1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:04,160 Speaker 1: You think saying no will let the other person down. Well, 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:07,120 Speaker 1: guess what when you say yes when you don't want to, 3 00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:11,120 Speaker 1: you let yourself down and you let that person down, 4 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: and in the long term, you actually end up building resentment. 5 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:20,600 Speaker 1: It's better to say no and continue to have a relationship, 6 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,840 Speaker 1: then say yes and resent the relationship. The number one 7 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:33,280 Speaker 1: health and wellness podcast, Jay Shetty, Jay Sheddy set Hey everyone, 8 00:00:33,360 --> 00:00:37,640 Speaker 1: it's Jay Sheddy. Welcome back to On Purpose. It blows 9 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:41,839 Speaker 1: my mind that millions of you tune in every single 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:45,960 Speaker 1: day to listen and to watch. Make sure you've subscribed 11 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:49,400 Speaker 1: to my YouTube channel so that you never miss a video. 12 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:54,160 Speaker 1: And make sure you've subscribed on Apple, Spotify, iHeart, or 13 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: wherever you get your podcasts so that you don't miss 14 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,600 Speaker 1: a drop. I've got so many exciting things coming your 15 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:05,800 Speaker 1: way now. It's a very special episode today because tomorrow, 16 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,160 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this on the fifth of September 17 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:13,040 Speaker 1: twenty twenty five, Tomorrow, the sixth of September, is my birthday, 18 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:18,680 Speaker 1: and every year I love to do a reflection introspection episode. 19 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,560 Speaker 1: Today I'm going to share with you lessons I've learned 20 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: in the last twelve months they are about life, people, relationships. 21 00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: I'm going to give you the biggest ones that I've 22 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: taken away. These are real lessons that have come from 23 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 1: lived experience, come from my own mistakes, come from my 24 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,400 Speaker 1: own challenges and struggles. And I love doing this episode 25 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:43,720 Speaker 1: for you every year because it really gets me into 26 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 1: my own heart and mind and I get to open 27 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,040 Speaker 1: up about it with all of you. I always find 28 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:53,160 Speaker 1: that birthdays become about parties, they become about gifts, they 29 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,320 Speaker 1: become about presence and time with the people you love, 30 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,200 Speaker 1: and those are all really beautiful things. But for me, 31 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:05,080 Speaker 1: they are also a time of taking stock, evaluating, auditing, 32 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,360 Speaker 1: and looking at my life, making sure that I'm moving 33 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,200 Speaker 1: in the direction that I want, that I'm serving my 34 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:13,720 Speaker 1: mission and purpose in the way that i want, and 35 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: that I'm showing up for myself and the people I 36 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 1: love in the way that I want. It's a beautiful 37 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,680 Speaker 1: annual ritual that I love to do, and I'm so 38 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,239 Speaker 1: glad I get to share it with you all on 39 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,799 Speaker 1: the podcast. So here are the top ten lessons I've 40 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 1: learned in the last twelve months. The first one is 41 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 1: helping less can actually help more. This one is so 42 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:45,840 Speaker 1: hard to say as a coach. It's so hard to 43 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:49,280 Speaker 1: say as someone who's always trying to help others. It's 44 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,840 Speaker 1: so hard to admit as someone who wants to see 45 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,360 Speaker 1: others grow. And I'm sure you're the same. When you 46 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:57,880 Speaker 1: love someone, when you care about them, you want to 47 00:02:57,919 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 1: help them. You want to be there for them, to 48 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:03,320 Speaker 1: show up for them, You want to solve all their problems, 49 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:07,959 Speaker 1: you want to fix everything. But here's what I've learned. Often, 50 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:12,040 Speaker 1: when you try to help others, you can actually end 51 00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:16,080 Speaker 1: up hurting them. You hurt them not because of you helping, 52 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: but because you're helping, ends up enabling them. It ends 53 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:25,480 Speaker 1: up making them dependent. It makes them feel that they're 54 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:30,080 Speaker 1: inadequate to make the chaine themselves. It makes them feel 55 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,080 Speaker 1: that they can't depend on themselves, they have to depend 56 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 1: on you. It makes them feel that if you're not around, 57 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:45,440 Speaker 1: they might not know the answer. Really powerful leaders make 58 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 1: people believe in themselves. You're not trying to get people 59 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:52,640 Speaker 1: to believe in your advice, to think that you're a 60 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:57,000 Speaker 1: great person because you're always around. You want people to 61 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:02,080 Speaker 1: reconnect with their own intuition, own gut instinct, and when 62 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 1: you're busy solving, fixing and helping everything. They never get 63 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:12,680 Speaker 1: the opportunity to do that. Ask yourself. When you're helping someone, 64 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,919 Speaker 1: are you giving them the opportunity to help themselves or 65 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,919 Speaker 1: are you taking it away? When you're trying to support someone, 66 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,799 Speaker 1: are you assisting or are you trying to solve everything 67 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,240 Speaker 1: for them? When you're trying to be present for someone, 68 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:33,520 Speaker 1: are you actually trying to fix and control everything or 69 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: are you just there for a helping hand. It's so counterintuitive, 70 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:43,880 Speaker 1: but it's true. Over helping creates dependency. Studies on learned 71 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:49,040 Speaker 1: helplessness show that if you rescue people too often, they 72 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:54,600 Speaker 1: stop building resilience. If you always rescue someone when they're 73 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:59,120 Speaker 1: in danger, they don't develop the skills themselves. If you 74 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:03,919 Speaker 1: always fix the for people when they're struggling, they don't 75 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:08,160 Speaker 1: learn to fix it themselves. If you're always rushing to 76 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: help someone when they're going through a challenge, they may 77 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,120 Speaker 1: lose the ability to help themselves, and you may hurt 78 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 1: them instead. Your best intention could actually cause someone long 79 00:05:22,480 --> 00:05:26,960 Speaker 1: term pain. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is 80 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:33,359 Speaker 1: step back and let someone stumble. Real coaching isn't carrying 81 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:38,599 Speaker 1: someone up the mountain. It's reminding them they have legs. 82 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,920 Speaker 1: We think helping people is always noble, but sometimes help 83 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,440 Speaker 1: is just disguised control. Think about that for a second. 84 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,240 Speaker 1: When you jump in too quickly, you teach people that 85 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,599 Speaker 1: they can't handle life without you. When you carry their load, 86 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:02,360 Speaker 1: they never build the muscle to carry themselves. When you 87 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:10,240 Speaker 1: do everything for someone, they develop learned helplessness. When people 88 00:06:10,279 --> 00:06:16,880 Speaker 1: stop trying because someone else always steps in. You're rescuing 89 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:22,520 Speaker 1: can rob them of resilience. You're fixing can steal their 90 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:26,760 Speaker 1: chance to figure it out. Your guidance can block them 91 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 1: from developing their own inner compass. Helping someone can actually 92 00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 1: hurt them. Trying to fix someone can actually make them 93 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,839 Speaker 1: feel more broken. When you rush to solve, you send 94 00:06:42,839 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: the hidden message you can't do this without me. It 95 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:52,920 Speaker 1: can turn love into pity. It can turn care into control. 96 00:06:54,080 --> 00:07:00,479 Speaker 1: Support doesn't mean solving, Love doesn't mean fixing, Compassion doesn't 97 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: mean control. Helping someone can hurt them. Fixing someone can 98 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:15,560 Speaker 1: break them. Carrying someone can weaken them. Protecting someone can 99 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:22,360 Speaker 1: trap them. Saving someone can silence them. People don't grow 100 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: when you do it for them. They grow when you 101 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:31,440 Speaker 1: believe they can do it themselves. They don't need your rescue. 102 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:36,640 Speaker 1: They need your trust. They don't need a fixer. They 103 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:40,160 Speaker 1: need a witness, someone to say I saw you do that, 104 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,880 Speaker 1: and I'm here to watch you do it again. I'm 105 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: here to give you a helping hand if that's what 106 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,760 Speaker 1: you need right now. But realizing that you don't want 107 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: to take away their opportunity. It's almost like saying, hey, 108 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,680 Speaker 1: I'll be with you at the gym, but i'll lift 109 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,360 Speaker 1: the weights for you. That wouldn't make any sense, right. 110 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,320 Speaker 1: I can be with you at the gym, but I 111 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:01,200 Speaker 1: can't lift the weights for you. I'll be with you 112 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,680 Speaker 1: by your side, but I'm going to do the diet 113 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,800 Speaker 1: for you. It doesn't work that way. You can't transfer 114 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 1: your sacrifice into someone else's success. You can't transfer your 115 00:08:14,120 --> 00:08:20,600 Speaker 1: discipline into someone else's desire. You can't transfer your work 116 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:27,200 Speaker 1: into someone else's worth. It doesn't work that way. They 117 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: have to have the discipline, they have to do the work, 118 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:34,120 Speaker 1: they have to make the sacrifice. You can beat there 119 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:39,160 Speaker 1: by their side, you can't do it for them. This 120 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,480 Speaker 1: is a huge lesson that I've learned this year, and 121 00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: I've realized it's a painful one because my nature is 122 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,880 Speaker 1: ton't want to see people reach their potential, and I 123 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: want to speed it up for them. I want to 124 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,360 Speaker 1: solve it for them. I want to accelerate it for them. 125 00:08:54,559 --> 00:08:57,480 Speaker 1: But I've seen time and time again then when I 126 00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:03,760 Speaker 1: step back, when I'm present, when I'm there, that person 127 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: builds a confidence like they never could have if I 128 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 1: did it for them. And that's actually more beautiful to 129 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:14,760 Speaker 1: watch and observe. And I've seen it this year and 130 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,640 Speaker 1: I've actually said it to people. Hey, I am ready 131 00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:21,320 Speaker 1: to help you with whatever you need. But one thing 132 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,119 Speaker 1: I've learned about growth is that I believe you genuinely 133 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,920 Speaker 1: have the ability to grow yourself. You don't need my advice, 134 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:31,560 Speaker 1: you don't need me to tell you what to do. 135 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:34,600 Speaker 1: You actually already know it inside of you. I want 136 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,680 Speaker 1: you to connect with that and watch how empowered they feel. 137 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 1: Make people believe in them, not in you. That's the goal. 138 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,800 Speaker 1: Lesser Number two is something that I've heard this year 139 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:54,240 Speaker 1: that really resonated with me. Saying no is a full sentence. 140 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:59,960 Speaker 1: We think yes keeps relationships alive, but research on boundary 141 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:04,800 Speaker 1: shows the opposite. People who can say no clearly are 142 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: more trusted and more respected. Every yes that betrays yourself 143 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:16,600 Speaker 1: erodes connection. Every no that protects your truth deepens it. 144 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:23,800 Speaker 1: No isn't rejection, its honesty in its purest form. Now 145 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: we all struggle saying no. Think about the last time 146 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:31,520 Speaker 1: you struggled saying no. Saying no is so hard because 147 00:10:31,559 --> 00:10:36,320 Speaker 1: it triggers the fear of rejection. Humans are wired for belonging. 148 00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: Evolutionary psychology shows rejection once meant literal death, exile from 149 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:47,040 Speaker 1: the tribe. You've been kicked out. That wiring hasn't disappeared. 150 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:52,200 Speaker 1: Saying no feels dangerous because our brain interprets it as 151 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 1: risking disconnection. Another reason why we struggle to say no 152 00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,280 Speaker 1: is something known as the guilt reflex. When you they 153 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: know and think about this the next time you do it, 154 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:07,760 Speaker 1: especially to people close to you, your brain actually releases 155 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 1: the stress hormone cortisol that mimic the discomfort of guilt. 156 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:16,400 Speaker 1: This is why so many people, all of us, we 157 00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:20,800 Speaker 1: over explain or we apologize. Right, we're soothing our own 158 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,240 Speaker 1: nervous system, not just the other person, because we're now 159 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:28,000 Speaker 1: feeling a sense of guilt. But here's what happens when 160 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:33,479 Speaker 1: you say no. It builds self respect. Studies on assertiveness 161 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:38,079 Speaker 1: training show people who practice saying no report higher self 162 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:42,920 Speaker 1: esteem and lower anxiety. Every no is a small vote 163 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:47,960 Speaker 1: of confidence that your time, energy, and needs actually matter. 164 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,400 Speaker 1: This happened to me the other day. I was actually 165 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,920 Speaker 1: with a friend I hadn't seen them for a long time, 166 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:57,600 Speaker 1: and they were telling me about some really deep struggles 167 00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: they were having in their life. And someone wonderful came 168 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,959 Speaker 1: up to the table who wanted a picture and to 169 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,000 Speaker 1: say hello, and I said, hey, I would love to 170 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:06,680 Speaker 1: do it right afterwards, but I just need to be 171 00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:10,360 Speaker 1: present with this person right now, and my heart sank. 172 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,720 Speaker 1: I didn't want to say no. I get so happy 173 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,520 Speaker 1: when I bump into you all at airports, restaurants, wherever 174 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:17,559 Speaker 1: I am. I love it. I really enjoy seeing you all. 175 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,560 Speaker 1: And I felt so bad saying hey, you know what, 176 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: I'll do it later, but I can't write now because 177 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,720 Speaker 1: the person I was talking to was sharing some really emotional, 178 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: difficult stuff that they were going through and I wanted 179 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,800 Speaker 1: to be present for them. But having done that, I 180 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,719 Speaker 1: could tell how much it meant to the person with me, 181 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:37,440 Speaker 1: and I really hope the other person understood. It wasn't 182 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: that I was being mean, It's not that I didn't 183 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 1: want to do it. It was just that I was trying 184 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,080 Speaker 1: to draw a boundary that was important to me, and 185 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:48,080 Speaker 1: it's really hard. It's really hard. Nine out of ten 186 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:51,720 Speaker 1: times I would say yes immediately, but learning to say 187 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,520 Speaker 1: no it's so important. The other thing is that when 188 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:59,320 Speaker 1: we say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. Think 189 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: about this first second. When your friend asks you for 190 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 1: something and you want to say no, but you say 191 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:09,320 Speaker 1: yes to people please. You say yes because you don't 192 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,560 Speaker 1: want to let them down. You say yes because you 193 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,440 Speaker 1: know they might overreact. What ends up happening in the 194 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,960 Speaker 1: long term You end up thinking, God, I hate this person. 195 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,680 Speaker 1: I've got to go do this thing for them today. 196 00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:21,640 Speaker 1: I've got to get through this thing today. Oh my god, 197 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,080 Speaker 1: I've got to do this thing. It's made into resentment. 198 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:29,240 Speaker 1: If you say yes without alignment, it actually breeds resentment. 199 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,280 Speaker 1: Social psychologists find that when people say yes out of obligation, 200 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 1: it leads to cognitive dissonance, a clash between values and actions. 201 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:45,520 Speaker 1: Over time, this erodes relationships more than an honest no. Ever, 202 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:50,720 Speaker 1: could you think saying no will let the other person down? Well, 203 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,679 Speaker 1: guess what when you say yes when you don't want to, 204 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,720 Speaker 1: you let yourself down, and you let that person down, 205 00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: and in the long term you actually end up building resentment. 206 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,320 Speaker 1: It's better to say no and continue to have a 207 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:11,840 Speaker 1: relationship then say yes and resent the relationship. By saying no, 208 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,720 Speaker 1: you protect the quality of your future. Yes people begin 209 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:19,960 Speaker 1: to trust you r yes more because it's no longer 210 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 1: automatic boundaries create credibility. A woman my mum worked with 211 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,480 Speaker 1: once told me she had spent her entire life saying yes, 212 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:34,640 Speaker 1: yes to family, yes to her kids, yes to her community. 213 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:40,520 Speaker 1: She was the person everyone leaned on birthdays, last minute babysitting, 214 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:45,120 Speaker 1: emotional support, loaning money, cooking meals, you name it. If 215 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: someone asked, she said yes, But behind the yes, she 216 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 1: was exhausted. She felt invisible in her own life. She 217 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: told me, I didn't even know what I liked anymore. 218 00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,680 Speaker 1: I only knew what everyone else want wanted. One day, 219 00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:05,760 Speaker 1: her daughter asked her to watch the grandkids again, after 220 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,800 Speaker 1: she had already canceled plan twice that week to help. 221 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:14,040 Speaker 1: Something inside her broke for the first time in thirty years. 222 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:20,440 Speaker 1: She said, no, not today, I need rest. Her daughter 223 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:26,320 Speaker 1: was shocked, upset, even guilted her, and that old fear 224 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:31,280 Speaker 1: came flooding in what if she loved me less? What 225 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:36,160 Speaker 1: if I'm needed less? But something surprising happened. The world 226 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,960 Speaker 1: didn't fall apart. Her daughter figured it out, and for 227 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:43,360 Speaker 1: the first time, she spent the day doing something just 228 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:49,360 Speaker 1: for herself, reading, walking, and sleeping without apology, and later 229 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: her daughter admitted, at first I was mad, but then 230 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:58,560 Speaker 1: I realized you've never said no to me. You deserve to. 231 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:04,840 Speaker 1: That single rewired the entire family dynamic. Her daughter stopped 232 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 1: assuming she'd always be available, Her grandchildren learned by example 233 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:12,560 Speaker 1: that boundaries are normal, and the woman herself she told 234 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:17,600 Speaker 1: me that no felt more like love than all the 235 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:23,440 Speaker 1: yeses I gave For decades. Saying yes constantly had made 236 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:29,520 Speaker 1: her resentful. Saying no finally made her relationships more honest. 237 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 1: Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for others 238 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:41,000 Speaker 1: is to stop betraying yourself. Learn to say no, Learn 239 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:46,360 Speaker 1: to say not now. Learn to say this doesn't work 240 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:50,720 Speaker 1: for me. Learn to say I can't carry that today. 241 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 1: Learn to say I need space. Learn to say I've 242 00:16:56,520 --> 00:17:02,600 Speaker 1: changed my mind. Learn to say I deserve better. Learn 243 00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:07,560 Speaker 1: to say yes only when your whole self agrees, because 244 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:12,960 Speaker 1: every fake yes is a quiet betrayal, and every honest 245 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:18,360 Speaker 1: no is an act of respect for you and for them. 246 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,359 Speaker 1: Lesser Number three that I've learned in the last twelve 247 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:26,760 Speaker 1: months is your attention is your real bank account. I 248 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,600 Speaker 1: noticed a few years ago how when I started using TikTok, 249 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,120 Speaker 1: my attention started to diminish, and it took a lot 250 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:36,439 Speaker 1: of effort to bring it back. I was someone who 251 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,920 Speaker 1: loved reading books. I was someone who loved getting into 252 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,840 Speaker 1: deep journals and articles, and all of a sudden, I 253 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:47,359 Speaker 1: saw myself looking for eight seconds of joy, entertainment, and 254 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:51,280 Speaker 1: speed of consumption, and I started to realize, my attention 255 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: is my real bank account. Because what makes or breaks 256 00:17:55,560 --> 00:18:01,680 Speaker 1: your life is where you spend your attention. Cognitive psychology 257 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 1: calls this attentional control, and it predicts success better than 258 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:12,199 Speaker 1: IQ think about it. Billionaires go bankrupt, but someone who 259 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:17,320 Speaker 1: can direct their focus can rebuild. Your attention isn't just currency, 260 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:24,040 Speaker 1: its compound interest. Neuroscientists call our attention a limited resource. 261 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:29,480 Speaker 1: Every time you focus, you spend mental energy. Like money, 262 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:34,040 Speaker 1: you can invest it, waste it, or lose it. Unlike money, 263 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,719 Speaker 1: you can never get it back. Psychologists have found that 264 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:42,399 Speaker 1: people who learn to direct their attention intentionally, what they read, 265 00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:46,480 Speaker 1: what they notice, who they give time to predict life 266 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:52,600 Speaker 1: satisfaction more than income or IQ. Stop wasting your attention 267 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:58,480 Speaker 1: on people who don't value yours. Stop wasting your attention 268 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:04,679 Speaker 1: on problem you can't control. Stop wasting your attention on 269 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:11,320 Speaker 1: scrolling through strangers' lives. Stop wasting your attention. It is 270 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:16,439 Speaker 1: your greatest wealth. When I think about my attention, I 271 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,359 Speaker 1: think about it like my back balance. There's only a 272 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,120 Speaker 1: limited amount you have to spend. How are you going 273 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,119 Speaker 1: to use it? How are you going to direct it? 274 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,480 Speaker 1: How are you going to focus it? How are you 275 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:33,439 Speaker 1: going to allow yourself to not be consumed by unnecessary things. 276 00:19:34,359 --> 00:19:37,400 Speaker 1: Let's say someone did something really bad to you. Let's 277 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 1: say someone wronged you. How much time do I want 278 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:45,959 Speaker 1: to waste trying to solve that? How much energy do 279 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:50,080 Speaker 1: I want to spend trying to get an apology? How 280 00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,640 Speaker 1: much time am I willing to give away and never 281 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,160 Speaker 1: get back hoping that person will realize what they did 282 00:19:57,240 --> 00:20:02,600 Speaker 1: was wrong. We waste hours, days, weeks of our life 283 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:06,760 Speaker 1: on things that won't make a difference. The next time 284 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 1: you're upset by something, ask yourself, do I really care? 285 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,760 Speaker 1: Even if I get the result I want, will it 286 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:18,600 Speaker 1: really matter? Or is there a better use of my time? 287 00:20:19,280 --> 00:20:22,560 Speaker 1: Is there a better use of my energy? Before we continue, 288 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,359 Speaker 1: let's take a quick breather and listen to some of 289 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: our sponsors. Hey, it's Jay Shedy and I'm so excited 290 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:34,640 Speaker 1: to share We're launching a brand new subscription on Apple Podcasts. 291 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,679 Speaker 1: That means if you want more on purpose, more inspiration, 292 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,800 Speaker 1: more tools, more depth, you now have the option to 293 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:46,639 Speaker 1: subscribe and unlock bonus content from our incredible guests. And 294 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,640 Speaker 1: don't worry, the main show is still free for everyone. 295 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,080 Speaker 1: But if you're someone who wants to go even deeper 296 00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,320 Speaker 1: and support the show, this is for you. Just hit 297 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,800 Speaker 1: Try free on Apple Podcasts and join our growing community 298 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:03,040 Speaker 1: of purpose driven listeners. I can't wait for you to 299 00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: check it out. Welcome back. Now, let's continue this incredible conversation. 300 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:16,360 Speaker 1: Lesson number four is that achievement without alignment feels like failure. 301 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:22,600 Speaker 1: We think success guarantees fulfillment, but psychology shows when your 302 00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:27,520 Speaker 1: achievements don't match your values, they feel hollow. That's why 303 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:31,719 Speaker 1: people hit milestones, the promotion, the house, the wedding, and 304 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 1: feel emptier than ever. It's not that the house, the wedding, 305 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,600 Speaker 1: or the milestone wasn't important. It's that did you connect 306 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:43,880 Speaker 1: it to your values. Success without alignment isn't success. When 307 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: actions and values don't match, the brain experiences internal conflict. 308 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 1: For example, I value family, but I spend all my 309 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:59,439 Speaker 1: time at work. I value creativity, but my role only 310 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:06,719 Speaker 1: rewards efficiency. This dissonance, this distance, creates stress, anxiety, and 311 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,359 Speaker 1: eventually burn out, even in successful people. This is what 312 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,720 Speaker 1: I've learned this year that really blew my mind. I 313 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: want you to remember this. You'll become successful by what 314 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:25,240 Speaker 1: you get. You'll become happy by what you lose. When 315 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:32,359 Speaker 1: you get a new job, a promotion, a new level, 316 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:37,800 Speaker 1: you'll feel successful, but you'll only feel happy when you lose. 317 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 1: When you lose envy, when you lose ego, when you 318 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:47,200 Speaker 1: lose greed. It's when we lose that we become happy. 319 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,840 Speaker 1: Because for years I used to hear people say money 320 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,280 Speaker 1: doesn't buy happiness, and I used to think to myself, well, 321 00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,359 Speaker 1: it's really easy, because the people who often say that 322 00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:58,880 Speaker 1: are the ones with money, and so that didn't make 323 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,680 Speaker 1: sense to me. And also I saw people with money 324 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,119 Speaker 1: who are happy. I saw people without money who are happy. 325 00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,760 Speaker 1: So I said, Okay, well that doesn't make sense either, 326 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,280 Speaker 1: So what was it? What I saw is that it 327 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:14,560 Speaker 1: didn't matter what you did have or didn't have in 328 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:18,680 Speaker 1: terms of things, in terms of success, but it did 329 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:22,560 Speaker 1: matter what you did or didn't have internally. So if 330 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 1: you had money but you had envy, you were unhappy. 331 00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,480 Speaker 1: And if you had money but you didn't have envy, 332 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,760 Speaker 1: you could be happy. It was the lack of envy 333 00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: and the lack of ego that guaranteed happiness no matter 334 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,120 Speaker 1: what position you were in, because those were the two 335 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:46,720 Speaker 1: traits that pushed away love and relationships. If you're egotistical, 336 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,919 Speaker 1: you turn people off because now they don't want to 337 00:23:49,920 --> 00:23:53,240 Speaker 1: be around you. And if you're envious, you get turned 338 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,680 Speaker 1: off by people that you don't want to be around. 339 00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:00,000 Speaker 1: When you have arrogance and ego and bravado, you push 340 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:03,400 Speaker 1: people away. When you have envy, you do the same thing. 341 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,480 Speaker 1: You can't be friends with someone you're envy asarv and 342 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,160 Speaker 1: no one wants to be friends with you. When you're 343 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:13,520 Speaker 1: an egotistical, you lose the most valuable part of human life, 344 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: which is human connection and relationships. When these two qualities 345 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,840 Speaker 1: take over your life as much as we're working on 346 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:25,080 Speaker 1: what we get, we have to work on what we 347 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:31,320 Speaker 1: want to lose. Mastering ego and mastering envy are a 348 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:35,639 Speaker 1: daily practice. They're a daily habit. You will be so 349 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:39,879 Speaker 1: much happier if you reduce your envy. You'll be so 350 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 1: much happier if you reduce your ego. Not just increase 351 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,400 Speaker 1: your output, not just increase your productivity, not just increase 352 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,360 Speaker 1: your efficiency. I promise you give attention to that part 353 00:24:51,359 --> 00:24:53,720 Speaker 1: of your life. I focus on that part of my 354 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,600 Speaker 1: life a lot. I call it the seeds and weeds. 355 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,439 Speaker 1: I think about envy and ego like weeds in the 356 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: garden life that I have to uproot, that I have 357 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,960 Speaker 1: to take out, that have to purify, and you feel 358 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:11,119 Speaker 1: so much better for it. Lesson number five. The people 359 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:16,800 Speaker 1: who frustrate you teach you the most about you. Annoyances 360 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:23,000 Speaker 1: aren't random. Psychologists call it projective identification. The traits we 361 00:25:23,119 --> 00:25:28,600 Speaker 1: can't stand in others often mirrors parts of ourselves. We 362 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:34,400 Speaker 1: haven't accepted that controlling boss. Maybe it reflects your own 363 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:39,719 Speaker 1: fear of letting go. People are mirrors, not just irritants. 364 00:25:40,119 --> 00:25:42,240 Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that they don't have that problem. And 365 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: what you're seeing isn't real, it's that you may have 366 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:52,719 Speaker 1: it too. Your triggers are your teachers. Your jealousy is 367 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 1: your guide, Your anger is your mirror. Your irritation shows 368 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:06,560 Speaker 1: you your wounds. Your defensiveness reveals your fear. Your impatience 369 00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:15,359 Speaker 1: exposes your expectations. Your sadness highlights your values. Every reaction 370 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: is a revelation, Every trigger is a teacher. Life will 371 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:28,000 Speaker 1: keep sending you the same lesson until you learn from it. 372 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:36,040 Speaker 1: Lesser number six, Kindness is remembered longer than achievement. Ask 373 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 1: people about their mentors or loved ones, and they rarely 374 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:43,480 Speaker 1: recall accomplishments. I doubt you end up at a funeral 375 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,560 Speaker 1: and hear about someone's accomplishments. I doubt you end up 376 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 1: at a seventieth birthday and hear about someone's accomplishments. I 377 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,400 Speaker 1: was actually just at a dear family friend's seventieth birthday 378 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:58,320 Speaker 1: a couple of weeks ago. No one talked about his achievements, 379 00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:04,440 Speaker 1: and he has plenty. They recalled moments of kindness, They 380 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:12,240 Speaker 1: recalled moments of genuine sincere connection. Behavioral science shows emotional 381 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:19,400 Speaker 1: memory outlast factual memory. People forget what you achieved. They 382 00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: don't forget how affectionate you were. People will remember when 383 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:29,879 Speaker 1: you were kind. People will remember when you were caring. 384 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,760 Speaker 1: People will remember when you listened without rushing them. People 385 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:39,560 Speaker 1: will remember when you showed up when no one else did. 386 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:44,760 Speaker 1: People will remember when you forgave them at their lowest. 387 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,880 Speaker 1: People will remember when you believed in them before anyone 388 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:54,640 Speaker 1: else did. People will remember when you stayed calm while 389 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 1: they fell apart. People will remember when you gave them 390 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:05,200 Speaker 1: dignity instead of judgment. They may forget your wins, they 391 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:09,160 Speaker 1: may forget your work, but they won't forget your energy. 392 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:13,119 Speaker 1: And even if they do forget all of those things, 393 00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:17,360 Speaker 1: there'll be one that remembers, and the most important thing. 394 00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:22,879 Speaker 1: You will have lived a clean, energetic life. We don't 395 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:25,479 Speaker 1: do those things to be remembered for those things. We 396 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,760 Speaker 1: do those things so that we can go to sleep peacefully. 397 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:32,240 Speaker 1: You clean your energy internally so that you can live 398 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 1: in a clean place. Right. You don't clean your home 399 00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,399 Speaker 1: just because people are coming over. You clean it so 400 00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,080 Speaker 1: that you can live in a clean home. You don't 401 00:28:40,080 --> 00:28:43,240 Speaker 1: clean your mind for everyone else. You do it because 402 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,400 Speaker 1: you want to live in a clean place. It's a 403 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:51,520 Speaker 1: huge one, less than number seven. People change more from 404 00:28:51,560 --> 00:28:57,760 Speaker 1: being understood than being corrected. We think people need better arguments. 405 00:28:58,440 --> 00:29:04,360 Speaker 1: In truth, people need better listeners. Studies on motivational interviewing 406 00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:08,920 Speaker 1: show people change when they feel heard, not when they're lectured. 407 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:16,600 Speaker 1: Understanding opens the door that correction keeps locked. Sometimes the 408 00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:20,760 Speaker 1: best people get the worst of us, and the worst 409 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:26,000 Speaker 1: people get the best of us. The kindest people get 410 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:31,200 Speaker 1: our pain, and the meanest people get our joy. The 411 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:34,480 Speaker 1: real ones get our silence, and the fake ones get 412 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:39,160 Speaker 1: our performance. The loyal ones get our doubts and the 413 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:43,240 Speaker 1: disloyal ones get our trust. The ones who stay get 414 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:47,040 Speaker 1: our frustration, and the ones who leave get our patients. 415 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:52,160 Speaker 1: We give our apologies to strangers and our harshest words 416 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,000 Speaker 1: to the one's closest. We hide our tenderness from the 417 00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:59,880 Speaker 1: safe ones and hand out our smiles to the ones 418 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:05,360 Speaker 1: hurt us. That's the tragedy of human behavior. We misplace 419 00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:10,560 Speaker 1: our best energy. What I've realized is that we all 420 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:13,800 Speaker 1: lecture the people closest to us. We think if we 421 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:15,880 Speaker 1: tell them what to do, they'll finally get it right. 422 00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,520 Speaker 1: The reality is people are looking to be validated, heard, 423 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:24,360 Speaker 1: and seen. You may say I know what they're going through. 424 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,560 Speaker 1: But have you ever asked them? Have you ever talked 425 00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:29,719 Speaker 1: to your partner and just said, I want to hear 426 00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:33,000 Speaker 1: from your side how this feels. I want to know 427 00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:36,680 Speaker 1: why it is that you keep struggling with this. Not 428 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:39,120 Speaker 1: in a demanding way, in a curious way, in a 429 00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:43,840 Speaker 1: genuine way. Remember, people change more from being understood than 430 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:49,960 Speaker 1: being corrected. People change more from being loved than from 431 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 1: being hated. People change more from being validated, then pushed 432 00:30:57,200 --> 00:31:02,959 Speaker 1: and judged lesser. Number eight. This one blew my mind, 433 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,040 Speaker 1: and it's from one of my favorite authors of all time. 434 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:12,520 Speaker 1: We remember endings more than middles. It sounds obvious, but 435 00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 1: stay with me for how it applies to life. Psychologist 436 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:20,960 Speaker 1: Daniel Karneman has a rule called his peak end rule, 437 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:25,400 Speaker 1: and it shows that we judge experiences not by how 438 00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:29,640 Speaker 1: long they lasted, but by the peak moment and the 439 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:34,640 Speaker 1: ending moment. That's why a single kind goodbye or one 440 00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:39,840 Speaker 1: cruel exit defines the whole relationship in our memory. The 441 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:44,000 Speaker 1: peak and rule is a psychological principle discovered by Nobel 442 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:49,240 Speaker 1: Prize winning psychologist Daniel Karnoman and his colleague Amos Twevsky. 443 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:53,880 Speaker 1: It says we don't judge an experience by its average 444 00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:58,560 Speaker 1: or total duration. We judge it by two moments. One 445 00:31:58,640 --> 00:32:02,160 Speaker 1: the peak, the most intense spot, whether good or bad, 446 00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:07,400 Speaker 1: and number two the end. How the experience concluded. Everything 447 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:12,040 Speaker 1: else fades into the background. So Carnaman did a famous 448 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:16,640 Speaker 1: cold water experiment that proved this. Participants put their hand 449 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:21,800 Speaker 1: in painfully cold water for sixty seconds. In a second trial, 450 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:25,560 Speaker 1: they put their hand in cold water for ninety seconds, 451 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:29,240 Speaker 1: but in the last thirty seconds the water was made 452 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:34,560 Speaker 1: slightly warmer. It was still cold but a little less painful. Logically, 453 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:38,000 Speaker 1: the second trial should be worse ninety seconds of pain 454 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:42,880 Speaker 1: instead of sixty, but most people preferred the longer trial 455 00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:47,640 Speaker 1: because the ending was less painful. The brain didn't remember 456 00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:51,520 Speaker 1: the full timeline. It remembered the peak and the end. 457 00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:54,360 Speaker 1: Now what does this mean for us in our life 458 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:59,080 Speaker 1: and our relationships? One cruel goodbye can overshadow years of love. 459 00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,800 Speaker 1: I'm sure there's someone that you loved on that you 460 00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:04,840 Speaker 1: cared about, that you did so much for, But because 461 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:07,400 Speaker 1: you didn't end on good terms, they hate you right 462 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,760 Speaker 1: because you didn't end on good terms. They talk bad 463 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,920 Speaker 1: about you because you didn't end on good terms. They 464 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:16,800 Speaker 1: say hurtful things about you to everyone else. Right, I'm 465 00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:19,800 Speaker 1: sure you can relate, and one kind act at the 466 00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:24,280 Speaker 1: end of someone's life can heal decades of distance. We 467 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:28,320 Speaker 1: don't carry the full record. We carry the peak and 468 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:31,920 Speaker 1: the ending. Now, how does this apply to work? People 469 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:36,080 Speaker 1: rarely remember the dozens of average meetings. They remember the 470 00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:40,360 Speaker 1: one inspiring keynote and how they felt when they left 471 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:45,840 Speaker 1: the company. And what about daily experiences, whether it's vacations, weddings, concerts, 472 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:51,280 Speaker 1: People remember the highlight moment and the final moments. A 473 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 1: bad flight home can sour the whole vacation. We think 474 00:33:56,560 --> 00:34:02,040 Speaker 1: life is measured in hours and days, but memory measures 475 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:09,479 Speaker 1: life in moments and endings. End things well. Always leave 476 00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:14,560 Speaker 1: people and places better and happier than you find them. 477 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:20,040 Speaker 1: Don't let things end on a bad note. Number two. 478 00:34:20,520 --> 00:34:26,760 Speaker 1: Design peaks don't aim to make everything perfect. Create intentional moments, 479 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:32,480 Speaker 1: a surprise note and unexpected thank you, one unforgettable experience. 480 00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:39,680 Speaker 1: Peaks matter more than perfection. Number three. Manage endings in conflict. 481 00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:44,120 Speaker 1: Even if a conversation is hard, end it with respect. 482 00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:49,160 Speaker 1: Simply by saying I care about you even if we disagree. 483 00:34:49,840 --> 00:34:54,839 Speaker 1: Can change how the entire interaction is remembered. So there 484 00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:58,480 Speaker 1: you have it. Those are the lessons that I have 485 00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:03,160 Speaker 1: learned in the last twelve months. And as every important 486 00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:07,720 Speaker 1: teacher has said before, you repeat what you don't repair. 487 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:14,000 Speaker 1: You repeat what you don't reflect on. You repeat what 488 00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: you don't release, You repeat what you don't reveal, You 489 00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:24,640 Speaker 1: repeat what you don't reframe, You repeat what you don't 490 00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:29,719 Speaker 1: respect in yourself, and you repeat what you don't take 491 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:37,320 Speaker 1: responsibility for. Patterns don't disappear with time, They disappear with work. 492 00:35:38,239 --> 00:35:42,120 Speaker 1: So I hope you always remember to try and do that. 493 00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,279 Speaker 1: On your birthday, take a moment to do I hope these 494 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:47,920 Speaker 1: have helped. Thank you so much for listening and watching. 495 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,880 Speaker 1: Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting 496 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,520 Speaker 1: for you. If you love this podcast, you love my 497 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:57,760 Speaker 1: episode with Lewis Hamilton. Lewis and I talk about why 498 00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:02,560 Speaker 1: you should stop chasing societies definition of success and how 499 00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:05,680 Speaker 1: to be more intentional with your goals. You don't want 500 00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:07,839 Speaker 1: to miss it like. It's not about being perfect. It's 501 00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,080 Speaker 1: about just every day, one step at a time, trying 502 00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,880 Speaker 1: to be better, trying to do more. I'm learning a 503 00:36:11,960 --> 00:36:14,920 Speaker 1: lot about myself I have to break myself down in 504 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:16,360 Speaker 1: order to be able to be better