1 00:00:15,436 --> 00:00:23,756 Speaker 1: Pushkin. I had nobody to talk to you about what 2 00:00:23,836 --> 00:00:26,316 Speaker 1: I was going through, so I called my father. My dad, 3 00:00:26,396 --> 00:00:29,516 Speaker 1: who is really not a religious man, said Tim, if 4 00:00:29,516 --> 00:00:31,876 Speaker 1: you're hurting this bad, maybe you should go to church. 5 00:00:32,796 --> 00:00:35,636 Speaker 1: That's in church. Why would I want to go to church? 6 00:00:35,916 --> 00:00:38,396 Speaker 1: Why would God do this to me? I'm mad at God. 7 00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:42,956 Speaker 1: This is Tim Colesari. Tim is telling me about the 8 00:00:42,956 --> 00:00:45,636 Speaker 1: worst day of his life, a day that tested his 9 00:00:45,716 --> 00:00:48,636 Speaker 1: faith and one, as you'll hear, still feels like an 10 00:00:48,636 --> 00:00:52,196 Speaker 1: open wound. Why just crushed me? It was in such shock, 11 00:00:52,596 --> 00:00:54,076 Speaker 1: and I thought, I gotta get out of here. I 12 00:00:54,076 --> 00:00:56,316 Speaker 1: need to go walking, being by my stuff. A lot 13 00:00:56,356 --> 00:00:58,916 Speaker 1: of time has passed since the awful day that changed 14 00:00:58,996 --> 00:01:02,036 Speaker 1: Tim's life forever, but as Tim and I chatted, it 15 00:01:02,116 --> 00:01:04,596 Speaker 1: was clear that the pain he felt that fateful day 16 00:01:04,956 --> 00:01:08,636 Speaker 1: was still very fresh in his mind. You go through shock. First, 17 00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:12,756 Speaker 1: just happen, and then you're wondering why, And then I 18 00:01:12,956 --> 00:01:15,916 Speaker 1: was just oh my God the whole time for so long. 19 00:01:16,556 --> 00:01:18,876 Speaker 1: So what was the event that caused such awful and 20 00:01:18,956 --> 00:01:25,316 Speaker 1: such long lasting pain? For decades? Tim got rejected? As 21 00:01:25,356 --> 00:01:28,796 Speaker 1: you'll soon hear, in some historic detail, Tim suffered one 22 00:01:28,796 --> 00:01:32,596 Speaker 1: of the most incredible, protracted and over the top rejections 23 00:01:32,636 --> 00:01:35,396 Speaker 1: I'd ever heard of. But even though Tim's story of 24 00:01:35,436 --> 00:01:38,396 Speaker 1: rejection is probably more extreme than anything you or I 25 00:01:38,476 --> 00:01:41,396 Speaker 1: have experienced, I bet you can still relate to the 26 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:45,876 Speaker 1: hurt he's describing, which raises some questions. Why does rejection 27 00:01:45,956 --> 00:01:49,396 Speaker 1: feel so awful? And what strategies can we use to 28 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:54,916 Speaker 1: blunt the sharp emotional pain that it brings. Our minds 29 00:01:54,916 --> 00:01:56,876 Speaker 1: are constantly telling us what to do to be happy. 30 00:01:57,436 --> 00:01:59,916 Speaker 1: But what if our minds are wrong? What if our 31 00:01:59,916 --> 00:02:02,516 Speaker 1: minds are lying to us, leading us away from what 32 00:02:02,516 --> 00:02:05,156 Speaker 1: will really make us happy. The good news is that 33 00:02:05,316 --> 00:02:07,796 Speaker 1: understanding the science of mind can joint us all back 34 00:02:07,876 --> 00:02:10,876 Speaker 1: in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness Lab 35 00:02:10,956 --> 00:02:23,676 Speaker 1: with doctor Laurie Santos. When I began planning this episode 36 00:02:23,676 --> 00:02:26,276 Speaker 1: about the science of rejection, I'd never actually heard of 37 00:02:26,316 --> 00:02:29,916 Speaker 1: Tim Colseri or his story, And when I finally did 38 00:02:29,996 --> 00:02:33,036 Speaker 1: hear his tragic tale, I honestly couldn't quite believe it. 39 00:02:33,716 --> 00:02:36,636 Speaker 1: Tim had already endured a pretty dynamic and adventure filled 40 00:02:36,636 --> 00:02:40,436 Speaker 1: life even before the epic rejection that changed his path forever. 41 00:02:41,156 --> 00:02:43,476 Speaker 1: I went in the Marines on my eighteenth birthday, went 42 00:02:43,516 --> 00:02:46,116 Speaker 1: to Vietnam, spent thirteen months in Denang and got out 43 00:02:46,116 --> 00:02:48,796 Speaker 1: of my twentieth birthday, and then two months later I 44 00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:52,796 Speaker 1: was at roll to college. And after about my senior year, 45 00:02:52,876 --> 00:02:54,876 Speaker 1: one of my good friends turned pro and golf and 46 00:02:54,956 --> 00:02:57,196 Speaker 1: wanted me to caddy form on the tour, and I 47 00:02:57,316 --> 00:03:00,036 Speaker 1: turned pro about a year later. I played for about 48 00:03:00,076 --> 00:03:01,876 Speaker 1: three years, and then I thought what am I going 49 00:03:01,956 --> 00:03:04,916 Speaker 1: to do with myself? Ended up in Miami waiting tables, 50 00:03:04,956 --> 00:03:07,756 Speaker 1: and then I got on as an airline flight attendant. 51 00:03:07,796 --> 00:03:10,316 Speaker 1: And actually I've been to Guama's Marine a flight attendant 52 00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:12,956 Speaker 1: and a stand up comedian. I don't think anybody can 53 00:03:13,036 --> 00:03:15,556 Speaker 1: say that. Lots of people have their hearts broken trying 54 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,236 Speaker 1: to make it as a stand up comedian or a 55 00:03:17,236 --> 00:03:21,156 Speaker 1: professional golfer, but not Tim. That wasn't where his anguish 56 00:03:21,156 --> 00:03:23,876 Speaker 1: came from. He also wasn't beaten down as a low 57 00:03:23,916 --> 00:03:27,596 Speaker 1: paid waiter or a sleep deprived flight attendant. Tim's real 58 00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:29,756 Speaker 1: tale of woe started when he embarked on a new 59 00:03:29,796 --> 00:03:32,836 Speaker 1: career path. On a whim, he decided to join a 60 00:03:32,876 --> 00:03:35,716 Speaker 1: friend for an acting class. Teacher said, this is what 61 00:03:35,756 --> 00:03:38,436 Speaker 1: we call a born natural. Nobody came up to me afterwards, 62 00:03:38,436 --> 00:03:41,796 Speaker 1: I said, you're really good. I'm good at acting. That's 63 00:03:41,796 --> 00:03:44,396 Speaker 1: what I'm good at. Tim was determined to find his 64 00:03:44,436 --> 00:03:46,796 Speaker 1: way into the movie business, but it was hard for 65 00:03:46,836 --> 00:03:49,636 Speaker 1: a veteran living in Florida with no acting experience to 66 00:03:49,636 --> 00:03:52,396 Speaker 1: break into Hollywood. So when Tim heard about an open 67 00:03:52,476 --> 00:03:55,236 Speaker 1: casting call for a big budget war movie, he decided 68 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:59,596 Speaker 1: to rent a camera and make an audition video. Despite 69 00:03:59,596 --> 00:04:02,276 Speaker 1: his lack of acting credentials, Tim was still hoping to 70 00:04:02,356 --> 00:04:04,436 Speaker 1: land one of the biggest roles in the war film, 71 00:04:04,796 --> 00:04:08,276 Speaker 1: a boot camp drill instructor. He had, after all, been 72 00:04:08,276 --> 00:04:10,436 Speaker 1: a real marine, so I knew I could play it. 73 00:04:10,476 --> 00:04:13,236 Speaker 1: In my mind. Tim scraped together enough money for the 74 00:04:13,276 --> 00:04:17,356 Speaker 1: stamps ten dollars and eighty seven cents. I remember that distinctly, 75 00:04:17,796 --> 00:04:20,876 Speaker 1: and bailed off his audition tape. I hope it gets 76 00:04:20,916 --> 00:04:23,276 Speaker 1: to where I'm supposed to go, That's all I thought. 77 00:04:23,636 --> 00:04:27,836 Speaker 1: And then three years one by I completely forgot about 78 00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:33,036 Speaker 1: the tape completely. One faithful day, the phone rang our Kim, 79 00:04:33,156 --> 00:04:36,756 Speaker 1: this is Lewis Blow, president of Warner Brothers. Tim. I 80 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:40,636 Speaker 1: have a tremendous amount of faith in Stanley Kubrick. Tim. 81 00:04:41,356 --> 00:04:44,236 Speaker 1: Stanley Kubrick has a tremendous amount of faith and Tim 82 00:04:44,276 --> 00:04:46,836 Speaker 1: Coles Eric I ran over to the window and I 83 00:04:46,916 --> 00:04:49,156 Speaker 1: put my hand out. I wonder, I went Stanley Kubrick, 84 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:53,556 Speaker 1: tremendous amount a thing to me. That's right, Stanley Kuprick, 85 00:04:53,836 --> 00:04:57,156 Speaker 1: the director of Doctor Strangelove, A clockwork Orange two thousand 86 00:04:57,156 --> 00:05:00,116 Speaker 1: and one of Space Odyssey, and the Shining that Stanley 87 00:05:00,156 --> 00:05:03,876 Speaker 1: Kubrick had picked Tim, a complete acting newbie, to star 88 00:05:03,996 --> 00:05:08,356 Speaker 1: in his next project. I was so happy, so happy. 89 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,556 Speaker 1: Tim learned that he'd not only been cast in Full 90 00:05:11,556 --> 00:05:14,836 Speaker 1: Metal Jacket, Koprick's epic about the horrors of the Vietnam War, 91 00:05:15,356 --> 00:05:17,756 Speaker 1: but also that he landed the lead role of the 92 00:05:17,796 --> 00:05:20,796 Speaker 1: brutal drill instructor. If you haven't seen the movie, this 93 00:05:20,876 --> 00:05:23,756 Speaker 1: character is pretty incredible. He takes a bunch of raw 94 00:05:23,796 --> 00:05:27,436 Speaker 1: marines through their basic training, making some and breaking others. 95 00:05:27,996 --> 00:05:30,836 Speaker 1: No spoiler, but he eventually meets a tragic end in 96 00:05:30,876 --> 00:05:33,636 Speaker 1: one of the most memorable moments of the movie. Tim 97 00:05:33,756 --> 00:05:36,076 Speaker 1: was over the moon and landing the part, but he 98 00:05:36,116 --> 00:05:38,716 Speaker 1: didn't have much time to celebrate. He was quickly flown 99 00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,756 Speaker 1: off to England, where he had to learn page after 100 00:05:40,796 --> 00:05:44,236 Speaker 1: page of dialogue. It was a stressful and a lonely time. 101 00:05:44,796 --> 00:05:48,556 Speaker 1: Because I was the drill instructor. They kept me away 102 00:05:48,596 --> 00:05:51,036 Speaker 1: from the rest of the actors because they didn't want 103 00:05:51,076 --> 00:05:53,796 Speaker 1: them to get to know me, because they wanted me 104 00:05:53,836 --> 00:05:56,476 Speaker 1: to be menacing and mean in front of them when 105 00:05:56,516 --> 00:05:59,516 Speaker 1: I did the scene. Tim spent hours alone in his 106 00:05:59,596 --> 00:06:03,356 Speaker 1: hotel room learning his lengthy monologues, screaming like a drill 107 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:07,316 Speaker 1: instructor at no one in particular, week after week after week. 108 00:06:07,636 --> 00:06:11,516 Speaker 1: It was really tough, dial really hard to do. Tim 109 00:06:11,556 --> 00:06:14,396 Speaker 1: stopped sleeping and even had to see a doctor because 110 00:06:14,396 --> 00:06:16,876 Speaker 1: of all the stress. But he thought all the isolation 111 00:06:16,956 --> 00:06:20,596 Speaker 1: and anxiety and insomnia were worth it. After all, he 112 00:06:20,676 --> 00:06:23,476 Speaker 1: had the film's most important part, a role that he 113 00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:27,356 Speaker 1: had dreamed about for years. But what Tim didn't know 114 00:06:27,556 --> 00:06:29,516 Speaker 1: was that he wasn't the only one who'd been dreaming 115 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:33,156 Speaker 1: about the drill instructor role. Another former marine, Lee Ermey, 116 00:06:33,356 --> 00:06:36,116 Speaker 1: had wanted to land that very same part, but Lee 117 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:40,556 Speaker 1: was chosen instead as the film's technical advisor, and Lee 118 00:06:40,756 --> 00:06:43,836 Speaker 1: had a plan. Unlike Tim, who was locked away learning 119 00:06:43,876 --> 00:06:46,276 Speaker 1: his dialogue, Lee got to spend a lot of time 120 00:06:46,316 --> 00:06:49,556 Speaker 1: with the cast As technical advisor. Lee's job was to 121 00:06:49,596 --> 00:06:51,996 Speaker 1: work with the other actors, which meant that he got 122 00:06:51,996 --> 00:06:53,916 Speaker 1: to ad lib a bunch of lines from the movie, 123 00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:57,396 Speaker 1: and whenever Koprick was around, Lee made sure to come 124 00:06:57,476 --> 00:07:00,476 Speaker 1: up with as many colorful new drill instructor lines as 125 00:07:00,476 --> 00:07:03,676 Speaker 1: he could. He tried to embody all the nastiness of 126 00:07:03,716 --> 00:07:08,396 Speaker 1: a real marine sergeant, which got Kuprick thinking. Eventually, he 127 00:07:08,476 --> 00:07:11,196 Speaker 1: sent his ass to find him. And I opened the 128 00:07:11,236 --> 00:07:14,996 Speaker 1: door and his face looked like death. And I said, immediately, 129 00:07:15,116 --> 00:07:18,516 Speaker 1: is he taken my roll away from me? He said, 130 00:07:18,556 --> 00:07:20,636 Speaker 1: read the letter. He had an envelope and I opened 131 00:07:20,636 --> 00:07:22,476 Speaker 1: it up. In the very first line said near Tim. 132 00:07:22,516 --> 00:07:25,196 Speaker 1: After a painful lot of deliberation, I decided to use 133 00:07:25,276 --> 00:07:28,956 Speaker 1: Lee Army to play Sargent Hartmann. I have two starting quarterbacks. 134 00:07:28,996 --> 00:07:32,796 Speaker 1: I need to choose one. Apparently, Cooper Kaye decided that 135 00:07:32,836 --> 00:07:36,396 Speaker 1: he no longer had tremendous faith in Tim Colsery. It 136 00:07:36,476 --> 00:07:39,996 Speaker 1: was a crushing rejection. Whatever your job is in the world, 137 00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:42,916 Speaker 1: if you could think the highest place you could get to. 138 00:07:43,516 --> 00:07:46,676 Speaker 1: At that time, that was me. The best role I 139 00:07:46,676 --> 00:07:49,956 Speaker 1: could get with the best director and the best film, 140 00:07:50,316 --> 00:07:54,756 Speaker 1: and it was mine. So when that became taken away, 141 00:07:54,996 --> 00:07:59,156 Speaker 1: it hurt me big time. Tim was totally bereft, But 142 00:07:59,276 --> 00:08:02,916 Speaker 1: then fate seemed to intervene. Lee Army was in the hospital. 143 00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:05,796 Speaker 1: I get a phone call saying Lee was in a 144 00:08:05,916 --> 00:08:09,076 Speaker 1: very serious car accident. Don't go anywhere. You got the 145 00:08:09,276 --> 00:08:12,476 Speaker 1: role back. Tim was going to play the drill sergeant again. 146 00:08:13,156 --> 00:08:17,516 Speaker 1: Suddenly his dream role was back. Until it wasn't. He 147 00:08:17,596 --> 00:08:20,476 Speaker 1: got another phone call. It turns out the film was 148 00:08:20,516 --> 00:08:23,756 Speaker 1: required to allow Lee Ermy to recover and complete filming. 149 00:08:24,316 --> 00:08:26,636 Speaker 1: Tim was given a quick never mind, sorry to get 150 00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,996 Speaker 1: your hopes up, and I had to fly back to 151 00:08:28,996 --> 00:08:31,236 Speaker 1: the United States. Now everybody's going, well, how to go 152 00:08:31,236 --> 00:08:32,916 Speaker 1: over there? Well, I lost my big role, but I 153 00:08:32,956 --> 00:08:35,156 Speaker 1: got this other role I really want to play. In 154 00:08:35,196 --> 00:08:39,236 Speaker 1: the aftermath of losing his dream part twice, Kuprick decided 155 00:08:39,276 --> 00:08:42,636 Speaker 1: to toss him a sort of consolation prize, a bit 156 00:08:42,676 --> 00:08:44,716 Speaker 1: part in the movie that didn't even have a name. 157 00:08:45,876 --> 00:08:49,756 Speaker 1: Tim was asked to play a helicopter doorgunner. The doorgunner 158 00:08:49,836 --> 00:08:52,436 Speaker 1: had like three lines of dialogue and spent most of 159 00:08:52,436 --> 00:08:55,436 Speaker 1: his scene gleefully mowing down innocent women and children in 160 00:08:55,476 --> 00:08:59,116 Speaker 1: the fields rushing by below. It was a tiny, tiny part, 161 00:08:59,516 --> 00:09:02,036 Speaker 1: but the violent scene had left an impression on Tim 162 00:09:02,356 --> 00:09:04,796 Speaker 1: when he'd first seen a copy of the script. I 163 00:09:04,796 --> 00:09:07,956 Speaker 1: immediately said to myself, Man, whoever plays that role is 164 00:09:07,996 --> 00:09:10,916 Speaker 1: going to have a ball. I never thought it was 165 00:09:10,916 --> 00:09:13,156 Speaker 1: going to be me. So Tim would be in a 166 00:09:13,196 --> 00:09:15,396 Speaker 1: Kubrick film after all. He waited for the call to 167 00:09:15,476 --> 00:09:18,436 Speaker 1: return to the set, but when the call came, it 168 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:22,356 Speaker 1: was yet another disappointment. The doorgun Is scene had been cut, 169 00:09:22,716 --> 00:09:26,116 Speaker 1: and I remember hanging up the phone and gone, here 170 00:09:26,196 --> 00:09:30,636 Speaker 1: we go again. Wow. I had like an Oscar dominated role, 171 00:09:30,716 --> 00:09:33,476 Speaker 1: the best role I could think about, to another great role, 172 00:09:33,836 --> 00:09:39,956 Speaker 1: to no role. Wow. Tim's story, amazingly isn't over yet. 173 00:09:40,716 --> 00:09:42,956 Speaker 1: But what struck me during our chat was just how 174 00:09:43,076 --> 00:09:47,276 Speaker 1: raw this rejection still feels decades later. Being shunn by 175 00:09:47,316 --> 00:09:50,636 Speaker 1: Kouprick felt painful and disorienting at the time, but the 176 00:09:50,676 --> 00:09:53,876 Speaker 1: wound Tim received as a young man still hurts him deeply. 177 00:09:54,236 --> 00:09:59,316 Speaker 1: Well into his seventies. His scars never really healed. That 178 00:09:59,476 --> 00:10:03,276 Speaker 1: was the dream thing of my life. Take that away. 179 00:10:04,156 --> 00:10:08,196 Speaker 1: Anybody else's secondary after that, and nothing shots you anymore. 180 00:10:09,716 --> 00:10:12,156 Speaker 1: When we get back from the break, we'll explore the 181 00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:16,116 Speaker 1: science of why rejection can leave such deep wounds. We'll 182 00:10:16,156 --> 00:10:18,636 Speaker 1: learn a surprising truth about how rejection works in the 183 00:10:18,676 --> 00:10:21,796 Speaker 1: brain and what understanding this strange truth means for how 184 00:10:21,836 --> 00:10:24,436 Speaker 1: we can protect ourselves from the pain of being shunned. 185 00:10:25,236 --> 00:10:36,076 Speaker 1: The happiness lab will be right back. Unlike most human beings, 186 00:10:36,156 --> 00:10:40,716 Speaker 1: Naomi's never been rejected. It's not true. I'm talking to 187 00:10:40,876 --> 00:10:46,076 Speaker 1: UCLA social neuroscientists Naomi Eisenberger and Matt Lieberman. The married 188 00:10:46,076 --> 00:10:49,636 Speaker 1: couple studies how the brain processes rejection, but the couple 189 00:10:49,676 --> 00:10:53,396 Speaker 1: differs and their personal experience with this phenomenon. The closest 190 00:10:53,556 --> 00:10:56,796 Speaker 1: is like, if our teenage son doesn't hug her enough, 191 00:10:57,396 --> 00:11:00,116 Speaker 1: then she feels rejected, But keep in mind he still 192 00:11:00,236 --> 00:11:03,036 Speaker 1: hugs her, and that's what she considers to be an 193 00:11:03,036 --> 00:11:06,396 Speaker 1: experience of rejection. So I think as much as she 194 00:11:06,476 --> 00:11:08,636 Speaker 1: is an expert on the science of rejection, she doesn't 195 00:11:08,676 --> 00:11:13,196 Speaker 1: know any thing about the experience of actual rejection. Matt, however, 196 00:11:13,676 --> 00:11:16,636 Speaker 1: has had more than his fair share of this painful experience. 197 00:11:17,116 --> 00:11:21,436 Speaker 1: I have had, like major rejection. I had a six 198 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,556 Speaker 1: year relationship and completely out of the blue, like just 199 00:11:24,676 --> 00:11:27,836 Speaker 1: had no idea it was coming. It was definitely one 200 00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,116 Speaker 1: of the most painful experiences of my life. I think 201 00:11:30,196 --> 00:11:32,476 Speaker 1: up until I had kidney stones, I would have said 202 00:11:32,476 --> 00:11:34,716 Speaker 1: that was the most painful experience of my life. It 203 00:11:34,836 --> 00:11:37,556 Speaker 1: was really brutal, and the pain from that was not 204 00:11:37,636 --> 00:11:42,236 Speaker 1: only awful then, but it lasted for a solid six months. 205 00:11:42,956 --> 00:11:45,516 Speaker 1: Early on in their careers, Naomi and Matt knew that 206 00:11:45,556 --> 00:11:48,396 Speaker 1: they wanted to study this painful emotion better, so they 207 00:11:48,436 --> 00:11:51,876 Speaker 1: decided to embark on a neuroscientific study of rejection to 208 00:11:51,916 --> 00:11:54,636 Speaker 1: figure out how being shunned was processed in our brains. 209 00:11:55,556 --> 00:11:58,756 Speaker 1: But they weren't totally sure how to start, because when 210 00:11:58,756 --> 00:12:01,396 Speaker 1: you think about it, rejection isn't all that easy to 211 00:12:01,436 --> 00:12:04,556 Speaker 1: study in the laboratory, let alone inside a brain scanner. 212 00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:07,676 Speaker 1: I mean, researchers can't just assign subjects to a condition 213 00:12:07,716 --> 00:12:10,836 Speaker 1: in which they suddenly break off decades long romance or 214 00:12:10,876 --> 00:12:14,356 Speaker 1: get fired from a major motion picture. Naomi and Matt 215 00:12:14,396 --> 00:12:17,316 Speaker 1: were stumped about how to get their subjects to experimentally 216 00:12:17,396 --> 00:12:20,796 Speaker 1: experience a sense of spurning. That is until they met 217 00:12:20,836 --> 00:12:25,716 Speaker 1: psychologist Kit Williams and learned about his new invention, cyberball. 218 00:12:26,676 --> 00:12:29,716 Speaker 1: Cyber Ball has now become an important scientific tool for 219 00:12:29,796 --> 00:12:33,596 Speaker 1: studying people's social emotions, but it kind of looks like 220 00:12:33,596 --> 00:12:37,076 Speaker 1: a bad arcade game from the early eighties. Here's how 221 00:12:37,116 --> 00:12:40,436 Speaker 1: it works. Cyber Ball is a three person game. You 222 00:12:40,556 --> 00:12:43,396 Speaker 1: and two other players, real people who are allegedly sitting 223 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:46,196 Speaker 1: in another room, have to toss a virtual ball back 224 00:12:46,236 --> 00:12:49,236 Speaker 1: and forth for a while. The ball tossing goes and 225 00:12:49,276 --> 00:12:51,596 Speaker 1: the way you'd expect, you throw the ball to the 226 00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:54,036 Speaker 1: first player. That player throws it to the second player, 227 00:12:54,116 --> 00:12:55,876 Speaker 1: and then the second player throws it back to you, 228 00:12:56,236 --> 00:13:00,476 Speaker 1: and so on and so on. But then something changes. 229 00:13:00,916 --> 00:13:03,276 Speaker 1: You're playing this game with two other people, and all 230 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,956 Speaker 1: of a sudden, they completely leave you out and they're 231 00:13:05,996 --> 00:13:08,636 Speaker 1: just playing with each other. All of a sudden, and 232 00:13:08,676 --> 00:13:12,036 Speaker 1: totally without warning, the other players stopped throwing you the 233 00:13:12,076 --> 00:13:18,156 Speaker 1: ball in a flash. You are being rejected. Now. Of course, 234 00:13:18,236 --> 00:13:20,996 Speaker 1: getting disc by two strangers in some lame arcade game 235 00:13:21,476 --> 00:13:24,116 Speaker 1: isn't the same as getting dumped by your fiance or 236 00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:27,996 Speaker 1: fired by Stanley Kuprick. But Williams found that subjects who 237 00:13:27,996 --> 00:13:30,636 Speaker 1: experience being left out in the game still have some 238 00:13:30,676 --> 00:13:36,076 Speaker 1: amazingly strong reactions. Many subjects reported feeling deeply troubled, some 239 00:13:36,156 --> 00:13:39,516 Speaker 1: got super pissed off, others just felt kind of sad. 240 00:13:39,556 --> 00:13:43,476 Speaker 1: And hurt. I don't understand. Why did they do that 241 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:47,556 Speaker 1: to me? That was so mean? I annoyed, I felt upset. 242 00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:51,276 Speaker 1: Cyberball may look clunky, but the game causes people to 243 00:13:51,316 --> 00:13:54,316 Speaker 1: feel all the hallmarks of social rejection. It was the 244 00:13:54,396 --> 00:13:56,596 Speaker 1: exact sort of task that Matt and Naomi had been 245 00:13:56,596 --> 00:13:59,716 Speaker 1: looking for. Wow, we could bring this into the fMRI 246 00:13:59,876 --> 00:14:03,516 Speaker 1: scanner and see what is going on in the brain 247 00:14:03,556 --> 00:14:06,956 Speaker 1: when people are being excluded. But even though Matt and 248 00:14:07,036 --> 00:14:09,516 Speaker 1: Naomi had been thinking about studying rejection in the brain 249 00:14:09,556 --> 00:14:12,636 Speaker 1: for a while, they weren't totally sure what they'd see. 250 00:14:13,356 --> 00:14:16,836 Speaker 1: One possibility was that rejection worked like other negative emotions, 251 00:14:17,436 --> 00:14:19,636 Speaker 1: and so you might expect to see neurons firing in 252 00:14:19,716 --> 00:14:22,356 Speaker 1: regions like the amygdala, a part of the brain that's 253 00:14:22,356 --> 00:14:25,236 Speaker 1: now famous for its role, and yucky feelings like anxiety 254 00:14:25,316 --> 00:14:28,996 Speaker 1: and fear. But Naomi's own intense terror of being shunned 255 00:14:29,476 --> 00:14:32,156 Speaker 1: God heard thinking that rejection might work differently than the 256 00:14:32,236 --> 00:14:35,476 Speaker 1: usual fear response. You know, what is it in our 257 00:14:35,516 --> 00:14:40,196 Speaker 1: brains that is treating the possibility of rejection like you know, 258 00:14:40,316 --> 00:14:44,156 Speaker 1: the possibility of imminent death? Like? Why are they connected? 259 00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:47,396 Speaker 1: So the couple began to wonder whether rejection could affect 260 00:14:47,396 --> 00:14:49,556 Speaker 1: our body and brain in the same way as other 261 00:14:49,676 --> 00:14:53,876 Speaker 1: physically deadly things like a gunshot, wound, or cancer. We 262 00:14:53,956 --> 00:14:56,796 Speaker 1: definitely talk about rejection as though it's a physical injury. 263 00:14:57,196 --> 00:15:00,596 Speaker 1: We say someone hurt our feelings or broke our hearts. 264 00:15:00,956 --> 00:15:03,276 Speaker 1: We talk about other people's actions as cutting to the 265 00:15:03,316 --> 00:15:07,876 Speaker 1: core or leaving us emotionally scarred. Our colleagues Jeff McDonald 266 00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:11,516 Speaker 1: and Mark Leary have sort of surveyed different languages to 267 00:15:11,636 --> 00:15:14,876 Speaker 1: see is this a universal thing, is this specific to 268 00:15:14,916 --> 00:15:19,476 Speaker 1: the English language, And they found pretty universal patterns where 269 00:15:19,476 --> 00:15:22,556 Speaker 1: across all of these different languages you see people using 270 00:15:22,836 --> 00:15:26,796 Speaker 1: pain related words to describe rejection, and they actually argue 271 00:15:26,836 --> 00:15:30,156 Speaker 1: that we have no other way to describe experiences of 272 00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:34,956 Speaker 1: rejection except with these pain words. Our language might lump 273 00:15:34,956 --> 00:15:38,396 Speaker 1: heartache and heart burn together, but to our brains really 274 00:15:38,436 --> 00:15:41,436 Speaker 1: experience emotional hurt in the same way as physical pain. 275 00:15:42,196 --> 00:15:45,196 Speaker 1: Naomi and Matt decided to test this by putting people 276 00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:48,636 Speaker 1: inside an fMRI scanner and then having them play cyberball. 277 00:15:49,196 --> 00:15:50,956 Speaker 1: The couple then looked at the parts of the brain 278 00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:55,316 Speaker 1: that were more active when people got rejected. Their answer 279 00:15:55,356 --> 00:15:58,676 Speaker 1: came one faithful afternoon when Naomi was beginning her data 280 00:15:58,716 --> 00:16:02,396 Speaker 1: analysis in a shared graduate student office, which meant that 281 00:16:02,476 --> 00:16:05,236 Speaker 1: Naomi wasn't the only one looking at brain scan results 282 00:16:05,636 --> 00:16:08,156 Speaker 1: my office made. At the time, she had done a 283 00:16:08,236 --> 00:16:13,116 Speaker 1: study looking at pain, serious pain like this was an 284 00:16:13,276 --> 00:16:17,396 Speaker 1: irritable bowel syndrome patients who were being stimulated in various ways, 285 00:16:17,396 --> 00:16:21,076 Speaker 1: So this was real painful experience Naomi in her office made. 286 00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:23,876 Speaker 1: Both had pictures of their subject's brain responses up on 287 00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:26,356 Speaker 1: the screen. When Matt walked in. When he looked back 288 00:16:26,356 --> 00:16:28,836 Speaker 1: and forth at the two computer screens, he was shocked. 289 00:16:29,116 --> 00:16:32,156 Speaker 1: He couldn't tell which set of results was which. The 290 00:16:32,196 --> 00:16:34,956 Speaker 1: brain responses of people who were in bowel pain looked 291 00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:37,556 Speaker 1: just like the brain response of people who were rejected 292 00:16:37,556 --> 00:16:41,436 Speaker 1: in cyberball. The results took the neuroscience community by storm 293 00:16:41,756 --> 00:16:44,316 Speaker 1: and made many scholars realize that we hadn't given the 294 00:16:44,356 --> 00:16:47,956 Speaker 1: pain of rejection the scientific attention it deserved. Humans are 295 00:16:47,996 --> 00:16:52,436 Speaker 1: set up to value connection, to value social connections so 296 00:16:52,516 --> 00:16:56,316 Speaker 1: much that our brains have figured out a way to 297 00:16:56,556 --> 00:17:00,836 Speaker 1: use circuitry that's typically there to keep us from injuring 298 00:17:00,836 --> 00:17:03,916 Speaker 1: our bodies, to keep us from feeling physical pain that 299 00:17:04,116 --> 00:17:07,956 Speaker 1: seem circuitry is being used to make sure that we 300 00:17:08,316 --> 00:17:11,076 Speaker 1: don't get it off from others. To me, that's a 301 00:17:11,076 --> 00:17:14,676 Speaker 1: really amazing thing, and it sort of helps normalize some 302 00:17:14,796 --> 00:17:18,556 Speaker 1: of the intense spheres that I might have of rejection, Like, Okay, 303 00:17:18,596 --> 00:17:21,556 Speaker 1: that is part of how we have evolved in humans 304 00:17:21,636 --> 00:17:25,356 Speaker 1: to place such an important value on social bonds that 305 00:17:25,436 --> 00:17:29,276 Speaker 1: the possibility of having those bonds broken really does put 306 00:17:29,356 --> 00:17:31,636 Speaker 1: us at greater risk, and maybe is why our bodies 307 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:34,996 Speaker 1: respond in this really intense way to the possibility of 308 00:17:35,196 --> 00:17:38,756 Speaker 1: being separated from others. Yeah, you know, one of the 309 00:17:38,836 --> 00:17:42,596 Speaker 1: takeaways from this is that you know, in our society, 310 00:17:43,036 --> 00:17:46,276 Speaker 1: we're kind of wired to take everybody else's physical pain 311 00:17:46,556 --> 00:17:49,596 Speaker 1: very very seriously, like, oh, you sprained your ankle, let's 312 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:52,356 Speaker 1: get you somewhere to get that treated right away, and 313 00:17:52,516 --> 00:17:55,396 Speaker 1: we tend to look at other people social pain is 314 00:17:55,436 --> 00:17:58,316 Speaker 1: something that's kind of like, hey, that's your business, just 315 00:17:58,356 --> 00:18:00,276 Speaker 1: like take care of that. Don't let that interfere with 316 00:18:00,316 --> 00:18:02,596 Speaker 1: your work or your class work or whatever it is. 317 00:18:03,076 --> 00:18:05,836 Speaker 1: And the thing is is that the brain probably doesn't 318 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:09,556 Speaker 1: differentiate them in the way that we're treat eating them, 319 00:18:09,636 --> 00:18:12,556 Speaker 1: and so I think it's probably made me a bit 320 00:18:12,596 --> 00:18:19,436 Speaker 1: more sort of empathic. But Naomi and Matt's findings also 321 00:18:19,476 --> 00:18:22,516 Speaker 1: got them thinking about creative ways to alleviate the pain 322 00:18:22,556 --> 00:18:26,156 Speaker 1: that feeling jolted can cause. The couple's brain finding suggested 323 00:18:26,196 --> 00:18:30,716 Speaker 1: a straightforward but also incredible possibility. If the brain processes 324 00:18:30,756 --> 00:18:34,236 Speaker 1: rejection like a painful physical injury, say a kidney stone, 325 00:18:34,676 --> 00:18:37,556 Speaker 1: could the same drugs we take to stop physical discomfort 326 00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:41,876 Speaker 1: also protect us from social hurt. What if you sort 327 00:18:41,876 --> 00:18:45,196 Speaker 1: of prescribed pain medicine for people who had social pain? 328 00:18:45,236 --> 00:18:47,876 Speaker 1: Wouldn't that be hilarious? Like it was almost going to 329 00:18:47,916 --> 00:18:50,476 Speaker 1: be a punchline in a talk. But we never thought 330 00:18:50,476 --> 00:18:55,156 Speaker 1: it would work, so we never ran that study. But 331 00:18:55,316 --> 00:18:58,516 Speaker 1: Nathan Dawal, a professor of psychology at the University of Kentucky, 332 00:18:58,956 --> 00:19:01,716 Speaker 1: thought it was worth trying out. He gave his subjects 333 00:19:01,716 --> 00:19:04,956 Speaker 1: either pain medication, a seat of menifit the active ingredient 334 00:19:04,956 --> 00:19:07,836 Speaker 1: in thailan all, or a placebo pill. For three weeks. 335 00:19:09,156 --> 00:19:11,196 Speaker 1: Participants in both groups were asked to fill out a 336 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:14,196 Speaker 1: nightly survey on whether they'd felt teased or hurt by 337 00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:17,236 Speaker 1: other people during the day. He also had a smaller 338 00:19:17,236 --> 00:19:20,116 Speaker 1: group of these subjects performed Naomi and Matt's cyberball brain 339 00:19:20,196 --> 00:19:24,156 Speaker 1: scan task. What happened by the ninth day of treatment, 340 00:19:24,236 --> 00:19:26,916 Speaker 1: subjects taking a seat of menefin we're feeling less hurt 341 00:19:26,956 --> 00:19:29,796 Speaker 1: by their daily rejections than subjects taking the fake pill. 342 00:19:30,316 --> 00:19:33,396 Speaker 1: Their brains also showed less activity in those same pain 343 00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:36,716 Speaker 1: regions when playing cyberball, So it looked like there was 344 00:19:36,756 --> 00:19:41,316 Speaker 1: really evidence that, yeah, this physical pain killer seems to 345 00:19:41,356 --> 00:19:44,956 Speaker 1: be having an effect on social pain too. It is 346 00:19:44,996 --> 00:19:48,956 Speaker 1: really important to include the warning label, which is that 347 00:19:49,076 --> 00:19:52,556 Speaker 1: tailon Al's actually quite toxic. So when I talk about 348 00:19:52,596 --> 00:19:54,916 Speaker 1: this with large audiences, I always tell them this because 349 00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:57,636 Speaker 1: people were like, oh cool, the next time I get rejected, 350 00:19:57,636 --> 00:20:00,356 Speaker 1: I'll just take a bottle of tailon al and that 351 00:20:00,436 --> 00:20:02,556 Speaker 1: will kill you. People should not try to do this 352 00:20:02,676 --> 00:20:06,596 Speaker 1: at home and self administer, because it's actually dangerous. I 353 00:20:06,676 --> 00:20:09,596 Speaker 1: just want to echo Matt here again. Do not take 354 00:20:09,636 --> 00:20:12,396 Speaker 1: an aspirin or a tylenol or any other painkiller to 355 00:20:12,476 --> 00:20:15,556 Speaker 1: ease the heart of rejection. It is dangerous. Do not 356 00:20:15,676 --> 00:20:20,796 Speaker 1: do it, never, ever, seriously. Not a smart strategy. But 357 00:20:21,076 --> 00:20:24,636 Speaker 1: Naomi and Matt's findings do provide an existence proof that 358 00:20:24,716 --> 00:20:26,996 Speaker 1: there are ways to turn off the pain of rejection. 359 00:20:27,436 --> 00:20:29,636 Speaker 1: When we get back from the break, we'll see that 360 00:20:29,676 --> 00:20:32,476 Speaker 1: there are some safe ways to innoculate ourselves and the 361 00:20:32,516 --> 00:20:35,196 Speaker 1: people we love from the pain of rejection. We'll learn 362 00:20:35,236 --> 00:20:37,276 Speaker 1: that we don't need a drug to alleviate the heart 363 00:20:37,276 --> 00:20:39,476 Speaker 1: of being jilted, but we do need to get the 364 00:20:39,556 --> 00:20:43,116 Speaker 1: right strategies to make sure our rejection cuts don't get infected. 365 00:20:43,956 --> 00:20:46,396 Speaker 1: In fact, we'll talk to a scientist who's come up 366 00:20:46,396 --> 00:20:48,676 Speaker 1: with a host of simple strategies we can use to 367 00:20:48,716 --> 00:21:00,916 Speaker 1: fight our heartaches and feel better. When I applied to 368 00:21:00,956 --> 00:21:04,276 Speaker 1: graduate school for a PhD program, there were ten programs 369 00:21:04,316 --> 00:21:06,516 Speaker 1: that I wanted to apply to. Nine of them are good, 370 00:21:06,756 --> 00:21:09,796 Speaker 1: one of them wasn't. I decided to apply old. The 371 00:21:09,876 --> 00:21:13,156 Speaker 1: nine good ones said no. The tenth didn't even bother responding. 372 00:21:13,996 --> 00:21:16,956 Speaker 1: This is psychologist Guy Winch. His first round of graduate 373 00:21:16,956 --> 00:21:20,196 Speaker 1: school applications didn't go so well, and I felt very, 374 00:21:20,276 --> 00:21:23,196 Speaker 1: very rejected. And then I realized, they're not rejecting me. 375 00:21:23,556 --> 00:21:27,036 Speaker 1: They're rejecting my application. My application is something I can 376 00:21:27,076 --> 00:21:29,876 Speaker 1: work on, and so it got my head together again. 377 00:21:30,596 --> 00:21:32,916 Speaker 1: This might sound like a pretty enlightened reaction from an 378 00:21:32,956 --> 00:21:35,156 Speaker 1: applicant who didn't even get a note thank you from 379 00:21:35,156 --> 00:21:38,036 Speaker 1: the worst program in his entire field. But Guy has 380 00:21:38,036 --> 00:21:40,196 Speaker 1: long been an expert on strategies we can use to 381 00:21:40,236 --> 00:21:44,356 Speaker 1: bounce back. Guy is the co host of Dear Therapists, 382 00:21:44,396 --> 00:21:47,076 Speaker 1: a podcast that gives practical tips for how to recover 383 00:21:47,236 --> 00:21:49,436 Speaker 1: when things don't work out in life. He's also the 384 00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:53,316 Speaker 1: author of Emotional First Aid, Healing, Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and 385 00:21:53,396 --> 00:21:55,876 Speaker 1: Other Everyday Hurts Well. The idea is that we all 386 00:21:55,916 --> 00:21:58,916 Speaker 1: have a medicine cabinet at home, and we're actually very good. 387 00:21:58,916 --> 00:22:01,076 Speaker 1: If you get a cutch, you can actually most people 388 00:22:01,116 --> 00:22:03,876 Speaker 1: can look at it and estimate whether that requires a 389 00:22:03,916 --> 00:22:07,076 Speaker 1: band aid, a stitch, or a uber to the emergency room. 390 00:22:07,596 --> 00:22:10,756 Speaker 1: But we get emotional wounds on a daily basis much 391 00:22:10,756 --> 00:22:12,556 Speaker 1: more than we do physical ones these days because we're 392 00:22:12,556 --> 00:22:14,756 Speaker 1: not skateboarding as much as adult so maybe we are, 393 00:22:14,956 --> 00:22:17,276 Speaker 1: but we're not scraping our knees as much. We are 394 00:22:17,356 --> 00:22:21,156 Speaker 1: experiencing failure, we are experiencing rejection, we are experiencing loneliness, 395 00:22:21,436 --> 00:22:23,156 Speaker 1: and there's a lot of research that can tell us 396 00:22:23,156 --> 00:22:25,396 Speaker 1: how we can soothe some of those pains and treat 397 00:22:25,436 --> 00:22:27,436 Speaker 1: some of those wounds, except we're not aware of it, 398 00:22:27,476 --> 00:22:29,876 Speaker 1: and we don't use it. Now. That's not to say 399 00:22:29,876 --> 00:22:31,836 Speaker 1: that we don't try to deal with our rejection pain. 400 00:22:32,276 --> 00:22:35,796 Speaker 1: We often react very strongly to these emotions. The problem, 401 00:22:35,836 --> 00:22:38,116 Speaker 1: according to Guy, is that we do so in some 402 00:22:38,276 --> 00:22:42,556 Speaker 1: very unhelpful ways, like getting really angry when we stop Bartow. 403 00:22:42,676 --> 00:22:44,396 Speaker 1: Our instinct is to go and kick the desk of 404 00:22:44,476 --> 00:22:46,556 Speaker 1: draws that did it, or to punch something. I mean, 405 00:22:46,596 --> 00:22:49,836 Speaker 1: our instinct for pain is to lash out, and rejection 406 00:22:49,916 --> 00:22:53,436 Speaker 1: is pain, and our instinct is to lash out. Studies 407 00:22:53,436 --> 00:22:56,156 Speaker 1: have vividly shown that the anger projection makes us want 408 00:22:56,156 --> 00:22:59,396 Speaker 1: to hurt other people. In one experiment, subjects first got 409 00:22:59,436 --> 00:23:01,676 Speaker 1: rejected in a game of cyberball and then had a 410 00:23:01,756 --> 00:23:04,796 Speaker 1: chance to lash out against a group of innocent bystanders. 411 00:23:05,236 --> 00:23:07,516 Speaker 1: Subjects were told that they needed to decide how much 412 00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:10,036 Speaker 1: hot sauce to make people drink in an upcoming taste 413 00:23:10,036 --> 00:23:13,556 Speaker 1: test experiment. They were told that these taste testers didn't 414 00:23:13,596 --> 00:23:15,996 Speaker 1: like spicy food, but that they would have to drink 415 00:23:16,036 --> 00:23:19,756 Speaker 1: whatever size shot of hot sauce the subject poured. What happened, 416 00:23:20,156 --> 00:23:23,156 Speaker 1: Subjects who were rejected in the cyberball task poured more 417 00:23:23,196 --> 00:23:25,596 Speaker 1: than four times as much hot sauce as people who 418 00:23:25,596 --> 00:23:28,476 Speaker 1: didn't get dissed. Other studies of rejection have found that 419 00:23:28,556 --> 00:23:31,316 Speaker 1: jolted subjects are more willing to punish strangers with a 420 00:23:31,356 --> 00:23:34,876 Speaker 1: white noise blast that's longer and louder than non rejected 421 00:23:34,916 --> 00:23:38,396 Speaker 1: subjects choose. And that's mild, right, that's hot sauce and 422 00:23:38,516 --> 00:23:41,356 Speaker 1: loud noise. But we also know that there are a 423 00:23:41,396 --> 00:23:44,996 Speaker 1: ton of crimes of passion, except there are actually consequences 424 00:23:45,036 --> 00:23:47,636 Speaker 1: of rejection, and they often involved very little passion, just 425 00:23:47,676 --> 00:23:50,556 Speaker 1: the anger that comes from being rejected. And it's something 426 00:23:50,636 --> 00:23:53,076 Speaker 1: that costs a lot of lives, especially for women, on 427 00:23:53,116 --> 00:23:57,076 Speaker 1: an annual basis. Given the potential for such dire consequences, 428 00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,396 Speaker 1: Guy argues that we need to learn how to treat 429 00:23:59,436 --> 00:24:02,236 Speaker 1: rejection pain right away, the same way we'd grab a 430 00:24:02,276 --> 00:24:04,436 Speaker 1: first aid kit to put a band aid on a cut. 431 00:24:04,636 --> 00:24:06,276 Speaker 1: If you leave it up to our mind to make 432 00:24:06,316 --> 00:24:08,516 Speaker 1: the decision about what's the best way to heal an 433 00:24:08,516 --> 00:24:11,916 Speaker 1: emotional it will inadvertently send you down the wrong path. 434 00:24:11,956 --> 00:24:13,596 Speaker 1: It will do the wrong thing because it's just trying 435 00:24:13,596 --> 00:24:15,596 Speaker 1: to protect you from having that wound again. It's not 436 00:24:15,676 --> 00:24:18,476 Speaker 1: trying to heal it in an adaptive way. When I 437 00:24:18,476 --> 00:24:20,876 Speaker 1: think of rejection first aid. I'll be honest, I think 438 00:24:20,916 --> 00:24:23,516 Speaker 1: of booze frankly, and ice cream. It's like what I 439 00:24:23,556 --> 00:24:26,236 Speaker 1: think of, you know, so like is this kind of common? 440 00:24:26,476 --> 00:24:28,356 Speaker 1: You didn't invent booze and ice cream, you know, like 441 00:24:28,436 --> 00:24:31,036 Speaker 1: in other words, that is the go too. But we 442 00:24:31,156 --> 00:24:34,716 Speaker 1: are We tend to numb the pain. That's our basic response. 443 00:24:34,796 --> 00:24:37,236 Speaker 1: Let's numb it with sugar, let's numb it with alcohol. 444 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:40,236 Speaker 1: All very well doesn't actually solve anything. You'll wake up 445 00:24:40,276 --> 00:24:43,836 Speaker 1: feeling both hungover or nauseous and still in emotional pain 446 00:24:43,876 --> 00:24:46,116 Speaker 1: the next day. So it's not necessarily the most useful. 447 00:24:46,356 --> 00:24:48,556 Speaker 1: What would be useful is to count some of the 448 00:24:48,636 --> 00:24:52,276 Speaker 1: impacts by first of all, exhibiting self compassion. You know, 449 00:24:52,316 --> 00:24:55,836 Speaker 1: like we literally go and find ways to beat ourselves 450 00:24:55,916 --> 00:24:58,316 Speaker 1: up when our self esteem is at its lowest point, 451 00:24:58,316 --> 00:25:01,476 Speaker 1: and so instead of reviving our self esteem and our confidence, 452 00:25:01,636 --> 00:25:03,396 Speaker 1: we're actually doing the opposite. It's one of the most 453 00:25:03,436 --> 00:25:06,796 Speaker 1: unfortunate tendencies we have post rejection. So that's the first 454 00:25:06,796 --> 00:25:10,836 Speaker 1: step of rejection. First aid, stop me all those rejection wounds. Worse, 455 00:25:11,316 --> 00:25:13,876 Speaker 1: don't kick yourself when you're already down with all that 456 00:25:13,996 --> 00:25:16,716 Speaker 1: negative self talk. But a second step is to fight 457 00:25:16,756 --> 00:25:19,516 Speaker 1: the urge to lick your wounds in solitude. Healing from 458 00:25:19,516 --> 00:25:23,716 Speaker 1: rejection requires a dose of social connection with tribal animals, 459 00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:26,516 Speaker 1: and part of the rejection is about our need to 460 00:25:26,556 --> 00:25:29,316 Speaker 1: belong or need to feel affiliated with certain groups. It 461 00:25:29,356 --> 00:25:32,876 Speaker 1: can be a church group, it can be amateurst softball league, 462 00:25:32,876 --> 00:25:35,076 Speaker 1: it can be a clique of friends, our college roommates. 463 00:25:35,156 --> 00:25:39,156 Speaker 1: But that group membership gives us literally this layer of protection, 464 00:25:39,356 --> 00:25:42,556 Speaker 1: this shield. Because we feel part of a group, we 465 00:25:42,636 --> 00:25:45,516 Speaker 1: feel more protected in the moment of rejection. You won't 466 00:25:45,596 --> 00:25:48,036 Speaker 1: but then go and reach out to your group and 467 00:25:48,196 --> 00:25:50,556 Speaker 1: reconnect and have a few chats with people in the 468 00:25:50,596 --> 00:25:53,796 Speaker 1: group to remind yourself of your fact that you belong, 469 00:25:53,916 --> 00:25:58,796 Speaker 1: that people appreciate you, and it's an amazing tonic. But 470 00:25:58,876 --> 00:26:01,036 Speaker 1: what if you can't get that social support in person. 471 00:26:01,316 --> 00:26:03,596 Speaker 1: What if you're like Tim Colseri, stuck in a foreign 472 00:26:03,676 --> 00:26:05,916 Speaker 1: country away from your friends and family when you get 473 00:26:05,916 --> 00:26:09,636 Speaker 1: fired or jolted for situations like these, guy recommends a 474 00:26:09,636 --> 00:26:12,676 Speaker 1: practice he calls social snacking. Just as we grab a 475 00:26:12,676 --> 00:26:14,756 Speaker 1: snack when we're hungry but can't eat a full meal, 476 00:26:15,236 --> 00:26:17,636 Speaker 1: so too, can we ease our social hunger with small 477 00:26:17,636 --> 00:26:20,876 Speaker 1: reminders that were connected to others. Studies show that merely 478 00:26:20,876 --> 00:26:23,756 Speaker 1: surrounding yourself with pictures and mementos of people you love 479 00:26:24,276 --> 00:26:26,916 Speaker 1: can make the hurt of rejection subside of it. But 480 00:26:26,996 --> 00:26:30,356 Speaker 1: the most important rejection for staid treatment, according to Guy, 481 00:26:30,916 --> 00:26:33,796 Speaker 1: is a practice that actively helps you remember your own value. 482 00:26:34,196 --> 00:26:36,316 Speaker 1: You need to recall that you're still a good person, 483 00:26:37,116 --> 00:26:39,436 Speaker 1: but not in the way that self help books suggest. 484 00:26:40,116 --> 00:26:42,076 Speaker 1: You don't need to launch into a bunch of cheesy 485 00:26:42,156 --> 00:26:45,756 Speaker 1: positive affirmations like I'm beautiful and I'm going to find 486 00:26:45,796 --> 00:26:48,116 Speaker 1: great love kind of things, and they often don't work 487 00:26:48,156 --> 00:26:50,396 Speaker 1: because in the moment of rejection you actually don't feel 488 00:26:50,436 --> 00:26:52,996 Speaker 1: beautiful or very optimistic about finding great love. That will 489 00:26:53,036 --> 00:26:56,036 Speaker 1: actually make you feel worse. Guy's work has found that 490 00:26:56,116 --> 00:26:59,476 Speaker 1: a better value boosting technique is to get really specific. 491 00:26:59,916 --> 00:27:02,316 Speaker 1: Let's say it's the romantic domain your head is going 492 00:27:02,356 --> 00:27:04,676 Speaker 1: to take you to. All your shortcomings and deficiencies. What 493 00:27:04,716 --> 00:27:06,436 Speaker 1: you need to do is balance then out. So make 494 00:27:06,476 --> 00:27:08,916 Speaker 1: a list of every quality that you know you have. 495 00:27:09,116 --> 00:27:10,556 Speaker 1: It's got to be stuff you know you have, not 496 00:27:10,596 --> 00:27:12,236 Speaker 1: stuff you would like to have, but things you know 497 00:27:12,356 --> 00:27:13,916 Speaker 1: you have. It's got to be real that make you 498 00:27:13,996 --> 00:27:18,116 Speaker 1: a good dating prospect, you're emotionally available, you're good within ors, 499 00:27:18,196 --> 00:27:21,076 Speaker 1: you make stupendous muffins, you give a BackRub, whatever it is. 500 00:27:21,596 --> 00:27:24,236 Speaker 1: Make the list long and exhaustive and varied, and then 501 00:27:24,316 --> 00:27:26,956 Speaker 1: choose one of those things that's actually meaningful and write 502 00:27:26,956 --> 00:27:29,676 Speaker 1: a couple of paragraphs about why that's a meaningful thing 503 00:27:29,916 --> 00:27:32,556 Speaker 1: in relationships, how you've exhibited it in the past, and 504 00:27:32,556 --> 00:27:35,196 Speaker 1: how it's been appreciated or how it might be appreciated 505 00:27:35,356 --> 00:27:37,916 Speaker 1: in the future. Do one of those a day when 506 00:27:37,956 --> 00:27:40,836 Speaker 1: you're feeling rejected romantically, if it's about you got rejected 507 00:27:40,876 --> 00:27:42,396 Speaker 1: from a job, do one about what makes you a 508 00:27:42,436 --> 00:27:46,196 Speaker 1: good employee. You're loyal, you're reliable, you're responsible, you're timely, 509 00:27:46,276 --> 00:27:48,836 Speaker 1: whatever it is. But do the things you know. Write 510 00:27:48,836 --> 00:27:51,996 Speaker 1: out what you're bringing to the table, what makes you valuable. 511 00:27:52,236 --> 00:27:55,596 Speaker 1: To directly counter that tendency to do the opposite in 512 00:27:55,636 --> 00:28:00,916 Speaker 1: your head. Guy has found that leaving our emotional wounds 513 00:28:00,956 --> 00:28:04,436 Speaker 1: untreated without any rejection first aid, can have long term 514 00:28:04,476 --> 00:28:08,596 Speaker 1: negative impacts on our psychological health. We do think differently. 515 00:28:08,636 --> 00:28:12,396 Speaker 1: We become very very risk averse. We withdrawal instinct, isn't 516 00:28:12,396 --> 00:28:14,316 Speaker 1: it Then go out and reconnect with the people who 517 00:28:14,396 --> 00:28:16,996 Speaker 1: we can reconnect with. It's to withdrawal because we become 518 00:28:17,076 --> 00:28:18,516 Speaker 1: risk of us We just don't want to suffer any 519 00:28:18,516 --> 00:28:22,756 Speaker 1: more rejections. Guy's description of these long term wounds made 520 00:28:22,796 --> 00:28:25,516 Speaker 1: me think back to my conversation with actor Tim Colseri. 521 00:28:26,076 --> 00:28:29,236 Speaker 1: Tim's experience of rejection cast a lifelong shadow over what 522 00:28:29,276 --> 00:28:31,876 Speaker 1: should have been a moment of triumph to savor and enjoy, 523 00:28:32,596 --> 00:28:34,676 Speaker 1: because in the end, Tim did get to be in 524 00:28:34,716 --> 00:28:38,596 Speaker 1: Kuprick's full metal jacket, his Consolation Prize role as that 525 00:28:38,756 --> 00:28:42,036 Speaker 1: violent doorgunner get reinstated, and he found out that it 526 00:28:42,076 --> 00:28:45,556 Speaker 1: was a more prestigious part than he initially realized. I 527 00:28:45,556 --> 00:28:47,716 Speaker 1: found out later that they were thinking about Bruce Willis 528 00:28:47,716 --> 00:28:49,916 Speaker 1: and Valt kilm Are also for the role. Shooting the 529 00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:52,916 Speaker 1: Doorgunner roll also meant spending an entire day with the 530 00:28:52,956 --> 00:28:55,756 Speaker 1: director who had hurt him so badly. Well, I'm sitting 531 00:28:55,756 --> 00:28:59,036 Speaker 1: back in Danley's backyard of a helicopter right behind him, 532 00:28:59,276 --> 00:29:01,516 Speaker 1: sipping wine, and he looked at me and went, Tim, 533 00:29:01,916 --> 00:29:04,636 Speaker 1: you have more energy than Kirk Douglas. Nobody will ever 534 00:29:04,716 --> 00:29:09,436 Speaker 1: believe this. Connecting with Kouprick was Tim's first up to 535 00:29:09,476 --> 00:29:12,596 Speaker 1: improving his sense of belonging and self worth. But Tim 536 00:29:12,596 --> 00:29:14,916 Speaker 1: got an even bigger sense of his own value when 537 00:29:14,916 --> 00:29:18,276 Speaker 1: he attended the film's Gallo Movie premiere. Keep people over 538 00:29:18,316 --> 00:29:20,796 Speaker 1: his Clint Eastwood and his wife, you know, at Cisco 539 00:29:20,836 --> 00:29:23,596 Speaker 1: and even Nicholas Cage. Everybody's there, and I'm going on, 540 00:29:23,716 --> 00:29:27,116 Speaker 1: this is weird. You know. When the film began, Tim 541 00:29:27,156 --> 00:29:30,276 Speaker 1: was still distracted by his feelings of rejection. He watched 542 00:29:30,316 --> 00:29:34,476 Speaker 1: his replacement Lee Earmi's drill sergeant scenes with a jealous eye. 543 00:29:35,876 --> 00:29:38,876 Speaker 1: I remember saying, Oh, I could have done that line better. 544 00:29:39,436 --> 00:29:41,676 Speaker 1: That's a new one. Oh that's good. That's a good one. 545 00:29:42,076 --> 00:29:43,916 Speaker 1: He didn't give that enough to that, you know, I 546 00:29:43,996 --> 00:29:46,916 Speaker 1: knew I could do that a little better. Oh, oh 547 00:29:46,956 --> 00:29:49,476 Speaker 1: that's a good one too. And then when I came on, 548 00:29:50,076 --> 00:29:51,996 Speaker 1: which is an hour into the movie, if I in 549 00:29:52,036 --> 00:29:55,076 Speaker 1: the very middle of the film, I come on, I 550 00:29:55,116 --> 00:30:00,156 Speaker 1: heard laughter throughout the audience, chuckling kind of, and I 551 00:30:00,236 --> 00:30:03,556 Speaker 1: thought to myself, was I good? I didn't know if 552 00:30:03,556 --> 00:30:06,156 Speaker 1: I was good at bat really didn't know was Tim good. 553 00:30:06,636 --> 00:30:09,476 Speaker 1: I watched the film again recently, and Tim's perform moments 554 00:30:09,836 --> 00:30:16,476 Speaker 1: is great. He's only on screen for a minute or two, 555 00:30:16,676 --> 00:30:18,676 Speaker 1: but his dark and disturbing scene is one of the 556 00:30:18,716 --> 00:30:24,956 Speaker 1: most memorable of the film. But as the years went by, 557 00:30:25,196 --> 00:30:28,236 Speaker 1: the recognition he received still wasn't enough to blot out 558 00:30:28,316 --> 00:30:31,076 Speaker 1: all the hurt he experienced. You know what I said, 559 00:30:31,116 --> 00:30:33,836 Speaker 1: for thirty five years, every single person said you were 560 00:30:33,836 --> 00:30:37,196 Speaker 1: in full metal jacket. The very first thing I said 561 00:30:37,396 --> 00:30:40,996 Speaker 1: was yeah, I originally was the drill instructor before that doorgunner. 562 00:30:41,196 --> 00:30:43,556 Speaker 1: I always wanted to tell them I had that role, 563 00:30:44,316 --> 00:30:46,916 Speaker 1: which is terrible. I should have been proud. Did you 564 00:30:46,996 --> 00:30:49,996 Speaker 1: say I was the Doorgunner and talk about that? But 565 00:30:50,036 --> 00:30:54,516 Speaker 1: I always wanted to refer back to pour me getting 566 00:30:54,516 --> 00:30:56,916 Speaker 1: screwed by having the best role in the movie. You know, 567 00:30:57,396 --> 00:30:59,156 Speaker 1: I don't know why I was like that, but it 568 00:30:59,276 --> 00:31:02,076 Speaker 1: took me a long time to get over that. Only 569 00:31:02,116 --> 00:31:05,276 Speaker 1: now decades later has Tim finally taken steps to treat 570 00:31:05,316 --> 00:31:08,556 Speaker 1: his emotional pain. In fact, he started to follow a 571 00:31:08,556 --> 00:31:12,196 Speaker 1: lot of the vice Guy described. Tim recently developed an 572 00:31:12,316 --> 00:31:15,076 Speaker 1: entire one man show about his life. The show does 573 00:31:15,076 --> 00:31:17,996 Speaker 1: address the Koprick debacle, but it spends even more time 574 00:31:18,076 --> 00:31:20,476 Speaker 1: on the other parts of Tim's life, ones that he's 575 00:31:20,516 --> 00:31:22,756 Speaker 1: proud of, like his own time in boot camp, and 576 00:31:22,876 --> 00:31:26,556 Speaker 1: funny stories from his life as a flight attendant. We 577 00:31:26,716 --> 00:31:29,196 Speaker 1: had two doors each of the aircraft and window excess 578 00:31:29,236 --> 00:31:32,876 Speaker 1: over each wing, Jack a coke buddy Mary. In the end, 579 00:31:33,116 --> 00:31:35,956 Speaker 1: Tim has successfully applied the first aid needed to heal 580 00:31:35,996 --> 00:31:38,596 Speaker 1: his feelings of hurt. He's even been able to look 581 00:31:38,636 --> 00:31:42,476 Speaker 1: back more philosophically on his relationship with Stanley Kuprick. He 582 00:31:42,516 --> 00:31:46,356 Speaker 1: wanted me in his movie, you know, and I appreciate that. 583 00:31:46,436 --> 00:31:50,836 Speaker 1: I mean somehow Stanley and me made it work, and 584 00:31:50,956 --> 00:31:54,716 Speaker 1: it really worked. It worked more than probably Stanley ever thought. 585 00:31:54,876 --> 00:31:57,956 Speaker 1: Army people to this day still recite almost all my 586 00:31:58,076 --> 00:32:05,236 Speaker 1: dialogue just blows me away. When someone lets you know 587 00:32:05,276 --> 00:32:07,676 Speaker 1: that they don't want you in their life, in their workplace, 588 00:32:07,756 --> 00:32:10,676 Speaker 1: in their school, for even their Hollywood movie, it can 589 00:32:10,716 --> 00:32:14,916 Speaker 1: be a crushing flow. But in making this episode, I've 590 00:32:14,996 --> 00:32:17,276 Speaker 1: learned that we don't need to suffer the pain of rejection. 591 00:32:17,836 --> 00:32:20,956 Speaker 1: By understanding how rejection works, we can learn how to 592 00:32:21,036 --> 00:32:24,476 Speaker 1: heal life's emotional wounds. But the science shows that we 593 00:32:24,556 --> 00:32:27,356 Speaker 1: do need to take that pain seriously. We need to 594 00:32:27,396 --> 00:32:30,556 Speaker 1: react to life's rejections quickly, just like we would a 595 00:32:30,596 --> 00:32:33,716 Speaker 1: cut or a burn. When we're in emotional pain. We 596 00:32:33,796 --> 00:32:37,956 Speaker 1: need quick emotional first aid. So the next time you're rebuffed, 597 00:32:38,036 --> 00:32:40,236 Speaker 1: don't just do what comes naturally and turn to the 598 00:32:40,236 --> 00:32:43,036 Speaker 1: ice cream and booze. Ease your hurt by making sure 599 00:32:43,076 --> 00:32:45,676 Speaker 1: you connect with people who love and value you, and 600 00:32:45,756 --> 00:32:48,636 Speaker 1: be sure to prevent that long term emotional scarring by 601 00:32:48,676 --> 00:32:52,036 Speaker 1: reminding yourself of the many qualities and blessings you still enjoy, 602 00:32:52,556 --> 00:32:55,076 Speaker 1: ones that losing a job or a romantic partner just 603 00:32:55,116 --> 00:32:58,116 Speaker 1: don't change. And of course it never hurts to learn 604 00:32:58,156 --> 00:33:00,716 Speaker 1: more about other strategies you can use to feel happier 605 00:33:00,836 --> 00:33:03,836 Speaker 1: even in tough times. That's a dose of medicine you're 606 00:33:03,836 --> 00:33:06,436 Speaker 1: sure to get in the next episode of The Happiness 607 00:33:06,476 --> 00:33:17,796 Speaker 1: Lab with me Doctor Laurie Santos. The Happiness Lab is 608 00:33:17,796 --> 00:33:20,716 Speaker 1: co written and produced by Ryan Delly. Our original music 609 00:33:20,796 --> 00:33:23,996 Speaker 1: was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing and 610 00:33:24,076 --> 00:33:28,316 Speaker 1: mastering by Evan Biola. Joseph Friedman checked our facts. Sophie 611 00:33:28,356 --> 00:33:32,956 Speaker 1: Crane mckibbon edited our scripts. Marilyn Rust offered additional production support. 612 00:33:33,476 --> 00:33:38,196 Speaker 1: Special thanks to Miela Belle, Carl mcgliori, Heather Fame, Maggie Taylor, 613 00:33:38,556 --> 00:33:43,716 Speaker 1: Daniella Lucarne, Maya Kanig, Nicole Morano, Eric Xandler, Royston Reserve, 614 00:33:44,036 --> 00:33:47,676 Speaker 1: Jacob Weisberg, and my agent, Ben Davis. That Happiness Lab 615 00:33:47,716 --> 00:33:50,236 Speaker 1: is brought to you by Pushkin Industries and Me, Doctor 616 00:33:50,316 --> 00:33:51,076 Speaker 1: Laurie Santos