Speaker 1: You think saying no will let the other person down. Well,
Speaker 1: guess what when you say yes when you don't want to,
Speaker 1: you let yourself down and you let that person down,
Speaker 1: and in the long term, you actually end up building resentment.
Speaker 1: It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship,
Speaker 1: then say yes and resent the relationship. The number one
Speaker 1: health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Sheddy set Hey everyone,
Speaker 1: it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome back to On Purpose. It blows
Speaker 1: my mind that millions of you tune in every single
Speaker 1: day to listen and to watch. Make sure you've subscribed
Speaker 1: to my YouTube channel so that you never miss a video.
Speaker 1: And make sure you've subscribed on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or
Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts so that you don't miss
Speaker 1: a drop. I've got so many exciting things coming your
Speaker 1: way now. It's a very special episode today because tomorrow,
Speaker 1: if you're listening to this on the fifth of September
Speaker 1: twenty twenty five, Tomorrow, the sixth of September, is my birthday,
Speaker 1: and every year I love to do a reflection introspection episode.
Speaker 1: Today I'm going to share with you lessons I've learned
Speaker 1: in the last twelve months they are about life, people, relationships.
Speaker 1: I'm going to give you the biggest ones that I've
Speaker 1: taken away. These are real lessons that have come from
Speaker 1: lived experience, come from my own mistakes, come from my
Speaker 1: own challenges and struggles. And I love doing this episode
Speaker 1: for you every year because it really gets me into
Speaker 1: my own heart and mind and I get to open
Speaker 1: up about it with all of you. I always find
Speaker 1: that birthdays become about parties, they become about gifts, they
Speaker 1: become about presence and time with the people you love,
Speaker 1: and those are all really beautiful things. But for me,
Speaker 1: they are also a time of taking stock, evaluating, auditing,
Speaker 1: and looking at my life, making sure that I'm moving
Speaker 1: in the direction that I want, that I'm serving my
Speaker 1: mission and purpose in the way that i want, and
Speaker 1: that I'm showing up for myself and the people I
Speaker 1: love in the way that I want. It's a beautiful
Speaker 1: annual ritual that I love to do, and I'm so
Speaker 1: glad I get to share it with you all on
Speaker 1: the podcast. So here are the top ten lessons I've
Speaker 1: learned in the last twelve months. The first one is
Speaker 1: helping less can actually help more. This one is so
Speaker 1: hard to say as a coach. It's so hard to
Speaker 1: say as someone who's always trying to help others. It's
Speaker 1: so hard to admit as someone who wants to see
Speaker 1: others grow. And I'm sure you're the same. When you
Speaker 1: love someone, when you care about them, you want to
Speaker 1: help them. You want to be there for them, to
Speaker 1: show up for them, You want to solve all their problems,
Speaker 1: you want to fix everything. But here's what I've learned. Often,
Speaker 1: when you try to help others, you can actually end
Speaker 1: up hurting them. You hurt them not because of you helping,
Speaker 1: but because you're helping, ends up enabling them. It ends
Speaker 1: up making them dependent. It makes them feel that they're
Speaker 1: inadequate to make the chaine themselves. It makes them feel
Speaker 1: that they can't depend on themselves, they have to depend
Speaker 1: on you. It makes them feel that if you're not around,
Speaker 1: they might not know the answer. Really powerful leaders make
Speaker 1: people believe in themselves. You're not trying to get people
Speaker 1: to believe in your advice, to think that you're a
Speaker 1: great person because you're always around. You want people to
Speaker 1: reconnect with their own intuition, own gut instinct, and when
Speaker 1: you're busy solving, fixing and helping everything. They never get
Speaker 1: the opportunity to do that. Ask yourself. When you're helping someone,
Speaker 1: are you giving them the opportunity to help themselves or
Speaker 1: are you taking it away? When you're trying to support someone,
Speaker 1: are you assisting or are you trying to solve everything
Speaker 1: for them? When you're trying to be present for someone,
Speaker 1: are you actually trying to fix and control everything or
Speaker 1: are you just there for a helping hand. It's so counterintuitive,
Speaker 1: but it's true. Over helping creates dependency. Studies on learned
Speaker 1: helplessness show that if you rescue people too often, they
Speaker 1: stop building resilience. If you always rescue someone when they're
Speaker 1: in danger, they don't develop the skills themselves. If you
Speaker 1: always fix the for people when they're struggling, they don't
Speaker 1: learn to fix it themselves. If you're always rushing to
Speaker 1: help someone when they're going through a challenge, they may
Speaker 1: lose the ability to help themselves, and you may hurt
Speaker 1: them instead. Your best intention could actually cause someone long
Speaker 1: term pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is
Speaker 1: step back and let someone stumble. Real coaching isn't carrying
Speaker 1: someone up the mountain. It's reminding them they have legs.
Speaker 1: We think helping people is always noble, but sometimes help
Speaker 1: is just disguised control. Think about that for a second.
Speaker 1: When you jump in too quickly, you teach people that
Speaker 1: they can't handle life without you. When you carry their load,
Speaker 1: they never build the muscle to carry themselves. When you
Speaker 1: do everything for someone, they develop learned helplessness. When people
Speaker 1: stop trying because someone else always steps in. You're rescuing
Speaker 1: can rob them of resilience. You're fixing can steal their
Speaker 1: chance to figure it out. Your guidance can block them
Speaker 1: from developing their own inner compass. Helping someone can actually
Speaker 1: hurt them. Trying to fix someone can actually make them
Speaker 1: feel more broken. When you rush to solve, you send
Speaker 1: the hidden message you can't do this without me. It
Speaker 1: can turn love into pity. It can turn care into control.
Speaker 1: Support doesn't mean solving, Love doesn't mean fixing, Compassion doesn't
Speaker 1: mean control. Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing someone can
Speaker 1: break them. Carrying someone can weaken them. Protecting someone can
Speaker 1: trap them. Saving someone can silence them. People don't grow
Speaker 1: when you do it for them. They grow when you
Speaker 1: believe they can do it themselves. They don't need your rescue.
Speaker 1: They need your trust. They don't need a fixer. They
Speaker 1: need a witness, someone to say I saw you do that,
Speaker 1: and I'm here to watch you do it again. I'm
Speaker 1: here to give you a helping hand if that's what
Speaker 1: you need right now. But realizing that you don't want
Speaker 1: to take away their opportunity. It's almost like saying, hey,
Speaker 1: I'll be with you at the gym, but i'll lift
Speaker 1: the weights for you. That wouldn't make any sense, right.
Speaker 1: I can be with you at the gym, but I
Speaker 1: can't lift the weights for you. I'll be with you
Speaker 1: by your side, but I'm going to do the diet
Speaker 1: for you. It doesn't work that way. You can't transfer
Speaker 1: your sacrifice into someone else's success. You can't transfer your
Speaker 1: discipline into someone else's desire. You can't transfer your work
Speaker 1: into someone else's worth. It doesn't work that way. They
Speaker 1: have to have the discipline, they have to do the work,
Speaker 1: they have to make the sacrifice. You can beat there
Speaker 1: by their side, you can't do it for them. This
Speaker 1: is a huge lesson that I've learned this year, and
Speaker 1: I've realized it's a painful one because my nature is
Speaker 1: ton't want to see people reach their potential, and I
Speaker 1: want to speed it up for them. I want to
Speaker 1: solve it for them. I want to accelerate it for them.
Speaker 1: But I've seen time and time again then when I
Speaker 1: step back, when I'm present, when I'm there, that person
Speaker 1: builds a confidence like they never could have if I
Speaker 1: did it for them. And that's actually more beautiful to
Speaker 1: watch and observe. And I've seen it this year and
Speaker 1: I've actually said it to people. Hey, I am ready
Speaker 1: to help you with whatever you need. But one thing
Speaker 1: I've learned about growth is that I believe you genuinely
Speaker 1: have the ability to grow yourself. You don't need my advice,
Speaker 1: you don't need me to tell you what to do.
Speaker 1: You actually already know it inside of you. I want
Speaker 1: you to connect with that and watch how empowered they feel.
Speaker 1: Make people believe in them, not in you. That's the goal.
Speaker 1: Lesser Number two is something that I've heard this year
Speaker 1: that really resonated with me. Saying no is a full sentence.
Speaker 1: We think yes keeps relationships alive, but research on boundary
Speaker 1: shows the opposite. People who can say no clearly are
Speaker 1: more trusted and more respected. Every yes that betrays yourself
Speaker 1: erodes connection. Every no that protects your truth deepens it.
Speaker 1: No isn't rejection, its honesty in its purest form. Now
Speaker 1: we all struggle saying no. Think about the last time
Speaker 1: you struggled saying no. Saying no is so hard because
Speaker 1: it triggers the fear of rejection. Humans are wired for belonging.
Speaker 1: Evolutionary psychology shows rejection once meant literal death, exile from
Speaker 1: the tribe. You've been kicked out. That wiring hasn't disappeared.
Speaker 1: Saying no feels dangerous because our brain interprets it as
Speaker 1: risking disconnection. Another reason why we struggle to say no
Speaker 1: is something known as the guilt reflex. When you they
Speaker 1: know and think about this the next time you do it,
Speaker 1: especially to people close to you, your brain actually releases
Speaker 1: the stress hormone cortisol that mimic the discomfort of guilt.
Speaker 1: This is why so many people, all of us, we
Speaker 1: over explain or we apologize. Right, we're soothing our own
Speaker 1: nervous system, not just the other person, because we're now
Speaker 1: feeling a sense of guilt. But here's what happens when
Speaker 1: you say no. It builds self respect. Studies on assertiveness
Speaker 1: training show people who practice saying no report higher self
Speaker 1: esteem and lower anxiety. Every no is a small vote
Speaker 1: of confidence that your time, energy, and needs actually matter.
Speaker 1: This happened to me the other day. I was actually
Speaker 1: with a friend I hadn't seen them for a long time,
Speaker 1: and they were telling me about some really deep struggles
Speaker 1: they were having in their life. And someone wonderful came
Speaker 1: up to the table who wanted a picture and to
Speaker 1: say hello, and I said, hey, I would love to
Speaker 1: do it right afterwards, but I just need to be
Speaker 1: present with this person right now, and my heart sank.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to say no. I get so happy
Speaker 1: when I bump into you all at airports, restaurants, wherever
Speaker 1: I am. I love it. I really enjoy seeing you all.
Speaker 1: And I felt so bad saying hey, you know what,
Speaker 1: I'll do it later, but I can't write now because
Speaker 1: the person I was talking to was sharing some really emotional,
Speaker 1: difficult stuff that they were going through and I wanted
Speaker 1: to be present for them. But having done that, I
Speaker 1: could tell how much it meant to the person with me,
Speaker 1: and I really hope the other person understood. It wasn't
Speaker 1: that I was being mean, It's not that I didn't
Speaker 1: want to do it. It was just that I was trying
Speaker 1: to draw a boundary that was important to me, and
Speaker 1: it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine out of ten
Speaker 1: times I would say yes immediately, but learning to say
Speaker 1: no it's so important. The other thing is that when
Speaker 1: we say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. Think
Speaker 1: about this first second. When your friend asks you for
Speaker 1: something and you want to say no, but you say
Speaker 1: yes to people please. You say yes because you don't
Speaker 1: want to let them down. You say yes because you
Speaker 1: know they might overreact. What ends up happening in the
Speaker 1: long term You end up thinking, God, I hate this person.
Speaker 1: I've got to go do this thing for them today.
Speaker 1: I've got to get through this thing today. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I've got to do this thing. It's made into resentment.
Speaker 1: If you say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment.
Speaker 1: Social psychologists find that when people say yes out of obligation,
Speaker 1: it leads to cognitive dissonance, a clash between values and actions.
Speaker 1: Over time, this erodes relationships more than an honest no. Ever,
Speaker 1: could you think saying no will let the other person down? Well,
Speaker 1: guess what when you say yes when you don't want to,
Speaker 1: you let yourself down, and you let that person down,
Speaker 1: and in the long term you actually end up building resentment.
Speaker 1: It's better to say no and continue to have a
Speaker 1: relationship then say yes and resent the relationship. By saying no,
Speaker 1: you protect the quality of your future. Yes people begin
Speaker 1: to trust you r yes more because it's no longer
Speaker 1: automatic boundaries create credibility. A woman my mum worked with
Speaker 1: once told me she had spent her entire life saying yes,
Speaker 1: yes to family, yes to her kids, yes to her community.
Speaker 1: She was the person everyone leaned on birthdays, last minute babysitting,
Speaker 1: emotional support, loaning money, cooking meals, you name it. If
Speaker 1: someone asked, she said yes, But behind the yes, she
Speaker 1: was exhausted. She felt invisible in her own life. She
Speaker 1: told me, I didn't even know what I liked anymore.
Speaker 1: I only knew what everyone else want wanted. One day,
Speaker 1: her daughter asked her to watch the grandkids again, after
Speaker 1: she had already canceled plan twice that week to help.
Speaker 1: Something inside her broke for the first time in thirty years.
Speaker 1: She said, no, not today, I need rest. Her daughter
Speaker 1: was shocked, upset, even guilted her, and that old fear
Speaker 1: came flooding in what if she loved me less? What
Speaker 1: if I'm needed less? But something surprising happened. The world
Speaker 1: didn't fall apart. Her daughter figured it out, and for
Speaker 1: the first time, she spent the day doing something just
Speaker 1: for herself, reading, walking, and sleeping without apology, and later
Speaker 1: her daughter admitted, at first I was mad, but then
Speaker 1: I realized you've never said no to me. You deserve to.
Speaker 1: That single rewired the entire family dynamic. Her daughter stopped
Speaker 1: assuming she'd always be available, Her grandchildren learned by example
Speaker 1: that boundaries are normal, and the woman herself she told
Speaker 1: me that no felt more like love than all the
Speaker 1: yeses I gave For decades. Saying yes constantly had made
Speaker 1: her resentful. Saying no finally made her relationships more honest.
Speaker 1: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for others
Speaker 1: is to stop betraying yourself. Learn to say no, Learn
Speaker 1: to say not now. Learn to say this doesn't work
Speaker 1: for me. Learn to say I can't carry that today.
Speaker 1: Learn to say I need space. Learn to say I've
Speaker 1: changed my mind. Learn to say I deserve better. Learn
Speaker 1: to say yes only when your whole self agrees, because
Speaker 1: every fake yes is a quiet betrayal, and every honest
Speaker 1: no is an act of respect for you and for them.
Speaker 1: Lesser Number three that I've learned in the last twelve
Speaker 1: months is your attention is your real bank account. I
Speaker 1: noticed a few years ago how when I started using TikTok,
Speaker 1: my attention started to diminish, and it took a lot
Speaker 1: of effort to bring it back. I was someone who
Speaker 1: loved reading books. I was someone who loved getting into
Speaker 1: deep journals and articles, and all of a sudden, I
Speaker 1: saw myself looking for eight seconds of joy, entertainment, and
Speaker 1: speed of consumption, and I started to realize, my attention
Speaker 1: is my real bank account. Because what makes or breaks
Speaker 1: your life is where you spend your attention. Cognitive psychology
Speaker 1: calls this attentional control, and it predicts success better than
Speaker 1: IQ think about it. Billionaires go bankrupt, but someone who
Speaker 1: can direct their focus can rebuild. Your attention isn't just currency,
Speaker 1: its compound interest. Neuroscientists call our attention a limited resource.
Speaker 1: Every time you focus, you spend mental energy. Like money,
Speaker 1: you can invest it, waste it, or lose it. Unlike money,
Speaker 1: you can never get it back. Psychologists have found that
Speaker 1: people who learn to direct their attention intentionally, what they read,
Speaker 1: what they notice, who they give time to predict life
Speaker 1: satisfaction more than income or IQ. Stop wasting your attention
Speaker 1: on people who don't value yours. Stop wasting your attention
Speaker 1: on problem you can't control. Stop wasting your attention on
Speaker 1: scrolling through strangers' lives. Stop wasting your attention. It is
Speaker 1: your greatest wealth. When I think about my attention, I
Speaker 1: think about it like my back balance. There's only a
Speaker 1: limited amount you have to spend. How are you going
Speaker 1: to use it? How are you going to direct it?
Speaker 1: How are you going to focus it? How are you
Speaker 1: going to allow yourself to not be consumed by unnecessary things.
Speaker 1: Let's say someone did something really bad to you. Let's
Speaker 1: say someone wronged you. How much time do I want
Speaker 1: to waste trying to solve that? How much energy do
Speaker 1: I want to spend trying to get an apology? How
Speaker 1: much time am I willing to give away and never
Speaker 1: get back hoping that person will realize what they did
Speaker 1: was wrong. We waste hours, days, weeks of our life
Speaker 1: on things that won't make a difference. The next time
Speaker 1: you're upset by something, ask yourself, do I really care?
Speaker 1: Even if I get the result I want, will it
Speaker 1: really matter? Or is there a better use of my time?
Speaker 1: Is there a better use of my energy? Before we continue,
Speaker 1: let's take a quick breather and listen to some of
Speaker 1: our sponsors. Hey, it's Jay Shedy and I'm so excited
Speaker 1: to share We're launching a brand new subscription on Apple Podcasts.
Speaker 1: That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration,
Speaker 1: more tools, more depth, you now have the option to
Speaker 1: subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests. And
Speaker 1: don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone.
Speaker 1: But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper
Speaker 1: and support the show, this is for you. Just hit
Speaker 1: Try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community
Speaker 1: of purpose driven listeners. I can't wait for you to
Speaker 1: check it out. Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation.
Speaker 1: Lesson number four is that achievement without alignment feels like failure.
Speaker 1: We think success guarantees fulfillment, but psychology shows when your
Speaker 1: achievements don't match your values, they feel hollow. That's why
Speaker 1: people hit milestones, the promotion, the house, the wedding, and
Speaker 1: feel emptier than ever. It's not that the house, the wedding,
Speaker 1: or the milestone wasn't important. It's that did you connect
Speaker 1: it to your values. Success without alignment isn't success. When
Speaker 1: actions and values don't match, the brain experiences internal conflict.
Speaker 1: For example, I value family, but I spend all my
Speaker 1: time at work. I value creativity, but my role only
Speaker 1: rewards efficiency. This dissonance, this distance, creates stress, anxiety, and
Speaker 1: eventually burn out, even in successful people. This is what
Speaker 1: I've learned this year that really blew my mind. I
Speaker 1: want you to remember this. You'll become successful by what
Speaker 1: you get. You'll become happy by what you lose. When
Speaker 1: you get a new job, a promotion, a new level,
Speaker 1: you'll feel successful, but you'll only feel happy when you lose.
Speaker 1: When you lose envy, when you lose ego, when you
Speaker 1: lose greed. It's when we lose that we become happy.
Speaker 1: Because for years I used to hear people say money
Speaker 1: doesn't buy happiness, and I used to think to myself, well,
Speaker 1: it's really easy, because the people who often say that
Speaker 1: are the ones with money, and so that didn't make
Speaker 1: sense to me. And also I saw people with money
Speaker 1: who are happy. I saw people without money who are happy.
Speaker 1: So I said, Okay, well that doesn't make sense either,
Speaker 1: So what was it? What I saw is that it
Speaker 1: didn't matter what you did have or didn't have in
Speaker 1: terms of things, in terms of success, but it did
Speaker 1: matter what you did or didn't have internally. So if
Speaker 1: you had money but you had envy, you were unhappy.
Speaker 1: And if you had money but you didn't have envy,
Speaker 1: you could be happy. It was the lack of envy
Speaker 1: and the lack of ego that guaranteed happiness no matter
Speaker 1: what position you were in, because those were the two
Speaker 1: traits that pushed away love and relationships. If you're egotistical,
Speaker 1: you turn people off because now they don't want to
Speaker 1: be around you. And if you're envious, you get turned
Speaker 1: off by people that you don't want to be around.
Speaker 1: When you have arrogance and ego and bravado, you push
Speaker 1: people away. When you have envy, you do the same thing.
Speaker 1: You can't be friends with someone you're envy asarv and
Speaker 1: no one wants to be friends with you. When you're
Speaker 1: an egotistical, you lose the most valuable part of human life,
Speaker 1: which is human connection and relationships. When these two qualities
Speaker 1: take over your life as much as we're working on
Speaker 1: what we get, we have to work on what we
Speaker 1: want to lose. Mastering ego and mastering envy are a
Speaker 1: daily practice. They're a daily habit. You will be so
Speaker 1: much happier if you reduce your envy. You'll be so
Speaker 1: much happier if you reduce your ego. Not just increase
Speaker 1: your output, not just increase your productivity, not just increase
Speaker 1: your efficiency. I promise you give attention to that part
Speaker 1: of your life. I focus on that part of my
Speaker 1: life a lot. I call it the seeds and weeds.
Speaker 1: I think about envy and ego like weeds in the
Speaker 1: garden life that I have to uproot, that I have
Speaker 1: to take out, that have to purify, and you feel
Speaker 1: so much better for it. Lesson number five. The people
Speaker 1: who frustrate you teach you the most about you. Annoyances
Speaker 1: aren't random. Psychologists call it projective identification. The traits we
Speaker 1: can't stand in others often mirrors parts of ourselves. We
Speaker 1: haven't accepted that controlling boss. Maybe it reflects your own
Speaker 1: fear of letting go. People are mirrors, not just irritants.
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they don't have that problem. And
Speaker 1: what you're seeing isn't real, it's that you may have
Speaker 1: it too. Your triggers are your teachers. Your jealousy is
Speaker 1: your guide, Your anger is your mirror. Your irritation shows
Speaker 1: you your wounds. Your defensiveness reveals your fear. Your impatience
Speaker 1: exposes your expectations. Your sadness highlights your values. Every reaction
Speaker 1: is a revelation, Every trigger is a teacher. Life will
Speaker 1: keep sending you the same lesson until you learn from it.
Speaker 1: Lesser number six, Kindness is remembered longer than achievement. Ask
Speaker 1: people about their mentors or loved ones, and they rarely
Speaker 1: recall accomplishments. I doubt you end up at a funeral
Speaker 1: and hear about someone's accomplishments. I doubt you end up
Speaker 1: at a seventieth birthday and hear about someone's accomplishments. I
Speaker 1: was actually just at a dear family friend's seventieth birthday
Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago. No one talked about his achievements,
Speaker 1: and he has plenty. They recalled moments of kindness, They
Speaker 1: recalled moments of genuine sincere connection. Behavioral science shows emotional
Speaker 1: memory outlast factual memory. People forget what you achieved. They
Speaker 1: don't forget how affectionate you were. People will remember when
Speaker 1: you were kind. People will remember when you were caring.
Speaker 1: People will remember when you listened without rushing them. People
Speaker 1: will remember when you showed up when no one else did.
Speaker 1: People will remember when you forgave them at their lowest.
Speaker 1: People will remember when you believed in them before anyone
Speaker 1: else did. People will remember when you stayed calm while
Speaker 1: they fell apart. People will remember when you gave them
Speaker 1: dignity instead of judgment. They may forget your wins, they
Speaker 1: may forget your work, but they won't forget your energy.
Speaker 1: And even if they do forget all of those things,
Speaker 1: there'll be one that remembers, and the most important thing.
Speaker 1: You will have lived a clean, energetic life. We don't
Speaker 1: do those things to be remembered for those things. We
Speaker 1: do those things so that we can go to sleep peacefully.
Speaker 1: You clean your energy internally so that you can live
Speaker 1: in a clean place. Right. You don't clean your home
Speaker 1: just because people are coming over. You clean it so
Speaker 1: that you can live in a clean home. You don't
Speaker 1: clean your mind for everyone else. You do it because
Speaker 1: you want to live in a clean place. It's a
Speaker 1: huge one, less than number seven. People change more from
Speaker 1: being understood than being corrected. We think people need better arguments.
Speaker 1: In truth, people need better listeners. Studies on motivational interviewing
Speaker 1: show people change when they feel heard, not when they're lectured.
Speaker 1: Understanding opens the door that correction keeps locked. Sometimes the
Speaker 1: best people get the worst of us, and the worst
Speaker 1: people get the best of us. The kindest people get
Speaker 1: our pain, and the meanest people get our joy. The
Speaker 1: real ones get our silence, and the fake ones get
Speaker 1: our performance. The loyal ones get our doubts and the
Speaker 1: disloyal ones get our trust. The ones who stay get
Speaker 1: our frustration, and the ones who leave get our patients.
Speaker 1: We give our apologies to strangers and our harshest words
Speaker 1: to the one's closest. We hide our tenderness from the
Speaker 1: safe ones and hand out our smiles to the ones
Speaker 1: hurt us. That's the tragedy of human behavior. We misplace
Speaker 1: our best energy. What I've realized is that we all
Speaker 1: lecture the people closest to us. We think if we
Speaker 1: tell them what to do, they'll finally get it right.
Speaker 1: The reality is people are looking to be validated, heard,
Speaker 1: and seen. You may say I know what they're going through.
Speaker 1: But have you ever asked them? Have you ever talked
Speaker 1: to your partner and just said, I want to hear
Speaker 1: from your side how this feels. I want to know
Speaker 1: why it is that you keep struggling with this. Not
Speaker 1: in a demanding way, in a curious way, in a
Speaker 1: genuine way. Remember, people change more from being understood than
Speaker 1: being corrected. People change more from being loved than from
Speaker 1: being hated. People change more from being validated, then pushed
Speaker 1: and judged lesser. Number eight. This one blew my mind,
Speaker 1: and it's from one of my favorite authors of all time.
Speaker 1: We remember endings more than middles. It sounds obvious, but
Speaker 1: stay with me for how it applies to life. Psychologist
Speaker 1: Daniel Karneman has a rule called his peak end rule,
Speaker 1: and it shows that we judge experiences not by how
Speaker 1: long they lasted, but by the peak moment and the
Speaker 1: ending moment. That's why a single kind goodbye or one
Speaker 1: cruel exit defines the whole relationship in our memory. The
Speaker 1: peak and rule is a psychological principle discovered by Nobel
Speaker 1: Prize winning psychologist Daniel Karnoman and his colleague Amos Twevsky.
Speaker 1: It says we don't judge an experience by its average
Speaker 1: or total duration. We judge it by two moments. One
Speaker 1: the peak, the most intense spot, whether good or bad,
Speaker 1: and number two the end. How the experience concluded. Everything
Speaker 1: else fades into the background. So Carnaman did a famous
Speaker 1: cold water experiment that proved this. Participants put their hand
Speaker 1: in painfully cold water for sixty seconds. In a second trial,
Speaker 1: they put their hand in cold water for ninety seconds,
Speaker 1: but in the last thirty seconds the water was made
Speaker 1: slightly warmer. It was still cold but a little less painful. Logically,
Speaker 1: the second trial should be worse ninety seconds of pain
Speaker 1: instead of sixty, but most people preferred the longer trial
Speaker 1: because the ending was less painful. The brain didn't remember
Speaker 1: the full timeline. It remembered the peak and the end.
Speaker 1: Now what does this mean for us in our life
Speaker 1: and our relationships? One cruel goodbye can overshadow years of love.
Speaker 1: I'm sure there's someone that you loved on that you
Speaker 1: cared about, that you did so much for, But because
Speaker 1: you didn't end on good terms, they hate you right
Speaker 1: because you didn't end on good terms. They talk bad
Speaker 1: about you because you didn't end on good terms. They
Speaker 1: say hurtful things about you to everyone else. Right, I'm
Speaker 1: sure you can relate, and one kind act at the
Speaker 1: end of someone's life can heal decades of distance. We
Speaker 1: don't carry the full record. We carry the peak and
Speaker 1: the ending. Now, how does this apply to work? People
Speaker 1: rarely remember the dozens of average meetings. They remember the
Speaker 1: one inspiring keynote and how they felt when they left
Speaker 1: the company. And what about daily experiences, whether it's vacations, weddings, concerts,
Speaker 1: People remember the highlight moment and the final moments. A
Speaker 1: bad flight home can sour the whole vacation. We think
Speaker 1: life is measured in hours and days, but memory measures
Speaker 1: life in moments and endings. End things well. Always leave
Speaker 1: people and places better and happier than you find them.
Speaker 1: Don't let things end on a bad note. Number two.
Speaker 1: Design peaks don't aim to make everything perfect. Create intentional moments,
Speaker 1: a surprise note and unexpected thank you, one unforgettable experience.
Speaker 1: Peaks matter more than perfection. Number three. Manage endings in conflict.
Speaker 1: Even if a conversation is hard, end it with respect.
Speaker 1: Simply by saying I care about you even if we disagree.
Speaker 1: Can change how the entire interaction is remembered. So there
Speaker 1: you have it. Those are the lessons that I have
Speaker 1: learned in the last twelve months. And as every important
Speaker 1: teacher has said before, you repeat what you don't repair.
Speaker 1: You repeat what you don't reflect on. You repeat what
Speaker 1: you don't release, You repeat what you don't reveal, You
Speaker 1: repeat what you don't reframe, You repeat what you don't
Speaker 1: respect in yourself, and you repeat what you don't take
Speaker 1: responsibility for. Patterns don't disappear with time, They disappear with work.
Speaker 1: So I hope you always remember to try and do that.
Speaker 1: On your birthday, take a moment to do I hope these
Speaker 1: have helped. Thank you so much for listening and watching.
Speaker 1: Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting
Speaker 1: for you. If you love this podcast, you love my
Speaker 1: episode with Lewis Hamilton. Lewis and I talk about why
Speaker 1: you should stop chasing societies definition of success and how
Speaker 1: to be more intentional with your goals. You don't want
Speaker 1: to miss it like. It's not about being perfect. It's
Speaker 1: about just every day, one step at a time, trying
Speaker 1: to be better, trying to do more. I'm learning a
Speaker 1: lot about myself I have to break myself down in
Speaker 1: order to be able to be better