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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Sam. This is a John your og

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Speaker 1: Okay Storytime podcast host and we got some great stories

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Speaker 1: coming up. Before that, we have a quick two minute

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Speaker 1: break from the sponsors that keep the show a lot.

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Speaker 2: I still resent my husband for my labor experience.

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Speaker 3: Sounds like he should give birth next time.

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Speaker 4: Nice.

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Speaker 2: I twenty four female, have two children, two female and

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Speaker 2: nine months male with my husband twenty nine male. Labor

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Speaker 2: was a nightmare with our oldest. She was an emergency

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Speaker 2: c section due to being breach and she was born

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Speaker 2: at thirty six weeks because they couldn't stop my labor

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Speaker 2: from progressing to make it worse. I did it all alone.

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Speaker 2: By the way, this comes from Red Birdie twenty twenty one,

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Speaker 2: and if you want to spit your own stories, go

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Speaker 2: to the r slash Okay Storytime suppared it.

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Speaker 5: I'm Sophia, I'm Myra, and I'm Keon and we have

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Speaker 5: a special guest today. Yes, yes, it's miss Myra Rodriguez,

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Speaker 5: who is a licensed marriage and family therapist in California

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Speaker 5: and Colorado who's dedicated to making mental health education accessible

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Speaker 5: to everyone, whether you're navigating complicated family dynamics, processing grief,

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Speaker 5: or working through depression. Mayra brings both professional expertise and

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Speaker 5: compassion to help you through life's toughest moments. Thank you

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Speaker 5: for coming in today.

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Speaker 2: Mayah, Thank you for joining us.

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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 2: Usually we don't give expert advice, Tonaw, we have been

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Speaker 2: expert with us.

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Speaker 4: We actually have an expert heated guys, and so.

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Speaker 2: We're gonna get into this story and see what advice

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Speaker 2: you can give. Ope. My husband and I were both

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Speaker 2: in the military at the time, and we're stationed seven

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Speaker 2: hours away from one another. I don't hold this against

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Speaker 2: my husband because I know there was nothing he could

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Speaker 2: have done to be there on time. He arrived about

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Speaker 2: five hours after our daughter was born, and I finally

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Speaker 2: wasn't alone anymore. That's surprising that you can be stationed

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Speaker 2: and also that pregnant is wow, like thirty six months

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Speaker 2: or thirty six weeks?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, months, it's crazy.

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Speaker 2: Thirty six months would be really off a miracle. I

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Speaker 2: don't know if that's a miracle. Fast forward two years.

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Speaker 2: I was due to have my son and at thirty

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Speaker 2: six weeks on the dot, my water broke while I

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Speaker 2: was at work. My husband complained about having to leave

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Speaker 2: work to take me to the hospital because are you

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Speaker 2: sure it's really labor? It's probably just braxton hicks. Relax.

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Speaker 2: I told them, if you don't want to leave work,

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Speaker 2: that's fine. I'll drive myself to the hospital, but I'll

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Speaker 2: make sure to let them know you aren't welcome in

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Speaker 2: the room until after the baby is here. Wo. He

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Speaker 2: ended up leaving work and driving me to the hospital.

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Speaker 2: But once we got there, labor wasn't progressing. I was

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Speaker 2: stuck at three centimeters and my contractions were steadily ten

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Speaker 2: minutes apart. They sent me home and told me to

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Speaker 2: return once they were five minutes or less apart. On

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Speaker 2: the way home, my husband again said, are you sure

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Speaker 2: they aren't just braxton hicks. Mind you, This was after

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Speaker 2: the nurses confirmed I was in labor. This man has

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Speaker 2: a lot of audacity. When we got home, my husband

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Speaker 2: decided he was going to go hunting and to let

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Speaker 2: him know if labor gets worse. Wow, seems like the

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Speaker 2: worst time to go hunting. What is he doing? Not

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Speaker 2: the best time eating? He's like, I'm going to bring

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Speaker 2: our child home to meat. He left me alone willingly

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Speaker 2: to care for our two year old. Wow. I was laboring.

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Speaker 2: My contractions got down to five minutes apart. I texted

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Speaker 2: to let him know, and all he said was, what

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Speaker 2: do you want me to do about it? He ended

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Speaker 2: up shooting a deer and had me outside in the

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Speaker 2: coal taking pictures of him with the deer while contracting

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Speaker 2: every five minutes. What this feels like a fever dream.

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Speaker 4: This doesn't seem real.

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Speaker 2: I didn't feel ready to go back to the hospital yet,

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Speaker 2: so I put the two year old to bed and

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Speaker 2: we went to sleep. In the morning, my contractions were

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Speaker 2: still at five minutes. I took a bath, took a walk,

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Speaker 2: tried eating, and nothing was happening. So I told him

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Speaker 2: we needed to go back to the hospital. By the

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Speaker 2: time we got there, they were between three and four

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Speaker 2: minutes apart. But all my husband could talk about was

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Speaker 2: the stupid deer and how he was going to get

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Speaker 2: it to the butcher and taxidermist. Once they took me

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Speaker 2: back to the oar repeats he section. My husband was

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Speaker 2: really supportive I have underlying health conditions, and he was

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Speaker 2: very attentive making sure the anesthesiologist knew about everything going on. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 2: my son came out not breathing. He had to immediately

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Speaker 2: get transferred to a Nikyu at a different hospital. It

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Speaker 2: was one of the most painful experiences I've had to

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Speaker 2: go through all together, and the next day all I

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Speaker 2: wanted was milkshake. Sounds silly, I know, but after asking

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Speaker 2: him multiple times, my husband never would drive up the

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Speaker 2: road to get me one. Our entire family laughs at

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Speaker 2: the situation and thinks it's such a funny story and

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Speaker 2: that I'll laugh about it someday. But after nine months,

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Speaker 2: I still feel so dismissed, like he doesn't care about me.

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Speaker 2: It feels like he put his hobby over his laboring life,

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Speaker 2: and it honestly makes me grateful he wasn't there for

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Speaker 2: the birth of our daughter. I feel such resentment over

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Speaker 2: the whole situation, and I don't know how to move

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Speaker 2: past it. My husband tells me it isn't a big deal,

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Speaker 2: and I'm overly sensitive every time I bring it up,

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Speaker 2: and our therapist doesn't think it's broken beyond repair. But

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Speaker 2: I honestly just need some outside perspective. Am I the

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Speaker 2: a hole for not just getting over it and for

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Speaker 2: not forgiving him? How do I move forward from here

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Speaker 2: and begin to forgive the past? And there is an edit?

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Speaker 4: Why even put out the forgiveness to him.

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Speaker 2: That was all. Yeah, that was a lot of information

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Speaker 2: about this husband. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions

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Speaker 2: for OP about the situation?

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Speaker 3: Well, first of all, to our OP, I want to

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Speaker 3: let you know that your feelings are valid. You are

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Speaker 3: not over exaggerating. You know, giving labor is already such

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Speaker 3: a difficult thing to go through, and having to go

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Speaker 3: through it alone without your.

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Speaker 2: Partners I'm supposed to walk.

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Speaker 3: You know that journey with you is very isolating, and

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Speaker 3: so your feelings to that situation are extremely valid. I

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Speaker 3: know sometimes when there's friends, family involved, they can try

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Speaker 3: and to influence how we feel. But no, like you're

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Speaker 3: allowed to feel frustrated, You're allowed to be angry, you're

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Speaker 3: allowed to not be over it because it was a

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Speaker 3: very big deal and it was something that was important

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Speaker 3: to you. So I want to start off with that.

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Speaker 3: Please know that there's nothing wrong with how you feel. Again,

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Speaker 3: your feelings are completely valid and they're allowed to be here.

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Speaker 3: Second of all, it really is a matter of what

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Speaker 3: do you want to do from here? Is this something

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Speaker 3: that you want to move past from? Is this something

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Speaker 3: that you're willing to forgive? Does he show up in

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Speaker 3: the same way in different areas of your life.

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Speaker 2: Birth, like I've.

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Speaker 3: Already mentioned, is such an important aspect of our life.

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Speaker 3: If he left you alone in that, does he also

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Speaker 3: leave you alone and other things that are important, And

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Speaker 3: that's also where you kind of have to also ask

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Speaker 3: yourself those questions and balance it out and know if

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Speaker 3: you want to forgive, brush past this and move forward

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Speaker 3: or where you're at with the relationship now. Obviously, in

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Speaker 3: any relationship, communication is key, and when we don't process

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Speaker 3: the feelings that we have, then they do turn into

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Speaker 3: resentment and they turn into bitterness, yeah, which and.

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Speaker 2: Seems like she's already experiencing exactly later.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, So that definitely shows us that there's unresolved feelings.

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Speaker 3: They haven't been processed. And that's the thing about our feelings,

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Speaker 3: they don't go anywhere. Yeah, So we can numb them,

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Speaker 3: we can avoid them, we can try to ignore them,

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Speaker 3: but at the end of the day, sooner or later,

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Speaker 3: they're going to resurface. And in this case, it sounds

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Speaker 3: like she's aware of this, So processing that would be

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Speaker 3: really important, having that communication with him and letting him

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Speaker 3: know how you feel. But part of communication is also

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Speaker 3: being heard, so he would also have to meet you

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Speaker 3: halfway and you're out your perspective and give validity to

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Speaker 3: what you're feeling.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, which is tough because it seems like it's so far.

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Speaker 2: When she's brought it up, he's said it's not.

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Speaker 3: A big exactly, and that's invalidating as well. But yeah,

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Speaker 3: if you want to make this work, if you want

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Speaker 3: to give this another try, then the key would be communicating. Yeah,

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Speaker 3: don't avoid those feelings, don't brush them away, but you know,

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Speaker 3: confront them, talk about them, because again, your feelings are

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Speaker 3: allowed to be here, and it's okay to let him

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Speaker 3: know that what he did was not okay, that what

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Speaker 3: he did made you feel alone, made you feel frustrated,

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Speaker 3: because again, right, if we don't let that out, then

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Speaker 3: it does turn into resentment, and then it also leads

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Speaker 3: to us feeling unhappy and unfulfilled in our relationship.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, it's great.

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Speaker 4: Maybe you guys, Yeah.

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Speaker 2: There isn't edit. I wanted to add for clarification. I

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Speaker 2: shouldn't say my water broke, I should say it was leak.

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Speaker 2: Also a bunch if you called me out for defending

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Speaker 2: my husband's character, and you're right, I've always tried to

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Speaker 2: see the best in people, and that is what I

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Speaker 2: based my opinion off of. What y'all helped me realize

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Speaker 2: is a man with good character would have already been forgiven.

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Speaker 2: The fact I'm still hung up on this and he

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Speaker 2: hasn't done enough to make up for it makes me

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Speaker 2: realize he might not be as good of a man

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Speaker 2: as I thought. I'm still trying to reply to all

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Speaker 2: of you, but it's a lot. I never expected this

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Speaker 2: to blow up the way it has so quickly, and

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Speaker 2: I definitely didn't expect to learn I was underreacting. I

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Speaker 2: genuinely thought y'all would tell me I was being dramatic.

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Speaker 2: I planned to bring this up in our couple's therapy

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Speaker 2: appointment tomorrow, so I'll try to come back and update

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Speaker 2: with his and the therapist reaction. Thank you for all

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Speaker 2: the support. It warms my heart hearing from so many

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Speaker 2: caring people, and also stings knowing people went through similar

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Speaker 2: and worse during labor. And there is an update and

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Speaker 2: we're gonna get into that right now. So, we had

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Speaker 2: our couple's counseling appointment today and I did bring this up.

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Speaker 2: For the sake of simplicity, I'll be referring to the

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Speaker 2: husband as Marcelo and the therapist as THEA. I reiterated

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Speaker 2: the story above and was pretty emotional while doing so.

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Speaker 2: I described just how abandoned and scared and alone he

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Speaker 2: made me feel in the moment, and said that I

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Speaker 2: want to forgive him and move forward, but it's hard

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Speaker 2: to do when he's dismissive of my feelings and doesn't

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Speaker 2: seem to think he has anything to be forgiven for.

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Speaker 2: THEA told Marcello that it sounded like a super traumatic

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Speaker 2: experience for me, and she understands why I'd still be

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Speaker 2: hearting from this. She also asked him how he would

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Speaker 2: have felt had something happen to me and he didn't

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Speaker 2: get to me on time. Marcello was like, well, I

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Speaker 2: was stressed and that was the only thing I could

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Speaker 2: think of to relieve my stress. Isn't it better for

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Speaker 2: only one of us to be stressed instead of both?

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Speaker 2: I said, so, you being stressed was more important than

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Speaker 2: your wife, who was stressed mentally and physically from being

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Speaker 2: an act of labor. You thought leaving your laboring wife

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Speaker 2: alone to care for your toddler was justified in order

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Speaker 2: to relieve some of your own stress. That's a good point.

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Speaker 2: At this point, THEA told Marcelo that he acted immaturely

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Speaker 2: and selfishly. How bad does it have to be for

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Speaker 2: the therapist to like outright tell you know what, have

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Speaker 2: you ever had to get to a level where you're like,

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Speaker 2: you're acting pretty selfishly or do you always kind of

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Speaker 2: try to, you know, give it gently.

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Speaker 3: My approach is usually pretty gentle. Yeah, But I mean

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Speaker 3: in this case, I completely understand where the therapist is

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Speaker 3: coming from, because I mean, like kind of what we've

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Speaker 3: already mentioned here that it was a really traumatic experience

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Speaker 3: and to go through it alone just adds a whole

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Speaker 3: different layer.

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Speaker 2: Oh of difficulty. And I mean not even to like,

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Speaker 2: because she went through the first berth alone, but then

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Speaker 2: this time he was there in parts, but it felt

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Speaker 2: like even worse, Yeah, like the parts of where he

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Speaker 2: was because he was so unwilling to be there in

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Speaker 2: the first.

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Speaker 3: Place, unwilling and he didn't show up in the way

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Speaker 3: that she needed him to show up.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Marcelo told me that he remembers asking me if

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Speaker 2: it was okay for him to go hunting. I told

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Speaker 2: him I don't remember having that conversation, but if I

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Speaker 2: did tell him to just go it wasn't because I

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Speaker 2: wanted you to leave me. It was because if I

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Speaker 2: didn't let you. Oh, that's all I'd be hearing about

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Speaker 2: the rest of the night, and I probably didn't want

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Speaker 2: to deal with that while trying to bring your child

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Speaker 2: into the world. I asked Marcelo if he wanted to

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Speaker 2: be married to me because of who I am or

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Speaker 2: only for the sake of being married. Bia said we

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Speaker 2: were out of time and asked Marcelo not to answer.

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Speaker 2: She said, actually, that's it, and just sit with that.

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Speaker 2: Let's wrap it up. Yeah, I actually like where that ended.

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Speaker 2: Don't answer. That's crazy, she said. She wanted him to

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Speaker 2: sit with that and really think about it before giving

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Speaker 2: an answer. That's funny. I like this therapist. After therapy,

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Speaker 2: I called Marcello and asked if there was anything he

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Speaker 2: wanted to discuss from the appointment, and he told me

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Speaker 2: he didn't understand why I'm still hung up on the situation,

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Speaker 2: and he thought we were past it. I explained to

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Speaker 2: him why we're not and let him know that he

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Speaker 2: hasn't done anything to make up for it or even

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Speaker 2: show remorse. He tried to telling me that I was

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Speaker 2: the only person who saw a problem with what happened,

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Speaker 2: and I pointed out that's not true. I gave him

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Speaker 2: specific examples, but could tell those wouldn't be good enough

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Speaker 2: since they're my friends and siblings. So I told him

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Speaker 2: about this post. I let him know i'd posted it

265
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Speaker 2: to get unbiased opinions on if I really was overreacting,

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Speaker 2: and told him what the majority of you had to say.

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Speaker 2: He then apologized by saying, I'm sorry that I asked

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Speaker 2: you to go hunting and you said yes. Woof. I

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Speaker 2: told him that's not a valid apology, and if that's

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Speaker 2: how he was going to act the conversation was over.

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Speaker 2: He said that he shouldn't have gone, but really just

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Speaker 2: didn't think about it in the moment, and I should

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Speaker 2: have told him that I wanted him to stay home.

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Speaker 2: I told him that if he truly cared about me

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Speaker 2: and valued me, I wouldn't have to beg him to

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Speaker 2: care about me. I also shouldn't have to tell him

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Speaker 2: how to care about me. He then went on to

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Speaker 2: say he felt he'd been doing a lot to try

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Speaker 2: and make up for the disconnect, spending more time with

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Speaker 2: the kids, putting dinner leftover his in the fridge while

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Speaker 2: I put the kids to bed, helping me wash baby bottles.

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Speaker 2: That was like pretty minimal things.

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Speaker 3: Things he should be doing.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, as a parent exactly. I told him he was

285
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Speaker 2: barely doing the bare minimum and just because he was

286
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Speaker 2: doing absolutely nothing before that doesn't make him superman for

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Speaker 2: doing the bare minium now. I told him he wasn't

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Speaker 2: doing anything to go above and beyond to show me

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Speaker 2: he loves, supports, or respects me, and if he wants

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Speaker 2: the marriage to work, that needs to change. Marcello wanted

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Speaker 2: me to tell him exactly what he could do to

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Speaker 2: make up for the past, and I told him, I

293
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Speaker 2: don't know. If after five years, you still don't know

294
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Speaker 2: how to show me you love me or care about me,

295
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Speaker 2: then that's more of a reflection on you than me.

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Speaker 2: We ended the conversation there because I needed to get

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Speaker 2: off the phone.

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Speaker 4: Would we call this weaponize incompetence or something else? Because

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Speaker 4: the fact that he's like, you didn't tell me this,

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Speaker 4: or you need to ask me to do this.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I still got a lot of handholding.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, what would you call that? Is there a specific term?

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Speaker 4: Or is that just again weaponized and confidence mixed into

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Speaker 4: something else.

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Speaker 3: Or it's simply him not taking responsibility for his actions

306
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Speaker 3: and not seeing his part in the issue and projecting

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Speaker 3: that onto her. And he's honesty sounds committed to just

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Speaker 3: not understanding where she's coming from.

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Speaker 2: I mean she could and saying something exactly.

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Speaker 3: She could literally go back and forth and try to

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Speaker 3: make it as simple as possible for him to understand.

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Speaker 3: But if he's already decided that he doesn't want to

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Speaker 3: acknowledge responsibility, he doesn't care for her feelings, and that

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Speaker 3: you know, he just doesn't understand where she's coming from.

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Speaker 3: No matter what she says or does, that's not going

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Speaker 3: to change. And I think that's the difficult part to

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Speaker 3: be in. We cannot control other people their behaviors, their thoughts,

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Speaker 3: their emotions. But when you're in a relationship, right, you

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Speaker 3: want that mutual understanding, you want that support, And in

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Speaker 3: this case, he's un fortunately decided that he's not going

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Speaker 3: to do that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 3: Absolutely, And that's a hard place to be in.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. I think also I will read stories where someone

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Speaker 2: says I just want, like, I want him to know

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Speaker 2: how to care for me. I don't want to have

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Speaker 2: to tell him everything, And I think often those partners

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Speaker 2: respond with I'm not a mind reader. How would I,

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Speaker 2: you know, know that? But I do think there is

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Speaker 2: like a line between stuff that you need to communicate

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Speaker 2: and also that stuff that just you know, you can't

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Speaker 2: expect your partner to hold your hand through. And maybe

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Speaker 2: you're just not ready for a relationship if you don't

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Speaker 2: know that you need to like help take care of

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Speaker 2: the kids and exactly be there when your wife says, hey,

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Speaker 2: I need someone to hold my hand and give me

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Speaker 2: a milkshake during pregnancies. Yeah, which it seems like that's

338
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,400
Speaker 2: the issue here. Yeah, but there is more. Later when

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Speaker 2: I got home, I didn't speak to him, nor did

340
00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:53,720
Speaker 2: he start conversation with me. We've barely spoken, and I'm

341
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,480
Speaker 2: sure his ego is hurt, but I quite frankly don't

342
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Speaker 2: care anymore. I've decided to give it to our next

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Speaker 2: therapy session in two weeks and see what happens between

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Speaker 2: now and then. I don't plan to be the initiator

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Speaker 2: on any conversations. I'm going to take the back seat

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Speaker 2: and observe what he does with the space. If I

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00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,200
Speaker 2: see a positive change and can feel him really wanting

348
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Speaker 2: to make things better, I will try to work it out.

349
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Speaker 2: But if things don't progress and he falls back to

350
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Speaker 2: his habits, I'll be asking him for a divorce after

351
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Speaker 2: the next session. I genuinely don't want it to come

352
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Speaker 2: to this, but I want my kids to know they

353
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:32,040
Speaker 2: never have to stick in bad situations just because a

354
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:35,040
Speaker 2: piece of paper declayers you married. I don't want either

355
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Speaker 2: of my kids to think it's okay to be treated

356
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Speaker 2: this way or to treat their partner this way. And

357
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Speaker 2: I told him as much. I think he's finally taking

358
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Speaker 2: me seriously, so I guess I'll update again in two

359
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,919
Speaker 2: weeks after the next therapy session, and there is a

360
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,399
Speaker 2: second update. Any other thoughts before we jump in.

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Speaker 3: Honestly, good for her that you know she's willing to

362
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,640
Speaker 3: not only step up for herself but also for her children,

363
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Speaker 3: because the decisions we make as parents are huge. You know,

364
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:05,080
Speaker 3: children are like sponges and they absorb everything and they

365
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,000
Speaker 3: learn everything through us as parents. So the fact that

366
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Speaker 3: she also has her children in mind is amazing. I

367
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Speaker 3: know sometimes we think, right for the sanctity of having

368
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,800
Speaker 3: the family together, that it's best to stay, but when

369
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,159
Speaker 3: a dynamic is not healthy, it can actually even be

370
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,320
Speaker 3: healthier to have that separation. And you know, for your

371
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:25,080
Speaker 3: kids to know that it's okay to set boundaries. It's

372
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Speaker 3: okay to love yourself, honor yourself, and it's okay to

373
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Speaker 3: step away from situations that are not you know, aligning

374
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Speaker 3: with you, or that are not treating you.

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Speaker 2: Well. Yeah, I also feel like kids, I mean, she

376
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,200
Speaker 2: said that he hasn't really shown up as a partner

377
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Speaker 2: or a parent, So I feel like it's pretty easy

378
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,719
Speaker 2: for kids to pick up on that disparity. Yes, and

379
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Speaker 2: I think addressing it as the other parent, addressing it

380
00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:52,879
Speaker 2: so that they don't, you know, as you said, like

381
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,560
Speaker 2: continue to or like take that into absolutely their own

382
00:18:56,600 --> 00:18:57,400
Speaker 2: lives as they grow.

383
00:18:57,760 --> 00:18:59,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, and kids are a lot smarter than we think,

384
00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:02,240
Speaker 3: and you're observing a lot more than we think.

385
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Speaker 2: So oh yeah, you're absolutely right. Well, I mean, like

386
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,359
Speaker 2: I used to work with kids a lot, you know,

387
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:09,119
Speaker 2: as a babysitter, as like summer school and all that stuff,

388
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,880
Speaker 2: and then you know, kids always come in and they

389
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:14,080
Speaker 2: tell you crazy stuff about the family, and you're like, oh,

390
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:18,359
Speaker 2: I'll tell you the truth. Yeah, I'm sure. Okay, Yeah

391
00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:21,160
Speaker 2: that's concerning. But there is a second update, so we're

392
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,080
Speaker 2: gonna get into that. Sorry, it's taken me a bit longer.

393
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,960
Speaker 2: To update than I originally thought. We have not been

394
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,679
Speaker 2: back to therapy yet because we had two family friends

395
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,399
Speaker 2: pass away last week, so there has been a lot

396
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,800
Speaker 2: going on. But Marcelo is a completely different person in

397
00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:39,280
Speaker 2: the best way possible. He told me that he was

398
00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:41,640
Speaker 2: upset with himself for acting the way he did while

399
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,560
Speaker 2: I was in labor, and that it hurt me as

400
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,560
Speaker 2: much as it did, and he wished I had told

401
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,199
Speaker 2: him how I was really feeling in that moment and

402
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,680
Speaker 2: he never would have left my side. I told him

403
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,600
Speaker 2: that I tend to let him do what he wants,

404
00:19:53,119 --> 00:19:55,919
Speaker 2: so I know what he'd rather do, and in that moment,

405
00:19:56,040 --> 00:19:58,399
Speaker 2: he showed me he would rather be doing a hobby

406
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:03,040
Speaker 2: than supporting his laboring wife. He said he understood, and

407
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,679
Speaker 2: for the first time, gave me a genuine apology and

408
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,800
Speaker 2: asked how he can show me that he does care

409
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 2: and wants to make up for his mistakes. We had

410
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:14,640
Speaker 2: a lengthy conversation about where I felt overwhelmed and how

411
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,959
Speaker 2: he adds to that and how he can take some

412
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,800
Speaker 2: of the weight off my shoulders. Since then, he has

413
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,399
Speaker 2: stepped up so much that I didn't even realize how

414
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,800
Speaker 2: much I was doing to support the house until now

415
00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:29,040
Speaker 2: he's washing the dishes and making sure my pump parts

416
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,800
Speaker 2: are washed for the next day. He takes the baby

417
00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,199
Speaker 2: after I nurse at night and puts the baby to

418
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,280
Speaker 2: sleep while I manage the toddler. Instead of asking me

419
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:39,040
Speaker 2: what I need help with or what needs to be

420
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,520
Speaker 2: done around the house, he says, this is what I

421
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,680
Speaker 2: planned to a college today. Is there anything else you

422
00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,959
Speaker 2: prefer me to focus on? That's great? Yeah, it feels

423
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,480
Speaker 2: like a really effective because I think a lot of

424
00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,119
Speaker 2: times we'll also have stories where the person's like, okay,

425
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,000
Speaker 2: give me a like what do you need to do?

426
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,040
Speaker 2: What do you need to do? And that puts a

427
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,840
Speaker 2: lot of emotional and mental work on the partner, who

428
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,480
Speaker 2: is you know, previously been doing all that work. Yeah,

429
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,440
Speaker 2: it's like you might not be doing the physical labor,

430
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,320
Speaker 2: but you're doing the mental labor. So it's good that

431
00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:12,439
Speaker 2: he's giving the list and then if you need anything else, Yes, absolutely.

432
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,959
Speaker 2: He even started sweeping the house. I don't think I've

433
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,400
Speaker 2: seen him hold a broom in like three years. This

434
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,199
Speaker 2: is so alarming to learn all of the things that

435
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:25,520
Speaker 2: he's not doing. He has been more affectionate, even in

436
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,920
Speaker 2: front of other people, and my mother in law even

437
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 2: pointed out, I seem less stressed and happier. And we

438
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,760
Speaker 2: do have a little bit left to the story, But

439
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,200
Speaker 2: do you have any final thoughts, especially about this big

440
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:37,200
Speaker 2: shift that we're seeing.

441
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:43,840
Speaker 3: Honestly, I'm very surprised, same, and I'm wondering what cost

442
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:45,640
Speaker 3: the ship? What was the click for him?

443
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,280
Speaker 2: Because she said it so many times exactly.

444
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,919
Speaker 3: So what changed, what shifted in him? What made it click?

445
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,359
Speaker 3: Very surprised, to be honest, I was not expecting this to.

446
00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,560
Speaker 2: Go north away. It never usually goes as well.

447
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,360
Speaker 3: Yeah, for a story, I'm glad that it did work

448
00:22:01,359 --> 00:22:04,159
Speaker 3: out for her at the end, and that he acknowledged

449
00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,760
Speaker 3: what he did, he apologized, and that he's showing up

450
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,240
Speaker 3: for her a lot more and for the family.

451
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:15,560
Speaker 2: In your experience, like, what are moments where your clients like,

452
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,040
Speaker 2: you know, you don't have to be specific, but are like,

453
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 2: what are the moments that you've noticed where it clicks

454
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:24,320
Speaker 2: for a partner who's maybe not listening, Like what kind

455
00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:26,440
Speaker 2: of preemps that or catalyzes that.

456
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,080
Speaker 3: Honestly, it sounds so simple, but it's awareness, right, because

457
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,280
Speaker 3: you cannot change or understand something that you're not aware of.

458
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:36,600
Speaker 3: So the first step is always awareness. Once you have

459
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 3: that awareness, you have that piece of information, and now

460
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:41,800
Speaker 3: you can choose how to move forward. What do you

461
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:44,400
Speaker 3: want to do with this piece of information? The awareness

462
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,000
Speaker 3: would be Wow, I didn't realize that this was offending you,

463
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,000
Speaker 3: or I didn't realize that me not doing this was

464
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,880
Speaker 3: making you feel sad, or I didn't realize that maybe

465
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,639
Speaker 3: the way I speak wasn't coming across and you know,

466
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:55,560
Speaker 3: in the way I thought.

467
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:56,399
Speaker 2: So.

468
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,960
Speaker 3: Awareness is definitely key for any type of change.

469
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,280
Speaker 2: Yeaholutely, But there is a little bit left to the story.

470
00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 1: Okay.

471
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:05,720
Speaker 2: I did make sure to tell him I see his

472
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:10,200
Speaker 2: efforts and that I appreciate it, but I'm also warried

473
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,199
Speaker 2: that he is just going to get comfortable again and

474
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:16,199
Speaker 2: stop contributing after he feels he's in the clear, and

475
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,800
Speaker 2: I'm not going to tolerate it again. He admitted that

476
00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,080
Speaker 2: he tends to fall into that place of comfort when

477
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,200
Speaker 2: he knows everything will get taken care of whether he

478
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,760
Speaker 2: does them or not because of the way he was raised,

479
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:29,600
Speaker 2: and he knows he needs to work on that. He

480
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,399
Speaker 2: also asked me to hold him accountable and point out

481
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,679
Speaker 2: if he starts slipping again. So he can course correct.

482
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,760
Speaker 2: At the end of the day, Marcello isn't perfect. Neither

483
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,240
Speaker 2: am I. But I will take a trying man over

484
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 2: a perfect man any day. As long as the progress

485
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:47,239
Speaker 2: keeps climbing, I think we'll be all right. Thank you

486
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,280
Speaker 2: everyone for the advice and your own stories. I do

487
00:23:50,440 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 2: know that I deserve better than my last labor experience,

488
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,920
Speaker 2: and I am now demanding it from the man who

489
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 2: owes me as such. Also, we're continuing in therapy so

490
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,719
Speaker 2: our growth doesn't stick, and that is the end of

491
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:05,480
Speaker 2: that story. That's great. Seems like therapy was very helpful

492
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:06,200
Speaker 2: for them. Yeah.

493
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,440
Speaker 3: And the positive too, is that they're still actively in therapy. Yes,

494
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:13,040
Speaker 3: so any you know, issues that might still be coming

495
00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:15,919
Speaker 3: up or anything that might be unresolved, they can still

496
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,120
Speaker 3: process that in therapy.

497
00:24:17,359 --> 00:24:19,399
Speaker 2: Yeah. And it seems like, I mean, he kind of

498
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:22,200
Speaker 2: brought up a little bit how he was raised has

499
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,119
Speaker 2: impacted how he and you know, maybe he had a

500
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,399
Speaker 2: parent who was just did a lot more work in

501
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,919
Speaker 2: the home versus the other parent, and that's kind of

502
00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:34,560
Speaker 2: what he's mirroring. Yeah, but it's good that he recognizes

503
00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:35,760
Speaker 2: that exactly. Yeah.

504
00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, because definitely right our own childhood impacts the way

505
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:40,760
Speaker 3: we show up in our life and the way that

506
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,760
Speaker 3: we show up in relationships, the way that we show

507
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,639
Speaker 3: up at work. It gives us information and an explanation

508
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 3: as to why we might be showing up that way,

509
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,400
Speaker 3: but it, you know, doesn't give us the excuse to

510
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,320
Speaker 3: not be kind people. So I'm glad that the awareness

511
00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:55,879
Speaker 3: happened and that he's making positive changes.

512
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But that is the end of that first story.

513
00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:01,720
Speaker 2: And we do have some questions from you guys.

514
00:25:01,640 --> 00:25:03,920
Speaker 4: Yes we do. But before we get to those questions

515
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,840
Speaker 4: for our special guests, do you mind introducing you'll give.

516
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,120
Speaker 2: Us another little introduction.

517
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, my name is Myra. I'm a licensed marriage and

518
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:16,960
Speaker 3: family therapists in California and Colorado, and I have experience

519
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:21,840
Speaker 3: working with children, adolescents, families, couples, and adults, and I

520
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:26,200
Speaker 3: specialize in trauma, depression, anxiety, and low self esteem issues.

521
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:30,000
Speaker 2: Thank you very much. Yeah, you're welcome you some of

522
00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 2: that expertise on these questions that are from you guys.

523
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,159
Speaker 2: This question comes from Jamie Photography. Chick who is in

524
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:39,320
Speaker 2: the chat right now, TOLDR when I was eight years old,

525
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,399
Speaker 2: I lost the person that meant the most to me.

526
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 2: He was a family friend that treated me more like

527
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 2: a grandfather than both of my actual grandfathers. My mom

528
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:50,080
Speaker 2: would take my sisters and I over and we would

529
00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:53,200
Speaker 2: help clean horse stalls and give the horses food and treats.

530
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,359
Speaker 2: It was my escape when my sisters drove me nuts

531
00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:58,920
Speaker 2: and I would actually do my homework near the specific

532
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,280
Speaker 2: horsetall to get away from my sister's and help me focus.

533
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 2: The night he passed away, my sister and I were there.

534
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,359
Speaker 2: My mom hadn't taken us over in a bit because

535
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,879
Speaker 2: he hadn't been doing well health wise, but he had

536
00:26:10,880 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 2: been doing better that day, so my mom took us

537
00:26:13,119 --> 00:26:16,120
Speaker 2: over because we missed him. When we got there, he

538
00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:19,320
Speaker 2: hadn't been breathing well and couldn't grab his oxygen tank.

539
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,520
Speaker 2: Luckily we got there in time to get it to him,

540
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 2: but it was barely working to help him, so we

541
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:26,560
Speaker 2: called nine to one one to get EMTs out there.

542
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:30,480
Speaker 2: For some reason, the EMTs kept pulling into his neighbour's

543
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:35,479
Speaker 2: driveway and weren't paying attention to us flashing the porch lights.

544
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,560
Speaker 2: My sister and I had to go out to the

545
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:39,560
Speaker 2: end of his driveway to get them to pull into

546
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,600
Speaker 2: the right driveway. The EMTs ended up having to do

547
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:45,200
Speaker 2: CPR on him as my sister and I were watching

548
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:47,840
Speaker 2: them put him in the back of the ambulance. When

549
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 2: we were all about two minutes out from the hospital,

550
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,479
Speaker 2: thet's turned off lights and sirens, which typically means they

551
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:57,520
Speaker 2: have tried everything and nothing worked. Now, at eight, I

552
00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,920
Speaker 2: was hoping a miracle would happen and that i'd wait

553
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,080
Speaker 2: up the next morning and he'd be alive. But my dad,

554
00:27:03,119 --> 00:27:06,400
Speaker 2: who was not good in these situations, decided that when

555
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:09,679
Speaker 2: I walked out of my room, within thirty seconds of

556
00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,840
Speaker 2: me waking up and walking out there, that he'd just say, sorry,

557
00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:15,919
Speaker 2: but he's passed and didn't make it. Ooof that is

558
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,160
Speaker 2: not a great way to tell you.

559
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:17,280
Speaker 4: No.

560
00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:20,879
Speaker 2: His funeral is the only funeral I have ever bawled

561
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,159
Speaker 2: my eyes out at, and every year, around holidays and

562
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,760
Speaker 2: around the day he passed away, I cry. In February,

563
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,760
Speaker 2: it'll be coming up on twenty years since he passed.

564
00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,520
Speaker 2: I still remember that night like it happened not that

565
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,720
Speaker 2: long ago. And Jamie's question is how do I help

566
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 2: myself get through not wanting to cry as much over

567
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 2: something kind of traumatic that happened when I was eight

568
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,600
Speaker 2: years old. I don't mind crying at times, but it

569
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:48,119
Speaker 2: sometimes seems to put me in a depressive episode, and

570
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,320
Speaker 2: I cry more often than I like about it.

571
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, one, trauma and grief are deeply complex, and

572
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,800
Speaker 3: you know, I think sometimes we think, well, it's been

573
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 3: this amount of years, it shouldn't be impacting me anymore.

574
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,400
Speaker 3: I shouldn't be crying anymore. And if I do cry,

575
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,919
Speaker 3: it shouldn't be to this extent. So one of the

576
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,280
Speaker 3: things I'd like to encourage her is to remove thus

577
00:28:09,280 --> 00:28:12,040
Speaker 3: should right, your feelings are allowed to be here. And

578
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,640
Speaker 3: the thing with grief is that it could be a day,

579
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 3: it could be a few weeks, it could be months

580
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 3: or years, and grief is still a very real part

581
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,920
Speaker 3: of us and it doesn't go away. We just learn

582
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 3: how to live with the absence of that person. And

583
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,120
Speaker 3: so it's normal that even if it's twenty years after

584
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 3: the fact that the tears come, that's normal. It's valid,

585
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,920
Speaker 3: and it's allowed to be here. And grief kind of

586
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:35,919
Speaker 3: hits us like the waves of the ocean. Right, So

587
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 3: grief comes and goes, and sometimes we might get a

588
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:41,160
Speaker 3: big wave of grief and it's okay to ride out

589
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:43,600
Speaker 3: the wave, and unfortunately, the way to ride out the

590
00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:47,480
Speaker 3: wave is to allow ourselves to feel that, whether it's

591
00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:51,640
Speaker 3: the sadness, whether it's the loneliness, whether it's the tears,

592
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:55,120
Speaker 3: that's allowed to be here, and we can give it space,

593
00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:57,920
Speaker 3: because that's how we ride out the wave, not by

594
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 3: trying not to do it, by ignoring it, not by

595
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,080
Speaker 3: avoiding it, but by feeling it. The only way through

596
00:29:04,120 --> 00:29:06,360
Speaker 3: it is to feel it. And I know that those

597
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,840
Speaker 3: feelings can be very uncomfortable, and if it's something that

598
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 3: does get very overwhelming, then I would highly encourage getting

599
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:16,120
Speaker 3: connected to a therapist so that you have someone to

600
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,880
Speaker 3: walk this journey with you. Again, grief is very complex,

601
00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 3: and so is trauma, and if you're noticing that grief

602
00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:26,120
Speaker 3: when that wave of grief hits, it's taking you to

603
00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:30,840
Speaker 3: a depressive episode. I definitely think that getting connected to

604
00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:34,200
Speaker 3: a therapist would be helpful to process that trauma deeper.

605
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:38,000
Speaker 3: But please know that there's nothing wrong with still wanting

606
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 3: to cry, there's nothing wrong with still feeling it. That

607
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,760
Speaker 3: doesn't go away. We're human and we're going to feel

608
00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 3: the absence of that person until it's our time to

609
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,880
Speaker 3: go as well. So that's allowed to be here, So

610
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:50,000
Speaker 3: give it space.

611
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:51,719
Speaker 2: To be here. It's great answer, thank you.

612
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:55,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, you're welcome. To love is to grief, right, So

613
00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:57,920
Speaker 3: the fact that she's thinking about him, the fact that

614
00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:01,120
Speaker 3: it's still impacting her, shows that there was deep love.

615
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,120
Speaker 3: Because where there's deep grief, there was deep love. And

616
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 3: I think that's the beauty of grief.

617
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:07,600
Speaker 2: Right.

618
00:30:07,880 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 3: None of us want it, but it is something that

619
00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,120
Speaker 3: all of us, at some point in our lives are

620
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 3: going to go through. And that's the price that we

621
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 3: unfortunately pay for love. Yeah, because when we love someone,

622
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,640
Speaker 3: we run the risk of losing them. Right. But even

623
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:26,040
Speaker 3: the fact that we still feel the way of losing

624
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:28,360
Speaker 3: that person, that we still have those feelings, that we

625
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 3: still have those tears. I like to encourage her to

626
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:33,840
Speaker 3: also reframe that is like, that's a way of honoring

627
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,680
Speaker 3: them as well, because it hurts so much because I

628
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,840
Speaker 3: loved you so deeply. It hurts so much because the

629
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,920
Speaker 3: impact that you made in my life was that big. Yeah,

630
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,120
Speaker 3: So in a way, our pain is also a way

631
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:45,160
Speaker 3: of honoring them.

632
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:48,560
Speaker 2: That's really beautiful. Yeah, thank you for that. You're welcome.

633
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:52,360
Speaker 2: And there is another question from Kristen who says I

634
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:56,000
Speaker 2: thirty seven female, am one of three children, forty two male,

635
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:59,880
Speaker 2: forty one male. Two divorced parents. Mom has not read,

636
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 2: married and displays self absorbed traits. The world revolves around her.

637
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,840
Speaker 2: We cannot spend any holiday occasion with our dad as

638
00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,719
Speaker 2: she misses out and makes our lives difficult. I am

639
00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,120
Speaker 2: about to have my first child and I want to

640
00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 2: start my own family traditions. Question how can I establish

641
00:31:19,240 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 2: new family traditions during holiday events and seasons without making

642
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:28,160
Speaker 2: difficult situations for my siblings or making my family implode?

643
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:30,640
Speaker 2: That is the question from Kristen well One.

644
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:32,960
Speaker 3: That's a lot of pressure to put on herself, right,

645
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:37,560
Speaker 3: because the reality of it is that we don't have

646
00:31:37,800 --> 00:31:42,200
Speaker 3: control over other people's reactions, other people's feelings, and other

647
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,800
Speaker 3: people's behaviors. We can try and tread lightly, we can

648
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:48,120
Speaker 3: try and tread with caution, but at the end of

649
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 3: the day, if someone is going to decide that they're

650
00:31:50,080 --> 00:31:52,080
Speaker 3: going to be offended or that they're not going to

651
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:54,840
Speaker 3: like it, then we don't have control over that, right.

652
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:58,200
Speaker 3: So the best way to approach this is setting healthy boundaries,

653
00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:01,720
Speaker 3: communicating your needs in a way that's assertive but still kind.

654
00:32:02,040 --> 00:32:06,080
Speaker 3: But then also preparing yourself that whatever reaction they have, like,

655
00:32:06,200 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 3: I'm going to be okay with that because I need

656
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 3: to do these traditions for myself, for my family, and

657
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,160
Speaker 3: so not letting whatever reaction might or may not happen

658
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 3: change the fact that you're allowed to have your own

659
00:32:18,480 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 3: traditions regardless of how your family members might feel or

660
00:32:21,960 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 3: react about that.

661
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:25,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like when you have that new family

662
00:32:25,600 --> 00:32:28,280
Speaker 2: unit with like your kids and your partner and stuff,

663
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,360
Speaker 2: it can be I feel like a big transition for

664
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,280
Speaker 2: a lot of people, definitely if you've spent your whole

665
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 2: childhood and.

666
00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,360
Speaker 4: I think we get a lot of stories like that.

667
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:40,360
Speaker 4: They're like, how do I navigate this? And I feel

668
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 4: like a lot of the stories at the end of

669
00:32:42,320 --> 00:32:44,360
Speaker 4: the day they say, you know what, I got to

670
00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:48,920
Speaker 4: focus on my family first before anything else. Which it's

671
00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 4: all new again. Same thing like you said about breathing.

672
00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 4: It's a new family. You can read books and you

673
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:55,840
Speaker 4: know you can prepare for it, but no one really

674
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,120
Speaker 4: knows how to navigate it until you're really in it.

675
00:32:58,480 --> 00:32:58,760
Speaker 2: Yeah.

676
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:02,040
Speaker 1: Absolutely, the question, Hey it's Sam, your og host.

677
00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:02,200
Speaker 5: Here.

678
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:03,760
Speaker 1: We're gonna get back to the stories. But here's three

679
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 1: minutes of ads from our sponsors.

680
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 2: From Everyday Loser, who says, I have been with my

681
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 2: three kids dad for seven years now, and more often

682
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,560
Speaker 2: than not, I feel like I really just have four kids.

683
00:33:15,080 --> 00:33:18,840
Speaker 2: Our arguments have become so consistent in pattern and structure

684
00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 2: that have actually been able to write down, almost word

685
00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 2: for word, exactly how it's going to go down. When

686
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:27,240
Speaker 2: I bring up an issue down.

687
00:33:27,040 --> 00:33:30,080
Speaker 4: That's crazy like you were and you're going to say this,

688
00:33:30,280 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 4: and you say.

689
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 2: It reminds me of there's this mom on TikTok and

690
00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 2: she'll like ask him a question because she knows exactly

691
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:40,360
Speaker 2: what he's gonna say, so she'd be like, do you

692
00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,400
Speaker 2: want to go to the park. He's like, I love

693
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:43,640
Speaker 2: the and she'll like mouth along.

694
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 3: Oh wow.

695
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:48,360
Speaker 2: Feels like a sweeter version of what's on. Yeah. Yeah.

696
00:33:48,640 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 2: He's like talking to your husband and like can you

697
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,680
Speaker 2: do the dishes? And then she maths like, now I

698
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:57,200
Speaker 2: hate the dishes. That's what I feel like, is yeah,

699
00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:01,320
Speaker 2: what happens nine times out of ten, something like me

700
00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:05,160
Speaker 2: presents issue or explain so situation makes me feel him

701
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:10,279
Speaker 2: to flex gaslights, avoids any accountability whatsoever. Me points out

702
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:14,120
Speaker 2: the behavior and tries to redirect the problem him, uses

703
00:34:14,120 --> 00:34:16,239
Speaker 2: some excuse along the lines of I can't do this

704
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:19,880
Speaker 2: right now, and proceeds to stonewall. Cut two a week later,

705
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,200
Speaker 2: and it starts the same with my bringing up a problem,

706
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:26,160
Speaker 2: and then he uses quotes from the previous week where

707
00:34:26,200 --> 00:34:29,080
Speaker 2: I call out his behavior, tries to flip the script,

708
00:34:29,160 --> 00:34:31,680
Speaker 2: and when that doesn't work, cut back to I can

709
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,839
Speaker 2: do this right now and stonewalling again. He will even

710
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:39,760
Speaker 2: force himself to sleep to avoid the conversation. Force himself

711
00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:43,320
Speaker 2: to sleep. Wow, does he know those like navy seal

712
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,719
Speaker 2: tactics where they can sleep anywhere. He's just like one.

713
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,319
Speaker 2: I just have to work on my breathing. I don't

714
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:52,320
Speaker 2: want to have this conversation anymore. Then he just passes out.

715
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 2: The question is how in the world do I communicate

716
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:59,480
Speaker 2: with the wall when the cycle feels never ending? And

717
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 2: is the or even a point or should I end

718
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:05,359
Speaker 2: things before I actually start to move from resenting him

719
00:35:05,719 --> 00:35:08,279
Speaker 2: to hating him? And that is the end of that

720
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:12,160
Speaker 2: question from every Day Loser. I believe that.

721
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,520
Speaker 3: Is one of the main issues in relationships right is

722
00:35:15,560 --> 00:35:18,799
Speaker 3: not feeling heard, not feeling seen, and not feeling understood.

723
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:21,520
Speaker 3: And that's also one of the most important things that

724
00:35:21,560 --> 00:35:25,080
Speaker 3: does connect us with our partner. Obviously, she knows her

725
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:27,520
Speaker 3: partner better than I do. You know, I can't tell

726
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:29,439
Speaker 3: her to leave him or not to leave him, because

727
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 3: that decision falls on her and she knows best. But

728
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,360
Speaker 3: something I always like to advise my clients is like,

729
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,759
Speaker 3: if you feel like you've tried everything, You've tried all

730
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,920
Speaker 3: the avenues, right, You've tried having healthy communication skills, You've

731
00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,800
Speaker 3: probably even gone to therapy to try and sort this out.

732
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:46,959
Speaker 3: You know, you've done all the things, and you feel

733
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:50,400
Speaker 3: like it's still not working, then that's usually information for

734
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,759
Speaker 3: you to kind of sit down, reflect and reevaluate. So

735
00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:57,239
Speaker 3: where is this going? Is this going anywhere? Is this fixable?

736
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,759
Speaker 3: Do I want to be in this? What do I want?

737
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 3: And Something that can kind of help detangle all those

738
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:05,200
Speaker 3: thoughts that are in our mind about our relationship is

739
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 3: creating a pros and cons list. What are the pros

740
00:36:07,560 --> 00:36:10,560
Speaker 3: of staying in this relationship? What are the cons? What

741
00:36:10,760 --> 00:36:13,640
Speaker 3: side has more than the other? Right? That alone, just

742
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:16,799
Speaker 3: putting it visually can help you determine if this is

743
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,879
Speaker 3: worth fighting for or if it might be that either

744
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,000
Speaker 3: you outgrew each other it's not healthy and you might

745
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:22,919
Speaker 3: need to end things.

746
00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 2: Yeah. I also feel like a lot of times when

747
00:36:25,680 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 2: we get Reddit stories, we'll have a person say, oh, well,

748
00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 2: I don't want to leave my partner, or my partner

749
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,759
Speaker 2: is a good person, but they've just spent a whole

750
00:36:34,800 --> 00:36:38,040
Speaker 2: story telling us only the bad things, and we get

751
00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:41,480
Speaker 2: literally no redeeming factors. Yeah, and I do think it

752
00:36:41,560 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 2: is pretty you know, it can be a clear sign

753
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:46,840
Speaker 2: of how you're feeling about that person if you can't

754
00:36:46,880 --> 00:36:50,440
Speaker 2: give any good things about them. So, yeah, that makes sense.

755
00:36:50,520 --> 00:36:52,080
Speaker 2: But if you have pro and cons.

756
00:36:51,800 --> 00:36:54,719
Speaker 3: List, yes, and also right, two things can be true

757
00:36:54,719 --> 00:36:57,759
Speaker 3: at once. Someone can be great at certain things or

758
00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,520
Speaker 3: can have, you know, good qualities, but they can also

759
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:04,120
Speaker 3: not hear you, not show up for you, not communicate well.

760
00:37:04,239 --> 00:37:07,279
Speaker 3: So one doesn't negate the other. And so I think

761
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,560
Speaker 3: sometimes we think about people and relationships as very black

762
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 3: and white.

763
00:37:10,920 --> 00:37:11,959
Speaker 2: But there's a lot of gray.

764
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:15,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely, and yeah, right, you know their original poster

765
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:17,880
Speaker 3: will know better, right because they are the ones that

766
00:37:17,920 --> 00:37:20,160
Speaker 3: live with their partners day in and day out, and

767
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:22,319
Speaker 3: we only get a snippet of what they're telling us.

768
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 3: But definitely that pros and constants can really just bring

769
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:26,000
Speaker 3: a lot of clarity.

770
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,120
Speaker 2: Yeah. And there is another question from anonymous, who says, I,

771
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:32,920
Speaker 2: twenty four female, have been with my boyfriend, thirty one

772
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,000
Speaker 2: male for a little over two years, and he's the

773
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:40,279
Speaker 2: first partner who has ever made me feel genuinely safe, respected,

774
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 2: and loved. When we first got close, I was stuck

775
00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:47,120
Speaker 2: in a controlling relationship and going through a very emotional time.

776
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,680
Speaker 2: I coped poorly back then, staying out very late and

777
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:54,760
Speaker 2: avoiding home, and my family assumed he influenced me, even

778
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 2: though those choices were mine. Although all of us have

779
00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:00,800
Speaker 2: moved on from that period, my older siblings still carry

780
00:38:00,840 --> 00:38:03,919
Speaker 2: resentment toward him. My boyfriend is actually the same age

781
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:07,000
Speaker 2: as my older sister and her husband thirty one, and

782
00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:09,960
Speaker 2: my brother is only a year older than me. Yeah,

783
00:38:10,040 --> 00:38:12,960
Speaker 2: the tension makes both of us feel like we're constantly

784
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,200
Speaker 2: walking on eggshells around them. Question. I don't need my

785
00:38:16,239 --> 00:38:19,880
Speaker 2: family to revisit or fully understand the past anymore. I

786
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:22,080
Speaker 2: just want them to be open to getting to know

787
00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:25,800
Speaker 2: who my boyfriend truly is. Now. How can my boyfriend

788
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,400
Speaker 2: and I gently encourage my siblings to give him a

789
00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 2: real chance and start building a more comfortable relationship with him,

790
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:34,120
Speaker 2: and that is the end of that question.

791
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, communicating to your siblings, to your family that this

792
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,160
Speaker 3: is important to you, that this is the person that

793
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:43,399
Speaker 3: you've chosen to build alive with, that you know, because

794
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:45,319
Speaker 3: you've chosen that he's not going anywhere, and that it

795
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,279
Speaker 3: would really mean a lot to you for them to

796
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:50,279
Speaker 3: give him that opportunity, whether it might be like hey,

797
00:38:50,360 --> 00:38:52,760
Speaker 3: let's go grab some coffee, let's go out for lunch,

798
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:56,080
Speaker 3: or you know, let's get together and play some board games.

799
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:58,799
Speaker 3: But to give him that chance, right and again too,

800
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,279
Speaker 3: like I've mentioned time and time again through this podcast,

801
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:05,919
Speaker 3: you know, with family relationships with romantic relationships, it's really

802
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:08,080
Speaker 3: hard because there's only so much we can't do right,

803
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:11,360
Speaker 3: But what falls under us is being able to communicate

804
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:13,840
Speaker 3: what we need, what our expectations are, and what we

805
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 3: would want to see. Yeah, and then now the person

806
00:39:16,760 --> 00:39:19,000
Speaker 3: on the other end has that information and then they

807
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:21,480
Speaker 3: can choose how to proceed with that. But yeah, let

808
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:23,680
Speaker 3: them know, like how much this means to you for

809
00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,520
Speaker 3: them to give him a chance, and like I said,

810
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,400
Speaker 3: offer like something like let's go grab coffee or lunch

811
00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:30,960
Speaker 3: and see where it goes from there.

812
00:39:32,520 --> 00:39:35,799
Speaker 2: More great advice. Thank you, You're welcome. That's the end

813
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:38,359
Speaker 2: of the fan questions. Thank you guys for sending in

814
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:40,000
Speaker 2: your questions. By the way, I know some of you

815
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,759
Speaker 2: were in the chat, so I appreciate all of that

816
00:39:42,880 --> 00:39:45,080
Speaker 2: and all of the stories that you shared. We do

817
00:39:45,160 --> 00:39:46,440
Speaker 2: have one more story.

818
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,120
Speaker 6: Everyone expects me to forgive the man who pretends my

819
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:56,640
Speaker 6: kids don't exist. That's chaotic trigger warning substance mistreatment. When

820
00:39:56,760 --> 00:40:00,759
Speaker 6: my bioparents divorced I was two, my BioTime was never

821
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,280
Speaker 6: there like I needed him to be, but I always

822
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 6: had my stepdad Sean. By the way, this comes from

823
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,680
Speaker 6: either telephone three oh one. And if you want to

824
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,879
Speaker 6: spit your own stories, go to the r slagh Okay

825
00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:12,080
Speaker 6: storytime separed it.

826
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,800
Speaker 2: I'm Sophia, I'm Myra.

827
00:40:14,960 --> 00:40:17,880
Speaker 4: And I'm Keon and we do have a special guest here, Mayra.

828
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:19,720
Speaker 4: You want to go ahead and introduce yourself.

829
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:22,920
Speaker 3: Hi, I'm Myra. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist

830
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:28,600
Speaker 3: in California and Colorado, and I have experienced working with children, adolescence, families,

831
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:32,920
Speaker 3: couples and adults who struggle with depression, anxiety, self esteem issues,

832
00:40:32,920 --> 00:40:33,719
Speaker 3: and trauma.

833
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 2: Thank you, and we're going to use your expertise to

834
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:39,759
Speaker 2: help opeach it awesome. My mom and Sean married and

835
00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,240
Speaker 2: had a child together, my half sister, Emily. Their marriage

836
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:47,239
Speaker 2: didn't last long, and Sean quickly got into a relationship

837
00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:51,200
Speaker 2: with my mom's friend, who also had two children from

838
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:55,320
Speaker 2: a previous relationship. These people are a messy. Since Emily

839
00:40:55,480 --> 00:40:59,080
Speaker 2: was his biological daughter, he had visitation rights on the

840
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:01,120
Speaker 2: weekends and I will off and go with her to

841
00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 2: stay at Shawn's new home with his new girlfriend. My

842
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:07,640
Speaker 2: sister Emily and I got really close with his new stepdaughter, Sarah.

843
00:41:07,719 --> 00:41:11,239
Speaker 2: Then the adults considered saul siblings. During this time, the

844
00:41:11,239 --> 00:41:16,120
Speaker 2: opioid epidemic was quickly taking over the nation, and unfortunately,

845
00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,680
Speaker 2: my mom, Sean, and his new girlfriend had all been

846
00:41:19,719 --> 00:41:24,719
Speaker 2: swept up in it, becoming full blown addicts. Legal troubles

847
00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:29,240
Speaker 2: followed quickly. Seawan was caught and sentenced to six years

848
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:33,200
Speaker 2: in prison. This was traumatizing to all of the kids involved,

849
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,520
Speaker 2: and me, being the oldest, I was disappointed. Their actions

850
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,839
Speaker 2: forced me to take on roles I was far too

851
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:42,840
Speaker 2: young for, but regardless, I loved them. They were my family.

852
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:45,600
Speaker 2: When Sewn went to prison, my mom got it together

853
00:41:45,719 --> 00:41:49,320
Speaker 2: and started working towards her sobriety. Today she is nine

854
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:53,800
Speaker 2: almost ten years sober, and I am so proud of her. However,

855
00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:58,600
Speaker 2: communication between Sean and I unexpectedly stopped. When you're in prison,

856
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 2: you can up people call you, you have to call them.

857
00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:03,520
Speaker 2: Since I was seventeen at the time, I had my

858
00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:06,440
Speaker 2: own cell phone and made sure he had my number.

859
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:10,040
Speaker 2: But he didn't call, he didn't write, he didn't ask

860
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:14,160
Speaker 2: me to come visit. Absolute radio silence. I would ask

861
00:42:14,400 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 2: after him to my sister Emily. She'd give me quick updates,

862
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:21,480
Speaker 2: like he's doing good, or he started out of work

863
00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:24,480
Speaker 2: program since he's been sober for so long. They were

864
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:27,720
Speaker 2: great updates, but I was always confused why he wouldn't

865
00:42:27,719 --> 00:42:30,680
Speaker 2: speak to me. I chalked it up to guilt. Maybe

866
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:33,319
Speaker 2: he was feeling guilty for the trauma and pain their

867
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:36,719
Speaker 2: addictions caused and was working on himself and things would

868
00:42:36,760 --> 00:42:39,160
Speaker 2: be better when he came home. By the time Sean

869
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:42,480
Speaker 2: was released from prison, my life had changed quite a bit.

870
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:46,160
Speaker 2: I'd gotten married, had two kids, and then had become

871
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:49,000
Speaker 2: a widow. I had battled with the trauma the adults

872
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:52,080
Speaker 2: in my life had left behind, and was quickly learning

873
00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:54,640
Speaker 2: how to love myself. I was excited to see him

874
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:56,759
Speaker 2: and talk with him about what adult life was like.

875
00:42:57,160 --> 00:42:59,200
Speaker 2: I was getting my dad back, and I was hoping

876
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:02,000
Speaker 2: to tell him I wasn't angry at him. He did

877
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:03,719
Speaker 2: the best he could with what he had at the

878
00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,720
Speaker 2: time in his life. But I didn't get the chance

879
00:43:07,200 --> 00:43:10,600
Speaker 2: when he came home. I was nonexistent to him. He

880
00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:14,800
Speaker 2: never reached out and never came around. He was always

881
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:17,840
Speaker 2: with Emily and Sarah. He always went to their houses

882
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:21,040
Speaker 2: to visit for long periods of time, attended all their

883
00:43:21,120 --> 00:43:24,640
Speaker 2: kid's birthdays, gave their kids gifts, and even showered them

884
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,440
Speaker 2: with money and paid their bills for them. He still

885
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:31,879
Speaker 2: to this day, has never not one time attended one

886
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:35,759
Speaker 2: of my kid's birthdays or special events. He's never come

887
00:43:35,800 --> 00:43:38,440
Speaker 2: to my house to visit, not even just for a

888
00:43:38,480 --> 00:43:41,440
Speaker 2: few hours. By the time I turned twenty eight, I

889
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:44,560
Speaker 2: was angry and hurt. I felt like a child waiting

890
00:43:44,640 --> 00:43:47,200
Speaker 2: for her dad to notice her sitting alone in the corner.

891
00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:50,840
Speaker 2: I felt left out and unloved. My mom and sister.

892
00:43:50,880 --> 00:43:53,959
Speaker 2: Emily and Sarah knew how I felt. They all knew

893
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:58,080
Speaker 2: I was hurting. That hurt and anger eventually turned into apathy.

894
00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:02,600
Speaker 2: I got tired of waiting, tired of hoping, tired of begging,

895
00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:05,440
Speaker 2: so I just stopped. I made it clear I wanted

896
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:07,839
Speaker 2: nothing to do with him. I didn't want to see

897
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:10,640
Speaker 2: him or be around him. Of course, there were events

898
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:13,040
Speaker 2: we were both at that couldn't be avoided, like my

899
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:16,720
Speaker 2: sister's kid's birthday parties. He never said more than five

900
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:20,399
Speaker 2: words to me, so I eventually stopped calling him Dad.

901
00:44:20,800 --> 00:44:23,360
Speaker 2: I started calling him Sean and hopes he'd ask me

902
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:27,040
Speaker 2: why and it would spark the conversation. He didn't even notice.

903
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:31,680
Speaker 2: Now on to recent events. It's the week before Thanksgiving

904
00:44:31,719 --> 00:44:35,520
Speaker 2: twenty twenty five. Sunday, my sister Emily texted me asking

905
00:44:35,600 --> 00:44:38,200
Speaker 2: if I could watch her kids for her next Saturday night.

906
00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:40,279
Speaker 2: She didn't give me a reason why she needed me

907
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:42,160
Speaker 2: to keep them, and I didn't think anything of it

908
00:44:42,200 --> 00:44:45,320
Speaker 2: to ask. I love my nieces and nephews, of course

909
00:44:45,480 --> 00:44:48,960
Speaker 2: I'll keep them well. That following Tuesday, I was at

910
00:44:48,960 --> 00:44:52,600
Speaker 2: my granny's house when she accidentally let it slip that

911
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:55,520
Speaker 2: the reason I was asked to babysit is because my

912
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:58,719
Speaker 2: mom and Sean were going out with Emily and her

913
00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:01,720
Speaker 2: husband to a bar. The next state over to drink

914
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,920
Speaker 2: and play pool, and that I wasn't supposed to know

915
00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:08,080
Speaker 2: they're going to a bar in another state. How close

916
00:45:08,120 --> 00:45:11,040
Speaker 2: are they to that border? Yeah, and just pausing right

917
00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,400
Speaker 2: there because we had a lot of information. So it

918
00:45:13,440 --> 00:45:16,440
Speaker 2: seems like op he did have a pretty close relationship

919
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 2: with her stepdad. He went to jail, got out now

920
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:23,919
Speaker 2: only as a relationship with his biological daughter and has

921
00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:29,319
Speaker 2: completely sidelined Opee, which originally I thought maybe because he's

922
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:32,719
Speaker 2: no longer with Opie's mom, but it seems like he's

923
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:35,920
Speaker 2: still in communication with her. So any thoughts on that

924
00:45:36,120 --> 00:45:39,080
Speaker 2: or you know, ideas of what might be going on.

925
00:45:39,480 --> 00:45:41,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, we don't know what could have happened in his

926
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:45,720
Speaker 3: time in jail. He went through what caused the change,

927
00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:49,480
Speaker 3: but maybe there was something there that could possibly give

928
00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:52,279
Speaker 3: us some information, but so far we don't know.

929
00:45:52,440 --> 00:45:55,520
Speaker 2: Yeah, Opi continues, he's johnio Ogos here. We're gonna get

930
00:45:55,520 --> 00:45:57,080
Speaker 2: back to the stories. But he's a quick three minute

931
00:45:57,080 --> 00:46:01,080
Speaker 2: break of ass from our sponsors. Apparently it was a secret,

932
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 2: and my granny asked me not to tell them. I knew,

933
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:06,839
Speaker 2: Why couldn't I know? They're all grown adults. If they

934
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 2: want to go out and have some fun. Then go

935
00:46:09,520 --> 00:46:11,399
Speaker 2: Do I think it's a bit weird for my mom

936
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:14,880
Speaker 2: to be going out with her ex husband? Yes, but

937
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 2: I surely have no room to judge. My feelings aren't

938
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:21,640
Speaker 2: her responsibility. There's no reason to lie to me. The

939
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 2: next day, I received this message from my grandma. Okay, Annie,

940
00:46:25,680 --> 00:46:27,560
Speaker 2: but I need to talk to you about this. I

941
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:29,840
Speaker 2: know you're still upset about this stuff with your sisters,

942
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,319
Speaker 2: but the Lord gave you a forgiving heart and you

943
00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,960
Speaker 2: need to let this go. I know that you feel

944
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:36,960
Speaker 2: bad about this, and I want you to do me

945
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,719
Speaker 2: a favor and let's have a Thanksgiving miracle and you

946
00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:42,399
Speaker 2: and Sean please work this out. That's all I want

947
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:45,160
Speaker 2: for Christmas. Please just think about it. I love you

948
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,000
Speaker 2: with all my heart and it breaks my heart to

949
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:50,240
Speaker 2: see you cry. Life is way too short to hold grudges,

950
00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 2: So will you please do that for me. Sean does

951
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:55,279
Speaker 2: love you, and I know you and the girls need this.

952
00:46:55,719 --> 00:46:57,759
Speaker 2: Thank you to your girl for all you do. You're

953
00:46:57,800 --> 00:46:59,879
Speaker 2: amazing and I love you. That would be a really

954
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,759
Speaker 2: confusing message to receive. Yeah, when it's seemingly he has

955
00:47:03,920 --> 00:47:07,080
Speaker 2: just kind of stopped all communication. M or to be

956
00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:09,479
Speaker 2: like I figure this out, and you're like, I don't

957
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:12,880
Speaker 2: even know what happened exactly. Yeah, but it doesn't seem

958
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:16,920
Speaker 2: like she necessarily has tried to have that conversation. Yet

959
00:47:16,960 --> 00:47:20,040
Speaker 2: it seems like she's waiting for him. Yes, so maybe

960
00:47:20,080 --> 00:47:23,840
Speaker 2: he was you know, obviously we don't know this all conjecture,

961
00:47:23,880 --> 00:47:26,360
Speaker 2: but like maybe he felt shame when he was in

962
00:47:26,400 --> 00:47:29,239
Speaker 2: prison and didn't reach out, and then when he got out,

963
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:31,799
Speaker 2: she never reached out. So he's like, oh, maybe she

964
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:34,000
Speaker 2: doesn't want me around me. But yeah, so maybe the

965
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:36,400
Speaker 2: only thing here is that you have that conversation with

966
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:37,360
Speaker 2: him exactly.

967
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:40,120
Speaker 3: Yeah, And this is what's hard, right When we don't communicate,

968
00:47:40,480 --> 00:47:43,359
Speaker 3: then we're left with more questions than answers, and that

969
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 3: in itself can leave us with the tangled thoughts, not

970
00:47:46,560 --> 00:47:48,320
Speaker 3: knowing what's happening.

971
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:52,200
Speaker 2: Exactly, and it leaves for a very confused audience. I

972
00:47:52,239 --> 00:47:53,960
Speaker 2: don't know what's going on you I need to know.

973
00:47:54,520 --> 00:47:57,560
Speaker 2: I was frustrated. Why can't he put forth some effort

974
00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:59,919
Speaker 2: for once and talk to me? Gil Tripping me into

975
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:02,719
Speaker 2: letting it go isn't going to work. I don't even

976
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:05,799
Speaker 2: talk to Sarah anymore, So what her and Shawn's relationship

977
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:09,200
Speaker 2: is like is no longer any of my business. Don't

978
00:48:09,200 --> 00:48:11,640
Speaker 2: assume to think I feel bad about my choice not

979
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:13,919
Speaker 2: to have anything to do with him. He doesn't feel

980
00:48:13,960 --> 00:48:17,640
Speaker 2: bad for abandoning me. Why should I feel bad for

981
00:48:17,680 --> 00:48:21,640
Speaker 2: returning the favor I'm putting me first. Don't try to

982
00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:23,920
Speaker 2: use my kids as a way to twist my arm

983
00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:26,880
Speaker 2: into giving in, as if they don't matter either. My

984
00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:30,040
Speaker 2: kids of eyes, They can tell he treats us differently.

985
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:33,240
Speaker 2: They ask questions. They want to know why poppad doesn't

986
00:48:33,239 --> 00:48:36,160
Speaker 2: come over to see them, why he doesn't call, why

987
00:48:36,239 --> 00:48:39,200
Speaker 2: he hasn't come to their birthdays or school events? What

988
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:42,239
Speaker 2: am I supposed to say to them? Anyways? On Wednesday,

989
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:46,240
Speaker 2: everyone was acting weird and I had my suspicions on why.

990
00:48:46,360 --> 00:48:48,239
Speaker 2: So I just flat out and asked my mom if

991
00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:51,680
Speaker 2: Sean was coming to Thanksgiving dinner. She said yes, and

992
00:48:51,800 --> 00:48:54,400
Speaker 2: I made it very clear that I was not coming.

993
00:48:55,000 --> 00:48:57,360
Speaker 2: If he was there, I would wait until after be

994
00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:59,760
Speaker 2: left to come by. She said that it was fine

995
00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:02,719
Speaker 2: and you would make it work. On Thursday, Thanksgiving Day,

996
00:49:02,800 --> 00:49:06,080
Speaker 2: I spoke to her twice again, telling her I wasn't

997
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:09,200
Speaker 2: coming until after Sean had left and she said, and

998
00:49:09,239 --> 00:49:12,239
Speaker 2: I quote, that's okay. The turkey isn't thought out all

999
00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:14,439
Speaker 2: the way, so it won't be done until like five

1000
00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:18,160
Speaker 2: thirty to six. And Sean and Emily are more ham people,

1001
00:49:18,680 --> 00:49:20,600
Speaker 2: so they're coming at two thirty. So if you want

1002
00:49:20,640 --> 00:49:22,719
Speaker 2: to bring the kids around six pm, we can eat

1003
00:49:22,719 --> 00:49:25,720
Speaker 2: together then and he'll be gone. I have a feeling

1004
00:49:25,840 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 2: she's lying. Maybe they are tricky people, So imagine my

1005
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:34,920
Speaker 2: surprise when I pulled into her driveway and saw everyone's

1006
00:49:35,040 --> 00:49:40,080
Speaker 2: cars in the driveway, including Sean's. I sat in the

1007
00:49:40,120 --> 00:49:43,680
Speaker 2: car with my jaw on the floor, wanting so badly

1008
00:49:43,760 --> 00:49:46,759
Speaker 2: to just turn around and go home. My kids saw

1009
00:49:46,840 --> 00:49:49,359
Speaker 2: their cousins outside, and we're jumping out of the car

1010
00:49:49,480 --> 00:49:52,360
Speaker 2: faster than I could process what was happening. So I

1011
00:49:52,440 --> 00:49:55,319
Speaker 2: crossed my fingers, hoping that maybe they'd already eaten and

1012
00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 2: we're about to leave. Oh how wrong I was. When

1013
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 2: I walked through the front door, it became very clear

1014
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 2: to me that everyone else had just gotten there, meaning

1015
00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:10,640
Speaker 2: that my mom had lied and behind my back, told

1016
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:13,320
Speaker 2: everyone to be there at six so i'd be cornered

1017
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:16,360
Speaker 2: and forced to stay with him there. It took everything

1018
00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:19,200
Speaker 2: in me to not call her out in front of everyone,

1019
00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:21,840
Speaker 2: not only for doing me like this, but also for

1020
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,000
Speaker 2: lying to me about going out on Saturday. But for

1021
00:50:25,040 --> 00:50:27,279
Speaker 2: the sake of the kids, I kept it together. We

1022
00:50:27,440 --> 00:50:30,759
Speaker 2: ate quickly, and within forty five minutes we're back in

1023
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:32,719
Speaker 2: the car on our way home. Do you think he

1024
00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:36,400
Speaker 2: made an effort to talk to me now? The only

1025
00:50:36,480 --> 00:50:40,680
Speaker 2: thing he said was hey, how are you as he

1026
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,280
Speaker 2: was walking past me to go outside for a smoke break.

1027
00:50:43,600 --> 00:50:46,640
Speaker 2: This is so awkward, very this feels like worse than

1028
00:50:46,719 --> 00:50:49,280
Speaker 2: seeing your ex at a party. Yes, like you're seeing

1029
00:50:49,280 --> 00:50:52,279
Speaker 2: your estrange dad. It just doesn't talk to you for

1030
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:56,000
Speaker 2: no reason or that she knows of exactly. Yeah, his

1031
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:59,399
Speaker 2: actions repeatedly show me he doesn't care about me and

1032
00:50:59,480 --> 00:51:02,400
Speaker 2: no longer considers me a daughter. So why is it

1033
00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:05,400
Speaker 2: okay for everyone to expect me to put my feelings

1034
00:51:05,400 --> 00:51:08,680
Speaker 2: aside to keep the peace. If roles were reversed and

1035
00:51:08,719 --> 00:51:10,400
Speaker 2: it was someone else who felt the way I do,

1036
00:51:10,880 --> 00:51:14,799
Speaker 2: everyone would be more than accommodating. But when it's my boundaries,

1037
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:19,319
Speaker 2: my feelings, it doesn't matter. I am so angry. I

1038
00:51:19,360 --> 00:51:23,080
Speaker 2: haven't spoken to anyone since I left. My sisters still

1039
00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 2: want me to watch the kids tomorrow so they can

1040
00:51:25,280 --> 00:51:28,080
Speaker 2: go out on their secret double date. She just texted

1041
00:51:28,080 --> 00:51:30,400
Speaker 2: me ten minutes ago. In fact, I don't know what

1042
00:51:30,520 --> 00:51:33,000
Speaker 2: to do. If I snap on everyone and tell them

1043
00:51:33,000 --> 00:51:34,920
Speaker 2: all how I really feel, I'm going to beat the

1044
00:51:34,960 --> 00:51:37,719
Speaker 2: bad guy if I tell her no, I'm not watching them,

1045
00:51:37,880 --> 00:51:40,440
Speaker 2: because now I don't even want to. Then I'm the

1046
00:51:40,480 --> 00:51:43,880
Speaker 2: bad guy. What should I do? Am I wrong to

1047
00:51:43,920 --> 00:51:47,200
Speaker 2: feel the way I do? Am I overreacting or being petty?

1048
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 2: Because I don't think I am? Am I the agle?

1049
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:53,759
Speaker 2: And there is an update, but we're gonna stop there,

1050
00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:57,759
Speaker 2: take a breath. And that was a lot. Yeah, we

1051
00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:00,480
Speaker 2: got a lot of information about their family, die ynamics

1052
00:52:00,719 --> 00:52:04,120
Speaker 2: about not only the issue between Op and her stepdad,

1053
00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:08,920
Speaker 2: but also the crossing of boundaries with her mom. So

1054
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:10,800
Speaker 2: any thoughts on any of those things?

1055
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:13,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean there's a lot of unknown in this story,

1056
00:52:14,040 --> 00:52:16,880
Speaker 3: which makes it a little bit difficult, right because in

1057
00:52:17,000 --> 00:52:18,719
Speaker 3: order to know how to move forward with this, we

1058
00:52:18,719 --> 00:52:21,280
Speaker 3: would need to know the why? Yeah, why the change?

1059
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:24,200
Speaker 3: Why did he just drop her out of nowhere? Why

1060
00:52:24,239 --> 00:52:26,880
Speaker 3: is there no longer a relationship? Why did he basically

1061
00:52:26,960 --> 00:52:28,680
Speaker 3: ghost or like what was the reason?

1062
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:28,960
Speaker 2: Right?

1063
00:52:29,000 --> 00:52:31,120
Speaker 3: And in order to get to the why, there would

1064
00:52:31,160 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 3: need to be a conversation. Granted, having conversations like that

1065
00:52:34,680 --> 00:52:37,680
Speaker 3: are very difficult, and it's very normal for us to

1066
00:52:37,719 --> 00:52:41,439
Speaker 3: want to avoid having difficult conversations. But sometimes the only

1067
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,879
Speaker 3: way that we can receive clarity is having that conversation

1068
00:52:45,120 --> 00:52:48,840
Speaker 3: asking those questions, because when we don't have the why,

1069
00:52:49,080 --> 00:52:52,480
Speaker 3: it leaves a lot open to interpretation, and that's when

1070
00:52:52,520 --> 00:52:54,920
Speaker 3: we can also fill in the gaps. And sometimes we're

1071
00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:57,080
Speaker 3: filling in the gaps with things that might not be

1072
00:52:57,160 --> 00:53:01,160
Speaker 3: true or might not be fat made exactly, So that

1073
00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:04,520
Speaker 3: would definitely be one of the first steps. But again

1074
00:53:04,680 --> 00:53:08,240
Speaker 3: I understand and validate that having those conversations is difficult,

1075
00:53:08,760 --> 00:53:10,719
Speaker 3: but at least it can give clarity and it can

1076
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:13,720
Speaker 3: also let the OPI know then how to move forward

1077
00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:17,560
Speaker 3: from here. Are her feelings valid? Of course, it's normal

1078
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:19,719
Speaker 3: to feel that way. I mean, to be dropped out

1079
00:53:19,760 --> 00:53:23,400
Speaker 3: of nowhere with no explanation can be very, very hurtful,

1080
00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:26,359
Speaker 3: So it's normal that she feels hurt, and it's not

1081
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:28,200
Speaker 3: fair to put all the pressure on her to try

1082
00:53:28,239 --> 00:53:30,600
Speaker 3: to fix it because it takes two to tango right.

1083
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:34,759
Speaker 3: So any relationship, whether it's romantic, friendship, family, it takes

1084
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,800
Speaker 3: two people, so he needs to also meet her halfway,

1085
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:41,200
Speaker 3: and doing that would entitle them having a conversation. Yeah,

1086
00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:43,040
Speaker 3: it shouldn't all just fall on her.

1087
00:53:43,440 --> 00:53:46,520
Speaker 2: Absolutely, And it seems like a lot of her family members,

1088
00:53:46,840 --> 00:53:49,400
Speaker 2: I mean, I don't know what they're saying to her stepdad. Yeah,

1089
00:53:49,440 --> 00:53:51,320
Speaker 2: but it seems like a lot of her family members

1090
00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:54,400
Speaker 2: have been putting this pressure on her. But there is

1091
00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:57,640
Speaker 2: an update. I'm giving a semi big update. I think.

1092
00:53:57,920 --> 00:53:59,560
Speaker 2: I don't think there's going to be another one after

1093
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:03,560
Speaker 2: this because I'm fully set. I read all of y'all's

1094
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:05,520
Speaker 2: comments and add a little glass of wine to think

1095
00:54:05,560 --> 00:54:08,480
Speaker 2: this over, and I'm putting my foot down. Basically, I

1096
00:54:08,560 --> 00:54:12,160
Speaker 2: contacted my brother and gave him an ultimatum he either

1097
00:54:12,520 --> 00:54:16,759
Speaker 2: breaks up with his girlfriend. Wait, what is this the

1098
00:54:16,800 --> 00:54:17,560
Speaker 2: same story?

1099
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 4: Yeah? I don't know.

1100
00:54:19,840 --> 00:54:22,719
Speaker 2: Maybe this is an update to like this person's other

1101
00:54:22,880 --> 00:54:27,919
Speaker 2: issues in their lives issue. This is a totally different thing.

1102
00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:30,640
Speaker 2: It's the same person. Yeah, I'm not gonna read that

1103
00:54:30,719 --> 00:54:33,960
Speaker 2: update actually because it's a totally different story. Uh that

1104
00:54:34,200 --> 00:54:36,560
Speaker 2: is going on in this person's life. That's so funny. Yeah,

1105
00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:39,440
Speaker 2: that update was about her brother. They just threw a

1106
00:54:40,040 --> 00:54:42,319
Speaker 2: character at the ye the like by the way, my

1107
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:47,600
Speaker 2: brother's girlfriend new character unlock. Yeah, she's the worst. I've

1108
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:51,200
Speaker 2: totally forgotten about my stepdad. But yeah, I guess, you know.

1109
00:54:51,280 --> 00:54:53,480
Speaker 2: Jumping off of that, I think that she needs to

1110
00:54:53,480 --> 00:54:56,080
Speaker 2: have that conversation with her stepdad if she's going to

1111
00:54:56,120 --> 00:54:56,920
Speaker 2: get anything.

1112
00:54:56,800 --> 00:54:58,920
Speaker 3: And that way too right, she can't decide how she

1113
00:54:58,920 --> 00:54:59,840
Speaker 3: wants to move forward.

1114
00:55:00,080 --> 00:55:01,319
Speaker 2: It could be that she gets the.

1115
00:55:01,280 --> 00:55:03,960
Speaker 3: Response she needs, it could be that she doesn't, but

1116
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:06,040
Speaker 3: that can just give her more clarity on how she

1117
00:55:06,080 --> 00:55:09,000
Speaker 3: wants to move forward. But it's definitely okay to set boundaries.

1118
00:55:09,239 --> 00:55:12,200
Speaker 3: It's okay to not always do what our family is

1119
00:55:12,239 --> 00:55:14,239
Speaker 3: wanting us to do because it's our life. We make

1120
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,279
Speaker 3: our own choices, right and at the end of the day,

1121
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:19,680
Speaker 3: the one who's feeling it all is her, not her family,

1122
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:22,360
Speaker 3: So it's okay for her to honor her feelings and

1123
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:23,640
Speaker 3: to do what's right for her.

1124
00:55:23,960 --> 00:55:27,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, op said, I only feel apathy to me.

1125
00:55:27,480 --> 00:55:30,719
Speaker 2: It seems like she is still very much feeling all

1126
00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:32,600
Speaker 2: that hurt because she can't even be in the same

1127
00:55:32,680 --> 00:55:36,920
Speaker 2: room exactly, so it's clear that that is still weighing

1128
00:55:37,400 --> 00:55:40,400
Speaker 2: heavily on her. Yes, so I think you know, regardless

1129
00:55:40,440 --> 00:55:42,560
Speaker 2: of what your parents or your family wants, kind of

1130
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:45,440
Speaker 2: ignore that. I think for you it might be helpful

1131
00:55:45,560 --> 00:55:47,920
Speaker 2: to have a conversation with him, just to get that

1132
00:55:48,000 --> 00:55:51,120
Speaker 2: clarity and peace of mind. Maybe, and after that you

1133
00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:53,399
Speaker 2: can be like, I don't want to have relationship with you.

1134
00:55:53,560 --> 00:55:56,399
Speaker 2: I don't you know, I need that separation. But yeah,

1135
00:55:56,400 --> 00:55:59,160
Speaker 2: I think you don't know anything until you ask. Yeah,

1136
00:55:59,560 --> 00:56:00,600
Speaker 2: And that's hard part.

1137
00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:03,560
Speaker 3: As human beings, it's our tendency to want to avoid

1138
00:56:03,640 --> 00:56:07,479
Speaker 3: something that's uncomfortable, right, So like validating that that none

1139
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:10,960
Speaker 3: of us like having those conversations, but unfortunately it is

1140
00:56:11,080 --> 00:56:15,520
Speaker 3: necessary to gain clarity to move forward, because conflict and

1141
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:18,800
Speaker 3: sometimes drifting apart can happen. But the only way to

1142
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:21,000
Speaker 3: kind of meet back in the middle is having that

1143
00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:24,520
Speaker 3: conversation saying, hey, like I noticed this and it made

1144
00:56:24,560 --> 00:56:28,000
Speaker 3: me feel really sad because I thought we were closer

1145
00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:30,920
Speaker 3: than that. Yeah, what happened? You know. It can be

1146
00:56:30,960 --> 00:56:31,920
Speaker 3: as simple as that.

1147
00:56:32,080 --> 00:56:35,759
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But that is the end of that story. Unless Kio,

1148
00:56:36,719 --> 00:56:40,560
Speaker 2: that is the end of that story. If anyone wants

1149
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:42,799
Speaker 2: to find out about that girlfriend, I'm sure it's on

1150
00:56:42,920 --> 00:56:46,799
Speaker 2: that page from that that user, But that is the

1151
00:56:46,920 --> 00:56:49,000
Speaker 2: end of that story and also the end of our

1152
00:56:49,040 --> 00:56:52,120
Speaker 2: time with Larra. Thank you so much for coming on.

1153
00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:54,480
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me. I hope it

1154
00:56:54,560 --> 00:56:59,400
Speaker 3: was you know, it was great and the audience is great.

1155
00:57:00,000 --> 00:57:03,120
Speaker 4: I know everyone at first is like, it's very intimidating. Yeah,

1156
00:57:03,160 --> 00:57:05,400
Speaker 4: like I'm nervous, and then you like just to you

1157
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:08,080
Speaker 4: to get very easy to do it and it's very welcome.

1158
00:57:08,760 --> 00:57:10,960
Speaker 3: Oh, thank you so much. Well, it was a pleasure.

1159
00:57:11,080 --> 00:57:12,600
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for inviting me.

1160
00:57:12,680 --> 00:57:14,880
Speaker 2: And if you want to give like one last you know,

1161
00:57:15,280 --> 00:57:17,160
Speaker 2: introduction of yourself, definitely.

1162
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:20,280
Speaker 3: Like I mentioned before, my name is Myra. I'm a

1163
00:57:20,320 --> 00:57:24,640
Speaker 3: licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Colorado, and

1164
00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:27,600
Speaker 3: if you're interesting and following along, you can follow me

1165
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:31,360
Speaker 3: on TikTok. My aunt is at the Los Angeles Therapist.

1166
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:34,080
Speaker 3: You can also find me on Instagram same at the

1167
00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:37,800
Speaker 3: Los Angeles Therapist. I post mental health content but also

1168
00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:40,360
Speaker 3: a little bit of beauty and wellness and lifestyle. So

1169
00:57:40,480 --> 00:57:43,400
Speaker 3: I look forward to meeting you on hopefully seeing you there.

1170
00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:44,440
Speaker 4: Amazing.

1171
00:57:44,760 --> 00:57:47,520
Speaker 2: Thank you so much, Thank you as well. But yeah,

1172
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:49,280
Speaker 2: that is the end of our time with Myra. Thank

1173
00:57:49,280 --> 00:57:51,680
Speaker 2: you so much for so much. Thank you everyone say

1174
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:53,040
Speaker 2: thank you in the chat, and I'm already I mean,

1175
00:57:53,080 --> 00:57:54,600
Speaker 2: I'm already saying thank yous.

1176
00:57:54,840 --> 00:57:56,000
Speaker 3: Awesome, thank you.

1177
00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:57,440
Speaker 2: Have a great rest of your dad.

1178
00:57:57,520 --> 00:57:58,120
Speaker 3: Thanks you too,