1 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,200 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,000 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:24,880 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:29,800 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:32,919 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 7 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:37,000 Speaker 1: have you here for another episode. Today, we're going to 8 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:39,800 Speaker 1: discuss something that I think happens quite a bit in 9 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:45,839 Speaker 1: our twenties, but never really receives the same acknowledgement or 10 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,800 Speaker 1: attention that it deserves. We hear a lot about breakups, 11 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:55,440 Speaker 1: about romantic relationships that end, but what about our platonic relationships, 12 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:58,640 Speaker 1: what about our friendships? What I really want to explore 13 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:06,280 Speaker 1: today is experience of outgrowing your friends, of outgrowing relationships, 14 00:01:06,319 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 1: and why it's really natural and really normal and maybe 15 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: even a step beyond that, even beneficial in some ways 16 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:19,000 Speaker 1: to find that your childhood, high school, or university best 17 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,160 Speaker 1: friends are no longer the same people, You're no longer 18 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:26,080 Speaker 1: the same person, and noticing when it is time to 19 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:30,000 Speaker 1: move on and dealing with that experience. I think that 20 00:01:30,080 --> 00:01:32,959 Speaker 1: our idea of friendship growing up and in our late 21 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:38,960 Speaker 1: teens even early twenties is often quite unrealistic and highly romanticized. 22 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:44,959 Speaker 1: We see friendships, unlike our romantic relationships, as these everlasting 23 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:48,360 Speaker 1: relationships that are only disrupted by huge falling outs or 24 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 1: massive events that either last forever or come to an 25 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:56,400 Speaker 1: end in an instant. But as we enter our twenties, 26 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,920 Speaker 1: we can see that friendships are a lot more nuanced 27 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,360 Speaker 1: and not always black and white. Like any relationship, they 28 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:10,840 Speaker 1: can be emotionally complex and confusing, but drifting away from 29 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:14,360 Speaker 1: a friend isn't a bad thing. It's actually an entirely 30 00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,920 Speaker 1: natural part of growing up and growing into yourself. You 31 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,240 Speaker 1: don't have to feel ashamed or like you owe anyone 32 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: an explanation. It's actually fairly common, and I really want 33 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:28,280 Speaker 1: to normalize this experience. I think another lesson we are 34 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,120 Speaker 1: bound to learn in our twenties is that when it 35 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:36,680 Speaker 1: comes to friendships, quality over quantity is always the way. 36 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: I think. When I was in my early years of university, 37 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:43,640 Speaker 1: I had this tendency and need to be friends with 38 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:47,919 Speaker 1: everyone I met and maintain those relationships even when we 39 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:52,560 Speaker 1: both realized we were incompatible. It was exhausting to try 40 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:58,600 Speaker 1: and have these special moments deep conversations and vulnerability with everyone, 41 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,200 Speaker 1: even people who I knew would probably never get me. 42 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:05,240 Speaker 1: But when I began to unpack the root cause of 43 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: that habit that really I was just terrified of being 44 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 1: alone and not constantly being surrounded by people, I was able, 45 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,200 Speaker 1: I think, to become a lot more selective and really 46 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 1: pour my love and appreciation and time into the people 47 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,120 Speaker 1: and into the friendships that meant the most to me. 48 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,919 Speaker 1: The result of this was kind of a period of 49 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 1: about twelve months or so where I found that my 50 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:33,359 Speaker 1: social circle just slowly began to shrink and I naturally 51 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:35,760 Speaker 1: drifted away from a lot of these people that I 52 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,720 Speaker 1: was trying so hard to stay friends with. And that 53 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,480 Speaker 1: was really scary. I felt like I'd abandoned these friends 54 00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: and they'd abandoned me. But as when as time goes on, 55 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,440 Speaker 1: I think it gives us the hindsight and the wisdom 56 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:53,000 Speaker 1: to realize that sometimes friendships need to fizzle and end 57 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:55,920 Speaker 1: for you to find new versions of yourself and for 58 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,480 Speaker 1: you to find new people who will match your energy 59 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:03,680 Speaker 1: and identity. So today I want to break down why 60 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:08,280 Speaker 1: we outgrow our friendships, especially during this decade of huge 61 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:13,000 Speaker 1: personal growth and transformation when we can recognize that a 62 00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:17,520 Speaker 1: friendship is perhaps feeling a little bit stale or unfulfilling. 63 00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: The research the psychology behind this that concludes that this 64 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:25,400 Speaker 1: is actually a healthy experience and one that we should 65 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:29,600 Speaker 1: come to value and accept, but also discussing some of 66 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: those harder parts of this experience. You know, how to 67 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:37,320 Speaker 1: end things in a good place, how to process sometimes 68 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: even the grief for what used to be, and finally 69 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:44,960 Speaker 1: the value of solitude and how to feel comfortable with 70 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,080 Speaker 1: being alone as we outgrow certain people in our twenties. 71 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 1: I think that's a pretty general fear that as we age, 72 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:56,279 Speaker 1: we're going to become more isolated and these large networks 73 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,880 Speaker 1: will disappear. So what we do is we maintain relationships 74 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,520 Speaker 1: with people out of habit and out of fear, even 75 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,640 Speaker 1: when we know that we've outgrown each other. Firstly, I 76 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: don't think that that's necessarily accurate, that you know, we'll 77 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,719 Speaker 1: never have more friends than we have in our twenties, 78 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:15,919 Speaker 1: But that fear also highlights an important skill that we 79 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:20,120 Speaker 1: need to prioritize during this decade, which is the ability 80 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:24,679 Speaker 1: to enjoy time spent alone and in our own company 81 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,719 Speaker 1: and learn to walk away from the relationships that don't 82 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: serve us and let other people do the same. So 83 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:37,000 Speaker 1: let's get into it and discuss the nuances and explanations 84 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:47,960 Speaker 1: behind why we grow our friendships. I think it goes 85 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,360 Speaker 1: without saying that friendships are some of the most valuable 86 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,880 Speaker 1: relationships that we will experience in life, and good friends 87 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,320 Speaker 1: they are even more valuable. They improve our mental and 88 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: physical health. You know. A twenty seventeen study found that 89 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:08,320 Speaker 1: close friendships are a huge predictor of improved mental health, 90 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:13,440 Speaker 1: cognitive functioning, and even reduced anxiety and stress levels. You know. 91 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:19,719 Speaker 1: Friendship literally has a psychological capacity to change our bodies 92 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:23,600 Speaker 1: and to change our brains for the better. But friendship 93 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:27,479 Speaker 1: is not always black and white, and it's very natural 94 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:30,040 Speaker 1: to find that the older we get, the more of 95 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:34,200 Speaker 1: our friendships we tend to outgrow. There are many reasons 96 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:37,080 Speaker 1: why we find that a friendship that used to be 97 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:42,520 Speaker 1: the perfect fit, full of special moments and compatibility, has 98 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: suddenly changed and it's no longer right for us in 99 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:50,240 Speaker 1: our current period of life. Often it's a slow realization 100 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:55,520 Speaker 1: brought on by distance or change in circumstances, where we 101 00:06:55,640 --> 00:07:00,520 Speaker 1: gradually come to realize that what once was is longer, 102 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,760 Speaker 1: and we may be holding on just for the sake 103 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:07,240 Speaker 1: of nostalgia or even the expectation that it will somehow 104 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: go back to the way it was. But the thing 105 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:14,080 Speaker 1: that makes outgrowing friendships so natural and normal is that 106 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:18,000 Speaker 1: it aligns with those changes and moments. Or we are 107 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:23,000 Speaker 1: outgrowing old versions of ourselves and with that the relationships 108 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: that were part of that former identity. As we grow up, 109 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:30,360 Speaker 1: as we age, we will inevitably shift and change. We 110 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:34,400 Speaker 1: will take on new hobbies and attitudes, beliefs, jobs, We 111 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:39,760 Speaker 1: will experience significant life transitions, meet new people, all of 112 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,239 Speaker 1: these things and more, and that person you were five 113 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:47,000 Speaker 1: years ago, part of that person no longer exists, or 114 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: it's been replaced by something newer and more aligned with 115 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 1: who you are in this moment, in this time. I 116 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,880 Speaker 1: think that's one of the things that keeps life from 117 00:07:55,920 --> 00:08:01,320 Speaker 1: being boring is knowing that we are constantly shifting into 118 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 1: a deeper, different, but hopefully more mature version of ourselves, 119 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:09,480 Speaker 1: and that we can reinvent ourselves and try new things 120 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,680 Speaker 1: at any time, especially in our twenties, when this is 121 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:17,720 Speaker 1: not only permissible but highly encouraged by our society. Whilst 122 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: we're on this journey. The people in our life are 123 00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:25,720 Speaker 1: going through the exact same process, and they are changing 124 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,520 Speaker 1: in their own way and in their own direction, and 125 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: sometimes those changes are not occurring in parallel, which leads 126 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:37,760 Speaker 1: to a distance forming in our friendships, especially when the 127 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,280 Speaker 1: things that you once bonded over and shared, like your 128 00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:44,880 Speaker 1: uni coourse or workplace or sports team that you played for, 129 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,840 Speaker 1: they're no longer strong enough to bring you together and 130 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 1: to create those shared experiences and closeness that is the 131 00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:57,480 Speaker 1: pillar of every friendship. That's part of life, sad and 132 00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:01,240 Speaker 1: painful as it may be. And even if you find 133 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 1: that your relationship and that your friendship with someone isn't 134 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 1: necessarily over, it may have faded a bit and lost 135 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,319 Speaker 1: some of that deepness and connection you formerly had, and 136 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,440 Speaker 1: that it's okay. It's a sign of growth, a sign 137 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,440 Speaker 1: of development, the sign of a new chapter for both 138 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 1: of you. There are some crucial things that can really 139 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,120 Speaker 1: alter the course of a friendship, most of which are 140 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 1: linked to those lifestyle and value changes we were speaking 141 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,959 Speaker 1: too earlier. The first big one that I've noticed, maybe 142 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:37,320 Speaker 1: you've noticed this as well, is distance, something that becomes 143 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,240 Speaker 1: so much more commonplace the deeper we get into our 144 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,720 Speaker 1: twenties is that people move away from the places where 145 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: you once met and settled. So a friend made this 146 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,040 Speaker 1: observation to me the other day, and I thought it 147 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 1: was brilliant that a sign of adulthood is having friends 148 00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:56,120 Speaker 1: in multiple cities across the world, because after we graduate 149 00:09:56,200 --> 00:10:00,040 Speaker 1: high school and then UNI, people are inevitably going to 150 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:04,880 Speaker 1: scatter across every country across the world, and you can 151 00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,080 Speaker 1: knowla kind of no longer kind of you know, pop 152 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,439 Speaker 1: into their house down the street anymore, or see them 153 00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:15,360 Speaker 1: in class, and that distance it changes dynamics. Because closeness 154 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:20,720 Speaker 1: and familiarity are the core pillar of friendship, and those 155 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:25,320 Speaker 1: things are often supported by things like physical proximity and convenience. 156 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: It becomes harder to be part of each other's daily lives, 157 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:35,080 Speaker 1: daily routines, daily conversations, and you're obviously bound to grow 158 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:39,240 Speaker 1: apart a little bit. This doesn't necessarily mean that you need, 159 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,400 Speaker 1: you know, you need to call time of death on 160 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 1: the friendship. Some of my best friends, my closest friends, 161 00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: are people who I rarely see in person. You know, 162 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:52,080 Speaker 1: we all went to UNI together in Canberra, and then 163 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:57,160 Speaker 1: one by one they've moved on to Melbourne, Tasmania, London, Darwin, 164 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 1: all over the place. But the friendships have survived and 165 00:11:00,720 --> 00:11:04,160 Speaker 1: continued to flourish because we still share so many of 166 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 1: the same values and have that unconditional love and support 167 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,920 Speaker 1: for each other and really enjoy the time that we 168 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:15,199 Speaker 1: do spend with each other. It's not necessarily just distanced 169 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 1: that causes you to grow apart, but other more nuanced factors. 170 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,760 Speaker 1: One of those is the entrance of serious romantic partners. 171 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:28,200 Speaker 1: When we're single, our friendships are our primary relationship, the 172 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:31,760 Speaker 1: person we go to for everything, who we share all 173 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 1: the good and bad of our life with, and in 174 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:39,440 Speaker 1: a decade of instability and often a desired separation from 175 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:42,520 Speaker 1: our parents and families, we move away from our hometowns, 176 00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:45,960 Speaker 1: we are really trying to separate our child identity and 177 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:50,160 Speaker 1: build an adult identity. Our friends become family. Those are 178 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,800 Speaker 1: the ones that we are closest to. But when we 179 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:57,360 Speaker 1: begin dating people, especially more seriously, you make a trade 180 00:11:57,360 --> 00:12:01,160 Speaker 1: off with spending time with your friends to spend time 181 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:05,040 Speaker 1: with your partner, because you know you're probably obsessed with 182 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:08,160 Speaker 1: each other. You're getting to know everything about them, You're 183 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: wanting to spend every day in their presence, and that's 184 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 1: not a bad thing, and it's not as if you've 185 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,880 Speaker 1: abandoned your friends, at least not in most instances. It's 186 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,000 Speaker 1: just that we only have a number of hours in 187 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,920 Speaker 1: our weeks and in our days, and the entrance of 188 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:25,839 Speaker 1: a new primary relationship is going to take up more 189 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,200 Speaker 1: of that time, and more of that time that we 190 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:32,880 Speaker 1: previously reserved for friends. I have friends who are absolutely 191 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 1: amazing balancing their romantic partners and their friendships, but no 192 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 1: matter what, the dynamic is going to shift, and with that, 193 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,080 Speaker 1: sometimes that closeness is also lost. It doesn't mean that 194 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,520 Speaker 1: they're a shitty friend or that you're a shitty friend. 195 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,439 Speaker 1: It's just how life goes as we get older and 196 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,120 Speaker 1: begin having more serious relationships. You know, we all know 197 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,040 Speaker 1: what it's like to lose a friend to a partner, 198 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,280 Speaker 1: and it probably won't be the last time, and it's 199 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,640 Speaker 1: not something that they need to be shamed for or 200 00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:06,320 Speaker 1: need to be made to feel bad for. It's just 201 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:09,880 Speaker 1: part of growing up. It's enjoying a new period and 202 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: chapter of life. This links really perfectly with the other 203 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:19,800 Speaker 1: major factor and life change that we observe, which is 204 00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 1: that our priorities begin to differ and with that our values, 205 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:29,600 Speaker 1: our attitudes, and what we enjoy doing. Like I mentioned before, 206 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:35,720 Speaker 1: psychology explains that we often become bonded with people through 207 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:41,559 Speaker 1: similar shared experiences. These experiences, they create a shared narrative 208 00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,400 Speaker 1: that both people can tap into, and it also imitates 209 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:50,920 Speaker 1: similarity and interpersonal compatibility because they've been through or are 210 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,600 Speaker 1: currently experiencing the same things that you are. And from 211 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,680 Speaker 1: that you have conversation topics. You have people that you 212 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:02,120 Speaker 1: mutually know, perhaps gossip, that you can share, priorities that 213 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:06,480 Speaker 1: are aligned, and that is normally the foundation for your relationship. 214 00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:11,160 Speaker 1: The example that I always think of is the difference 215 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,839 Speaker 1: in the dynamic of our friendships in our very early 216 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:19,320 Speaker 1: twenties versus our late twenties, mainly due to factors like context. 217 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,680 Speaker 1: When I was in my early days at UNI, I 218 00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:23,640 Speaker 1: am not proud to say it, but my days were 219 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:28,160 Speaker 1: consumed by partying until two am, waking up at eleven, 220 00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,760 Speaker 1: studying super hard, hanging out with the same people doing 221 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:36,520 Speaker 1: stupid things, and then partying again, rinse and repeat. And 222 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: most of us were in the same boat. We had 223 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,680 Speaker 1: just moved out of home. We had this incredible freedom, 224 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,840 Speaker 1: but also this common purpose to study, to get good 225 00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:49,640 Speaker 1: grades and to graduate. That discreete period of time brought 226 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 1: us closer because we were going through the same thing 227 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,240 Speaker 1: and we had the same priority. But now a lot 228 00:14:57,280 --> 00:15:00,680 Speaker 1: of us have jobs. We can't afford the time and 229 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: energy to party the same way we did, to drink 230 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,480 Speaker 1: the way we did. But we also have a lot 231 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,720 Speaker 1: less free time because most of us have structured lives 232 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 1: with nine to five jobs and chores and obligations and partners, 233 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:16,480 Speaker 1: and we also have a different priority. You know, we've graduated, 234 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,400 Speaker 1: we've moved on. However, there are some people I know 235 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:22,200 Speaker 1: who didn't give up that lifestyle, or they're still studying 236 00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:25,720 Speaker 1: whilst you know, I'm out here working my corporate job 237 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:29,040 Speaker 1: and only drinking on weekends. That's fine, it's just that 238 00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:33,160 Speaker 1: our priorities are no longer aligned. And further to that, 239 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:38,160 Speaker 1: those lessons that we all kind of had, we've taken 240 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:42,520 Speaker 1: away different things from those lessons. We've taken away different 241 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 1: lessons from those experiences, and that's created different values, different attitudes, expectations, 242 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:55,040 Speaker 1: and with that diverging identity that is no longer singularly 243 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:58,800 Speaker 1: centered on our identity, as you know, chaotic university students 244 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: with the same kind of priorities. That is a natural 245 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,120 Speaker 1: part of growing up. It's not something that is anyone's fault. 246 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: You cannot remain stagnant your whole life just because you're 247 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:13,280 Speaker 1: not willing to outgrow people. And it seems like a 248 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: hard trade off, but there are you know, it also 249 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 1: does come a point where we can't help but change, 250 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 1: and with that, the dynamics of our relationships, of our 251 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: friendships are going to change as well. You may also 252 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:31,720 Speaker 1: have friends who have had kids super early, or they 253 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,960 Speaker 1: have decided to travel the world whilst you've taken maybe 254 00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:38,720 Speaker 1: a more slow or scenic route, And what you may 255 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 1: find as a result is that each week, each month, 256 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: it gets a little bit harder to find things to 257 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,120 Speaker 1: talk about, a little bit harder to keep in touch 258 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,720 Speaker 1: with all that's going on in both of your lives. 259 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: And one day you realize, you know, you really don't 260 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,720 Speaker 1: know each other anymore, and in that moment, you don't 261 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,760 Speaker 1: need to artificially try and reignite that friendship. Sometimes it's 262 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:03,040 Speaker 1: just best to let life run its course, to cherish 263 00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,000 Speaker 1: the memories and move on. You never know when they're 264 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:07,800 Speaker 1: going to come back into your life. You never know 265 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 1: if it's going to be naturally rekindled, and you'll find 266 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: that your paths cross again. There's a saying that I love, 267 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:18,600 Speaker 1: and it's that people are in your life for a season, 268 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:24,640 Speaker 1: a reason, or a lifetime. That phrase is so comforting 269 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:29,280 Speaker 1: to me. But sometimes we put people into the wrong category, 270 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:32,080 Speaker 1: and they put us into the wrong category as well. 271 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,920 Speaker 1: You think it's forever that your soul mates and forever bonded, 272 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,920 Speaker 1: and then one of your moves or gets married or 273 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,200 Speaker 1: decides to travel the world, and all these things bring 274 00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:45,359 Speaker 1: new experiences that you just can't relate to anymore, and 275 00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:47,439 Speaker 1: you realize that it was just for a season, it 276 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,239 Speaker 1: was just for a reason, not for a lifetime. And 277 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,359 Speaker 1: I think all of these previous events or experiences they 278 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,119 Speaker 1: relate to what I call the fizzle. It's kind of 279 00:17:56,119 --> 00:17:59,080 Speaker 1: like a slow burnout of the relationship rather than a 280 00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:04,000 Speaker 1: relationship break up, which is often violent and a traumatic 281 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,439 Speaker 1: departure of a friend from our lives due to a 282 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:10,959 Speaker 1: big fooling out miscommunication or just all outghosting. So I 283 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,800 Speaker 1: want to kind of explain that difference a little bit more, 284 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,919 Speaker 1: the difference between a fizzle and you know when you 285 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:20,280 Speaker 1: really need to be like, Okay, this relationship has turned sour, 286 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:23,120 Speaker 1: it's turned a little bit toxic. We should probably cut 287 00:18:23,119 --> 00:18:25,240 Speaker 1: each other off. I think that's different to signs that 288 00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 1: you're drifting, and it's important to recognize when it might 289 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 1: be time to just be honest with yourself about whether 290 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:35,040 Speaker 1: that person is a season friend or a reason friend. 291 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: In my own experiences, these are some of the biggest 292 00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:43,480 Speaker 1: indicators that a friendship is kind of moving more towards 293 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:48,040 Speaker 1: a casual relationship or an acquaintance. Firstly, your friendship is 294 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:52,600 Speaker 1: rooted in the past. All you talk about things that 295 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 1: have already happened, either from a place of nostalgia or bitterness. 296 00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:59,879 Speaker 1: You know, if you're unable to move on from talking 297 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,800 Speaker 1: about certain friends or partners, or people who have hurt you, 298 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:07,200 Speaker 1: or your high school days, or recounting the same events 299 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,679 Speaker 1: over and over again, maybe it's time to realize that 300 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:15,520 Speaker 1: your friendship has somewhat lost its spark. Our minds should 301 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:17,800 Speaker 1: always be turned to the future, at least that's what 302 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,480 Speaker 1: I believe. So if you find that you always regress 303 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:24,159 Speaker 1: to a previous version of yourself when you're in the 304 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,920 Speaker 1: presence of someone, it may indicate that the relationship isn't 305 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:33,480 Speaker 1: growing at the same pace as you are. Secondly, you 306 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:36,640 Speaker 1: find that you don't have much in common anymore. You 307 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:41,080 Speaker 1: struggle to find things to talk about. You feel nervous 308 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:43,639 Speaker 1: when you make plans with them because you're worried that 309 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,000 Speaker 1: it will be awkward. Maybe even you plan a list 310 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 1: of conversation topics. I've done that before. For sure. You 311 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:54,679 Speaker 1: just don't have anything in common. That's entirely normal. We 312 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,240 Speaker 1: are not frozen in time at the time that we 313 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:01,879 Speaker 1: met someone, and our life paths abound to diverge, not always, 314 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 1: of course, but you know, when you start to find 315 00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:05,840 Speaker 1: that you really can't talk the way you used to, 316 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,240 Speaker 1: that you no longer have those shared experiences and values, 317 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,640 Speaker 1: maybe it's just best to let both of you move on. 318 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,120 Speaker 1: The next indicator is a huge one, and I think 319 00:20:18,119 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: it's one that we can all relate to. It's when 320 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,959 Speaker 1: you no longer feel energized or excited around them, or 321 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:28,800 Speaker 1: excited to see them. Friendship should leave us feeling excited 322 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,560 Speaker 1: by life. They should leave us feeling scene and confident, 323 00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,840 Speaker 1: and above all else, energized and enthused. That's a nonnegotiable. 324 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,280 Speaker 1: That is a complete non negotiable. For me, Yes, there 325 00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:43,840 Speaker 1: are going to be times when one of you may 326 00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: be struggling. It might not be as exciting as you 327 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,560 Speaker 1: would like. You're offering more emotional support. That's okay, but 328 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaker 1: you know, the status quo should always be that you 329 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:58,000 Speaker 1: feel better leaving an interaction with a friend than before 330 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,600 Speaker 1: you saw them. But if you're finding that you're leaving 331 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,840 Speaker 1: a situation feeling really drained, maybe even feeling worse about yourself, 332 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: that's obviously not a great sign, but it is a 333 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,719 Speaker 1: sign of something, and that is that you might be 334 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:15,399 Speaker 1: outgrowing one another. The final indicator I guess is that 335 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:19,879 Speaker 1: the friendship has become one sided. This may not be 336 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,720 Speaker 1: a sign that you are outgrowing a friend, but maybe 337 00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:26,439 Speaker 1: that they are outgrowing you. That feeling always sucks. It 338 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:29,479 Speaker 1: can be really painful, especially if you're not on the 339 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:33,800 Speaker 1: same page. But you don't want to maintain any relationship 340 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,719 Speaker 1: that is one sided or in which you have to 341 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 1: beg someone for their attention and their time. Maybe you're 342 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:43,080 Speaker 1: finding that you're always the one making plants whilst they 343 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,560 Speaker 1: always reschedule or it takes ages for them to get 344 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,439 Speaker 1: back to you. They never have time to see you. 345 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:53,240 Speaker 1: They always seem to prioritize their other friendships. It's a 346 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,760 Speaker 1: hard pill to swallow that maybe at that stage, you're 347 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,800 Speaker 1: better off connecting with people who value you for who 348 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,240 Speaker 1: you are, where you are in life, and what you 349 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:08,600 Speaker 1: can bring, rather than trying to dig deeper into a 350 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:13,840 Speaker 1: friendship that's kind of gone stale or gone silent. I 351 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:16,400 Speaker 1: think that final experience can be really tough, and I'm 352 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,200 Speaker 1: sorry if you're going through that, and you know, moving 353 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,240 Speaker 1: on from friends, finding that your relationship has changed, It's 354 00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:26,160 Speaker 1: not always a pleasant experience or one that comes naturally. 355 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,840 Speaker 1: So I really want to discuss or what you do next, 356 00:22:30,119 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: why this experience can be so hard, and how to 357 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: embrace your solitude, maybe even your loneliness or whilst you're 358 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,680 Speaker 1: in between chapters of your life and kind of see 359 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:46,120 Speaker 1: it as an opportunity to really reconnect with yourself and 360 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:49,120 Speaker 1: maybe make better friends, maybe make friends with people who 361 00:22:49,119 --> 00:22:52,280 Speaker 1: are more suited to you, all of that in just 362 00:22:52,600 --> 00:23:02,720 Speaker 1: a second. The realization we are outgrowing friends is not 363 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,880 Speaker 1: always an enjoyable experience. I feel like I don't even 364 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:09,399 Speaker 1: need to say that. It can leave us feeling kind 365 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: of lonely and also guilty as if we've done something 366 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:19,760 Speaker 1: wrong or abandoned someone. It's an emotionally complex realization, but 367 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:25,000 Speaker 1: you cannot possibly keep every friend you've ever had. Imagine 368 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,720 Speaker 1: if you were still best friends with everyone that you've 369 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:30,640 Speaker 1: met since childhood, you wouldn't have a room for any 370 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:36,480 Speaker 1: new relationships. Sometimes losing one person makes room for someone 371 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,920 Speaker 1: who is better suited for you and where you are 372 00:23:39,359 --> 00:23:42,800 Speaker 1: in your life right now. Psychology has a lot to 373 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:46,840 Speaker 1: say about the experience of outgrowing someone and perhaps losing 374 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 1: a close friend. A lot of the intense emotions they 375 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:57,120 Speaker 1: derive from the closeness you once had and how our 376 00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 1: brain responds to this, and it's very similar to the 377 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,040 Speaker 1: grief process that follows a death, because our relationships are 378 00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,760 Speaker 1: very valuable in core parts of our identity, so their 379 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:13,280 Speaker 1: absence does bring emotional pain. Like I said, moving on 380 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: from a friendship it involves a similar grief cycle to 381 00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:22,440 Speaker 1: death because it comes with recognizing that your former friend 382 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 1: is no longer part of your life. They can't be 383 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,359 Speaker 1: called on in an instant, they won't be there for 384 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:32,199 Speaker 1: those core moments and milestones in your life, and that 385 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:35,399 Speaker 1: you're going to have to move on. When we see 386 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:39,639 Speaker 1: someone every day or regularly for a period of time, 387 00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:44,920 Speaker 1: our neurons become wide around their presence. We enjoy their company, 388 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,320 Speaker 1: and you know, when we are having a hard day, 389 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:51,000 Speaker 1: we call them. Something importance happens there. I'll go to. 390 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 1: These repeated experiences, these repeated pleasant experiences. They facilitate nerve 391 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,560 Speaker 1: growth and can actions between our sign apses, which are 392 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:05,760 Speaker 1: the tiny kind of roads that create maps through our brain. 393 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:11,120 Speaker 1: And these relationships become integrated into how our brain processes 394 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:15,800 Speaker 1: the world and responds to certain events or experiences. So 395 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:20,720 Speaker 1: when those relationships begin to fizzle, our brain cannot respond 396 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,159 Speaker 1: as it has previously, and this causes that sense of 397 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:27,960 Speaker 1: confusion and that sense of hurt. As a result, we 398 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:32,280 Speaker 1: may find that outgrowing a friendship involves a similar five 399 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:38,040 Speaker 1: stage process to grief. Firstly, there's denial, you deny that 400 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 1: everything is fine, that you've just misinterpreted some of the signs, 401 00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:46,640 Speaker 1: that it's just growing pains, everything's all right. And then 402 00:25:46,640 --> 00:25:51,120 Speaker 1: there's anger at yourself, at them. It may involve lashing 403 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:55,560 Speaker 1: out and frustration at the other person, especially if you 404 00:25:55,680 --> 00:26:01,160 Speaker 1: feel abandoned or wounded by the experience. Next comes bargaining 405 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:05,480 Speaker 1: or attempts to reverse the process and bring you back together. 406 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:10,000 Speaker 1: By trying to replicate that form of closeness and artificially 407 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:14,520 Speaker 1: create reasons to hang out more and create inorganic shared experiences. 408 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,160 Speaker 1: It might also be things like, oh, you know, if 409 00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,560 Speaker 1: me and this person stay friends, I won't make any 410 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:24,359 Speaker 1: new friends. Or I'll pray every day, or I'll be 411 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,840 Speaker 1: the nicest person ever, like I promise to be kind, 412 00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,320 Speaker 1: I promise to always be there for them just as 413 00:26:29,359 --> 00:26:32,880 Speaker 1: long as we're still in each other's lives. Of course, 414 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:37,439 Speaker 1: that rarely works, if not ever, if a friendship is 415 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:39,199 Speaker 1: truly on the way out. You know, I saw this 416 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:42,680 Speaker 1: quote the other day that when the universe knows that 417 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,920 Speaker 1: you two shouldn't be together, that you shouldn't have a relationship, 418 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,879 Speaker 1: it will create circumstances and situations that will make that 419 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:55,120 Speaker 1: apparent to you until you realize. Obviously, like we've said, 420 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,840 Speaker 1: that's a hard pill to swallow, and realizing that may 421 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:04,480 Speaker 1: involve a sense of depression and isolation or even overwhelming 422 00:27:04,520 --> 00:27:07,879 Speaker 1: sadness because it feels like a loss. It is a loss, 423 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,720 Speaker 1: but sometimes that's just the way that life goes. You 424 00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:14,119 Speaker 1: have to go through hard things to enter into a 425 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,000 Speaker 1: new chapter to see the other side. And after all 426 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:21,720 Speaker 1: that has passed. We arrive at a place of acceptance. 427 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,640 Speaker 1: As you come to terms with reality and understand that 428 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,560 Speaker 1: life will go on. You will make new friends, you 429 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:35,000 Speaker 1: will find other fulfilling connections. From personal experience, I've seen 430 00:27:35,119 --> 00:27:39,960 Speaker 1: how this process goes and can definitely confirm that it 431 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:44,880 Speaker 1: is a real thing. Sometimes, especially with that anger, when 432 00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,800 Speaker 1: we recognize things changing in our relationships, our first instinct 433 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,720 Speaker 1: can be to lash out and act from a place 434 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,520 Speaker 1: of rage, anger, or even abandonment. I know that can 435 00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 1: feel like our most natural response. We don't like feeling 436 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:06,080 Speaker 1: abandoned or unseen or rejected, especially by those close to us. 437 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,399 Speaker 1: But I would really implore you to take some time 438 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:16,359 Speaker 1: to step back and consider the situation rationally. Things like 439 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:21,400 Speaker 1: distance or significant life changes, they don't always have to 440 00:28:21,480 --> 00:28:25,680 Speaker 1: mean the end of a friendship. Sometimes it just means change. 441 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:30,240 Speaker 1: Don't rush to completely cut someone off, or don't rush 442 00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:34,480 Speaker 1: to yell at them to be angry at them. See 443 00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,200 Speaker 1: if you can find a way forward and take time 444 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,880 Speaker 1: to adjust to you and your friends new circumstances. But 445 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,480 Speaker 1: if you realize that it's just not happening for either 446 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,240 Speaker 1: of you, that the growth you've both experienced has created 447 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:52,440 Speaker 1: too much of a divide. Try and end things kindly 448 00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,960 Speaker 1: from a place of love and from a place of grace, 449 00:28:56,560 --> 00:29:00,520 Speaker 1: by acknowledging that things are different, and still making time 450 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,120 Speaker 1: for them even if you would like to for when 451 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,680 Speaker 1: they do want to see you, even if it's less regularly, 452 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:09,240 Speaker 1: but also just letting life take its course without rage, 453 00:29:09,720 --> 00:29:14,400 Speaker 1: without emotional outbursts, without anger, You never know if things 454 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: will change and you'll come back together in the future 455 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,280 Speaker 1: if you just need some time apart, so you don't 456 00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,120 Speaker 1: want to burn any bridges before you have to. And 457 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 1: I think the other thing to do is treat you 458 00:29:24,360 --> 00:29:28,160 Speaker 1: alone time. Your solitude is sacred. I think I spoke 459 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 1: about this earlier, but sometimes we can find that we 460 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:36,160 Speaker 1: learn a lot in our own company, and that often 461 00:29:36,200 --> 00:29:38,920 Speaker 1: comes after we realize that we've outgrown people in our life. 462 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,120 Speaker 1: Maybe we're holding onto those relationships because we don't want 463 00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 1: to be alone. I think we often have a tendency 464 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:50,480 Speaker 1: to feel empty space with social interaction, which can leave 465 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:55,120 Speaker 1: us feeling more drained and exhausted. But solitude gives us 466 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: time to reflect, It gives us time to think about 467 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,640 Speaker 1: what we want. It can allow us to be more 468 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:07,880 Speaker 1: independent and autonomous, to love ourselves. Deeply treating yourself like 469 00:30:07,920 --> 00:30:11,800 Speaker 1: your own best friend. It's life changing. It's something I've 470 00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:14,640 Speaker 1: been trying to practice more and I found that it's 471 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:18,200 Speaker 1: opened me up to more opportunities and really made me 472 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,719 Speaker 1: love myself more and be more selective with the friends 473 00:30:21,760 --> 00:30:24,400 Speaker 1: they do choose to have. If I want to go 474 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,840 Speaker 1: do something, if I want to go to a new restaurant, 475 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,760 Speaker 1: go to a movie, visit a beautiful lake, or do 476 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:33,840 Speaker 1: a beautiful hike, I can do it by myself and 477 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:37,560 Speaker 1: still have an amazing time. And it's made me value 478 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:42,440 Speaker 1: the time spent with friends, spent with good friends even more. 479 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:48,560 Speaker 1: Take it slow and try to integrate more solitary activities 480 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,520 Speaker 1: into your daily routine, or push yourself to go to 481 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:55,719 Speaker 1: things alone, to go outside your comfort zone, instead of 482 00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:59,040 Speaker 1: calling on friends that you actually don't enjoy time with 483 00:30:59,160 --> 00:31:01,320 Speaker 1: that you know you don't have that connection with anymore. 484 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:05,320 Speaker 1: I think in those moments where we force ourselves to 485 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:08,200 Speaker 1: do things that are scary and not convenient, and especially 486 00:31:08,240 --> 00:31:11,760 Speaker 1: to do things alone, life really surprises you and you'll 487 00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:17,680 Speaker 1: see some amazing self development and growth. Finally, I think 488 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:21,200 Speaker 1: it goes without saying, but one of the major benefits 489 00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:25,040 Speaker 1: of outgrowing friends, as hard as it may be, is 490 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:29,320 Speaker 1: the opportunity it presents to meet some new, amazing people 491 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:33,520 Speaker 1: you haven't yet met. All the people you will love 492 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:37,240 Speaker 1: in your life. There will be more souls that touch 493 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:43,280 Speaker 1: you deeply, more laughter, more bonding experiences, more adventures, more 494 00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:47,840 Speaker 1: people out there who will connect deeply with you. So 495 00:31:47,920 --> 00:31:52,120 Speaker 1: don't let your fear of loneliness hold you back from 496 00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:56,160 Speaker 1: self discovery and from moving on. It's so much more 497 00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:00,200 Speaker 1: worthwhile to be alone for a while and to egg 498 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 1: space for new relationships that are perhaps more fulfilling, than 499 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:07,720 Speaker 1: to hold on to friendships that no longer serve you. 500 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:11,200 Speaker 1: I think that's all we have time for today. Thank 501 00:32:11,240 --> 00:32:14,760 Speaker 1: you so much for tuning in for this episode. I 502 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:17,720 Speaker 1: really enjoyed it. It's something I talk a lot about 503 00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:22,120 Speaker 1: with my friends and even with my parents and people 504 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:26,200 Speaker 1: I know that outgrowing friendships is super normal. It doesn't 505 00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:28,600 Speaker 1: need to come with shame, it doesn't need to come 506 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:31,760 Speaker 1: with blame or stigma. It's just part of growing up. 507 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:34,440 Speaker 1: And it's so interesting talking to my parents about this, 508 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 1: who have been through that experience. Obviously they're a lot older, 509 00:32:39,280 --> 00:32:41,240 Speaker 1: and really confirm that to me and be like as 510 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:43,400 Speaker 1: long as you end things in a place of grace 511 00:32:43,440 --> 00:32:45,600 Speaker 1: and in a place of love, you never know if 512 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,440 Speaker 1: someone's going to show up in your life again and 513 00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:51,720 Speaker 1: you can rekindle that relationship. So it's just a really 514 00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 1: interesting topic. I think it's something that's super supernatural and 515 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,160 Speaker 1: super normal. So I hope that if you are in 516 00:32:57,200 --> 00:33:00,440 Speaker 1: a place right now where maybe you're lonely or you're 517 00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:04,000 Speaker 1: feeling really down on yourself because you're at this point 518 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 1: where you are outgrowing old friendships, that you have some 519 00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:11,360 Speaker 1: grace and kindness towards yourself and are able to recognize 520 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,920 Speaker 1: that the only thing it will do is open up 521 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 1: new opportunities to spend time alone and to meet new people. 522 00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:21,160 Speaker 1: So thank you so much for listening, Thank you so 523 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,680 Speaker 1: much for tuning in. If you enjoyed this episode and 524 00:33:24,760 --> 00:33:27,200 Speaker 1: you feel cool to do so, please feel free to 525 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:31,840 Speaker 1: leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever 526 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,800 Speaker 1: you are listening right now. It really helps the show 527 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:39,760 Speaker 1: crow helps it reach new audiences. Maybe share this episode 528 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,800 Speaker 1: with a friend who needs to hear this. And if 529 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:45,320 Speaker 1: you want to hear more about the show, you want 530 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,880 Speaker 1: firsthand updates, you want to know what's coming next, Things 531 00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:53,000 Speaker 1: like merch upcoming guests. Please feel free to follow me 532 00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:57,240 Speaker 1: at that Psychology Podcast on Instagram. It's a great place 533 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:00,360 Speaker 1: to connect if you have episode suggestions, I also very 534 00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,040 Speaker 1: much welcome them there. So thank you so much for 535 00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:05,240 Speaker 1: your time today, thank you for listening, thank you for 536 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:08,640 Speaker 1: tuning in, and I will be back next week with 537 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:09,520 Speaker 1: another episode.