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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I've been very open about the

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Speaker 1: fact that I was not always good at making my

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Speaker 1: relationships work. I have been divorced three times, twice from

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Speaker 1: the same person. In other words, I have seen a

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Speaker 1: lot and failed a lot in my relationships. So I

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Speaker 1: am here to share with you what I learned along

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Speaker 1: the way, because I did take copious notes. Welcome to

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Speaker 1: the r Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership

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Speaker 1: with iHeartRadio. I think one of the most challenging questions

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Speaker 1: women have at a certain age is why can't I

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Speaker 1: find somebody to love me? And particularly in that twenty

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Speaker 1: age group twenty to twenty nine, even nineteen to twenty

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Speaker 1: nineteen to twenty nine, yeah, that ten year span. They

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Speaker 1: want to be chosen. They want to be the one

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Speaker 1: that gets picked. They want to be the one that

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Speaker 1: somebody chooses because their dream is to be connected. Their

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Speaker 1: dream is for companionship, for joy. They want to know

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Speaker 1: the power of a commitment. But if those women are

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Speaker 1: bringing in their mother's unhealed business, their mother's unhealed issues,

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Speaker 1: which they do, which we do, what we're born into,

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Speaker 1: what we're born from, what we're born with, matters, And

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Speaker 1: what we don't understand is wherever our mother was when

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Speaker 1: she got pregnant with us, how she got pregnant with us,

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Speaker 1: how she lived throughout the pregnancy, how she felt, how

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Speaker 1: she thought. That's what we're born from, that's what we're

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Speaker 1: born with, and that's what we're born into, and we

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Speaker 1: may have to spend those first twenty twenty nine years

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Speaker 1: cleaning up what we inherited. We don't understand that, and

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Speaker 1: we try to boil it down to why doesn't anybody

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Speaker 1: want me? And it's just it's a bigger question. It's

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Speaker 1: a bigger question, and my caller this morning has some

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Speaker 1: really really big questions. Take a listen, Greetings, we love it,

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Speaker 1: and welcome to the R Spot. What is your relationship challenge,

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Speaker 1: issue dilemma that we can dive into today.

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Speaker 2: Well, first of all, Wow, what an honor and a

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Speaker 2: privilege it is to speak to you. I'm calling you

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Speaker 2: in because I'm twenty eight right now, going on twenty nine,

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Speaker 2: and in my single season of my life, and I'm

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Speaker 2: not happy about it. It's actually something that brings me

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Speaker 2: great pain and I cry over it at night. It

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Speaker 2: frustrates me, and I'm trying to connect the dots as

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Speaker 2: to why this is causing so much devastation on me emotionally,

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Speaker 2: because I feel like I have everything that I need

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Speaker 2: to be at peace with myself in the season, Like

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Speaker 2: I have wonderful, amazing, loving friends. I'm a woman of faith.

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Speaker 2: I go to church every Sunday, I read the Word

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Speaker 2: every day. I'm also in therapy, and I still feel

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Speaker 2: like I'm doing everything that I can and it still

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Speaker 2: isn't enough. And I'm already feeling like pressureus from you know, family,

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Speaker 2: to you know, why haven't you found a man yet yet?

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Speaker 2: You're almost twenty nine. It's time to start settling down

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Speaker 2: and working your way like towards that you know, the

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Speaker 2: future of having a family, and which is something that

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Speaker 2: I want as well. So I just want to ask you, like,

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Speaker 2: what can I do internally to clean up whatever it

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Speaker 2: is inside of me that is preventing me from being

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Speaker 2: at peace and happy in the season of my life

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Speaker 2: and just move forward.

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Speaker 1: Wow, that's a lot being at peace and happiness. So

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Speaker 1: that would say to me that you're not at peace

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Speaker 1: and you're not happy. I'm It's very interesting because you

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Speaker 1: are in the cycle of life that we call the

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Speaker 1: bride cycle, which really runs from twenty twenty to twenty nine,

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Speaker 1: and the bride cycle is when you're moving from being

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Speaker 1: just a girlfriend into just to being a bride, a wife,

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Speaker 1: really a bride, and there's a distinction between being a

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Speaker 1: bride and a wife. The bride just wants to be chosen.

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Speaker 1: She wants to be the one that's picked and chosen

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Speaker 1: from among all the other The bride isn't really focused

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Speaker 1: on or thinking about what it means to be a wife.

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Speaker 1: She's focused on the connection. She's focused on the wedding,

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Speaker 1: she's focused on the companionship. So that's the cycle you're

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Speaker 1: in age twenty to twenty nine when you want to

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Speaker 1: be receptive to love, when you want to be in

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Speaker 1: a committed relationship, and the ritual that the bride has

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Speaker 1: to do really it's prayer. Prayer for the right companion,

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Speaker 1: prayer for the strength to be a wife and be

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Speaker 1: a mother. You're moving into that thirty to thirty nine

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Speaker 1: year cycle when motherhood and wifehood those things happen. So

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Speaker 1: you're a right where you need to be wanting a

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Speaker 1: companion warning a relationship, but the question is do you

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Speaker 1: want it for the right reasons? Do you want it?

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Speaker 1: Because you're really ready to integrate and your life, give

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Speaker 1: up your freedom as a single woman, and begin to

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Speaker 1: make joint decisions with the right person. So on one hand,

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Speaker 1: you're exactly where you need to be, and this is

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Speaker 1: a time for you really to get clear. What I'm

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Speaker 1: more interested in is why you're not at peace or

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Speaker 1: have happiness being with yourself. That's number one. And number two,

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Speaker 1: you said, you pray, you go to church, you read

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Speaker 1: the word, and why aren't you getting what you want?

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Speaker 1: You don't go to church to get what you want.

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Speaker 1: You don't read the Word to get what you want.

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Speaker 1: You don't do those things to get what you want.

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Speaker 1: You do those things to build your relationship with God.

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Speaker 1: So if you have a transactional relationship with God, because

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Speaker 1: that's what it is, if you going to church, reading

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Speaker 1: the word and being the right person and doing the

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Speaker 1: right things to get something in return, that's transactional. So

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Speaker 1: where else are you in transactional relationships?

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Speaker 2: Wow, that's kind of hard for me to identify. But immediately,

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Speaker 2: just whatever whatever came to my mind just in this instant,

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Speaker 2: was I would say with my mother, our relationship at

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Speaker 2: this point is definitely transactional, and I feel like it's

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Speaker 2: transactional because that's that's the only way that it can

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Speaker 2: operate in order for us to even have some sort

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Speaker 2: of connection with each other. Like we don't have a

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Speaker 2: good relationship at the moment. It's been very unstable and

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Speaker 2: dysfunctional for as long as I can remember, and I

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Speaker 2: find myself constantly being in the pursuant role in terms

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Speaker 2: of like initiating conversation, you know, initiating like quality time

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Speaker 2: like spent together, and it's it's very frustrating, but I

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Speaker 2: could say that for certain, that's the number one transactional

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Speaker 2: relationship of my life right now.

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Speaker 1: So you want to become a wife and a mother

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Speaker 1: when your relationship with your mother is not working, So

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Speaker 1: what will be your model.

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Speaker 2: Right, I honestly don't know. Even when it comes to

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Speaker 2: romantic relationships. I don't have a positive model of that either,

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Speaker 2: because my father, you know, he took his life before

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Speaker 2: it was born, like in front of my mother. She was,

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Speaker 2: you know, very depressed for a very long time for

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Speaker 2: the first I would say, like ten to twelve years

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Speaker 2: of my life. And that also contributed to why you

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Speaker 2: weren't able to have a connection So I've never seen

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Speaker 2: a healthy relationship between you know, a man and a

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Speaker 2: woman in general, especially because of my situation with my parents.

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Speaker 2: So I feel like I'm just now, as an adult,

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Speaker 2: like trying to identify what that looks like for me.

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Speaker 1: And maybe that's that's why it hasn't shown up yet.

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Speaker 1: Maybe life, the universe, the Divine Mother, whatever you want

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Speaker 1: to call it, God, Christ, maybe they're giving you an

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Speaker 1: opportunity to clarify your vision about what a relationship is

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Speaker 1: before you get plumped down into one.

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Speaker 2: Oh No, I've been in dead and dead end after relationship,

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Speaker 2: like all of them just has not worked. I mean,

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Speaker 2: I'm grateful for those experiences, but every relationship's ever been

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Speaker 2: in has just been dead end after dead end, and

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Speaker 2: over time, I try to remain optimistic about, you know,

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Speaker 2: being eventually aligned with someone who will love me and

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Speaker 2: respect me, but it's starting to affect like my ability

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Speaker 2: to have hope and have faith that I'm going to

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Speaker 2: get to that point because of all of the back

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Speaker 2: to back of misalignments and rejections.

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Speaker 1: Well, because you're looking out and not looking in, I

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Speaker 1: want to point out something to you that's in your

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Speaker 1: speaking that reveals what's in your consciousness? Okay, okay, you

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Speaker 1: said my father took his own life in front of

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Speaker 1: my mother. Is that not a dead end?

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Speaker 2: It is?

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Speaker 1: Oh, take a breath. And then you say, every relationship

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Speaker 1: that I've been in comes to a dead end. So

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Speaker 1: did I hear you accurately when you said before you

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Speaker 1: were born? This happened between your father and your mother when.

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Speaker 2: She was nine months pregnant with me.

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Speaker 1: So that pattern, that pathology of dead end relationships was

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Speaker 1: born with you. You came in with it, your mother

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Speaker 1: saw it, she felt it. Who knows what she went through.

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Speaker 1: She nursed you on it, she fed you on it,

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Speaker 1: she raised you in it. And now here you are

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Speaker 1: living the pathology that you were born with. So there's

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong with you wanting it. There's nothing wrong with

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Speaker 1: you having as Again, you're in the bride cycle twenty

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Speaker 1: to twenty nine. That's what women twenty to twenty nine

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Speaker 1: focus on. That's what they want a companion. But we've

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Speaker 1: got to create a new vision for you because the

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Speaker 1: one that you have is dead end.

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Speaker 2: Say that again, it's just absolutely truth.

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Speaker 1: Okay, we'll talk more about it when we come back.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the R Spot. Let's get back to

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Speaker 1: the conversation. We have to create a new vision for

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Speaker 1: you because despite the fact that you want this in

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Speaker 1: your mind and you see it and you desire it,

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Speaker 1: the vision that you have of it, the vision that

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Speaker 1: you brought in about relationships is dead end. It ends

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Speaker 1: at death and ends with death. It dies. Yeah, So

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Speaker 1: we have to create a new vision for you to

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Speaker 1: have a relationship that brings you the companionship, the joy,

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Speaker 1: the acceptance, the cooperation that you want. But do you

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Speaker 1: have to have a vision for that because the one

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Speaker 1: that you're currently living is that relationships come to a

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Speaker 1: dead end.

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Speaker 2: Well, I'm not entirely sure at this point. Like what

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Speaker 2: more I can do to flesh out that vision? Because

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Speaker 2: I've asked, like.

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Speaker 1: You care, you can't do you can't do anything. You

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Speaker 1: have to be it. You have to be receptive, you

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Speaker 1: have to be a companion, You have to be committed,

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Speaker 1: You have to be willing to cooperate. You can't do

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Speaker 1: anything doing as outside and as opposed to do have B.

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Speaker 1: Let me do the right thing so I can have

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Speaker 1: a relationship and then I will be happy. Do have B.

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Speaker 1: You want to be be Let me be open, be committed,

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Speaker 1: be a companion first to myself, then to my creator

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Speaker 1: so that I can have that. At the physical level,

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Speaker 1: you want to be the thing so that you will

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Speaker 1: have the thing that you want in order to I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: be the thing and do the things that are required

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Speaker 1: to keep it alive so that you can have the thing.

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Speaker 1: So you've got to be happy first. You've got to

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Speaker 1: be peaceful first. So instead of the do have B model,

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Speaker 1: you want to be have do mind and right now

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Speaker 1: you're doing so you can be and have you got

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Speaker 1: it backwards, So the question becomes, how do I be happy?

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Speaker 1: How do I be peaceful? How do I be joyful?

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Speaker 1: Because if you want to be in relationships so that

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Speaker 1: you're not alone, so that you're not unhappy, so that

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Speaker 1: you're not unpeaceful, you're going to create another transactional relationship.

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Speaker 1: Let me have you so I can be happy, Let

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Speaker 1: me have you so that I can be at peace.

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Speaker 1: Let me have you so I can be a mother.

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Speaker 2: No, I don't know. I guess we're our struggles that

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Speaker 2: even in my current situation right now that I've been

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Speaker 2: celibate for several months now, I haven't really been dating.

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Speaker 2: And the last person that I was dating. We were

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Speaker 2: dating for three months. You were in you know, a situationship,

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Speaker 2: and I was so devastated when that situationship came to

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Speaker 2: a close, ultimately because I wanted to commitment and he

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Speaker 2: wasn't ready to commit. But I felt like, wow, this

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Speaker 2: is the first time where I feel like, you know, intellectually, physically, sexually,

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Speaker 2: like I'm just attracted to this person on multiple levels.

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Speaker 2: And in my past relationships there was always one of

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Speaker 2: those elements that were missing where you know, there's a

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Speaker 2: great sexual, physical connection, but I can't talk to you

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Speaker 2: about anything of substance or death or you know, vice versa,

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Speaker 2: where we can talk about like you know, politics and

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Speaker 2: the stars and astrology, anything under the sun. There's a great,

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Speaker 2: you know connection there mentally and intellectually, but you know,

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Speaker 2: when there's the sexual connection, you know, I'm it's splatlining.

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Speaker 2: I'm bored. So I felt like, wow, this is the

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Speaker 2: first person I ever met that that checked eighty percent

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Speaker 2: of my boxes with the exception of commitment. And then

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Speaker 2: ever since that situation, I've just been encountering other men

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Speaker 2: even where the connection isn't I'm strong, but when it

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Speaker 2: comes to the commitment, they're not willing to meet me where.

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Speaker 1: I'm at dead and dead end.

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Speaker 2: You're right.

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Speaker 1: The question becomes, how do I be okay with myself?

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Speaker 1: How do I be at peace with myself? And then

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Speaker 1: and then I can invite someone in or receive someone

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Speaker 1: that increases my peace, my joy, my happiness. But as

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Speaker 1: long as you're functioning in the same paradigm of I've

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Speaker 1: got to be in a relationship to be happy, or

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Speaker 1: a relationship makes me happier, or I've got to be

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Speaker 1: committed or whatever it is, as long what do I

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Speaker 1: do to make that happen? As long as you're in

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Speaker 1: that paradigm, you're not going to attract the very thing

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Speaker 1: you say you want.

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Speaker 2: I hear you. I have a lot of work to do.

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Speaker 1: Well, not necessarily, not necessarily a lot of work to do.

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Speaker 1: There you go more doing the psychic Yeah, well, I

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Speaker 1: mean you've got a divine opportunity here. I want to

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Speaker 1: support you in the shifting of your consciousness. And then,

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Speaker 1: how do you be okay with the way your relationship

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Speaker 1: is with your mom without believing you have to do

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Speaker 1: something to make it better? How do you just be okay?

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Speaker 1: My mom is a woman who was pregnant by a

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Speaker 1: man who took his life in front of her, how selfish,

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Speaker 1: how angry? And what has that done to her heart?

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Speaker 1: And was she not able to give me? And how

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Speaker 1: can I give it to myself now?

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Speaker 2: I don't know, Yalla. I feel like I've exhausted all

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Speaker 2: of my options with my mother, Like I've tried to,

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Speaker 2: you know, encourage her to join me in therapy, and

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Speaker 2: she's not recessive to that. And when I was much younger,

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Speaker 2: like when I was in my early twenties and even

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Speaker 2: my teenage years, I had just reached a point where

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Speaker 2: there was no relationship. I had completely just shut myself,

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Speaker 2: you know, out from dealing with her in any way.

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Speaker 2: And then as I you know why, I just feel

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Speaker 2: like it doesn't matter if you're my mother or not.

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Speaker 2: If you're not loving and respectful towards me, I don't

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Speaker 2: feel the need to be in a relationship with you.

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Speaker 2: And I apply this logic to every relationship with my life,

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Speaker 2: like whether it's a family members a friend, if I

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Speaker 2: don't feel like love and warmth, because that's those the

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Speaker 2: two ingredients that I've been missing from our relationship my

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Speaker 2: entire life. She was very detached and cold and distant,

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Speaker 2: towards me. I don't know what else to do, and

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Speaker 2: it's frustrating, like having to constantly I feel like I

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Speaker 2: have to accept this behavior just because she's my mother.

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Speaker 2: It's just I just don't want to accept that. I'm

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Speaker 2: having a hard time. I'm accepting that I should say.

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Speaker 1: Well, again, transactional. You want to do these things and

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Speaker 1: hopefully she'll do something in return. So let's just take

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Speaker 1: a look at that for a moment. That's probably the

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Speaker 1: same thing that the men you're in relationship would feel

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Speaker 1: from you, because that's a condition of your heart. Father

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Speaker 1: represents mind, mother represents heart. Right now, your heart is transactional.

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Speaker 1: So let's just take a look at that. Are you

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Speaker 1: open to that for just a minute. Yes, I'm not

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Speaker 1: saying that your feelings are not valid, because they are.

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Speaker 1: I'm not saying that your experience is not real because

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Speaker 1: it is.

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Speaker 2: So.

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Speaker 1: How old was your mother when she was pregnant with you? Nineteen?

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Speaker 1: That's called the princess cycle. The young woman who's the visionary.

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Speaker 1: She sits and she sees a vision of the future.

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Speaker 1: She has a lot of hope in what's going on,

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Speaker 1: just confidence in herself, and she's seeking unconditional love at nineteen,

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Speaker 1: that's what she wants. I'm assuming they were not married.

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Speaker 1: Is that actually now?

303
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Speaker 2: The sweetheart?

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Speaker 1: So she had this vision of how her life was

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Speaker 1: going to be with him and what they were going

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Speaker 1: to do and how they were going to be together.

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Speaker 1: She's a princess. It's all about her. It's all about

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Speaker 1: what she wants and what she sees, and everybody is

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Speaker 1: to serve her. And then, one day, without any warning

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Speaker 1: from anything about anything, or maybe there was some warning,

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Speaker 1: we don't know, her high school sweetheart ends her vision.

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Speaker 1: Her high school sweetheart puts a condition on their love.

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Speaker 1: Her high school sweetheart destroys all hope she has for

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Speaker 1: the future and ends his life in front of her,

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Speaker 1: and does this while she is pregnant at nineteen with

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Speaker 1: his child. Do you think happened to her heart? Take

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Speaker 1: a breath? What do you think happened to the princess's

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Speaker 1: heart that day?

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Speaker 2: The blood just stopped pumping into it. It just okay,

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Speaker 2: flattened doubt.

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Speaker 1: Yes, So, the vision that we're gonna ride off in

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Speaker 1: the sunset, We're gonna have this little baby, and we're

323
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Speaker 1: gonna my everything, her vision, her hope, her experience, of love,

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Speaker 1: her laughter, because all of that is in the fourteen

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Speaker 1: to nineteen year age. That's where she's pumping at. In

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Speaker 1: a moment's notice, it's flatlined. And I can almost guarantee

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Speaker 1: you her mother didn't know how to help her repair

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Speaker 1: her shattered heart. So now she's got a constant reminder

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Speaker 1: that her vision, her hope, her dreams for the future

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Speaker 1: are shattered. And that reminder would be you. It ain't personal.

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Speaker 1: I know that sounds bizarre.

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Speaker 2: No, I've thought that before. That's why she's been so

333
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Speaker 2: cold to me, because I remind her constantly of that situation.

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Speaker 1: And in the meantime, she has this life that she

335
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,880
Speaker 1: has to nourish when she's not being nourished, nurture when

336
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:21,200
Speaker 1: she's not being nurtured, Teach when she probably hasn't been taught.

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Speaker 1: I'm not making excuses for your mother. I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: give you the picture so that you understand there is

339
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:32,320
Speaker 1: nothing you can do to change that. She first of

340
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,359
Speaker 1: all has to be willing, She has to ask for

341
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 1: the help. She has to know she needs to help.

342
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:43,040
Speaker 1: Did she clothe you? Did she clothe you? Did you

343
00:22:43,119 --> 00:22:49,760
Speaker 1: have something to eat? Every day? I did, and and

344
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:52,160
Speaker 1: did you learn how to tie your shoes and spell

345
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Speaker 1: your name.

346
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Speaker 2: I did, Yes, I did.

347
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Speaker 1: That's probably all she had to give. Doesn't make her

348
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:05,440
Speaker 1: wrong and you right. Doesn't make you wrong and her right.

349
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Speaker 1: I want you to understand what you're asking for and

350
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:13,880
Speaker 1: what you're trying to create. Twenty eight years later, you're

351
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,479
Speaker 1: probably not going to get it. So there's nothing you

352
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:23,200
Speaker 1: can do to repair the shattering of her heart that

353
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:28,080
Speaker 1: she passed on to You can't do anything. You can

354
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,720
Speaker 1: pray for her, but not pray for her because you

355
00:23:30,760 --> 00:23:33,960
Speaker 1: want her to be better for you. Pray for her

356
00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:38,119
Speaker 1: because you want the pain of her shattered heart to

357
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Speaker 1: be healed. She probably doesn't even think that's possible.

358
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Speaker 2: Now she does it. She's very negative. She's an most

359
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:48,199
Speaker 2: pessimistic person I've ever met in my entire life, Like

360
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Speaker 2: I feel like I have.

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Speaker 1: Let's wait a minute, wait a minute, Wait a minute,

362
00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:54,560
Speaker 1: wait a minute, wait a minute. Let's relanguage that she's

363
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,600
Speaker 1: not negative. She's broken.

364
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,040
Speaker 2: He's broken.

365
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,880
Speaker 1: You're judging it as negative because you're not getting what

366
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,840
Speaker 1: you want from her, and she's giving you all that

367
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:10,520
Speaker 1: she has, even if that is feed you, clothe, you

368
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,800
Speaker 1: tie your shoes, If that's all she has. Can you

369
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:17,320
Speaker 1: be grateful? Yes? Did you ever live in a shelter?

370
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:18,639
Speaker 2: Never? Uh?

371
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,800
Speaker 1: This is what I say to people when they have

372
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:26,160
Speaker 1: this negative perspective of who their mother is and how

373
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Speaker 1: she is. The first thing I said is know her story,

374
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 1: not as your mother, but as a woman. Know her story.

375
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:38,720
Speaker 1: Your mother has a tragic story. So think of this.

376
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:43,000
Speaker 1: You need something that your mother can't provide you, and

377
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,680
Speaker 1: she says, I've got to go uptown to get it.

378
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,840
Speaker 1: You live downtown, What you need is uptown and they're

379
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:55,439
Speaker 1: six inches of snow on the ground. Just naturally, a

380
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,720
Speaker 1: mother is going to give her children what she thinks

381
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:04,840
Speaker 1: they need. So with six inches of snow, she goes out,

382
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,160
Speaker 1: braves the weather, and walks three and a half miles

383
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,879
Speaker 1: to get uptown to look in the garbage can. Because

384
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,360
Speaker 1: the only thing she can do to give you what

385
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,640
Speaker 1: you need is get it out of the trash can.

386
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,679
Speaker 1: So she walks the three miles in the snow, digs

387
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:27,160
Speaker 1: through the trash cans at the fanciest buildings, on the

388
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:31,959
Speaker 1: most ritziest blocks, gets what she thinks you need, and

389
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 1: then walk back three miles and gives it to you.

390
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:41,119
Speaker 1: And you look at it and say Oh this is trash,

391
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 1: but you know what, it was the best trash she

392
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,560
Speaker 1: could find. And she walked three miles there and three

393
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:53,080
Speaker 1: miles back in six inches of snow. Yes, she's giving

394
00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: you trash, but it's the best trash she could find.

395
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:58,680
Speaker 1: Could you be grateful?

396
00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:03,720
Speaker 2: I am grateful for the best trash she could find. Yeah,

397
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:04,840
Speaker 2: I'm grateful.

398
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:07,160
Speaker 1: Well, you don't have to be, but it would probably

399
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:13,639
Speaker 1: be in your best interests. Yes, you can. You continued,

400
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:17,760
Speaker 1: You can continue to long for what you didn't have.

401
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:22,080
Speaker 1: You can continue to judge what she's giving you. You

402
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:24,800
Speaker 1: can continue to do that, and that's not going to

403
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:27,880
Speaker 1: turn out well for you, So you don't have to change.

404
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 1: But if you want to change your life, I would

405
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:33,399
Speaker 1: suggest that you say, oh, well, my mama gave me trash,

406
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 1: but it was the best trash you could find, and

407
00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:38,600
Speaker 1: she didn't even know it was trash. And I can't

408
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:45,480
Speaker 1: expect her, ask her, require her, demand of her to

409
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:49,200
Speaker 1: give me anything different, because the only thing she knows

410
00:26:49,240 --> 00:26:51,880
Speaker 1: how to give me is the best trash she has.

411
00:26:53,240 --> 00:26:56,399
Speaker 1: I know it's trash. She doesn't. She don't even know

412
00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:00,800
Speaker 1: it's trash. As a mom, she gave my she did

413
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:03,800
Speaker 1: what was required to give the child what it needed.

414
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 1: She has no idea that even though it came from uptown,

415
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:11,360
Speaker 1: it's still trash, no idea. That's your mother's story as

416
00:27:11,359 --> 00:27:14,000
Speaker 1: a woman. So don't pray for her to get better

417
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:18,400
Speaker 1: so she can give you something different. Pray for her

418
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,439
Speaker 1: to get better so that she can have the peace

419
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 1: and the joy and the happiness that you desire.

420
00:27:23,560 --> 00:27:26,360
Speaker 2: That's going to take some work. I'm gonna be honest.

421
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:32,919
Speaker 1: With you were born from and into a shattered heart.

422
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:38,280
Speaker 1: Hear me. You were born from a shattered heart, born

423
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:44,440
Speaker 1: into a shattered heart, nurtured, nourished, fed, directed, guided by

424
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:50,320
Speaker 1: a shattered heart. That's your pathology. So until you neutralize that,

425
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,960
Speaker 1: you're going to keep creating a shattered heart a dead end.

426
00:27:54,800 --> 00:28:00,119
Speaker 1: Start here. If my situation were to never change, and

427
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:05,680
Speaker 1: if I'm gonna be single from twenty nine to ninety nine,

428
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,000
Speaker 1: what do I need to do to have peace? What

429
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 1: do I need to do to have happiness? We'll talk

430
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:21,760
Speaker 1: about that when we come back. Welcome back to the

431
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 1: r spot. Let's pick up where we left off. Nothing's

432
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,120
Speaker 1: ever gonna change. I'm gonna be by myself from now

433
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,120
Speaker 1: till I till I turn one hundred and sixty two,

434
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:35,440
Speaker 1: I'll never get no more nookie. I'll never wake up

435
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,639
Speaker 1: to a warm body in the bed next to me.

436
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:40,920
Speaker 1: You know, I mean start there, because that is what's

437
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,480
Speaker 1: going to bring up for you, all of the things

438
00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 1: that you tell yourself about being with yourself and with God.

439
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 1: If nothing in my life were to ever change, if

440
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:53,280
Speaker 1: my life were to be like it is right now

441
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,800
Speaker 1: to the end of time, what do I need to do?

442
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,440
Speaker 1: How do I need to be to have peace, to

443
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:04,600
Speaker 1: have joy, to be in happiness. God's not a matchmaker.

444
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:08,360
Speaker 1: Praying to God for the right man. In God's eyes,

445
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:13,960
Speaker 1: all men are the right man. Do you think God

446
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,360
Speaker 1: is saying, no, not him. That's my son and I

447
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,080
Speaker 1: love him, but he's a little crazy. No, no, not him.

448
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:21,760
Speaker 1: That's my son, and he's on the journey, but he's

449
00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,040
Speaker 1: gonna make you crazy. And do you think God is

450
00:29:24,080 --> 00:29:26,840
Speaker 1: saying that he's not a matchmaker. He's saying, this is

451
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,800
Speaker 1: my son and whom I am well pleased. This is

452
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,800
Speaker 1: my daughter and whom I'm well pleased. Let them get

453
00:29:32,840 --> 00:29:36,920
Speaker 1: together and let's see what they're gonna do. Wow, what

454
00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:40,920
Speaker 1: you're creating with is all relationships, all my relationships and

455
00:29:41,080 --> 00:29:44,000
Speaker 1: in the dead end, leaving my heart shattered once again.

456
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: That's what you're creating.

457
00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,080
Speaker 2: With Oh, I never thought about it like that before.

458
00:29:48,600 --> 00:29:53,440
Speaker 1: Reprogram your DNA so that you don't continue the pathology

459
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: of your mother and your grandmother and her mother and

460
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:58,920
Speaker 1: her mother. Step out of the ancestral pattern so that

461
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:03,480
Speaker 1: you can be do different and have different And the

462
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:06,320
Speaker 1: way you do that is start where you are. God,

463
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:09,560
Speaker 1: my life is never going to change. If my life

464
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,520
Speaker 1: never changes, if I never find the right partner, if

465
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:16,920
Speaker 1: I never have a companion, show me how to have peace,

466
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,480
Speaker 1: Show me how to have joy. Teach me how to

467
00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:22,719
Speaker 1: have peace and joy right where I am, within myself,

468
00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:25,080
Speaker 1: not outside with my lovely friends.

469
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:27,840
Speaker 2: I can do that. I'm ready.

470
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:32,480
Speaker 1: Listen, you did it again. I can be that. Not

471
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:36,240
Speaker 1: I can do that. Do that.

472
00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:38,400
Speaker 2: I'm going to have to repeat this self in the

473
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:39,720
Speaker 2: mirror over and over again.

474
00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:46,280
Speaker 1: The distinction is being is within Doing is without deal

475
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:49,840
Speaker 1: with your shattered heart. You've got a shattered heart too,

476
00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:54,240
Speaker 1: because you weren't mothered. You grew up, but you weren't raised.

477
00:30:54,680 --> 00:31:00,560
Speaker 1: So go tell your therapist everything I said. I will.

478
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:03,600
Speaker 2: I will tell her, y'ama said.

479
00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:06,160
Speaker 1: I gotta be it and stop doing it. Tell her that,

480
00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,520
Speaker 1: Tell her I got Yama said, I got to heal

481
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:12,400
Speaker 1: my shattered heart because I was born from a shattered

482
00:31:12,400 --> 00:31:15,000
Speaker 1: heart into a shattered heart, and I need to clean

483
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,520
Speaker 1: that up. How do we clean that up? How do

484
00:31:18,600 --> 00:31:22,760
Speaker 1: I eliminate the judgments of my mother? A lot a lot,

485
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,120
Speaker 1: a lot, a lot of a lot of a lot

486
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 1: of forgiveness. Work and forgive your father for his selfishness,

487
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,720
Speaker 1: for his anger, for leaving your mother. Forgive him until

488
00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: you can get to the place where you don't judge

489
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,560
Speaker 1: him or blame him, because that's in there too.

490
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:43,160
Speaker 2: It is I have to take a breath for a moment,

491
00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 2: because I just saw something come up. When you said that,

492
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:47,520
Speaker 2: I was like, oh.

493
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:51,080
Speaker 1: Take a deep breast, Yeah, what came up?

494
00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:56,320
Speaker 2: I think I've struggled for a long time with the

495
00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 2: question of the question of why wasn't I enough for

496
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,120
Speaker 2: you to work through whatever you were going through at

497
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:07,880
Speaker 2: that time? You want to stay here and be present

498
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:11,440
Speaker 2: for my mother and for me, because he knew that

499
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:17,320
Speaker 2: my mom was pregnant obviously, and it didn't it wasn't

500
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,239
Speaker 2: enough for him to want to say, Okay, I'm going

501
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:24,160
Speaker 2: to fight for my life, and you know, whatever model

502
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:27,600
Speaker 2: I have internally, I'm going to get the help that

503
00:32:27,680 --> 00:32:31,240
Speaker 2: I need in order to you know, be there for

504
00:32:31,320 --> 00:32:35,080
Speaker 2: my child and for my mother. So I'm working that

505
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:38,160
Speaker 2: out through therapy of that you know, why wasn't I enough?

506
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 2: Why didn't that matter? And I think also to that

507
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,960
Speaker 2: belief is trickling into how I navigate relationships as well,

508
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,960
Speaker 2: because like, even when that person I was dating a

509
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,760
Speaker 2: couple of months ago, he wouldn't commit. It was just

510
00:32:50,800 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 2: so devastating to me. It's like, I think it's because

511
00:32:54,040 --> 00:32:57,640
Speaker 2: my mind is automatically rerouted to that belief of like,

512
00:32:58,240 --> 00:33:00,840
Speaker 2: you know, I'm not enough, and that's why he didn't

513
00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:04,160
Speaker 2: want to stay as opposed to we just weren't compatible.

514
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:06,640
Speaker 2: You weren't a good fit, and that's why it didn't

515
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,280
Speaker 2: work out. But I feel like I have a battle

516
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,480
Speaker 2: constantly between what I intellectually know and what my heart is.

517
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:17,600
Speaker 1: Feeling because your heart is shattered. Your heart is shattered,

518
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,880
Speaker 1: and you keep trying to put the little pieces together.

519
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:25,320
Speaker 1: You have made your father's suicide personal. It won't personal.

520
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 1: It ain't had nothing to do with you. Your father

521
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:31,240
Speaker 1: was in pain. But most people who take their own lives.

522
00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 1: Don't want to die. They want to stop hurting, and

523
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,400
Speaker 1: they don't know how to stop hurting. And since they

524
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:42,720
Speaker 1: connect the hurt to life, they figure, if I end life,

525
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,680
Speaker 1: I'll stop hurting. They thought doesn't go any further than that.

526
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 1: You've taken on all of these things into your shattered heart.

527
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,200
Speaker 1: I'm telling you he was hurting. It didn't have anything

528
00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:58,080
Speaker 1: to do with you. He had to stop himself from hurting.

529
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:01,920
Speaker 1: So it's not why am I not enough? That is

530
00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:06,240
Speaker 1: the wrong question. The question is I am enough? How

531
00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 1: do I live it?

532
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 2: Wow?

533
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:12,720
Speaker 1: I am important? How do I live it? I do matter?

534
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,160
Speaker 1: How do I live it? That's what you take to God,

535
00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:20,880
Speaker 1: because you matter to God. You are important to God,

536
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,839
Speaker 1: and you are enough for God. Because see the other

537
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:27,200
Speaker 1: little peace that you've got going on here that'll take

538
00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:33,000
Speaker 1: us another hour to explore. Is ever, whatever your thoughts

539
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:36,760
Speaker 1: are about your father, you have those same thoughts about

540
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:40,480
Speaker 1: the Father. So all of your breakdown with you're saying

541
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:43,359
Speaker 1: to yourself God, why am I enough for you? Why

542
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:46,160
Speaker 1: am I not important enough for you to give me

543
00:34:46,280 --> 00:34:49,680
Speaker 1: what I want need? The same things you have going

544
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 1: on with your father, you have going on with the

545
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:57,239
Speaker 1: father because there's no separation. There's only one, and the

546
00:34:57,320 --> 00:35:02,280
Speaker 1: consciousness the universe doesn't READI is the father, your father,

547
00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:05,720
Speaker 1: my father of father. Universe only reads father.

548
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:10,320
Speaker 2: Wow, that was powerful. I'm just taking a moment to put.

549
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:13,279
Speaker 1: That sit in. I want you to send me your

550
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:18,720
Speaker 1: therapist check this week. Okay, I will.

551
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:23,120
Speaker 2: I will thank you so much.

552
00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:29,320
Speaker 1: Let me just say, remember, be it, do what's required

553
00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:34,040
Speaker 1: to sustain it so that you can have it. Not

554
00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:37,719
Speaker 1: do have B. Let me do the right thing so

555
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,040
Speaker 1: I can have what I want and then I'll be happy.

556
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:44,320
Speaker 1: Not do have b B. Do have be in relationship

557
00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:49,000
Speaker 1: with God, be in relationship with yourself. Do what's required

558
00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:53,680
Speaker 1: to say, say, sustain, grow, expand that so that you

559
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:58,960
Speaker 1: can have the relationship that you want. Tell me something

560
00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 1: you know now that you did know when you called.

561
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:04,279
Speaker 1: And I want to make sure something is landed in that.

562
00:36:05,200 --> 00:36:09,799
Speaker 2: I need to be all the things that.

563
00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 1: Say it like this, because I know that your little

564
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:19,640
Speaker 1: mind likes doing what I What I know now is

565
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,840
Speaker 1: what I know now is start there. What I know

566
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:25,359
Speaker 1: now is what I know.

567
00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:31,319
Speaker 2: Now is that I am enough, I do matter, I

568
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:35,960
Speaker 2: am important, and I need to live in that, live

569
00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:39,880
Speaker 2: in that mindset and live in that mentality good.

570
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:40,480
Speaker 1: What else?

571
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:45,120
Speaker 2: What I know now is what I know now is

572
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:52,799
Speaker 2: I've been navigating all of my relationships in a very

573
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:58,440
Speaker 2: transactional way, and I need to be more present and

574
00:36:58,480 --> 00:37:02,520
Speaker 2: focused on what's happening right now in the present moment,

575
00:37:02,600 --> 00:37:06,320
Speaker 2: instead of projecting all of these all of the stuff

576
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:10,320
Speaker 2: I have with my mother and my father and God's

577
00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 2: the Father and all of my other relationships. Stop projecting

578
00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:16,520
Speaker 2: and be present now.

579
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 1: Is there anything else?

580
00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:21,680
Speaker 2: And I need to quit therapy and give you another qu.

581
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:31,680
Speaker 1: No, don't you need that objective voice, that objective eye.

582
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 1: You're going to be fine, you know. And remember you

583
00:37:36,239 --> 00:37:40,520
Speaker 1: were born with, you were born from, and you were

584
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: born into a shattered heart. So in essence, you have

585
00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:50,040
Speaker 1: a heart condition. Work on your heart condition and everything

586
00:37:50,080 --> 00:37:54,080
Speaker 1: else will line up. And the good news is, my love,

587
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,560
Speaker 1: you are exactly where you need to be at twenty

588
00:37:57,600 --> 00:38:00,520
Speaker 1: eight to twenty nine years old. Clean this eype so

589
00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:02,960
Speaker 1: that when you get into thirty you don't have all

590
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 1: of this unfinished business.

591
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:10,120
Speaker 2: Okay, okay, thank you so much.

592
00:38:10,680 --> 00:38:12,840
Speaker 1: Yes, have a blessed, blessed day.

593
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 2: You too, have a blessed day.

594
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:23,640
Speaker 1: Okay, bye bye. For women, the do have be model

595
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:28,560
Speaker 1: is outdated. It is simply not going to work. You

596
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:32,439
Speaker 1: can't do enough in order to have what you want.

597
00:38:32,760 --> 00:38:35,480
Speaker 1: In order to be what it is you desire to be,

598
00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:39,279
Speaker 1: you have to be it first. You have to be

599
00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 1: the peace. You have to be the joy. You have

600
00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:44,160
Speaker 1: to be the happiness. You have to be the contentment,

601
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:46,719
Speaker 1: you have to be the commitment. You have to be

602
00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:51,319
Speaker 1: it first for yourself, within yourself, so that you will

603
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:56,280
Speaker 1: do the things that are required to sustain and maintain

604
00:38:56,560 --> 00:38:59,839
Speaker 1: your happiness, your joy, your peace, your contentment, and then

605
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:04,080
Speaker 1: you will have what it is you desire. That's where

606
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,719
Speaker 1: we have to go. That means there's some work we

607
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 1: have to do to be the thing first. Not just

608
00:39:11,520 --> 00:39:16,239
Speaker 1: young women, old women, or women be it so that

609
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:20,040
Speaker 1: you can have it. I hope this has been helpful

610
00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:23,040
Speaker 1: to someone, and if you have a question about this

611
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 1: or any other relationship issue, you can call me live

612
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:31,520
Speaker 1: at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven six eight.

613
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,319
Speaker 1: Now be sure to follow me on social media for

614
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:38,080
Speaker 1: all of the calling times, and until then, stay in

615
00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:47,120
Speaker 1: peace and not pieces. The R Spot is a production

616
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:52,880
Speaker 1: of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts

617
00:39:52,880 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 1: from Shondaland Audio. Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or

618
00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,680
Speaker 1: wherever you listen to your face Ritchells