Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever
Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to
Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break
Speaker 1: down the Psychology of Your twenties. Recently, I've been thinking
Speaker 1: quite a bit about envy and all the ways in
Speaker 1: which many of us in our twenties, myself included, never
Speaker 1: seem to be satisfied with what we have, or in
Speaker 1: some ways in constant competition with those around us who
Speaker 1: we perceive as being more accomplished, happier, more successful, maybe
Speaker 1: more materially blessed. It is such a mental trap to
Speaker 1: constantly be feeling not just inferior, but this like really
Speaker 1: intense sense of jealousy or longing for more, and using
Speaker 1: other people as feel for that insecurity, feeling like maybe
Speaker 1: they haven't worked as hard as us, that you deserve
Speaker 1: the life that they have, that it's unfair, and you
Speaker 1: know what, I'll admit part of my fascination with this
Speaker 1: at the moment is because I've been feeling a lot
Speaker 1: of envy recently, envy that I think is wrongly placed
Speaker 1: and causing me a lot of dissatisfaction. And I think
Speaker 1: that envy is not a bad emotion if you take
Speaker 1: time to examine it. It's also one of those emotions
Speaker 1: that we rarely want to admit or reveal to other
Speaker 1: people or subconsciously to ourselves. But I think it's really
Speaker 1: important to And it's interesting because I think we can
Speaker 1: feel and about almost anything about somebody's body, their clothes,
Speaker 1: their social status, of someone's relationship. You know, your friend's
Speaker 1: dream job or your coworker's promotion at work. You might
Speaker 1: initially feel happy for them, right, but there's also that
Speaker 1: pang of pain, as if your brain is saying, you know,
Speaker 1: why don't we have those things? That resentment, I think
Speaker 1: really stops us from not just appreciating what we have,
Speaker 1: but from celebrating others. And then, on the flip side
Speaker 1: of our experience of feeling envy is the experience of
Speaker 1: being envied by someone else. Maybe you have one of
Speaker 1: these friends or these people in your life. Sometimes it
Speaker 1: can even be a parent or a family member in
Speaker 1: some cases who sees what you have and finds you
Speaker 1: undeserving or themselves more deserving, and they envy you for it.
Speaker 1: They refuse to celebrate your accomplishments. They are constantly scrutinizing
Speaker 1: and judging you, offering fake compliments or you know, I
Speaker 1: think also attempting to compete with you as another huge
Speaker 1: one that is also not a great feeling. And I
Speaker 1: think it's really fascinating because all of us experience this right,
Speaker 1: every single one of us, but we never we so
Speaker 1: infrequently speak about it because of the shame we feel
Speaker 1: towards what is, at the end of the day, a
Speaker 1: very anti social emotion, a feeling that is derived primarily
Speaker 1: from our own insecurities. And these are insecurities that we
Speaker 1: definitely don't want to admit, you know. To admit our
Speaker 1: envy is to admit how we truly feel about ourselves,
Speaker 1: which is that we are lacking. Hence why someone else's
Speaker 1: successes accomplishments have the capacity to make us feel so
Speaker 1: terrible about ourselves. So I think that that is why
Speaker 1: I wanted to direct our attention to this today. We
Speaker 1: owe it to ourselves to examine, not just the origins
Speaker 1: of our enva, but the consequences it has, the why
Speaker 1: behind envy, and how do I guess, get to the
Speaker 1: point where we are happy and satisfied with what we
Speaker 1: have without needing to constantly be like someone else. I think,
Speaker 1: without needing to constantly compare, that is true freedom. And
Speaker 1: I think envy and the implicit comparison that comes along
Speaker 1: with it is such a thief of our joy, especially
Speaker 1: for those of us in our twenties, where someone else
Speaker 1: is always going to appear like they are doing better
Speaker 1: than you. We are all at such various different points
Speaker 1: of our journey. Some of us are further along, some
Speaker 1: of us might feel behind, but it's not a race.
Speaker 1: So I think approaching that dynamic, approaching that nuance and
Speaker 1: everyone's different trajectory, is not actually going to help us.
Speaker 1: It's gonna harm us. It's going to make us resentful people.
Speaker 1: It's going to make us bitter people. So I think
Speaker 1: understanding these reactions and the influence it has on our
Speaker 1: lives and our psychology is really important. So let's, of course,
Speaker 1: as we always do, start with the basics. Envy is
Speaker 1: obviously an emotion that occurs when one person wants something
Speaker 1: that another person has, whether that thing is a material
Speaker 1: possession or perceived success or stature. Envy to me is
Speaker 1: one of those emotions that has never quite felt in
Speaker 1: isolation or on its own. It's almost always associated or
Speaker 1: consists of other elements like longing, like feelings of inferiority,
Speaker 1: ill will towards the envied person, resentment, guilt. When a
Speaker 1: person such as ourselves becomes envious, it is often due
Speaker 1: to some degree of dissatisfaction with this self. In other words,
Speaker 1: envy occurs when a person believes that having what another
Speaker 1: person has would increase their own happiness. So this person,
Speaker 1: this envied person, is almost like a scapegoat for them, right.
Speaker 1: It's almost like instead of complaining or instead of looking
Speaker 1: to myself and feeling like I'm inferior for not having that,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tear this other person down and find ways
Speaker 1: in which they are undeserving in order to protect my
Speaker 1: own ego. So that's a more psychological definition. Envy is
Speaker 1: also commonly known as one of the seven Deadly sins.
Speaker 1: And I want to highlight an important distinction here between
Speaker 1: envy and jealousy, because I think they are often compared,
Speaker 1: but also confused. They sometimes often feel the same, they
Speaker 1: look the same, We use them interchangeably. But whilst jealousy
Speaker 1: is defensive, it's kind of like an instinct to protect
Speaker 1: the something that you already have, like feeling jealous of
Speaker 1: other people looking at your partner, or jealous of other
Speaker 1: people in the workplace because you're worried they're gonna be
Speaker 1: promoted above you. Envy is offensive. It's resentment over what
Speaker 1: someone else has that you like, like the progression, like
Speaker 1: the perfect relationship, like they are with someone that you
Speaker 1: want to be with. You envy what they have. Jealousy
Speaker 1: is protecting what you have. So I think this emotion
Speaker 1: is really deeply ingrained in our human psyche. It exists
Speaker 1: in all of us, in all societies, and has so
Speaker 1: for generations and will continue to do so. And I
Speaker 1: think the universality of that kind of goes to show
Speaker 1: that it may have some purpose, even if we typically
Speaker 1: think of it as a very distasteful emotion, Because something
Speaker 1: is reactive as envy, as maybe aggressive as envy, probably
Speaker 1: would have been eliminated from the kind of gene pool
Speaker 1: if it didn't serve some benefit. And we see that
Speaker 1: in how envy develops and evolves in us as individuals.
Speaker 1: Envy first really appears in really early stages of our development,
Speaker 1: especially when we are quite young children. And if you've
Speaker 1: ever been around young kids, something you hear a lot
Speaker 1: is that everything is so unfair and that life is
Speaker 1: not fair and it's not fair that their friend or
Speaker 1: their sibling got the toy that they wanted, or got
Speaker 1: the extra dessert, or got more Christmas presents. Often this
Speaker 1: is really focused on material possessions, and you know, kids,
Speaker 1: by nature, I would say, are very greedy, and I
Speaker 1: think that highlights how perhaps envy is really derived from greed.
Speaker 1: But as we get older, we learn to hide that
Speaker 1: instinct because it's unattractive. We learn that to be greedy
Speaker 1: is quite an ugly thing. But with children, they are
Speaker 1: yet to develop that social inhibition, so they really kind
Speaker 1: of reveal parts of our human nature that adults are
Speaker 1: better at hiding that adults might not want to admit.
Speaker 1: So when we look at envy from an evolutionary perspective,
Speaker 1: I think that becomes a lot more. You guys know,
Speaker 1: I love my history deep dives. I love to explore
Speaker 1: how current emotions have their origins and some prehistoric instincts,
Speaker 1: and I think envy is a really really good example
Speaker 1: of this. I saw someone explain this really well in
Speaker 1: an article. Essentially, in the past, when we were developing
Speaker 1: as a species, a lot of the resources that we
Speaker 1: needed to not just survive but thrive, things like food,
Speaker 1: materials to build homes, fertile land at places that were secure.
Speaker 1: Even the more developed we got wealth and money, those
Speaker 1: resources were really limited, and so that created a natural
Speaker 1: competition not just between individuals but groups of people. And
Speaker 1: that competition is what created envy and also what created greed.
Speaker 1: It benefited us to be more aware of what others
Speaker 1: had and what we may have lacked in order to
Speaker 1: motive us to get those things, in order to motivate
Speaker 1: us to kind of collect and hoard more of those
Speaker 1: vital resources. That has also been influenced by culture. If
Speaker 1: you were brought up in a family or an environment
Speaker 1: that placed a really huge emphasis on success and therefore
Speaker 1: subsequently competing with others, you are more prone to feeling envious.
Speaker 1: Just as a basis of your upbringing, You're more prone
Speaker 1: to feeling like you're falling behind, maybe feeling insecure about
Speaker 1: your achievements, and therefore projecting that emotion onto others. That
Speaker 1: is reflected in what psychologists have proposed other conditions of envy.
Speaker 1: There are three of these. Firstly, the person we envy
Speaker 1: is normally someone who we feel related to in some way.
Speaker 1: For example, they are a friend, they are a family member,
Speaker 1: they are an acquaintance, or in the case of people
Speaker 1: that we see online or on social media, they have
Speaker 1: to be individuals who we feel somewhat similar to in
Speaker 1: terms of things like age, gender, ethnicity, certain personal characteristics.
Speaker 1: For example, we are much more likely to envy the
Speaker 1: wealth and privilege of someone like Bella Hadid or Taylor
Speaker 1: Swift if you are a woman in your twenties compared
Speaker 1: to a billionaire like Bill Gates or Rupert Murdock, because
Speaker 1: we feel like we already share some of the same
Speaker 1: qualities as people like Bella or Taylor. Yes, we may
Speaker 1: not be mega famous, we may not be millionaires, but
Speaker 1: we do feel similar to them in terms of our
Speaker 1: certain personal characteristics, and so they become a good point
Speaker 1: of comparison for what we are maybe lacking or missing
Speaker 1: out on. So that really links to this point. Envy
Speaker 1: is essentially derived from social comparison. It develops when we
Speaker 1: instinctively compare ourselves to others, often once again those people
Speaker 1: who are most like us, but also those who we
Speaker 1: find ourselves to be inferior to. And although this process
Speaker 1: is a natural one, I think it's also been deeply
Speaker 1: exacerbated by recent technological advancements like social media. We now
Speaker 1: constantly see the achievements and positive life experiences of everyone
Speaker 1: we know and everyone we don't know on platforms like
Speaker 1: Instagram or even LinkedIn for my professional listeners. And when
Speaker 1: we are bombarded with this, when we are constantly seeing
Speaker 1: I hate the term highlight reel, but that's really what
Speaker 1: it is, a highlight reel, we start to feel envious
Speaker 1: because we know our life as a series of not
Speaker 1: just achievements but also imperfections. But we don't see other
Speaker 1: people's lives like that because they don't give us the
Speaker 1: option to view them in that way. They're not going
Speaker 1: to post on their LinkedIn or on their Instagram. I'm like, oh,
Speaker 1: had a really tough conversation with my boss today, might
Speaker 1: be getting fired, or like me and my boyfriend broke up.
Speaker 1: I feel like normal ever love me. Like they're not
Speaker 1: posting that, they're posting the things that are going to
Speaker 1: make them look good. But yet we wonder why we
Speaker 1: are not like that perfect version, why we are not
Speaker 1: as experienced or as successful, or we don't look like them,
Speaker 1: but we're not as happy as them, because that is
Speaker 1: constantly presented to us front and center everywhere we look.
Speaker 1: The second condition of envy is that we can really
Speaker 1: only envy what we desire. I know that sounds fairly obvious,
Speaker 1: but obviously we cannot envy someone's bad luck. We cannot
Speaker 1: envy someone's shortcomings or misgivings. That's because envy is, once again,
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, about what we lack.
Speaker 1: We are the ones with the perceived bad luck or
Speaker 1: the shortcomings or the deficits. So we don't envy this
Speaker 1: other person simply because of what they have. We envy
Speaker 1: them because we don't have it, and we adopt the
Speaker 1: attitude that this one quality or one possession or one
Speaker 1: privilege is what is going to make our lives better.
Speaker 1: That is really important to remember. The pain of envy
Speaker 1: is caused not just by the desire for the advantages
Speaker 1: of others per se, but our feelings of inferiority and
Speaker 1: frustration that is mirrored back to us by someone else's success,
Speaker 1: and it's that insecurity that makes envy such an emotionally
Speaker 1: painful experience. At times. I think about this a lot,
Speaker 1: in the sense of the people that we can't help
Speaker 1: but dislike on social media, even if we've never met them.
Speaker 1: Social media influencers, creators, whatever. These are the people that
Speaker 1: we might quote unquote hate follow, And that's a term
Speaker 1: I actually learned the other day. It's this case where
Speaker 1: we know that their content is going to make us
Speaker 1: fe feel bad about ourselves. It's going to elicit envy,
Speaker 1: but we can't help but keep watching and observing. They
Speaker 1: appear to live perfect lives. They have everything we wanted,
Speaker 1: maybe the dream job, the curated outfits, the overseas trips,
Speaker 1: the friendship circle. Instead of admiring them for it, it
Speaker 1: makes us so insecure that we can't help but be
Speaker 1: reactive and judge them. And it's interesting because envy of
Speaker 1: this sort really disguises itself because we know that it's
Speaker 1: not socially acceptable to outright say I actually really don't
Speaker 1: like this person, and I have no good reason for
Speaker 1: it other than that I resent their success. You know,
Speaker 1: we cannot say that because people are gonna look at
Speaker 1: us funny and be like, what is their deal? So
Speaker 1: instead it gives rise to a lot more subtle defensive
Speaker 1: reactions like character defamation, sarcasm, snobbery, nitpicking, trying to find
Speaker 1: some flaw or reason that we or others perhaps shouldn't
Speaker 1: admire this person. We see that with online personas once again,
Speaker 1: or the time where we implicitly kind of impose some
Speaker 1: sort of moral high horse, like you know, yes, sure,
Speaker 1: sure that person has a million dollars and people think
Speaker 1: they're great, but at least I wasn't handed everything in life,
Speaker 1: or yeah, sure they have a private jet, but that
Speaker 1: is so bad for the environment, and at least I'm sustainable.
Speaker 1: Anything to simultaneously justify our envy, our dislike whilst also
Speaker 1: protecting our character. So concluding that someone isn't deserving is
Speaker 1: one of the ways that we do that. I see
Speaker 1: that all the time, And you know what, sometimes that
Speaker 1: might be fair, That might be fair, this person might
Speaker 1: be like an EPO baby or whatnot, But it doesn't
Speaker 1: eliminate the fact that at the end of the day,
Speaker 1: you are still the one who was reacting from a
Speaker 1: place of insecurity. You secretly still want what they have,
Speaker 1: even if at the same time you're telling yourself that
Speaker 1: it's a problem. I think envy is intriguing in that way,
Speaker 1: because when we see something that we desire, that we
Speaker 1: believe we should be entitled to, we often don't consider
Speaker 1: the full picture. We don't consider the effort that may
Speaker 1: have gone into creating that dream life, or the sacrifices,
Speaker 1: or maybe even the downsides. It's so one dimensional to us.
Speaker 1: Often our envy convinces us that everything someone else has,
Speaker 1: everything that we want, that they have, has come to
Speaker 1: them purely by chance, and that it was luck. And
Speaker 1: maybe in some ways that is true when we think
Speaker 1: about obviously nepotism was one I said before, or generational wealth,
Speaker 1: but in many ways it's a lot more complex than that.
Speaker 1: But by blinding us to that, by blinding us to
Speaker 1: the fact that this person actually maybe did give a
Speaker 1: whole lot more than we can see for that life,
Speaker 1: it allows our envy to become self sustaining, and it
Speaker 1: feels justified. And when that envy is justified, it's chronic,
Speaker 1: and it leads to a pretty unhappy life, to constantly
Speaker 1: feel less, to feel like others have more, to feel
Speaker 1: dissatisfied and in a state of comparison or competition is
Speaker 1: a really dark place to be in, and it has
Speaker 1: a lot of secondary consequences for our relationships, not just
Speaker 1: with others, but our relationship with ourself and with our
Speaker 1: own sense of self worth. So I think it's incredibly
Speaker 1: important to explore how we can kind of befriend out
Speaker 1: that green eyed monster. We have to make friends with it,
Speaker 1: and we have to stop comparing ourselves to others. I
Speaker 1: know that is easier said than done, but I'm going
Speaker 1: to give you some tips for doing just that, and
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about it a lot more after
Speaker 1: this shortbreak. Envying others is not going to give you
Speaker 1: what they have. It will not help you get any
Speaker 1: closer to your goals or your dreams. Unfortunately, it's not
Speaker 1: going to make you happier. Your envy is also not
Speaker 1: going to hurt that person who's success you really long for,
Speaker 1: and it's certainly not going to make you many friends.
Speaker 1: I think envy and with that competition is such an
Speaker 1: insidious feeling because we may feel like we're doing something
Speaker 1: about our fears and insecurities by reflecting them onto the
Speaker 1: other person, but it also normally manifests and behaviors that
Speaker 1: self sabotage. That sabotage not just our own efforts, but
Speaker 1: also the relationships we have with other people. Where we
Speaker 1: begin to express resentment, we tear them down, sometimes without
Speaker 1: even realizing it. That's the important thing, you know. I
Speaker 1: don't think anyone wants to be an envious person. It's
Speaker 1: just that it has a strange influence on how we
Speaker 1: see ourselves and therefore how we treat others. I think
Speaker 1: that's the part of it. It's often is so out
Speaker 1: of our control, probably because it does originate in a
Speaker 1: lot of self doubt and limiting beliefs which are not
Speaker 1: always operating at the front of our mind because of
Speaker 1: the fact that they are too painful to acknowledge. You know,
Speaker 1: feeling inadequate is not something that our brain wants to
Speaker 1: constantly remind us of. Instead, it will compare and use
Speaker 1: that as kind of a proxy. It's a knee jerk
Speaker 1: reaction to not feeling that we are good enough. So
Speaker 1: how are we you and I going to stop feeling
Speaker 1: envious and better? Yet, how are we actually going to
Speaker 1: project gratitude and joy for what we have? Regardless of
Speaker 1: whether someone else happens to have more. Envy is kind
Speaker 1: of a question of attitude, and it's an attitude a
Speaker 1: mindset that is a natural opposite to grettitude and generosity.
Speaker 1: When we come across someone who is better or more
Speaker 1: successful than we are and we experience that typical pay
Speaker 1: we get to choose whether we are going to react
Speaker 1: from a place of comparison and inferiority or respond with
Speaker 1: genuine happiness for the other person and kind of a
Speaker 1: mutual gratitude for what we have, relying on our empathy
Speaker 1: in those moments, Sometimes when I feel like I need
Speaker 1: to compare, instead, I try and ask myself the following questions.
Speaker 1: If this was me, how would I like to be
Speaker 1: celebrated for my successes? How can I make this person
Speaker 1: feel really amazing about themselves? And then I also try
Speaker 1: and be like, what has led this person to this moment?
Speaker 1: What has given them their success? I had this realization
Speaker 1: the other day, and maybe it's not mind blowing for you,
Speaker 1: maybe I'm late to the party, but I realized that
Speaker 1: I really do get to choose how I feel. I
Speaker 1: am in charge of my own emotions and how they
Speaker 1: impact my behavior, and for a long time, I was like, envy,
Speaker 1: is this uncontrollable little devil that I have no saying.
Speaker 1: It just comes about every now and again, and I
Speaker 1: just have to live with it. I think in those
Speaker 1: moments when I was experiencing envy and making myself feel bad,
Speaker 1: I decided that I can reverse that feeling by talking
Speaker 1: to my envy, talking to myself almost as a third party,
Speaker 1: almost having like a solo pep talk or advice session
Speaker 1: where I speak to my ego, the part of me
Speaker 1: that feels hurt, almost like a child. And it feels
Speaker 1: embarrassing to say it out loud, but I started doing
Speaker 1: this thing where I was basically like, Gemma, is this
Speaker 1: really benefiting you right now? Is this making you feel better? No?
Speaker 1: So why are you allowing yourself to have this thought?
Speaker 1: You can replace that with a better thought. You can
Speaker 1: replace it by choosing to focus on what you do have.
Speaker 1: And I think this is basically a form of mindfulness
Speaker 1: whereby we pay attention, full attention to what is going
Speaker 1: on within us and also outside of you, without judgment.
Speaker 1: You pay attention to what is triggering you, what is
Speaker 1: creating this feeling, whilst also not needing to be invested
Speaker 1: in it. You know, you can feel envy without needing
Speaker 1: to respond, and instead pause, make a mental list of
Speaker 1: all the ways that you are fulfilled, that you are secure,
Speaker 1: that you have a lot more than other people do.
Speaker 1: Remember this, please, please remember this. If you remember only
Speaker 1: one thing from this episode, you are not an envious
Speaker 1: or bad person just because you experience envy. No emotion
Speaker 1: is inherently bad or evil. They all have a place,
Speaker 1: and I think envy's purpose in this sense is to
Speaker 1: serve as a reminder of what you actually aspire for,
Speaker 1: because you wouldn't be jealous of this person if you
Speaker 1: didn't implicitly desire what they had created for themselves. So
Speaker 1: let it serve as a reminder of your goals and
Speaker 1: your vision for your life. You know one of your
Speaker 1: friends has just bought their first home, has their dream relationship,
Speaker 1: is getting their PhD. It's just like killing it. You
Speaker 1: want that. That's why you're envious, so make it happen. Also,
Speaker 1: there is always going to be someone who is better
Speaker 1: than you, quote unquote better than you, who is doing more,
Speaker 1: who has more than you, who possesses something that you
Speaker 1: don't have but you deeply want, And that is not
Speaker 1: a reflection of your character. Not everything that other people
Speaker 1: do says something about your self or your inherent worth
Speaker 1: as a person. For every person that you admire and
Speaker 1: you may feel envious of, they also have someone that
Speaker 1: they think about in that sense as well. And I
Speaker 1: also promise you that there is someone somewhere out there
Speaker 1: who feels that way about you. We often don't think
Speaker 1: about that. We don't think that we are worthy of
Speaker 1: the admiration and maybe even the jealousy that we at
Speaker 1: times have for others. You know, the same ways that
Speaker 1: we direct those feelings to someone else we feel envious
Speaker 1: of them, is the same way that people do that
Speaker 1: for us. It's like this weird circular hierarchy where there
Speaker 1: is a constant wheel of things that people want that
Speaker 1: you might not have whilst you're looking at someone else
Speaker 1: and they're wanting what you have, And no one is
Speaker 1: ever fully satisfied in that equation. So when we insist
Speaker 1: on engaging in what is known as upward social comparison,
Speaker 1: in these moments of only ever thinking about who is
Speaker 1: doing better than us, we never truly feel grateful for
Speaker 1: what we have. Additionally, by reacting with envy in those situations,
Speaker 1: we prevent ourselves from learning from those who know or
Speaker 1: understand more than we do. So we keep ourselves in
Speaker 1: a place of self pity, of maybe resentment, and definitely
Speaker 1: stagnation because our pride would rather compare then learn. I'm
Speaker 1: going to say that one time, our pride would rather
Speaker 1: compare then learn. But when you react with joy and
Speaker 1: respect for this person, when you begin to see them
Speaker 1: as someone that you can learn from, you allow yourself
Speaker 1: to be inspired, and you allow yourself to be taught,
Speaker 1: and you actually gain more for yourself than you would
Speaker 1: have if you just sat there and had a bit
Speaker 1: of a pity party, or if you sat there and
Speaker 1: let yourself be controlled by an emotion that actually isn't
Speaker 1: allowing you to progress further. Additionally, when you feel a
Speaker 1: spike of envy, this psychologist from the UCLA Department of Psychology,
Speaker 1: she had some really good advice for this. She said,
Speaker 1: question the hell out of it before taking this source
Speaker 1: of your envy at face value. Recognize that a lot
Speaker 1: of what we see online, even in real life, is
Speaker 1: not the full truth. People want to impress other people,
Speaker 1: and that means that sometimes they conceal, they tell white lies,
Speaker 1: They try and make it seem like they're doing better
Speaker 1: than they are. You know, maybe you are really envious
Speaker 1: of the fact that a lot of the people you
Speaker 1: went to high school with or UNI with have these
Speaker 1: great careers while you're still chugging away at university. But
Speaker 1: what if the real story was, you know, these people
Speaker 1: actually haven't taken a day off for like six months,
Speaker 1: Like these people are working like seventy eighty hour weeks,
Speaker 1: and they're looking at you being like, gosh, I'm so
Speaker 1: envious that she's still at university, that he's still studying.
Speaker 1: Other people's lives are never exactly the way that they're presented,
Speaker 1: because once again, we all want to display that really
Speaker 1: carefully curated version of who we are. You know, a
Speaker 1: lot of us are really really messy. I think that's
Speaker 1: important to remember, And I think about this all the
Speaker 1: time in terms of my last relationship, when my friends
Speaker 1: would kind of be like, oh, like we want what
Speaker 1: you have and like, you guys are perfect for each other,
Speaker 1: and that was so far from the truth. That was
Speaker 1: so far from the truth. But I didn't want to
Speaker 1: tell them that. I didn't want anyone to see the
Speaker 1: whole picture. So I think the reminder here is that
Speaker 1: envy is about wanting something that someone else has, but
Speaker 1: also probably not really understanding what that fully means or
Speaker 1: not really having the full picture. Finally, like I said before,
Speaker 1: you do get to choose how you feel and if
Speaker 1: envy is part of who you are at the moment,
Speaker 1: if it's interrupting the pursuit of your goals or making
Speaker 1: you doubt your progress, maybe it's making you copy what
Speaker 1: someone else is doing, trying to be more like them.
Speaker 1: My biggest advice, and I've said it before, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: say it again, you can remove that trigger. You can
Speaker 1: unfollow the people who make you doubt yourself and your
Speaker 1: journey an ro source of envy. Go to your Instagram
Speaker 1: right now, or your TikTok or your Twitter, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: and purge it is not worth it. Trust me. At
Speaker 1: the very least, you can mute these people, and this
Speaker 1: will have the dual benefit of lessening your experience of
Speaker 1: envy so that you can manage it in a productive way,
Speaker 1: and also reducing how often you question your own path
Speaker 1: and your authenticity. You know, sometime we always want to
Speaker 1: We think that the perfect like someone else has figured
Speaker 1: out the perfect equation for our dream life. But the
Speaker 1: thing is that it's our dream life. They're living their
Speaker 1: dream life. It's gonna be different. I know. Social comparison
Speaker 1: can be so impossibly hard, especially in this decade where
Speaker 1: everyone is further along, we're in a different stage. There's
Speaker 1: so much room to feel like you are not good enough,
Speaker 1: or you need to feel envious of other successes. But
Speaker 1: as your final reminder for the day, I want you
Speaker 1: to remember that your path is completely unique and you
Speaker 1: never know when it's going to be your time. You
Speaker 1: never know when things will suddenly transform for you or switch.
Speaker 1: And the more time you spend devoting all that energy
Speaker 1: that you could spend feeling envious and instead choose to
Speaker 1: invest it in your goals, the greater the outcomes are
Speaker 1: going to be. Like genuinely like, do a physical head
Speaker 1: pivot and be like, I can spend my time looking
Speaker 1: right and left at what everyone else is doing, but
Speaker 1: I'm not spending a lot of time looking forward. If
Speaker 1: I'm doing that, I'm spending way more time seeing what
Speaker 1: other people what they think is right, and seeing what
Speaker 1: other people think is good and cool and what their
Speaker 1: successes are. That is the easiest way to get distracted
Speaker 1: from your own goals. So I really hope that you
Speaker 1: have enjoyed this episode. There is no shame around envy,
Speaker 1: and want to say that again, we all experience this.
Speaker 1: I experience this. It is so biological and evolutionary, it
Speaker 1: is so deeply imprinted in our DNA to want what
Speaker 1: others have. But hopefully this provided you with some kind
Speaker 1: of insights into why that is and some tips, hopefully
Speaker 1: some knowledge on where to go from here and how
Speaker 1: to really just be grateful and happy for what you
Speaker 1: have and the journey that you are on without needing
Speaker 1: to look at other people to validate that for you.
Speaker 1: As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free
Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,
Speaker 1: wherever you are listening right now. Thank you for putting
Speaker 1: up with my voice. I know it is still quite easily.
Speaker 1: I'm still a little bit sick, so please bear with me.
Speaker 1: It's slowly getting better. And if you have an episode suggestion,
Speaker 1: if you just want to see behind the scenes what
Speaker 1: we're doing, what we're up to, please feel free to
Speaker 1: follow me at that Psychology podcast or you can follow
Speaker 1: my personal instagram at that jemmspeg. We would love to
Speaker 1: have you back, make sure you're following, and we will
Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode on Tuesday,