Speaker 1: Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadrik lover to wab and
Speaker 1: you need to hear this. When we start romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: sometimes we are looking for a particular thing and a
Speaker 1: particular person. Perhaps we are looking for something completely opposite
Speaker 1: than what we experienced in our last relationship, or maybe
Speaker 1: we're looking for fun, or maybe we are looking for
Speaker 1: someone to rescue us. After being in a relationship with
Speaker 1: someone for a few years, we may start to realize
Speaker 1: that thing that I needed so much of in the
Speaker 1: beginning is no longer what I need. And now I'm
Speaker 1: in this relationship with this person who met me one
Speaker 1: way and I've completely changed or my needs have changed.
Speaker 1: How do I show up in a different way? How
Speaker 1: do you show up when the person you meet is
Speaker 1: very different from who they presented as. So today we
Speaker 1: will be talking about one reclaiming your identity and reclaiming
Speaker 1: yourself a statement a relationship. But I'll tell you right off,
Speaker 1: relationships would be much healthier if we did some work
Speaker 1: around not only what we want, but why and exploring
Speaker 1: is that something we need to offer ourselves or something
Speaker 1: that we need to expect from our partners. Let's get
Speaker 1: started with today's letter.
Speaker 2: Hi Nindra, thank you so much for all of your
Speaker 2: impactful work. Your responses to others issues have been a
Speaker 2: huge help to me, and I hope that others can
Speaker 2: resonate with my situation and get help as well. Where
Speaker 2: do I begin. My husband and I have been married
Speaker 2: for eight years and we have a three year old son.
Speaker 2: I met amount of time in my life when I
Speaker 2: need a direction and I wasn't sure if the choices
Speaker 2: I was making in my career and personal life or
Speaker 2: leading to the life that I want, which was to
Speaker 2: be a successful working mother with a supportive husband, and
Speaker 2: we would grow with each other as we faced life's adventures.
Speaker 2: We had a whirl when romance moved in together after
Speaker 2: five months, were engaged at eight months, moved to another
Speaker 2: state together four months later, and got married a year
Speaker 2: after that. We moved so fast that I didn't recognize
Speaker 2: certain aspects of my husband until it felt too late
Speaker 2: to get out of the relationship.
Speaker 1: He grew up.
Speaker 2: Watching his father emotionally and physically abuse his mom, and
Speaker 2: my husband displays many of the behaviors typical of someone
Speaker 2: who was emotionally abusive. He likes to control my behavior choices, speech, appearance,
Speaker 2: parenting style, and my relationship with others. He's also extremely
Speaker 2: critical of everything I do, and he constantly nags and
Speaker 2: complains about things that I do, from the food I
Speaker 2: cook to how I clean our home to what I
Speaker 2: decide to do. When I finally have a moment to myself,
Speaker 2: it makes me feel so small and I don't feel
Speaker 2: loved or respected in this marriage. I don't feel comfortable
Speaker 2: to be myself. I walk on eggshells all day and
Speaker 2: I feel like I don't have an identity of my
Speaker 2: own anymore since my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of
Speaker 2: how to appease him. I never saw myself as someone
Speaker 2: that was weak until I met him, and it seems
Speaker 2: like I'm always failing to meet his unrealistic expectations. I've
Speaker 2: been successful in my career and used to have fruitful
Speaker 2: and strong relationships, and now I feel like I've lost
Speaker 2: myself as well as been isolated for my friends and family.
Speaker 2: After adjusting to life as a mom and surviving in
Speaker 2: this emotionally abusive marriage.
Speaker 1: There is a lot to process here. The first thing
Speaker 1: that is coming to mind is when did you start
Speaker 1: to notice these shifts where you are willing participant. Sometimes
Speaker 1: we look at others and we say, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: they made me lose myself When there is some responsibility
Speaker 1: and giving ourselves away, and it doesn't happen immediately, it
Speaker 1: sort of happens over time. We can get so excited
Speaker 1: about people loving us and caring for us that we
Speaker 1: just give them everything. Well what do you think about
Speaker 1: this thing? Should I wear this? What do you think
Speaker 1: about that? And over time it becomes the voice that
Speaker 1: they use with us. They are now the criticizer. They
Speaker 1: are now this person who who knows how much we
Speaker 1: value what they have to say and what they think.
Speaker 1: One of the things I've seen work really really well
Speaker 1: with this is gaining some courage and strength through therapy.
Speaker 1: You need a person where you can be absolutely honest
Speaker 1: with about what's happening, so that you're constantly reminded what's
Speaker 1: happening is not normal, what's being said is uncomfortable, and
Speaker 1: here are some ways that you can start to manage it.
Speaker 1: When you don't have those relationships with family and friends,
Speaker 1: it's very important that you build those relationships somewhere. Maybe
Speaker 1: it's therapy, you know, maybe it's a support group, but
Speaker 1: it needs to be some level of support so you're
Speaker 1: not isolated in this, because as long as you're isolated,
Speaker 1: you will not be able to work through some of
Speaker 1: this stuff, because, let's face it, he is your only
Speaker 1: support right now. You have to find some other people
Speaker 1: who can help build your self esteem, who can help
Speaker 1: you reidentify some of those things that you've lost over
Speaker 1: time because you're walking on eggshells and trying to figure
Speaker 1: out what's happening here. One of my favorite movies is
Speaker 1: The Color Purple, and in this movie, the main character, Seeley,
Speaker 1: She is sent to live with this man who is
Speaker 1: emotionally abusive and physically abusive. She loses her self esteem,
Speaker 1: she completely loses her identity, and it's not until she
Speaker 1: discovers I'm telling the whole movie, Oh my gosh, spoiler alert.
Speaker 1: I forgot to say that, it's not until she discovers
Speaker 1: the secret that he's been keeping. I won't say what
Speaker 1: the secret is. There, I've saved something that she's able
Speaker 1: to start unwrapping some of the damage that has been done,
Speaker 1: and she slowly gains courage and her voice and she
Speaker 1: starts to use it, and it's, oh my gosh, it's
Speaker 1: so offensive. To him, there are times when because of
Speaker 1: a relationship, we slowly start to lose parts of ourselves,
Speaker 1: and there is an event, there is a person, there
Speaker 1: is a relationship that we can have like such as
Speaker 1: that with a therapist or with a friend that can
Speaker 1: really pull us out to show us this is who
Speaker 1: you are, don't you remember? Let's keep listening to hear
Speaker 1: more about this story.
Speaker 2: Additionally, we decided to move to a new city, San Diego,
Speaker 2: a year and a half ago, to care for a
Speaker 2: sick mother and get support from his family to help
Speaker 2: with our son. But the move was an absolute nightmare.
Speaker 2: My husband decided to leave his job and start his
Speaker 2: own company once he moved, but his business is not
Speaker 2: profitable yet and this has been a huge blow to
Speaker 2: his ego, causing him to be more depressed and take
Speaker 2: out his frustrations on others close to him. We live
Speaker 2: with my mother in law, and her behavior in the
Speaker 2: general home environment has been toxic since we moved here.
Speaker 2: She and my husband argued constantly for our first year
Speaker 2: here about so many things, bills, the past, their ideas
Speaker 2: of how our son should be raised, how the house
Speaker 2: should be managed. I got dragged into many of the
Speaker 2: arguments and was often placed in the middle as a
Speaker 2: mediator or for them to use me as someone to
Speaker 2: co sign on their viewpoint. Things have been more civil
Speaker 2: among all of us now, but my relationship with her
Speaker 2: is now ruined, and our relationship with my son is
Speaker 2: now strained as well. She's worried she will upset my
Speaker 2: husband by getting close to her grandson.
Speaker 1: I'm hearing that he is not only abusive in the
Speaker 1: relationship with you. There's this dynamic playing out with him
Speaker 1: and his mom as well, and it sounds like there
Speaker 1: could be some allyship there, and I hear the fear
Speaker 1: on your part, But that may be the person in
Speaker 1: this with you, or at least having the conversation to
Speaker 1: open the floor and say, what do you think about
Speaker 1: what he said? When? What do you think about this
Speaker 1: thing that he did last week? You know, having that conversation,
Speaker 1: you may be able to understand her position and be
Speaker 1: able to even get some courage and inspiration from that,
Speaker 1: like oh my gosh, like this could be you. You know,
Speaker 1: this could be a cycle repeating. You now have a
Speaker 1: son who's watching this dynamic and it seems like his
Speaker 1: mother is being treated by him how she was treated
Speaker 1: by his father, So I would talk more about this
Speaker 1: a bit openly, just to see where her head is
Speaker 1: and if she's aware of what's happening. If she's aware
Speaker 1: of what's even happening with you, let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: As you can imagine, it's been exhausting managing the issues
Speaker 2: in my marriage, plus the contentious environment in the home
Speaker 2: with my mother in law, plus raising a toddler in
Speaker 2: a new city without my friends and family, plus serving
Speaker 2: as the breadwinner and taking on the pressure of managing
Speaker 2: everything in the household while my husband builds his business.
Speaker 2: A month ago, I got the courage to tell my
Speaker 2: husband I went out of the relationship. I went out
Speaker 2: of the marriage, and I need to move back to
Speaker 2: my hometown as soon as logistically possible. I let him
Speaker 2: know that I don't feel loved or appreciated and this
Speaker 2: isn't how I want to live my life anymore. I
Speaker 2: just have had enough of the stress and anxiety, and
Speaker 2: I don't want my son to be influenced by the
Speaker 2: toxicity anymore, or for him to see me as someone
Speaker 2: who is weak and letting others. My husband, my mother
Speaker 2: in law disrespects me. I don't want him to think
Speaker 2: this behavior is okay. I want to be just as
Speaker 2: strong in my home life as I am in my
Speaker 2: professional life, which I absolutely thrive in and have received
Speaker 2: multiple promotions in the last two years, despite the craziness
Speaker 2: going on in my personal life.
Speaker 1: I hear that you have some healthy self esteem, and
Speaker 1: that healthy self esteem seems to play out in the
Speaker 1: work environment. You know, we can be different parts of
Speaker 1: ourselves depending on the atmosphere of the environment we're in.
Speaker 1: So it's already in you to do the standing up,
Speaker 1: to be assertive, to do a wonderful job as a human.
Speaker 1: You already do it at work, and I'm sure you
Speaker 1: do it as a mother. It's very interesting because of
Speaker 1: the environment with him, you're not able to tap into
Speaker 1: what's already manifested in you. It's already there. You're not
Speaker 1: doing anything different, you're learning any new skills. You already
Speaker 1: have the tools. What I'm hearing with you saying, hey,
Speaker 1: this marriage is not working. I don't feel love or
Speaker 1: appreciate it. It reminds me of the atmosphere we're in
Speaker 1: with women initiating more divorces in this season. You know,
Speaker 1: I'm hearing a lack of appreciation and over time, that
Speaker 1: resentment does turn into stress and anger and anxiety. Because
Speaker 1: you want to be noticed for the good that you do.
Speaker 1: We want to hear good job, Oh thank you so
Speaker 1: much for cooking. Oh thank you so much. You do
Speaker 1: such a wonderful job with our son. You take care
Speaker 1: of the home so well. And I know that sounds
Speaker 1: like what who would say that you know a person
Speaker 1: who appreciates you. A thank you can happen at any time,
Speaker 1: and it can be for anything. It can be for
Speaker 1: you picking something up off the floor. So it is
Speaker 1: so important to very many of us that we are
Speaker 1: seeing in the way of being thanked. That is how
Speaker 1: you appreciate us. It's not you know, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: you have to write a card and send balloons and
Speaker 1: all this stuff. Sometimes I think you can go a
Speaker 1: long way. I love a thank you, and I love
Speaker 1: to send a thank you card. I love to tell
Speaker 1: people thank you. That is such a powerful phrase. And
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing is you're not being thank You're not
Speaker 1: being appreciated. No one is seeing, you know, your hard
Speaker 1: work in all of these environments, and instead you're getting
Speaker 1: this passive aggressive response of you could be doing more
Speaker 1: or this is what I think about this, ah dinner,
Speaker 1: This is what you may that is very hurtful, and yes,
Speaker 1: it is very harmful. Again, you know, I think you
Speaker 1: need some support around this. When people end up in
Speaker 1: unhealthy relationships, it can be quite embarrassing to share with
Speaker 1: other people, to let people know what you've been going through.
Speaker 1: But what I will say is, once we speak about
Speaker 1: the things we're going through, you will be shocked and
Speaker 1: utterly surprised by other people who've been dealing with the
Speaker 1: same stuff, who may have some words of encouragement for you,
Speaker 1: who may have some resources for you that can be
Speaker 1: very supportive for you in this season. So keeping quiet
Speaker 1: is actually keeping that support away. Keeping quiet is more
Speaker 1: harmful than you sang to someone who you know, maybe
Speaker 1: you haven't spoke to them in a while, and you
Speaker 1: can open up and say, hey, you know, I know
Speaker 1: it's been a few months, I haven't called. There's been
Speaker 1: a lot on my mind and I just want to
Speaker 1: tell you I am very drained by my marriage. This
Speaker 1: is what I'm going through. Let people know. Maybe not everybody.
Speaker 1: You know, it's your business. You don't have to tell everyone,
Speaker 1: but it can be really helpful to tell some people
Speaker 1: who have the capacity to listen and to be there
Speaker 1: for you about what's happening with you, because when you're
Speaker 1: operating an isolation, I'm sure you're living in this sort
Speaker 1: of questioned city, like was that weird? Do he mean that?
Speaker 1: What did he mean by this? What is that? You know,
Speaker 1: like all of these questions when in actuality, if you
Speaker 1: talk to someone about this and just say, hey, this
Speaker 1: is what was said, someone could say, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: that's that's mean, that's not normal. I can't believe he
Speaker 1: said that. Like, you know, you can get some feedback
Speaker 1: from someone from a friend, from a family member, and
Speaker 1: heck yeah, from a therapist. You need some support around
Speaker 1: this issue, and the support is not going to be
Speaker 1: offered with your son. You know he is. He is
Speaker 1: charming and sweet, I'm sure, but he needs to have
Speaker 1: the opportunity to be in healthy relationships himself. So think
Speaker 1: of you getting some help as showing him a path
Speaker 1: for receiving some help as well, some support around managing
Speaker 1: his emotions, because he is now an environment where he's
Speaker 1: not seeing people do well, is particularly d with managing
Speaker 1: his reaction to things, So it can be very helpful
Speaker 1: in many ways for you to work on some of
Speaker 1: this stuff. I know you have a ton of questions
Speaker 1: about what you're going through, and after this break we
Speaker 1: will get back to those questions. You know, as we
Speaker 1: were on break, I thought about this listical I created
Speaker 1: a few years ago, and it is ten signs of
Speaker 1: emotional abuse. Let's go through the ten. Number one, the
Speaker 1: silent treatment. That is when someone refuses to speak to
Speaker 1: you when you are direct speaking to them. We may
Speaker 1: say something to them and they're like, you're not even here,
Speaker 1: You're invisible, right, So the silent treatment. Number two blaming
Speaker 1: others for your feelings. It is your thought. I am angry.
Speaker 1: I am mad because you made me mad because you
Speaker 1: didn't clean out the dishwasher. Number three. Manipulating to get
Speaker 1: what you want, you know, trying to intentionally change someone's
Speaker 1: feelings because you want something. Number four Intentionally shaming someone,
Speaker 1: trying to make them feel bad. Oh, if you don't
Speaker 1: help me, then blank, right, So I'm going to make
Speaker 1: you feel bad enough that you will help me. You
Speaker 1: will do this thing that I need you to do.
Speaker 1: Five Ridiculing someone for expressing emotions. Oh, look at you,
Speaker 1: you're crying. What are you crying about? You're always crying
Speaker 1: about stuff. Oh you're sad? You know. I think it
Speaker 1: sounds as I'm saying this, it sounds very childlike. But
Speaker 1: in adult relationships we do this, you know, we ridicule
Speaker 1: people for having an expression of emotion. Why are you crying?
Speaker 1: Why are you upset? What are you sad about? And
Speaker 1: they know exactly what it is because they just did something,
Speaker 1: you know, explosive to make you feel that way. Number
Speaker 1: six Ignoring a person when they express their feelings or thoughts,
Speaker 1: not even listening to you, right like, I heard you
Speaker 1: say that, but I also did not hear you say that.
Speaker 1: Number seven. Not responding to be is for comfort when
Speaker 1: you are upset and a person caused it, and you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: can you hold my hand? Can we talk through this?
Speaker 1: Can you? You know, all of these things in a
Speaker 1: person's like no, you sit there and suffer. You know,
Speaker 1: it's almost like a taunting that some people can do sometimes.
Speaker 1: Number eight telling someone how they should or should not feel.
Speaker 1: You don't have anything to be upset about. You don't
Speaker 1: need to cry about that. Why are you angry? You're
Speaker 1: the one who said this to me. Nine gaslighting, which
Speaker 1: kind of encompasses all of the above, trying to make
Speaker 1: you feel as if what happened did not happen. You know,
Speaker 1: gaslighting is one of the biggest signs and probably most
Speaker 1: prominent signs of emotional abuse that we see, making someone
Speaker 1: question their sanity, making someone question what they feel or
Speaker 1: what they saw happen. And number ten ignoring attempts to
Speaker 1: communicate when you're trying to work through something and the
Speaker 1: person isn't clear like, hey, I'll talk to you about
Speaker 1: it later. They're just like, I'm not talking about it.
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about it, with no indication that they
Speaker 1: will follow up on it. You know, if it happens
Speaker 1: often enough, it can be a bit abusive. You know,
Speaker 1: any one of these things, occasionally, I would not say
Speaker 1: is abuse. It's human nature to maybe manipulate sometimes sometimes
Speaker 1: we do get caught up and you know, not responding
Speaker 1: to someone's bids for comfort. But if this is the
Speaker 1: way that a person responds ninety nine point nine percent
Speaker 1: of the time, then there may be some things happening
Speaker 1: that are not one offs. It is not just you know,
Speaker 1: a poor decision on this particular day. It's a pattern
Speaker 1: of behaviors. You give me the silent treatment. Often I
Speaker 1: can tell you five times in the last week, you
Speaker 1: stop talking to me. I've seen this play out where
Speaker 1: couples will say, yeah, we haven't talked to each other
Speaker 1: in two weeks. What do they mean by that? It's
Speaker 1: been like you have our son, Okay, bye, that's the
Speaker 1: conversation for two weeks. It's only based on that one
Speaker 1: thing where I'm not asking you for anything, I'm not
Speaker 1: telling you when dinner's ready, I just will not talk
Speaker 1: to you. So some of these things it becomes a
Speaker 1: part of the relationship dynamic, not just with you know,
Speaker 1: the one person being emotionally withdrawn or abusive, but you
Speaker 1: can start to mimic some of this stuff too in
Speaker 1: response to other people in our relationship. We have to
Speaker 1: look at both parties right. Sometimes we're like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: this person is always doing this thing to me, and
Speaker 1: I wonder, even in our desire to protect ourselves, what
Speaker 1: are we doing. You know, sometimes we're doing nothing and
Speaker 1: sometimes we are doing something. So be aware of what
Speaker 1: you might be bringing to the situation as well. Are
Speaker 1: you the person who blames that person for having feelings
Speaker 1: when you've created some dynamic. This isn't necessarily for the
Speaker 1: letter writer, this is for all of us because we
Speaker 1: need to be aware of ourselves in relationships. Am I
Speaker 1: gaslighting this person because I just told them that that
Speaker 1: didn't happen a way that they thought it did. Maybe
Speaker 1: I am? Wow. There is power and self correction. So
Speaker 1: if you notice yourself doing any of these things in
Speaker 1: a partnership and a friendship and a family ship and
Speaker 1: a coworkership, please correct yourself. We're not looking for here,
Speaker 1: but we are looking for practice. So just do a
Speaker 1: little bit better next time, or go back and say,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, the other day, you know, you were
Speaker 1: trying to tell me something and I completely shut you down.
Speaker 1: My apologies. Do you want to talk to me about
Speaker 1: it now? So there are ways to get out of
Speaker 1: these behaviors. Is you notice that you're the perpetrator? Because
Speaker 1: to some extent, maybe we all do this, but not
Speaker 1: all the time. It's problematic when we are the person
Speaker 1: who's constantly in this set of behaviors. Let's get back
Speaker 1: to those questions from the letter writer. So my main
Speaker 1: questions are, first, how can I start to rebuild my
Speaker 1: self esteem after nearly a decade of being put down
Speaker 1: by my partner? I know there's so much to learn
Speaker 1: from my mistakes, and I'm already feeling stronger than I
Speaker 1: have in a really long time. But how can I
Speaker 1: keep this momentum up while navigating the separation and pending
Speaker 1: the force. I started reading self help books when I
Speaker 1: was in high school, and my introduction to self help
Speaker 1: was Ayala van zand I was really drawn to her
Speaker 1: personality and I liked her books. One of the books
Speaker 1: I read that I often recommend to clients is In
Speaker 1: the Meantime. Now, imagine me a sixteen seventeen year old
Speaker 1: girl reading In the Meantime, which is about you know
Speaker 1: what to do when you're in this rocky place in
Speaker 1: your relationship or when you're between, you know, dating relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm reading this book. A lot of the scenarios at
Speaker 1: the time did not apply to me, but I thought
Speaker 1: it would be good preparation for my place in the world,
Speaker 1: because we all end up in relationships at some point,
Speaker 1: so I just wanted to know what might be headed
Speaker 1: my way. So I'm going to recommend that book because
Speaker 1: I'm hearing some of those scenarios that I read in
Speaker 1: that book, which I have read again as a full
Speaker 1: fledged adult, playing out in your relationship, and it can
Speaker 1: be very helpful for us to identify with the stories
Speaker 1: of others, to have some sort of guide to help
Speaker 1: us along the way. So the book that I would
Speaker 1: recommend for self esteem rebuilding after a difficult relationship is
Speaker 1: In the Meantime. Another book that is coming to mind
Speaker 1: is Whole Again, Whole Again. In that book, it talks
Speaker 1: about how to repair yourself after all of the emotional abuse,
Speaker 1: how to recover from toxic relationships. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: newer tips about things to do. So I would say
Speaker 1: those two books would be very helpful.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: For in the meantime, there's a journal to accompany the
Speaker 1: book that could be really helpful. So if you buy
Speaker 1: the book or if you buy the journal, it could
Speaker 1: be helpful for processing some of those things. I'm a
Speaker 1: fan of a journal, and I will tell you why
Speaker 1: I love a guided journal based on whatever issue you're
Speaker 1: experiencing in life, because it will give you all of
Speaker 1: the questions to do the work. So if you are
Speaker 1: working through a challenge with having a partner who has
Speaker 1: a substance abuse issue, there is a workbook for that.
Speaker 1: There's a workbook for that. And guess what you know.
Speaker 1: It'll go through all these areas of the relationship that
Speaker 1: maybe you didn't even think about. And I think it's
Speaker 1: a great way to prepare to go to therapy or
Speaker 1: even to show up in the therapy space. I always
Speaker 1: recommend a good old work book to my clients. If
Speaker 1: we don't do the pages together, sometimes I'll pull it
Speaker 1: out and I'll say, Okay, here's a page, or let's
Speaker 1: talk about this. It's not even you have to feel
Speaker 1: this in and do this activity. Let's just talk about this.
Speaker 1: Let's look at these workbook questions because I may not
Speaker 1: even know what to ask, but someone does. There's a
Speaker 1: workbook for that. Let's move on to the next question.
Speaker 2: How do I reclaim my identity when so much of
Speaker 2: my intention has been drawn elsewhere. I don't even know
Speaker 2: where to start when it comes to caring for myself,
Speaker 2: figuring out who I really am now since so much
Speaker 2: has changed since becoming a mom.
Speaker 1: I feel like this episode is about to be a
Speaker 1: whole episode about book recommendations, because the thing that I
Speaker 1: am hearing the most is there's a lot of work
Speaker 1: to be done around personality recovery, identity, lifestyle transition, and
Speaker 1: that reminds me that there's not one thing you need
Speaker 1: to do. There are many things that need to be done.
Speaker 1: You know, you can rest and pause. But a book
Speaker 1: is coming to mind. I'm thinking of a book called
Speaker 1: mom Brain. I'm thinking of another book that could be
Speaker 1: really good for this, called self nurture. You're going through
Speaker 1: so many things at once. When you become a mom,
Speaker 1: many of us take on the new identity as mom.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm no longer Nadra, I'm this kid's mom,
Speaker 1: and you are still yourself. You are still in there
Speaker 1: steal a person with needs, even though this little human
Speaker 1: has a ton of needs, even though your husband has
Speaker 1: a ton of needs, even though his mom, even though
Speaker 1: the household you have all the same needs that you've
Speaker 1: always had and you're just adding more to it. So
Speaker 1: there is this harmony that we have to create to
Speaker 1: make sure we are taking care of ourselves really, really well.
Speaker 1: And one way that I think we can do that
Speaker 1: better is to learn how we have to learn how
Speaker 1: we have to become educated about taking care of ourselves
Speaker 1: in this role of being a mother, of being a father,
Speaker 1: of you know, even being a friend. We have to
Speaker 1: learn how to be friends. Sometimes we have to learn
Speaker 1: how to be in healthy relationships, because you can see
Speaker 1: what happens when we don't learn anything. We just repeat
Speaker 1: what we've seen, We repeat what we know others have done,
Speaker 1: and it's not always best and most of the time
Speaker 1: it's a disaster. And in this situation you describe, your
Speaker 1: husband has seen this stuff and now he's just repeating it.
Speaker 1: It would have been so helpful to learn something different
Speaker 1: that comes from maybe not our environments, it can come
Speaker 1: from educating ourselves about how to show up as a
Speaker 1: healthy being in our relationships with others. Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: I'm doing so much reflecting the help of my therapist
Speaker 2: on things I should have healed before starting my relationship
Speaker 2: with my husband, and developing plans to do even more
Speaker 2: healing and growing so that I can be my best self.
Speaker 2: Feelings of guilt and regret often creep up while doing
Speaker 2: this work, not to mention that I feel like I'm
Speaker 2: doing this own loan. Since I've been isolated for my
Speaker 2: friends and family and to the controlling marriage. What can
Speaker 2: I do to move past those negative thoughts and strengthen
Speaker 2: compassion for myself and the situation I put myself in.
Speaker 1: I'm so happy to hear your going to a therapist.
Speaker 1: Take all of these book recommendations, these workbook recommendations, take
Speaker 1: them back to your therapist and see what they feel about.
Speaker 1: You know, some of these things. It can be really
Speaker 1: helpful for us to figure out, you know, how we
Speaker 1: got ourselves to this point. But what is the most
Speaker 1: pressing thing right now? Whatever is happening right now? It's
Speaker 1: not oh my gosh, five years ago I was in
Speaker 1: this space. It's like, girl, he yelled at me yesterday,
Speaker 1: right like, that's what we need to work through. It's
Speaker 1: wonderful to know how you got here and all those things.
Speaker 1: But I would say there are some solution focused approaches
Speaker 1: that could be really helpful here. What do you do
Speaker 1: next time when he says this thing? What do you
Speaker 1: do when he tries to demean you? How do you
Speaker 1: respond to him being upset when you say no? Those
Speaker 1: are the things that could be helpful right now? Why
Speaker 1: you got here? You spoke about it. It was a whirlwind.
Speaker 1: He was very nice, and let's face it, people and
Speaker 1: they were jerks. On a first date, you would not
Speaker 1: be here. I'm sure. He was charming, wonderful, His cologne
Speaker 1: smelled good, his fingernails was clipped, he was funny, all
Speaker 1: of the things you would not be with a monster
Speaker 1: who bopped you over the head on the first date.
Speaker 1: It doesn't happen that way. There is a process to it, right,
Speaker 1: So how did you get here? And oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm a terrible person. You're a person who believed in
Speaker 1: other human beings, you were hopeful, you thought love was love.
Speaker 1: You listen to your mother's, your friends, like you've watched
Speaker 1: some movies like this is what we expect, and hopefully
Speaker 1: that happens. Hopefully that happens. Every once in a while.
Speaker 1: It does not. And I'm saying every once in a
Speaker 1: while loosely, but that's what I want to believe. But
Speaker 1: sometimes it does not happen that way. It doesn't mean,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, I was picking the wrong things unless
Speaker 1: they were right with the right person. A lot of
Speaker 1: these things we do in the beginning, you know, It's like,
Speaker 1: with the right person, this wouldn't be an issue five
Speaker 1: years later. So some of this stuff you may pick
Speaker 1: apart about yourself. Oh I should have did this. It
Speaker 1: was this thing, it was that thing. It's like, this
Speaker 1: may have been a situation of the person and not
Speaker 1: the behavior. Let's keep listening.
Speaker 2: Realistically, can the relationships with my mother in law and
Speaker 2: my husband be salvaged. I don't want to be connected
Speaker 2: to him romantically anymore, but we will need to have
Speaker 2: a good working relationship moving forward so that we can
Speaker 2: raise our son from our respective households dual custody. Since
Speaker 2: I told him my decision to leave, he has not
Speaker 2: been critical, has not controlled me, and we've been able
Speaker 2: to be cordial and handle logistics of parenting together. He
Speaker 2: recognized his part and my decision, but I don't think
Speaker 2: he's going to change how he is, which is why
Speaker 2: I am moving on. I just don't know how long
Speaker 2: this peace will last. I'm terrified that I'll start trying
Speaker 2: to micromanage how I raise my son when he's with me.
Speaker 2: I'm leaving because I don't have the freedom to be myself.
Speaker 2: I just want to make sure I have the tools
Speaker 2: to maintain that freedom. Details are important to note. We
Speaker 2: attended couples therapy prior to our moved to San Diego
Speaker 2: and I found it helpful, but my husband did not,
Speaker 2: and he decided that we would manage things on our own.
Speaker 2: We each have our own therapists who have been helping
Speaker 2: us grow separately since moving to San Diego, and we're
Speaker 2: still currently in the same household, but I will be
Speaker 2: moving out in a month. Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 1: Years ago, I read this book called The Choice by
Speaker 1: doctor Edith Ecker, and she spoke about being married for
Speaker 1: thirty plus years and divorcing her husband because she built
Speaker 1: so much resentment. She was upset at her mental load
Speaker 1: in the relationship, she was doing the primary parenting, just
Speaker 1: all of these things. She got so upset. They went
Speaker 1: their separate ways, they started dating other people, and she
Speaker 1: started to realize, oh my gosh, it was me. It
Speaker 1: was me, me stopping me from being able to show
Speaker 1: up in that relationship. I was looking for him to
Speaker 1: grant me permission to do these things that I could
Speaker 1: have been doing. So sometimes taking some space away from
Speaker 1: a situation, we can see maybe this person isn't really
Speaker 1: hold to be back now. They are providing some discomfort
Speaker 1: in the environment, but I can still be myself. It
Speaker 1: may not be comfortable for them, they may not like
Speaker 1: some things, but that doesn't mean that I can't do
Speaker 1: those things. So, whether you are in a marriage with him,
Speaker 1: you are in a co parenting relationship, you will have
Speaker 1: to show up as yourself, so some of your work
Speaker 1: will be figuring out how to be yourself with a
Speaker 1: difficult person. He may be unwilling to make that easier
Speaker 1: for you, but it's what you have to do. You
Speaker 1: need to hear this. Some people will not create an
Speaker 1: environment for us to be ourselves, and we still need
Speaker 1: to be ourselves. You need to hear this. Is an
Speaker 1: iHeart production hosted by me Nedra Glover to wob Our
Speaker 1: executive producer is Joel Barnique. Our senior producer and editor
Speaker 1: is Mia don Taylor. Send us a voice memo with
Speaker 1: your questions about boundaries and relationships at You need to
Speaker 1: Hear this at iHeartMedia dot com. Please be sure to
Speaker 1: rate our show wherever you listen to it, and share
Speaker 1: this episode with someone who needs to hear this. Talk
Speaker 1: to you next time.