Speaker 1: Hell I thought your favorite with Mike Benn and Stephanie
Speaker 1: and I heart radio podcast. All right, we are back again.
Speaker 1: It's me Mike Cosson with Ben Higgins and Stephanie Pratt
Speaker 1: and we're here one more week again as we usually are,
Speaker 1: to help you at dating because we all suck. Oh no,
Speaker 1: I think I'm just the sucky one. Now. Well, Ben
Speaker 1: has a new girlfriend. Yeah, I feel like I'm hitting
Speaker 1: my stride. You're doing something right over there. Girlfriend. Her
Speaker 1: name is By the way, I gotta start this by apologizing,
Speaker 1: I've got I got the flu, so I'm gonna be
Speaker 1: a little stuffy, a little bit congested, and that makes
Speaker 1: for a great podcast host. Um. But my girlfriend's name
Speaker 1: is Jessica Clark. She was born and continues to reside
Speaker 1: in Nashville, Tennessee. Uh. She is an old miss UH
Speaker 1: graduate and is a very very sweet person. So we've
Speaker 1: been dating for four months now, so I'm new, I'm fresh,
Speaker 1: but I am in a relationship. Okay, then you still
Speaker 1: probably need some advice. Yes, yes, I obviously need advice. Michael,
Speaker 1: is your relationship going. I know nothing about dating. I'm
Speaker 1: probably the worst that dating because I'm married. So I
Speaker 1: really know nothing about. It's one of those I feel
Speaker 1: like I would have that fear if I was thrown
Speaker 1: back into the dating pool. I wouldn't know what to do.
Speaker 1: I really, I really don't know. Like I think justin
Speaker 1: four years are being married. I think things have changed enough.
Speaker 1: Maybe Well, we have a really special guest on this
Speaker 1: week's episode. Martie Batista is coming in studio fantastic and
Speaker 1: she is a relationship guru with advice. So I also
Speaker 1: want to know what she thinks about how you were
Speaker 1: how you chase Janna. I think that is like the
Speaker 1: coolest story ever. Well, thank you. He literally on Twitter
Speaker 1: he was like, I'm coming to your show four days later. Yeah,
Speaker 1: So I can't wait to hear what she thinks about
Speaker 1: that approach, because I think the direct approach is everything.
Speaker 1: All right, So that's she's coming on later, which is great.
Speaker 1: Do you think? I mean, Stephanie, you're the one here
Speaker 1: that's single. Are you sick and tired of people trying
Speaker 1: to give you advice on how a date? Are you
Speaker 1: into this? I love it? Really I stuck at dating.
Speaker 1: I feel like nowadays since al right, Ben, you are
Speaker 1: new and do a relationship. Stephanie you're still single. How
Speaker 1: much of it is through social media? Is that like
Speaker 1: just the only dating pool? I don't actually because I
Speaker 1: don't really I'm not a good social media person, so
Speaker 1: I have never looked at messages or d ms. I
Speaker 1: don't get notifications. I mean, for ALLABLY know, Garrett Headland
Speaker 1: could be like hitting me up and I don't know.
Speaker 1: And I also I'm really scared of dating apps. So
Speaker 1: I really like advice because that is like the way
Speaker 1: now everyone is online and like even Wells, you know,
Speaker 1: met Sarah online? Did you meet your girlfriend Jessica online?
Speaker 1: Can we have a little story to time? Okay, So
Speaker 1: this is how Jessica and I met. I was in Nashville,
Speaker 1: Tennessee for a fundraiser. I was staying at the Hilton,
Speaker 1: which is downtown Nashville, right next to uh Bridge Town Arena,
Speaker 1: which is where the Predators play, And there was a
Speaker 1: hockey team checking into the hotel and I got curious
Speaker 1: and I was like, I wonder what hockey team this was.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go up to my room and get on
Speaker 1: Instagram and look at the top post from this location
Speaker 1: because somebody's got to posted from here. And it did.
Speaker 1: Will help me find out what team it is. So
Speaker 1: I went upstairs and I got on top post and
Speaker 1: Jessica's picture popped up and I saw it. I was like,
Speaker 1: that girl's stunning. Who is this? So then I did
Speaker 1: what every normal person does. I clicked on it and
Speaker 1: started creeping on her. And I noticed it right now
Speaker 1: by the way on my phone. Yeahs and Jessica um.
Speaker 1: And So I saw this and I was like, I
Speaker 1: don't know what to do. I'm not gonna message her
Speaker 1: because that's weird. I'm just gonna screenshot it. And then
Speaker 1: at some point I'm feeling confident I'm gonna messenger, so
Speaker 1: I screenshot and her profile totally forgot about it. Six
Speaker 1: months later, I was cleaning out my phonks had ran
Speaker 1: out of storage, came across the picture and I was
Speaker 1: feeling good. That night. It was Thanksgiving evening, I had
Speaker 1: drink a little bit, and so I messaged her and
Speaker 1: I said, hey, Jessica Clark, Um, you said, Jessica Clark, Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's kind of yeah. I just felt like that. I
Speaker 1: like the full name approach, yeah, you know, the let's
Speaker 1: be formal at the start. And so what happened was
Speaker 1: I messed her, I said, I don't. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to ask too many questions because I don't want
Speaker 1: to tell you how I met you or how I
Speaker 1: know you. Uh, let's leave that for some time that
Speaker 1: we actually get to know each other, and then I'll explain.
Speaker 1: And she messaged back, and we haven't really stopped what,
Speaker 1: we haven't stopped talking since that's my that's my story.
Speaker 1: That's a pretty direct approach to like you're saying, is that, Yeah,
Speaker 1: what was the first meet up? It was like a
Speaker 1: pretty much a blind date, wasn't it kind of Yeah,
Speaker 1: So we had FaceTime and talked on the phone for
Speaker 1: three weeks straight all the time, and uh, it got
Speaker 1: to the point where I just getting frustrated because I
Speaker 1: had I was interested in her, I was excited about her. Um,
Speaker 1: it was a new thing. And so one night it
Speaker 1: was the opening up my new restaurant, and I texted her,
Speaker 1: I said, thank you, thank you so much. Uh. I texted,
Speaker 1: I said, get a flight out here as soon as
Speaker 1: you can, if you're interested in coming out. And so
Speaker 1: the next day she showed up. Um did I did? No? No? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah yeah. Um. So she flew out and we spent
Speaker 1: the first weekend together and uh, and now we see
Speaker 1: each other probably about every two or three weeks and
Speaker 1: it's been what four months, So it's new. It's exciting. Uh,
Speaker 1: it's she's just great. I mean she I've got a
Speaker 1: lot of issues, and I've never met anybody that uh
Speaker 1: just like knows the issues like loves me through them,
Speaker 1: like just like it's like supportive and backing and just
Speaker 1: like gets it. It's it's really it's really fun. All right.
Speaker 1: We have someone special on the show to help us
Speaker 1: with all of my questions, Stephan questions, and band's questions.
Speaker 1: Her name is Marty Batista. She's a dating coach and specialist,
Speaker 1: and she's coming on here soon to help us out
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Speaker 1: that's awesome. Where we have someone a specialist here to
Speaker 1: chime in on this now in studio is Marny Batista. Hey,
Speaker 1: thanks for coming, Welcome to our podcast. You were excited
Speaker 1: to be here. Thanks for coming on. So we are here.
Speaker 1: We our podcast is all about we suck at dating.
Speaker 1: We have Ben who's newly in a relationship, Stephanie who's single,
Speaker 1: and I'm married so I'm definitely bad at dating, so
Speaker 1: thank god, yeah, thank goodness. It's probably a good thing,
Speaker 1: but you have to date your honey totally torn legend
Speaker 1: about all right, So let's go ahead and dive in.
Speaker 1: And the I was asking Ben and actually again Ben's
Speaker 1: recently in relationships, stephaniely still single. What do you see
Speaker 1: out there nowadays? Morning with your expertise? I asked the
Speaker 1: question of is everything just based around social media? Is
Speaker 1: everything through d ms? Is everything through connecting with each other? Like?
Speaker 1: How are people meeting in an old fashioned way? Well,
Speaker 1: I think the thing is is that it's a buffet,
Speaker 1: right like, and and that's kind of a problem because
Speaker 1: you know, you go to a buffet and you just
Speaker 1: want a little bite of everything and there might be
Speaker 1: something coming, so yes, save a little room. So I
Speaker 1: think that people are really limiting themselves emotionally because of that.
Speaker 1: There's always a little guard up. But if you want
Speaker 1: to meet someone who is sharing your you know, your passions,
Speaker 1: don't gotta like get out right like you gotta you
Speaker 1: gotta get out in the town do something. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: and when you're out doing stuff that is just normal
Speaker 1: like Starbucks or Trader Joe's people are on their damn phones.
Speaker 1: That's the thing. I go out and I get like
Speaker 1: all dolled up. I stopped doing this, and I'll go
Speaker 1: put myself at the bar like basically like, guys come
Speaker 1: hit on me. No one talks to me. Are you
Speaker 1: on your phone? No, I'm never on my phone. Actually
Speaker 1: you don't know this about me, but I'm amish. I sweared.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna stop saying it. I say it every week
Speaker 1: on the podcast. Um No, I'm not on my phone.
Speaker 1: I like make myself very available. I don't have my
Speaker 1: arms crossed. I mean, I'm basically saying, you don't even
Speaker 1: have to buy me a drink. Just ask me what
Speaker 1: name is? Have you ever initiated a conversation? Well, I's
Speaker 1: gonna ask that. I'm yeah. I mean if there's if
Speaker 1: if the bars crowded and someone's like, cute it, I'll
Speaker 1: go towards them and I'll be like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: it's so crowded, you know, like I will, but I
Speaker 1: going out gets me. No. There, I stopped doing because
Speaker 1: I'm just like washing my makeup off at night, being like,
Speaker 1: which is so annoying. The worst, the worst. So here's
Speaker 1: the thing. Maybe don't go to bars with the intention
Speaker 1: to like get hit on, because what I'm thinking is
Speaker 1: you might have a vibe of like hit on me,
Speaker 1: and an actual nice guy might be intimidated by that
Speaker 1: because you're really beautiful. Yeah, So what I'm thinking is
Speaker 1: you're sitting there like and you've got this like hit
Speaker 1: on me, and someone might interpret that as are you
Speaker 1: good enough to hit on me? I can see that
Speaker 1: if you're well no, So what I'm thinking is if
Speaker 1: you're less, I want you to be intentional. But if
Speaker 1: you're less like going with the mindset of like hit
Speaker 1: on me, and more like I want to make some connections,
Speaker 1: and you also go to places that aren't like places
Speaker 1: where men hit on women and you're just feeling like
Speaker 1: natural and comfortable and doing your thing and you're open
Speaker 1: and you're not waiting for that, You're gonna be more approachable. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, I don't like dress scandalous, think no, no, no,
Speaker 1: don't like when I go out, I'm always like, I
Speaker 1: hope there's hot guys there. They're better be hot guys there. Well,
Speaker 1: so what you just said they're better be hot guys
Speaker 1: there is like then the energy is like they're better
Speaker 1: be hot guys there, and that kind of leaks out.
Speaker 1: But if you're just going someplace and you're just not
Speaker 1: going with that intention, my guess is from doing this
Speaker 1: a long past time is you're more approachable. I can
Speaker 1: see that because it's just reverting back to the days
Speaker 1: that I was single, going out with my buddies and
Speaker 1: thinking in my head the same thing. I hope there's
Speaker 1: hot women there. I hope there's hot girls there, and
Speaker 1: I hope but you know, get lucky to night or
Speaker 1: something like that. The nights you go out with that
Speaker 1: mentality were the Knights You're never felt like we're going
Speaker 1: home alone. And then the Knights that you just kind
Speaker 1: of went out just to hang out with your friends
Speaker 1: and have a good time. Things just happened platonically without
Speaker 1: even trying, and it just happens. You're like, oh, I
Speaker 1: wasn't even expecting this, but here it is. You're you're
Speaker 1: just more chill. Also, guys are much better at doing
Speaker 1: that than women, because like, if a bunch of guys
Speaker 1: go out and I'm sure you've seen this, you got
Speaker 1: right there just actually out having a good time. They're
Speaker 1: just hanging out. They're not really focused on that. That's
Speaker 1: the thing. They're just hanging out with each other. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because but that's that's what guys. But that's what guys do.
Speaker 1: So that's what guys do. It's so annoying, but party,
Speaker 1: I gotta apology here for one second, though, I'm listening
Speaker 1: to all of this. Everybody has great advice. Everybody has
Speaker 1: this good acc But what makes you the person to
Speaker 1: give this advice? Like, where does your background come from
Speaker 1: that now you're a dating expert? Right? I love? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because ben I sucked at dating. I got married when
Speaker 1: I was twenty two. I know, basically because you know,
Speaker 1: I slept with a guy and then he called me
Speaker 1: the next day. So I was pretty stoked about that.
Speaker 1: He's the one. He's the one. I'm like, yes, So
Speaker 1: I got married to know what I was doing. Um,
Speaker 1: I was pretty unhappy, but you know, I it's a
Speaker 1: different generation ish and then I was just really unhappy
Speaker 1: and so I got divorced. And then basically a younger,
Speaker 1: hotter guy I met him online. He's the same guy
Speaker 1: with a different face, super do she but really hot?
Speaker 1: Which online? Uh this was Craigslist used to have this
Speaker 1: thing called miss connections. Oh, my godmercials. Yeah, So I
Speaker 1: totally my girlfriend was like driving in l A and
Speaker 1: she saw this guy in a tahoe and then my
Speaker 1: other friend had met someone I miss connection, so I
Speaker 1: was totally like stalking miss connections, right, and I totally
Speaker 1: like wrote to this guy and he wasn't like he
Speaker 1: wasn't the guy who she saw, but I totally I
Speaker 1: just started talking to him. He no, no, he. I
Speaker 1: just totally did the same thing. Like I thought it
Speaker 1: was the ex husband, but it was just me. Everyone's
Speaker 1: done that well totally, so I I figured out a
Speaker 1: different way. So back to Ben's questions, So I dated
Speaker 1: in l A for like five years, and I really
Speaker 1: figured out how to do it with like my dignity
Speaker 1: intact and feeling really good about myself and feeling like
Speaker 1: I was choosing. And I dated a lot and I
Speaker 1: had a lot of fun. And then I met my
Speaker 1: husband and who's super hot, eight years younger than me,
Speaker 1: and we've been together for ten years. But now I
Speaker 1: studied a lot and I'm certified and all that kind
Speaker 1: of stuff. But now I've been coaching men and women
Speaker 1: for the last ten years, and I have like an
Speaker 1: incredible success rate because everything that you're doing with what
Speaker 1: most people do, and it's totally encounterintuitive to do it
Speaker 1: any other way. Well, you know what, I for pretty
Speaker 1: much five years, I was never looking because I was
Speaker 1: I live in London and I've I have three businesses
Speaker 1: over there and then a TV show that I do,
Speaker 1: So it was just work, work, work, Like I put
Speaker 1: work before my family before finding a boyfriend. All my
Speaker 1: friends are getting married, they're having babies, and I'm just
Speaker 1: like turning into this weird single lady in her thirties totally.
Speaker 1: So I never put myself out there. But now since
Speaker 1: I've been back in l A, I've been wanting to
Speaker 1: kind of just to share experiences with you. No, Like
Speaker 1: this year, I actually have time to travel and I
Speaker 1: went to travel with someone, Like I just went to
Speaker 1: Hawaii last week by myself. So you know, I want
Speaker 1: a partner to do things with me. But it's just
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just l A. I mean,
Speaker 1: I'd love to what you think, but I feel like
Speaker 1: every guy here is just like you know, I could
Speaker 1: sleep with any any girl, and they just wait for
Speaker 1: girls to come up to them because they know they will.
Speaker 1: So the other thing is you got If you're getting
Speaker 1: guys like that and you're looking for an actual high
Speaker 1: quality guy, he's not probably out, you know, like at
Speaker 1: a this is like nice, like Dan Tana's crazy. It
Speaker 1: doesn't it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, honestly, Like the
Speaker 1: kind of guy that you really want is a different guy.
Speaker 1: When you're meeting the same kind of guy over and
Speaker 1: over again, right, the results are showing you that you're
Speaker 1: like pickers Off. You're not attracting like a high quality
Speaker 1: guy who's looking for partnership. You're looking for someone who
Speaker 1: just wants to look up, someone who just wants And
Speaker 1: by the way, if you're a little ambiguous, like do
Speaker 1: you want like a serious relationship or do you just
Speaker 1: want like casual dating? Right, you have to get really
Speaker 1: clear in your intentions because that it almost like you
Speaker 1: have an unconscious radar. So where can Stephanie find Where
Speaker 1: do you go to find these? Well? Who are you? Like?
Speaker 1: What are you actually looking for? Like? What is your
Speaker 1: like specific relationship goal? Well, I'm talking to three guys
Speaker 1: right now. Um, I want to be exclusive with someone
Speaker 1: like in a monogamous sexual relationship, but I don't want
Speaker 1: it to be serious at the minute, I relationships to
Speaker 1: me like feel like prison. I'm very much like, give
Speaker 1: me my passport, I'm free and ever since I was eighteen.
Speaker 1: When I was eighteen, I moved to Paris, like I
Speaker 1: like complete freedom and space. So I'm scared of a
Speaker 1: serious relationship where I'm you know, nber home home. This
Speaker 1: is your problem. But what because you're putting out mixed right,
Speaker 1: So the fact that you're scared what you're scared of
Speaker 1: kind of what you want because it's gonna be really
Speaker 1: hard to find a quality guy who wants to have
Speaker 1: a monogamous, serious relationship ship with no strings attached. What
Speaker 1: are the strings? We like freedom right Like it would
Speaker 1: have to be someone that was just as ambitious, are
Speaker 1: very busy with work where they didn't have time for
Speaker 1: anything else but have time to see every now and then.
Speaker 1: But that's not only that own life. I have my
Speaker 1: own life, and then we have a little life together,
Speaker 1: you know. But see the thing is the little life
Speaker 1: together is so ambiguous, and one person usually gets emotionally connected.
Speaker 1: It's it's gonna happen. And so your guard is up, girl,
Speaker 1: And that is why you're attracting men who are perfect
Speaker 1: for someone whose guard is up, and what kind of
Speaker 1: men are they? Men who don't want to have an
Speaker 1: emotional connection. They're casual, they're just It's like, this is
Speaker 1: like a math problem, Ben. This is why I do
Speaker 1: what I do because it's your your your intention is fine,
Speaker 1: but you're going to attract guys like that, and they're
Speaker 1: not going to be able to give you that like
Speaker 1: ven diagram bit because I think you want probably a
Speaker 1: little bit of an emotional connection. You want to share
Speaker 1: a thing, right, So it's kind of you're asking for something.
Speaker 1: I don't think this possible. So if I was coaching you,
Speaker 1: like somewhere else, I'd be like, let's look at why
Speaker 1: relationships are prison because you could have one and still
Speaker 1: have freedom. But I've tried and they all resent me,
Speaker 1: and it's you know, but you did. And I also
Speaker 1: work more than guy, right, So yeah, this is what
Speaker 1: I do is I specialized in women who are really
Speaker 1: really successful, and there's just all this that goes with
Speaker 1: being successful, right because you do you want what you want,
Speaker 1: you're smart, you don't have to settle. You want freedom.
Speaker 1: What's interesting is like in our culture is that used
Speaker 1: to be a man thing, right, and now it's a
Speaker 1: woman thing, and so there's no there's like no paradigm,
Speaker 1: there's no model, so women don't know how to do it.
Speaker 1: So you can totally have a relationship with the right
Speaker 1: guy who totally gives you freedom, he wants freedom, but
Speaker 1: you also have emotional connection. I can I can see
Speaker 1: where that is harder to find though, for for a
Speaker 1: successful woman to find a man who's comfortable and then
Speaker 1: being that successful and ambitios is because when I met
Speaker 1: my my now wife, I was retiring from the NFL,
Speaker 1: so kind of my career was was ending, and I
Speaker 1: just I felt like I became her husband. I felt
Speaker 1: like I lost my identity and who I was and
Speaker 1: I was just kind of like along for the ride.
Speaker 1: And that takes a toll on a man, you know,
Speaker 1: even as someone who you know, I had a successful
Speaker 1: career and I thought I was doing well, but regardless,
Speaker 1: it's it takes a toll on you emotionally and mentally.
Speaker 1: So it totally does. And my husband had a bit
Speaker 1: of that so started interrupt did you ever not resent
Speaker 1: her but kind of get frustrated? And I started emasculated. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I started saying things like, oh, it's just Janna's world.
Speaker 1: It's her world. Okay, I guess I'm just so long
Speaker 1: for the ride. What I have to do isn't important.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we we had a we had a you know,
Speaker 1: a lot of issues around. It's the thing. But the
Speaker 1: thing is because there there are men who are at
Speaker 1: the place where you are now, Like you got through
Speaker 1: that thing with her, So there are men who are
Speaker 1: single who are already worked through their own stuff and
Speaker 1: they are looking and they're actually attracted to someone like you,
Speaker 1: and they want to fit into your life and they
Speaker 1: want to support you and not be like, you know,
Speaker 1: the rock star. So I I want you to not
Speaker 1: be afraid of relationships. I'm afraid of the guys. Like,
Speaker 1: how did you work through that? Because I had a
Speaker 1: boyfriend dumped me four years ago that I lived with,
Speaker 1: and it was basically he was so emasculated because he
Speaker 1: he was just a rich kid, and so I was
Speaker 1: out every day and he wasn't. Yeah, it's just for me.
Speaker 1: It was finding my identity again and finding something for myself.
Speaker 1: And Jane and I had so much work to do individually,
Speaker 1: and ultimately it became it came down to us communicating,
Speaker 1: me doing a lot of therapy and a lot of
Speaker 1: work with myself, and a lot of it stems from
Speaker 1: issues and me never feeling I was good enough in
Speaker 1: life period. That stems from when I was a child
Speaker 1: and that you know, just kind of carries with you
Speaker 1: into your adult self. So a lot of that was
Speaker 1: working through that, which I still struggle with from time
Speaker 1: to time. So, you know, never thinking I was good
Speaker 1: enough for her or any or I know, I was
Speaker 1: never good enough and what I was doing in my
Speaker 1: life was a lot of the reason on why I
Speaker 1: was just felt emasculated and felt like I was along
Speaker 1: for the ride. But again, like like Marny said, there
Speaker 1: are men out there that are in their thirties that
Speaker 1: have done that work or don't have those issues, and
Speaker 1: you know, see an attractive woman and if they come
Speaker 1: up to them at a bar, it's like wow, like
Speaker 1: that can take somebody, you know, for a whirlwind in
Speaker 1: a good way. I've never ever heard a guy say,
Speaker 1: what you just opened up about that you like had
Speaker 1: those issues, Thank you so much. I know you are.
Speaker 1: You're amazing. That's that's so great. So you want a
Speaker 1: guy like that. He's emotionally intelligent, so emotionally touched. Guy's
Speaker 1: self aware can handle you, right, but you need to
Speaker 1: you need to do some of that. I think some
Speaker 1: of the stuff that he's talking about so that you're
Speaker 1: you're open because I think whatever happened to you four
Speaker 1: years ago or whatever, you're like, it's like it was
Speaker 1: a lot. Well. I was just telling I'm the guys
Speaker 1: in the room earlier before you gotten here off off
Speaker 1: the podcast that someone asked me about my motor cross
Speaker 1: ex boyfriend from the Hills, and I said, you know
Speaker 1: what happened. I was filming my last scene at Kristin
Speaker 1: Cavalley's house and we finished it. We all were like
Speaker 1: outside her patio talking about stuff. So Adrina Low, Kristen
Speaker 1: and I and I got a text from my boyfriend
Speaker 1: that I brought on the show saying, um, it's over.
Speaker 1: So he broke up with me the minute the show
Speaker 1: and and that's the second. That was the first time.
Speaker 1: But it's happened because I'm on another show in London,
Speaker 1: so it's happened on that show too. So I I
Speaker 1: just don't have any good you don't have any evidence
Speaker 1: that you go there's a good guy. Yeah, and of
Speaker 1: course you would feel crappy about it. That's they either
Speaker 1: used me or I I emasculate them. Then how you're
Speaker 1: talking about, you know, you and Jessica and your new
Speaker 1: relationship flourishing and you kind of in in it to
Speaker 1: having some issues and to her just kind of loving
Speaker 1: you regardless of what you have going on. Can you
Speaker 1: speak on that kind of like in the in the
Speaker 1: topic that we're talking about. Yeah, how do you guys
Speaker 1: make it exclusive? I always want to know that in
Speaker 1: an early relationship. Well, you know, I think we can
Speaker 1: all speak openly about, you know, what our personal preferences are.
Speaker 1: But for me, I've never been able to date. I
Speaker 1: don't think I've ever dated anybody, like multiple people at
Speaker 1: the same time. Like, I don't think I ever have,
Speaker 1: and I don't think I would do it. Well, not
Speaker 1: that I'm against it. I actually kind of wish at
Speaker 1: some point I would have been able to date and
Speaker 1: actually just date. But as soon as I start to
Speaker 1: enter into something, it feels like I can't manage multiple
Speaker 1: text threads at once, Like it just gets it just
Speaker 1: gets too much too soon. For Jessica and I as
Speaker 1: we started, I think because of who she is as
Speaker 1: a person and her morals and values, I knew very
Speaker 1: early on. If I want to try to make it
Speaker 1: work with her, then I had to be somewhat exclusive
Speaker 1: at least be intentional about how we're gonna date, and
Speaker 1: not drag her along. So that never really was a
Speaker 1: conversation other than when she showed up for the first time.
Speaker 1: I said, do you think this is something that you'd
Speaker 1: like to see pursued, and if so, I don't want
Speaker 1: to date anybody else right now, and she said I
Speaker 1: don't want to date anybody else either. So it just
Speaker 1: kind of went like that, and that's how it worked.
Speaker 1: It happened pretty fast, I think, Michael, to answer your
Speaker 1: question for me, I've had a lot of insecurities and
Speaker 1: dating um, which I think most people probably have. But
Speaker 1: after a couple of failed relationships, I didn't know if
Speaker 1: I was gonna be able to get back into it
Speaker 1: and be successful again. Or the other point was I
Speaker 1: didn't know if I was even interested in getting back
Speaker 1: into a relationship again. I thought it was pretty good
Speaker 1: being single, but what Jessica does is she takes everything
Speaker 1: about me as a single man and enhances it because
Speaker 1: of her partnership. So moments that I am insecure, she's
Speaker 1: there to kind of help me and fill that gap
Speaker 1: moments that I need more rest, She's there to push
Speaker 1: me to get more arrest and so she just takes
Speaker 1: who I was as a single man. It doesn't take
Speaker 1: anything away from me that adds to life. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: there's some sacrifices I've had to make, right, I mean,
Speaker 1: I can't go out with my buddies every night of
Speaker 1: the week anymore, and um, there's some but those are
Speaker 1: good and healthy steps. My buddy said this best, and Marty,
Speaker 1: I really want to hear because I'm reading more and
Speaker 1: more about what you've done, and a lot of it
Speaker 1: is science base, and so I want to hear from that.
Speaker 1: But I also want to hear if this is a
Speaker 1: common feeling. Stephanie, I don't know if you can relate
Speaker 1: with this or not. But when I was getting ready
Speaker 1: to inter into relationship with with Jessica, I called one
Speaker 1: of my best friends and I was telling them, Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm scared. I've been single for a long time. My
Speaker 1: identity is being single. Um honestly, like, I made a
Speaker 1: career off of being single. When I go out to
Speaker 1: the public, people recognize me as being single. And the
Speaker 1: part that I started to realize because I was getting
Speaker 1: really comfortable getting sympathy because I was single. I didn't
Speaker 1: know this at the time, but I like the fact
Speaker 1: that I could walk into a room and that I,
Speaker 1: in a sense could take the victim mentality, and that
Speaker 1: people would would not judge me or criticize me, or
Speaker 1: they would they would actually be interested in my life
Speaker 1: because I was single. They would ask me further questions
Speaker 1: about who I was because I was single, and I
Speaker 1: got addicted to in a sense. And my buddy said this,
Speaker 1: he goes nothing that you're saying is is crazy just
Speaker 1: because of the life that you've lived. And he said,
Speaker 1: I don't know if Jessica is the one of the
Speaker 1: one preparing you for the one, but what I will
Speaker 1: tell you is even though this next stage of life
Speaker 1: with a partner may not be as exciting or sporadic
Speaker 1: or free, what it will do it will make up.
Speaker 1: It will be more fulfilling, more joy filled, and more
Speaker 1: purpose filled than anything you've done before. And I at
Speaker 1: that moment when he texted me that I made the
Speaker 1: choice in this here because I've gone on and on.
Speaker 1: I made the consciert's choice. Remember in that moment to
Speaker 1: say I'm willing to risk giving up the excitement um,
Speaker 1: the the excitement, the thrill um, the dating game, for
Speaker 1: the chance that maybe with a partner, my life would
Speaker 1: be more fulfilled. And that was a scary, scary commitment.
Speaker 1: But I remember the moment I said, I'm willing to
Speaker 1: take that risk. And so I think Michael and Marty
Speaker 1: and you know, Stephanie, I are still kind of sitting here.
Speaker 1: You guys can speak to that, and it is something
Speaker 1: that I just felt recently. I mean that's a four
Speaker 1: four months ago, and it was a big decision for
Speaker 1: me again to enter back into a committed relationship and
Speaker 1: giving up that freedom. I think what you said is
Speaker 1: so profound. Only that literally and I can't remember where
Speaker 1: it was, but I saw you and I don't know
Speaker 1: what show, and I was like, that dude is addicted
Speaker 1: to being the victim a hundred percent. I think it
Speaker 1: was on maybe Winner Games or something. You walked in
Speaker 1: you were like a mess, and I turned to my family,
Speaker 1: I'm like, he's addicted to being the victim, and that
Speaker 1: we get an identity of that and there's an unconscious gain.
Speaker 1: And what's amazing is you figured out what that gain
Speaker 1: was and you decided what is it that I really
Speaker 1: want in my life? And your friend said, do you
Speaker 1: want that is your experience or do you are you
Speaker 1: willing to be vulnerable and take a risk, let go
Speaker 1: of that identity and be in a healthy, fulfilling relationship.
Speaker 1: Just the fact that you were able to own that
Speaker 1: and then be an action of it, because people are
Speaker 1: day long talk about you know, I'm going to change,
Speaker 1: but the fact that you did it is huge and
Speaker 1: and it is it's scary to do that. These two boys,
Speaker 1: I'm just so impressed. There's so many out there they
Speaker 1: like really like I don't know, but they are. But
Speaker 1: but they had to be the boyfriend first, right, And
Speaker 1: so you're meeting these guys that are like call it manvolution.
Speaker 1: They haven't man involved yet, right, So you're you're kind
Speaker 1: of get there, like you know, their ankles or there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: they're they're dragging on the ground. But it seems like
Speaker 1: it's sorry, if I could jump in here for a moment,
Speaker 1: it seems like it's our long term girlfriends and wives
Speaker 1: are the ones that evolve us. How do you find
Speaker 1: a guy that is somehow manageable on his own? Is that?
Speaker 1: Is that what you want, well, no, but somebody who's
Speaker 1: gone through a big People don't change unless they have pain, right,
Speaker 1: and so someone who's gone through pain is motivated. People
Speaker 1: aren't motivated to change or be emotionally whole until they're
Speaker 1: in a marriage with someone they care about whatever it
Speaker 1: is and be like, oh crap. If I don't think this,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna lose something important, which is why, like in
Speaker 1: my relationship after five years, because my husband was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm gonna lose my freedom right because
Speaker 1: he had this definition of relationship where he couldn't do
Speaker 1: what he wanted to do, so we had to confront it.
Speaker 1: So there's guys out there that are doing the work,
Speaker 1: especially today, especially actually in l A because you know,
Speaker 1: we're becoming more conscious and selfware. So I just want
Speaker 1: you to find that guy instead of these kind of
Speaker 1: like you have you completely nailed it, because I'm the
Speaker 1: exact same way. The show that I was on in
Speaker 1: London for five years, I wasn't allowed to have a
Speaker 1: boyfriend unless it was a cast member. So if I
Speaker 1: had a boyfriend, I would have been fired and I
Speaker 1: would have lost my visa and I'd be back in
Speaker 1: l A. So It's one of those things that I
Speaker 1: just was always not pigeonholed, but I was, you know, single,
Speaker 1: and i'd have like, you know, kiss here and there
Speaker 1: with like a cast member, but then coming back here
Speaker 1: like on the Hills is everyone is married or in
Speaker 1: a relationship, and I thought it'd be really like, I
Speaker 1: think it's great that I'm single on the show because
Speaker 1: they get to follow, you know, different things that I do,
Speaker 1: not just you know, going to the park and playing
Speaker 1: on swings. So I feel like, for my job, I
Speaker 1: need to be single. And I also think that I
Speaker 1: don't know if I have guy fans or whatever, but
Speaker 1: I'm scared that, you know, I'm gonna lose that kind
Speaker 1: of demographic if I'm in a relationship. Like I've heard
Speaker 1: that if you're single in the business, you're more. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well you're more. You're like you're you're got You've got
Speaker 1: more more moreau, I have more reasons to talk about you.
Speaker 1: It's oh, you're daming this person or you're daming that person.
Speaker 1: New what's to stop you? Stephanie from something that Ben
Speaker 1: said that stuck out to me, where he communicated from
Speaker 1: the beginning with Jessica, Hey, this is what kind of
Speaker 1: I'm looking for being exclusive was somebuddy? Are you game
Speaker 1: for that? What's to stop you from? Maybee? Maybe making
Speaker 1: that statement to a guy that you start to be
Speaker 1: interested in, be like, Hey, this is what I'm looking for,
Speaker 1: this is what I'm willing to give. I'm busy with
Speaker 1: work and traveling, but I'm able to give you, know,
Speaker 1: this amount of time or is that something you'd want
Speaker 1: to do. I could definitely do that. I mean, one
Speaker 1: of the guys that I'm talking to lives in Chicago
Speaker 1: and we just met when I was in Hawaii and talking,
Speaker 1: but like, obviously I need to go out there, or
Speaker 1: we're like maybe saying that he was going to meet
Speaker 1: me out in London in July, but all that just
Speaker 1: seems up in the air totally. I mean, what is ben?
Speaker 1: Is your relationship long distance? It is long distance? She's
Speaker 1: a Nashville a Denver um. We set a goal where
Speaker 1: we would never leave each other without having a second
Speaker 1: or a time to see each other. Getting planned. Stephie,
Speaker 1: listen to all this and I'm gonna have to one
Speaker 1: to give advice. I honestly have zero advice to give
Speaker 1: you and I are feeling very similar things right, Marty
Speaker 1: has spoke to it, Mike spoke to it. Is you know,
Speaker 1: giving up that singleness does make us more marketable. So
Speaker 1: I had to ask the question, what do I want
Speaker 1: and what do I see and what I dream of
Speaker 1: for the future. Marty, We're sitting here and I'm reading
Speaker 1: through and a lot of you stuff is science based.
Speaker 1: A lot of it is pulling somebody together based on neuroscience. Um,
Speaker 1: and you're telling Stephanie's sitting here saying, hey, I do
Speaker 1: want at least a partner, maybe I relation, but a partner.
Speaker 1: How does she then go about doing this? Can you?
Speaker 1: Can you give us any site and how this like,
Speaker 1: how she can scientifically go out and find her her
Speaker 1: mate or her man at a bar. Yeah? I love that. Well. So,
Speaker 1: first of all, the reason why it's science, bace is
Speaker 1: because you have these like neural pathways that have been
Speaker 1: ingrained over and over again that when I put myself
Speaker 1: out there, when I do this, I get hurt, right,
Speaker 1: So it's normal for you to have your guard up
Speaker 1: because you don't feel safe. You know. It's so funny.
Speaker 1: So I went on a date with them, actually his
Speaker 1: friend Derek path Ah two weeks ago and I didn't
Speaker 1: even realize I did this. But when I sat down,
Speaker 1: say you're Derek. I walked in. I was late, and
Speaker 1: I sat literally where Michael was. I like there was
Speaker 1: like four or five ft distance. And I didn't realize
Speaker 1: that until like he went on the podcast and was saying,
Speaker 1: she sat in another country. Well, I call it. I
Speaker 1: call it so your brand puts up. I call it
Speaker 1: like a love shield. Right, It's like you can't see it,
Speaker 1: but a guy can sense it. And and this guy
Speaker 1: Derek was like, that was that was weird. So what
Speaker 1: we have to do, like if I was going to
Speaker 1: work with you, is we have to create new neural
Speaker 1: pathways and sort of get rid of all of the
Speaker 1: stories that you have going on that you're not safe
Speaker 1: and teach you how to actually be in a place
Speaker 1: where you can have what you want and be emotionally
Speaker 1: safe that you don't get hurt. But you have to
Speaker 1: be with a higher evolved man to get that. They
Speaker 1: can have the conversations that he's talking about, because the
Speaker 1: right guy will be like, yeah, let's do it. Or
Speaker 1: what then was saying, Okay, we're gonna do long distance.
Speaker 1: What are my expectations? What how are we going to
Speaker 1: set that set this up and that that's intentional. Okay,
Speaker 1: In your book How to Find a Quality Guy without
Speaker 1: going on Twitter dates? Is this something that if I read,
Speaker 1: it'll kind of be like a guide book to coaching? Totally, totally,
Speaker 1: so mean, there's three stuffs to the process. It's reveal
Speaker 1: released for juvenate. So the first thing is we have
Speaker 1: to kind of reveal what's that the unconscious of all
Speaker 1: of this, it's coming out in your your I call
Speaker 1: it leaking. You're leaking, right, You're leaking by you're sitting
Speaker 1: across You're leaking because you're saying relationships are a prison.
Speaker 1: I bet if I looked at your text messages, you're
Speaker 1: probably leaking all over the place. So we have to
Speaker 1: really get what's the damn flood. It's a flood. It's
Speaker 1: a flood. And that's what's confusing guys, is because you're
Speaker 1: so you know, you're pretty, and you're and you've got
Speaker 1: this great like public personality and you're fun and so
Speaker 1: that it's like confusing, right, So we have to we
Speaker 1: have to get to the root of that. Then we
Speaker 1: have to release that. You cannot really release it just
Speaker 1: by talking about it. I mean, I'm a fan of therapy.
Speaker 1: It's amazing, but there has to be different elements. It
Speaker 1: has to be integrated. That's the whole other conversation. But
Speaker 1: we have to release it and then rejuvenate. Is how
Speaker 1: do you date and show up looking for what you
Speaker 1: want in a way where none of that stuff is present,
Speaker 1: which means kind of teaching you how to flirt, how
Speaker 1: to be open, where to go, what to say? Um,
Speaker 1: because there's a gap right when you get rid of
Speaker 1: what doesn't work, then you're like, well, how do I
Speaker 1: do it differently? How do I be strong and safe
Speaker 1: but also be approachable? Okay, what I was gonna take notes,
Speaker 1: but like I'm I have it in my brain. It's
Speaker 1: in the book perfect you bring books for us, by
Speaker 1: the way, No, but I'll get you. And my story, my, my,
Speaker 1: my story of the guy in the tahoe is quite
Speaker 1: quite interesting as well. I have one quick question, Michael's
Speaker 1: got something I'm with texting? Yes, are do you have
Speaker 1: any theories or rules that girls shouldn't text first but
Speaker 1: they should respond right away? Because that's kind of what
Speaker 1: I do. Respond when it is appropriate to respond. Don't
Speaker 1: play games? Okay? Good? I also have what I call
Speaker 1: the rule of thumb, which maybe you guys can appreciate this.
Speaker 1: Don't send a text message longer than the thumb. Oh god,
Speaker 1: that's good. That is good because first of all, guys,
Speaker 1: guys have like seven thousand words a day and women
Speaker 1: have twenty one thousand words a day. So when they
Speaker 1: get something like this, they're literally like, oh god, I
Speaker 1: went hearing we need to talk. Even where my wife
Speaker 1: sends me a long text like that, I'll look at
Speaker 1: it and I'll put my phone down and kind of
Speaker 1: prepare myself. I have no idea what it's going to
Speaker 1: be about, and I'll just like pick it up later
Speaker 1: and be like, oh god, I mean I can I
Speaker 1: can look at them. So so number one rule of thumb,
Speaker 1: that's right, do not just don't just don't. Okay. So
Speaker 1: is it wrong that I never text first, that I
Speaker 1: wait for them, but then I just respond the minute
Speaker 1: I get it. Well, it depends right where you are,
Speaker 1: because you have to meet a guy's energy. So if
Speaker 1: he's texting you all the time and then you're just
Speaker 1: doing like one word answers or you're never initiating, he's
Speaker 1: not going to be clear. Men are simple? Is yes,
Speaker 1: we're children, so they need to know they needed like
Speaker 1: approach approach, especially today, men are really super hyper vigilant
Speaker 1: about over approaching. So if you never, like I've had
Speaker 1: clients the guys be like, I just you. You never
Speaker 1: reached out, like I don't get it because we've gone
Speaker 1: on like three or four days. So then it's the like, hey,
Speaker 1: I was thinking of you, or you know, like there's
Speaker 1: this cool thing, like what do you think you know?
Speaker 1: So you want to and that's that prison thing you
Speaker 1: got going It'll be like two days full on talking
Speaker 1: face time, but then like five days can go by
Speaker 1: and we don't talk, and I always want to be like, hey,
Speaker 1: but you can, you can, you can really because I
Speaker 1: don't want to make it look like I'm but I
Speaker 1: don't want to. If the guys really interested, then number one,
Speaker 1: you'll probably keep communicating throughout. There won't be like a
Speaker 1: week that goes by, in my opinion. And number two,
Speaker 1: if you do reach out and he's actually interested, he'll
Speaker 1: be happy to hear from you. Exactly, it's not but really,
Speaker 1: but here's what's more interesting. Why why are you asking
Speaker 1: those questions? Like I don't want you to be like
Speaker 1: I don't want to do that. You're like totally all
Speaker 1: in your head about like this big manipulation to try
Speaker 1: and get a guy to do that. No, I'm just
Speaker 1: really worried that, Like I'm being too much, I know,
Speaker 1: but you're I don't want to be because I like
Speaker 1: literally in London I learned be mean to keep them keen. Okay,
Speaker 1: that is not what we do with dating with dignity.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. You will attract a guy who
Speaker 1: is in it for the chase only if you do that. Great, Okay,
Speaker 1: because I don't want that. I just gonna be myself
Speaker 1: and nice. I want you to be nice too. I
Speaker 1: am nice. Text Oh my god, I want to text him.
Speaker 1: Can help you say? I can figure out what you
Speaker 1: should say. Do you know, Stephanie, what is there anything
Speaker 1: that comes up for you when Morty talks about like
Speaker 1: what you're scared of or your whole mindset about relationship
Speaker 1: is a prison? Like do you know where that comes
Speaker 1: from for you? Like why you have that outlook? I've
Speaker 1: just never had a serious relationship. I've never had a
Speaker 1: year relationship. My longest one was when I was seventeen,
Speaker 1: and always eleven months. That there's something to that. And
Speaker 1: by the way, you guys noticed how her energy is
Speaker 1: totally softened just in this conversation. You came in and
Speaker 1: you were like, you were like business girl, like whatever,
Speaker 1: and now you're like, you're open. There's a difference, right, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I agree. I totally agree. Yes. So I it's weird
Speaker 1: because my parents went on a blind date and they
Speaker 1: are so in love best friends, been married like forty
Speaker 1: years or something, and my brother and his wife been
Speaker 1: together twelve years, obsessed with each other. So I got
Speaker 1: all these amazing role models, and oh, I just I
Speaker 1: think I've set the bar too high. But when I
Speaker 1: see true love like I do with my family, like
Speaker 1: and I know it exists, I keep waiting for that
Speaker 1: because I know it does exist, not set. You can't say,
Speaker 1: like you just said, I want true love and then
Speaker 1: like over here you're like, but I don't. I just
Speaker 1: want a venn diagram thing. Oh that's like later when
Speaker 1: I'm ready to get married. Okay, so you have to
Speaker 1: figure out how to find find your ven diagram guy,
Speaker 1: what was your role in your family? So? Like, were
Speaker 1: you the good girl? Were you the overachiever? Were you
Speaker 1: the rebel? What was your role um. At first, I
Speaker 1: was a really good girl in science club and horse
Speaker 1: BacT writing. And then I got introduced to drugs when
Speaker 1: I was fifteen. So that was very bad. They're like
Speaker 1: not just a nice drug like weed, like very heavy ones. Um.
Speaker 1: So I was odd a couple of times in and
Speaker 1: out of rehabs and was arrested twice. I mean, I
Speaker 1: had a very long struggle with drugs. Um And then yeah,
Speaker 1: so I was, you know, a nightmare. I was a rebel.
Speaker 1: Then in my early twenties, I like got together started
Speaker 1: working and I haven't like so then you started to
Speaker 1: be an achiever. Yeah, And all I want to do,
Speaker 1: like the reason I worked so hard, All I want
Speaker 1: to do is just give my parents everything. I just
Speaker 1: want to give them a million dollars. They don't need it,
Speaker 1: but like they, I mean, they saved my life so
Speaker 1: many times, Like my mom broke into my window for
Speaker 1: one of them. Like, I just love them so much
Speaker 1: that the reason I work is to make them proud
Speaker 1: of me, to like say thank you for saving me. So,
Speaker 1: if I can sort of pickyback up on what you
Speaker 1: were saying, my guess is that because you were a
Speaker 1: trouble you know, for a while that now you're sort
Speaker 1: of like over compensating, right, the like am I good
Speaker 1: enough yet? Am I good enough? Yet? Am I good enough? Right?
Speaker 1: And so that's part of all of this stuff. So
Speaker 1: your your guard is coming from that time in your life.
Speaker 1: Then you're getting all this validation from being the achiever, right?
Speaker 1: Is it false validation if I'm getting it from you
Speaker 1: know press and no, no, no, it's real. But it's
Speaker 1: your safe, happy, comfy zone, right because you never really
Speaker 1: had a time because you're either in trouble right or
Speaker 1: you're like really successful, and so now you're getting all
Speaker 1: this validation from being successful. So that's why it's like
Speaker 1: changing it up, right, Like Ben was talking about, changing
Speaker 1: the identity is really scary because you've only been drug
Speaker 1: girl or achiever girl. So who are you? I don't know.
Speaker 1: All we need to figure it, Marty. Before we wrap
Speaker 1: up and our time is done with you, M gonna
Speaker 1: ask one more question and Ben maybe you can chime
Speaker 1: in about this too. So I know in your book
Speaker 1: and everything you talk about um increasingly confusing gender rules
Speaker 1: and this is something from the outside being married looking
Speaker 1: in with all of the meet Too movement, everything like that.
Speaker 1: What is your kind of mindset with men approaching women
Speaker 1: nowadays and you know, giving them compliments and how do
Speaker 1: how do guys know what to say to women's and Ben,
Speaker 1: did you come across that since you've been you know,
Speaker 1: obviously you're not saying anymore, but when you were single,
Speaker 1: did you did any of that come into your head
Speaker 1: when you were dating? I mean, yeah, I think my
Speaker 1: the best advice I've ever been given is just to
Speaker 1: be like, unashamably uh yourself. And so when it comes
Speaker 1: to what I'm saying or what I'm doing, I have
Speaker 1: to respond and always talk from a place of uh. Now,
Speaker 1: as I get older what I'm actually trying to feel
Speaker 1: and say, I'm done jumping around and trying to play
Speaker 1: games and not communicate clearly. I have to just speak
Speaker 1: from what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, and what I
Speaker 1: will out of this certain situation. And then honestly, the
Speaker 1: communication feels a lot clearer and better, and it's helped
Speaker 1: my relationship so far. So I guess in the four
Speaker 1: weeks or four months that I've been dating, it's working.
Speaker 1: I think a big thing is and there's a new
Speaker 1: study out this is that one of the things that
Speaker 1: men are now worried about on a regular basis that
Speaker 1: never existed before is do you think I'm a perpetrator? Yeah? Right?
Speaker 1: So just imagine the average guy who's like texting or
Speaker 1: can we meet for coffee? Or can I walk you
Speaker 1: to your car? The back of his mind, he's like,
Speaker 1: if I ask her to walk, you know, I can
Speaker 1: walk her to a car. As she think I'm gonna
Speaker 1: like raper is she getting right? So that's why it's
Speaker 1: really important, um as our roles and the power sort
Speaker 1: of is shifting. UM is for women to really be
Speaker 1: in there sort of alcohol it feminine energy, but to
Speaker 1: really do those things like let a guy know where
Speaker 1: you stand and what you want. And that's through direct communication,
Speaker 1: verbal and nonverbal, because a guy, especially equality guy, is
Speaker 1: going to air on the side of like pulling back um,
Speaker 1: And so you've got to make it loud and clear,
Speaker 1: like what's okay and what's not okay? All right? That
Speaker 1: is that it is right there. The best conversation that
Speaker 1: we can have right now is where men and women
Speaker 1: are coming together to say how the world can we
Speaker 1: date each other well and make each other feel the
Speaker 1: most respected, the most appreciated, and the most enjoyed through
Speaker 1: that without coming off creepy. If you could become an
Speaker 1: expert in that. I am definitely reading your new book
Speaker 1: as well, Awesome Dating with Duty. It's all about dignity.
Speaker 1: Where else can our listeners find you there more? You
Speaker 1: can go to our podcast The Dating Dan all Right,
Speaker 1: love it now subscribing now you know, come on, I'll
Speaker 1: coach you on the show. Oh I'm not letting easy
Speaker 1: leave this building without Okay, Marty, thank you for being time,
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you so much. All right. For everyone
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Speaker 1: weight for good. All right, Well, that was a lot
Speaker 1: of fun with Marty. I think we all three of
Speaker 1: us learned something there that the dating part of life
Speaker 1: is maybe one of the most difficult. It's always intrigued.
Speaker 1: I mean, I think you can make a really good
Speaker 1: living right now being an expert in dating. Uh. I mean,
Speaker 1: this whole podcast is successful on the idea that you're
Speaker 1: bad at dating, So just talking about dating seems to
Speaker 1: be a hot topic today. So it's it's it's people
Speaker 1: like Marnie who study the art of dating UM and
Speaker 1: comes up with advice for people like myself and definitely
Speaker 1: even you, Michael, you're married, but you're still dating. You're
Speaker 1: still dating your wife in a way that uh, I
Speaker 1: think I'm always interested to talk to you. Brought up
Speaker 1: a good point and I'll close with this at the
Speaker 1: at the very end of this that conversation, there's there's
Speaker 1: a topic that I think will be it coming more
Speaker 1: increasingly more and more. UM talked about uh in the
Speaker 1: generation we live in, and it's how do how do
Speaker 1: men respond to women? And how do women respond to
Speaker 1: men in in the dating world? And how do men
Speaker 1: now do it without feeling like a creep? And how
Speaker 1: do we flirt both sex? Is flirt with each other?
Speaker 1: Or how do you flirt with your partner if you're
Speaker 1: interested in the same sex? How do you flirt in
Speaker 1: today's world with outcoming off as a creep or like
Speaker 1: you're trying to get somewhere Um that you maybe not.
Speaker 1: So that is a conversation that I'm sure this podcast
Speaker 1: we'll talk about for a long time, but it's not
Speaker 1: why we're here. And Michael, I know there's more to
Speaker 1: talk about and more emails to read. Absolutely mark on emails,
Speaker 1: I do indeed. You know when people want dating advice,
Speaker 1: they come to their favorite dating podcast hosts that My
Speaker 1: cost and Ben Higginson. This is from Anonymous. She says,
Speaker 1: my boyfriend and I've been fighting because we both feel
Speaker 1: the other doesn't do enough. I always say it's easy
Speaker 1: to buy flowers every once in a while, and he
Speaker 1: always says, well, I can do little things for him too.
Speaker 1: So my issue was what is the equivalent of flowers
Speaker 1: for a guy? He tries to eat healthy, so treats
Speaker 1: her out of the question. And I'm a grad student.
Speaker 1: I want to do things to make him happy and
Speaker 1: feel appreciated, but I'm never creative and I can't think
Speaker 1: of anything good. Help. I suck at gifts. Do you
Speaker 1: have any suggestions? All right, Anonymous? I do have one
Speaker 1: that came to came to mind that my wife and
Speaker 1: I do together, and that is right notes. So get
Speaker 1: some post it notes. Okay, they're likes that, the cvs
Speaker 1: whatever it is, and go get some. If he gets
Speaker 1: you flowers or whatever, or even if you want to
Speaker 1: do it, put write a note, write something sweet, say
Speaker 1: how proud of you, proud of him you are, whatever
Speaker 1: the reason. Maybe stick it on the mirror in front
Speaker 1: of his side of the sink. It in his pocket, yeah,
Speaker 1: put it in yeah, yeah, somewhere and just put it
Speaker 1: so he sees it. And I'm telling you that'll that
Speaker 1: will melt him. Wait, that's the best idea, Michael. You
Speaker 1: need to stop being so great. Tell my wife that
Speaker 1: that's good you think, uh, you know, it's all it's
Speaker 1: different for each person. I'm a big bourbon fan, and
Speaker 1: so if somebody were to buy me bourbon, it feels
Speaker 1: like me getting flowers. Like if I walk home to
Speaker 1: a new bottle bourbon I've never had, I'd be jacked,
Speaker 1: like so pumped up, and just like flowers, it's gone
Speaker 1: over time, so then you'd have to get a new one.
Speaker 1: And you know, even I really like the note thing, though,
Speaker 1: I mean I'm thinking I'm not like, I really don't
Speaker 1: love the small little acts, like you know, I don't
Speaker 1: love gifts because it kind of stressed me out. But
Speaker 1: the idea of getting a note and opening up my
Speaker 1: like lunch pail or opening up my suit jacket and
Speaker 1: seeing a note from my significant other. Really, I'm just
Speaker 1: imagine it would melt me. Oh my gosh, you should
Speaker 1: do that to jess keV when she's flying home, like
Speaker 1: right when she thought her like luggage and then I
Speaker 1: get it. We don't want it. She'll listen to this,
Speaker 1: so I don't damn it freaking let her here. Those
Speaker 1: are good pieces of advice, guys, A couple of ghost
Speaker 1: of emails. So we got a lot of these. Michelle says,
Speaker 1: I went to Australia a little bit ago and dated
Speaker 1: a guy. There was an immediate connection and I had
Speaker 1: to come back to the States. And since I've come back,
Speaker 1: he has completely ghosted me. There has been no communications since.
Speaker 1: There feels like there was no closure, but it's been
Speaker 1: hard for me to move on. Have you guys ever
Speaker 1: ghosted someone or ben ghosted? What does it mean? Any advice? Mark?
Speaker 1: How often you know? Do you get these types of emails?
Speaker 1: About a lot? I really do. We do get them
Speaker 1: a lot. And it's sad. It's sad that this is
Speaker 1: how we treat each other in this day and age,
Speaker 1: the generation we're living in. As you put it, bad.
Speaker 1: It's sad that we do this to each other because
Speaker 1: a little bit of communication. Look, if you live in
Speaker 1: America and he lives in Australia, there wasn't a very
Speaker 1: bright future anyway. You might have tried a long distance
Speaker 1: for a while, but even so you still let the
Speaker 1: person know. Hey, gosh, that was great. I really enjoyed
Speaker 1: that time. I don't think it's realistic for us to
Speaker 1: pursue this any further, but best it's uncomfortable. They don't
Speaker 1: want to communicate that. Yeah, So, Mark, is this a
Speaker 1: thing that I mean, was happening in your day? You
Speaker 1: remember ghosting being a thing I've on this very show
Speaker 1: talked about being I called the triple ghost. I was
Speaker 1: ghosted by three consecutive women, one after about two days,
Speaker 1: one after a month of dating, and one after two
Speaker 1: months of dating. They just vanished off the face of
Speaker 1: the earth because they didn't want to tell me, look,
Speaker 1: it's over. They just said it's better to stop answering
Speaker 1: my phone and never speak to him again. But how
Speaker 1: many times did you try? Like, did you try like
Speaker 1: five texts? Like in a phone call and tex I'm
Speaker 1: afraid to say, but there were a lot of phone
Speaker 1: calls I was. I tread a lot more than I
Speaker 1: should have. Probably I should have gotten the message sooner.
Speaker 1: But you know how you do that in your brain,
Speaker 1: You're like, oh, they're just busy. They justify everything for
Speaker 1: someone someone Someone's the time change. I just I don't know.
Speaker 1: I mean, I've been there too, even when I was
Speaker 1: dating and and in single I've been ghosted. I did
Speaker 1: ghost but at the same time, I guess it's easier
Speaker 1: from a marriage perspective, or it's like now it's like, well,
Speaker 1: clearly they're not into you. Because when I was really
Speaker 1: into somebody, I would keep texting them, or I'd keep
Speaker 1: contacting them so or I would tell them, Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be unavailable for the next you know, or
Speaker 1: whatever it may be. So I don't know. So Michelle,
Speaker 1: I know this isn't the news you want to hear.
Speaker 1: But it's over. It's over, and he just doesn't want
Speaker 1: to tell you that. And Jamie has another one. She says,
Speaker 1: I met to got through work and he asked if
Speaker 1: you if I wanted to grab drinks. So I asked
Speaker 1: him if he wanted to grab drinks with me, and
Speaker 1: he said yes. We had so much in common tends
Speaker 1: to talk about. He kissed me good night. He texted
Speaker 1: me when he when I got home, and I responded saying, yes,
Speaker 1: thank you for tonight. I had a fun time. All
Speaker 1: slas signs pointed to him wanting to go out again.
Speaker 1: He didn't respond to me, saying at a fun time,
Speaker 1: but that's okay. The next day he texted me again,
Speaker 1: asked me how my day was going. I said, my
Speaker 1: day is going great. How about yours? No response. A
Speaker 1: week has gone by and I haven't heard from him
Speaker 1: at all. Am I being ghosted? Why would he text
Speaker 1: me after the date if he wasn't interested. I'm so confused,
Speaker 1: But I do not want to text him first. He's
Speaker 1: seeing someone else? Is that what it is has to be?
Speaker 1: I bet that that relationship was moving faster than this
Speaker 1: girl coming up to him being like, hey, let's grab
Speaker 1: a drink. So he was being polite. They worked together,
Speaker 1: he had fun with her. But then maybe he's been
Speaker 1: talking to another girl for like a month and that
Speaker 1: was progressing faster. And the fact that he he would
Speaker 1: text her back but he wouldn't respond to what she
Speaker 1: ask that's weird. That's a power play. I think that's
Speaker 1: just that's rude. It is he knows exactly what he's doing.
Speaker 1: So this is if Stephanie's going to create a story,
Speaker 1: I'm going to create a story of my favorite game.
Speaker 1: This is how I really got Jessica. Let me tell
Speaker 1: you what he's doing is he's gonna play. He's not interested,
Speaker 1: but he doesn't want to be a jerk and he
Speaker 1: doesn't want to feel like a jerk internally. So what
Speaker 1: he's gonna do is he's gonna text these random text
Speaker 1: at random times that make no sense and never respond
Speaker 1: so that if ever comes back to him through one
Speaker 1: of her friends at work that you ghost at her,
Speaker 1: he'll say, no, I texted look at my phone, I
Speaker 1: texted her here, I texted her there. I just wasn't
Speaker 1: getting her text or I wasn't seeing it, or this
Speaker 1: was just confusing. It got confusing at the end because
Speaker 1: he does not want to have the excuse on him,
Speaker 1: especially from somebody who knows people. He knows that he
Speaker 1: just left her high and dry. Well done, then, sir,
Speaker 1: I've been. They're done. That do you think any of
Speaker 1: it too? With with kind of still commute, still continuing
Speaker 1: the communication is like keeping her in his back pocket. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I don't disagree with that. Actually, I think that here
Speaker 1: is the heart. Like the the ugliest part is, like
Speaker 1: Mark said, it's a little bit of a power play
Speaker 1: where um, he can keep her asking these questions without
Speaker 1: just closing it off and having the confrontation. That doesn't
Speaker 1: allow any one person to have any more power. So yeah,
Speaker 1: at the end of this, the ugly, the really ugly
Speaker 1: part of this is that he's just dragging her along
Speaker 1: until what happens one day when he gives her the
Speaker 1: phone call just in case it doesn't work out with
Speaker 1: this other person. If Stephanie's right, he can give her
Speaker 1: the phone call and be like, you know, I know
Speaker 1: it got weird for us, and I know it got confusing,
Speaker 1: but I'm still interested because she's still holding on. She's
Speaker 1: still wondering is this ghosting? Is he not interested or not?
Speaker 1: So it's not ghosting. He's benching her. He's keeping her
Speaker 1: on the bench in case the person is in the game.
Speaker 1: Right now, it falls out of the game. She's a
Speaker 1: role player. That's terrible. It is terrible. It sounds like
Speaker 1: advice he got from some dude, Like, dude, if you
Speaker 1: want a girl to be eating out of your hand.
Speaker 1: You get what you do. You text her and when
Speaker 1: she res bounded to you, you don't respond. But we're
Speaker 1: the worst. That's gonna be my main message for my
Speaker 1: daughters when they get older. Guys are the worst. My
Speaker 1: dad when we did never get married. He we're watching
Speaker 1: The Batchelor actually this is like seven years ago, and
Speaker 1: he was like, Seth, would you ever go on that show?
Speaker 1: And I was like, hell, yeah, I'll be the bachelotte.
Speaker 1: He goes no, no, no on the Bachelor, like one
Speaker 1: of those girls. And I was like, oh, Dad, Like
Speaker 1: you don't know. I'm not competitive, you know that. And
Speaker 1: he was like, so you would never like fight for
Speaker 1: a guy and be very desperate to you know, get
Speaker 1: that guy or get married. And I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I just hand him over probably like I don't like competition.
Speaker 1: And I was like, Stephanie, that makes me so happy.
Speaker 1: I want you to know that, mom, and I don't
Speaker 1: want you to get married ever. We will support you forever.
Speaker 1: We've been married for forty years. You never get married.
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't secretly miserable. No. My dad just
Speaker 1: doesn't like he sees all these like crazy girls going
Speaker 1: for like a guy and it's like in his mind,
Speaker 1: he's just like my daughter is like acting like that,
Speaker 1: so desperate to get a man, Like I need to
Speaker 1: tell her like she doesn't need one, Like we're not
Speaker 1: the kind of family where it's like we want grandkids.
Speaker 1: But I see what you're saying better than my daughter
Speaker 1: is strong and independent and has her own life that
Speaker 1: is out there begging for a guy somewhere single and
Speaker 1: talking to dating coaches whoa the team at the Help
Speaker 1: I Suck At Dating podcast. We love to keep our
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Speaker 1: history of help I Second Dating. We gotta come on
Speaker 1: podcast crashers during our show here, Hey, Jerry, is there
Speaker 1: anything that you want to tell the listeners? Uh? Oh,
Speaker 1: we got you guys so good. I bet your listeners
Speaker 1: didn't even notice that. You probably liked it more. Actually,
Speaker 1: how did it go? What do we miss? Man? We
Speaker 1: got deep? Yeah? Yeah? Can I like stay on this podcast?
Speaker 1: I don't want to go back to podcast after this
Speaker 1: dating coach on It was epic. I've learned so much.
Speaker 1: You guys had Marnion. Yeah she was fantastic. Yeah she's lovely. Ben,
Speaker 1: did you were you able to share anything with the
Speaker 1: listeners about how great it is to be not sucky
Speaker 1: at dating? I just talked about how my weaknesses and
Speaker 1: dating have brought me to find a person that compliments
Speaker 1: my weaknesses with their greatness, and as a result, we're
Speaker 1: going to flourish like a phoenix into the sunset. Dean
Speaker 1: and Jared on your time help by Second Dating, do
Speaker 1: you feel like you became more educated and any better
Speaker 1: understanding love sex? I don't want a relationship, I don't
Speaker 1: want to speak on Jared's behalf, but when he started
Speaker 1: a co hosting this podcast, he was single. This guy
Speaker 1: is getting married in literally three months. Yep, I got
Speaker 1: dumber since coming on this podcast. And I actually I
Speaker 1: started this relationship single, went through a relationship, uh, and
Speaker 1: now I'm single again. So at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not really learning too much, but you're just
Speaker 1: learning more about yourself, which will set you up better
Speaker 1: for the future. When second dating at his like weddings,
Speaker 1: thank and so. So, Jared and I were at a
Speaker 1: club in Connecticut this past weekend together and we like
Speaker 1: had this little section to ourselves and we're standing in
Speaker 1: front the whole crowd, and Jared just starts looking at
Speaker 1: me and he starts chanting, help I suck at dating.
Speaker 1: He starts get the whole crowd into it. Help I
Speaker 1: suck at dating? And ever since then, I think at
Speaker 1: his wedding, I'm going to be trying to do the
Speaker 1: same thing in front of everyone. Just for full clearance,
Speaker 1: Diana and I were the only too chanting that the
Speaker 1: whole club. Diana and I were just in the corner.
Speaker 1: Help I suck it? Yeah, you're getting a lot of
Speaker 1: bad looks. Um, hey, but guys, thanks for hosting our
Speaker 1: podcast for us while we were well. I guess Vanessa
Speaker 1: and I hosted padcast today. It well was great, cal paines, guys, cool,
Speaker 1: Where's Jana? Janna did Almost Famous with wells? Okay, so
Speaker 1: they did that, and I did wind Down with Actually
Speaker 1: we got Yeah, we got real emotional, actually cried. I
Speaker 1: mean that's obviously no surprise. But wait, we literally had
Speaker 1: every podcast we have Almost Famous help I suck at Dating,
Speaker 1: pad Cast and wind Out. We're missing scrubbing In. That's
Speaker 1: the only one. Scrubbing In have a suburb. They just
Speaker 1: go norms. They did their own thing. Come on, let's
Speaker 1: definitely talked about her looming date with Derek. No, but
Speaker 1: I just told Amy that you asked me out when
Speaker 1: you left. Yeah, okay, where that wasn't a secret. I
Speaker 1: was turning embarrass The football game that we went to
Speaker 1: together just reminded me that, yeah, oh you didn't remember. No,
Speaker 1: I just can we put some context in there, like
Speaker 1: right through me? I don't really and I always think
Speaker 1: that things are just I thought we spent a magical
Speaker 1: afternoon together at a at a football game Ram's Eagles
Speaker 1: week sixteen. It was so much fun. And then you
Speaker 1: asked her out on a date after that? Well no.
Speaker 1: I come to find out, even just before they started
Speaker 1: recording this episode, that she was trying to flirt with
Speaker 1: the guys two rows ahead of us, and she had
Speaker 1: a big crush on Sean McVeigh, who's the head coach
Speaker 1: of the ramp. I know who Sean McVeigh. He's married.
Speaker 1: Why don't you find he's just a girlfriend? Was my
Speaker 1: coach when I was played for the Roads. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you're my connection. Hey, Stephanie, Just so you know, I'm
Speaker 1: still sitting right here. You have your favorite. Wait, that's
Speaker 1: actually awesome, though I think I think you were too young. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's what it is. Sure, And that was on my
Speaker 1: phone too much? Remember, Oh, that sounds like something I
Speaker 1: would say. I don't like phones. You're on your phone
Speaker 1: literally twice as much as I was the entire time
Speaker 1: if I was looking at the coach. Let's talk about
Speaker 1: Derek's and yours day coming up. I'm twenty seven, turned
Speaker 1: twenty next month. Let's talk next month. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: my birthday. I'm April. I'm April. Oh it's April month.
Speaker 1: Oh I guess it's April now. I can't realized I'm
Speaker 1: April seventeen. Oh my god, we're both aria so much
Speaker 1: comment already work? Are you going to this weekend? I'm
Speaker 1: not too. Areas burned? Horrible? Um? Well we can talk later. Great,
Speaker 1: can't wait. The coach wants me to start dating. Um Ben,
Speaker 1: How is your relationship with Jess going? I mean fantastic,
Speaker 1: It's going really good. Yeah, she's a sweetheart. I really
Speaker 1: just have had a blast. It's been fun. It's made
Speaker 1: my life like a lot better and a little like
Speaker 1: a lot more clear. Yeah, I guess overall just there's
Speaker 1: like no issues, which is crazy, Like my it's just
Speaker 1: like really fun and it's exciting and my life has
Speaker 1: just gotten better with her in it. So um but yeah,
Speaker 1: overall really great. And uh I spent my birthday last
Speaker 1: week with her, um and she found me my favorite bourbon. So,
Speaker 1: like I said earlier on the podcast, the replacement for
Speaker 1: flowers for man is a bottle of bourbon. I will say.
Speaker 1: I'm living to follow you guys on Instagram because you
Speaker 1: guys are both so adorable everything. Every single picture you
Speaker 1: guys post, I got a little fluttered in my heart
Speaker 1: and I'm like, that's just the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Speaker 1: You're always there to support me, to love me. Well. Um,
Speaker 1: and I feel better after coming out of this podcast.
Speaker 1: I do. I feel more prepared for my relations ship
Speaker 1: with her, my friendships with all of you. And that's
Speaker 1: what this podcast is all about. You boys are just
Speaker 1: the cutest, most adorable piece beautiful ever. Yeah, I'd like
Speaker 1: I've had you can keep really are the cutest sweetest guys? Well,
Speaker 1: we try, you guys are Dean's the cutest anyway for
Speaker 1: us all single ladies, let me wrap this up with
Speaker 1: some thank you as we do. You think third love
Speaker 1: go to third love dot com slash Vanessa off today
Speaker 1: Noon go to Noon dot com slash Dean just not
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Speaker 1: and download the app for more lovely um And to
Speaker 1: all our listeners out there, thank you so much for
Speaker 1: listening to this episode of Help I Suck At Dating.
Speaker 1: To our hosts today, Mike, Ben and Stephanie, thank you
Speaker 1: guys so much for being in on our elaborate apper
Speaker 1: pools April Fools joke pol Pool story bro Um. We'll
Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode of Help I
Speaker 1: Suck at Dating. Be shure to tune in because maybe
Speaker 1: we'll suck a little bit less. Follow Help I Suck
Speaker 1: At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared on I Heart
Speaker 1: Radio or wherever you listen to podcast