WEBVTT - 8 Mistakes We Make in Dating and 8 Steps to Make Them Right 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.320 Now, if you compare the person in front of you 0:00:03.000 --> 0:00:06.680 to an imagination of the possibilities of how many people 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:10.200 you're missing out on, what's going to win. The possibility 0:00:10.240 --> 0:00:16.239 wins because one person can't compete with unlimited possibility. No 0:00:16.280 --> 0:00:19.400 one could. Even if you were sitting in front of 0:00:19.440 --> 0:00:23.720 your dream person, you could potentially believe that the possibility 0:00:23.800 --> 0:00:32.959 is greater than that person. Hey, everyone, welcome back to 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:36.080 On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:37.800 Thanks to each and every one of you that come 0:00:37.840 --> 0:00:42.400 back every week to listen, learn and grow. I love 0:00:42.560 --> 0:00:45.120 this time we get to spend together. It's such an 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:49.320 incredible community that we've built. There are millions and millions 0:00:49.320 --> 0:00:52.000 of you that are listening every month, and I cannot 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:57.800 wait to we'rein a auditorium, events space arena together where 0:00:57.840 --> 0:01:00.640 we can have these conversations, you can ask question and 0:01:00.720 --> 0:01:03.280 it can be truly interactive. It's coming and I'm excited. 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:06.640 I just want to take a moment to honor those 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:10.560 of you that have been leaving reviews, because some of 0:01:10.560 --> 0:01:14.600 them are just absolutely wonderful. This one is from Maya. 0:01:14.720 --> 0:01:18.160 She says this was based on the Fixer podcast. She said, 0:01:18.240 --> 0:01:20.640 I should have been wearing better socks because Jay knocked 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:23.480 them off while listening to this. While listening to this episode, 0:01:23.520 --> 0:01:26.560 it was so enlightening. The first time I listened to it, 0:01:26.560 --> 0:01:29.360 it was for absorption, The second time was to share 0:01:29.400 --> 0:01:32.080 with my family and partner. The third time was to 0:01:32.120 --> 0:01:35.360 create a game plan going forward. It's hard to understand 0:01:35.360 --> 0:01:39.240 the supportive versus the fixer when everyone's used your gifts 0:01:39.440 --> 0:01:42.360 for support in the past. So by being a fixer, 0:01:42.440 --> 0:01:45.360 I learned that was support. It goes on. But that 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:48.960 is such a deeply meaningful review. Thank you so much. 0:01:49.360 --> 0:01:52.640 This one was from Amy. My husband and I are 0:01:52.680 --> 0:01:55.440 always trying to find ways to grow. This episode hit 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:58.880 the mark for us while we're currently working through individual growth. 0:01:59.200 --> 0:02:01.680 Thank you for always providing just the right therapy and 0:02:01.800 --> 0:02:05.160 perfect timing. Busy mother of five, Amy, Amy, thank you 0:02:05.240 --> 0:02:09.240 so much for listening. This one was from Susie. First 0:02:09.240 --> 0:02:12.160 time listening, she says, I chose the episode about making 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.760 your relationship better because I'm newly wed and want to 0:02:14.760 --> 0:02:17.040 build a strong marriage. I was amazed at how much 0:02:17.080 --> 0:02:20.560 specific and useful information was packed into just thirteen minutes. 0:02:20.840 --> 0:02:23.640 I'm going to listen to this episode again and take 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:26.680 notes The next time, though, and this is the last 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:29.360 one I wanted to read today from Morgan, although there 0:02:29.360 --> 0:02:32.280 are so many more I could read, Jay and On 0:02:32.400 --> 0:02:35.400 Purpose Crew. This podcast has truly been a light to 0:02:35.480 --> 0:02:37.720 my life since the very first one I listened to. 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:40.520 I try every day to apply what I've learned here 0:02:40.560 --> 0:02:43.480 to my everyday living. It always brings me joy and 0:02:43.560 --> 0:02:47.640 good vibes. Will forever be a listener of On Purpose. Jay. 0:02:47.680 --> 0:02:49.760 I just want you to know that I see you, 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:53.040 I hear you, and I appreciate you. Thank you for 0:02:53.120 --> 0:02:56.600 helping me improve my mindfulness, self compassion, and growth. You 0:02:56.639 --> 0:02:59.160 and your teachings are a blessing to this world. Looking 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:03.000 forward to more time spend listening to this podcast. Much love, Morgan, 0:03:03.760 --> 0:03:06.760 Well to Morgan and to everyone else. I want you 0:03:06.800 --> 0:03:10.240 to hear this from me. I see you, I hear you, 0:03:10.720 --> 0:03:14.080 and I appreciate you. If you're listening to this right now, 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:18.200 I value your time. I'm grateful for the trust and 0:03:18.360 --> 0:03:22.000 investment you put into On Purpose. I do not underestimate 0:03:22.080 --> 0:03:25.800 or undervalue it for even a moment. I genuinely feel 0:03:25.840 --> 0:03:27.840 so touch that you've chosen to be here, and you 0:03:27.960 --> 0:03:30.440 keep choosing to be here, and I cannot wait for 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:34.359 you to listen to this episode, which is all about 0:03:34.840 --> 0:03:39.120 the eight mistakes we make in dating and the eight 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:43.600 things to get them right. Right, we all make mistakes. 0:03:44.000 --> 0:03:47.720 Raise your hand right now. If you've made a mistake 0:03:47.960 --> 0:03:50.920 in dating and you're sure of it, it's true, right, 0:03:51.000 --> 0:03:53.720 We've all made mistakes in dating. Maybe you've said something 0:03:53.760 --> 0:03:56.920 too soon, maybe you said something too late. Maybe you 0:03:56.960 --> 0:04:02.880 weren't honest. Maybe you struggled with sharing vulnerably. Maybe you 0:04:02.920 --> 0:04:05.640 wish you were more vulnerable and ask more deeper questions. 0:04:06.000 --> 0:04:07.800 There are so many ways of going about it, and 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:09.640 today I want to share with you some of those 0:04:10.000 --> 0:04:12.680 mistakes and what you can do about them. Now. I 0:04:12.720 --> 0:04:15.920 was reading some research which I always love, starting with 0:04:16.000 --> 0:04:20.000 science and evolving into strategy and spirituality. So when you 0:04:20.040 --> 0:04:23.320 listen to on Purpose, you get strategy, you get science, 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:26.720 and you get spirituality, which is really how my mind works. 0:04:27.200 --> 0:04:30.200 And this study by the Pew Reset Center inquired into 0:04:30.240 --> 0:04:33.680 modern dating attitudes in the US and found that it 0:04:33.720 --> 0:04:37.360 was pretty mixed. Almost half of the survey datas agreed 0:04:37.760 --> 0:04:40.560 that it's harder to date now than it was ten 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:43.400 years ago, and sixty seven percent of datas in the 0:04:43.480 --> 0:04:47.880 survey said that dating life wasn't going well. Now, whether 0:04:47.920 --> 0:04:51.040 this is you or this is the life of a friend, 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:55.440 you know you can relate to this. Now. What's fascinating 0:04:55.480 --> 0:04:57.799 to me, though, also is that couples who meet online 0:04:58.240 --> 0:05:00.920 are less likely to divorce. In two thousand and five, 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:03.920 the University of Chicago funded a seven year study on 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:07.719 married couples who met online and offline. Marriage breakups were 0:05:07.720 --> 0:05:11.200 reported among six percent of couples who met online and 0:05:11.400 --> 0:05:14.720 seven point six percent of couples who met offline, So 0:05:14.800 --> 0:05:19.040 slightly less and online dating is now responsible for twenty 0:05:19.120 --> 0:05:23.760 two percent of weddings. So it's becoming an increasingly popular 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:29.719 way to meet people. Now, this is the first of 0:05:29.800 --> 0:05:31.839 the eight that I want to speak to you about, 0:05:32.760 --> 0:05:34.440 and I know what you're going to say. You're going 0:05:34.480 --> 0:05:36.600 to say, Jay, it's hard, it doesn't work like that. 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:39.640 I'm nervous and scared, but I'm going to push you 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:44.720 in this direction. The first mistake we make is we 0:05:44.800 --> 0:05:48.880 talk for too long and we meet too late. My 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:53.960 advice is meet as soon as possible. When you meet someone, 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:57.320 you are going to figure out far quicker if you 0:05:57.360 --> 0:06:06.440 have chemistry, compatibility, a standing connection, attraction, care, kindness support. 0:06:07.080 --> 0:06:10.560 If you don't spend time with someone physically, it is 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:13.680 very difficult to know what triggers them and what does it, 0:06:14.240 --> 0:06:17.039 what affects them and what does it. And a few 0:06:17.120 --> 0:06:19.840 years ago, when I was guiding a lot of young 0:06:19.880 --> 0:06:22.960 men back in London, I realized one of my techniques 0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:25.799 that really helped was there's something called the three date rule, 0:06:26.320 --> 0:06:28.360 the idea that even if you don't like someone after 0:06:28.400 --> 0:06:31.320 a first date, you still see them three times because 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:34.159 it helps you understand and learn about them, and helps 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:37.120 them understand and learn about you, and it helps you 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:41.880 learn about yourself. This was the biggest thing. When you're dating, 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:44.599 you're not just learning about other people, you're learning about yourself. 0:06:44.600 --> 0:06:47.320 You're learning about your likes and dislikes. You're also learning 0:06:47.320 --> 0:06:51.760 how to unlearn. How many times have you realized that 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:53.960 you actually like someone that you didn't think you'd be 0:06:54.000 --> 0:06:57.880 attracted to. How many times do you realize that there's 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:02.800 someone in your life that would not normally says your type, 0:07:03.000 --> 0:07:07.480 but unexpectedly they're really becoming the person in your life 0:07:07.520 --> 0:07:10.960 that you're most interested in. And this happens to all 0:07:11.000 --> 0:07:13.880 of us when we don't just quit. When you meet 0:07:13.960 --> 0:07:16.360 someone for an hour an hour and a half. I mean, 0:07:16.400 --> 0:07:19.400 what are you truly going to know or learn about 0:07:19.440 --> 0:07:22.920 them perfectly? And we see this time and time again 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:28.680 where it changes. Our taste changes, our desires change, our 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:33.280 possibilities change, And that's why it's so important to meet 0:07:33.400 --> 0:07:36.280 as soon as possible. Often, if you saw someone online, 0:07:36.280 --> 0:07:38.160 you wouldn't be attracted to them, you wouldn't think they 0:07:38.160 --> 0:07:41.240 were the right person for you. But it's so important 0:07:41.280 --> 0:07:44.080 to get that face to face. Now, this study from 0:07:44.120 --> 0:07:46.960 the Pure Research Center says that about fifty seven percent 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:50.560 of single men said they do not receive enough messages 0:07:50.920 --> 0:07:53.800 on the typical dating site or app, and only six 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:57.920 percent of men said they receive too many messages. So again, 0:07:58.000 --> 0:07:59.680 it seems like men are already dealing with the fact 0:07:59.720 --> 0:08:03.000 that the not getting enough messages, they're not getting enough communication. 0:08:03.440 --> 0:08:05.440 And often that's because sometimes a lot of people are 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:07.200 waiting for men to make a move, or to share 0:08:07.200 --> 0:08:10.840 their interest or to connect, or are waiting to see 0:08:10.840 --> 0:08:13.320 if they truly care. So if you're listening to this 0:08:13.360 --> 0:08:16.400 and you're someone waiting, don't wait for someone else to 0:08:16.440 --> 0:08:19.400 make a move. Now, the second mistake that we make 0:08:20.480 --> 0:08:26.000 is that you keep checking that one person who doesn't 0:08:26.000 --> 0:08:29.440 message you back. The second mistake we make is that 0:08:29.440 --> 0:08:35.600 we keep checking, refreshing, browsing, checking again. If that one 0:08:35.720 --> 0:08:40.319 person message us back, they probably weren't even the one 0:08:40.360 --> 0:08:42.960 we really wanted to be with. They might not even 0:08:43.000 --> 0:08:45.600 have been the one that we've really wanted. They might 0:08:45.640 --> 0:08:47.680 not even have been the person we're most attracted to 0:08:48.440 --> 0:08:52.439 that they didn't reply. They didn't reply, so they go 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:56.520 to the top of our priority list. How many of 0:08:56.559 --> 0:09:00.360 you know you've been in this situation? Any of you 0:09:00.400 --> 0:09:03.760 know a friend who's been in this situation. We are 0:09:03.800 --> 0:09:08.480 attracted to those that reject us. We are attracted to 0:09:08.520 --> 0:09:14.160 those that feel unreachable. We're attracted to those that feel 0:09:14.760 --> 0:09:21.560 beyond us. The lesson is, don't obsess if they don't text. Now, 0:09:21.960 --> 0:09:26.120 the same research study says that one third of women 0:09:26.360 --> 0:09:30.400 say they get too many messages. So a lot of 0:09:30.480 --> 0:09:33.840 us are getting so many messages, but we're looking at 0:09:33.880 --> 0:09:37.520 the one person who's not messaging us. Thirty percent of 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:40.000 single women said they get too many messages, while forty 0:09:40.040 --> 0:09:43.119 five percent said they get the right number of messages. 0:09:43.920 --> 0:09:46.560 But what are we doing. We're obsessing over that one 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:50.880 person who doesn't respond because it feels like we're missing 0:09:50.920 --> 0:09:53.360 out on something. It feels like there must be something 0:09:53.440 --> 0:09:55.960 special there. It feels like that could have been the one. 0:09:56.440 --> 0:09:58.680 It's like what we do with negative comments on social 0:09:58.720 --> 0:10:03.720 media amplify the negative. We downplay the positive. If nine 0:10:03.760 --> 0:10:07.439 people today told you you looked incredible, and one person 0:10:08.000 --> 0:10:11.720 didn't look at you in the right way, you go 0:10:11.840 --> 0:10:13.760 home thinking, oh no, what did I wear? What did 0:10:13.800 --> 0:10:16.440 I say? What did I do? It's incredible, isn't it? 0:10:16.440 --> 0:10:20.359 How we do that? Please, when someone gives you a compliment, 0:10:20.960 --> 0:10:24.040 say thank you, I appreciate you noticing that that means 0:10:24.040 --> 0:10:27.120 a lot to me. Don't say, oh no, it's not 0:10:27.240 --> 0:10:31.160 saying it's okay. When you're reading your comments today, don't 0:10:31.200 --> 0:10:35.320 just scroll past the positive ones full of love and joy. Stop. 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:41.839 Read them slowly, take them in, appreciate them, then move on. 0:10:42.600 --> 0:10:45.400 And when it comes to your birthday or a special 0:10:45.400 --> 0:10:50.320 celebration this year, don't you shrug it off. Allow yourself 0:10:50.360 --> 0:10:54.359 to take an opportunity to celebrate your life, to celebrate 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:59.559 your winds. It's so important. If someone doesn't text back, 0:11:00.440 --> 0:11:05.920 it's normal. We have to be ready to know that 0:11:05.960 --> 0:11:10.120 there are plenty more opportunities. There are plenty more people 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:16.000 that will respond and are responding. Now. The third mistake 0:11:16.040 --> 0:11:20.440 we make is that we give up too soon. I 0:11:20.520 --> 0:11:23.439 hear people say all the time, I'm messaged five people 0:11:23.480 --> 0:11:26.000 and none of them reach back. It's over. It's never 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:29.640 gonna work. No one cares about me, no one likes me. 0:11:29.840 --> 0:11:34.280 I'm not attractive enough, this isn't gonna work. I'm just 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:37.360 not made for online dating. How many times have you 0:11:37.400 --> 0:11:39.200 said that? How many times have you heard that? How 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:42.959 many times have you felt that? Right? It's so common, 0:11:43.960 --> 0:11:46.840 it's so common for all of us to beat ourselves up. 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:49.840 How many of us criticize ourselves. How many of us 0:11:49.960 --> 0:11:53.040 judge ourselves. How many of us just make ourselves feel 0:11:53.960 --> 0:11:59.520 like we have nothing to offer because someone them message back, 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:02.520 some of them respond, or we message five people, and 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:06.080 because we didn't get the response we wanted, we just said, oh, 0:12:06.080 --> 0:12:08.559 it's all over. This isn't going to work out. We 0:12:08.640 --> 0:12:13.520 give up way way too easily. We give up, way 0:12:13.559 --> 0:12:16.960 way too easily, and it's just one of those things 0:12:17.040 --> 0:12:20.240 that doesn't work in any area of life. Right. Imagine 0:12:20.240 --> 0:12:22.080 you're trying to start a business. You give up too easily. 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:26.760 It doesn't work. Imagine you're chasing your dreams. You give 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:31.720 up too easily, it doesn't work. Imagine you try to 0:12:32.400 --> 0:12:35.280 start a new diet or a new workout. You give 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:38.280 up too easily. It doesn't work. Nothing in life works 0:12:38.280 --> 0:12:42.000 when you give up too easily, especially relationships. The lesson 0:12:42.080 --> 0:12:46.440 here is be prepared to not hear it back a lot. 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:49.120 So the last message was don't obsess over that one 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:51.640 person who doesn't text. This is get used to it 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:54.880 and don't see it as a failure. We just talked 0:12:54.920 --> 0:12:57.280 about how many women think they get too many messages. 0:12:58.000 --> 0:13:02.040 It's not a failure. It's not a failure if someone 0:13:02.080 --> 0:13:06.440 doesn't message back the amount of volume of messages we're receiving, 0:13:06.480 --> 0:13:09.800 even when we feel we don't receive enough messages, Imagine 0:13:09.800 --> 0:13:13.319 you're receiving fifty messages a week. That's a lot for 0:13:13.360 --> 0:13:15.760 anyone to keep up with. And you have to get 0:13:15.840 --> 0:13:17.920 used to the fact that you're not going to hear back. 0:13:18.920 --> 0:13:20.760 Just as think about this for a moment. If you're 0:13:20.760 --> 0:13:23.319 in a bar or a club. Let's say you found 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:26.160 twenty five percent of the people in the club attractive, 0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:29.240 or there are a few people that you liked, you 0:13:29.280 --> 0:13:31.800 would never go up to all of them, right, You 0:13:31.800 --> 0:13:34.640 would just never do that. You may just about go 0:13:34.720 --> 0:13:36.040 up to one of them or hope one comes up 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:40.240 to you. So the odds are a bit higher because 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:43.280 you're approaching less people and less people are approaching you 0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:45.680 orreas online dating, you are going to approach more people 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:49.360 and that's healthy. So don't see a lack of response 0:13:49.520 --> 0:13:54.000 as rejection. It's a really really important lesson because it's 0:13:54.040 --> 0:13:58.920 going to completely limit you from recognizing that all you 0:13:58.960 --> 0:14:03.240 need is one person to fund and unfortunately we're living 0:14:03.280 --> 0:14:05.920 in a world where you are going to have to 0:14:06.000 --> 0:14:09.080 go through the majority of people. Now, one way of 0:14:09.120 --> 0:14:12.559 limiting this is paying to be on the side or 0:14:12.600 --> 0:14:15.120 app and being linked with other people that are paying 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:16.680 to be on the side or app, because of course 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:19.360 this makes it more serious. And the pure Reset study 0:14:19.560 --> 0:14:22.560 I was mentioning says that singles spend one hundred and 0:14:22.560 --> 0:14:25.680 forty six dollars per month on dating expenses. Now that 0:14:25.720 --> 0:14:28.040 includes more than just the app, of course, that includes 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.760 going out on dates, etc. But it's so important to 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:35.080 make sure that you're investing to attract people who also 0:14:35.120 --> 0:14:38.880 want to invest. If people pay to play in any area, 0:14:39.000 --> 0:14:41.160 they're going to turn up. This was something that I 0:14:41.240 --> 0:14:45.240 realized in so many ways around so much of the work. Well, 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:48.120 I've seen that when I'm doing courses in programs, when 0:14:48.120 --> 0:14:50.960 people pay, they turn up and they're more present then 0:14:50.960 --> 0:14:53.320 when it's free. When it's free, people miss sessions, they 0:14:53.360 --> 0:14:56.240 don't turn up, they don't think about it. It's incredible 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:58.560 what happens when we pay to play. Even in the 0:14:58.680 --> 0:15:03.080 dating area of life. Now, the fourth mistake we make 0:15:04.040 --> 0:15:09.320 is being limited by our type. We're limited by our type. 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:13.440 We already have a preconceived notion of the Hollywood actor 0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:17.920 replica that we want in our lives, of the musician 0:15:18.240 --> 0:15:21.520 or the music star we grew up listening to. We're 0:15:21.560 --> 0:15:23.480 looking for their hair type, we're looking their face type, 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:25.320 we're looking for their eye color. We're looking for all 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:28.440 these things. And it's incredible because all the studies and 0:15:28.480 --> 0:15:32.400 even individual stories go back to show that's rarely the case. 0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:36.960 I was reading this really cool article on Pure while 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:40.880 and it was talking about stories of what people met. Now, 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:42.520 there was a story that they had on the site 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:47.440 from someone called Megan k in Kentucky, and she was 0:15:47.480 --> 0:15:50.720 saying that you might think you're only attracted to blonde 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:53.440 guys with hair like thor or that anyone shorter than 0:15:53.480 --> 0:15:56.080 five foot six is out of the question. But my 0:15:56.160 --> 0:15:59.400 husband's smiling, his profile pictures seem so genuine and kind 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:02.760 totally drew me in. I gave him a chance, and 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:04.920 I'm so glad I did. We just got married in November. 0:16:04.920 --> 0:16:09.040 When I hear stories like that, they're actually not the exception. 0:16:10.000 --> 0:16:14.520 It's more normal for people to meet someone when they 0:16:14.640 --> 0:16:20.440 broaden their type, right, And it's so interesting what happens 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:23.720 when you don't go for the person you thought you'd 0:16:23.760 --> 0:16:26.720 always go for. And I think a lot of people 0:16:26.920 --> 0:16:29.840 keep thinking that, Okay, I only date guys who look 0:16:29.880 --> 0:16:31.520 like this, only date guys who are this tall. I 0:16:31.520 --> 0:16:35.480 don't date women who post pictures like this. Whatever it means. 0:16:35.520 --> 0:16:40.200 We have our preconceived notions, but to really make it work, 0:16:40.400 --> 0:16:43.520 we have to allow something more interesting to happen, to 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:48.200 be more curious, to be more of an experimenter, to 0:16:48.280 --> 0:16:52.200 be open to possibilities, and so often we just don't 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:54.680 let this happen. You know, someone has a picture of 0:16:54.720 --> 0:16:56.400 their dog. We're like, no, I'm a cat person. They 0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:57.800 have a picture of a cat, which a non I'm 0:16:57.800 --> 0:16:59.960 a dog person. Sometimes we say it about the silly 0:17:00.080 --> 0:17:02.320 years things. Right, we turn people down based on the 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:04.480 tiniest things. Oh, I only date people are five for ten. 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:08.119 Oh they're five for nine, right, I mean, that's not 0:17:08.160 --> 0:17:12.320 even the issue, and so it's such a need. One 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:14.199 of the most amazing stats that I saw on the 0:17:14.200 --> 0:17:17.960 Pure Research Center was that online dating US it's tripled 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:23.159 among young adults, and that there's a link between online 0:17:23.200 --> 0:17:26.600 dating and interracial marriage that both have been on the rise. 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:29.840 And it talks about how we used to marry people 0:17:30.760 --> 0:17:33.800 whom we were somehow connected to, but now because we're 0:17:33.800 --> 0:17:36.399 connected to so many more people from different backgrounds and 0:17:36.440 --> 0:17:39.760 different walks of life, there's more online dating leads to 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:43.639 more interracial marriages and relationships, which is a beautiful thing, 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:47.439 something that we didn't see before. So one of the 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:50.520 things I want us to really think about is that 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:52.919 it may not be someone from the same culture, It 0:17:52.960 --> 0:17:54.840 may not be someone from the same background, It may 0:17:54.880 --> 0:17:57.959 not be someone from the same places that have been 0:17:58.080 --> 0:18:00.600 used to finding people. Right, most of us have been 0:18:00.640 --> 0:18:02.720 living in these echo chambers where we meet the same people, 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:04.800 who know the same people, who know all the same people, 0:18:05.280 --> 0:18:08.639 and we find some comfort in that, but comfort doesn't 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:13.760 equate compatibility. Comfort doesn't equate to chemistry. Right, it's not 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:15.760 about being comfortable. Of course, you want your relation to 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:20.480 be simple, but comfort isn't necessarily what you're looking for. 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:23.080 So that's something I really want you to think about now. 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:28.320 The fifth mistake we make is that we're not present 0:18:28.600 --> 0:18:31.160 when we're on a date with someone. We're still using 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:33.760 the app when they go to the restroom. We're using 0:18:33.800 --> 0:18:36.160 the app when maybe they're running a couple of minutes 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:38.399 later the date. We're still on the app talking to 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:40.440 other people while we're going on a date with someone. 0:18:41.080 --> 0:18:44.840 And that can be overwhelming. Because, as we all know, 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:49.800 there's something called the paradox of choice, right, the paradox 0:18:49.840 --> 0:18:52.440 of choice. We always believed, or we were made to believe, 0:18:52.480 --> 0:18:54.280 that the more choice you have, the more freedom you have, 0:18:54.359 --> 0:18:58.639 the luckier you are. But the paradox of choice stipulates 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:04.000 that when we think we are more options, it becomes easier. Actually, 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:07.760 because it requires more effort to make a decision. It 0:19:07.840 --> 0:19:11.080 can lead us to feeling a sense of anxiety, can 0:19:11.160 --> 0:19:14.280 lead us to feeling a sense of stress and pressure. 0:19:14.840 --> 0:19:17.320 So you think that having more choices means you're going 0:19:17.320 --> 0:19:20.159 to find the right person. But sometimes the idea that 0:19:20.200 --> 0:19:23.720 there are unlimited choices is actually what limits you because 0:19:23.760 --> 0:19:26.400 now you're scared because now you're thinking, well, this person's 0:19:26.440 --> 0:19:28.159 kind of like an eight out of him. What if 0:19:28.200 --> 0:19:31.879 I could find at eight point three? Right? Think about 0:19:31.880 --> 0:19:33.600 a menu, Think about going to a restaurant and there's 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:35.159 too many things on the menu. How many of you 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:37.360 are like, oh, yeah, I'll just let my friends decide. Well, 0:19:37.400 --> 0:19:39.480 you can't outsource that with your life partner. You can't 0:19:39.760 --> 0:19:42.240 just let my friends decide. Right, you have to decide. 0:19:42.480 --> 0:19:44.600 But when you have too much choice, so what happens 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:48.440 is we expose ourselves to too many people, all at 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:50.080 the same time. And so when we're on a date 0:19:50.119 --> 0:19:53.280 with someone, we're still thinking about the other person. We're 0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:57.280 still thinking about the possibilities of what we're missing out on. Now, 0:19:57.280 --> 0:20:00.239 if you compare the person in front of you an 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:03.679 imagination of the possibilities of how many people you're missing 0:20:03.680 --> 0:20:07.800 out on, what's going to win? The possibility wins because 0:20:07.920 --> 0:20:12.440 one person can't compete with unlimited possibility. No one could. 0:20:12.880 --> 0:20:15.800 Even if you were sitting in front of your dream person, 0:20:16.280 --> 0:20:19.320 you could potentially believe that the possibility is greater than 0:20:19.320 --> 0:20:22.520 that person. And we do that all the time. We 0:20:22.600 --> 0:20:24.960 do this on Netflix and Amazon. You're trying to watch 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:26.639 a show, but then what if I'm missing out on 0:20:26.640 --> 0:20:29.359 another better show? Oh what if I watch that show? 0:20:29.359 --> 0:20:30.960 A let me? And then you spend the whole night 0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:35.640 searching through wasting hours and hours and hours. If you're 0:20:35.680 --> 0:20:38.720 talking to someone, talk to them. If you're trying to 0:20:38.800 --> 0:20:41.920 date someone, date them. Don't keep trying to keep your 0:20:41.960 --> 0:20:46.560 options open and getting confused and overwhelming yourself with the 0:20:46.560 --> 0:20:52.400 paradox of choice. Now, Number six is we let some 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:56.920 of the negativity that comes through online dating precipitate into 0:20:56.960 --> 0:21:02.600 all of our communication with others. So there is sexual harassment, 0:21:03.480 --> 0:21:09.800 there is toxic communication, there is casual dating, if you 0:21:09.840 --> 0:21:12.159 even want to call it that. A lot of people 0:21:12.640 --> 0:21:14.639 are just there for one thing and one thing only, 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:19.280 which we know. The point is that you can't let 0:21:19.320 --> 0:21:21.880 those people and even though it may feel like that's 0:21:21.920 --> 0:21:23.960 all that's on there, you can't let those people stop 0:21:24.000 --> 0:21:27.919 you from something great, right, You just can't. So many 0:21:27.960 --> 0:21:32.919 of us completely right off an opportunity because we have 0:21:33.000 --> 0:21:35.800 some bad experiences. And again I'm not saying that it's good. 0:21:35.840 --> 0:21:38.240 I feel bad if you've had some of those bad experiences, 0:21:38.760 --> 0:21:43.520 but just know that having a bad experience is not 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:47.400 a reason to stop the experiment. Right, Imagine something really 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:49.960 bad happens when you experiment in something. You don't stop 0:21:50.000 --> 0:21:53.160 the experiment because where you want to reach is more 0:21:53.240 --> 0:21:57.760 important than what you've had to go through. Right. When 0:21:57.800 --> 0:22:02.399 a scientist is conducting an expect they're more focused on 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:05.919 where they want to get to rather than to the 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:09.760 idea that the experiment's going wrong. And so I really 0:22:09.760 --> 0:22:12.320 want you to consider that when you're making this decision, 0:22:12.840 --> 0:22:15.240 because I don't want you to write something off because 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:18.200 of those bad experiences. But if you've gone through those 0:22:18.240 --> 0:22:21.480 bad experiences, I want you to know that that's not okay. 0:22:21.960 --> 0:22:24.959 I'm sorry you've had to go through them, and you 0:22:25.040 --> 0:22:28.200 don't have to allow yourself to go through them anymore. 0:22:28.240 --> 0:22:29.800 Like you don't have to stay in that place. You 0:22:29.840 --> 0:22:33.600 don't have to continue to receive that toxic treatment. Right, 0:22:33.640 --> 0:22:36.879 That's not something that you have to tolerate or continue 0:22:36.920 --> 0:22:39.600 to be a part of. If someone is behaving with 0:22:39.640 --> 0:22:42.399 you in that way, you can block that person and 0:22:42.520 --> 0:22:46.440 shut that down. Now, Number seven is something people are 0:22:46.280 --> 0:22:48.520 always scared of. How many times have you ever had 0:22:48.560 --> 0:22:50.560 it where a family member or parents said or don't 0:22:50.600 --> 0:22:52.800 say too much too soon, or don't tell them about this. 0:22:53.680 --> 0:22:56.680 I really believe that it's important to share your priorities. 0:22:57.280 --> 0:22:59.720