Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central Yew.
Speaker 2: New Hampshire.
Speaker 3: It's the States always asking Vermont to do something about
Speaker 3: the weed smell. But today they were the States holding
Speaker 3: the second Democratic Primary. And because normally the most exciting
Speaker 3: thing to do in New Hampshire is watched mountains grow,
Speaker 3: election day gets the people going like nothing else.
Speaker 4: After months of campaigning and millions of dollars in TV ads,
Speaker 4: it all comes down to this. Voters here in New
Speaker 4: Hampshire already heading to the polls overnight. In New Hampshire,
Speaker 4: the first votes were cast in the Granite State, as
Speaker 4: they've done for decades. The tiny town of Dixville Notch
Speaker 4: went to the polls at midnight.
Speaker 5: We were in Exeter, New Hampshire, at the town hall there.
Speaker 6: It was beyond capacity.
Speaker 7: People have been coming in here all day.
Speaker 6: They've been lined up since five am this morning.
Speaker 8: They vote for sport here in New Hampshire.
Speaker 2: I have voted for Warren Steyer.
Speaker 1: Why he's qt No, he seems like he can tackle Trump.
Speaker 2: I voted for Bernie.
Speaker 4: I voted for Ammy clovershar tell me why I actually.
Speaker 3: Went in and eenie meani miney mode it.
Speaker 7: You're kidding between literally in the boot in the booth.
Speaker 3: Whoa eenie meani miney moe. That's not how you should
Speaker 3: pick your potential future president, although it is how the
Speaker 3: president picks his spray.
Speaker 2: Tan shade for the day.
Speaker 3: And it's like ee meenie miney mo ooh crembouleet sounds fancy,
Speaker 3: so fancy so. New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully
Speaker 3: deciding who they want to be the Democratic nominee, but
Speaker 3: of course none of the votes matter if they aren't
Speaker 3: counted correctly Iowa.
Speaker 7: Luckily, according to state.
Speaker 3: Officials, they've got this thing under control.
Speaker 7: New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner. He told us
Speaker 7: he slept well last night and today's voting will be
Speaker 7: simple and secure.
Speaker 9: Keep it simple, keep the moving pots the smallest number
Speaker 9: you can.
Speaker 7: This be hacked in any way.
Speaker 9: It can't hack a pencil.
Speaker 7: How many apps do you have involved in this process?
Speaker 9: We don't have any apps involved in any the tabulating
Speaker 9: of the community apps.
Speaker 7: No app. It's an app free election. You can guarantee that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know.
Speaker 3: It's funny how a few years ago people were like, guys,
Speaker 3: we need to vote with our phones.
Speaker 2: It's the future.
Speaker 3: But now, thanks to the disaster in Iowa, it's like
Speaker 3: we're going back to how our forefathers did.
Speaker 2: It's okay, everyone gets one.
Speaker 7: Rock and we put it in a jar.
Speaker 3: Yeah, then our slaves count the rocks.
Speaker 2: What Oh too far back? Too far? Sorry, sorry, too
Speaker 2: far back for.
Speaker 3: Mall on New Hampshire's big day. We go now to
Speaker 3: our correspondent who is live in the Granite State right now,
Speaker 3: Michael cost everybody, Michael, you're on the ground in New Hampshire.
Speaker 7: What is the energy like?
Speaker 2: Hey, Trevor, I am not gonna lie.
Speaker 10: Today has been pretty stressful for the Democratic candidates. In fact,
Speaker 10: Joe Biden was so tense he gave him self a
Speaker 10: surprise massage.
Speaker 3: Well it makes sense, Costal, because thanks to Iowa, there's
Speaker 3: so much more writing on this primary.
Speaker 10: Well, and not only that, but the candidates have had
Speaker 10: only a one week to completely change their cultural messaging
Speaker 10: because Iowa is mostly white people, but New Hampshire is
Speaker 10: mostly white people.
Speaker 3: Cost I don't get the difference. It sounds like both
Speaker 3: states are just a bunch of white people.
Speaker 10: Wow, Trevor, just a bunch of white people. That is
Speaker 10: so insulting. First off, it's not a bunch. The collective
Speaker 10: noun for white people is a gluten of white people.
Speaker 10: And second, white people are not a monolith. We are
Speaker 10: a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity. Let me show you
Speaker 10: on my Caucasian color wheel. Okay, Now, see the New
Speaker 10: Hampshire white people fall here in the eggshell section, while
Speaker 10: the Iowa whites are all the way over here in
Speaker 10: the oatmeal cream section.
Speaker 3: So that's just basically a blank circle.
Speaker 2: White is not blank.
Speaker 10: Trevor zero is not nothing, free to go is not
Speaker 10: innocent of all charges, although you do you do hear
Speaker 10: that a lot when you're white.
Speaker 2: I mean, how would you feel.
Speaker 10: If I said there was no difference between black people
Speaker 10: in South Africa and black people in what's another country
Speaker 10: with black people? Well, there's this one, this one I
Speaker 10: never heard of it, but I'm sure this one is
Speaker 10: a beautiful country.
Speaker 3: Okay, look, Costla, I'm not saying there's no difference. I
Speaker 3: just don't understand how the candidates campaigned differently in New
Speaker 3: Hampshire versus Iowa.
Speaker 10: It's a totally different ballgame. For example, in Iowa, you
Speaker 10: can say it's great to be here in Iowa, but
Speaker 10: that's not gonna fly in New Hampshire.
Speaker 2: Yeah, are you right? That does seem like a challenge.
Speaker 2: And then there's the voters. Remember, you're talking to very
Speaker 2: different groups of people.
Speaker 10: Iowan's are rule while New Hampshire rites are not urban. Okay,
Speaker 10: Iowans are blue collar, but.
Speaker 2: New Hampshireians are working class.
Speaker 10: Plus, Iowans call it pop and New Hampshire Renos call
Speaker 10: it soda.
Speaker 2: They're basically different planets.
Speaker 3: I don't know about that, Michael. A lot of people
Speaker 3: don't agree with your assessment. For instance, how would you
Speaker 3: respond to the criticism that these predominantly white states aren't
Speaker 3: the best states to kick off the primaries because these
Speaker 3: candidates could be starting in a more representative states of
Speaker 3: the country like California or Florida.
Speaker 10: I hear what you're saying, Trevor, and yes, Iowa and
Speaker 10: New Hampshire are white.
Speaker 2: But hear me up, they're all so boring as hell, Okay,
Speaker 2: And that's what we want.
Speaker 10: We don't want our candidates going to fun states like
Speaker 10: Florida or California. If you got to spend a year
Speaker 10: campaigning in Miami, everyone would be running for president. But
Speaker 10: if you're willing to spend a year eating bland food
Speaker 10: and sub zero temperatures, pretending to care about how big.
Speaker 2: A pumpkin is.
Speaker 10: That's how I know you really want to be president,
Speaker 10: and that's why the road to the White House has
Speaker 10: to go through here Des Moines, Iowa.
Speaker 3: No cost that you're in New Hampshire.
Speaker 2: What who cares? These places are all I can say Anyway.
Speaker 1: I'm here in New Hampshire, the live free or die state,
Speaker 1: and right now it's so cold, I feel like dieting.
Speaker 1: After the DNC shat deved in Iowa's caucuses, New ham
Speaker 1: here is a real chance to be the first state
Speaker 1: in the nation to lead the presidential nomination process. I'm
Speaker 1: here to state capital to find out more cold. The
Speaker 1: only results out of the Iowa CAUCUSUS was just how
Speaker 1: bad they blew it.
Speaker 7: This is an unmitigated disaster.
Speaker 10: It could not be more of a disaster of nightmare, disaster,
Speaker 10: disaster disaster.
Speaker 7: This is the death now.
Speaker 2: If it's not the death now, somebody should get fired.
Speaker 1: So now the pressure is on New Hampshire to get
Speaker 1: it right.
Speaker 8: All eyes now turn to the New Hampshire primary, but.
Speaker 5: It's going to be the most important primary in the cycle.
Speaker 1: I searched the state House to make sure the people
Speaker 1: in child which were heart at work. Hello, what the
Speaker 1: hell is it anybody? This place was emptier than the
Speaker 1: DNC's bowels after they shit all over themselves in Iowa.
Speaker 1: Turns out the governor was calling a very important last
Speaker 1: minute press conference to explain how New Hampshire is the
Speaker 1: best at elections. We hadn't really planned for this, so
Speaker 1: we crashed a pressor TMZ style. Turns out you can
Speaker 1: get in anywhere with a suit and a camera crew.
Speaker 1: You could sense that there was more at stake in
Speaker 1: this primary than usual.
Speaker 2: Our press corsiemsh have grown.
Speaker 1: The governor and what appeared to be all the Democratic
Speaker 1: candidates came out to deliver their remarks. Warren Bernie Yang.
Speaker 1: This press conference had everything. An old man wandering around
Speaker 1: clearly confused, a PowerPoint presentation with voting clip art, and
Speaker 1: of course a guy live streaming this on Facebook for likes.
Speaker 2: Thank very much. We're gonna open it up for questions,
Speaker 2: I think finally.
Speaker 1: The Governor of New Hampshire took out questions. After a
Speaker 1: couple of softballs, I found my chance to ask the
Speaker 1: only question that Americans actually wanted to know, mister governor,
Speaker 1: Mister governor, after the thank you, after the disaster in Iowa,
Speaker 1: are you able to promise the people of New Hampshire
Speaker 1: and the nation that New Hampshire will not pick this up?
Speaker 2: New Hampshire is gonna get it right. We've gone it
Speaker 2: right for one hundred years. We're gonna keep getting it right.
Speaker 1: The Governor's non answer only raised more questions, is the governor,
Speaker 1: if this goes off with out hitch, how do you
Speaker 1: plan on gloating to Iowa? Are you willing to go
Speaker 1: on direcord to say that Iowa sucks and New Hampshire rocks?
Speaker 1: Can you assure your citizens that your votes will be counted?
Speaker 1: A list for Burnan? I guess we'll have to wait
Speaker 1: to get our questions answer just the governor? Who are
Speaker 1: your voting for?
Speaker 5: The governor?
Speaker 1: Will New Hampshire be a corn fed cluster fis like Iowa?
Speaker 1: Only time will tell? But am I excited to get
Speaker 1: out this freezing political pony show hellhole? I vote yes?
Speaker 3: Coming out of the Iowa primary, the big winners were
Speaker 3: Bernie Sanders, Pete Budajees and anyone who didn't build that
Speaker 3: shitty app and last night in New Hampshire. Those top
Speaker 3: two kept them momentum going with.
Speaker 11: A win in New Hampshire Senator Bernie Sanders taking control
Speaker 11: as the Democratic front runner, but not too far behind
Speaker 11: him Pete Budhajet. Despite winning the popular vote in both
Speaker 11: Iowa and New Hampshire, Sanders is behind in the overall
Speaker 11: delegate race by two.
Speaker 4: One of the Knight's other big winners Senator Amy Klobishar,
Speaker 4: who took third place. She capitalized on the moment by
Speaker 4: reintroducing herself to the country.
Speaker 2: Hello America, I'm Amy Klobishar, and I will beat Donald Trump.
Speaker 7: Yes.
Speaker 3: Last night may have been the best night for Bernie
Speaker 3: Sanders since he won that free cruise on Noah's Ark Box.
Speaker 3: New Hampshire's biggest surprise was Amy Clovershaw, who burst into
Speaker 3: the national spotlight with a third place finish. And the
Speaker 3: timing couldn't be better for Clobashaw because in many ways,
Speaker 3: you see the presidential campaigns are like getting drunk at
Speaker 3: a party, right, you want to peak at the right time.
Speaker 2: See the other candidates.
Speaker 3: They had their surge last year, which was too early.
Speaker 3: It's like getting wasted at six pm. Yeah, because by
Speaker 3: the time the party's really going, you're puking in the
Speaker 3: bushes like.
Speaker 7: I'm so sorry I didn't base myself.
Speaker 3: I promise I'll do better in zelth Garrolina. So there's
Speaker 3: no denying that New Hampshire was great for Amy Klobshar's campaign,
Speaker 3: and it was also a great night for newspeople who
Speaker 3: love wordplay.
Speaker 12: Senator Amy Klobashar wrote, the clonmentum are you feeling clomentum?
Speaker 8: Clomentum is real and she has it a cloba surge.
Speaker 1: Cloementum, clmentum, cloementum, clobeew charged clothew surge.
Speaker 4: Is there clomentum?
Speaker 2: Oh this is fun. I want to try. I want
Speaker 2: to try.
Speaker 1: It's clover ring time.
Speaker 12: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she gave them the old cloperdope. Yeah.
Speaker 3: New Hampshire has an outbreak of clonemdia.
Speaker 2: All right, I'm done.
Speaker 3: I'm done.
Speaker 2: I'm done.
Speaker 3: I'm done.
Speaker 2: She killed it like Cloe J. Simsid. Okay, I'm done,
Speaker 2: I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.
Speaker 3: No more, no more, no more, no more. So for
Speaker 3: Bernie Budajet and Clobashow, New Hampshire was a dream, but
Speaker 3: unfortunately for some other big name candidates. It turned into
Speaker 3: a nightmare.
Speaker 4: Another major New Hampshire headline. The candidates who fell far behind,
Speaker 4: including longtime national front runner Joe Biden and Senator Elizabeth Warren,
Speaker 4: both failed to get enough votes to earn any delegates.
Speaker 4: Before the race was called, Biden, who placed fifth, was
Speaker 4: on a plane to South Carolina, which will hold the
Speaker 4: nation's next primary.
Speaker 2: Biden saw the writing on the wall.
Speaker 13: He had left even before the polls had closed, live
Speaker 13: streaming into his campaign's New Hampshire watch party.
Speaker 3: Oh, Joe Biden left New Hampshire before the polls we
Speaker 3: even closed. I mean, I've heard of fans leaving the
Speaker 3: game early, but you know it's bad when the team
Speaker 3: leaves early to beat the traffic. The coach is just like,
Speaker 3: all right, guys, screw the fourth carter, let's just start
Speaker 3: the bus. I also feel especially bad for Biden supporters.
Speaker 3: I'll say that, think about it. You came all the
Speaker 3: way out to see your candidate and then instead all
Speaker 3: you get is a video. I imagine you were in
Speaker 3: like the dentist chair and your doctor pops up on
Speaker 3: the screen like Aloha from Hawaii. Here are three simple
Speaker 3: steps to perform your own root canal. So while Biden
Speaker 3: supporters wept frozen New Hampshire tears, the man himself was
Speaker 3: already in South Carolina looking toward the future.
Speaker 7: Joe Biden spent his night in South Carolina.
Speaker 4: His campaign is staking survival on his strength with black voters.
Speaker 13: I want y'all thank you a number ninety nine point
Speaker 13: nine percent. That's the percentage of African American voters who
Speaker 13: have not yet had a chance to.
Speaker 7: Vote in America.
Speaker 13: Up till now, we haven't heard from the most commitic
Speaker 13: constitutes of the Democratic Party, the African American community.
Speaker 3: That's right, Joe Biden's campaign has basically become a Medea movie.
Speaker 3: If black people don't turn up, it's toast. And even
Speaker 3: though he's desperate, Biden does make a good point.
Speaker 2: It is a little weird.
Speaker 6: You have to admit.
Speaker 3: It is a little weird that the story of the
Speaker 3: Democratic race has now been written by two states that
Speaker 3: aren't representative of the Democratic Party. I think about it,
Speaker 3: two overwhelmingly white states shape who the Democratic nominee will be.
Speaker 3: Then that's long before minority voters have had their say.
Speaker 3: It's almost as if the Democratic Party is having a
Speaker 3: buffet but then white people get to pick the menu,
Speaker 3: you know, and if you're black, that sucks because you
Speaker 3: get there and you're just like, man, what the hell
Speaker 3: is their raisins and everything? Man?
Speaker 2: And who is broccoli?
Speaker 14: Rob?
Speaker 3: So that's where the race stands off to two primaries,
Speaker 3: Buddhajees and Bernie on neck and neck, and all the
Speaker 3: other candidates are hoping for a boost in Nevada and
Speaker 3: South Carolina. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time for
Speaker 3: us to go away for a commercial break.
Speaker 2: Get it, get it, hright, we'll be right back.
Speaker 5: Now that you know who won, we want to give
Speaker 5: you a flavor the excitement up in New Hampshire.
Speaker 6: We're gonna go now live to our senior political analyst,
Speaker 6: Stephen Colbert. Now, Stephen, thanks for joining us. You're actually
Speaker 6: in Dicksville, Notch, New Hampshire, and that's the town that
Speaker 6: traditionally casts the first votes of the primary at midnight
Speaker 6: the night before.
Speaker 8: Yes, John, fascinating story behind that tradition.
Speaker 2: I can only assume, person of.
Speaker 6: All, Stephen, glad to see you're all bundled up. It
Speaker 6: must it must be awfully called up there.
Speaker 8: Oh, yes, John, Oh for a witch's tit with which
Speaker 8: to warm myself on this historic New Hampshire evening.
Speaker 6: So cold you can't even see your breath.
Speaker 2: It's to cold, John.
Speaker 6: Now, Stephen, do you think this clearly very.
Speaker 5: Nasty weather will affect the outcome of the primary?
Speaker 8: Oh not really, John, Carrie, Dean Clark, Lieberman. Their people
Speaker 8: have worked far too hard to let a little cold
Speaker 8: weather keep them from the polling stations.
Speaker 6: And what about Edwards?
Speaker 8: His people are pussies, John. Anything below forty degrees they
Speaker 8: just go back to bed.
Speaker 2: Oh lord, it pull up the new Bay.
Speaker 8: I'm a hothouse flower whose roots are getting frosted.
Speaker 6: Stephen, and talking with people they as I love the
Speaker 6: voting Bruce.
Speaker 5: What's struck you most about the mood of these voters?
Speaker 8: I would say the anger, John, Democrats here are very angry.
Speaker 6: The president know it.
Speaker 8: Me, John, Me and my fellow journalists. You see, locals
Speaker 8: know that. To those of us in the press corps,
Speaker 8: New hampshiretes are merely the people whom we ambush outside
Speaker 8: PTA meetings, extracting sound bites from reluctant dairy farmers whose
Speaker 8: opinions we will discard like yesterday's bum wipe man on
Speaker 8: the streeting them in sub zero weather on their way
Speaker 8: to refill their insolent prescriptions and exit, polling the elderly
Speaker 8: for hours. Hours they'll never get back, hours they could
Speaker 8: have spent loving their grandchildren.
Speaker 6: Why do they put up with that?
Speaker 2: Oh?
Speaker 8: Who knows what's going on in their chowdered heads.
Speaker 10: John.
Speaker 8: All I do know is every four years these beflanneled
Speaker 8: granite staters give me the footage I need that I
Speaker 8: then send to you so that you will send me
Speaker 8: a check, and that well, I will never repay them.
Speaker 6: John, Thank you, Steven, stay warm, Stephen Colbert. In New Hampshire,
Speaker 6: we're now.
Speaker 5: Ready to go public with the results of the New
Speaker 5: Hampshire primary.
Speaker 13: Course.
Speaker 5: Can I help it if we're a machine? So let's
Speaker 5: take a look.
Speaker 6: On the Republican side.
Speaker 5: Arizona Senator John McCain was the big winner, earning a
Speaker 5: stunning nineteen percent upset victory.
Speaker 6: Over George W.
Speaker 5: Bush, thus following in the triumphant footsteps of political dynamos
Speaker 5: Pat Buchanan and Paul Sungus and now the next President
Speaker 5: of New Hampshire.
Speaker 12: A woman stood up and looked me straight in the eye.
Speaker 12: It's extremely important, she said, that the next president of
Speaker 12: the United States always tell me the.
Speaker 5: Truth, to which McCain replied, A. I was drunk last night,
Speaker 5: and B I'm not gonna call you.
Speaker 6: Taking the stage with a victorious McCain.
Speaker 5: Was his wife's face hovering above a sea of radiant blue.
Speaker 5: For his part, Bush was quick to dismiss the importance
Speaker 5: of Tuesday's results.
Speaker 14: The road to the Republican nomination and the White House
Speaker 14: is a long road. Mine will go through all fifty states,
Speaker 14: and I intended to end at sixteen hundred Pennsylvania Avenue.
Speaker 5: Where it's widely believed he will be locked out by
Speaker 5: whoever lives there.
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