1 00:00:03,120 --> 00:00:10,039 Speaker 1: I'm Elliott Connie, and this is family Therapy. In today's session, 2 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,559 Speaker 1: you're going to hear from Elijah, who's just come back 3 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,600 Speaker 1: from spending the summer away working at a camp, and 4 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,480 Speaker 1: what he's realizing is that coming back isn't just about 5 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:23,920 Speaker 1: unpacking bags, it's about unpacking old dynamics. Early in the conversation, 6 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:27,280 Speaker 1: Eliza stated, I want to reconnect with the things we 7 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: talked about before, family, anger, and continuing to do the 8 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:36,880 Speaker 1: things I love without losing myself. As you listen, you'll 9 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,440 Speaker 1: hear themes that show up for a lot of people 10 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:44,520 Speaker 1: feeling anxious around family, struggling to be honest without creating conflict, 11 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,800 Speaker 1: and learning that being agreeable can sometimes come at the 12 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: cost of your own mental health. You'll also hear him 13 00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:55,640 Speaker 1: talk about cooking and writing and not just as hobbies 14 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:59,560 Speaker 1: who pass the time, but as therapy, as places where 15 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:04,520 Speaker 1: he feels calm, grounded, and more like himself. And you'll 16 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 1: hear how boundaries or the lack of them, begin to 17 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,920 Speaker 1: affect everything from family relationships, to work situations to a 18 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:17,119 Speaker 1: sense of adulthood. This session is really about learning how 19 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,920 Speaker 1: to be assertive without being angry, how to hold your 20 00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 1: ground without shutting down, and how to step into the 21 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: next version of yourself without asking for permission, finding what 22 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: feels right for you and making space for it. As 23 00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:36,000 Speaker 1: you listen, notice where you might recognize yourself in this conversation. 24 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:40,920 Speaker 1: Notice what comes up for you when the topic of boundaries, honesty, 25 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 1: and individuality enters the room. So what are your from 26 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:48,919 Speaker 1: talking with me today? 27 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:52,040 Speaker 2: I'm mostly just reconnecting with stuff that we had talked 28 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:56,880 Speaker 2: about before. But then I remember you were encouraging me 29 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:02,000 Speaker 2: to continue doing the things that I like to do, 30 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:04,600 Speaker 2: the things that give me like passion, the things I'm 31 00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:09,680 Speaker 2: passionate about, and finding ways to adapt so I can 32 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:11,880 Speaker 2: continue do those things without losing them. 33 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,880 Speaker 1: Right, So what are the things that you love doing 34 00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:15,560 Speaker 1: that you think you need to continue doing? 35 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 2: Writing and cooking? 36 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,600 Speaker 1: Okay, what difference do you think it would make for you, Eliza, 37 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 1: to be able to continue cooking and writing and those things. 38 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,560 Speaker 2: I would feel a lot healthier. I think that writing 39 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:33,120 Speaker 2: itself is my own form of therapy. So I think 40 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,280 Speaker 2: is I gained a lot. I gained like five to 41 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:38,280 Speaker 2: seven pounds when I was at the camp because I 42 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:42,239 Speaker 2: was constantly eating, and honestly, when I just got back here. 43 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:45,800 Speaker 2: I lost practically all of that because I'm not eating 44 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:50,920 Speaker 2: as much anymore, and it's like just do how things 45 00:02:50,919 --> 00:02:55,240 Speaker 2: are over here? And I want that to like, you know, Okay, what. 46 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,720 Speaker 1: Are the differences do you think you'll notice when you're 47 00:02:58,760 --> 00:02:59,560 Speaker 1: cooking and writing? 48 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,799 Speaker 2: I think I'm being more truthful and honest. Like I'm 49 00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:09,560 Speaker 2: writing in itself is its own form of reflection. And 50 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,200 Speaker 2: though no one's really stopping me from writing, it's also 51 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:15,800 Speaker 2: like more of my I'm stopping myself. No, I'm stopping 52 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:18,880 Speaker 2: myself from writing because I'm not taking the necessary steps 53 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 2: in order to like actually get out there and put 54 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,200 Speaker 2: more energy into things that are like healthy for me 55 00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 2: instead of just you know, sitting at home and watching 56 00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:32,840 Speaker 2: TV or doing nothing in particular. 57 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,120 Speaker 1: And what do you want to see different in your 58 00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,840 Speaker 1: relationship with your family now that you're home. 59 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:46,120 Speaker 2: I think respect, But honestly, if I expect if I 60 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 2: want respect from my family, I honestly need to like 61 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:53,800 Speaker 2: look within myself and start making certain changes in order 62 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,720 Speaker 2: to have that respect. 63 00:03:57,040 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: What changes do you think you need to make in 64 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: order for you to be able to have that respect? 65 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:12,840 Speaker 2: Honesty, a responsibility, doing things that are necessary instead of easy. 66 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 1: Can you give me an example of you being more honest? 67 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 2: I think I have a lot of issues of conflicts 68 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 2: with my stepmom, and she's honestly, like the main reason 69 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,400 Speaker 2: why I just don't eat as much because she I 70 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 2: think I said this before, but I have to go 71 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,600 Speaker 2: over to her place to eat in order to make 72 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:38,280 Speaker 2: something to eat. And honestly, just like she makes me 73 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:42,360 Speaker 2: uncomfortable because she can be demanding at times, bit controlling, 74 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:49,799 Speaker 2: and oftentimes I just I don't like being around her 75 00:04:50,279 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 2: in those situations, Like it's fine for me, it's not fine, 76 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,839 Speaker 2: but I can deal with it. If it's about school, 77 00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,479 Speaker 2: I can deal. If it's about social like me not 78 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 2: going out enough, I could deal with it. If it's 79 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 2: about me not spending money in the way she likes, 80 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,760 Speaker 2: I can do. I can deal with it in all 81 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:10,159 Speaker 2: those ways. But if it's about cooking, then it's just 82 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,720 Speaker 2: like it's a big issue for me, and it's like 83 00:05:12,839 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 2: and then like I just stay at home and I 84 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,080 Speaker 2: don't eat and I just loose way. 85 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,000 Speaker 1: You COOKA what is it about cooking that makes it 86 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 1: such a big deal with your stumball, I. 87 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:26,440 Speaker 2: Guess cooking like it's like I really like to relax 88 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,120 Speaker 2: when I'm cooking, Like it's more of like cooking is 89 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,960 Speaker 2: like very it's not only therapeutic, it's like very much 90 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:37,160 Speaker 2: like a plate for me. Because when I'm cooking and 91 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:40,600 Speaker 2: I find something interesting to make and I'm testing it 92 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,280 Speaker 2: out and I see your results and I'm excited by results, 93 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:49,040 Speaker 2: like it, it's something that I genuinely enjoy. But if 94 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:52,280 Speaker 2: someone is in that environment and they're like saying, oh, 95 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:54,960 Speaker 2: you have to be out by a certain time, or 96 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:59,039 Speaker 2: I'm using too much materials, or that I bought too much, 97 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,960 Speaker 2: it generally just like and that or I like I 98 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 2: have to be out by a certain time, Like it 99 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 2: just makes me like really uncomfortable, and I don't want 100 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,560 Speaker 2: to be around you, because that's the case. Thank you, 101 00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:14,520 Speaker 2: my step mom. I think honesty and also like just 102 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:17,279 Speaker 2: also not just honestly, but also it's not stubbornness, but 103 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:25,599 Speaker 2: it's also uh intentionality but maybe a bit forcefulness because 104 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 2: if I were honest at times, I say this her 105 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 2: all the time, but I need to be more intentional 106 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 2: with my honesty and say like I don't want to 107 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:40,280 Speaker 2: do this anymore. For instance, I tell her sometimes there 108 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,120 Speaker 2: was one point at a time I asked, could I 109 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:46,080 Speaker 2: cook at my place? And they said no, And there's 110 00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 2: no kitchen, there's no mini airfire, there's no electric stove 111 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:53,400 Speaker 2: I can purchase. They don't want me that Specifically, my 112 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:58,240 Speaker 2: step mom doesn't want me cooking over there. And she's 113 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:00,719 Speaker 2: saying that the road ten depends because she really wants 114 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,960 Speaker 2: me to be independent, because oftentimes she cares so much 115 00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:09,279 Speaker 2: about my well being and about my future that it 116 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:14,800 Speaker 2: comes out as like being very demeaning or like oft 117 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:19,400 Speaker 2: or I'm not enough for her standards, and we both 118 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:23,560 Speaker 2: acknowledge that, we both realize that. But it's like I 119 00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 2: think at times I just need to put my foot 120 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:28,760 Speaker 2: down and say no, I do not want to cook here. 121 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 2: I do not want to be around you if I 122 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 2: have to do when I do that, and I'll just say, 123 00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 2: like yo, like if if it's the choice between like 124 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:48,120 Speaker 2: not eating at home, feeling longer at home, or coming 125 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 2: over here and cooking with you, I rather choose being 126 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,520 Speaker 2: at home too, And I'm just saying, like she now 127 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,360 Speaker 2: says that I could have an airfire, but she doesn't 128 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: want me to, like she wants me to use it 129 00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,640 Speaker 2: in limited amounts and instead just cook over like I said, 130 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 2: coke over there. I'm just saying, no, I don't want 131 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 2: to do that. I do not want to be around 132 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 2: you when I'm cooking. 133 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:14,120 Speaker 1: How surprised would she be to hear you say that, 134 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,960 Speaker 1: to hear you, to hear you say like, no, I 135 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:20,120 Speaker 1: don't want to do this. I don't enjoy doing this. 136 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: I'd rather be at home and miss a meal than 137 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,800 Speaker 1: come over here and cook. How surprised would she be 138 00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:26,600 Speaker 1: to hear that from out of your mouth. 139 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,960 Speaker 2: I don't think she wouldn't be surprised at all, because 140 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,080 Speaker 2: there was at one point where I asked her, like, hey, 141 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:36,040 Speaker 2: I work with kids twenty hours a week, and I 142 00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 2: see you probably less than three hours during the week. 143 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 2: Why is it that the kids I work with make 144 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 2: me less annoyed than you do. 145 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,679 Speaker 1: What difference would it make to you for you to 146 00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,479 Speaker 1: notice yourself being that honest with your stepmom. 147 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:58,200 Speaker 2: I think it's like me. It's me holding my ground 148 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,280 Speaker 2: and my ideals, and I think I have yet to 149 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:05,520 Speaker 2: really do that. In other cases, there are points where 150 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 2: I'm not being assertive enough, or I'm being too meek. 151 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:14,720 Speaker 2: I don't like confrontation because I've seen it so many 152 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 2: times in my family's history. I don't like getting angry, 153 00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:21,720 Speaker 2: and I'm good at controlling my anger, but it's very 154 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 2: easy for me to come angry. But if I find 155 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:34,280 Speaker 2: the strength to wield my anger in a way that's 156 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:38,079 Speaker 2: more positive, I feel like, then I just took this 157 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,280 Speaker 2: next step of my growth as an adult. Basically, gotcha? 158 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,839 Speaker 1: And whatsole to make for you to feel like you're 159 00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,960 Speaker 1: taking another step in your growth as an adult? 160 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,720 Speaker 2: If I put my foot down and said no, I 161 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:49,280 Speaker 2: don't want to. 162 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 3: It's either between just being honest and saying if you 163 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:56,600 Speaker 3: said I can get the airfire, I'm getting the air fired, 164 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,360 Speaker 3: and once I get that, I'm cooking over there here. 165 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,120 Speaker 1: And would you be pleased with yourself for taking that 166 00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: step as an adult? 167 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:05,080 Speaker 2: Yes? 168 00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:10,120 Speaker 1: How would you respond, Like, let's say you got the 169 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,160 Speaker 1: air fryer and you were like, look, I'm cooking over 170 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,320 Speaker 1: here as much as I want. I'm an adult. I 171 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,400 Speaker 1: want to make food in this airfryer and cook for me. 172 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:19,560 Speaker 1: How would you respond if she got angry, like if that, 173 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,680 Speaker 1: if that upset her, how would you respond to that? 174 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,920 Speaker 2: I would say, I understand if that's not what you want, 175 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:31,240 Speaker 2: I understand, Like I understand your reasonings for you wanting 176 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,080 Speaker 2: me to cook here. You have a perception of independence 177 00:10:34,559 --> 00:10:36,800 Speaker 2: that you want from me so that I could take 178 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,760 Speaker 2: the necessary steps to walk out of here and be 179 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,600 Speaker 2: good on my own and have the life that you 180 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 2: see the potential for me to have. But at the 181 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:50,040 Speaker 2: same time, it's my own path. That's my own path. 182 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:54,320 Speaker 2: I'm going to walk it as I like, and you 183 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,880 Speaker 2: can sit here and talk as much as you want, 184 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,760 Speaker 2: but when it comes down to it, I'm just going 185 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,000 Speaker 2: to do do what I want to do. I'm going 186 00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:04,600 Speaker 2: to ignore you because, like I said, I find it 187 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:11,960 Speaker 2: to be sad that I am choosing between not eating 188 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:16,080 Speaker 2: and coming over to I prefer not eating to coming 189 00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:16,559 Speaker 2: over here. 190 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: And what you just demonstrated, Elijah is a very mature, 191 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:30,600 Speaker 1: a very adult skill, which is how would be assertive 192 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,960 Speaker 1: without being angry? How would it help you to have 193 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:35,480 Speaker 1: that skill? 194 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:38,600 Speaker 2: I think it would help me a lot. I actually 195 00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:40,760 Speaker 2: had a quite a bit of issues with some of 196 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:44,600 Speaker 2: my co workers because there was this girl and I'm 197 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 2: starting to notice, like I don't like to say this, 198 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,280 Speaker 2: I feel it's kind of sad, but I have more 199 00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 2: issues with girls than I have with guys, and I 200 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,040 Speaker 2: have no idea why. 201 00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: You're not alone in that. 202 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,959 Speaker 2: Again, the more conflicts with women than I do with guys. 203 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,680 Speaker 2: And I just like this girl. I could tell that 204 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:06,360 Speaker 2: she's nice, and I said this there. I could tell 205 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,000 Speaker 2: that she's a nice person, but she just has things 206 00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:12,520 Speaker 2: about her that she does not like handle or has 207 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 2: not dealt with well. And so I'm dealing with the 208 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:19,800 Speaker 2: consequences of those actions. And like, there were times where 209 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,360 Speaker 2: she's like being a real jerk to me, like making 210 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,400 Speaker 2: snide remarks in front of other people about me in 211 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:31,960 Speaker 2: front of me, being passive aggressive. There was one point 212 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,280 Speaker 2: where I locked myself out of the like I taught photography, 213 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,319 Speaker 2: so I lost my keys and I thought they were 214 00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:39,920 Speaker 2: in the photographer er, but I locked myself out, and 215 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,600 Speaker 2: so I had to ask for this woman's keys. And 216 00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,600 Speaker 2: when I went over there, there was a bunch of issues. 217 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,559 Speaker 2: She wasn't waiting for me outside, which makes a bit 218 00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,000 Speaker 2: of a sense. It was nighttime too. I thought she 219 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,319 Speaker 2: was gonna wait for me outside for me to give 220 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,960 Speaker 2: the keys. She didn't. There was no lights on the porch, 221 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 2: and I could not find out where the bunk was 222 00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:59,920 Speaker 2: until I had to ask other people and go up 223 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,240 Speaker 2: onto the porch to look at the sign directly. This 224 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 2: is the girl's side of the camp, and so we're 225 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 2: technically not really supposed to be over there the boys, 226 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 2: but this is a proper like, this is a fine excuse. 227 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:16,040 Speaker 2: And when I literally sat on the porch waiting for 228 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,840 Speaker 2: her to come out for like two minutes, she came 229 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,040 Speaker 2: out with an attitude, saying that I had to get 230 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,440 Speaker 2: off the porch before she can give me the keys. 231 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:24,840 Speaker 1: How did you address that? 232 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,320 Speaker 2: I didn't. I was so mad, but then I just 233 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:31,200 Speaker 2: walked off because when I'm mad, I shut down like 234 00:13:31,280 --> 00:13:37,520 Speaker 2: I because I don't know how to correctly talk about 235 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:42,000 Speaker 2: my anger, and I fear that I'm going to like 236 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,079 Speaker 2: lose control and say something that I'm going to regret. 237 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,200 Speaker 2: The need to put my own thoughts and feelings above 238 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 2: other people, because oftentimes I'll try to prioritize other people's 239 00:13:56,679 --> 00:13:59,920 Speaker 2: feelings over my own, and a lot of people please, 240 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,600 Speaker 2: but it's just I know what it's like to be hurt, 241 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 2: so I don't necessarily I don't like being the one 242 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:12,400 Speaker 2: tart of the people. But at the same time, I 243 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 2: don't need to. If I don't need to, what's it 244 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:21,960 Speaker 2: called if I'm if I'm hurting, if I'm allowing, if 245 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:25,240 Speaker 2: I'm doing that at the expense of my own mental health, 246 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,520 Speaker 2: that's to me. I've found that to be unacceptable at 247 00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:28,840 Speaker 2: this point. 248 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,000 Speaker 1: Yeah, no, you could definitely not be sacrificing your own 249 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 1: mental health. So how would you rather handle some poises 250 00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 1: like that so that you're being honest with yourself and 251 00:14:38,080 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 1: not sacrificing your mental health? 252 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:45,600 Speaker 2: I think being stern at points, like like being able 253 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 2: to cut people off. There's this other girl that I'm 254 00:14:52,040 --> 00:14:53,840 Speaker 2: trying not to be that guy, but like, I have 255 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,200 Speaker 2: a lot of insists where like I like really value 256 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 2: like women, Like some of my strongest relationships are women, 257 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:01,400 Speaker 2: but at the same time, the most hurtful ones are 258 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,280 Speaker 2: also with Women's all right, so what do we do 259 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 2: with that? I think part of the issue is that 260 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:11,800 Speaker 2: I just let things slide too much. I can be 261 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:19,160 Speaker 2: all these things like kind, supportive, affectionate, but there is 262 00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 2: a point where I just have to be no, this 263 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,120 Speaker 2: is how it's going to go, and not it's going 264 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 2: to go with you, but it's going to go with me. 265 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,320 Speaker 2: I have to be able to have some sense of 266 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:36,840 Speaker 2: power within the dynamic. Within the dynamic, like an unchanging 267 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,320 Speaker 2: amount of power because I'm there are instances where I'm 268 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:47,360 Speaker 2: arguing with a girl or a woman and she is 269 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:51,480 Speaker 2: cutting me off or being rude. At that point, I 270 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,120 Speaker 2: could just say, and this is with guys and girls, 271 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 2: but this is like, this is just how I am. 272 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,160 Speaker 2: I just say, no, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm 273 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,400 Speaker 2: not doing this anymore, and just walk away. 274 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,720 Speaker 1: How would that help you to learn? 275 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:06,640 Speaker 2: I think it would just helped me in a lot 276 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 2: of instances because it would just make it so that, 277 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:15,320 Speaker 2: like in any instance, male or female, that I am 278 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:19,880 Speaker 2: not I am sacrificing something that I need for someone else. 279 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,600 Speaker 2: I am not doing that anymore. 280 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,200 Speaker 1: The conversation doesn't stop here. You will be right back 281 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:39,640 Speaker 1: with more from this session. Here's more from my session 282 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,440 Speaker 1: with Elijah. What do you think it is about your 283 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:47,600 Speaker 1: dynamic with women that produces some conflict. 284 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,040 Speaker 2: I think one of the things is that I hide 285 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:57,360 Speaker 2: my emotions out of fear of rejection, especially in terms 286 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,480 Speaker 2: of authority, out of fear of rejection, at a fear 287 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:05,640 Speaker 2: of punishment, at a fear of basically, like what's it called, 288 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:11,040 Speaker 2: I shut down. I don't talk about my emotions or thoughts, 289 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:17,479 Speaker 2: and that creates a push and pull dynamic that is 290 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:21,600 Speaker 2: frustrating to both sides. So that's my issue that I 291 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 2: put into the dynamic. And then at the same time, 292 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:30,639 Speaker 2: I don't put my foot down when it needs to 293 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:35,240 Speaker 2: be done. So yeah, I think those are the two 294 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 2: main issues. I think that in a lot of instances, 295 00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:42,760 Speaker 2: issues where I had with women are specifically because I'm 296 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:49,200 Speaker 2: not talking enough. I'm not talking enough and I am 297 00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:55,600 Speaker 2: not drawing that line too. And what I mean by talking, 298 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,000 Speaker 2: I don't also just mean like hey, I also mean 299 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 2: listening and processing, because there are times where I'm so 300 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:07,080 Speaker 2: angry that I can't hear what the other person is saying, 301 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:11,600 Speaker 2: and that I become a rational and in a situation 302 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,000 Speaker 2: where like a push and pull dynamic, that that's not 303 00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 2: good for anyone. So yeah, I think being more honest 304 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:27,680 Speaker 2: and open with the person I'm around, as well as 305 00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:34,240 Speaker 2: knowing when to like have those boundaries is what's important 306 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:35,120 Speaker 2: what I need to do. 307 00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,359 Speaker 1: Where do you think you picked up the habit of 308 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:42,760 Speaker 1: being quiet, being afraid of rejection, having that fear, Like, 309 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,320 Speaker 1: where do you think that came from? 310 00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 2: I think it just came from being around people were 311 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:53,159 Speaker 2: like angry and just left and just slammed the door 312 00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 2: in my face like people telling me, like and oftentimes 313 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 2: like people telling or showing me that that I'm not 314 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:10,360 Speaker 2: enough or that there's something wrong with me, or that 315 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,200 Speaker 2: there is something that I need to fix, or showing 316 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:19,159 Speaker 2: their anger towards me made me want to avoid it. 317 00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:24,000 Speaker 2: And at the same time, I just realized that's not 318 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:26,520 Speaker 2: Before I would say I don't care what people think 319 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:30,000 Speaker 2: to me, or or I think certain things are stupid 320 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:37,359 Speaker 2: or that they're illogical. I would try to downplay the 321 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,199 Speaker 2: what's it called, I would try to downplay everything in 322 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 2: order to keep myself safe. But then I realized how 323 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 2: faulty that was, and so now I'm just thinking about 324 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 2: it and said so instead of downplaying it, instead of 325 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:57,320 Speaker 2: saying I don't care, My my mentality is why should 326 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 2: I be concerned? Different because it's a bit of me 327 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,200 Speaker 2: for me. Why should I be concerned? Is me being 328 00:20:07,359 --> 00:20:11,400 Speaker 2: open to the possibility of, like, oh, my mind being changed. 329 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,639 Speaker 2: Saying I don't care is automatically shitting it down by 330 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:18,040 Speaker 2: saying why that is begging the question. And if I 331 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,879 Speaker 2: personally like the answer, then okay, I'm open to it. 332 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,159 Speaker 2: But if not, then I have every right to not 333 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,760 Speaker 2: give that person my time or energy or give that 334 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:28,919 Speaker 2: idea my time or energy. 335 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:31,760 Speaker 1: Do you think anybody other than your stepmom are going 336 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,440 Speaker 1: to notice this kind of more honest and more truthful 337 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,600 Speaker 1: and more communicative version of you. 338 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 2: Not really, I'm mostly a pretty quiet guy. But so 339 00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:47,920 Speaker 2: if I like change that to like where I'm more 340 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:53,320 Speaker 2: open and expressive or in other cases just blunt, I 341 00:20:53,359 --> 00:20:54,960 Speaker 2: think a lot of people will just recognize that. 342 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,560 Speaker 1: What do you think that would do to your relationship 343 00:20:58,600 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 1: with other women? 344 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,960 Speaker 2: I think in other instances, like you know, I've never 345 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,800 Speaker 2: really been in a relationship, I don't really have any 346 00:21:06,880 --> 00:21:11,479 Speaker 2: concerns about being in a relationship right now. But I 347 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,800 Speaker 2: think being able to be open and expressive well at 348 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,160 Speaker 2: the same time having being able to draw those clear 349 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,399 Speaker 2: lines and boundaries, I think it just gives me the 350 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:33,160 Speaker 2: opportunity to make friends, to walk alongside people as who 351 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:40,000 Speaker 2: I am, despite any chaos that might happen. Because something 352 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,840 Speaker 2: that I did learn during the camp that I'm grateful 353 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,000 Speaker 2: for is that this phrase is like it's you're like 354 00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 2: a You're like a duck. What's it called? Oh no, 355 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,679 Speaker 2: you're like a seabird in the ocean, Like heavy waves 356 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 2: around you, but like you're calmly paddling. 357 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,880 Speaker 1: And you want to be like that. Yeah, that's true. 358 00:22:00,080 --> 00:22:01,560 Speaker 1: What do you think that would do to your desire 359 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:02,680 Speaker 1: to be in a relationship? 360 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:08,199 Speaker 2: I mean, I want to be in a relationship, but 361 00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 2: at the same time, I just know that I'm not 362 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:11,560 Speaker 2: ready for that. 363 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:17,080 Speaker 1: Would you be ready if this were to start to change? 364 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,879 Speaker 2: I don't think anyone's necessarily ready to be around people. 365 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 2: But I think the question is whether or not you're 366 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:30,720 Speaker 2: ready and whether not you're confident to take that first step. 367 00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 1: Right, do you imagine you'd be confident to take that 368 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:34,080 Speaker 1: first step? 369 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:35,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? I think so. 370 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,359 Speaker 1: Would you be pleased by that? 371 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:39,560 Speaker 2: Yeah? 372 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,880 Speaker 1: And you talked about your step mom? But what would 373 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,400 Speaker 1: your mom think of this new version of Elijah? 374 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:51,119 Speaker 2: She would be happier too. She has I think instances 375 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,399 Speaker 2: like where we had issues. It's the same thing. I 376 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 2: wasn't open enough, I wasn't honest enough, and I didn't 377 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,320 Speaker 2: draw any lines. 378 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:05,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, so you being because you being open, you being honest? 379 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,159 Speaker 1: You think mom would be happy? 380 00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:08,600 Speaker 2: Yeah? 381 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:09,560 Speaker 1: How would she show you that? 382 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,199 Speaker 2: But how would she show me that I have no 383 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:13,720 Speaker 2: car alive? 384 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 1: That's not what I said you to say? Oh, I've 385 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,919 Speaker 1: noticed the change in you, and I'm pleased to have 386 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:21,280 Speaker 1: seen it. 387 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:24,920 Speaker 2: I probably think she would just sit it up front 388 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:25,800 Speaker 2: and give me a hug. 389 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,400 Speaker 1: Would you consider that a good thing? 390 00:23:28,359 --> 00:23:30,879 Speaker 2: Mm hmm okay, yeah. 391 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,040 Speaker 1: How would you let her know that you were pleased 392 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,600 Speaker 1: to be getting this hug from her? 393 00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,439 Speaker 2: I'd be really good. I feel I would feel really good. 394 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:43,159 Speaker 2: How would you let her go just be I'd probably 395 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,920 Speaker 2: just be not nonchalant, but like I wouldn't be super 396 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,560 Speaker 2: like joyful. I would just be like thank you and 397 00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:54,040 Speaker 2: just give her back time, like give back the embrace. 398 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,399 Speaker 2: I would just like to feel at peace knowing that 399 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:02,639 Speaker 2: I have a certain boundary. I think that's more important 400 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:03,720 Speaker 2: to me than anything else. 401 00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,639 Speaker 1: How would your mom respond to your boundaries? 402 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,960 Speaker 2: I think in most cases she would respond with respect. 403 00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 2: Would you? 404 00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,879 Speaker 1: And you started off by saying like, I want to 405 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,399 Speaker 1: get respect for my family. Would it feel good to 406 00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 1: you to be getting respect from them because you were 407 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,640 Speaker 1: being more communicative, to being more honest and giving them boundaries. 408 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:27,639 Speaker 1: Would you be pleased to be getting respect? 409 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:33,760 Speaker 2: Yeah? I think they do respect me. It's not that 410 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:37,040 Speaker 2: they don't, but it's more of just like I need 411 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,200 Speaker 2: to feel strong within my own boundaries because I don't 412 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 2: necessarily know what I feel, but it's that. But for me, 413 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:51,159 Speaker 2: I feel very unsure or unstable within my own mind 414 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:56,520 Speaker 2: when I'm around my family. Henceforth, I think what I'm 415 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:02,240 Speaker 2: looking for is like that stability. Yeah, respect wasn't the 416 00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:02,800 Speaker 2: right world. 417 00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:06,399 Speaker 1: You feel unsure around your family? 418 00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:12,159 Speaker 2: What else? I feel unstable around my family? And yeah 419 00:25:12,359 --> 00:25:19,960 Speaker 2: in my mind? In my mind like I feel anxious, nervous, confused. 420 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,400 Speaker 1: Why I don't feel i'd rather feel around your family. 421 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,959 Speaker 2: There are moments where I feel I should do something 422 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:32,880 Speaker 2: because it's expected of me by other people. But at 423 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:38,400 Speaker 2: the same time, I don't have to do those things. 424 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:41,439 Speaker 2: I don't need to be polite, I don't need to 425 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:46,320 Speaker 2: be kind, I don't need to be what's it called formal. 426 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,040 Speaker 2: I can be those things if I want to, but 427 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:54,560 Speaker 2: not because they're expected of me anymore, at least I'm not. 428 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:55,919 Speaker 2: I'm not twelve. 429 00:25:56,200 --> 00:26:00,399 Speaker 1: Exactly exactly what different would it make for you? Allows 430 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,119 Speaker 1: you to be at peace around your family? 431 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,800 Speaker 2: Not as much chaos in my head? 432 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,440 Speaker 1: What would be there in your head instead of chaos? 433 00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:14,359 Speaker 2: Just stillness? Like I'm acting like myself because that is 434 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:17,360 Speaker 2: how I want to act not because other people expect 435 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,679 Speaker 2: me to be a certain way. 436 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:25,639 Speaker 1: Okay, how would and let's say you were doing that, 437 00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:31,000 Speaker 1: you were acting like yourself, giving boundaries, being honest, communicating 438 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:34,920 Speaker 1: your truth. And let's say somebody didn't like it. How 439 00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,320 Speaker 1: would you stick to it because you know it's good 440 00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:37,639 Speaker 1: for you? 441 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:41,119 Speaker 2: I would say what I said before, You don't have 442 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,000 Speaker 2: to like it. But why should that concern me? 443 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,240 Speaker 1: How different would that be for you to have that stance, Elija? 444 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 2: I think it would make me feel actually strong or powerful, 445 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:57,080 Speaker 2: like I my opinions or my ideals within a situation, 446 00:26:57,280 --> 00:27:01,680 Speaker 2: Like I actually have some semblance of power in a situation. 447 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,439 Speaker 1: Gotcha? And that would be new for you, Right, that 448 00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:10,080 Speaker 1: would be different. Elijah? Are you ready to like put 449 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:12,119 Speaker 1: this into action and like practice doing this? 450 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:13,639 Speaker 2: Yes? 451 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:18,480 Speaker 1: Because you said something and I think is the most 452 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:21,600 Speaker 1: important thing. I feel like I'm doing it because it's 453 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:25,000 Speaker 1: expected of me, and sometimes it's at the sacrifice of 454 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:25,879 Speaker 1: my mental health. 455 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:27,359 Speaker 4: Right. 456 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,080 Speaker 1: So if you learn to be your true, authentic self 457 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,639 Speaker 1: and let everyone if they get upset, they get upset, 458 00:27:35,720 --> 00:27:39,200 Speaker 1: that's like the ultimate of being strong and powerful and 459 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:44,200 Speaker 1: being an adult. Right, you'd agree with that? So, Elijah, 460 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,760 Speaker 1: what I want to ask you to do is I 461 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:49,480 Speaker 1: want you to behave like that, like start putting that 462 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:55,720 Speaker 1: into action, and just notice how other people respond, because 463 00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,480 Speaker 1: they're gonna have a response to it. I don't know 464 00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:01,879 Speaker 1: what it'll be, but like your stepmom, your mom, family members, like, 465 00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: people have a response to it, and I want you 466 00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:07,240 Speaker 1: to pay attention to help people respond. And I also 467 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,159 Speaker 1: want you to pay attention to how much peace it 468 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 1: gives you to no longer be behaving in a way 469 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:18,200 Speaker 1: to prioritize other people other than yourself. Pay really field 470 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:19,600 Speaker 1: attention to your level of peace. 471 00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:22,639 Speaker 2: I'll do it as many times as it takes for 472 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:23,200 Speaker 2: it to stick. 473 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 1: Awesome, Thank you sir. 474 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:28,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, I also still need to get back onto like 475 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,560 Speaker 2: writing too, and cooking. 476 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,639 Speaker 1: And cooking in order for us to be happy, we 477 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:37,320 Speaker 1: have to do the things that make us happy and 478 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:39,959 Speaker 1: not do the things that make us unhappy. And for 479 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 1: whatever reason, Elijah, cooking and writing are two things that 480 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,840 Speaker 1: really fill you up, so you absolutely have to get 481 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:49,000 Speaker 1: to doing those things. 482 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:53,400 Speaker 2: When's the next session that we'll have? 483 00:28:53,680 --> 00:28:58,200 Speaker 1: Is it tomorrow or we can meet whenever you want? 484 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:02,080 Speaker 2: Gotcha? Do you mind if I would like to say 485 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,360 Speaker 2: a poem I've been working on about some of this stuff. 486 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: No, I would like to just right. Do you want 487 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,200 Speaker 1: to do that in their next session? 488 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:11,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, that'd be cool. 489 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:12,960 Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear your poem. 490 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:14,480 Speaker 2: Thank you. Yeah, it'll be fun. 491 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,880 Speaker 1: What this conversation shows us is that boundaries aren't about control, 492 00:29:19,200 --> 00:29:23,600 Speaker 1: they're about clarity. Throughout the session, we heard how staying quiet, 493 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:29,920 Speaker 1: avoiding confrontation, and trying to meet expectations didn't actually create peace. Instead, 494 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:34,720 Speaker 1: it created anxiety, confusion, and a feeling of instability, especially 495 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:38,840 Speaker 1: around family and authority figures. One of the most important 496 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 1: differentiations Elijah pointed out was between I don't care versus 497 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:49,360 Speaker 1: why should that concern me? That question opens space for choice. 498 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: It allows you to listen, to decide, and to protect 499 00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:56,880 Speaker 1: your mental health without shutting yourself down or lashing out. 500 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:03,280 Speaker 1: Being assertive does doesn't mean being aggressive. Being honest doesn't 501 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:07,280 Speaker 1: mean being disrespectful, even though sometimes that's the only way 502 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: it's interpreted. Choosing yourself doesn't mean you don't care about others. 503 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 1: It means you're no longer sacrificing your well being to 504 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,000 Speaker 1: keep the peace. If you're listening and you recognize that 505 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,520 Speaker 1: feeling of chaos in your head when you're around certain people. 506 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 1: This session offers a reminder peace comes from being aligned 507 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:32,720 Speaker 1: with yourself, from communicating clearly, from honoring your limits even 508 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: when others don't like them. As you move forward, pay 509 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:39,640 Speaker 1: attention to how it feels when you stop doing things 510 00:30:39,840 --> 00:30:42,880 Speaker 1: just because they're expected of you and start doing them 511 00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 1: because they're right for you. I will end with a 512 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:49,400 Speaker 1: few questions, as we always do, take a moment, write 513 00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:52,080 Speaker 1: them down, return to them at a later time if 514 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:56,760 Speaker 1: need be. Remember the questions we ask ourselves are important. 515 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,840 Speaker 1: Where am I avoiding honest to keep things from getting uncomfortable? 516 00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:12,680 Speaker 1: What boundaries do I need in order to feel calm 517 00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:24,440 Speaker 1: and stable? Am I prioritizing other people's expectations and comforts 518 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:34,160 Speaker 1: over my own mental health? How do I usually respond 519 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:39,040 Speaker 1: to conflict? Do I shut down, explode, disappear? And if so, 520 00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:49,440 Speaker 1: has that worked? What would it look like to be 521 00:31:49,480 --> 00:32:01,520 Speaker 1: assertive without being angry? If someone does doesn't like my boundaries, 522 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:04,160 Speaker 1: why should that concern me? 523 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:31,040 Speaker 4: Thanks for listening, See you next week. 524 00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:34,640 Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey, 525 00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:37,840 Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a 526 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,720 Speaker 1: DM Connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and 527 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 1: you can also send me a text message to nine 528 00:32:42,840 --> 00:32:46,400 Speaker 1: seventy two four two six two six four zero. Family 529 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:49,800 Speaker 1: Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect 530 00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,400 Speaker 1: Podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant Glendell Seppe. It's 531 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 1: produced by jack Quee Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. Fisher. 532 00:32:58,520 --> 00:33:01,840 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from the Black Infect visit the iHeartRadio 533 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:05,400 Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The 534 00:33:05,440 --> 00:33:08,320 Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for 535 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,240 Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a 536 00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:14,160 Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does 537 00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to 538 00:33:17,440 --> 00:33:20,120 Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team or any 539 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,000 Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have.