WEBVTT - No Time To Feel Afraid (w/ Marjan Pungartnik) 0:00:00.880 --> 0:00:04.640 Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. You are tuned into 0:00:04.680 --> 0:00:07.000 the Vitamin D with Dawn Day podcast and I am 0:00:07.040 --> 0:00:09.640 your host, Dawn Day, here to get you excited about 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:11.600 your life so that you can live life on purpose 0:00:11.640 --> 0:00:13.680 and for a purpose. And this is your first time 0:00:13.760 --> 0:00:17.040 tuning in and welcome Vitamin D. It's upon off my name. 0:00:17.280 --> 0:00:19.240 My name is Dawn, and you get Vitamin D from 0:00:19.280 --> 0:00:21.440 the sun. So I'm hear to your light into your life. 0:00:21.600 --> 0:00:25.000 And I do this with inspirational insights and conversations with 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:28.040 celebrities and everyday people like you and me, because if 0:00:28.040 --> 0:00:29.960 you want to be better and you want to do better, 0:00:30.520 --> 0:00:32.720 then you're going to have to be able to see better. 0:00:33.120 --> 0:00:35.720 So join me on this journey of living our best 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:39.640 lives and understanding and realizing how you are your greatest 0:00:39.720 --> 0:00:43.360 assad I want to encourage you to dream big like 0:00:43.640 --> 0:00:47.960 you got to dream big. I woke up one day, 0:00:48.440 --> 0:00:51.400 I hit my j and I was on a computer 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:53.239 and I don't know if I ever told you, but 0:00:53.360 --> 0:00:57.200 angel numbers stand out to me. And I was paying 0:00:57.200 --> 0:00:59.520 off paying something on the credit card bill and the 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:05.720 amount that I old was exactly too too too. Immediately 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:09.200 I broke into tears, not because I was sad or anything, 0:01:09.240 --> 0:01:10.920 not because I'm looking at my account. It was more 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:14.440 so because I know this God talking to me. I 0:01:14.560 --> 0:01:17.000 know that that's the universe, the realm, speaking to me. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:22.880 And then the thoughts of exceedingly and beyond, and I'm 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:27.080 just looking around. I say, God, you wouldn't have given 0:01:27.120 --> 0:01:30.640 me this vision, this passion on my heart if that's 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:35.320 not gonna come to pass. God doesn't tease to take away. 0:01:35.360 --> 0:01:39.280 God isn't slow to keep his promise. It's just that 0:01:39.480 --> 0:01:42.240 us as a people, we have to understand our patience 0:01:42.560 --> 0:01:46.040 and understand the importance of timing, but also understand the 0:01:46.080 --> 0:01:49.720 importance of dreaming big. Now, I'm not sure if you 0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:51.680 believe in God or whatever it is that you believe in, 0:01:52.680 --> 0:01:54.520 but as far as me believing in God, and God 0:01:54.560 --> 0:02:00.160 promised exceedingly and beyond. So if I'm dreaming big, give 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:03.200 us something right that sounds insane, like like I tell everybody, 0:02:03.560 --> 0:02:08.760 I'm in the big an Oprah watch too many. It 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:14.680 sounds insane, right, it sounds mind blowing, right if I 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:23.160 can fathom, do we imagine that my God said exceedingly 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:30.440 and beyond for more then what you could ever imagine, 0:02:32.240 --> 0:02:38.080 what are you dreaming for with your life? We don't 0:02:38.080 --> 0:02:43.000 have time to play small. We are all special offers 0:02:43.040 --> 0:02:46.520 here for a limited time. So if I can dream 0:02:46.600 --> 0:02:50.880 this big, right, and I think that it could be 0:02:51.280 --> 0:03:01.840 this amazing, God says exceedingly and beyond that, we're as uncomprehensible. 0:03:03.320 --> 0:03:07.760 It also reminded me at that time to say, let's 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.520 not only get out the way, dawn. You know it's frustration. 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:12.280 You know how we get irritated because we're like, oh, 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:14.359 it's not happening now, when it's gonna happen, When is 0:03:14.360 --> 0:03:18.760 it my turn? What is it somebody gonna give me something? Well, 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:22.680 you asked for a godly thing, right, you asked for 0:03:23.080 --> 0:03:28.200 exceedingly and beyond right, Who do you think that you 0:03:28.360 --> 0:03:31.840 are to figure out how God is going to fulfill 0:03:31.840 --> 0:03:34.160 the promise in your life? When the promise was just 0:03:34.240 --> 0:03:38.680 simply to dream big, The promise was simply to trust, 0:03:39.320 --> 0:03:45.520 The promise was simply to state peace. Be still, are 0:03:45.560 --> 0:03:50.480 you robbing yourself of your peace? Are you short changing 0:03:50.520 --> 0:03:56.200 yourself of your joy? I want you to dream big 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:04.520 because God said at exceedingly and be on far more 0:04:04.560 --> 0:04:11.760 than what you could ever imagine it's yours for the asking. 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:17.520 Catch it, get your right in, Mandy, right with me 0:04:17.960 --> 0:04:29.239 and get excited about Tell miss something good on, Tell 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:32.720 me that you like it? Here? You take it all. 0:04:34.160 --> 0:04:36.400 It's just me and you and you take Huh? Are 0:04:36.440 --> 0:04:39.919 your life or something? We're live? You here on? You 0:04:39.920 --> 0:04:41.520 thought it was about to be just a girl. No, 0:04:41.760 --> 0:04:45.640 we're on. Do you see how much we've upgraded? Do 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:47.359 you remember the first time you can take off the 0:04:47.400 --> 0:04:51.000 take off the full mask, put on the headphones. Put 0:04:51.040 --> 0:04:54.320 on the headphones so you can or are you what 0:04:54.360 --> 0:04:56.960 do you? Why are you whispering? You just talk about 0:04:56.960 --> 0:05:03.560 your t That's the way life is. You can't wait 0:05:03.600 --> 0:05:07.960 to show up for life. You just show up. Listen, 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.640 do you remember the first studio we were come to? 0:05:10.680 --> 0:05:13.159 The microphones? You are testing it to my dreams? Do 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:15.880 you understand that when I post this up and when 0:05:15.880 --> 0:05:18.040 I put the picture, people are gonna see me at 0:05:18.040 --> 0:05:21.640 accelerated radio plus seven plus years later. I don't even 0:05:21.640 --> 0:05:25.080 know how long? Mind you the same time that get this? 0:05:25.160 --> 0:05:27.680 So you remember how long that goal was? That Jeremiah, 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:30.359 who's running the boarder, just let you upstairs. He was 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:35.240 an intern there and working the board there and then 0:05:35.279 --> 0:05:38.480 fast forward we were online station and I'm sitting here 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:43.680 with Premiere Networks under Art Media. What don't tell me 0:05:43.720 --> 0:05:48.880 it's not possible? Right? What you say, Monty, y'all? What 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:55.000 can we not do? What can we not have? I mean, 0:05:55.040 --> 0:05:58.039 take you, for example, you came all the way from 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:01.640 Slovenia and came to America. I'm just saying for somebody 0:06:01.640 --> 0:06:05.600 that doesn't know it's possible. Just if somebody said, I 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:07.960 don't know how I'm going to get there? Do you 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:10.560 understand that your story in itself, Like I talk all 0:06:10.600 --> 0:06:13.120 this smack, I shouldn't say smack. I'll tell somebody I'm 0:06:13.120 --> 0:06:15.520 from Detroit, I went to Howard, So I went to 0:06:15.600 --> 0:06:17.960 d C, lived in New York and then came to California. 0:06:18.000 --> 0:06:20.920 That's all in one continent, or is it not? Because 0:06:20.920 --> 0:06:25.159 North America is Mexico to okay, one country. You came 0:06:25.240 --> 0:06:31.800 from another continent. What Marion? Come on, can you help 0:06:31.839 --> 0:06:36.520 save somebody today? Can you sign up? But listen, do 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.480 you understand just you searing your story, what that can 0:06:39.520 --> 0:06:42.000 do for somebody? Wait a minute, I don't know if 0:06:42.040 --> 0:06:47.360 you want to go mean like it unexpectedly happened that 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:50.960 transition from Europe to hear Oh you don't done everything 0:06:50.960 --> 0:06:55.520 that well not really wait was kind of life? Wait, 0:06:55.520 --> 0:06:57.240 wait somewhere? How did you end up? You thought you 0:06:57.240 --> 0:07:00.320 wanted to come to the States. Uh, well, know that 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:02.920 the opportunity presented to go, like to work for a 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:05.200 year and travel. So I was like meant to be 0:07:05.279 --> 0:07:08.920 like that, but then I made you know, now fifteen 0:07:08.960 --> 0:07:12.640 years later, it's a whole different story. Did you know anybody? 0:07:12.640 --> 0:07:16.520 Different life? No, wait a minute. You came to the 0:07:16.640 --> 0:07:18.920 US not knowing anybody. Did you speak English? No, I 0:07:19.040 --> 0:07:21.520 knew the family. I'm going to go work for it 0:07:21.600 --> 0:07:23.360 to take care of their kids as an OL pair. 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:26.480 Oh so you came to the States as an old pair. 0:07:27.680 --> 0:07:30.440 And if somebody doesn't know that that was here because 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:32.640 at that time wasn't like computer. We saw we had 0:07:32.680 --> 0:07:36.840 like a little video chat recorded like but just once 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:41.360 before I got here, you risked everything on a video chat. 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:44.800 Well it was through agency and you know they were 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:47.960 probably checked out and everything, you know what it was 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:51.760 the process the last a couple of months. So I 0:07:51.800 --> 0:07:56.040 mean that's not just like that, but yeah, pretty much 0:07:56.440 --> 0:07:57.960 you want to a whole other country. And did you 0:07:58.000 --> 0:07:59.760 what did you learn English while you were out here 0:08:00.000 --> 0:08:04.239 basically here mostly I had like a little basic knowledge 0:08:04.280 --> 0:08:07.960 before from school and stuff. But it wasn't much were 0:08:08.000 --> 0:08:15.480 you scared, um No, like more that's scared. Just excited 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:18.640 to see like something new, to to have a new experience. 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.480 I was just going for experience. And I always felt like, 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:23.240 if it's going to be bad, I can always pack 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:26.280 my stuff and go back home and then you know, 0:08:26.480 --> 0:08:30.440 go back to the same what. I know, Hey, you know, oh, 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:32.480 I felt it on that because that's why I'm like, 0:08:32.760 --> 0:08:34.719 you had to step into a new thing, and that's 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:36.960 why you gotta take a chance, because you already knew 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:39.440 what was back there. It was only to create something new. 0:08:39.800 --> 0:08:41.360 And you know now that I think that, just right 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:44.040 now at this moment, I'm thinking, I think I wasn't, 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:47.400 you know, because it wasn't planning, It wasn't like organized, 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:50.280 and it just happened fast and spontaneously. I didn't have 0:08:50.400 --> 0:08:54.320 time to feel the fear, you know. Just now, I'm 0:08:54.360 --> 0:08:56.120 like thinking about that. I was just going for this 0:08:56.200 --> 0:08:59.640 new adventure, you know. And I think that's called a 0:08:59.720 --> 0:09:01.600 kind of how it works, because I when you planning 0:09:01.600 --> 0:09:04.679 things too much, like you know, like in some occasions, 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.520 then you start like I personally, it happens like then 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:13.480 you start like getting scared or you know, thinking, we're thinking, 0:09:14.120 --> 0:09:16.520 seeing like the hurdles you're gonna have to go through, 0:09:16.600 --> 0:09:18.280 and oh my gosh, you really want to do that. 0:09:18.440 --> 0:09:21.040 And so I think it's kind of good to just 0:09:21.120 --> 0:09:24.040 go head on and just go for it and let's 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:27.880 just see what happens. Usually good stuff comes out of it, 0:09:28.280 --> 0:09:30.520 or at least some growth, if nothing else. To listen, 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:33.400 growth and a new experience, and growth lets you know 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:36.000 that you're alive. And when you say it experience, it 0:09:36.040 --> 0:09:40.600 reminds me of my former barber friend confidant, the homie 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:44.880 Lewis t Power. He says, the journey is the experience, 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:49.000 and the experience is the journey. And like you said, 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:50.600 when we get down to the point where we're trying 0:09:50.640 --> 0:09:53.199 to plan something, we're trying to plan an in destination 0:09:53.600 --> 0:09:56.080 and when you think about life is the journey, that's 0:09:56.120 --> 0:09:59.880 the experience. Right. So you say, I don't even have 0:09:59.880 --> 0:10:01.640 to I don't to be scared. You just said I 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:05.880 just did it. Do you regret it? No? Was it 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:09.640 the best decision of your life? I'm pretty sure what 0:10:09.679 --> 0:10:13.000 do you mean by that like the wildest because I 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:18.559 would never have opportunity to to have all these experiences 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:20.960 that are an adventures and stuff that I've had, and 0:10:21.000 --> 0:10:23.560 all the things that I've learned and people that I've met. 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:28.600 I would never have that chance staying there. And yeah, 0:10:28.679 --> 0:10:31.000 and I wouldn't you probably not have met you, but 0:10:31.040 --> 0:10:33.079 who knows. You know, work like kind of life is crazy. 0:10:33.720 --> 0:10:36.160 The world is like really small when they think about it, 0:10:36.640 --> 0:10:38.839 and especially someone like you, You've pretty much traveled the 0:10:38.880 --> 0:10:41.400 whole day on world. You know, you talked to me 0:10:41.440 --> 0:10:44.040 about it, but you have talked about recently how you 0:10:44.080 --> 0:10:46.880 put a video and you talked about in your home 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.679 country about what happened to you, and you said so 0:10:49.720 --> 0:10:51.640 many people have reached out to you to say thank 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:54.280 you for sharing your story. Can you tell me what happened? 0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:56.480 The thing was, I grew up in like a small 0:10:56.600 --> 0:11:02.319 conservative village, you know, very religious, um Catholics, now ma 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:04.440 am you gonna be? So I grew up gay and 0:11:04.480 --> 0:11:07.880 then moved to America, and I was being pretty openly 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:11.360 gay since like I'm twenty one. So I felt like 0:11:11.440 --> 0:11:14.800 just going back home and you know, revisiting my childhood 0:11:14.840 --> 0:11:18.120 and my my hometown and my country. I've noticed, you know, 0:11:18.200 --> 0:11:21.440 there's not much talk about it that things hasn't changed. 0:11:21.720 --> 0:11:25.640 People are still struggling, People are still hiding. Um, people 0:11:25.679 --> 0:11:30.320 are still putting in all LGBTQ community to shame. And 0:11:30.400 --> 0:11:34.880 you know, are people fair further lives? Well, there's like 0:11:35.040 --> 0:11:38.080 rises in suicide because people of the shame, and you know, 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:40.000 people don't want to come out and they're scared what's 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:42.280 gonna happen. They're gonna have no you know, family or 0:11:42.320 --> 0:11:46.679 friends to support them anymore. So it's I think it's 0:11:46.679 --> 0:11:50.080 pretty serious matter. What did your family and your friends 0:11:50.080 --> 0:11:56.679 support you? Um? Not? At first? My family didn't, My 0:11:56.840 --> 0:12:00.520 friends were I guess completely fens differ. What happened with 0:12:00.559 --> 0:12:03.400 your friend was a lot, but I I didn't. That's 0:12:03.440 --> 0:12:05.400 what I'm saying. I know we talked about vulnerability, and 0:12:05.400 --> 0:12:08.280 I know your story was very impactful to you, and 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:09.960 I didn't know whether or not because I would love 0:12:10.040 --> 0:12:12.120 you to share, but if you don't feel comfortable with sharing, no, 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:14.760 Because I felt like, God, what's your father, what's your family? 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:17.440 Which is whatever? I felt like I have some I 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:21.440 can bring some knowledge to it, some experience and hopefully 0:12:21.480 --> 0:12:25.000 maybe somebody will find something for themselves to learn from it, 0:12:25.120 --> 0:12:28.520 or maybe free somebody of the notion that you know, 0:12:28.600 --> 0:12:30.400 you have to live for others and you have to 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:33.240 please your family or others and hide yourself in your 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:37.319 life and not be free and truly yourself for sake 0:12:37.320 --> 0:12:41.040 of you know, what may have, what may happen, um 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.280 And I just seem like, you know, I mean meeting 0:12:43.960 --> 0:12:47.200 guys and girls in Slovenia, they were like a GBT 0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:49.760 and you know, they were struggling, and I felt like 0:12:49.840 --> 0:12:53.320 so sad for them. Oh and just seeing that, like 0:12:53.360 --> 0:12:57.160 how much they would like to be, you know, as 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.520 free with themselves as I was. And I felt like 0:13:01.000 --> 0:13:03.600 it's important to talk about it, to bring that conversation 0:13:03.640 --> 0:13:07.160 to the table and say it like it is without shame, 0:13:07.480 --> 0:13:12.520 but also explaining the background of what happens when you 0:13:12.520 --> 0:13:16.520 free yourself and what comes out of it. And so 0:13:16.600 --> 0:13:18.760 before you were able to free yourself, what was it 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:24.160 like growing up gay in Slovenia? It was tough. It 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:26.400 was tough because I was, like I was, I had 0:13:26.400 --> 0:13:29.480 like a split personality basically, and you know, when you 0:13:29.640 --> 0:13:32.080 when you live with a split personality kind of think 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:34.480 when you have like two different masks on one for 0:13:34.559 --> 0:13:37.320 the public and family and one you're hiding for yourself. 0:13:38.040 --> 0:13:41.800 It's a deep secret. Um. I think it creates you 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:44.640 a little bit like almost like bipolar. Like you know, 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:47.760 you live with stupid personalities on a daily basis day 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:50.760 and they out after many years. It can live a 0:13:50.800 --> 0:13:54.000 mark on you. You know, it's stressful, it's hard, it's painful. 0:13:54.880 --> 0:13:59.199 And so for me, I think that mass pretending mass 0:13:59.240 --> 0:14:01.880 just got to have be like I couldn't fake it anymore. 0:14:02.360 --> 0:14:04.040 So what was it like growing up in your house? 0:14:04.559 --> 0:14:08.199 So growing up was like well, for the most of 0:14:08.200 --> 0:14:10.800 our nover the new secrets, but I grew up with 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:15.959 the abusive that, Um, it was not easy. And then 0:14:16.040 --> 0:14:17.880 when that came into play, you know my gain, that's 0:14:17.920 --> 0:14:24.360 my my sexuality, that not my gayness, just my sexuality. Um, 0:14:24.400 --> 0:14:26.360 that became really light. Why did you why did you 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:30.200 between gayness and sexuality? Because I don't think there's such 0:14:30.320 --> 0:14:33.200 things like gayness. You know, like you're gay, but it's 0:14:33.200 --> 0:14:36.080 like you're it's your it's sexuality. You're just attracted to 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:38.480 the same sex or you know you love when your love. 0:14:39.200 --> 0:14:43.800 Uh So I don't even want to like label it anyway. Um. 0:14:43.840 --> 0:14:49.760 And the word game in British English actually means happy. UM. 0:14:49.880 --> 0:14:52.200 So it's just you know, with terms of your sexuality 0:14:52.280 --> 0:15:00.480 and because you were gay, you know what thought for 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:04.160 thirty I had time thirty eight years too to try 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:06.560 to figure out why my father was so abusive, why 0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:10.520 he was physically ABUSI if he was drunk. I realized, 0:15:10.560 --> 0:15:13.360 first of all, he was a hurt man. He didn't 0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:17.720 know different. And second I think he might have had 0:15:18.040 --> 0:15:21.240 wanted to beat out he thought it he'd be able 0:15:21.280 --> 0:15:26.080 to beat out the the excitement for life that I had, 0:15:26.120 --> 0:15:30.560 Like I was always I was always doing, doing my thing. 0:15:31.320 --> 0:15:32.880 I was always like what I want, I'm going to 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:35.960 go and get it, but not by crossing others, like 0:15:36.120 --> 0:15:38.560 by being nice and everybody to under still, but just 0:15:39.120 --> 0:15:41.800 I really want this for myself, and I would go. 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:45.400 And I think he he almost couldn't, like he couldn't 0:15:45.400 --> 0:15:48.680 see me like shine. And you know, I do feel 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:50.880 that I think my shine was like maybe too much 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:53.400 for him, or was like reminding him of some failures 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:58.440 or some things that he did on have and I 0:15:58.520 --> 0:16:02.200 almost wanted. That's what I feel like, um, And for 0:16:02.240 --> 0:16:05.000 somebody that is hurt that's very like kind of typical. 0:16:05.120 --> 0:16:07.200 That's what hurt people do. They try to hurt other 0:16:07.280 --> 0:16:11.200 people to feel uh, you know, comfortable with them because 0:16:11.240 --> 0:16:15.320 there's now their level, their environment where they feel more comfortable. 0:16:16.600 --> 0:16:21.400 And but yeah, it was just so so when you 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:24.560 say that. And and just because you told me that 0:16:24.600 --> 0:16:28.640 you put up this video and you shared your experience, 0:16:29.520 --> 0:16:31.680 you said it got so much that you couldn't even 0:16:31.720 --> 0:16:34.760 get on Facebook because all of the requests are going in. 0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:39.240 I want to know what did you say? Everybody is 0:16:39.240 --> 0:16:42.160 sitting here and saying what did you say? For his 0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:45.480 entire country to reach out to him on Facebook? You 0:16:45.520 --> 0:16:50.320 simply said, hey, I'm gay, my dad was abusive, and 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:57.840 now I'm free. What did you say? I've well, what 0:16:57.920 --> 0:17:01.640 I basically told this kind of in a nutshell, what 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:05.040 happened and what happened? What happened on like a last 0:17:05.119 --> 0:17:07.639 day when I was living, for example, my country, I 0:17:07.680 --> 0:17:10.280 was going to America and was partially because of my 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:14.120 situation at home, my relationship with my dad. Just life 0:17:14.320 --> 0:17:17.520 just became kind of unbearable there and I didn't see 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:21.840 myself doing things and experience things that I did that 0:17:21.880 --> 0:17:24.320 my heart desired. And I was like I just too 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:27.800 calip of faith. And when I answered this advertisement for 0:17:27.920 --> 0:17:33.560 like going to America, so on a day that I went, Um, 0:17:33.680 --> 0:17:35.520 so when I came out, they'd kicked me out. You know, 0:17:35.560 --> 0:17:37.800 my father and I never like were able to a 0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:42.879 mend our like differences. So when I left my you know, 0:17:43.000 --> 0:17:45.160 I started the story, and I knew if I started 0:17:45.280 --> 0:17:48.040 story with this, it's gonna at least brings people, like 0:17:48.680 --> 0:17:51.800 bring people in and like bring some attention to the 0:17:51.840 --> 0:17:54.400 whole thing. Because what I was like one of kind 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:58.479 of like the worst moments that transpired, but it was 0:17:58.520 --> 0:18:02.560 also another reflection of my relationship at that time with 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:06.399 my family. So I'm saying goodbye to my family, and 0:18:06.440 --> 0:18:09.439 my mom was crying, you know, letting her son go, 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:12.159 and uh, you know it was like worries south and 0:18:12.280 --> 0:18:14.960 hard for her for me to go to America, to 0:18:15.040 --> 0:18:19.240 something like strange country in the strange you know, in 0:18:19.320 --> 0:18:22.600 the far away land whatever. It was probably a huge 0:18:22.600 --> 0:18:26.160 and overwhelming for her. So my dad, my dad said 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:29.000 he didn't want to hug me or anything. He just said, um, 0:18:29.119 --> 0:18:31.760 I hope you get aids or and die, or like 0:18:31.840 --> 0:18:34.240 somebody goes and shoot you in the head. Wait, what 0:18:34.440 --> 0:18:37.960 because you wanted to leave as a good like I 0:18:38.000 --> 0:18:40.080 was leaving. I was like on the way to the airport, 0:18:40.119 --> 0:18:43.480 and I wasn't kind of his last like last words 0:18:43.520 --> 0:18:47.919 to me at that time. Um, So that kind of 0:18:47.920 --> 0:18:50.440 broke my heart for a minute. And I was like, well, 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:52.679 I'm not surprised. You know, You've been kind of like 0:18:52.800 --> 0:18:55.360 talking to me in this kind of tone all throughout 0:18:55.400 --> 0:18:58.440 my life, So I guess sadly I was used to it. 0:18:59.440 --> 0:19:03.000 Um it's not something you know, anybody should get used 0:19:03.040 --> 0:19:05.320 to it, but it just was the reality of my life. 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:07.840 And then my brother was like equalist cold, and I 0:19:07.920 --> 0:19:10.240 was like, you know, we're happy that this faghetti is 0:19:10.240 --> 0:19:14.480 out of our house, and so it was. It was 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:17.680 definitely like not the wormest goodbye, you know. And then 0:19:18.200 --> 0:19:20.560 you know, coming here living my life for fifteen years, 0:19:20.600 --> 0:19:23.200 having all the experience that I've had and coming to 0:19:23.359 --> 0:19:26.080 terms to love myself and accept myself, I was like, 0:19:26.240 --> 0:19:29.640 you know what guys like, if you do that, if 0:19:29.640 --> 0:19:33.960 you learn, if you if you find a way to 0:19:35.200 --> 0:19:38.840 break away from certain situations or patterns and you learn 0:19:38.920 --> 0:19:42.200 to build yourself up with your own you know, kind 0:19:42.200 --> 0:19:44.520 of values and morals and take something from your parents 0:19:44.520 --> 0:19:47.480 that they gave you because they weren't just bad. Nobody's 0:19:47.520 --> 0:19:50.040 just ever just bad. You know, my dad was so 0:19:50.240 --> 0:19:53.560 awesome and amazing man in so many ways. For the 0:19:53.600 --> 0:19:57.040 fact that he was, like he had so many shortcomings 0:19:57.560 --> 0:20:01.480 and so little opportunities given in his life at all. 0:20:02.480 --> 0:20:05.800 That's amazing that you can because what I'm trying to 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:08.240 understand is that you know, like sometimes you can be 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:09.800 dealing with somebody, but it's like for you to be 0:20:09.880 --> 0:20:11.880 at the young age and saying, when I say young age, 0:20:11.880 --> 0:20:15.320 I was fifteen years ago. Now for you to even 0:20:15.359 --> 0:20:18.280 have the grace to even understand, like, how do you 0:20:18.280 --> 0:20:22.040 even wrap your head around to say, I forgive my father? Now, 0:20:22.320 --> 0:20:24.879 I'm not sure you haven't shared exactly what your father 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:30.800 has said otherwise than wishing you know, well, that's huge, absolutely, 0:20:32.640 --> 0:20:36.359 I don't know. Yeah, that is um, yeah, that is 0:20:36.400 --> 0:20:38.720 when you really think of the ground there's somebody like that, 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:41.480 it's like, okay, it's like because that just leads the 0:20:41.560 --> 0:20:45.360 umbrella of what all could fall underneath when you get 0:20:45.400 --> 0:20:47.960 to that point and then you can say, hey, do 0:20:48.080 --> 0:20:51.280 you forgive your dad? I did? I did? I did? 0:20:51.840 --> 0:20:55.080 Even when I went back, I mean I went with therapy. 0:20:55.240 --> 0:20:58.320 I went through I meditated on it, that did yoga. 0:20:58.400 --> 0:21:05.000 I did things I found, um not opportunities. I found, 0:21:05.040 --> 0:21:11.359 you know, um outlets to release my pain to, you know, 0:21:11.440 --> 0:21:16.439 to to build my character strong. What was, you know, 0:21:16.600 --> 0:21:20.320 the reason I was even ready to put that video out. 0:21:20.480 --> 0:21:23.040 I found myself in a place where except myself, I 0:21:23.119 --> 0:21:26.359 love myself. I'm free to talk about it and not 0:21:26.520 --> 0:21:29.280 point fingers and not paint a picture of my dad 0:21:29.400 --> 0:21:32.560 is being that horrible batman. But just you know, it's 0:21:33.160 --> 0:21:37.639 the harshest and trick in trickasis of families are like 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:41.320 so complicated, and the levels of traumas and pain and 0:21:41.400 --> 0:21:45.000 hurt generations from generations and you know, things that are 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:47.879 embedded in our DNA is. It's so complicated and just 0:21:47.960 --> 0:21:52.080 to go and judge a person on its surface, like oh, yeah, 0:21:52.119 --> 0:21:54.359 you beat him up and you were drunkie. But but 0:21:54.400 --> 0:21:56.440 then you're like, but why he did that and what 0:21:56.520 --> 0:21:59.840 was his reasoning? And you know, and then later on 0:22:00.119 --> 0:22:02.359 I came back from stage maybe like seven eight years 0:22:02.480 --> 0:22:05.399 for the first time I saw my dad from a 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:09.240 from a different perspective and from a different point of view, 0:22:09.320 --> 0:22:11.919 and I saw him very sad and hurt. And at 0:22:12.000 --> 0:22:14.879 that point we already lost my mom to cancer, and 0:22:15.600 --> 0:22:18.680 he was so lost and broken and sad, and I 0:22:18.720 --> 0:22:21.919 found compassion for him, and for the first time, probably 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:23.720 I must have been around dirty and I said, you know, 0:22:23.800 --> 0:22:27.040 I love you. I wish you to have good rest 0:22:27.080 --> 0:22:30.280 of your life, Like you don't have to stress and 0:22:30.400 --> 0:22:33.200 worry about how I'm doing or how I'm feeling because 0:22:33.240 --> 0:22:35.639 I'm okay and I can I can take care of myself. 0:22:36.680 --> 0:22:41.040 And yeah, can I ask you a question I may 0:22:41.080 --> 0:22:44.520 be unnerving, Yeah, did you ever have thoughts of wanting 0:22:44.520 --> 0:22:48.120 to kill your father? Yeah, for most of my life, 0:22:48.160 --> 0:22:51.720 like for not to kill him, but to wish him that, 0:22:52.440 --> 0:22:54.800 to just wish him disappear, or like just not be 0:22:56.280 --> 0:22:58.360 because it was too hot, like it was too painful 0:22:58.400 --> 0:23:03.680 for a kid. I think, like, oh, I think it's 0:23:03.720 --> 0:23:05.960 a grown up, as you know, and maybe now it's 0:23:05.960 --> 0:23:08.080 a he'll grown up. It's like easier to kind of 0:23:08.119 --> 0:23:11.800 talk about these things. But remembering just as a kid, 0:23:11.920 --> 0:23:13.920 you don't have those tools, you don't have to knowledge, 0:23:13.960 --> 0:23:16.320 you don't have you don't know what to do, Like 0:23:16.400 --> 0:23:18.680 it's so painful with the person that it's closest to 0:23:18.960 --> 0:23:23.520 is hurting you and um, and you don't understand why 0:23:23.760 --> 0:23:25.800 and like and you think it's your fault and then 0:23:25.800 --> 0:23:28.080