WEBVTT - Dating with Dignity 0:00:00.560 --> 0:00:04.439 Hell I thought your favorite with Mike Benn and Stephanie 0:00:04.800 --> 0:00:11.560 and I heart radio podcast. All right, we are back again. 0:00:11.800 --> 0:00:14.680 It's me Mike Cosson with Ben Higgins and Stephanie Pratt 0:00:14.880 --> 0:00:17.439 and we're here one more week again as we usually are, 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:20.959 to help you at dating because we all suck. Oh no, 0:00:21.280 --> 0:00:24.360 I think I'm just the sucky one. Now. Well, Ben 0:00:24.360 --> 0:00:27.400 has a new girlfriend. Yeah, I feel like I'm hitting 0:00:27.400 --> 0:00:32.440 my stride. You're doing something right over there. Girlfriend. Her 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:34.839 name is By the way, I gotta start this by apologizing, 0:00:34.920 --> 0:00:37.280 I've got I got the flu, so I'm gonna be 0:00:37.320 --> 0:00:40.200 a little stuffy, a little bit congested, and that makes 0:00:40.240 --> 0:00:44.640 for a great podcast host. Um. But my girlfriend's name 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:49.360 is Jessica Clark. She was born and continues to reside 0:00:49.400 --> 0:00:54.160 in Nashville, Tennessee. Uh. She is an old miss UH 0:00:54.440 --> 0:00:58.080 graduate and is a very very sweet person. So we've 0:00:58.120 --> 0:01:01.240 been dating for four months now, so I'm new, I'm fresh, 0:01:01.400 --> 0:01:04.039 but I am in a relationship. Okay, then you still 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:11.160 probably need some advice. Yes, yes, I obviously need advice. Michael, 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:14.360 is your relationship going. I know nothing about dating. I'm 0:01:14.360 --> 0:01:16.640 probably the worst that dating because I'm married. So I 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:19.200 really know nothing about. It's one of those I feel 0:01:19.200 --> 0:01:20.440 like I would have that fear if I was thrown 0:01:20.480 --> 0:01:22.320 back into the dating pool. I wouldn't know what to do. 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:25.679 I really, I really don't know. Like I think justin 0:01:25.760 --> 0:01:28.039 four years are being married. I think things have changed enough. 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:31.959 Maybe Well, we have a really special guest on this 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:36.440 week's episode. Martie Batista is coming in studio fantastic and 0:01:36.640 --> 0:01:41.160 she is a relationship guru with advice. So I also 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:43.720 want to know what she thinks about how you were 0:01:44.360 --> 0:01:47.280 how you chase Janna. I think that is like the 0:01:47.280 --> 0:01:50.600 coolest story ever. Well, thank you. He literally on Twitter 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:53.560 he was like, I'm coming to your show four days later. Yeah, 0:01:53.760 --> 0:01:55.400 So I can't wait to hear what she thinks about 0:01:55.400 --> 0:01:58.520 that approach, because I think the direct approach is everything. 0:01:58.960 --> 0:02:02.440 All right, So that's she's coming on later, which is great. 0:02:02.760 --> 0:02:05.160 Do you think? I mean, Stephanie, you're the one here 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:07.720 that's single. Are you sick and tired of people trying 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:09.560 to give you advice on how a date? Are you 0:02:09.600 --> 0:02:13.600 into this? I love it? Really I stuck at dating. 0:02:13.680 --> 0:02:18.120 I feel like nowadays since al right, Ben, you are 0:02:18.280 --> 0:02:21.400 new and do a relationship. Stephanie you're still single. How 0:02:21.520 --> 0:02:25.400 much of it is through social media? Is that like 0:02:25.720 --> 0:02:28.600 just the only dating pool? I don't actually because I 0:02:28.600 --> 0:02:32.160 don't really I'm not a good social media person, so 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:35.600 I have never looked at messages or d ms. I 0:02:35.639 --> 0:02:39.359 don't get notifications. I mean, for ALLABLY know, Garrett Headland 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:41.080 could be like hitting me up and I don't know. 0:02:42.240 --> 0:02:44.920 And I also I'm really scared of dating apps. So 0:02:45.400 --> 0:02:49.400 I really like advice because that is like the way 0:02:49.400 --> 0:02:53.080 now everyone is online and like even Wells, you know, 0:02:53.160 --> 0:02:58.360 met Sarah online? Did you meet your girlfriend Jessica online? 0:02:58.840 --> 0:03:02.720 Can we have a little story to time? Okay, So 0:03:02.760 --> 0:03:05.840 this is how Jessica and I met. I was in Nashville, 0:03:05.840 --> 0:03:08.760 Tennessee for a fundraiser. I was staying at the Hilton, 0:03:08.880 --> 0:03:12.400 which is downtown Nashville, right next to uh Bridge Town Arena, 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:14.760 which is where the Predators play, And there was a 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:17.720 hockey team checking into the hotel and I got curious 0:03:17.800 --> 0:03:19.239 and I was like, I wonder what hockey team this was. 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:21.040 I'm gonna go up to my room and get on 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:23.800 Instagram and look at the top post from this location 0:03:23.880 --> 0:03:26.320 because somebody's got to posted from here. And it did. 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:28.520 Will help me find out what team it is. So 0:03:28.520 --> 0:03:30.400 I went upstairs and I got on top post and 0:03:30.520 --> 0:03:33.400 Jessica's picture popped up and I saw it. I was like, 0:03:33.440 --> 0:03:36.080 that girl's stunning. Who is this? So then I did 0:03:36.160 --> 0:03:38.640 what every normal person does. I clicked on it and 0:03:38.760 --> 0:03:42.920 started creeping on her. And I noticed it right now 0:03:42.960 --> 0:03:49.080 by the way on my phone. Yeahs and Jessica um. 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:51.360 And So I saw this and I was like, I 0:03:51.400 --> 0:03:53.320 don't know what to do. I'm not gonna message her 0:03:54.000 --> 0:03:56.600 because that's weird. I'm just gonna screenshot it. And then 0:03:56.600 --> 0:03:59.360 at some point I'm feeling confident I'm gonna messenger, so 0:03:59.360 --> 0:04:03.560 I screenshot and her profile totally forgot about it. Six 0:04:03.600 --> 0:04:06.040 months later, I was cleaning out my phonks had ran 0:04:06.080 --> 0:04:09.400 out of storage, came across the picture and I was 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:12.280 feeling good. That night. It was Thanksgiving evening, I had 0:04:12.360 --> 0:04:14.800 drink a little bit, and so I messaged her and 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:19.840 I said, hey, Jessica Clark, Um, you said, Jessica Clark, Yeah, 0:04:19.880 --> 0:04:21.719 it's kind of yeah. I just felt like that. I 0:04:21.760 --> 0:04:24.960 like the full name approach, yeah, you know, the let's 0:04:25.000 --> 0:04:28.680 be formal at the start. And so what happened was 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:30.680 I messed her, I said, I don't. I don't want 0:04:30.680 --> 0:04:32.040 you to ask too many questions because I don't want 0:04:32.080 --> 0:04:33.400 to tell you how I met you or how I 0:04:33.440 --> 0:04:35.919 know you. Uh, let's leave that for some time that 0:04:35.920 --> 0:04:37.920 we actually get to know each other, and then I'll explain. 0:04:38.279 --> 0:04:41.240 And she messaged back, and we haven't really stopped what, 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:45.599 we haven't stopped talking since that's my that's my story. 0:04:46.000 --> 0:04:48.360 That's a pretty direct approach to like you're saying, is that, Yeah, 0:04:48.400 --> 0:04:51.640 what was the first meet up? It was like a 0:04:51.640 --> 0:04:54.400 pretty much a blind date, wasn't it kind of Yeah, 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:56.400 So we had FaceTime and talked on the phone for 0:04:56.560 --> 0:05:00.120 three weeks straight all the time, and uh, it got 0:05:00.120 --> 0:05:02.200 to the point where I just getting frustrated because I 0:05:02.279 --> 0:05:06.359 had I was interested in her, I was excited about her. Um, 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:08.520 it was a new thing. And so one night it 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:11.560 was the opening up my new restaurant, and I texted her, 0:05:11.560 --> 0:05:15.320 I said, thank you, thank you so much. Uh. I texted, 0:05:15.320 --> 0:05:17.200 I said, get a flight out here as soon as 0:05:17.240 --> 0:05:19.280 you can, if you're interested in coming out. And so 0:05:19.360 --> 0:05:28.400 the next day she showed up. Um did I did? No? No? Yeah? Yeah, 0:05:28.120 --> 0:05:34.720 yeah yeah. Um. So she flew out and we spent 0:05:34.800 --> 0:05:37.599 the first weekend together and uh, and now we see 0:05:37.600 --> 0:05:39.520 each other probably about every two or three weeks and 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:44.719 it's been what four months, So it's new. It's exciting. Uh, 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:47.280 it's she's just great. I mean she I've got a 0:05:47.360 --> 0:05:51.200 lot of issues, and I've never met anybody that uh 0:05:51.720 --> 0:05:55.599 just like knows the issues like loves me through them, 0:05:55.600 --> 0:05:57.960 like just like it's like supportive and backing and just 0:05:58.440 --> 0:06:01.279 like gets it. It's it's really it's really fun. All right. 0:06:01.320 --> 0:06:03.120 We have someone special on the show to help us 0:06:03.120 --> 0:06:06.920 with all of my questions, Stephan questions, and band's questions. 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:10.200 Her name is Marty Batista. She's a dating coach and specialist, 0:06:10.240 --> 0:06:11.880 and she's coming on here soon to help us out 0:06:11.920 --> 0:06:17.200 with all our problems. 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Hey, 0:07:41.920 --> 0:07:45.040 thanks for coming, Welcome to our podcast. You were excited 0:07:45.080 --> 0:07:48.560 to be here. Thanks for coming on. So we are here. 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:50.840 We our podcast is all about we suck at dating. 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:53.640 We have Ben who's newly in a relationship, Stephanie who's single, 0:07:54.960 --> 0:07:57.800 and I'm married so I'm definitely bad at dating, so 0:07:58.160 --> 0:08:00.680 thank god, yeah, thank goodness. It's probably a good thing, 0:08:00.880 --> 0:08:08.160 but you have to date your honey totally torn legend 0:08:09.280 --> 0:08:12.520 about all right, So let's go ahead and dive in. 0:08:12.920 --> 0:08:16.600 And the I was asking Ben and actually again Ben's 0:08:16.680 --> 0:08:19.360 recently in relationships, stephaniely still single. What do you see 0:08:19.360 --> 0:08:21.880 out there nowadays? Morning with your expertise? I asked the 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.520 question of is everything just based around social media? Is 0:08:24.560 --> 0:08:27.840 everything through d ms? Is everything through connecting with each other? Like? 0:08:27.880 --> 0:08:30.960 How are people meeting in an old fashioned way? Well, 0:08:31.000 --> 0:08:33.559 I think the thing is is that it's a buffet, 0:08:34.320 --> 0:08:37.600 right like, and and that's kind of a problem because 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:39.640 you know, you go to a buffet and you just 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:42.200 want a little bite of everything and there might be 0:08:42.320 --> 0:08:45.679 something coming, so yes, save a little room. So I 0:08:45.720 --> 0:08:51.400 think that people are really limiting themselves emotionally because of that. 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:55.040 There's always a little guard up. But if you want 0:08:55.080 --> 0:08:59.880 to meet someone who is sharing your you know, your passions, 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:02.880 don't gotta like get out right like you gotta you 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:05.640 gotta get out in the town do something. Well, yeah, 0:09:05.800 --> 0:09:07.880 and when you're out doing stuff that is just normal 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:11.480 like Starbucks or Trader Joe's people are on their damn phones. 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:14.360 That's the thing. I go out and I get like 0:09:14.400 --> 0:09:17.800 all dolled up. I stopped doing this, and I'll go 0:09:17.960 --> 0:09:20.680 put myself at the bar like basically like, guys come 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:23.840 hit on me. No one talks to me. Are you 0:09:23.880 --> 0:09:26.880 on your phone? No, I'm never on my phone. Actually 0:09:27.120 --> 0:09:29.640 you don't know this about me, but I'm amish. I sweared. 0:09:29.720 --> 0:09:31.719 I'm gonna stop saying it. I say it every week 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:34.760 on the podcast. Um No, I'm not on my phone. 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:36.920 I like make myself very available. I don't have my 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:41.360 arms crossed. I mean, I'm basically saying, you don't even 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:43.400 have to buy me a drink. Just ask me what 0:09:43.600 --> 0:09:45.800 name is? Have you ever initiated a conversation? Well, I's 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:50.760 gonna ask that. I'm yeah. I mean if there's if 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:53.400 if the bars crowded and someone's like, cute it, I'll 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:55.120 go towards them and I'll be like, oh my god, 0:09:55.120 --> 0:09:58.120 it's so crowded, you know, like I will, but I 0:09:58.440 --> 0:10:01.160 going out gets me. No. There, I stopped doing because 0:10:01.160 --> 0:10:03.480 I'm just like washing my makeup off at night, being like, 0:10:03.800 --> 0:10:06.400 which is so annoying. The worst, the worst. So here's 0:10:06.440 --> 0:10:09.880 the thing. Maybe don't go to bars with the intention 0:10:10.040 --> 0:10:13.720 to like get hit on, because what I'm thinking is 0:10:13.800 --> 0:10:16.080 you might have a vibe of like hit on me, 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:19.520 and an actual nice guy might be intimidated by that 0:10:20.920 --> 0:10:25.280 because you're really beautiful. Yeah, So what I'm thinking is 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:28.080 you're sitting there like and you've got this like hit 0:10:28.160 --> 0:10:32.240 on me, and someone might interpret that as are you 0:10:32.280 --> 0:10:36.040 good enough to hit on me? I can see that 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:39.440 if you're well no, So what I'm thinking is if 0:10:39.520 --> 0:10:42.920 you're less, I want you to be intentional. But if 0:10:42.920 --> 0:10:46.079 you're less like going with the mindset of like hit 0:10:46.160 --> 0:10:48.160 on me, and more like I want to make some connections, 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:51.120 and you also go to places that aren't like places 0:10:51.120 --> 0:10:54.200 where men hit on women and you're just feeling like 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:57.240 natural and comfortable and doing your thing and you're open 0:10:57.360 --> 0:11:00.360 and you're not waiting for that, You're gonna be more approachable. Yeah, 0:11:00.400 --> 0:11:02.800 I mean, I don't like dress scandalous, think no, no, no, 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:04.880 don't like when I go out, I'm always like, I 0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.120 hope there's hot guys there. They're better be hot guys there. Well, 0:11:07.440 --> 0:11:09.520 so what you just said they're better be hot guys 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:12.080 there is like then the energy is like they're better 0:11:12.120 --> 0:11:14.000 be hot guys there, and that kind of leaks out. 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.040 But if you're just going someplace and you're just not 0:11:17.120 --> 0:11:19.920 going with that intention, my guess is from doing this 0:11:19.920 --> 0:11:23.200 a long past time is you're more approachable. I can 0:11:23.240 --> 0:11:25.200 see that because it's just reverting back to the days 0:11:25.200 --> 0:11:28.280 that I was single, going out with my buddies and 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:30.760 thinking in my head the same thing. I hope there's 0:11:31.000 --> 0:11:32.679 hot women there. I hope there's hot girls there, and 0:11:32.720 --> 0:11:34.360 I hope but you know, get lucky to night or 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:36.200 something like that. The nights you go out with that 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:38.840 mentality were the Knights You're never felt like we're going 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:40.920 home alone. And then the Knights that you just kind 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:42.200 of went out just to hang out with your friends 0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:45.640 and have a good time. Things just happened platonically without 0:11:45.720 --> 0:11:48.240 even trying, and it just happens. You're like, oh, I 0:11:48.280 --> 0:11:50.360 wasn't even expecting this, but here it is. You're you're 0:11:50.400 --> 0:11:52.640 just more chill. Also, guys are much better at doing 0:11:52.679 --> 0:11:54.960 that than women, because like, if a bunch of guys 0:11:55.040 --> 0:11:56.559 go out and I'm sure you've seen this, you got 0:11:56.640 --> 0:11:58.480 right there just actually out having a good time. They're 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.040 just hanging out. They're not really focused on that. That's 0:12:01.080 --> 0:12:02.960 the thing. They're just hanging out with each other. Yeah, 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.559 because but that's that's what guys. But that's what guys do. 0:12:05.760 --> 0:12:10.720 So that's what guys do. It's so annoying, but party, 0:12:11.000 --> 0:12:13.160 I gotta apology here for one second, though, I'm listening 0:12:13.160 --> 0:12:16.480 to all of this. Everybody has great advice. Everybody has 0:12:16.520 --> 0:12:19.080 this good acc But what makes you the person to 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:21.560 give this advice? Like, where does your background come from 0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:24.680 that now you're a dating expert? Right? I love? Yeah, 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.880 because ben I sucked at dating. I got married when 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:32.600 I was twenty two. I know, basically because you know, 0:12:32.840 --> 0:12:34.400 I slept with a guy and then he called me 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:36.520 the next day. So I was pretty stoked about that. 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:41.400 He's the one. He's the one. I'm like, yes, So 0:12:41.520 --> 0:12:44.640 I got married to know what I was doing. Um, 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:47.240 I was pretty unhappy, but you know, I it's a 0:12:47.240 --> 0:12:51.559 different generation ish and then I was just really unhappy 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:55.480 and so I got divorced. And then basically a younger, 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:58.800 hotter guy I met him online. He's the same guy 0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:01.160 with a different face, super do she but really hot? 0:13:01.320 --> 0:13:05.160 Which online? Uh this was Craigslist used to have this 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:10.200 thing called miss connections. Oh, my godmercials. Yeah, So I 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:14.679 totally my girlfriend was like driving in l A and 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.400 she saw this guy in a tahoe and then my 0:13:18.440 --> 0:13:20.480 other friend had met someone I miss connection, so I 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:25.680 was totally like stalking miss connections, right, and I totally 0:13:25.880 --> 0:13:28.560 like wrote to this guy and he wasn't like he 0:13:28.640 --> 0:13:31.080 wasn't the guy who she saw, but I totally I 0:13:31.120 --> 0:13:35.880 just started talking to him. He no, no, he. I 0:13:35.960 --> 0:13:38.280 just totally did the same thing. Like I thought it 0:13:38.320 --> 0:13:42.679 was the ex husband, but it was just me. Everyone's 0:13:42.720 --> 0:13:45.720 done that well totally, so I I figured out a 0:13:45.760 --> 0:13:48.720 different way. So back to Ben's questions, So I dated 0:13:48.800 --> 0:13:50.400 in l A for like five years, and I really 0:13:50.440 --> 0:13:53.000 figured out how to do it with like my dignity 0:13:53.080 --> 0:13:55.720 intact and feeling really good about myself and feeling like 0:13:55.800 --> 0:13:58.200 I was choosing. And I dated a lot and I 0:13:58.240 --> 0:13:59.600 had a lot of fun. And then I met my 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:03.040 husband and who's super hot, eight years younger than me, 0:14:03.120 --> 0:14:05.360 and we've been together for ten years. But now I 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:08.040 studied a lot and I'm certified and all that kind 0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:10.120 of stuff. But now I've been coaching men and women 0:14:10.400 --> 0:14:12.320 for the last ten years, and I have like an 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:15.440 incredible success rate because everything that you're doing with what 0:14:15.480 --> 0:14:17.760 most people do, and it's totally encounterintuitive to do it 0:14:17.800 --> 0:14:21.680 any other way. Well, you know what, I for pretty 0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:24.080 much five years, I was never looking because I was 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:27.080 I live in London and I've I have three businesses 0:14:27.200 --> 0:14:29.320 over there and then a TV show that I do, 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:31.560 So it was just work, work, work, Like I put 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:34.480 work before my family before finding a boyfriend. All my 0:14:34.520 --> 0:14:37.240 friends are getting married, they're having babies, and I'm just 0:14:37.280 --> 0:14:41.200 like turning into this weird single lady in her thirties totally. 0:14:41.440 --> 0:14:45.320 So I never put myself out there. But now since 0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:48.080 I've been back in l A, I've been wanting to 0:14:48.200 --> 0:14:51.680 kind of just to share experiences with you. No, Like 0:14:52.040 --> 0:14:55.320 this year, I actually have time to travel and I 0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:57.200 went to travel with someone, Like I just went to 0:14:57.240 --> 0:15:01.080 Hawaii last week by myself. So you know, I want 0:15:01.080 --> 0:15:04.520 a partner to do things with me. But it's just 0:15:04.560 --> 0:15:06.320 I don't know if it's just l A. I mean, 0:15:06.360 --> 0:15:08.240 I'd love to what you think, but I feel like 0:15:08.320 --> 0:15:11.000 every guy here is just like you know, I could 0:15:11.320 --> 0:15:13.960 sleep with any any girl, and they just wait for 0:15:14.000 --> 0:15:15.880 girls to come up to them because they know they will. 0:15:16.360 --> 0:15:18.760 So the other thing is you got If you're getting 0:15:18.760 --> 0:15:21.080 guys like that and you're looking for an actual high 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:25.640 quality guy, he's not probably out, you know, like at 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:28.760 a this is like nice, like Dan Tana's crazy. It 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:34.360 doesn't it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, honestly, Like the 0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:37.520 kind of guy that you really want is a different guy. 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:39.640 When you're meeting the same kind of guy over and 0:15:39.680 --> 0:15:42.480 over again, right, the results are showing you that you're 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:45.080 like pickers Off. You're not attracting like a high quality 0:15:45.120 --> 0:15:47.680 guy who's looking for partnership. You're looking for someone who 0:15:47.720 --> 0:15:50.200 just wants to look up, someone who just wants And 0:15:50.240 --> 0:15:52.240 by the way, if you're a little ambiguous, like do 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:54.320 you want like a serious relationship or do you just 0:15:54.360 --> 0:15:57.960 want like casual dating? Right, you have to get really 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:00.640 clear in your intentions because that it almost like you 0:16:00.680 --> 0:16:04.440 have an unconscious radar. So where can Stephanie find Where 0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:06.040 do you go to find these? Well? Who are you? Like? 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:08.200 What are you actually looking for? Like? What is your 0:16:08.320 --> 0:16:11.680 like specific relationship goal? Well, I'm talking to three guys 0:16:11.760 --> 0:16:16.720 right now. Um, I want to be exclusive with someone 0:16:16.880 --> 0:16:21.360 like in a monogamous sexual relationship, but I don't want 0:16:21.440 --> 0:16:26.280 it to be serious at the minute, I relationships to 0:16:26.320 --> 0:16:29.120 me like feel like prison. I'm very much like, give 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:32.560 me my passport, I'm free and ever since I was eighteen. 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:34.600 When I was eighteen, I moved to Paris, like I 0:16:34.720 --> 0:16:40.119 like complete freedom and space. So I'm scared of a 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:44.640 serious relationship where I'm you know, nber home home. This 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:49.640 is your problem. But what because you're putting out mixed right, 0:16:49.680 --> 0:16:52.000 So the fact that you're scared what you're scared of 0:16:52.120 --> 0:16:54.400 kind of what you want because it's gonna be really 0:16:54.440 --> 0:16:56.600 hard to find a quality guy who wants to have 0:16:56.640 --> 0:17:03.080 a monogamous, serious relationship ship with no strings attached. What 0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:07.040 are the strings? We like freedom right Like it would 0:17:07.080 --> 0:17:09.840 have to be someone that was just as ambitious, are 0:17:09.920 --> 0:17:11.920 very busy with work where they didn't have time for 0:17:11.960 --> 0:17:15.040 anything else but have time to see every now and then. 0:17:15.240 --> 0:17:20.320 But that's not only that own life. I have my 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:22.479 own life, and then we have a little life together, 0:17:22.800 --> 0:17:24.680 you know. But see the thing is the little life 0:17:24.680 --> 0:17:28.880 together is so ambiguous, and one person usually gets emotionally connected. 0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:31.960 It's it's gonna happen. And so your guard is up, girl, 0:17:32.040 --> 0:17:34.879 And that is why you're attracting men who are perfect 0:17:34.920 --> 0:17:37.560 for someone whose guard is up, and what kind of 0:17:37.600 --> 0:17:39.359 men are they? Men who don't want to have an 0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:43.639 emotional connection. They're casual, they're just It's like, this is 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:45.919 like a math problem, Ben. This is why I do 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:49.879 what I do because it's your your your intention is fine, 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:52.640 but you're going to attract guys like that, and they're 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:54.320 not going to be able to give you that like 0:17:54.480 --> 0:17:57.800 ven diagram bit because I think you want probably a 0:17:57.840 --> 0:17:59.960 little bit of an emotional connection. You want to share 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:02.840 a thing, right, So it's kind of you're asking for something. 0:18:02.840 --> 0:18:05.280 I don't think this possible. So if I was coaching you, 0:18:05.359 --> 0:18:07.760 like somewhere else, I'd be like, let's look at why 0:18:07.960 --> 0:18:11.240 relationships are prison because you could have one and still 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:14.919 have freedom. But I've tried and they all resent me, 0:18:15.000 --> 0:18:16.920 and it's you know, but you did. And I also 0:18:17.040 --> 0:18:20.159 work more than guy, right, So yeah, this is what 0:18:20.200 --> 0:18:22.320 I do is I specialized in women who are really 0:18:22.359 --> 0:18:25.639 really successful, and there's just all this that goes with 0:18:25.720 --> 0:18:28.920 being successful, right because you do you want what you want, 0:18:29.000 --> 0:18:31.159 you're smart, you don't have to settle. You want freedom. 0:18:31.280 --> 0:18:34.520 What's interesting is like in our culture is that used 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:37.000 to be a man thing, right, and now it's a 0:18:37.040 --> 0:18:39.600 woman thing, and so there's no there's like no paradigm, 0:18:39.640 --> 0:18:41.720 there's no model, so women don't know how to do it. 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:46.280 So you can totally have a relationship with the right 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:49.560 guy who totally gives you freedom, he wants freedom, but 0:18:49.560 --> 0:18:52.120 you also have emotional connection. I can I can see 0:18:52.119 --> 0:18:54.720 where that is harder to find though, for for a 0:18:54.760 --> 0:18:58.040 successful woman to find a man who's comfortable and then 0:18:58.080 --> 0:19:01.800 being that successful and ambitios is because when I met 0:19:01.880 --> 0:19:05.000 my my now wife, I was retiring from the NFL, 0:19:05.119 --> 0:19:07.879 so kind of my career was was ending, and I 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:10.200 just I felt like I became her husband. I felt 0:19:10.200 --> 0:19:12.119 like I lost my identity and who I was and 0:19:12.160 --> 0:19:13.800 I was just kind of like along for the ride. 0:19:14.160 --> 0:19:16.080 And that takes a toll on a man, you know, 0:19:16.119 --> 0:19:18.840 even as someone who you know, I had a successful 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:21.760 career and I thought I was doing well, but regardless, 0:19:21.800 --> 0:19:24.040 it's it takes a toll on you emotionally and mentally. 0:19:24.080 --> 0:19:27.320 So it totally does. And my husband had a bit 0:19:27.359 --> 0:19:31.919 of that so started interrupt did you ever not resent 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:37.000 her but kind of get frustrated? And I started emasculated. Yeah, 0:19:37.040 --> 0:19:39.359 I started saying things like, oh, it's just Janna's world. 0:19:39.960 --> 0:19:41.879 It's her world. Okay, I guess I'm just so long 0:19:41.960 --> 0:19:43.640 for the ride. What I have to do isn't important. 0:19:44.080 --> 0:19:46.480 Oh yeah, we we had a we had a you know, 0:19:47.080 --> 0:19:49.520 a lot of issues around. It's the thing. But the 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.560 thing is because there there are men who are at 0:19:53.560 --> 0:19:56.200 the place where you are now, Like you got through 0:19:56.240 --> 0:19:58.880 that thing with her, So there are men who are 0:19:58.920 --> 0:20:02.360 single who are already worked through their own stuff and 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:07.199 they are looking and they're actually attracted to someone like you, 0:20:07.440 --> 0:20:09.800 and they want to fit into your life and they 0:20:09.840 --> 0:20:12.760 want to support you and not be like, you know, 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:16.840 the rock star. So I I want you to not 0:20:16.920 --> 0:20:21.639 be afraid of relationships. I'm afraid of the guys. Like, 0:20:21.640 --> 0:20:23.720 how did you work through that? Because I had a 0:20:23.720 --> 0:20:26.120 boyfriend dumped me four years ago that I lived with, 0:20:26.840 --> 0:20:31.600 and it was basically he was so emasculated because he 0:20:31.600 --> 0:20:33.840 he was just a rich kid, and so I was 0:20:34.000 --> 0:20:37.120 out every day and he wasn't. Yeah, it's just for me. 0:20:37.160 --> 0:20:41.160 It was finding my identity again and finding something for myself. 0:20:41.280 --> 0:20:44.040 And Jane and I had so much work to do individually, 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:47.400 and ultimately it became it came down to us communicating, 0:20:47.800 --> 0:20:49.560 me doing a lot of therapy and a lot of 0:20:49.600 --> 0:20:52.440 work with myself, and a lot of it stems from 0:20:52.440 --> 0:20:54.280 issues and me never feeling I was good enough in 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:56.800 life period. That stems from when I was a child 0:20:56.960 --> 0:20:58.840