WEBVTT - Why Didn't You Get the Blueberries? 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:05.120 This is How Men Think? And Gavin de grab and 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:10.080 I heard radio podcast. Welcome to another episode of How 0:00:10.160 --> 0:00:13.440 Men Think. My name is Brooks Like and I'm super 0:00:13.440 --> 0:00:15.360 excited to get back into this one because if you 0:00:15.480 --> 0:00:19.600 listened last week, we had one of the most polarizing, 0:00:20.320 --> 0:00:24.000 most incredible debates, most intensity in the studio last week 0:00:24.040 --> 0:00:27.600 with Boris and back with us again is Eve Rodsky 0:00:27.640 --> 0:00:31.200 to discuss her new book, fair Play. And it's a 0:00:31.280 --> 0:00:33.360 hot topic. It's a hot button issue we're gonna get 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:36.040 into today. Carry on from last week. It's about the 0:00:36.240 --> 0:00:41.520 roles in the household and specifically the sharing of roles 0:00:41.560 --> 0:00:45.960 between men and women. And my buddy gave here is 0:00:46.120 --> 0:00:49.280 still fired up about this, and I wish this was 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:51.640 on TV because he's kicking back, he's got his arms crossed, 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:54.320 he's shaking his head, and you're thinking, why does anybody 0:00:54.320 --> 0:00:56.640 want to get married? No, I'm thinking, how I mean 0:00:58.000 --> 0:01:00.200 when I hear all these all I seem to year 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:05.120 are problems. You know, you know that everybody's just complaining 0:01:05.160 --> 0:01:09.759 about each other and and and it's it's it's almost 0:01:09.800 --> 0:01:13.080 like people are looking for silver silver linings more than 0:01:13.280 --> 0:01:16.399 blue skies. You know what, I'm saying, oh, there's a 0:01:16.440 --> 0:01:19.880 silver lining. We worked through it and that's why we're strong. 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:24.080 But there's still a cloud and and and and it's 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:27.399 it's hard to listen to. I have to say, it's 0:01:27.560 --> 0:01:31.920 it's about your society though, about how it's changed, because 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:34.760 I think that's really important. Yeah, I mean, you know, 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:38.600 as I was listening to, do you guys discuss uh, 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:42.440 you know, raising kids and sharing responsibilities and things like that, 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:46.560 all of the all of the you know, the gripes 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:50.640 about it or the difficulties about are completely valid, completely valid. 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:54.360 I totally understand. But you know, society has changed so 0:01:54.440 --> 0:01:58.520 much it's almost unfair to expect one person or two 0:01:58.520 --> 0:02:03.480 people to raise a child anymore, not anymore to raise 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:07.320 a child alone. See, we have we have neighborhoods. Now 0:02:07.760 --> 0:02:10.120 in modern society, we have neighborhoods, but we don't have 0:02:10.680 --> 0:02:15.640 we don't have communities. So so you know, maybe maybe, however, 0:02:15.720 --> 0:02:20.120 many years ago, you know, maybe if the you know, 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:24.400 in a in a tribal society, it makes more sense. Okay, yeah, 0:02:24.440 --> 0:02:28.119 you know, you know, the you have kids and then 0:02:28.520 --> 0:02:31.639 the tribe shares the responsibility because you know, the men 0:02:31.680 --> 0:02:34.880 go off hunting and and I don't know what the 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:38.280 women's roles work, but but they're you know, they're making pottery, 0:02:38.520 --> 0:02:43.480 they're they're cooking, they're gathering, yeah and yeah, and they 0:02:43.520 --> 0:02:45.520 have they have their roles, and the men had their 0:02:45.639 --> 0:02:47.760 roles and the kids. The kids would be with the 0:02:47.800 --> 0:02:50.160 with the women at least until a certain age. And 0:02:50.200 --> 0:02:53.840 the boys that go off and you know, they learn 0:02:53.919 --> 0:02:56.120 hunting and things like that do all their different things. 0:02:56.840 --> 0:03:00.919 And right now in society, I feel like too much 0:03:01.000 --> 0:03:04.240 is expected of one person or two people as parents, 0:03:04.520 --> 0:03:07.600 and there is no community to rely on. And I 0:03:07.600 --> 0:03:09.919 guess that may be part of the you know, the 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:13.800 the evolution of what you know, the schools have become. 0:03:13.840 --> 0:03:18.200 The schools have sort of developed into these these child 0:03:18.280 --> 0:03:21.280 rearing institutions, you know, just to make it easier on 0:03:21.320 --> 0:03:25.040 the parents or whatever, um, to take some of the 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:28.480 daytime responsibilities out or whatever, so so the parents can 0:03:28.480 --> 0:03:30.760 go out and you know, earn a living or make 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:34.600 enough tax money, uh for you know, the government to 0:03:34.639 --> 0:03:39.040 continue functioning. Um. You know. So I just I just 0:03:39.080 --> 0:03:42.640 feel like it's it's I don't think it's one or two. 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:45.200 I don't think it's the one person or the couple. 0:03:45.440 --> 0:03:48.240 That is the problem. I think the social structure is 0:03:48.280 --> 0:03:51.640 really the has become the issue, and the fact that 0:03:51.680 --> 0:03:55.640 there is no community in existence, in existence that really 0:03:55.800 --> 0:03:59.480 helps raise kids. And because yes, we do live in 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:02.120 a neighborhood, but we do not live in communities, and 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:06.360 so we're not trusting powerful point. That's a massive social problem. 0:04:06.480 --> 0:04:08.880 It's not the problem of the couple. The couple is 0:04:08.920 --> 0:04:15.640 absorbing that problem, and that is the fundamental that is 0:04:15.680 --> 0:04:19.279 the disease. It's also but it's also our own fault then, 0:04:20.200 --> 0:04:26.240 and it's also our own fault individually. If I move 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:28.039 into a new if I moved to a new town, 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:33.240 new city, new neighborhood and I do not make the 0:04:33.279 --> 0:04:37.640 effort to make friends, I will have no friends. I'll 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:39.839 have no community. I'll live in a town but have 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:42.000 no community. And I used to think this way about 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:44.719 New York. I used to I'm my hometown six people, 0:04:45.120 --> 0:04:48.360 everybody knows everybody, You know everybody for the next twenty 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:50.920 towns over. And when I'd go to New York to 0:04:50.920 --> 0:04:54.000 play hockey, I'm like, Damn, there's the most unfriendly city ever. 0:04:55.240 --> 0:04:57.520 Everybody walks by you without with their head down on 0:04:57.560 --> 0:05:00.520 the ground looking at their feet. No, he says, hi, 0:05:00.640 --> 0:05:02.839 how's your day when you pass somebody on a sidewalk. 0:05:03.120 --> 0:05:06.680 And then then it clicked in me. People are only 0:05:06.720 --> 0:05:10.279 as friendly to me as I am to them, and 0:05:10.400 --> 0:05:13.440 my world changed. I said hi to people and say hey, man, 0:05:13.480 --> 0:05:15.120 how are you doing. There were a lot of people 0:05:15.120 --> 0:05:18.200 were surprised by they had taken back from New York scared, 0:05:18.720 --> 0:05:21.440 but my world at least changed, and at least I 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:24.000 took a step into versus just saying, well, this is 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:26.440 New York and it's an unfriendly city. Let me see 0:05:26.480 --> 0:05:29.320 what my role in this being an unfriendly city is. 0:05:29.480 --> 0:05:32.040 So in same thing in the community, same thing an 0:05:32.040 --> 0:05:37.200 apartment building, same thing city, new job, office building. But 0:05:37.240 --> 0:05:39.560 they didn't say when you said, hey, it's nice to 0:05:39.600 --> 0:05:43.080 meet you. Here, hold my baby, and I'll be back 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:45.000 in four hours, you know what I mean. So there's 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:48.040 only trust there. But I do think that that is 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:49.720 a big problem. I think that one of the things 0:05:49.720 --> 0:05:52.359 I also saw in my research was that women and 0:05:52.440 --> 0:05:55.599 men were expecting so much out of each other. We're 0:05:55.640 --> 0:05:59.919 expecting two much, meaning that we were expecting everything my 0:06:00.160 --> 0:06:02.640 partner to be everything to me, And so I talk 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:04.560 a lot about in the book about how important it 0:06:04.600 --> 0:06:07.440 is to also have spiritual friendships. And what I mean 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:10.600 by that is, you know, it came out of sort 0:06:10.640 --> 0:06:13.080 of my interviews with clergy for the book, and this 0:06:13.240 --> 0:06:16.120 idea that if you don't have a community anymore, right, 0:06:16.160 --> 0:06:19.360 because it used to be sort of around churches, um 0:06:19.480 --> 0:06:22.520 and synagogues and mosques, but we don't really have We 0:06:22.560 --> 0:06:25.680 have more secular society these days, and so there's less 0:06:25.720 --> 0:06:28.640 built in community. People are going to church less, there's 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:31.920 less places to find those built in daycares and villages. 0:06:32.360 --> 0:06:34.640 So what I found was that one rabbi actually said 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:37.000 to me, this idea of spiritual friendship someone who wakes 0:06:37.040 --> 0:06:38.960 you up when you're asleep, someone who can come in 0:06:39.000 --> 0:06:41.560 and say, I'll hold your baby. And I think it's 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:43.560 really beautiful for men and women to have that, because 0:06:43.600 --> 0:06:46.040 this is what I saw about men men. A lot 0:06:46.080 --> 0:06:48.240 of men were saying to me, I'm waiting for my 0:06:48.279 --> 0:06:51.120 wife to sort of see who she's friends with, to 0:06:51.160 --> 0:06:54.120 sort of make my own friendships, and so yeah, like 0:06:54.160 --> 0:06:55.839 a lot of men were saying that they only have 0:06:55.920 --> 0:07:00.360 friends through their their partners. Yeah, I'm telling you, you 0:07:00.400 --> 0:07:03.800 may not believe this, but I went out there everywhere. 0:07:03.960 --> 0:07:08.479 I went to interviews from men from every single state 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:11.360 in this kind of except for North Dakota in South Dakota. 0:07:11.400 --> 0:07:13.800 But other than that, they were do you know who 0:07:13.840 --> 0:07:17.440 you interviewed? You interviewed people who were willing to be interviewed. 0:07:18.200 --> 0:07:23.240 And the fundamentals of the fundamentals of interviewers and surveys 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:26.720 is that you're always going to get a lean in 0:07:26.760 --> 0:07:29.920 a direction that is unfair. It can never really be 0:07:30.240 --> 0:07:35.920 true cross section society because I would never do, uh, 0:07:36.040 --> 0:07:38.720 one of those things on the street. Hey, will you 0:07:38.760 --> 0:07:41.840 take this sort of like out of here? You know 0:07:41.880 --> 0:07:44.880 what I mean? Tell me do you have your own friends? Oh? Yeah, 0:07:44.880 --> 0:07:46.240 so when I moved here from me, I want to 0:07:46.280 --> 0:07:50.000 hear about your own friendships. A lot of women do 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:53.400 not want their husbands to have female friendships because they 0:07:53.400 --> 0:07:55.520 feel threatened, and I think they're doing themselves at this 0:07:55.640 --> 0:08:00.840 service because one person cannot fulfill pletely. Well, I'm actually 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:03.040 curious about your listeners. I'd love for them to reach 0:08:03.080 --> 0:08:05.200 out and for them to say, do they really have, 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:08.560 you know, their own friends that aren't through their partners. 0:08:08.560 --> 0:08:11.240 I'd be curious. So a couple of things on that 0:08:12.320 --> 0:08:14.240 On what you just on, what you just said Amy 0:08:14.280 --> 0:08:16.680 about I do not believe. And I say this to 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:18.760 my wife. You ask my wife this. I tell her 0:08:18.800 --> 0:08:22.360 all the time. I cannot fulfill everything for you. You 0:08:22.800 --> 0:08:26.320 cannot fulfill everything for me. It's not possible. You need 0:08:26.400 --> 0:08:31.040 other friendships, other energies, other perspectives, other conversations, other hugs, 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:34.400 other laughter than myself. And I need it to so 0:08:34.600 --> 0:08:37.360 love you, but I also need it to somebody else. 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:39.520 So that's number one. By the way, How great that 0:08:39.559 --> 0:08:43.160 you actually communicated that back to communication. We know that, right. 0:08:43.800 --> 0:08:48.960 It's not a defensive thing. It's just that's you need 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:52.520 more than me. Um. The second thing. When we got 0:08:52.520 --> 0:08:58.040 engaged in twenty uh get, I moved to l A. 0:08:58.840 --> 0:09:01.400 I was living in Anada in the off season and 0:09:01.440 --> 0:09:03.920 living playing hockey in Washington, d C. I moved to 0:09:04.120 --> 0:09:06.160 l A where I knew my wife and maybe like 0:09:06.240 --> 0:09:10.000 one other person. So I got here. She would introduce 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:11.920 me to her friends. We'd go to an event or 0:09:11.960 --> 0:09:15.040 a friend's house. I'd meet friends through her. That's how 0:09:15.080 --> 0:09:17.960 my community started, because that was natural, that was the 0:09:18.080 --> 0:09:21.480 natural flory. But I realized very early on that I 0:09:21.520 --> 0:09:25.720 need my friends. Where's my people and so joining a gym, 0:09:26.559 --> 0:09:28.840 joining an organization, going to the beach, going to other 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.280 going to the dog park, met a ton of people 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:33.600 at the dog park, where all of a sudden, now 0:09:33.920 --> 0:09:36.600 I have my people that I'm telling her about that 0:09:36.640 --> 0:09:41.160 she doesn't know, and that's my support system, my community 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:44.360 that's not dependent upon her and I relationship. And I 0:09:44.400 --> 0:09:46.959 think that's healthy. Key, but it's so healthy, and it's 0:09:47.000 --> 0:09:50.000 so important in the fair play system. I deal you 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:52.360 three cards. You have to take. One of them is 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.320 adult friendships, and it became from my Dada, Gavin. You know, 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.720 whether or not you want to believe it. I just 0:09:58.720 --> 0:10:01.559 said all that escaped because people like me would never 0:10:01.600 --> 0:10:03.880 take I think I think that's correct. But also, people 0:10:03.880 --> 0:10:08.160 like you're also still singing. People lie. Actually, people like 0:10:08.240 --> 0:10:11.400 me are choosing to be So I don't think that 0:10:11.600 --> 0:10:14.480 being single as a play, it's not a problem. That's 0:10:14.480 --> 0:10:20.040 a I think it's a it's absolutely a choice. Group. 0:10:20.320 --> 0:10:25.520 People are so shamed against it's literally you're But I 0:10:25.559 --> 0:10:31.760 wasn't shaming you. I'm jealous. Are less shameful of somebody 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:35.960 in an atrociously bad marriage? Then? But oh no, I 0:10:36.000 --> 0:10:38.120 wasn't actually saying anything The reason I was saying why 0:10:38.200 --> 0:10:40.120 that your single is why you may not believe that 0:10:40.240 --> 0:10:44.319 is because I do think that when you are choosing 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:46.760 right to have to be single, you're also saying, like, 0:10:47.040 --> 0:10:50.240 I understand that I have my own identity, I have 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:52.960 my own life, I have my own going on right 0:10:53.240 --> 0:10:56.280 beyond that right, so I hear the problems of married 0:10:56.320 --> 0:11:00.240 people and you all scare the living better. Let me 0:11:00.280 --> 0:11:02.439 talk about this. I had a teammate once I think 0:11:02.440 --> 0:11:06.000 I said this. I had a veteran teammate guy I 0:11:06.040 --> 0:11:08.160 looked up. So I had a guy I looked up 0:11:08.160 --> 0:11:15.760 to on my team, um father, husband, respected, integral guy. 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:19.679 And he said one comment to me that stuck with 0:11:19.720 --> 0:11:24.199 me for years until I had to trash it myself. 0:11:24.520 --> 0:11:27.960 He said, Brooksie, relationships are about doing ship you don't 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:31.160 want to do. And so I took this on. It's 0:11:31.200 --> 0:11:35.839 like wow. I was like, man, but this was this 0:11:35.880 --> 0:11:38.160 was somebody that I looked up to. This was a 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:41.880 respected guy. I respected him as a man, as a husband, 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:43.920 as a father. And then when I heard him say that, 0:11:44.000 --> 0:11:48.040 I was my perspective of relation term to like wow, 0:11:48.080 --> 0:11:50.240 I tipped my cap to every guy that's married because 0:11:50.240 --> 0:11:52.600 he's got that work had on how do you stay married? 0:11:53.320 --> 0:11:55.719 And then I was in a relationship that was that. 0:11:56.559 --> 0:11:59.640 And then when I became aware of that, I'm like, no, no, no, no. 0:12:00.000 --> 0:12:02.920 Relationships are not about doing you don't want to do. 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:07.000 Relationships are about risking a lot of pain, really put 0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:11.240 yourself out. Excuse me. There is you don't want to do. 0:12:11.480 --> 0:12:13.440 But you don't want to take your child to hold 0:12:13.480 --> 0:12:15.600 their hand, maybe at the doctor's office in the middle 0:12:15.600 --> 0:12:17.040 of the work day or anything. But you don't want 0:12:18.679 --> 0:12:21.360 but but but but it is part of what ultimately 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:24.240 a lot of people choose to do. They choose to 0:12:24.280 --> 0:12:27.760 have a child with their significant other, and when you 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:32.360 bring that person into the world, first of all, that 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.280 would be an honor for me. So I'm talking about 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:39.199 I'm talking about being in a relationship and and being 0:12:40.040 --> 0:12:42.640 I have no issue with being in a relationship. Relationships 0:12:42.640 --> 0:12:47.679 are awesome. It's about being in a relationship where you 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:50.800 feel you may be stuck with someone who essentially is 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:54.840 resenting you twenty three of twenty four hours of the 0:12:55.000 --> 0:13:01.760 day and then told socially, societally told and pressured you 0:13:01.840 --> 0:13:05.560 better make it work it and therefore and if it 0:13:05.600 --> 0:13:13.640 doesn't work, being disciplined find essentially monetarily because it didn't 0:13:13.640 --> 0:13:18.480 work out. You see how corrupt that system truly is. 0:13:18.640 --> 0:13:23.000 Potentially that if it didn't work out, it can cost 0:13:23.080 --> 0:13:28.240 you not just the heartbreak, but everything you've earned or 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:32.760 a portion of it is a system. But then it's 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:34.200 right to get You have to get it right marriage. 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:37.600 There's no problem with marriage, that's the first but to 0:13:37.760 --> 0:13:41.120 be in a scenario where people are told they have 0:13:41.240 --> 0:13:44.760 to work through things that could be the first time. 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:50.480 Because my girlfriend married a guy for a million different reasons. 0:13:50.240 --> 0:13:52.920 This dinner, so I call it it. I'm not arguing 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:56.360 about chicken. She makes this dinner for him and the kids, chicken, 0:13:56.920 --> 0:13:59.320 and he comes home and says, lucky, I didn't have 0:13:59.400 --> 0:14:02.800 chicken for lunch. And I'm like, I'm not having it. 0:14:03.040 --> 0:14:05.800 And that doesn't not everybody, but I'll see what I mean. 0:14:05.840 --> 0:14:07.760 But I'll tell you about get it right the first time? Why? Well, 0:14:07.760 --> 0:14:09.840 why I believe that Fair plays well. It's a pro 0:14:09.920 --> 0:14:13.000 marriage book because I went to men who were in 0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:17.040 their second marriages, who have children from their first marriages 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:20.120 and their second marriages, and they are doing a lot 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:22.440 of Maybe you don't want to do right, you take 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:25.600 out the garbage. Adulting is stuff we don't want to do, 0:14:25.600 --> 0:14:29.000 doing the dishes, transporting kids. It takes forty three steps 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:31.080 in the morning to get out the door with children, 0:14:31.320 --> 0:14:33.280 forty three steps that you have to get through. These 0:14:33.320 --> 0:14:35.960 are things we don't always want to do, but it is. 0:14:36.440 --> 0:14:38.880 But but these are things, even without their sixty cards 0:14:38.880 --> 0:14:42.120 in the fair play deck that apply to relationships without kids, 0:14:42.640 --> 0:14:44.520 that you have to do in a household. I don't 0:14:44.520 --> 0:14:46.800 take forty three steps to get out the door every day, No, 0:14:47.520 --> 0:14:50.320 that's that is the one that is the morning routine card. 0:14:50.600 --> 0:14:53.320 But there's sixty cards that are apply to relationships without 0:14:53.400 --> 0:14:55.440 kids that we may not even know we're doing with 0:14:55.480 --> 0:14:58.200 each other right, household things that we have to do. 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:00.640 But what happens right is when you end up focusing 0:15:00.680 --> 0:15:03.240 on that as opposed to values and communication and to 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:05.760 why you got married in the first time, you end 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:07.680 up leaving those relationships. And so I have a lot 0:15:07.680 --> 0:15:09.720 of men in second marriages who are doing more of 0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:13.040 those things that may seem like daily grinds that are 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:16.280 harder to transporting their kids to school, or doing the 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:19.080 dishes or taking the garbage out, all the crap that 0:15:19.080 --> 0:15:23.240 adult ing means the finances bill, paying whatever, and they 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:25.880 say to me, I asked them, what's their One guy asked, 0:15:25.880 --> 0:15:28.040 I said, what's your advice? You know, you seem so 0:15:28.120 --> 0:15:31.000 much happy in your second marriage. You're really involved with 0:15:31.000 --> 0:15:33.280 your kids. And he said to me, my advice to 0:15:33.320 --> 0:15:34.600 men out there would be to get it right the 0:15:34.640 --> 0:15:39.280 first time, because so much pain and stress I went 0:15:39.320 --> 0:15:42.280 through with my first marriage, and monetary problems right, and 0:15:42.280 --> 0:15:46.280 and penalization from having to go through a divorce. It's 0:15:46.280 --> 0:15:51.080 a penalty. And he felt crushed, crushed, and his kids 0:15:51.080 --> 0:15:55.120 were to be essentially monetarily fined for not working out 0:15:55.200 --> 0:15:57.880 in relationship. What about the kids that are involved system? 0:15:57.960 --> 0:15:59.760 What about the kids that are involved to They're fine. 0:16:00.120 --> 0:16:02.320 I was fine when my father left, Yes, and he 0:16:02.320 --> 0:16:05.800 did get at the second time. We are right. There's 0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:08.560 a lot of emotional society costs from the divorce. So 0:16:08.600 --> 0:16:10.960 what I'm saying is like, why not invest in having 0:16:10.960 --> 0:16:14.600 these conversations earlier, sitting down with expectations. Gavin, you and 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:16.800 I talked about how do you value garbage? But you 0:16:16.800 --> 0:16:19.200 have triggers over garbage from your childhood. We don't have 0:16:19.240 --> 0:16:21.800 these conversations and we're dating but we have garbage. But 0:16:22.240 --> 0:16:25.280 even even the kind of even I want to learn 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:29.000 about how you grew up. Tell me about yours from 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:32.520 him as my boyfriend's, because this is the one big 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:35.040 question I really have. Gavin and I have to do 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:36.840 the dishes. We have to take the garbage out, we 0:16:36.880 --> 0:16:38.640 have to do the laundry, we have to do all. Yes, 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:41.840 I live alone, but no one is nagging us about 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.920 not getting the blue. I live alone. Man, I got 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:48.440 a dog. I have an awesome life. I have a dog, 0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:51.800 I have a great house. I got a dishwasher, I 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:57.760 got a friend. Whatever I need done around the house, 0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:01.920 I do, or like someone will come clean the house. 0:17:02.400 --> 0:17:04.119 You know what I mean. And you know how many 0:17:04.160 --> 0:17:06.520 arguments I have to have. When the person comes to 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:09.440 clean the house, I give them. I give a little 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:13.240 their fee for the day they come and they clean 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:16.280 the house. I'm out of the house, they clean, I 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:18.800 come back. The house is clean. I didn't argue with 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:22.000 anybody they took out the garbage if I hadn't taken 0:17:22.000 --> 0:17:25.200 it out. But other than that, it's just easy breezy. 0:17:25.240 --> 0:17:30.679 But Gavin, you're talking about expectations. You guys are talking 0:17:30.720 --> 0:17:34.040 about expectations here what happens right when you come in 0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:36.440 and we have a different expectation. You know what's the 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:38.560 opposite of expectations is I talked about this in the 0:17:38.600 --> 0:17:43.800 book disappointment. You know what the worst emotion is besides grief, disappointment. 0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:47.280 Nobody wants to be disappointed. So I'd rather take out 0:17:47.320 --> 0:17:50.000 the garbage myself, right or understand that I'm gonna go 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:53.240 as opposed to feeling like Gavin, you're my boyfriend and 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:54.719 you didn't take it out for me, and now I'm 0:17:54.760 --> 0:17:59.080 disappointed in you. That's how all this starts without having 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:04.199 real conversation about your values. Over domestic life, we have 0:18:04.320 --> 0:18:07.359 to treat our home like our most important organization. Argument 0:18:07.400 --> 0:18:15.960 over chicken? Ever, both of you guys, you haven't and 0:18:16.040 --> 0:18:19.720 Amy like you can have everything you want and still 0:18:19.760 --> 0:18:25.840 have that partner. We have help at our house. Did 0:18:25.880 --> 0:18:28.280 have an argument over toothpaste and a coffee cup? No, 0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:33.879 it's not an argument. Okay, most people do. People has blueberry, 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:36.960 So okay, anyway, what bore us had over orange juice? 0:18:36.960 --> 0:18:42.920 But there's gonna be, There's gonna be, There's gonna be 0:18:43.040 --> 0:18:47.800 something whatever it is that brings about like a person 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:50.640 can only tolerate so much, you'll tolerate a little bit, 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:52.359 you'll tolerate a little bit more, and then there'll be 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:55.119 one time that you're not willing to tolerate it. And 0:18:55.160 --> 0:18:57.960 then we'll reference that one time about the blueberries, about 0:18:58.080 --> 0:19:01.399 the coffee cup that plain. Yeah, we're just gonna reference 0:19:01.480 --> 0:19:03.600 Jennifer Anderson. I want you to want to do this. 0:19:04.480 --> 0:19:07.320 But here's the thing. Here is here is the over 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:12.040 arching umbrella of it all. In my opinion and based 0:19:12.040 --> 0:19:16.920 off my life experience, a job, a career, a whatever else, 0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:21.800 anything else to passion, anything else in this world will 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:27.720 never be as intriguing to you as your loving relationship. 0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:31.520 And that's that's that's number one. This is predictor of longevity. 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:34.640 Do you know that the Harvard study out of Boston 0:19:34.800 --> 0:19:38.280 for men, for men, women have different predictors of longevity. 0:19:38.320 --> 0:19:40.760 For men, one of the number one predictors of your 0:19:40.800 --> 0:19:45.680 longevity is you're the quality of your of your relationships. 0:19:47.119 --> 0:19:49.440 Although there is a study that just came out and 0:19:49.480 --> 0:19:53.080 maybe women there's a study that just came out a 0:19:53.080 --> 0:19:55.199 couple of years ago. I'm trying to find it. Single 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:58.600 women are the happiest of all. Well, they're also the 0:19:58.640 --> 0:20:02.199 healthiest they're how but men if the value proposition for 0:20:02.280 --> 0:20:04.439 men right, it's not about taking out the garbage, It's 0:20:04.440 --> 0:20:09.480 not about finding our blueberries. It's about your longevity, investing 0:20:09.520 --> 0:20:12.399 in conversations about your expectations, what you want in the 0:20:12.440 --> 0:20:15.040 home so that you live a long life and you're 0:20:15.080 --> 0:20:18.600 not having women dump on your pillow and or publicly 0:20:18.600 --> 0:20:22.399 shame you on Instagram. That's my point. Women are the 0:20:22.440 --> 0:20:26.000 happiest and healthiest, So we have like an actual breakdown 0:20:26.200 --> 0:20:29.359 because if married men are happier than they're apparently making 0:20:29.400 --> 0:20:33.160 the women they're married to miserable. Well, that's that's that's 0:20:33.160 --> 0:20:36.879 what's interesting, It's it's interesting. Well, the thing about women, 0:20:37.000 --> 0:20:39.520 right is like we just want them to be able 0:20:39.560 --> 0:20:43.719 to feel like they can communicate. And that's what your 0:20:43.720 --> 0:20:46.600 books you were saying before and there that there is 0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:50.080 willingness and an openness for me to be able to 0:20:50.119 --> 0:20:52.560 sit down with you and say if I'm having a 0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:55.880 hard time, I don't want to help her, I need 0:20:55.920 --> 0:20:59.640 your help. Even the way you just communicated that right 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:02.760 now to me was differently than how you communicated before. 0:21:02.960 --> 0:21:05.480 And I wish people could see that. And if you 0:21:05.640 --> 0:21:07.760 just play that back and re listen to that, because 0:21:07.760 --> 0:21:11.240 how you communicate. You dropped into a softness there where 0:21:11.280 --> 0:21:14.879 all the weapons were down and just communicated that to me. 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:17.800 And I'm not even your partner, but it is. And 0:21:17.960 --> 0:21:21.000 we say this, it's how you communicate to your partner. 0:21:21.440 --> 0:21:23.480 But I promise you, and this is speaking from my 0:21:23.520 --> 0:21:26.080 own experience, I am more intrigued by my wife and 0:21:26.119 --> 0:21:29.440 my relationship than the game of hockey, which I spent 0:21:29.520 --> 0:21:32.600 my whole life doing, than doing this podcast and doing 0:21:32.680 --> 0:21:36.160 anything else traveling advantage of anything in the world. My 0:21:36.320 --> 0:21:39.440 wife and my relationship and figuring her out and our 0:21:39.640 --> 0:21:43.440 dance in unison as a married couple is way more 0:21:43.520 --> 0:21:46.840 intriguing than anything else in the world. To me, I agree, 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:51.200 unless it turns look like with the bag of garbage 0:21:51.200 --> 0:21:54.400 in each other's hands. Yeah, and I you're gonna play 0:21:59.840 --> 0:22:02.119 that the thing I think we do we we do agree. 0:22:02.240 --> 0:22:06.000 We do agree with the with the potential of a 0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:10.160 wonderful relationship and a long lasting relationship and a lifelong 0:22:10.200 --> 0:22:13.879 relationship and a monogamous relationship and one of parenting, and 0:22:13.960 --> 0:22:19.240 all of these beautiful ideas are all perfect. Potentially A 0:22:21.760 --> 0:22:25.640 scary thing. The scary thing is when I will sing, 0:22:25.760 --> 0:22:27.800 is when you get into territory where we need to 0:22:27.800 --> 0:22:31.440 read a book together, that's right to stay together, and 0:22:31.800 --> 0:22:34.800 that's that's what But you know what I'm saying that 0:22:34.800 --> 0:22:37.280 that that's that that's where it gets you have to 0:22:37.440 --> 0:22:42.000 that's where it gets intimidating you as as somebody expectations. Yes, 0:22:42.200 --> 0:22:43.760