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Speaker 1: Trigger warning.

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Speaker 2: This episode includes discussions around sexual assault, abortion, and trauma.

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Speaker 1: Listener discretion is advice. Welcome back, y'all to.

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Speaker 2: Another bonus episode over here on selective ignorance. In this

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Speaker 2: bonus episode, we are delving deep into a powerful and

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Speaker 2: sometimes uncomfortable truth, the consequences of sex. And this is

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Speaker 2: stemming from the pain portion in the No Holds Barred,

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Speaker 2: a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power book now

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Speaker 2: in New York Times bestseller. And while pleasure can be beautiful, transformative,

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Speaker 2: and even liberating for many.

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Speaker 1: Of us, it doesn't always come without a cost.

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Speaker 2: Sometimes pleasure intertwines with pain, consequences, and unforeseen circumstances that

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Speaker 2: challenge us profoundly. In this episode, we're honoring my stories

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Speaker 2: in the book, as well as other stories from women

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Speaker 2: of all walks of life who experience those growing pains

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Speaker 2: they hid in bruises and invisible scars left by choices, circumstances,

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Speaker 2: and actions beyond their control. From navigating complex emotions surrounding consent,

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Speaker 2: to confronting trauma from sexual assault, and grappling with the

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Speaker 2: difficult decisions and emotions surrounding abortion, this is a space

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Speaker 2: where truth is met with compassion and strength. Healing isn't linear.

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Speaker 2: It's messy, it's painful, and it's deeply personal. Yet in

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Speaker 2: that very pain lies resilience. On this episode, we'll explore

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Speaker 2: the empowering journey of unlearning shame, of forgiving yourself for

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Speaker 2: decisions you've made or did it make, and perhaps hardest

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Speaker 2: of all, forgiving those who cost harm. This episode isn't

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Speaker 2: just about acknowledging trauma. It's about illuminating the path toward healing,

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Speaker 2: reclaiming your story, and finding empowerment in your vulnerability, because ultimately,

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Speaker 2: there's power in facing the consequences, embracing the pain alongside

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Speaker 2: the pleasure, and emerging stronger, wiser, and more whole. Let's

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Speaker 2: step into this conversation together, gently and bravely. This is

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Speaker 2: the second part of Maybe Bee's book club for No

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Speaker 2: Holds Barred, a dual manifesto, a sexual exploration of power

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Speaker 2: the New York Times bestseller I'm really excited. I guess

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Speaker 2: trigger warning at the top. Here we are going to

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Speaker 2: be getting into the pain portion of the book, where

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Speaker 2: those chapters are called Can I Put Your Penis in

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Speaker 2: a Cage? Which I'm glad we're starting there. That's gonna

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Speaker 2: be kind of my BDSM chapter mixed with what community

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Speaker 2: has looked like for me. It's a little bit for me,

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Speaker 2: my love my love letter to New York. And so

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Speaker 2: I'll get into that a little bit and then and

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Speaker 2: it's followed by why don't they just call it a vacuum?

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Speaker 1: That is.

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Speaker 2: That is the chapter around abortion, which to me was

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Speaker 2: a chapter that was always going to be put into

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Speaker 2: this book.

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Speaker 1: And we'll talk about that, and then we're gonna get

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Speaker 1: into well, what were you wearing?

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Speaker 2: This is a chapter that includes a story that you

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Speaker 2: guys clearly know from the podcast, another thing that I

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Speaker 2: learned from having the podcast, and then also an incident

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Speaker 2: that I've never shared on the pod that brought this

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Speaker 2: chapter to me full circle in the strangest of ways

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Speaker 2: that literally made me cry that I had to have

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Speaker 2: therapy about. So I'm gonna get into that chapter as well.

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Speaker 2: But first we're not gonna start off so dark. First

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Speaker 2: we're gonna get into can I Put your Penis in

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Speaker 2: a cage?

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Speaker 1: And that chapter really is about the three times I.

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Speaker 2: Went to a sex dungeon and experienced three different ways

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Speaker 2: of the art around pleasure.

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Speaker 1: The art of sex.

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Speaker 2: And the funny thing about this is this chapter completely

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Speaker 2: changed because this full chapter, I don't know if you

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Speaker 2: guys remember from our last book club portion when we

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Speaker 2: first started writing the book and when we did the

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Speaker 2: proposal for the book, I was still with soulmate, I

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Speaker 2: was with my ex, and so this chapter was supposed

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Speaker 2: to be literally in the progression portion of the book,

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Speaker 2: and it was going to be about finally trust, like

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Speaker 2: trusting a partner, letting my guard down, and the whole

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Speaker 2: chapter was really supposed to be about the one time

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Speaker 2: that I put his peanut in a cage and we

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Speaker 2: found trust and it ignited our relationship in a way,

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Speaker 2: and Bitch, clearly, by the time we really got to

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Speaker 2: write in a book, we broke up. And I was like,

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Speaker 2: I actually had a traumatic moment about this specific chapter

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Speaker 2: because and I'm gonna try to see if I could

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Speaker 2: also find the therapy session around it, because I recorded

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Speaker 2: my therapy.

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Speaker 1: But this specific chapter was supposed to be this eye.

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Speaker 2: Opening way of forming a bond with a person, letting

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Speaker 2: guards down, open up, opening up to allow each other

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Speaker 2: to trust each other more. And so because of what

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Speaker 2: the chapter was supposed to be and where we kind

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Speaker 2: of ended up in our relationship. I just remember having

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Speaker 2: to go to therapy and be like, this was such

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Speaker 2: an amazing night, and I can't enjoy it because that

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Speaker 2: nigga was a betraying as cheating as fuck ass nigga,

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Speaker 2: And so a part of me was like, how do

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Speaker 2: I remember the beauty of this moment even though it's

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Speaker 2: attached to someone who went against what that moment.

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Speaker 1: Was supposed to be.

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Speaker 2: So the moment was supposed to be about actually trusting somebody, Bruh,

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Speaker 2: he was cheating. It was supposed to be about like

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Speaker 2: opening up about our boundaries and the things that we

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Speaker 2: were scared to do, but that we allowed each other

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Speaker 2: to do. Electro play bitch. I always thought that was

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Speaker 2: some white people shit, and I was.

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Speaker 1: Like, nigga, you ain't. I don't want no electricity near me.

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Speaker 2: It was funny because on our way there, we talked

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Speaker 2: about things we wouldn't do, like what we didn't feel

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Speaker 2: safe doing, what we weren't interested in doing.

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Speaker 1: And literally, while we.

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Speaker 2: Sat there with Troy is when we both decided to

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Speaker 2: experience the things that we the two things that we

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Speaker 2: both said we weren't comfortable doing, but with each other,

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Speaker 2: and so this chapter was supposed to be this magical moment,

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Speaker 2: and I couldn't write about it in that way.

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Speaker 1: It was like there was a whole block about it.

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Speaker 2: And so when we broke up and we revisited this

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Speaker 2: chapter still being in there, I was talking to Tempest

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Speaker 2: and I was telling her about the different.

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Speaker 1: Times I went to a dungeon because I was like, well,

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Speaker 1: we know we want BDSM here.

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Speaker 2: And as I was talking about it, like I told her,

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Speaker 2: I said, the first time I went with King Noir

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Speaker 2: and I got to see him learn how to flog

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Speaker 2: and how to pleasure someone in a painful way but

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Speaker 2: in a respectful way, and know the boundaries and what

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Speaker 2: would hurt for good sensation not bad sensation. Then literally

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Speaker 2: the next time it was during a fucking block tech

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Speaker 2: weekend where I got to sit with strangers and we

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Speaker 2: all opened up about our sexual experiences.

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Speaker 1: Then it was literally with my ex.

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Speaker 2: And so as I'm talking about the tempence is just like,

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Speaker 2: what the fuck, let's write about all three moments because

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Speaker 2: they're all so different. And then I was just also

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Speaker 2: wanting to lean into the fact that probably none of

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Speaker 2: y'all bitches yes be jealous.

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Speaker 1: Can say y'all been to a dungeon three different times

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Speaker 1: and experience it.

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Speaker 2: Okay, maybe Jasmine, but there's not many people that can

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Speaker 2: say they've they have a friend who teaches porn stars

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Speaker 2: how to do impact play.

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Speaker 1: And so as I'm talking about the moments in this.

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Speaker 2: Space that were so beautiful to me, which you guys,

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Speaker 2: if you got the masterclass, you got to actually see it.

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Speaker 1: For me, this chapter became about my.

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Speaker 2: Privilege of experiencing this lifestyle quote unquote, because I'm in

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Speaker 2: New York. I don't think I meet this space of people,

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Speaker 2: not only without New York, but without horrible decisions. I

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Speaker 2: don't think me and King Noir have a friendship if

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Speaker 2: it's not for horrible decisions. And then I don't get

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Speaker 2: to meet Troy, who has gone far beyond just someone

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Speaker 2: who happens to own a dungeon, like we go and

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Speaker 2: eat sushi together. She's actually been to the Nude Beach

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Speaker 2: with me and my ex. So she's been a part

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Speaker 2: of like my personal life in ways. And this chapter

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Speaker 2: to me was important because if we're talking about almost

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Speaker 2: the consequence of pleasure, pain seems to be one that's inevitable, right,

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Speaker 2: whether it's heartbreak, whether it's a big old dick stretching

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Speaker 2: me out, whether it's you know, an abortion or whatever.

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Speaker 2: And so for both Weezy and I, it was important

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Speaker 2: to put the pleasures of pain in the pain section

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Speaker 2: as well, which is why we both had a BDSM chapter.

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Speaker 2: I would like to open it up specifically for this

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Speaker 2: chapter to know if you had any questions. Again, if

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Speaker 2: any of you guys got to go through the master

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Speaker 2: course and see and see Troy and see the space,

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Speaker 2: if it helped you guys envision with this chapter looked

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Speaker 2: like if I did a good job describing it, because

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Speaker 2: again I think we have this idea of what a

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Speaker 2: dungeon looks like, and to me, yes, with the right lights,

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Speaker 2: you can set the mood, but it's still just a

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Speaker 2: room with all of these toys, and it's literally toys,

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Speaker 2: but like the toys.

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Speaker 1: That have your jaw on the ground.

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Speaker 2: But then also get you really really excited, like a

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Speaker 2: fucking kid in a candy store.

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Speaker 1: So for me, this chapter ended up being easy.

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Speaker 2: This was one of the last towards the end that

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Speaker 2: I ended up writing again because I was like, I

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Speaker 2: don't want to talk about a good moment with my

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Speaker 2: axe he broke my heart, but I found a way

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Speaker 2: to take the joy of that moment and put it

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Speaker 2: into the book. By the way, I do want to ask,

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Speaker 2: just because I called her out, Jasmine.

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Speaker 1: What what like? What has been your experience in a dungeon? Like?

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Speaker 2: And I know you haven't read the book yet, but

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Speaker 2: I do want to know, like you're if you have

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Speaker 2: good experiences from like a psychological aspect of being in

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Speaker 2: a dungeon, Like, damn, I'm in a dungeon.

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Speaker 1: And I know many.

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Speaker 2: People aren't able to do this, And maybe you ain't

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Speaker 2: been in a dungeon, bitch, I just feel like you have.

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Speaker 3: Though I have been in at least three dungeons, right, okay,

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Speaker 3: And I always feel like being in that environment you

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Speaker 3: feel safer, more accepting. Everybody kind of is into the

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Speaker 3: same thing or at least similar things, where you know,

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Speaker 3: it feels like non judgmental, any sort of play, any

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Speaker 3: sort of things that might seem weird to like vanilla

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Speaker 3: people or people who aren't as able to explore you know,

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Speaker 3: it's it's more accepting. It it's easier to trust. Yeah.

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Speaker 3: For example, like when you had the party for the

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Speaker 3: last live show in La and Oh, go ahead to

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Speaker 3: share a gear, and Sir Marvelous blindfolded me. That was

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Speaker 3: the first time I'd been blindfolded since I was stealth

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Speaker 3: Wait seriously, yeah, because you know in the environment you

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Speaker 3: feel comfortable that, like I know that nothing bad is

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Speaker 3: going to happen because I'm in the good hands of

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Speaker 3: sort of Marvelous and I'm in this environment with whoores

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Speaker 3: you watched me?

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Speaker 4: Like?

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Speaker 5: Thanks?

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Speaker 1: And did I was there? Yeah, there was a show

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Speaker 1: being put on.

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Speaker 2: I do want to ask you, if you don't mind,

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Speaker 2: And the last chapter, of course, I include my stealthy experience,

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Speaker 2: which we'll get into, but I do want to ask

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Speaker 2: you what was the conversation with you and Sir Marvelous.

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Speaker 1: Was he aware that.

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Speaker 2: That blindfold moment for you included a traumatic past experience

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Speaker 2: and how how were you able to did you share

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Speaker 2: that or did you not?

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Speaker 1: Like? What was that conversation? Like I did briefly tell him.

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Speaker 3: I was like, oh, He's like are you comfortable?

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Speaker 1: He asked, like every step of the way, are you

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Speaker 1: comfortable with this? Are you comfortable with this?

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Speaker 3: He would even like, uh, let put put the thing

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Speaker 3: that he was going to spank me with, like across

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Speaker 3: my body and like, is this the material that's comfortable?

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Speaker 3: So and he asked me, is like, I have a blindfold?

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Speaker 3: Can I put it on you? And I let him

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Speaker 3: know I have not used a blindfold in years because

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Speaker 3: I was violated, but I trust you, so you may.

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Speaker 6: Wow.

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Speaker 1: Wow, Okay. Shout out to Sir Marvelous.

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Speaker 2: I'm excited because he's going to be on the Jamaica

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Speaker 2: trip with me Choco Bliss in Jamaica, and I think

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Speaker 2: I'm going to try to get into the position that

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Speaker 2: Jasmine was at at this very party because it just

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Speaker 2: was great.

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Speaker 1: And Jasmin, thanks for the show, and thanks for like also.

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Speaker 2: Being open to being a in a public environment like

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Speaker 2: that and experience something that does bring.

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Speaker 1: Possibly flashbacks.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I think that that's why I didn't like

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Speaker 2: the pillowcase over my head like with my ex, and

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Speaker 2: I shared that on the pod, but blindfolding is kind

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Speaker 2: of like a no note for me now too because

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Speaker 2: of that experience.

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Speaker 1: But thank you.

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Speaker 2: And then I did want to also add, if you

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Speaker 2: guys haven't gone back into the archive of horrible decisions,

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Speaker 2: I did also end up getting able to experience a

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Speaker 2: dungeon in Orlando, and at that dungeon. I did electro

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Speaker 2: play again and got suspended, so I got Shabari suspended,

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Speaker 2: and then they did the electro play on my skin

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Speaker 2: on the outside, so I got I was getting zapped,

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Speaker 2: and so yeah, only in a dungeon do I feel like,

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Speaker 2: I don't know if I want anyone to deal with

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Speaker 2: electro play outside of a dungeon. For me, again, I

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Speaker 2: guess it brings the safety about it, like and clearly

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Speaker 2: you're dealing.

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Speaker 1: With quote unquote professionals.

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Speaker 2: I also feel like, now after going to dungeons, I

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Speaker 2: would love to know how these guys do this in

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Speaker 2: a regular bedroom setting, Like do they just pull out

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Speaker 2: these fucking chords and shit like even Shabari, Like when

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Speaker 2: I think of kink stuff, because I've now got to

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Speaker 2: partake in it in such non conventional environments. For me now,

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Speaker 2: I'm so confused that how these things get brought about,

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Speaker 2: Just like I can't imagine my bedroom being like doing

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Speaker 2: some of these things, which is crazy, like no girl

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Speaker 2: gotta go to a sex fub, gotta go to a dungeon,

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Speaker 2: gotta go to Jamaica. Like it's crazy that I feel

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Speaker 2: like kink there's like a party around kink essentially, but

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Speaker 2: again I think I luckily got to experience that solely

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Speaker 2: because of New York. I will say that is what

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Speaker 2: was also kind of removed from this chapter at one point,

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Speaker 2: which I wish could have gone back into it.

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Speaker 1: Weezy had a whole love letter to New York.

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Speaker 2: And so it seemed like they were too similar, so

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Speaker 2: me talking about my love for New York got kind

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Speaker 2: of taken out of this chapter. Ironically, that entire chapter

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Speaker 2: of Wheezy's got canned, so her love letter chapter to

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Speaker 2: New York was removed from the book, which, in hindsight,

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Speaker 2: I wish once that got removed, I could have revisited

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Speaker 2: this chapter specifically to tie in more of the community

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Speaker 2: elements that I got to experience between Soussia, between like

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Speaker 2: being able to like meet people that are open and

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Speaker 2: swinging and Polly and going to the nude beach, there

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Speaker 2: were so many other more introductions to lifestyle and community

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Speaker 2: by living in New York that I don't think I

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Speaker 2: would have got to experience being in any other city.

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Speaker 2: And it's just unfortunate that it kind of like got

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Speaker 2: got a little bit removed from this and by the

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Speaker 2: time we chapter got canned, it was towards she had

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Speaker 2: two weeks to write new chapters, so I didn't. I

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Speaker 2: wasn't in a place to want to go in and

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Speaker 2: now get back into the process of chapters that I

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Speaker 2: had completed essentially. But if I could have added anything

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Speaker 2: more to this chapter, it would have been more of

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Speaker 2: a of a nod to New York in the environment

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Speaker 2: that it creates to allow you to explore your sexuality

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Speaker 2: like probably no other city except maybe The Bay. I

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Speaker 2: feel like The Bay is another city that really allows

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Speaker 2: people to live out out right in whatever sexuality, whatever label,

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Speaker 2: in whatever way they want. So yeah, okay, Jasmine, you

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Speaker 2: wrote something in the chat. Do you want to explain

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Speaker 2: that real quick too? She She just put this and

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Speaker 2: I would love to look it up. But the seven

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Speaker 2: mindfulness practices of lifestyle.

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Speaker 1: Is that lifestyle.

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Speaker 3: No, Actually it's from my depression therapy boot camps that

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Speaker 3: I'm in right now. But they're mindful steps. So it's

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Speaker 3: a mindfulness practice and each step non judging, patience, beginner's minds,

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Speaker 3: trust in yourself, non striving, acceptance, and letting go. If

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Speaker 3: you practice the mindfulness of what those foundations are like,

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Speaker 3: you can apply them to anything in your life, and

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Speaker 3: you know it.

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Speaker 1: Would be including sexuality. I think that.

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Speaker 3: The sexuality. Yeah, it's a it's a very good packet

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Speaker 3: that I'm working on.

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Speaker 2: Girl, I like that bag. You might need to send

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Speaker 2: that back and all. Now, speaking of packets, you get

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Speaker 2: packets from plant parenthood, and here we are. That's the

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Speaker 2: transit to the next goddamn chapter. The next chapter is

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Speaker 2: why don't they call it a vacuum? If any of

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Speaker 2: you guys have come to the bookstores or heard let

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Speaker 2: me talk about this with Tempest. This was my first

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Speaker 2: full chapter I wrote after my intro. I don't know

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Speaker 2: if you guys listen to the episode with Tempest, but

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Speaker 2: the writing process for this Out the Gate.

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Speaker 1: Was a little nerve wracking for me. Having left See

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Speaker 1: the Thing Is, I was it was leaving See the.

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Speaker 2: Thing Is, and having toured with Tonight's conversation, I was

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Speaker 2: very insecure with my ability to to speak honestly, being

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Speaker 2: on a stage with like Kitty and Trip and these

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Speaker 2: guys that speak so fucking eloquently well about a myriad

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Speaker 2: of topics, and and then sitting next to my co host,

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Speaker 2: I'll See the Thing Is. For the three years that

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Speaker 2: we did, she so eloquently could put things in a

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Speaker 2: sentence that when it got to really getting ready to

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Speaker 2: write this book, I wasn't confident at all with what

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Speaker 2: it would sound like.

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Speaker 1: So much so to wear I would be with Tempest.

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Speaker 1: We would record our meetings, and then from our recordings

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Speaker 1: she would go and try to write a chapter that

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Speaker 1: happened once we did it for my introduction. I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: find the introduction. It was terrible. I hated it. I

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Speaker 1: hated the cadence.

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Speaker 2: I literally went to Tempest and said, I fucking hate

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Speaker 2: this shit. And you know what she said, Well, you

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Speaker 2: said you wanted to sound like you boy, did it

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Speaker 2: sound nuts that shit?

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Speaker 1: I said, I don't want nobody reading this, oh ghetto

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Speaker 1: as rudimentary, terrible sound ass.

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Speaker 2: I said, the way that I write is not how

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Speaker 2: I talk. And so she said, so then you write

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Speaker 2: the introduction, you tell me, like, show me your style,

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Speaker 2: and so I did, and when I came back, it

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Speaker 2: made me so confident that this next chapter was literally

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Speaker 2: the very first.

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Speaker 1: One I wrote.

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Speaker 2: I wrote this chapter probably in two days when I

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Speaker 2: got to finally sit down and write it. Because while

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Speaker 2: I didn't have to really have too much therapy around

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Speaker 2: it because I don't regret my abortion at all.

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Speaker 1: Bitch I would have never bitch I would have had

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Speaker 1: a baby by a gang banger. There is no regret

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Speaker 1: at all when it comes to my decision to having

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Speaker 1: an abortion. However, literally seventeen years had not had the

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Speaker 1: conversation with my mom, so.

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Speaker 2: I may actually drop that on the Patreon. I did

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Speaker 2: an entire therapy session with my mom around the abortion,

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Speaker 2: and that's where she shared even the story of her

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Speaker 2: stepdad that I included in this chapter. So her first

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Speaker 2: abortion she didn't want, she actually wanted to keep the kids.

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Speaker 2: She was forced to have an abortion because she got

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Speaker 2: pregnant by a black guy and her stepdad made her

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Speaker 2: give it up, and just in a very cruel way.

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Speaker 2: And so when talking when preparing to write this chapter,

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Speaker 2: I felt it important to kind of call my mom

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Speaker 2: and like literally say, I know we haven't had this conversation,

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Speaker 2: but we should and if you don't mind him to

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Speaker 2: record it, and my therapist is going to be here.

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Speaker 2: And I think maybe Tempests was on as well, just

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Speaker 2: because Tempas needed to make notes for anything that she

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Speaker 2: thought we should include.

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Speaker 1: And it was a lot.

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Speaker 2: It was a lot to talk to my mom fully

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Speaker 2: about her abortion experience, her not being able to even afford.

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Speaker 1: The money at the time, and my dad and his

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Speaker 1: response immediately.

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Speaker 2: Mana said, uh, forgot, Did your mom not know you

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Speaker 2: had an abortion or you just didn't talk about her feelings?

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Speaker 1: No, she was with me for the abortion. She we

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Speaker 1: just never spoke about it.

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Speaker 2: A day later, like, literally, I I got the abortion.

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Speaker 2: I talk about the funny part too, where I couldn't

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Speaker 2: eat after the abortion. I felt like the abortion, maybe

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Speaker 2: not be able to eat and maybe it was just

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Speaker 2: like my internalized guilt. And so my mom gave me

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Speaker 2: fucking sugar pills, fucking placebo pills. Made it seem like

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Speaker 2: they was something she got from the hospital. It was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: here you go, these help with appetite, and bitch, never forget.

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Speaker 2: My first meal after my goddamn abortion was Arby's. Probably

400
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Speaker 2: the last time I also ate Arby's. We got roasty

401
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Speaker 2: fucking sandwiches.

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Speaker 1: Where's the meat, bitch, I shouldn't have been wanting the

403
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Speaker 1: goddamn meat after a goddamn abortion. Meat is what maybe

404
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Speaker 1: have a goddamn abortion. But the crazy part about that

405
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Speaker 1: is had the abortion got back to eating.

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Speaker 2: The following week, I was at volleyball practice. It was

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Speaker 2: started a school year, and I just got right back

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Speaker 2: into the flow of things.

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Speaker 1: Uh taught to you have your your hand raised.

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Speaker 7: Yes. So one, I love that your mom was just like, girl,

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Speaker 7: need a little something something that she got you to eat.

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Speaker 1: That was beautifully played.

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Speaker 7: On her end. Secondly, I know that you somewhat speak

414
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Speaker 7: of your sisters and the dynamics that you have with them,

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Speaker 7: But did you ever talk with them about the abortion

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Speaker 7: end or did your mom then go and talk with

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Speaker 7: them about anything?

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Speaker 1: Ooh, good question.

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Speaker 2: So at the time, my youngest sister was maybe ten,

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Speaker 2: so it wasn't a conversation with her.

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Speaker 1: Also a conversation.

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Speaker 2: We've never had today and she's now twenty eight, so

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Speaker 2: we have never had that conversation. And then me and

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Speaker 2: my other sister, we don't have a close relationship and

425
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Speaker 2: neither of them have ever had abortions. And the crazy

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Speaker 2: part about it is my sister, because of her her

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Speaker 2: health conditions, was told she would never really be able

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Speaker 2: to have a child to full term, and so there

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Speaker 2: was a conversation at one point where she couldn't even

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Speaker 2: connect to her baby for a certain amount of months,

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Speaker 2: and luckily she now has a healthy I got a

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Speaker 2: healthy ass, badass nephew.

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Speaker 1: But it was interesting because, yeah, we've never talked about

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Speaker 1: that experience with me.

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Speaker 2: Levette in the chat asked how long did you wait

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Speaker 2: to have sex? I think that was the part about

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Speaker 2: the chapter.

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Speaker 1: To me.

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Speaker 2: This pregnancy happened in my first year of fucking. I

440
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 2: was going into my eleventh grade year, so I was

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Speaker 2: maybe I think I was sixteen going into my eleventh

442
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,560
Speaker 2: grade year, which would have I turned seventeen senior year eighteenth,

443
00:27:54,560 --> 00:28:00,040
Speaker 2: So yeah, I was sixteen years old literally, and my

444
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 2: first year of fucking, spent the fucking summer with Wheezy's ass,

445
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:08,760
Speaker 2: went over and with some hot girls in Tampa, Florida, and.

446
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 1: Ended up pregnant. I think.

447
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:20,800
Speaker 2: I think for me, the idea around even though I

448
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,399
Speaker 2: was fucking at a young age, I was going to

449
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,760
Speaker 2: school on time, I had good grades. I literally, in

450
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,800
Speaker 2: my mind didn't think pregnancy would just happen to me

451
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 2: because I didn't think the universe would play in my

452
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,639
Speaker 2: face because I was doing everything else right, like like

453
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,680
Speaker 2: a dummy. That's probably why I don't believe in moons

454
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:40,240
Speaker 2: of stars. Now, if we really want to dig deep

455
00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 2: into it the whole tribe. Me bit y'all was doing

456
00:28:43,800 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 2: everything right. I was just getting some nuts or trying

457
00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:49,440
Speaker 2: to get nuts. I probably wasn't even really coming back then,

458
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:52,080
Speaker 2: if I really think about what sex felt like.

459
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,479
Speaker 1: But yeah, a big part of me felt like, well,

460
00:28:56,520 --> 00:28:57,480
Speaker 1: you're not gonna get pregnant.

461
00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,320
Speaker 2: That's not gonna happen to you. That happens to like

462
00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:03,840
Speaker 2: the fast bitches. And I didn't think I was having

463
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:05,520
Speaker 2: enough sex to be considered fast.

464
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: Like there was all these just bullshit ideas in my

465
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,160
Speaker 1: head around the time.

466
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 2: So yeah, ooh, I love it. Melle and Brittany have questions. Mellie,

467
00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,080
Speaker 2: you could go first.

468
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:21,280
Speaker 6: So I don't really have a question. I just wanted

469
00:29:21,320 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 6: to say. So, I haven't had an abortion, but I

470
00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:28,640
Speaker 6: was a teen mom and hearing how you told your

471
00:29:28,680 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 6: mom once because I was listening to it on the audible,

472
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:34,800
Speaker 6: and my heart just sunk the way you, you know,

473
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,720
Speaker 6: told your mom that you were pregnant, and then hearing

474
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 6: about how your mom had to get an abortion because

475
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,560
Speaker 6: her stepdad was racist. Well, I had the same experience,

476
00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 6: not having to have the abortion, but my stepdad because

477
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,400
Speaker 6: my stepdad's wife.

478
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,720
Speaker 7: So it was yeah, just hearing that it just like

479
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:54,600
Speaker 7: took me back to all that.

480
00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it.

481
00:29:57,040 --> 00:30:00,120
Speaker 2: What it brought forth for me as well is that

482
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:07,880
Speaker 2: after the initial emotions of I guess, anger, frustration, disappointment,

483
00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:12,239
Speaker 2: there were so many emotions around telling my mom. I

484
00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:14,680
Speaker 2: think her coming to me and really being like, you

485
00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:17,560
Speaker 2: sure you want to do this and me having to

486
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,600
Speaker 2: be like, there's nothing more sure in my mind because

487
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:25,640
Speaker 2: she didn't have really the option. In hindsight, I thought

488
00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 2: that was strong of her to do, and for me,

489
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 2: I was just like, no.

490
00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:32,520
Speaker 1: Bitch, I don't want this shit. Girl. Let's go. We

491
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:37,480
Speaker 1: go to the chap shop. Hope. I mean, okay, okay,

492
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,280
Speaker 1: y'all know, I gotta make a little joke out of

493
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,480
Speaker 1: this shit. It was dark, okay.

494
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:46,320
Speaker 2: I literally was crying doing the audiobook version of this chapter.

495
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:50,479
Speaker 2: So Mellie, you telling me too while you're listening to it,

496
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 2: that like you felt it to me is so much

497
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:58,720
Speaker 2: like and it means so much because this chapter did

498
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:01,360
Speaker 2: bring about the most and having to talk to my

499
00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:02,360
Speaker 2: friend Kita.

500
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:04,800
Speaker 1: Qita.

501
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:07,160
Speaker 2: If any of you guys were at the DC show,

502
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:10,040
Speaker 2: she pulled up. She actually helped me with my periods

503
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,560
Speaker 2: this campaign. We still talk It was hard to talk

504
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:15,360
Speaker 2: for her for a while because that whole moved to Korea,

505
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:16,200
Speaker 2: like who does that?

506
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,680
Speaker 1: But she moved to a career for some time.

507
00:31:18,720 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 2: Now she's back in the States, and for me talking

508
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:28,040
Speaker 2: to her as an adult, we cried. One night she

509
00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 2: came to New York. We went and got drinks and bitch,

510
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:33,960
Speaker 2: I think we got too drunk. But at that time,

511
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:37,920
Speaker 2: her dad had just passed, and so she was helping

512
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:41,600
Speaker 2: her mom keep afloat the house, and literally she knew

513
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,920
Speaker 2: my pride and she was just like, I can't believe

514
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:48,680
Speaker 2: you're asking me, And like our connection since then and

515
00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 2: even today and having to revisit what that moment meant

516
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:57,280
Speaker 2: and how she made that happen for me, like we'll

517
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,680
Speaker 2: never go without gratitude. But having the conversation with both

518
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:05,160
Speaker 2: of them was probably the hardest reality check while writing

519
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,360
Speaker 2: this book, because I had to really dig into how

520
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 2: my decisions impacted like two people I care about, my

521
00:32:12,560 --> 00:32:17,000
Speaker 2: friend and my mom. Brittany, you have either a question

522
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:18,440
Speaker 2: or something to add.

523
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:21,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, I actually had a question for you.

524
00:32:21,600 --> 00:32:23,640
Speaker 8: It's kind of a two folk question, but at the

525
00:32:23,640 --> 00:32:26,360
Speaker 8: same time, the same question, okay, And it has to

526
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,000
Speaker 8: do with resentment. Do you feel like pre therapy or

527
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 8: still now you kind of resented your mother for the

528
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:35,840
Speaker 8: things you had to experience when you're younger, especially like

529
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:37,520
Speaker 8: with the abortion and stuff like that.

530
00:32:38,160 --> 00:32:39,440
Speaker 1: Not even you know what's crazy.

531
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:41,560
Speaker 2: I don't put the blame of the abortion on her,

532
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:48,360
Speaker 2: But there was me and my mom just not just

533
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:52,560
Speaker 2: because I would say, probably in my early twenties became

534
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:56,560
Speaker 2: as cool as we are now. Me and my mom,

535
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 2: I resented her very much growing up because of the

536
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:07,760
Speaker 2: lack of money we had. The baby daddy she chose,

537
00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,640
Speaker 2: so the father that I had in my life. I

538
00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:13,680
Speaker 2: blamed her for that. I blamed her for having to

539
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 2: start working as early as I did. I resented her

540
00:33:16,800 --> 00:33:20,520
Speaker 2: for wanting to leave the house so early and then

541
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,840
Speaker 2: being forced into ways to make money that I'm not

542
00:33:23,920 --> 00:33:24,680
Speaker 2: proud of now.

543
00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,360
Speaker 1: I resented my mom a lot.

544
00:33:27,800 --> 00:33:29,240
Speaker 2: I don't know if I put it even put it

545
00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:31,280
Speaker 2: in the book, but I ran away from home in

546
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 2: middle school. Me and her got into a fight like

547
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:40,280
Speaker 2: me and my mom fist fought. I resented her because

548
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,720
Speaker 2: there were Christmases where we got Christmas gifts and food

549
00:33:43,720 --> 00:33:44,720
Speaker 2: line bags.

550
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 1: Like we didn't wake up excited about Christmas.

551
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:50,840
Speaker 2: We woke up and I got like a fucking I

552
00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:52,720
Speaker 2: think I did write about that. I got love and

553
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,360
Speaker 2: basketball and coldest winter ever as a Christmas gift one

554
00:33:55,400 --> 00:33:57,280
Speaker 2: year with Candy.

555
00:33:57,440 --> 00:34:00,520
Speaker 1: That was my Christmas. So I resent did like.

556
00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:05,520
Speaker 2: Her inability to provide and give me the life, which

557
00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:08,440
Speaker 2: is probably why a lot of look noat y'all make

558
00:34:08,520 --> 00:34:08,839
Speaker 2: me cry.

559
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:10,359
Speaker 1: This is still things I'm working through.

560
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:17,879
Speaker 2: I love my relationship with her now, but my relationship

561
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:20,879
Speaker 2: with my mom was I just hated that we had

562
00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:23,719
Speaker 2: to go through so much hard shit, like her leaving

563
00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,440
Speaker 2: my dad. We ended up in a homeless shelter growing

564
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:29,600
Speaker 2: up like there was a lot that I dealt with.

565
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:31,960
Speaker 2: And I think you guys heard that in the episode

566
00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:37,520
Speaker 2: when Weezy brought her mom, it was I would have

567
00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 2: loved the nuance of being able to share more of

568
00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:42,360
Speaker 2: our upbringing. Weezy didn't want to touch about growing up

569
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 2: with money. For me, it's funny because there's a there's

570
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:48,759
Speaker 2: a movie coming out written by Disease and it's so

571
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,319
Speaker 2: crazy because it's like with Keanu Reeves. I just saw

572
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 2: it on Kickki Pommer's page, and it's where he switches

573
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:59,120
Speaker 2: lives with someone with money and it's literally like where

574
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:02,919
Speaker 2: the the angel is, Like, money's not going to fix

575
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:05,040
Speaker 2: all her problems, and when he gets money, it does.

576
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:09,719
Speaker 2: And so there were so many elements of my upbringing

577
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 2: between my mom's decision and men, the money that she

578
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:16,360
Speaker 2: was able to make, what we were really able to

579
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,440
Speaker 2: do as a family, even like it was embarrassing to

580
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:22,040
Speaker 2: me going to my friends' houses and they took vacations.

581
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:24,520
Speaker 2: I got vacations as a child because of my friends.

582
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,480
Speaker 2: They brought me on trips with them. So there was

583
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:32,400
Speaker 2: just so much that I didn't get to experience, and

584
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:36,080
Speaker 2: so I resented her for that. I never resented her

585
00:35:36,160 --> 00:35:40,879
Speaker 2: for my abortion. Honestly, I wish we would have had

586
00:35:40,920 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 2: more talks about sex and things like that, but to

587
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,280
Speaker 2: be honest now as an adult, it wouldn't have mattered.

588
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,360
Speaker 2: She didn't have the tools. She wasn't comfortable with herself.

589
00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:55,480
Speaker 2: I think from a security level, from what she thought

590
00:35:55,560 --> 00:35:58,399
Speaker 2: she was worthy of and what she received from men

591
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:00,880
Speaker 2: and their treatment, I don't think she would have been

592
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:04,000
Speaker 2: able to teach me anything honestly that would have been

593
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 2: worth anything because she wasn't She wasn't in a place

594
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:11,640
Speaker 2: to do so. Truthfully, Brittany, thanks for making me cry.

595
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:13,680
Speaker 2: Goddamn next question, what was the second part of the

596
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:14,480
Speaker 2: goddamn question?

597
00:36:14,560 --> 00:36:18,040
Speaker 8: Shit, I'm not accing. I ain't about to make you

598
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:18,560
Speaker 8: cry again.

599
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,239
Speaker 1: Well, no, that was a devote I mean, you canna

600
00:36:21,239 --> 00:36:23,000
Speaker 1: ask the next question. Shit, we already hear.

601
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:27,080
Speaker 2: I figured the pain portion of this book was going

602
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:29,319
Speaker 2: to bring about certain things, because it did even in

603
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:29,960
Speaker 2: the process.

604
00:36:30,239 --> 00:36:33,200
Speaker 8: So I think I'm going to wait until we talk

605
00:36:33,480 --> 00:36:36,640
Speaker 8: about the assault tracker actually because I think what I'm

606
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,280
Speaker 8: going to ask is kind of yeah.

607
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,239
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, because there was a whole part in there

608
00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:50,240
Speaker 2: too with that. So yeah, for me, aside from knowing

609
00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:52,359
Speaker 2: that this was going to be a chapter that had

610
00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,160
Speaker 2: to be in the book, it was very important for

611
00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:58,200
Speaker 2: me to write it through the lens that I did

612
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:04,839
Speaker 2: in showing my decision and my mom's abortion as well

613
00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 2: with the reversal of Roe v.

614
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:10,240
Speaker 1: Wade. So in the process of writing this, it was maybe.

615
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,319
Speaker 2: A couple months after that took place, and so for me,

616
00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:15,440
Speaker 2: I wanted to add the stats in there. I wanted

617
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:20,080
Speaker 2: to like make this be something to where I want

618
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:23,880
Speaker 2: a conservative bitch to read this goddamn chapter and actually

619
00:37:24,280 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 2: feel something, because there's so many you know ways that

620
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:33,160
Speaker 2: people think it's just like something that you do when

621
00:37:33,200 --> 00:37:35,640
Speaker 2: it kills a baby, and da da da da da.

622
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:38,279
Speaker 2: And I wanted to include the fact that I felt

623
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:40,799
Speaker 2: like playing parenthood was trying to get me to not

624
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:44,080
Speaker 2: make that decision while in there already, Like so, there

625
00:37:44,080 --> 00:37:46,200
Speaker 2: were so many emotions around this, there were so many

626
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:50,359
Speaker 2: people involved that I specifically wrote this chapter not only

627
00:37:50,400 --> 00:37:54,200
Speaker 2: with the stats, but with the intention that a conservative

628
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:58,560
Speaker 2: motherfucker would read it and just feel something, because I

629
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:02,000
Speaker 2: don't think that there's much feeling around the person that

630
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 2: actually makes the decision to go through with an abortion.

631
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:10,239
Speaker 2: And so, Mellie, even for you having not been through

632
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:14,480
Speaker 2: an abortion but being a teen mom and feeling something

633
00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,200
Speaker 2: from this chapter, I feel like that makes me, like

634
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:21,799
Speaker 2: extremely happy that that was able to be portrayed in

635
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:22,239
Speaker 2: this chapter.

636
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:29,799
Speaker 1: Specifically, All right, now, shit, we're gonna get it to

637
00:38:29,840 --> 00:38:32,560
Speaker 1: the final chapter and then y'all know, I leave Q

638
00:38:32,719 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 1: and A at the end, but feel free during this

639
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 1: time too.

640
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:44,279
Speaker 2: Of course, ask questions in addition, especially if you read

641
00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:47,759
Speaker 2: the book already, even if you didn't anything that I say,

642
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 2: if you have questions, ask, So this chapter.

643
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:57,879
Speaker 1: Was ironically quite easy for me to.

644
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:06,439
Speaker 2: Write after I had processed everything. So for me, where

645
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:08,600
Speaker 2: Weezi and I both knew we were going to share

646
00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:12,520
Speaker 2: of a sexual assault, we also felt it just important

647
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:16,320
Speaker 2: to not only liberate women to have sex, but also

648
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:21,160
Speaker 2: include what could happen or the consequences around just sex

649
00:39:21,239 --> 00:39:25,879
Speaker 2: in general. And then and so for me, I don't

650
00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:29,400
Speaker 2: know if y'all saw the themes of my book but

651
00:39:30,200 --> 00:39:33,640
Speaker 2: or of my chapters, but I wrote it from a

652
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:38,800
Speaker 2: sense of how my mind has like transformed over the years,

653
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:42,480
Speaker 2: the way my mind thought at a younger age compared

654
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:45,400
Speaker 2: to when certain instances happened and to now, it was

655
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:50,520
Speaker 2: really important for me to kind of chronologicalize these things.

656
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:54,200
Speaker 2: And so what's crazy is I start this chapter off

657
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:58,839
Speaker 2: talking about being God, God's favorite. Y'all know, I think

658
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:01,960
Speaker 2: I'm God's favorite because I'm blessed with a three maybe

659
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:06,280
Speaker 2: three and a half day period and so for y'all

660
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:10,720
Speaker 2: with seven the devil love y'all, but God love me, okay.

661
00:40:11,160 --> 00:40:18,360
Speaker 2: And so there was this thing for me around even

662
00:40:18,400 --> 00:40:22,719
Speaker 2: in expressing my sexuality and my sexual nature, even on

663
00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:26,719
Speaker 2: horrible decisions, there was almost a badge of honor in

664
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaker 2: being able to say nope, I'm a free coke because

665
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,200
Speaker 2: I want to be, not because I was assaulted or.

666
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:35,560
Speaker 1: Molested or none of these things happened to me.

667
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:42,440
Speaker 2: And I started the chapter off with the train incident

668
00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:47,680
Speaker 2: because y'all know the podcaster. He didn't get his name

669
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:51,880
Speaker 2: in here. I wasn't gonna do that for his ass.

670
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 2: But when I got sexually assaulted at I think I

671
00:40:57,120 --> 00:40:59,160
Speaker 2: was I had to be twenty seven because I was

672
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:04,520
Speaker 2: on my way back from work. Sharing how that took

673
00:41:04,560 --> 00:41:09,800
Speaker 2: place and how I froze was important for me. Sharing

674
00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:12,800
Speaker 2: how people thought I should expect it with the brand

675
00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 2: that we have was important for me.

676
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:18,400
Speaker 1: And even when it happened.

677
00:41:20,360 --> 00:41:24,040
Speaker 2: If y'all remember me sharing this story, even on the

678
00:41:24,120 --> 00:41:28,479
Speaker 2: podcast and the aftermath with the podcaster, I literally thought

679
00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:34,560
Speaker 2: this was my first sexual assault. I literally did said

680
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:38,400
Speaker 2: fuck it happened at twenty seven, fuck like, well, at

681
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 2: least I got to go this whole.

682
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:46,000
Speaker 1: Time, you know, I ah, and mind you, that's at

683
00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:46,960
Speaker 1: the moment it happened.

684
00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:51,200
Speaker 2: I think shortly after that, if I was twenty seven,

685
00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:53,160
Speaker 2: that was that happened about twenty seventeen.

686
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:55,759
Speaker 1: I think twenty seventeen twenty eighteen.

687
00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:59,600
Speaker 2: Is when Weezy and I learned the word stealthing, and

688
00:41:59,680 --> 00:42:02,759
Speaker 2: so knowing that that took place for me probably around

689
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:08,600
Speaker 2: the age of twenty three twenty four, that was also

690
00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:10,400
Speaker 2: kind of like a damn.

691
00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:12,839
Speaker 1: Not only did this happen at twenty three twenty four,

692
00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 1: it also happened at eighteen with two different people. So

693
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,319
Speaker 1: I don't want to convolute it.

694
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:21,480
Speaker 2: But I was also stealthed by an NBA player when

695
00:42:21,480 --> 00:42:26,240
Speaker 2: I was eighteen here in Atlanta. He was in town,

696
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:29,960
Speaker 2: I was here. I went to see him. He removed it,

697
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:33,360
Speaker 2: and I remember staying up all night because I was

698
00:42:33,360 --> 00:42:35,560
Speaker 2: fucking nervous because I had to wait for the Kroger

699
00:42:35,560 --> 00:42:39,000
Speaker 2: pharmacy to open to go get a Plan B. And

700
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 2: we never had sex again after that, but I ran

701
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:45,160
Speaker 2: into him quite a bit in New York in other settings.

702
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:48,480
Speaker 2: By the way, the guy in the in the book

703
00:42:49,160 --> 00:42:54,240
Speaker 2: that the NFL player I ran into recently as well,

704
00:42:54,280 --> 00:42:59,040
Speaker 2: And so it's like, it's weird because literally, I'm not

705
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 2: going to say where I was because I think it

706
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:03,439
Speaker 2: would give it away who it is, and I don't

707
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:07,120
Speaker 2: want to do that. I'm not that like again, I

708
00:43:07,160 --> 00:43:10,359
Speaker 2: think men still don't think stealthy. It's just not for

709
00:43:10,360 --> 00:43:12,759
Speaker 2: me to put that out there. But I was at

710
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:16,439
Speaker 2: an event and a friend of mine was like, oh,

711
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:20,000
Speaker 2: there goes so and so you're gonna go speak mind you.

712
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:23,160
Speaker 2: This was during the process of writing the book, and

713
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:29,080
Speaker 2: I literally was like, yeah, no, like we know each other,

714
00:43:29,680 --> 00:43:31,200
Speaker 2: but I'm not gonna go out of my way to

715
00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:34,440
Speaker 2: speak to this person because I am currently writing about

716
00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 2: an incident, a violation with him.

717
00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:40,280
Speaker 1: And I said, so, for me, I probably.

718
00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:43,719
Speaker 2: Will never speak to this person again in person because

719
00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:51,319
Speaker 2: I'm experiencing, you know, a part of me that's overcoming

720
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:58,520
Speaker 2: the violation while also completely confused because it was good

721
00:43:59,040 --> 00:44:01,359
Speaker 2: and he gave me money and I took it. So

722
00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:05,840
Speaker 2: I think for me, including that part of this was

723
00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:07,680
Speaker 2: important for me, and that's why I chose to share

724
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:11,680
Speaker 2: this story and not the other one. This story specifically,

725
00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:14,920
Speaker 2: aside from being violated, it was important for me to

726
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:19,399
Speaker 2: share that you could be violated and it could feel good,

727
00:44:19,400 --> 00:44:21,719
Speaker 2: and you could be confused as a woman, I know

728
00:44:22,239 --> 00:44:25,520
Speaker 2: sometimes like it's one or the other, like, well, it

729
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:28,600
Speaker 2: was consensual and it was you liked it, so no, no,

730
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:32,799
Speaker 2: no, no no, Like you can still absolutely feel violated and

731
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:37,560
Speaker 2: have to process what took place, even if physically it

732
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:43,120
Speaker 2: like that was a confusing one for me. But for me,

733
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:48,040
Speaker 2: the part that I had to share in this book

734
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 2: specifically was what happened a couple summers ago, and I

735
00:44:54,560 --> 00:44:57,920
Speaker 2: hope that you guys were able to feel my panic.

736
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:02,000
Speaker 2: I share a b out receiving a call from the

737
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:07,480
Speaker 2: Orange County Sheriff's Department bitch, while I'm on the train,

738
00:45:08,760 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 2: and maybe it was a train with no goddamn service,

739
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:14,480
Speaker 2: just know that. So I'm on the train, I get

740
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:18,360
Speaker 2: this message. I see the transcript of the voice message,

741
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:21,520
Speaker 2: and my mind immediately goes to they calling me to

742
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:23,399
Speaker 2: tell me somebody did.

743
00:45:24,200 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 1: And I immediately my.

744
00:45:26,120 --> 00:45:30,200
Speaker 2: First two thoughts went to my youngest sister and my mom.

745
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:33,200
Speaker 2: Those would be the two people that, oh my god,

746
00:45:33,239 --> 00:45:37,799
Speaker 2: my world would shatter. And so I'm immediately calling, not

747
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:38,439
Speaker 2: getting through.

748
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:42,000
Speaker 1: I get a hold. Finally I go upstairs. I called

749
00:45:42,080 --> 00:45:46,600
Speaker 1: the sheriffs back. First, clearly I think.

750
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,200
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, I think I get a hold of

751
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:49,840
Speaker 2: my mom. My mom is good, my sister good. So

752
00:45:49,880 --> 00:45:52,160
Speaker 2: I called them back. Don't know why they're calling me,

753
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:59,200
Speaker 2: And it was the strangest thing. Psychology is a motherfucker

754
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:03,040
Speaker 2: to me. This was the almost most outer body experience

755
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:06,800
Speaker 2: I've experienced in the last couple of years. I'm talking

756
00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:10,440
Speaker 2: to this sheriff and he's asking me if I know

757
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:14,080
Speaker 2: this person, and I'm like no. So then he starts

758
00:46:14,239 --> 00:46:19,319
Speaker 2: confirming my identity, knows my name, my mama name, an

759
00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:22,800
Speaker 2: address I used to live at, and he's like literally

760
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,640
Speaker 2: telling me. So I'm like, yeah, bitch, this this me,

761
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:28,040
Speaker 2: But why the fuck you calling me? I don't know

762
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:30,200
Speaker 2: who you're talking about. He was like, well, you are

763
00:46:30,200 --> 00:46:32,680
Speaker 2: a witness and a crime and I was like, yeah,

764
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:35,440
Speaker 2: n I ain't ever been to court, like nigga, I'm

765
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:39,200
Speaker 2: following the law. Nigga court like in my mind like

766
00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:41,600
Speaker 2: that was never anything. I was like, yeah, no, I

767
00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:44,560
Speaker 2: think you have the wrong person. So he goes back

768
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:49,320
Speaker 2: to telling me that I'm a witness in the nineteen

769
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:54,000
Speaker 2: ninety seven crime. I'm like, ninety seven, bitch, I was

770
00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:58,040
Speaker 2: six seven years old, Like yeah no, and y'all. The

771
00:46:58,040 --> 00:47:01,560
Speaker 2: weirdest thing he pulls out the police report is starts

772
00:47:01,719 --> 00:47:07,600
Speaker 2: reading my statement as a seven year old. And when

773
00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:14,680
Speaker 2: I tell you, I literally like like and look, it's

774
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:18,239
Speaker 2: the most outer body experience because I've totally forgot about it.

775
00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:22,400
Speaker 2: And he's reading my statement to me, and I'm like,

776
00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:29,000
Speaker 2: oh shit. And I call my mom and I tell

777
00:47:29,080 --> 00:47:33,840
Speaker 2: her and she says, oh shit, it was not talked about.

778
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:37,400
Speaker 2: We like it was just like a It was something

779
00:47:37,440 --> 00:47:39,160
Speaker 2: we just put in the back of our minds, like

780
00:47:39,800 --> 00:47:42,680
Speaker 2: we literally totally forgot it ever took place.

781
00:47:43,400 --> 00:47:44,839
Speaker 1: And I'm like talking to my mom.

782
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:48,520
Speaker 2: My mom as I'm telling her, she's remembering the exact day,

783
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:53,319
Speaker 2: talking to my babysitter, coming like leaving work, pulling up

784
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:55,880
Speaker 2: and seeing all these cop cars outside of the Like

785
00:47:56,400 --> 00:48:00,680
Speaker 2: my mom didn't remember it, and she was like, oh shit, bitch.

786
00:48:00,760 --> 00:48:03,840
Speaker 2: We both put it in the back of my head.

787
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:11,279
Speaker 2: And when I say in terms of anyone experienced something

788
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 2: as a child, me really being believing that I had

789
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:19,600
Speaker 2: never experienced any level of an assault or any weird

790
00:48:19,600 --> 00:48:22,759
Speaker 2: shit happened sexually. And to know that that took place

791
00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:25,560
Speaker 2: at seven and this nigga was literally jacking his dick

792
00:48:25,600 --> 00:48:29,000
Speaker 2: outside of the goddamn daycare room for me and my

793
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:33,560
Speaker 2: sister to watch, and like I've never like when people

794
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:37,520
Speaker 2: say outer body experiences, bitch, his voice on the phone

795
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:40,080
Speaker 2: turned to my voice. I swear to God, like it

796
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:45,319
Speaker 2: was the weirdest weirdest experience, and then I sat with

797
00:48:45,320 --> 00:48:48,840
Speaker 2: my mom and talked about that and kind of wondered

798
00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 2: why we never revisited it, but she wasn't there, and

799
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:59,160
Speaker 2: then through therapy and everything, I didn't remember it. And

800
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:01,840
Speaker 2: so I know, we talk a lot on the podcast

801
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:07,120
Speaker 2: about all the things, but this literally happened while we're

802
00:49:07,160 --> 00:49:10,399
Speaker 2: talking about potentially having a book, and I was like, bitch,

803
00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:12,560
Speaker 2: I'm an get you told something that I ain't shared

804
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:15,279
Speaker 2: on the pod before because this has to be new

805
00:49:15,320 --> 00:49:20,040
Speaker 2: for our audience. But for me to go from the

806
00:49:20,080 --> 00:49:24,920
Speaker 2: start of the chapter to twenty seven, to then go

807
00:49:25,040 --> 00:49:28,120
Speaker 2: back to being a seven year old and then learning

808
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:31,920
Speaker 2: the word stealthing through the pod and realizing, shit, bitch,

809
00:49:31,960 --> 00:49:34,720
Speaker 2: you were violated at eighteen and twenty three as well,

810
00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:39,840
Speaker 2: for me was the full circle moment and how I

811
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:44,799
Speaker 2: wanted to execute this chapter because it was important for

812
00:49:44,840 --> 00:49:49,359
Speaker 2: me to show the three very different violations that I experienced,

813
00:49:49,719 --> 00:49:54,560
Speaker 2: the three different ways I kind of work them through

814
00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:59,480
Speaker 2: my brain, and how I'm still kind of psychologically coming

815
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:02,759
Speaker 2: out on top is like not allowing them, any of

816
00:50:02,760 --> 00:50:08,239
Speaker 2: them to define me, And so I hope that was

817
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,920
Speaker 2: translated in this chapter. But for me, this was like

818
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:17,560
Speaker 2: it was more of this chapter altogether was more of

819
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:23,120
Speaker 2: an outer body experience to really being able to sit

820
00:50:23,200 --> 00:50:26,600
Speaker 2: with my experiences that I had had and how to

821
00:50:26,640 --> 00:50:28,480
Speaker 2: process them and then put them on paper.

822
00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:31,360
Speaker 1: Uh, Tasi, you have a question.

823
00:50:33,320 --> 00:50:35,479
Speaker 7: I know you'd be getting on me, but like you said,

824
00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:38,080
Speaker 7: all of it is kind of like Trier warning, and

825
00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:40,560
Speaker 7: sometimes I'm just still like processing of like, Okay, what

826
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:43,799
Speaker 7: am I comfortable if I'm not comfortable? But literally, as

827
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:47,359
Speaker 7: you said, psychology is just mind fucking in a good

828
00:50:47,360 --> 00:50:50,320
Speaker 7: way and in a bad way because you can experience

829
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,640
Speaker 7: something then like live your like and then just literally

830
00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:54,960
Speaker 7: be walking down the street as I was and just

831
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:59,320
Speaker 7: being like, wait a minute, I don't know what triggered

832
00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:04,919
Speaker 7: this thought into memory, but like that happened, and then

833
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:07,279
Speaker 7: kind of even Wheezy has said on some instances like

834
00:51:07,320 --> 00:51:08,520
Speaker 7: well I don't want people to think that like I'm

835
00:51:08,520 --> 00:51:10,080
Speaker 7: making this up because it just came out of like

836
00:51:10,440 --> 00:51:13,080
Speaker 7: nowhere in or maybe I'm retelling it from different standpoints.

837
00:51:13,080 --> 00:51:16,239
Speaker 7: But then it's just like again your brain trying to

838
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:19,080
Speaker 7: protect you from the trauma and not knowing what is what.

839
00:51:19,160 --> 00:51:23,480
Speaker 7: It's truly mind boggling. But like you said, receiving that

840
00:51:23,560 --> 00:51:25,560
Speaker 7: phone call and it all coming back one day. I

841
00:51:25,560 --> 00:51:28,560
Speaker 7: don't know what was happening in or what I was doing,

842
00:51:28,640 --> 00:51:31,200
Speaker 7: but dancy didn't happen when I was in second grade

843
00:51:31,200 --> 00:51:34,160
Speaker 7: to around six or seven literally at Georgia State. My

844
00:51:34,239 --> 00:51:38,080
Speaker 7: law Wislims walking by Peedemont whatever. And then I'm like

845
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:40,680
Speaker 7: it could. I'm also major in psychology, so I don't

846
00:51:40,680 --> 00:51:42,279
Speaker 7: know if we were just talking about things and it

847
00:51:42,320 --> 00:51:44,759
Speaker 7: was just opening boxes in the brain, but I'm just.

848
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:47,839
Speaker 1: Like, hold on the fuck.

849
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 7: And then I just started like crying because just realizing

850
00:51:50,600 --> 00:51:53,480
Speaker 7: everything that happened and then wasn't like blaming my mom

851
00:51:53,520 --> 00:51:55,480
Speaker 7: because I never blamed my mom for joining the military,

852
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:57,560
Speaker 7: That's how she provided a life for me. But this

853
00:51:57,640 --> 00:51:59,839
Speaker 7: happened while she was stationed overseas and placed me under

854
00:51:59,840 --> 00:52:03,399
Speaker 7: some knowlse his care And so I'm just like then

855
00:52:03,560 --> 00:52:06,240
Speaker 7: having to have that conversation with my mom, like again

856
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:09,120
Speaker 7: not blaming her, but knowing that it.

857
00:52:09,160 --> 00:52:10,239
Speaker 1: Was going to break her heart.

858
00:52:10,400 --> 00:52:13,400
Speaker 7: Knowing that like it was just so mind fucking but

859
00:52:13,520 --> 00:52:15,960
Speaker 7: like reading it, like you said, you had never shared

860
00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:17,879
Speaker 7: that on the podcast, and so like reading it, I'm

861
00:52:17,920 --> 00:52:21,320
Speaker 7: just like, what happened?

862
00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:26,640
Speaker 1: I think that thank you for that, and thank you

863
00:52:26,719 --> 00:52:27,600
Speaker 1: Tazi for sharing.

864
00:52:27,640 --> 00:52:31,759
Speaker 2: I don't think that the conversation happens, and it's unfortunate

865
00:52:31,960 --> 00:52:37,959
Speaker 2: with everyone like you know how between Bill Cosby and

866
00:52:38,320 --> 00:52:40,920
Speaker 2: all of these celebrities where there's blame on well what

867
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:43,359
Speaker 2: took you so long to share, or well, why didn't

868
00:52:43,360 --> 00:52:45,799
Speaker 2: you say something when it happened. I think that we

869
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:50,200
Speaker 2: don't talk about how our brain maybe does protect ourselves

870
00:52:50,320 --> 00:52:54,160
Speaker 2: and shutting the door on what actually happened. I think

871
00:52:54,200 --> 00:52:59,080
Speaker 2: that there's an element of self blame that we are doing.

872
00:52:59,480 --> 00:53:02,200
Speaker 2: Then it's feeling like we're not gonna get justice, so

873
00:53:02,239 --> 00:53:04,880
Speaker 2: what's the point of telling? And there's like there's all

874
00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:10,400
Speaker 2: these different battles internally that you have that I think

875
00:53:11,840 --> 00:53:13,560
Speaker 2: creates our brain to put it in the box in

876
00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:16,560
Speaker 2: the back of our head, and unfortunately, there's moments that

877
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:18,840
Speaker 2: can trigger and open that door up and it floods

878
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:22,840
Speaker 2: because a lot of us don't work through what actually happened.

879
00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:25,319
Speaker 2: We just set it in the back and hope that

880
00:53:25,520 --> 00:53:27,600
Speaker 2: we can forget about it, because a lot of us

881
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:32,160
Speaker 2: want to forget that certain things ever happened. And in

882
00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:34,600
Speaker 2: this instance, I didn't even know my little my little

883
00:53:35,000 --> 00:53:36,239
Speaker 2: version of myself did that.

884
00:53:36,800 --> 00:53:39,640
Speaker 1: I didn't. I didn't know. I look, it literally happened

885
00:53:39,680 --> 00:53:44,360
Speaker 1: like that. I didn't know. And so I.

886
00:53:44,239 --> 00:53:48,080
Speaker 2: Think for this chapter and even Wheezy's, it was just

887
00:53:48,520 --> 00:53:51,160
Speaker 2: important all around for us to include this in a

888
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:56,040
Speaker 2: book about sexual exploration, because it's something that is possible.

889
00:53:56,520 --> 00:54:00,120
Speaker 2: Unfortunately with these niggas, these days might be inevitable, and

890
00:54:00,200 --> 00:54:02,560
Speaker 2: I hate that for so many of us. But also

891
00:54:03,600 --> 00:54:06,400
Speaker 2: it could be the smallest of things that makes you

892
00:54:06,400 --> 00:54:10,080
Speaker 2: feel violated and now you as a person are set

893
00:54:10,160 --> 00:54:13,479
Speaker 2: to just deal with it in whatever way it looks

894
00:54:13,520 --> 00:54:17,759
Speaker 2: like dealing with it, and that kind of sucks. It

895
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:21,799
Speaker 2: sucks because it's hard to talk about. It's hard to

896
00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:24,600
Speaker 2: continue to push through and live on. It's hard to

897
00:54:25,280 --> 00:54:28,120
Speaker 2: enjoy sex after experience some of these things. But we

898
00:54:28,239 --> 00:54:32,960
Speaker 2: want to enjoy sex, and it becomes difficult. It becomes difficult,

899
00:54:33,000 --> 00:54:36,319
Speaker 2: and I think for me, it's why I lean so

900
00:54:36,400 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 2: much into talking about community, my upbringing, my Caribbean background,

901
00:54:43,000 --> 00:54:46,480
Speaker 2: and in this chapter specifically, how upset I was that

902
00:54:47,239 --> 00:54:49,959
Speaker 2: all three of my violators technically four because I didn't

903
00:54:49,960 --> 00:54:52,960
Speaker 2: include the other were black men, and mind y'all, I

904
00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,640
Speaker 2: ain't never even had pink dick, I'll.

905
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:58,680
Speaker 1: Be like, ooh, don't want it. Give me a black man.

906
00:54:58,800 --> 00:55:03,040
Speaker 2: And what's crazy is literally championing black men, being the

907
00:55:03,120 --> 00:55:06,120
Speaker 2: safe space for them and having also having to work

908
00:55:06,160 --> 00:55:10,239
Speaker 2: through being violated by them. Is where me, my mom,

909
00:55:10,280 --> 00:55:13,440
Speaker 2: and my sister are currently at in therapy even and

910
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:17,160
Speaker 2: it sucks because bitch, that's who I'm attracted to, and

911
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:18,680
Speaker 2: so it becomes difficult.

912
00:55:18,960 --> 00:55:20,400
Speaker 1: And it might be why I don't know.

913
00:55:20,440 --> 00:55:24,840
Speaker 2: Somebody on Patreon today called me an avoided a dismissive avoidant.

914
00:55:25,480 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 2: I'm looking into what it means, by the way, and

915
00:55:28,080 --> 00:55:30,520
Speaker 2: I think it is kind of right. But I'm also

916
00:55:30,600 --> 00:55:34,319
Speaker 2: realizing that it may be also another defense mechanism that

917
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:37,880
Speaker 2: I don't realize I'm putting up because I'm having this

918
00:55:38,000 --> 00:55:41,160
Speaker 2: toggle of my brain between wanting to be safe with

919
00:55:41,239 --> 00:55:45,000
Speaker 2: a black man and having experienced so many moments of unsafety.

920
00:55:46,080 --> 00:55:48,959
Speaker 1: Naomi, you have your hand raising. Y'all know we're about

921
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:52,640
Speaker 1: to wrap this up, so if anyone has any questions

922
00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:56,840
Speaker 1: or thoughts on the pain portion of No Holds Barred,

923
00:55:56,880 --> 00:56:00,480
Speaker 1: please feel free to tap in. Naomi.

924
00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:04,000
Speaker 5: Yeah, when you said you know all of this sucks

925
00:56:04,239 --> 00:56:07,080
Speaker 5: and is it is some things you got to like

926
00:56:07,560 --> 00:56:10,960
Speaker 5: dive deep into especially when you find yourself getting triggered.

927
00:56:11,520 --> 00:56:14,920
Speaker 5: And I like, when I started with my healing journey

928
00:56:15,000 --> 00:56:18,680
Speaker 5: as the Moon and Stars, people say, uh, when I

929
00:56:18,719 --> 00:56:22,560
Speaker 5: started going to therapy and getting into spiritual groups and

930
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,279
Speaker 5: you know, digging all that stuff up and even some

931
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,239
Speaker 5: of the things that you don't remember. I hated it.

932
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 5: And I hated talking about my childhood, Like I don't

933
00:56:31,280 --> 00:56:34,480
Speaker 5: want to talk like everything that happened that was happening

934
00:56:34,480 --> 00:56:37,879
Speaker 5: in my present day, you know, even the abusive relationships

935
00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:39,960
Speaker 5: and all of that. Everything was like, so tell me

936
00:56:40,000 --> 00:56:42,319
Speaker 5: about your childhood. So I'm like, why do we have

937
00:56:42,400 --> 00:56:43,879
Speaker 5: to keep talking about that shit?

938
00:56:44,160 --> 00:56:45,960
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about that shit.

939
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:49,480
Speaker 5: But it's it's that's that's where I feel like. That

940
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:52,000
Speaker 5: was like, uh to me, it was like, oh, that

941
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:54,799
Speaker 5: was a setup. You know, that was where everything that

942
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:58,400
Speaker 5: happened as I grew up was set up in my childhood.

943
00:56:58,760 --> 00:57:01,319
Speaker 5: So if I want to change change the patterns and

944
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:04,399
Speaker 5: how I relate and how I present myself and all

945
00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:07,799
Speaker 5: of that, everything is rooted back in the childhood. And

946
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:08,920
Speaker 5: that really pissed Naomi.

947
00:57:09,040 --> 00:57:11,400
Speaker 1: That is a bar and why almost every chapter I

948
00:57:11,520 --> 00:57:15,520
Speaker 1: go back to that this book. This book made me

949
00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:18,080
Speaker 1: for the first time I was in therapy for four years.

950
00:57:18,760 --> 00:57:21,320
Speaker 1: I think the first three years of my therapy. You

951
00:57:21,360 --> 00:57:25,120
Speaker 1: ready not one ounce to talk about my childhood.

952
00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:30,040
Speaker 2: Really, this book real, This book made me tap into

953
00:57:30,720 --> 00:57:34,400
Speaker 2: actually speaking and telling my therapist about my childhood. To me,

954
00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:37,320
Speaker 2: I'm like, bitch, I'm dealing with just how to work

955
00:57:37,320 --> 00:57:39,280
Speaker 2: with Weezy, how to work with Bridget, how to like

956
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:41,080
Speaker 2: it's my day to day girl, I'm working on the

957
00:57:41,160 --> 00:57:41,760
Speaker 2: debt on today.

958
00:57:41,800 --> 00:57:43,080
Speaker 1: We ain't got to go back to the past, girl.

959
00:57:43,120 --> 00:57:44,160
Speaker 1: The past is done.

960
00:57:44,240 --> 00:57:45,960
Speaker 2: And it wasn't until this book and I had to

961
00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:49,640
Speaker 2: touch on these different things that I was like a bitch.

962
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:54,480
Speaker 1: Childhood, Yeah, my mom and my daddy, like so much

963
00:57:54,520 --> 00:57:55,720
Speaker 1: of it was rooted in that.

964
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:57,880
Speaker 5: Yeah. But I think for me it was because of

965
00:57:57,960 --> 00:58:01,640
Speaker 5: my mother and my sister. I had a big problem

966
00:58:01,640 --> 00:58:04,160
Speaker 5: with my mom and my sister because they were still

967
00:58:04,200 --> 00:58:08,360
Speaker 5: in domestic violence relationships when I was in my thirties

968
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:10,640
Speaker 5: and I was going to therapy because I had been

969
00:58:10,680 --> 00:58:14,520
Speaker 5: doing so much for them. Now whenever we were kind

970
00:58:14,520 --> 00:58:16,120
Speaker 5: of in the clear, then I could go back to

971
00:58:16,160 --> 00:58:18,360
Speaker 5: focusing on myself and I was like, I don't know

972
00:58:18,360 --> 00:58:22,120
Speaker 5: what to do with myself. And my doctor actually suggested

973
00:58:22,160 --> 00:58:24,840
Speaker 5: that I go to therapy from the stress, and so

974
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,040
Speaker 5: that was the first thing that he asked.

975
00:58:27,040 --> 00:58:31,560
Speaker 2: And I just cried, because you're leaving us off with

976
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:31,880
Speaker 2: a bar.

977
00:58:32,400 --> 00:58:35,120
Speaker 1: You gotta tap into the chada. Yeah, yeah, thank you

978
00:58:35,280 --> 00:58:36,200
Speaker 1: so much, Nailmi.

979
00:58:36,520 --> 00:58:38,560
Speaker 5: The other book, I want to say, the other book

980
00:58:38,600 --> 00:58:40,840
Speaker 5: other than yours that really took me back to that

981
00:58:41,000 --> 00:58:44,000
Speaker 5: was The Body Keep Score is as good as that

982
00:58:44,040 --> 00:58:44,680
Speaker 5: book was.

983
00:58:44,800 --> 00:58:46,440
Speaker 1: It triggered me so much.

984
00:58:46,480 --> 00:58:49,800
Speaker 2: And okay, that Body Keep Score. Look at me, Melly

985
00:58:49,880 --> 00:58:53,440
Speaker 2: pulling out the notes. She is pulling out her notes.

986
00:58:54,960 --> 00:58:57,480
Speaker 1: We have Melli, and then we're gonna end off with you,

987
00:58:57,600 --> 00:59:00,720
Speaker 1: Brittany Mellie.

988
00:59:01,440 --> 00:59:04,320
Speaker 6: So I just wanted to say, listening to that chapter,

989
00:59:05,600 --> 00:59:08,480
Speaker 6: I was physically assaulted when I was a child. I

990
00:59:08,480 --> 00:59:12,200
Speaker 6: think I was like five, and you know, I didn't

991
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:14,400
Speaker 6: tell anyone at the time, and then I was around

992
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:17,200
Speaker 6: eight when I had told a cousin and then she

993
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:21,880
Speaker 6: told my mom, and you know when they told him,

994
00:59:21,920 --> 00:59:24,760
Speaker 6: initially it was like a big deal, as it should be,

995
00:59:24,840 --> 00:59:27,360
Speaker 6: but it kind of got swept under the rug and

996
00:59:27,400 --> 00:59:30,800
Speaker 6: it wasn't until I was like twenty three that reopened it.

997
00:59:31,640 --> 00:59:35,480
Speaker 1: And reached out.

998
00:59:34,240 --> 00:59:36,000
Speaker 6: To see if there was anything we could do about

999
00:59:36,080 --> 00:59:40,680
Speaker 6: getting this guy some type of consequences. And I found

1000
00:59:40,760 --> 00:59:43,000
Speaker 6: out that he had already had done.

1001
00:59:42,880 --> 00:59:44,920
Speaker 1: It, unfortunately to other young children.

1002
00:59:44,920 --> 00:59:50,680
Speaker 6: And yeah, uh, but you know, just and it's crazy

1003
00:59:50,720 --> 00:59:53,840
Speaker 6: because the amount of people in here right now, just

1004
00:59:53,880 --> 00:59:56,360
Speaker 6: because of the statistic, I'm sure there's a few other

1005
00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:59,240
Speaker 6: of us in here who have experienced some type of

1006
00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:03,200
Speaker 6: sexual assault. And when I was I think twenty six,

1007
01:00:03,280 --> 01:00:06,000
Speaker 6: I experienced I was driving with my son in the

1008
01:00:06,040 --> 01:00:09,000
Speaker 6: car and the man next to us had a his

1009
01:00:09,160 --> 01:00:12,240
Speaker 6: laptop on his dash. It was jacking off watching porn

1010
01:00:12,280 --> 01:00:15,840
Speaker 6: while we're driving. I'm driving him to school, and I'm like,

1011
01:00:16,040 --> 01:00:18,240
Speaker 6: you know, I call the cops and try to get

1012
01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:21,520
Speaker 6: them to find this guy. But I say all that

1013
01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:24,560
Speaker 6: to say that hearing you talk about it, and hearing

1014
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:27,640
Speaker 6: even talk to say what she said, it gives some

1015
01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:32,400
Speaker 6: type of comfort to know that you know, it's unfortunately

1016
01:00:32,440 --> 01:00:36,000
Speaker 6: it's a shared experience, but at least you're not alone,

1017
01:00:36,240 --> 01:00:38,720
Speaker 6: and you know you always have people to talk to

1018
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:42,520
Speaker 6: about it. But I did want to ask you, so

1019
01:00:42,560 --> 01:00:46,040
Speaker 6: you said that this chapter was easy for you to write,

1020
01:00:46,360 --> 01:00:48,040
Speaker 6: Was it easy for me to record?

1021
01:00:52,400 --> 01:00:57,480
Speaker 2: Maybe the again, the hearing my little voice when when

1022
01:00:57,480 --> 01:01:00,000
Speaker 2: I got to what that outer body experience felt like

1023
01:01:00,760 --> 01:01:04,680
Speaker 2: it was. This chapter was easier to record than the

1024
01:01:04,720 --> 01:01:08,600
Speaker 2: abortion one, and then I think we'll get into it

1025
01:01:08,640 --> 01:01:12,800
Speaker 2: next week. But the progression chapters were were my hardest

1026
01:01:12,920 --> 01:01:17,600
Speaker 2: to write, to conceptualize, to face. So next week will

1027
01:01:17,640 --> 01:01:22,040
Speaker 2: be a lot of like, well, we'll definitely lean into

1028
01:01:22,080 --> 01:01:24,800
Speaker 2: the progression, but this chapter wasn't that hard to write. Now,

1029
01:01:25,160 --> 01:01:28,400
Speaker 2: I think I've been healing through what actually took place

1030
01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:33,280
Speaker 2: and happened, and I feel confident and those not being

1031
01:01:33,280 --> 01:01:36,520
Speaker 2: triggers for me anymore. We ain't gonna be mad because

1032
01:01:36,640 --> 01:01:38,560
Speaker 2: she got to start her shit like three minutes late.

1033
01:01:38,840 --> 01:01:41,520
Speaker 2: But we're ending off with you, my love.

1034
01:01:42,360 --> 01:01:42,840
Speaker 1: Okay.

1035
01:01:43,600 --> 01:01:48,040
Speaker 8: The first thing I wanted to say was thank you

1036
01:01:48,080 --> 01:01:52,800
Speaker 8: for being vulnerable when it came to this chapter, because

1037
01:01:52,840 --> 01:01:54,960
Speaker 8: while I was well, I actually listened to it. While

1038
01:01:54,960 --> 01:01:57,600
Speaker 8: I was listening listening to you speak about it, I

1039
01:01:57,640 --> 01:02:00,960
Speaker 8: was like, oh shit, I feel like I'm being seen because.

1040
01:02:03,280 --> 01:02:05,240
Speaker 1: Oh no, I don't want to really.

1041
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:07,160
Speaker 8: When it came to your train.

1042
01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:13,160
Speaker 1: Your Train chapter, it is, by the way, y'all, she's

1043
01:02:13,160 --> 01:02:15,440
Speaker 1: not talking about a train ran on me. She's talking

1044
01:02:15,480 --> 01:02:20,080
Speaker 1: about the subway where I was. I'm not from New York.

1045
01:02:20,160 --> 01:02:22,640
Speaker 1: I'm not from New York. They know I might want

1046
01:02:22,680 --> 01:02:26,960
Speaker 1: to train subway. Yes, the subway.

1047
01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:32,640
Speaker 8: It made me like I felt like I was being

1048
01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:34,200
Speaker 8: seen for the first time because I really never really

1049
01:02:34,200 --> 01:02:36,160
Speaker 8: talked about my situations, which I'm not really trying to

1050
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,480
Speaker 8: get into right now, because I actually had a question.

1051
01:02:41,400 --> 01:02:44,680
Speaker 8: When you're saying, like it's said that all these assaults

1052
01:02:44,720 --> 01:02:46,919
Speaker 8: that happened to you happened to you with black men,

1053
01:02:47,840 --> 01:02:51,360
Speaker 8: how is it that you still because this is where

1054
01:02:51,400 --> 01:02:53,480
Speaker 8: I'm struggling in my own personal life, how is it

1055
01:02:53,520 --> 01:02:55,640
Speaker 8: that you are still able to be intimate with them

1056
01:02:56,640 --> 01:03:00,720
Speaker 8: and have those intimate with who questionable black men?

1057
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:05,160
Speaker 1: Question? Yeah, I don't know. I'm working with that. I

1058
01:03:05,200 --> 01:03:06,760
Speaker 1: think it's why I disconnect.

1059
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:09,840
Speaker 2: It might be why I need to drink to have sex,

1060
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:13,960
Speaker 2: like that's that's why I did the sober journey and

1061
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:15,040
Speaker 2: celibacy journey.

1062
01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:17,120
Speaker 1: I think that there is an attachment to.

1063
01:03:19,600 --> 01:03:23,600
Speaker 2: My drinking and sex specifically, I don't think I fully

1064
01:03:23,600 --> 01:03:26,360
Speaker 2: feel safe with them. I don't feel like I want

1065
01:03:26,400 --> 01:03:28,640
Speaker 2: to get too close to them. It may be why

1066
01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:30,920
Speaker 2: I like, there's a lot of things I'm still currently

1067
01:03:31,280 --> 01:03:33,960
Speaker 2: trying to work through and figure out honestly, So, I

1068
01:03:33,960 --> 01:03:36,160
Speaker 2: don't think I have the answer to that. Yeah, I'm

1069
01:03:36,160 --> 01:03:38,880
Speaker 2: able to suck some dick and have sex, but I

1070
01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:44,000
Speaker 2: think on a deeper level, I'm not sure. And I

1071
01:03:44,040 --> 01:03:47,040
Speaker 2: think that that's why my breakup with Soulmate hurt me

1072
01:03:47,080 --> 01:03:50,439
Speaker 2: so bad, because I don't I don't think I ever

1073
01:03:50,720 --> 01:03:52,360
Speaker 2: loved demand so much and he did.

1074
01:03:52,800 --> 01:03:53,560
Speaker 1: He did me wrong.

1075
01:03:54,000 --> 01:03:57,200
Speaker 2: He hurt me, like really bad on a psychological and

1076
01:03:57,240 --> 01:04:02,360
Speaker 2: emotional level that I was like, damn. So I don't

1077
01:04:02,400 --> 01:04:05,800
Speaker 2: know last question, because I know Wheezy about to be like, bitch,

1078
01:04:05,840 --> 01:04:08,160
Speaker 2: I need to get on. Are you finding that you

1079
01:04:08,240 --> 01:04:11,400
Speaker 2: still need to drink even now when being intimate? I

1080
01:04:11,440 --> 01:04:13,880
Speaker 2: will be honest. This is me being honest with y'all.

1081
01:04:15,320 --> 01:04:22,040
Speaker 2: I uh, double back to a nigga here in Atlanta,

1082
01:04:22,800 --> 01:04:24,360
Speaker 2: and as soon as he walked through the door, I

1083
01:04:24,400 --> 01:04:27,240
Speaker 2: made him do shots and it hit me he because

1084
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:28,040
Speaker 2: he literally.

1085
01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:30,400
Speaker 1: Said, damn, you gotta get drunk to fuck me.

1086
01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:34,920
Speaker 2: He said that to me, So I don't know, Like

1087
01:04:35,200 --> 01:04:39,200
Speaker 2: that was kind of like a gut punch because it's like,

1088
01:04:39,240 --> 01:04:42,200
Speaker 2: oh shit, is that what I'm doing? Is that why

1089
01:04:42,240 --> 01:04:45,400
Speaker 2: I'm creating this environment right now with him, I don't know,

1090
01:04:46,720 --> 01:04:47,840
Speaker 2: so I'm still working through that.

1091
01:04:49,480 --> 01:04:56,720
Speaker 1: Anyways, guys, uh, if you haven't yet join, join Wheezy's

1092
01:04:56,960 --> 01:04:57,600
Speaker 1: thank you Dia.

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01:04:57,680 --> 01:04:59,600
Speaker 2: Thank you guys so much for joining the book club,

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01:05:00,000 --> 01:05:03,320
Speaker 2: and make sure you subscribe to Selective Ignorance. There is

1095
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Speaker 2: an episode every Tuesday where we dive into all of

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Speaker 2: the nuances and chaos of the discourse around everything under

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Speaker 2: the sun. But also I'm giving you bonus episodes every Friday.

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Speaker 1: We have about two.

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01:05:16,440 --> 01:05:19,080
Speaker 2: More weeks of the book club and then we are

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01:05:19,120 --> 01:05:23,280
Speaker 2: back to some ignorance Baby, So again, make sure you subscribe,

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01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:26,560
Speaker 2: and make sure you head on over to our YouTube channel.

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01:05:26,720 --> 01:05:28,880
Speaker 1: At with Mandy b Baby.

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01:05:29,120 --> 01:05:31,080
Speaker 2: You're with me every week, so if you want to

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01:05:31,120 --> 01:05:34,520
Speaker 2: see full videos of Selective Ignorance, make sure you head

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Speaker 2: on over and hit that subscribe button. And again, if

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Speaker 2: you want to join me for this book club, also

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Speaker 2: join the Patreon just for as little as five dollars

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Speaker 2: a month you are supporting the show. It's patreon dot

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Speaker 2: com backslash Selective Ignorance. See you guys next week. Selective

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Speaker 2: Ignorance a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network. For

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Speaker 2: more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

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Speaker 2: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

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Speaker 4: Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.

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Speaker 4: Selective Ignorance. It's executive produced Buy Mandy B. And it's

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01:06:10,320 --> 01:06:14,640
Speaker 4: a full Court Media studio production with lead producers Jason Mondriguez.

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01:06:14,720 --> 01:06:17,520
Speaker 4: That's me and Aaron A. King Howard. Now, do us

1117
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Speaker 4: a favor and rate, Subscribe, comment and share wherever you

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Speaker 4: get your favorite podcasts, and be sure to follow Selective

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Speaker 4: Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance. And of course,

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Speaker 4: if you're not following our hosts Mandy B, make sure

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Speaker 4: you're following her at full port pumps Now. If you

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Speaker 4: want the full video experience of Selective Ignorance, make sure

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Speaker 4: you subscribe to the Patreon It's patreon dot com backslash

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Speaker 4: Selective Ignorance