Speaker 1: Hello, gorgeous. It's La La Kent. Welcome to Untraditionally Laala.
Speaker 1: Hey babe, Welcome to the.
Speaker 2: Bonus episode of Untraditionally Lala. I had a listener call
Speaker 2: in and leave a message that I think a lot
Speaker 2: of parents who have gone through a separation, divorce, custody situation.
Speaker 2: I'm going to insert it and then we're going to
Speaker 2: discuss and I can't wait.
Speaker 3: Hey Lala, my name is Jessica, and I just wanted
Speaker 3: to leave a message because your podcast has truly helped
Speaker 3: me through some of the hardest years of my life.
Speaker 3: I've been divorced for homost four years now, and so
Speaker 3: much of what you talk about resonates with me. Like you,
Speaker 3: I feel I'm not really co parenting. I'm parenting alongside
Speaker 3: someone who is completely apps and emotionally and impossible to
Speaker 3: communicate with. Every concern to bring up has immediately turned
Speaker 3: into me attacking him instead of us working together for
Speaker 3: the kids. I have an eight year old son and
Speaker 3: a five year old daughter. My daughter is finally at
Speaker 3: the age where she's able to express her feelings and
Speaker 3: it's heartbreaking. Exchanges are often full of tears, so I'm
Speaker 3: usually one comforting her, redirecting her, and helping her process
Speaker 3: or emotions. Our dad just sits there and says nothing.
Speaker 3: Shortly after we filed for divorce, he got another woman
Speaker 3: pregnant within a month. Since then, there has been so
Speaker 3: many cross boundaries. His girlfriend has inserted herself into situations
Speaker 3: at school, and my daughter often comes home telling me
Speaker 3: how mean she is to her. But when I try
Speaker 3: to address it, I'm told I'm causing problems or attacking him.
Speaker 3: Then suddenly my daughter comes back with new toys or
Speaker 3: gifts the next week, and it feels like they're trying
Speaker 3: to buy her affection instead of addressing the actual issues.
Speaker 3: There's so many days that I feel completely alone in
Speaker 3: this experience. Listening to you talk honestly about navigating narcissic behavior, heartbreak,
Speaker 3: motherhood boundaries, and finding yourself again as they you feel
Speaker 3: seen in a way that very few things have. Your
Speaker 3: podcast reminds me that I'm not crazy, I'm not alone,
Speaker 3: and there are so many other women walking through this too.
Speaker 3: I could ask you one question, it would be this,
Speaker 3: that's the biggest one of self care or self preservation
Speaker 3: you found that helps you keep you sane while dealing
Speaker 3: with high conflict coparent situation. Yeause some things, I feel
Speaker 3: like I'm carrying this emotional weight of everything and I'm
Speaker 3: still trying to figure out how to protect my peace.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for being vulnerable, honest, and creating
Speaker 3: a space where women like me needs You'll understand. I
Speaker 3: appreciate you so much. Thanks.
Speaker 2: So this has so many different layers because at the
Speaker 2: very beginning, remember I'm five years out, so I have
Speaker 2: a thirty thousand foot view.
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of time.
Speaker 2: To process and discover what works what doesn't work. I've
Speaker 2: been in contact with many different family lawyers who have
Speaker 2: kind of given me the lay of the land, what's acceptable,
Speaker 2: what isn't. And it is one of the toughest roads
Speaker 2: to navigate co parenting. And there is a point in
Speaker 2: time where you have to throw your hands up and
Speaker 2: say this person is impossible to co parent with, and
Speaker 2: in order to protect my peace, I will parallel parent
Speaker 2: with them. Now, parallel parenting versus co parenting means that
Speaker 2: you do not necessarily work together. It's two very separate households.
Speaker 2: There's very little communication unless it's necessary. MYX and I
Speaker 2: pay for an app that we communicate through If you
Speaker 2: don't want to do that, you can you stick to
Speaker 2: just email because I know what's acceptable in court, right
Speaker 2: Like text messages don't really hold up. So that's why
Speaker 2: I went for the route of ofw which is our
Speaker 2: family wizard.
Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing is your piece.
Speaker 2: If you can learn to disconnect from this person and
Speaker 2: know that you are simply an energy source when you
Speaker 2: pop off, when you engage, when he gets you riled up,
Speaker 2: he has officially plugged in and now you're fucked. If
Speaker 2: it's not when you read his messages and he wants
Speaker 2: to call you a liar or you're causing problems, only
Speaker 2: acknowledge the things that are absolutely necessary. It's not your
Speaker 2: job to go back to I'm not a liar, I'm
Speaker 2: not just trying to cause problems. Stick to the facts
Speaker 2: about the child and leave the insults alone. Don't take
Speaker 2: them personally this person, and it's easier said than done.
Speaker 2: Like I remember, my entire household, including my mom and brother,
Speaker 2: were heavily affected when we were at the height of
Speaker 2: the custody situation. So the way that you conquer the
Speaker 2: peace is really being able to look at messages or
Speaker 2: communication with him and try to hone in on the
Speaker 2: things that actually matter, right, because I remember going back
Speaker 2: and forth on ofw just insanely and it was just
Speaker 2: such a fucking waste of time. I would have a
Speaker 2: more productive conversation with a brick wall. So leaving it
Speaker 2: just very simple, don't give him a lot, because again,
Speaker 2: you don't want him to be able to plug into you.
Speaker 2: With the girlfriend's situation. Oh, you're gonna.
Speaker 1: Remember this mom.
Speaker 2: When Ocean was little, she had really bad ezema and
Speaker 2: we were taking her off of like formula and things
Speaker 2: like that and implementing the whole milk. And I had
Speaker 2: sent him an ofw letting him know, like what we
Speaker 2: use at our house and what's best for her skin
Speaker 2: and all of these things. Well, the nanny reaches out
Speaker 2: to me and says that the new girlfriend had put
Speaker 2: together a grocery list, and she said that Ocean's skin
Speaker 2: needs to get used to other detergents and that she'll
Speaker 2: be fine drinking you know whatever other milk. She was
Speaker 2: basically saying, Ocean doesn't need those things, like this is
Speaker 2: what we're having and Ocean will get used to it.
Speaker 1: Ocean was very little when the nanny told me this.
Speaker 1: I did go buck wild, but I think you have.
Speaker 2: To really lay down the law of this is what
Speaker 2: is expected. When my child is over there, she is
Speaker 2: communicating with me, we have open dialogue. If I hear
Speaker 2: that she is being mistreated, I will have to take
Speaker 2: a different route and try to make it not threatening,
Speaker 2: because if you go to court, you don't want to threaten.
Speaker 2: I mean, I've learned a lot since the beginning of
Speaker 2: my custody situation, but really, chat GBT can to definitely
Speaker 2: help you out, Like this is what I want to say.
Speaker 2: Put it in legal terms, and just make sure that
Speaker 2: you continue having open dialogue and letting your child.
Speaker 1: Know that like you're safe at this house.
Speaker 2: She's gonna get older and kids clock when someone's trying
Speaker 2: to buy their love, like you don't have to tell
Speaker 2: them their love is being bought. They learn the difference
Speaker 2: between someone spending time with them and being nice and
Speaker 2: someone buying them shit and disappearing.
Speaker 1: She's going to get used to that.
Speaker 2: So when I was dealing at the very beginning with
Speaker 2: all of this, my I really leaned deep into my
Speaker 2: faith because I knew that what was going on was
Speaker 2: way bigger than me. And once you realize you don't
Speaker 2: have control over something, it is very freeing because just
Speaker 2: people by nature, especially when it comes to the most
Speaker 2: vulnerable piece of you, which is your heart also known
Speaker 2: as your children, are involved, it's hard to not have
Speaker 2: full control. So I would say the Serenity prayer over
Speaker 2: and over and over again, and I would as I
Speaker 2: would say it, which for those of you who don't
Speaker 2: know what it is, it's God, grant me the serenity
Speaker 2: to accept the things I cannot change. And then I
Speaker 2: would list the things I couldn't change, the courage to
Speaker 2: change the things I can what I can change, I
Speaker 2: would list them off, and the wisdom to know the difference,
Speaker 2: what is the difference between the two, and I would
Speaker 2: just loop on that over and over again. Then I
Speaker 2: would take sage and listen to this song by Lauren Daegel,
Speaker 2: which is trust in You, and it would talk about
Speaker 2: when you're not moving the mountain, that I need you
Speaker 2: to move, when you won't part the waters, and basically
Speaker 2: saying like I'm going to trust in your plan.
Speaker 1: So I would do that.
Speaker 2: I staged and then I light my Palo Santo and
Speaker 2: I would do it in the apartment bathroom and I
Speaker 2: would be sobbing during the Laurendego one, and then I'd
Speaker 2: turn on Break My Soul by Beyonce and Palo Santo.
Speaker 1: And I'm just look in the mirror and aren't.
Speaker 4: You will not bring my.
Speaker 3: Can?
Speaker 5: I also bring up one song that I feel like
Speaker 5: gave you a shitload of power.
Speaker 4: What one?
Speaker 5: I think it's Taylor Swift, but it's strong enough to
Speaker 5: kill a man. That when you were going through your
Speaker 5: worst times. I remember being in the range Rover. That's
Speaker 5: how long ago this was, yeah, and you turning that
Speaker 5: on and I would see a change in your demeanor
Speaker 5: like you felt like you were you were on your back,
Speaker 5: and right when that song came on, you would just
Speaker 5: see you. You would even like get up in the
Speaker 5: car and lean forward. I was like, Oh, this bitch
Speaker 5: is up, she's ready to fight that. So that song,
Speaker 5: I will say, just for me, turned you around to
Speaker 5: cat ice, sharp enough to kill a man. Whatever that
Speaker 5: one is that I feel like turned you into a beast.
Speaker 1: Oh and then when they talk about the egg wife.
Speaker 4: That you're thickest thieves.
Speaker 2: Now the thieves, she looks so pretty, Oh so good.
Speaker 4: No, I remember that really being a turnaround song for you.
Speaker 2: Yes, I think having a really good, like nighttime routine
Speaker 2: and before you go to bed, I highly recommend too
Speaker 2: magnesium to Hilarian root, baby yourself, give yourself a facial.
Speaker 2: Remember this is not your forever. Remember that you are powerful.
Speaker 2: And I know that this sounds so cheesy and so corny,
Speaker 2: but I would have to sit and look at myself
Speaker 2: in the mirror and watch myself sobbing and looking so
Speaker 2: broken and then having to say, now it's time to
Speaker 2: like put your fucking war paint on, because you're not
Speaker 2: gonna to take me out when it comes to my.
Speaker 1: Babies, like I will fuck your shit out.
Speaker 2: And you have to get into that mindset and find
Speaker 2: your good song, say that serenity, prayer, find whatever higher power.
Speaker 2: I don't care if it's a tree outside, you find
Speaker 2: it and you go. You're gonna be my saving grace
Speaker 2: when I'm feeling weak, I'm gonna need you to take
Speaker 2: over and be there to support me. And it changes
Speaker 2: everything I'm telling you without and I would recommend on
Speaker 2: hard days, don't drink. I'm not telling anyone to get sober.
Speaker 2: You're having a hard time and you're like, I need
Speaker 2: a cocktail. It makes everything so much worse. It heightens
Speaker 2: every emotion and then the next day get ready to
Speaker 2: want to drive your car off a cliff.
Speaker 4: YEA highly recommend.
Speaker 2: On the days that are good, crack open the wine,
Speaker 2: have a good time.
Speaker 5: The bad days alcohol, yes, get the placebo if you need.
Speaker 1: That is my advice.
Speaker 2: I think remembering nothing is forever. The bad times pass,
Speaker 2: but the good times also passed. So when you have
Speaker 2: the good days, I just relish in them and be grateful.
Speaker 1: Practice gratitude.
Speaker 2: When when you're in the gutter and you're like I am,
Speaker 2: at my wits end, try to think of the things
Speaker 2: that are going right in your life. And I think
Speaker 2: the biggest one is focusing on health with everything that
Speaker 2: my mom's been going through.
Speaker 1: Knowing that when everyone around you is healthy, you have
Speaker 1: life by the balls. Everything else is going to work
Speaker 1: itself out.
Speaker 2: And then I think the most one of the most
Speaker 2: important things too is finding your support system. I was
Speaker 2: fortunate enough to have my mom quit her job, leave
Speaker 2: her whole life behind, move out to be with me
Speaker 2: and watch ocean while also getting me on my feet
Speaker 2: and finding my new normal, which I love you for that, Mom.
Speaker 2: And then Easton followed shortly after, and I just had
Speaker 2: like I had my pod. That's for those of you
Speaker 2: who haven't watched vander Pump Rules, like my pod. I
Speaker 2: think of us as like orcas. No one leaves the pod,
Speaker 2: you just add to the pod. So if you don't
Speaker 2: have the luxury of being near family, find your close
Speaker 2: circle who you're safe with, and you can just pass
Speaker 2: the rock to. Because you guys saved me in so
Speaker 2: many of those moments.
Speaker 4: We're happy we could be available and do that. You
Speaker 4: were very strong. I hope you know that.
Speaker 1: I felt like I was on autopilot. I didn't even
Speaker 1: know how I was getting anything done.
Speaker 4: The autopilot. Hey, whatever you gotta do to get through
Speaker 4: I don't fucking care. Yeah you did it.
Speaker 2: I season for everybody else in the same thing, if
Speaker 2: you've got a fucking I like autopilot.
Speaker 4: Like, as long as you get through it, there's no
Speaker 4: right or wrong way.
Speaker 1: I agree with you get through it.
Speaker 3: Ye.
Speaker 1: Season ten of vander Pump Rules.
Speaker 2: I think I'm so fond of it because I feel
Speaker 2: like it quite literally saved my soul. Like I was
Speaker 2: in such a dark place and it gave me a
Speaker 2: sense of normalcy and somewhere to be and somewhere where
Speaker 2: I could share my feelings and what I was going
Speaker 2: through and my disdain for somebody, and I felt very
Speaker 2: heard and.
Speaker 1: Just filming all of that season.
Speaker 5: No, what a beautiful thing to feel like you can
Speaker 5: do that, Like they made you feel.
Speaker 1: Comfortable, Yeah, I felt like going home.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's beautiful.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then it was a place where other people were
Speaker 1: going through a lot too, so you it took you
Speaker 1: away from it took you out of self and made
Speaker 1: you focus on other people's hard times, and that articipate
Speaker 1: in that conversation.
Speaker 5: That also being said, Yeah, taking yourself out of self
Speaker 5: is like a huge thing that that you know, sobriety
Speaker 5: and AA has brought me because there's times where like
Speaker 5: I am thinking about myself, I'll make a call to
Speaker 5: not even my sponsor, just to somebody in the like community,
Speaker 5: and I'll just be like, how are you, and then
Speaker 5: they tell me like little things that have happened to them,
Speaker 5: and then I'm out of self and then by the
Speaker 5: time you hang up, you're like, I was worried.
Speaker 4: About my shit, okay, And it just helps. Yeah.
Speaker 2: I love that saying so much. My mom just said,
Speaker 2: when you lose yourself, you find yourself. You told me
Speaker 2: that at a really young age and that always stuck
Speaker 2: with me.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna start running with that one. I'm gonna lose
Speaker 5: everything I know, I'll find it.
Speaker 2: And you're just gonna find who you are. But it
Speaker 2: does I mean custody and co parenting situations. I think
Speaker 2: it's one of the most difficult because your children are
Speaker 2: at play and you have zero control. And then when
Speaker 2: you enter the family court system. That's why I try
Speaker 2: to tell people this when they think, think you go
Speaker 2: into that system and everything's just based off of logic,
Speaker 2: I'm like, you need to wake up very quickly because
Speaker 2: it is scary in there and very cruel. And if
Speaker 2: you don't come correct with zero, you have to disassociate
Speaker 2: and disconnect from your own child. You have to go
Speaker 2: in there and talk about them like your heart is
Speaker 2: not involved at all, or else you're looked at as
Speaker 2: scorned and unhinged and emotional and you're slapped on the
Speaker 2: wrist if you if you care in that way, in
Speaker 2: an emotional because you're supposed to care for your child
Speaker 2: in those ways.
Speaker 5: Yeah, and then you when you get into court, you can't. Okay, Yeah,
Speaker 5: but it's and it's true, Like I've seen you go
Speaker 5: through it and it is. So it's like the parent
Speaker 5: that you're supposed to be you are penalized for in court.
Speaker 2: M Yeah, you have to be very careful about what
Speaker 2: you say and how you say it. And I also
Speaker 2: it's a tough pill to swallow when you think there's
Speaker 2: some person sitting in a chair that's going to decide
Speaker 2: what is best for your child when they don't even
Speaker 2: know what their face looks like, they don't even know
Speaker 2: their name, you're a case.
Speaker 1: No, not only that best for my child.
Speaker 4: They don't know you, they don't know the dad, they
Speaker 4: don't know anything.
Speaker 5: They're literally seeing what's in front of them and making
Speaker 5: a hard guess. And to me, that needs to be changed. Yeah,
Speaker 5: we have what isn't it CP CPS. Yeah, it's like, okay,
Speaker 5: if we're going into the family court, why can't we
Speaker 5: have CPS coming and dissecting each home and physically seeing
Speaker 5: what is best for the kid because.
Speaker 2: There's so many people, and I learned in family court
Speaker 2: unless there is blood on the ground, I'm like, so
Speaker 2: we're not trying to prevent anything.
Speaker 1: No, you want to catch after it's done.
Speaker 4: Trauma. It's a really fucked.
Speaker 2: Up system, and you have to be strategic and people
Speaker 2: have to be knowledgeable. And I tell people all the time,
Speaker 2: you got to be and I am a broken record,
Speaker 2: but you have to be so careful about how you
Speaker 2: who you have children with.
Speaker 1: I wasn't willing to take the risk.
Speaker 2: Again.
Speaker 1: I was way too fucking scared.
Speaker 4: Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And then there are days with Sosa I'm like, what,
Speaker 1: I would go to hobo? Someone else is WEAKOD, so
Speaker 1: you're still here.
Speaker 4: I would.
Speaker 1: I'm just joking. But she's a lot.
Speaker 4: Color on the she colored on a lot of stuff.
Speaker 2: Oh, I learned what moss means more. Yeah, I don't
Speaker 2: know any Spanish and I didn't know it. Isn't that
Speaker 2: a little more piquito moss? Yeah? Yeah, okay, but my
Speaker 2: kids love speaking Spanish and Sosa primarily speak Spanish.
Speaker 1: As me, and I'm like, I don't know.
Speaker 2: What that is, Mama mess And I'm like, oh, more,
Speaker 2: she's more, mom, mama, more, this is hands right.
Speaker 4: More for.
Speaker 2: Well, Cynthia's consent, but I think for Ocean or Sosa's
Speaker 2: second birthday, I'm gonna have it themed Miss Lisa because
Speaker 2: my daughter Sosa squeals. For those of you who don't
Speaker 2: know who Miss Lisa is, it's freaking beautiful. My child
Speaker 2: when she comes on the TV is the happiest.
Speaker 4: She was like this and before because he goes like yeah,
Speaker 4: and then he goes deep dery dee deep deity, and
Speaker 4: she yeah, goes like this.
Speaker 5: She can't wait, and then she look at you and
Speaker 5: go Issa.
Speaker 2: In Spanish and English, she counts to five. In Spanish,
Speaker 2: she sings about how the cow goes moo.
Speaker 4: In Spanish, she points to her head and it.
Speaker 2: Says she knows all of her body parts. In English
Speaker 2: and Spanish, I'm like so proud. I'm so proud.
Speaker 5: I'm so proud that I might start learning. No, I
Speaker 5: have to I have to do a lingo.
Speaker 4: Here we come.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's over your head. You you shoot yourself in
Speaker 1: the foot before you even try anything. It's crazy.
Speaker 2: I'm just realizing that, yeah, you anything that's hard.
Speaker 1: You're like, I can't do it.
Speaker 4: You can't.
Speaker 1: Your parents needed to push you more.
Speaker 4: It's not told.
Speaker 1: Me if I don't like it, quit, Can I tell.
Speaker 5: You this your This is This is how I know
Speaker 5: that she doesn't like it, because even in room mom,
Speaker 5: she would need somebody else, because she would always go,
Speaker 5: I just can't do it alone, and it's like, no,
Speaker 5: you can't. Why as a room mom, do you know
Speaker 5: how you succeed.
Speaker 1: Failure to decorate the doors? Oh, it wouldn't have looked
Speaker 1: like h G t V door.
Speaker 5: So Mom was just taking all the credit while Kristen
Speaker 5: did the whole door.
Speaker 2: Your uh, mid year resolution should be I can do
Speaker 2: hard things.
Speaker 1: You need to start saying that I do it. You
Speaker 1: do it.
Speaker 5: Yeah, peanut, Butter, I do it.
Speaker 1: I do it.
Speaker 2: Tying your shoe, I do it.
Speaker 4: She did do it. I did it.
Speaker 2: She was opening her Perry a Ken when I walked
Speaker 2: in the door and she looks at me like this,
Speaker 2: and I was like, you can do it.
Speaker 4: I know she's going to give it.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not opening.
Speaker 4: That can for you, Lisa. No one's watching you.
Speaker 1: It always feels like somebody. It shouldn't be.
Speaker 2: I almost killed Lisa at the airport yesterday. Let me
Speaker 2: tell you something, Mom, it's going to be hard to hear.
Speaker 2: You're not that important. You're important to us. No one's
Speaker 2: watching you. They're all worried about what they're doing. That's
Speaker 2: what I tell myself talking to everybody, just to let
Speaker 2: you know. Everybody is their own main character in their story.
Speaker 2: No one gives a shit about what you're doing, what
Speaker 2: I'm doing, and I have to constantly tell myself, like
Speaker 2: I'm walking and people are looking at me, and I'm like,
Speaker 2: they're really not even looking at me. They just then
Speaker 2: guess what they'll go and look at the next person.
Speaker 2: Like when I'm belting on the freeway, I'm like, people
Speaker 2: are probably watching. I'm like, people are trying not to
Speaker 2: crash on the freeway.
Speaker 3: Law.
Speaker 4: No, I know, when's the last time you're looking in
Speaker 4: for you? Never? I'm just driving.
Speaker 1: Ever, no one's watching you, Mama, you do you boo.
Speaker 2: Thank you guys for listening to the bonus episode of
Speaker 2: Untraditionally La La. I'm going to catch you on Tuesday
Speaker 2: for my new podcast with Sally Carson called Sex Unlocked,
Speaker 2: Don't Listen with your Children, Wednesday for a regular old
Speaker 2: episode of Untraditionally Lala, and Thursdays at nine pm an
Speaker 2: Unlikely Affair with Myself and Amber Children.
Speaker 4: Don't Listen with your children or any of these Yeah,
Speaker 4: probably not right.
Speaker 1: Love you guys.
Speaker 2: Bye,