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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to

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Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we break

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Speaker 1: down the Psychology of Your twenties. Recently, I've been thinking

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Speaker 1: quite a bit about envy and all the ways in

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Speaker 1: which many of us in our twenties, myself included, never

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Speaker 1: seem to be satisfied with what we have, or in

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Speaker 1: some ways in constant competition with those around us who

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Speaker 1: we perceive as being more accomplished, happier, more successful, maybe

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Speaker 1: more materially blessed. It is such a mental trap to

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Speaker 1: constantly be feeling not just inferior, but this like really

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Speaker 1: intense sense of jealousy or longing for more, and using

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Speaker 1: other people as feel for that insecurity, feeling like maybe

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Speaker 1: they haven't worked as hard as us, that you deserve

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Speaker 1: the life that they have, that it's unfair, and you

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Speaker 1: know what, I'll admit part of my fascination with this

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Speaker 1: at the moment is because I've been feeling a lot

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Speaker 1: of envy recently, envy that I think is wrongly placed

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Speaker 1: and causing me a lot of dissatisfaction. And I think

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Speaker 1: that envy is not a bad emotion if you take

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Speaker 1: time to examine it. It's also one of those emotions

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Speaker 1: that we rarely want to admit or reveal to other

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Speaker 1: people or subconsciously to ourselves. But I think it's really

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Speaker 1: important to And it's interesting because I think we can

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Speaker 1: feel and about almost anything about somebody's body, their clothes,

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Speaker 1: their social status, of someone's relationship. You know, your friend's

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Speaker 1: dream job or your coworker's promotion at work. You might

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Speaker 1: initially feel happy for them, right, but there's also that

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Speaker 1: pang of pain, as if your brain is saying, you know,

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Speaker 1: why don't we have those things? That resentment, I think

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Speaker 1: really stops us from not just appreciating what we have,

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Speaker 1: but from celebrating others. And then, on the flip side

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Speaker 1: of our experience of feeling envy is the experience of

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Speaker 1: being envied by someone else. Maybe you have one of

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Speaker 1: these friends or these people in your life. Sometimes it

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Speaker 1: can even be a parent or a family member in

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Speaker 1: some cases who sees what you have and finds you

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Speaker 1: undeserving or themselves more deserving, and they envy you for it.

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Speaker 1: They refuse to celebrate your accomplishments. They are constantly scrutinizing

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Speaker 1: and judging you, offering fake compliments or you know, I

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Speaker 1: think also attempting to compete with you as another huge

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Speaker 1: one that is also not a great feeling. And I

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Speaker 1: think it's really fascinating because all of us experience this right,

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Speaker 1: every single one of us, but we never we so

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Speaker 1: infrequently speak about it because of the shame we feel

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Speaker 1: towards what is, at the end of the day, a

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Speaker 1: very anti social emotion, a feeling that is derived primarily

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Speaker 1: from our own insecurities. And these are insecurities that we

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Speaker 1: definitely don't want to admit, you know. To admit our

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Speaker 1: envy is to admit how we truly feel about ourselves,

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Speaker 1: which is that we are lacking. Hence why someone else's

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Speaker 1: successes accomplishments have the capacity to make us feel so

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Speaker 1: terrible about ourselves. So I think that that is why

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Speaker 1: I wanted to direct our attention to this today. We

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Speaker 1: owe it to ourselves to examine, not just the origins

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Speaker 1: of our enva, but the consequences it has, the why

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Speaker 1: behind envy, and how do I guess, get to the

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Speaker 1: point where we are happy and satisfied with what we

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Speaker 1: have without needing to constantly be like someone else. I think,

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Speaker 1: without needing to constantly compare, that is true freedom. And

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Speaker 1: I think envy and the implicit comparison that comes along

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Speaker 1: with it is such a thief of our joy, especially

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Speaker 1: for those of us in our twenties, where someone else

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Speaker 1: is always going to appear like they are doing better

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Speaker 1: than you. We are all at such various different points

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Speaker 1: of our journey. Some of us are further along, some

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Speaker 1: of us might feel behind, but it's not a race.

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Speaker 1: So I think approaching that dynamic, approaching that nuance and

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Speaker 1: everyone's different trajectory, is not actually going to help us.

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Speaker 1: It's gonna harm us. It's going to make us resentful people.

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Speaker 1: It's going to make us bitter people. So I think

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Speaker 1: understanding these reactions and the influence it has on our

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Speaker 1: lives and our psychology is really important. So let's, of course,

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Speaker 1: as we always do, start with the basics. Envy is

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Speaker 1: obviously an emotion that occurs when one person wants something

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Speaker 1: that another person has, whether that thing is a material

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Speaker 1: possession or perceived success or stature. Envy to me is

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Speaker 1: one of those emotions that has never quite felt in

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Speaker 1: isolation or on its own. It's almost always associated or

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Speaker 1: consists of other elements like longing, like feelings of inferiority,

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Speaker 1: ill will towards the envied person, resentment, guilt. When a

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Speaker 1: person such as ourselves becomes envious, it is often due

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Speaker 1: to some degree of dissatisfaction with this self. In other words,

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Speaker 1: envy occurs when a person believes that having what another

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Speaker 1: person has would increase their own happiness. So this person,

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Speaker 1: this envied person, is almost like a scapegoat for them, right.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like instead of complaining or instead of looking

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Speaker 1: to myself and feeling like I'm inferior for not having that,

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna tear this other person down and find ways

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Speaker 1: in which they are undeserving in order to protect my

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Speaker 1: own ego. So that's a more psychological definition. Envy is

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Speaker 1: also commonly known as one of the seven Deadly sins.

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Speaker 1: And I want to highlight an important distinction here between

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Speaker 1: envy and jealousy, because I think they are often compared,

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Speaker 1: but also confused. They sometimes often feel the same, they

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Speaker 1: look the same, We use them interchangeably. But whilst jealousy

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Speaker 1: is defensive, it's kind of like an instinct to protect

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Speaker 1: the something that you already have, like feeling jealous of

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Speaker 1: other people looking at your partner, or jealous of other

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Speaker 1: people in the workplace because you're worried they're gonna be

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Speaker 1: promoted above you. Envy is offensive. It's resentment over what

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Speaker 1: someone else has that you like, like the progression, like

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Speaker 1: the perfect relationship, like they are with someone that you

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Speaker 1: want to be with. You envy what they have. Jealousy

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Speaker 1: is protecting what you have. So I think this emotion

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Speaker 1: is really deeply ingrained in our human psyche. It exists

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Speaker 1: in all of us, in all societies, and has so

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Speaker 1: for generations and will continue to do so. And I

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Speaker 1: think the universality of that kind of goes to show

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Speaker 1: that it may have some purpose, even if we typically

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Speaker 1: think of it as a very distasteful emotion, Because something

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Speaker 1: is reactive as envy, as maybe aggressive as envy, probably

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Speaker 1: would have been eliminated from the kind of gene pool

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Speaker 1: if it didn't serve some benefit. And we see that

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Speaker 1: in how envy develops and evolves in us as individuals.

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Speaker 1: Envy first really appears in really early stages of our development,

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Speaker 1: especially when we are quite young children. And if you've

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Speaker 1: ever been around young kids, something you hear a lot

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Speaker 1: is that everything is so unfair and that life is

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Speaker 1: not fair and it's not fair that their friend or

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Speaker 1: their sibling got the toy that they wanted, or got

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Speaker 1: the extra dessert, or got more Christmas presents. Often this

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Speaker 1: is really focused on material possessions, and you know, kids,

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Speaker 1: by nature, I would say, are very greedy, and I

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Speaker 1: think that highlights how perhaps envy is really derived from greed.

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Speaker 1: But as we get older, we learn to hide that

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Speaker 1: instinct because it's unattractive. We learn that to be greedy

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Speaker 1: is quite an ugly thing. But with children, they are

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Speaker 1: yet to develop that social inhibition, so they really kind

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Speaker 1: of reveal parts of our human nature that adults are

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Speaker 1: better at hiding that adults might not want to admit.

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Speaker 1: So when we look at envy from an evolutionary perspective,

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Speaker 1: I think that becomes a lot more. You guys know,

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Speaker 1: I love my history deep dives. I love to explore

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Speaker 1: how current emotions have their origins and some prehistoric instincts,

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Speaker 1: and I think envy is a really really good example

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Speaker 1: of this. I saw someone explain this really well in

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Speaker 1: an article. Essentially, in the past, when we were developing

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Speaker 1: as a species, a lot of the resources that we

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Speaker 1: needed to not just survive but thrive, things like food,

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Speaker 1: materials to build homes, fertile land at places that were secure.

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Speaker 1: Even the more developed we got wealth and money, those

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Speaker 1: resources were really limited, and so that created a natural

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Speaker 1: competition not just between individuals but groups of people. And

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Speaker 1: that competition is what created envy and also what created greed.

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Speaker 1: It benefited us to be more aware of what others

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Speaker 1: had and what we may have lacked in order to

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Speaker 1: motive us to get those things, in order to motivate

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Speaker 1: us to kind of collect and hoard more of those

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Speaker 1: vital resources. That has also been influenced by culture. If

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Speaker 1: you were brought up in a family or an environment

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Speaker 1: that placed a really huge emphasis on success and therefore

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Speaker 1: subsequently competing with others, you are more prone to feeling envious.

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Speaker 1: Just as a basis of your upbringing, You're more prone

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Speaker 1: to feeling like you're falling behind, maybe feeling insecure about

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Speaker 1: your achievements, and therefore projecting that emotion onto others. That

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Speaker 1: is reflected in what psychologists have proposed other conditions of envy.

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Speaker 1: There are three of these. Firstly, the person we envy

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Speaker 1: is normally someone who we feel related to in some way.

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Speaker 1: For example, they are a friend, they are a family member,

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Speaker 1: they are an acquaintance, or in the case of people

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Speaker 1: that we see online or on social media, they have

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Speaker 1: to be individuals who we feel somewhat similar to in

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Speaker 1: terms of things like age, gender, ethnicity, certain personal characteristics.

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Speaker 1: For example, we are much more likely to envy the

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Speaker 1: wealth and privilege of someone like Bella Hadid or Taylor

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Speaker 1: Swift if you are a woman in your twenties compared

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Speaker 1: to a billionaire like Bill Gates or Rupert Murdock, because

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Speaker 1: we feel like we already share some of the same

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Speaker 1: qualities as people like Bella or Taylor. Yes, we may

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Speaker 1: not be mega famous, we may not be millionaires, but

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Speaker 1: we do feel similar to them in terms of our

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Speaker 1: certain personal characteristics, and so they become a good point

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Speaker 1: of comparison for what we are maybe lacking or missing

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Speaker 1: out on. So that really links to this point. Envy

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Speaker 1: is essentially derived from social comparison. It develops when we

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Speaker 1: instinctively compare ourselves to others, often once again those people

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Speaker 1: who are most like us, but also those who we

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Speaker 1: find ourselves to be inferior to. And although this process

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Speaker 1: is a natural one, I think it's also been deeply

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Speaker 1: exacerbated by recent technological advancements like social media. We now

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Speaker 1: constantly see the achievements and positive life experiences of everyone

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Speaker 1: we know and everyone we don't know on platforms like

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Speaker 1: Instagram or even LinkedIn for my professional listeners. And when

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Speaker 1: we are bombarded with this, when we are constantly seeing

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Speaker 1: I hate the term highlight reel, but that's really what

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Speaker 1: it is, a highlight reel, we start to feel envious

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Speaker 1: because we know our life as a series of not

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Speaker 1: just achievements but also imperfections. But we don't see other

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Speaker 1: people's lives like that because they don't give us the

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Speaker 1: option to view them in that way. They're not going

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Speaker 1: to post on their LinkedIn or on their Instagram. I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 1: had a really tough conversation with my boss today, might

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Speaker 1: be getting fired, or like me and my boyfriend broke up.

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Speaker 1: I feel like normal ever love me. Like they're not

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Speaker 1: posting that, they're posting the things that are going to

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Speaker 1: make them look good. But yet we wonder why we

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Speaker 1: are not like that perfect version, why we are not

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Speaker 1: as experienced or as successful, or we don't look like them,

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Speaker 1: but we're not as happy as them, because that is

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Speaker 1: constantly presented to us front and center everywhere we look.

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Speaker 1: The second condition of envy is that we can really

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Speaker 1: only envy what we desire. I know that sounds fairly obvious,

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Speaker 1: but obviously we cannot envy someone's bad luck. We cannot

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Speaker 1: envy someone's shortcomings or misgivings. That's because envy is, once again,

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Speaker 1: at the end of the day, about what we lack.

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Speaker 1: We are the ones with the perceived bad luck or

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Speaker 1: the shortcomings or the deficits. So we don't envy this

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Speaker 1: other person simply because of what they have. We envy

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Speaker 1: them because we don't have it, and we adopt the

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Speaker 1: attitude that this one quality or one possession or one

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Speaker 1: privilege is what is going to make our lives better.

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Speaker 1: That is really important to remember. The pain of envy

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Speaker 1: is caused not just by the desire for the advantages

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Speaker 1: of others per se, but our feelings of inferiority and

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Speaker 1: frustration that is mirrored back to us by someone else's success,

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Speaker 1: and it's that insecurity that makes envy such an emotionally

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Speaker 1: painful experience. At times. I think about this a lot,

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Speaker 1: in the sense of the people that we can't help

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Speaker 1: but dislike on social media, even if we've never met them.

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Speaker 1: Social media influencers, creators, whatever. These are the people that

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Speaker 1: we might quote unquote hate follow, And that's a term

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Speaker 1: I actually learned the other day. It's this case where

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Speaker 1: we know that their content is going to make us

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Speaker 1: fe feel bad about ourselves. It's going to elicit envy,

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Speaker 1: but we can't help but keep watching and observing. They

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Speaker 1: appear to live perfect lives. They have everything we wanted,

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Speaker 1: maybe the dream job, the curated outfits, the overseas trips,

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Speaker 1: the friendship circle. Instead of admiring them for it, it

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Speaker 1: makes us so insecure that we can't help but be

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Speaker 1: reactive and judge them. And it's interesting because envy of

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Speaker 1: this sort really disguises itself because we know that it's

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Speaker 1: not socially acceptable to outright say I actually really don't

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Speaker 1: like this person, and I have no good reason for

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Speaker 1: it other than that I resent their success. You know,

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Speaker 1: we cannot say that because people are gonna look at

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Speaker 1: us funny and be like, what is their deal? So

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Speaker 1: instead it gives rise to a lot more subtle defensive

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Speaker 1: reactions like character defamation, sarcasm, snobbery, nitpicking, trying to find

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Speaker 1: some flaw or reason that we or others perhaps shouldn't

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Speaker 1: admire this person. We see that with online personas once again,

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Speaker 1: or the time where we implicitly kind of impose some

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Speaker 1: sort of moral high horse, like you know, yes, sure,

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Speaker 1: sure that person has a million dollars and people think

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Speaker 1: they're great, but at least I wasn't handed everything in life,

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Speaker 1: or yeah, sure they have a private jet, but that

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Speaker 1: is so bad for the environment, and at least I'm sustainable.

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Speaker 1: Anything to simultaneously justify our envy, our dislike whilst also

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Speaker 1: protecting our character. So concluding that someone isn't deserving is

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Speaker 1: one of the ways that we do that. I see

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Speaker 1: that all the time, And you know what, sometimes that

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Speaker 1: might be fair, That might be fair, this person might

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Speaker 1: be like an EPO baby or whatnot, But it doesn't

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Speaker 1: eliminate the fact that at the end of the day,

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Speaker 1: you are still the one who was reacting from a

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Speaker 1: place of insecurity. You secretly still want what they have,

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Speaker 1: even if at the same time you're telling yourself that

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Speaker 1: it's a problem. I think envy is intriguing in that way,

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Speaker 1: because when we see something that we desire, that we

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Speaker 1: believe we should be entitled to, we often don't consider

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Speaker 1: the full picture. We don't consider the effort that may

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Speaker 1: have gone into creating that dream life, or the sacrifices,

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Speaker 1: or maybe even the downsides. It's so one dimensional to us.

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Speaker 1: Often our envy convinces us that everything someone else has,

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Speaker 1: everything that we want, that they have, has come to

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Speaker 1: them purely by chance, and that it was luck. And

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Speaker 1: maybe in some ways that is true when we think

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Speaker 1: about obviously nepotism was one I said before, or generational wealth,

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Speaker 1: but in many ways it's a lot more complex than that.

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Speaker 1: But by blinding us to that, by blinding us to

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Speaker 1: the fact that this person actually maybe did give a

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Speaker 1: whole lot more than we can see for that life,

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Speaker 1: it allows our envy to become self sustaining, and it

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Speaker 1: feels justified. And when that envy is justified, it's chronic,

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Speaker 1: and it leads to a pretty unhappy life, to constantly

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Speaker 1: feel less, to feel like others have more, to feel

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Speaker 1: dissatisfied and in a state of comparison or competition is

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Speaker 1: a really dark place to be in, and it has

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Speaker 1: a lot of secondary consequences for our relationships, not just

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Speaker 1: with others, but our relationship with ourself and with our

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Speaker 1: own sense of self worth. So I think it's incredibly

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Speaker 1: important to explore how we can kind of befriend out

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Speaker 1: that green eyed monster. We have to make friends with it,

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Speaker 1: and we have to stop comparing ourselves to others. I

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Speaker 1: know that is easier said than done, but I'm going

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Speaker 1: to give you some tips for doing just that, and

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about it a lot more after

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Speaker 1: this shortbreak. Envying others is not going to give you

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Speaker 1: what they have. It will not help you get any

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Speaker 1: closer to your goals or your dreams. Unfortunately, it's not

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Speaker 1: going to make you happier. Your envy is also not

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Speaker 1: going to hurt that person who's success you really long for,

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Speaker 1: and it's certainly not going to make you many friends.

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Speaker 1: I think envy and with that competition is such an

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Speaker 1: insidious feeling because we may feel like we're doing something

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Speaker 1: about our fears and insecurities by reflecting them onto the

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Speaker 1: other person, but it also normally manifests and behaviors that

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Speaker 1: self sabotage. That sabotage not just our own efforts, but

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Speaker 1: also the relationships we have with other people. Where we

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Speaker 1: begin to express resentment, we tear them down, sometimes without

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Speaker 1: even realizing it. That's the important thing, you know. I

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Speaker 1: don't think anyone wants to be an envious person. It's

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Speaker 1: just that it has a strange influence on how we

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Speaker 1: see ourselves and therefore how we treat others. I think

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Speaker 1: that's the part of it. It's often is so out

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Speaker 1: of our control, probably because it does originate in a

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Speaker 1: lot of self doubt and limiting beliefs which are not

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Speaker 1: always operating at the front of our mind because of

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Speaker 1: the fact that they are too painful to acknowledge. You know,

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Speaker 1: feeling inadequate is not something that our brain wants to

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Speaker 1: constantly remind us of. Instead, it will compare and use

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Speaker 1: that as kind of a proxy. It's a knee jerk

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Speaker 1: reaction to not feeling that we are good enough. So

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Speaker 1: how are we you and I going to stop feeling

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Speaker 1: envious and better? Yet, how are we actually going to

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Speaker 1: project gratitude and joy for what we have? Regardless of

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Speaker 1: whether someone else happens to have more. Envy is kind

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Speaker 1: of a question of attitude, and it's an attitude a

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Speaker 1: mindset that is a natural opposite to grettitude and generosity.

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Speaker 1: When we come across someone who is better or more

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Speaker 1: successful than we are and we experience that typical pay

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Speaker 1: we get to choose whether we are going to react

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Speaker 1: from a place of comparison and inferiority or respond with

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Speaker 1: genuine happiness for the other person and kind of a

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Speaker 1: mutual gratitude for what we have, relying on our empathy

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Speaker 1: in those moments, Sometimes when I feel like I need

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Speaker 1: to compare, instead, I try and ask myself the following questions.

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Speaker 1: If this was me, how would I like to be

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Speaker 1: celebrated for my successes? How can I make this person

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Speaker 1: feel really amazing about themselves? And then I also try

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Speaker 1: and be like, what has led this person to this moment?

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Speaker 1: What has given them their success? I had this realization

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Speaker 1: the other day, and maybe it's not mind blowing for you,

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Speaker 1: maybe I'm late to the party, but I realized that

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Speaker 1: I really do get to choose how I feel. I

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Speaker 1: am in charge of my own emotions and how they

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Speaker 1: impact my behavior, and for a long time, I was like, envy,

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Speaker 1: is this uncontrollable little devil that I have no saying.

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Speaker 1: It just comes about every now and again, and I

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Speaker 1: just have to live with it. I think in those

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Speaker 1: moments when I was experiencing envy and making myself feel bad,

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Speaker 1: I decided that I can reverse that feeling by talking

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Speaker 1: to my envy, talking to myself almost as a third party,

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Speaker 1: almost having like a solo pep talk or advice session

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Speaker 1: where I speak to my ego, the part of me

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Speaker 1: that feels hurt, almost like a child. And it feels

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Speaker 1: embarrassing to say it out loud, but I started doing

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Speaker 1: this thing where I was basically like, Gemma, is this

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Speaker 1: really benefiting you right now? Is this making you feel better? No?

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Speaker 1: So why are you allowing yourself to have this thought?

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Speaker 1: You can replace that with a better thought. You can

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Speaker 1: replace it by choosing to focus on what you do have.

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Speaker 1: And I think this is basically a form of mindfulness

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Speaker 1: whereby we pay attention, full attention to what is going

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Speaker 1: on within us and also outside of you, without judgment.

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Speaker 1: You pay attention to what is triggering you, what is

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Speaker 1: creating this feeling, whilst also not needing to be invested

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Speaker 1: in it. You know, you can feel envy without needing

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Speaker 1: to respond, and instead pause, make a mental list of

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Speaker 1: all the ways that you are fulfilled, that you are secure,

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Speaker 1: that you have a lot more than other people do.

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Speaker 1: Remember this, please, please remember this. If you remember only

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Speaker 1: one thing from this episode, you are not an envious

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Speaker 1: or bad person just because you experience envy. No emotion

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Speaker 1: is inherently bad or evil. They all have a place,

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Speaker 1: and I think envy's purpose in this sense is to

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Speaker 1: serve as a reminder of what you actually aspire for,

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Speaker 1: because you wouldn't be jealous of this person if you

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Speaker 1: didn't implicitly desire what they had created for themselves. So

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Speaker 1: let it serve as a reminder of your goals and

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Speaker 1: your vision for your life. You know one of your

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Speaker 1: friends has just bought their first home, has their dream relationship,

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Speaker 1: is getting their PhD. It's just like killing it. You

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Speaker 1: want that. That's why you're envious, so make it happen. Also,

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Speaker 1: there is always going to be someone who is better

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Speaker 1: than you, quote unquote better than you, who is doing more,

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Speaker 1: who has more than you, who possesses something that you

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Speaker 1: don't have but you deeply want, And that is not

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Speaker 1: a reflection of your character. Not everything that other people

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Speaker 1: do says something about your self or your inherent worth

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Speaker 1: as a person. For every person that you admire and

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Speaker 1: you may feel envious of, they also have someone that

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Speaker 1: they think about in that sense as well. And I

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Speaker 1: also promise you that there is someone somewhere out there

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Speaker 1: who feels that way about you. We often don't think

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Speaker 1: about that. We don't think that we are worthy of

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Speaker 1: the admiration and maybe even the jealousy that we at

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Speaker 1: times have for others. You know, the same ways that

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Speaker 1: we direct those feelings to someone else we feel envious

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Speaker 1: of them, is the same way that people do that

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Speaker 1: for us. It's like this weird circular hierarchy where there

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Speaker 1: is a constant wheel of things that people want that

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Speaker 1: you might not have whilst you're looking at someone else

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Speaker 1: and they're wanting what you have, And no one is

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Speaker 1: ever fully satisfied in that equation. So when we insist

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Speaker 1: on engaging in what is known as upward social comparison,

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Speaker 1: in these moments of only ever thinking about who is

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Speaker 1: doing better than us, we never truly feel grateful for

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Speaker 1: what we have. Additionally, by reacting with envy in those situations,

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Speaker 1: we prevent ourselves from learning from those who know or

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Speaker 1: understand more than we do. So we keep ourselves in

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Speaker 1: a place of self pity, of maybe resentment, and definitely

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Speaker 1: stagnation because our pride would rather compare then learn. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to say that one time, our pride would rather

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Speaker 1: compare then learn. But when you react with joy and

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Speaker 1: respect for this person, when you begin to see them

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Speaker 1: as someone that you can learn from, you allow yourself

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Speaker 1: to be inspired, and you allow yourself to be taught,

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Speaker 1: and you actually gain more for yourself than you would

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Speaker 1: have if you just sat there and had a bit

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Speaker 1: of a pity party, or if you sat there and

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Speaker 1: let yourself be controlled by an emotion that actually isn't

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Speaker 1: allowing you to progress further. Additionally, when you feel a

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Speaker 1: spike of envy, this psychologist from the UCLA Department of Psychology,

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Speaker 1: she had some really good advice for this. She said,

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Speaker 1: question the hell out of it before taking this source

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Speaker 1: of your envy at face value. Recognize that a lot

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Speaker 1: of what we see online, even in real life, is

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00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:26,080
Speaker 1: not the full truth. People want to impress other people,

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Speaker 1: and that means that sometimes they conceal, they tell white lies,

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Speaker 1: They try and make it seem like they're doing better

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Speaker 1: than they are. You know, maybe you are really envious

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Speaker 1: of the fact that a lot of the people you

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00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:41,120
Speaker 1: went to high school with or UNI with have these

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Speaker 1: great careers while you're still chugging away at university. But

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Speaker 1: what if the real story was, you know, these people

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Speaker 1: actually haven't taken a day off for like six months,

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Speaker 1: Like these people are working like seventy eighty hour weeks,

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00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:56,919
Speaker 1: and they're looking at you being like, gosh, I'm so

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Speaker 1: envious that she's still at university, that he's still studying.

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00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:06,639
Speaker 1: Other people's lives are never exactly the way that they're presented,

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00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,520
Speaker 1: because once again, we all want to display that really

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00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:15,800
Speaker 1: carefully curated version of who we are. You know, a

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Speaker 1: lot of us are really really messy. I think that's

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00:28:18,119 --> 00:28:20,840
Speaker 1: important to remember, And I think about this all the

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00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:24,320
Speaker 1: time in terms of my last relationship, when my friends

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00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,159
Speaker 1: would kind of be like, oh, like we want what

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00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:29,240
Speaker 1: you have and like, you guys are perfect for each other,

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00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,159
Speaker 1: and that was so far from the truth. That was

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00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: so far from the truth. But I didn't want to

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00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,440
Speaker 1: tell them that. I didn't want anyone to see the

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Speaker 1: whole picture. So I think the reminder here is that

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00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 1: envy is about wanting something that someone else has, but

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00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:51,600
Speaker 1: also probably not really understanding what that fully means or

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00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:55,200
Speaker 1: not really having the full picture. Finally, like I said before,

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00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 1: you do get to choose how you feel and if

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00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,320
Speaker 1: envy is part of who you are at the moment,

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00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:06,000
Speaker 1: if it's interrupting the pursuit of your goals or making

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00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:11,920
Speaker 1: you doubt your progress, maybe it's making you copy what

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00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:15,520
Speaker 1: someone else is doing, trying to be more like them.

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Speaker 1: My biggest advice, and I've said it before, I'm gonna

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00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 1: say it again, you can remove that trigger. You can

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00:29:24,640 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 1: unfollow the people who make you doubt yourself and your

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00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:32,240
Speaker 1: journey an ro source of envy. Go to your Instagram

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00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:35,959
Speaker 1: right now, or your TikTok or your Twitter, whatever it is,

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00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,960
Speaker 1: and purge it is not worth it. Trust me. At

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00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,920
Speaker 1: the very least, you can mute these people, and this

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00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:47,400
Speaker 1: will have the dual benefit of lessening your experience of

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00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:51,400
Speaker 1: envy so that you can manage it in a productive way,

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00:29:52,080 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 1: and also reducing how often you question your own path

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00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,960
Speaker 1: and your authenticity. You know, sometime we always want to

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Speaker 1: We think that the perfect like someone else has figured

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00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:06,480
Speaker 1: out the perfect equation for our dream life. But the

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00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:08,800
Speaker 1: thing is that it's our dream life. They're living their

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00:30:08,840 --> 00:30:12,280
Speaker 1: dream life. It's gonna be different. I know. Social comparison

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00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 1: can be so impossibly hard, especially in this decade where

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00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,120
Speaker 1: everyone is further along, we're in a different stage. There's

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00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,520
Speaker 1: so much room to feel like you are not good enough,

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00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 1: or you need to feel envious of other successes. But

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Speaker 1: as your final reminder for the day, I want you

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Speaker 1: to remember that your path is completely unique and you

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00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,320
Speaker 1: never know when it's going to be your time. You

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00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: never know when things will suddenly transform for you or switch.

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00:30:42,320 --> 00:30:45,400
Speaker 1: And the more time you spend devoting all that energy

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00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:49,080
Speaker 1: that you could spend feeling envious and instead choose to

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00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 1: invest it in your goals, the greater the outcomes are

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00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:56,920
Speaker 1: going to be. Like genuinely like, do a physical head

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00:30:56,960 --> 00:31:00,120
Speaker 1: pivot and be like, I can spend my time looking

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00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,760
Speaker 1: right and left at what everyone else is doing, but

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00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:04,920
Speaker 1: I'm not spending a lot of time looking forward. If

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00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:08,560
Speaker 1: I'm doing that, I'm spending way more time seeing what

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00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:12,080
Speaker 1: other people what they think is right, and seeing what

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00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 1: other people think is good and cool and what their

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00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: successes are. That is the easiest way to get distracted

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00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:22,440
Speaker 1: from your own goals. So I really hope that you

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Speaker 1: have enjoyed this episode. There is no shame around envy,

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00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:28,560
Speaker 1: and want to say that again, we all experience this.

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00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:34,040
Speaker 1: I experience this. It is so biological and evolutionary, it

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00:31:34,120 --> 00:31:37,480
Speaker 1: is so deeply imprinted in our DNA to want what

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00:31:37,520 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: others have. But hopefully this provided you with some kind

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00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: of insights into why that is and some tips, hopefully

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00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:49,440
Speaker 1: some knowledge on where to go from here and how

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00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:52,120
Speaker 1: to really just be grateful and happy for what you

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00:31:52,280 --> 00:31:56,000
Speaker 1: have and the journey that you are on without needing

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Speaker 1: to look at other people to validate that for you.

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Speaker 1: As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free

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00:32:04,520 --> 00:32:08,040
Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify,

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00:32:08,160 --> 00:32:11,000
Speaker 1: wherever you are listening right now. Thank you for putting

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00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,960
Speaker 1: up with my voice. I know it is still quite easily.

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00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 1: I'm still a little bit sick, so please bear with me.

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00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:21,680
Speaker 1: It's slowly getting better. And if you have an episode suggestion,

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00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:23,800
Speaker 1: if you just want to see behind the scenes what

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00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:26,640
Speaker 1: we're doing, what we're up to, please feel free to

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00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:30,480
Speaker 1: follow me at that Psychology podcast or you can follow

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00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 1: my personal instagram at that jemmspeg. We would love to

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00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,680
Speaker 1: have you back, make sure you're following, and we will

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Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode on Tuesday,