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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome back to another new episode of

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Speaker 1: Couch Talks on You Need Therapy. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and I am the host. Here. Couch Talks is the

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Speaker 1: special bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer

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Speaker 1: questions that you, the listeners, send into me, and you

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Speaker 1: can send those into Catherine at You Need Therapy podcast

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Speaker 1: dot com and maybe one day I will get to

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Speaker 1: your question. So usually I answer questions that, like I said,

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Speaker 1: you send into that email. However, last week I put

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Speaker 1: an instant pull out when I was well, I guess

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Speaker 1: this is a couple of weeks ago, when I was

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Speaker 1: in isolation from having COVID, I had some time on

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Speaker 1: my hands, so I did an Instagram question box and

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Speaker 1: you guys sent in tons of questions and really good questions,

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Speaker 1: some that were even too complicated for me to answer

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Speaker 1: on Instagram. So I kept a lot of them and

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Speaker 1: I might pull some of them into couch Talks, which

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Speaker 1: is what I'm doing today. So before we get into this,

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Speaker 1: like usual, just want to remind you guys that I

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Speaker 1: am a therapist, and at the same time, this is

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Speaker 1: not therapy. This is just a therapist talking to you

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Speaker 1: and you'll find if you go to therapy, or maybe

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Speaker 1: you just are starting to listen to a lot of

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Speaker 1: mental health stuff. Therapists don't actually give advice. They help

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Speaker 1: you kind of figure out what you need. And sometimes

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Speaker 1: I might answer questions and actually give you an answer.

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Speaker 1: A lot of times I'm asking you questions back and

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Speaker 1: helping you figure out what you need based on this

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Speaker 1: like pseudo conversation we're having over a podcast. So I

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Speaker 1: just wanted to throw that out there as always that

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Speaker 1: this is not a replacement for actual mental health services,

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Speaker 1: but let's get into it. Also another side note, a

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Speaker 1: lot of people in this question box, and I still

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Speaker 1: get these emails all the time, and I still get

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Speaker 1: these d m s all the time. A lot of

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Speaker 1: people ask me how to find a therapist over and

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Speaker 1: over again. And I love that question because I love

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Speaker 1: that you want to go to therapy. And I actually

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Speaker 1: have a slide on the you Need Therapy podcast page

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Speaker 1: at you Need Therapy Podcast that is also on my Highlights,

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Speaker 1: so you can just go to that page and it's

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Speaker 1: at the top that answers this question for everybody. This

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Speaker 1: question is very valid, and I have new people on

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Speaker 1: here all the time, so I totally get that you've

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Speaker 1: missed when I've actually answered that on couch Shocks, because

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Speaker 1: I've actually done that one or two times as well.

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Speaker 1: So I want to continue to be able to be

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Speaker 1: a resource for you to ask that question. But because

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Speaker 1: I've already answered it, I want to link that Instagram

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Speaker 1: post in the show notes, you guys can go to

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Speaker 1: that and and check that out and you already have

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Speaker 1: an answer there. And also, as much as I would

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Speaker 1: love to be able to do this, I cannot individually

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Speaker 1: help everyone find a therapist in your area, especially if

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Speaker 1: you don't live in the Nashville area. I really don't know.

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Speaker 1: I sometimes have connections and have resources that I can

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Speaker 1: reach out to when I'm trying to find resources for

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Speaker 1: clients and stuff like that, And at the same time,

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Speaker 1: like I really am not connected to like a large

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Speaker 1: pool of therapists all over the country. So if you

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Speaker 1: are looking for a referral for me for somebody in

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Speaker 1: your area, I most likely don't have that. So just

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Speaker 1: go to that post and read those tips and hopefully

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Speaker 1: those can help you find that this question in particular

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Speaker 1: is and was asking about narcissism. I also have a

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Speaker 1: whole episode on this that I highly recommend you listening

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Speaker 1: to that. I will also link. But this question was

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Speaker 1: speaking to what to do when you have a family

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Speaker 1: member who continues to reach out and write letters to

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Speaker 1: you and ask you to be in a relationship with

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Speaker 1: them or have a relationship with them, over and over,

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Speaker 1: but they never actually make any changes and you continuously

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Speaker 1: get hurt. So I'm just going to assume that a

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Speaker 1: lot of you are like, oh my gosh, that feels

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Speaker 1: like me. Even if you don't have somebody writing letters

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Speaker 1: to you, might have some continuously texting you or just

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Speaker 1: reaching out to you or doing something. And this is

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Speaker 1: a really tough spot to be in. So I'm going

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Speaker 1: to be pretty general in answering this question. Now. In

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Speaker 1: the episode that I already did that goes into depth

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Speaker 1: about narcissism and empt, I talk about the difference of

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Speaker 1: having traits of narcissism, which we basically all have and

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Speaker 1: somewhat need to survive in the world, and being narcissistic

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Speaker 1: and actually having narcissistic personality disorder. We throw this label

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Speaker 1: out way too much these days on basically like anybody

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Speaker 1: who's an asshole. So I'm going to answer this question

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Speaker 1: with the assumption that this person really does have a

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Speaker 1: diagnosable case of MPD, meaning that they meet the requirements

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Speaker 1: in the d S M five and have truly a

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Speaker 1: lack of empathy towards other people. Very simply to answer

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Speaker 1: this question in the most general way, you do what

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Speaker 1: you need to do to feel safe, no questions asked. Like,

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Speaker 1: you do what you need to do to feel safe,

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Speaker 1: and if it feels extreme, that's okay, because when you're

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Speaker 1: dealing with somebody like this, it is abnormal and it

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Speaker 1: is extreme, and so a lot of times it takes

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Speaker 1: extreme behaviors to protect yourself. And I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people are like, I don't want to be dramatic,

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Speaker 1: or I don't want to be this, or I don't

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Speaker 1: want to be that, but like, this is a dramatic situation.

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Speaker 1: Having somebody like this in your life is something that

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Speaker 1: will require actions and behaviors and boundaries that you don't

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Speaker 1: need with healthy, regulated humans. This is where also actions

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Speaker 1: become immensely more important than promises and words. A lot

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Speaker 1: of us are words people. I think that words of

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Speaker 1: affirmation is the most common love language that there is

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Speaker 1: out there. However, was someone who has narcissistic personality disorder.

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Speaker 1: Words are one of their most magical tools. And let

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Speaker 1: me remind you, guys, and maybe you haven't heard this yet,

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Speaker 1: but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing

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Speaker 1: over and over and over and over again expect geting

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Speaker 1: a different result. And if we do this dance with somebody,

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Speaker 1: if we do this thing where it's like, you hurt me, Okay,

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Speaker 1: I take you back, you hurt me. I promise that

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Speaker 1: I will do better. I'm so sorry, I'm this bad

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Speaker 1: person and I love you so much. Okay, I'll take

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Speaker 1: you back. You hurt me. I'm so sorry. If we

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Speaker 1: do this dance over and over and over again thinking

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Speaker 1: that at some point it's going to be different, we

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Speaker 1: are creating an insane cycle. Also, there's no rules somewhere

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Speaker 1: that says to be a good person you have to

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Speaker 1: give people unlimited chances to change. If someone hurts us,

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Speaker 1: we get to decide if they are allowed back in

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Speaker 1: our lives. On strike one. You don't have to wait

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Speaker 1: until strike three or four or five or six or

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Speaker 1: seven or eight or nine. You can have one thing

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Speaker 1: happened and you'd be like, I'm I'm not that's not

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Speaker 1: for me. I think that everybody just wants to be

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Speaker 1: a good person, and we want to give people the

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Speaker 1: benefit of the doubt. And I say everybody if that's

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Speaker 1: just me, but I know that I always want to

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Speaker 1: give people the benefit of the doubt because there's just

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Speaker 1: part of me that that wants to believe that everybody

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Speaker 1: in insittically is good and everybody can be born good

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Speaker 1: and people can be bad for us. So the other

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Speaker 1: thing is to essentially cut people out of our lives.

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Speaker 1: They don't have to have a personality disorder. They can

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Speaker 1: just be somebody that doesn't fit well with what we

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Speaker 1: need and what we can handle on what feels right

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Speaker 1: to us. But that's kind of a whole different conversation.

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Speaker 1: So this really comes down to boundaries. It sounds like

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Speaker 1: this person already made the decision that they don't want

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Speaker 1: this person in their lives, but the letters keep coming in.

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Speaker 1: So again, you do whatever you need to do to

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Speaker 1: feel safe. You block email, you return to sender the letters,

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Speaker 1: or you throw them out. Do not read these letters.

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Speaker 1: This is where like I'm like bordering on I don't

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Speaker 1: give people advice. If I was going to give you advice,

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Speaker 1: do not read these letters, because, like I said, words

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Speaker 1: of affirmation might be you're like love language, and they

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Speaker 1: know what to say, how to say it, when to

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Speaker 1: say it, and this can become a trap for you

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Speaker 1: if you do the so over and over, these letters

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Speaker 1: can become like junk mail that you're just like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this thing again, and you get rid of it. This

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Speaker 1: thing again, and you get rid of it. People that

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Speaker 1: have narcissistic personality disorder are usually very, very very intelligent.

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Speaker 1: They are cunning, they are manipulative. They know what to do,

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Speaker 1: when to do it, how to do it. They know

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Speaker 1: how to pull emotions without getting their emotions involved, but

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Speaker 1: they know how to make you think their emotions are involved.

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Speaker 1: And they know you probably well enough to know what

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Speaker 1: to say, how to say it, and how to make

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Speaker 1: you think that just maybe you should give in. And

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Speaker 1: they also have a beautiful way of making it look

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Speaker 1: like things are your fault, like all of a sudden,

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Speaker 1: you feel all this guilt because you're the one making

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Speaker 1: it impossible for you to have a loving relationship with

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Speaker 1: this person, and you have to remember, Nope, this is

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Speaker 1: not me, and yeah, you may be the one holding

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Speaker 1: the line now, but this is a consequence to their actions,

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Speaker 1: not yours, and may I add, and this goes to

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Speaker 1: everyone about everything. You do not need people to agree

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Speaker 1: with your choices for them to be right choices you

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Speaker 1: don't you need to agree with them. That's it. So

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Speaker 1: you need to do what you need to do to

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Speaker 1: feel safe. You have to worry about your needs first

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Speaker 1: and every else's needs second. And I know this is hard,

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Speaker 1: but if a relationship is costing your mental health, what's

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Speaker 1: the point of the relationship. If it's costing your mental health,

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Speaker 1: what is the point Because then you have this relationship

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Speaker 1: but you have horrible mental health. Think about it. So

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Speaker 1: to answer this question again very simply, you do what

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Speaker 1: you need to do to feel safe. The thing about

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Speaker 1: people with narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder, I should say,

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Speaker 1: is one of the things that they do so well

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Speaker 1: is play this role of this caring person. But a

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Speaker 1: mandatory trait of this disorder, of this personality disorder, is

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Speaker 1: a lack of empathy. So they may look like they

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Speaker 1: have this desire and true like care and love and

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Speaker 1: there's this hole in their heart without you, But this

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Speaker 1: is you usually a role they're playing in order to

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Speaker 1: get you back in their good graces because they need

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Speaker 1: people to look at them as these good people. That's

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Speaker 1: how they get their self worth and their value. But

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Speaker 1: it's a role, Like I'm telling you these people a

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Speaker 1: lot of times, which is so wild to think about

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Speaker 1: a lot of people with narcissistic personalities or actually have

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Speaker 1: jobs and like things like nonprofits or do these do

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Speaker 1: good organizations. But this is just a way for them

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Speaker 1: to create this image of this good person. So they

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Speaker 1: might be able to do like an interview where they're

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Speaker 1: like crying and having all this like what looks like

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Speaker 1: real emotion, but they're like actors and that's actually not real.

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Speaker 1: And it's a way for them to create this image

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Speaker 1: in your head of this good person. So then when

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Speaker 1: you are like, oh, I'm doing this thing and taking

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Speaker 1: care of myself, you look back to that and you're like,

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Speaker 1: but they're so good, how could they? Of course they are, like,

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Speaker 1: of course, blah blah. I can't even say my words

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Speaker 1: straight right now because I'm just getting in the tangled

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Speaker 1: web myself. But you know what I mean. So you

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Speaker 1: just have to remember that, and you have to remember,

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Speaker 1: how do I feel in this relationship? Is this worth it? No?

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Speaker 1: That I need to do what I need to do

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Speaker 1: to feel safe. Also, if you're ever wondering how to

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Speaker 1: tell if you are in a relationship with somebody with

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Speaker 1: a personality disorder, a simple question I just asked myself,

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Speaker 1: is do I feel crazy? Huh? Then that might be

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Speaker 1: a red flag because most likely you didn't feel crazy

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Speaker 1: before this relationship. So when you start to feel crazy,

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Speaker 1: when your head starts spinning, hey, maybe this is a

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Speaker 1: red flag. So do what you need to do to

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Speaker 1: feel safe. If it feels extreme, that's okay because extreme

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Speaker 1: measures are needed to be taken when you're working with

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Speaker 1: extreme behavior. And uh, I think that does it. Think

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Speaker 1: we're gonna wrap it up there, Thank you for that question.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually working on getting some more content and some

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Speaker 1: more episodes out around narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder and

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Speaker 1: all that stuff. So stay tuned for that, and I

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Speaker 1: hope you guys are having the day you need to have.

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Speaker 1: I am in Disney World right now with my family.

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Speaker 1: I went actually in surprise my two little nieces. They

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Speaker 1: didn't know it was coming. Right now, as I'm recording this,

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Speaker 1: it hasn't happened yet, but I'm going to surprise them,

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Speaker 1: and I'm so excited, so I hope you're having the

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Speaker 1: day that you need to have. I'm most likely I'm

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Speaker 1: having the day that I need to have, and I

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Speaker 1: will talk to you guys again on Monday.