1 00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,800 Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. Welcome stuff. I've never 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,320 Speaker 1: told your protection by her idio. 3 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:23,119 Speaker 2: And we have this episode due to my constant watching 4 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,919 Speaker 2: of social media. And you know what, it's something we 5 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,560 Speaker 2: need to talk about because it definitely as a concern 6 00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:32,240 Speaker 2: for women's health and what we're speaking about on this Monday, 7 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 2: MANI is self silencing, which I've never heard of as 8 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,599 Speaker 2: a term. I feel like I hear new things that 9 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:40,360 Speaker 2: have been around for a very long time and we 10 00:00:40,520 --> 00:00:44,960 Speaker 2: just know of it without the term. But yeah, self silencing. 11 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,400 Speaker 2: So according to Newport Institute dot com, it is the 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:52,720 Speaker 2: tendency to engage in compulsive caretaking, people pleasing, and not 13 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,960 Speaker 2: expressing one's self. Most often, people self silence in order 14 00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:02,360 Speaker 2: to preserve a significant relationship. Oh boy, and this may 15 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,319 Speaker 2: be another one of those for many of y'all, including 16 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,280 Speaker 2: you any and myself, where we were like, are you 17 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:13,240 Speaker 2: talking to me? Stop that type of conversation, and yeah 18 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:17,000 Speaker 2: we are. Again if you're wondering why we're talking about this, well, 19 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 2: it's because women have been more socialized in practicing this 20 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 2: specific style and by the way, it's killing them essentially. 21 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,360 Speaker 2: I'm not being dramatic. I am a little dramatic sometimes 22 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,320 Speaker 2: for sure, for sure, but this is for real, for real. 23 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 2: This has been a thing for a while now, and 24 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 2: the specific conversation is several years old as in fact, 25 00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 2: I think this originated in the eighties and then was 26 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,000 Speaker 2: written out again in nineteen ninety one, and then researched 27 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,360 Speaker 2: again in the last four years, because at first it 28 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,760 Speaker 2: was noted as it affected one thing, and they're like, wait, oh, 29 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:54,640 Speaker 2: affects this whole thing. So anyway, all of that, let's 30 00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,520 Speaker 2: get into it, all right, So this theory of self 31 00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:00,760 Speaker 2: silencing has been studied for a while. In fact, one researcher, 32 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 2: Dana Jack, started this in the eighties. I said nineteen 33 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,200 Speaker 2: ninety one because I believe that's when her book was published, 34 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,359 Speaker 2: But it started in the eighties. Here's a bit from 35 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:13,160 Speaker 2: a paper published in ScienceDirect dot com and reflecting about 36 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,600 Speaker 2: this study. It says self silencing is a rational strategy 37 00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:19,920 Speaker 2: employed to ward off any confrontation in the relationship and 38 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:24,040 Speaker 2: to maintain intimacy and safety. Safety is being a key word. 39 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,600 Speaker 2: Women tend to silence their thoughts, feelings, and defer their 40 00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:32,400 Speaker 2: own needs to uphold a significant other's need. As a result, 41 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,839 Speaker 2: there are feelings of suppressed anger, which can gradually lead 42 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:39,480 Speaker 2: to expressing loss of self. And they do specifically talk 43 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,639 Speaker 2: about anger, I think because women oftentimes repress that suppress 44 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:47,080 Speaker 2: that I guess more than any other feelings, because you know, 45 00:02:47,080 --> 00:02:50,200 Speaker 2: we can be a little bit crying all these things. 46 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,799 Speaker 2: But anger is not typically known for women unless you're 47 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,919 Speaker 2: a black woman. And that's a connotation which is supposed 48 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:59,320 Speaker 2: to be a negative because you know, racism. Anyway, back 49 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,959 Speaker 2: to Dana Jack, the one who has been researching this 50 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 2: phenomenon since the eighties, is credited with identifying this specific 51 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,880 Speaker 2: pattern in women. And though it was originally in the 52 00:03:09,919 --> 00:03:14,240 Speaker 2: context of declining mental health and eating disorders, the last 53 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,639 Speaker 2: few years they have switched that up and showing that, oh, 54 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:19,680 Speaker 2: this actually affects physical health in women as well, and 55 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 2: it does very deeply. From a Time dot com article 56 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 2: written by Mattel Eyall, and I believe she is also 57 00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,960 Speaker 2: a psychologist, she writes, women's self silencing has also been 58 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,280 Speaker 2: linked to higher risk of premature death. In one study, 59 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:36,480 Speaker 2: researchers followed nearly four thousand people in Framingham, Massachusetts over 60 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,680 Speaker 2: ten years. They found that women who didn't express themselves 61 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,480 Speaker 2: when they had fights with their spouses were four times 62 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 2: more likely to die than those who did. This was 63 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,520 Speaker 2: true even when factors such as age, blood pressure, smoking, 64 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,040 Speaker 2: and levels of cholesterol were taken into account. So even 65 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 2: with all of those things, if you are trying to 66 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:58,240 Speaker 2: hold back your anger because it wasn't ladylike of you 67 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:07,680 Speaker 2: could kill you in death. This causes death. That out 68 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,040 Speaker 2: the one more time. Okay, I feel like here we 69 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:15,800 Speaker 2: could insert again the whole chill, cool partner, vibe girlfriend 70 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,800 Speaker 2: wife narrative. You know, she doesn't have any emotions. He's 71 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:22,760 Speaker 2: just so cool and an easygoing type of person. And 72 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:27,360 Speaker 2: we know that is something that is elevated especially in 73 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,200 Speaker 2: I don't know, tradwife culture. Yeah, with that out there, 74 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,440 Speaker 2: the one where we expect women to be non reactive, 75 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:40,080 Speaker 2: have no problems, not to be too emotional. Yeah. So 76 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:42,520 Speaker 2: again from that time article, they write, when women push 77 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 2: their feelings down and cast their needs aside, their health suffers. 78 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,080 Speaker 2: But it can be difficult for women to do otherwise 79 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:54,400 Speaker 2: in a culture that celebrates these self silencing practices. While 80 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 2: young women are praised for being chill, moms are revered 81 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:02,560 Speaker 2: for being painstakingly all struistic to the point of self obligation. 82 00:05:03,839 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 2: These unspoken standards establish a vicious cycle. For many women, 83 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 2: it feels easier beneficial even to silence their knees at 84 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,719 Speaker 2: the expense of their own health, rather than swim against 85 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,559 Speaker 2: the prevailing cultural current. This was written in twenty twenty 86 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,440 Speaker 2: three when we were like, oh, things are going bad, 87 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:25,080 Speaker 2: and now at twenty twenty five, Yeah, I think I'm 88 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,640 Speaker 2: hoping that at this point more of us are coming 89 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,840 Speaker 2: out into like, no, I'm angry and I'm gonna yell 90 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,080 Speaker 2: at you. That's where we need to be. I love 91 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:37,760 Speaker 2: the season of the clapback. Let's go so From the 92 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 2: Newport Institute dot com article, they write, as much as 93 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 2: parents try to raise children without gender bias, girls are 94 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 2: still brought up to be more sensitive to the knees, desire, 95 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 2: and expectation of others. As they grow, their kindness can 96 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:56,200 Speaker 2: involve into avoidance of conflict. To maintain relationships, young women 97 00:05:56,279 --> 00:05:59,400 Speaker 2: may adopt a cool girl facade, trying to be someone 98 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,240 Speaker 2: who rolls with the punches and is reliably chill. Mothers 99 00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,800 Speaker 2: may put their knees on the back burner to the 100 00:06:04,839 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 2: point of exhaustion. Self silencing can be common among women 101 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:14,920 Speaker 2: who suffer from perfectionism or echoismo. Long enough silence for 102 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 2: everybody to hear that last part. Yeah, okay, so again perfectionism, 103 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,960 Speaker 2: the perfect mom, the perfect wife that could be, all 104 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:24,800 Speaker 2: the things to have it all, a type of person 105 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,839 Speaker 2: being the perfect daughter, being the perfect employee. So many 106 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,120 Speaker 2: things to add to this, And which is like if 107 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,919 Speaker 2: you are quiet, the one who doesn't cause a stir, 108 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,400 Speaker 2: that's in the corner, that just gets their work done. 109 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:42,760 Speaker 2: Not so healthy, y'all. Not so healthy. Maybe this is 110 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:47,359 Speaker 2: why the loud, obnoxious people are living longer, Maybe because 111 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:52,679 Speaker 2: they're not being stifled and everybody just excuses them. And again, 112 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:56,760 Speaker 2: as a reminder to add to that, self silencing is 113 00:06:56,839 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 2: killing you. So from ortho Atlanta dot com, which by 114 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,240 Speaker 2: the way, is a part of the Piedmont Healthcare is Atlanta. 115 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:15,120 Speaker 2: So this came from one of our hospitals here, they say, 116 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:17,480 Speaker 2: in a study of women aged forty to sixty, those 117 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,800 Speaker 2: who suffered from self silencing had an increased risk of 118 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:24,520 Speaker 2: having plaque in their carotid arteries. That additional plaque could 119 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:28,120 Speaker 2: potentially lead to heart attack, stroke, and other cardiovascular trouble. 120 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 2: The researchers note, we're gonna die of heart attacks, which 121 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 2: by the way, is not really easily detected in women 122 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 2: and hadn't been actually looked at because the symptoms are 123 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:42,320 Speaker 2: different for women than men until recently. So many factors 124 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:44,840 Speaker 2: feel as they are doing this on purpose, trying to 125 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:48,320 Speaker 2: kill this. Yes, moving on back to that Newport article, 126 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,840 Speaker 2: they write, self silencing has even been linked to the 127 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,600 Speaker 2: higher risk of premature death among women, and one study 128 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,920 Speaker 2: researchers followed four hundred and ninety three men and fifteen 129 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,880 Speaker 2: hundred and one women married or in a domestic party 130 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 2: over ten years. Women who reported that they always or 131 00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:07,480 Speaker 2: usually stayed quiet in the face of conflict had the 132 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:11,080 Speaker 2: highest risk of premature death compared to women who didn't 133 00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 2: report self silencing. This was true even when age, blood pressure, smoking, 134 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:19,240 Speaker 2: and cholesterol levels were taken into account. Once again, and 135 00:08:19,520 --> 00:08:22,040 Speaker 2: if you needed a little check off list, here you go. 136 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 2: Newport gave us ten signs you may be self silencing. 137 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 2: You ready, This is from their site directly being influenced 138 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:33,000 Speaker 2: by others opinions more than your own, feeling responsible for 139 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 2: other people's feelings, not knowing how you feel because you're 140 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:39,680 Speaker 2: so focused on how others feel, not speaking up in 141 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,920 Speaker 2: intimate relationships, for fear of inciting conflict, finding it hard 142 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:47,320 Speaker 2: to be yourself in a close relationship, looking happy on 143 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:52,080 Speaker 2: the surface but feeling angry and agitated inside, consistently putting 144 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:56,800 Speaker 2: others needs before your own, fear of ever appearing selfish, 145 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,319 Speaker 2: feeling that your partner doesn't know your true self, and 146 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 2: never measuring up to the standards you set up for yourself. 147 00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 2: Did you check that at any of those boxes? 148 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:10,760 Speaker 1: Question? 149 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:16,200 Speaker 2: Moving on, so what do we do about the situation? 150 00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:19,320 Speaker 2: What can we do? So? From that Times dot Com article, 151 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:24,800 Speaker 2: they say, rather than women treating our emotions as inconvenient 152 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 2: bodily malfunctions are best to be muted and ignored, we 153 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,959 Speaker 2: can teach ourselves to view them as windows of insight 154 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:35,719 Speaker 2: instead of casting away our anger a valuable question, Or 155 00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 2: we can ask ourselves in moments of frustration, is what 156 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:43,560 Speaker 2: am I needing right now? We love a good reflection 157 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:48,360 Speaker 2: and The Newport Institute also talks about the following things 158 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,880 Speaker 2: increase your self awareness. They say, you can't begin to 159 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 2: change your behavior unless you're aware of it in a 160 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 2: journal or with a counselor friends. Ask yourself some basic questions. 161 00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:02,560 Speaker 2: When did I again self silencing and why? Or any 162 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:04,080 Speaker 2: of those things that you checked off. When did I 163 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:07,480 Speaker 2: start doing these things? Why do I continue to self silence? 164 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,440 Speaker 2: What's my greatest fear if I express myself? And what 165 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:16,880 Speaker 2: do I get out of self silencing? Death? Death? Was death? Anyway, 166 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,839 Speaker 2: So the next time you feel like you can't talk 167 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:24,600 Speaker 2: about these things, maybe you step back and see why 168 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,360 Speaker 2: put down the nose of what you're doing at this 169 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,679 Speaker 2: point and why you're having to hold back. They also 170 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 2: say a few of these other things that you can 171 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:37,800 Speaker 2: do and you should do. Prioritize your needs, set boundaries, 172 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,439 Speaker 2: don't be afraid to disappoint people. And that's the one 173 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 2: I have struggles with. Know your worth, get help you know, 174 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 2: that's that part of like, you know, if we can 175 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,280 Speaker 2: do it, if you can't, re understand. So I tried 176 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 2: these other things that we have mentioned. There's a lot 177 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 2: to remember, especially in this time where everything makes me angry, 178 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:07,600 Speaker 2: especially if you're a marginalized person. Everything makes me angry. 179 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:10,959 Speaker 2: So we have to come together and realize self silencing 180 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,240 Speaker 2: trying to navigate into just quiet, which, by the way, 181 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,600 Speaker 2: I think that could be also gray rocking, which I'm 182 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:22,040 Speaker 2: interested in having a conversation about. In the relationship. I 183 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,720 Speaker 2: feel like these battles are so hard and these way 184 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 2: of us trying to survive is not helping us to survive. 185 00:11:28,760 --> 00:11:36,640 Speaker 1: M Well, I know a lot of listeners. I'm sure 186 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 1: that you can relate. It is something I do think 187 00:11:42,559 --> 00:11:46,120 Speaker 1: a lot of us have come through and experienced. So 188 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: if you would like to contact us about it, or 189 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:56,199 Speaker 1: if you have any tips or resources about it, please 190 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,280 Speaker 1: let us know. You can email us at Hello at 191 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,160 Speaker 1: step on every tour com You can find us on 192 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:04,640 Speaker 1: Blue Sky at moms Up podcast, or on Instagram and 193 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:07,640 Speaker 1: TikTok at stuff I Never Told You. We're also on YouTube. 194 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,240 Speaker 1: We have some merch at Cotton Bureau you can check 195 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: that out. And we have a book you can get 196 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,280 Speaker 1: wherever you get your books. Thanks as always to our 197 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:18,440 Speaker 1: super producer Christina or executive producer and your contributor Joey. 198 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:21,319 Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening Stuff Never 199 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,160 Speaker 1: Told You instruction of my Heart Radio. For more podcasts 200 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,719 Speaker 1: from my Heart Radio, you can check out the heart 201 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,880 Speaker 1: Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your 202 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:27,840 Speaker 1: favorite shows.