WEBVTT - Remain Yourself in Every Environment 0:00:01.360 --> 0:00:04.920 Hi, listeners, welcome back. I'm Nadrik lover to wab and 0:00:05.000 --> 0:00:10.840 you need to hear this. When we start romantic relationships, 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:14.720 sometimes we are looking for a particular thing and a 0:00:14.760 --> 0:00:20.000 particular person. Perhaps we are looking for something completely opposite 0:00:20.040 --> 0:00:24.040 than what we experienced in our last relationship, or maybe 0:00:24.079 --> 0:00:27.200 we're looking for fun, or maybe we are looking for 0:00:27.240 --> 0:00:32.879 someone to rescue us. After being in a relationship with 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:36.559 someone for a few years, we may start to realize 0:00:36.760 --> 0:00:39.320 that thing that I needed so much of in the 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:42.640 beginning is no longer what I need. And now I'm 0:00:42.680 --> 0:00:45.600 in this relationship with this person who met me one 0:00:45.640 --> 0:00:50.440 way and I've completely changed or my needs have changed. 0:00:50.479 --> 0:00:52.720 How do I show up in a different way? How 0:00:52.760 --> 0:00:56.520 do you show up when the person you meet is 0:00:56.760 --> 0:01:00.279 very different from who they presented as. So today we 0:01:00.320 --> 0:01:06.480 will be talking about one reclaiming your identity and reclaiming 0:01:06.520 --> 0:01:10.080 yourself a statement a relationship. But I'll tell you right off, 0:01:11.480 --> 0:01:16.360 relationships would be much healthier if we did some work 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:21.759 around not only what we want, but why and exploring 0:01:22.160 --> 0:01:25.600 is that something we need to offer ourselves or something 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:29.800 that we need to expect from our partners. Let's get 0:01:29.840 --> 0:01:31.240 started with today's letter. 0:01:32.880 --> 0:01:35.720 Hi Nindra, thank you so much for all of your 0:01:35.760 --> 0:01:39.400 impactful work. Your responses to others issues have been a 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.760 huge help to me, and I hope that others can 0:01:42.800 --> 0:01:46.240 resonate with my situation and get help as well. Where 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:48.960 do I begin. My husband and I have been married 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:50.920 for eight years and we have a three year old son. 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:53.280 I met amount of time in my life when I 0:01:53.320 --> 0:01:56.160 need a direction and I wasn't sure if the choices 0:01:56.600 --> 0:01:58.760 I was making in my career and personal life or 0:01:58.800 --> 0:02:01.480 leading to the life that I want, which was to 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:06.200 be a successful working mother with a supportive husband, and 0:02:06.240 --> 0:02:09.799 we would grow with each other as we faced life's adventures. 0:02:10.520 --> 0:02:13.520 We had a whirl when romance moved in together after 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:17.280 five months, were engaged at eight months, moved to another 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:20.200 state together four months later, and got married a year 0:02:20.240 --> 0:02:23.600 after that. We moved so fast that I didn't recognize 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:26.000 certain aspects of my husband until it felt too late 0:02:26.040 --> 0:02:27.279 to get out of the relationship. 0:02:28.800 --> 0:02:29.320 He grew up. 0:02:29.280 --> 0:02:33.040 Watching his father emotionally and physically abuse his mom, and 0:02:33.280 --> 0:02:36.320 my husband displays many of the behaviors typical of someone 0:02:36.360 --> 0:02:42.800 who was emotionally abusive. He likes to control my behavior choices, speech, appearance, 0:02:42.919 --> 0:02:46.560 parenting style, and my relationship with others. He's also extremely 0:02:46.639 --> 0:02:51.080 critical of everything I do, and he constantly nags and 0:02:51.160 --> 0:02:53.440 complains about things that I do, from the food I 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:55.840 cook to how I clean our home to what I 0:02:55.919 --> 0:02:58.320 decide to do. When I finally have a moment to myself, 0:02:59.480 --> 0:03:01.800 it makes me feel so small and I don't feel 0:03:01.840 --> 0:03:05.200 loved or respected in this marriage. I don't feel comfortable 0:03:05.200 --> 0:03:08.160 to be myself. I walk on eggshells all day and 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:09.800 I feel like I don't have an identity of my 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:12.680 own anymore since my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of 0:03:12.720 --> 0:03:15.960 how to appease him. I never saw myself as someone 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:17.840 that was weak until I met him, and it seems 0:03:17.880 --> 0:03:21.320 like I'm always failing to meet his unrealistic expectations. I've 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:23.280 been successful in my career and used to have fruitful 0:03:23.320 --> 0:03:25.920 and strong relationships, and now I feel like I've lost 0:03:26.360 --> 0:03:29.720 myself as well as been isolated for my friends and family. 0:03:29.760 --> 0:03:32.800 After adjusting to life as a mom and surviving in 0:03:32.840 --> 0:03:35.320 this emotionally abusive marriage. 0:03:37.120 --> 0:03:41.160 There is a lot to process here. The first thing 0:03:41.280 --> 0:03:46.120 that is coming to mind is when did you start 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:52.600 to notice these shifts where you are willing participant. Sometimes 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:55.360 we look at others and we say, oh my gosh, 0:03:55.360 --> 0:04:00.200 they made me lose myself When there is some responsibility 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:04.040 and giving ourselves away, and it doesn't happen immediately, it 0:04:04.160 --> 0:04:07.840 sort of happens over time. We can get so excited 0:04:08.040 --> 0:04:11.800 about people loving us and caring for us that we 0:04:11.920 --> 0:04:14.320 just give them everything. Well what do you think about 0:04:14.320 --> 0:04:16.400 this thing? Should I wear this? What do you think 0:04:16.400 --> 0:04:20.040 about that? And over time it becomes the voice that 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:23.520 they use with us. They are now the criticizer. They 0:04:23.520 --> 0:04:27.240 are now this person who who knows how much we 0:04:27.520 --> 0:04:31.120 value what they have to say and what they think. 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:35.279 One of the things I've seen work really really well 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:40.760 with this is gaining some courage and strength through therapy. 0:04:40.880 --> 0:04:44.520 You need a person where you can be absolutely honest 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:48.719 with about what's happening, so that you're constantly reminded what's 0:04:48.760 --> 0:04:53.720 happening is not normal, what's being said is uncomfortable, and 0:04:53.800 --> 0:04:57.440 here are some ways that you can start to manage it. 0:04:57.800 --> 0:05:02.760 When you don't have those relationships with family and friends, 0:05:02.960 --> 0:05:07.559 it's very important that you build those relationships somewhere. Maybe 0:05:07.600 --> 0:05:10.839 it's therapy, you know, maybe it's a support group, but 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:14.040 it needs to be some level of support so you're 0:05:14.080 --> 0:05:17.680 not isolated in this, because as long as you're isolated, 0:05:18.320 --> 0:05:20.880 you will not be able to work through some of 0:05:20.920 --> 0:05:24.200 this stuff, because, let's face it, he is your only 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.920 support right now. You have to find some other people 0:05:27.960 --> 0:05:31.799 who can help build your self esteem, who can help 0:05:31.880 --> 0:05:36.839 you reidentify some of those things that you've lost over 0:05:36.920 --> 0:05:41.239 time because you're walking on eggshells and trying to figure 0:05:41.279 --> 0:05:46.039 out what's happening here. One of my favorite movies is 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:51.520 The Color Purple, and in this movie, the main character, Seeley, 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:55.280 She is sent to live with this man who is 0:05:55.800 --> 0:06:00.960 emotionally abusive and physically abusive. She loses her self esteem, 0:06:01.040 --> 0:06:05.680 she completely loses her identity, and it's not until she 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:10.080 discovers I'm telling the whole movie, Oh my gosh, spoiler alert. 0:06:10.120 --> 0:06:12.560 I forgot to say that, it's not until she discovers 0:06:12.960 --> 0:06:14.880 the secret that he's been keeping. I won't say what 0:06:14.920 --> 0:06:18.320 the secret is. There, I've saved something that she's able 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:23.200 to start unwrapping some of the damage that has been done, 0:06:23.279 --> 0:06:28.839 and she slowly gains courage and her voice and she 0:06:28.920 --> 0:06:31.200 starts to use it, and it's, oh my gosh, it's 0:06:31.279 --> 0:06:35.880 so offensive. To him, there are times when because of 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:40.600 a relationship, we slowly start to lose parts of ourselves, 0:06:40.680 --> 0:06:45.839 and there is an event, there is a person, there 0:06:46.040 --> 0:06:49.640 is a relationship that we can have like such as 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:51.880 that with a therapist or with a friend that can 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:55.080 really pull us out to show us this is who 0:06:55.120 --> 0:06:58.560 you are, don't you remember? Let's keep listening to hear 0:06:58.640 --> 0:06:59.760 more about this story. 0:07:04.720 --> 0:07:07.840 Additionally, we decided to move to a new city, San Diego, 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:09.520 a year and a half ago, to care for a 0:07:09.600 --> 0:07:12.360 sick mother and get support from his family to help 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:14.960 with our son. But the move was an absolute nightmare. 0:07:15.400 --> 0:07:17.480 My husband decided to leave his job and start his 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:20.960 own company once he moved, but his business is not 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:23.360 profitable yet and this has been a huge blow to 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:26.080 his ego, causing him to be more depressed and take 0:07:26.080 --> 0:07:29.560 out his frustrations on others close to him. We live 0:07:29.640 --> 0:07:31.640 with my mother in law, and her behavior in the 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:34.440 general home environment has been toxic since we moved here. 0:07:34.880 --> 0:07:37.520 She and my husband argued constantly for our first year 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:41.720 here about so many things, bills, the past, their ideas 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:43.480 of how our son should be raised, how the house 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:46.280 should be managed. I got dragged into many of the 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:48.440 arguments and was often placed in the middle as a 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:50.400 mediator or for them to use me as someone to 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:53.800 co sign on their viewpoint. Things have been more civil 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:56.280 among all of us now, but my relationship with her 0:07:56.360 --> 0:07:58.800 is now ruined, and our relationship with my son is 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:01.760 now strained as well. She's worried she will upset my 0:08:01.840 --> 0:08:03.600 husband by getting close to her grandson. 0:08:05.000 --> 0:08:08.760 I'm hearing that he is not only abusive in the 0:08:08.800 --> 0:08:12.920 relationship with you. There's this dynamic playing out with him 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:16.400 and his mom as well, and it sounds like there 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:20.560 could be some allyship there, and I hear the fear 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:24.080 on your part, But that may be the person in 0:08:24.120 --> 0:08:28.000 this with you, or at least having the conversation to 0:08:28.120 --> 0:08:31.640 open the floor and say, what do you think about 0:08:31.960 --> 0:08:35.280 what he said? When? What do you think about this 0:08:35.360 --> 0:08:39.480 thing that he did last week? You know, having that conversation, 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:43.520 you may be able to understand her position and be 0:08:43.559 --> 0:08:47.000 able to even get some courage and inspiration from that, 0:08:47.240 --> 0:08:50.400 like oh my gosh, like this could be you. You know, 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:53.000 this could be a cycle repeating. You now have a 0:08:53.040 --> 0:08:57.240 son who's watching this dynamic and it seems like his 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:02.360 mother is being treated by him how she was treated 0:09:02.400 --> 0:09:06.080 by his father, So I would talk more about this 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:09.840 a bit openly, just to see where her head is 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:13.319 and if she's aware of what's happening. If she's aware 0:09:13.400 --> 0:09:16.720 of what's even happening with you, let's keep listening. 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.959 As you can imagine, it's been exhausting managing the issues 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:24.880 in my marriage, plus the contentious environment in the home 0:09:24.920 --> 0:09:27.199 with my mother in law, plus raising a toddler in 0:09:27.240 --> 0:09:29.800 a new city without my friends and family, plus serving 0:09:29.800 --> 0:09:32.160 as the breadwinner and taking on the pressure of managing 0:09:32.240 --> 0:09:34.800 everything in the household while my husband builds his business. 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:37.240 A month ago, I got the courage to tell my 0:09:37.320 --> 0:09:39.760 husband I went out of the relationship. I went out 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:41.280 of the marriage, and I need to move back to 0:09:41.320 --> 0:09:44.520 my hometown as soon as logistically possible. I let him 0:09:44.520 --> 0:09:46.560 know that I don't feel loved or appreciated and this 0:09:46.600 --> 0:09:48.920 isn't how I want to live my life anymore. I 0:09:49.000 --> 0:09:51.520 just have had enough of the stress and anxiety, and 0:09:51.559 --> 0:09:53.440 I don't want my son to be influenced by the 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:56.520 toxicity anymore, or for him to see me as someone 0:09:56.520 --> 0:09:59.080 who is weak and letting others. My husband, my mother 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:03.040 in law disrespects me. I don't want him to think 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:05.400 this behavior is okay. I want to be just as 0:10:05.440 --> 0:10:07.640 strong in my home life as I am in my 0:10:07.640 --> 0:10:10.440 professional life, which I absolutely thrive in and have received 0:10:10.520 --> 0:10:13.840 multiple promotions in the last two years, despite the craziness 0:10:13.840 --> 0:10:16.480 going on in my personal life. 0:10:16.800 --> 0:10:19.560 I hear that you have some healthy self esteem, and 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:22.040 that healthy self esteem seems to play out in the 0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:25.760 work environment. You know, we can be different parts of 0:10:25.800 --> 0:10:30.880 ourselves depending on the atmosphere of the environment we're in. 0:10:31.280 --> 0:10:34.559 So it's already in you to do the standing up, 0:10:34.720 --> 0:10:40.280 to be assertive, to do a wonderful job as a human. 0:10:40.400 --> 0:10:42.520 You already do it at work, and I'm sure you 0:10:42.559 --> 0:10:46.320 do it as a mother. It's very interesting because of 0:10:46.360 --> 0:10:50.040 the environment with him, you're not able to tap into 0:10:50.240 --> 0:10:54.240 what's already manifested in you. It's already there. You're not 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:58.840 doing anything different, you're learning any new skills. You already 0:10:58.880 --> 0:11:03.480 have the tools. What I'm hearing with you saying, hey, 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:07.040 this marriage is not working. I don't feel love or 0:11:07.080 --> 0:11:10.400 appreciate it. It reminds me of the atmosphere we're in 0:11:10.600 --> 0:11:16.400 with women initiating more divorces in this season. You know, 0:11:16.720 --> 0:11:21.080 I'm hearing a lack of appreciation and over time, that 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:26.320 resentment does turn into stress and anger and anxiety. Because 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:29.600 you want to be noticed for the good that you do. 0:11:30.800 --> 0:11:34.560 We want to hear good job, Oh thank you so 0:11:34.720 --> 0:11:37.160 much for cooking. Oh thank you so much. You do 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:39.960 such a wonderful job with our son. You take care 0:11:39.960 --> 0:11:42.240 of the home so well. And I know that sounds 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:45.040 like what who would say that you know a person 0:11:45.080 --> 0:11:51.120 who appreciates you. A thank you can happen at any time, 0:11:51.320 --> 0:11:53.440 and it can be for anything. It can be for 0:11:53.520 --> 0:11:55.880 you picking something up off the floor. So it is 0:11:55.960 --> 0:11:59.240 so important to very many of us that we are 0:11:59.320 --> 0:12:03.400 seeing in the way of being thanked. That is how 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:06.600 you appreciate us. It's not you know, oh my gosh, 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:08.880 you have to write a card and send balloons and 0:12:08.920 --> 0:12:10.840 all this stuff. Sometimes I think you can go a 0:12:10.880 --> 0:12:13.760 long way. I love a thank you, and I love 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:16.400 to send a thank you card. I love to tell 0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:20.520 people thank you. That is such a powerful phrase. And 0:12:20.600 --> 0:12:24.040 what I'm hearing is you're not being thank You're not 0:12:24.320 --> 0:12:30.000 being appreciated. No one is seeing, you know, your hard 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:34.440 work in all of these environments, and instead you're getting 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:39.160 this passive aggressive response of you could be doing more 0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.319 or this is what I think about this, ah dinner, 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:46.040 This is what you may that is very hurtful, and yes, 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:49.400 it is very harmful. Again, you know, I think you 0:12:49.480 --> 0:12:53.520 need some support around this. When people end up in 0:12:53.720 --> 0:12:57.920 unhealthy relationships, it can be quite embarrassing to share with 0:12:58.040 --> 0:13:02.240 other people, to let people know what you've been going through. 0:13:02.880 --> 0:13:07.280 But what I will say is, once we speak about 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.920 the things we're going through, you will be shocked and 0:13:11.280 --> 0:13:16.680 utterly surprised by other people who've been dealing with the 0:13:16.760 --> 0:13:21.880 same stuff, who may have some words of encouragement for you, 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:25.880 who may have some resources for you that can be 0:13:26.080 --> 0:13:30.640 very supportive for you in this season. So keeping quiet 0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:35.680 is actually keeping that support away. Keeping quiet is more 0:13:35.840 --> 0:13:39.760 harmful than you sang to someone who you know, maybe 0:13:39.760 --> 0:13:41.440 you haven't spoke to them in a while, and you 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:44.040 can open up and say, hey, you know, I know 0:13:44.120 --> 0:13:46.720 it's been a few months, I haven't called. There's been 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.760 a lot on my mind and I just want to 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:52.480 tell you I am very drained by my marriage. This 0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:57.359 is what I'm going through. Let people know. Maybe not everybody. 0:13:57.480 --> 0:13:59.720 You know, it's your business. You don't have to tell everyone, 0:13:59.800 --> 0:14:03.000 but it can be really helpful to tell some people 0:14:03.080 --> 0:14:07.160 who have the capacity to listen and to be there 0:14:07.280 --> 0:14:10.440 for you about what's happening with you, because when you're 0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:15.400 operating an isolation, I'm sure you're living in this sort 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.439 of questioned city, like was that weird? Do he mean that? 0:14:18.800 --> 0:14:21.240 What did he mean by this? What is that? You know, 0:14:21.320 --> 0:14:24.360 like all of these questions when in actuality, if you 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:28.000 talk to someone about this and just say, hey, this 0:14:28.040 --> 0:14:30.440 is what was said, someone could say, oh my gosh, 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:33.640 that's that's mean, that's not normal. I can't believe he 0:14:33.720 --> 0:14:36.720 said that. Like, you know, you can get some feedback 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:40.040 from someone from a friend, from a family member, and 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:44.280 heck yeah, from a therapist. You need some support around 0:14:44.360 --> 0:14:47.720 this issue, and the support is not going to be 0:14:47.920 --> 0:14:51.760 offered with your son. You know he is. He is 0:14:51.880 --> 0:14:56.200 charming and sweet, I'm sure, but he needs to have 0:14:56.800 --> 0:15:00.720 the opportunity to be in healthy relationships himself. So think 0:15:00.800 --> 0:15:05.040 of you getting some help as showing him a path 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:10.080 for receiving some help as well, some support around managing 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:13.960 his emotions, because he is now an environment where he's 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:19.239 not seeing people do well, is particularly d with managing 0:15:19.280 --> 0:15:22.040 his reaction to things, So it can be very helpful 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:25.040 in many ways for you to work on some of 0:15:25.080 --> 0:15:28.600 this stuff. I know you have a ton of questions 0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:31.880 about what you're going through, and after this break we 0:15:31.960 --> 0:15:40.960 will get back to those questions. You know, as we 0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:44.880 were on break, I thought about this listical I created 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:48.760 a few years ago, and it is ten signs of 0:15:48.800 --> 0:15:54.080 emotional abuse. Let's go through the ten. Number one, the 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:58.920 silent treatment. That is when someone refuses to speak to 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:03.360 you when you are direct speaking to them. We may 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.120 say something to them and they're like, you're not even here, 0:16:06.160 --> 0:16:10.640 You're invisible, right, So the silent treatment. Number two blaming 0:16:10.800 --> 0:16:14.680 others for your feelings. It is your thought. I am angry. 0:16:14.880 --> 0:16:18.600 I am mad because you made me mad because you 0:16:18.640 --> 0:16:24.080 didn't clean out the dishwasher. Number three. Manipulating to get 0:16:24.080 --> 0:16:29.920 what you want, you know, trying to intentionally change someone's 0:16:30.000 --> 0:16:34.280 feelings because you want something. Number four Intentionally shaming someone, 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:37.640 trying to make them feel bad. Oh, if you don't 0:16:37.680 --> 0:16:40.320 help me, then blank, right, So I'm going to make 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:43.760 you feel bad enough that you will help me. You 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:45.760 will do this thing that I need you to do. 0:16:46.360 --> 0:16:51.040 Five Ridiculing someone for expressing emotions. Oh, look at you, 0:16:51.120 --> 0:16:54.080 you're crying. What are you crying about? You're always crying 0:16:54.080 --> 0:16:57.040 about stuff. Oh you're sad? You know. I think it 0:16:57.200 --> 0:17:02.200 sounds as I'm saying this, it sounds very childlike. But 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:05.480 in adult relationships we do this, you know, we ridicule 0:17:05.600 --> 0:17:10.680 people for having an expression of emotion. Why are you crying? 0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:14.600 Why are you upset? What are you sad about? And 0:17:14.640 --> 0:17:17.680 they know exactly what it is because they just did something, 0:17:18.200 --> 0:17:21.639 you know, explosive to make you feel that way. Number 0:17:21.680 --> 0:17:26.280 six Ignoring a person when they express their feelings or thoughts, 0:17:26.600 --> 0:17:29.560 not even listening to you, right like, I heard you 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:32.320 say that, but I also did not hear you say that. 0:17:33.080 --> 0:17:37.360 Number seven. Not responding to be is for comfort when 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:40.600 you are upset and a person caused it, and you're like, oh, 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:42.800 can you hold my hand? Can we talk through this? 0:17:42.960 --> 0:17:44.720 Can you? You know, all of these things in a 0:17:44.760 --> 0:17:47.560 person's like no, you sit there and suffer. You know, 0:17:47.600 --> 0:17:51.480 it's almost like a taunting that some people can do sometimes. 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:56.240 Number eight telling someone how they should or should not feel. 0:17:56.520 --> 0:17:59.800 You don't have anything to be upset about. You don't 0:17:59.800 --> 0:18:02.640 need to cry about that. Why are you angry? You're 0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:07.160 the one who said this to me. Nine gaslighting, which 0:18:07.240 --> 0:18:09.880 kind of encompasses all of the above, trying to make 0:18:09.920 --> 0:18:13.320 you feel as if what happened did not happen. You know, 0:18:13.520 --> 0:18:17.680 gaslighting is one of the biggest signs and probably most 0:18:17.680 --> 0:18:21.719 prominent signs of emotional abuse that we see, making someone 0:18:21.840 --> 0:18:26.240 question their sanity, making someone question what they feel or 0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:31.320 what they saw happen. And number ten ignoring attempts to 0:18:31.400 --> 0:18:33.919 communicate when you're trying to work through something and the 0:18:33.960 --> 0:18:36.160 person isn't clear like, hey, I'll talk to you about 0:18:36.160 --> 0:18:38.359 it later. They're just like, I'm not talking about it. 0:18:38.359 --> 0:18:41.600 I'm not talking about it, with no indication that they 0:18:41.640 --> 0:18:44.640 will follow up on it. You know, if it happens 0:18:44.680 --> 0:18:48.119 often enough, it can be a bit abusive. You know, 0:18:48.440 --> 0:18:52.520 any one of these things, occasionally, I would not say 0:18:52.600 --> 0:18:56.960 is abuse. It's human nature to maybe manipulate sometimes sometimes 0:18:56.960 --> 0:19:00.360 we do get caught up and you know, not responding 0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:03.679 to someone's bids for comfort. But if this is the 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:09.080 way that a person responds ninety nine point nine percent 0:19:09.119 --> 0:19:12.440 of the time, then there may be some things happening 0:19:12.520 --> 0:19:15.600 that are not one offs. It is not just you know, 0:19:15.920 --> 0:19:19.000 a poor decision on this particular day. It's a pattern 0:19:19.040 --> 0:19:23.000 of behaviors. You give me the silent treatment. Often I 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:24.840 can tell you five times in the last week, you 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:27.639 stop talking to me. I've seen this play out where 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:30.000 couples will say, yeah, we haven't talked to each other 0:19:30.040 --> 0:19:32.320 in two weeks. What do they mean by that? It's 0:19:32.359 --> 0:19:35.399 been like you have our son, Okay, bye, that's the 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:38.560 conversation for two weeks. It's only based on that one 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:40.840 thing where I'm not asking you for anything, I'm not 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:43.399 telling you when dinner's ready, I just will not talk 0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:46.280 to you. So some of these things it becomes a 0:19:46.320 --> 0:19:49.080 part of the relationship dynamic, not just with you know, 0:19:49.119 --> 0:19:53.240 the one person being emotionally withdrawn or abusive, but you 0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:55.440 can start to mimic some of this stuff too in 0:19:55.520 --> 0:20:01.439 response to other people in our relationship. We have to 0:20:01.480 --> 0:20:04.920 look at both parties right. Sometimes we're like, oh my gosh, 0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:07.760 this person is always doing this thing to me, and 0:20:07.840 --> 0:20:11.639 I wonder, even in our desire to protect ourselves, what 0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:15.159 are we doing. You know, sometimes we're doing nothing and 0:20:15.240 --> 0:20:19.440 sometimes we are doing something. So be aware of what 0:20:19.560 --> 0:20:22.960 you might be bringing to the situation as well. Are 0:20:23.000 --> 0:20:27.000 you the person who blames that person for having feelings 0:20:27.040 --> 0:20:30.879 when you've created some dynamic. This isn't necessarily for the 0:20:30.960 --> 0:20:33.879 letter writer, this is for all of us because we 0:20:34.040 --> 0:20:37.840 need to be aware of ourselves in relationships. Am I 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:41.080 gaslighting this person because I just told them that that 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:44.119 didn't happen a way that they thought it did. Maybe 0:20:44.160 --> 0:20:48.159 I am? Wow. There is power and self correction. So 0:20:48.240 --> 0:20:51.679 if you notice yourself doing any of these things in 0:20:51.720 --> 0:20:54.639 a partnership and a friendship and a family ship and 0:20:54.680 --> 0:21:00.640 a coworkership, please correct yourself. We're not looking for here, 0:21:00.680 --> 0:21:03.199 but we are looking for practice. So just do a 0:21:03.200 --> 0:21:05.160 little bit better next time, or go back and say, 0:21:05.240 --> 0:21:07.159 oh my gosh, the other day, you know, you were 0:21:07.160 --> 0:21:09.840 trying to tell me something and I completely shut you down. 0:21:10.000 --> 0:21:12.040 My apologies. Do you want to talk to me about 0:21:12.040 --> 0:21:15.520 it now? So there are ways to get out of 0:21:15.560 --> 0:21:20.040 these behaviors. Is you notice that you're the perpetrator? Because 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:23.639 to some extent, maybe we all do this, but not 0:21:24.119 --> 0:21:27.760 all the time. It's problematic when we are the person 0:21:27.800 --> 0:21:32.240 who's constantly in this set of behaviors. Let's get back 0:21:32.280 --> 0:21:36.440 to those questions from the letter writer. So my main 0:21:36.520 --> 0:21:40.359 questions are, first, how can I start to rebuild my 0:21:40.359 --> 0:21:43.920 self esteem after nearly a decade of being put down 0:21:43.960 --> 0:21:46.680 by my partner? I know there's so much to learn 0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:48.919 from my mistakes, and I'm already feeling stronger than I 0:21:48.920 --> 0:21:51.520 have in a really long time. But how can I 0:21:51.600 --> 0:21:54.879 keep this momentum up while navigating the separation and pending 0:21:54.880 --> 0:21:59.480 the force. I started reading self help books when I 0:21:59.520 --> 0:22:03.680 was in high school, and my introduction to self help 0:22:03.960 --> 0:22:07.400 was Ayala van zand I was really drawn to her 0:22:07.440 --> 0:22:11.439 personality and I liked her books. One of the books 0:22:11.440 --> 0:22:15.000 I read that I often recommend to clients is In 0:22:15.080 --> 0:22:19.400 the Meantime. Now, imagine me a sixteen seventeen year old 0:22:19.480 --> 0:22:22.719 girl reading In the Meantime, which is about you know 0:22:22.800 --> 0:22:25.439 what to do when you're in this rocky place in 0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:30.199 your relationship or when you're between, you know, dating relationships. 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:33.280 I'm reading this book. A lot of the scenarios at 0:22:33.320 --> 0:22:36.240 the time did not apply to me, but I thought 0:22:36.280 --> 0:22:40.000 it would be good preparation for my place in the world, 0:22:40.080 --> 0:22:43.159 because we all end up in relationships at some point, 0:22:43.280 --> 0:22:46.240 so I just wanted to know what might be headed 0:22:46.320 --> 0:22:50.680 my way. So I'm going to recommend that book because 0:22:50.720 --> 0:22:53.960 I'm hearing some of those scenarios that I read in 0:22:54.000 --> 0:22:56.560 that book, which I have read again as a full 0:22:56.600 --> 0:23:00.680 fledged adult, playing out in your relationship, and it can 0:23:00.760 --> 0:23:04.080 be very helpful for us to identify with the stories 0:23:04.119 --> 0:23:07.720 of others, to have some sort of guide to help 0:23:07.840 --> 0:23:10.960 us along the way. So the book that I would 0:23:11.000 --> 0:23:18.080 recommend for self esteem rebuilding after a difficult relationship is 0:23:18.240 --> 0:23:22.280 In the Meantime. Another book that is coming to mind 0:23:22.880 --> 0:23:27.320 is Whole Again, Whole Again. In that book, it talks 0:23:27.359 --> 0:23:31.160 about how to repair yourself after all of the emotional abuse, 0:23:31.640 --> 0:23:36.080 how to recover from toxic relationships. There's a lot of 0:23:36.680 --> 0:23:40.040 newer tips about things to do. So I would say 0:23:40.080 --> 0:23:42.720 those two books would be very helpful. 0:23:42.800 --> 0:23:43.040 I know. 0:23:43.080 --> 0:23:45.760 For in the meantime, there's a journal to accompany the 0:23:45.760 --> 0:23:48.120 book that could be really helpful. So if you buy 0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:50.560 the book or if you buy the journal, it could 0:23:50.600 --> 0:23:54.359 be helpful for processing some of those things. I'm a 0:23:54.359 --> 0:23:56.719 fan of a journal, and I will tell you why 0:23:56.760 --> 0:24:00.359