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Speaker 1: Meaning comes from working on something with intention that has

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Speaker 1: importance to you. It's that simple. I think a lot

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Speaker 1: about you know, the act of going for a hike.

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Speaker 1: The purpose of going for a hike, ironically, is not

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Speaker 1: to get to the top. It's to be on the trail.

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Speaker 1: If you focus on the fricking trail, whatever step you're on,

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Speaker 1: and you keep reminding yourself, this is gonna lead me somewhere.

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Speaker 1: That is where the meaning comes in your life. Hey everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast

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Speaker 1: in the world. Thanks to each and every one of

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Speaker 1: you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow.

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Speaker 1: And I am so excited to be talking to you today.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of

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Speaker 1: Love is out and I cannot wait to share it

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Speaker 1: with you. I am so so excited for you to

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Speaker 1: read this book, for you to listen to this book.

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Speaker 1: I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already,

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Speaker 1: make sure you go to eight Rules of Love dot com.

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Speaker 1: It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or

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Speaker 1: let go of love. So if you've got friends that

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Speaker 1: are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure

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Speaker 1: you grab this book, and I'd love to invite you

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Speaker 1: to come and see me for my global tour Love Rules.

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Speaker 1: Go to Ja shettytour dot com to learn more information

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Speaker 1: about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: see you this year. Now, today's guest is someone who's

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Speaker 1: been on once before, and when she came on last time,

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Speaker 1: you exploded. The community was showing the love, feeling the love,

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Speaker 1: and the feedback and response was incredible that I've been

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Speaker 1: wanting her to come back on and we were waiting

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Speaker 1: to announce. She's got a brand new podcast out herself,

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Speaker 1: So if you don't already listen to her show, I'll

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Speaker 1: announce it in a second. Please go and subscribe. It's

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Speaker 1: already crushing it. It's going to be absolutely huge, and

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Speaker 1: I know you're gonna love it. I'm speaking about the

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Speaker 1: one and only Mel Robbins, who became one of the

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Speaker 1: most trusted experts in the world on confidence and motivation

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Speaker 1: the hard way by first screwing up her own life.

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Speaker 1: As one of the most widely booked and followed podcast

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Speaker 1: host and authors in the world, Mel is sought after

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Speaker 1: by the world's leading brands and medical professionals for her research,

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Speaker 1: back tools and motivation. At the same time, Mellers amassed

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Speaker 1: millions of followers online with her advice going viral every

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Speaker 1: day pretty much. Meller is a New York Times best

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Speaker 1: selling author and self publishing phenom, and her work includes

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Speaker 1: The High five Habit, the five Second Rule, and the

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Speaker 1: Number one Ranking, the Mel Robbins podcast That's the one

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Speaker 1: that you have to supplyte the subscribe to. Mel's female

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Speaker 1: led media company produces provocative, life changing content with millions

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Speaker 1: of books sold, billions of video views, six number one audiobooks,

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Speaker 1: and one of the most viewed TEDx talks in the world.

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Speaker 1: Mel's work has been translated into forty one languages and

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Speaker 1: has changed the lives of millions of people worldwide. And

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Speaker 1: on top of all of this, mell is one of

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Speaker 1: my dearest friends. We bumped into each other last week

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Speaker 1: in Montreal where we were both giving keynotes. It was

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Speaker 1: around ten PM and I get this text saying I

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Speaker 1: heard you in Montreal. I said, I still am, and

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Speaker 1: we hung out for like a couple of hours. At

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Speaker 1: the end of the day, I love this human. I

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Speaker 1: believe in everything she says and does. She lives it all.

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Speaker 1: She is the same offscreen as she is on screen.

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Speaker 1: Please welcome to my Welcome to the show. My dear friend,

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Speaker 1: an incredible thinker. Mel Robbins. Mom, Oh my god, can

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Speaker 1: I just hug you? Yeah? Of course, Oh god, Oh

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Speaker 1: I just love you. True. I just you know, we've bested.

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Speaker 1: I think we've you know, whenever we've connected. The first

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Speaker 1: time we met. I was thinking about that last week

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Speaker 1: in Montroul. The first time we met, we were also

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Speaker 1: both speaking. We were at this event in Utah. We

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Speaker 1: were both speaking there and I didn't know you then,

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Speaker 1: and I think our mutual friends like Lewis House and

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Speaker 1: Brendan Bouchard were there too, and they were like, oh,

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Speaker 1: you guys should connect. And we spent an evening together

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Speaker 1: then and just hit it off. And I appreciate it

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Speaker 1: that I was like four years ago now. Yeah, you know,

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Speaker 1: I think we've all had this experience where you've been

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Speaker 1: at a bar, or you've been at a big party

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Speaker 1: and you look across a room and your eyes meet

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Speaker 1: somebody and it's like immmediate, like tractor beam, electric pull.

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Speaker 1: I felt that way about you for a long time,

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Speaker 1: just by watching what you were putting out on social

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Speaker 1: media and so I had had a brain and soul

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Speaker 1: crush on you for a long time, and so when

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Speaker 1: we met, it was like, oh my god. So And

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Speaker 1: you know what else I love is that I love

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Speaker 1: like I get both you and your amazing wife. I

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Speaker 1: love that you are decades younger than me and very creative.

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Speaker 1: And here's what else I love about you. I consider

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Speaker 1: you not only a very dear friend, but my own

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Speaker 1: per so on, monk, there you have it. I love it.

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Speaker 1: Just put me in your pocket right there, right there.

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Speaker 1: But mel I'm so excited to talk to you today. Literally,

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Speaker 1: the last time you came on it was unbelievable, and

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Speaker 1: I've genuinely been wanting to have you back on, like

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Speaker 1: as much as you want to come back. But I

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Speaker 1: know there's a few things we want to talk about today,

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Speaker 1: and I wanted to start off with this idea that

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Speaker 1: you've always talked about how you learned about things the

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Speaker 1: hard way. There were always challenges, and even now when

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Speaker 1: we talk offline, we shared that even last week we

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Speaker 1: were talking about challenges we were both going through in

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Speaker 1: building this opportunity to serve others, And I wanted to

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Speaker 1: ask you, like, what do you think is the hardest

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Speaker 1: thing you're working on right now, Like, what's the most

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Speaker 1: challenging thing you're working on internally or externally. Could be creatively,

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Speaker 1: it could be habit wise. What is what is something

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Speaker 1: that you're struggling with or grappling with that you're working through. Happiness? Wow, okay, yeah, happiness.

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Speaker 1: It's interesting. I was getting ready to come over here

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Speaker 1: this morning, and so I my daughter goes to school

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Speaker 1: here at the Thornton School for Music. She's a senior,

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Speaker 1: and she spent the night with me last night. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to tell you the story because it's relevant about

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Speaker 1: both learning things the hard way and about happiness. So

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Speaker 1: she slept in my bed with me last night and

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Speaker 1: it was so awesome, and I just love her. And

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Speaker 1: next chapter of her life. It is so exciting and

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Speaker 1: I miss her terribly, terribly, And oh, I'm gonna get

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Speaker 1: like totally choked up when I think about it because

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Speaker 1: I live on the other side of the country. And

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Speaker 1: I think one of the hardest things that you have

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Speaker 1: to do in life, if you really love somebody, is

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Speaker 1: to encourage them to leave, to encourage them to grow woof,

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Speaker 1: And I can't believe I choked up I'm getting about

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Speaker 1: this because I mean, this just happened this morning, and

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Speaker 1: like sprawled out like most twenty two year old sleep

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Speaker 1: and sweating and just like this, and I thought, oh,

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Speaker 1: I want to take a picture of this moment. And

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Speaker 1: then I thought, no, she's going to kill me because

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Speaker 1: she looks terrible, and you know how that rolls when

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Speaker 1: to just capture the memory. And I thought, why is

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Speaker 1: it that I am always gripping onto the thing that

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Speaker 1: makes me unhappy? What is it about this campaign? I

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Speaker 1: call it the campaign of misery? Like instead of focusing

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Speaker 1: on the fact that here I am, first of all,

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Speaker 1: lucky enough to be in Los Angeles to be able

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Speaker 1: to have the means to go see her for parents weekend,

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Speaker 1: that I have a relationship with her where she would

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Speaker 1: want to come and just snuggle up and spend the night,

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Speaker 1: that she is pursuing her passion and dream of being

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Speaker 1: a singer songwriter, that she is just killing it, she's happy.

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Speaker 1: Why am I always defaulting to the loss and so

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Speaker 1: when I say that I'm working on happiness, what I've

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Speaker 1: realized about myself, Jay, is that I have done a

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Speaker 1: lot of things in life, but I've spent the vast

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Speaker 1: majority of my life being so busy and keeping myself

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Speaker 1: so busy as a means to outrun I think a

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Speaker 1: deep seated unhappiness. And that when the pandemic hit and

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Speaker 1: I had to slow down, and I had to truly

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Speaker 1: say to myself, Okay, you can't go anywhere. You cannot

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Speaker 1: regulate your anxiety by running to target. You can't catch

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Speaker 1: a plane, you can't like it's you, and you're like

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Speaker 1: you and yourself right now, mel And all the coping

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Speaker 1: mechanisms that you used to have that distracted you from

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Speaker 1: the fact that you're just not that happy, they're not

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Speaker 1: there anymore. And unless I want to drink myself into

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Speaker 1: the ground, which I don't and numb it, or hit

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Speaker 1: the vapen or take a gut like, unless I want

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Speaker 1: to numb it, I got to deal with it. And

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Speaker 1: so I've spent the last two years and I continue

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Speaker 1: to focus right now on the number one goal that

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Speaker 1: I have, which is to learn how to be happy

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Speaker 1: and content wherever I am, and so this morning is

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Speaker 1: the perfect example of catching this profound sadness, which is

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Speaker 1: part of the human experience. Deeply missing somebody is also

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Speaker 1: about loving them right and noticing that I was going

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Speaker 1: into the negative. And part of being content and being

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Speaker 1: happy wherever I am is not trying to fix things.

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Speaker 1: It's being okay with things. It's allowing the emotion to

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Speaker 1: rise up and then noticing that there's a different way

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Speaker 1: to feel. And so in that moment, I just am

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Speaker 1: doing what I'm doing a lot of, which is just

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Speaker 1: breathing through those deep moments where I'm like, why am

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Speaker 1: I complaining about this? This is so stupid? Why am

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Speaker 1: I obsessing about this thing tomorrow? And I'm not even

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Speaker 1: here right now, and reframing things in a more positive way.

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Speaker 1: And this might surprise people because I am a very

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Speaker 1: positive person. I am a very optimistic person. But when

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Speaker 1: I really slow down, my mind runs a million miles

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Speaker 1: an hour, and normally it's fifteen steps ahead, which means

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Speaker 1: I'm never content where I am. And so I've been

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Speaker 1: doing a ton of work, like in my nervous system

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Speaker 1: in my body instead of going right up here and

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Speaker 1: trying to wrestle with my thoughts. I've been going down

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Speaker 1: into here to just anchor in my body and slow

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Speaker 1: things down and be physically where I am, where my

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Speaker 1: feet are. And so then there was a second thing

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Speaker 1: that happened. So again I'm working on happiness. That's the

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Speaker 1: thing I'm really like working on. It's like a muscle. Right.

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Speaker 1: I'm in the bathroom and I am terrible at doing

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Speaker 1: my hair. I know it looks really decent today, but

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Speaker 1: normally I look like a fricking labradoodle on a humid day.

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Speaker 1: Like that's just me. I just have never figured out

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Speaker 1: the hair situation. And so I finally said, that's it.

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Speaker 1: I have got to figure out how to make my

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Speaker 1: hair look halfway okay. Like I'm not even looking for amazing,

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Speaker 1: I'm just looking for okay. And so I was watching YouTube.

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Speaker 1: I'm learning the tutorials. I've got the right sprays, and

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Speaker 1: so Kendall comes rolling in after she wakes up, and

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Speaker 1: I am sitting there trying to curl my hair right

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Speaker 1: with this big fat curl. I'm terrible at it, Jay,

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Speaker 1: And all of a sudden, I hit my freaking ear

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Speaker 1: and I'm like and I'm like, oh my god, I've

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Speaker 1: just burned my ear, and Kendall casually goes, well, you

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Speaker 1: gotta learn somehow, and she walks out of the room.

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Speaker 1: I think there is so much wisdom in that, because

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Speaker 1: that is how you learn. That is how you learn

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Speaker 1: how close to hold a curling iron to your ear,

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Speaker 1: you burn yourself and then your whole body absorbs the

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Speaker 1: lesson and you don't go that close to the fire

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Speaker 1: next time. And I'm doing that dance with happiness and

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Speaker 1: contentment that when I feel the fire of discontent or

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Speaker 1: friction or complaining or looking for what's wrong, I pull

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Speaker 1: the curling iron a little away from the ear, and

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Speaker 1: I go back into a safer, calmer place. That was

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Speaker 1: a beautiful answer. I didn't know what to expect when

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Speaker 1: I asked that question. I really appreciate you, you know,

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Speaker 1: going that inward with it, because you could have gone

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Speaker 1: a number of ways. I fully understand and empathize what

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Speaker 1: you're saying because my mom and my family do something similar.

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Speaker 1: So and I love my mom. I have a great

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Speaker 1: relation with my mom. She's amazing and anything that's good

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Speaker 1: about me is because of her. But every time I

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Speaker 1: go back to London, the day I land, my family

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Speaker 1: will say well, you only here for one days, am

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Speaker 1: I twenty one days? Like, that's three weeks. Even if

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Speaker 1: you added up all the hours weekly that you spend

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Speaker 1: with time with someone, it probably won't account for twenty

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Speaker 1: one full days with full presents. And then a week

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Speaker 1: will go and be like, oh, you've only got fourteen

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Speaker 1: days left, or you've only got seven days left. Oh

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Speaker 1: you're leaving today, And that mindset just keeps forcing you

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Speaker 1: to think that day twenty one is day one, right,

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Speaker 1: as in that day twenty one days left is the

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Speaker 1: same as one day left, and you're living all twenty

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Speaker 1: one days as there's only one day left. And I've

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Speaker 1: taken time and I've sat with my mom so many

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Speaker 1: times to have that conversation with her, and I said, Mom,

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Speaker 1: if you celebrate that we have twenty one days and

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Speaker 1: we're going to make the most of it, and we're

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Speaker 1: going to create new memories and create new experiences, then

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Speaker 1: you're going to be happier for these twenty one days.

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Speaker 1: And yes, you're going to miss me the same, it's

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Speaker 1: not going to change that, and I'm going to miss you.

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Speaker 1: So I have personal experience of that. On the other

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Speaker 1: end of it, with having that conversation with my mom

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Speaker 1: where she's really grown in understanding how that thought hasn't

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Speaker 1: served her right, and she's so much happier for it

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Speaker 1: now when I go back, so that I definitely identify

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Speaker 1: with that. What you touched on at the end there, though,

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Speaker 1: was really interesting to me. When you talk about happiness,

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Speaker 1: it sounds like you believe you deserve it, and you

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Speaker 1: sound like you believe it's yours for the taking, Like

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Speaker 1: it's like it is a clear goal direction, it's there. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And I think what's happened is subconsciously or consciously, so

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Speaker 1: many of us don't feel we deserve happiness, or we

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Speaker 1: don't feel we're worthy of happiness, or we actually think

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Speaker 1: mediocrity is a safer place to live because then we

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Speaker 1: don't have our expectations being unmet. We don't have the

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Speaker 1: fall of I wanted this, but I got this right.

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Speaker 1: And so I've been at a friend the other day

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Speaker 1: who sent me a message and he said, take a

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Speaker 1: look at this, and it was all, how, really, we

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Speaker 1: shouldn't strive for happiness, we should strive for mediocrity because

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Speaker 1: mediocrity is where most people will end up. So that

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Speaker 1: was that sucks. Literally, this is the message. So my

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Speaker 1: friend messaging me, he goes, what do you think of this?

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Speaker 1: I think it sucks. That's I think that's the worst

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Speaker 1: advice I've ever freaking heard. How about that, it's the

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Speaker 1: dumbest thing I've ever heard. Here's the thing, Jay. So

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Speaker 1: one of the things I also want to say is

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Speaker 1: that I'm fifty four and it's taken me a long

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Speaker 1: time to figure out that I was actually not a

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Speaker 1: happy person. And I don't think I really truly understood

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Speaker 1: what happiness is. And maybe I'm using the wrong word.

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Speaker 1: Maybe the word is the problem because I always associated

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Speaker 1: happiness with like parties and laughter and like I'm just

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Speaker 1: like full of joy and I'm and I just you know,

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Speaker 1: it's like this very positive thing. And again, I am

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Speaker 1: a positive person. I'm a very optimistic person. But if

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Speaker 1: you were to put a speaker on my head and

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Speaker 1: broadcast the things I said to myself, you would literally

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Speaker 1: check me into the seventh floor at mass General Hospital

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Speaker 1: in Boston, Massachusetts, because it was a constant drumbeat of negativity.

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Speaker 1: And as I one by one by one, Jay started

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Speaker 1: to fix the problems in my marriage and my finances

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Speaker 1: with my anxiety as I built a business. You know

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Speaker 1: a lot of people are surprised to learn that most

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Speaker 1: of what you see that I've built has been built

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Speaker 1: in the last six years. Literally. And so I, as

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Speaker 1: I started fixing things outside, that default drumbeat did not

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Speaker 1: go away. It just was a situation where I no

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Speaker 1: longer had anything outside of me that was rationally wrong.

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Speaker 1: So I turned it back on me and just started

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Speaker 1: hammering meays, I'll give you an example. So this is

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Speaker 1: where I started to have this breakthrough. So I was

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Speaker 1: sitting my husband and I have just bought a house

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Speaker 1: in Vermont, and I know you guys, you know, are

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Speaker 1: in your new home. It's an incredible thing to do.

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Speaker 1: It is our dream house. It's the house that his

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Speaker 1: parents built, It's the family house. We not only were

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Speaker 1: able to purchase this thing, we've been able to completely

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Speaker 1: renovate it make it our own. This place is the

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Speaker 1: closest place to God that I have ever been. We

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Speaker 1: sit nestled between mountains with one hundred and forty mile

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Speaker 1: view straight down a valley with cascading like it is

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Speaker 1: just spectacular. When I would sit in therapy sessions eight

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Speaker 1: years ago and my therapist would ask me to come

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Speaker 1: up with like a you know, like a totem or

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Speaker 1: a spiritual guide or vision whatever for truth or God

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Speaker 1: or whatever. It's always this view. And so lo and behold.

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Speaker 1: Eight years later, we freaking live there, and I'm sitting

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Speaker 1: on this covered deck looking down the valley. My daughter

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Speaker 1: is sitting next to me, our other daughter who lives

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Speaker 1: in Boston, who's twenty three. And it's Sunday, and normally

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Speaker 1: on Sundays, I'm not even present on Sundays because I'm

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Speaker 1: now got the Sunday scaries. I'm now thinking about the

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Speaker 1: week ahead. She is starting to now do that. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I gotta get going. I gotta pack the car. I

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Speaker 1: get going. I got a big week at work this week.

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Speaker 1: And it's seven thirty in the morning on a spectacular day,

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Speaker 1: and the energy is starting. And I recognize the energy

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Speaker 1: because that is the campaign of misery that I have

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Speaker 1: lived with for fifty years. And I'm sitting there and

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking, oh, this is interesting. That's me. And then

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Speaker 1: I stopped in that moment, Jay, and I thought, I

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Speaker 1: don't feel that right now. I just feel that exactly

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Speaker 1: where I am looking at this view is exactly where

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Speaker 1: I'm supposed to be and it was so profound. It's

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Speaker 1: almost like that moment where Eckhart Toole has on the

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Speaker 1: bench in the beginning of the Power of Now, where

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Speaker 1: I have this profound experience where I think, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: is this what happiness is? That I'm not fifteen steps ahead.

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Speaker 1: I'm just able to be right here without the anxiety,

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Speaker 1: without the stress. I mean, that is like a revolutionary

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Speaker 1: experience for me. I don't think I had ever not

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Speaker 1: felt the default of a revved up nervous system, an

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Speaker 1: anxious mind, or a to do list that was a

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Speaker 1: mile long. And I don't want to go back to

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Speaker 1: that sort of frenetic busyness that creates chronic stress. And

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Speaker 1: you know, the challenge for me right now is how

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Speaker 1: do I stay in a space that's happy Because I

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Speaker 1: of the game of building a business. I love pushing myself.

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Speaker 1: I love and I realized, oh wait, you actually need both.

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Speaker 1: You need deep spiritual quiet time and you need the

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Speaker 1: business of Los Angeles or Boston or New York in

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Speaker 1: small sprints. But that can't be your default anymore. Woman.

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Speaker 1: With master Class, you can learn from the world's best

352
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,520
Speaker 1: minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. You can

353
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:34,360
Speaker 1: learn how to have a winning mindset from Lewis Hamilton,

354
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,520
Speaker 1: improve your acting skills from Samuel L. Jackson, all learn

355
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:42,560
Speaker 1: business strategy and leadership from Bob Iyega. With over two thousand,

356
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Speaker 1: five hundred classes from a range of world class instructors,

357
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,560
Speaker 1: that thing you've always wanted to do is closer than

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00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:53,119
Speaker 1: you think. Master Class is accessible on your phone, Web,

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00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:56,320
Speaker 1: or smart TV, and each class is broken out into

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00:20:56,359 --> 00:20:59,920
Speaker 1: individual video lessons that are usually around ten minutes long.

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00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,720
Speaker 1: Lessons range from specifically showing you how to execute a

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00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:08,159
Speaker 1: technique to an instructor's insights about their craft. Master Class

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00:21:08,160 --> 00:21:12,959
Speaker 1: classes provide you with downloadable lesson recaps and supplemental materials

364
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:16,879
Speaker 1: like class guides, recipes and more. With over one hundred

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00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,240
Speaker 1: and fifty exclusive classes taught by the instructors you know

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Speaker 1: and love, there's a class for whatever you're interested in.

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Speaker 1: One of my twenty twenty three goals is to learn

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Speaker 1: more about cooking healthy meals. Lately, I've been watching Alice

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00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,720
Speaker 1: Waters The Art of Home Cooking. I've learned a lot

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Speaker 1: from picking fresh seasonal ingredients, the essential kitchen tools, and

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00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:39,479
Speaker 1: how to create simple and healthy meals. What I love

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Speaker 1: about Master class is the quality of lessons, but with

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Speaker 1: the comfort of your own home. All of their instructors

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00:21:45,359 --> 00:21:48,280
Speaker 1: are truly world class. I'm able to follow along in

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Speaker 1: the kitchen on my phone and immediately practice new skills.

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00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,360
Speaker 1: And the best part is most lessons are just fifteen

377
00:21:54,359 --> 00:21:56,920
Speaker 1: minutes long, so it's easy to make time to learn

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Speaker 1: whatever you're interested in learning this year. Even with the schedule,

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00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:04,359
Speaker 1: I highly recommend you check it out. Get unlimited access

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Speaker 1: to every class, and as an on purpose with j

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00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:11,560
Speaker 1: y listener, you get fifteen percent off an annual membership.

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Speaker 1: Go to Masterclass dot com forward slash on purpose. Now

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Speaker 1: that's Masterclass dot com forward slash on Purpose for fifteen

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Speaker 1: percent off Masterclass. And that's a that's such a great

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Speaker 1: realization and reflection. I think when you come to that,

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Speaker 1: and it takes a lot of self acceptance to come

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Speaker 1: to that, because I think we think of life as binary,

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Speaker 1: like you have to make a choice. You're either going

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Speaker 1: to be a hustler or you're going to be peaceful.

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Speaker 1: You're either going to be a winner or you're going

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Speaker 1: to be a loser. You're either going to be wisdom

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Speaker 1: and zen or you're going to be money and materialistic right,

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Speaker 1: And it's almost like you feel you have to make

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Speaker 1: those choices early in life. And I think when you

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Speaker 1: came in here, we were talking about something and really

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Speaker 1: really think it's something that a lot of our listeners

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Speaker 1: will resonate with. The idea that so many of us

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Speaker 1: experience pain of not going after what we want or

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Speaker 1: what we need or what we feel is our calling

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Speaker 1: because of the pain that comes with that, and so

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Speaker 1: we settle for the pain of where we are. And

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Speaker 1: I think those two ideas are related because again we

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Speaker 1: think there's this choice you have to make at any

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Speaker 1: point in time where it's like I'm either going to

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Speaker 1: live the life for my dreams or I'm going to

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Speaker 1: be stuck forever. And then we're like, Okay, well I'll

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Speaker 1: be stuck forever because my dreams seems so far away.

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Speaker 1: I remember being there, and it's always hard to help

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Speaker 1: everyone who's listening realize how much I felt that way.

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Speaker 1: This was six years ago for me. Yeah, six years ago.

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Speaker 1: So six years ago I was working safe corporate job.

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Speaker 1: Six months from now, I was about to be married

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Speaker 1: to Radi, and I was making thirty one five hundred

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Speaker 1: pounds a year, and that was my salary at this company,

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Speaker 1: and I was doing extremely well at the company, so

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Speaker 1: I had a good tract to progress there. And I'm

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Speaker 1: sitting there going I've been there for two years, and

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't think this is where I'm meant

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Speaker 1: to be. I was looking at people who've been at

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Speaker 1: the company for decades. I've always said to people, look

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Speaker 1: ten twenty years ahead of you, and look at that

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Speaker 1: person in the company, and go, is that where I

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Speaker 1: want to be? And I was like, well, even if

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Speaker 1: they paid me as much as that person's paid, even

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Speaker 1: if I got all the benefits that person got, I

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Speaker 1: don't think I want to do that in my fifties.

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Speaker 1: And so I thought to myself, Okay, well then I

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Speaker 1: have to take a risk. So and obviously that was

429
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:53,360
Speaker 1: like a two year journey of even convincing myself. Let's

430
00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,760
Speaker 1: talk about that. If someone's sitting there right now, passionate

431
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,280
Speaker 1: about something, wanting to get inspired, wanting to do something,

432
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,760
Speaker 1: but they're set for the pain of where they are.

433
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,280
Speaker 1: And that's why I asked that mediocrity and happiness question. Yeah,

434
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,600
Speaker 1: it is really that Daunce between I'm going to settle

435
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:09,960
Speaker 1: for where I'm at, where I'm going to be where

436
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:12,159
Speaker 1: I want to be. How do you think about that, Jenny?

437
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:13,880
Speaker 1: How do you You don't just popped into my mind. Yeah,

438
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:17,080
Speaker 1: we're great. Cancer. If you got diagnosed with a cancer

439
00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:21,880
Speaker 1: that was treatable, would you try to treat your cancer? Yes,

440
00:25:22,080 --> 00:25:24,719
Speaker 1: of course you would, because otherwise it would kill you.

441
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:30,480
Speaker 1: When you feel this call or this this burning desire,

442
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: and I feel like we all have this flame inside

443
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 1: of us. We are not like a boiler where the

444
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,720
Speaker 1: pilot light can blow out. That is not how a

445
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 1: human being is wired. You, whether you're stuck, whether you're

446
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:45,560
Speaker 1: in pain, whether you're suffering, you still have this this

447
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:51,360
Speaker 1: flame inside you that is burning. And when you actively

448
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,480
Speaker 1: engage in your own campaign of misery, and you actively

449
00:25:57,040 --> 00:25:59,720
Speaker 1: tell yourself the reasons why it's not going to work,

450
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,119
Speaker 1: or the reasons why you can't do it, or the

451
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,920
Speaker 1: reasons why now is not the time, or you're never

452
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,720
Speaker 1: going to make it happen, or it was great for

453
00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,719
Speaker 1: Jay or great or for mel but nothing ever works out.

454
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,880
Speaker 1: For when you engage in your own campaign of misery,

455
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:19,240
Speaker 1: you are creating literally a cancer inside of you that

456
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:24,600
Speaker 1: eats it at you. And we don't realize that by

457
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:29,160
Speaker 1: engaging in this campaign of misery because it's active. That

458
00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,679
Speaker 1: flame is burning inside you and you are actively convincing

459
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 1: yourself not to do anything. It is an active engage

460
00:26:38,119 --> 00:26:40,720
Speaker 1: and that's why I call it a campaign, because that

461
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,320
Speaker 1: flame is going to keep on burning, which is why

462
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 1: the campaign has to get louder and the excuses have

463
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 1: to get louder. And you know it starts to happen

464
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,199
Speaker 1: is you start to listen to that campaign and you

465
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,640
Speaker 1: start to feel pain because there's something burning inside of you.

466
00:26:55,520 --> 00:27:00,240
Speaker 1: And the only cure for this is to stop listening

467
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,439
Speaker 1: to that campaign and simply start taking small steps, just

468
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,000
Speaker 1: one every day toward the thing that you want. I

469
00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:08,680
Speaker 1: talk to my daughter about this all the time. So

470
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:14,479
Speaker 1: she dreams, absolutely dreams of being a singer, songwriter, solo

471
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:19,880
Speaker 1: artist with a successful career literally stadium tours. And if

472
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:23,679
Speaker 1: I'm being perfectly honest, this kid has all of the

473
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:26,480
Speaker 1: talent and all of the like she's one of those

474
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:30,680
Speaker 1: five tool players, and she is a great person, kind

475
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:34,760
Speaker 1: and just awesome, and she's even in a program for it,

476
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,359
Speaker 1: the best in the country. She has everything, she just

477
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:41,800
Speaker 1: has to do the work. What is the work, Well,

478
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 1: the work is simply writing crappy songs every day. The

479
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:52,280
Speaker 1: work is not listening to the campaign of misery, because

480
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,439
Speaker 1: all around you you're going to see evidence of this

481
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:56,679
Speaker 1: person's better or that person this or this one's at her.

482
00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,840
Speaker 1: When you listen to that pain in your head, it

483
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:05,360
Speaker 1: is like a cancer inside. It causes pain because you

484
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:09,639
Speaker 1: can feel when you are giving up on your own potential,

485
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:12,400
Speaker 1: and that is the worst kind of life to live.

486
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:15,280
Speaker 1: And we're all I've remember I was the president of

487
00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 1: that campaign in my own life. Like you know, I

488
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,160
Speaker 1: was like when you and I want people to understand,

489
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,360
Speaker 1: this is that everyone you think is doing something good

490
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,040
Speaker 1: with their life at one point they were the presidents

491
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:28,600
Speaker 1: of this campaign of misery in their own life. I

492
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,159
Speaker 1: remember saying, well, that never's going to happen for me.

493
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:35,199
Speaker 1: Those things only happen to those people. I remember also

494
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:38,400
Speaker 1: watching things and this was the key one that I

495
00:28:38,480 --> 00:28:41,840
Speaker 1: realized had to go me and my friends. And my

496
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:43,920
Speaker 1: dream when I was young was to be a spoken

497
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 1: word rap artist, Like that was my goal. Like I've

498
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 1: always loved words, have always loved having a large vocabulary.

499
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,520
Speaker 1: I've always loved bending words and making them rhyme, and

500
00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:54,760
Speaker 1: I think that's why I love words today and what

501
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:59,000
Speaker 1: we do so much is there. And we would sit

502
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:03,600
Speaker 1: there and we would rappers or artists that were up

503
00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 1: and coming, and we would critique them, and we would

504
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,000
Speaker 1: almost talk badly about them. We would criticize it, and

505
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,440
Speaker 1: we talk about how rubbish they were and how untalented

506
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,840
Speaker 1: they were, and or if we had those opportunities, how

507
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:19,680
Speaker 1: how good we'd be. And I realized that today's culture

508
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:23,600
Speaker 1: is propagating that even more because now we're just scrolling

509
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:26,720
Speaker 1: through TikTok or Instagram and you'll see someone who's doing

510
00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 1: what you want to do, and you may think you

511
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:32,720
Speaker 1: can do it better. But instead of doing it, we're

512
00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,680
Speaker 1: spending our time watching someone else doing it and going, well,

513
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,440
Speaker 1: that sucks, that's rubbish, right. I Actually have friends will

514
00:29:38,440 --> 00:29:40,840
Speaker 1: message me stuff like that sometimes and they'll be like, look,

515
00:29:40,880 --> 00:29:42,400
Speaker 1: you know, I've been wanting to make videos for a while,

516
00:29:42,400 --> 00:29:44,760
Speaker 1: and they'll send me someone who's made a bad video

517
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:46,880
Speaker 1: in their opinion, And I said, you know what's really

518
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:49,719
Speaker 1: interesting when you're on social media, you look at everyone

519
00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:51,840
Speaker 1: who's doing worse than you. I said, when I'm on

520
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 1: social media, I look at everyone's doing better than me

521
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,600
Speaker 1: and learn, right, It's like there's there's those two mindsets.

522
00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,760
Speaker 1: You're either criticizing someone or your cre eighteen and ninny

523
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:04,360
Speaker 1: and growing. And so I just feel what you're saying

524
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:06,880
Speaker 1: is so true. And I think I spent so much

525
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 1: time thinking I had something but then not doing anything

526
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 1: you did. Yeah, so a couple of things. I want

527
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 1: to give everybody a visual, yes, because I find Jay's

528
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:18,440
Speaker 1: into words. I gotta have a picture, like my mind

529
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,840
Speaker 1: is not the words mind. You are either in the

530
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:25,280
Speaker 1: stands commenting about the game, or you're on the court

531
00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 1: planet and right now, I want you to think about

532
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,840
Speaker 1: that flame inside you, that dream that you have. And

533
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:33,560
Speaker 1: I'm going to go back to my daughter who is

534
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:36,960
Speaker 1: on the court, who is writing shitty songs, but she

535
00:30:37,040 --> 00:30:39,160
Speaker 1: will be the first to say that for many years

536
00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,800
Speaker 1: she was engaged in her own campaign of miseries, sitting

537
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:45,200
Speaker 1: in the stands telling herself why she can't get on

538
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,800
Speaker 1: the court right now. And so I like that visual

539
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,800
Speaker 1: because at any moment, it literally like cuts right to

540
00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 1: the truth. Are you in the stands criticizing who the

541
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,000
Speaker 1: people who are playing the game or being jealous of them,

542
00:30:58,480 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: or in the stands telling yourself it's not time to

543
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,200
Speaker 1: jump in or are you on the freaking court. There's

544
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:07,320
Speaker 1: only two places to be in life. That's it. There

545
00:31:07,440 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: is no middle ground here. And so what I want

546
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,720
Speaker 1: to say also is that being in the stands, it

547
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,000
Speaker 1: is loud. It is an active thing that you're doing.

548
00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:20,840
Speaker 1: This is not a passive thing that we do to ourselves.

549
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,840
Speaker 1: We actively argue against our dream and our potential. And

550
00:31:25,920 --> 00:31:30,000
Speaker 1: that is a thousand percent tied to your happiness, to

551
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:33,880
Speaker 1: your confidence, because if you are arguing against your own

552
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 1: God given potential, you are actively destroying your confidence. You're

553
00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: actively destroying possibility in your life. And here's the thing,

554
00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:46,720
Speaker 1: you freaking know it. People know when they have imposter syndrome.

555
00:31:47,600 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 1: They know it. They talk about it openly. And I

556
00:31:50,360 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 1: also hate the term fake it till you make it.

557
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,000
Speaker 1: And here's why. When you say I'm just going to

558
00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 1: fake it till you make it, you are calling yourself

559
00:31:56,160 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 1: a fake. It amplifies your self doubt. Instead say this,

560
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 1: I'm going to get on the court and try until

561
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,160
Speaker 1: I make it, because the pain of sitting in the

562
00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:12,840
Speaker 1: stands and never getting down there is way greater than

563
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 1: tripping on the court, way greater you're causing you and

564
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:19,600
Speaker 1: This is the thing I want people to understand. You

565
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:23,800
Speaker 1: are causing yourself so much pain by laughing off and

566
00:32:23,880 --> 00:32:26,880
Speaker 1: making jokes about how it's never going to happen. You're

567
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 1: causing yourself so much pain by thinking about it. Get

568
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 1: out of the freaking stands and get back on the

569
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:36,640
Speaker 1: court in your life. I did this to myself for

570
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,040
Speaker 1: years about the podcast. You know, I'll tell you some

571
00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:42,280
Speaker 1: insane story. So here, I am crazy successful in the

572
00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,880
Speaker 1: audiobook world. The most successful self published audiobook in the

573
00:32:45,920 --> 00:32:48,760
Speaker 1: history of audiobooks is the five second Rule that leads

574
00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:53,640
Speaker 1: to a seven book Audible original deals with Audible. Because

575
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,840
Speaker 1: of the success of that, and I kept telling myself, Jay,

576
00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:58,719
Speaker 1: I'd look at you, you know, and I'd look at

577
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:00,680
Speaker 1: a ton of our other friends who you know, have

578
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 1: these amazing podcasts you rich roll like, you know, just everybody,

579
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:07,600
Speaker 1: and I'd be like, I missed the boat. I'm too late.

580
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:11,280
Speaker 1: There's two million podcasts out there now. I can't do this.

581
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 1: I don't have anything different to say than Jay. Jay's

582
00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 1: already got you know it covered, Like why would I

583
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 1: jump in there now? And then I would like in

584
00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:21,880
Speaker 1: the stands for six years, and you know what else?

585
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:26,560
Speaker 1: I would tell myself, well, you're just successful because Audible's

586
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:29,360
Speaker 1: your partner, and if you were to try this, you're

587
00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 1: going to fall flat on your face and you don't

588
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 1: have time. And here's another thing that I tell myself, Well,

589
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 1: who on earth is going to come to Boston to

590
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:40,400
Speaker 1: sit in a studio with you? Mal Everybody's remote. Now,

591
00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,880
Speaker 1: Boston is not a media place. Nobody travels there, like

592
00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:47,160
Speaker 1: just in the freaking stands, telling myself, no, no, no.

593
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 1: Now Here's the thing about campaigns of misery. It does

594
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 1: not actually mute the heartache and the pull that you have,

595
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,760
Speaker 1: because your dreams actually can't leave you. They're meant for you.

596
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:01,360
Speaker 1: And so all that can painting or the drinking, or

597
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,719
Speaker 1: the numbing out or the avoiding the thing that is

598
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:08,480
Speaker 1: inside you, it doesn't make the dream go away. It

599
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:11,920
Speaker 1: just creates more pain. And so finally, you know, it

600
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:14,759
Speaker 1: was two years ago that I'm like, I have to

601
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 1: take my own device, and I got to make some

602
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,279
Speaker 1: major changes because I knew when I was going to

603
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:22,000
Speaker 1: step into the podcast spase that I was going to

604
00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,480
Speaker 1: make it the only thing that I was doing that

605
00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:28,120
Speaker 1: I needed to complete all the speaking engagements that I had,

606
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:31,080
Speaker 1: I needed to create different boundaries around like I had

607
00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:35,440
Speaker 1: to get serious about taking the steps and getting on

608
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:37,480
Speaker 1: that court. And that's what I've been doing for the

609
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:39,480
Speaker 1: last two years. And a lot of people don't know that.

610
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:42,320
Speaker 1: I actually got my start in two thousand and seven

611
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,759
Speaker 1: hosting a local radio show, and I have wanted to

612
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:50,759
Speaker 1: get back to radio for almost twelve years because I

613
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:54,960
Speaker 1: love the intimacy of it, and so and I can't like,

614
00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,200
Speaker 1: you know this, You can't share your life in real

615
00:34:57,239 --> 00:35:00,439
Speaker 1: time in an audiobook, No, I definitely am. You can't

616
00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 1: do it in a sixty second reel. But I too

617
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 1: sat there in the stands actively engaged in my campaign

618
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:11,799
Speaker 1: of misery. Here's another area of my life where I

619
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:17,200
Speaker 1: engaged in campaign of misery, loneliness. I have been profoundly

620
00:35:17,239 --> 00:35:22,200
Speaker 1: lonely for a while now, and by lonely, I don't

621
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,440
Speaker 1: mean alone because there's people around me, but I have

622
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,480
Speaker 1: and I think a lot of people feel this way,

623
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:29,919
Speaker 1: and I know a lot of women do, particularly when

624
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:35,040
Speaker 1: your kids get older and the social things change, and

625
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:38,360
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us are struggling with adult friendship,

626
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:43,000
Speaker 1: and especially coming out of quarantine, people are now kind

627
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,800
Speaker 1: of I don't want to leave my house, not because

628
00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,879
Speaker 1: of anything going on, but because I like being home.

629
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,160
Speaker 1: And so I started to get serious about the fact

630
00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:54,080
Speaker 1: that I was really in the stands in my life,

631
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:57,080
Speaker 1: complaining to myself that I didn't see my friends, that

632
00:35:57,160 --> 00:36:00,839
Speaker 1: I don't have friends, that I'm really lonely, but I

633
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,200
Speaker 1: wasn't on the court. What are you going to do

634
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:06,400
Speaker 1: about it? Because it's easy to actually start making friends

635
00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:11,919
Speaker 1: if you send texts Jeff people and you make plans. Yeah, Oh,

636
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,719
Speaker 1: Jason Montreal, Why don't I text him? Oh he's in

637
00:36:14,760 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 1: the same hotel. Why don't I go up to seven

638
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,799
Speaker 1: floors and go see him? Because my monk is in

639
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:23,120
Speaker 1: the penthouse. You know what I'm saying. I love what

640
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:25,560
Speaker 1: you're saying. I can resonate with it so much. And

641
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 1: there's a journey from where is your campaign of misery

642
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,600
Speaker 1: right now? Oh that's a great question. Where is my

643
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:32,759
Speaker 1: current campaign? And where are you in the stands in

644
00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:37,400
Speaker 1: your life? Jay? Mine is actually I grew up loving

645
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 1: I went to public speaking drama school, and public speaking

646
00:36:41,600 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: became a huge part of my life, and drama stopped,

647
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:46,840
Speaker 1: and drama is something I'd love to get back into. Really,

648
00:36:47,239 --> 00:36:49,560
Speaker 1: I loved acting growing up. I love the idea of

649
00:36:49,560 --> 00:36:52,240
Speaker 1: getting into someone else's emotions, and I love the idea

650
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:55,600
Speaker 1: of learning about new characters and understanding, and I keep

651
00:36:55,640 --> 00:36:59,600
Speaker 1: wanting to do it. And two years ago, three years ago,

652
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 1: when the Bad Boys movie came out, I was asked

653
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:06,560
Speaker 1: by Sony to be in their theatrical trailer for TV

654
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:08,520
Speaker 1: and so I played the role of a therapist with

655
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,479
Speaker 1: Will Smith and Matin Lawrence and I had so much.

656
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:13,759
Speaker 1: It was so uncomfortable because I hadn't done it for

657
00:37:13,800 --> 00:37:15,479
Speaker 1: so long. I went to drama school for seven years.

658
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:18,680
Speaker 1: It was so uncomfortable doing it. And I got an

659
00:37:18,680 --> 00:37:21,480
Speaker 1: acting coach that week and I practiced and I learned

660
00:37:21,480 --> 00:37:23,320
Speaker 1: all my lines. And then I got there on the

661
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,000
Speaker 1: day and they gave me a new script. They said, oh,

662
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,960
Speaker 1: the scripts changed, and I'm going guys. I had five days.

663
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,560
Speaker 1: I knew about this. Five days ago. I had an

664
00:37:29,560 --> 00:37:32,160
Speaker 1: acting coach every day for two hours a day, and

665
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,840
Speaker 1: they give me a new script. Then they come in

666
00:37:33,840 --> 00:37:35,719
Speaker 1: ten minutes before I've been waiting around for two hours

667
00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,680
Speaker 1: learning this new script. We get there and they say, oh,

668
00:37:38,719 --> 00:37:41,800
Speaker 1: by the way, Will and Martin have scrapped this script.

669
00:37:41,840 --> 00:37:44,759
Speaker 1: There's no more script. They're just gonna freestyle and you're

670
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:46,800
Speaker 1: gonna have to freestyle. I'm like, you want me to

671
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:49,160
Speaker 1: freestyle with two of the greatest to ever do it?

672
00:37:49,200 --> 00:37:51,239
Speaker 1: And I'm not a comedian. Now were you friends with

673
00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:54,720
Speaker 1: Will at this point? Not in the way we are today? Okay,

674
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,279
Speaker 1: So like, because I think people might be like, yeah,

675
00:37:57,280 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 1: but you guys are not a friend of Yeah, we

676
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:04,520
Speaker 1: were acquaintances, but not. I think that's important. Yeah, and

677
00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: I didn't know Martin at all. I'd never met him

678
00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:10,760
Speaker 1: in my life, and so I am fully feeling imposter

679
00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:14,439
Speaker 1: snder I'm fully in my discomfort zone. And I had

680
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,160
Speaker 1: the most fun. Yeah, I was on the court and

681
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:19,160
Speaker 1: I had fun. But then since that day, I retreated

682
00:38:19,960 --> 00:38:22,799
Speaker 1: and so and so that's been If I'm completely honest,

683
00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:26,120
Speaker 1: that's where my heart is. I love the idea of

684
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 1: getting to be I've I've always loved biographies, and I've

685
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 1: always loved autobiographies. I've always loved true stories, and so

686
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:38,400
Speaker 1: if I had the opportunity to learn or play or

687
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:41,080
Speaker 1: be in a true story, that would fill my heart

688
00:38:41,080 --> 00:38:42,759
Speaker 1: with a lot of joys. Is there's somebody that you

689
00:38:42,800 --> 00:38:46,200
Speaker 1: would I dream? No, No, I don't have that that answer.

690
00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:48,880
Speaker 1: I don't have clear but yeah, that would be my

691
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:51,319
Speaker 1: honest answer to that question of that's something I'm in

692
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:54,480
Speaker 1: the stands on. There's so many excuses. I'm like, well, Jay,

693
00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:56,919
Speaker 1: if you did that, then it discredits all the work

694
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:58,960
Speaker 1: you've done up till now. Well, Jay, if you did

695
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 1: that and it doesn't work out, then then what about

696
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:05,440
Speaker 1: the people that you coach in that industry? Like if

697
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,880
Speaker 1: if you if you did it, and you did it

698
00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,239
Speaker 1: really well, then people will call you a sellout because

699
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:14,600
Speaker 1: you just did you chose to do something completely different.

700
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:16,160
Speaker 1: And it's not saying I want to do that and

701
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:18,759
Speaker 1: stop doing what I do today. It's just that there's

702
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:23,640
Speaker 1: a part of that expression that I'm so creatively inspired

703
00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:26,279
Speaker 1: by that I'd like to try. Yeah, and again it's

704
00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:28,440
Speaker 1: try right, it's not and I wanted to get So

705
00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:29,799
Speaker 1: that's what I want to talk to you about. It's

706
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:32,799
Speaker 1: what was the heart of my question before. I'm so

707
00:39:32,840 --> 00:39:34,800
Speaker 1: glad you asked me that. Thank you. I've never publicly

708
00:39:34,840 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: talked about that. I've never shared that really with anyone

709
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:40,239
Speaker 1: beyond my wife. Is what is the difference, because I

710
00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:42,000
Speaker 1: think this is where it goes wrong. I meet a

711
00:39:42,040 --> 00:39:43,960
Speaker 1: lot of people who talk to me about their dreams

712
00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 1: and even mind. And I want to clarify mind in

713
00:39:45,760 --> 00:39:48,000
Speaker 1: a second, the one I just shared with you. What

714
00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 1: is the difference between a dream and delusion? Big? And

715
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,200
Speaker 1: I'm going to share what I my initial thoughts before

716
00:39:57,200 --> 00:39:59,759
Speaker 1: I hear yours. When I say I would like to

717
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:04,440
Speaker 1: do more drama or acting or experiment with that phase

718
00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:07,919
Speaker 1: of my life. My dream is not at this point

719
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:11,720
Speaker 1: in time, to win an oscar. My dream is to

720
00:40:11,760 --> 00:40:17,160
Speaker 1: try to creatively express myself and see whether this vehicle

721
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:20,720
Speaker 1: is a form that brings me joy, happiness and meaning

722
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:23,880
Speaker 1: in my life. Yeah, that to me is not delusional

723
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:27,520
Speaker 1: because it is giving myself the opportunity to put my

724
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 1: using visuals like put my you know what are they

725
00:40:32,080 --> 00:40:36,160
Speaker 1: called stabilizers onto my bike and see if this is real? Right.

726
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:40,399
Speaker 1: I often find people whose first dream is I want

727
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,839
Speaker 1: to build a billion dollar company, or and they've never

728
00:40:43,880 --> 00:40:47,000
Speaker 1: built a business at all or have business experience, or

729
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,640
Speaker 1: I hear I want this to be the number one

730
00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:52,960
Speaker 1: thing in the world. And while those are nice aspirations,

731
00:40:53,120 --> 00:40:57,319
Speaker 1: I'm not sure that I actually think. And this is

732
00:40:57,320 --> 00:40:59,640
Speaker 1: just my personal take. I never had those when I started,

733
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:03,879
Speaker 1: and I feel that sometimes without the skills without doing

734
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,360
Speaker 1: the learning, without doing the experimenting, Those things can actually

735
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:10,120
Speaker 1: stop you from doing it because it's so hard, it's

736
00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:12,359
Speaker 1: so far away, and there's such a big way to fold.

737
00:41:12,400 --> 00:41:15,120
Speaker 1: So I want to understand how do you decipher between

738
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:19,080
Speaker 1: dream and delusion. When you talk about delusion, what I

739
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: hear is like arrogance and conceitedness. Now, and let me

740
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:28,920
Speaker 1: explain the difference here, because I think confidence is this

741
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,839
Speaker 1: willingness to try and this belief in yourself and what

742
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:39,240
Speaker 1: you're trying to do, right, I think arrogance and conceitedness

743
00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:42,320
Speaker 1: is thinking you're better than everybody else. Yeah, And so

744
00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:47,879
Speaker 1: when you frame the delusion as this grandiose thing, it

745
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:51,640
Speaker 1: feels like it's coming from insecurity, right. It feels like

746
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 1: it's coming from wanting to be better than versus coming

747
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:59,640
Speaker 1: from a place where you're willing to take the risks

748
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,839
Speaker 1: and try and get on the court of life in

749
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:06,040
Speaker 1: a way that's aligned with this thing inside you. And

750
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:10,359
Speaker 1: so that's what I process in my own brain when

751
00:42:10,360 --> 00:42:12,800
Speaker 1: you ask me the question, what's the difference between dreams

752
00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:17,600
Speaker 1: and delusions? Now, if you have a true dream, is

753
00:42:17,600 --> 00:42:22,200
Speaker 1: it ever delusional? And my answer to that is never.

754
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:29,160
Speaker 1: And here's why I believe that dreams are not meant

755
00:42:29,160 --> 00:42:33,600
Speaker 1: to be achieved. I believe that your dreams are a

756
00:42:33,719 --> 00:42:39,879
Speaker 1: directional signal that the dream is out there in a

757
00:42:40,040 --> 00:42:44,640
Speaker 1: different chapter of your life, calling you from this moment

758
00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:49,920
Speaker 1: toward that direction. And that the reason why you still

759
00:42:49,960 --> 00:42:52,960
Speaker 1: have this burning flame inside you that relates all the

760
00:42:53,000 --> 00:42:55,359
Speaker 1: way back to something that you did when you were

761
00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:59,160
Speaker 1: younger that you freaking loved, is because when you walk

762
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 1: toward acting, and what that requires of you to get

763
00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:07,919
Speaker 1: on the court and walk toward that dream and look,

764
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:10,040
Speaker 1: the dream could be an oscar, the dream could be

765
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:12,799
Speaker 1: something like that's an award, it doesn't matter. It's in

766
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:16,840
Speaker 1: the lane of acting. What I believe about dreams is

767
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:19,960
Speaker 1: that the dreams are deeply personal. They are connected to

768
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,960
Speaker 1: that flame inside you. You are hardwired with them when

769
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:25,879
Speaker 1: you were born. It is absolutely part of why you're

770
00:43:25,920 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 1: curious about things, why you're interested in things naturally, this

771
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:31,840
Speaker 1: is part of your natural intelligence, and that when you

772
00:43:32,239 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 1: get on the court and you start walking toward them,

773
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 1: that is what's supposed to happen, because if you allow

774
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:41,560
Speaker 1: yourself to take on some roles in acting, it's going

775
00:43:41,600 --> 00:43:45,040
Speaker 1: to make something come alive inside of you. That's the

776
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 1: purpose of your dreams. It's to make that flame burn

777
00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:52,480
Speaker 1: brighter inside of you. It's about you awakening something, and

778
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:55,040
Speaker 1: your dreams are the directional signal that are trying to

779
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:59,120
Speaker 1: point you in what way to move forward. Going back

780
00:43:59,120 --> 00:44:01,960
Speaker 1: to my daughter, she ever have a stadium tour. I

781
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:05,840
Speaker 1: don't freaking know. She might, That's not the point. The

782
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:10,160
Speaker 1: point is to have something come alive inside herself by

783
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:14,040
Speaker 1: getting on the court of her life and writing music

784
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 1: and putting it out there. Yeah, whatever happens happens. The

785
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:20,800
Speaker 1: reason why I wanted to launch the Mel Robins podcast

786
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 1: is not so that it could become the number one

787
00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:26,000
Speaker 1: podcast in the world. Of course I have those goals.

788
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,040
Speaker 1: Of Course I want to be the number one female

789
00:44:28,080 --> 00:44:30,919
Speaker 1: podcast host in the world. Of course that's what I want.

790
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:35,080
Speaker 1: But the reason why I am pursuing this is because

791
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:37,759
Speaker 1: I wanted to connect with people at a deeper level.

792
00:44:38,239 --> 00:44:42,400
Speaker 1: I knew that I would come creatively alive. I knew

793
00:44:42,400 --> 00:44:46,280
Speaker 1: that I wanted to build an ongoing conversation that was deeper,

794
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,440
Speaker 1: and I also knew I wanted to learn more. Because

795
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,480
Speaker 1: when you're constantly putting out content or you're standing on

796
00:44:52,520 --> 00:44:54,879
Speaker 1: stages or you're writing books. It's kind of a one

797
00:44:54,880 --> 00:44:58,840
Speaker 1: way conversation. And so part of my solve for loneliness

798
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:01,480
Speaker 1: was to stop griping about it to myself and to go, well,

799
00:45:01,480 --> 00:45:05,080
Speaker 1: what would actually make me feel more connected, what would

800
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,719
Speaker 1: be of more service to people, what would create a

801
00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:11,319
Speaker 1: deeper impact. That's why I'm doing this thing. Yeah, that's

802
00:45:11,600 --> 00:45:13,719
Speaker 1: what I'm getting at. That. The clarity and the reason

803
00:45:13,760 --> 00:45:15,600
Speaker 1: why I really want to get this really clear for

804
00:45:15,640 --> 00:45:17,560
Speaker 1: people is that I had a friend last night I

805
00:45:17,600 --> 00:45:20,080
Speaker 1: was talking to and they want to start a podcast.

806
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:24,000
Speaker 1: And it was the most beautiful intention. Right, everyone wants

807
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,240
Speaker 1: to start a podcast, that everyone wants to start anything today.

808
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:29,960
Speaker 1: It's very and they should. But what I've learned is

809
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:35,640
Speaker 1: that anything I've started intentionally has not only more likely

810
00:45:36,440 --> 00:45:40,600
Speaker 1: brought out the consistency and creativity for me, it's not

811
00:45:40,760 --> 00:45:44,640
Speaker 1: only been successful, it's also made me happy. And so

812
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:46,960
Speaker 1: what I'm trying to get to is, how do you

813
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:51,080
Speaker 1: plant a seed that goes all the way from not

814
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,800
Speaker 1: only growing consistently to giving you joy as it grows,

815
00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:57,759
Speaker 1: to then giving you that flower, to then giving you

816
00:45:57,800 --> 00:45:59,520
Speaker 1: that fruit, to then giving you the seed to do

817
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:02,839
Speaker 1: more rather than like I got the flower, we then

818
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,400
Speaker 1: cut it, it then broken. You know, so when I

819
00:46:05,440 --> 00:46:07,680
Speaker 1: look at it, I go I think a lot of

820
00:46:07,680 --> 00:46:12,040
Speaker 1: people are so obsessed with the result that all they

821
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:16,320
Speaker 1: get might be the result, and then you have nothing else,

822
00:46:16,960 --> 00:46:20,520
Speaker 1: and then that result feels dissatisfying. It's like when we

823
00:46:20,520 --> 00:46:22,399
Speaker 1: had Gwyneth Powder on the podcast. She talked about how

824
00:46:22,440 --> 00:46:27,279
Speaker 1: like winning an oscar in her teens like removed all

825
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:30,200
Speaker 1: aspiration because she goes, well, what do you do next? Right, Like,

826
00:46:30,280 --> 00:46:33,360
Speaker 1: when you've done that, you've done the epitome, the peak

827
00:46:33,400 --> 00:46:36,759
Speaker 1: of that career in your teens, and now it's like, well,

828
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:38,279
Speaker 1: what do you do next? And it said, well, when

829
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:40,239
Speaker 1: it was always when it was if it was only

830
00:46:40,239 --> 00:46:42,480
Speaker 1: about the result, not speaking about her, But if it

831
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:45,799
Speaker 1: was only about the result, then you stop. And so

832
00:46:45,960 --> 00:46:48,600
Speaker 1: I just want to clarify that what you just said

833
00:46:48,680 --> 00:46:51,440
Speaker 1: is you started it not to be number one. You

834
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:53,480
Speaker 1: started it because of the impact. You wanted to make,

835
00:46:53,520 --> 00:46:56,480
Speaker 1: the stories, you wanted to totally the connection with your audience,

836
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:59,520
Speaker 1: and I think if people leaned more into that, to me,

837
00:46:59,680 --> 00:47:01,880
Speaker 1: that's the real dream. Yeah, And you know it's interesting.

838
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,280
Speaker 1: I keep bringing it up my daughter because she's an artist,

839
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:08,239
Speaker 1: and when she leans into the fact that she's not

840
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:13,480
Speaker 1: trying to impress her friends in her pop music program,

841
00:47:13,520 --> 00:47:17,200
Speaker 1: she's not trying to impress anybody. Yeah, she wants to

842
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:21,839
Speaker 1: tell stories with her music that inspire people. Yea. And

843
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:26,480
Speaker 1: when you really get into the reason why you're doing something.

844
00:47:27,080 --> 00:47:29,799
Speaker 1: So I'm going to give everybody another visual because there

845
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,320
Speaker 1: are two visuals that I think about a lot in life.

846
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:36,400
Speaker 1: For me, one of the most powerful things that I

847
00:47:36,560 --> 00:47:39,719
Speaker 1: use to coach myself is that when I'm in the

848
00:47:39,760 --> 00:47:44,000
Speaker 1: middle of something, I always remind myself I'm on the bridge.

849
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:48,440
Speaker 1: So in launching this podcast, something I've been thinking about

850
00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:52,480
Speaker 1: for more than eight years, something I've talked myself out

851
00:47:52,480 --> 00:47:56,000
Speaker 1: of for a long time, something that I finally stepped

852
00:47:56,040 --> 00:47:59,439
Speaker 1: on the court and started working for about two years ago.

853
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:05,400
Speaker 1: And now we're here. I know that this is literally

854
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:09,280
Speaker 1: step one on a long suspension bridge that is leading

855
00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:13,759
Speaker 1: me somewhere. And when you remind yourself that you're just

856
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 1: on the bridge, you stop focusing on how long is

857
00:48:17,120 --> 00:48:19,560
Speaker 1: it going to take and what's it going to feel like?

858
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:21,800
Speaker 1: And I'm not there yet. You are on the bridge,

859
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:24,320
Speaker 1: and you are going to be on the bridge until

860
00:48:24,400 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 1: you get to this other side, and then guess what

861
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:27,919
Speaker 1: happens when you get to the other side. There's another

862
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 1: freaking bridge. Every single episode is like its own bridge.

863
00:48:32,320 --> 00:48:36,880
Speaker 1: The other visual that I use a lot is a

864
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:41,080
Speaker 1: trail leading up a mountain because the research is so

865
00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:43,200
Speaker 1: conclusive and Jay and I can try to beat it

866
00:48:43,239 --> 00:48:47,280
Speaker 1: into your head that meaning comes from working on something.

867
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say it again. Meaning comes from working on

868
00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:58,800
Speaker 1: something with intention that has importance to you. It's that simple.

869
00:48:59,440 --> 00:49:02,560
Speaker 1: You can create meaning in your life by planting a

870
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:08,680
Speaker 1: garden if it's important to you, and for me, I

871
00:49:08,719 --> 00:49:10,879
Speaker 1: think a lot about you know, the act of going

872
00:49:10,920 --> 00:49:14,440
Speaker 1: for a hike. The purpose of going for a hike, ironically,

873
00:49:14,719 --> 00:49:17,400
Speaker 1: is not to get to the top. It's to be

874
00:49:17,480 --> 00:49:21,280
Speaker 1: on the trail. And if you constantly stare at the top,

875
00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:24,400
Speaker 1: you're going to be out of breath. You're going to

876
00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:26,719
Speaker 1: tell yourself you have so much longer will we ever

877
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:28,600
Speaker 1: going to get there? And you're going to miss the

878
00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:32,600
Speaker 1: entire point of your fricking life, which is the ride,

879
00:49:32,920 --> 00:49:36,480
Speaker 1: the trail, the bridge, the mile markers, all of it.

880
00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:42,880
Speaker 1: And so part of my desire to be happier is

881
00:49:42,920 --> 00:49:46,160
Speaker 1: to continually remind myself. It is not about getting on

882
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:47,920
Speaker 1: that mountain, because when you get to the top of

883
00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,240
Speaker 1: that mountain, the top of one mountains just the bottom

884
00:49:50,239 --> 00:49:53,480
Speaker 1: of another one. And if you're going up, eventually you

885
00:49:53,520 --> 00:49:55,600
Speaker 1: got to come back down. Like that is just life.

886
00:49:55,719 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 1: If you focus on the freaking trail, whatever step you're on,

887
00:49:59,200 --> 00:50:00,920
Speaker 1: and you keep your mind finding yourself, this is going

888
00:50:00,960 --> 00:50:04,439
Speaker 1: to lead me somewhere. That is where the meaning comes

889
00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:06,600
Speaker 1: in your life. Because Jay and I will both tell

890
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:08,960
Speaker 1: you guys that you put all this effort into writing

891
00:50:08,960 --> 00:50:14,359
Speaker 1: a book, it publishes, You're like, okay, now what Yeah,

892
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:18,000
Speaker 1: it's true. Yeah, and we want it to be something else.

893
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:20,320
Speaker 1: We want to think that there is this silver bullet

894
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:22,000
Speaker 1: that if you get to the mountain, if you launch

895
00:50:22,080 --> 00:50:24,160
Speaker 1: the podcast, if you meet the person of your dreams,

896
00:50:24,200 --> 00:50:27,920
Speaker 1: then you'll be happy. And the truth is, for me personally,

897
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:33,120
Speaker 1: happiness was really about ending campaigns of misery in my mind.

898
00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:37,560
Speaker 1: It was about identifying where I was arguing against myself

899
00:50:37,600 --> 00:50:41,960
Speaker 1: and my potential, and it was allowing myself to get

900
00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:45,560
Speaker 1: back on the trail or start walking across that bridge. Yeah,

901
00:50:45,680 --> 00:50:48,799
Speaker 1: that's it. I love those visuals. They're so powerful and

902
00:50:48,960 --> 00:50:52,319
Speaker 1: so beautiful and there's I mean, when you said the

903
00:50:52,320 --> 00:50:55,239
Speaker 1: bridge one, it reminded me of I believe this is

904
00:50:55,320 --> 00:50:59,640
Speaker 1: from the Christian tradition. I believe it's from the Bible.

905
00:50:59,719 --> 00:51:03,880
Speaker 1: But this statement says, the world is like a bridge.

906
00:51:04,040 --> 00:51:06,600
Speaker 1: Don't build your house on it, cross over it. And

907
00:51:06,719 --> 00:51:10,160
Speaker 1: I've always spiritually gravitated towards that statement very deeply. So

908
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:11,839
Speaker 1: when you said bridge, that was the first thing that

909
00:51:12,239 --> 00:51:14,800
Speaker 1: came to my mind. The world is like a bridge.

910
00:51:14,960 --> 00:51:16,920
Speaker 1: You know, I also liked the term a couple of reasons.

911
00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:20,279
Speaker 1: So you know, I was telling everybody earlier about how

912
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:23,480
Speaker 1: I woke up this morning and I'm here visiting my

913
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:25,640
Speaker 1: daughter who's twenty two and a senior in college, and

914
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:30,799
Speaker 1: I felt this profound sadness and I noticed it and

915
00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:34,239
Speaker 1: I allowed myself to feel it because I wouldn't feel

916
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:38,319
Speaker 1: that if I didn't love her so deeply. Right, And

917
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:42,560
Speaker 1: then I visualize this bridge, that this is just one

918
00:51:42,600 --> 00:51:47,040
Speaker 1: step on a very long bridge that I'm crossing, and

919
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:50,799
Speaker 1: a bridge that as a parent, like, the most important

920
00:51:50,800 --> 00:51:52,799
Speaker 1: thing that I need to do as a parent is

921
00:51:52,800 --> 00:51:56,680
Speaker 1: to encourage my children to fly into this world and

922
00:51:56,760 --> 00:51:59,280
Speaker 1: to leave and to become who they're meant to become,

923
00:51:59,320 --> 00:52:01,480
Speaker 1: which means going to leave, and there are a lot

924
00:52:01,480 --> 00:52:05,960
Speaker 1: of goodbyes and it sucks, but it's also beautiful. And

925
00:52:06,160 --> 00:52:08,759
Speaker 1: I also love this idea of a bridge because when

926
00:52:08,760 --> 00:52:14,919
Speaker 1: it comes to anxiety, when it comes to separation, there

927
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:18,040
Speaker 1: is this concept when you say goodbye to somebody, or

928
00:52:18,080 --> 00:52:21,239
Speaker 1: when you're about to leave somebody who's going to do

929
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:24,799
Speaker 1: something anxious, is you bridge that moment to the next

930
00:52:24,840 --> 00:52:26,799
Speaker 1: moment you're going to see them? So I'm sure you

931
00:52:26,840 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 1: do this. When you say goodbye to your parents in

932
00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:31,279
Speaker 1: the UK, you hog and say I can't you know?

933
00:52:31,320 --> 00:52:32,719
Speaker 1: For me, I just said, I can't wait to see

934
00:52:32,760 --> 00:52:36,839
Speaker 1: you on Thanksgiving break. I can't wait to hear how

935
00:52:36,880 --> 00:52:41,760
Speaker 1: this thing goes tomorrow, so that you are staying connected

936
00:52:41,880 --> 00:52:45,200
Speaker 1: and bridging and closing that kind of loop of something's ending,

937
00:52:45,239 --> 00:52:48,920
Speaker 1: because things are not truly really ending. Yeah, they're always

938
00:52:48,920 --> 00:52:52,120
Speaker 1: beginnings to something else. Yeah. One of the questions we

939
00:52:52,239 --> 00:52:55,280
Speaker 1: get in my DMS a lot and comments and everything

940
00:52:55,400 --> 00:52:58,719
Speaker 1: is and I think people subconsciously or consciously have this

941
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:01,360
Speaker 1: as well. The idea that you brought it about is

942
00:53:02,360 --> 00:53:07,279
Speaker 1: your parents' expectations. So either some people had parents who

943
00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:11,000
Speaker 1: had very high expectations or different expectations to what the

944
00:53:11,239 --> 00:53:14,000
Speaker 1: kids wanted, Like you're very aware that what your daughter

945
00:53:14,040 --> 00:53:16,160
Speaker 1: wants to be and you're happy to support it as

946
00:53:16,160 --> 00:53:18,080
Speaker 1: long as she wants to be it. Some people have

947
00:53:18,160 --> 00:53:21,160
Speaker 1: the experience of, well, my parents had very high expectations,

948
00:53:21,440 --> 00:53:25,640
Speaker 1: but they're not the expectations I want, Or my parents

949
00:53:25,880 --> 00:53:28,319
Speaker 1: actually didn't have any expectations of me, and they were

950
00:53:28,360 --> 00:53:31,719
Speaker 1: actually more negative and they actually didn't believe in me

951
00:53:31,760 --> 00:53:34,280
Speaker 1: at all and didn't really think I'd get anywhere anyway.

952
00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:37,000
Speaker 1: Or when I want to try something, I get the

953
00:53:37,040 --> 00:53:40,080
Speaker 1: toxic feedback of well, you're not going to make it anyway.

954
00:53:40,120 --> 00:53:44,840
Speaker 1: So I think we deal with parenting and a feeling

955
00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:48,719
Speaker 1: of not believing us in ourselves in two ways. One is,

956
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:51,080
Speaker 1: your parents saw the path they gave you it, but

957
00:53:51,160 --> 00:53:53,000
Speaker 1: you're like, that's not my path. This is and then

958
00:53:53,040 --> 00:53:55,160
Speaker 1: your parents don't believe in it, or your parents never

959
00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:56,759
Speaker 1: believed in any path you were to take. And I

960
00:53:56,760 --> 00:53:59,279
Speaker 1: think a lot of people I'm hearing right now are

961
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:02,360
Speaker 1: feeling like Jay, I'm just surrounded by family and friends

962
00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:04,680
Speaker 1: who don't believe in me, don't believe in my ideas,

963
00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:07,799
Speaker 1: don't believe in the partner I want to be with like,

964
00:54:07,960 --> 00:54:12,440
Speaker 1: I just don't feel like people support my decisions. Yeah,

965
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:14,719
Speaker 1: Chris and I have been married twenty six years. We

966
00:54:14,760 --> 00:54:17,840
Speaker 1: have three kids. They're twenty three, twenty two, and seventeen.

967
00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:20,480
Speaker 1: There is no doubt in my mind I've screwed them up.

968
00:54:22,040 --> 00:54:26,480
Speaker 1: How could you not? I mean, we're talking about millions

969
00:54:26,480 --> 00:54:32,560
Speaker 1: of moments where somebody needs emotional support and you are

970
00:54:32,719 --> 00:54:36,600
Speaker 1: a mismatch in that moment, right. And I love this

971
00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:41,760
Speaker 1: term of parental mismatch because it allows those of us

972
00:54:42,120 --> 00:54:44,759
Speaker 1: that still have a good relationship with our parents to

973
00:54:44,800 --> 00:54:49,120
Speaker 1: acknowledge a fact. And the fact is there are things

974
00:54:49,160 --> 00:54:51,360
Speaker 1: that went down in your childhood that you may not

975
00:54:51,440 --> 00:54:56,960
Speaker 1: even remember, that left you with negative or toxic thinking

976
00:54:57,000 --> 00:54:59,720
Speaker 1: patterns that you struggle to get rid of as an adult.

977
00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:03,680
Speaker 1: It is a fact, period. And so I want to

978
00:55:03,719 --> 00:55:05,799
Speaker 1: start off by saying that because we all deal with

979
00:55:05,840 --> 00:55:08,480
Speaker 1: this and it is a result of childhood. In fact,

980
00:55:08,520 --> 00:55:11,040
Speaker 1: doctor Russell Kennedy, who is amazing. You should have him

981
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:15,279
Speaker 1: on your podcast, says that all anxiety results from a

982
00:55:15,320 --> 00:55:18,839
Speaker 1: feeling of separation from your parents. When you're a kid,

983
00:55:19,120 --> 00:55:23,920
Speaker 1: probably before you were five, a moment where you felt separate.

984
00:55:24,040 --> 00:55:26,640
Speaker 1: There is a mismatch. Maybe you were sitting on the floor.

985
00:55:26,680 --> 00:55:29,040
Speaker 1: You don't even remember this, you're quietly playing, You're in

986
00:55:29,040 --> 00:55:31,719
Speaker 1: a happy space and mom or dad comes home and

987
00:55:31,760 --> 00:55:35,880
Speaker 1: they're frustrated, and all of a sudden, they lie, you know,

988
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:38,799
Speaker 1: like everybody does at some point, because everybody has a

989
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:43,000
Speaker 1: volcano moment. It's a fact, and it startles you as

990
00:55:43,040 --> 00:55:47,160
Speaker 1: a kid, your body remembers it. And there's this concept

991
00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:50,799
Speaker 1: in research called ghosts in the nursery that a lot

992
00:55:50,840 --> 00:55:54,840
Speaker 1: of us struggle as adults with behavior that we're like,

993
00:55:54,960 --> 00:55:58,839
Speaker 1: where did that come from? And where it comes from

994
00:55:59,480 --> 00:56:02,040
Speaker 1: is the fact that if you're now an adult and

995
00:56:02,120 --> 00:56:04,640
Speaker 1: you had an experience growing up in a household where

996
00:56:04,680 --> 00:56:08,600
Speaker 1: your parents raged, or your parents were abusive, or your

997
00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:11,640
Speaker 1: parents just ignored you and you just felt separate or

998
00:56:11,760 --> 00:56:15,680
Speaker 1: on edge, when you get into those same situations as

999
00:56:15,680 --> 00:56:18,960
Speaker 1: an adult, your body has a feeling first, we think,

1000
00:56:19,000 --> 00:56:21,680
Speaker 1: we think first, we don't. Your body has the feeling first,

1001
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:25,040
Speaker 1: and then your body repeats the behavior that you actually

1002
00:56:25,040 --> 00:56:29,279
Speaker 1: observed as a kid. I speak English because I observed

1003
00:56:29,280 --> 00:56:34,000
Speaker 1: and absorbed the language my parents spoke. And so there

1004
00:56:34,040 --> 00:56:36,560
Speaker 1: are patterns that you're struggling with that do not serve

1005
00:56:36,600 --> 00:56:39,319
Speaker 1: you as an adult that are not your own. And

1006
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:42,200
Speaker 1: so I want to say that first and foremost, Okay,

1007
00:56:42,280 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 1: that one of the greatest gifts of being an adult

1008
00:56:45,719 --> 00:56:49,680
Speaker 1: is separating from your parents and deciding how you want

1009
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:53,080
Speaker 1: to talk to yourself, how you want to change the

1010
00:56:53,120 --> 00:56:56,160
Speaker 1: way that you think, how you speak, how you support.

1011
00:56:56,200 --> 00:56:59,920
Speaker 1: So that's number one. Number two, it is so common

1012
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:05,560
Speaker 1: and natural to feel this kind of complex mix of

1013
00:57:05,640 --> 00:57:10,280
Speaker 1: guilt and of pressure to want to please your parents.

1014
00:57:10,680 --> 00:57:13,919
Speaker 1: Why because you needed them to survive as a kid.

1015
00:57:13,960 --> 00:57:16,840
Speaker 1: It's not like you could leave. And what we learn

1016
00:57:16,920 --> 00:57:19,760
Speaker 1: as kids is that there is a given, a take,

1017
00:57:19,960 --> 00:57:22,360
Speaker 1: and that oftentimes that love that you need and that

1018
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:26,120
Speaker 1: support that you need is very transactional. That mom and

1019
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:27,600
Speaker 1: dad are in a great mood, and you get a

1020
00:57:27,600 --> 00:57:30,960
Speaker 1: lot of attention when you're doing well in sports or

1021
00:57:31,000 --> 00:57:32,720
Speaker 1: doing well in school, or you're doing what they want

1022
00:57:32,760 --> 00:57:35,160
Speaker 1: them to do. And what we women learn in particular

1023
00:57:35,840 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 1: is that if you're not doing what I want you

1024
00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:42,840
Speaker 1: to do, that's bad because guilt, by definition, is feeling

1025
00:57:43,080 --> 00:57:47,360
Speaker 1: bad about what you just did. We learned that feeling

1026
00:57:47,520 --> 00:57:51,440
Speaker 1: during childhood, and it happens to everybody. And so I

1027
00:57:51,480 --> 00:57:53,440
Speaker 1: want to just say this because I want to normalize

1028
00:57:53,440 --> 00:57:55,640
Speaker 1: that these are things that don't mean that you're damaged.

1029
00:57:56,160 --> 00:58:00,360
Speaker 1: It's stuff that we have to heal for ourselves as adults.

1030
00:58:01,040 --> 00:58:06,920
Speaker 1: And so here's rule number one. If your parents or

1031
00:58:06,960 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: your family are not paying your bills, they have no vote.

1032
00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:15,040
Speaker 1: If your parents are paying for your bills, there is

1033
00:58:15,080 --> 00:58:18,400
Speaker 1: going to be power in what they're saying. There is

1034
00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:22,320
Speaker 1: a transaction there because they are paying your tuition or

1035
00:58:22,360 --> 00:58:25,360
Speaker 1: they are paying whatever, and not all parents are transformed.

1036
00:58:26,280 --> 00:58:29,400
Speaker 1: And so I'm saying that because one of the fastest

1037
00:58:29,440 --> 00:58:32,520
Speaker 1: ways to free yourself is to pay your own way.

1038
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:35,200
Speaker 1: And when you pay your own way, you start to

1039
00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:39,000
Speaker 1: feel very empowered to pave your own way. And that's

1040
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:41,560
Speaker 1: a really important thing, because I actually don't think it's

1041
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:45,480
Speaker 1: fair for somebody whose parents are paying for their rent

1042
00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:47,800
Speaker 1: and somebody whose parents are paying for their credit card,

1043
00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:50,040
Speaker 1: and somebody whose parents are paying for their car lane

1044
00:58:50,440 --> 00:58:53,640
Speaker 1: for you to then bitch about your parents' opinion about

1045
00:58:53,680 --> 00:58:57,440
Speaker 1: how you're spending your life because they're paying for your life.

1046
00:58:57,880 --> 00:59:00,160
Speaker 1: And so I feel like that's a little bit of

1047
00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:03,520
Speaker 1: a double standard. And I just happen to not believe

1048
00:59:04,160 --> 00:59:08,200
Speaker 1: that I pay for my kid's life, and therefore I

1049
00:59:08,240 --> 00:59:11,280
Speaker 1: control their life. I happen to believe as a parent

1050
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:14,160
Speaker 1: that my job is to help my kids figure out

1051
00:59:14,200 --> 00:59:17,760
Speaker 1: who they are. And you do that by listening. You

1052
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:20,680
Speaker 1: do that by validating their experiences. You do that by

1053
00:59:20,760 --> 00:59:23,920
Speaker 1: not seeing them as an extension of you that what

1054
00:59:24,080 --> 00:59:26,520
Speaker 1: school they get into somehow means that you're a good

1055
00:59:26,520 --> 00:59:29,120
Speaker 1: parent or a bad parent. The best thing that you

1056
00:59:29,120 --> 00:59:31,480
Speaker 1: could do for your kids is figure out what's going

1057
00:59:31,520 --> 00:59:33,400
Speaker 1: to make them happy and support them in doing that.

1058
00:59:33,880 --> 00:59:36,320
Speaker 1: And the other thing that you can do is help

1059
00:59:36,360 --> 00:59:39,480
Speaker 1: them make decisions by helping them figure out what decisions

1060
00:59:39,480 --> 00:59:42,960
Speaker 1: are right for them. So I'm saying all of this

1061
00:59:43,200 --> 00:59:47,959
Speaker 1: because zero to eighteen. So let's use another metaphor, because

1062
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:52,000
Speaker 1: I again love metaphors. Life's one big road trip. Okay,

1063
00:59:52,040 --> 00:59:54,800
Speaker 1: every year of your life is a mile marker from

1064
00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:57,480
Speaker 1: zero to eighteen. You're not even driving the damn car

1065
00:59:58,880 --> 01:00:02,000
Speaker 1: somebody else's. You're in somebody else's car. They're telling you

1066
01:00:02,040 --> 01:00:04,560
Speaker 1: what to do. They're controlling what's happening. The second you

1067
01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:07,520
Speaker 1: get to university or you leave home, you get to

1068
01:00:07,600 --> 01:00:10,640
Speaker 1: navigate your own life, but not if somebody else is

1069
01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:14,920
Speaker 1: paying for it. Yeah, I think that perspective is empowering

1070
01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:17,600
Speaker 1: if you're willing to take that risk. But what we've found,

1071
01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:21,200
Speaker 1: you know, the research shows this as well. There was

1072
01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:22,760
Speaker 1: a study a few years ago that I looked at

1073
01:00:22,760 --> 01:00:25,320
Speaker 1: which talked about how you know, with men and women,

1074
01:00:25,360 --> 01:00:29,040
Speaker 1: when when men see a job description and they can

1075
01:00:29,080 --> 01:00:33,760
Speaker 1: do like fifty to sixty percent, say I can do it, right,

1076
01:00:34,080 --> 01:00:36,440
Speaker 1: And then when a woman sees a job description and

1077
01:00:36,520 --> 01:00:38,400
Speaker 1: even if she can do eighty percent of it, she'd

1078
01:00:38,400 --> 01:00:41,080
Speaker 1: be like, I can't apply because I can't do twenty percent.

1079
01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:43,600
Speaker 1: And so I find that there's a we do it

1080
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:46,120
Speaker 1: in dating too, by the way, right, So yeah, so

1081
01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:51,880
Speaker 1: that that disproportionate self doubt that comes in there, or

1082
01:00:51,920 --> 01:00:55,040
Speaker 1: that lack of self confidence, as as someone who's a

1083
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:58,520
Speaker 1: mom of girls, like does that do you see that

1084
01:00:58,600 --> 01:01:01,080
Speaker 1: playing out differently for you and for them? And so

1085
01:01:01,480 --> 01:01:03,560
Speaker 1: there's a tremendous amount of research on this with girls

1086
01:01:03,560 --> 01:01:07,640
Speaker 1: and confidence. And I have a theory as to what happens,

1087
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:11,920
Speaker 1: and I know what age it happens at, typically for girls,

1088
01:01:12,280 --> 01:01:18,840
Speaker 1: because girls struggle with crippling perfectionism in numbers that far

1089
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:21,960
Speaker 1: outweigh what happens to boys. And I believe there is

1090
01:01:22,000 --> 01:01:25,000
Speaker 1: a specific reason why. So at the age of twelve,

1091
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:28,800
Speaker 1: boys and girls have the exact same levels of confidence. Jay,

1092
01:01:29,640 --> 01:01:33,480
Speaker 1: at the age of thirteen, girls confidence fall off a

1093
01:01:33,560 --> 01:01:37,680
Speaker 1: cliff according to the research, and I think I know why.

1094
01:01:37,840 --> 01:01:40,760
Speaker 1: The reason why, in my personal opinion, is because that

1095
01:01:40,880 --> 01:01:43,960
Speaker 1: is the average age that a girl goes through puberty

1096
01:01:44,040 --> 01:01:47,640
Speaker 1: and she starts menstruating. Now, here's the interesting thing about

1097
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:51,720
Speaker 1: girls when they go through puberty. It's like a public conversation.

1098
01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:54,720
Speaker 1: And what's the first thing that somebody says to a

1099
01:01:54,800 --> 01:01:58,520
Speaker 1: little girl when they get their period? You're a woman now,

1100
01:01:59,480 --> 01:02:03,280
Speaker 1: And it's also something that happens to your body. So

1101
01:02:03,320 --> 01:02:07,880
Speaker 1: there's this like implied maturing, this implied notion of sex.

1102
01:02:08,360 --> 01:02:10,640
Speaker 1: There's also the fact that your boobs are growing and

1103
01:02:10,640 --> 01:02:12,800
Speaker 1: your budding, and people are self conscious, and so now

1104
01:02:12,840 --> 01:02:15,760
Speaker 1: you're wearing a sweatshirt. You also know who's got their period. Somehow,

1105
01:02:15,800 --> 01:02:18,640
Speaker 1: everybody knows when this is happening. Everybody's talking about it,

1106
01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:23,960
Speaker 1: and so you in that moment lose the control of

1107
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:27,480
Speaker 1: the conversation about your body. And for most girls, it's

1108
01:02:27,520 --> 01:02:31,720
Speaker 1: incredibly uncomfortable. Like I remember one of my daughters wore

1109
01:02:31,800 --> 01:02:34,800
Speaker 1: like a gigantic sweatshirt for two years just to hide

1110
01:02:34,880 --> 01:02:37,680
Speaker 1: her developing body. Other girls might show it off because

1111
01:02:37,720 --> 01:02:41,120
Speaker 1: you get more attention, but it becomes this public conversation

1112
01:02:41,400 --> 01:02:44,520
Speaker 1: about where you are in relation to everybody else, and

1113
01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:48,760
Speaker 1: most girls, in addition to the socialization that you get

1114
01:02:48,800 --> 01:02:52,480
Speaker 1: from the media and from culture, you start then wishing

1115
01:02:52,520 --> 01:02:55,800
Speaker 1: you look different. You start to obsess about yourself. If

1116
01:02:55,800 --> 01:02:57,160
Speaker 1: I could just get a perfect if I wear the

1117
01:02:57,160 --> 01:02:59,240
Speaker 1: perfect sweatshirt, then nobody's going to notice, and you start

1118
01:02:59,280 --> 01:03:05,400
Speaker 1: micromanaging as a defense mechanism to public judgment. That's what

1119
01:03:05,440 --> 01:03:08,720
Speaker 1: I think happens because the perfectionism is off the church too.

1120
01:03:08,960 --> 01:03:12,160
Speaker 1: When you dudes get hit puberty, it's typically when you're fifteen,

1121
01:03:12,760 --> 01:03:15,840
Speaker 1: and it benefits you. I mean, because we're not talking

1122
01:03:15,840 --> 01:03:18,120
Speaker 1: about what's happening with your balls, right, It's not like

1123
01:03:18,160 --> 01:03:21,480
Speaker 1: some conversation about that. We're talking about the fact that

1124
01:03:21,480 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 1: your voice is deeper, you've gotten taller. It benefits you

1125
01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:27,960
Speaker 1: in high school sports, and so it doesn't impact your

1126
01:03:27,960 --> 01:03:31,680
Speaker 1: guys's confidence. It actually helps you. And that's where it

1127
01:03:31,720 --> 01:03:36,560
Speaker 1: begins in my personal opinion, along with the fact that

1128
01:03:36,600 --> 01:03:41,600
Speaker 1: there's so much that happens generation generationally, where boys are

1129
01:03:41,680 --> 01:03:44,600
Speaker 1: encouraged to take risks. Boys are in sports where they're

1130
01:03:44,640 --> 01:03:48,000
Speaker 1: knocked around, boys are picked up and shoved back in

1131
01:03:48,040 --> 01:03:51,360
Speaker 1: the game. Girls are coddled a little bit more and

1132
01:03:51,480 --> 01:03:54,160
Speaker 1: told to be a good girl, be a nice sister,

1133
01:03:54,320 --> 01:03:57,280
Speaker 1: go hug your uncle. All those things that send a

1134
01:03:57,440 --> 01:04:01,880
Speaker 1: message that leads to the struggling with confidence. What do

1135
01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:04,760
Speaker 1: you think, then, are some of the things that you

1136
01:04:04,800 --> 01:04:07,840
Speaker 1: did later on and you want for your daughters to

1137
01:04:07,880 --> 01:04:10,160
Speaker 1: do to develop better confidence? Like, what are some of

1138
01:04:10,160 --> 01:04:15,240
Speaker 1: those steps towards better confidence? Because I think it's it's

1139
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:19,040
Speaker 1: so difficult right to confidence requires you to do so

1140
01:04:19,080 --> 01:04:22,200
Speaker 1: many things you don't want to do to develop it. Yeah,

1141
01:04:22,280 --> 01:04:24,760
Speaker 1: Like I think the problem with the word confidence when

1142
01:04:24,760 --> 01:04:26,080
Speaker 1: I look it up in the dictionary, it's one of

1143
01:04:26,160 --> 01:04:29,919
Speaker 1: my favorite definitions of a word. One of the definitions

1144
01:04:30,160 --> 01:04:36,120
Speaker 1: is acknowledgement and self assurance in one's own abilities. Right, Like,

1145
01:04:36,160 --> 01:04:39,840
Speaker 1: you're acknowledging and you are aware of and you're reassured

1146
01:04:39,920 --> 01:04:43,720
Speaker 1: of your own abilities and your qualities. And so when

1147
01:04:43,720 --> 01:04:46,240
Speaker 1: I look at that definition, I go, Okay, that requires

1148
01:04:46,240 --> 01:04:50,560
Speaker 1: you to do things that, like you don't build your

1149
01:04:50,640 --> 01:04:54,720
Speaker 1: self respect when you sat out on the beach but

1150
01:04:54,840 --> 01:04:56,560
Speaker 1: you do build your self respect when you went and

1151
01:04:56,920 --> 01:04:59,080
Speaker 1: hiked up a hill and then walked back down. Right, Like,

1152
01:04:59,120 --> 01:05:02,400
Speaker 1: your self confidence doesn't grow because you sat out in

1153
01:05:02,440 --> 01:05:05,439
Speaker 1: your garden and didn't do anything. Your self confidence grew

1154
01:05:05,520 --> 01:05:08,320
Speaker 1: because you learned how to God and do something right.

1155
01:05:08,560 --> 01:05:11,280
Speaker 1: Your self respect, self esteem and self confidence grow when

1156
01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:15,360
Speaker 1: you do things, yeah, that are not obvious or easy

1157
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:18,280
Speaker 1: or simple. Right, But like you're saying, we don't trained

1158
01:05:18,320 --> 01:05:19,880
Speaker 1: in that way. So what are some of the steps

1159
01:05:19,920 --> 01:05:22,600
Speaker 1: that people could take towards self Confidat first, here's what

1160
01:05:22,640 --> 01:05:23,640
Speaker 1: I want to tell you, and then I'll give you

1161
01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:26,720
Speaker 1: some steps. So confidence is one of those topics, Jay,

1162
01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:31,320
Speaker 1: that we have backwards. Everybody hears the word confidence and

1163
01:05:31,360 --> 01:05:35,040
Speaker 1: they think it's belief. Like up here, yeah, I agree. Confidence.

1164
01:05:35,160 --> 01:05:37,320
Speaker 1: My definition of confidence that I want everyone to walk

1165
01:05:37,360 --> 01:05:41,400
Speaker 1: away with is confidence is the willingness to try. In research,

1166
01:05:41,480 --> 01:05:46,360
Speaker 1: there is something called the confidence competency loop, and what

1167
01:05:46,440 --> 01:05:50,560
Speaker 1: that means is that as you try something for the

1168
01:05:50,600 --> 01:05:52,920
Speaker 1: first time, like I was curling my hair this morning

1169
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:57,400
Speaker 1: and I freaking burned my ear, and my daughter casually says,

1170
01:05:57,920 --> 01:06:02,880
Speaker 1: got to learn somehow by trying and by the way,

1171
01:06:02,920 --> 01:06:06,000
Speaker 1: screwing it up and burning my ear, I still am

1172
01:06:06,040 --> 01:06:08,720
Speaker 1: gaining a little bit of competence. I know to hold

1173
01:06:08,760 --> 01:06:10,959
Speaker 1: this thing a little bit further away from my ear.

1174
01:06:11,040 --> 01:06:15,400
Speaker 1: Now by gaining competence by burning my ear, I now

1175
01:06:15,760 --> 01:06:17,840
Speaker 1: am going to try again, and I'm gonna be a

1176
01:06:17,880 --> 01:06:20,200
Speaker 1: little bit better, and I'm going to gain a little

1177
01:06:20,200 --> 01:06:22,160
Speaker 1: bit more competence, and then I'm going to try again

1178
01:06:22,400 --> 01:06:25,720
Speaker 1: and I'm going to learn even more. And so confidence,

1179
01:06:25,800 --> 01:06:30,440
Speaker 1: at the heart of confidence is action. It's the willingness

1180
01:06:30,480 --> 01:06:34,400
Speaker 1: to try. And all you need is to know that

1181
01:06:34,440 --> 01:06:38,200
Speaker 1: if you try, you're not going to die. You're just

1182
01:06:38,280 --> 01:06:41,520
Speaker 1: going to learn something. And when you learn something, it

1183
01:06:41,600 --> 01:06:44,520
Speaker 1: removes a little bit of the insecurity so that it

1184
01:06:44,560 --> 01:06:48,440
Speaker 1: makes it slightly easier to try again. And so I

1185
01:06:48,480 --> 01:06:53,320
Speaker 1: would follow the sixty percent rule, okay, And I use

1186
01:06:53,400 --> 01:06:56,120
Speaker 1: sixty percent because that is the figure that was in

1187
01:06:56,160 --> 01:06:59,520
Speaker 1: the HP study about men applying for jobs when they

1188
01:06:59,560 --> 01:07:04,760
Speaker 1: feel sixty percent qualified. If you look at something that

1189
01:07:04,840 --> 01:07:08,320
Speaker 1: you want to do or try or apply for and

1190
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:13,280
Speaker 1: you feel whether it's sixty percent qualified, okay, I got

1191
01:07:13,320 --> 01:07:15,400
Speaker 1: sixty percent of the stuff. Because the truth is a

1192
01:07:15,480 --> 01:07:19,520
Speaker 1: job description everybody a dating profile that is not requirements,

1193
01:07:19,840 --> 01:07:22,560
Speaker 1: that's a wish list. Okay, if you got sixty percent

1194
01:07:22,600 --> 01:07:25,600
Speaker 1: of this stuff, freaking go for it. That's rule number one,

1195
01:07:25,640 --> 01:07:27,840
Speaker 1: the sixty percent rule. The other thing is is that

1196
01:07:27,920 --> 01:07:31,080
Speaker 1: if you're looking at doing something that you're scared to do,

1197
01:07:31,440 --> 01:07:33,800
Speaker 1: maybe it's signing up for an improv class, maybe it

1198
01:07:34,080 --> 01:07:37,400
Speaker 1: is ordering the podcast equipment, maybe it's signing up for

1199
01:07:37,480 --> 01:07:39,640
Speaker 1: genius like even thinking about even thinking about it, you're

1200
01:07:39,680 --> 01:07:43,480
Speaker 1: thinking about it. If you on a scale, you're on

1201
01:07:43,520 --> 01:07:47,320
Speaker 1: this teeter totter, if you tip more toward I'd really

1202
01:07:47,320 --> 01:07:51,680
Speaker 1: like to so about sixty percent, right, wait versus forty percent.

1203
01:07:51,720 --> 01:07:54,880
Speaker 1: I'm kind of nervous, freaking do it. That's how you

1204
01:07:54,920 --> 01:07:58,120
Speaker 1: build confidence because back to the original thing that we're

1205
01:07:58,160 --> 01:08:05,080
Speaker 1: talking about, self doutgrows when you engage in negative talk

1206
01:08:05,440 --> 01:08:07,560
Speaker 1: to talk yourself out of the things you want to

1207
01:08:07,560 --> 01:08:12,400
Speaker 1: be trying. There is so much pain, jay in talking

1208
01:08:12,440 --> 01:08:16,680
Speaker 1: yourself out of trying things, and it just makes me

1209
01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:20,640
Speaker 1: so sad and frustrated to see so many of you

1210
01:08:20,760 --> 01:08:26,799
Speaker 1: that are listening wasting years of your life really feeling

1211
01:08:26,880 --> 01:08:31,320
Speaker 1: this desire to try something and putting all your energy,

1212
01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:35,320
Speaker 1: all your energy into talking yourself out of it. Here's

1213
01:08:35,400 --> 01:08:38,320
Speaker 1: something that I just recorded an episode about this, and

1214
01:08:38,360 --> 01:08:40,200
Speaker 1: it's the fall, so I'm thinking a lot about the

1215
01:08:40,240 --> 01:08:43,639
Speaker 1: fact that in the fall season, at least in New England,

1216
01:08:43,880 --> 01:08:45,640
Speaker 1: and I realize in other areas of the world, is

1217
01:08:45,640 --> 01:08:48,479
Speaker 1: not the fall right now, the leaves fall off the tree.

1218
01:08:48,720 --> 01:08:52,400
Speaker 1: Right here's an interesting fact. This is not a beautiful,

1219
01:08:52,439 --> 01:08:57,120
Speaker 1: graceful thing that happens. The tree pushes those frickers off

1220
01:08:57,120 --> 01:09:01,680
Speaker 1: its branches as an act of survival because leaves have

1221
01:09:01,720 --> 01:09:04,280
Speaker 1: a huge surface area and they require a lot of

1222
01:09:04,280 --> 01:09:07,120
Speaker 1: water to be able to capture the sun and convert

1223
01:09:07,160 --> 01:09:10,240
Speaker 1: it into energy for the tree. And overwinter there ain't

1224
01:09:10,240 --> 01:09:13,479
Speaker 1: no water, and if those trees are there, the leaves

1225
01:09:13,520 --> 01:09:16,400
Speaker 1: are there, the tree is going to die. And it's

1226
01:09:16,400 --> 01:09:20,840
Speaker 1: an energy conserver. It is an energy issue. You are

1227
01:09:20,920 --> 01:09:27,000
Speaker 1: putting so much negative energy into things that you won't

1228
01:09:27,040 --> 01:09:32,599
Speaker 1: let go of complaining into relationships that don't work, into

1229
01:09:32,640 --> 01:09:35,799
Speaker 1: your excuses. Do you know how much energy it takes

1230
01:09:35,840 --> 01:09:39,320
Speaker 1: to walk into a job you can't stand and yet

1231
01:09:39,360 --> 01:09:43,320
Speaker 1: you do it every day. Imagine if instead of sitting

1232
01:09:43,360 --> 01:09:49,040
Speaker 1: at your desk resisting, complaining, gossiping, and coming up with excuses,

1233
01:09:49,280 --> 01:09:53,519
Speaker 1: imagine if you just redirected some of that energy towards

1234
01:09:53,800 --> 01:09:57,679
Speaker 1: looking for something else that, like the leaves get pushed

1235
01:09:57,680 --> 01:09:59,600
Speaker 1: off a tree, you make a decision that today I

1236
01:09:59,640 --> 01:10:02,439
Speaker 1: am actual going to let go of the gossiping and

1237
01:10:02,479 --> 01:10:05,320
Speaker 1: complaining about this because that is zapping my energy and

1238
01:10:05,360 --> 01:10:09,519
Speaker 1: I'm going to direct my energy it's something positive because

1239
01:10:09,560 --> 01:10:11,920
Speaker 1: once I get rid of that, I got room for

1240
01:10:12,000 --> 01:10:17,360
Speaker 1: something positive to grow. And complaining to yourself and robbing

1241
01:10:17,400 --> 01:10:21,840
Speaker 1: yourself of just trying something. Yeah, and we don't think

1242
01:10:21,880 --> 01:10:24,719
Speaker 1: about it that way. It takes the same amount of energy.

1243
01:10:25,160 --> 01:10:28,160
Speaker 1: I think more yeah more potentially it definitely. Yeah, it's

1244
01:10:28,200 --> 01:10:31,000
Speaker 1: more draining, but it is, if anyone wants to think

1245
01:10:31,040 --> 01:10:34,479
Speaker 1: about it, Yeah, it's it's that same energy just put

1246
01:10:34,520 --> 01:10:37,240
Speaker 1: in a different direction could change the cause it does

1247
01:10:37,360 --> 01:10:39,479
Speaker 1: change the course. And it just needs to try it.

1248
01:10:39,640 --> 01:10:42,479
Speaker 1: I love that willingness to try. So the sixty percent rule,

1249
01:10:42,920 --> 01:10:46,000
Speaker 1: there's one takeaway and confidence. Okay. The second thing that

1250
01:10:46,040 --> 01:10:48,240
Speaker 1: you can do with confidence, because it's action basis, is

1251
01:10:48,240 --> 01:10:50,639
Speaker 1: where the five second rule is a game changer. Just

1252
01:10:50,840 --> 01:10:53,599
Speaker 1: use my five second rule. Literally in those moments where

1253
01:10:53,600 --> 01:10:56,280
Speaker 1: you feel self dowtkick in, you got to be careful

1254
01:10:56,800 --> 01:10:59,920
Speaker 1: because you have a habit of hesitating you have a

1255
01:11:00,120 --> 01:11:02,920
Speaker 1: habit of doing what psychologists say you have a bias

1256
01:11:02,960 --> 01:11:06,680
Speaker 1: towards thinking. And so a second takeaway is use my

1257
01:11:06,720 --> 01:11:09,280
Speaker 1: five second rule. And when you catch yourself hesitating, when

1258
01:11:09,320 --> 01:11:12,240
Speaker 1: you catch the self doubtcoming in, when you catch the

1259
01:11:12,280 --> 01:11:15,840
Speaker 1: feelings and the excuses rise up, count backwards five four, three,

1260
01:11:15,960 --> 01:11:19,120
Speaker 1: two one, and by the time you get to one,

1261
01:11:19,439 --> 01:11:22,240
Speaker 1: the prefrontal cortex will have focused on the counting and

1262
01:11:22,280 --> 01:11:25,680
Speaker 1: you've got literally a split second to move. And the

1263
01:11:25,720 --> 01:11:29,360
Speaker 1: trick about this is when you start counting, you've made

1264
01:11:29,400 --> 01:11:33,280
Speaker 1: a decision to try, and the counting itself is like

1265
01:11:33,320 --> 01:11:36,840
Speaker 1: a trojan horse because it's the first action. Yeah. I

1266
01:11:36,920 --> 01:11:38,960
Speaker 1: love that rule, and the book's there too, in case

1267
01:11:39,000 --> 01:11:41,880
Speaker 1: anyone needs all the added information I think I lost.

1268
01:11:41,960 --> 01:11:44,639
Speaker 1: Interview is all about that. So I want to ask

1269
01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:47,400
Speaker 1: you about one final area of thought because we were

1270
01:11:47,400 --> 01:11:50,200
Speaker 1: talking about it before and I think a lot of

1271
01:11:50,240 --> 01:11:52,360
Speaker 1: our community. Does I have to ask you because I

1272
01:11:52,479 --> 01:11:54,880
Speaker 1: just wrote a book quote eight Rules of Love, which

1273
01:11:54,920 --> 01:11:58,920
Speaker 1: is out next year, and I talk about this in

1274
01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:01,280
Speaker 1: one of the chapters to hear your perspective on it.

1275
01:12:01,280 --> 01:12:05,280
Speaker 1: But the idea where you've been married for twenty six years, right,

1276
01:12:05,400 --> 01:12:11,720
Speaker 1: Congratulations as incredible and that's beautiful. In that time, you

1277
01:12:11,760 --> 01:12:14,120
Speaker 1: and your partner are going to go through different stages

1278
01:12:14,120 --> 01:12:19,400
Speaker 1: of personal growth, personal evolution, collect collective growth, collective evolution.

1279
01:12:20,000 --> 01:12:22,240
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're going to feel ahead, they're going to feel behind.

1280
01:12:22,240 --> 01:12:24,320
Speaker 1: Someone's they're going to feel ahead, you're going to feel behind.

1281
01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:27,759
Speaker 1: Sometimes it's not even about ahead or behind. The question

1282
01:12:27,800 --> 01:12:31,160
Speaker 1: I have is if someone's listening and their partner, or

1283
01:12:31,160 --> 01:12:34,000
Speaker 1: even if they're not in a relationship, their friend. I

1284
01:12:34,120 --> 01:12:35,439
Speaker 1: was just mean to someone the other day and they

1285
01:12:35,439 --> 01:12:38,639
Speaker 1: were saying, yeah, my friend is a bit envious that

1286
01:12:38,800 --> 01:12:41,760
Speaker 1: I just landed my dream job, just meeting the guy

1287
01:12:41,840 --> 01:12:44,360
Speaker 1: that I You know, we always feel ahead or behind

1288
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:46,960
Speaker 1: of the people that were closest too, even if we

1289
01:12:47,120 --> 01:12:49,519
Speaker 1: love them and we want them to win. There's that feeling.

1290
01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:52,320
Speaker 1: If someone's in a relationship, someone's got a friend that's

1291
01:12:52,600 --> 01:12:56,120
Speaker 1: feeling behind, or maybe they're the person who's feeling behind

1292
01:12:56,200 --> 01:12:59,640
Speaker 1: someone else. What do we do in that scenario? How

1293
01:12:59,680 --> 01:13:03,599
Speaker 1: do we support ourselves support others? How can we think

1294
01:13:03,640 --> 01:13:06,200
Speaker 1: through that? Because I think feeling ahead or behind is

1295
01:13:06,240 --> 01:13:10,000
Speaker 1: never fun. Even feeling a head is not fun. Yeah,

1296
01:13:10,000 --> 01:13:16,559
Speaker 1: when you feel behind, that's your insecurity, putting a lid

1297
01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:19,360
Speaker 1: on what you believe is possible for you. So that's

1298
01:13:19,479 --> 01:13:23,680
Speaker 1: number one. Recognize that it is that's insecurity blocking you,

1299
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:26,920
Speaker 1: and you can use that as a sign that, oh,

1300
01:13:27,160 --> 01:13:29,240
Speaker 1: all I have to do is start walking toward things.

1301
01:13:29,560 --> 01:13:32,439
Speaker 1: The second thing I want to share with everybody is

1302
01:13:32,720 --> 01:13:40,559
Speaker 1: that it is normal to feel envious or even be

1303
01:13:40,720 --> 01:13:45,080
Speaker 1: somewhat of a jerk when somebody that you care about changes.

1304
01:13:45,160 --> 01:13:48,160
Speaker 1: And I want to tell a story to explain why.

1305
01:13:49,120 --> 01:13:54,679
Speaker 1: And the story I'm the villain, Okay, basically the role

1306
01:13:54,720 --> 01:13:58,920
Speaker 1: I've played in my marriage port Chris. Chris is wonderful. Yes,

1307
01:13:59,120 --> 01:14:03,559
Speaker 1: Chris is amazing. So Chris a couple of years ago

1308
01:14:03,600 --> 01:14:07,960
Speaker 1: decided he was going to completely stop drinking. And he

1309
01:14:08,000 --> 01:14:10,200
Speaker 1: went on this deep spiritual journey and he was going

1310
01:14:10,240 --> 01:14:12,240
Speaker 1: to stop drinking for a couple of years, and he

1311
01:14:12,280 --> 01:14:15,320
Speaker 1: became a Buddhist meditation instructor and a yoga instructor and

1312
01:14:15,320 --> 01:14:20,360
Speaker 1: started his men's retreat business. And I'll never forget the

1313
01:14:20,520 --> 01:14:25,320
Speaker 1: first night that he was not drinking, I opened up

1314
01:14:25,320 --> 01:14:28,320
Speaker 1: a bottle of rose. I'm pouring a glass of rose.

1315
01:14:29,439 --> 01:14:35,000
Speaker 1: Everything's great because I'm cooking great. The second night, as

1316
01:14:35,000 --> 01:14:37,240
Speaker 1: I'm opening up a bottle of rose, and Chris is

1317
01:14:37,280 --> 01:14:40,160
Speaker 1: like cracking open, like I don't know, like a Saint Croix.

1318
01:14:40,360 --> 01:14:44,759
Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel agitation. I'm starting to feel the campaign,

1319
01:14:45,040 --> 01:14:48,040
Speaker 1: the complaining this and the that, and I notice it

1320
01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:51,080
Speaker 1: and I'm like, don't say anything. The third day is

1321
01:14:51,120 --> 01:14:54,599
Speaker 1: when mel the villain showed up. And I'm not proud

1322
01:14:54,640 --> 01:14:57,120
Speaker 1: to admit this, but I want everybody to hear this

1323
01:14:57,200 --> 01:15:01,760
Speaker 1: so you understand what's actually happening inside of your relationship.

1324
01:15:02,600 --> 01:15:05,960
Speaker 1: I crack open the rose. I'm pouring my glass of

1325
01:15:05,960 --> 01:15:10,040
Speaker 1: wine and I turned to Chris and I'm like, come on,

1326
01:15:11,320 --> 01:15:13,760
Speaker 1: you want to have glass rose with me? And he says, no,

1327
01:15:14,200 --> 01:15:18,439
Speaker 1: I'm good, and I said, it's like juice. It's like

1328
01:15:19,760 --> 01:15:27,040
Speaker 1: cher I do not want a glass of wine. Stop

1329
01:15:27,120 --> 01:15:30,200
Speaker 1: asking me. And I said, okay, I'm sorry, it's just

1330
01:15:30,360 --> 01:15:33,719
Speaker 1: that it makes me feel bad. And this is when

1331
01:15:33,960 --> 01:15:40,639
Speaker 1: he said something that just he said, nobody cares what's

1332
01:15:40,680 --> 01:15:44,400
Speaker 1: in your glass but you. And if what I'm putting

1333
01:15:44,400 --> 01:15:48,120
Speaker 1: in my glass makes you question what you're putting in yours,

1334
01:15:49,040 --> 01:15:51,559
Speaker 1: then maybe you have some work to do. And it

1335
01:15:51,800 --> 01:15:56,920
Speaker 1: is easier everybody to question somebody else's change. And even

1336
01:15:57,000 --> 01:16:02,679
Speaker 1: sabotage it because they're change and growth creates a change

1337
01:16:02,720 --> 01:16:07,519
Speaker 1: in energy and ripples and changes in patterns that make

1338
01:16:07,720 --> 01:16:11,439
Speaker 1: you wake up and start realizing that maybe some of

1339
01:16:11,439 --> 01:16:15,720
Speaker 1: the things you do don't work for you. So when

1340
01:16:15,720 --> 01:16:18,280
Speaker 1: that friend of yours stays in to write a business plan,

1341
01:16:18,400 --> 01:16:20,639
Speaker 1: how many of us on a Saturday night and you're like, oh,

1342
01:16:20,640 --> 01:16:22,880
Speaker 1: come on, you work on it tomorrow. Do you have

1343
01:16:22,920 --> 01:16:24,720
Speaker 1: to go to the gym today? Stay in bed with me.

1344
01:16:26,200 --> 01:16:32,200
Speaker 1: That's that same behavior of dragging somebody to join in

1345
01:16:32,320 --> 01:16:36,200
Speaker 1: with you and pour what's in your cup. And so

1346
01:16:36,439 --> 01:16:39,120
Speaker 1: I want you to understand this is normal, and it's

1347
01:16:39,160 --> 01:16:42,760
Speaker 1: a really good sign because it means that your behavior

1348
01:16:43,040 --> 01:16:46,559
Speaker 1: is not only changing you, but is sending waves at

1349
01:16:46,600 --> 01:16:49,120
Speaker 1: somebody else that has just given them a wake up call.

1350
01:16:49,640 --> 01:16:52,639
Speaker 1: And most of us push against those wake up calls,

1351
01:16:52,640 --> 01:16:55,519
Speaker 1: and that's what they're doing because you're very safe to

1352
01:16:55,560 --> 01:17:00,640
Speaker 1: do it with. And so that's something that's really important understand.

1353
01:17:01,439 --> 01:17:04,960
Speaker 1: And I find that the best way to support somebody,

1354
01:17:05,000 --> 01:17:07,920
Speaker 1: because we all know we can't change somebody else, is

1355
01:17:08,400 --> 01:17:15,799
Speaker 1: you keep a laser focus on what you're doing, because

1356
01:17:15,840 --> 01:17:19,400
Speaker 1: the bigger the change becomes, and the happier you become,

1357
01:17:20,240 --> 01:17:23,160
Speaker 1: the more difficult it's going to be for your friend

1358
01:17:23,280 --> 01:17:26,360
Speaker 1: or your family to ignore it, and the more it's

1359
01:17:26,439 --> 01:17:31,479
Speaker 1: going to stir up more things and eventually inspiration. And

1360
01:17:31,600 --> 01:17:35,160
Speaker 1: the best thing that you can do is ask leading questions.

1361
01:17:35,240 --> 01:17:37,960
Speaker 1: Do not tell somebody what to do. That is the

1362
01:17:38,000 --> 01:17:40,280
Speaker 1: worst thing you can do in a relationship or friendship

1363
01:17:40,360 --> 01:17:45,040
Speaker 1: or as a parent. Instead, like literally, hey, you don't

1364
01:17:45,040 --> 01:17:48,240
Speaker 1: seem happy. Is there anything that I can do to help? You?

1365
01:17:48,280 --> 01:17:51,200
Speaker 1: Don't seem like yourself? Is something going on? Do you

1366
01:17:51,240 --> 01:17:56,200
Speaker 1: need support in something? And you know, my favorite sentence

1367
01:17:56,240 --> 01:17:58,120
Speaker 1: on the planet as a parent and as a wife

1368
01:17:58,240 --> 01:18:01,400
Speaker 1: is do you need me to listen? Or would you

1369
01:18:01,400 --> 01:18:04,920
Speaker 1: like to know what I'm thinking? And nine times out

1370
01:18:04,960 --> 01:18:07,240
Speaker 1: of ten, my kids, my husband, the folks that work

1371
01:18:07,280 --> 01:18:10,040
Speaker 1: for me, they just want me to listen. And so

1372
01:18:10,080 --> 01:18:14,800
Speaker 1: I think when you create an opening for somebody to

1373
01:18:14,840 --> 01:18:18,599
Speaker 1: stop engaging in their own self doubt and their own

1374
01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:23,320
Speaker 1: very active and painful kind of reasons why they can't

1375
01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,360
Speaker 1: join you at the gym, or reasons why they're not

1376
01:18:25,400 --> 01:18:27,360
Speaker 1: going to meditate, or reasons why they're not going to

1377
01:18:27,439 --> 01:18:30,200
Speaker 1: join you in dry January or whatever it may be,

1378
01:18:30,960 --> 01:18:32,800
Speaker 1: or the reasons why they can't. Can't we all have

1379
01:18:32,800 --> 01:18:34,519
Speaker 1: a friend, can't look for a job, never going to

1380
01:18:34,560 --> 01:18:37,240
Speaker 1: find anybody. That's not true, and you know it. So

1381
01:18:37,520 --> 01:18:41,839
Speaker 1: create the space. You be the light on the path ahead.

1382
01:18:42,439 --> 01:18:47,160
Speaker 1: And when you hold your light higher, eventually that jealousy

1383
01:18:47,280 --> 01:18:51,760
Speaker 1: and those excuses, it actually allows it to disappear and

1384
01:18:51,800 --> 01:18:55,559
Speaker 1: you become part of the force that pulls them forward.

1385
01:18:55,920 --> 01:18:58,559
Speaker 1: And the other thing you have to understand is that

1386
01:18:58,600 --> 01:19:00,599
Speaker 1: there are going to be legs of your journey in life,

1387
01:19:00,600 --> 01:19:02,880
Speaker 1: and this is one of the hardest things. Where people

1388
01:19:02,880 --> 01:19:04,840
Speaker 1: are going to pull off and take a different route.

1389
01:19:05,360 --> 01:19:10,759
Speaker 1: That's okay. They may come back at another time, that's okay.

1390
01:19:10,800 --> 01:19:15,040
Speaker 1: And you know. The final thing that I wanted to

1391
01:19:15,080 --> 01:19:18,320
Speaker 1: say about this is it's a very simple exercise that

1392
01:19:18,360 --> 01:19:23,560
Speaker 1: you can do with somebody. And this helps somebody who

1393
01:19:24,040 --> 01:19:26,400
Speaker 1: is either struggling with happiness and doesn't know how to

1394
01:19:26,400 --> 01:19:30,920
Speaker 1: get started, or is struggling with confidence and is not

1395
01:19:31,520 --> 01:19:38,240
Speaker 1: able to take action, or who is resisting the changes

1396
01:19:38,680 --> 01:19:41,240
Speaker 1: that you are doing, and you would love to see

1397
01:19:41,280 --> 01:19:45,479
Speaker 1: them do. We did this with our daughter who is

1398
01:19:45,520 --> 01:19:48,160
Speaker 1: now twenty three, and last summer when she graduated from

1399
01:19:48,160 --> 01:19:51,920
Speaker 1: college really unhappy. I mean two years of college had

1400
01:19:51,920 --> 01:19:56,400
Speaker 1: been imploded, and she was extremely depressed and basically just

1401
01:19:56,840 --> 01:20:01,800
Speaker 1: drank her way through it and graduated and was not happy,

1402
01:20:01,960 --> 01:20:05,000
Speaker 1: big life change. Nothing was going according to plan. She

1403
01:20:05,080 --> 01:20:07,080
Speaker 1: had planned this huge trip to go to Cambodia and

1404
01:20:07,120 --> 01:20:09,679
Speaker 1: do a big service trip for four months that wasn't

1405
01:20:09,680 --> 01:20:14,400
Speaker 1: going to happen. Just lost. And so Chris and I

1406
01:20:14,439 --> 01:20:16,880
Speaker 1: sat with her for a couple hours and then I said,

1407
01:20:16,920 --> 01:20:18,439
Speaker 1: and She's like, I don't know what to do. I'm

1408
01:20:18,479 --> 01:20:20,400
Speaker 1: twenty two, I'm stuck, am miserable. I don't even know

1409
01:20:20,439 --> 01:20:22,120
Speaker 1: how to start. And I said, I actually think you do.

1410
01:20:23,240 --> 01:20:25,720
Speaker 1: I think you're just scared. Take out a blank piece

1411
01:20:25,760 --> 01:20:29,479
Speaker 1: of paper, draw a line down the center on the

1412
01:20:29,600 --> 01:20:34,800
Speaker 1: left hand side. I want you to write happy me. Now,

1413
01:20:34,840 --> 01:20:40,160
Speaker 1: close your eyes and think about a time that you

1414
01:20:40,280 --> 01:20:46,200
Speaker 1: remember being happy, or more confident or alive. It could

1415
01:20:46,240 --> 01:20:49,120
Speaker 1: be any word you want, right, and you might have

1416
01:20:49,120 --> 01:20:52,679
Speaker 1: to go back to childhood. Our daughter closed her eyes

1417
01:20:52,680 --> 01:20:54,719
Speaker 1: and she said it was senior year in high school.

1418
01:20:55,600 --> 01:21:00,640
Speaker 1: And I said, okay, so right down, all of the

1419
01:21:00,800 --> 01:21:04,400
Speaker 1: things that you were doing in a week of your

1420
01:21:04,439 --> 01:21:07,559
Speaker 1: life senior year in high school, just describe your life

1421
01:21:07,560 --> 01:21:11,080
Speaker 1: for me. Oh, I got up and do it in detail. Everybody.

1422
01:21:11,160 --> 01:21:13,559
Speaker 1: I got up at seven am or six thirty. I

1423
01:21:13,600 --> 01:21:16,120
Speaker 1: was leaving the house by seven. I was with my

1424
01:21:16,160 --> 01:21:18,759
Speaker 1: friends all day. I was looking forward to go in college.

1425
01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:22,120
Speaker 1: I was playing varsity lacrosse. I was exercising six days

1426
01:21:22,120 --> 01:21:25,400
Speaker 1: a week. I was only parting with friends twice a week. I,

1427
01:21:26,240 --> 01:21:30,519
Speaker 1: you know, was in a healthy dating relationship. I ate

1428
01:21:30,600 --> 01:21:35,120
Speaker 1: four dinners a night at home. Like, just do great,

1429
01:21:36,040 --> 01:21:38,240
Speaker 1: write down what your life looks like now. I sleep

1430
01:21:38,240 --> 01:21:41,000
Speaker 1: till one. I drank every day. I feel like I

1431
01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,479
Speaker 1: don't see my friends because everybody's scattered. Now that we graduate,

1432
01:21:43,479 --> 01:21:45,519
Speaker 1: I don't have anything to look forward to. My trip

1433
01:21:45,560 --> 01:21:51,479
Speaker 1: to Cambodia is canceled. I'm not exercising. Okay, compare the two.

1434
01:21:52,880 --> 01:21:57,400
Speaker 1: Your own life experience offers the map, and we want

1435
01:21:57,400 --> 01:22:00,600
Speaker 1: to over complicate these big words like happiness I know

1436
01:22:00,680 --> 01:22:06,600
Speaker 1: I did for decades, or confidence. It's actually found in

1437
01:22:06,640 --> 01:22:10,280
Speaker 1: the little things. If you do this simple exercise of

1438
01:22:10,400 --> 01:22:13,240
Speaker 1: drawing a line down a piece of paper, and you

1439
01:22:13,320 --> 01:22:16,280
Speaker 1: write down what life looked like in great detail. When

1440
01:22:16,280 --> 01:22:17,599
Speaker 1: did you wake up, when did you go to bed,

1441
01:22:17,680 --> 01:22:19,559
Speaker 1: how are from your friend's family, what were you doing

1442
01:22:19,560 --> 01:22:23,040
Speaker 1: for work? Exercise, what were you eating If you then

1443
01:22:23,439 --> 01:22:26,760
Speaker 1: compare that to what life looks like, now you now

1444
01:22:26,840 --> 01:22:31,360
Speaker 1: know what to do. And the fact is, your whole

1445
01:22:31,640 --> 01:22:36,599
Speaker 1: life is the little things. It's when you wake up,

1446
01:22:36,680 --> 01:22:39,679
Speaker 1: it's the first thing you look at. It's what you

1447
01:22:40,720 --> 01:22:44,240
Speaker 1: do with your body. It's how you greet your spouse.

1448
01:22:44,400 --> 01:22:47,519
Speaker 1: It's how you talk to yourself. It's what you say

1449
01:22:47,680 --> 01:22:50,080
Speaker 1: to yourself when you look in the mirror. It's the

1450
01:22:50,160 --> 01:22:54,120
Speaker 1: mood that you walk into work with intentionally. It's how

1451
01:22:54,160 --> 01:22:57,439
Speaker 1: you greet your animals or your roommate when you end

1452
01:22:57,479 --> 01:22:59,439
Speaker 1: the day. It's the tone of voice that you use.

1453
01:23:01,040 --> 01:23:04,479
Speaker 1: That's your whole life. And if you were to just

1454
01:23:04,600 --> 01:23:09,519
Speaker 1: take the time and intentionally write down a few simple

1455
01:23:09,560 --> 01:23:13,640
Speaker 1: things that you do when you're happy in life, and

1456
01:23:13,680 --> 01:23:16,240
Speaker 1: you were to focus for the next seven days on

1457
01:23:16,439 --> 01:23:19,000
Speaker 1: just adding one of those in a day, you would

1458
01:23:19,000 --> 01:23:21,599
Speaker 1: be very surprised how getting some of the little things

1459
01:23:21,680 --> 01:23:25,120
Speaker 1: right actually starts to turn your life in a completely

1460
01:23:25,160 --> 01:23:29,679
Speaker 1: different direction. So powerful. Now, it's been an absolute pleasure

1461
01:23:29,720 --> 01:23:32,240
Speaker 1: having you back on the show. The Miles of Robbins

1462
01:23:32,360 --> 01:23:36,160
Speaker 1: podcast is out right now. You can go and listen, subscribe, share,

1463
01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:39,479
Speaker 1: please please please go and do that well. I love

1464
01:23:39,560 --> 01:23:43,040
Speaker 1: sitting down with you. I love today was that perfect

1465
01:23:43,040 --> 01:23:46,200
Speaker 1: balance as I was talking about before, of playing tennis,

1466
01:23:46,240 --> 01:23:48,519
Speaker 1: going back and forth, and at the same time just

1467
01:23:48,960 --> 01:23:54,200
Speaker 1: getting some really practical, insightful advice from you on step

1468
01:23:54,200 --> 01:23:57,120
Speaker 1: by step strategic, systematic breakdown of how to do things.

1469
01:23:57,320 --> 01:23:58,640
Speaker 1: I want to thank you from the bottom of my

1470
01:23:58,680 --> 01:24:01,400
Speaker 1: heart for being a dear friend to me and RADI.

1471
01:24:01,840 --> 01:24:04,160
Speaker 1: I hope me, you, Chris, all of us get to

1472
01:24:04,200 --> 01:24:09,120
Speaker 1: spend lots more time together genuinely, or even if it's

1473
01:24:09,200 --> 01:24:12,880
Speaker 1: not lots more time, but it's deep time together that

1474
01:24:12,880 --> 01:24:16,040
Speaker 1: would make me very happy. And I wish you all

1475
01:24:16,080 --> 01:24:21,000
Speaker 1: the best on defeating the campaigns of misery for yourself

1476
01:24:21,040 --> 01:24:23,160
Speaker 1: and everyone else in the world through your show, through

1477
01:24:23,200 --> 01:24:25,680
Speaker 1: your books on Audible, through through your book in the

1478
01:24:25,720 --> 01:24:29,840
Speaker 1: five Second Rule, and also for helping me start working

1479
01:24:29,880 --> 01:24:32,479
Speaker 1: on my campaigns and misery as well. So thank you

1480
01:24:32,520 --> 01:24:35,280
Speaker 1: so much, Malay, deeply appreciate you, very grateful to you.

1481
01:24:35,600 --> 01:24:37,719
Speaker 1: I love you, Jay, and I can't wait to see

1482
01:24:38,479 --> 01:24:42,720
Speaker 1: you acting. Yeah now I have to. Now I have accountability.

1483
01:24:42,880 --> 01:24:45,439
Speaker 1: So I want to offer another mistake I've made, and

1484
01:24:45,479 --> 01:24:48,080
Speaker 1: I've made this with both Chris and with her daughter

1485
01:24:48,160 --> 01:24:53,080
Speaker 1: Kendall so Chris as he is running Sole Degree, which

1486
01:24:53,120 --> 01:24:56,479
Speaker 1: is men's retreat, and her daughter Kendall as she's writing music.

1487
01:24:57,960 --> 01:25:00,360
Speaker 1: One of the best things that you can do to

1488
01:25:00,520 --> 01:25:06,960
Speaker 1: help create momentum is to call out the teeny steps

1489
01:25:07,000 --> 01:25:10,280
Speaker 1: are taking. I made a mistake with our daughter for

1490
01:25:10,320 --> 01:25:13,679
Speaker 1: a long time where I kept talking about the big stuff,

1491
01:25:14,920 --> 01:25:17,280
Speaker 1: or I kept saying, but you're not writing songs, or

1492
01:25:17,360 --> 01:25:20,000
Speaker 1: this would make a great song, or you play me

1493
01:25:20,080 --> 01:25:23,920
Speaker 1: something new, and she would go, stop talking about this,

1494
01:25:24,720 --> 01:25:29,160
Speaker 1: stop telling me what to do. Because when somebody loves you,

1495
01:25:29,479 --> 01:25:32,559
Speaker 1: they respect your opinion and trust me, they know when

1496
01:25:32,560 --> 01:25:34,679
Speaker 1: they're not doing what they need to do every day.

1497
01:25:35,400 --> 01:25:38,439
Speaker 1: So you will support somebody more when you say, you know,

1498
01:25:38,479 --> 01:25:41,960
Speaker 1: I'm really proud of you for the fact that you're

1499
01:25:42,040 --> 01:25:45,400
Speaker 1: very relaxed about this. I'm really proud of you for

1500
01:25:45,439 --> 01:25:49,000
Speaker 1: the fact that you're not beating yourself up that it's

1501
01:25:49,000 --> 01:25:52,000
Speaker 1: not happened sooner. I'm really proud of you from march

1502
01:25:52,040 --> 01:25:53,840
Speaker 1: into your own drums. I'm really proud of you for

1503
01:25:53,960 --> 01:25:57,919
Speaker 1: writing a song today and playing it. That's freaking awesome.

1504
01:25:58,840 --> 01:26:04,920
Speaker 1: Acknowledging the little stuff is incredibly powerful because the person

1505
01:26:05,200 --> 01:26:09,879
Speaker 1: has to push through so much of their own stuff

1506
01:26:10,600 --> 01:26:12,479
Speaker 1: that if you go, oh, and you should do it

1507
01:26:12,520 --> 01:26:14,360
Speaker 1: this way, or oh have you tried that, or oh

1508
01:26:14,720 --> 01:26:17,160
Speaker 1: it'd be great if you do this, you're not actually

1509
01:26:17,200 --> 01:26:21,280
Speaker 1: building momentum. You're pointing out what wasn't done. And that

1510
01:26:21,920 --> 01:26:24,040
Speaker 1: was something I was guilty of for a long time,

1511
01:26:24,560 --> 01:26:28,160
Speaker 1: catching myself and trying to look for, oh, what are

1512
01:26:28,200 --> 01:26:30,880
Speaker 1: they doing and giving them that pad on that back,

1513
01:26:30,960 --> 01:26:34,439
Speaker 1: that hug, that high five, that verbal acknowledgement of the

1514
01:26:34,800 --> 01:26:38,360
Speaker 1: effort done, or even the fact that the fact that

1515
01:26:38,400 --> 01:26:40,880
Speaker 1: they haven't done anything but they're thinking about it that

1516
01:26:41,080 --> 01:26:43,200
Speaker 1: is worth it too. And the reason we do that,

1517
01:26:43,320 --> 01:26:46,640
Speaker 1: you know this is because we don't give ourselves a

1518
01:26:46,680 --> 01:26:49,120
Speaker 1: pout in the back for doing something small, so we

1519
01:26:49,160 --> 01:26:52,280
Speaker 1: don't even acknowledge when we do something small. We are

1520
01:26:52,320 --> 01:26:54,320
Speaker 1: waiting and we are saying to ourselves, oh, well, all

1521
01:26:54,320 --> 01:26:56,280
Speaker 1: you did today was go to the gym. All you

1522
01:26:56,280 --> 01:26:58,280
Speaker 1: did this week was go to the gym twice. That's

1523
01:26:58,280 --> 01:27:00,960
Speaker 1: not enough, yep. And because we talk to ourselves like that,

1524
01:27:01,040 --> 01:27:02,840
Speaker 1: when someone in our life doesn't, it triggers us about

1525
01:27:02,840 --> 01:27:04,280
Speaker 1: going Yeah, they only went to the gym twice a

1526
01:27:04,320 --> 01:27:07,120
Speaker 1: week too, Like that's terrible. Yeah, and so I couldn't

1527
01:27:07,120 --> 01:27:10,599
Speaker 1: agree with you more. And I've Yeah, I think I've

1528
01:27:10,600 --> 01:27:12,960
Speaker 1: had to be my own cheerleader for so much of

1529
01:27:13,000 --> 01:27:15,320
Speaker 1: my life and notice the little things that I've done

1530
01:27:15,320 --> 01:27:18,439
Speaker 1: in the little progress that with rad I've definitely seen

1531
01:27:18,479 --> 01:27:21,240
Speaker 1: that and she appreciates it. Where I'll just notice those

1532
01:27:21,240 --> 01:27:24,559
Speaker 1: smaller things. But I realized that any time I get

1533
01:27:24,600 --> 01:27:28,120
Speaker 1: triggered by someone's lack of growth, it's because I'm triggered

1534
01:27:28,160 --> 01:27:30,880
Speaker 1: by my own lack of growth, and I'm just reflecting

1535
01:27:30,880 --> 01:27:33,840
Speaker 1: that back onto them. I'm upset with myself for not

1536
01:27:33,920 --> 01:27:36,240
Speaker 1: going to the gym more times this week, and because

1537
01:27:36,240 --> 01:27:39,799
Speaker 1: they haven't, I'm now releasing that on them. And that's

1538
01:27:39,840 --> 01:27:41,680
Speaker 1: been such a great way of going, Okay, well, I

1539
01:27:41,720 --> 01:27:44,639
Speaker 1: need to be kinder to myself too for the little wins. Yes,

1540
01:27:44,640 --> 01:27:46,880
Speaker 1: it took you two years to launch this podcast, but

1541
01:27:46,960 --> 01:27:48,840
Speaker 1: there were things in those two years that you learned

1542
01:27:48,840 --> 01:27:51,800
Speaker 1: about getting to where you are now that you made

1543
01:27:51,800 --> 01:27:54,280
Speaker 1: so many steps of progress, and that's why. Yeah. And

1544
01:27:54,400 --> 01:27:57,800
Speaker 1: also there are so many little steps about completing things

1545
01:27:57,800 --> 01:28:00,600
Speaker 1: so that you can create room. Yes. So one of

1546
01:28:00,640 --> 01:28:02,599
Speaker 1: the other things I want to offer too is, yes,

1547
01:28:03,360 --> 01:28:06,400
Speaker 1: that tendency for us to jump in and be like,

1548
01:28:06,439 --> 01:28:09,040
Speaker 1: oh did you try this or do this orda and

1549
01:28:09,080 --> 01:28:12,240
Speaker 1: like kind of create this snowball. It does come from

1550
01:28:12,240 --> 01:28:15,200
Speaker 1: the fact that a lot of us are not encouraging ourselves,

1551
01:28:15,320 --> 01:28:18,400
Speaker 1: but it also comes from a really altruistic loving space,

1552
01:28:18,800 --> 01:28:20,800
Speaker 1: because you love this person so much, you want it

1553
01:28:20,880 --> 01:28:24,200
Speaker 1: so much for them that as soon as you see

1554
01:28:24,240 --> 01:28:27,400
Speaker 1: a tiny stuff for you're like, ah, let's do this,

1555
01:28:27,439 --> 01:28:29,720
Speaker 1: and you want to join in with them. And so

1556
01:28:29,800 --> 01:28:33,480
Speaker 1: it can come from both a place of your own

1557
01:28:33,880 --> 01:28:38,320
Speaker 1: lack of support for yourself as a default unintentionally, but

1558
01:28:38,400 --> 01:28:40,280
Speaker 1: it also comes from a really good place because you're

1559
01:28:40,280 --> 01:28:43,200
Speaker 1: just so excited and you then amplify things and then

1560
01:28:43,240 --> 01:28:47,120
Speaker 1: they feel crushed, Yeah, because what they did do doesn't

1561
01:28:47,200 --> 01:28:50,080
Speaker 1: now feel like enough. Absolutely, I love that clarification. I

1562
01:28:50,120 --> 01:28:53,439
Speaker 1: agree this both. Everyone's been listening and watching today. Make

1563
01:28:53,479 --> 01:28:57,559
Speaker 1: sure you tag melan I on Instagram, on TikTok, on Twitter,

1564
01:28:57,680 --> 01:29:00,519
Speaker 1: whatever social media platform you use with all the greatest

1565
01:29:00,560 --> 01:29:03,320
Speaker 1: insights nuggets of wisdom from this episode. There were so

1566
01:29:03,400 --> 01:29:06,880
Speaker 1: many scattered across the entire time we've been talking. Make

1567
01:29:06,920 --> 01:29:09,880
Speaker 1: sure you grab the screenshot of the episode, share it

1568
01:29:09,920 --> 01:29:12,240
Speaker 1: with a friend. Maybe there's someone in your life that

1569
01:29:12,240 --> 01:29:15,160
Speaker 1: would benefit from listening to this with you and then

1570
01:29:15,240 --> 01:29:17,639
Speaker 1: having a conversation about it afterwards. I think that's something

1571
01:29:17,680 --> 01:29:20,760
Speaker 1: I'm really encouraging. I find that when we're collectively having

1572
01:29:20,800 --> 01:29:23,400
Speaker 1: an experience, it's even better than saying, hey, I just

1573
01:29:23,479 --> 01:29:26,120
Speaker 1: heard this amazing thing. Listen to with friends, listen to

1574
01:29:26,160 --> 01:29:29,160
Speaker 1: with family, and then discuss it amongst yourselves. I hope

1575
01:29:29,200 --> 01:29:32,439
Speaker 1: we've given you enough tools and insight and thoughts to

1576
01:29:32,560 --> 01:29:35,880
Speaker 1: start a conversation to ask a powerful question. And I

1577
01:29:35,920 --> 01:29:39,479
Speaker 1: hope that you're leaving here today feeling happier, healthier, and

1578
01:29:39,640 --> 01:29:42,600
Speaker 1: more healed. Thank you so much on Purpose community. I

1579
01:29:42,680 --> 01:29:45,040
Speaker 1: love you deeply, and thank you to Mel for joining

1580
01:29:45,120 --> 01:29:47,200
Speaker 1: us again today. I'll see you on the next time.