all of it, which is so strange 0:09:12.080 --> 0:09:15.240 because you think of alcoholism, and you think of alcohol abuse, 0:09:15.280 --> 0:09:17.880 and you think about homes that seem or feel broken, 0:09:18.520 --> 0:09:21.319 and it's easy to put that parent in a box 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:22.719 and you know which one is the bad one and 0:09:22.760 --> 0:09:24.000 which one is a good one, and which one to 0:09:24.040 --> 0:09:26.480 take care of you. And I don't have that of him. 0:09:26.480 --> 0:09:29.040 And I should also note today that we are sitting 0:09:29.080 --> 0:09:32.440 down and speaking is my dad's birthday. He passed away 0:09:32.840 --> 0:09:35.600 the year after I ran for governor, a few months 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:38.800 after the race for governor was over. And I remember 0:09:38.880 --> 0:09:44.480 feeling like like not the good child because I didn't 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:47.400 know he was sick. He didn't share it. It was 0:09:47.480 --> 0:09:50.080 such a shock, you know, such a surprise. You know, 0:09:50.080 --> 0:09:51.440 the next time I see him was at a hospital. 0:09:51.480 --> 0:09:53.880 He's not speaking and you know a few days later, 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:58.679 you know Dad's gone. But it is also very much 0:09:58.720 --> 0:10:02.360 so him. He didn't tell his problems to anybody. He 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:04.640 didn't lean on anybody. He didn't want to be a 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:08.840 burden to anybody. If something was wrong, he just held it. 0:10:08.920 --> 0:10:10.840 He just kept it. So I'm thinking about my dad 0:10:10.880 --> 0:10:14.600 being deployed by the campaign, going to these neighborhoods, going 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:17.120 back to Miami, like just doing what he could for 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:21.840 his son while in pain and not sharing it. And 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:25.640 you know some you know, guilt around that, right, Yeah, 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:29.600 of course, of course. But I think part of what 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:33.720 makes the job of a black father's particularly challenging is 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:37.280 is not only do you have filling the role right, 0:10:37.320 --> 0:10:39.400 you got to show up. You're often the provider. Right. 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:41.360 People who even grow with Dad's in the home, as 0:10:41.400 --> 0:10:44.160 you referenced, Angela, you know, they may be in the home, 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:47.920 but they're also working this. You know, the society gives 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:51.680 them a burden that they have to cure. So he 0:10:51.800 --> 0:10:54.800 did those things. But I think as I reflect on him, 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:59.000 I'm so blessed for the nuggets. You know, he would 0:10:59.000 --> 0:11:00.800 tell every one of my others Blin's watch out for 0:11:00.840 --> 0:11:02.840 this one. Because God knows he don't have it in 0:11:02.840 --> 0:11:05.400 common sense. You know, he thought I was. He thought 0:11:05.400 --> 0:11:07.160 I was a kid that everybody was gonna get overall 0:11:08.840 --> 0:11:13.800 because I saw innocence, yeah, sense and everything. And Dad 0:11:13.880 --> 0:11:16.720 is like, nah son, you know, so he's telling my 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:18.360 little baby sister, watch out for your brother. 0:11:18.520 --> 0:11:20.120 Yeah, that's not the way that's supposed to be. 0:11:22.360 --> 0:11:27.640 She's the lawyer's circle of everybody and everything. Yeah, all right, y'all, 0:11:27.640 --> 0:11:29.400 we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:39.920 right back. I think about the role that we have 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.280 to play. And then later on top of that, what 0:11:42.480 --> 0:11:46.320 society then says you are? Yeah, in every single way, 0:11:46.360 --> 0:11:48.960 shape and form. And I just wonder, particularly for you, Angela, 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:53.800 because you do sit an interesting intersection with Hollywood film production, 0:11:54.000 --> 0:12:00.640 the portrayal of figures, and our community is like, is 0:12:00.679 --> 0:12:04.280 it that saleable to tell the story repeatedly of an 0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:10.120 absentee dad who ain't about chit versus a more complete 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:11.160 and accomplished story. 0:12:11.440 --> 0:12:11.720 Yeah. 0:12:11.800 --> 0:12:12.360 You know, I. 0:12:14.520 --> 0:12:16.840 Have a unique I think bias here, and I think 0:12:16.920 --> 0:12:19.920 part of it is I really do believe that a 0:12:20.000 --> 0:12:23.800 lot of people make film, right, screenplays and all of 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:28.120 that based on their own experiences. Yeah, like people pile 0:12:28.320 --> 0:12:32.280 I feel like often on Tyler Perry and I don't 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:34.640 really see it in the same way. He has been 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:39.320 relentless about speaking his truth about his experience growing up 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.520 around his mom when he went into the shop with her, 0:12:41.600 --> 0:12:44.120 like he talks about his own experience, and so you 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:46.440 can get mad at it, but really, what is the 0:12:46.480 --> 0:12:49.400 societal condition that is there for us to address? I 0:12:49.440 --> 0:12:51.719 do think we could spend a lot more time highlighting 0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:55.800 not just the black father, but also black families and 0:12:55.960 --> 0:13:00.320 the ways, especially now that people come together alternative to 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:03.720 create loving environments. I think one of the dopest things 0:13:03.760 --> 0:13:08.800 about the black community historically has been our village, you know, 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:11.280 the mentality that it takes a village to raise a child. 0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:14.120 And sometimes your aunties and your cousins and all that 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.120 ain't blood related. But we were there because as a 0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:22.920 protection mechanism, and that is deep love that has virtually 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.400 been destroyed now by this is not the point of 0:13:25.400 --> 0:13:29.640 this particular podcast, but like by gentrification and housing affordability 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:31.920 and access and all that, some of those things have 0:13:31.960 --> 0:13:34.320 been broken down and it has been very detrimental to 0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:37.240 I think these kids, you know, So I think that 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:40.760 where fathers had to work. You know, Auntie so and 0:13:40.800 --> 0:13:43.360 so came in and took over this grandmar or this 0:13:43.880 --> 0:13:46.800 nana came in. And I think that some of those 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:50.080 things should be celebrated more than what the father didn't do, 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:52.720 the fact that this kid ended up our right, is 0:13:52.760 --> 0:13:56.400 a testament to how incredibly dope and versatile and innovative 0:13:56.400 --> 0:13:57.320 the black community is. 0:13:57.520 --> 0:13:59.440 I think we should do a minipod on Tyler Perry 0:14:00.440 --> 0:14:04.320 or maybe something like how Black art and like storytellers. 0:14:04.679 --> 0:14:08.199 But I just want to offer this, and I did 0:14:08.240 --> 0:14:10.160 not plan this for this particular episode, but I just 0:14:10.160 --> 0:14:12.360 wrote something on black fathers, and so I had to 0:14:12.400 --> 0:14:15.760 do research on it. And seventy percent of black fathers 0:14:15.760 --> 0:14:18.800 who lived with their children were more likely most likely 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:22.480 to have bathe dress changed, or help their baby's potty 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:26.320 every day. So even this narrative of black fathers aren't there, 0:14:26.440 --> 0:14:28.400 it's not true. The data doesn't support it. And that 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:30.960 was according to the CDC, the Center for Disease Control. 0:14:31.720 --> 0:14:35.640 The data showed that that was even more than white fathers. 0:14:35.680 --> 0:14:38.200 They were at sixty percent, Latino fathers were at forty 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:42.200 five percent. Those same black fathers were also more likely 0:14:42.240 --> 0:14:44.400 to have eaten a meal with their children. And the 0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:47.800 numbers are high, not just for biological fathers living in 0:14:47.880 --> 0:14:50.560 the home, but also for black fathers stepping into the 0:14:50.640 --> 0:14:52.920 role of a step parent. And it shows that black 0:14:52.960 --> 0:14:56.520 fathers maintained consistent involvement with their children even when outside 0:14:56.560 --> 0:14:58.440 the home. I hate to say this, I may lose 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:01.640 a man corner here too in the audience, but I 0:15:01.720 --> 0:15:04.800 have to say President Obama was also somebody who perpetuated 0:15:04.840 --> 0:15:08.080 a narrative of this absent black father that was not true. 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:11.080 He represented a black father who was present, but in 0:15:11.120 --> 0:15:13.760 his remarks he would make these comments and it's like, 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:16.400 what are you basing that on. That's not true. His 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:20.480 black father was not present, and so to your point, 0:15:20.520 --> 0:15:23.600 maybe he was talking about his own experience, but then 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:26.320 would carry that message in as the president. When you're speaking, 0:15:26.560 --> 0:15:29.640 you're not speaking to your father, You're speaking to the everybody. 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:32.880 And so the world would hear you lecture on some 0:15:33.000 --> 0:15:36.520 level black fathers, and it just it wasn't warranted. It's like, hey, 0:15:36.520 --> 0:15:38.560 these kids go to sidwell with your kids, you know, 0:15:38.840 --> 0:15:41.240 like these kids' fathers are doing the same thing you're doing. 0:15:41.600 --> 0:15:44.280 He could have also been a victim of what society 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:48.240 re emphasizes about who we are and how we show. 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:51.160 Up who they expected him to be. So he wanted 0:15:51.200 --> 0:15:53.520 to say, no, I'm on some level, I'm one of 0:15:53.560 --> 0:15:54.120 the good ones. 0:15:54.520 --> 0:15:55.040 Look at me, and. 0:15:57.480 --> 0:15:59.600 You hear another expression, well. 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.800 Very honest about how things worked in their home and 0:16:03.800 --> 0:16:09.440 and being challenged for a good decade in their marriageability. 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.920 And I get that too, right, because he has he 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:15.560 had expectations put on him of how he was supposed 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:17.960 to perform. I always find it interesting when people think 0:16:18.000 --> 0:16:22.200 of dads as like disassociated emotionally from you know, their kids. 0:16:22.280 --> 0:16:25.120 I mean, I know black dads who did skin the 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:27.960 skin immediately after the mother, did skin to skin contact 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:30.920 with the baby after the baby was born. Who were 0:16:30.960 --> 0:16:33.840 the ones who got I did? Of course, yeah, all three. 0:16:33.760 --> 0:16:34.280 For sure. 0:16:34.920 --> 0:16:37.840 You do it with both the twins and. 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:46.520 Broad chests premature and there you know they're they're there everything. 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.200 I take great pride in the role I'm able to 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:53.360 play with my kids today. And it wasn't always that way. 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:56.200 I think about, you know, when I was still very 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:59.960 heavily entrenched in politics, and there were others in addition 0:17:00.040 --> 0:17:03.040 into RJ. But my mother, my mother in law, you know, 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:05.960 sitters who would have to take on more of those 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:08.920 present roles. And I think I remember reflecting, like after 0:17:08.920 --> 0:17:11.200 I lost the race, I kept thinking like, oh my gosh, 0:17:11.240 --> 0:17:12.960 all these years that I can never get back. I 0:17:13.000 --> 0:17:16.560 gave to this thing and I'll never and and and 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:19.320 it's okay. And I'm okay with it now because there 0:17:19.320 --> 0:17:22.360 are new moments that we're able to create. I love 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:25.480 being emotionally in tune with them. I want my kids, 0:17:25.760 --> 0:17:28.120 you know, to talk to me. I want my third 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:34.399 one to talk less because he just tells all. But 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:37.080 we show up and we grieve and we have, you know, 0:17:37.560 --> 0:17:41.360 just deep hopes. And I think some of what I've 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:43.520 always tried to figure out, like my dad would always 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:47.000 couch a good moment with like you know, the shoes 0:17:47.040 --> 0:17:49.760 can drop, the shoes gonna drop tomorrow. Like he would 0:17:49.760 --> 0:17:52.199 never let you get too high on the on the 0:17:52.280 --> 0:17:55.760 upswing because he was trying to prepare me for the 0:17:55.800 --> 0:17:59.080 disappointing moments and days. And I know a lot of 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:01.199 dads who that you like, you want to tell your 0:18:01.240 --> 0:18:03.800 kid there's something around the band, like be happy about 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.639 this thing, be okay. But they didn't let us go 0:18:06.720 --> 0:18:09.360 overboard because they knew that there was a much crueler 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:13.160 and tougher society out there, conditions that they could not control. 0:18:13.680 --> 0:18:18.200 That they didn't want us to be thrown completely off 0:18:18.280 --> 0:18:20.119 and just set back on our heels. They're trying to 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:23.600 prepare us. And I struggle now with a different preparation 0:18:23.680 --> 0:18:25.879 from my children, because I don't want them to, you know, 0:18:26.040 --> 0:18:28.119 to think that everything's funky dory in the world and 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:30.320 everybody wishes them well and and that kind of thing. 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:34.000 But also I don't want them having, you know, everything, 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:34.640 seeing everything through. 0:18:35.640 --> 0:18:38.240 It's a unique burden that black fathers have be It's 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:40.320 it's like your mind. And I think this is unique 0:18:40.359 --> 0:18:43.280 to black children. They come in the world as ours 0:18:43.760 --> 0:18:47.800 in terms of the communities. If you see any black 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:51.360 child anywhere, you feel responsible. 0:18:52.520 --> 0:18:53.960 Too close to the you know whatever that is. 0:18:54.119 --> 0:18:59.760 I mean, I don't remember for you all the way 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:00.400 through you. 0:19:02.160 --> 0:19:05.280 Yes, swinging thing up there coming when it. 0:19:05.160 --> 0:19:07.200 Comes, she's my dad would say, she alive. 0:19:08.960 --> 0:19:13.359 These children, I think because of the trauma of the plantation, 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:16.159 that they could be beaten or taken away from you, 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:18.640 or meet looked as an adult at a certain point 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:21.080 when they were far too young that you do feel 0:19:21.119 --> 0:19:25.359 this traumatic protection for black children and you feel licensed 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:28.639 to intervene. So if you see a father walking with 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:30.439 his kids and you don't know this man from Adam, 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:33.199 I feel like a lot of black women take license, 0:19:33.320 --> 0:19:35.919 like those are my children, to say something if I 0:19:35.960 --> 0:19:37.600 want to, And you can say to this father that 0:19:37.600 --> 0:19:40.800 baby need a jacket on, need a hat on his head. 0:19:41.160 --> 0:19:43.480 And black men seem to understand this. You know, it 0:19:43.560 --> 0:19:46.240 might be frustrating and annoying, but it's like this is 0:19:46.400 --> 0:19:48.560 this is how it works at the playground. My friends 0:19:48.560 --> 0:19:50.479 who have kids, one of my close friends, he has 0:19:50.520 --> 0:19:52.719 three kids. I went to the playground with him and 0:19:52.760 --> 0:19:55.679 it's a smortgage board of kids there, but the black kids, 0:19:55.720 --> 0:19:58.359 all the black parents responsible for the black kids. They 0:19:58.400 --> 0:20:00.200 didn't say anything to the white kids because you. 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:00.600 Ever, you never know. 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:04.040 But if you're in my community, I know it's like, hey, yeah, 0:20:04.080 --> 0:20:09.160 I told him to get down. 0:20:04.880 --> 0:20:04.960 You. 0:20:07.119 --> 0:20:11.560 Know, like, yes, this is a collective raising of our right. 0:20:11.920 --> 0:20:13.720 But can I just say this too, really quickly about 0:20:13.720 --> 0:20:17.160 your dad, Andrew, I hear you about like being in pain. 0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:22.240 I think that is quintessential black men. Uh my father, 0:20:22.400 --> 0:20:24.920 I didn't know. He ended up passing away from serrosis 0:20:24.920 --> 0:20:28.320 to the liver. My grandfather was like that something about 0:20:28.359 --> 0:20:31.640 black man where it's like we don't we well of 0:20:31.640 --> 0:20:35.160 our generation and before where you don't get to wear 0:20:35.359 --> 0:20:39.439 your feelings. And also I would bet I didn't know 0:20:39.520 --> 0:20:41.760 your dad, but I know your dad, and I would 0:20:41.800 --> 0:20:45.200 bet he would not change any amount of time he spent. 0:20:45.560 --> 0:20:47.600 No way was he gonna be at home feeling pain. 0:20:47.840 --> 0:20:49.720 I gotta go hit this payment. That's what I know 0:20:49.800 --> 0:20:52.439 how to do. And it's my boy. You know, my 0:20:52.520 --> 0:20:54.359 boy is running for governor. I'm gonna go out and 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:56.840 do this because this makes me not think about the pain. 0:20:57.200 --> 0:20:59.359 It not makes me think about my illness. You know. 0:20:59.480 --> 0:21:02.240 He was so yes, So I want you to like 0:21:02.280 --> 0:21:04.679 you're talking about guilt like Andre, he was doing what 0:21:04.720 --> 0:21:05.280 he is. 0:21:05.400 --> 0:21:05.760 Proud. 0:21:06.040 --> 0:21:08.360 Yeah, well, I'll tell you. I know there are more 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:12.119 proud ones out there just like him, where we were 0:21:12.200 --> 0:21:14.719 running short on time. But I just I hope that 0:21:15.160 --> 0:21:20.960 on this Father's Day that we do collectively, individually and 0:21:21.040 --> 0:21:26.680 everywhere we can celebrate, lift up, compliment, share and experience 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:30.080 that alters other people's narrative about what they think we 0:21:30.119 --> 0:21:32.520 are and how we show up, not necessarily just for them, 0:21:32.560 --> 0:21:35.840 but for us. It pains me when I see impressions 0:21:35.880 --> 0:21:38.880 of black men as fathers that are wayward and don't 0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:42.760 reflect the men that I know. And so this isn't 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:46.439 too this isn't about scripting to other people so that 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:49.400 they understand and appreciate us. It's a script to ourselves, 0:21:49.640 --> 0:21:53.920 a reminder to ourselves the ways in which we are 0:21:54.119 --> 0:21:58.919