1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:27,000 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,559 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,880 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we dive 8 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:40,800 Speaker 1: into the Psychology of our twenties. I have a super 9 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,840 Speaker 1: fascinating topic for you all today, one that has been 10 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: on my mind quite a lot recently and on my 11 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:50,559 Speaker 1: list for some time as well, but I've never really 12 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:54,600 Speaker 1: gotten around to talking about it until now. Today is 13 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,960 Speaker 1: the day we are going to be talking about that 14 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 1: kind of sickening feeling of retroactive jealous Feeling jealous over 15 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:06,000 Speaker 1: your partner's past, the people they used to date, the 16 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,760 Speaker 1: sex they had before you, the love they've felt with 17 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:13,800 Speaker 1: other people, Feeling like their past has some impact, some 18 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:18,959 Speaker 1: influence on your current or your future together. This kind 19 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,960 Speaker 1: of jealousy feels like a reaction that neither of you 20 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: can control because it's about something that your person, your partner, 21 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,240 Speaker 1: can't undo. You also can't undo it the past is 22 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,760 Speaker 1: the past, and before they met you. It's this weird 23 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 1: reality where how could they have predicted that they would 24 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:38,800 Speaker 1: end up in this relationship and not the one that 25 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:42,240 Speaker 1: they had before. I think that retroactive jealousy is particularly 26 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 1: fascinating because normally jealousy occurs in response to present day 27 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 1: actions or feeling threatened by a current relationship, current words, 28 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,360 Speaker 1: current behaviors. But with retroactive jealousy, the actions that you 29 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:01,160 Speaker 1: are concerned about normally occurred before they even knew you existed. 30 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: So it's really confusing. And our rational brain normally understands 31 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: how logical it is to hold our partners past over them, 32 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,959 Speaker 1: but there is this emotional and I would say vulnerable, 33 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:18,240 Speaker 1: often insecure part about ourselves that can't help it. It's 34 00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:23,320 Speaker 1: a compulsion. It's this unconscious feeling and fear that maybe 35 00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: what they had before is better than what they have now. 36 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:30,200 Speaker 1: They know it, they're aware, but you don't. They're having 37 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:32,880 Speaker 1: all these private thoughts that you can never fully understand, 38 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: and that sense that there are secrets or there is 39 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:38,200 Speaker 1: something you can't control on your relationship results in a 40 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:43,280 Speaker 1: lot of unhealthy behaviors. You know, comparison compulsive snooping, especially 41 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 1: online on social media, picking fights, sabotaging the relationship, sarcasm, 42 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:53,800 Speaker 1: wanting your partner to constantly prove themselves again and again 43 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,640 Speaker 1: and again that they want you, that the past doesn't matter, 44 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 1: when in reality it is still a part of who 45 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:03,200 Speaker 1: they are. We have to accept that everything we may 46 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,680 Speaker 1: feel jealous of is actually what has brought us together. 47 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,800 Speaker 1: How could you be where you are right now without 48 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 1: all those things having happened, And in a sense, you 49 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:17,840 Speaker 1: have those past relationships to be grateful for, But because 50 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:21,200 Speaker 1: you are so appreciative of the love you have currently 51 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 1: and you believe it's so worth protecting, we don't see 52 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 1: that for what it is. It's definitely a labyrinth at times, 53 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,119 Speaker 1: and it's really hard to navigate because a secondary component 54 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,080 Speaker 1: of this is that we feel a lot of shame, 55 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:37,520 Speaker 1: and when we experience shame, this really causes us to 56 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,800 Speaker 1: suppress the emotion when we surprise. We know this time 57 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 1: and time again. Avoidance means that this emotion, this feeling, 58 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,960 Speaker 1: is only going to come back with a vengeance because 59 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:53,640 Speaker 1: you haven't properly processed it. So let's talk about how 60 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 1: you can actually process your retroactive jealousy today, why it occurs, 61 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,200 Speaker 1: understand its origins, and what we can do about it 62 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 1: before it ends up perhaps undermining or destroying something really 63 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:12,400 Speaker 1: really precious and really really good. To begin, retroactive jealousy 64 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:16,120 Speaker 1: occurs when we feel threatened by our partner's past romantic relationships. 65 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:20,960 Speaker 1: Now that threat doesn't have to be real. This can 66 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,080 Speaker 1: be for no reason at all, which I think is 67 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,960 Speaker 1: actually the most common instance where this occurs. There can 68 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,680 Speaker 1: be times where this jealousy is triggered by something like 69 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 1: an ex reaching back out, or some comment or action 70 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,880 Speaker 1: by your partner that makes you believe they're not fully 71 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: over this person in the past. But most of the time, 72 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,720 Speaker 1: I would say the source of our jealousy is internal. 73 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:48,800 Speaker 1: It has to do with an internal cue, or an 74 00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:53,080 Speaker 1: internal fear, or an internal insecurity that we haven't quite 75 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,600 Speaker 1: yet expressed or aren't ready to really think about. There 76 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: are times when you deserve to be jealous, and I 77 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,960 Speaker 1: think there are times when you deserve to not just 78 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:04,279 Speaker 1: be jealous, but angry if your partner does do something 79 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:08,360 Speaker 1: to betray your trust. But when it comes to retroactive jealousy, 80 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:11,279 Speaker 1: that's not really what we're talking about, because the things 81 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,080 Speaker 1: that we are struggling with. The things that we feel 82 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:18,359 Speaker 1: negative emotions towards are things that are so far in 83 00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: the past that it doesn't it is not entirely fair 84 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:26,680 Speaker 1: to blame your partner. Jealousy is a painful emotion, though, 85 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,240 Speaker 1: and most of us hate to admit that we've ever 86 00:05:29,279 --> 00:05:32,240 Speaker 1: felt it because in many ways, I think we conflate 87 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:37,560 Speaker 1: jealousy with possessiveness, and we don't want this other person 88 00:05:37,760 --> 00:05:41,039 Speaker 1: to feel like we are trying to control them, or 89 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,600 Speaker 1: that we don't trust them, you know. I think that 90 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:48,799 Speaker 1: that's the really difficult thing is because jealousy, although it's natural, 91 00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:53,640 Speaker 1: is also very villainized, and it also normally triggers a 92 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 1: lot of secondary emotions that we are taught to feel 93 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: a lot of shame towards to really keep under wraps, 94 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:07,600 Speaker 1: things like rage, insecurity, self doubt, embarrassment, and so when 95 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:11,120 Speaker 1: we don't have a healthy way of understanding those emotions, 96 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,960 Speaker 1: it can lead us to project a lot of that 97 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 1: anger and insecurity onto our partner, which they probably don't deserve. 98 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,840 Speaker 1: I think it's so interesting to think of how many 99 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,960 Speaker 1: relationships could have been saved if people had just had 100 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,080 Speaker 1: an open conversation about how they were feeling, if they 101 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,960 Speaker 1: had just been honest about the emotions and the reactions 102 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 1: that so many people had told them to be embarrassed about, 103 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,760 Speaker 1: and because they feel so embarrassed about them, they therefore 104 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:44,720 Speaker 1: have no other option other than to come out in 105 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:48,919 Speaker 1: other ways that society sometimes says is more acceptable, or 106 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:54,040 Speaker 1: society says is less possessive or less crazy, when actually 107 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,440 Speaker 1: the main emotion here, this jealousy, is never addressed and 108 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,880 Speaker 1: will continue to carry on into other relationships. It's not 109 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 1: about the person you're dating. It's about the feeling that 110 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:08,200 Speaker 1: you don't have a good grasp on. So some of 111 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,160 Speaker 1: the key signs that you're experiencing retroactive jealousy are as follows. 112 00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:16,600 Speaker 1: You ruminate and repeatedly think about your partner's x or 113 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:20,960 Speaker 1: past relationships, and you feel incredibly envious when they talk 114 00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:24,120 Speaker 1: about it. You either don't want to talk about it, 115 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: you don't want to hear a thing, even if it's 116 00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: an important part of their past, or alternatively, you might 117 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 1: frequently ask a lot of intrusive questions about what the 118 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,680 Speaker 1: sex was like when they said they loved each other 119 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,280 Speaker 1: for the first time, details of every single element of 120 00:07:41,280 --> 00:07:44,760 Speaker 1: their relationship because you feel like if you know this 121 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,320 Speaker 1: stuff it's going to be comforting, that it's actually going 122 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 1: to make that feeling a lot worse. You also might 123 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: continuously compare yourself to their past partners, both physically but 124 00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: then also in terms of emotionally as well, and thinking 125 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 1: what did this person get of them that maybe I can't. 126 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:06,160 Speaker 1: You wonder what they feel like they're missing, even if 127 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 1: they've given you no indication that they are feeling this way. 128 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,120 Speaker 1: You doubt your partner. You begin to fill in what 129 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,640 Speaker 1: they're saying with your own version of the truth, a 130 00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 1: version of the truth that is based on your own security, 131 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,800 Speaker 1: that is based on your kind of negative impression of 132 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 1: past events when it might actually not have been that 133 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: way at all. Right, And additionally, you lash out as 134 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,480 Speaker 1: a way to look for reassurance if you start fights 135 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:36,800 Speaker 1: and if you are accusatory. Sometimes we have this false 136 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 1: belief that how our partner reacts in response is going 137 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,080 Speaker 1: to make us feel better. Either they will reaffirm your 138 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,319 Speaker 1: beliefs or disprove them, and therefore it acts as its 139 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:51,600 Speaker 1: own form of reassurance. Right. You know, fights always have 140 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,280 Speaker 1: to have either the always have a conclusion. Right, Either 141 00:08:54,320 --> 00:08:58,000 Speaker 1: you end the relationship, you break up, or your partner 142 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,720 Speaker 1: says enough to you, says something to you that's going 143 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,199 Speaker 1: to make you feel better. Both of those offer a 144 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: conclusion to your jealousy in the moment that you may 145 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 1: not have been getting elsewhere. You might also find that 146 00:09:08,559 --> 00:09:12,079 Speaker 1: you experience a decline in your self confidence as a result, 147 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,920 Speaker 1: which we never want to see that because when you 148 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:18,480 Speaker 1: don't feel full yourself with your partner, your connection is 149 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:23,080 Speaker 1: going to suffer. You know, they had a history before you. 150 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,680 Speaker 1: As unfortunate as it is, we don't all immediately find 151 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:30,280 Speaker 1: the one on our first tribe, but I'm sure that 152 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,040 Speaker 1: you also had a history. You also had a past 153 00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 1: before them, and all of those past relationships that you 154 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 1: had obviously ended for a reason, and that is the 155 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:42,440 Speaker 1: same for them. They are with you for a reason. 156 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,880 Speaker 1: You have to trust that being with you is what 157 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,240 Speaker 1: they see is the best thing for them, the same 158 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,280 Speaker 1: way you feel about that, the same way that you 159 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 1: wouldn't be in this relationship is if it wasn't good, 160 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,959 Speaker 1: if you didn't value it. You have to trust that 161 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:58,199 Speaker 1: your partner is able to make the best decision for 162 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,600 Speaker 1: them the same way that you make the best decisions 163 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:05,440 Speaker 1: for you. Like I said before, it's hard not to 164 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:09,120 Speaker 1: let retroactive jealousy get in the way because it does 165 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 1: bring a lot of associated shame. And as humans, we're 166 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:16,600 Speaker 1: also very protective of our hearts. Love is a very 167 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: delicate emotion. It's a very special thing, and it's very rare, 168 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:22,840 Speaker 1: and so we naturally have an instinctive reaction to be 169 00:10:22,920 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: quite defensive and vigilant to outside threats that might jeopardize 170 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 1: this valuable thing. And truly I get it, but it's 171 00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 1: also really valuable to understand where that comes from. So 172 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,480 Speaker 1: we're going to talk through four explanations here, past trauma 173 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:47,240 Speaker 1: and relationship experiences, overthinking insecurity including rejection, sensitivity, and finally 174 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 1: self sabotage. Those are the main reasons, all the main 175 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:56,280 Speaker 1: factors that contribute to frequent retroactive jealousy. I also wanted 176 00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,319 Speaker 1: to spell the idea that if you struggle with feeling 177 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: jealous about your partner's past, you are somehow toxic or 178 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:06,040 Speaker 1: possessive or a bad person, because although I do think 179 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: that jealousy can reach a very noxious point, I would 180 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,240 Speaker 1: say that the majority of people are not like this. 181 00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:17,640 Speaker 1: They are just managing a complex interaction between their anxiety, insecurity, vulnerability, 182 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 1: and a host of other factors, and they never act 183 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: on it in a way that is meant to harm 184 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,760 Speaker 1: who they are with. They are just confused by emotions 185 00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:28,320 Speaker 1: that they may not have felt before and are looking 186 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: for reassurance. So let's talk about where retroactive jealousy comes from. 187 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,800 Speaker 1: We're going to start by looking into past relationship trauma. 188 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,480 Speaker 1: If you have been hurt in the past by a 189 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:46,160 Speaker 1: previous partner, perhaps cheating, whether that was emotional or physical, 190 00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:49,160 Speaker 1: maybe not respecting your boundaries when it came to their 191 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:53,760 Speaker 1: communication with an x, or being unfaithful in some way, 192 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,679 Speaker 1: it's hard to not bring this previous experience into your 193 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:04,120 Speaker 1: new relationship is a very fragile thing, and once broken, 194 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 1: it's very hard to repair. And that doesn't always just 195 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:10,040 Speaker 1: apply to the relationship in which the betrayal of trust occurred. 196 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,480 Speaker 1: Those wounds carry on with us and they can become 197 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 1: apparent in our future relationships. That is because those experiences have, 198 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,840 Speaker 1: in a way unconsciously taught us something about what it 199 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: means to be loved and what it means to be 200 00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,400 Speaker 1: in love. Even if those lessons are an anomaly or 201 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,600 Speaker 1: aren't correct. Our brain is taking on this past information 202 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,240 Speaker 1: as a way to help teach it what to do 203 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:39,400 Speaker 1: in future instances like this to avoid being hurt. That 204 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:43,120 Speaker 1: is especially the case when those experiences are very emotionally 205 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:48,439 Speaker 1: salient or painful, if you have been cheated on, if 206 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 1: it was happening for months behind your back, our brain 207 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:56,320 Speaker 1: pays more attention to the content of these memories to 208 00:12:56,440 --> 00:13:00,360 Speaker 1: avoid a similar pain from occurring in the future. And 209 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: what this creates is a type of hypervigilance in which 210 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:08,240 Speaker 1: you are constantly on alert for any cues or suggestions 211 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,680 Speaker 1: or indications that you can be hurt again. So in psychology, 212 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:17,600 Speaker 1: hypervigilance is basically just being more attuned to information in 213 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 1: our environment that might confirm our fears, and it's often 214 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:26,080 Speaker 1: a sign of a dysregulated nervous system, but also traumatic 215 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:30,480 Speaker 1: events in the past or in severe cases PTSD, and 216 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,960 Speaker 1: it causes us to interpret the information that we're being 217 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,480 Speaker 1: given in a different way, in a way that it 218 00:13:35,559 --> 00:13:38,600 Speaker 1: wants us to be able to almost predict a threat. 219 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 1: So when your new partner does something that anyone else 220 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,160 Speaker 1: would say you're supernormal, like take a phone call outside 221 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,559 Speaker 1: or text on their phone on the other side of 222 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:51,560 Speaker 1: the room or recount some story of an x. You 223 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:55,120 Speaker 1: apply a different meaning to their actions and you interpret 224 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,160 Speaker 1: that something must be wrong, that you have a reason 225 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,880 Speaker 1: to feel jealous. You can't find a present day reason 226 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 1: for this, you might look to their past for an explanation, 227 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:11,199 Speaker 1: and what emerges is retroactive jealousy. It's important to note 228 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,320 Speaker 1: here that your mind is just trying to protect you. 229 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,680 Speaker 1: It's trying to do what it does best, which is 230 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,680 Speaker 1: to avoid pain, both the physical and the emotional type. 231 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,520 Speaker 1: But sometimes it also jumps to conclusions with limited information, 232 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,480 Speaker 1: and a lot of that processing of information is based 233 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:35,160 Speaker 1: on biases and distortions that you have developed from past experiences. 234 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: So cognitive biases are essentially a way in which we 235 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:44,120 Speaker 1: process information based on how we've learnt things in the past. 236 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 1: So it is, honestly, it's like an abnormal way of 237 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:53,600 Speaker 1: seeing things that isn't based in reality. So the particular 238 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:58,640 Speaker 1: bias that we're thinking of heroes known as selective perception bias, 239 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: whereby expectations determine what we actually end up seeing and 240 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,960 Speaker 1: what we tend to miss, is all the other information 241 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:11,200 Speaker 1: that is telling us we have nothing to worry about 242 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:16,080 Speaker 1: we don't always think about the reassurance, all the moments 243 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 1: that our partner has told us that they do love us, 244 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: that they want to be with us, the little things 245 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:25,560 Speaker 1: they do for us. Instead, the focus remains on the past, 246 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: because that is where we see the danger as being. 247 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,520 Speaker 1: That is where we see there being perhaps a threat 248 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:36,440 Speaker 1: to our relationship. And it's important to remember that a 249 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,680 Speaker 1: lot of this anxiety and worry is irrational and also 250 00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: just a natural reaction to uncertainty and putting yourself in 251 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:46,400 Speaker 1: a position where you know you could get hurt. That's 252 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:48,200 Speaker 1: really what it is at the end of the day, 253 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 1: Like love provides a lot of opportunity to get seriously heartbroken, 254 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,520 Speaker 1: and that is something that none of us are going 255 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,160 Speaker 1: to opt into, none of us want to feel. And 256 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,800 Speaker 1: so all of that, these thoughts, all of this jealousy 257 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 1: is really just a way for you to ensure that 258 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,160 Speaker 1: you could predict if that was going to happen, and 259 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: to be on the lookout for any signs of danger 260 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,800 Speaker 1: to your relationship. I think the part of love, however, 261 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,720 Speaker 1: is that you just have to trust this other person 262 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:22,080 Speaker 1: won't do that, and trusting them also deepens the bond 263 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:25,640 Speaker 1: in many ways. So the second major reason that we 264 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: tend to experience retroactive jealousy is related to overthinking. A 265 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:35,920 Speaker 1: lot of individuals who are naturally very anxious also have 266 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:41,440 Speaker 1: the tendency to overthink and ruminate on things beyond their control, 267 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:45,280 Speaker 1: because the very act of thinking about these things repetitively 268 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:50,520 Speaker 1: brings about a sense of false security. If we can 269 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,600 Speaker 1: imagine every possible situation, everything our partner is not telling 270 00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:57,120 Speaker 1: us every way we might not be as good as 271 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 1: the ex every way that they might want more, we 272 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:05,520 Speaker 1: can prepare ourselves for when those fears inevitably are proven true, 273 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:09,200 Speaker 1: even though we know that they probably never will. That's 274 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,439 Speaker 1: not the point, right We don't actually want the thoughts 275 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,760 Speaker 1: and the fears to come true, but we just want 276 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:17,880 Speaker 1: to be prepared just in case they do. Overthinking really 277 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:21,280 Speaker 1: plays a big part in the obsessive nature of retroactive jealousy, 278 00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,399 Speaker 1: because there will never be a conclusion or an answer 279 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,719 Speaker 1: that is going to satisfy us whilst we are in 280 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:31,000 Speaker 1: that thought spiral, because as soon as one door closes, 281 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,280 Speaker 1: another one will open. That is the nature of overthinking. Normally, 282 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: I would say in someone's brain, what might occur is 283 00:17:38,320 --> 00:17:41,240 Speaker 1: that a thought pops into your head one of the millions, 284 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,640 Speaker 1: perhaps billions of thoughts that we have in a day, 285 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: But this one feels really scary because it's about someone 286 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,320 Speaker 1: that you care about. It may be a thought like 287 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:55,040 Speaker 1: does my boyfriend find me as attractive as his ex? Now, 288 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: most people can dismiss this thought and realize that it's 289 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: fear based and irrational and just be like, yeah, of 290 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:03,080 Speaker 1: course he does, and even if he doesn't, that's not 291 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,920 Speaker 1: my problem. Like whatever, it's okay. I know that we're 292 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,199 Speaker 1: in love. I know that we're okay. But if you 293 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,280 Speaker 1: are a natural overthinker, any thought of this kind that 294 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 1: has that emotional magnitude behind it requires close examination because 295 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,000 Speaker 1: you aren't comfortable unless you know for a fact that 296 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,000 Speaker 1: it's untrue, So you obsess on it, you let it simmer, 297 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,240 Speaker 1: which causes the thought spiral to continue. What you're really 298 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,480 Speaker 1: struggling with is the uncertainty. There is so much about 299 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,080 Speaker 1: a relationship that you can't control. You can't control someone's 300 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,959 Speaker 1: private thoughts, you can't control their feelings, and you definitely 301 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: can't control their past. This acknowledgment breeds a lot of insecurity, 302 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,520 Speaker 1: a lot of instability, and it can also culminate in 303 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:51,560 Speaker 1: something that we call retroactive OCDA, a type of honestly 304 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:56,680 Speaker 1: obsessive compulsive disorder that involves becoming super overwhelmed by intrusive 305 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:59,600 Speaker 1: thoughts of a partner's past, such that we can't even 306 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,720 Speaker 1: control their frequency, their quantity, their intensity. We don't want 307 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,840 Speaker 1: to feel this way, and the more you struggle against it, 308 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,280 Speaker 1: the louder some of those thoughts become, because they gain 309 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,919 Speaker 1: a lot more power over you. It may also have 310 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,159 Speaker 1: to do with a level of personal insecurity, perhaps insecurity 311 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: about your value as a partner, your attractiveness, your intelligence, 312 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 1: your past sexual experience. I see this a lot with 313 00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:30,240 Speaker 1: partners where one partner has had more sexual partners than 314 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:34,000 Speaker 1: the other. It feels like because they have more comparison points, 315 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,639 Speaker 1: because maybe they've had more casual sex, they've had more experience, whatever, 316 00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:40,959 Speaker 1: it may be that this other person can't live up 317 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,560 Speaker 1: to what they had in the past, and therefore they 318 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:47,080 Speaker 1: can't be the best. So they'll always this other person 319 00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:50,240 Speaker 1: will always want something more than them, they'll want something better, 320 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:54,520 Speaker 1: and that is what really breeds this jealousy. Now, this 321 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:57,960 Speaker 1: is entirely untrue. What's actually happening here is that we 322 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,920 Speaker 1: are experiencing a deflation in ourselves based on something someone 323 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:05,639 Speaker 1: else can't even control, i e. A past event, and 324 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:08,720 Speaker 1: we are using that event. We're using our partner's past 325 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:13,120 Speaker 1: as almost a projection of how we're feeling deep inside, 326 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,439 Speaker 1: which is that we're not feeling amazing. We're searching for 327 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,080 Speaker 1: a reason why we're not feeling amazing, and when it 328 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,680 Speaker 1: comes to our partners X, that feels like the perfect 329 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 1: point to diffuse all of our insecurity. A study published 330 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:30,120 Speaker 1: by the American Psychological Association actually found a pretty significant 331 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:34,040 Speaker 1: link between jealousy and low self esteem, especially when it 332 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:37,760 Speaker 1: comes to sexual jealousy. Here's the thing. I don't think 333 00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:41,159 Speaker 1: that you should be ashamed of your insecurities because you 334 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,119 Speaker 1: really didn't have a choice in the matter. There is 335 00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:46,359 Speaker 1: not a single person who would choose to feel less 336 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,639 Speaker 1: than or who would choose to be inadequate when given 337 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:53,480 Speaker 1: the choice. But although you don't have control over how 338 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:57,959 Speaker 1: your insecurity has come to be your origin story, you 339 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:01,080 Speaker 1: do have a choice on how you use to communicate 340 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:06,399 Speaker 1: your insecurity to your partner. Is that through sarcasm or 341 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:10,840 Speaker 1: picking fights or this silent treatment, or is it about 342 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:14,639 Speaker 1: doing what is objectively harder, but better overall, which is 343 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:17,520 Speaker 1: being honest with them, letting them see this part of you, 344 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,920 Speaker 1: this fragile element of you that is causing a lot 345 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,639 Speaker 1: of that anger and sadness over the past. When this 346 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:27,640 Speaker 1: insecurity is left unchecked, it can also reveal itself through 347 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,760 Speaker 1: self sabotage. When we don't feel good enough, it's going 348 00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:34,280 Speaker 1: to unconsciously inform how we choose to act, manifesting in 349 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,959 Speaker 1: behaviors that we know will push our partner away, like 350 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:45,200 Speaker 1: invading their privacy, like picking fights, like continuously coming back 351 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 1: to this intrusive thought. We know what will come of 352 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:54,640 Speaker 1: those behaviors. The outcome is predictable. They will probably leave us, 353 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:57,920 Speaker 1: the relationship will break down, but at least in some 354 00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,439 Speaker 1: strange way you had to saying it. It feels like 355 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 1: you're bringing the control back to you by pushing them away, 356 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 1: rather than waiting for them to walk away based on 357 00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 1: something that you can't predict, like past feelings about NX 358 00:22:13,480 --> 00:22:16,760 Speaker 1: or a relationship or whatever it is. You just truly 359 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:20,040 Speaker 1: are trying to sabotage the relationship as a way to 360 00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: not be blindsided when you believe it will inevitably come 361 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:27,359 Speaker 1: to an end. Self sabotage has its origins and that 362 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:30,840 Speaker 1: insecurity we were speaking about before, and it's a coping 363 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 1: mechanism we use to bring about a sense of agency 364 00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,480 Speaker 1: in situations where we don't feel a lot of agency 365 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:41,920 Speaker 1: or security, but also to manage stressful situations and past trauma. 366 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:45,000 Speaker 1: So it does go hand in hand with retroactive jealousy 367 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,320 Speaker 1: quite a bit. There are a few other factors that 368 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,160 Speaker 1: contribute to this form of jealousy, including a big one 369 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,359 Speaker 1: an anxious attachment style. We know that that contributes to 370 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:01,960 Speaker 1: a significant fear of abandonment and rejection and therefore possibly 371 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:06,920 Speaker 1: a hyperfixation on our partner's past relationships. And then also 372 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:13,560 Speaker 1: rejection sensitivity, being particularly perceptive and sensitive susceptible to indications 373 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:16,119 Speaker 1: that someone is going to reject to one of which 374 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,840 Speaker 1: could be of course this is not true, but it 375 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:22,159 Speaker 1: could be their past, so you remain very focused on it. 376 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,919 Speaker 1: I'm really trying to make this point. A lot of 377 00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,639 Speaker 1: this is coming from a place of fear, and fear 378 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:31,320 Speaker 1: is all like, most of the time, very irrational and untrue. 379 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,440 Speaker 1: But all of this can really take its toll, especially 380 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,520 Speaker 1: for your partner as well. It's important to understand that 381 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,200 Speaker 1: They can also feel a lot of the emotional consequences 382 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,080 Speaker 1: of this. They can feel shame over their own past. 383 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,399 Speaker 1: They can feel like there's nothing they can say or 384 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,399 Speaker 1: do that will help you. They can be a lot 385 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:54,040 Speaker 1: of frustration at the repetitive nature of your arguments, and 386 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:56,560 Speaker 1: frustration that you don't believe them when they say those 387 00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,480 Speaker 1: people really mean nothing to them. Now, some therapist might 388 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,200 Speaker 1: suggest to you that a bit of jealousy is helpful. 389 00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:07,320 Speaker 1: One of those people is a very renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perell. 390 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,520 Speaker 1: She talks about this theory this idea in her book 391 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: Mating in Captivity, and according to her, jealousy proves to 392 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:18,360 Speaker 1: us in our partner that we care, that we want 393 00:24:18,359 --> 00:24:20,879 Speaker 1: to stay committed to someone, and that we realize that 394 00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,400 Speaker 1: we have a good thing. So in that way, it's 395 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,320 Speaker 1: very positive, because if you've never felt threatened, even at 396 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:29,000 Speaker 1: times when you should, it might indicate that you're not 397 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,119 Speaker 1: all in now. I will say that this is just 398 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,919 Speaker 1: one perspective. It's not for everyone, and obviously it is 399 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,200 Speaker 1: somewhat controversial at times. I, for one, do believe that 400 00:24:39,600 --> 00:24:42,480 Speaker 1: a bit of jealousy does actually affirm your trust in 401 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:45,679 Speaker 1: someone and helps you realize again and again that they 402 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,320 Speaker 1: will choose you. But when it's rampant, when you have 403 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,720 Speaker 1: no control over it, when we are in a state 404 00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:56,040 Speaker 1: that no love or reassurance can calm us, this will 405 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,679 Speaker 1: put a strain on your relationship and it could cause 406 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,920 Speaker 1: you to lose a very good thing. So let's talk 407 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: about how to manage our retroactive jealousy and process all 408 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,480 Speaker 1: the causes, the contributors that are keeping us in a 409 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:14,320 Speaker 1: position of feeling very powerless and out of control in 410 00:25:14,359 --> 00:25:17,800 Speaker 1: our own relationship. So all of that and more after 411 00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:28,359 Speaker 1: this short break, you want your relationship to last. It 412 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,440 Speaker 1: is important to reaffirm that as much as possible. If 413 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:35,119 Speaker 1: you were not committed. Firstly, you probably wouldn't be listening 414 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 1: to this episode. You wouldn't be having these concerns because 415 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: you wouldn't be worried about having something to lose. The 416 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,159 Speaker 1: thing is, though, you can't choose your partner, the person 417 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 1: that is the most important person in your life, based 418 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:53,399 Speaker 1: on their past, because that is going to really really 419 00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 1: limit your options and mean that you could potentially miss 420 00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,840 Speaker 1: out on your soulmate just because they've had a few 421 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:03,760 Speaker 1: too many exes, They had a past, So did you, 422 00:26:04,359 --> 00:26:07,199 Speaker 1: and you need to remember that those relationships ended for 423 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:10,639 Speaker 1: a reason. They have free will. Your partner has free will. 424 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,280 Speaker 1: They are making the best decision for them, and that 425 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:17,320 Speaker 1: is to be with you. They want to be here. 426 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,239 Speaker 1: I always find it valuable to think about how I 427 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,040 Speaker 1: feel about my own exes. Quite frankly, I want nothing 428 00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,399 Speaker 1: to do with them, And if that's how I feel, 429 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 1: why wouldn't my partner feel the same way about their past? Secondly, 430 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,960 Speaker 1: would you really want to date someone who had zero 431 00:26:33,840 --> 00:26:38,160 Speaker 1: experience with dating with emotional intimacy, who had never experienced 432 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:40,879 Speaker 1: love or heartbreak or what it had to teach you. 433 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,240 Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think that I would. I feel like 434 00:26:45,359 --> 00:26:49,680 Speaker 1: that would be equally as strange to me to feel 435 00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,959 Speaker 1: like I was the one who's having to show them 436 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,760 Speaker 1: everything that had to be their first love, when I'd 437 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:58,640 Speaker 1: had loves in the past as well. So I think 438 00:26:58,680 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 1: that we always think that we would prefer something else, 439 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,280 Speaker 1: the grass being greener on the other side. But actually 440 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,080 Speaker 1: what you have right now is probably pretty pretty good, 441 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,800 Speaker 1: and it's just the small insecurity that you're going to 442 00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:16,040 Speaker 1: have to move past. You can let yourself be ruled 443 00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:18,840 Speaker 1: by fear, or you can decide to just give in 444 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,760 Speaker 1: to this anxiety. I find that retroactive jealousy is almost 445 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,480 Speaker 1: like quicksand the more you struggle against it and suppress 446 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,760 Speaker 1: your feelings, refuse to speak them out loud. The more 447 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:33,360 Speaker 1: you fight and fight and fight against your jealousy, the 448 00:27:33,359 --> 00:27:37,840 Speaker 1: more entrenched you become, the more you sink. Instead, you 449 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,960 Speaker 1: have to do what feels insanely kinterintuitive in the moment, 450 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:45,440 Speaker 1: which is to just let yourself feel what you're feeling 451 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:50,000 Speaker 1: without trying to escape from it, without trying to assign 452 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 1: some deeper meaning to your emotions. You are not your thoughts. 453 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:58,560 Speaker 1: You are separate from your thoughts. Your thoughts do not 454 00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,439 Speaker 1: predict the future. You are just receiving those thoughts. You 455 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,359 Speaker 1: can't control what pops into your head, and having these 456 00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,360 Speaker 1: thoughts doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't mean 457 00:28:09,359 --> 00:28:13,000 Speaker 1: that your relationship is doomed to fail. It doesn't say 458 00:28:13,200 --> 00:28:17,080 Speaker 1: anything about your relationship other than that perhaps you just 459 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:20,280 Speaker 1: have something to work through. This is this idea of 460 00:28:20,359 --> 00:28:24,159 Speaker 1: cognitive diffusion, being able to look at your thoughts and 461 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:28,120 Speaker 1: just observe them rather than panic at them. I think 462 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:32,720 Speaker 1: that our experience with retroactive jealousy becomes a lot easier 463 00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,760 Speaker 1: when you just see your thoughts as just these little 464 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,680 Speaker 1: things popping in to say hi, that aren't going to 465 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,680 Speaker 1: hurt you, that don't mean really anything other than that 466 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,920 Speaker 1: they just exist, that they're just background noise. You're allowed 467 00:28:45,960 --> 00:28:48,280 Speaker 1: to ignore those thoughts. You are allowed to ignore the 468 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,960 Speaker 1: thoughts that are not useful for you, that are not 469 00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:54,560 Speaker 1: productive to you, and kind of accept the fact that 470 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 1: they are not there to help you. They are coming 471 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: from a place of insecurity, of anxiety, of overthinking, and 472 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:06,960 Speaker 1: the more you feed into them, the harder it's going 473 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:09,440 Speaker 1: to be to find a conclusion or to find an 474 00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:13,400 Speaker 1: answer that's actually going to make you feel better. It's 475 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:15,880 Speaker 1: part of that acceptance of the fact that you're never 476 00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:19,080 Speaker 1: going to have full clarity on about your partner's past. 477 00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:24,600 Speaker 1: You can think up a million different scenarios, but none 478 00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 1: of them are actually going to be true, and all 479 00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,239 Speaker 1: of them are probably going to make you feel a 480 00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:34,160 Speaker 1: lot worse. I just have this belief that sometimes you 481 00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:36,720 Speaker 1: do just have to have blind faith in what someone 482 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:39,560 Speaker 1: else is saying to you. If they say you have 483 00:29:39,680 --> 00:29:42,640 Speaker 1: nothing to worry about, don't try and argue with them, 484 00:29:42,720 --> 00:29:45,200 Speaker 1: Just say Okay, yeah, I choose to believe you. I'm 485 00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:48,360 Speaker 1: choosing to believe you even if I don't want to, 486 00:29:48,480 --> 00:29:51,880 Speaker 1: even if my fear wants me to look for another answer. 487 00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:55,240 Speaker 1: I'm not going to look. Maybe you're lying to me. 488 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: But you know, it's about trusting that You've also got 489 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,560 Speaker 1: a very good judge of care character, and you've chosen 490 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,800 Speaker 1: a good person to be in your life who is 491 00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:05,239 Speaker 1: not going to lie to you, who is not going 492 00:30:05,320 --> 00:30:07,840 Speaker 1: to deceive you, who wants to be here with you 493 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:11,120 Speaker 1: now in this relationship. So saying to yourself, Okay, I'm 494 00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:13,560 Speaker 1: just going to believe this person kind of lets your 495 00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,040 Speaker 1: anxiety and overthinking know where you stand. It shows them 496 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,680 Speaker 1: that you're the boss. You have set a boundary with yourself. 497 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:25,080 Speaker 1: You are giving yourself permission to stop ruminating. The other 498 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:27,680 Speaker 1: biggest gift you can give yourself in those moments is 499 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 1: to eliminate any of the behavioral compulsions which you know 500 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:36,360 Speaker 1: are going to elicit a really emotional reaction. I'm talking 501 00:30:36,360 --> 00:30:41,760 Speaker 1: about stalking their exes, stalking their old tagged photos, asking 502 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:46,880 Speaker 1: endless questions of your partner about their ex information that 503 00:30:46,960 --> 00:30:50,880 Speaker 1: you quite frankly do not need to know. Now, I'm 504 00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 1: using the word compulsion here, because that is what they are. 505 00:30:54,160 --> 00:30:57,720 Speaker 1: They are very difficult to suppress, especially when we have 506 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:03,080 Speaker 1: perhaps gotten used to feeling an anxious thought, feeling compelled 507 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:07,080 Speaker 1: to act in a certain way, and receiving some momentary reassurance. 508 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:09,800 Speaker 1: But it just means that the next time you need reassurance, 509 00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:12,840 Speaker 1: the threshold is higher, and you actually aren't learning how 510 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:17,760 Speaker 1: to control those unconscious spikes of jealousy. You're allowing them 511 00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,120 Speaker 1: to be kind of fueled by all of these behaviors 512 00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:24,560 Speaker 1: that are giving you just more information that could potentially 513 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:27,880 Speaker 1: hurt your feelings, more information that you need to put 514 00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:29,760 Speaker 1: in and find a way to fit into your brain, 515 00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:34,440 Speaker 1: more scenarios to play with. You are just adding more 516 00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:37,480 Speaker 1: fuel to the fire, essentially, And we need to approach 517 00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:39,520 Speaker 1: this on a need to know basis. If it doesn't 518 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:44,000 Speaker 1: impact your current relationship, you quite frankly don't need to know. 519 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 1: It's okay, you don't need to know everything. The uncertainty 520 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:51,120 Speaker 1: that you're feeling in response to that is just a 521 00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:55,200 Speaker 1: feeling you will never know everything. So perhaps if you'll 522 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:58,360 Speaker 1: never know everything, it's better to lowe to know you 523 00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:02,560 Speaker 1: know less rather than more. It's also important to remember 524 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,720 Speaker 1: that your version of your partner's past might not be theirs. 525 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:11,560 Speaker 1: You are creating this mental movie that is probably totally 526 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:15,760 Speaker 1: different from reality, totally different to how it actually was, 527 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,920 Speaker 1: and it is a mental image, a mental movie that 528 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:25,240 Speaker 1: is most certainly leveraging your fears rather than the truth. 529 00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:29,640 Speaker 1: It wants to be extreme. It is extrapolating based on 530 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:33,480 Speaker 1: limited information in a manner that our brain thinks will 531 00:32:33,480 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 1: protect us, but is really harming us and probably lying 532 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:41,120 Speaker 1: to us as well. So it's important to counteract those 533 00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:45,320 Speaker 1: thoughts that have no evidence to them. Has your partner 534 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,000 Speaker 1: given you any indication that they don't want to be 535 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:51,640 Speaker 1: with you? No, have they ever said that they want 536 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,920 Speaker 1: to get back with their ex? No, have they showed 537 00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:58,520 Speaker 1: you any indication, a reasonable indication that they wanted to 538 00:32:59,320 --> 00:33:06,280 Speaker 1: Probably not question the validity of your fearful thoughts. Now. Obviously, 539 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,840 Speaker 1: the example that we are mostly relying on are occasions 540 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:13,400 Speaker 1: where you actually don't have anything to worry about. I 541 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,160 Speaker 1: would say though, that if there are boundaries that are 542 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:20,080 Speaker 1: being crossed, that's giving you a reason to feel jealous 543 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:23,200 Speaker 1: and to feel really terrible. If you feel like this 544 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,680 Speaker 1: person that you're dating, or this person that you're with 545 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,240 Speaker 1: is encouraging that reaction almost as like a self esteem 546 00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:34,800 Speaker 1: boost to them. This does not apply. Everything we've spoken 547 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,160 Speaker 1: about does not apply. That person is not good for you. 548 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:40,560 Speaker 1: You should have a serious conversation with them about why 549 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,160 Speaker 1: they feel the need to do that, why they are 550 00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:46,760 Speaker 1: crossing boundaries that you have set for yourself, why they 551 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:51,120 Speaker 1: are choosing to disrespect you, and find out whether that's 552 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,280 Speaker 1: something that you're going to be willing to work with 553 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:58,080 Speaker 1: them towards fixing, or whether this relationship perhaps is not 554 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:01,320 Speaker 1: the one for you. Because some some times you realize 555 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,600 Speaker 1: that you're actually not crazy, and I'm gonna say crazy 556 00:34:04,600 --> 00:34:07,560 Speaker 1: in quotation marks. You are not the crazy girlfriend or 557 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:10,759 Speaker 1: the crazy partner or the crazy boyfriend. You're actually with 558 00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:15,000 Speaker 1: someone who is manipulating your emotions for their own personal 559 00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:19,000 Speaker 1: gain and for their own sense of confidence and sense 560 00:34:19,040 --> 00:34:22,200 Speaker 1: of self esteem. I've had that in the past where 561 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:26,120 Speaker 1: this person liked seeing me get jealous in a weird, 562 00:34:27,080 --> 00:34:30,919 Speaker 1: twisted way because every time I got jealous, he got 563 00:34:30,920 --> 00:34:33,279 Speaker 1: the reassurance that I wanted to be with him when 564 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:36,440 Speaker 1: I was telling him again and again and again that 565 00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:40,200 Speaker 1: I did, But the jealousy was like this extra terry 566 00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:43,479 Speaker 1: on top and it was so infuriating when I kind 567 00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:46,279 Speaker 1: of began to realize that that was what he was doing, 568 00:34:46,360 --> 00:34:49,839 Speaker 1: because it was not a pleasant emotion, and it was 569 00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:53,440 Speaker 1: putting such a strain on our relationship and causing us 570 00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,080 Speaker 1: to fight all the time, causing me to feel like 571 00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,439 Speaker 1: I wasn't the person I wanted to be in that relationship. 572 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:02,279 Speaker 1: So I'm going to say an important caveat here. If 573 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:06,480 Speaker 1: you're with someone who is deliberately creating feelings of jealousy, 574 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:10,120 Speaker 1: or who is not respecting your boundaries, who is communicating 575 00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:14,280 Speaker 1: with their ex regularly and has no need to, maybe 576 00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:18,400 Speaker 1: that's not the right relationship for you. Maybe you're not 577 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,400 Speaker 1: the problem in those other instances though that we were 578 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:25,359 Speaker 1: speaking about, where it really is just a deep insecurity 579 00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:29,600 Speaker 1: and overthinking. I would say, try not to involve your 580 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:33,400 Speaker 1: partner too much in helping you to solve this problem, 581 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:37,239 Speaker 1: in helping you to address your retroactive jealousy. They can, 582 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:40,520 Speaker 1: of course be a teammate, but they can't be your coach, 583 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,799 Speaker 1: because then we often become too overly reliant on their 584 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:48,200 Speaker 1: reassurance rather than actually addressing the root cause of this problem, 585 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:52,960 Speaker 1: which is that past trauma. Perhaps maybe that lack of 586 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:58,960 Speaker 1: security in your relationship. That insecurity, the overthinking, the self sabotage, 587 00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:01,799 Speaker 1: those are all things that your partner actually can't help 588 00:36:01,840 --> 00:36:04,479 Speaker 1: you with. You will have to do that on your own, 589 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,719 Speaker 1: and putting too much pressure on them to constantly make 590 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:12,400 Speaker 1: you feel better only just exacerbates and continues the cycle 591 00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:16,880 Speaker 1: of retroactive jealousy, never actually causing you to pull yourself 592 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:20,320 Speaker 1: out of that thought pattern and think about the why 593 00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:24,440 Speaker 1: rather than the current present moment and the what, and 594 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,279 Speaker 1: thinking about what can make you feel better? Why not 595 00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:31,160 Speaker 1: think about how can I stop this from occurring in 596 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:34,840 Speaker 1: the first place. Perhaps that is really going to therapy 597 00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:40,040 Speaker 1: and breaking down the content of those harmful memories from 598 00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:45,120 Speaker 1: the past. What wounds are you carrying from past relationships 599 00:36:45,120 --> 00:36:48,360 Speaker 1: that are showing up in your current relationship. Maybe that 600 00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:51,879 Speaker 1: is focusing on working on your own insecurity. Why don't 601 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,520 Speaker 1: you feel adequate? Is it because you have never felt 602 00:36:55,520 --> 00:36:59,439 Speaker 1: particularly confident about your body? Is it because you lack 603 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,600 Speaker 1: the same amat of experience as this person? Is it 604 00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:05,759 Speaker 1: because you feel like you're not in their league or 605 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:10,080 Speaker 1: some other made up idea or basis for weighing and 606 00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:14,840 Speaker 1: judging attractiveness instead of focusing on those things, and this 607 00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:21,480 Speaker 1: is such a basic introduction to addressing insecurity that requires 608 00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:25,040 Speaker 1: a whole episode of its own. But instead of focusing 609 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:26,960 Speaker 1: on all the ways that you may not be as 610 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,640 Speaker 1: good as their ex, that they may be better than you, 611 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:32,680 Speaker 1: that they may be deserving of more, focus on what 612 00:37:32,760 --> 00:37:37,720 Speaker 1: you're amazing at. You are excellent at something, I'm sure 613 00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:41,880 Speaker 1: of it. You excel at many things. There is a 614 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: reason that this person has chosen you, even if you 615 00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:47,719 Speaker 1: are struggling to see it right now. You have so 616 00:37:47,840 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 1: much love to give. You are such a generous person. 617 00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,759 Speaker 1: I'm sure that you are very very kind, or I 618 00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:57,480 Speaker 1: would like to assume so very intelligent. There are so 619 00:37:57,520 --> 00:38:00,879 Speaker 1: many attributes that I think we nor because we want 620 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,680 Speaker 1: to pretend that we're humble, or because we don't want 621 00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:08,080 Speaker 1: to feel immodest or arrogant, and really that can actually 622 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:10,359 Speaker 1: just contribute to us not feeling like we have any 623 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,760 Speaker 1: value at all. Get back in touch with the things 624 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:18,440 Speaker 1: that make you unique, an interesting, and incredible and worthy 625 00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:21,600 Speaker 1: of love, such that you don't need to be comparing 626 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,920 Speaker 1: yourself to this person's ex or their past feelings or 627 00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:30,359 Speaker 1: situationships because you are wholly confident that what you have 628 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:35,600 Speaker 1: is better, what you have with them is better. Now, 629 00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:37,600 Speaker 1: I think that's all we have time for today. I 630 00:38:37,640 --> 00:38:41,200 Speaker 1: really hope that this episode has provided you with something 631 00:38:41,239 --> 00:38:44,240 Speaker 1: to think about, has helped you if you are dealing 632 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:48,000 Speaker 1: with retroactive jealousy. I didn't want to approach this with 633 00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 1: too much shame, because I know sometimes we can really 634 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,640 Speaker 1: get confused when it comes to this form of jealousy 635 00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:57,319 Speaker 1: and think that it means that we're possessive, or that 636 00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:00,920 Speaker 1: where all these number of bad things, when actually I 637 00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:03,480 Speaker 1: do just think that it comes from a lot of 638 00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:07,120 Speaker 1: hurt that we need to heal. Retroactive jealousy is just 639 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:12,399 Speaker 1: a sign of some internal damage or some internal insecurity 640 00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:16,160 Speaker 1: that our mind is calling on us to address. So 641 00:39:16,560 --> 00:39:18,719 Speaker 1: I'm sending you a lot of love. This is a 642 00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,480 Speaker 1: lot more common than you think. So you are not 643 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,440 Speaker 1: alone in this feeling. You're not a bad person because 644 00:39:23,440 --> 00:39:25,759 Speaker 1: you ruminate on somebody else's past, But you do have 645 00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:30,200 Speaker 1: a responsibility to yourself and to your relationship, to your partner, 646 00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:32,560 Speaker 1: to the person that you want to be with. To 647 00:39:32,719 --> 00:39:35,840 Speaker 1: get to the root cause of why this is occurring, 648 00:39:36,239 --> 00:39:39,319 Speaker 1: it will take hard work. It will take a lot 649 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:42,600 Speaker 1: of honesty and vulnerability. But once you do that, I 650 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,840 Speaker 1: think you eradicate a lot of the negativity that is 651 00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,560 Speaker 1: making you feel shameful about yourself or making you feel 652 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:52,759 Speaker 1: making you question the state of your relationship. So thank 653 00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:55,160 Speaker 1: you so much for listening. If there is someone that 654 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:58,600 Speaker 1: you believe needs to hear this episode, please feel free 655 00:39:58,680 --> 00:40:00,920 Speaker 1: to share it with them and leave a five star 656 00:40:01,000 --> 00:40:05,600 Speaker 1: review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. 657 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:09,320 Speaker 1: If you have an episode suggestion, this episode was actually 658 00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:12,719 Speaker 1: an episode suggestion, please feel free to message me at 659 00:40:12,719 --> 00:40:16,800 Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast on Instagram or you can follow me 660 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:21,280 Speaker 1: at genis Bak if you have any ideas for upcoming episodes, topics, 661 00:40:21,719 --> 00:40:23,719 Speaker 1: anything you want us to discuss, and we will be 662 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:28,000 Speaker 1: back next week with another episode.