Speaker 1: Cadeem real talk. The only reason why we still together
Speaker 1: is because my family. I don't know to reil you.
Speaker 1: Oh shut because if I told my mother how you
Speaker 1: that is all lives. Listen. You don't understand. But your
Speaker 1: mom and I we have an unspoken just gaze because
Speaker 1: she understands my plan and I understand hers. She raised
Speaker 1: you for eighteen years and I had the next eighteen.
Speaker 1: All right, so out you don't raise nothing. You may
Speaker 1: get the raised, or you gonna get the raised. I
Speaker 1: have had significantly better relationships with my family when I
Speaker 1: took them off of this imaginary pedestal and treated them
Speaker 1: as the human beings that they are. Dead as dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know
Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading
Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll
Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more
Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created
Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most
Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about
Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds
Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,
Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about
Speaker 1: to take Phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead
Speaker 1: ass starts right now. Son't we talking about family today?
Speaker 1: And it was only right that in talking about family? Yes,
Speaker 1: I had to dig into my roots a little bit. Okay,
Speaker 1: we have a couple of options when it came to
Speaker 1: family songs. You know this top con family. Yes, you
Speaker 1: say family. However, I feel turned this morning. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? I feel turned up. You know, my
Speaker 1: coffee is kicking in, so I feel like we need
Speaker 1: to go off. Can you give me a beat real quick? Ready,
Speaker 1: let's see. We want to see how how well did
Speaker 1: our caught onto this West Indian culture. Listen, listen, I am.
Speaker 1: I am Jamaican by way of flesh. But today it's
Speaker 1: a little soca. Today it's a little soap into the
Speaker 1: st vincent side side. Uh huh. This is particularly from
Speaker 1: our guys in Okay, shout out to you know. I
Speaker 1: still haven't made Carnival yet. That's on my bucket list
Speaker 1: to get that. Let me get snatched and Corona needs
Speaker 1: to go away, I wrote I need fret all right, ready,
Speaker 1: d D D dingus when we rule, we don't rud
Speaker 1: so anyway that week no way moving heavy? Wait wait,
Speaker 1: I'm Lily with Lily. When we comfortable, I'm not asking
Speaker 1: move like moving up together? Watch watch watch weay spells
Speaker 1: it as a child, right, you have no choice but
Speaker 1: to kind of just take your family ship right pretty much.
Speaker 1: But as adults, the dynamic changes now because we're all
Speaker 1: grown as people, and what you're willing to tolerate changes.
Speaker 1: So we're going to have a discussion on healthy are
Speaker 1: creating healthy boundaries with family and how to handle those shifts,
Speaker 1: you know, because sometimes we're uncomfortable with establishing boundaries because
Speaker 1: we think that, you know, what, their family. However, there
Speaker 1: are people however, however, snatch the ear. They are people. Okay,
Speaker 1: that being said, tell me about your story time, because
Speaker 1: we got stories for days when it comes to families,
Speaker 1: especially family, but this family did this story in particular.
Speaker 1: I didn't want to single out any one of our
Speaker 1: siblings in particular, so I decided to tell a story
Speaker 1: that encompasses all of the siblings, even though it's going
Speaker 1: to be about one sibling. You know, you got a
Speaker 1: brother and sister. I got a brother and sister. All
Speaker 1: of them at one point have done this all right,
Speaker 1: So y'all know when y'all got that sibling right, and
Speaker 1: that sibling is dating someone, then the sibling walks in
Speaker 1: the house and the sibling is upset. Now the sibling
Speaker 1: comes to you and tells you everything that they're significant
Speaker 1: other has done to them. So they're mad. Now I'm
Speaker 1: over this. I'm over that. I'm done. I'm finished. I
Speaker 1: ain't I know more. I'm ain't no more as over
Speaker 1: as over. So now you say you over? So we
Speaker 1: over the collective. You said you've done. We done. Fast
Speaker 1: forward two days the significant others now sitting in the
Speaker 1: living room and you're like, match, didn't you say we
Speaker 1: was done? It was done? What is he or she
Speaker 1: doing here now? So now the significant others looking at
Speaker 1: you in your face, you're looking at them and they
Speaker 1: face and you see them looking at you. When you
Speaker 1: let them know that I know what you did to
Speaker 1: my siblings, and you gotta let them know he or
Speaker 1: she may be done with the eyes you are looking
Speaker 1: with the ice grill. Let them know he or she
Speaker 1: your sibling may be done, but I ain't done. I
Speaker 1: ain't over it. And now the siblings hitting you with
Speaker 1: the you gotta learn him to let things do. This
Speaker 1: is between me and him or her. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to take that energy downstairs. You're making it awkward. No,
Speaker 1: you made it awkward. Yes, oh my god. Everybody has
Speaker 1: been there before, and I have been there with each
Speaker 1: of my siblings on your side and my side. And
Speaker 1: it's so true because the best part about all this
Speaker 1: is that if I'm your friend, if i'm your family,
Speaker 1: but what if I'm not working with you, Yeah, you're
Speaker 1: not working with them since person, That's just what it is.
Speaker 1: That's just what it is, just like an unset thing.
Speaker 1: But yeah, that that is a great one. So now
Speaker 1: this is the funny part, right, and this is where
Speaker 1: it takes me to this dealing with family. When you're
Speaker 1: a child, you're told you have to be involved with
Speaker 1: certain things. Right, So when the holidays come around, a
Speaker 1: special occasions, weddings, funerals, you're forced to be around certain people.
Speaker 1: What's the first thing your mother and your father say
Speaker 1: when you see someone, So you better smile, you better
Speaker 1: give hugs. When you become an adult, and now you
Speaker 1: can make your own decisions. He moved, funny, Yeah, someone
Speaker 1: so moved funny, she moved funny. So yeah, so almost.
Speaker 1: I am going to protect my my mental health a
Speaker 1: form of self care from warm self care, and I'm
Speaker 1: going to remove myself from all forms of toxicity, as
Speaker 1: we talked about I think in season two we talked
Speaker 1: about the toxicity. You got to remove yourself from the toxicity,
Speaker 1: and then that becomes an issue within your family because
Speaker 1: now you're an adult and you can make choices for
Speaker 1: yourself interest that your family is like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: where is the vout where it's Cadine? How come they
Speaker 1: ain't stay long? How come they ain't speak in the soone?
Speaker 1: So it's because when you become an adult, you have
Speaker 1: to start making boundaries to protect your health and wellness. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: how do you do that? Well, you know what, before
Speaker 1: we go to that, because I want to go back
Speaker 1: to story time because tyfically, we tell the story and
Speaker 1: then it's just like, you know, okay, So let's go
Speaker 1: back to story time and let's unravel that a bit.
Speaker 1: So with story time, now, you told us about the
Speaker 1: situation with brother, sister or whatever, who have all had
Speaker 1: this circumstance and We're expected to just pick up the
Speaker 1: pieces and move on like everything is normal, but we're
Speaker 1: not over it. So how did that positive or negatively
Speaker 1: affect your relationship with the siblings? Because I know how
Speaker 1: it has for me. So so this is this is
Speaker 1: what I've learned to cover as the oldest, just like
Speaker 1: you as the oldest. We've also been given that that
Speaker 1: title as almost half parent. Yes, because fortunately and unfortunately. Right, So,
Speaker 1: since you're the oldest, you're responsible to give the example,
Speaker 1: be the example, but also lead in a way where
Speaker 1: your siblings tend to look to you for guidance. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: and just so people know if they don't know our
Speaker 1: family dynamic, Devo and I are the oldest. Um. I
Speaker 1: am older by the older than Devout by like four
Speaker 1: months and cooler she came in. It's all good. Robbed
Speaker 1: the cradle, okay, um. And then we have brothers in
Speaker 1: the middle. So Brian is three and a half years
Speaker 1: younger than three years two and a half, right, Interest
Speaker 1: is three and a half younger than me. And then
Speaker 1: we have sisters Czaris ten years younger and almost literally
Speaker 1: the same dynamic that we're going through with our brothers
Speaker 1: and sisters. So what tends to happen as the oldest
Speaker 1: is that you you tend to give advice or give guidance.
Speaker 1: But as the oldest of some of the things that
Speaker 1: come with that is that you want people to listen
Speaker 1: to you and all of the guidance you give, and
Speaker 1: then when you do you give guidance and they don't listen,
Speaker 1: you feel disrespected. I have felt that in my whole life.
Speaker 1: My thing is is, you know, you asked me for advice.
Speaker 1: I give you advice and you do the opposite. Why
Speaker 1: the fun you ask me for a vice? Like you
Speaker 1: just wasting my high A broth want that I have
Speaker 1: mixed opinions about you and opinions because sometimes I feel like,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to ask about his opinion.
Speaker 1: You can give me your opinion and then I take
Speaker 1: it and I do with it what I want. He
Speaker 1: gets mad. Devout gets so mad if I say, devou,
Speaker 1: should I wear this hoop airing or the stud airing?
Speaker 1: And He'll be like, m I like the stud was
Speaker 1: like okay, cool. Then I'll reassess that and be like
Speaker 1: you know what, No, I really like the hoops. So
Speaker 1: I come out with the hoops and then you were
Speaker 1: mad because I'm wearing a hoop. You like, didn't tell
Speaker 1: you to wear the stud I'm like, I asked you
Speaker 1: for your opinion, I didn't ask you for the final say,
Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up. I'm going to now,
Speaker 1: I'm going to read direct direct you to come here.
Speaker 1: And it's not it's not it's not more to combat.
Speaker 1: But even though you're older than me, you know, in
Speaker 1: your coolger, I still it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter
Speaker 1: when you ask me for my opinion on my advice
Speaker 1: or something. Right. I then assume the role of the expert,
Speaker 1: since you're asking me okay, I assume the role as experts,
Speaker 1: since you've asked me okay. Now, what Codeine likes to do?
Speaker 1: Much like my siblings on both sides, they don't really
Speaker 1: want nobody opinion on the advice. They want affirmation for
Speaker 1: what they already want to do. So what you do,
Speaker 1: like my younger siblings, has already had this idea in
Speaker 1: your mind of what you want to do, and then
Speaker 1: you say devout what you think about this, And if
Speaker 1: I say yeah, do that, then they're like gung hole,
Speaker 1: yeah go go. But if I say no, I don't
Speaker 1: do that. Then they're like, yeah, but I really want
Speaker 1: to do this, and then they keep asking me in
Speaker 1: different ways until I agree with them, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: why do you do that? Why don't you just tell
Speaker 1: me what you want to do and it's story, that's
Speaker 1: what you do. But this, but this is what caused
Speaker 1: rifts and families though, because think about it, and and
Speaker 1: the younger siblings are not always at fault. I found
Speaker 1: the fault in myself, like I said before, is that
Speaker 1: I feel like if you ask me for my advice,
Speaker 1: you've got to take it. Can't do that to people.
Speaker 1: People have their own process in life. We talked about
Speaker 1: processes before, right, People have their own processes in life.
Speaker 1: Since I was first in life, I've been successful at
Speaker 1: things and I've been unsuccessful at things. So I don't
Speaker 1: want my brother and my sister to be unsuccessful with
Speaker 1: things in life that I want un successful. So I
Speaker 1: want them to go through the process I went through
Speaker 1: and avoid those pitfalls, which is like the parent situation,
Speaker 1: the parent child relationship. Whereas with our children, we can
Speaker 1: see the the obstacle and it's like, bro, but I know,
Speaker 1: like the shortcut to get around the obstacle. But you
Speaker 1: kind of have to do it yourself and fail or
Speaker 1: fall or whatever. So I get that, but there's nothing
Speaker 1: I've learned though. Just because I failed at doing something
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that someone else doing the same thing is
Speaker 1: going to fail because their process may be different, they
Speaker 1: may have a different gift or talent that allows them
Speaker 1: to be successful. I had to learn that throughout life.
Speaker 1: So what I learned to do what family is I
Speaker 1: learned to since we're all adults now, right, step back
Speaker 1: and allow my family and I'm going to get to
Speaker 1: my parents in a minute too, because it's not even
Speaker 1: just my siblings. Allow my siblings to live their life.
Speaker 1: Stop being an enabler, bailing them out when I know
Speaker 1: I can, you know, to stop being a crutch and
Speaker 1: telling them things are gonna be okay when I know
Speaker 1: it's not going to be okay just so they feel better,
Speaker 1: and just step back and ask this question, well, what
Speaker 1: do you want to do? You know what I'm saying, like,
Speaker 1: you gotta do that to family, And I learned that
Speaker 1: I got to do that to my parents as well.
Speaker 1: Now I hear you. I mean I I think about
Speaker 1: this story that you gave and feeling the effects of
Speaker 1: it with you our siblings, and I think that it has,
Speaker 1: if anything, more positively affected our relationship than negatively. And
Speaker 1: I say that because, aside from me feeling whatever kind
Speaker 1: of way I would feel towards their significant other at
Speaker 1: the time, when I removed myself from that dynamic in
Speaker 1: their life, it then strengthens the bond that I have
Speaker 1: with them as a brother or a sister whose I
Speaker 1: can just be there for them in that moment. That's
Speaker 1: why it's like, I don't want to talk to your
Speaker 1: significant other. I don't want to hear whose side this
Speaker 1: side that side, trying to take sides. At that point,
Speaker 1: it's not about taking sides. It's just about me saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm here for you in case you
Speaker 1: need anything, but I'm going to keep my opinion to
Speaker 1: myself and we and I'm okay with just being your
Speaker 1: sister and just chilling. If you want to event you
Speaker 1: want the sounding board, that's great, But I don't necessarily
Speaker 1: want to have to offer up advice and opinions, especially
Speaker 1: if it's unsolicited, because sometimes I just want event, you know,
Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. You know how
Speaker 1: people say there's a there's a meme going around a
Speaker 1: sort on social media that says relationships and not a
Speaker 1: community projects. Right, I agree, but I do kind of
Speaker 1: disagree with that because then we'll also say it takes
Speaker 1: a village. Right, when you get married, you want the
Speaker 1: people in your family in your village to celebrate your
Speaker 1: marri yes, right. If you have kids and you there's
Speaker 1: things you want to do in life, you ask people
Speaker 1: for help. Right. So my thing is you can't then
Speaker 1: say it's not a community project when it's convenient for
Speaker 1: you to do things that you want to do that
Speaker 1: people may not agree with, but then say it takes
Speaker 1: a village. When you need help, you have to make
Speaker 1: a choice. So how do you how do you deal
Speaker 1: with that aspect because we all have family, parents, siblings,
Speaker 1: cousins who do that when they need you for something,
Speaker 1: they want all the help. But then when you have
Speaker 1: an opinion about how they're doing something, they you know,
Speaker 1: I didn't ask for that. How do you do right? Well,
Speaker 1: that's when you have to now set your own boundaries
Speaker 1: and you have to say, Okay, what you're not going
Speaker 1: to be allowed is just access to just in and
Speaker 1: out whenever you feel to, just like, ask me for
Speaker 1: help or me need you need me to bail you
Speaker 1: out of something like this is not a revolving door
Speaker 1: of just something that's gonna benefit you, because then the
Speaker 1: relationship becomes very one sided. No, I feel like there's
Speaker 1: one person that's benefiting and then there's another person who's
Speaker 1: just always the giver, you know, And at what point
Speaker 1: are we pouring back and forth into this relationship? You know?
Speaker 1: It has to go both ways. So I agree that
Speaker 1: it's not a community project in that you don't necessarily
Speaker 1: have to include outside the opinions and everything all the
Speaker 1: time every time something goes wrong. But if you have
Speaker 1: a little snag in your relationship, you can then solicit
Speaker 1: the help or solicit the advice. If you do, you
Speaker 1: take it, or you take it or you take what
Speaker 1: you want from it, and then you don't. But you
Speaker 1: cannot also expect people to just roll over and continue
Speaker 1: to give, give, give, and you not. You know that
Speaker 1: I like that, And I'll tell you an example of
Speaker 1: seeing that. I had a homeboy right who his sister
Speaker 1: got married to someone that he was not fond of.
Speaker 1: He let that happen, didn't didn't trip on it. They
Speaker 1: ended up having children. So he's you know, the favorite uncle.
Speaker 1: So he asked, you know, they asked him, can you
Speaker 1: watch the kids so we can do a date night.
Speaker 1: Can you watch the kids? Blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: So he's like fine, but then when he goes over there,
Speaker 1: he sees certain things as an uncle that he's just
Speaker 1: like not fond of, and he just tries to give
Speaker 1: advice on and his system was like, I don't need
Speaker 1: you to tell me how to parent my kids. You
Speaker 1: could just watch them. So he said a boundary and said, well,
Speaker 1: since I'm not allowed to be involved in the rearing
Speaker 1: or raising these children, I just don't want to watch them.
Speaker 1: And at first I was just like, bro, you're gonna
Speaker 1: do that to your nephews. And then he was just
Speaker 1: kind of like, it's not about my nephew. It's about
Speaker 1: sending a boundary for myself because what I'm not gonna
Speaker 1: be is a floor mat. And I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna use that because because it became obvious to
Speaker 1: me there that it's really not about the kids. It's
Speaker 1: about you. You You you like, you have the right
Speaker 1: to protect your mental health and your sanctity by by
Speaker 1: saying you know what, you're sanity. You'r sanity by saying,
Speaker 1: you know what, this situation here is toxic for me,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be around. That's it you. He
Speaker 1: children removed himself, and at times with family will deal
Speaker 1: with people being toxic because we feel obligated to that
Speaker 1: relate relationship, that blood relationship, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And then what in turn happening is that he removed himself,
Speaker 1: and then his sister started to realize, like gang, she
Speaker 1: had to move different differently because it's like, I need
Speaker 1: the help, you know what I'm saying, So let me
Speaker 1: find out what he sees differently, which is very different
Speaker 1: from even just our dynamic for example, my brother and
Speaker 1: my sister, your brother and your sister. We I think
Speaker 1: agree that as parents with our siblings and our parents specifically,
Speaker 1: they have the right too if our children is doing
Speaker 1: something wrong, say something or intervene or discipline to an extent.
Speaker 1: And I think it's it's important that that could probably
Speaker 1: be a whole another episode of discipline and children and
Speaker 1: how that spirals into like family and the trickle down
Speaker 1: effect of how your children are behaving and stuff with
Speaker 1: other family members. But you know, I know that you
Speaker 1: and I would feel comfortable if we were to leave
Speaker 1: our brother and sister with our children and somebody was
Speaker 1: acting up like he can feel free to say. Or
Speaker 1: my sister at times, I said, you know, you know
Speaker 1: how she may have felt about something that one of
Speaker 1: the kids have done, and I appreciate the feedback. I
Speaker 1: don't take that as a well, don't parent my kids
Speaker 1: because they're not your kids. And I can never see
Speaker 1: myself saying that as much as my sister helps us.
Speaker 1: So that's the question, here's here's here's also what I
Speaker 1: had to you know I spoke to him about, was, um,
Speaker 1: you do also understand that when you're at their house
Speaker 1: for a small period of time, you get a sample
Speaker 1: size of what it's like to be a parent. It's
Speaker 1: hard for people who have kids, who around their children
Speaker 1: all the time to take advice from someone who doesn't
Speaker 1: have kids, who you only come to be the fun
Speaker 1: uncle to now be given. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: because we we had this conversation. As a as a parent,
Speaker 1: I well, first, as a child, I remember some of
Speaker 1: my aunts and uncle's saying things to my parents. For example,
Speaker 1: they told my parents that we talked too much. I
Speaker 1: talked that too much. You're saying the film is devoted
Speaker 1: back to much. You give him too much leeway to
Speaker 1: say his opinion. And I remember my my father saying,
Speaker 1: you have your children, I have my children. Let me
Speaker 1: raise my children the way I want to raise my children.
Speaker 1: And I think my father allowing me to be open
Speaker 1: and opinion and expressive created who I am to daysolutely,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm saying. So, whereas your aunt and uncle whoever,
Speaker 1: may not have seen value in that. They just thought
Speaker 1: maybe this was a child talking out of turn, or
Speaker 1: just like being a rebel questioning authority. They might have
Speaker 1: been seeing it in the mindset like if he goes
Speaker 1: out there and always has something to say, God forbid,
Speaker 1: he's in the wrong situation with a cop or something
Speaker 1: that might issue. That's exactly what it was, like, Well,
Speaker 1: I want my son to be able to express how
Speaker 1: he feels that time. You know. So it's also knowing,
Speaker 1: you know, knowing where your places in the family. If
Speaker 1: you're the fun uncle, you're the fun aunt. You can't
Speaker 1: come in here and trying to be doctor Phil we
Speaker 1: around these kids. Four seven, I'm gonna need you to
Speaker 1: back up because the last time my kids were in
Speaker 1: New York, my brother, the fun Uncle gave him like
Speaker 1: a thousand nic season. Bro, Like, you know, Jack, Like,
Speaker 1: can I have Jane jail? I'm like, you don't even
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to drink solder. He's like, well, Chriss
Speaker 1: gave me and really, but that's what the fun Uncle does.
Speaker 1: Let me ask you another question, Okay, dealing with parents,
Speaker 1: there's a shift that happens when you become an adult
Speaker 1: where you realize that your parents are I'm not going
Speaker 1: to say you're equal, you know what I'm saying, but
Speaker 1: you have just as much right to live in your
Speaker 1: truth as they do. Yes, when did that happen to
Speaker 1: for you and your parents? And how did you make
Speaker 1: that transition? Was it a smooth transition or was it?
Speaker 1: Or is it still? Kind of like I asked my mom,
Speaker 1: let me not say this. How does that that work? Well? Um,
Speaker 1: it's like a loaded, loaded question. Um. When it comes
Speaker 1: to my parents, I was raised in again, like I've
Speaker 1: said time and time again, you're I would say traditional
Speaker 1: Caribbean West Indian up you know, upbringing both of my
Speaker 1: parents from Jamaica and St. Vincent and there was always
Speaker 1: the biggest thing was just respect, like respect, respect, respect
Speaker 1: and respect. It showed itself in so many different ways
Speaker 1: in terms of like if my mom calls me Kadin,
Speaker 1: I'm like yes mom, Like god forbid, I'm like yes,
Speaker 1: or yeah, it's like what it Sho'll call my name
Speaker 1: several times until she gets like the yes mom. You know.
Speaker 1: So everything was just about respect. Um, everything was about
Speaker 1: the way things looked to the outside world or to
Speaker 1: other people. Um. There was a lot of that. So
Speaker 1: I was always very mindful and very like conscious of
Speaker 1: like doing things in the way of being myself because
Speaker 1: I was just worried about how it would be received.
Speaker 1: And that has affected me, I think in my adult
Speaker 1: life to an extent to Although my parents did empower
Speaker 1: me to be who I wanted to be, there were
Speaker 1: also those those moments where I felt like them, I
Speaker 1: can't really be all that I want to be in
Speaker 1: this moment because I have to carve some things to myself.
Speaker 1: Um and naturally growing up as a child, you know,
Speaker 1: my mom being a super strong woman, I mean, hard worker,
Speaker 1: my dad providing a life than working together. It was
Speaker 1: great to see that and it was something that my
Speaker 1: mom instilled in me to be independent and to be
Speaker 1: you know, my own person and to follow whatever dreams
Speaker 1: that were like she she she definitely Um showed me
Speaker 1: how much she believed in me. So I had a
Speaker 1: great respect for my parents because I felt like they
Speaker 1: were affording me a lifestyle to be able to do
Speaker 1: whatever I wanted of building all of this up to say,
Speaker 1: and then they changed. However, right, you feel like you're
Speaker 1: doing all of this not because I had to, because
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't just coming on here and
Speaker 1: just be like all my parents like you know, no,
Speaker 1: they literally did everything to make me the woman that
Speaker 1: I am today, So I could never take that for
Speaker 1: granted or never give them their props for that. However,
Speaker 1: with me, the shift happened when, like I said in
Speaker 1: my sound about earlier, you have your parents, particularly because
Speaker 1: they're who you look up to. Their your first loves,
Speaker 1: that your first you know, this is what I want
Speaker 1: life to be people. Um, they were on this pedestal
Speaker 1: for me where I felt like my parents were just
Speaker 1: super human, like they were untouchable, they were beyond perfect.
Speaker 1: They were you know, the epitome of the perfect person.
Speaker 1: And that was me as a child, as I grew
Speaker 1: up as I became an adult, as I started dating you,
Speaker 1: As I married you, I became a mother, there was
Speaker 1: a shift in the way I viewed my parents. So
Speaker 1: you just set that up. So as I started dating you,
Speaker 1: it was a shift in the way I viewed my parents. Listen,
Speaker 1: j don't listen to listen to the daughter, some say
Speaker 1: the city camera. I did not change the way your daughter.
Speaker 1: You only said that. I thought you were crazy when
Speaker 1: I first walked in the door, so I thought you
Speaker 1: was crazy from some No, I say that to the
Speaker 1: got older, like I met you at eighteen, so we
Speaker 1: grew into adulthood together. So that's when I say, you know,
Speaker 1: I use you as a timeline because we met at eighteen,
Speaker 1: and here I am, you know, a little older, and
Speaker 1: I can now see exactly what it was. I had
Speaker 1: to realize that the way my parents are who they are.
Speaker 1: They're human beings. They're entitled to make mistakes. They're entitled
Speaker 1: to feel a way about whatever has transpired in their
Speaker 1: life that brought them to the point that they're at now.
Speaker 1: They're entitled to be, you know, resentful. They're entitled to
Speaker 1: do feel the way they feel. And I cannot hold
Speaker 1: that against them any longer. I hear that, but you
Speaker 1: kept saying like you held them to a high regard.
Speaker 1: That was level of respect was here. Then when you
Speaker 1: found out they were human, did like the level of
Speaker 1: respect drop a little bit? I want to say it didn't. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it did a little bit. Be dead ass. That's the
Speaker 1: name of the show. The name of the show is
Speaker 1: dead ass. I will say that the level of respect
Speaker 1: did drop a little bit that in that I felt like,
Speaker 1: or I do feel like. Sometimes my parents don't own
Speaker 1: their ships want to say about mine, and it's easy
Speaker 1: to place blame. Like we all at some point we'll say,
Speaker 1: you know, something didn't work out the way I wanted
Speaker 1: to work out. It didn't work out because of this person,
Speaker 1: or because of that situation, or because of that. But
Speaker 1: there's never really an introspective look when it comes to
Speaker 1: my parents about how did I actually get to this point?
Speaker 1: Is there something that I did or I didn't do
Speaker 1: that is now a result of where I am in
Speaker 1: my life. So I'm glad you brought that up because
Speaker 1: I have a theory as to why parents and children
Speaker 1: have so many issues, and the theory goes back to
Speaker 1: what you just said. Parents do not like to own
Speaker 1: their ship, which means they're gonna do the best they
Speaker 1: can with what they have during the time that they're
Speaker 1: trying to parent. But as we grow as people and
Speaker 1: as we evolve, things change and you realize that, you know, what,
Speaker 1: I should have did that differently, or I could have
Speaker 1: handled that. With parents, especially black parents, I've noticed it
Speaker 1: in our parents generation, in our parents generation, in that generation,
Speaker 1: they're not willing to admit any fault or anything. So
Speaker 1: as a child, when you grow up thinking that you're
Speaker 1: always the reason why something is happening and you're never
Speaker 1: hearing anyone admit any fault, you start to take all
Speaker 1: of this on is it's me, it's me as me.
Speaker 1: Then you become an adult, right, and then your window
Speaker 1: changes because you you and I say this, because you
Speaker 1: view the world through the window by which your parents provide.
Speaker 1: Then you get to high school, you go to college,
Speaker 1: and all these other windows open up and you get
Speaker 1: to see different perspectives on things, and you realize, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, my parents only looking at ship through one window.
Speaker 1: Now I have all these other different windows in my house.
Speaker 1: I see things. I'm a little bit more enlightened. Now,
Speaker 1: then you try to talk to your parents about the
Speaker 1: stuff that happens, and you know what they do. They
Speaker 1: act like the ship never happened, or they were well
Speaker 1: within their right to just do that to you and
Speaker 1: not admit that, you know what, I could have handled
Speaker 1: that differently. I've been through that with my parents. I
Speaker 1: was gonna say, do you have a particular scenario like
Speaker 1: with your parents when you felt like bro? They bro?
Speaker 1: I mean, I know, but I'm just tell the people
Speaker 1: because I know, and I'm gonna preface just by saying
Speaker 1: that I don't blame my parents. Of course, it's never
Speaker 1: a blame, and I think that's part of treating them
Speaker 1: like human beings. They're allowed to make mistakes. We know
Speaker 1: his parents. There's no handbook to this, like we're flaming
Speaker 1: it all out. But one thing I did learn, well,
Speaker 1: I'll say that, go ahead. One one thing I will
Speaker 1: say about my parents is I learned to respect my
Speaker 1: parents more as parents when I became a parent, because
Speaker 1: I saw how many times, like I looked at myself
Speaker 1: and I said, damn, I messed that up with Jackson.
Speaker 1: Ain't easy. It's not easy, and I can look at
Speaker 1: it and we grew up in a different generation where
Speaker 1: you're allowed to be a lot more open, you know.
Speaker 1: We we embraced therapy, So I was generation is a
Speaker 1: little bit more transparent when it comes to Jackson. When
Speaker 1: I'm making mistakes, I'll pull them to the side and like,
Speaker 1: you know what, broad when I said I was gonna
Speaker 1: say that, I was gonna say as parents, now we
Speaker 1: can apologize to our children. We can say that we
Speaker 1: were wrong, Like I'm okay with that, you know, whereas
Speaker 1: back in the day our parents were like, well, that's
Speaker 1: just what happened, and that's just it, and that's just it.
Speaker 1: Or as a child, no matter what happens, you're at fault.
Speaker 1: And you know how they talk about passing on childhood
Speaker 1: trauma to kids. You know how many adults know that
Speaker 1: another adult did something to a child, and because that
Speaker 1: adult is an adult and there's a child, it's either
Speaker 1: were sweeping under the rug, you know, or we blame
Speaker 1: the child for whatever happened. And what happens is that
Speaker 1: child is going to grow up with that trauma, and
Speaker 1: that that child is going to take that trauma and
Speaker 1: unleash it on the whole family, or unleash it to
Speaker 1: the next person that they try to love because the
Speaker 1: parents and the adults in the family do not address
Speaker 1: the issues that they've had, you know, through generation's gonna
Speaker 1: fess up, right, So there's a whole lot of protection happened, actions,
Speaker 1: very adverse protection. And it's it's sad because you start
Speaker 1: to lose respect for your parents as you become an
Speaker 1: adult because you realize they faults and when they don't,
Speaker 1: when they don't admit their fault, you like the hypocrite.
Speaker 1: You're a liar, right, and you can't even just admit
Speaker 1: your faults right this moment, Like you don't have to
Speaker 1: be broadcasted, But just for the sake of our relationship,
Speaker 1: can we just at least say what it is like?
Speaker 1: Can we just be real? Just so? Me and my
Speaker 1: father had the realist conversation at thirty six years of age.
Speaker 1: I told you recently talking about me growing up, how
Speaker 1: I was treated. Um, I don't say that because I
Speaker 1: wasn't abused, like I was definitely privileged, but my parents
Speaker 1: put a lot of pressure on me as the oldest child. Um.
Speaker 1: They got married at one one, so they were raising
Speaker 1: kids while they were children, and my father financially, was
Speaker 1: wasn't in a place where he was living in abundance.
Speaker 1: So by the time my sister came around ten years later,
Speaker 1: we was in a way better place. But my father
Speaker 1: still held me and my brother to the standard by
Speaker 1: which he started when he was twenty one, and I
Speaker 1: felt like at times I couldn't do anything right. Everything
Speaker 1: that happened was my fault because my father, grown up
Speaker 1: in the house, never admit fault. Period. My father never
Speaker 1: admit fault, and my mom was always very quiet when
Speaker 1: something happened. She like, something happened and messed up. She
Speaker 1: messed up. She didn't say anything. I think you felt
Speaker 1: like that un till just recently anyway, like he's still
Speaker 1: a month ago, That's what I'm saying. Like recently, we
Speaker 1: had this conversation where he admitted to me that he
Speaker 1: raised all of us differently. He's a devout I raised
Speaker 1: you differently because you were the first one, and because
Speaker 1: I felt like you can handle it. And he said,
Speaker 1: you know, Tor Brian, Brian follows you. So I felt
Speaker 1: like if I did this to you, Brian would then
Speaker 1: follow in your footsteps and everything would be good. Your
Speaker 1: sister is my baby girl. That's the only girl I have,
Speaker 1: so I raised her completely different than I raised my
Speaker 1: oldest son. So the reason why that mattered to me
Speaker 1: is because one I understood that, but the fact that
Speaker 1: he admitted it for the first time ever, because before
Speaker 1: it was all the same, no you did it, no
Speaker 1: you didn't. They used to piss me off so much
Speaker 1: because the way we were treated, the way we were disciplined,
Speaker 1: was different. So when you're disciplining a child, he's not
Speaker 1: old enough to understand why he's being disciplined differently. He
Speaker 1: just feels like he's being picked on. And a lot
Speaker 1: of times I felt like I was being picked on.
Speaker 1: So when I walked back in the house, I walked
Speaker 1: back into the house with this animosity, even as an adult,
Speaker 1: that if anything goes wrong, I'm going to get picked on.
Speaker 1: So there were certain little things that used to trigger me,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, and it wouldn't be a
Speaker 1: big deal, but then it triggers me and I fly
Speaker 1: off the handle anything like what the hell is wrong
Speaker 1: with And it's because I'm triggered because of things that
Speaker 1: happened in our childhood that you never admitted. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying? And I think that we as as
Speaker 1: adults need to let our parents know when you become
Speaker 1: an adult, like, hey, I know you're not perfect. You
Speaker 1: don't got put on this facade that you are perfect,
Speaker 1: because once I realize that you're not perfect and you
Speaker 1: keep put on that facade, you look fake, like a hypocrite. Yes,
Speaker 1: And it's like you almost want to create a safe
Speaker 1: space for your parents. I feel like as a child
Speaker 1: my parents, my parents created a safe space for me.
Speaker 1: And being an adult now being a mother, being a
Speaker 1: wife and stuff, I feel like I now want to
Speaker 1: be a safe space for my parents, especially because they
Speaker 1: were not um kind of afforded that type of living
Speaker 1: in their day because when it came to their parents
Speaker 1: and their siblings, it was like, let's not talk about it.
Speaker 1: And I realized particularly with UM, because I feel like
Speaker 1: my father is very vocal about telling me how he
Speaker 1: feels about just everything. UM. My mom, however, is the
Speaker 1: one who was more of a private person and raised
Speaker 1: to be super private. So with her, there was like
Speaker 1: a hurdle that we had to get over because when
Speaker 1: I would be like, Mom, just like tell me how
Speaker 1: you feel about this, or Mom, I don't think you
Speaker 1: were right when you did this, she saw it as
Speaker 1: me attacking her, or she saw it as me taking
Speaker 1: like my dad's side, or taking someone else's side, whereas
Speaker 1: I'm just like, Sis, I'm just trying to be real
Speaker 1: with you in this moment because I feel like you
Speaker 1: deserve for me to be honest. I deserve to be honest,
Speaker 1: and I want you to see how you look to
Speaker 1: to just us, not how you look to outside people,
Speaker 1: to the world or to the public, how you look
Speaker 1: to your children, who still look up to you and
Speaker 1: admire you and love you and respect you as their mom.
Speaker 1: But since you got it, like, she's used to being
Speaker 1: the one to check people because she's also the oldest
Speaker 1: of six siblings, and I think that when someone tries
Speaker 1: to check her, she's like taking it back, like what,
Speaker 1: you know, So the checker has now become the checky,
Speaker 1: and it's just a whole hot mess, you know. But
Speaker 1: we've come to the point where I think we've been
Speaker 1: able to have really open conversations and I get a
Speaker 1: better understanding and then greater respect for why she is
Speaker 1: the way she is and how she feels because she's
Speaker 1: now open about it, you know. Yeah, And it's It's
Speaker 1: funny because we we always and you and I both
Speaker 1: come from the firstborn perspective. I would I'm interested in
Speaker 1: hearing what the second, the middle child, and the youngest
Speaker 1: feel about growing up in the house because they all
Speaker 1: have different tags. Oh. Absolutely, it's important for people to
Speaker 1: know when they go visit family. Absolutely know you have
Speaker 1: a bunch of Yeah, I have some some reference points
Speaker 1: status because when we do have these conversations, a lot
Speaker 1: of it is our opinion about things in our life.
Speaker 1: But I think so many people can take away from
Speaker 1: this conversation when we have also to some supporting um
Speaker 1: facts and stuff. So in a Psychology Today article published
Speaker 1: back in two thousand nineteen, which seems like it was
Speaker 1: so long ago but as long as hell um pain psychologists,
Speaker 1: medical consultant author and speak her Rachel's softness Um, she
Speaker 1: provided some tips on how to set boundaries with adults,
Speaker 1: particularly family. I guess it can also transcend through friendships
Speaker 1: and work life and all that. But the first one
Speaker 1: is value yourself and your time. All right, So you're
Speaker 1: important and you deserve to be treated well. So if
Speaker 1: people around you don't appreciate you, they don't respect you.
Speaker 1: Family or otherwise you got to ask yourself, um, whether
Speaker 1: you really want to spend time with these people or
Speaker 1: do you feel obligated to how much time do you
Speaker 1: want to spend like you get to choose that, and
Speaker 1: you get to choose who you do it with. And
Speaker 1: when you know, what's funny thinking about this? You know what?
Speaker 1: This reminds me of Green Leaf. I watched green were
Speaker 1: up to season three, I believe, And the first thing
Speaker 1: I say is, none of these people no boundaries. They're
Speaker 1: always in each other's business but not checking themselves because
Speaker 1: their world is just upside down, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: But I've also this is another analogy I use. Right,
Speaker 1: It's easier to look through a glass window and point
Speaker 1: out everyone else's faults that you see through the glass
Speaker 1: window than it is to look in the mirror and
Speaker 1: see fault within yourself. It's also easier to throw stones
Speaker 1: at other people's glass house because you haven't realized if
Speaker 1: you're looking at mirror of your house glass too, And
Speaker 1: sooner or later one of them stones and came flying
Speaker 1: back over here. And on green Leaf, that happens every episode.
Speaker 1: Grace to be running around telling people you don't even
Speaker 1: do this. You don't even do that, And what happens
Speaker 1: our daughter somewhere with some dude, It's like, see, you're
Speaker 1: too busy worried about with them. You ain't watching your
Speaker 1: own daughter exactly, And that's family. Family we look at
Speaker 1: We are constantly looking at other people's windows from from
Speaker 1: our perspective, never looking in the mirror exactly. Valuing yourself
Speaker 1: and val yourself and your time and your time is precious.
Speaker 1: I don't mine is. So if you don't evaluate, and
Speaker 1: you don't set boundaries and let let people know how
Speaker 1: much access they have to you, then it can be
Speaker 1: a recipe for a whole disaster. Um number two, give
Speaker 1: yourself permission to do what's best for you. So limiting
Speaker 1: time with toxic people as an act of self love,
Speaker 1: because there's no shame in that game, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean. Like that's hard though, Well, imagine you don't
Speaker 1: go around like its Christmas your family, big imagine imagine
Speaker 1: like we just like I'm not going to Christmas year.
Speaker 1: Then you that becomes an issue, no exactly, because it's
Speaker 1: like you want to be there for the people who
Speaker 1: you genuinely want to be there for, but then you
Speaker 1: run the risk of so and so and so popping
Speaker 1: up because you know, yeah, cultural norm suggests that you're
Speaker 1: supposed to spend holidays with family and if you don't,
Speaker 1: something that's wrong with you. So then you know, you
Speaker 1: have this toxic family system where these familial relationships that
Speaker 1: can be abusive, you know what I mean, in so
Speaker 1: many different ways. Um, and it's difficult. It is difficult
Speaker 1: to be able to give the hard no one like
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be here or I'm not going
Speaker 1: to do that like I have. I just that's a
Speaker 1: real thing in my family. Listens, be popping. That's where
Speaker 1: ship always comes out during the holidays because you spend
Speaker 1: the whole year just suppressing everything, not being fake cordial.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Oh hey girl, how are
Speaker 1: you doing? Girls? Exhausting? Yes, that ship is exhausting. And
Speaker 1: I've learned to learn to love from a distance sometimes,
Speaker 1: you know what, I love you from over there? Okay,
Speaker 1: as my family, right, I don't we don't like I've
Speaker 1: loved to do that, you know what I mean, Like
Speaker 1: even just a wedding for example, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: You know, such and such as coming to this wedding
Speaker 1: and you ain't trying to see her. It's great because
Speaker 1: it's probably a hundred and fifty other people that you
Speaker 1: can just you know, ignore, ignore that person. But it's
Speaker 1: a little bit different when it's those tighter, tighter situations
Speaker 1: with family, and it may require that you say, you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm not gonna sit here and be here
Speaker 1: all night. Let me come in, you know, make my round,
Speaker 1: say what's up, drop off some gifts to whatever, eats
Speaker 1: some food, take my to go, tup, aware and be out.
Speaker 1: Are you that person that takes the type of we're
Speaker 1: empty and takes food home with you? Y'all? Let us know, comment, comment,
Speaker 1: Let us know if you're the person that takes facts
Speaker 1: facts all right. Number three, Know your triggers and anticipate them.
Speaker 1: That's me, do that now. Trigger. So, a trigger is
Speaker 1: pretty much what a cool situation or in events, right,
Speaker 1: You all have them. They're all different for different people,
Speaker 1: and triggers can range from like your uncle nosing into
Speaker 1: your marriage or watching your parents enable and coddle you know,
Speaker 1: unemployed sibling. Um your sister whispering about some ship her
Speaker 1: husband did and you're like, oh no, I don't want
Speaker 1: to hear that. Um. So You've got to be one
Speaker 1: step ahead of your triggers. You gotta know what they are. Um,
Speaker 1: the emotions that arise, So do you get sad? Do
Speaker 1: you get violent? Do you get angry? Like? What happens
Speaker 1: when the triggers are provoked? Um? And how is the
Speaker 1: best way that you could take care of yourself when
Speaker 1: that happens? Like, how do you what's your response plan?
Speaker 1: If a trigger is then it then happens. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? I could see a trigger from a
Speaker 1: mile away, like I'm like a snipe. Oa. Oh, I
Speaker 1: don't even need a scope to see that trigger's coming ahead.
Speaker 1: Don't the kids got practicing anymore? It's about time, brother,
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to head on. I SpongeBob that I'm
Speaker 1: a head on now. The best gate plan is kids.
Speaker 1: I think every parent can attest to that. You don't
Speaker 1: want to be somewhere Oh damn, this the kids is
Speaker 1: cranky baby, pinch the baby, or it's like, hey, can
Speaker 1: y'all come over to do X y Z or come
Speaker 1: to this event? Damn, I don't got no child care.
Speaker 1: Like that'd be the easiest way to get out of things.
Speaker 1: You learned it here, guys, avoided triggers and just see it. Like,
Speaker 1: if you suspect that a conversation or a boundary drawing
Speaker 1: situation is going to be required, then you gotta even
Speaker 1: sometimes like the plan ahead and know how you're gonna
Speaker 1: get out of it. You know, be clear about your
Speaker 1: needs and communicate them. So identifying your needs and boundaries
Speaker 1: in advance. For example, do you need your mother in
Speaker 1: law to leave her yappy little dog at home? How
Speaker 1: much time do you want to spend with your family
Speaker 1: or friends? Do you want to be alone? Like? These
Speaker 1: are so many different ways that you can. Sometimes it's
Speaker 1: difficult to communicate them because you, like you. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying maybe for people, they may not know how to
Speaker 1: tell somebody like Bro, you are a trigger alert, and
Speaker 1: it's difficult to communicate a trigger. It's like, look, Bro, sis, mom, dad,
Speaker 1: I can't put up with this no more. I've to do.
Speaker 1: I can't put up with this no more. And I'm
Speaker 1: just letting you know that if so and so does
Speaker 1: X y Z, I'm out Now. I have to respect
Speaker 1: that since I told them that this is my trigger,
Speaker 1: they have the right to exist in their truth. So
Speaker 1: now that you know what my trigger is, If you
Speaker 1: continue to try to hit my triggers, that's fine. I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to stop you from living your truth. Because
Speaker 1: if you live in your truth, it's a trigger for me.
Speaker 1: I can respect that. I just know now I'm going
Speaker 1: to remove myself. What happens is we as people tend
Speaker 1: to tell people what trigger us, and they could be
Speaker 1: living in their truth and we want them to not
Speaker 1: live in their truth because it triggers me. That's unfair.
Speaker 1: It's unfair. I don't want you to not living because
Speaker 1: facades fake situations. You know your triggers, You tells one
Speaker 1: so that that triggers me. They can choose whether or
Speaker 1: not they want to do it. So if you choose
Speaker 1: that you want to continue trigger me, I want to
Speaker 1: remove myself and it's fine to do that. Within that
Speaker 1: comes with the level of maturity, though, Like not everybody
Speaker 1: is gonna be okay with that. That's gonna be people like,
Speaker 1: you know what I said, what my trigger is, and
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. So I'm gonna sit here
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna still be here and then just be
Speaker 1: petty about it, you know, and in fight so and
Speaker 1: in fight, and then it becomes like a whole family brawl.
Speaker 1: So that's that's like another situation that could potentially happen.
Speaker 1: But in protecting your peace, I would suggest that. But
Speaker 1: let's be honest, Okay, how many people actually want to
Speaker 1: sit there within their triggers, like sit there while their
Speaker 1: triggers are just walking around? Most most people, unless you're
Speaker 1: a sociopath, most people we want to get the funk
Speaker 1: up out of there. And they feel obligated because it's
Speaker 1: my nieces christening, you know what I'm saying. Or it's
Speaker 1: my uncle's fifty birthday party, so I gotta be here. No,
Speaker 1: you don't you let everyone know what your triggers are
Speaker 1: if they don't want to respect your triggers, right and
Speaker 1: if you have triggers that you have not shared with
Speaker 1: people and they're internal, and that's on you. And that's
Speaker 1: what you know. Do you know what you practice? That
Speaker 1: that brings me to my next point? Practice saying no?
Speaker 1: Just say no. You know that it's gonna trigger you
Speaker 1: because someone so is going to be at this family
Speaker 1: function and you just know that it's gonna bring up
Speaker 1: all sorts of feelings. Just don't just say no, I'm
Speaker 1: not available, and I mean no. A hard no, So
Speaker 1: off note, it depends on what level of no you
Speaker 1: want for me. No is no for the most part um,
Speaker 1: So people have to revisit their no. It could be
Speaker 1: like that didn't let me check my schedule situation, or
Speaker 1: it could just be like, nah, I'm not doing that
Speaker 1: ship you know what I mean. But at that point,
Speaker 1: you're advocating for yourself. So if you're advocating for yourself,
Speaker 1: then you can't be mad, you know. And then making
Speaker 1: a list of coping strategies. So what helps you get
Speaker 1: through these these moments with family members or like being
Speaker 1: upset or rolled up, you know, going for a walk,
Speaker 1: I'm going to see a therapist, kind of unloading that
Speaker 1: weel do do do do do do do do do
Speaker 1: do do. Being in l A and the fact that
Speaker 1: it's legal here, that's completely changed my life. There is
Speaker 1: nothing in this world that can trigger me to leave
Speaker 1: my place of zin. When I got that green, okay,
Speaker 1: so you can do whatever you want to do. I
Speaker 1: got that green and I go home. You talk about unbothered.
Speaker 1: My level of unbothered nous since I've been introduced to Viola,
Speaker 1: my man out Harrington, his company, my level of unbothered
Speaker 1: nous has been on another level. I've even learned how
Speaker 1: to do that with k K what you you know,
Speaker 1: you got your triggers that I got my triggers that
Speaker 1: you do to set me off? You know what I
Speaker 1: do go outside a little puff puff pass with myself.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so, I mean the family, family situations are
Speaker 1: so complicated. But I honestly feel like we are the generation,
Speaker 1: the millennial generation. Um, are the folks who ain't taking
Speaker 1: it no mo. So whatever the generational hers or family's
Speaker 1: secret or whatever is, like, we're blowing a whole ship up,
Speaker 1: blowing it up, like we're not doing it anymore. We're
Speaker 1: tired of it. Like we want to be as transparent
Speaker 1: as possible. We're trying to heal from prior generations of
Speaker 1: abuse and prior generations of family secrets and lies and
Speaker 1: to see and all that good stuff, because all families
Speaker 1: have it to a next everybody. You know, where there's love,
Speaker 1: there's also drama. All right, Um, we are going to
Speaker 1: take a quick break. I think now it's a good time.
Speaker 1: We got listener letters coming up. Um, so we're gonna
Speaker 1: take a break and move into listener letters after we
Speaker 1: get into some ads stick around, folks. Alright, so guys,
Speaker 1: we're back with listener letters right now. Favorite part. I'm
Speaker 1: to read this one today. It's actually a pretty long,
Speaker 1: like the whole story, Yes it is, but it's good though.
Speaker 1: I like when y'all set the scene for us. So
Speaker 1: we had sometimes we all wanted to answer these questions
Speaker 1: and we don't know the context. So let's set the
Speaker 1: scene now. So I've been married to my husband for
Speaker 1: ten years. After all these years, my in law is
Speaker 1: still don't respect me, and honestly, I don't think they
Speaker 1: like me. I don't really like them, but I tolerate them. Sounds,
Speaker 1: you know, like typical that happens. A little background. She
Speaker 1: provided background when my husband started dating. When when me
Speaker 1: and my husband started dating, he was the man of
Speaker 1: the house, his mom's six siblings and his sisters five kids,
Speaker 1: and all depended on him financially. So when he moved
Speaker 1: out and we got married, they didn't know how to
Speaker 1: fend for themselves. He had allowed them to be completely
Speaker 1: dependent on him. So every week there's always something someone
Speaker 1: needs something, or they're popping up at our house without notice.
Speaker 1: My husband has four grown siblings who constantly asked for money,
Speaker 1: to do laundry, to spend the right to spend the
Speaker 1: night at our house. The list goes on and on.
Speaker 1: I've been fed up, and my husband knows how doesn't
Speaker 1: know how to say no. I have a brother who
Speaker 1: constantly asked for things, but I always say no because
Speaker 1: I don't feel he shouldn't we should enable our family
Speaker 1: or make them feel they can always run to us,
Speaker 1: back to his family. They are freeloaders and cannot get
Speaker 1: their life together. Over the years, anytime I say something,
Speaker 1: my husband goes back and says, my wife feels yeah.
Speaker 1: So I try to ask that he relayed the message
Speaker 1: as we but somehow he never sticks to the plant. Recently,
Speaker 1: we had a birthday party for my daughter and his
Speaker 1: mother and his three adult siblings and six nieces and
Speaker 1: nephews came and no one spoke to me. They walked
Speaker 1: in with attitudes. However, throughout this party, his mom was
Speaker 1: talking about me to my friends and my family and
Speaker 1: trying to regulate things in my house. Please give me
Speaker 1: some advice what you do with the family. Can't do
Speaker 1: that the whole family away. You can't be Kobe and
Speaker 1: play air basketball. You can't do that Oh, well, there
Speaker 1: you have it. Clearly, the issue is they don't not
Speaker 1: like uses they could have. He could have brought someone
Speaker 1: else home. I feel like, get married someone else and
Speaker 1: they wouldn't like her ask either because why their bread
Speaker 1: and butter. It's now moved on and it's trying to
Speaker 1: have his own bakery with his own bread, and you've
Speaker 1: you've completely came in and pretty much taken away their
Speaker 1: entire support system and the fact that he was taking
Speaker 1: care of so many people. Naturally, he's going to feel
Speaker 1: this battle now between the family, who I'm sure is
Speaker 1: giving him guilt and grief about moving on. But na, son,
Speaker 1: you you marry your wife and then you create your
Speaker 1: family with your wife. They don't have to figure it
Speaker 1: out all these adults and whatnot, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: But here's the deal. And you see this happen so
Speaker 1: many times. They say, when you have a son, your
Speaker 1: son grows up, he leaves, never comes back, he creates
Speaker 1: his family. Case the mess daughters, that's why we're gonna
Speaker 1: get a daughter. Daughters typically come back and always take
Speaker 1: care of their parents. That's what is you know. Typically
Speaker 1: they say, that's what happens. I'm taking care of my Yes,
Speaker 1: me and my brother out at the going. My sister
Speaker 1: always be bad. But the same thing, Yeah, your your
Speaker 1: sister and you always talk about your parents. So here's
Speaker 1: part of the issue when you when you're dating someone
Speaker 1: whose family is dependent on them, Like you said, they're
Speaker 1: never gonna like whoever this person brings because now his attention,
Speaker 1: his resources, his finances is going to go to a
Speaker 1: different place, which means it's going to be less for
Speaker 1: the family. Now you have a decision to make as
Speaker 1: a woman dating someone like this, you realize what you've
Speaker 1: already seen. The writing is on the wall the minute
Speaker 1: you guys get married. Unless he becomes a jillionaire and
Speaker 1: is able to take care of everybody and his own family,
Speaker 1: there's going to be an issue. At that point. You
Speaker 1: have to make a decision of whether or not you
Speaker 1: want to stay in this relationship or you want to leave.
Speaker 1: You decided to stay, so now the best thing for
Speaker 1: you to do is to get your husband to understand it.
Speaker 1: Every time he goes back and he says, my wife,
Speaker 1: remember we talked, you know what's funny? Said or my
Speaker 1: husband or my husband said, remember the story. The story.
Speaker 1: Time you go back and you tell what, you know,
Speaker 1: what my significant other was doing or what, and now
Speaker 1: your family is pissed. You can't even be mad at
Speaker 1: his family now because he is the reason why they
Speaker 1: don't like you. He keeps saying, My wife feels if
Speaker 1: he would go over there and just say listen, y'all,
Speaker 1: we can't do not even we I can't do this
Speaker 1: for y'all, not more. I can't do this. Then the
Speaker 1: plane doesn't go on you. The blame goes on him.
Speaker 1: He made the choice to get married and do this.
Speaker 1: The problem is he sounds like a people pleaser, and
Speaker 1: since he's a people pleaser, he wants everyone else to
Speaker 1: like him and don't care if they don't like each other.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. It's like he did all
Speaker 1: this and then he just stepped away. It was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm good. And that happens. That happens with families all
Speaker 1: the time, yep. And I mean the fact that they
Speaker 1: come to her house and then have a whole attitude
Speaker 1: coming to like y'all bringing that whole energy to my house.
Speaker 1: You can stay home for that, Like what was the
Speaker 1: whole point of doing that? You know? And that goes
Speaker 1: to the whole, Like you know, when you have events
Speaker 1: and people show up and then it's like this one
Speaker 1: has attitudes with that one, and then she's trying to
Speaker 1: belittle you to your friends like that she is not
Speaker 1: allowed in the household. And I wonder if I wonder
Speaker 1: if she ever spoke up to his family, or if
Speaker 1: he's trying she's trying to be respectful of the relationship
Speaker 1: that he has with his family and says, you know what,
Speaker 1: you handle your family, and I'm gonna sit back here
Speaker 1: and just expect that you will. And he's not. That's
Speaker 1: going to be a difficult situation for her because if
Speaker 1: he's not strong enough to stand up to his family,
Speaker 1: and he's already done so much damage that now the family,
Speaker 1: everything he does now then like oh, she's making him
Speaker 1: say that he already set the president. But so so realistically,
Speaker 1: everything I'm gonna say cannot be done retroactively. The damage
Speaker 1: is already done. It's up to you to make a
Speaker 1: decision on whether you want to exist in this toxic environment.
Speaker 1: And if I'm you and not for nothing, if this
Speaker 1: is me me being this young lady here, I'm not
Speaker 1: doing stuff in my house no more. And they're not invited.
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna do stuff with my family, invite the
Speaker 1: people who respect me, and y'all can just kick rocks.
Speaker 1: And people will say that's petty. You can't not invite
Speaker 1: his mom. Yes, I can't. If his mom feels like
Speaker 1: she can disrespect me in the home I'm making for
Speaker 1: her son, she don't need to come, and neither does
Speaker 1: his siblings. You are well within your right to set
Speaker 1: that boundary. People will always point out the victims sometimes
Speaker 1: and say, oh, you can't do this, and only yeah,
Speaker 1: you can set that boundary. If I'm you, I set
Speaker 1: that boundary because at this point he can't now go
Speaker 1: back to his family and be like, well it was
Speaker 1: all me then never We we dealt through this. We've
Speaker 1: been through similar situations where people don't like aunts or
Speaker 1: don't like uncles in my family. You've seen it in
Speaker 1: your family. So once that damage is done, you gotta
Speaker 1: set the boundary. And it's unfortunate. Sometimes speak is what
Speaker 1: it then happens. If you say to someone you know what,
Speaker 1: I don't appreciate this person's energy. I know that's your
Speaker 1: significant other, or I know that's your sister, or I
Speaker 1: know that that's on so and so, but I prefer
Speaker 1: to have this person not attend my events. Then it's
Speaker 1: like you look like the bad guy. And then potentially
Speaker 1: it requires that the person who is related to not
Speaker 1: show up, and then you're like, damn, I don't want
Speaker 1: my sibling or whatever to not come to this event
Speaker 1: because they have to now choose between you know, but
Speaker 1: but I hear what you're saying. You know, they have
Speaker 1: to choose between satisfying me, but also the significant other
Speaker 1: who was just like, well, now I can't go, so
Speaker 1: I'm be home by myself or you know that kind
Speaker 1: of situation. I understand what you're saying. And then that's
Speaker 1: who Sometimes it's not fair to the person in the middle,
Speaker 1: because then they feel like, well damn, what do I
Speaker 1: do know? The person in the middle is the one
Speaker 1: who started everything. But this case, right, he's the one
Speaker 1: who went back and said, my wife said. So now
Speaker 1: when your wife says I don't want your family here,
Speaker 1: you have to relay to them that you're not invited.
Speaker 1: And the fact that you feel bad about that wouldn't
Speaker 1: even be happening right now if you didn't go back
Speaker 1: and say that you got a man up from ear
Speaker 1: and say, listen, guys, I got married. I'm getting married.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, this wife, You've been married
Speaker 1: for ten years, so imagine how long this has been
Speaker 1: going exhausting exactly. My wife is my wife is my priority.
Speaker 1: And we're going to talk about this on another podcast.
Speaker 1: But for me as a man, once I get married
Speaker 1: and my mom took and shout out to my mom.
Speaker 1: You know, we we were talking about parents and stuff
Speaker 1: like that. But remember when you first got pregnant and
Speaker 1: my mom wasn't around that much. My mom wasn't around.
Speaker 1: You know, I felt away because I was like, damn,
Speaker 1: your mother is always here? Why my Why isn't my
Speaker 1: mom here? And then I talked to my mother about it,
Speaker 1: and she said about, do you know if your wife
Speaker 1: wants a meddling mother in law in her house, that's
Speaker 1: her house. You guys are building a family on your own.
Speaker 1: I don't need to be there to tell her what
Speaker 1: to do. Her mom is there. The same way your sister.
Speaker 1: When your sister gets pregnant, I'm going to be there
Speaker 1: for your sister. But at points you have to know
Speaker 1: when to step off. It's a different point. It's a
Speaker 1: different type of relationship a different dynamic because I do
Speaker 1: know of some women who have mothers in law that
Speaker 1: they're just like I'd rather her just not come around
Speaker 1: at all, whereas with us, we're so close to family.
Speaker 1: Why is your mom not here? You know? But also too,
Speaker 1: she was trying to be respectful, respect you know what
Speaker 1: I may be thinking or maybe feeling. So what we
Speaker 1: said to her, No, Mom, we actually would like for
Speaker 1: you to be around and involved. And it's cool if
Speaker 1: you want to offer to take the kids, like I
Speaker 1: ain't gonna turn down. Nobody's saying like, especially my in
Speaker 1: law is like, y'all want to keep these kids, I
Speaker 1: will ship them to you. But it's also understanding their
Speaker 1: history because my mom came from a situation where my grandmother,
Speaker 1: my father's mother, she every house she went to was
Speaker 1: her house. It don't matter if it was her daughter's house,
Speaker 1: her siblings house. She was the oldest. She grew up
Speaker 1: in the South, so she took care of everybody. She
Speaker 1: dropped out of school in eighth grade to take care
Speaker 1: of her siblings, so that's all she did. So when
Speaker 1: she went to people's house, she made it her home.
Speaker 1: So for my mom, it was a little imposing. So
Speaker 1: as she got older, she realized, you know, I don't
Speaker 1: want to be that imposing mother in law. So sometimes
Speaker 1: it's not so much just knowing your spouse, it's also
Speaker 1: knowing their family history so you can understand. So with
Speaker 1: your mom, it was a lack of interest. It was
Speaker 1: just her trying to be respectful of our space and
Speaker 1: in her being, you know, being transparent enough afterwards to
Speaker 1: say to me, you know what, maybe I could have
Speaker 1: been around, But I thought I was doing this for
Speaker 1: you guys. I thought I was hoping. You know, that's
Speaker 1: part of it. Maybe maybe this young lady, I know
Speaker 1: it's been ten years, Maybe you have a sit down
Speaker 1: with his mom or with his sisters and say, listen,
Speaker 1: everything that's being said to you, it's not just me,
Speaker 1: it's me and him. I want to be clear because
Speaker 1: this is how I feel. Once you have that conversation
Speaker 1: and everything's on the table, they have the right to
Speaker 1: choose and behave the way they want, and you have
Speaker 1: the right to choose and behave the way she has.
Speaker 1: That's a good idea sometimes that it's things get lost
Speaker 1: in the shell full when the conversation goes from one
Speaker 1: house to another, because we don't know even just in
Speaker 1: his body language or what his family, how he's telling it,
Speaker 1: so it may be worth it to do with sit
Speaker 1: down like we enlisted that with our family. You like
Speaker 1: sitting down with everybody in the room so we can
Speaker 1: all be clear and then we move forward accordingly. And
Speaker 1: if someone chooses to move side ways and you're just like,
Speaker 1: well they're gonna move sideways, and now that's the way
Speaker 1: it is. There, you go trying to try to set
Speaker 1: up a conversation, see if you get everybody together. If
Speaker 1: you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters,
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Good job,
Speaker 1: good job. All right, So we're going to round it
Speaker 1: out with the moment of truth? Do you have when
Speaker 1: did you take notes today? That's right, and it's one
Speaker 1: thing that you said that became a moment of truth
Speaker 1: right with dealing with family, create a safe space for
Speaker 1: your parents to be exactly who they are. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: a good one because everything comes from your parents. You
Speaker 1: you begin seeing the world through the windows that your
Speaker 1: parents provide, and your parents feel because I felt this
Speaker 1: way with Jackson and Kyro and Kaz, that I have
Speaker 1: to present myself in a certain way to gain their respect.
Speaker 1: Once you get older and you become an adult, and
Speaker 1: you create a safe space for your parents to be
Speaker 1: exactly who they are and they don't feel like they're
Speaker 1: being judged by their children. Because even your mom said
Speaker 1: to me when we were smoking hooka and tom and nine,
Speaker 1: and she said, how would you look at me if
Speaker 1: I smoke hugar like this? She was like, no, you know,
Speaker 1: I have to. And I started to realize, you know,
Speaker 1: maybe we're not creating a safe space for mom not
Speaker 1: to feel judged, you know, because kids tend to do
Speaker 1: that your mom say something, you laugh and sneak up
Speaker 1: between siblings, and if you don't, if you don't all
Speaker 1: the time, and that to everybody. So if you don't
Speaker 1: create a safe space for them to be who they are,
Speaker 1: they're not going to open up. And if they can't
Speaker 1: open up, they can't help you in generational traumas yea
Speaker 1: and and change things and have open dialogue. So for me,
Speaker 1: what I learned is sometimes it's not always about the kids.
Speaker 1: Got to create a safe space for your parents. Oh,
Speaker 1: I love that that one is really good. Um, I
Speaker 1: have a lot of things that I say it's my
Speaker 1: moment of truth. However, I feel like what sums it
Speaker 1: up for me is, uh, the sooner you realize that
Speaker 1: you have autonomy over your time and your emotions, the
Speaker 1: sooner you'll be able to remove yourself from situations even
Speaker 1: with family, that you have no place in. And I
Speaker 1: think that that's important for people. It's a form of
Speaker 1: self care that we've been thrown around that that terms
Speaker 1: so much nowadays, but it's so important to know when
Speaker 1: you have to walk away from situations, know the importance
Speaker 1: of boundaries and being unapologetic about it because I feel
Speaker 1: like a lot of people when it comes to family
Speaker 1: are very concerned naturally, which makes sense about how so
Speaker 1: and so will receive it, And in having to always
Speaker 1: be concern earned about how somebody else is taking it,
Speaker 1: it takes away from the way you feel. Um, and
Speaker 1: don't do that anymore. Stop sacrificing the way you feel
Speaker 1: just to appease others because you control your own happiness.
Speaker 1: There you go, You know, I like it. So if
Speaker 1: you do two of those things, hopefully you guys will
Speaker 1: be Yeah, you have been a better place for your life,
Speaker 1: your time, your your energy, your space. Like protect that
Speaker 1: ship at all costs. You protected at all costs. Well,
Speaker 1: I hope you I have fun with us today. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it started off right with the yeah and
Speaker 1: that was good. He turned up today and you turned
Speaker 1: up today. Well listen. Be sure to find us on
Speaker 1: social media at dead as the Podcast as d E
Speaker 1: A D A S S T h E p O
Speaker 1: D c A s T. You just love to spell
Speaker 1: it out because you gotta spell stuff out for people
Speaker 1: sometimes that's true. People be like dead as the Podcast
Speaker 1: is that d a podcast? You got to spell it
Speaker 1: absolutely right an auto correctly, having people all jacks see,
Speaker 1: I gotta tell what to do when you learn something.
Speaker 1: Y'all know where to find me. Cadeen, I am and
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