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Speaker 1: Cadeem real talk. The only reason why we still together

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Speaker 1: is because my family. I don't know to reil you.

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Speaker 1: Oh shut because if I told my mother how you

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Speaker 1: that is all lives. Listen. You don't understand. But your

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Speaker 1: mom and I we have an unspoken just gaze because

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Speaker 1: she understands my plan and I understand hers. She raised

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Speaker 1: you for eighteen years and I had the next eighteen.

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Speaker 1: All right, so out you don't raise nothing. You may

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Speaker 1: get the raised, or you gonna get the raised. I

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Speaker 1: have had significantly better relationships with my family when I

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Speaker 1: took them off of this imaginary pedestal and treated them

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Speaker 1: as the human beings that they are. Dead as dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know

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Speaker 1: us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading

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Speaker 1: each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll

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Speaker 1: make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more

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Speaker 1: important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created

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Speaker 1: this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most

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Speaker 1: taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about

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Speaker 1: through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds

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Speaker 1: is the term that we say every day. So when

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Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth,

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Speaker 1: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about

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Speaker 1: to take Phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead

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Speaker 1: ass starts right now. Son't we talking about family today?

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Speaker 1: And it was only right that in talking about family? Yes,

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Speaker 1: I had to dig into my roots a little bit. Okay,

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Speaker 1: we have a couple of options when it came to

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Speaker 1: family songs. You know this top con family. Yes, you

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Speaker 1: say family. However, I feel turned this morning. You know

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Speaker 1: what I mean? I feel turned up. You know, my

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Speaker 1: coffee is kicking in, so I feel like we need

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Speaker 1: to go off. Can you give me a beat real quick? Ready,

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Speaker 1: let's see. We want to see how how well did

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Speaker 1: our caught onto this West Indian culture. Listen, listen, I am.

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Speaker 1: I am Jamaican by way of flesh. But today it's

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Speaker 1: a little soca. Today it's a little soap into the

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Speaker 1: st vincent side side. Uh huh. This is particularly from

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Speaker 1: our guys in Okay, shout out to you know. I

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Speaker 1: still haven't made Carnival yet. That's on my bucket list

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Speaker 1: to get that. Let me get snatched and Corona needs

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Speaker 1: to go away, I wrote I need fret all right, ready,

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Speaker 1: d D D dingus when we rule, we don't rud

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Speaker 1: so anyway that week no way moving heavy? Wait wait,

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Speaker 1: I'm Lily with Lily. When we comfortable, I'm not asking

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Speaker 1: move like moving up together? Watch watch watch weay spells

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Speaker 1: it as a child, right, you have no choice but

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Speaker 1: to kind of just take your family ship right pretty much.

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Speaker 1: But as adults, the dynamic changes now because we're all

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Speaker 1: grown as people, and what you're willing to tolerate changes.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to have a discussion on healthy are

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Speaker 1: creating healthy boundaries with family and how to handle those shifts,

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Speaker 1: you know, because sometimes we're uncomfortable with establishing boundaries because

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Speaker 1: we think that, you know, what, their family. However, there

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Speaker 1: are people however, however, snatch the ear. They are people. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that being said, tell me about your story time, because

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Speaker 1: we got stories for days when it comes to families,

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Speaker 1: especially family, but this family did this story in particular.

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to single out any one of our

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Speaker 1: siblings in particular, so I decided to tell a story

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Speaker 1: that encompasses all of the siblings, even though it's going

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Speaker 1: to be about one sibling. You know, you got a

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Speaker 1: brother and sister. I got a brother and sister. All

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Speaker 1: of them at one point have done this all right,

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Speaker 1: So y'all know when y'all got that sibling right, and

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Speaker 1: that sibling is dating someone, then the sibling walks in

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Speaker 1: the house and the sibling is upset. Now the sibling

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Speaker 1: comes to you and tells you everything that they're significant

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Speaker 1: other has done to them. So they're mad. Now I'm

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Speaker 1: over this. I'm over that. I'm done. I'm finished. I

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Speaker 1: ain't I know more. I'm ain't no more as over

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Speaker 1: as over. So now you say you over? So we

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Speaker 1: over the collective. You said you've done. We done. Fast

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Speaker 1: forward two days the significant others now sitting in the

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Speaker 1: living room and you're like, match, didn't you say we

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Speaker 1: was done? It was done? What is he or she

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Speaker 1: doing here now? So now the significant others looking at

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Speaker 1: you in your face, you're looking at them and they

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Speaker 1: face and you see them looking at you. When you

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Speaker 1: let them know that I know what you did to

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Speaker 1: my siblings, and you gotta let them know he or

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Speaker 1: she may be done with the eyes you are looking

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Speaker 1: with the ice grill. Let them know he or she

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Speaker 1: your sibling may be done, but I ain't done. I

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Speaker 1: ain't over it. And now the siblings hitting you with

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Speaker 1: the you gotta learn him to let things do. This

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Speaker 1: is between me and him or her. I don't want

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Speaker 1: you to take that energy downstairs. You're making it awkward. No,

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Speaker 1: you made it awkward. Yes, oh my god. Everybody has

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Speaker 1: been there before, and I have been there with each

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Speaker 1: of my siblings on your side and my side. And

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Speaker 1: it's so true because the best part about all this

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Speaker 1: is that if I'm your friend, if i'm your family,

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Speaker 1: but what if I'm not working with you, Yeah, you're

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Speaker 1: not working with them since person, That's just what it is.

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Speaker 1: That's just what it is, just like an unset thing.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, that that is a great one. So now

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Speaker 1: this is the funny part, right, and this is where

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Speaker 1: it takes me to this dealing with family. When you're

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Speaker 1: a child, you're told you have to be involved with

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Speaker 1: certain things. Right, So when the holidays come around, a

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Speaker 1: special occasions, weddings, funerals, you're forced to be around certain people.

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Speaker 1: What's the first thing your mother and your father say

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Speaker 1: when you see someone, So you better smile, you better

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Speaker 1: give hugs. When you become an adult, and now you

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Speaker 1: can make your own decisions. He moved, funny, Yeah, someone

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Speaker 1: so moved funny, she moved funny. So yeah, so almost.

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Speaker 1: I am going to protect my my mental health a

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Speaker 1: form of self care from warm self care, and I'm

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Speaker 1: going to remove myself from all forms of toxicity, as

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Speaker 1: we talked about I think in season two we talked

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Speaker 1: about the toxicity. You got to remove yourself from the toxicity,

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Speaker 1: and then that becomes an issue within your family because

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Speaker 1: now you're an adult and you can make choices for

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Speaker 1: yourself interest that your family is like, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: where is the vout where it's Cadine? How come they

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Speaker 1: ain't stay long? How come they ain't speak in the soone?

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Speaker 1: So it's because when you become an adult, you have

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Speaker 1: to start making boundaries to protect your health and wellness. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: how do you do that? Well, you know what, before

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Speaker 1: we go to that, because I want to go back

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Speaker 1: to story time because tyfically, we tell the story and

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Speaker 1: then it's just like, you know, okay, So let's go

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Speaker 1: back to story time and let's unravel that a bit.

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Speaker 1: So with story time, now, you told us about the

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Speaker 1: situation with brother, sister or whatever, who have all had

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Speaker 1: this circumstance and We're expected to just pick up the

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Speaker 1: pieces and move on like everything is normal, but we're

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Speaker 1: not over it. So how did that positive or negatively

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Speaker 1: affect your relationship with the siblings? Because I know how

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Speaker 1: it has for me. So so this is this is

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Speaker 1: what I've learned to cover as the oldest, just like

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Speaker 1: you as the oldest. We've also been given that that

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Speaker 1: title as almost half parent. Yes, because fortunately and unfortunately. Right, So,

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Speaker 1: since you're the oldest, you're responsible to give the example,

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Speaker 1: be the example, but also lead in a way where

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Speaker 1: your siblings tend to look to you for guidance. Absolutely,

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Speaker 1: and just so people know if they don't know our

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Speaker 1: family dynamic, Devo and I are the oldest. Um. I

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Speaker 1: am older by the older than Devout by like four

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Speaker 1: months and cooler she came in. It's all good. Robbed

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Speaker 1: the cradle, okay, um. And then we have brothers in

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Speaker 1: the middle. So Brian is three and a half years

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Speaker 1: younger than three years two and a half, right, Interest

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Speaker 1: is three and a half younger than me. And then

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Speaker 1: we have sisters Czaris ten years younger and almost literally

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Speaker 1: the same dynamic that we're going through with our brothers

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Speaker 1: and sisters. So what tends to happen as the oldest

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Speaker 1: is that you you tend to give advice or give guidance.

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Speaker 1: But as the oldest of some of the things that

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Speaker 1: come with that is that you want people to listen

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Speaker 1: to you and all of the guidance you give, and

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Speaker 1: then when you do you give guidance and they don't listen,

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Speaker 1: you feel disrespected. I have felt that in my whole life.

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Speaker 1: My thing is is, you know, you asked me for advice.

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Speaker 1: I give you advice and you do the opposite. Why

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Speaker 1: the fun you ask me for a vice? Like you

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Speaker 1: just wasting my high A broth want that I have

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Speaker 1: mixed opinions about you and opinions because sometimes I feel like,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to ask about his opinion.

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Speaker 1: You can give me your opinion and then I take

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Speaker 1: it and I do with it what I want. He

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Speaker 1: gets mad. Devout gets so mad if I say, devou,

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Speaker 1: should I wear this hoop airing or the stud airing?

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Speaker 1: And He'll be like, m I like the stud was

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Speaker 1: like okay, cool. Then I'll reassess that and be like

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Speaker 1: you know what, No, I really like the hoops. So

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Speaker 1: I come out with the hoops and then you were

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Speaker 1: mad because I'm wearing a hoop. You like, didn't tell

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Speaker 1: you to wear the stud I'm like, I asked you

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Speaker 1: for your opinion, I didn't ask you for the final say,

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Speaker 1: I'm glad you brought that up. I'm going to now,

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Speaker 1: I'm going to read direct direct you to come here.

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Speaker 1: And it's not it's not it's not more to combat.

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Speaker 1: But even though you're older than me, you know, in

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Speaker 1: your coolger, I still it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter

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Speaker 1: when you ask me for my opinion on my advice

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Speaker 1: or something. Right. I then assume the role of the expert,

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Speaker 1: since you're asking me okay, I assume the role as experts,

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Speaker 1: since you've asked me okay. Now, what Codeine likes to do?

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Speaker 1: Much like my siblings on both sides, they don't really

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Speaker 1: want nobody opinion on the advice. They want affirmation for

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Speaker 1: what they already want to do. So what you do,

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Speaker 1: like my younger siblings, has already had this idea in

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Speaker 1: your mind of what you want to do, and then

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Speaker 1: you say devout what you think about this, And if

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Speaker 1: I say yeah, do that, then they're like gung hole,

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Speaker 1: yeah go go. But if I say no, I don't

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Speaker 1: do that. Then they're like, yeah, but I really want

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Speaker 1: to do this, and then they keep asking me in

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Speaker 1: different ways until I agree with them, and I'm like,

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Speaker 1: why do you do that? Why don't you just tell

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Speaker 1: me what you want to do and it's story, that's

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Speaker 1: what you do. But this, but this is what caused

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Speaker 1: rifts and families though, because think about it, and and

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Speaker 1: the younger siblings are not always at fault. I found

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Speaker 1: the fault in myself, like I said before, is that

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Speaker 1: I feel like if you ask me for my advice,

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Speaker 1: you've got to take it. Can't do that to people.

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Speaker 1: People have their own process in life. We talked about

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Speaker 1: processes before, right, People have their own processes in life.

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Speaker 1: Since I was first in life, I've been successful at

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Speaker 1: things and I've been unsuccessful at things. So I don't

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Speaker 1: want my brother and my sister to be unsuccessful with

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Speaker 1: things in life that I want un successful. So I

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Speaker 1: want them to go through the process I went through

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Speaker 1: and avoid those pitfalls, which is like the parent situation,

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Speaker 1: the parent child relationship. Whereas with our children, we can

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Speaker 1: see the the obstacle and it's like, bro, but I know,

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Speaker 1: like the shortcut to get around the obstacle. But you

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Speaker 1: kind of have to do it yourself and fail or

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Speaker 1: fall or whatever. So I get that, but there's nothing

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Speaker 1: I've learned though. Just because I failed at doing something

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean that someone else doing the same thing is

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Speaker 1: going to fail because their process may be different, they

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Speaker 1: may have a different gift or talent that allows them

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Speaker 1: to be successful. I had to learn that throughout life.

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Speaker 1: So what I learned to do what family is I

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Speaker 1: learned to since we're all adults now, right, step back

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Speaker 1: and allow my family and I'm going to get to

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Speaker 1: my parents in a minute too, because it's not even

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Speaker 1: just my siblings. Allow my siblings to live their life.

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Speaker 1: Stop being an enabler, bailing them out when I know

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Speaker 1: I can, you know, to stop being a crutch and

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Speaker 1: telling them things are gonna be okay when I know

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Speaker 1: it's not going to be okay just so they feel better,

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Speaker 1: and just step back and ask this question, well, what

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Speaker 1: do you want to do? You know what I'm saying, like,

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Speaker 1: you gotta do that to family, And I learned that

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Speaker 1: I got to do that to my parents as well.

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Speaker 1: Now I hear you. I mean I I think about

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Speaker 1: this story that you gave and feeling the effects of

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Speaker 1: it with you our siblings, and I think that it has,

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Speaker 1: if anything, more positively affected our relationship than negatively. And

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Speaker 1: I say that because, aside from me feeling whatever kind

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Speaker 1: of way I would feel towards their significant other at

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Speaker 1: the time, when I removed myself from that dynamic in

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Speaker 1: their life, it then strengthens the bond that I have

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Speaker 1: with them as a brother or a sister whose I

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Speaker 1: can just be there for them in that moment. That's

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Speaker 1: why it's like, I don't want to talk to your

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Speaker 1: significant other. I don't want to hear whose side this

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Speaker 1: side that side, trying to take sides. At that point,

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Speaker 1: it's not about taking sides. It's just about me saying,

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Speaker 1: you know what, I'm here for you in case you

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Speaker 1: need anything, but I'm going to keep my opinion to

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Speaker 1: myself and we and I'm okay with just being your

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Speaker 1: sister and just chilling. If you want to event you

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Speaker 1: want the sounding board, that's great, But I don't necessarily

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Speaker 1: want to have to offer up advice and opinions, especially

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Speaker 1: if it's unsolicited, because sometimes I just want event, you know,

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Speaker 1: So let me ask you a question. You know how

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Speaker 1: people say there's a there's a meme going around a

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Speaker 1: sort on social media that says relationships and not a

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Speaker 1: community projects. Right, I agree, but I do kind of

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Speaker 1: disagree with that because then we'll also say it takes

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Speaker 1: a village. Right, when you get married, you want the

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Speaker 1: people in your family in your village to celebrate your

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Speaker 1: marri yes, right. If you have kids and you there's

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Speaker 1: things you want to do in life, you ask people

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Speaker 1: for help. Right. So my thing is you can't then

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Speaker 1: say it's not a community project when it's convenient for

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Speaker 1: you to do things that you want to do that

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Speaker 1: people may not agree with, but then say it takes

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Speaker 1: a village. When you need help, you have to make

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Speaker 1: a choice. So how do you how do you deal

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Speaker 1: with that aspect because we all have family, parents, siblings,

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Speaker 1: cousins who do that when they need you for something,

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Speaker 1: they want all the help. But then when you have

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Speaker 1: an opinion about how they're doing something, they you know,

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Speaker 1: I didn't ask for that. How do you do right? Well,

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Speaker 1: that's when you have to now set your own boundaries

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Speaker 1: and you have to say, Okay, what you're not going

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Speaker 1: to be allowed is just access to just in and

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Speaker 1: out whenever you feel to, just like, ask me for

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Speaker 1: help or me need you need me to bail you

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Speaker 1: out of something like this is not a revolving door

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Speaker 1: of just something that's gonna benefit you, because then the

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Speaker 1: relationship becomes very one sided. No, I feel like there's

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Speaker 1: one person that's benefiting and then there's another person who's

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Speaker 1: just always the giver, you know, And at what point

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Speaker 1: are we pouring back and forth into this relationship? You know?

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Speaker 1: It has to go both ways. So I agree that

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Speaker 1: it's not a community project in that you don't necessarily

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Speaker 1: have to include outside the opinions and everything all the

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Speaker 1: time every time something goes wrong. But if you have

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Speaker 1: a little snag in your relationship, you can then solicit

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Speaker 1: the help or solicit the advice. If you do, you

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Speaker 1: take it, or you take it or you take what

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Speaker 1: you want from it, and then you don't. But you

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Speaker 1: cannot also expect people to just roll over and continue

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Speaker 1: to give, give, give, and you not. You know that

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Speaker 1: I like that, And I'll tell you an example of

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Speaker 1: seeing that. I had a homeboy right who his sister

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Speaker 1: got married to someone that he was not fond of.

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Speaker 1: He let that happen, didn't didn't trip on it. They

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Speaker 1: ended up having children. So he's you know, the favorite uncle.

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Speaker 1: So he asked, you know, they asked him, can you

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Speaker 1: watch the kids so we can do a date night.

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Speaker 1: Can you watch the kids? Blah blah blah blah blah.

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Speaker 1: So he's like fine, but then when he goes over there,

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Speaker 1: he sees certain things as an uncle that he's just

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Speaker 1: like not fond of, and he just tries to give

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Speaker 1: advice on and his system was like, I don't need

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Speaker 1: you to tell me how to parent my kids. You

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Speaker 1: could just watch them. So he said a boundary and said, well,

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Speaker 1: since I'm not allowed to be involved in the rearing

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Speaker 1: or raising these children, I just don't want to watch them.

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Speaker 1: And at first I was just like, bro, you're gonna

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Speaker 1: do that to your nephews. And then he was just

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Speaker 1: kind of like, it's not about my nephew. It's about

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Speaker 1: sending a boundary for myself because what I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: be is a floor mat. And I was like, damn,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna use that because because it became obvious to

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Speaker 1: me there that it's really not about the kids. It's

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Speaker 1: about you. You You you like, you have the right

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Speaker 1: to protect your mental health and your sanctity by by

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Speaker 1: saying you know what, you're sanity. You'r sanity by saying,

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Speaker 1: you know what, this situation here is toxic for me,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be around. That's it you. He

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Speaker 1: children removed himself, and at times with family will deal

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Speaker 1: with people being toxic because we feel obligated to that

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Speaker 1: relate relationship, that blood relationship, you know what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: And then what in turn happening is that he removed himself,

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Speaker 1: and then his sister started to realize, like gang, she

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Speaker 1: had to move different differently because it's like, I need

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Speaker 1: the help, you know what I'm saying, So let me

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Speaker 1: find out what he sees differently, which is very different

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Speaker 1: from even just our dynamic for example, my brother and

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Speaker 1: my sister, your brother and your sister. We I think

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Speaker 1: agree that as parents with our siblings and our parents specifically,

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Speaker 1: they have the right too if our children is doing

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Speaker 1: something wrong, say something or intervene or discipline to an extent.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's it's important that that could probably

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Speaker 1: be a whole another episode of discipline and children and

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Speaker 1: how that spirals into like family and the trickle down

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Speaker 1: effect of how your children are behaving and stuff with

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Speaker 1: other family members. But you know, I know that you

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Speaker 1: and I would feel comfortable if we were to leave

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Speaker 1: our brother and sister with our children and somebody was

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Speaker 1: acting up like he can feel free to say. Or

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Speaker 1: my sister at times, I said, you know, you know

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Speaker 1: how she may have felt about something that one of

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Speaker 1: the kids have done, and I appreciate the feedback. I

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Speaker 1: don't take that as a well, don't parent my kids

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Speaker 1: because they're not your kids. And I can never see

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Speaker 1: myself saying that as much as my sister helps us.

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Speaker 1: So that's the question, here's here's here's also what I

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Speaker 1: had to you know I spoke to him about, was, um,

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Speaker 1: you do also understand that when you're at their house

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Speaker 1: for a small period of time, you get a sample

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Speaker 1: size of what it's like to be a parent. It's

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Speaker 1: hard for people who have kids, who around their children

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Speaker 1: all the time to take advice from someone who doesn't

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Speaker 1: have kids, who you only come to be the fun

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Speaker 1: uncle to now be given. You know what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: because we we had this conversation. As a as a parent,

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Speaker 1: I well, first, as a child, I remember some of

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Speaker 1: my aunts and uncle's saying things to my parents. For example,

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Speaker 1: they told my parents that we talked too much. I

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Speaker 1: talked that too much. You're saying the film is devoted

362
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Speaker 1: back to much. You give him too much leeway to

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Speaker 1: say his opinion. And I remember my my father saying,

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Speaker 1: you have your children, I have my children. Let me

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Speaker 1: raise my children the way I want to raise my children.

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Speaker 1: And I think my father allowing me to be open

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Speaker 1: and opinion and expressive created who I am to daysolutely,

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Speaker 1: you know, I'm saying. So, whereas your aunt and uncle whoever,

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Speaker 1: may not have seen value in that. They just thought

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Speaker 1: maybe this was a child talking out of turn, or

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Speaker 1: just like being a rebel questioning authority. They might have

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Speaker 1: been seeing it in the mindset like if he goes

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Speaker 1: out there and always has something to say, God forbid,

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Speaker 1: he's in the wrong situation with a cop or something

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Speaker 1: that might issue. That's exactly what it was, like, Well,

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Speaker 1: I want my son to be able to express how

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Speaker 1: he feels that time. You know. So it's also knowing,

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Speaker 1: you know, knowing where your places in the family. If

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Speaker 1: you're the fun uncle, you're the fun aunt. You can't

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Speaker 1: come in here and trying to be doctor Phil we

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Speaker 1: around these kids. Four seven, I'm gonna need you to

382
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Speaker 1: back up because the last time my kids were in

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Speaker 1: New York, my brother, the fun Uncle gave him like

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Speaker 1: a thousand nic season. Bro, Like, you know, Jack, Like,

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Speaker 1: can I have Jane jail? I'm like, you don't even

386
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Speaker 1: you're not supposed to drink solder. He's like, well, Chriss

387
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Speaker 1: gave me and really, but that's what the fun Uncle does.

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Speaker 1: Let me ask you another question, Okay, dealing with parents,

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Speaker 1: there's a shift that happens when you become an adult

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Speaker 1: where you realize that your parents are I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to say you're equal, you know what I'm saying, but

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Speaker 1: you have just as much right to live in your

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Speaker 1: truth as they do. Yes, when did that happen to

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Speaker 1: for you and your parents? And how did you make

395
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Speaker 1: that transition? Was it a smooth transition or was it?

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Speaker 1: Or is it still? Kind of like I asked my mom,

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Speaker 1: let me not say this. How does that that work? Well? Um,

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Speaker 1: it's like a loaded, loaded question. Um. When it comes

399
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Speaker 1: to my parents, I was raised in again, like I've

400
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,359
Speaker 1: said time and time again, you're I would say traditional

401
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:35,159
Speaker 1: Caribbean West Indian up you know, upbringing both of my

402
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,440
Speaker 1: parents from Jamaica and St. Vincent and there was always

403
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Speaker 1: the biggest thing was just respect, like respect, respect, respect

404
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:46,840
Speaker 1: and respect. It showed itself in so many different ways

405
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Speaker 1: in terms of like if my mom calls me Kadin,

406
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Speaker 1: I'm like yes mom, Like god forbid, I'm like yes,

407
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Speaker 1: or yeah, it's like what it Sho'll call my name

408
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Speaker 1: several times until she gets like the yes mom. You know.

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Speaker 1: So everything was just about respect. Um, everything was about

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Speaker 1: the way things looked to the outside world or to

411
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Speaker 1: other people. Um. There was a lot of that. So

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Speaker 1: I was always very mindful and very like conscious of

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Speaker 1: like doing things in the way of being myself because

414
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Speaker 1: I was just worried about how it would be received.

415
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Speaker 1: And that has affected me, I think in my adult

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Speaker 1: life to an extent to Although my parents did empower

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Speaker 1: me to be who I wanted to be, there were

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Speaker 1: also those those moments where I felt like them, I

419
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Speaker 1: can't really be all that I want to be in

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Speaker 1: this moment because I have to carve some things to myself.

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Speaker 1: Um and naturally growing up as a child, you know,

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Speaker 1: my mom being a super strong woman, I mean, hard worker,

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Speaker 1: my dad providing a life than working together. It was

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Speaker 1: great to see that and it was something that my

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Speaker 1: mom instilled in me to be independent and to be

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Speaker 1: you know, my own person and to follow whatever dreams

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00:21:47,359 --> 00:21:50,320
Speaker 1: that were like she she she definitely Um showed me

428
00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:53,560
Speaker 1: how much she believed in me. So I had a

429
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,760
Speaker 1: great respect for my parents because I felt like they

430
00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:58,840
Speaker 1: were affording me a lifestyle to be able to do

431
00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,560
Speaker 1: whatever I wanted of building all of this up to say,

432
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 1: and then they changed. However, right, you feel like you're

433
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,800
Speaker 1: doing all of this not because I had to, because

434
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,720
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't just coming on here and

435
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:13,119
Speaker 1: just be like all my parents like you know, no,

436
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:15,359
Speaker 1: they literally did everything to make me the woman that

437
00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:17,159
Speaker 1: I am today, So I could never take that for

438
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,200
Speaker 1: granted or never give them their props for that. However,

439
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 1: with me, the shift happened when, like I said in

440
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:27,560
Speaker 1: my sound about earlier, you have your parents, particularly because

441
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:29,560
Speaker 1: they're who you look up to. Their your first loves,

442
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,800
Speaker 1: that your first you know, this is what I want

443
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:35,240
Speaker 1: life to be people. Um, they were on this pedestal

444
00:22:35,320 --> 00:22:37,119
Speaker 1: for me where I felt like my parents were just

445
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:41,240
Speaker 1: super human, like they were untouchable, they were beyond perfect.

446
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:45,080
Speaker 1: They were you know, the epitome of the perfect person.

447
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:48,440
Speaker 1: And that was me as a child, as I grew

448
00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:51,040
Speaker 1: up as I became an adult, as I started dating you,

449
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,080
Speaker 1: As I married you, I became a mother, there was

450
00:22:54,119 --> 00:22:56,760
Speaker 1: a shift in the way I viewed my parents. So

451
00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:58,720
Speaker 1: you just set that up. So as I started dating you,

452
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,399
Speaker 1: it was a shift in the way I viewed my parents. Listen,

453
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:05,360
Speaker 1: j don't listen to listen to the daughter, some say

454
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,720
Speaker 1: the city camera. I did not change the way your daughter.

455
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:11,680
Speaker 1: You only said that. I thought you were crazy when

456
00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,480
Speaker 1: I first walked in the door, so I thought you

457
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,840
Speaker 1: was crazy from some No, I say that to the

458
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 1: got older, like I met you at eighteen, so we

459
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:24,800
Speaker 1: grew into adulthood together. So that's when I say, you know,

460
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,399
Speaker 1: I use you as a timeline because we met at eighteen,

461
00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,600
Speaker 1: and here I am, you know, a little older, and

462
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:34,320
Speaker 1: I can now see exactly what it was. I had

463
00:23:34,359 --> 00:23:38,440
Speaker 1: to realize that the way my parents are who they are.

464
00:23:39,119 --> 00:23:43,800
Speaker 1: They're human beings. They're entitled to make mistakes. They're entitled

465
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,240
Speaker 1: to feel a way about whatever has transpired in their

466
00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,280
Speaker 1: life that brought them to the point that they're at now.

467
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,760
Speaker 1: They're entitled to be, you know, resentful. They're entitled to

468
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,760
Speaker 1: do feel the way they feel. And I cannot hold

469
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,000
Speaker 1: that against them any longer. I hear that, but you

470
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,240
Speaker 1: kept saying like you held them to a high regard.

471
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,600
Speaker 1: That was level of respect was here. Then when you

472
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,480
Speaker 1: found out they were human, did like the level of

473
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:08,080
Speaker 1: respect drop a little bit? I want to say it didn't. Yeah,

474
00:24:08,119 --> 00:24:10,040
Speaker 1: it did a little bit. Be dead ass. That's the

475
00:24:10,119 --> 00:24:11,200
Speaker 1: name of the show. The name of the show is

476
00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,560
Speaker 1: dead ass. I will say that the level of respect

477
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:18,040
Speaker 1: did drop a little bit that in that I felt like,

478
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,600
Speaker 1: or I do feel like. Sometimes my parents don't own

479
00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:26,640
Speaker 1: their ships want to say about mine, and it's easy

480
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,480
Speaker 1: to place blame. Like we all at some point we'll say,

481
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,040
Speaker 1: you know, something didn't work out the way I wanted

482
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: to work out. It didn't work out because of this person,

483
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:36,159
Speaker 1: or because of that situation, or because of that. But

484
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,399
Speaker 1: there's never really an introspective look when it comes to

485
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:43,080
Speaker 1: my parents about how did I actually get to this point?

486
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:46,000
Speaker 1: Is there something that I did or I didn't do

487
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: that is now a result of where I am in

488
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,320
Speaker 1: my life. So I'm glad you brought that up because

489
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:55,680
Speaker 1: I have a theory as to why parents and children

490
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,840
Speaker 1: have so many issues, and the theory goes back to

491
00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:02,840
Speaker 1: what you just said. Parents do not like to own

492
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,680
Speaker 1: their ship, which means they're gonna do the best they

493
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,120
Speaker 1: can with what they have during the time that they're

494
00:25:09,119 --> 00:25:11,280
Speaker 1: trying to parent. But as we grow as people and

495
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,760
Speaker 1: as we evolve, things change and you realize that, you know, what,

496
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,919
Speaker 1: I should have did that differently, or I could have

497
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:20,560
Speaker 1: handled that. With parents, especially black parents, I've noticed it

498
00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,440
Speaker 1: in our parents generation, in our parents generation, in that generation,

499
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,800
Speaker 1: they're not willing to admit any fault or anything. So

500
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,840
Speaker 1: as a child, when you grow up thinking that you're

501
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,320
Speaker 1: always the reason why something is happening and you're never

502
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,160
Speaker 1: hearing anyone admit any fault, you start to take all

503
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,800
Speaker 1: of this on is it's me, it's me as me.

504
00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:39,000
Speaker 1: Then you become an adult, right, and then your window

505
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,080
Speaker 1: changes because you you and I say this, because you

506
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,720
Speaker 1: view the world through the window by which your parents provide.

507
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 1: Then you get to high school, you go to college,

508
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:48,479
Speaker 1: and all these other windows open up and you get

509
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,879
Speaker 1: to see different perspectives on things, and you realize, wait

510
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: a minute, my parents only looking at ship through one window.

511
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:55,840
Speaker 1: Now I have all these other different windows in my house.

512
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,679
Speaker 1: I see things. I'm a little bit more enlightened. Now,

513
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,760
Speaker 1: then you try to talk to your parents about the

514
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,680
Speaker 1: stuff that happens, and you know what they do. They

515
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:08,320
Speaker 1: act like the ship never happened, or they were well

516
00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,479
Speaker 1: within their right to just do that to you and

517
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,040
Speaker 1: not admit that, you know what, I could have handled

518
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,359
Speaker 1: that differently. I've been through that with my parents. I

519
00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,399
Speaker 1: was gonna say, do you have a particular scenario like

520
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,640
Speaker 1: with your parents when you felt like bro? They bro?

521
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:22,879
Speaker 1: I mean, I know, but I'm just tell the people

522
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,440
Speaker 1: because I know, and I'm gonna preface just by saying

523
00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:28,920
Speaker 1: that I don't blame my parents. Of course, it's never

524
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,640
Speaker 1: a blame, and I think that's part of treating them

525
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:33,240
Speaker 1: like human beings. They're allowed to make mistakes. We know

526
00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,480
Speaker 1: his parents. There's no handbook to this, like we're flaming

527
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,639
Speaker 1: it all out. But one thing I did learn, well,

528
00:26:37,680 --> 00:26:40,320
Speaker 1: I'll say that, go ahead. One one thing I will

529
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 1: say about my parents is I learned to respect my

530
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,080
Speaker 1: parents more as parents when I became a parent, because

531
00:26:46,119 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 1: I saw how many times, like I looked at myself

532
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,840
Speaker 1: and I said, damn, I messed that up with Jackson.

533
00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,080
Speaker 1: Ain't easy. It's not easy, and I can look at

534
00:26:52,080 --> 00:26:55,000
Speaker 1: it and we grew up in a different generation where

535
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,959
Speaker 1: you're allowed to be a lot more open, you know.

536
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,639
Speaker 1: We we embraced therapy, So I was generation is a

537
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 1: little bit more transparent when it comes to Jackson. When

538
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,280
Speaker 1: I'm making mistakes, I'll pull them to the side and like,

539
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 1: you know what, broad when I said I was gonna

540
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,520
Speaker 1: say that, I was gonna say as parents, now we

541
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 1: can apologize to our children. We can say that we

542
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:17,120
Speaker 1: were wrong, Like I'm okay with that, you know, whereas

543
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,120
Speaker 1: back in the day our parents were like, well, that's

544
00:27:19,119 --> 00:27:20,760
Speaker 1: just what happened, and that's just it, and that's just it.

545
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,520
Speaker 1: Or as a child, no matter what happens, you're at fault.

546
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:27,440
Speaker 1: And you know how they talk about passing on childhood

547
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:31,320
Speaker 1: trauma to kids. You know how many adults know that

548
00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 1: another adult did something to a child, and because that

549
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 1: adult is an adult and there's a child, it's either

550
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,600
Speaker 1: were sweeping under the rug, you know, or we blame

551
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,359
Speaker 1: the child for whatever happened. And what happens is that

552
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,399
Speaker 1: child is going to grow up with that trauma, and

553
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 1: that that child is going to take that trauma and

554
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,920
Speaker 1: unleash it on the whole family, or unleash it to

555
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:53,359
Speaker 1: the next person that they try to love because the

556
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,240
Speaker 1: parents and the adults in the family do not address

557
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,520
Speaker 1: the issues that they've had, you know, through generation's gonna

558
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:03,280
Speaker 1: fess up, right, So there's a whole lot of protection happened, actions,

559
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 1: very adverse protection. And it's it's sad because you start

560
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,600
Speaker 1: to lose respect for your parents as you become an

561
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,480
Speaker 1: adult because you realize they faults and when they don't,

562
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,959
Speaker 1: when they don't admit their fault, you like the hypocrite.

563
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,119
Speaker 1: You're a liar, right, and you can't even just admit

564
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,800
Speaker 1: your faults right this moment, Like you don't have to

565
00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:25,919
Speaker 1: be broadcasted, But just for the sake of our relationship,

566
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,439
Speaker 1: can we just at least say what it is like?

567
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 1: Can we just be real? Just so? Me and my

568
00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 1: father had the realist conversation at thirty six years of age.

569
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: I told you recently talking about me growing up, how

570
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:42,240
Speaker 1: I was treated. Um, I don't say that because I

571
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:46,120
Speaker 1: wasn't abused, like I was definitely privileged, but my parents

572
00:28:46,120 --> 00:28:49,200
Speaker 1: put a lot of pressure on me as the oldest child. Um.

573
00:28:49,280 --> 00:28:52,800
Speaker 1: They got married at one one, so they were raising

574
00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,840
Speaker 1: kids while they were children, and my father financially, was

575
00:28:56,840 --> 00:28:59,480
Speaker 1: wasn't in a place where he was living in abundance.

576
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:03,520
Speaker 1: So by the time my sister came around ten years later,

577
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 1: we was in a way better place. But my father

578
00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:10,000
Speaker 1: still held me and my brother to the standard by

579
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,400
Speaker 1: which he started when he was twenty one, and I

580
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,360
Speaker 1: felt like at times I couldn't do anything right. Everything

581
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,520
Speaker 1: that happened was my fault because my father, grown up

582
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,480
Speaker 1: in the house, never admit fault. Period. My father never

583
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:23,960
Speaker 1: admit fault, and my mom was always very quiet when

584
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,480
Speaker 1: something happened. She like, something happened and messed up. She

585
00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:28,480
Speaker 1: messed up. She didn't say anything. I think you felt

586
00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,840
Speaker 1: like that un till just recently anyway, like he's still

587
00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:33,320
Speaker 1: a month ago, That's what I'm saying. Like recently, we

588
00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:36,280
Speaker 1: had this conversation where he admitted to me that he

589
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,200
Speaker 1: raised all of us differently. He's a devout I raised

590
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 1: you differently because you were the first one, and because

591
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 1: I felt like you can handle it. And he said,

592
00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:48,840
Speaker 1: you know, Tor Brian, Brian follows you. So I felt

593
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,240
Speaker 1: like if I did this to you, Brian would then

594
00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,360
Speaker 1: follow in your footsteps and everything would be good. Your

595
00:29:54,400 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 1: sister is my baby girl. That's the only girl I have,

596
00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,440
Speaker 1: so I raised her completely different than I raised my

597
00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:02,760
Speaker 1: oldest son. So the reason why that mattered to me

598
00:30:02,880 --> 00:30:06,200
Speaker 1: is because one I understood that, but the fact that

599
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:10,360
Speaker 1: he admitted it for the first time ever, because before

600
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 1: it was all the same, no you did it, no

601
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,680
Speaker 1: you didn't. They used to piss me off so much

602
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,680
Speaker 1: because the way we were treated, the way we were disciplined,

603
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:22,640
Speaker 1: was different. So when you're disciplining a child, he's not

604
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:25,960
Speaker 1: old enough to understand why he's being disciplined differently. He

605
00:30:26,080 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 1: just feels like he's being picked on. And a lot

606
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:29,480
Speaker 1: of times I felt like I was being picked on.

607
00:30:29,800 --> 00:30:31,640
Speaker 1: So when I walked back in the house, I walked

608
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:34,200
Speaker 1: back into the house with this animosity, even as an adult,

609
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:36,840
Speaker 1: that if anything goes wrong, I'm going to get picked on.

610
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,320
Speaker 1: So there were certain little things that used to trigger me,

611
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:41,320
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying, and it wouldn't be a

612
00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,120
Speaker 1: big deal, but then it triggers me and I fly

613
00:30:43,240 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: off the handle anything like what the hell is wrong

614
00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:48,040
Speaker 1: with And it's because I'm triggered because of things that

615
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:51,120
Speaker 1: happened in our childhood that you never admitted. You know

616
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:53,600
Speaker 1: what I'm saying? And I think that we as as

617
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:57,560
Speaker 1: adults need to let our parents know when you become

618
00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,600
Speaker 1: an adult, like, hey, I know you're not perfect. You

619
00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:02,760
Speaker 1: don't got put on this facade that you are perfect,

620
00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 1: because once I realize that you're not perfect and you

621
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 1: keep put on that facade, you look fake, like a hypocrite. Yes,

622
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,680
Speaker 1: And it's like you almost want to create a safe

623
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:12,880
Speaker 1: space for your parents. I feel like as a child

624
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,440
Speaker 1: my parents, my parents created a safe space for me.

625
00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,640
Speaker 1: And being an adult now being a mother, being a

626
00:31:20,640 --> 00:31:22,960
Speaker 1: wife and stuff, I feel like I now want to

627
00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,560
Speaker 1: be a safe space for my parents, especially because they

628
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:30,240
Speaker 1: were not um kind of afforded that type of living

629
00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:32,920
Speaker 1: in their day because when it came to their parents

630
00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 1: and their siblings, it was like, let's not talk about it.

631
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 1: And I realized particularly with UM, because I feel like

632
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,520
Speaker 1: my father is very vocal about telling me how he

633
00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 1: feels about just everything. UM. My mom, however, is the

634
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:48,440
Speaker 1: one who was more of a private person and raised

635
00:31:48,480 --> 00:31:51,760
Speaker 1: to be super private. So with her, there was like

636
00:31:51,800 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 1: a hurdle that we had to get over because when

637
00:31:53,880 --> 00:31:56,280
Speaker 1: I would be like, Mom, just like tell me how

638
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 1: you feel about this, or Mom, I don't think you

639
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:01,160
Speaker 1: were right when you did this, she saw it as

640
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,480
Speaker 1: me attacking her, or she saw it as me taking

641
00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 1: like my dad's side, or taking someone else's side, whereas

642
00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: I'm just like, Sis, I'm just trying to be real

643
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:13,320
Speaker 1: with you in this moment because I feel like you

644
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: deserve for me to be honest. I deserve to be honest,

645
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:18,560
Speaker 1: and I want you to see how you look to

646
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:21,680
Speaker 1: to just us, not how you look to outside people,

647
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,840
Speaker 1: to the world or to the public, how you look

648
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:27,360
Speaker 1: to your children, who still look up to you and

649
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:29,800
Speaker 1: admire you and love you and respect you as their mom.

650
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:32,840
Speaker 1: But since you got it, like, she's used to being

651
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 1: the one to check people because she's also the oldest

652
00:32:35,560 --> 00:32:38,640
Speaker 1: of six siblings, and I think that when someone tries

653
00:32:38,680 --> 00:32:40,880
Speaker 1: to check her, she's like taking it back, like what,

654
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:44,840
Speaker 1: you know, So the checker has now become the checky,

655
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:47,880
Speaker 1: and it's just a whole hot mess, you know. But

656
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:49,479
Speaker 1: we've come to the point where I think we've been

657
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:53,120
Speaker 1: able to have really open conversations and I get a

658
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,560
Speaker 1: better understanding and then greater respect for why she is

659
00:32:56,600 --> 00:32:58,720
Speaker 1: the way she is and how she feels because she's

660
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 1: now open about it, you know. Yeah, And it's It's

661
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,000
Speaker 1: funny because we we always and you and I both

662
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 1: come from the firstborn perspective. I would I'm interested in

663
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 1: hearing what the second, the middle child, and the youngest

664
00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: feel about growing up in the house because they all

665
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:19,320
Speaker 1: have different tags. Oh. Absolutely, it's important for people to

666
00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:23,200
Speaker 1: know when they go visit family. Absolutely know you have

667
00:33:23,240 --> 00:33:26,200
Speaker 1: a bunch of Yeah, I have some some reference points

668
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:28,920
Speaker 1: status because when we do have these conversations, a lot

669
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,920
Speaker 1: of it is our opinion about things in our life.

670
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:34,000
Speaker 1: But I think so many people can take away from

671
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 1: this conversation when we have also to some supporting um

672
00:33:37,520 --> 00:33:40,479
Speaker 1: facts and stuff. So in a Psychology Today article published

673
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,760
Speaker 1: back in two thousand nineteen, which seems like it was

674
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:47,440
Speaker 1: so long ago but as long as hell um pain psychologists,

675
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:51,720
Speaker 1: medical consultant author and speak her Rachel's softness Um, she

676
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,680
Speaker 1: provided some tips on how to set boundaries with adults,

677
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,440
Speaker 1: particularly family. I guess it can also transcend through friendships

678
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:01,840
Speaker 1: and work life and all that. But the first one

679
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,640
Speaker 1: is value yourself and your time. All right, So you're

680
00:34:05,640 --> 00:34:07,840
Speaker 1: important and you deserve to be treated well. So if

681
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:10,200
Speaker 1: people around you don't appreciate you, they don't respect you.

682
00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:14,040
Speaker 1: Family or otherwise you got to ask yourself, um, whether

683
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,440
Speaker 1: you really want to spend time with these people or

684
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:18,640
Speaker 1: do you feel obligated to how much time do you

685
00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:20,759
Speaker 1: want to spend like you get to choose that, and

686
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:22,440
Speaker 1: you get to choose who you do it with. And

687
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,880
Speaker 1: when you know, what's funny thinking about this? You know what?

688
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:29,920
Speaker 1: This reminds me of Green Leaf. I watched green were

689
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 1: up to season three, I believe, And the first thing

690
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:37,520
Speaker 1: I say is, none of these people no boundaries. They're

691
00:34:37,520 --> 00:34:41,280
Speaker 1: always in each other's business but not checking themselves because

692
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:45,239
Speaker 1: their world is just upside down, you know what I'm saying.

693
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 1: But I've also this is another analogy I use. Right,

694
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:51,120
Speaker 1: It's easier to look through a glass window and point

695
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:54,360
Speaker 1: out everyone else's faults that you see through the glass

696
00:34:54,360 --> 00:34:56,680
Speaker 1: window than it is to look in the mirror and

697
00:34:56,719 --> 00:35:00,480
Speaker 1: see fault within yourself. It's also easier to throw stones

698
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:04,960
Speaker 1: at other people's glass house because you haven't realized if

699
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,759
Speaker 1: you're looking at mirror of your house glass too, And

700
00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:09,920
Speaker 1: sooner or later one of them stones and came flying

701
00:35:09,960 --> 00:35:13,120
Speaker 1: back over here. And on green Leaf, that happens every episode.

702
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:15,319
Speaker 1: Grace to be running around telling people you don't even

703
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,080
Speaker 1: do this. You don't even do that, And what happens

704
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 1: our daughter somewhere with some dude, It's like, see, you're

705
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:22,799
Speaker 1: too busy worried about with them. You ain't watching your

706
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:26,799
Speaker 1: own daughter exactly, And that's family. Family we look at

707
00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 1: We are constantly looking at other people's windows from from

708
00:35:32,120 --> 00:35:36,040
Speaker 1: our perspective, never looking in the mirror exactly. Valuing yourself

709
00:35:36,080 --> 00:35:38,520
Speaker 1: and val yourself and your time and your time is precious.

710
00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:40,480
Speaker 1: I don't mine is. So if you don't evaluate, and

711
00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:42,600
Speaker 1: you don't set boundaries and let let people know how

712
00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:45,359
Speaker 1: much access they have to you, then it can be

713
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:48,759
Speaker 1: a recipe for a whole disaster. Um number two, give

714
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:52,200
Speaker 1: yourself permission to do what's best for you. So limiting

715
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:54,880
Speaker 1: time with toxic people as an act of self love,

716
00:35:55,400 --> 00:35:58,719
Speaker 1: because there's no shame in that game, you know what

717
00:35:58,800 --> 00:36:02,680
Speaker 1: I mean. Like that's hard though, Well, imagine you don't

718
00:36:02,719 --> 00:36:05,560
Speaker 1: go around like its Christmas your family, big imagine imagine

719
00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:07,960
Speaker 1: like we just like I'm not going to Christmas year.

720
00:36:08,120 --> 00:36:10,480
Speaker 1: Then you that becomes an issue, no exactly, because it's

721
00:36:10,520 --> 00:36:11,839
Speaker 1: like you want to be there for the people who

722
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:13,480
Speaker 1: you genuinely want to be there for, but then you

723
00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:15,400
Speaker 1: run the risk of so and so and so popping

724
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,600
Speaker 1: up because you know, yeah, cultural norm suggests that you're

725
00:36:17,600 --> 00:36:19,960
Speaker 1: supposed to spend holidays with family and if you don't,

726
00:36:19,960 --> 00:36:22,360
Speaker 1: something that's wrong with you. So then you know, you

727
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:26,440
Speaker 1: have this toxic family system where these familial relationships that

728
00:36:26,520 --> 00:36:28,200
Speaker 1: can be abusive, you know what I mean, in so

729
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:31,640
Speaker 1: many different ways. Um, and it's difficult. It is difficult

730
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:33,239
Speaker 1: to be able to give the hard no one like

731
00:36:33,280 --> 00:36:35,239
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be here or I'm not going

732
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,400
Speaker 1: to do that like I have. I just that's a

733
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:44,279
Speaker 1: real thing in my family. Listens, be popping. That's where

734
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:47,880
Speaker 1: ship always comes out during the holidays because you spend

735
00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:52,680
Speaker 1: the whole year just suppressing everything, not being fake cordial.

736
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:54,560
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, Oh hey girl, how are

737
00:36:54,560 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 1: you doing? Girls? Exhausting? Yes, that ship is exhausting. And

738
00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:01,520
Speaker 1: I've learned to learn to love from a distance sometimes,

739
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:05,320
Speaker 1: you know what, I love you from over there? Okay,

740
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:10,160
Speaker 1: as my family, right, I don't we don't like I've

741
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:12,000
Speaker 1: loved to do that, you know what I mean, Like

742
00:37:12,080 --> 00:37:14,879
Speaker 1: even just a wedding for example, you know what I mean.

743
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:16,799
Speaker 1: You know, such and such as coming to this wedding

744
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:18,279
Speaker 1: and you ain't trying to see her. It's great because

745
00:37:18,280 --> 00:37:20,160
Speaker 1: it's probably a hundred and fifty other people that you

746
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,920
Speaker 1: can just you know, ignore, ignore that person. But it's

747
00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,680
Speaker 1: a little bit different when it's those tighter, tighter situations

748
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:28,680
Speaker 1: with family, and it may require that you say, you

749
00:37:28,719 --> 00:37:30,839
Speaker 1: know what, I'm not gonna sit here and be here

750
00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:33,799
Speaker 1: all night. Let me come in, you know, make my round,

751
00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:36,279
Speaker 1: say what's up, drop off some gifts to whatever, eats

752
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:39,719
Speaker 1: some food, take my to go, tup, aware and be out.

753
00:37:39,760 --> 00:37:41,799
Speaker 1: Are you that person that takes the type of we're

754
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:46,400
Speaker 1: empty and takes food home with you? Y'all? Let us know, comment, comment,

755
00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:50,880
Speaker 1: Let us know if you're the person that takes facts

756
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,680
Speaker 1: facts all right. Number three, Know your triggers and anticipate them.

757
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:59,160
Speaker 1: That's me, do that now. Trigger. So, a trigger is

758
00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:01,839
Speaker 1: pretty much what a cool situation or in events, right,

759
00:38:02,360 --> 00:38:04,560
Speaker 1: You all have them. They're all different for different people,

760
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,479
Speaker 1: and triggers can range from like your uncle nosing into

761
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,960
Speaker 1: your marriage or watching your parents enable and coddle you know,

762
00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:16,360
Speaker 1: unemployed sibling. Um your sister whispering about some ship her

763
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: husband did and you're like, oh no, I don't want

764
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: to hear that. Um. So You've got to be one

765
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,879
Speaker 1: step ahead of your triggers. You gotta know what they are. Um,

766
00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:26,239
Speaker 1: the emotions that arise, So do you get sad? Do

767
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,640
Speaker 1: you get violent? Do you get angry? Like? What happens

768
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:32,400
Speaker 1: when the triggers are provoked? Um? And how is the

769
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,439
Speaker 1: best way that you could take care of yourself when

770
00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: that happens? Like, how do you what's your response plan?

771
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 1: If a trigger is then it then happens. You know

772
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,000
Speaker 1: what I mean? I could see a trigger from a

773
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:45,400
Speaker 1: mile away, like I'm like a snipe. Oa. Oh, I

774
00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 1: don't even need a scope to see that trigger's coming ahead.

775
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,800
Speaker 1: Don't the kids got practicing anymore? It's about time, brother,

776
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:56,319
Speaker 1: we're gonna have to head on. I SpongeBob that I'm

777
00:38:56,360 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 1: a head on now. The best gate plan is kids.

778
00:39:02,680 --> 00:39:04,839
Speaker 1: I think every parent can attest to that. You don't

779
00:39:04,880 --> 00:39:07,960
Speaker 1: want to be somewhere Oh damn, this the kids is

780
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:14,560
Speaker 1: cranky baby, pinch the baby, or it's like, hey, can

781
00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:16,759
Speaker 1: y'all come over to do X y Z or come

782
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:18,600
Speaker 1: to this event? Damn, I don't got no child care.

783
00:39:18,680 --> 00:39:22,800
Speaker 1: Like that'd be the easiest way to get out of things.

784
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:27,400
Speaker 1: You learned it here, guys, avoided triggers and just see it. Like,

785
00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,080
Speaker 1: if you suspect that a conversation or a boundary drawing

786
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:32,399
Speaker 1: situation is going to be required, then you gotta even

787
00:39:32,440 --> 00:39:34,719
Speaker 1: sometimes like the plan ahead and know how you're gonna

788
00:39:34,719 --> 00:39:38,080
Speaker 1: get out of it. You know, be clear about your

789
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:41,920
Speaker 1: needs and communicate them. So identifying your needs and boundaries

790
00:39:41,960 --> 00:39:43,600
Speaker 1: in advance. For example, do you need your mother in

791
00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:46,399
Speaker 1: law to leave her yappy little dog at home? How

792
00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:48,280
Speaker 1: much time do you want to spend with your family

793
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:50,160
Speaker 1: or friends? Do you want to be alone? Like? These

794
00:39:50,160 --> 00:39:52,440
Speaker 1: are so many different ways that you can. Sometimes it's

795
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,759
Speaker 1: difficult to communicate them because you, like you. I'm just

796
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:57,719
Speaker 1: saying maybe for people, they may not know how to

797
00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:03,440
Speaker 1: tell somebody like Bro, you are a trigger alert, and

798
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:08,239
Speaker 1: it's difficult to communicate a trigger. It's like, look, Bro, sis, mom, dad,

799
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:10,880
Speaker 1: I can't put up with this no more. I've to do.

800
00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:12,920
Speaker 1: I can't put up with this no more. And I'm

801
00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:16,200
Speaker 1: just letting you know that if so and so does

802
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:21,000
Speaker 1: X y Z, I'm out Now. I have to respect

803
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,520
Speaker 1: that since I told them that this is my trigger,

804
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:26,799
Speaker 1: they have the right to exist in their truth. So

805
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:28,600
Speaker 1: now that you know what my trigger is, If you

806
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:32,640
Speaker 1: continue to try to hit my triggers, that's fine. I'm

807
00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,799
Speaker 1: not trying to stop you from living your truth. Because

808
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 1: if you live in your truth, it's a trigger for me.

809
00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:38,840
Speaker 1: I can respect that. I just know now I'm going

810
00:40:38,880 --> 00:40:42,239
Speaker 1: to remove myself. What happens is we as people tend

811
00:40:42,280 --> 00:40:44,560
Speaker 1: to tell people what trigger us, and they could be

812
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:46,719
Speaker 1: living in their truth and we want them to not

813
00:40:46,840 --> 00:40:50,600
Speaker 1: live in their truth because it triggers me. That's unfair.

814
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:53,600
Speaker 1: It's unfair. I don't want you to not living because

815
00:40:54,640 --> 00:41:00,200
Speaker 1: facades fake situations. You know your triggers, You tells one

816
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,800
Speaker 1: so that that triggers me. They can choose whether or

817
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,799
Speaker 1: not they want to do it. So if you choose

818
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:06,040
Speaker 1: that you want to continue trigger me, I want to

819
00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,440
Speaker 1: remove myself and it's fine to do that. Within that

820
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:10,480
Speaker 1: comes with the level of maturity, though, Like not everybody

821
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:12,239
Speaker 1: is gonna be okay with that. That's gonna be people like,

822
00:41:12,239 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 1: you know what I said, what my trigger is, and

823
00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 1: that's just what it is. So I'm gonna sit here

824
00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:16,920
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna still be here and then just be

825
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,080
Speaker 1: petty about it, you know, and in fight so and

826
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:21,200
Speaker 1: in fight, and then it becomes like a whole family brawl.

827
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,399
Speaker 1: So that's that's like another situation that could potentially happen.

828
00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:28,560
Speaker 1: But in protecting your peace, I would suggest that. But

829
00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:31,040
Speaker 1: let's be honest, Okay, how many people actually want to

830
00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:33,239
Speaker 1: sit there within their triggers, like sit there while their

831
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:37,600
Speaker 1: triggers are just walking around? Most most people, unless you're

832
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:41,319
Speaker 1: a sociopath, most people we want to get the funk

833
00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:44,719
Speaker 1: up out of there. And they feel obligated because it's

834
00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,640
Speaker 1: my nieces christening, you know what I'm saying. Or it's

835
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,600
Speaker 1: my uncle's fifty birthday party, so I gotta be here. No,

836
00:41:50,719 --> 00:41:53,640
Speaker 1: you don't you let everyone know what your triggers are

837
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:57,759
Speaker 1: if they don't want to respect your triggers, right and

838
00:41:57,800 --> 00:41:59,279
Speaker 1: if you have triggers that you have not shared with

839
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,480
Speaker 1: people and they're internal, and that's on you. And that's

840
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,080
Speaker 1: what you know. Do you know what you practice? That

841
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:06,520
Speaker 1: that brings me to my next point? Practice saying no?

842
00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:09,680
Speaker 1: Just say no. You know that it's gonna trigger you

843
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:11,600
Speaker 1: because someone so is going to be at this family

844
00:42:11,600 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 1: function and you just know that it's gonna bring up

845
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,879
Speaker 1: all sorts of feelings. Just don't just say no, I'm

846
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,880
Speaker 1: not available, and I mean no. A hard no, So

847
00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,000
Speaker 1: off note, it depends on what level of no you

848
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,200
Speaker 1: want for me. No is no for the most part um,

849
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:26,080
Speaker 1: So people have to revisit their no. It could be

850
00:42:26,080 --> 00:42:28,000
Speaker 1: like that didn't let me check my schedule situation, or

851
00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:29,560
Speaker 1: it could just be like, nah, I'm not doing that

852
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,399
Speaker 1: ship you know what I mean. But at that point,

853
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:34,920
Speaker 1: you're advocating for yourself. So if you're advocating for yourself,

854
00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:38,240
Speaker 1: then you can't be mad, you know. And then making

855
00:42:38,360 --> 00:42:42,399
Speaker 1: a list of coping strategies. So what helps you get

856
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:45,520
Speaker 1: through these these moments with family members or like being

857
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:47,520
Speaker 1: upset or rolled up, you know, going for a walk,

858
00:42:48,239 --> 00:42:50,440
Speaker 1: I'm going to see a therapist, kind of unloading that

859
00:42:50,520 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 1: weel do do do do do do do do do

860
00:42:57,360 --> 00:43:00,480
Speaker 1: do do. Being in l A and the fact that

861
00:43:00,520 --> 00:43:03,920
Speaker 1: it's legal here, that's completely changed my life. There is

862
00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:07,160
Speaker 1: nothing in this world that can trigger me to leave

863
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,920
Speaker 1: my place of zin. When I got that green, okay,

864
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:11,360
Speaker 1: so you can do whatever you want to do. I

865
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:16,640
Speaker 1: got that green and I go home. You talk about unbothered.

866
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:22,600
Speaker 1: My level of unbothered nous since I've been introduced to Viola,

867
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:26,319
Speaker 1: my man out Harrington, his company, my level of unbothered

868
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:29,239
Speaker 1: nous has been on another level. I've even learned how

869
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:34,239
Speaker 1: to do that with k K what you you know,

870
00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: you got your triggers that I got my triggers that

871
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: you do to set me off? You know what I

872
00:43:38,239 --> 00:43:41,280
Speaker 1: do go outside a little puff puff pass with myself.

873
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:45,640
Speaker 1: But yeah, so, I mean the family, family situations are

874
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:50,160
Speaker 1: so complicated. But I honestly feel like we are the generation,

875
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:56,560
Speaker 1: the millennial generation. Um, are the folks who ain't taking

876
00:43:56,600 --> 00:44:01,320
Speaker 1: it no mo. So whatever the generational hers or family's

877
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:04,480
Speaker 1: secret or whatever is, like, we're blowing a whole ship up,

878
00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:07,359
Speaker 1: blowing it up, like we're not doing it anymore. We're

879
00:44:07,480 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 1: tired of it. Like we want to be as transparent

880
00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:14,080
Speaker 1: as possible. We're trying to heal from prior generations of

881
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:18,960
Speaker 1: abuse and prior generations of family secrets and lies and

882
00:44:19,040 --> 00:44:21,320
Speaker 1: to see and all that good stuff, because all families

883
00:44:21,320 --> 00:44:23,799
Speaker 1: have it to a next everybody. You know, where there's love,

884
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:28,360
Speaker 1: there's also drama. All right, Um, we are going to

885
00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:30,320
Speaker 1: take a quick break. I think now it's a good time.

886
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:33,919
Speaker 1: We got listener letters coming up. Um, so we're gonna

887
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:36,600
Speaker 1: take a break and move into listener letters after we

888
00:44:36,680 --> 00:44:56,280
Speaker 1: get into some ads stick around, folks. Alright, so guys,

889
00:44:56,320 --> 00:45:00,000
Speaker 1: we're back with listener letters right now. Favorite part. I'm

890
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,759
Speaker 1: to read this one today. It's actually a pretty long,

891
00:45:02,840 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 1: like the whole story, Yes it is, but it's good though.

892
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:07,120
Speaker 1: I like when y'all set the scene for us. So

893
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,280
Speaker 1: we had sometimes we all wanted to answer these questions

894
00:45:09,280 --> 00:45:13,000
Speaker 1: and we don't know the context. So let's set the

895
00:45:13,040 --> 00:45:15,920
Speaker 1: scene now. So I've been married to my husband for

896
00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:18,400
Speaker 1: ten years. After all these years, my in law is

897
00:45:18,440 --> 00:45:21,120
Speaker 1: still don't respect me, and honestly, I don't think they

898
00:45:21,200 --> 00:45:25,120
Speaker 1: like me. I don't really like them, but I tolerate them. Sounds,

899
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:28,120
Speaker 1: you know, like typical that happens. A little background. She

900
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:31,480
Speaker 1: provided background when my husband started dating. When when me

901
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,920
Speaker 1: and my husband started dating, he was the man of

902
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:37,520
Speaker 1: the house, his mom's six siblings and his sisters five kids,

903
00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:40,080
Speaker 1: and all depended on him financially. So when he moved

904
00:45:40,080 --> 00:45:41,880
Speaker 1: out and we got married, they didn't know how to

905
00:45:41,960 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 1: fend for themselves. He had allowed them to be completely

906
00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:47,680
Speaker 1: dependent on him. So every week there's always something someone

907
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:50,760
Speaker 1: needs something, or they're popping up at our house without notice.

908
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:54,280
Speaker 1: My husband has four grown siblings who constantly asked for money,

909
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:56,360
Speaker 1: to do laundry, to spend the right to spend the

910
00:45:56,440 --> 00:45:58,279
Speaker 1: night at our house. The list goes on and on.

911
00:45:58,560 --> 00:46:01,640
Speaker 1: I've been fed up, and my husband knows how doesn't

912
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,480
Speaker 1: know how to say no. I have a brother who

913
00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:06,240
Speaker 1: constantly asked for things, but I always say no because

914
00:46:06,239 --> 00:46:08,240
Speaker 1: I don't feel he shouldn't we should enable our family

915
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:10,399
Speaker 1: or make them feel they can always run to us,

916
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:14,640
Speaker 1: back to his family. They are freeloaders and cannot get

917
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:17,960
Speaker 1: their life together. Over the years, anytime I say something,

918
00:46:18,040 --> 00:46:25,439
Speaker 1: my husband goes back and says, my wife feels yeah.

919
00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:27,800
Speaker 1: So I try to ask that he relayed the message

920
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:31,240
Speaker 1: as we but somehow he never sticks to the plant. Recently,

921
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:33,440
Speaker 1: we had a birthday party for my daughter and his

922
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,000
Speaker 1: mother and his three adult siblings and six nieces and

923
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:38,960
Speaker 1: nephews came and no one spoke to me. They walked

924
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:41,719
Speaker 1: in with attitudes. However, throughout this party, his mom was

925
00:46:41,719 --> 00:46:44,160
Speaker 1: talking about me to my friends and my family and

926
00:46:44,160 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 1: trying to regulate things in my house. Please give me

927
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:55,799
Speaker 1: some advice what you do with the family. Can't do

928
00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:59,920
Speaker 1: that the whole family away. You can't be Kobe and

929
00:47:00,040 --> 00:47:04,879
Speaker 1: play air basketball. You can't do that Oh, well, there

930
00:47:04,920 --> 00:47:07,600
Speaker 1: you have it. Clearly, the issue is they don't not

931
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:10,399
Speaker 1: like uses they could have. He could have brought someone

932
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:13,440
Speaker 1: else home. I feel like, get married someone else and

933
00:47:13,440 --> 00:47:16,800
Speaker 1: they wouldn't like her ask either because why their bread

934
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:20,080
Speaker 1: and butter. It's now moved on and it's trying to

935
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:23,600
Speaker 1: have his own bakery with his own bread, and you've

936
00:47:23,640 --> 00:47:26,120
Speaker 1: you've completely came in and pretty much taken away their

937
00:47:26,239 --> 00:47:31,160
Speaker 1: entire support system and the fact that he was taking

938
00:47:31,239 --> 00:47:34,839
Speaker 1: care of so many people. Naturally, he's going to feel

939
00:47:34,880 --> 00:47:36,880
Speaker 1: this battle now between the family, who I'm sure is

940
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:41,120
Speaker 1: giving him guilt and grief about moving on. But na, son,

941
00:47:41,440 --> 00:47:44,880
Speaker 1: you you marry your wife and then you create your

942
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:48,200
Speaker 1: family with your wife. They don't have to figure it

943
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:50,879
Speaker 1: out all these adults and whatnot, you know what I mean.

944
00:47:51,480 --> 00:47:53,600
Speaker 1: But here's the deal. And you see this happen so

945
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:56,759
Speaker 1: many times. They say, when you have a son, your

946
00:47:56,760 --> 00:48:00,440
Speaker 1: son grows up, he leaves, never comes back, he creates

947
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:04,040
Speaker 1: his family. Case the mess daughters, that's why we're gonna

948
00:48:04,040 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 1: get a daughter. Daughters typically come back and always take

949
00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,800
Speaker 1: care of their parents. That's what is you know. Typically

950
00:48:12,800 --> 00:48:16,359
Speaker 1: they say, that's what happens. I'm taking care of my Yes,

951
00:48:16,440 --> 00:48:19,120
Speaker 1: me and my brother out at the going. My sister

952
00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:21,600
Speaker 1: always be bad. But the same thing, Yeah, your your

953
00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:26,440
Speaker 1: sister and you always talk about your parents. So here's

954
00:48:26,480 --> 00:48:28,720
Speaker 1: part of the issue when you when you're dating someone

955
00:48:28,800 --> 00:48:31,839
Speaker 1: whose family is dependent on them, Like you said, they're

956
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:34,800
Speaker 1: never gonna like whoever this person brings because now his attention,

957
00:48:35,160 --> 00:48:37,600
Speaker 1: his resources, his finances is going to go to a

958
00:48:37,600 --> 00:48:41,120
Speaker 1: different place, which means it's going to be less for

959
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 1: the family. Now you have a decision to make as

960
00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:48,120
Speaker 1: a woman dating someone like this, you realize what you've

961
00:48:48,160 --> 00:48:50,000
Speaker 1: already seen. The writing is on the wall the minute

962
00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:54,000
Speaker 1: you guys get married. Unless he becomes a jillionaire and

963
00:48:54,040 --> 00:48:56,520
Speaker 1: is able to take care of everybody and his own family,

964
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:58,719
Speaker 1: there's going to be an issue. At that point. You

965
00:48:58,719 --> 00:49:00,520
Speaker 1: have to make a decision of whether or not you

966
00:49:00,560 --> 00:49:03,200
Speaker 1: want to stay in this relationship or you want to leave.

967
00:49:03,880 --> 00:49:07,640
Speaker 1: You decided to stay, so now the best thing for

968
00:49:07,680 --> 00:49:10,480
Speaker 1: you to do is to get your husband to understand it.

969
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:13,920
Speaker 1: Every time he goes back and he says, my wife,

970
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:18,000
Speaker 1: remember we talked, you know what's funny? Said or my

971
00:49:18,160 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 1: husband or my husband said, remember the story. The story.

972
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:23,359
Speaker 1: Time you go back and you tell what, you know,

973
00:49:23,480 --> 00:49:25,960
Speaker 1: what my significant other was doing or what, and now

974
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:29,040
Speaker 1: your family is pissed. You can't even be mad at

975
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:33,160
Speaker 1: his family now because he is the reason why they

976
00:49:33,200 --> 00:49:35,960
Speaker 1: don't like you. He keeps saying, My wife feels if

977
00:49:35,960 --> 00:49:37,560
Speaker 1: he would go over there and just say listen, y'all,

978
00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 1: we can't do not even we I can't do this

979
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:44,799
Speaker 1: for y'all, not more. I can't do this. Then the

980
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:47,719
Speaker 1: plane doesn't go on you. The blame goes on him.

981
00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,520
Speaker 1: He made the choice to get married and do this.

982
00:49:50,800 --> 00:49:53,000
Speaker 1: The problem is he sounds like a people pleaser, and

983
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 1: since he's a people pleaser, he wants everyone else to

984
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:58,719
Speaker 1: like him and don't care if they don't like each other.

985
00:49:58,960 --> 00:50:01,040
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. It's like he did all

986
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:02,560
Speaker 1: this and then he just stepped away. It was like, Okay,

987
00:50:02,560 --> 00:50:05,879
Speaker 1: I'm good. And that happens. That happens with families all

988
00:50:05,880 --> 00:50:09,120
Speaker 1: the time, yep. And I mean the fact that they

989
00:50:09,160 --> 00:50:12,160
Speaker 1: come to her house and then have a whole attitude

990
00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:14,960
Speaker 1: coming to like y'all bringing that whole energy to my house.

991
00:50:15,719 --> 00:50:17,440
Speaker 1: You can stay home for that, Like what was the

992
00:50:17,480 --> 00:50:19,279
Speaker 1: whole point of doing that? You know? And that goes

993
00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,560
Speaker 1: to the whole, Like you know, when you have events

994
00:50:21,600 --> 00:50:23,239
Speaker 1: and people show up and then it's like this one

995
00:50:23,280 --> 00:50:25,480
Speaker 1: has attitudes with that one, and then she's trying to

996
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:28,719
Speaker 1: belittle you to your friends like that she is not

997
00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,000
Speaker 1: allowed in the household. And I wonder if I wonder

998
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:33,560
Speaker 1: if she ever spoke up to his family, or if

999
00:50:33,560 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 1: he's trying she's trying to be respectful of the relationship

1000
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:37,320
Speaker 1: that he has with his family and says, you know what,

1001
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:40,000
Speaker 1: you handle your family, and I'm gonna sit back here

1002
00:50:40,040 --> 00:50:43,319
Speaker 1: and just expect that you will. And he's not. That's

1003
00:50:43,360 --> 00:50:46,200
Speaker 1: going to be a difficult situation for her because if

1004
00:50:46,239 --> 00:50:48,200
Speaker 1: he's not strong enough to stand up to his family,

1005
00:50:48,200 --> 00:50:51,160
Speaker 1: and he's already done so much damage that now the family,

1006
00:50:51,200 --> 00:50:53,359
Speaker 1: everything he does now then like oh, she's making him

1007
00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:57,160
Speaker 1: say that he already set the president. But so so realistically,

1008
00:50:57,560 --> 00:51:00,920
Speaker 1: everything I'm gonna say cannot be done retroactively. The damage

1009
00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:02,960
Speaker 1: is already done. It's up to you to make a

1010
00:51:03,000 --> 00:51:05,480
Speaker 1: decision on whether you want to exist in this toxic environment.

1011
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:07,400
Speaker 1: And if I'm you and not for nothing, if this

1012
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:10,040
Speaker 1: is me me being this young lady here, I'm not

1013
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:12,120
Speaker 1: doing stuff in my house no more. And they're not invited.

1014
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:16,520
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna do stuff with my family, invite the

1015
00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:19,880
Speaker 1: people who respect me, and y'all can just kick rocks.

1016
00:51:20,239 --> 00:51:22,480
Speaker 1: And people will say that's petty. You can't not invite

1017
00:51:22,520 --> 00:51:25,279
Speaker 1: his mom. Yes, I can't. If his mom feels like

1018
00:51:25,360 --> 00:51:28,359
Speaker 1: she can disrespect me in the home I'm making for

1019
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:31,000
Speaker 1: her son, she don't need to come, and neither does

1020
00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:33,160
Speaker 1: his siblings. You are well within your right to set

1021
00:51:33,200 --> 00:51:36,280
Speaker 1: that boundary. People will always point out the victims sometimes

1022
00:51:36,719 --> 00:51:38,879
Speaker 1: and say, oh, you can't do this, and only yeah,

1023
00:51:38,880 --> 00:51:42,799
Speaker 1: you can set that boundary. If I'm you, I set

1024
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:44,759
Speaker 1: that boundary because at this point he can't now go

1025
00:51:44,800 --> 00:51:46,160
Speaker 1: back to his family and be like, well it was

1026
00:51:46,200 --> 00:51:49,280
Speaker 1: all me then never We we dealt through this. We've

1027
00:51:49,280 --> 00:51:51,960
Speaker 1: been through similar situations where people don't like aunts or

1028
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:54,440
Speaker 1: don't like uncles in my family. You've seen it in

1029
00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:57,799
Speaker 1: your family. So once that damage is done, you gotta

1030
00:51:57,800 --> 00:52:00,239
Speaker 1: set the boundary. And it's unfortunate. Sometimes speak is what

1031
00:52:00,280 --> 00:52:02,920
Speaker 1: it then happens. If you say to someone you know what,

1032
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:06,640
Speaker 1: I don't appreciate this person's energy. I know that's your

1033
00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:08,960
Speaker 1: significant other, or I know that's your sister, or I

1034
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:12,600
Speaker 1: know that that's on so and so, but I prefer

1035
00:52:12,800 --> 00:52:16,160
Speaker 1: to have this person not attend my events. Then it's

1036
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:18,440
Speaker 1: like you look like the bad guy. And then potentially

1037
00:52:18,840 --> 00:52:22,440
Speaker 1: it requires that the person who is related to not

1038
00:52:22,640 --> 00:52:25,040
Speaker 1: show up, and then you're like, damn, I don't want

1039
00:52:25,080 --> 00:52:27,680
Speaker 1: my sibling or whatever to not come to this event

1040
00:52:27,719 --> 00:52:31,799
Speaker 1: because they have to now choose between you know, but

1041
00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:33,480
Speaker 1: but I hear what you're saying. You know, they have

1042
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:37,319
Speaker 1: to choose between satisfying me, but also the significant other

1043
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:38,960
Speaker 1: who was just like, well, now I can't go, so

1044
00:52:39,160 --> 00:52:41,120
Speaker 1: I'm be home by myself or you know that kind

1045
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,200
Speaker 1: of situation. I understand what you're saying. And then that's

1046
00:52:43,200 --> 00:52:45,720
Speaker 1: who Sometimes it's not fair to the person in the middle,

1047
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:47,560
Speaker 1: because then they feel like, well damn, what do I

1048
00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:49,000
Speaker 1: do know? The person in the middle is the one

1049
00:52:49,000 --> 00:52:51,879
Speaker 1: who started everything. But this case, right, he's the one

1050
00:52:51,880 --> 00:52:54,160
Speaker 1: who went back and said, my wife said. So now

1051
00:52:54,280 --> 00:52:56,919
Speaker 1: when your wife says I don't want your family here,

1052
00:52:57,239 --> 00:53:00,920
Speaker 1: you have to relay to them that you're not invited.

1053
00:53:01,320 --> 00:53:03,440
Speaker 1: And the fact that you feel bad about that wouldn't

1054
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:05,359
Speaker 1: even be happening right now if you didn't go back

1055
00:53:05,400 --> 00:53:07,520
Speaker 1: and say that you got a man up from ear

1056
00:53:07,719 --> 00:53:10,120
Speaker 1: and say, listen, guys, I got married. I'm getting married.

1057
00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:12,120
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, this wife, You've been married

1058
00:53:12,120 --> 00:53:13,920
Speaker 1: for ten years, so imagine how long this has been

1059
00:53:13,920 --> 00:53:19,440
Speaker 1: going exhausting exactly. My wife is my wife is my priority.

1060
00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:22,000
Speaker 1: And we're going to talk about this on another podcast.

1061
00:53:22,080 --> 00:53:25,240
Speaker 1: But for me as a man, once I get married

1062
00:53:25,280 --> 00:53:27,040
Speaker 1: and my mom took and shout out to my mom.

1063
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:28,680
Speaker 1: You know, we we were talking about parents and stuff

1064
00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:32,640
Speaker 1: like that. But remember when you first got pregnant and

1065
00:53:32,960 --> 00:53:35,920
Speaker 1: my mom wasn't around that much. My mom wasn't around.

1066
00:53:37,320 --> 00:53:38,640
Speaker 1: You know, I felt away because I was like, damn,

1067
00:53:38,680 --> 00:53:41,239
Speaker 1: your mother is always here? Why my Why isn't my

1068
00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:43,400
Speaker 1: mom here? And then I talked to my mother about it,

1069
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:46,800
Speaker 1: and she said about, do you know if your wife

1070
00:53:46,880 --> 00:53:50,160
Speaker 1: wants a meddling mother in law in her house, that's

1071
00:53:50,160 --> 00:53:53,600
Speaker 1: her house. You guys are building a family on your own.

1072
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:55,400
Speaker 1: I don't need to be there to tell her what

1073
00:53:55,480 --> 00:53:58,240
Speaker 1: to do. Her mom is there. The same way your sister.

1074
00:53:58,280 --> 00:54:00,000
Speaker 1: When your sister gets pregnant, I'm going to be there

1075
00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:02,839
Speaker 1: for your sister. But at points you have to know

1076
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:05,480
Speaker 1: when to step off. It's a different point. It's a

1077
00:54:05,480 --> 00:54:08,640
Speaker 1: different type of relationship a different dynamic because I do

1078
00:54:08,719 --> 00:54:11,120
Speaker 1: know of some women who have mothers in law that

1079
00:54:11,160 --> 00:54:12,960
Speaker 1: they're just like I'd rather her just not come around

1080
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:15,520
Speaker 1: at all, whereas with us, we're so close to family.

1081
00:54:16,920 --> 00:54:19,600
Speaker 1: Why is your mom not here? You know? But also too,

1082
00:54:19,760 --> 00:54:22,399
Speaker 1: she was trying to be respectful, respect you know what

1083
00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:24,239
Speaker 1: I may be thinking or maybe feeling. So what we

1084
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:26,040
Speaker 1: said to her, No, Mom, we actually would like for

1085
00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:28,799
Speaker 1: you to be around and involved. And it's cool if

1086
00:54:28,800 --> 00:54:30,680
Speaker 1: you want to offer to take the kids, like I

1087
00:54:30,719 --> 00:54:33,200
Speaker 1: ain't gonna turn down. Nobody's saying like, especially my in

1088
00:54:33,280 --> 00:54:35,239
Speaker 1: law is like, y'all want to keep these kids, I

1089
00:54:35,280 --> 00:54:38,319
Speaker 1: will ship them to you. But it's also understanding their

1090
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,759
Speaker 1: history because my mom came from a situation where my grandmother,

1091
00:54:41,880 --> 00:54:44,680
Speaker 1: my father's mother, she every house she went to was

1092
00:54:44,719 --> 00:54:47,760
Speaker 1: her house. It don't matter if it was her daughter's house,

1093
00:54:48,000 --> 00:54:50,759
Speaker 1: her siblings house. She was the oldest. She grew up

1094
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:52,800
Speaker 1: in the South, so she took care of everybody. She

1095
00:54:52,880 --> 00:54:54,719
Speaker 1: dropped out of school in eighth grade to take care

1096
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:57,319
Speaker 1: of her siblings, so that's all she did. So when

1097
00:54:57,320 --> 00:54:59,719
Speaker 1: she went to people's house, she made it her home.

1098
00:55:00,160 --> 00:55:02,359
Speaker 1: So for my mom, it was a little imposing. So

1099
00:55:02,400 --> 00:55:04,120
Speaker 1: as she got older, she realized, you know, I don't

1100
00:55:04,120 --> 00:55:07,000
Speaker 1: want to be that imposing mother in law. So sometimes

1101
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:09,640
Speaker 1: it's not so much just knowing your spouse, it's also

1102
00:55:09,760 --> 00:55:14,759
Speaker 1: knowing their family history so you can understand. So with

1103
00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:17,239
Speaker 1: your mom, it was a lack of interest. It was

1104
00:55:17,320 --> 00:55:20,160
Speaker 1: just her trying to be respectful of our space and

1105
00:55:20,200 --> 00:55:24,200
Speaker 1: in her being, you know, being transparent enough afterwards to

1106
00:55:24,239 --> 00:55:27,080
Speaker 1: say to me, you know what, maybe I could have

1107
00:55:27,120 --> 00:55:30,000
Speaker 1: been around, But I thought I was doing this for

1108
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:32,399
Speaker 1: you guys. I thought I was hoping. You know, that's

1109
00:55:32,400 --> 00:55:34,520
Speaker 1: part of it. Maybe maybe this young lady, I know

1110
00:55:34,600 --> 00:55:37,120
Speaker 1: it's been ten years, Maybe you have a sit down

1111
00:55:37,640 --> 00:55:40,720
Speaker 1: with his mom or with his sisters and say, listen,

1112
00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:44,359
Speaker 1: everything that's being said to you, it's not just me,

1113
00:55:44,600 --> 00:55:47,720
Speaker 1: it's me and him. I want to be clear because

1114
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:50,080
Speaker 1: this is how I feel. Once you have that conversation

1115
00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:52,880
Speaker 1: and everything's on the table, they have the right to

1116
00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:54,719
Speaker 1: choose and behave the way they want, and you have

1117
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:56,839
Speaker 1: the right to choose and behave the way she has.

1118
00:55:57,120 --> 00:55:59,600
Speaker 1: That's a good idea sometimes that it's things get lost

1119
00:55:59,600 --> 00:56:01,520
Speaker 1: in the shell full when the conversation goes from one

1120
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:03,640
Speaker 1: house to another, because we don't know even just in

1121
00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:07,320
Speaker 1: his body language or what his family, how he's telling it,

1122
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:09,200
Speaker 1: so it may be worth it to do with sit

1123
00:56:09,280 --> 00:56:12,920
Speaker 1: down like we enlisted that with our family. You like

1124
00:56:13,120 --> 00:56:15,319
Speaker 1: sitting down with everybody in the room so we can

1125
00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:18,319
Speaker 1: all be clear and then we move forward accordingly. And

1126
00:56:18,360 --> 00:56:20,480
Speaker 1: if someone chooses to move side ways and you're just like,

1127
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:22,279
Speaker 1: well they're gonna move sideways, and now that's the way

1128
00:56:22,320 --> 00:56:25,799
Speaker 1: it is. There, you go trying to try to set

1129
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:29,680
Speaker 1: up a conversation, see if you get everybody together. If

1130
00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:31,800
Speaker 1: you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters,

1131
00:56:31,840 --> 00:56:34,479
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.

1132
00:56:34,520 --> 00:56:37,759
Speaker 1: That's D E A D A S S A D

1133
00:56:38,000 --> 00:56:42,520
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Good job,

1134
00:56:42,640 --> 00:56:45,400
Speaker 1: good job. All right, So we're going to round it

1135
00:56:45,440 --> 00:56:49,640
Speaker 1: out with the moment of truth? Do you have when

1136
00:56:49,680 --> 00:56:52,120
Speaker 1: did you take notes today? That's right, and it's one

1137
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:54,000
Speaker 1: thing that you said that became a moment of truth

1138
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:58,239
Speaker 1: right with dealing with family, create a safe space for

1139
00:56:58,320 --> 00:57:02,319
Speaker 1: your parents to be exactly who they are. Yeah, that's

1140
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:06,680
Speaker 1: a good one because everything comes from your parents. You

1141
00:57:06,680 --> 00:57:09,239
Speaker 1: you begin seeing the world through the windows that your

1142
00:57:09,280 --> 00:57:12,640
Speaker 1: parents provide, and your parents feel because I felt this

1143
00:57:12,640 --> 00:57:14,680
Speaker 1: way with Jackson and Kyro and Kaz, that I have

1144
00:57:14,800 --> 00:57:17,440
Speaker 1: to present myself in a certain way to gain their respect.

1145
00:57:18,320 --> 00:57:20,200
Speaker 1: Once you get older and you become an adult, and

1146
00:57:20,240 --> 00:57:22,360
Speaker 1: you create a safe space for your parents to be

1147
00:57:22,400 --> 00:57:24,840
Speaker 1: exactly who they are and they don't feel like they're

1148
00:57:24,880 --> 00:57:27,640
Speaker 1: being judged by their children. Because even your mom said

1149
00:57:27,680 --> 00:57:29,440
Speaker 1: to me when we were smoking hooka and tom and nine,

1150
00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:30,520
Speaker 1: and she said, how would you look at me if

1151
00:57:30,560 --> 00:57:35,840
Speaker 1: I smoke hugar like this? She was like, no, you know,

1152
00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:37,600
Speaker 1: I have to. And I started to realize, you know,

1153
00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:40,360
Speaker 1: maybe we're not creating a safe space for mom not

1154
00:57:40,440 --> 00:57:42,400
Speaker 1: to feel judged, you know, because kids tend to do

1155
00:57:42,440 --> 00:57:44,360
Speaker 1: that your mom say something, you laugh and sneak up

1156
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:49,400
Speaker 1: between siblings, and if you don't, if you don't all

1157
00:57:49,400 --> 00:57:52,439
Speaker 1: the time, and that to everybody. So if you don't

1158
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:54,360
Speaker 1: create a safe space for them to be who they are,

1159
00:57:55,000 --> 00:57:56,800
Speaker 1: they're not going to open up. And if they can't

1160
00:57:56,800 --> 00:58:00,200
Speaker 1: open up, they can't help you in generational traumas yea

1161
00:58:00,400 --> 00:58:02,920
Speaker 1: and and change things and have open dialogue. So for me,

1162
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:05,480
Speaker 1: what I learned is sometimes it's not always about the kids.

1163
00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:08,200
Speaker 1: Got to create a safe space for your parents. Oh,

1164
00:58:08,280 --> 00:58:12,160
Speaker 1: I love that that one is really good. Um, I

1165
00:58:12,200 --> 00:58:14,120
Speaker 1: have a lot of things that I say it's my

1166
00:58:14,160 --> 00:58:16,920
Speaker 1: moment of truth. However, I feel like what sums it

1167
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:20,440
Speaker 1: up for me is, uh, the sooner you realize that

1168
00:58:20,560 --> 00:58:25,160
Speaker 1: you have autonomy over your time and your emotions, the

1169
00:58:25,280 --> 00:58:29,880
Speaker 1: sooner you'll be able to remove yourself from situations even

1170
00:58:29,880 --> 00:58:33,880
Speaker 1: with family, that you have no place in. And I

1171
00:58:33,920 --> 00:58:36,520
Speaker 1: think that that's important for people. It's a form of

1172
00:58:36,840 --> 00:58:39,400
Speaker 1: self care that we've been thrown around that that terms

1173
00:58:39,440 --> 00:58:41,680
Speaker 1: so much nowadays, but it's so important to know when

1174
00:58:41,720 --> 00:58:45,040
Speaker 1: you have to walk away from situations, know the importance

1175
00:58:45,040 --> 00:58:48,680
Speaker 1: of boundaries and being unapologetic about it because I feel

1176
00:58:48,720 --> 00:58:50,760
Speaker 1: like a lot of people when it comes to family

1177
00:58:51,560 --> 00:58:55,200
Speaker 1: are very concerned naturally, which makes sense about how so

1178
00:58:55,280 --> 00:58:59,600
Speaker 1: and so will receive it, And in having to always

1179
00:58:59,600 --> 00:59:02,000
Speaker 1: be concern earned about how somebody else is taking it,

1180
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:05,880
Speaker 1: it takes away from the way you feel. Um, and

1181
00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:09,360
Speaker 1: don't do that anymore. Stop sacrificing the way you feel

1182
00:59:09,400 --> 00:59:12,520
Speaker 1: just to appease others because you control your own happiness.

1183
00:59:13,000 --> 00:59:15,080
Speaker 1: There you go, You know, I like it. So if

1184
00:59:15,080 --> 00:59:17,120
Speaker 1: you do two of those things, hopefully you guys will

1185
00:59:17,160 --> 00:59:19,560
Speaker 1: be Yeah, you have been a better place for your life,

1186
00:59:19,600 --> 00:59:23,640
Speaker 1: your time, your your energy, your space. Like protect that

1187
00:59:23,640 --> 00:59:28,480
Speaker 1: ship at all costs. You protected at all costs. Well,

1188
00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:31,800
Speaker 1: I hope you I have fun with us today. Yeah,

1189
00:59:32,160 --> 00:59:35,160
Speaker 1: I think it started off right with the yeah and

1190
00:59:35,200 --> 00:59:36,800
Speaker 1: that was good. He turned up today and you turned

1191
00:59:36,840 --> 00:59:39,840
Speaker 1: up today. Well listen. Be sure to find us on

1192
00:59:39,920 --> 00:59:42,680
Speaker 1: social media at dead as the Podcast as d E

1193
00:59:42,760 --> 00:59:45,920
Speaker 1: A D A S S T h E p O

1194
00:59:46,120 --> 00:59:48,560
Speaker 1: D c A s T. You just love to spell

1195
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:51,000
Speaker 1: it out because you gotta spell stuff out for people

1196
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:53,440
Speaker 1: sometimes that's true. People be like dead as the Podcast

1197
00:59:53,520 --> 00:59:56,160
Speaker 1: is that d a podcast? You got to spell it

1198
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,400
Speaker 1: absolutely right an auto correctly, having people all jacks see,

1199
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:01,880
Speaker 1: I gotta tell what to do when you learn something.

1200
01:00:03,120 --> 01:00:06,240
Speaker 1: Y'all know where to find me. Cadeen, I am and

1201
01:00:06,560 --> 01:00:09,000
Speaker 1: I am developed of course. And if you're listening on

1202
01:00:09,120 --> 01:00:12,960
Speaker 1: Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as

1203
01:00:13,040 --> 01:00:16,800
Speaker 1: pretty please. If you want some more of us, Dead

1204
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:25,560
Speaker 1: as Dead, ask Baby dead Ass is a production of

1205
01:00:25,680 --> 01:00:28,200
Speaker 1: I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the

1206
01:00:28,280 --> 01:00:32,160
Speaker 1: Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at

1207
01:00:32,200 --> 01:00:34,280
Speaker 1: dead as to podcast and never miss a Thing