WEBVTT - 10 Life Changing Lessons I Learned in The Last 12 Months (Birthday Special!) 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:04.160 You think saying no will let the other person down. Well, 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:07.120 guess what when you say yes when you don't want to, 0:00:07.840 --> 0:00:11.120 you let yourself down and you let that person down, 0:00:11.960 --> 0:00:15.840 and in the long term, you actually end up building resentment. 0:00:16.640 --> 0:00:20.600 It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship, 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:24.840 then say yes and resent the relationship. The number one 0:00:24.920 --> 0:00:33.280 health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Sheddy set Hey everyone, 0:00:33.360 --> 0:00:37.640 it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome back to On Purpose. It blows 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:41.839 my mind that millions of you tune in every single 0:00:41.920 --> 0:00:45.960 day to listen and to watch. Make sure you've subscribed 0:00:46.000 --> 0:00:49.400 to my YouTube channel so that you never miss a video. 0:00:49.840 --> 0:00:54.160 And make sure you've subscribed on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:57.440 wherever you get your podcasts so that you don't miss 0:00:57.480 --> 0:01:00.600 a drop. I've got so many exciting things coming your 0:01:00.640 --> 0:01:05.800 way now. It's a very special episode today because tomorrow, 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:08.160 if you're listening to this on the fifth of September 0:01:08.440 --> 0:01:13.040 twenty twenty five, Tomorrow, the sixth of September, is my birthday, 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:18.680 and every year I love to do a reflection introspection episode. 0:01:18.840 --> 0:01:21.560 Today I'm going to share with you lessons I've learned 0:01:22.040 --> 0:01:26.080 in the last twelve months they are about life, people, relationships. 0:01:26.720 --> 0:01:29.240 I'm going to give you the biggest ones that I've 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:32.800 taken away. These are real lessons that have come from 0:01:32.880 --> 0:01:37.080 lived experience, come from my own mistakes, come from my 0:01:37.120 --> 0:01:40.400 own challenges and struggles. And I love doing this episode 0:01:40.480 --> 0:01:43.720 for you every year because it really gets me into 0:01:43.760 --> 0:01:46.280 my own heart and mind and I get to open 0:01:46.360 --> 0:01:49.040 up about it with all of you. I always find 0:01:49.160 --> 0:01:53.160 that birthdays become about parties, they become about gifts, they 0:01:53.200 --> 0:01:56.320 become about presence and time with the people you love, 0:01:56.880 --> 0:02:00.200 and those are all really beautiful things. But for me, 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:05.080 they are also a time of taking stock, evaluating, auditing, 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:08.360 and looking at my life, making sure that I'm moving 0:02:08.400 --> 0:02:11.200 in the direction that I want, that I'm serving my 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:13.720 mission and purpose in the way that i want, and 0:02:13.760 --> 0:02:16.160 that I'm showing up for myself and the people I 0:02:16.240 --> 0:02:20.400 love in the way that I want. It's a beautiful 0:02:20.600 --> 0:02:23.680 annual ritual that I love to do, and I'm so 0:02:23.800 --> 0:02:26.239 glad I get to share it with you all on 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:30.799 the podcast. So here are the top ten lessons I've 0:02:30.880 --> 0:02:36.720 learned in the last twelve months. The first one is 0:02:36.800 --> 0:02:43.040 helping less can actually help more. This one is so 0:02:43.200 --> 0:02:45.840 hard to say as a coach. It's so hard to 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:49.280 say as someone who's always trying to help others. It's 0:02:49.320 --> 0:02:51.840 so hard to admit as someone who wants to see 0:02:52.040 --> 0:02:55.360 others grow. And I'm sure you're the same. When you 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:57.880 love someone, when you care about them, you want to 0:02:57.919 --> 0:03:00.200 help them. You want to be there for them, to 0:03:00.240 --> 0:03:03.320 show up for them, You want to solve all their problems, 0:03:03.400 --> 0:03:07.959 you want to fix everything. But here's what I've learned. Often, 0:03:08.160 --> 0:03:12.040 when you try to help others, you can actually end 0:03:12.120 --> 0:03:16.080 up hurting them. You hurt them not because of you helping, 0:03:16.919 --> 0:03:21.160 but because you're helping, ends up enabling them. It ends 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:25.480 up making them dependent. It makes them feel that they're 0:03:25.520 --> 0:03:30.080 inadequate to make the chaine themselves. It makes them feel 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:34.080 that they can't depend on themselves, they have to depend 0:03:34.120 --> 0:03:38.240 on you. It makes them feel that if you're not around, 0:03:38.920 --> 0:03:45.440 they might not know the answer. Really powerful leaders make 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:50.000 people believe in themselves. You're not trying to get people 0:03:50.000 --> 0:03:52.640 to believe in your advice, to think that you're a 0:03:52.680 --> 0:03:57.000 great person because you're always around. You want people to 0:03:57.160 --> 0:04:02.080 reconnect with their own intuition, own gut instinct, and when 0:04:02.120 --> 0:04:07.080 you're busy solving, fixing and helping everything. They never get 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:12.680 the opportunity to do that. Ask yourself. When you're helping someone, 0:04:13.480 --> 0:04:17.919 are you giving them the opportunity to help themselves or 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:21.919 are you taking it away? When you're trying to support someone, 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:25.799 are you assisting or are you trying to solve everything 0:04:25.920 --> 0:04:29.240 for them? When you're trying to be present for someone, 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:33.520 are you actually trying to fix and control everything or 0:04:33.520 --> 0:04:38.320 are you just there for a helping hand. It's so counterintuitive, 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:43.880 but it's true. Over helping creates dependency. Studies on learned 0:04:43.960 --> 0:04:49.040 helplessness show that if you rescue people too often, they 0:04:49.120 --> 0:04:54.600 stop building resilience. If you always rescue someone when they're 0:04:54.600 --> 0:04:59.120 in danger, they don't develop the skills themselves. If you 0:04:59.200 --> 0:05:03.919 always fix the for people when they're struggling, they don't 0:05:04.040 --> 0:05:08.160 learn to fix it themselves. If you're always rushing to 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:12.520 help someone when they're going through a challenge, they may 0:05:12.560 --> 0:05:16.120 lose the ability to help themselves, and you may hurt 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:22.400 them instead. Your best intention could actually cause someone long 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:26.960 term pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:33.359 step back and let someone stumble. Real coaching isn't carrying 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:38.599 someone up the mountain. It's reminding them they have legs. 0:05:39.640 --> 0:05:43.920 We think helping people is always noble, but sometimes help 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:48.440 is just disguised control. Think about that for a second. 0:05:48.600 --> 0:05:52.240 When you jump in too quickly, you teach people that 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:56.599 they can't handle life without you. When you carry their load, 0:05:57.440 --> 0:06:02.360 they never build the muscle to carry themselves. When you 0:06:02.480 --> 0:06:10.240 do everything for someone, they develop learned helplessness. When people 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:16.880 stop trying because someone else always steps in. You're rescuing 0:06:17.360 --> 0:06:22.520 can rob them of resilience. You're fixing can steal their 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:26.760 chance to figure it out. Your guidance can block them 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:33.719 from developing their own inner compass. Helping someone can actually 0:06:33.839 --> 0:06:38.520 hurt them. Trying to fix someone can actually make them 0:06:38.600 --> 0:06:42.839 feel more broken. When you rush to solve, you send 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:47.440 the hidden message you can't do this without me. It 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:52.920 can turn love into pity. It can turn care into control. 0:06:54.080 --> 0:07:00.479 Support doesn't mean solving, Love doesn't mean fixing, Compassion doesn't 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:07.760 mean control. Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing someone can 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:15.560 break them. Carrying someone can weaken them. Protecting someone can 0:07:15.600 --> 0:07:22.360 trap them. Saving someone can silence them. People don't grow 0:07:22.640 --> 0:07:26.520 when you do it for them. They grow when you 0:07:26.680 --> 0:07:31.440 believe they can do it themselves. They don't need your rescue. 0:07:32.120 --> 0:07:36.640 They need your trust. They don't need a fixer. They 0:07:36.680 --> 0:07:40.160 need a witness, someone to say I saw you do that, 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:42.880 and I'm here to watch you do it again. I'm 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:44.880 here to give you a helping hand if that's what 0:07:44.920 --> 0:07:47.760 you need right now. But realizing that you don't want 0:07:47.800 --> 0:07:50.560 to take away their opportunity. It's almost like saying, hey, 0:07:50.600 --> 0:07:52.680 I'll be with you at the gym, but i'll lift 0:07:52.680 --> 0:07:56.360 the weights for you. That wouldn't make any sense, right. 0:07:56.440 --> 0:07:58.320 I can be with you at the gym, but I 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:01.200 can't lift the weights for you. I'll be with you 0:08:01.240 --> 0:08:03.680 by your side, but I'm going to do the diet 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:06.800 for you. It doesn't work that way. You can't transfer 0:08:07.440 --> 0:08:13.960 your sacrifice into someone else's success. You can't transfer your 0:08:14.120 --> 0:08:20.600 discipline into someone else's desire. You can't transfer your work 0:08:21.480 --> 0:08:27.200 into someone else's worth. It doesn't work that way. They 0:08:27.240 --> 0:08:30.080 have to have the discipline, they have to do the work, 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:34.120 they have to make the sacrifice. You can beat there 0:08:35.000 --> 0:08:39.160 by their side, you can't do it for them. This 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:42.480 is a huge lesson that I've learned this year, and 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:45.520 I've realized it's a painful one because my nature is 0:08:45.559 --> 0:08:48.880 ton't want to see people reach their potential, and I 0:08:48.920 --> 0:08:50.920 want to speed it up for them. I want to 0:08:50.960 --> 0:08:53.360 solve it for them. I want to accelerate it for them. 0:08:54.559 --> 0:08:57.480 But I've seen time and time again then when I 0:08:57.520 --> 0:09:03.760 step back, when I'm present, when I'm there, that person 0:09:03.840 --> 0:09:08.160 builds a confidence like they never could have if I 0:09:08.200 --> 0:09:11.240 did it for them. And that's actually more beautiful to 0:09:11.280 --> 0:09:14.760 watch and observe. And I've seen it this year and 0:09:14.800 --> 0:09:18.640 I've actually said it to people. Hey, I am ready 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:21.320 to help you with whatever you need. But one thing 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:25.119 I've learned about growth is that I believe you genuinely 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:28.920 have the ability to grow yourself. You don't need my advice, 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:31.560 you don't need me to tell you what to do. 0:09:31.600 --> 0:09:34.600 You actually already know it inside of you. I want 0:09:34.600 --> 0:09:38.680 you to connect with that and watch how empowered they feel. 0:09:39.920 --> 0:09:45.400 Make people believe in them, not in you. That's the goal. 0:09:46.080 --> 0:09:48.800 Lesser Number two is something that I've heard this year 0:09:48.840 --> 0:09:54.240 that really resonated with me. Saying no is a full sentence. 0:09:55.080 --> 0:09:59.960 We think yes keeps relationships alive, but research on boundary 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:04.800 shows the opposite. People who can say no clearly are 0:10:04.880 --> 0:10:10.640 more trusted and more respected. Every yes that betrays yourself 0:10:11.240 --> 0:10:16.600 erodes connection. Every no that protects your truth deepens it. 0:10:17.600 --> 0:10:23.800 No isn't rejection, its honesty in its purest form. Now 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:26.720 we all struggle saying no. Think about the last time 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:31.520 you struggled saying no. Saying no is so hard because 0:10:31.559 --> 0:10:36.320 it triggers the fear of rejection. Humans are wired for belonging. 0:10:36.800 --> 0:10:43.040 Evolutionary psychology shows rejection once meant literal death, exile from 0:10:43.120 --> 0:10:47.040 the tribe. You've been kicked out. That wiring hasn't disappeared. 0:10:47.520 --> 0:10:52.200 Saying no feels dangerous because our brain interprets it as 0:10:52.320 --> 0:10:55.880 risking disconnection. Another reason why we struggle to say no 0:10:56.200 --> 0:11:00.280 is something known as the guilt reflex. When you they 0:11:00.320 --> 0:11:02.400 know and think about this the next time you do it, 0:11:03.040 --> 0:11:07.760 especially to people close to you, your brain actually releases 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:12.880 the stress hormone cortisol that mimic the discomfort of guilt. 0:11:13.600 --> 0:11:16.400 This is why so many people, all of us, we 0:11:16.679 --> 0:11:20.800 over explain or we apologize. Right, we're soothing our own 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:24.240 nervous system, not just the other person, because we're now 0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:28.000 feeling a sense of guilt. But here's what happens when 0:11:28.000 --> 0:11:33.479 you say no. It builds self respect. Studies on assertiveness 0:11:33.520 --> 0:11:38.079 training show people who practice saying no report higher self 0:11:38.200 --> 0:11:42.920 esteem and lower anxiety. Every no is a small vote 0:11:42.960 --> 0:11:47.960 of confidence that your time, energy, and needs actually matter. 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.400 This happened to me the other day. I was actually 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:53.920 with a friend I hadn't seen them for a long time, 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.600 and they were telling me about some really deep struggles 0:11:57.640 --> 0:12:01.280 they were having in their life. And someone wonderful came 0:12:01.360 --> 0:12:02.959 up to the table who wanted a picture and to 0:12:03.000 --> 0:12:05.000 say hello, and I said, hey, I would love to 0:12:05.040 --> 0:12:06.680 do it right afterwards, but I just need to be 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:10.360 present with this person right now, and my heart sank. 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:12.720 I didn't want to say no. I get so happy 0:12:12.760 --> 0:12:15.520 when I bump into you all at airports, restaurants, wherever 0:12:15.520 --> 0:12:17.559 I am. I love it. I really enjoy seeing you all. 0:12:17.880 --> 0:12:19.560 And I felt so bad saying hey, you know what, 0:12:19.600 --> 0:12:21.320 I'll do it later, but I can't write now because 0:12:21.320 --> 0:12:24.720 the person I was talking to was sharing some really emotional, 0:12:24.720 --> 0:12:28.120 difficult stuff that they were going through and I wanted 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:31.800 to be present for them. But having done that, I 0:12:31.800 --> 0:12:33.719 could tell how much it meant to the person with me, 0:12:34.200 --> 0:12:37.440 and I really hope the other person understood. It wasn't 0:12:37.480 --> 0:12:39.600 that I was being mean, It's not that I didn't 0:12:39.640 --> 0:12:42.040 want to do it. It was just that I was trying 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:45.080 to draw a boundary that was important to me, and 0:12:45.120 --> 0:12:48.080 it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine out of ten 0:12:48.120 --> 0:12:51.720 times I would say yes immediately, but learning to say 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:54.520 no it's so important. The other thing is that when 0:12:54.559 --> 0:12:59.320 we say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. Think 0:12:59.360 --> 0:13:02.040 about this first second. When your friend asks you for 0:13:02.120 --> 0:13:05.600 something and you want to say no, but you say 0:13:05.679 --> 0:13:09.320 yes to people please. You say yes because you don't 0:13:09.320 --> 0:13:11.560 want to let them down. You say yes because you 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:15.440 know they might overreact. What ends up happening in the 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:17.960 long term You end up thinking, God, I hate this person. 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:19.680 I've got to go do this thing for them today. 0:13:19.720 --> 0:13:21.640 I've got to get through this thing today. Oh my god, 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:24.080 I've got to do this thing. It's made into resentment. 0:13:24.800 --> 0:13:29.240 If you say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. 0:13:29.920 --> 0:13:34.280 Social psychologists find that when people say yes out of obligation, 0:13:35.040 --> 0:13:40.240 it leads to cognitive dissonance, a clash between values and actions. 0:13:40.920 --> 0:13:45.520 Over time, this erodes relationships more than an honest no. Ever, 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:50.720 could you think saying no will let the other person down? Well, 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:53.679 guess what when you say yes when you don't want to, 0:13:54.400 --> 0:13:57.720 you let yourself down, and you let that person down, 0:13:58.520 --> 0:14:02.400 and in the long term you actually end up building resentment. 0:14:03.200 --> 0:14:06.320 It's better to say no and continue to have a 0:14:06.360 --> 0:14:11.840 relationship then say yes and resent the relationship. By saying no, 0:14:12.120 --> 0:14:16.720 you protect the quality of your future. Yes people begin 0:14:16.840 --> 0:14:19.960 to trust you r yes more because it's no longer 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:26.200 automatic boundaries create credibility. A woman my mum worked with 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:30.480 once told me she had spent her entire life saying yes, 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:34.640 yes to family, yes to her kids, yes to her community. 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:40.520 She was the person everyone leaned on birthdays, last minute babysitting, 0:14:40.840 --> 0:14:45.120 emotional support, loaning money, cooking meals, you name it. If 0:14:45.160 --> 0:14:49.600 someone asked, she said yes, But behind the yes, she 0:14:49.800 --> 0:14:54.480 was exhausted. She felt invisible in her own life. She 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:57.720 told me, I didn't even know what I liked anymore. 0:14:58.360 --> 0:15:01.680 I only knew what everyone else want wanted. One day, 0:15:01.760 --> 0:15:05.760 her daughter asked her to watch the grandkids again, after 0:15:05.800 --> 0:15:08.800 she had already canceled plan twice that week to help. 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:14.040 Something inside her broke for the first time in thirty years. 0:15:14.560 --> 0:15:20.440 She said, no, not today, I need rest. Her daughter 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:26.320 was shocked, upset, even guilted her, and that old fear 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:31.280 came flooding in what if she loved me less? What 0:15:31.360 --> 0:15:36.160 if I'm needed less? But something surprising happened. The world 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:39.960 didn't fall apart. Her daughter figured it out, and for 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:43.360 the first time, she spent the day doing something just 0:15:43.440 --> 0:15:49.360 for herself, reading, walking, and sleeping without apology, and later 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:53.800 her daughter admitted, at first I was mad, but then 0:15:53.840 --> 0:15:58.560 I realized you've never said no to me. You deserve to. 0:15:59.400 --> 0:16:04.840 That single rewired the entire family dynamic. Her daughter stopped 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:09.200 assuming she'd always be available, Her grandchildren learned by example 0:16:09.280 --> 0:16:12.560 that boundaries are normal, and the woman herself she told 0:16:12.640 --> 0:16:17.600 me that no felt more like love than all the 0:16:17.760 --> 0:16:23.440 yeses I gave For decades. Saying yes constantly had made 0:16:23.480 --> 0:16:29.520 her resentful. Saying no finally made her relationships more honest. 0:16:30.160 --> 0:16:33.000 Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for others 0:16:33.720 --> 0:16:41.000 is to stop betraying yourself. Learn to say no, Learn 0:16:41.120 --> 0:16:46.360 to say not now. Learn to say this doesn't work 0:16:46.400 --> 0:16:50.720 for me. Learn to say I can't carry that today. 0:16:51.560 --> 0:16:56.440 Learn to say I need space. Learn to say I've 0:16:56.520 --> 0:17:02.600 changed my mind. Learn to say I deserve better. Learn 0:17:02.720 --> 0:17:07.560 to say yes only when your whole self agrees, because 0:17:07.600 --> 0:17:12.960 every fake yes is a quiet betrayal, and every honest 0:17:13.200 --> 0:17:18.360 no is an act of respect for you and for them. 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:21.359 Lesser Number three that I've learned in the last twelve 0:17:21.440 --> 0:17:26.760 months is your attention is your real bank account. I 0:17:26.800 --> 0:17:29.600 noticed a few years ago how when I started using TikTok, 0:17:30.000 --> 0:17:33.120 my attention started to diminish, and it took a lot 0:17:33.160 --> 0:17:36.439 of effort to bring it back. I was someone who 0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:39.920 loved reading books. I was someone who loved getting into 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:42.840 deep journals and articles, and all of a sudden, I 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:47.359 saw myself looking for eight seconds of joy, entertainment, and 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:51.280 speed of consumption, and I started to realize, my attention 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:55.560 is my real bank account. Because what makes or breaks 0:17:55.560 --> 0:18:01.680 your life is where you spend your attention. Cognitive psychology 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:07.240 calls this attentional control, and it predicts success better than 0:18:07.280 --> 0:18:12.199 IQ think about it. Billionaires go bankrupt, but someone who 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:17.320 can direct their focus can rebuild. Your attention isn't just currency, 0:18:17.880 --> 0:18:24.040 its compound interest. Neuroscientists call our attention a limited resource. 0:18:24.760 --> 0:18:29.480 Every time you focus, you spend mental energy. Like money, 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:34.040 you can invest it, waste it, or lose it. Unlike money, 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:37.719 you can never get it back. Psychologists have found that 0:18:37.760 --> 0:18:42.399 people who learn to direct their attention intentionally, what they read, 0:18:42.520 --> 0:18:46.480 what they notice, who they give time to predict life 0:18:46.480 --> 0:18:52.600 satisfaction more than income or IQ. Stop wasting your attention 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:58.480 on people who don't value yours. Stop wasting your attention 0:18:59.320 --> 0:19:04.679 on problem you can't control. Stop wasting your attention on 0:19:04.800 --> 0:19:11.320 scrolling through strangers' lives. Stop wasting your attention. It is 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:16.439 your greatest wealth. When I think about my attention, I 0:19:16.560 --> 0:19:20.359 think about it like my back balance. There's only a 0:19:20.400 --> 0:19:24.120 limited amount you have to spend. How are you going 0:19:24.160 --> 0:19:27.119 to use it? How are you going to direct it? 0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:29.480 How are you going to focus it? How are you 0:19:29.560 --> 0:19:33.439 going to allow yourself to not be consumed by unnecessary things. 0:19:34.359 --> 0:19:37.400 Let's say someone did something really bad to you. Let's 0:19:37.400 --> 0:19:41.000 say someone wronged you. How much time do I want 0:19:41.040 --> 0:19:45.959 to waste trying to solve that? How much energy do 0:19:46.000 --> 0:19:50.080 I want to spend trying to get an apology? How 0:19:50.160 --> 0:19:53.640 much time am I willing to give away and never 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:57.160 get back hoping that person will realize what they did 0:19:57.240 --> 0:20:02.600 was wrong. We waste hours, days, weeks of our life 0:20:03.480 --> 0:20:06.760 on things that won't make a difference. The next time 0:20:06.760 --> 0:20:10.600 you're upset by something, ask yourself, do I really care? 0:20:12.200 --> 0:20:14.760 Even if I get the result I want, will it 0:20:14.840 --> 0:20:18.600 really matter? Or is there a better use of my time? 0:20:19.280 --> 0:20:22.560 Is there a better use of my energy? Before we continue, 0:20:22.840 --> 0:20:25.359 let's take a quick breather and listen to some of 0:20:25.400 --> 0:20:29.960 our sponsors. Hey, it's Jay Shedy and I'm so excited 0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:34.640 to share We're launching a brand new subscription on Apple Podcasts. 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:38.679 That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration, 0:20:38.920 --> 0:20:41.800 more tools, more depth, you now have the option to 0:20:41.880 --> 0:20:46.639 subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests. And 0:20:46.720 --> 0:20:49.640 don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone. 0:20:50.000 --> 0:20:52.080 But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper 0:20:52.160 --> 0:20:55.320 and support the show, this is for you. Just hit 0:20:55.480 --> 0:20:59.800 Try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community 0:21:00.200 --> 0:21:03.040 of purpose driven listeners. I can't wait for you to 0:21:03.119 --> 0:21:08.840 check it out. Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. 0:21:09.640 --> 0:21:16.360 Lesson number four is that achievement without alignment feels like failure. 0:21:17.480 --> 0:21:22.600 We think success guarantees fulfillment, but psychology shows when your 0:21:22.640 --> 0:21:27.520 achievements don't match your values, they feel hollow. That's why 0:21:27.520 --> 0:21:31.719 people hit milestones, the promotion, the house, the wedding, and 0:21:31.760 --> 0:21:35.000 feel emptier than ever. It's not that the house, the wedding, 0:21:35.200 --> 0:21:38.600 or the milestone wasn't important. It's that did you connect 0:21:38.640 --> 0:21:43.880 it to your values. Success without alignment isn't success. When 0:21:44.040 --> 0:21:49.520 actions and values don't match, the brain experiences internal conflict. 0:21:50.040 --> 0:21:54.320 For example, I value family, but I spend all my 0:21:54.480 --> 0:21:59.439 time at work. I value creativity, but my role only 0:21:59.560 --> 0:22:06.719 rewards efficiency. This dissonance, this distance, creates stress, anxiety, and 0:22:06.760 --> 0:22:10.359 eventually burn out, even in successful people. This is what 0:22:10.400 --> 0:22:13.720 I've learned this year that really blew my mind. I 0:22:13.760 --> 0:22:19.080 want you to remember this. You'll become successful by what 0:22:19.160 --> 0:22:25.240 you get. You'll become happy by what you lose. When 0:22:25.280 --> 0:22:32.359 you get a new job, a promotion, a new level, 0:22:33.040 --> 0:22:37.800 you'll feel successful, but you'll only feel happy when you lose. 0:22:38.720 --> 0:22:43.119 When you lose envy, when you lose ego, when you 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:47.200 lose greed. It's when we lose that we become happy. 0:22:48.200 --> 0:22:50.840 Because for years I used to hear people say money 0:22:50.840 --> 0:22:53.280 doesn't buy happiness, and I used to think to myself, well, 0:22:53.280 --> 0:22:55.359 it's really easy, because the people who often say that 0:22:55.359 --> 0:22:58.880 are the ones with money, and so that didn't make 0:22:59.000 --> 0:23:01.680 sense to me. And also I saw people with money 0:23:01.720 --> 0:23:04.119 who are happy. I saw people without money who are happy. 0:23:04.680 --> 0:23:06.760 So I said, Okay, well that doesn't make sense either, 0:23:07.480 --> 0:23:10.280 So what was it? What I saw is that it 0:23:10.320 --> 0:23:14.560 didn't matter what you did have or didn't have in 0:23:14.640 --> 0:23:18.680 terms of things, in terms of success, but it did 0:23:18.800 --> 0:23:22.560 matter what you did or didn't have internally. So if 0:23:22.560 --> 0:23:26.240 you had money but you had envy, you were unhappy. 0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:29.480 And if you had money but you didn't have envy, 0:23:30.080 --> 0:23:33.760 you could be happy. It was the lack of envy 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:38.440 and the lack of ego that guaranteed happiness no matter 0:23:38.480 --> 0:23:41.120 what position you were in, because those were the two 0:23:41.240 --> 0:23:46.720 traits that pushed away love and relationships. If you're egotistical, 0:23:47.240 --> 0:23:49.919 you turn people off because now they don't want to 0:23:49.920 --> 0:23:53.240 be around you. And if you're envious, you get turned 0:23:53.240 --> 0:23:55.680 off by people that you don't want to be around. 0:23:56.280 --> 0:24:00.000 When you have arrogance and ego and bravado, you push 0:24:00.119 --> 0:24:03.400 people away. When you have envy, you do the same thing. 0:24:04.320 --> 0:24:07.480 You can't be friends with someone you're envy asarv and 0:24:07.520 --> 0:24:09.160 no one wants to be friends with you. When you're 0:24:09.160 --> 0:24:13.520 an egotistical, you lose the most valuable part of human life, 0:24:13.560 --> 0:24:17.800 which is human connection and relationships. When these two qualities 0:24:18.400 --> 0:24:21.840 take over your life as much as we're working on 0:24:21.880 --> 0:24:25.080 what we get, we have to work on what we 0:24:25.119 --> 0:24:31.320 want to lose. Mastering ego and mastering envy are a 0:24:31.400 --> 0:24:35.639 daily practice. They're a daily habit. You will be so 0:24:35.760 --> 0:24:39.879 much happier if you reduce your envy. You'll be so 0:24:40.040 --> 0:24:43.920 much happier if you reduce your ego. Not just increase 0:24:44.000 --> 0:24:47.400 your output, not just increase your productivity, not just increase 0:24:47.440 --> 0:24:51.360 your efficiency. I promise you give attention to that part 0:24:51.359 --> 0:24:53.720 of your life. I focus on that part of my 0:24:53.760 --> 0:24:56.600 life a lot. I call it the seeds and weeds. 0:24:57.160 --> 0:24:59.439 I think about envy and ego like weeds in the 0:24:59.480 --> 0:25:02.560 garden life that I have to uproot, that I have 0:25:02.640 --> 0:25:06.960 to take out, that have to purify, and you feel 0:25:06.960 --> 0:25:11.119 so much better for it. Lesson number five. The people 0:25:11.160 --> 0:25:16.800 who frustrate you teach you the most about you. Annoyances 0:25:16.840 --> 0:25:23.000 aren't random. Psychologists call it projective identification. The traits we 0:25:23.119 --> 0:25:28.600 can't stand in others often mirrors parts of ourselves. We 0:25:28.840 --> 0:25:34.400 haven't accepted that controlling boss. Maybe it reflects your own 0:25:34.560 --> 0:25:39.719 fear of letting go. People are mirrors, not just irritants. 0:25:40.119 --> 0:25:42.240 It doesn't mean that they don't have that problem. And 0:25:42.240 --> 0:25:45.520 what you're seeing isn't real, it's that you may have 0:25:45.600 --> 0:25:52.719 it too. Your triggers are your teachers. Your jealousy is 0:25:52.760 --> 0:25:59.760 your guide, Your anger is your mirror. Your irritation shows 0:25:59.800 --> 0:26:06.560 you your wounds. Your defensiveness reveals your fear. Your impatience 0:26:07.280 --> 0:26:15.359 exposes your expectations. Your sadness highlights your values. Every reaction 0:26:16.280 --> 0:26:22.840 is a revelation, Every trigger is a teacher. Life will 0:26:22.920 --> 0:26:28.000 keep sending you the same lesson until you learn from it. 0:26:28.760 --> 0:26:36.040 Lesser number six, Kindness is remembered longer than achievement. Ask 0:26:36.080 --> 0:26:39.440 people about their mentors or loved ones, and they rarely 0:26:39.600 --> 0:26:43.480 recall accomplishments. I doubt you end up at a funeral 0:26:43.520 --> 0:26:46.560 and hear about someone's accomplishments. I doubt you end up 0:26:46.600 --> 0:26:50.560 at a seventieth birthday and hear about someone's accomplishments. I 0:26:50.600 --> 0:26:54.400 was actually just at a dear family friend's seventieth birthday 0:26:54.440 --> 0:26:58.320 a couple of weeks ago. No one talked about his achievements, 0:26:58.359 --> 0:27:04.440 and he has plenty. They recalled moments of kindness, They 0:27:04.520 --> 0:27:12.240 recalled moments of genuine sincere connection. Behavioral science shows emotional 0:27:12.320 --> 0:27:19.400 memory outlast factual memory. People forget what you achieved. They 0:27:19.480 --> 0:27:25.280 don't forget how affectionate you were. People will remember when 0:27:25.280 --> 0:27:29.879 you were kind. People will remember when you were caring. 0:27:30.800 --> 0:27:35.760 People will remember when you listened without rushing them. People 0:27:35.800 --> 0:27:39.560 will remember when you showed up when no one else did. 0:27:40.440 --> 0:27:44.760 People will remember when you forgave them at their lowest. 0:27:45.760 --> 0:27:49.880 People will remember when you believed in them before anyone 0:27:49.880 --> 0:27:54.640 else did. People will remember when you stayed calm while 0:27:54.640 --> 0:27:58.840 they fell apart. People will remember when you gave them 0:27:58.920 --> 0:28:05.200 dignity instead of judgment. They may forget your wins, they 0:28:05.240 --> 0:28:09.160 may forget your work, but they won't forget your energy. 0:28:10.040 --> 0:28:13.119 And even if they do forget all of those things, 0:28:13.680 --> 0:28:17.360 there'll be one that remembers, and the most important thing. 0:28:18.200 --> 0:28:22.879 You will have lived a clean, energetic life. We don't 0:28:22.960 --> 0:28:25.479 do those things to be remembered for those things. We 0:28:25.560 --> 0:28:28.760 do those things so that we can go to sleep peacefully. 0:28:28.920 --> 0:28:32.240 You clean your energy internally so that you can live 0:28:32.280 --> 0:28:34.760 in a clean place. Right. You don't clean your home 0:28:34.880 --> 0:28:37.399 just because people are coming over. You clean it so 0:28:37.440 --> 0:28:40.080 that you can live in a clean home. You don't 0:28:40.080 --> 0:28:43.240