Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we dive
Speaker 1: into the Psychology of our twenties. I have a super
Speaker 1: fascinating topic for you all today, one that has been
Speaker 1: on my mind quite a lot recently and on my
Speaker 1: list for some time as well, but I've never really
Speaker 1: gotten around to talking about it until now. Today is
Speaker 1: the day we are going to be talking about that
Speaker 1: kind of sickening feeling of retroactive jealous Feeling jealous over
Speaker 1: your partner's past, the people they used to date, the
Speaker 1: sex they had before you, the love they've felt with
Speaker 1: other people, Feeling like their past has some impact, some
Speaker 1: influence on your current or your future together. This kind
Speaker 1: of jealousy feels like a reaction that neither of you
Speaker 1: can control because it's about something that your person, your partner,
Speaker 1: can't undo. You also can't undo it the past is
Speaker 1: the past, and before they met you. It's this weird
Speaker 1: reality where how could they have predicted that they would
Speaker 1: end up in this relationship and not the one that
Speaker 1: they had before. I think that retroactive jealousy is particularly
Speaker 1: fascinating because normally jealousy occurs in response to present day
Speaker 1: actions or feeling threatened by a current relationship, current words,
Speaker 1: current behaviors. But with retroactive jealousy, the actions that you
Speaker 1: are concerned about normally occurred before they even knew you existed.
Speaker 1: So it's really confusing. And our rational brain normally understands
Speaker 1: how logical it is to hold our partners past over them,
Speaker 1: but there is this emotional and I would say vulnerable,
Speaker 1: often insecure part about ourselves that can't help it. It's
Speaker 1: a compulsion. It's this unconscious feeling and fear that maybe
Speaker 1: what they had before is better than what they have now.
Speaker 1: They know it, they're aware, but you don't. They're having
Speaker 1: all these private thoughts that you can never fully understand,
Speaker 1: and that sense that there are secrets or there is
Speaker 1: something you can't control on your relationship results in a
Speaker 1: lot of unhealthy behaviors. You know, comparison compulsive snooping, especially
Speaker 1: online on social media, picking fights, sabotaging the relationship, sarcasm,
Speaker 1: wanting your partner to constantly prove themselves again and again
Speaker 1: and again that they want you, that the past doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: when in reality it is still a part of who
Speaker 1: they are. We have to accept that everything we may
Speaker 1: feel jealous of is actually what has brought us together.
Speaker 1: How could you be where you are right now without
Speaker 1: all those things having happened, And in a sense, you
Speaker 1: have those past relationships to be grateful for, But because
Speaker 1: you are so appreciative of the love you have currently
Speaker 1: and you believe it's so worth protecting, we don't see
Speaker 1: that for what it is. It's definitely a labyrinth at times,
Speaker 1: and it's really hard to navigate because a secondary component
Speaker 1: of this is that we feel a lot of shame,
Speaker 1: and when we experience shame, this really causes us to
Speaker 1: suppress the emotion when we surprise. We know this time
Speaker 1: and time again. Avoidance means that this emotion, this feeling,
Speaker 1: is only going to come back with a vengeance because
Speaker 1: you haven't properly processed it. So let's talk about how
Speaker 1: you can actually process your retroactive jealousy today, why it occurs,
Speaker 1: understand its origins, and what we can do about it
Speaker 1: before it ends up perhaps undermining or destroying something really
Speaker 1: really precious and really really good. To begin, retroactive jealousy
Speaker 1: occurs when we feel threatened by our partner's past romantic relationships.
Speaker 1: Now that threat doesn't have to be real. This can
Speaker 1: be for no reason at all, which I think is
Speaker 1: actually the most common instance where this occurs. There can
Speaker 1: be times where this jealousy is triggered by something like
Speaker 1: an ex reaching back out, or some comment or action
Speaker 1: by your partner that makes you believe they're not fully
Speaker 1: over this person in the past. But most of the time,
Speaker 1: I would say the source of our jealousy is internal.
Speaker 1: It has to do with an internal cue, or an
Speaker 1: internal fear, or an internal insecurity that we haven't quite
Speaker 1: yet expressed or aren't ready to really think about. There
Speaker 1: are times when you deserve to be jealous, and I
Speaker 1: think there are times when you deserve to not just
Speaker 1: be jealous, but angry if your partner does do something
Speaker 1: to betray your trust. But when it comes to retroactive jealousy,
Speaker 1: that's not really what we're talking about, because the things
Speaker 1: that we are struggling with. The things that we feel
Speaker 1: negative emotions towards are things that are so far in
Speaker 1: the past that it doesn't it is not entirely fair
Speaker 1: to blame your partner. Jealousy is a painful emotion, though,
Speaker 1: and most of us hate to admit that we've ever
Speaker 1: felt it because in many ways, I think we conflate
Speaker 1: jealousy with possessiveness, and we don't want this other person
Speaker 1: to feel like we are trying to control them, or
Speaker 1: that we don't trust them, you know. I think that
Speaker 1: that's the really difficult thing is because jealousy, although it's natural,
Speaker 1: is also very villainized, and it also normally triggers a
Speaker 1: lot of secondary emotions that we are taught to feel
Speaker 1: a lot of shame towards to really keep under wraps,
Speaker 1: things like rage, insecurity, self doubt, embarrassment, and so when
Speaker 1: we don't have a healthy way of understanding those emotions,
Speaker 1: it can lead us to project a lot of that
Speaker 1: anger and insecurity onto our partner, which they probably don't deserve.
Speaker 1: I think it's so interesting to think of how many
Speaker 1: relationships could have been saved if people had just had
Speaker 1: an open conversation about how they were feeling, if they
Speaker 1: had just been honest about the emotions and the reactions
Speaker 1: that so many people had told them to be embarrassed about,
Speaker 1: and because they feel so embarrassed about them, they therefore
Speaker 1: have no other option other than to come out in
Speaker 1: other ways that society sometimes says is more acceptable, or
Speaker 1: society says is less possessive or less crazy, when actually
Speaker 1: the main emotion here, this jealousy, is never addressed and
Speaker 1: will continue to carry on into other relationships. It's not
Speaker 1: about the person you're dating. It's about the feeling that
Speaker 1: you don't have a good grasp on. So some of
Speaker 1: the key signs that you're experiencing retroactive jealousy are as follows.
Speaker 1: You ruminate and repeatedly think about your partner's x or
Speaker 1: past relationships, and you feel incredibly envious when they talk
Speaker 1: about it. You either don't want to talk about it,
Speaker 1: you don't want to hear a thing, even if it's
Speaker 1: an important part of their past, or alternatively, you might
Speaker 1: frequently ask a lot of intrusive questions about what the
Speaker 1: sex was like when they said they loved each other
Speaker 1: for the first time, details of every single element of
Speaker 1: their relationship because you feel like if you know this
Speaker 1: stuff it's going to be comforting, that it's actually going
Speaker 1: to make that feeling a lot worse. You also might
Speaker 1: continuously compare yourself to their past partners, both physically but
Speaker 1: then also in terms of emotionally as well, and thinking
Speaker 1: what did this person get of them that maybe I can't.
Speaker 1: You wonder what they feel like they're missing, even if
Speaker 1: they've given you no indication that they are feeling this way.
Speaker 1: You doubt your partner. You begin to fill in what
Speaker 1: they're saying with your own version of the truth, a
Speaker 1: version of the truth that is based on your own security,
Speaker 1: that is based on your kind of negative impression of
Speaker 1: past events when it might actually not have been that
Speaker 1: way at all. Right, And additionally, you lash out as
Speaker 1: a way to look for reassurance if you start fights
Speaker 1: and if you are accusatory. Sometimes we have this false
Speaker 1: belief that how our partner reacts in response is going
Speaker 1: to make us feel better. Either they will reaffirm your
Speaker 1: beliefs or disprove them, and therefore it acts as its
Speaker 1: own form of reassurance. Right. You know, fights always have
Speaker 1: to have either the always have a conclusion. Right, Either
Speaker 1: you end the relationship, you break up, or your partner
Speaker 1: says enough to you, says something to you that's going
Speaker 1: to make you feel better. Both of those offer a
Speaker 1: conclusion to your jealousy in the moment that you may
Speaker 1: not have been getting elsewhere. You might also find that
Speaker 1: you experience a decline in your self confidence as a result,
Speaker 1: which we never want to see that because when you
Speaker 1: don't feel full yourself with your partner, your connection is
Speaker 1: going to suffer. You know, they had a history before you.
Speaker 1: As unfortunate as it is, we don't all immediately find
Speaker 1: the one on our first tribe, but I'm sure that
Speaker 1: you also had a history. You also had a past
Speaker 1: before them, and all of those past relationships that you
Speaker 1: had obviously ended for a reason, and that is the
Speaker 1: same for them. They are with you for a reason.
Speaker 1: You have to trust that being with you is what
Speaker 1: they see is the best thing for them, the same
Speaker 1: way you feel about that, the same way that you
Speaker 1: wouldn't be in this relationship is if it wasn't good,
Speaker 1: if you didn't value it. You have to trust that
Speaker 1: your partner is able to make the best decision for
Speaker 1: them the same way that you make the best decisions
Speaker 1: for you. Like I said before, it's hard not to
Speaker 1: let retroactive jealousy get in the way because it does
Speaker 1: bring a lot of associated shame. And as humans, we're
Speaker 1: also very protective of our hearts. Love is a very
Speaker 1: delicate emotion. It's a very special thing, and it's very rare,
Speaker 1: and so we naturally have an instinctive reaction to be
Speaker 1: quite defensive and vigilant to outside threats that might jeopardize
Speaker 1: this valuable thing. And truly I get it, but it's
Speaker 1: also really valuable to understand where that comes from. So
Speaker 1: we're going to talk through four explanations here, past trauma
Speaker 1: and relationship experiences, overthinking insecurity including rejection, sensitivity, and finally
Speaker 1: self sabotage. Those are the main reasons, all the main
Speaker 1: factors that contribute to frequent retroactive jealousy. I also wanted
Speaker 1: to spell the idea that if you struggle with feeling
Speaker 1: jealous about your partner's past, you are somehow toxic or
Speaker 1: possessive or a bad person, because although I do think
Speaker 1: that jealousy can reach a very noxious point, I would
Speaker 1: say that the majority of people are not like this.
Speaker 1: They are just managing a complex interaction between their anxiety, insecurity, vulnerability,
Speaker 1: and a host of other factors, and they never act
Speaker 1: on it in a way that is meant to harm
Speaker 1: who they are with. They are just confused by emotions
Speaker 1: that they may not have felt before and are looking
Speaker 1: for reassurance. So let's talk about where retroactive jealousy comes from.
Speaker 1: We're going to start by looking into past relationship trauma.
Speaker 1: If you have been hurt in the past by a
Speaker 1: previous partner, perhaps cheating, whether that was emotional or physical,
Speaker 1: maybe not respecting your boundaries when it came to their
Speaker 1: communication with an x, or being unfaithful in some way,
Speaker 1: it's hard to not bring this previous experience into your
Speaker 1: new relationship is a very fragile thing, and once broken,
Speaker 1: it's very hard to repair. And that doesn't always just
Speaker 1: apply to the relationship in which the betrayal of trust occurred.
Speaker 1: Those wounds carry on with us and they can become
Speaker 1: apparent in our future relationships. That is because those experiences have,
Speaker 1: in a way unconsciously taught us something about what it
Speaker 1: means to be loved and what it means to be
Speaker 1: in love. Even if those lessons are an anomaly or
Speaker 1: aren't correct. Our brain is taking on this past information
Speaker 1: as a way to help teach it what to do
Speaker 1: in future instances like this to avoid being hurt. That
Speaker 1: is especially the case when those experiences are very emotionally
Speaker 1: salient or painful, if you have been cheated on, if
Speaker 1: it was happening for months behind your back, our brain
Speaker 1: pays more attention to the content of these memories to
Speaker 1: avoid a similar pain from occurring in the future. And
Speaker 1: what this creates is a type of hypervigilance in which
Speaker 1: you are constantly on alert for any cues or suggestions
Speaker 1: or indications that you can be hurt again. So in psychology,
Speaker 1: hypervigilance is basically just being more attuned to information in
Speaker 1: our environment that might confirm our fears, and it's often
Speaker 1: a sign of a dysregulated nervous system, but also traumatic
Speaker 1: events in the past or in severe cases PTSD, and
Speaker 1: it causes us to interpret the information that we're being
Speaker 1: given in a different way, in a way that it
Speaker 1: wants us to be able to almost predict a threat.
Speaker 1: So when your new partner does something that anyone else
Speaker 1: would say you're supernormal, like take a phone call outside
Speaker 1: or text on their phone on the other side of
Speaker 1: the room or recount some story of an x. You
Speaker 1: apply a different meaning to their actions and you interpret
Speaker 1: that something must be wrong, that you have a reason
Speaker 1: to feel jealous. You can't find a present day reason
Speaker 1: for this, you might look to their past for an explanation,
Speaker 1: and what emerges is retroactive jealousy. It's important to note
Speaker 1: here that your mind is just trying to protect you.
Speaker 1: It's trying to do what it does best, which is
Speaker 1: to avoid pain, both the physical and the emotional type.
Speaker 1: But sometimes it also jumps to conclusions with limited information,
Speaker 1: and a lot of that processing of information is based
Speaker 1: on biases and distortions that you have developed from past experiences.
Speaker 1: So cognitive biases are essentially a way in which we
Speaker 1: process information based on how we've learnt things in the past.
Speaker 1: So it is, honestly, it's like an abnormal way of
Speaker 1: seeing things that isn't based in reality. So the particular
Speaker 1: bias that we're thinking of heroes known as selective perception bias,
Speaker 1: whereby expectations determine what we actually end up seeing and
Speaker 1: what we tend to miss, is all the other information
Speaker 1: that is telling us we have nothing to worry about
Speaker 1: we don't always think about the reassurance, all the moments
Speaker 1: that our partner has told us that they do love us,
Speaker 1: that they want to be with us, the little things
Speaker 1: they do for us. Instead, the focus remains on the past,
Speaker 1: because that is where we see the danger as being.
Speaker 1: That is where we see there being perhaps a threat
Speaker 1: to our relationship. And it's important to remember that a
Speaker 1: lot of this anxiety and worry is irrational and also
Speaker 1: just a natural reaction to uncertainty and putting yourself in
Speaker 1: a position where you know you could get hurt. That's
Speaker 1: really what it is at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: Like love provides a lot of opportunity to get seriously heartbroken,
Speaker 1: and that is something that none of us are going
Speaker 1: to opt into, none of us want to feel. And
Speaker 1: so all of that, these thoughts, all of this jealousy
Speaker 1: is really just a way for you to ensure that
Speaker 1: you could predict if that was going to happen, and
Speaker 1: to be on the lookout for any signs of danger
Speaker 1: to your relationship. I think the part of love, however,
Speaker 1: is that you just have to trust this other person
Speaker 1: won't do that, and trusting them also deepens the bond
Speaker 1: in many ways. So the second major reason that we
Speaker 1: tend to experience retroactive jealousy is related to overthinking. A
Speaker 1: lot of individuals who are naturally very anxious also have
Speaker 1: the tendency to overthink and ruminate on things beyond their control,
Speaker 1: because the very act of thinking about these things repetitively
Speaker 1: brings about a sense of false security. If we can
Speaker 1: imagine every possible situation, everything our partner is not telling
Speaker 1: us every way we might not be as good as
Speaker 1: the ex every way that they might want more, we
Speaker 1: can prepare ourselves for when those fears inevitably are proven true,
Speaker 1: even though we know that they probably never will. That's
Speaker 1: not the point, right We don't actually want the thoughts
Speaker 1: and the fears to come true, but we just want
Speaker 1: to be prepared just in case they do. Overthinking really
Speaker 1: plays a big part in the obsessive nature of retroactive jealousy,
Speaker 1: because there will never be a conclusion or an answer
Speaker 1: that is going to satisfy us whilst we are in
Speaker 1: that thought spiral, because as soon as one door closes,
Speaker 1: another one will open. That is the nature of overthinking. Normally,
Speaker 1: I would say in someone's brain, what might occur is
Speaker 1: that a thought pops into your head one of the millions,
Speaker 1: perhaps billions of thoughts that we have in a day,
Speaker 1: But this one feels really scary because it's about someone
Speaker 1: that you care about. It may be a thought like
Speaker 1: does my boyfriend find me as attractive as his ex? Now,
Speaker 1: most people can dismiss this thought and realize that it's
Speaker 1: fear based and irrational and just be like, yeah, of
Speaker 1: course he does, and even if he doesn't, that's not
Speaker 1: my problem. Like whatever, it's okay. I know that we're
Speaker 1: in love. I know that we're okay. But if you
Speaker 1: are a natural overthinker, any thought of this kind that
Speaker 1: has that emotional magnitude behind it requires close examination because
Speaker 1: you aren't comfortable unless you know for a fact that
Speaker 1: it's untrue, So you obsess on it, you let it simmer,
Speaker 1: which causes the thought spiral to continue. What you're really
Speaker 1: struggling with is the uncertainty. There is so much about
Speaker 1: a relationship that you can't control. You can't control someone's
Speaker 1: private thoughts, you can't control their feelings, and you definitely
Speaker 1: can't control their past. This acknowledgment breeds a lot of insecurity,
Speaker 1: a lot of instability, and it can also culminate in
Speaker 1: something that we call retroactive OCDA, a type of honestly
Speaker 1: obsessive compulsive disorder that involves becoming super overwhelmed by intrusive
Speaker 1: thoughts of a partner's past, such that we can't even
Speaker 1: control their frequency, their quantity, their intensity. We don't want
Speaker 1: to feel this way, and the more you struggle against it,
Speaker 1: the louder some of those thoughts become, because they gain
Speaker 1: a lot more power over you. It may also have
Speaker 1: to do with a level of personal insecurity, perhaps insecurity
Speaker 1: about your value as a partner, your attractiveness, your intelligence,
Speaker 1: your past sexual experience. I see this a lot with
Speaker 1: partners where one partner has had more sexual partners than
Speaker 1: the other. It feels like because they have more comparison points,
Speaker 1: because maybe they've had more casual sex, they've had more experience, whatever,
Speaker 1: it may be that this other person can't live up
Speaker 1: to what they had in the past, and therefore they
Speaker 1: can't be the best. So they'll always this other person
Speaker 1: will always want something more than them, they'll want something better,
Speaker 1: and that is what really breeds this jealousy. Now, this
Speaker 1: is entirely untrue. What's actually happening here is that we
Speaker 1: are experiencing a deflation in ourselves based on something someone
Speaker 1: else can't even control, i e. A past event, and
Speaker 1: we are using that event. We're using our partner's past
Speaker 1: as almost a projection of how we're feeling deep inside,
Speaker 1: which is that we're not feeling amazing. We're searching for
Speaker 1: a reason why we're not feeling amazing, and when it
Speaker 1: comes to our partners X, that feels like the perfect
Speaker 1: point to diffuse all of our insecurity. A study published
Speaker 1: by the American Psychological Association actually found a pretty significant
Speaker 1: link between jealousy and low self esteem, especially when it
Speaker 1: comes to sexual jealousy. Here's the thing. I don't think
Speaker 1: that you should be ashamed of your insecurities because you
Speaker 1: really didn't have a choice in the matter. There is
Speaker 1: not a single person who would choose to feel less
Speaker 1: than or who would choose to be inadequate when given
Speaker 1: the choice. But although you don't have control over how
Speaker 1: your insecurity has come to be your origin story, you
Speaker 1: do have a choice on how you use to communicate
Speaker 1: your insecurity to your partner. Is that through sarcasm or
Speaker 1: picking fights or this silent treatment, or is it about
Speaker 1: doing what is objectively harder, but better overall, which is
Speaker 1: being honest with them, letting them see this part of you,
Speaker 1: this fragile element of you that is causing a lot
Speaker 1: of that anger and sadness over the past. When this
Speaker 1: insecurity is left unchecked, it can also reveal itself through
Speaker 1: self sabotage. When we don't feel good enough, it's going
Speaker 1: to unconsciously inform how we choose to act, manifesting in
Speaker 1: behaviors that we know will push our partner away, like
Speaker 1: invading their privacy, like picking fights, like continuously coming back
Speaker 1: to this intrusive thought. We know what will come of
Speaker 1: those behaviors. The outcome is predictable. They will probably leave us,
Speaker 1: the relationship will break down, but at least in some
Speaker 1: strange way you had to saying it. It feels like
Speaker 1: you're bringing the control back to you by pushing them away,
Speaker 1: rather than waiting for them to walk away based on
Speaker 1: something that you can't predict, like past feelings about NX
Speaker 1: or a relationship or whatever it is. You just truly
Speaker 1: are trying to sabotage the relationship as a way to
Speaker 1: not be blindsided when you believe it will inevitably come
Speaker 1: to an end. Self sabotage has its origins and that
Speaker 1: insecurity we were speaking about before, and it's a coping
Speaker 1: mechanism we use to bring about a sense of agency
Speaker 1: in situations where we don't feel a lot of agency
Speaker 1: or security, but also to manage stressful situations and past trauma.
Speaker 1: So it does go hand in hand with retroactive jealousy
Speaker 1: quite a bit. There are a few other factors that
Speaker 1: contribute to this form of jealousy, including a big one
Speaker 1: an anxious attachment style. We know that that contributes to
Speaker 1: a significant fear of abandonment and rejection and therefore possibly
Speaker 1: a hyperfixation on our partner's past relationships. And then also
Speaker 1: rejection sensitivity, being particularly perceptive and sensitive susceptible to indications
Speaker 1: that someone is going to reject to one of which
Speaker 1: could be of course this is not true, but it
Speaker 1: could be their past, so you remain very focused on it.
Speaker 1: I'm really trying to make this point. A lot of
Speaker 1: this is coming from a place of fear, and fear
Speaker 1: is all like, most of the time, very irrational and untrue.
Speaker 1: But all of this can really take its toll, especially
Speaker 1: for your partner as well. It's important to understand that
Speaker 1: They can also feel a lot of the emotional consequences
Speaker 1: of this. They can feel shame over their own past.
Speaker 1: They can feel like there's nothing they can say or
Speaker 1: do that will help you. They can be a lot
Speaker 1: of frustration at the repetitive nature of your arguments, and
Speaker 1: frustration that you don't believe them when they say those
Speaker 1: people really mean nothing to them. Now, some therapist might
Speaker 1: suggest to you that a bit of jealousy is helpful.
Speaker 1: One of those people is a very renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perell.
Speaker 1: She talks about this theory this idea in her book
Speaker 1: Mating in Captivity, and according to her, jealousy proves to
Speaker 1: us in our partner that we care, that we want
Speaker 1: to stay committed to someone, and that we realize that
Speaker 1: we have a good thing. So in that way, it's
Speaker 1: very positive, because if you've never felt threatened, even at
Speaker 1: times when you should, it might indicate that you're not
Speaker 1: all in now. I will say that this is just
Speaker 1: one perspective. It's not for everyone, and obviously it is
Speaker 1: somewhat controversial at times. I, for one, do believe that
Speaker 1: a bit of jealousy does actually affirm your trust in
Speaker 1: someone and helps you realize again and again that they
Speaker 1: will choose you. But when it's rampant, when you have
Speaker 1: no control over it, when we are in a state
Speaker 1: that no love or reassurance can calm us, this will
Speaker 1: put a strain on your relationship and it could cause
Speaker 1: you to lose a very good thing. So let's talk
Speaker 1: about how to manage our retroactive jealousy and process all
Speaker 1: the causes, the contributors that are keeping us in a
Speaker 1: position of feeling very powerless and out of control in
Speaker 1: our own relationship. So all of that and more after
Speaker 1: this short break, you want your relationship to last. It
Speaker 1: is important to reaffirm that as much as possible. If
Speaker 1: you were not committed. Firstly, you probably wouldn't be listening
Speaker 1: to this episode. You wouldn't be having these concerns because
Speaker 1: you wouldn't be worried about having something to lose. The
Speaker 1: thing is, though, you can't choose your partner, the person
Speaker 1: that is the most important person in your life, based
Speaker 1: on their past, because that is going to really really
Speaker 1: limit your options and mean that you could potentially miss
Speaker 1: out on your soulmate just because they've had a few
Speaker 1: too many exes, They had a past, So did you,
Speaker 1: and you need to remember that those relationships ended for
Speaker 1: a reason. They have free will. Your partner has free will.
Speaker 1: They are making the best decision for them, and that
Speaker 1: is to be with you. They want to be here.
Speaker 1: I always find it valuable to think about how I
Speaker 1: feel about my own exes. Quite frankly, I want nothing
Speaker 1: to do with them, And if that's how I feel,
Speaker 1: why wouldn't my partner feel the same way about their past? Secondly,
Speaker 1: would you really want to date someone who had zero
Speaker 1: experience with dating with emotional intimacy, who had never experienced
Speaker 1: love or heartbreak or what it had to teach you.
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think that I would. I feel like
Speaker 1: that would be equally as strange to me to feel
Speaker 1: like I was the one who's having to show them
Speaker 1: everything that had to be their first love, when I'd
Speaker 1: had loves in the past as well. So I think
Speaker 1: that we always think that we would prefer something else,
Speaker 1: the grass being greener on the other side. But actually
Speaker 1: what you have right now is probably pretty pretty good,
Speaker 1: and it's just the small insecurity that you're going to
Speaker 1: have to move past. You can let yourself be ruled
Speaker 1: by fear, or you can decide to just give in
Speaker 1: to this anxiety. I find that retroactive jealousy is almost
Speaker 1: like quicksand the more you struggle against it and suppress
Speaker 1: your feelings, refuse to speak them out loud. The more
Speaker 1: you fight and fight and fight against your jealousy, the
Speaker 1: more entrenched you become, the more you sink. Instead, you
Speaker 1: have to do what feels insanely kinterintuitive in the moment,
Speaker 1: which is to just let yourself feel what you're feeling
Speaker 1: without trying to escape from it, without trying to assign
Speaker 1: some deeper meaning to your emotions. You are not your thoughts.
Speaker 1: You are separate from your thoughts. Your thoughts do not
Speaker 1: predict the future. You are just receiving those thoughts. You
Speaker 1: can't control what pops into your head, and having these
Speaker 1: thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that your relationship is doomed to fail. It doesn't say
Speaker 1: anything about your relationship other than that perhaps you just
Speaker 1: have something to work through. This is this idea of
Speaker 1: cognitive diffusion, being able to look at your thoughts and
Speaker 1: just observe them rather than panic at them. I think
Speaker 1: that our experience with retroactive jealousy becomes a lot easier
Speaker 1: when you just see your thoughts as just these little
Speaker 1: things popping in to say hi, that aren't going to
Speaker 1: hurt you, that don't mean really anything other than that
Speaker 1: they just exist, that they're just background noise. You're allowed
Speaker 1: to ignore those thoughts. You are allowed to ignore the
Speaker 1: thoughts that are not useful for you, that are not
Speaker 1: productive to you, and kind of accept the fact that
Speaker 1: they are not there to help you. They are coming
Speaker 1: from a place of insecurity, of anxiety, of overthinking, and
Speaker 1: the more you feed into them, the harder it's going
Speaker 1: to be to find a conclusion or to find an
Speaker 1: answer that's actually going to make you feel better. It's
Speaker 1: part of that acceptance of the fact that you're never
Speaker 1: going to have full clarity on about your partner's past.
Speaker 1: You can think up a million different scenarios, but none
Speaker 1: of them are actually going to be true, and all
Speaker 1: of them are probably going to make you feel a
Speaker 1: lot worse. I just have this belief that sometimes you
Speaker 1: do just have to have blind faith in what someone
Speaker 1: else is saying to you. If they say you have
Speaker 1: nothing to worry about, don't try and argue with them,
Speaker 1: Just say Okay, yeah, I choose to believe you. I'm
Speaker 1: choosing to believe you even if I don't want to,
Speaker 1: even if my fear wants me to look for another answer.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to look. Maybe you're lying to me.
Speaker 1: But you know, it's about trusting that You've also got
Speaker 1: a very good judge of care character, and you've chosen
Speaker 1: a good person to be in your life who is
Speaker 1: not going to lie to you, who is not going
Speaker 1: to deceive you, who wants to be here with you
Speaker 1: now in this relationship. So saying to yourself, Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: just going to believe this person kind of lets your
Speaker 1: anxiety and overthinking know where you stand. It shows them
Speaker 1: that you're the boss. You have set a boundary with yourself.
Speaker 1: You are giving yourself permission to stop ruminating. The other
Speaker 1: biggest gift you can give yourself in those moments is
Speaker 1: to eliminate any of the behavioral compulsions which you know
Speaker 1: are going to elicit a really emotional reaction. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about stalking their exes, stalking their old tagged photos, asking
Speaker 1: endless questions of your partner about their ex information that
Speaker 1: you quite frankly do not need to know. Now, I'm
Speaker 1: using the word compulsion here, because that is what they are.
Speaker 1: They are very difficult to suppress, especially when we have
Speaker 1: perhaps gotten used to feeling an anxious thought, feeling compelled
Speaker 1: to act in a certain way, and receiving some momentary reassurance.
Speaker 1: But it just means that the next time you need reassurance,
Speaker 1: the threshold is higher, and you actually aren't learning how
Speaker 1: to control those unconscious spikes of jealousy. You're allowing them
Speaker 1: to be kind of fueled by all of these behaviors
Speaker 1: that are giving you just more information that could potentially
Speaker 1: hurt your feelings, more information that you need to put
Speaker 1: in and find a way to fit into your brain,
Speaker 1: more scenarios to play with. You are just adding more
Speaker 1: fuel to the fire, essentially, And we need to approach
Speaker 1: this on a need to know basis. If it doesn't
Speaker 1: impact your current relationship, you quite frankly don't need to know.
Speaker 1: It's okay, you don't need to know everything. The uncertainty
Speaker 1: that you're feeling in response to that is just a
Speaker 1: feeling you will never know everything. So perhaps if you'll
Speaker 1: never know everything, it's better to lowe to know you
Speaker 1: know less rather than more. It's also important to remember
Speaker 1: that your version of your partner's past might not be theirs.
Speaker 1: You are creating this mental movie that is probably totally
Speaker 1: different from reality, totally different to how it actually was,
Speaker 1: and it is a mental image, a mental movie that
Speaker 1: is most certainly leveraging your fears rather than the truth.
Speaker 1: It wants to be extreme. It is extrapolating based on
Speaker 1: limited information in a manner that our brain thinks will
Speaker 1: protect us, but is really harming us and probably lying
Speaker 1: to us as well. So it's important to counteract those
Speaker 1: thoughts that have no evidence to them. Has your partner
Speaker 1: given you any indication that they don't want to be
Speaker 1: with you? No, have they ever said that they want
Speaker 1: to get back with their ex? No, have they showed
Speaker 1: you any indication, a reasonable indication that they wanted to
Speaker 1: Probably not question the validity of your fearful thoughts. Now. Obviously,
Speaker 1: the example that we are mostly relying on are occasions
Speaker 1: where you actually don't have anything to worry about. I
Speaker 1: would say though, that if there are boundaries that are
Speaker 1: being crossed, that's giving you a reason to feel jealous
Speaker 1: and to feel really terrible. If you feel like this
Speaker 1: person that you're dating, or this person that you're with
Speaker 1: is encouraging that reaction almost as like a self esteem
Speaker 1: boost to them. This does not apply. Everything we've spoken
Speaker 1: about does not apply. That person is not good for you.
Speaker 1: You should have a serious conversation with them about why
Speaker 1: they feel the need to do that, why they are
Speaker 1: crossing boundaries that you have set for yourself, why they
Speaker 1: are choosing to disrespect you, and find out whether that's
Speaker 1: something that you're going to be willing to work with
Speaker 1: them towards fixing, or whether this relationship perhaps is not
Speaker 1: the one for you. Because some some times you realize
Speaker 1: that you're actually not crazy, and I'm gonna say crazy
Speaker 1: in quotation marks. You are not the crazy girlfriend or
Speaker 1: the crazy partner or the crazy boyfriend. You're actually with
Speaker 1: someone who is manipulating your emotions for their own personal
Speaker 1: gain and for their own sense of confidence and sense
Speaker 1: of self esteem. I've had that in the past where
Speaker 1: this person liked seeing me get jealous in a weird,
Speaker 1: twisted way because every time I got jealous, he got
Speaker 1: the reassurance that I wanted to be with him when
Speaker 1: I was telling him again and again and again that
Speaker 1: I did, But the jealousy was like this extra terry
Speaker 1: on top and it was so infuriating when I kind
Speaker 1: of began to realize that that was what he was doing,
Speaker 1: because it was not a pleasant emotion, and it was
Speaker 1: putting such a strain on our relationship and causing us
Speaker 1: to fight all the time, causing me to feel like
Speaker 1: I wasn't the person I wanted to be in that relationship.
Speaker 1: So I'm going to say an important caveat here. If
Speaker 1: you're with someone who is deliberately creating feelings of jealousy,
Speaker 1: or who is not respecting your boundaries, who is communicating
Speaker 1: with their ex regularly and has no need to, maybe
Speaker 1: that's not the right relationship for you. Maybe you're not
Speaker 1: the problem in those other instances though that we were
Speaker 1: speaking about, where it really is just a deep insecurity
Speaker 1: and overthinking. I would say, try not to involve your
Speaker 1: partner too much in helping you to solve this problem,
Speaker 1: in helping you to address your retroactive jealousy. They can,
Speaker 1: of course be a teammate, but they can't be your coach,
Speaker 1: because then we often become too overly reliant on their
Speaker 1: reassurance rather than actually addressing the root cause of this problem,
Speaker 1: which is that past trauma. Perhaps maybe that lack of
Speaker 1: security in your relationship. That insecurity, the overthinking, the self sabotage,
Speaker 1: those are all things that your partner actually can't help
Speaker 1: you with. You will have to do that on your own,
Speaker 1: and putting too much pressure on them to constantly make
Speaker 1: you feel better only just exacerbates and continues the cycle
Speaker 1: of retroactive jealousy, never actually causing you to pull yourself
Speaker 1: out of that thought pattern and think about the why
Speaker 1: rather than the current present moment and the what, and
Speaker 1: thinking about what can make you feel better? Why not
Speaker 1: think about how can I stop this from occurring in
Speaker 1: the first place. Perhaps that is really going to therapy
Speaker 1: and breaking down the content of those harmful memories from
Speaker 1: the past. What wounds are you carrying from past relationships
Speaker 1: that are showing up in your current relationship. Maybe that
Speaker 1: is focusing on working on your own insecurity. Why don't
Speaker 1: you feel adequate? Is it because you have never felt
Speaker 1: particularly confident about your body? Is it because you lack
Speaker 1: the same amat of experience as this person? Is it
Speaker 1: because you feel like you're not in their league or
Speaker 1: some other made up idea or basis for weighing and
Speaker 1: judging attractiveness instead of focusing on those things, and this
Speaker 1: is such a basic introduction to addressing insecurity that requires
Speaker 1: a whole episode of its own. But instead of focusing
Speaker 1: on all the ways that you may not be as
Speaker 1: good as their ex, that they may be better than you,
Speaker 1: that they may be deserving of more, focus on what
Speaker 1: you're amazing at. You are excellent at something, I'm sure
Speaker 1: of it. You excel at many things. There is a
Speaker 1: reason that this person has chosen you, even if you
Speaker 1: are struggling to see it right now. You have so
Speaker 1: much love to give. You are such a generous person.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that you are very very kind, or I
Speaker 1: would like to assume so very intelligent. There are so
Speaker 1: many attributes that I think we nor because we want
Speaker 1: to pretend that we're humble, or because we don't want
Speaker 1: to feel immodest or arrogant, and really that can actually
Speaker 1: just contribute to us not feeling like we have any
Speaker 1: value at all. Get back in touch with the things
Speaker 1: that make you unique, an interesting, and incredible and worthy
Speaker 1: of love, such that you don't need to be comparing
Speaker 1: yourself to this person's ex or their past feelings or
Speaker 1: situationships because you are wholly confident that what you have
Speaker 1: is better, what you have with them is better. Now,
Speaker 1: I think that's all we have time for today. I
Speaker 1: really hope that this episode has provided you with something
Speaker 1: to think about, has helped you if you are dealing
Speaker 1: with retroactive jealousy. I didn't want to approach this with
Speaker 1: too much shame, because I know sometimes we can really
Speaker 1: get confused when it comes to this form of jealousy
Speaker 1: and think that it means that we're possessive, or that
Speaker 1: where all these number of bad things, when actually I
Speaker 1: do just think that it comes from a lot of
Speaker 1: hurt that we need to heal. Retroactive jealousy is just
Speaker 1: a sign of some internal damage or some internal insecurity
Speaker 1: that our mind is calling on us to address. So
Speaker 1: I'm sending you a lot of love. This is a
Speaker 1: lot more common than you think. So you are not
Speaker 1: alone in this feeling. You're not a bad person because
Speaker 1: you ruminate on somebody else's past, But you do have
Speaker 1: a responsibility to yourself and to your relationship, to your partner,
Speaker 1: to the person that you want to be with. To
Speaker 1: get to the root cause of why this is occurring,
Speaker 1: it will take hard work. It will take a lot
Speaker 1: of honesty and vulnerability. But once you do that, I
Speaker 1: think you eradicate a lot of the negativity that is
Speaker 1: making you feel shameful about yourself or making you feel
Speaker 1: making you question the state of your relationship. So thank
Speaker 1: you so much for listening. If there is someone that
Speaker 1: you believe needs to hear this episode, please feel free
Speaker 1: to share it with them and leave a five star
Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now.
Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, this episode was actually
Speaker 1: an episode suggestion, please feel free to message me at
Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast on Instagram or you can follow me
Speaker 1: at genis Bak if you have any ideas for upcoming episodes, topics,
Speaker 1: anything you want us to discuss, and we will be
Speaker 1: back next week with another episode.