1 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,880 Speaker 1: Welcome back to I Do Part two. 2 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,639 Speaker 2: I'm one of your hosts, Jenny Garth, and today I 3 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:21,079 Speaker 2: wanted to bring in a guest to talk about something 4 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,320 Speaker 2: that I've never even heard of before. 5 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:23,800 Speaker 1: You guys. 6 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 2: She is a divorce coach and a certified divorce mediator. 7 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:31,440 Speaker 2: She has been at this for over ten years. I 8 00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 2: love her TikTok, and she is the co host of 9 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,720 Speaker 2: her own podcast, Divorce with Sam and Leah. I can't 10 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 2: wait to talk with Samantha Boss Samantha. What the heck 11 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:43,560 Speaker 2: is a divorce coach? 12 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:49,560 Speaker 3: A game changer, a lifesaver, a financial saver? Well, okay, 13 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 3: I mean it's a little bit of like we're the 14 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:54,640 Speaker 3: catchup all trades. It just kind of depends on what 15 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 3: your case needs and what I'm finding my clients need. 16 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,800 Speaker 3: They're typically a high conflict divorce, meaning it's not going well, 17 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:06,039 Speaker 3: court is dragging out, co parenting's not starting off on 18 00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:09,319 Speaker 3: the right foot. And they're usually women that have been 19 00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:12,640 Speaker 3: in some type of toxic, abusive relationship and they don't 20 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:16,160 Speaker 3: know themselves yet because they were not happy in the marriage, 21 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,520 Speaker 3: and then they're going divorce, but there's this trial period 22 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,600 Speaker 3: where they're like segueing from the abuse to independence, and 23 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 3: that's when all the decisions happen. 24 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, even if you're not abused per se, like you've 25 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,000 Speaker 2: just been in this situation that wasn't serving. 26 00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,160 Speaker 1: You and you come out and you don't even know 27 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:34,960 Speaker 1: which ways up. 28 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:39,479 Speaker 2: So my only question really for this entire interview is 29 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 2: why weren't you there when I needed you? 30 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,840 Speaker 3: Why wasn't I round when I was going? I mean, 31 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 3: my divorce lasted forever. That's what everybody says when they 32 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 3: meet me and they catch the vibe and they know 33 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,600 Speaker 3: what services I can offer, and it's like, where were you? 34 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,240 Speaker 3: Where were you? You know I found you too late? 35 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 3: Where were you two years ago? You know I wasn't 36 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 3: on your feed yet. 37 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 2: Now I want to know what is it specifically that 38 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:00,440 Speaker 2: you do here? 39 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 3: Well, my specialty and my bread and butter, which I 40 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 3: just I could sit on stage and talk for hours about, 41 00:02:06,840 --> 00:02:11,120 Speaker 3: is parenting plans, because that's where mine went wrong. Parenting plan, 42 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,639 Speaker 3: you know, customizing them, making sure they're detailed, making sure 43 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,000 Speaker 3: they're protecting you and not you know, leaving a bunch 44 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 3: of gray area for a high conflict personality to take 45 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,480 Speaker 3: over you. Getting your parenting plan all the way from 46 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:25,880 Speaker 3: diapers to diploma. So I customize parenting plans for people 47 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:27,880 Speaker 3: because when you again, you're in that middle phase. You 48 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 3: were married and you want to be single parent, but 49 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,320 Speaker 3: you're in this phase of decision making and you just 50 00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,680 Speaker 3: don't know. You know, if you're divorcing with kids that 51 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:38,360 Speaker 3: are two, three, five, seven years old, you're raising kids 52 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,880 Speaker 3: for the first time. You don't know what's ahead even 53 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:44,200 Speaker 3: in a good situation, let alone you know a situation 54 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 3: where you're not getting along with your co parent now. 55 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,680 Speaker 3: So I customize those parenting plans. I get you wherever 56 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,000 Speaker 3: you're at with your kids, whatever age the youngest is, 57 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 3: and I get you all the way to high school, 58 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 3: and I cover everything that you can think of from education, extracurricular, religion, 59 00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 3: and medical and everything in between. And we covered all. 60 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,480 Speaker 2: You sound like an expert. I to really love this conversation. 61 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:07,680 Speaker 2: I want to know, though, about your journey, because you know, 62 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,960 Speaker 2: there's yeah, there's nothing I love more than when you 63 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:15,280 Speaker 2: work with someone who has actually walked the same path 64 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:19,639 Speaker 2: that you've walked. And you were in a high conflict 65 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 2: divorce situation and ended up being taking a lot of 66 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,920 Speaker 2: years probably off of your life and a lot of 67 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 2: money out of your account. 68 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,440 Speaker 3: Yeah, And so as I was going through that, I 69 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 3: was highly educated. I came from a good family. I 70 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,040 Speaker 3: was the first person to get divorced, and so there 71 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,720 Speaker 3: was a lot of shame and guilt of like, why 72 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,400 Speaker 3: couldn't I make this work? So I went into it 73 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 3: acting like I was fine. So I hired a really 74 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 3: good attorney. I was fine. I had a good, good attorney, 75 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 3: so I thought, you know, and as I was going 76 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,240 Speaker 3: through this process, because it was taking so long, people 77 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,720 Speaker 3: friends and family started asking me questions as they went 78 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,200 Speaker 3: through a divorce, and I kept on teaching because I 79 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,720 Speaker 3: was an educator at the time. And I went through 80 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,360 Speaker 3: My divorce took about four years, and we were in 81 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,720 Speaker 3: court another four years after that over petty stuff that 82 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,480 Speaker 3: we just you know, couldn't help ourselves. We love the courtroom. 83 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,800 Speaker 3: And as I was going through that and helping friends 84 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 3: and family, I realized like my true passion was correcting 85 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,240 Speaker 3: my mistake. I felt joy when I helped people. I 86 00:04:11,280 --> 00:04:14,000 Speaker 3: felt like, Okay, don't do that because that's what I did. 87 00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:16,160 Speaker 3: You know, don't answer it that way, because that's what 88 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 3: I did. And it was a lot of healing in 89 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:20,599 Speaker 3: that and then when I met my now husband, Jared, 90 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,440 Speaker 3: he was like, why don't you quit teaching kids and 91 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,000 Speaker 3: teach adults about divorce? And at first I was like, 92 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 3: you are absolutely insane, Like who would pay me to 93 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,880 Speaker 3: help them? You know? And he's like, people call you 94 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,919 Speaker 3: every day like people, and you're doing it for free. 95 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:37,280 Speaker 3: And there it went, and he just said, hey, why 96 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:39,279 Speaker 3: don't you become a mediator? So I did that at first, 97 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 3: and I was getting couples all the time and that 98 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 3: was great, but it wasn't my story. My story. We 99 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,159 Speaker 3: didn't work out a mediation, we did not get along. 100 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,120 Speaker 3: So I wanted to help me, the former me. So 101 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 3: then I just started helping one client at a time 102 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:55,800 Speaker 3: and that's when it just it clicked. It felt right, 103 00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,680 Speaker 3: and education is my number one objective. I just want 104 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 3: people to know what's ahead and to know what their 105 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:06,279 Speaker 3: options are. I just don't think you get told because 106 00:05:06,279 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 3: you're talking to a high priced attorney what your options are. 107 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 3: So then that's how my business just evolved. I kind 108 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,160 Speaker 3: of I say that I've pivoted no less than nine 109 00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 3: times in my business because I'm trying to fit exactly 110 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,880 Speaker 3: what the former me needed and I needed support, and 111 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 3: I needed an education and I needed somebody to say 112 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 3: do this instead of just winging it and hoping that 113 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,200 Speaker 3: it was going to work. 114 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,920 Speaker 2: If you're getting me all fired up over here, I'm 115 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,320 Speaker 2: getting a little angry because I didn't have anybody like you, 116 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,680 Speaker 2: and I was winging it. 117 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,400 Speaker 1: Nobody told me anything. 118 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:40,320 Speaker 2: I didn't have any kind of knowledge of what anybody 119 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:44,479 Speaker 2: was talking about, sort as like legal terms and yes. 120 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,000 Speaker 2: And I committed to things that I would not have 121 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,600 Speaker 2: committed to if I had known what I was committing to. 122 00:05:50,040 --> 00:05:53,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, well, I think people have a good heart. There's 123 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,320 Speaker 3: always one person in the divorce that has a good heart, 124 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 3: has good intentions and once to co parent and once 125 00:05:58,320 --> 00:06:00,599 Speaker 3: to work with the other and will put the kids first. 126 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:04,799 Speaker 3: But when you're met with resistance and bitterness and angry 127 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 3: and just hatred the stuff that you agree to, you're like, Okay, 128 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,240 Speaker 3: well it'll get better and they'll come around and it'll 129 00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,080 Speaker 3: work out right now. And that's what your lawyer sometimes 130 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:16,840 Speaker 3: tells you is, hey, don't worry about it, Jenny Wine, 131 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:20,680 Speaker 3: the ink dries, it's going to go smoother. Eighteen years 132 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,680 Speaker 3: Mine was a bumpy, twisty, windy road that never got smooth, 133 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,800 Speaker 3: and so I think that's where I think people's expectations. 134 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,000 Speaker 3: They go into it different and it stays different, and 135 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,440 Speaker 3: it's not going to go back healed for everybody the 136 00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:35,119 Speaker 3: way you see on TV, or you see your friends 137 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 3: across the street hell their neighbors and they still do 138 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,520 Speaker 3: Christmas together, and that's great for them. But that's not everybody. 139 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:45,040 Speaker 2: That's not everybody. I've been on both sides of that river. Yeah, 140 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,320 Speaker 2: spent a lot of time angry and mad and bitter 141 00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:51,479 Speaker 2: and resentful and all the things. And I just reached 142 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 2: a point in my personal life where I thought, oh 143 00:06:53,839 --> 00:06:56,919 Speaker 2: my god, this is bringing me down. It's bringing me 144 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,719 Speaker 2: down mentally, it's bringing me down physically. Look in the mirror, 145 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,600 Speaker 2: I don't like what who's looking back at me, Honne. 146 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:07,919 Speaker 2: And I needed to like take charge of, like flipping 147 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 2: the conversation in my own head so that I could 148 00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:11,840 Speaker 2: come at it from a different way. 149 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,920 Speaker 3: Well, that was the only thing that's going to change. 150 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,160 Speaker 3: And I think anybody listening that's going through a high 151 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,280 Speaker 3: conflict co parenting journey or even divorce, the only thing 152 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 3: you have control over is your own journey. You don't 153 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,880 Speaker 3: have control over the other house. Or the other attorney, 154 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,520 Speaker 3: or what your ex is doing, or how they're parenting 155 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,960 Speaker 3: at their house. The only thing you can control is 156 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,960 Speaker 3: how you interpret information, how you receive it, and how 157 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,840 Speaker 3: it comes out of you, you know, when you want 158 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,480 Speaker 3: to go back and talk and have a conversation. And 159 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 3: I think too many of us are trying to control 160 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 3: another house or have input about the other house, or 161 00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,120 Speaker 3: care too much. 162 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 2: Oh my god, I wasted so much time trying to 163 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:52,200 Speaker 2: like know, because I mean, that's brutal, Like you know, 164 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,280 Speaker 2: for me, I was everything. My kids were everything, and 165 00:07:55,360 --> 00:08:00,000 Speaker 2: three little girls, and I giving up basically my life, 166 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,720 Speaker 2: my identity and become so much of a mom to 167 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:06,480 Speaker 2: these three girls. And I loved every second of it. 168 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:08,679 Speaker 2: So I wasn't like sad about that at the time. 169 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,480 Speaker 2: But when they did leave, I was like, oh my god. 170 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 2: I text him, I call him. I try to make 171 00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:19,160 Speaker 2: sure that their safety is this and they're eating that, 172 00:08:19,360 --> 00:08:21,640 Speaker 2: and that they know they have their bags packed the 173 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,920 Speaker 2: proper way like, and all I got was like, click, 174 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 2: hang up, no, text back, stay out of it. You 175 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,880 Speaker 2: don't belong here, there's no place for you. Don't worry 176 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,640 Speaker 2: about us. I've got it covered. All the things and 177 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,960 Speaker 2: those all those things would just make me so much 178 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:39,280 Speaker 2: angrier until I did come to terms with the fact 179 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 2: that I don't get to have any say in my 180 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,840 Speaker 2: daughters once they leave my door. 181 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,520 Speaker 3: Yes, and that is a very and I think that's 182 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 3: why women stay too long, you know, or just anybody 183 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,760 Speaker 3: stays too long in the marriage. But yeah, it's a 184 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:55,240 Speaker 3: big pill to swallow. The first couple of weekends they're gone, 185 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,040 Speaker 3: seeing them show up somewhere and their hairs all a mess, 186 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,960 Speaker 3: that they're in a weird outfit, or you get the 187 00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 3: call from the school that hey, you know, little Susie 188 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 3: doesn't have her lunch today, like what are you doing? 189 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:10,160 Speaker 3: And you're just like, you know, like you gasp of embarrassment, 190 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,240 Speaker 3: and then you're like, I feel so bad for my child, 191 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,560 Speaker 3: and you're like, get your shit together, you know. But 192 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 3: you have no control on any of it. But I 193 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,480 Speaker 3: see a lot of people spend so much time and 194 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,920 Speaker 3: energy on obsessing about the other house and the care 195 00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,480 Speaker 3: and the quality, and they lose themselves and they lose 196 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 3: And this is the thing that I did wrong. For 197 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,839 Speaker 3: eight years, I had no boundaries for eight years. I 198 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 3: let him control my house for eight years in co parenting, 199 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 3: and until I learned boundaries, my relationship with my children 200 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,079 Speaker 3: was at risk because I was parenting how he wanted 201 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,800 Speaker 3: me to parent, and I was doing things that the 202 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,640 Speaker 3: court wanted me to do, and I was so I 203 00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:44,200 Speaker 3: was still in court. I was going to court all 204 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,160 Speaker 3: the time, and I was just not focused. I was tired, 205 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 3: I was anxious. I was broke, I was miserable. I 206 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 3: was drinking too much. I did all the smoking cigarettes 207 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,400 Speaker 3: like a fiend as soon as they went to bed. 208 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:59,200 Speaker 3: I was doing it all wrong because I wasn't. I 209 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,319 Speaker 3: was so obsessed with the co parenting journey and how 210 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,560 Speaker 3: shitty it was, and the divorce process and what will 211 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:06,520 Speaker 3: be the thing that'll make the stop. I was obsessed 212 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:09,240 Speaker 3: with finding the thing that would get us on the 213 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 3: co parenting journey. I didn't have radical acceptance that I 214 00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:13,800 Speaker 3: was just in high conflict and it was going to 215 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,559 Speaker 3: stay that way forever. But at the eight year mark, 216 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,240 Speaker 3: I hit, you know, the absorbents of boundaries and self 217 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,960 Speaker 3: love and self care. And as soon as I did that, 218 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:27,280 Speaker 3: my relationship with my children changed. We became unbreakable. My 219 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,600 Speaker 3: relationships with friends and family grew, and I didn't care 220 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,160 Speaker 3: less what he was doing like it was just like 221 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 3: a switch went off, and I'm like. 222 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,160 Speaker 1: So free. Didn't you feel so free in the peace? 223 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 3: I mean it was just this warm blanket that comes 224 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,480 Speaker 3: over And then it almost became a laughable game when 225 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,080 Speaker 3: he would try to get to me and I'm like, good, try, 226 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 3: like like I knew this coming into I teach my 227 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,600 Speaker 3: clients a Bingo card, especially if they're new to figuring 228 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,920 Speaker 3: out their ex. You should be doing a Bingo card 229 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 3: about every situation. So if you have a school function 230 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,360 Speaker 3: coming up and makes you really nervous because you know 231 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,640 Speaker 3: your ex is going to bring five family members, maybe 232 00:11:03,679 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 3: a new significant other, show up late, you know, bring 233 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,440 Speaker 3: everybody and their brother, have your kids show up late, 234 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,680 Speaker 3: you know, not embarrass you with a teacher. Write all 235 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:12,680 Speaker 3: those on a bingo card. 236 00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,160 Speaker 1: Oh my god. I love this idea because. 237 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,600 Speaker 3: Then you know, you sit with you. My mom was 238 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:17,960 Speaker 3: my rock, so I would sit with my mom and 239 00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:19,719 Speaker 3: we would make a Bingo card about court. You know, 240 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,000 Speaker 3: what's he going to wear, what elevator is he coming? 241 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,720 Speaker 3: Because he always did the same thing. Where's he going 242 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,679 Speaker 3: to part? You know, what's he going to say? Who's 243 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,280 Speaker 3: he bringing with him? You know? Things like that, and 244 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 3: then at the end of it, I would, you know, 245 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:31,559 Speaker 3: we would exchange the bingo card and I'd be like, 246 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:33,480 Speaker 3: oh mom, like you got more than I did. And 247 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:38,480 Speaker 3: it was this way fun humor to it and expectations 248 00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,800 Speaker 3: because then when he did something you know, outlandish in court, 249 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,679 Speaker 3: I was like, damn, I had that one down. 250 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,079 Speaker 1: Yeah, it doesn't anger you as much as it does, yes, because. 251 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,280 Speaker 3: I expected it. It's a pattern and anybody of high 252 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,800 Speaker 3: conflict it's a pattern behavior. I mean, there's nothing new 253 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,319 Speaker 3: they're throwing at you. Guys. You just need to pay 254 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 3: attention to the patterns and do bingo cards, and then 255 00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 3: it becomes less toxic for you, like you'll react better, 256 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,760 Speaker 3: you'll stay emotionally raked because it's an expectation versus a 257 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 3: I cannot believe that happened. 258 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,480 Speaker 1: Well, you know it's gonna happen, yeah, right right, So. 259 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,559 Speaker 3: Write it down and then it becomes something to where 260 00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:10,800 Speaker 3: you get to the point where you don't even have 261 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,000 Speaker 3: to do the car just when you sit in the 262 00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 3: car and you're like, Okay, this is how this could 263 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 3: go one of six ways. This is going to you know, 264 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,920 Speaker 3: go this way, and then it becomes an expectation and 265 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,200 Speaker 3: a learned behavior and then your responses can get better 266 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,120 Speaker 3: and your piece stays there versus you know, going and 267 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,320 Speaker 3: everything like, well it goes well, it's probably not prepare 268 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,680 Speaker 3: for the probably not you know, have your body ready 269 00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 3: for it? Probably not going well. 270 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:38,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so you cannot be prepared when this is 271 00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,560 Speaker 2: your first rodeo, or even if it's your second rodeo. 272 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:44,240 Speaker 2: But now you have more little clowns in the in 273 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 2: your kurt kids take care of like you don't. There's 274 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:52,280 Speaker 2: so much you don't know when. And divorce is a business. 275 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,080 Speaker 2: I feel like it is. 276 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 3: I mean it's a it's a billion dollar industry every year. 277 00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 3: And I think just having a divorce coach somebody, people 278 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:03,000 Speaker 3: like you said, you know what is this. We're the calm, 279 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,720 Speaker 3: We're the educator, we're the handholder. You know, you have 280 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 3: a very high priced attorney that every time you call 281 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 3: costs you three hundred to six hundred dollars depending on 282 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,439 Speaker 3: where you live, you know, and sometimes all you want 283 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,320 Speaker 3: to do is just bitch on the phone and have 284 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,200 Speaker 3: somebody say that's not right, Jenny. Let us do that 285 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,560 Speaker 3: for a way more affordable cost to where you can 286 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,880 Speaker 3: get all that emotional stuff out and then we can 287 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,440 Speaker 3: give you bullet points. Okay, take this to your attorney, 288 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,040 Speaker 3: and now you've gotten through the story, and your attorney 289 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,079 Speaker 3: really only has time for bullet points anyways, and they 290 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 3: really only want bullet points. They don't want the story, 291 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 3: you know, And so we can cut down costs. The 292 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 3: education part alone, just educating you about the process, educating 293 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,920 Speaker 3: you about you know, write a first refusal, holidays, vacation, 294 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,319 Speaker 3: how many vacation weeks should we have? And what does 295 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,080 Speaker 3: that look like? Can I take them back to back? 296 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 3: Explaining all of those options. That alone, just that educational 297 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 3: part takes away so much anxiety. You know, if you 298 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:56,080 Speaker 3: have mediation coming up and some attorneys just say, go 299 00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,040 Speaker 3: into it with an open mind, okay, but what are 300 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,480 Speaker 3: they gonna ask me? Well, we just let the mediator 301 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:03,520 Speaker 3: lead it, okay, but what are they going to ask me? 302 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,200 Speaker 3: That's up to your mediator. Okay, that sends me into 303 00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:12,680 Speaker 3: a tailspin. No, So letting us as divorce coaches educate 304 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,360 Speaker 3: you about here's all the things you should bring up 305 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,440 Speaker 3: if even if the mediator doesn't, because at the end 306 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 3: of the day, when the mediator's out of the picture, 307 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,840 Speaker 3: the lawyers out of the picture. You're with your kids 308 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:28,000 Speaker 3: using a paperwork to guide you, and if that paperwork 309 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 3: is horrible, you don't have good guidance, and then what 310 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:31,880 Speaker 3: do you have to do. You have to either a 311 00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:34,080 Speaker 3: call your ex, which you don't want to do and 312 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:36,720 Speaker 3: have to have those conversations, or b call a very 313 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 3: high priced attorney back to have them work it out 314 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,160 Speaker 3: for you. So either way you're doomed. It's not what 315 00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,400 Speaker 3: you want to be doing as a single parent. You 316 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,920 Speaker 3: want to move on and have really good paperwork. 317 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:59,320 Speaker 4: Yep, what was it you said you were a teacher before? 318 00:14:59,320 --> 00:14:59,960 Speaker 1: What did you teach? 319 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,920 Speaker 3: I taught pe, driver's ed and health. 320 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:06,880 Speaker 1: Okay, and I coached all these sports like those teenagers. 321 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,080 Speaker 3: Junior high in high school. Yeah, that was my bread 322 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 3: and butter. I loved it. I loved the kids. But 323 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,040 Speaker 3: there was something about and I think that's why I'm 324 00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:16,520 Speaker 3: good is because I was I was formed on teaching. 325 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,760 Speaker 3: You know, that was My background is all teaching and 326 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,800 Speaker 3: teaching and teaching. So I mean, you give me a subject, 327 00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 3: I can talk for hours about divorce. And so that's 328 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 3: why Jared was like, you have to teach people, like 329 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:28,040 Speaker 3: let all of the pain that you went through become 330 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:31,000 Speaker 3: your passion and just teach people better. And I know 331 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,040 Speaker 3: I've seen people thousands of dollars and that's great, but 332 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,600 Speaker 3: I know I've helped people take their power back and 333 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:39,800 Speaker 3: feel educated and well versed. When talking to their exes 334 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,560 Speaker 3: and with their attorneys. They feel like they know what 335 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,880 Speaker 3: they're talking and they know why. I always explain why something. 336 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,400 Speaker 3: I don't just say, hey, pick this for Christmas. I 337 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,800 Speaker 3: give them an example of why they should pick that 338 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,040 Speaker 3: for Christmas. And then it's like you see all these 339 00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 3: light bulb moments for people that are super distracted right 340 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,720 Speaker 3: now again and that really tough phase of married and 341 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 3: that divorce phase. You're emotional, you're worried about your kids, 342 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 3: you're finding yourself again, You're just you're worried about everything. 343 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 3: Let me guide you. Let me guide you through that 344 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 3: part because I've been there, done that, did it wrong, 345 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:12,680 Speaker 3: but now I know how to do it right. Well. 346 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:14,720 Speaker 2: First of all, I think like, because you had that 347 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:18,840 Speaker 2: experience teaching and sort of managing. 348 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,280 Speaker 3: A personalities different people, all different shapes and sizes, I. 349 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,440 Speaker 2: Feel like there's you know, a lot of guys who 350 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:29,640 Speaker 2: kind of stop developing at desertain age until they don't 351 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,240 Speaker 2: can't get away with it anymore. Yep, And I feel 352 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:35,520 Speaker 2: like that's good on the job training for you for surely. 353 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 2: So yeah, I'm a single mom, say, and I'm going 354 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:42,760 Speaker 2: through what has become a high conflict divorce and I 355 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 2: don't know what I need, but I know I need help. 356 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:49,040 Speaker 2: So a person like you is a person to turn 357 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 2: to for just to help you have a plan in 358 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 2: place to give you guidance. 359 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 3: Yeah, because I think my ideal client would be the 360 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,320 Speaker 3: woman that's at home going gosh, I want to leave, 361 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,120 Speaker 3: and this has given me hope. Like you know, I'll 362 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,960 Speaker 3: contact Sam. I want you to contact me before you 363 00:17:06,080 --> 00:17:08,520 Speaker 3: contact an attorney. And here's why I want you to 364 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:11,080 Speaker 3: be educated first when you go to that consultation, yes, 365 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,000 Speaker 3: with that attorney, because you should be doing two or 366 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,920 Speaker 3: three consultations to really get a full grab. And I 367 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,720 Speaker 3: would really like to take it a step further and 368 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:19,439 Speaker 3: not only get an education from me. I have a 369 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,520 Speaker 3: masterclass with a workbook that's phenomenal. It's only ninety seven dollars. 370 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,399 Speaker 3: I keep everything affordable because when I was going through 371 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,000 Speaker 3: my divorce, I couldn't affortue you. 372 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:27,240 Speaker 1: That's amazing though. 373 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:29,560 Speaker 3: Yeah, just so a little master class a couple hours long. 374 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,120 Speaker 3: You can learn all the lingo, learn about holidays, learn 375 00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,400 Speaker 3: what's going to be asked of you, right, And then 376 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,240 Speaker 3: I would really, if I had like the best wishes 377 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,040 Speaker 3: for you, I would want you to go ahead and 378 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:42,760 Speaker 3: build your parenting plan. That way, you can get everything 379 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,119 Speaker 3: wrote down of what ideally you would want for your kids, 380 00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,680 Speaker 3: from diapers to diploma, and then you use that paper 381 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,960 Speaker 3: to take into your consultations and say, okay, attorney, I 382 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,960 Speaker 3: know you're giving me all the right answers here, but 383 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:55,199 Speaker 3: I want you to look at this and if you 384 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,639 Speaker 3: really truly believe that you're a good fit for me, 385 00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,119 Speaker 3: what do you think of this proposed parenting plan. This 386 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:01,919 Speaker 3: is how much detail I want to have, this is 387 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,959 Speaker 3: the level of longevity I want to go. And what 388 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,239 Speaker 3: do you think? And I'm going to tell you right 389 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,879 Speaker 3: now that answer will dictate whether that's a good lawyer 390 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:11,800 Speaker 3: for your situation or not. Because that lawyer may get 391 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,440 Speaker 3: offended that you've already done a lot of work because 392 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,600 Speaker 3: that just decreased their billable hours. That attorney may say, 393 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,280 Speaker 3: absolutely not, We're not doing something like that. No judge 394 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,200 Speaker 3: will go for that, and it's like, well, that's because 395 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 3: you're still using a template from nineteen eighty four. Okay, 396 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:29,400 Speaker 3: so things have changed. Kids have modernized, so have relationships, 397 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,000 Speaker 3: and so has personality disorders. We need a little bit 398 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:34,199 Speaker 3: more detail in here. But there's attorneys out there that 399 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,920 Speaker 3: have seen my parenting plan and they love it because 400 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,959 Speaker 3: because modifications are on a rise, people are coming back 401 00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:42,320 Speaker 3: to court again and again again once they're divorced because 402 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,159 Speaker 3: they realize their paperwork is faulty and it doesn't go 403 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:47,080 Speaker 3: in age up with the children. No. 404 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,480 Speaker 2: But then you feel stuck because you've just gone through 405 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:53,920 Speaker 2: this expensive divorce and you realized you shouldn't have said 406 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,959 Speaker 2: no to this, or you should have said yes to this, 407 00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:58,520 Speaker 2: or you realize I don't even know what's happening. 408 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,520 Speaker 1: He's taking them forever other week, what right? 409 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:03,399 Speaker 2: And because that was my case, I was just like 410 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 2: in such a waze of like what I didn't even 411 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,520 Speaker 2: know what way was up? 412 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:09,119 Speaker 3: Right? 413 00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,159 Speaker 2: And then you have to go back like that's the 414 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,479 Speaker 2: only option. You have to go get it amended, and 415 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 2: that costs a ton of money. 416 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,760 Speaker 3: Too, Yep. And that's where that's just my frustration. I mean, 417 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,880 Speaker 3: I had three hundred cord entries for a reason. Because 418 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,800 Speaker 3: our parenting plan when we got it was four pages. 419 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,760 Speaker 3: I was so excited after four years to have a 420 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,320 Speaker 3: parenting plan. I mean I was like disappointed in what 421 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:29,239 Speaker 3: it said, you know, as far as visitation, but I 422 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,680 Speaker 3: was like, Okay, at least I have a parenting plan. 423 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,040 Speaker 3: And then the first time I went to use it, 424 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,399 Speaker 3: I was like, wait a second, like why is this 425 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,080 Speaker 3: not mentioned? Why is this not mentioned? So then I 426 00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,480 Speaker 3: casually called my ex because I thought we'd be co parenting, 427 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,760 Speaker 3: and he was like, doesn't say I have to. Oh. 428 00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,040 Speaker 3: I'm like, I'm like, wait a second, like you know, 429 00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:46,159 Speaker 3: or it was child support should cover that, child support 430 00:19:46,160 --> 00:19:47,800 Speaker 3: should cover that, you know, doesn't say I have to. 431 00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,320 Speaker 3: It was always like yeah, but this is for our kids. 432 00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:52,679 Speaker 3: This isn't for me. This is and if it's not written, 433 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,119 Speaker 3: they won't do it. And so I was stuck with 434 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,159 Speaker 3: this four page pairing plan. So every time, like the 435 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,280 Speaker 3: kids leap to a different phase of life, I would 436 00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:02,320 Speaker 3: have to go back and say can we add this 437 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 3: in here? And I kept asking can't we just kind 438 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,879 Speaker 3: of plan out? Because again I taught I know the 439 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:09,800 Speaker 3: phases of children. Can we just not ride out all 440 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:13,639 Speaker 3: the way to graduation. Well, we don't know yet, Sam, 441 00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,439 Speaker 3: So you would just want me every time they go 442 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,679 Speaker 3: through a new phase to hire my attorney, pay a 443 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,400 Speaker 3: new retainer, fill out paperwork, and go through this stress 444 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,000 Speaker 3: all over just when I'm telling you, let's just go 445 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 3: ahead and put it down. And my methodology is this. 446 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,600 Speaker 3: Too many people go into divorce thinking they'll be friends still, 447 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,359 Speaker 3: or they'll get along, or they'll just work on it 448 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,120 Speaker 3: later or discuss it later. My methodology would be plan 449 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:37,680 Speaker 3: for worst case scenario. You're already paying the money. Pay 450 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 3: for worst case scenario. Write out every detail you can 451 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 3: possibly think of all the way to graduation. And here's 452 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:45,800 Speaker 3: the deal. If you end up being that Kumbayau relationship 453 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,800 Speaker 3: and you are friends, put the fucker on the shelf 454 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,400 Speaker 3: and never look at it. But if you need it, 455 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,000 Speaker 3: you pull it out and you say, hey, I'd love 456 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,320 Speaker 3: to Steve, but I think I'm gonna follow the parenting 457 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,000 Speaker 3: plan on this one. 458 00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,960 Speaker 1: I didn't have a parenting plan. 459 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:05,080 Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, that makes my just blood boil for you. 460 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,160 Speaker 1: I don't know how he got through it. 461 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:12,080 Speaker 2: I remember a lot of feudal Well, I'm gonna call 462 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:16,800 Speaker 2: my lawyer threats, and then him saying, go ahead, you'll 463 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:17,600 Speaker 2: have to pay for it. 464 00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:20,880 Speaker 1: Then you're like, well, fuck me, I can't. I don't. 465 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 1: I don't have more of my nose pay for this. 466 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:25,040 Speaker 2: Yeah, I've got nothing. I can have no choices, I 467 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:27,440 Speaker 2: have no options. I have no way out of this 468 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,200 Speaker 2: awful feeling, right. 469 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:31,879 Speaker 3: And that's that's the situation that most of my clients have, 470 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:34,080 Speaker 3: is that they're willing to work with their co parent, 471 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,920 Speaker 3: and their co parent is a counterparent who always say, 472 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,040 Speaker 3: taking you to court. Then you can't do that. I'm 473 00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,600 Speaker 3: taking the kids from you. You're gonna have to pay 474 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 3: for my lawyer to where I'm already broke, So now 475 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,280 Speaker 3: you have me buy the balls. And you know, now 476 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,240 Speaker 3: I have to agree with what you want because I 477 00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 3: can't afford to take you to court. So then that 478 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,040 Speaker 3: high conflict parent gets away with murder every. 479 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:52,639 Speaker 1: Single time, every single time. 480 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:53,879 Speaker 3: And it's frustrating. 481 00:22:04,119 --> 00:22:05,040 Speaker 4: Okay, when you. 482 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,480 Speaker 2: Talk about that parenting plan, though, is that something that 483 00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:11,800 Speaker 2: you even though you're representing or working with one client, 484 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,080 Speaker 2: say in this case, the female, uh, the woman or 485 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,720 Speaker 2: whatever one partner, then you do you work with the 486 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 2: other parent as well to come up with that parenting 487 00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 2: plan or is it just what one side wants. 488 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,720 Speaker 3: It's just what one side wants to propose. So again, 489 00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 3: they're using that parenting plan to either find a really 490 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,520 Speaker 3: good attorney, they're using that parenting plan as a starting 491 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,000 Speaker 3: point to take mediation with them. Because we all know 492 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,360 Speaker 3: in our first mediation appointment we're like ass sweaty, nervous. 493 00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:40,320 Speaker 3: When we were just like, you know, mouth dry, and 494 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,400 Speaker 3: we see our high conflict person and then we may freeze, right, 495 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,320 Speaker 3: and then we forgot all those good things that our 496 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:48,720 Speaker 3: girlfriends and TikTok showed us and the reels and we're like, 497 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,439 Speaker 3: oh shit, we forgot. So that's why you need to 498 00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,040 Speaker 3: have it on paper, because you're gonna lose your mind 499 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:54,920 Speaker 3: at your first appointment. So having that there, you know, 500 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,280 Speaker 3: and then if doesn't go, well, okay, still I still 501 00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,360 Speaker 3: have it. Maybe I'll edit it a little bit, make 502 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 3: it from what I heard in mediation, But then my 503 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,760 Speaker 3: attorney is going to propose it to the other side 504 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,560 Speaker 3: attorney to attorney before our court date even comes up. 505 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,320 Speaker 3: So the attorneys are constantly trying to edit down because 506 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:11,600 Speaker 3: at the end of the day, when you have children 507 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:14,879 Speaker 3: and you're divorcing, everybody's gonna walk away with a parenting 508 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:16,600 Speaker 3: plan of some kind. It's going to have some kind 509 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,560 Speaker 3: of written, you know, documentation that says what's happening with 510 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:21,879 Speaker 3: the kids, what holidays, you know, what things are you doing? 511 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,800 Speaker 3: And so why not be the lead on that, because, 512 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,200 Speaker 3: like I've told my clients, I'm not polishing a turd. 513 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,439 Speaker 3: If you wait for your client to send over to 514 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:32,959 Speaker 3: our side and I'm helping you, I can't fix garbage, okay, 515 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 3: And mine is spectacular because again, diapers is a plane 516 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,480 Speaker 3: of detailed, detailed detail. And when I get these like 517 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,160 Speaker 3: six seven page parenting plans to just say, parties will 518 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,320 Speaker 3: later discuss, parties will lay to determine. No, I don't 519 00:23:45,359 --> 00:23:48,040 Speaker 3: want to determine anything with him later. I want it 520 00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,680 Speaker 3: to be done. So that's why I always want my 521 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:52,679 Speaker 3: client to have it done first. Be the proposer, be 522 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,119 Speaker 3: the ones that initiate, Be the lead, you know, for 523 00:23:55,119 --> 00:23:57,080 Speaker 3: in the marriage, most of my clients have been the 524 00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:59,280 Speaker 3: second person. They may have been leading in the organizer 525 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,520 Speaker 3: and everything, but they been second fiddle for most of 526 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,560 Speaker 3: the marriage. This is your opportunity to be leading through 527 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,120 Speaker 3: this process and feel like you have your power coming back. 528 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:08,240 Speaker 1: You know that. 529 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,679 Speaker 2: You know, you don't spend any time researching divorce or 530 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,480 Speaker 2: how that works until you're about to get one. 531 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:15,360 Speaker 1: But I feel like. 532 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,720 Speaker 2: In just talking to you, like I feel like we 533 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:21,760 Speaker 2: should talk about that, teach that before people get married. 534 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:22,360 Speaker 1: I mean not. 535 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,520 Speaker 2: People will not like that, probably because people don't even 536 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,959 Speaker 2: want to talk about prenups. But I feel like, if 537 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,960 Speaker 2: you're going to go into a legally binding situation with 538 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,280 Speaker 2: somebody and it looks amazing in this moment, you don't 539 00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,399 Speaker 2: know what's going to happen in life. Nobody knows, and 540 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,800 Speaker 2: again you have no control, right, so why not learn? 541 00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:43,520 Speaker 2: Why shouldn't we be teaching? And you know, it's another 542 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,080 Speaker 2: thing I wish we were teaching in school, like what 543 00:24:46,320 --> 00:24:48,800 Speaker 2: is marriage? What does that mean to us? And how 544 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,400 Speaker 2: does that affect our livelihood and our living situation? 545 00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,120 Speaker 1: All things? It's really important. 546 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:56,720 Speaker 3: Right. Well, I have two children from my divorce. We're now, 547 00:24:56,800 --> 00:25:00,760 Speaker 3: you know, twenty one and nineteen, and of them's in college. 548 00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,639 Speaker 3: She goes the University of Alabama, and she know, she 549 00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:06,840 Speaker 3: sees her peers, you know, going out and doing typical 550 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,040 Speaker 3: college behavior, and she's always playing through because she was 551 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 3: a child of at high conflict co parenting journey. She's 552 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 3: always like, Hey, I know you're dating that guy. If 553 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,719 Speaker 3: you sleep with them and happen to get pregnant, can 554 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,520 Speaker 3: you coparent for the next eighteen years with this guy? 555 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 3: I mean, my daughter's like the mom trying to be like, hey, 556 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,399 Speaker 3: you may have an accident that you don't intend to. 557 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,440 Speaker 3: Can you co parent with this But do you even 558 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,480 Speaker 3: know what their morals are? Do you know what they 559 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 3: want for Christmas? And not? Like my kids are so 560 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:32,919 Speaker 3: well versed in my business now. They're part of the 561 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 3: business and helping you know, other kids going through divorce 562 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:38,040 Speaker 3: and moms and giving input and things like that of 563 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:39,680 Speaker 3: what it was like because I didn't do it right 564 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,280 Speaker 3: and so they talk about, you know, my journey and stuff. 565 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:45,160 Speaker 3: But yeah, you have to be able to co parent 566 00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,520 Speaker 3: with this person before you have kids and having that 567 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,480 Speaker 3: strong conversation, Hey, before we get into kids. If we 568 00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 3: ever do split up, what would you think? What would 569 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:55,040 Speaker 3: it feel like? You know, on my second marriage with Jared, 570 00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:57,560 Speaker 3: I joke, but I'm not joking. You know, I am 571 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,800 Speaker 3: the breadwinner of our household. I've always joked that I 572 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:01,920 Speaker 3: will pay you child support. I will be the weekend 573 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,240 Speaker 3: warrior parent. I will swoop in for holidays like I 574 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,760 Speaker 3: can't go through another toxic divorce. There's just no way 575 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,679 Speaker 3: my body. But I also picked a man that I 576 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,480 Speaker 3: know it would never get that way. You know it's 577 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,119 Speaker 3: not going to get that way. His personality is the 578 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,159 Speaker 3: personality that I need. Right. So having that ability, I 579 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,720 Speaker 3: think that first marriage gives you is like I know 580 00:26:20,800 --> 00:26:23,640 Speaker 3: what I don't want. Not doing that right, you learn 581 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:24,600 Speaker 3: a lot, Yeah, you learn. 582 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:27,920 Speaker 1: You learn along with that learn on the job training situation. 583 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,399 Speaker 3: If you're not learning from every relationship about what you 584 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 3: put into it and what you took away and what 585 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,280 Speaker 3: your fault is. And I think just a little side 586 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,840 Speaker 3: piece of advice to anybody listening when they start dating again, 587 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:41,800 Speaker 3: If you're dating someone after your divorce and they've been 588 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,480 Speaker 3: divorced as well, and they can't take any ownership and 589 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,480 Speaker 3: their divorce, that's a red flag. 590 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:47,560 Speaker 1: For me, it's a red flag. 591 00:26:47,800 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 3: And for me I first eight years, I would have 592 00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:51,679 Speaker 3: told you it was all my ex husband gosh to 593 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,400 Speaker 3: live with him. I would have blamed everything on him. 594 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:56,680 Speaker 3: But then again, when I got personal development and self 595 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:59,080 Speaker 3: care and self love and boundaries and all that personal 596 00:26:59,119 --> 00:27:01,600 Speaker 3: work was going on with therapy. That's when I realized, 597 00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,119 Speaker 3: should I play just the biggest part in our marriage 598 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 3: failing and our divorce taking? Forever? It was me too? Absolutely, 599 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:08,600 Speaker 3: me too. 600 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:12,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, there's so much finger pointing in the beginning, especially 601 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,560 Speaker 2: maybe for many years, and I've definitely was, you know, 602 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:17,639 Speaker 2: a major part of that. 603 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 1: But I had to start. 604 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 2: I always say I had to start pulling the thumb 605 00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:22,920 Speaker 2: and like looking at my part in things good one 606 00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:25,760 Speaker 2: and that that's not just like you know with my divorce, 607 00:27:25,880 --> 00:27:28,720 Speaker 2: that's like you should be doing that in every situation 608 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:31,639 Speaker 2: in your life, looking at what is your part in 609 00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,080 Speaker 2: this either being a success or not being a success? 610 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:37,200 Speaker 3: Exactly. I love that. I love that. I'm gonna steal 611 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:37,800 Speaker 3: that thumb thing. 612 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,160 Speaker 1: It's a good one, right, that is a good one. Okay. 613 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,440 Speaker 2: So when people find you, what is the number one 614 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:43,600 Speaker 2: question they have? 615 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,119 Speaker 3: How do I get my lawyer to understand what I need? 616 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,439 Speaker 3: A lot of people don't know how to work their 617 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,000 Speaker 3: lawyer in their favor. And I think people forget you 618 00:27:52,040 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 3: are the one paying your attorney's not the other way around. 619 00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:57,960 Speaker 3: You know, you're you are paid for you right, right? 620 00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:58,600 Speaker 1: So people are. 621 00:27:58,520 --> 00:28:01,280 Speaker 3: Coming to me for expert, you know, advice on parenting 622 00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,440 Speaker 3: plans and how do I get my attorney to understand 623 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:06,360 Speaker 3: that I want the longevity, you know, I want the detail. 624 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,359 Speaker 3: I want to be protected. I don't want to have 625 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,959 Speaker 3: to come back to court or work with them, So 626 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:13,879 Speaker 3: that would be hands down parenting plan questions and how 627 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:15,679 Speaker 3: to get your lawyer to buy into it is the 628 00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,439 Speaker 3: big one. And for that just the answer is the 629 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:21,040 Speaker 3: right attorney will buy into your story and believe you 630 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:24,160 Speaker 3: and anybody that shames you for saying you know, well, 631 00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:26,200 Speaker 3: don't worry. I've seen a lot of ex husbands or 632 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,359 Speaker 3: ex wives like that, like it's not that big a deal. 633 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:31,040 Speaker 3: That's not your attorney, you guys, there's plenty of attorneys 634 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,320 Speaker 3: out there. I don't care. If you've been live in 635 00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,720 Speaker 3: a small town, fish around, go around, do your research. 636 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:39,040 Speaker 3: Picking the wrong attorney at the very beginning can be 637 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:43,680 Speaker 3: a doomsday to your whole case. So due diligence, I mean, 638 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 3: I know people like I'm broke, you know, I can't 639 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:47,880 Speaker 3: afford all these consults. Can you afford one hundred thousand 640 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,240 Speaker 3: dollars by picking the wrong attorney at the beginning, Because 641 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,560 Speaker 3: that's what I did. I fell for Dove chocolates in 642 00:28:52,600 --> 00:28:55,240 Speaker 3: the bathroom and the marble countertops and her high heels, 643 00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:58,000 Speaker 3: and I was just like, I'm in love. I'm like, 644 00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:01,080 Speaker 3: look at this powerful woman. Yeah, And then she didn't 645 00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,320 Speaker 3: do shit for me. And then I hired my next attorney, 646 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:06,280 Speaker 3: who wore shoulder pads before they were cool again, had 647 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,960 Speaker 3: like Sigourney Weaver hair, and like just destroyed office. I 648 00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,800 Speaker 3: hired her and she was a badass. So it's not 649 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:16,440 Speaker 3: always what you think at the consultation. But that's why 650 00:29:16,440 --> 00:29:19,200 Speaker 3: I want you to take that parenting plan and really say, no, 651 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:21,880 Speaker 3: this is the level of person I'm dealing with, and 652 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:23,640 Speaker 3: this is how much protection I need. And if they 653 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,960 Speaker 3: don't buy into that detail, that's not your attorney. 654 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 1: Okay. 655 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,040 Speaker 2: I think this is a great place for us to 656 00:29:29,080 --> 00:29:30,840 Speaker 2: take a pause in this conversation. 657 00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:37,480 Speaker 1: We have so much more to talk about.