Speaker 1: I remember the first few times I just splat out
Speaker 1: said notice something, and it felt amazing, amazing. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: felt like I got so much power back. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, is this the secret? Is this a
Speaker 1: secret to like healing my Any type of people pleasing
Speaker 1: is like this. It is this. It practice saying no.
Speaker 2: More better, more, got a little bit more better, more.
Speaker 3: Welcome to more better. A podcast where we stop pretending
Speaker 3: to have it all together and embrace the journey of
Speaker 3: becoming a little more better every day.
Speaker 1: Or at least trying to. Mm hmmm. That's most of
Speaker 1: Marrow and that's Stephanie the Atrice. Hi, welcome back. How
Speaker 1: are you? Welcome back friends? I'm good. Full disclosure.
Speaker 3: Sometimes we record these in a in a big pack
Speaker 3: because we have busy schedules. So what's is being like
Speaker 3: welcome back? Yeah, we're like, hey, what's up?
Speaker 1: I just I just saw you. I just say you.
Speaker 1: We've been already spending time together, but yes, welcome back,
Speaker 1: but we still are.
Speaker 3: We are still genuinely catching up what's been going on
Speaker 3: with you that is non work related.
Speaker 1: We had for the first time in a long time
Speaker 1: where David and I both worked on the same day,
Speaker 1: but just like I haven't done it in a long
Speaker 1: time where all the logistics had to be worked out of,
Speaker 1: like who was getting picked up and you know, dinner
Speaker 1: and you know all the things. But it was fine,
Speaker 1: did you guys have did you guys have kids? That
Speaker 1: week that he guest started on Brooklyn nine nine? Uh yeah,
Speaker 1: how'd you do that? Because you were both gone? We
Speaker 1: were both gone, But it was that episode was really
Speaker 1: easy because he wasn't in every single scene either, so
Speaker 1: I feel like he wrapped earlier than I did kind
Speaker 1: of thing. But we had our sitter at the time.
Speaker 1: I'm like our nanny I think was with Enzo. I
Speaker 1: want to say that was like after Endzo. God, what
Speaker 1: is time? Remember everything you know? Time is blur. Time
Speaker 1: is very strange. My favorite thing about that episode was
Speaker 1: all of Andy's jokes about how hot David is. I know,
Speaker 1: it was so fun. They were so funny. I feel
Speaker 1: like there were a few he added that were not scripted. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: and he directed that episode too, and so it was
Speaker 1: really Yeah, it was like a very hometown home team
Speaker 1: feeling that week. And I remember David being like, you
Speaker 1: can never complain about work because this is like the
Speaker 1: best gig ever. He was like, you guys just have
Speaker 1: fun here all day. And I remember I got defensive
Speaker 1: of like, well you're here during a really you know
Speaker 1: sometimes like this is sometimes the scene's not working, you know,
Speaker 1: and like it takes us a minute, and like everyone
Speaker 1: gets and you know what, and like a lot of
Speaker 1: jokes and like some of them are working. Are not scarfage.
Speaker 1: It's a lot of jokes. Sometimes it's so many jokes
Speaker 1: and I just can't remember them all because they're also funny. Yes, literally,
Speaker 1: it is probably what I sounded like. Oh yeah, whoops.
Speaker 3: Yeah, well yeah, that's what happens when it's a damn
Speaker 3: good show and really good people on it. Yeah, what
Speaker 3: are you gonna do?
Speaker 1: I've had so many people on this new show that
Speaker 1: are on the second season of Twisted Metal because we're
Speaker 1: shooting in Canada, so a lot of our Canadian You're
Speaker 1: more famous in Canada. I was more famous Canada.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Baroski in Canadia and Canadian too.
Speaker 1: But the first day it was.
Speaker 3: So sweet because there were so many people on the
Speaker 3: crew that were like, oh, I just have to tell
Speaker 3: you Brooklyn, and it's my favorite show.
Speaker 1: I just have to tell you it's my comfort show.
Speaker 3: Like it was really nice, Like it's super sweet.
Speaker 1: It made me really really proud.
Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, but that's dope. Definitely are more more well
Speaker 3: known here. Also because I have hair extensions now my
Speaker 3: hair is longer. Yeah, so people keep like stopping me
Speaker 3: in the street. There was one girl today that was
Speaker 3: English or British, I don't know.
Speaker 1: She had an accent. I don't know you guys, but
Speaker 1: she was like, are you from Brooklyn nine nine? I'm
Speaker 1: not going to do the accent. Okay, I'll do it.
Speaker 1: Are you from brookn on nine? And I was like
Speaker 1: I am. She was like, Toronto, okay, thank you so much.
Speaker 1: So wholesome. It was very it's very wholesome. It's very wholesome.
Speaker 1: Our fans are awesome, Like the Brooklyn fans are really
Speaker 1: good people. That's the best. They get it. They get it.
Speaker 3: They do my more better is I mean, there are
Speaker 3: some good things happening. I did just get a new
Speaker 3: phone chain for my phone. Oh that's great. I'm not
Speaker 3: dropping it as.
Speaker 1: Much more better at not dropping your phone. Yeah. Making
Speaker 1: sure I wear my sunscreen. Ooh, I've been very good
Speaker 1: about sunscreen. Good for you. Yeah, it's it's necessary. Yep.
Speaker 1: I've been doing the extra thing of if I'm going
Speaker 1: outside in a tank top, put a little bit on
Speaker 1: my shoulders. Oh, good for you. Good for you, because
Speaker 1: that's something that I forget.
Speaker 3: Shoot, we're shooting this show outside most of the time,
Speaker 3: and like, whoo baby, you gotta oh re apply, reapply, repply.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, otherwise you're just gonna turn different shades
Speaker 1: throughout the season.
Speaker 4: More better.
Speaker 3: Okay, So you guys, let's get down to the business
Speaker 3: at hand. What are we talking about this week?
Speaker 1: Mel Oh, we have a good one today and it
Speaker 1: comes from a listener. Listeners, you're dropping some great suggestions.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for your emails. If you have
Speaker 1: a suggestion for a future episode, you can email us
Speaker 1: at Morebetter Pod at gmail dot com. You can also
Speaker 1: include a voice note and be featured on the pod.
Speaker 1: We haven't done that yet, but we don't be fraid.
Speaker 1: Do that soon. It come on, do it? Yeah? So
Speaker 1: today it comes from a listener. Would you like to
Speaker 1: read the email stuff or do I like, I'll read it.
Speaker 1: I'll read it. I'll read that.
Speaker 3: Hi'm me listen, Stephanie. I love your podcast and I love
Speaker 3: the roles you played.
Speaker 1: And wait, can you start over and do it in
Speaker 1: an accent? No? Fu, I refuse. I refuse to have
Speaker 1: this cut up the internet somewhere my bad accent.
Speaker 3: Oh man, all right, go ahead, I will listen to Stephanie.
Speaker 3: I love your podcast and I love the roles you
Speaker 3: played in Brooklyn nine nine.
Speaker 1: That's my comfort show. Oh.
Speaker 3: I struggle with toxic relationships between friends and family.
Speaker 1: Oh no, because of a people pleasing feeling that makes
Speaker 1: it difficult to end it. Can you give me some
Speaker 1: tips and tricks to help with this would be much appreciated. Sincerely,
Speaker 1: and I think this is how you pronounce it, lind Oh.
Speaker 3: Okay, today's episode. What are we talking about?
Speaker 1: People please? God? Everybody does it? We all do it?
Speaker 3: Yeah, So tell us what people pleasing means?
Speaker 1: Melissa? All right, I have well the official Some definitions
Speaker 1: could be pushing aside your needs to accommodate the needs
Speaker 1: of everyone else. People pleaser craves validation and reassurance and
Speaker 1: is afraid to disappoint others because they worry about being
Speaker 1: rejected or abandoned, and they may go to great lengths
Speaker 1: to help others, even when they're not asked. And they
Speaker 1: often take the blame even for things that weren't their fault. Brutal. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I feel like I was very much a people pleaser
Speaker 1: when I was younger, and I think I still have
Speaker 1: those tendencies. Oh so like of like not speaking up
Speaker 1: because you don't want to upset someone or I remember
Speaker 1: I told that story about the boy that yelled at
Speaker 1: me for missing a rehearsal. Yeah, and I say anything
Speaker 1: like I just took it. Oh, it was in our
Speaker 1: first episode, like the listening to yourself part of that
Speaker 1: was also like people pleasing. I was like, if I
Speaker 1: get in a fight with him, I might upset the
Speaker 1: whole family. It's going to become a big thing. I
Speaker 1: don't want to ruffle any feathers. I don't want to
Speaker 1: like get into a confrontation and you know when he's
Speaker 1: probably right and yeah, and it was like it was
Speaker 1: just I want I just want to be good with everyone,
Speaker 1: and I want everyone to like me, and so I'm
Speaker 1: just not gonna like stand up for myself. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: it's the worst. It's it's a bad feeling. It's very
Speaker 1: it's really hard. Yeah, it's really hard. What's what's your
Speaker 1: experience with people pleasing if you I feel like I
Speaker 1: can't picture you being a picture were you ever a
Speaker 1: people pleaser?
Speaker 3: I mean, you know, it's interesting for me it manifests
Speaker 3: in a different way.
Speaker 1: It's like it is kind of like.
Speaker 3: It's tricky, right because like we have a job where
Speaker 3: we end up.
Speaker 1: Collaborating with a lot of people. I mean, yeah, actually
Speaker 1: have to make sure that things stay kind of copasetic.
Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people have that, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I think there's a difference between standing up for
Speaker 1: yourself and rocking the boat just to make sure that
Speaker 1: you like are heard. And I think sometimes for me
Speaker 1: the balance is a a is a hard one to
Speaker 1: find because it's like sometimes sometimes in certain environments it
Speaker 1: doesn't it doesn't actually serve me to speak up and
Speaker 1: say like this is what I think is wrong with this,
Speaker 1: and this is this is why, and this is you know,
Speaker 1: like what my problems are in this situation. Right, sometimes
Speaker 1: it serves me better and the environment better to offer
Speaker 1: solutions and to come forward and say.
Speaker 3: Sort of like you know, like for example, like if
Speaker 3: something's not working for me in a scene, to kind
Speaker 3: of come forward and say, like what if we tried,
Speaker 3: like what if we tried doing it on the other
Speaker 3: side of the room and see what happens, like if
Speaker 3: we really got close to each other, and like see
Speaker 3: if that does anything for their relationship, and like see
Speaker 3: if we play the scene like physically really close to
Speaker 3: each other, like if you having a problem with blocking
Speaker 3: or something. I think what can happen sometimes is that
Speaker 3: egos can kind of like get attached to saying, like
Speaker 3: I have to say how I feel because it's part
Speaker 3: of who I am, right Like for example, there was
Speaker 3: one time where this is a crazy example, but there
Speaker 3: was one time I took a ride lift. I don't
Speaker 3: know what to call it, not a ride share, I
Speaker 3: guess it's a ride share, you know, when you pull
Speaker 3: up the app and you to do to do a
Speaker 3: digital taxi, a digital taxi.
Speaker 1: There you go. And the driver was a man, and
Speaker 1: he seemed very interested in chatting with me, and I
Speaker 1: just wasn't really I had a bunch of stuff to
Speaker 1: do on my I said to him, like, if you
Speaker 1: don't mind, I actually have a lot of stuff to
Speaker 1: do on my phone right now, and I like just
Speaker 1: some peace and quiet. And he got livid. Oh no,
Speaker 1: that's scar, Oh what you're too good to talk to me. Oh,
Speaker 1: what kind of work do you have to do at
Speaker 1: ten thirty at night? Meanwhile, I'm like reading an audition
Speaker 1: script for the next day. You know, it's actual work
Speaker 1: that I'm doing. It doesn't matter. Even if it doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter.
Speaker 3: It doesn't matter what I'm doing. It doesn't matter. It
Speaker 3: shouldn't matter. But because I'm a woman and I'm in
Speaker 3: this man's car, yeah.
Speaker 1: I was like, do I fight him right now? And
Speaker 1: like do I? Like, I'm not in a safe environment
Speaker 1: to be like a fucking asshole, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3: Like, so I stayed really calm and stayed really quiet,
Speaker 3: and like normally, if I was, like, you know, out
Speaker 3: at a bar or something and some guide did that
Speaker 3: to me and I had some friends with me and
Speaker 3: felt safe, I'd be like, fuck off, you fucking weed,
Speaker 3: you know, like, yeah, get out of here, you pin head.
Speaker 1: Like I could say some dumb shit to him, right
Speaker 1: right right, But in that moment, I wasn't safe.
Speaker 3: I wasn't safe enough to be like so I did people?
Speaker 1: Please? I was like, oh yeah, I'm like really busy
Speaker 1: at work, and like he kind of like chilled out anyway,
Speaker 1: long story short, it's tricky. It's tricky to say that.
Speaker 3: I hate when I say it's tricky also because that's
Speaker 3: something that my ex used to say and I'd be like, oh,
Speaker 3: I just have an opinion, but.
Speaker 1: That's so funny.
Speaker 3: But but yeah, I people pleasing is hard.
Speaker 1: People pleasing is hard. I think there's also, uh, you know,
Speaker 1: a part of this is boundaries, right, like being able
Speaker 1: to hold boundaries with people, which is really hard sometimes,
Speaker 1: especially like, yeah, I find for me sometimes I have
Speaker 1: the hardest time holding boundaries with family, right, Like I
Speaker 1: could like not want to do a family thing, and
Speaker 1: I I feel obligated and I don't want to make
Speaker 1: anyone mad, and so I put their needs over mine
Speaker 1: and like, bro, I absolutely will like be like no, bye, yes,
Speaker 1: I know I'm not doing it. I know, but it
Speaker 1: is something that I struggle with, and I've gotten better
Speaker 1: as I've gotten older. Yeah, I think definitely when I
Speaker 1: was younger, it was you know, yeah. And I think
Speaker 1: also like having kids has helped because I'm just like, well, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: like now this is my family comes first, you know.
Speaker 3: But or like my no, I'm not staying up until
Speaker 3: midnight for Nacho Juanna because.
Speaker 1: These these kids will be a nightmare when like tomorrow
Speaker 1: not doing like yeah, yeah, we're leaving at nine pm.
Speaker 1: That's as late as she can go. Yes, we are
Speaker 1: not going to the New Year's party. I do not
Speaker 1: have little kids that will like sleep in on New
Speaker 1: Year's Day. Sorry, bye, I'll see you in a few
Speaker 1: years when they're older. Yeah. I think that, Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: a lot of like mission that or or I guess empowerment, right,
Speaker 1: because that's also I think at the root of people
Speaker 1: pleasing is losing track or a sense of your own power, right.
Speaker 1: I think I think there's like a lot of things
Speaker 1: that like kind of come into play here of like
Speaker 1: is your time not worthy? Like are you you know?
Speaker 1: Like and that's boundaries and that's self worth and that's empowerment,
Speaker 1: and it's kind of all of it like jumbled up
Speaker 1: into this ball of just like well if I just
Speaker 1: like keep it all peaceful and happy and like afraid
Speaker 1: of conflict, like that can be part of it too,
Speaker 1: like you know, and it's all these things kind of
Speaker 1: rolled up into this ball of just like well if
Speaker 1: I just slap a smile on my fucking face and
Speaker 1: I'm just nice to everybody, everything will be fine and
Speaker 1: it'll be peaceful and I won't have to deal with like,
Speaker 1: you know, the repercussions. Yes, So okay, so you said
Speaker 1: something really interesting to then you're like, if I slap
Speaker 1: a smile on my face and deal right, So there there,
Speaker 1: and there is a big difference, right, There's a difference
Speaker 1: between people pleasing and being like if I slap a
Speaker 1: smile on my face and pretend like everything's fine, yeah.
Speaker 3: It'll be like I'll just get through I'll just muscle
Speaker 3: through it.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 3: And then there's another side of it, which is the
Speaker 3: thing that I'm trying to embrace slightly, which is like,
Speaker 3: how can I look at this and just like let
Speaker 3: it move through me through water, like or let it
Speaker 3: move over me like water off a ducts back, you know,
Speaker 3: like this thing that's frustrating me or this thing that
Speaker 3: like I'm butting up against. And it's not necessarily like
Speaker 3: only people pleasing, it's like pleasing others and also finding
Speaker 3: a way to please myself. Oh and I find that
Speaker 3: like for me, Humor really does that for me?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like humor is my way of like being able
Speaker 1: to Like someone at work the other day said something
Speaker 1: like kind of on the cusp of like uh.
Speaker 3: Oh hr, you know, like it was a little.
Speaker 1: Like right on the cuss right, And it was kind
Speaker 1: of in a big group, and I was standing there
Speaker 1: while they said it, and I was like, I stood
Speaker 1: up from my chair and I looked at everyone. I
Speaker 1: was like, I recused myself from this conversation, and like
Speaker 1: like I walked away.
Speaker 3: And I could hear them all laughing behind me, and
Speaker 3: I was like.
Speaker 1: I'm going to crafty. I made like a bit out
Speaker 1: of it. And to me, that felt like my way
Speaker 1: of saying, you know, I didn't have to stand up
Speaker 1: and be like, this is an unfortunate conversation, you know,
Speaker 1: because it was like it wasn't like someone.
Speaker 3: You know, made a racial slur. You know, that's something
Speaker 3: that I'm never going to stand for.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: But it was a moment that was like right on
Speaker 3: the edge of comfortability, and instead of making a I
Speaker 3: made it so that everyone got to escape. I made
Speaker 3: it so like and it's but that is also my
Speaker 3: people pleasing. Like I made sure everybody he was okay
Speaker 3: with it, you know, so like sometimes that's okay, and
Speaker 3: sometimes I do need to just walk away and not
Speaker 3: make a joke. I just have to keep finding when
Speaker 3: those moments are. I don't always know, but in that moment,
Speaker 3: that's where improv I think is like such a nice
Speaker 3: like it's really helped me in the last ten years
Speaker 3: of like being around you guys and all of you
Speaker 3: all being brave to improvise, Like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I improved. I was like, I mean, I can't
Speaker 1: tell you how satisfying it was to like walk away
Speaker 1: and also hear people laughing behind me. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I knew I took the air out
Speaker 1: of it. Yes, and you and you in a fun
Speaker 1: and light way, you established a boundary, you know, like
Speaker 1: you said, I'm not going to be here for this.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be here for this, and you
Speaker 1: gave everyone else permission to do this, to go away
Speaker 1: to Also, yeah, I mean it's so clever and it's
Speaker 1: so smart, and I think that that oh, thank you,
Speaker 1: It truly is. I'm like, feel free to use that,
Speaker 1: you guys. Yeah, feel free. I am back pocketing that
Speaker 1: exactly myself. I recuse myself. I'm going to crafty from
Speaker 1: those conversations. Yeah, man.
Speaker 3: And it's just like sometimes like but also here's the
Speaker 3: other thing, Like I grew up in a really volatile household.
Speaker 3: I've mentioned that before, but like, yeah, being around my
Speaker 3: parents a lot of times was like walking on eggshells.
Speaker 1: So for me, I am like.
Speaker 3: That's my people pleasing thing. And it sounds like that's
Speaker 3: ah Wei's problem too, like Henry, and it's like you
Speaker 3: struggle with those toxic relationships because it makes it hard
Speaker 3: for you to walk away, makes it hard for you
Speaker 3: to end your people pleasing because like you, they're with
Speaker 3: friends and family, and like a lot of times you
Speaker 3: look at your most loved relationships, your parents or your
Speaker 3: friends or family, and you go like, well, I don't
Speaker 3: want I don't want to make them upset, So like
Speaker 3: I'm just gonna do whatever it takes to like keep
Speaker 3: the status quo keep and then you feel like shit
Speaker 3: on the inside.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, And I would also, uh you know, I'm
Speaker 1: also thinking about as we talk about like boundaries and
Speaker 1: speaking up is like the ability to say no ooh,
Speaker 1: oh my god. It has been a journey for me.
Speaker 1: I mean I think it comes some of it comes
Speaker 1: with like I don't know if it's the same for
Speaker 1: the youth now, but it certainly has come with age.
Speaker 1: For me like, yep, maybe it's different for the children
Speaker 1: that have TikTok and are listening to other people be
Speaker 1: like it's okay to say no. Yeah. I did not
Speaker 1: grow up hearing that. No one ever told us it
Speaker 1: was okay to say no. It was like, why are
Speaker 1: you saying yes? Like, you know, you say yes to everything.
Speaker 1: You say yes to every invite, every opportunity, everything.
Speaker 3: You eat this, you wear this, you watch this.
Speaker 1: More?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Yeah, do you remember the early days of Brooklyn when
Speaker 1: we said yes every single thing? We were asked to
Speaker 1: do every every pr thing, every pr thing, every everything
Speaker 1: and look everything. While as as newer actresses on a
Speaker 1: newer show, probably a lot of that was valid maybe
Speaker 1: for us to do, but we didn't have maybe every
Speaker 1: single thing like it would have been fine looking back,
Speaker 1: like it would have been fine to either like.
Speaker 3: It would have been fine even to just like, you know,
Speaker 3: make an excuse like a little a little white.
Speaker 1: You know. Sometimes I even tell my kids, like if
Speaker 1: you tell like, my son is eight now, and so
Speaker 1: he's he's and he's very conscious to like other people's feelings,
Speaker 1: and I forget what the like specific thing was, but
Speaker 1: I told him, I said, look, lying is not okay.
Speaker 1: You should never lie. Yeah, but I explained to him
Speaker 1: what like a little white lie is, And I said, like,
Speaker 1: a little white lie to protect someone's feelings is okay
Speaker 1: once in a while, Like that's different, you know. And
Speaker 1: I'm like, and that's okay, Like you have to know
Speaker 1: the nuance of it, you know, and don't use it
Speaker 1: all the time. It's yeah, it's all black and white.
Speaker 1: And like, sometimes it takes a little white lie. I'm busy,
Speaker 1: I'm sick whatever, I have a wedding that day. I
Speaker 1: just don't have time. And sometimes it starts like that
Speaker 1: and you get more and more empowered. I feel like
Speaker 1: that's how it started for me, was like maybe making
Speaker 1: excuses till I got to the point where I was like, no,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but no, I'm sorry. No, it's a path, yeah,
Speaker 1: like I'm sorry, but no. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: And then in the first few times you say no,
Speaker 1: and especially when people are like okay, like thanks for considering,
Speaker 1: you know, and they're totally cool with it and they
Speaker 1: respect it, and you're just like, oh my god, oh my,
Speaker 1: could I have said no this whole time? How many
Speaker 1: other things could I have said no?
Speaker 3: About? This?
Speaker 1: Feels amazing. I remember the first few times I just
Speaker 1: flat out said no to something and it felt amazing, amazing.
Speaker 1: I felt I got so much power back. I was like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, is this a secret? Is this a
Speaker 1: secret to like healing my any type of people pleasing
Speaker 1: is like is this? It is this? It practice saying no,
Speaker 1: you know? And like, also, what what that does is
Speaker 1: like it starts to show you who reacts like that,
Speaker 1: who says and then it also shows you who goes well,
Speaker 1: I did all these things for you.
Speaker 3: I did this for you. Like who in your life
Speaker 3: starts to guilt you?
Speaker 1: Who in your life starts to guilt you make you
Speaker 1: feel bad for taking your space and for saying no,
Speaker 1: or for putting up boundaries or saying I don't like that,
Speaker 1: or for saying I'm not going to do that. My husband,
Speaker 1: we have a friend who has that tendency sometimes to
Speaker 1: be like, well, I did this for you. He doesn't
Speaker 1: do it anymore. You used to do it like a
Speaker 1: lot more when we were younger, and my husband had
Speaker 1: the best response to him one time I thought was
Speaker 1: so wise. He said, I love you, and I am
Speaker 1: your friend, and all of the things that I do
Speaker 1: for you I do not ever expect any of them
Speaker 1: in return. I do not ever expect you to do
Speaker 1: certain things because I did it for you, Like I
Speaker 1: just do it because I love you and that's it, yes,
Speaker 1: and you cannot ask that of me. And it was
Speaker 1: such a clear boundary, but it was also fucking true.
Speaker 1: Like he was like, I will pick up the phone
Speaker 1: in the middle of the night, I will get on
Speaker 1: a plane for you, I will do whatever. But if
Speaker 1: you don't pick up the phone, I am not going
Speaker 1: to be hurt by that. I'm not going to think
Speaker 1: that you're less of a friend. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: think anything. Yeah, but it was like, you know, he
Speaker 1: would ask us to like drive somewhere far and we
Speaker 1: had the kid, and we'd be like, no, man, we can't,
Speaker 1: Like we love you, but like we're not going to
Speaker 1: fucking drive an hour to go like do this thing whatever,
Speaker 1: you know, and like then sometimes getting offended and it
Speaker 1: was just like, well we were just doesn't mean we
Speaker 1: love you less. Like it's just we just have a
Speaker 1: life and can't see you and we can't see you, right,
Speaker 1: I can't do that. Just like this measuring it can't
Speaker 1: be it's not a Tit for tat you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, Like, that's not what friendship is. And I
Speaker 1: thought that that was so wise.
Speaker 3: I remember an old friend that's no longer a friend.
Speaker 3: I remember her getting so upset with me because I
Speaker 3: didn't buy her a good enough birthday present. And instead
Speaker 3: of seeing that that was a totally terrible red flag
Speaker 3: for the next like thing.
Speaker 1: I think it was like Christmas or something. I bought
Speaker 1: her a leather jacket. Oh well, see that's easy kind
Speaker 1: of yeah. It was very people pleasey. It was very like, oh,
Speaker 1: I have to show her that I like, really care
Speaker 1: about her because I didn't.
Speaker 3: Buy her a good enough present. Meanwhile, like, you know,
Speaker 3: cut to ten years later and I'm like, what, like.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can't believe I did that, you know, like
Speaker 1: I can't believe I did that. And the thing is,
Speaker 1: and it sounds like, Henri, we're just gonna say his
Speaker 1: name different ways every time. Oh, we're so sorry, we're
Speaker 1: not making fun of your name. We're not so sorry,
Speaker 1: We're so sorry. It sounds like because h mentioned like
Speaker 1: toxic relationships. And while I will say, is if that
Speaker 1: story that Stephanie just told resonates with you, I think
Speaker 1: the other part of that. That's hard to see when
Speaker 1: you're in those relationships because it can be really scary
Speaker 1: to end friendships because you're afraid of being alone or
Speaker 1: lonely or not having that support system. But also while
Speaker 1: you stay in those relationships, there's no room for new ones,
Speaker 1: Like there's no and there's no room for you to grow,
Speaker 1: there's no room for you to grow, and like it
Speaker 1: is scary to end them. But in that process and
Speaker 1: you eventually make room for new friends that are actually
Speaker 1: good to you and that are like the people you're
Speaker 1: that are you're supposed to be around and that you know,
Speaker 1: and you can actually have a real chance of finding
Speaker 1: your community. And so I think, you know, you have
Speaker 1: to have a bit of like hope and faith in
Speaker 1: that and like you know, like we talked about in
Speaker 1: that other episode, go on awkward friend dates, but like
Speaker 1: you know, but then you really have the chance to
Speaker 1: like find your people. Cause yeah, it's true, man, It's
Speaker 1: like those responses when you put up a boundary tell
Speaker 1: you so much more about that person than yourself.
Speaker 4: I mean, I want to.
Speaker 1: Read this is from Buzzweed. Okay, these are quotes that
Speaker 1: isis our producer found from twenty one former people pleasers
Speaker 1: are sharing the dumbest things I've ever done for someone,
Speaker 1: and I just want I just want to go through
Speaker 1: a couple of these. Oh my god, please the first one.
Speaker 3: Then the night after I gave birth, I gave my
Speaker 3: ex husband the hospital bed because he was complaining NonStop
Speaker 3: about how uncomfortable he was in the chair.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, ma'am what, I'm sorry? What? What?
Speaker 1: And he took it like he slept in the bed.
Speaker 3: You guys can't see us, but I'm making the Chick
Speaker 3: fil A girl face the no Chick fil A sauce what?
Speaker 1: Like, I can't believe it. That's not even people pleasing.
Speaker 1: That's like, I am so happy that sentence says ex husband.
Speaker 1: I am ex husband because if it said husband, I
Speaker 1: would have a million following questions. Yeah. No, that's all.
Speaker 1: That's horrible. That's that is horrible. Not okay, Oh okay,
Speaker 1: I said that. I was. It was all right.
Speaker 3: When my ex forgot about my birthday, I told him
Speaker 3: I don't like my birthday anyway, so he'd feel less
Speaker 3: guilty for forgetting. Oh that's so sad, that's so sad.
Speaker 1: But you know, I feel like I did some version
Speaker 1: of that when I was younger, like not maybe with
Speaker 1: a birthday, but like an anniversary or something. When I
Speaker 1: was young, just be like, oh, it's so big deal,
Speaker 1: like who even cares? Like, but I obviously like I cared.
Speaker 1: I was like, you couldn't buy a fucking In my head,
Speaker 1: I'm like, you couldn't just like buy a card. You
Speaker 1: couldn't just like put a reminder on your phone, Like
Speaker 1: oh that. I feel like a lot of people would
Speaker 1: relate to that one. But oh yes, yes, okay, listen
Speaker 1: to this one. I took out a loan from my
Speaker 1: boyfriend because I supported him in his business dreams. His
Speaker 1: credit was awful, so he'd ask me to help him
Speaker 1: and sign the papers, promising me he'd make all the payments.
Speaker 1: You can imagine how that turned out.
Speaker 3: Oh oh my god, that makes me so mad.
Speaker 1: What that makes me so mad?
Speaker 4: Dick?
Speaker 1: So it makes me so mad. This is discussion money
Speaker 1: and friends.
Speaker 4: But oh yeah, okay.
Speaker 1: Going to all of those Mary kay Avon and other
Speaker 1: MLM parties, it was a huge waste of my time
Speaker 1: and money just because I couldn't say no to the invitations. Okay.
Speaker 1: I just remembered something when I used to teach workout
Speaker 1: classes I first moved to LA there was another teacher
Speaker 1: who was a workout like an instructor, and she was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I would like I would love to meet some of
Speaker 1: your friends and like we should do like a a
Speaker 1: like don't you live in this neighborhood, like we should
Speaker 1: buy some some girls from the studio, blah blah blah whatever.
Speaker 1: She threw an MLM party at my house like I
Speaker 1: thought we were doing. She showed up with some supers.
Speaker 1: She showed up and.
Speaker 3: With her total She was like, I'm gonna do a
Speaker 3: hand scrub for everyone in the bathroom.
Speaker 1: And I was like, what's going on? Like I didn't know, Like.
Speaker 3: It was so embarrassing because I'd invited a bunch of
Speaker 3: girls over to like I think it was like we were.
Speaker 1: Doing like sushi night. We're like making sushi or something.
Speaker 1: And then she came with, oh, it was so embarrassing.
Speaker 3: I was like, I cannot believe I'm throwing an MLM
Speaker 3: party right now, girl, mortifying.
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you to throw a party
Speaker 1: at your house. Listen, I don't even want to admit this.
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell you about all the Essential
Speaker 1: oil I bought, and I feel like I did buy
Speaker 1: Mary Kay in my twenties. And there was another one too,
Speaker 1: and I did. I was in those. It was I
Speaker 1: did the essential oils. It was always actor friend, you
Speaker 1: know what I mean or like, and there was our differends,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oils would change your life, and
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, yeah, okay, and you'll do it. And
Speaker 1: then my brain would go like, oh man, like I
Speaker 1: respect the hustle man, like you know, this is a
Speaker 1: tough job we have, and like I said no, But I.
Speaker 3: Should have just said no because I didn't use that ship.
Speaker 3: I should have said no, I didn't use it, use
Speaker 3: that shit. And not only did I not use shit,
Speaker 3: I forgot to cancel my subscription and spent so I
Speaker 3: still have.
Speaker 1: Still have a drawer Essential.
Speaker 3: Oh i'll show it to you next time.
Speaker 1: These are toils. I will say it was like a
Speaker 1: little bit better because I did use those. I still
Speaker 1: use them, I know. Like so on psychology today, Oh yes,
Speaker 1: people people pleasing tests that you can take. So we're
Speaker 1: gonna go through it really quick because there's only a
Speaker 1: few questions. All right, Ready, here we go.
Speaker 3: I try to meet the expectations.
Speaker 1: Of others, I don't really like. I'm like, nahue, I
Speaker 1: think I agree on that one. If I know someone
Speaker 1: has an expectation of me, I'm just like gotta get
Speaker 1: that a oh god, I agree with others just to
Speaker 1: keep the peace medium, i'd say, like right in the middle. Yeah,
Speaker 1: me too. I'm afraid to say no to people hard disagree. Yes, same,
Speaker 1: because I am in my say no era of life.
Speaker 1: They know.
Speaker 3: I rarely share my opinions because I don't want to
Speaker 3: upset anyone.
Speaker 1: I don't think so I probably should share less opinions.
Speaker 1: But unfortunately that one does not ring true for me.
Speaker 1: Listen to this one.
Speaker 3: I feel responsible for the happiness of the people in
Speaker 3: my life. A hard agree for that one for me.
Speaker 1: Oh god, that's heavy. That's heavy. That's heavy, especially when
Speaker 1: you're a parent or you're caretaker or yeah. Like like yeah,
Speaker 1: I catch myself sometimes like questioning if my happiness is
Speaker 1: dependent on the happiness of my family.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just feel like responsible for it.
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, I can feel happy, but I just feel
Speaker 1: like they also, I need to make sure that they
Speaker 1: are also happy. I gotta you know, yeah they Yeah,
Speaker 1: standing up for myself can be hard. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes
Speaker 1: I'm in the middle. Yeah. I need the validation of others.
Speaker 1: I mean, we do a job. We're like the validation
Speaker 1: is sort of dependent on me. Need this, we need
Speaker 1: the clapping employment. Yeah, yeah, we literally need people to clap.
Speaker 1: I'm going to go in the middle there because yes,
Speaker 1: in job, but like no in other parts. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: feel terrible when another person is unhappy with the decision
Speaker 1: I've made. Sometimes yeah, I kind of feel bad, but like,
Speaker 1: oh wow, yeah, I gotta protect my peace. Yeah.
Speaker 3: I rarely disagree with others. I'd rather be like no.
Speaker 1: Sorry, low key, low key at all, low key. I
Speaker 1: love disagreeing with people. I know you do, I know
Speaker 1: you do. Okay.
Speaker 3: I often seek reassurance from others.
Speaker 1: Ooh wow, oh burn right here at the end, Wow,
Speaker 1: yeah I do, I do? I do? Okay. Last question.
Speaker 3: I rarely take on responsibilities that are not mine. Oh
Speaker 3: let me read that again, because I had a frog
Speaker 3: in my throat?
Speaker 1: Is the frog? Okay? How's the frog? Okay? Geez I
Speaker 1: I feel like I do do that again. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna because yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's hard, I'm going to like soft to disagree,
Speaker 3: Like sometimes I do things that I shouldn't be doing. Yeah,
Speaker 3: so we're in the middle. We're like really square in
Speaker 3: the middle. We got a score of fifty four, okay
Speaker 3: out of one hundred. We are right in the middle.
Speaker 3: You have some tendency to please others. You're not entirely
Speaker 3: secure within yourself. You may hold back from some of
Speaker 3: your opinions, and at times you treated like a doormat.
Speaker 3: How dare you psychology today? You may want to strengthen
Speaker 3: your self worth and insecurity. Well obviously, obviously, Okay.
Speaker 1: Here's the thing, though, we all have like those tendency.
Speaker 2: Do you know what I mean?
Speaker 1: Like we're fucking human trying our best. If we didn't
Speaker 1: have any of those tendencies, I don't know, we'd be
Speaker 1: like a fucking monk somewhere, like living some peaceful lass life,
Speaker 1: or like we never would have been around anyone when
Speaker 1: we were children, because like the first thing you were saying, like,
Speaker 1: I don't know.
Speaker 3: As a child, the people pleaser may have had to
Speaker 3: earn love from an emotionally unavailable, inconsistent parent, or perhaps
Speaker 3: the love they received with conditional.
Speaker 1: Hello, I'm in my hand.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's real. It's really hard.
Speaker 1: So like the other thing I was going to say
Speaker 1: is like call yourself some slack, Like even saying no
Speaker 1: a little bit is a big win if you have
Speaker 1: a big, big problem with this, yeah, really really hard. Well,
Speaker 1: And the other thing I want to point out too,
Speaker 1: is like if you don't get better at getting out
Speaker 1: of these toxic relationships and like being better about saying no,
Speaker 1: establishing boundaries, Like there was a Harvard trained psychologist that
Speaker 1: found burnout is much higher with people pleasers. They're at
Speaker 1: a much higher risk of burnout. Unsurprising. Yeah, because you're
Speaker 1: just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, all the time, and
Speaker 1: you know you gotta put that little mask on first, right,
Speaker 1: like they tell you on the airplane, put your mask
Speaker 1: on first before assisting others. Like, yeah, it's that thing,
Speaker 1: it's that thing. Yeah, you have to, like otherwise you
Speaker 1: gonna pass out, honey. Otherwise you're gonna pass out and
Speaker 1: you're not gonna help anyone. You're not gonna be any
Speaker 1: good to anyone at all.
Speaker 3: We'll just be on the floor in a death drop.
Speaker 1: Yeah out. Yeah, everyone around you're dead because you didn't
Speaker 1: put your fucking mask on first. Yeah, and you couldn't
Speaker 1: help anybody. Oh No, you're people pleasing you're people and
Speaker 1: everybody else.
Speaker 4: More better?
Speaker 1: That was good.
Speaker 3: I feel I do actually feel a little more better
Speaker 3: about like my own people pleasing.
Speaker 1: So I think that was a really good question. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I do do it a lot, but it's okay. But
Speaker 1: it's okay. I think I think the times that we
Speaker 1: do it and and you know, and the volume which
Speaker 1: we do it is acceptable and it's something that we
Speaker 1: can definitely, you know, try to be more better at,
Speaker 1: but like, yeah, and be aware of That's why I
Speaker 1: really liked this question from on.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Am I doing that to be helpful?
Speaker 1: Am I doing that to be Is it? Is it
Speaker 1: for me? Or is it for somebody else? I think
Speaker 1: maybe that's the that's the core question, right. Am I
Speaker 1: doing this because I really want to? That's it? If
Speaker 1: I don't really want to nail it, maybe I can
Speaker 1: give myself permission to not do it. Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Oh that was great.
Speaker 1: That was great. That was great, great question. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: thanks guys, see you next week.
Speaker 2: Bye bye, more better.
Speaker 1: Dude, you have something you'd like to be more better
Speaker 1: at that you want us to talk about in a
Speaker 1: future episodes. Can you relate to our struggles or have
Speaker 1: you tried one of our tips and tricks. Shoot us
Speaker 1: your thoughts and ideas at Morebetter pod at gmail dot
Speaker 1: com and conclude a voice note if you want to
Speaker 1: be featured on the pod. Ooh, More Better with Stephanie
Speaker 1: Melissa is a production from Wvsound and iHeartMedia's Mikutura podcast network,
Speaker 1: hosted by me, Steffie Beatriz, and Melissa Fumero. More Better
Speaker 1: is produced by Isis Madrid, Leo Clem, and Sophie Spencer Zebos.
Speaker 1: Our executive producers are Wilmer Valderrama and Leo Clem at wvsound.
Speaker 1: This episode was edited by Isis Madrid and engineered by
Speaker 1: Sean Tracy and features original music by Madison Davenport and
Speaker 1: Heylo Boy. Our cover art is by Vincent Remis and
Speaker 1: photography by David Avalos. For more podcasts from iHeart, visit
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to
Speaker 1: your favorite shows. See you next week, Suga bye,