1
00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:04,480
Speaker 1: Which is anonymous, with the Laria Baldwin and Michelle Campbell

2
00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:14,400
Speaker 1: Mason and I heart radio podcast. It's Hilaria. Hi, guys,

3
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:19,520
Speaker 1: It's been an emotional time for my family and I

4
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,600
Speaker 1: do so want to express to you how grateful I

5
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:28,960
Speaker 1: am for your support and your kindness and your reason.

6
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:33,920
Speaker 1: Quite honestly, I think without it we would crumble. So

7
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:36,560
Speaker 1: thank you so much for being our rock right now

8
00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:42,479
Speaker 1: because I don't feel so strong. Kids are sponges and

9
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:47,879
Speaker 1: all certain conversations are not always age appropriate. We cannot

10
00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,520
Speaker 1: deny that they don't feel the energy and pick up

11
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:55,920
Speaker 1: on certain things in the family and at home. Also,

12
00:00:56,080 --> 00:01:01,240
Speaker 1: parenting little people can be stressful regardless of added stress.

13
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:05,319
Speaker 1: So today we are speaking with Dr Hillary Culture about

14
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,520
Speaker 1: how to take care of our children and ourselves when

15
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:13,399
Speaker 1: times are hard. This is which is anonymous. I'm Michelle

16
00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,520
Speaker 1: Campbell Mason and I'm LARRYA. Baldwin and we'd like to

17
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,920
Speaker 1: welcome Dr Hillary gold Scher. Hi. My name is Dr

18
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:23,639
Speaker 1: Hillary Culture. I'm a licensed clinical psychologist in Beverly Hills

19
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:28,680
Speaker 1: and I specialize in parenting as well as trauma, depression

20
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:33,479
Speaker 1: and anxiety. Welcome. Thank you for coming and talking with us.

21
00:01:33,959 --> 00:01:36,680
Speaker 1: I feel like so many of us have a certain

22
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,759
Speaker 1: amount of gasoline and our bodies every single day, regardless

23
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,440
Speaker 1: of added stress in our life. What would you say

24
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:51,800
Speaker 1: is a a tool for maintaining our energy every single day?

25
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,400
Speaker 1: This is the ubiquitous question that we ask as as

26
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,920
Speaker 1: parents and certainly as as moms constantly. But I think

27
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,160
Speaker 1: we have to get past this to like cliche of it,

28
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,400
Speaker 1: like how do we self care and really dig into

29
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,680
Speaker 1: what that looks like on a day to day basis.

30
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,720
Speaker 1: The notion of like moms have to take care of themselves,

31
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:12,360
Speaker 1: the mental low, the logistics, the sort of primitive edict

32
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:15,000
Speaker 1: to take care of littles is all there, and we

33
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:18,880
Speaker 1: can only do it if we're regulated ourselves. We can

34
00:02:18,919 --> 00:02:21,840
Speaker 1: only regulate our children if we regulate ourselves. And I'm

35
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,480
Speaker 1: always careful when I talk about this topic to understand

36
00:02:26,040 --> 00:02:31,320
Speaker 1: people's relative differences and ability to self care. The help

37
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,840
Speaker 1: you have, the resources that are available to you, the

38
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,079
Speaker 1: literal time um that is available in the day that

39
00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,920
Speaker 1: you don't have your kids around, but whether it's a

40
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:43,920
Speaker 1: five minute meditation, uh ten minute journaling in the morning,

41
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:47,640
Speaker 1: a call to a friend, going in the bathroom and

42
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:50,440
Speaker 1: closing the door and deep breathing for a few minutes.

43
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,840
Speaker 1: We have to have a practice to self regulate, and

44
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:58,160
Speaker 1: with self regulation comes not just a containment of sort

45
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:03,520
Speaker 1: of bodily responses to stress, but also comes the messaging

46
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:08,239
Speaker 1: to ourselves, the reinforcement that like we we matter, how

47
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,120
Speaker 1: we are doing matters, that we are the heart and

48
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,320
Speaker 1: the compass of our family. And without being diligent with

49
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:19,240
Speaker 1: self care, there's just fill over. There's emotional rent to

50
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,880
Speaker 1: pay for not just us, but our entire family. So

51
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:25,560
Speaker 1: it's to me, it's really about the practice, the dedication

52
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,400
Speaker 1: to a practice, if it's a couple of minutes or

53
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,760
Speaker 1: an hour every day, depending on what you have available,

54
00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,920
Speaker 1: but making it deliberate, purposeful, intentional. I have a really

55
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,840
Speaker 1: very strict morning routine and I think without that, you know,

56
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:42,200
Speaker 1: the hardest times in life are virtually impossible. But I

57
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,800
Speaker 1: also feel like with so many parents, it's a it's

58
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:48,160
Speaker 1: a gift to have those moments um are there. I mean,

59
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:50,880
Speaker 1: do you recommend people just get up earlier, try to

60
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:53,040
Speaker 1: carve it out or hide in a closet or you know,

61
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,960
Speaker 1: kind of how do we how do we get that

62
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:59,600
Speaker 1: if we're constantly you know, in being requested. Yes, yes,

63
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,200
Speaker 1: that's the question, A fair question. Now I recommend what

64
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:07,119
Speaker 1: I practice, which I meditate a couple of times a day,

65
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,600
Speaker 1: and I wake up, you know, five or ten minutes early,

66
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,480
Speaker 1: and I added on again for a round two before

67
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,080
Speaker 1: I go to bed. And so if I don't have

68
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:17,480
Speaker 1: room for anything else in my day, I have that

69
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,919
Speaker 1: as bookends to my day. So, yes, I think you

70
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,159
Speaker 1: have to be deliberate. It's so hard for us to

71
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,279
Speaker 1: give up an extra five ten minutes of sleep. It's

72
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,400
Speaker 1: so hard for us to lock ourselves in the bathroom

73
00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:32,080
Speaker 1: without being distracted, but just trying to find and usually

74
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:33,719
Speaker 1: it's after the kid has go to sleep or in

75
00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:36,200
Speaker 1: the morning before they wait, just trying to find a

76
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:39,559
Speaker 1: time to breathe and sort of connect with yourself because

77
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:43,839
Speaker 1: it's so easy to not self check, to to sort

78
00:04:43,839 --> 00:04:45,400
Speaker 1: of look at yourself and figure out how am I,

79
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,800
Speaker 1: how am I doing, how are my feeling, and what

80
00:04:48,839 --> 00:04:51,000
Speaker 1: do I need to do to sort of address any

81
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:55,640
Speaker 1: outstanding stressors are worries and how is that impacting my family?

82
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,880
Speaker 1: And how do I communicate to myself, to my partner,

83
00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:01,880
Speaker 1: to my kiddo's about sort of the emotional compass of

84
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,040
Speaker 1: where my family is right now, because our kids feel

85
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,080
Speaker 1: like I mean, our kids feel what we are. I

86
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,040
Speaker 1: was given great advice many many many years ago, which

87
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,800
Speaker 1: is um had, which had nothing to do with parenting,

88
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:20,000
Speaker 1: but they said to me that the key to anything

89
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,680
Speaker 1: successful in your life is to be inside and outside

90
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,680
Speaker 1: at the same time. You want to be inside your

91
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,400
Speaker 1: experience to be able to feel the passion, and you

92
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,839
Speaker 1: want to be outside to sort of see the perspective

93
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,200
Speaker 1: and check yourself as you as you use that word

94
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,240
Speaker 1: you know, and I think being as I know in

95
00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:40,240
Speaker 1: my experience being a mom of so many, even though

96
00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:43,920
Speaker 1: I have you know, school and resources and you know,

97
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,279
Speaker 1: the ability to have friends and people who work with

98
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:49,320
Speaker 1: us to help us, I still don't have a lot

99
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,720
Speaker 1: of time to myself. And so what I've learned is

100
00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:57,800
Speaker 1: practicing on the go sometimes, you know. And and it

101
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,080
Speaker 1: didn't where when I had few children, I may I

102
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,920
Speaker 1: may have had more time to do the self care

103
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:06,599
Speaker 1: that I would love, of meditating and stuff like that.

104
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,600
Speaker 1: And now I find that a lot of it is

105
00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:15,040
Speaker 1: being in the moment of noticing my shoulders checked, noticing

106
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:19,000
Speaker 1: my brow check, noticing my jaw check, and constantly scanning

107
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:22,440
Speaker 1: and of course I'm very yoga yoga connected, um, but

108
00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:27,040
Speaker 1: it allowed me to get away from the excuse of oh,

109
00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,280
Speaker 1: I don't have time for that. It's like, well, the

110
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:32,920
Speaker 1: time is now when you're living. Yes, you're talking about

111
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,279
Speaker 1: a notion that I talked about a lot with clients.

112
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,640
Speaker 1: I believe you have to tell me if this resonates

113
00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:42,200
Speaker 1: the idea of the difference between being sort of inside

114
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:46,279
Speaker 1: your feelings and an observer or a witness of your feelings, right,

115
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,040
Speaker 1: and that is something you can sort of practice and

116
00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,560
Speaker 1: do on the go, albeit it's quite difficult to do

117
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,080
Speaker 1: all the time and to do successfully. And what I

118
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:59,560
Speaker 1: mean is being inside a feeling looks like we're angry,

119
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,560
Speaker 1: we're sad, and we're acting from it, you know, we're

120
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,000
Speaker 1: just standing in it and we're acting from that feeling.

121
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:09,080
Speaker 1: We're yelling or disregulated or slamming a door and being

122
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:11,960
Speaker 1: outside of feeling. And this is I say it as

123
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:15,360
Speaker 1: if it's easy, and there's a few things harder from

124
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,960
Speaker 1: an emotional psychological standpoint, but being outside the feeling and

125
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,360
Speaker 1: being able to narrate. I'm really angry right now. I

126
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:26,040
Speaker 1: feel my body getting tense and hot. I'm going to

127
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,560
Speaker 1: go into the other room and take a break. That's

128
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,440
Speaker 1: something you might say to yourself, That's something you might

129
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,600
Speaker 1: say to your child. I literally said that to my

130
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,120
Speaker 1: eight year old either last night the night before. So

131
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,640
Speaker 1: there's a version of self care we can do in

132
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:41,880
Speaker 1: real time, And not only is it good for ourselves,

133
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:45,240
Speaker 1: but it's good for our children to witness us managing

134
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:50,120
Speaker 1: tricky feelings because being inside of it almost always ends

135
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,480
Speaker 1: up with us showing up in a way that we

136
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,880
Speaker 1: don't feel best about. Being outside of it gives us

137
00:07:56,960 --> 00:08:01,400
Speaker 1: more opportunity to think and to choose yes, Garta said,

138
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,560
Speaker 1: I have the ability to escalate a situation or de

139
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:09,080
Speaker 1: escalate a situation. And that's always where I'm like, Okay,

140
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,200
Speaker 1: I have a choice with this, and I don't always

141
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:15,000
Speaker 1: make the right choice, but I try to because and

142
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,480
Speaker 1: that's also just like the beauty of having the liberty

143
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,080
Speaker 1: within your mind to say, I can take a pause,

144
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,040
Speaker 1: I don't have to react, I can take a breath,

145
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,200
Speaker 1: I can wait five seconds, and like what that does

146
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:35,880
Speaker 1: to your nervous system. I have a question about like

147
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:41,240
Speaker 1: the physical um response to trauma. Obviously we all we

148
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,760
Speaker 1: all feel it, and you know, it's just a fact

149
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:47,800
Speaker 1: that when we are mind revisits trauma, how it affects

150
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:50,520
Speaker 1: our cortisol levels, and how that completely throws off our

151
00:08:50,559 --> 00:08:52,720
Speaker 1: nervous system. Is that something you can speak to a

152
00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:55,040
Speaker 1: little bit, because I think a lot of people forget

153
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,520
Speaker 1: how much our thoughts affect, you know, the science of

154
00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:01,200
Speaker 1: our bodies. That's right, And I think this goes along

155
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:04,880
Speaker 1: nicely with the notion of being inside our feelings are

156
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:09,480
Speaker 1: outside of them. A trauma response and slightly oversimplifying it,

157
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:13,360
Speaker 1: but a trauma response is our body responding to something

158
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:16,680
Speaker 1: from the past in the present, right, And so it

159
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,520
Speaker 1: takes on sort of a fight or flight mode, and

160
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,640
Speaker 1: that can show up in different ways. We might feel

161
00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:24,959
Speaker 1: a racing heart, we might feel shaky hands, we might

162
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,240
Speaker 1: feel hot, we might shut down, we might flee, either

163
00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,760
Speaker 1: emotionally or literally. It is a response to a sort

164
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:36,280
Speaker 1: of current stimuli as if it is a past traumatic stimulus,

165
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,520
Speaker 1: and so it can be intense and quick and overwhelming

166
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:45,520
Speaker 1: and unpredictable, and the two collapse together, so you're responding

167
00:09:45,559 --> 00:09:48,360
Speaker 1: to the moment as if it is a threat when

168
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,000
Speaker 1: maybe it's not. You know, we the kids are hanging

169
00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,600
Speaker 1: all over us, and um, we have a trauma response,

170
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,320
Speaker 1: and we yell or screaming away that is disproportionate to

171
00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:00,200
Speaker 1: the situation at hand, right, And so a few things

172
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,600
Speaker 1: to do. One is to understand this generally speaking, and

173
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,600
Speaker 1: we're having this discussion right now, that like, oh that's

174
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,600
Speaker 1: what that is. That happens to me sometimes, and employing

175
00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:14,280
Speaker 1: like deep compassion and empathy. That's a very primitive edict.

176
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:17,120
Speaker 1: That doesn't make anyone sort of a bad person. It

177
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:20,680
Speaker 1: just makes us all human, particularly if you've had past trauma,

178
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:23,560
Speaker 1: and most of us have in one way or the other. Right,

179
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,640
Speaker 1: So being able to just understand that paradigm is useful.

180
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,880
Speaker 1: And then when it happens, it's like not if it's

181
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,920
Speaker 1: when you know, we're not going to get this acent

182
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,960
Speaker 1: of the time, right when it happens, employing the practice

183
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,040
Speaker 1: of being able to recognize, oh that just happened. You know,

184
00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,280
Speaker 1: it's just pulling on my shirt because they're tired and hungry,

185
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,280
Speaker 1: and I responded in a way that was disproportionate hat

186
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:49,840
Speaker 1: trauma response. And again so in the moment, empathy and compassion.

187
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,400
Speaker 1: And then I mean, depending on the logistics, I want

188
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,960
Speaker 1: to always acknowledge like sometimes we can't step away or

189
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,320
Speaker 1: sometimes we have lots of other kids they are we're

190
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,720
Speaker 1: in the middle of something, but if possible, being able

191
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,720
Speaker 1: to take a minute, do some deep breathing and sort

192
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,800
Speaker 1: of employ that compassion I'm talking about, Like, Wow, I

193
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,920
Speaker 1: just had a response to something somewhat innocuous, stressful but innocuous.

194
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,240
Speaker 1: That must mean I'm coming from like an old wounded

195
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:18,400
Speaker 1: part and starting hand on heart, like I I'm just

196
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:22,000
Speaker 1: a person trying to manage really really difficult feelings from

197
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,040
Speaker 1: my past right now. And then when my favorite things

198
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,520
Speaker 1: is repair, repair, repair, It's one of my favorite tools

199
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,680
Speaker 1: as a parent. And maybe it sounds obvious, maybe it

200
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,520
Speaker 1: sounds revolutionary or somewhere in between. But we're all going

201
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,320
Speaker 1: to show up in ways that we don't feel good about.

202
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,000
Speaker 1: We just are. This is what I do for a living,

203
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,520
Speaker 1: and I do right and and so one of my

204
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,240
Speaker 1: favorite parenting tools is to go back and and and

205
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,360
Speaker 1: go to your kid, to go to my kid and say, mmmm, Mom,

206
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,040
Speaker 1: we just got really angry back there, didn't I I

207
00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,000
Speaker 1: yelled and I slammed the door. And that must have

208
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:52,840
Speaker 1: felt scary. That must have felt hard to see. I

209
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,880
Speaker 1: know it did for me. And that had nothing to

210
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,559
Speaker 1: do with you. Yeah, I needed you to sit down

211
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,880
Speaker 1: for dinner. That's still true. But Mom is gonna work

212
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,600
Speaker 1: really hard on kind of managing her tricky feelings when

213
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,080
Speaker 1: I have them, and and and and and try to

214
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:06,439
Speaker 1: do a bit better next time. We all have tricky feelings,

215
00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,600
Speaker 1: do don't we? And your kid, Michael, thank you so much.

216
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,400
Speaker 1: Your kid might go like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the

217
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,880
Speaker 1: point is is you're infusing a narrative into your kid

218
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,120
Speaker 1: that says like, tricky feelings are okay, it's okay to

219
00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,320
Speaker 1: feel disregulated, and here's what it looks like to try

220
00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,200
Speaker 1: to repair and to work on sort of containment next time.

221
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,960
Speaker 1: I love that. That's something that we do a lot

222
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:29,880
Speaker 1: at our house. And one of the things that I

223
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:35,680
Speaker 1: always try to drive home is that no one should

224
00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:38,360
Speaker 1: ever treat you that way, and you shouldn't treat anyone

225
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,880
Speaker 1: that way because I you know, especially I'm One of

226
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:43,560
Speaker 1: the things I think as a parent is I'm afraid

227
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,880
Speaker 1: that they're going to experience things and then they're going

228
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:47,760
Speaker 1: to end up in a relationship when they're like twenty five,

229
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,679
Speaker 1: and that's what it's going to be like, you know,

230
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,560
Speaker 1: and so um, you know, saying that this is normal,

231
00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:56,640
Speaker 1: and this happens doesn't mean it's okay. And then I

232
00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:58,440
Speaker 1: try on top of them and wonder how you think

233
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,760
Speaker 1: about this? I try on top of that. You know.

234
00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:04,280
Speaker 1: The other day, um My, my son Leonardo was having

235
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,400
Speaker 1: a really hard time and he didn't really understand why,

236
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,640
Speaker 1: but it's just you could tell that his nervous system

237
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:12,600
Speaker 1: was too much and moving his body and crying and

238
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,880
Speaker 1: trying to fight and a bunch of different stuff. And

239
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,280
Speaker 1: he's a really sweet kid. He's really the sweetest of

240
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,880
Speaker 1: all at my kids. And so I said, what do

241
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:23,320
Speaker 1: you need? And I took him out, just the two

242
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,400
Speaker 1: of us so we could talk, and we just went

243
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,400
Speaker 1: downstairs and then he said, I really want to go

244
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,880
Speaker 1: to the store and I want to buy balloons, and

245
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:33,800
Speaker 1: I want to buy balloons for all of us, and

246
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:36,080
Speaker 1: I you know, So we went to the there's like

247
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,720
Speaker 1: this little party dollar store to box from my house,

248
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,160
Speaker 1: and we went there and he picked up seven balloons

249
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,120
Speaker 1: and it was a really quick trip and by the

250
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:47,240
Speaker 1: time he was home, he was in a different place.

251
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:48,840
Speaker 1: And he came and he wanted to give a balloon

252
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:52,040
Speaker 1: to each one, including our four month old um and

253
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:56,320
Speaker 1: it was just so heartwarming, but he needed us an

254
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,920
Speaker 1: extra tool because reason doesn't work with a six year old.

255
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,920
Speaker 1: That's right, that's right. I love that that came to

256
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,320
Speaker 1: you both, you know, sort of organically. That is correct.

257
00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,400
Speaker 1: And you're bringing up another really important dynamic is that

258
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,760
Speaker 1: education and rationality around feeling management does not happen in

259
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:18,520
Speaker 1: the moment of an upset or a tantrum. It just doesn't.

260
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,600
Speaker 1: And so in the moment of an upset or a tantrum,

261
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:26,960
Speaker 1: go to tool, in my view, is empathy is validation, acknowledgement.

262
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,400
Speaker 1: It's so hard right now. You just wish that you

263
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,320
Speaker 1: didn't have to leave the play date. You just wish

264
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,680
Speaker 1: you could keep on staying. I know it's so hard

265
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,360
Speaker 1: to leave, so difficult. You're so angry. I see you

266
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,360
Speaker 1: punching the seat, I see you grabbing at the blankets.

267
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,000
Speaker 1: I know you don't want to leave. It's so hard,

268
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:46,360
Speaker 1: and we still set the boundary and we do have

269
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,680
Speaker 1: to go. So either you can walk out the door

270
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,080
Speaker 1: and mom is going to grab you and help you

271
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,440
Speaker 1: out the door. But being able to start with empathy,

272
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:56,080
Speaker 1: and you're right, sometimes if we have the ability or

273
00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:01,440
Speaker 1: luxury of like a little time switching landscapes, witching. Having

274
00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:06,080
Speaker 1: an emotional outlet in a different space can change how

275
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:09,240
Speaker 1: our child is moving through the moment quite significantly, and

276
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:13,320
Speaker 1: you kind of organically. And it's hard. It's hard because

277
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:15,560
Speaker 1: and I've gone through phases where I was like, all right,

278
00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:19,040
Speaker 1: go into your room or time out, or how dare

279
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,240
Speaker 1: you do that? You know, I mean, that's shaming you

280
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,520
Speaker 1: go through because you're just like, why are you doing this?

281
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:27,200
Speaker 1: I do not understand. And then that gets to a

282
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:29,560
Speaker 1: big part of what I want to talk to about today.

283
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:34,040
Speaker 1: They feel what's going on in our home. That's right,

284
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,960
Speaker 1: that's right, that's right. There's no question. I mean some

285
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,240
Speaker 1: of what you're describing responding to our kids. How dare you?

286
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,600
Speaker 1: What's wrong with you? Go to your room? You've just

287
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,800
Speaker 1: lost X, Y and Z, etcetera. All have those moments,

288
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:48,640
Speaker 1: and sometimes those things are appropriate sort of a firm,

289
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:53,840
Speaker 1: hard consequence or boundary, right, But that's secondary, that's not

290
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:58,440
Speaker 1: the headline. The headline is some version of validation and acknowledgement.

291
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,000
Speaker 1: You're hurting right now. I see you, I hear you.

292
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:04,760
Speaker 1: It feels so hard right now, You're so angry. I'm

293
00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,160
Speaker 1: gonna sit here with you until it until it passes,

294
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,080
Speaker 1: and you know what, I'm still going to sit here

295
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:12,160
Speaker 1: with you, right and talking about extending it to the

296
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:15,120
Speaker 1: notion of what's happening inside a household. If a household

297
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,560
Speaker 1: is going through a particularly difficult time, you know, related

298
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:25,080
Speaker 1: to I don't know, challenges at school, family illness, uh, separations, divorces, etcetera.

299
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:27,840
Speaker 1: Being able to say that out loud to a child,

300
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,920
Speaker 1: not in the moment of upset, because again, no education

301
00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,760
Speaker 1: or information is really seeping in, but later, maybe at bedtime.

302
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,800
Speaker 1: My favorite time to deal with my older one who's

303
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:39,720
Speaker 1: more mercurial, is to say something like, wow, I was

304
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:42,200
Speaker 1: thinking about earlier you wanted to have a second dessert

305
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:45,080
Speaker 1: and you were so mad and sad that I wouldn't

306
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:47,840
Speaker 1: let you have it. Yeah, that was really hard. And

307
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,520
Speaker 1: then if something's going on in the household, I might

308
00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:52,200
Speaker 1: say something like, gosh, you know, we just we've been

309
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:56,040
Speaker 1: looking at a different schools for the last month. I

310
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,880
Speaker 1: wonder how that feels inside your body or inside the house,

311
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:01,000
Speaker 1: like a change is coming and it's kind of scary,

312
00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,160
Speaker 1: a lot of unknowns, and maybe you feel that um

313
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,679
Speaker 1: and that's normal. I feel it a little bit. I'm

314
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,160
Speaker 1: a little nervous about where we're gonna end up, where

315
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,200
Speaker 1: I'm going to make new friends, how it's gonna feel,

316
00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,280
Speaker 1: and being able. You know, my my eight year old

317
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,239
Speaker 1: will be like, oh yeah, yeah, stop talking. You know,

318
00:17:16,359 --> 00:17:18,800
Speaker 1: my little one would engage forever, but my my older

319
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,080
Speaker 1: one is going to deny any complicated feelings, even though

320
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:25,600
Speaker 1: he's a son of a a psychologist. But right nonetheless, I

321
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,639
Speaker 1: know that that narrative is getting in there that I'm

322
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:33,520
Speaker 1: providing him guidance and insight, you know, sort of goal

323
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,920
Speaker 1: posts if you will, about what's happening in the house.

324
00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:38,879
Speaker 1: It's not you. There's there's a feeling going out inside

325
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,840
Speaker 1: the house that's hard. Right now, we all feel it.

326
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,480
Speaker 1: What about when it's not age appropriate to have certain

327
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,080
Speaker 1: conversations with them? How and that they can feel it

328
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,479
Speaker 1: and you're trying so hard to mask it and you're

329
00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:01,399
Speaker 1: trying so hard to in a smile on your face

330
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,120
Speaker 1: and like everything's okay. There's joke in my house where

331
00:18:04,119 --> 00:18:08,000
Speaker 1: I was like it's all great, yeah, great, like literally

332
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:12,159
Speaker 1: I'm poppy in uh in trolls where like every and

333
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,119
Speaker 1: she's like I'm gonna get back up again. You know,

334
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,159
Speaker 1: people joke and we joke on the house that that's me.

335
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,600
Speaker 1: But it's like, you know, what do you do when

336
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,919
Speaker 1: you can't actually explain to them? Such a good question.

337
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,159
Speaker 1: I'm so so happy that you asked it. You can

338
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,320
Speaker 1: still have a conversation. And I know we imagine that

339
00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:28,840
Speaker 1: our kids are going to sort of be like, no, no,

340
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,560
Speaker 1: but what is it? What's going on? You have to

341
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,159
Speaker 1: tell me, please fill in the blanks. It's not really

342
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:36,000
Speaker 1: really what kids are interested, and especially little ones, what

343
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,080
Speaker 1: they want to know is that you're okay and they're okay.

344
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,639
Speaker 1: So I would still say some version of like, I

345
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,080
Speaker 1: think it's been feeling a little tricky in the house,

346
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:49,800
Speaker 1: like some worry and some difficult feelings like frustration or sadness.

347
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:54,159
Speaker 1: I felt that have you. Well, they might say yes, no,

348
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,840
Speaker 1: or nothing, and that might feel really hard. It might

349
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:58,600
Speaker 1: feel a little bit different to be in the house.

350
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,800
Speaker 1: That might make you sad or mad. And I want

351
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,520
Speaker 1: you to know that sometimes families go through times where

352
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,359
Speaker 1: those kind of feelings are are more present than other times.

353
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:08,480
Speaker 1: And I'm here and we're all together and you can

354
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,080
Speaker 1: always talk to me and we'll all work through those

355
00:19:11,119 --> 00:19:13,840
Speaker 1: things together, right, So you don't have to say to

356
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:17,080
Speaker 1: them that anything specific is going on per se and

357
00:19:17,119 --> 00:19:21,800
Speaker 1: if something specifics going on, uh, there's an illness or something,

358
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,080
Speaker 1: but you're not wanting to get into the details of

359
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,639
Speaker 1: the severity of the illness or um or what's going

360
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,640
Speaker 1: to happen. You can say like, oh, Grandma's sick and

361
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:33,000
Speaker 1: that's and that's felt a little bit hard for all

362
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,879
Speaker 1: of us. We're not sure how she's doing every day

363
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,800
Speaker 1: and we're wondering about her and thinking about her, and

364
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:41,320
Speaker 1: that's hard, right, So you can just do like really

365
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,720
Speaker 1: age appropriate general stuff. I think there's a feeling or

366
00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:46,520
Speaker 1: a poll that we have to fill in all the blanks.

367
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:48,360
Speaker 1: And really, our kids, as I said before, just want

368
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,520
Speaker 1: to know we're okay and they're okay, and to acknowledge

369
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,320
Speaker 1: what they're experiencing. Naming it is so much more containing

370
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,320
Speaker 1: than suppressing and denying it. And we know that has

371
00:19:58,359 --> 00:20:00,680
Speaker 1: grown ups. Right. If you think about your friend, your sister,

372
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,720
Speaker 1: your partner, if you're feeling upset and angry and you

373
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,960
Speaker 1: share that in your partners, like oh my god, you're fine,

374
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,880
Speaker 1: You're always fine, like you always figure out a way

375
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 1: through it, that doesn't feel as good as when our

376
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:13,800
Speaker 1: partners says, Oh my god, I'm so sorry you're feeling

377
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,919
Speaker 1: that way, like it's been such a difficult week, and

378
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:20,080
Speaker 1: you know what, I felt it too. Kind of thing, right,

379
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:23,200
Speaker 1: it feels so much more containing and relieving. Our feelings

380
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,840
Speaker 1: can come up and out instead of stay stuck inside.

381
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,560
Speaker 1: So don't be afraid to go towards the tricky feeling,

382
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:33,960
Speaker 1: you know, inside ourselves, and definitely not with our kids. Yeah. Absolutely,

383
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,119
Speaker 1: As a parent, we we want to protect our children,

384
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,160
Speaker 1: make it like everything is fine, even when it's not.

385
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,280
Speaker 1: That's right, it is. It is a primitive edict that

386
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:45,280
Speaker 1: we all have to be conscious of and sort of

387
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,800
Speaker 1: fight against. I mean, not not to overstate it, but

388
00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 1: we are not serving our children better by keeping them

389
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:56,400
Speaker 1: apart from the exposure and management of tricky feelings. There's

390
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:58,879
Speaker 1: there's no escape from tricky feelings as little ones are

391
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,040
Speaker 1: as adults, and so we want to be able to

392
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:04,240
Speaker 1: say we all have this, and here's what it looks like,

393
00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,720
Speaker 1: and here are ways to cope with it, and to

394
00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,480
Speaker 1: notice that our bodies always regulate to another feeling state.

395
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:12,520
Speaker 1: I'll say that to my kids a lot that like,

396
00:21:13,359 --> 00:21:15,840
Speaker 1: did you ever notice that that a feeling that one

397
00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:19,640
Speaker 1: particular feeling never stays, it always changes, it always goes away. Right,

398
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,800
Speaker 1: So if you're feeling said, you kind of know that

399
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,880
Speaker 1: at some point they'll feel different, right. So, and that's

400
00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 1: true for all of us too. We don't always have

401
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,520
Speaker 1: just one feeling state and be able being able to

402
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:32,360
Speaker 1: sort of teach our kids that through our own management

403
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,159
Speaker 1: or our tricky feelings and through the room. Yeah, we

404
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:39,040
Speaker 1: aside from like say, ensuring your children that the feelings

405
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:42,679
Speaker 1: do transmute and become something else eventually. Um, are there

406
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:45,400
Speaker 1: any other little tips you have? Like I always think

407
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 1: with kids like box breathing very simple, you know, techniques

408
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,760
Speaker 1: that just kind of immediately calm the system. Are there

409
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:56,320
Speaker 1: any that our top of mind for you just we

410
00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,639
Speaker 1: could recommend? I think breathing is an excellent tool. We

411
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:04,800
Speaker 1: do either breathe four times, hold and then breathe out

412
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 1: for four times. We do rainbow brass where the kids

413
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,919
Speaker 1: sort of hold their hands and do some version of this,

414
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:13,280
Speaker 1: which can be really useful. We sometimes draw out feelings,

415
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 1: like you're feeling so frustrated. I wonder if you can

416
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,080
Speaker 1: make a picture of that or tell a story around it.

417
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:21,080
Speaker 1: My older one really likes what but I would say

418
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:26,840
Speaker 1: the primary thing, and this feels paradoxical, so paradoxical, is

419
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,639
Speaker 1: to just sit with our kid in the feeling, to

420
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:31,880
Speaker 1: try to name it and sit in it. Because more

421
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,320
Speaker 1: we try to make it go away, the more persistent

422
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,520
Speaker 1: it is. And we notice that with ourselves. If we

423
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,840
Speaker 1: feel anxious but we try to push it away to

424
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,119
Speaker 1: suppress it, it it like shows up some other way now

425
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,000
Speaker 1: a sudden, are tummy hurts? Or you know, our shoulders

426
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,879
Speaker 1: are tight, right, but though they are in a supported environment,

427
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 1: it usually dissipates. So I know it's not always possible,

428
00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:54,840
Speaker 1: but to the extent it is to be able to

429
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,240
Speaker 1: just sit with a kid and like you're you're so sad.

430
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 1: Nothing feels good right now? Right? No, I tell I

431
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,760
Speaker 1: teach my kids that, yeah, well, or or at least

432
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,400
Speaker 1: you can work with it. I teach my my children

433
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,720
Speaker 1: that your your body has a physical reaction to all

434
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,440
Speaker 1: of your thoughts and emotions. So once we have that,

435
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,199
Speaker 1: we think about, okay, well, how are my thoughts affecting

436
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,480
Speaker 1: all of my muscles? You know what? It makes sense.

437
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,760
Speaker 1: When you're in love, your belly is full of butterflies.

438
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,760
Speaker 1: When you're scared, your mouth is going to go dry.

439
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,880
Speaker 1: When you're stressed, your neck is gonna hurt. I mean,

440
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,960
Speaker 1: it's it makes sense. And so to teach them that,

441
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:33,760
Speaker 1: I mean, I always say I'm going to be a

442
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:36,160
Speaker 1: successful parents if I can teach them to be good

443
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,960
Speaker 1: little problem solvers. I want them to be like, Okay,

444
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,560
Speaker 1: this is the issue. Let me weed away all of

445
00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,320
Speaker 1: the stuff that I just is not helpful and that

446
00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:46,920
Speaker 1: is tension in my job that is not going to

447
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,680
Speaker 1: make the situation better, and then I can really focus

448
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,919
Speaker 1: on on what needs to get done and how to

449
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,320
Speaker 1: solve this. And I love what you're saying as well

450
00:23:55,359 --> 00:23:59,200
Speaker 1: about you know, making teaching them things that they're temporary,

451
00:23:59,359 --> 00:24:02,240
Speaker 1: things are tem bory because as you know, as adults

452
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:07,680
Speaker 1: that's difficult, and as children that's extraordinarily difficult. And that's

453
00:24:07,720 --> 00:24:10,160
Speaker 1: where you know, when you talk about child suicide rates

454
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 1: and stuff like that, a lot of it is not understanding,

455
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:19,080
Speaker 1: not being in that outside looking in saying this is temporary,

456
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,000
Speaker 1: this is going to go and I have the ability

457
00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:26,480
Speaker 1: and the resources to get out and not being afraid

458
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,960
Speaker 1: of the feelings. And you know, one one concept I

459
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,760
Speaker 1: like to think about is is it's not about sort

460
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 1: of guiding our children to make their feelings go away.

461
00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 1: It's about getting them better to feel the feelings right,

462
00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:42,160
Speaker 1: and so having a narrative around that. I know it,

463
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,199
Speaker 1: it's so hard to feel this you just wanted to

464
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,439
Speaker 1: go away or but being able to say, like, sitting

465
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,400
Speaker 1: in your feelings is part of how we help them

466
00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:53,840
Speaker 1: go away, talking about them in a safe environment, feeling

467
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,760
Speaker 1: them in your body and letting them come up and out,

468
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,040
Speaker 1: not being afraid of the feeling and not being afraid

469
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,320
Speaker 1: of how it feels in your body. And I love

470
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,159
Speaker 1: that you have that dialogue with your kids because oftentimes,

471
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:06,000
Speaker 1: as I work with adults all the time that have

472
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:11,119
Speaker 1: a um sort of a traumatic response to a bodily

473
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:15,200
Speaker 1: sensation that's related to a difficult feeling. Right, so they

474
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,240
Speaker 1: feel shiky or their chest titans, and that feels traumatic

475
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:21,879
Speaker 1: because it feels like it's dangerous, and that fight or

476
00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:24,720
Speaker 1: flights sort of false alarm threat kicks in as opposed

477
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:28,320
Speaker 1: to like, Okay, something something hard or scary or difficult

478
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,679
Speaker 1: or worrisome has has come into my head or in

479
00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,280
Speaker 1: my environment, and like, how do I take a moment

480
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:35,080
Speaker 1: and breathe into it and figure out what my next

481
00:25:35,119 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 1: move is? You know that difference between being like in

482
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:40,439
Speaker 1: the feeling and then outside of feeling. Thank you so

483
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,320
Speaker 1: much for joining us today. We could continue this conversation

484
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,719
Speaker 1: for a very long time, and I think one thing

485
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,120
Speaker 1: I'd love to take away from this is how we

486
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:51,239
Speaker 1: know how to explain it to our kids, but we

487
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:54,040
Speaker 1: still have the same responses and how to integrate that

488
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,560
Speaker 1: into our practice. So thank you for that reminder. Thank

489
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:58,240
Speaker 1: you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

490
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:03,280
Speaker 1: Thank you, Michelle. One thing I really love about that

491
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:07,560
Speaker 1: conversation is, you know, I went into it with this

492
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 1: idea of, oh gosh, how do I protect my kids

493
00:26:11,119 --> 00:26:15,639
Speaker 1: from just all of this growing up and the negative

494
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,199
Speaker 1: things in life and hard times? And I just do

495
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:21,119
Speaker 1: want everything to be sunshine and rainbows all the time.

496
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,439
Speaker 1: And one of the things that I really appreciated that

497
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:29,960
Speaker 1: Dr Gilshaw told us is that sometimes teaching them not

498
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,199
Speaker 1: to be afraid of the emotion and not to be

499
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 1: afraid of the pain, and you know, not to be

500
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 1: afraid of going through hard times, that actually is such

501
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,880
Speaker 1: a gift because it's going to teach them to be

502
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:45,639
Speaker 1: resilient and understand that feelings are temporary and that you

503
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,679
Speaker 1: know better times can come again, and when when the

504
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:52,080
Speaker 1: fear no longer elicits fear, then there's a there's a

505
00:26:52,119 --> 00:26:55,280
Speaker 1: lot of freedom too, because fear is the most paralyzing

506
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:56,639
Speaker 1: thing any of us go through. I mean, I was

507
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:59,280
Speaker 1: thinking about what she said about the trauma response and

508
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,040
Speaker 1: how you can have a reaction that's almost out of body,

509
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:04,000
Speaker 1: and I was thinking about about a year ago, I

510
00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:08,040
Speaker 1: was arguing with someone pretty intensely and I got so

511
00:27:08,119 --> 00:27:11,760
Speaker 1: out of my body that I made the uber pull over,

512
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:13,880
Speaker 1: jumped out of the car and started running down the street.

513
00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,080
Speaker 1: It was such a wild reaction and it was such

514
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,800
Speaker 1: you know, deeply seated trauma response. And it was kind

515
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,639
Speaker 1: of interesting to have her say that, because you know,

516
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,119
Speaker 1: we're all subject to a children, adults, everyone, and so

517
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,679
Speaker 1: it's it's it's a nice reminder that we're not alone.

518
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,520
Speaker 1: And the body is so complicated in the mind, you know,

519
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,680
Speaker 1: it can take us, you know, to the most highest

520
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,439
Speaker 1: highs and the lowest lows, and that we all just

521
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:39,960
Speaker 1: need to be patient, breathe through it, feel the feelings,

522
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,680
Speaker 1: and there's it's got to be a way out. Yeah,

523
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: And I'm seeing the humanity and other people as well

524
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 1: and understanding that they might be going through something as well,

525
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:55,480
Speaker 1: and so being kind, being patients and being good, you know,

526
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,399
Speaker 1: friends to as many people as we can. You know,

527
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,720
Speaker 1: what's that, I don't know, let's blow but that idea.

528
00:28:00,920 --> 00:28:03,480
Speaker 1: You know, everyone you meet is going through something, right,

529
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:07,200
Speaker 1: So just having that kind of approach a little gentler

530
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,960
Speaker 1: absolutely all right, guys. So that's it for today. Thank

531
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,320
Speaker 1: you so much for for listening, and thank you again

532
00:28:15,560 --> 00:28:18,040
Speaker 1: for all of your kindness and support