WEBVTT - An Addict’s Journey 0:00:05.800 --> 0:00:09.240 I'm Greg Glot and this is the War on Drugs. 0:00:11.240 --> 0:00:14.760 Here we go, episode ten. We are reaching the end 0:00:14.760 --> 0:00:17.360 of our war on drugs journey Man, final chapter of 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:20.319 season one. Yeah, yeah, we're getting down to that last 0:00:20.400 --> 0:00:23.160 little piece man, that the last little piece of blunt 0:00:23.239 --> 0:00:28.720 left man is the roach. Yeah, but sometimes it is 0:00:28.760 --> 0:00:31.360 the most potent part, and it's the most hard hitting part. 0:00:31.400 --> 0:00:34.040 And I think that's what this episode is today. What 0:00:34.159 --> 0:00:38.600 a beautiful metaphor, Clayton, you ever, Hey, hey, sometimes things 0:00:38.640 --> 0:00:43.160 just come together nice. But I think at this point 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:45.000 in our journey Man, we gotta ask, and I think 0:00:45.000 --> 0:00:47.319 you're the right person asked this question too. How long 0:00:47.360 --> 0:00:50.280 are we going to continue to keep treating addicts like criminals. 0:00:51.159 --> 0:00:52.880 I always like to have an answer for you, Clayton, 0:00:52.920 --> 0:00:56.200 if you ask me statistics and this or that, or 0:00:56.200 --> 0:00:58.600 what's legal? What's the schedule one drug? I'll give it 0:00:58.600 --> 0:01:00.880 to you. But it's got to the point where that's 0:01:00.880 --> 0:01:04.160 what I expect from you. I expect nothing less. Well, 0:01:04.240 --> 0:01:07.800 you should really lower your expectations at this point with me, Man, 0:01:07.920 --> 0:01:09.680 I mean, I wish I had a good answer. Um. 0:01:09.840 --> 0:01:11.679 I think we're getting closer, but I don't think we're 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:15.360 there yet. I think more and more people are understanding addiction. 0:01:15.560 --> 0:01:20.160 But man, the war on drugs, it's not just the incarceration, 0:01:20.319 --> 0:01:22.440 it's not just the civil fortune, it's not all these 0:01:22.440 --> 0:01:25.280 things that we've talked about, the policies. It really is 0:01:25.319 --> 0:01:29.080 the social fabric of our country and how it hasn't 0:01:29.160 --> 0:01:32.039 been ingrained because we've just been hit with this propaganda 0:01:32.080 --> 0:01:34.920 machine for you know, over one hundred years now, and 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:38.000 that's really really hard. It's gonna take a long time. 0:01:38.040 --> 0:01:41.280 But hopefully podcasts like this more people speaking, you know, 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:43.720 people like Morgan Godman our guests today, you know, kind 0:01:43.720 --> 0:01:46.560 of telling her story and understanding the tragedy of the 0:01:46.640 --> 0:01:49.280 drug war and how it touches on some of the things. 0:01:49.320 --> 0:01:51.480 Hopefully that'll help, you know, maybe maybe it's not just 0:01:51.600 --> 0:01:54.840 one answer. But I think Morgan actually she shows us 0:01:55.200 --> 0:01:58.520 from the top to the bottom, or should I say 0:01:58.520 --> 0:02:01.360 the bottom to the top, how this were on drugs, 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:04.240 like affects people and everything that we've talked about in 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:08.400 previous episodes I think are highlighted and illustrated in her story. 0:02:08.600 --> 0:02:11.960 So today we're gonna do something a little different, you know. 0:02:12.160 --> 0:02:14.160 I know, most of the time, as us and the 0:02:14.240 --> 0:02:17.120 guests and we're jumping in there and stuff. But today 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:19.160 we're just gonna get out the way. Man. We're gonna 0:02:19.200 --> 0:02:20.880 get out the way, because this is a story that 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:25.799 you need to hear, uninterrupted, unfiltered, and from the mouth 0:02:25.840 --> 0:02:28.920 of the person who lived it. Yeah, bad news you 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:31.800 don't get to hear Clayton's smooth, soulful voice. Good news, 0:02:31.840 --> 0:02:34.240 you don't have to hear my nasally deviated, septing voice 0:02:34.240 --> 0:02:36.600 for the next thirty minutes. So, and we're going to 0:02:36.680 --> 0:02:39.880 steal an idea from Jason Flom, who you may remember 0:02:39.960 --> 0:02:42.440 from one of our quick fixes. He's, you know, the 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:45.160 has his own podcast, Wrongful Convictions, where he does amazing 0:02:45.240 --> 0:02:47.800 work helping get people exonerated. He has a thing on 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:50.680 there called closing Arguments where he allows for the experts 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:52.320 and guests that he's brought on to kind of have 0:02:52.400 --> 0:02:54.799 that final word. And we're going to kind of take 0:02:54.840 --> 0:02:56.919 that and expand on it and give that final word 0:02:56.919 --> 0:02:59.040 to Morgan for the next you know, thirty thirty five 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:01.840 minutes for y'all to kind of hear her journey, because 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:03.400 I think that's gonna be the best way to really 0:03:03.440 --> 0:03:06.160 hear this and really wrap up this season with a 0:03:06.200 --> 0:03:09.760 real life example of you know, tragedy and triumph. So yeah, 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:28.240 we'll let Morgan take it away. I always felt like 0:03:28.280 --> 0:03:31.520 a fairly upstanding citizen, and it wasn't always easy to 0:03:31.680 --> 0:03:34.880 maintain that. During heroin addiction. There was times when I 0:03:34.920 --> 0:03:36.960 had no money and I would think, well, should I shoplift? 0:03:37.160 --> 0:03:40.280 Should I steal? I just couldn't do it. I watched 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:42.400 some of my friends go there, and I knew it 0:03:42.440 --> 0:03:44.720 wasn't for me. I would pick up an extra shift 0:03:44.720 --> 0:03:47.240 at the Dominoes and I would make it, and I 0:03:47.240 --> 0:03:50.200 always made it, and I never turned to other forms 0:03:50.200 --> 0:03:57.240 of crime, and it didn't matter. The first time I 0:03:57.240 --> 0:04:00.240 tried to kill myself, I was eleven years old. Is 0:04:00.560 --> 0:04:05.080 a painfully awkward and shy child. Had I came of 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:07.840 age now, I would have probably been diagnosed as being 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:11.120 on the spectrum definitely neurodivergen. I don't care to label 0:04:11.160 --> 0:04:13.920 it anymore because I'm grown and my life is fine. 0:04:14.080 --> 0:04:18.120 Definitely had social issues, severe social issues, severe mental health issues. 0:04:18.400 --> 0:04:20.280 There was violence in my household, just you know, the 0:04:20.360 --> 0:04:24.240 standard round the mill stuff. I had a middle class background, 0:04:24.360 --> 0:04:26.599 but then was cast into sudden poverty at the age 0:04:26.600 --> 0:04:29.479 of sixteen, my mom had a gambling addiction and was 0:04:29.520 --> 0:04:34.200 caught embezzling and her house was foreclose. By the time 0:04:34.240 --> 0:04:37.640 I was sixteen, I had found the drug subculture. We 0:04:37.680 --> 0:04:42.000 had ecstasy pills, then cocaine, and then this girl who 0:04:42.040 --> 0:04:45.839 had broken her leg riding horses had forty miligram oxycon 0:04:45.880 --> 0:04:47.760 bills and she said, I'll trade you two of mine 0:04:47.839 --> 0:04:52.000 for two years ecstasy. I'm like, yeah, sure, and we 0:04:52.120 --> 0:04:54.560 do the trade. That is the first time I tried 0:04:54.560 --> 0:04:56.880 to oxycotton, and I just crushed it up with the 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:58.919 coating on and all I didn't no better, snored it, 0:04:59.040 --> 0:05:02.000 and I remember thinking, why did I ever do cocaine? 0:05:02.680 --> 0:05:06.560 This is so much better. Come to find out, oxyconton 0:05:06.600 --> 0:05:08.600 was actually really expensive and so we couldn't afford to 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:10.080 do it that much. I was already working as a 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:12.320 pizza delivery driver. This was right after I turned eighteen 0:05:12.400 --> 0:05:16.960 years old. And my friend Justin's we went to high 0:05:16.960 --> 0:05:19.440 school together, and I meet him and he sells oxyconton. 0:05:19.520 --> 0:05:22.360 That's like how he makes his living. Justin was like, yo, 0:05:22.440 --> 0:05:24.359 that's a lot of money that you just spent, and like, 0:05:24.760 --> 0:05:27.200 I'm here to make money, but you're my actual friend, 0:05:27.720 --> 0:05:31.040 you know, there's an alternative, right, And he showed us 0:05:31.040 --> 0:05:35.080 how to smoke heroin on foil and I was like, oh, 0:05:35.120 --> 0:05:40.159 my god, and my own my mind exploded. When I 0:05:40.200 --> 0:05:43.320 was sixteen and there was no food in the house, 0:05:43.880 --> 0:05:46.360 I dropped out of high school to go work full 0:05:46.400 --> 0:05:49.080 time at McDonald's because I had to eat, and so 0:05:49.160 --> 0:05:51.960 life was pretty miserable, and so drugs were an escape 0:05:52.000 --> 0:05:54.080 for that day. And they were pretty fun, you know what. 0:05:54.279 --> 0:05:56.880 They worked quite well in the beginning and for a 0:05:56.880 --> 0:05:59.520 long time. Honestly, drugs work. That's why people doing them, 0:06:00.000 --> 0:06:03.800 and it gave me something to look forward to. People 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:09.799 are medicating emotional pain they've learned maladaptive coping mechanisms. Most often, 0:06:09.880 --> 0:06:13.279 addiction is a response to childhood trauma are sometimes adult trauma, 0:06:13.320 --> 0:06:18.400 but especially adverse childhood experiences. Then the societal response to 0:06:18.440 --> 0:06:22.440 that is traumatizing you further and then sitting and scratching 0:06:22.440 --> 0:06:26.360 our heads like, well, why isn't it working? That pain 0:06:27.400 --> 0:06:31.400 existential dread, physical pain, emotional pain. That's why people are using. 0:06:32.160 --> 0:06:36.320 We try to punish the hurt out of people. You 0:06:36.440 --> 0:06:42.680 cannot punish the hurt out of people. I worked in 0:06:42.680 --> 0:06:45.559 the hood as close as you know, portlandis has a hood. 0:06:46.440 --> 0:06:49.479 I'm in my Dominance uniform. I remember my boss needed 0:06:49.480 --> 0:06:51.680 to cut one of the delivery drivers and I volunteered, 0:06:51.680 --> 0:06:53.559 and I regretted that for the rest of my life. 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:58.200 Then my friend Tim, who works at the bar two 0:06:58.200 --> 0:07:00.559 streets down, he texts me. He says, I'm so sick. 0:07:00.640 --> 0:07:03.120 I'm sick at work. Please come. I don't get off 0:07:03.200 --> 0:07:05.359 until two am. He's a bartender, can you get me 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:11.040 through my shift? And I was like okay. And there 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:13.920 I am in my Domino's uniform, sitting in my car 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:16.720 and the parking lot of this really grungy dive bar, 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:19.080 cooking a shot and I have these big over the 0:07:19.160 --> 0:07:21.560 ear headphones on because I'm watching How I Met Your 0:07:21.560 --> 0:07:24.480 Mother on my phone, and so I gets stuck in 0:07:24.520 --> 0:07:28.840 my dash and I'm just like cooking Dana Da And 0:07:28.840 --> 0:07:35.320 then I just remember and I looked to my left 0:07:35.360 --> 0:07:37.920 and it's a thick and Portland police officer and I 0:07:38.000 --> 0:07:42.280 know right then I am going to jail. And the 0:07:42.440 --> 0:07:44.600 police support's funny because I had like drawn up the 0:07:44.600 --> 0:07:47.680 heroine in the syringe as he was knocking on my 0:07:47.760 --> 0:07:50.000 door and he's like step out of the car. I 0:07:50.120 --> 0:07:52.559 squirted it on the ground and he tried to arrest 0:07:52.560 --> 0:07:55.200 me for obstruction of evidence for that, and the DA 0:07:55.280 --> 0:07:58.400 declined to prosecute. But then I had a Graham or 0:07:58.480 --> 0:08:01.120 just let's send a Graham hidden in my car, like 0:08:01.920 --> 0:08:04.160 it was about eighty dollars worth of heroin, twenty four 0:08:04.160 --> 0:08:06.720 hours worth of heroin, and so that's what they gave 0:08:06.760 --> 0:08:15.200 me the felony four. I just want to clarify, being 0:08:15.840 --> 0:08:18.960 addicted to heroin is synonymous with being a hardened criminal 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:20.640 in the eyes of the law. No one was accusing 0:08:20.640 --> 0:08:23.080 me of being a drug dealer at that time. All 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:27.160 they were accusing me of was simple drug possession and 0:08:27.320 --> 0:08:30.120 that's all that it takes in the United States to 0:08:30.240 --> 0:08:36.120 be considered a hardened criminal. But it's Portland, right, so progressive. 0:08:36.440 --> 0:08:39.199 So they put me into the kinder, gentler to alternative 0:08:39.240 --> 0:08:43.600 to incarceration drug court. I ended up going to jail 0:08:44.120 --> 0:08:47.480 over and over and over because I couldn't stop doing heroin. 0:08:47.559 --> 0:08:49.240 But I did everything else that they asked me to do. 0:08:49.320 --> 0:08:51.320 I would go to my groups, I would meet with 0:08:51.360 --> 0:08:52.960 my po I would pee in their cup and it 0:08:52.960 --> 0:08:55.839 would be positive for her. But I'm like, but hey, 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:59.360 look I'm engaging. I'm here, but I was still using 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.800 That didn't work for them. They didn't like that. So 0:09:03.960 --> 0:09:06.480 call it which you want to call it. Drug court 0:09:06.600 --> 0:09:09.720 is just an extension of the war on drugs. I mean, 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:12.680 I'm jumping through their hoops because at the time I 0:09:12.800 --> 0:09:15.600 hadn't yet been convicted of the felony. He was still pending. Right, 0:09:15.640 --> 0:09:17.880 it was deferred. So as long as you jump through 0:09:17.920 --> 0:09:19.720 all our hoops for a year and a half and 0:09:19.840 --> 0:09:25.480 we'll dismiss it. So I'm jumping through their hoops. I'd 0:09:25.480 --> 0:09:28.520 done twenty eight days in impatient with my car parked 0:09:28.559 --> 0:09:32.520 out front of the treatment center. I'm out in Washington County. 0:09:32.720 --> 0:09:35.680 I get pulled over, he said, wavering within the lane, 0:09:35.679 --> 0:09:37.680 which is a fun one that they love to use, 0:09:38.559 --> 0:09:42.560 like suspicion of d y. The officer asked me to 0:09:42.559 --> 0:09:44.959 search my car. No, sir, I did not consent to searches. 0:09:45.320 --> 0:09:47.640 Over and over starts threatening me, says he's going to 0:09:47.679 --> 0:09:49.760 do the field sobriety test. I said, go right ahead, 0:09:49.760 --> 0:09:53.360 and then he just starts screaming at me. What the 0:09:53.400 --> 0:09:56.840 fuck is that? What's that handed to me now? And 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:58.920 I'm like, what, I don't know? What he's talking about, 0:09:59.120 --> 0:10:02.280 and I'm like picking up random bits of detritus, like 0:10:02.400 --> 0:10:04.000 is it this? What do you want, dude? What do 0:10:04.000 --> 0:10:06.480 you want? And he makes it sound like it's a weapon. 0:10:07.280 --> 0:10:09.680 He was talking about pieces of trash and I picked 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:11.120 up like the first thing, it was like a receipt. 0:10:11.120 --> 0:10:12.760 He was like no. I picked up the next thing 0:10:12.880 --> 0:10:14.199 and he was like no, And I picked up the 0:10:14.240 --> 0:10:17.120 next thing. He goes that, he takes it out, He 0:10:17.200 --> 0:10:20.240 opens my door, snatches me up and pulls me out 0:10:20.240 --> 0:10:22.120 of the car, shoves me against the car and pats 0:10:22.120 --> 0:10:26.680 me down, and I'm like, what is going on? And 0:10:26.800 --> 0:10:30.240 he said that piece of plastic tested positive for heroin 0:10:30.720 --> 0:10:35.280 residue and that I was under arrest for felony drug possession. 0:10:37.120 --> 0:10:38.920 I was like, dude, I picked my car up from 0:10:38.960 --> 0:10:41.000 treatment today, that that car has been sitting in the 0:10:41.000 --> 0:10:45.000 treatment center parking lot since before. What do you mean 0:10:45.040 --> 0:10:49.680 I'm under arrest for residue? And it's actually super common. 0:10:49.960 --> 0:10:53.559 There's just thousands of Americans have gotten felony convictions for 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:58.280 residue amounts not visible to the naked eye, on detritus, 0:10:58.280 --> 0:11:04.800 on trash. I am really emboldened. I go in and 0:11:05.280 --> 0:11:07.360 I said this was an illegal search for it the 0:11:07.400 --> 0:11:09.760 Poison Street. There's no way that any of this is valid. 0:11:09.760 --> 0:11:13.280 I declined the search, and he pulls up the police 0:11:13.280 --> 0:11:16.160 report and it says, here, can we search your car? 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:18.920 And then it says miss Godwin, Yeah, sure, go ahead, 0:11:20.840 --> 0:11:24.559 and I fucking excuse me, and I'm like, pull the 0:11:24.640 --> 0:11:27.960 dash camp footage. They're lying. I did not consent to 0:11:27.960 --> 0:11:31.640 that search. In fact, I repeatedly declined, and he goes, oh, well, 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:34.520 the Washington County sheriff Department doesn't actually have dash camps 0:11:34.640 --> 0:11:38.280 or body cameras. And my lawyer had to sit me 0:11:38.320 --> 0:11:40.920 down and said, hey, listen, you were just arrested for 0:11:41.000 --> 0:11:43.520 drug possession a few months ago. You are literally in 0:11:43.640 --> 0:11:46.400 drug court. Do you know how this looks. It is 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:49.559 going to be your word a junkie for saccap and 0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:51.240 a court a law who you think is going to 0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:54.240 win that, and then if you lose that at trial, 0:11:54.520 --> 0:11:56.760 it's going to be so much worse for you. I 0:11:56.760 --> 0:11:59.480 can probably get you a plea deal that has no 0:11:59.559 --> 0:12:05.880 jail time but a felony conviction or a felony conviction, 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:17.480 and I got both those felonies back to back. We'll 0:12:17.480 --> 0:12:25.800 be right back with the War on drug Hi. I'm 0:12:25.880 --> 0:12:29.239 Jason Flom, CEO and founder of Lava for Good podcasts, 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:32.320 Home to Bone Valley, Wrongful Conviction, The War on Drugs, 0:12:32.320 --> 0:12:36.120 and many other great podcasts. Today we're asking you, our listeners, 0:12:36.120 --> 0:12:38.679 to take part in the survey. Your feedback is going 0:12:38.720 --> 0:12:41.880 to help inform how we make podcasts in the future. 0:12:42.120 --> 0:12:44.840 You're complete and candidate answers will help us continue to 0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:48.920 bring you more insightful and inspiring stories about important topics 0:12:48.920 --> 0:12:51.599 that impact us all. So please go to Lava for 0:12:51.720 --> 0:12:55.600 Good dot com slash survey and participate today. Thank you 0:12:55.720 --> 0:13:00.400 for your support. The War on Drugs PO guests is 0:13:00.400 --> 0:13:04.160 sponsored by Stand Together. Stand Together is a philanthropic community 0:13:04.160 --> 0:13:07.040 that partners with America's boldest change makers to tackle the 0:13:07.120 --> 0:13:10.719 root causes of our country's biggest problems. Christina Dent is 0:13:10.760 --> 0:13:13.880 one of many entrepreneurs partnering with Stand Together to end 0:13:13.880 --> 0:13:16.319 the War on Drugs, the root cause of so many 0:13:16.360 --> 0:13:19.600 problems and communities across the country. As a foster mom, 0:13:19.679 --> 0:13:21.679 she came into contact with the War on Drugs when 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:24.000 she saw how it was ripping apart the family she 0:13:24.120 --> 0:13:26.880 worked with. She witnessed how kids were affected, and her 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:29.280 mothers wanted something better for their families, but didn't have 0:13:29.360 --> 0:13:32.440 the tools to get there themselves. Christina Dent started a 0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:35.640 nonprofit called Ended for Good because she knew there was 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:38.720 a better solution to help these families. She's working to 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:41.520 end the war on drugs in Mississippi and build consensus 0:13:41.640 --> 0:13:44.680 around the state to help families struggling with substance abuse 0:13:44.720 --> 0:13:47.360 problems find a different path forward than the one they've 0:13:47.400 --> 0:13:50.440 been given. Stand Together has many more stories like this one, 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:52.880 as it partners with thousands of change makers who were 0:13:52.960 --> 0:13:57.720 driving solutions in education, healthcare, poverty, and the criminal justice system. 0:13:57.960 --> 0:14:00.880 To learn more about Stand Together their partners, or how 0:14:00.920 --> 0:14:04.079 you can partner will Stand Together, go to Stand Together 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:12.240 dot org. The definition of addiction is continuing to use 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:20.160 drugs despite negative consequences. Therefore, laying on additional negative consequences 0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:25.320 does not work. Addiction itself, outside of the sphere of 0:14:25.400 --> 0:14:29.280 criminal law, is already using despite negative consequences. It's causing 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:31.880 issues at work, it's causing issues in my relationship I 0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:35.640 use anyway, that's addiction. But then the just system coming 0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:37.280 in and say, well, how about if we make it worse, 0:14:37.400 --> 0:14:42.720 will that make it better, and surprisingly, no, no, it 0:14:42.800 --> 0:14:47.280 does not. I had gotten a founy conviction while receiving 0:14:47.640 --> 0:14:52.120 federal financial aid, so that torched my ability to continue 0:14:52.120 --> 0:14:55.640 going to school. I got fired from my job. I 0:14:55.680 --> 0:14:58.560 got an automatic six month license suspension, which was standard 0:14:58.560 --> 0:15:01.440 practice if he were with drugs in your car. But 0:15:01.600 --> 0:15:04.240 that took away my livelihood as I was a pizza 0:15:04.240 --> 0:15:06.960 delivery driver. For the first time in my life, I 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:09.960 found myself unemployed. So I'm like living in my car, 0:15:10.200 --> 0:15:13.120 staying and broken down RV's with my friends. I just 0:15:13.200 --> 0:15:17.760 descended into the bowels of addiction and the underworld at 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:20.960 that time, those things that kept me one foot in 0:15:21.000 --> 0:15:23.640 addiction and one foot out because I still saw a 0:15:23.640 --> 0:15:27.080 better way for myself. I lost that one foot out, 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:30.120 so I jumped in both feet in addiction because what 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:39.720 was the point. I just remember this one time, I 0:15:39.800 --> 0:15:44.080 lined up three syringes as much heroin as each could hold, 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:46.840 and I re lined them up in a row, didn't 0:15:46.840 --> 0:15:48.680 even bother trying to find a vein, stuck them right 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:51.880 in my hip, injected one after the other, and I 0:15:51.920 --> 0:15:53.720 went to lay down on my bed and I really 0:15:53.720 --> 0:15:56.200 hoped I wouldn't wake up, but damn if I always 0:15:56.200 --> 0:16:02.520 woke up. I just didn't care whether I lived or died. 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:08.200 I was so suicidal. And then I had some inner 0:16:08.280 --> 0:16:11.840 voice shine through and say, hey, this isn't actually life 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:14.880 you want for yourself, This isn't actually you you want better. 0:16:16.160 --> 0:16:18.640 I was frustricted with my own lack of self control. 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:23.880 I did not want to keep using as if there 0:16:23.920 --> 0:16:27.480 I was of two minds, a fractured mind warring, and 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:30.760 so I wanted to remove that element of self control. 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:33.960 And I wanted someone to make me take my medicine 0:16:34.040 --> 0:16:36.040 for seven days, because the issue with the suboxin is 0:16:36.040 --> 0:16:37.160 I would take it a day or two and then 0:16:37.160 --> 0:16:39.080 I would say, you know, I'll square this. I'm gonna 0:16:39.080 --> 0:16:41.120 do heroin, and I would stop taking it. And I'd 0:16:41.160 --> 0:16:43.800 never taken it multiple days in a row. I was 0:16:43.880 --> 0:16:47.520 never stabilized on this medicine, and I just concocted this 0:16:47.600 --> 0:16:50.320 grand plan of well, in jail, don't make me take it. 0:16:50.720 --> 0:16:53.440 As long as I can get that those seven days stabilized. 0:16:53.800 --> 0:16:57.160 I think from there I'll be good. And so my 0:16:57.200 --> 0:16:59.600 next drug court check in, I walked in with my 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:02.280 sabo oxen and a letter from my doctor to the 0:17:02.360 --> 0:17:04.760 courts imploring them to keep me on it because it 0:17:04.800 --> 0:17:08.320 was important life saving medication and my written prescription. And 0:17:08.400 --> 0:17:10.760 I walked up to the podium and I asked Judge 0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:12.879 Ryant to take me into custody because I needed a 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:15.440 fresh start. I needed to be stabilized on my medication. 0:17:16.320 --> 0:17:20.360 I volunteered for Joe. I had some notion that jail 0:17:20.400 --> 0:17:22.680 was there to help us. Even after all the life 0:17:22.720 --> 0:17:27.399 I'd lived and being persecuted by the police, prosecuted, I 0:17:27.560 --> 0:17:31.120 still was raised with this the authorities there to protect 0:17:31.200 --> 0:17:35.480 us military brat mentality, and that really permeated deep into 0:17:35.480 --> 0:17:37.359 my subconscious You asked me, now, why would I volunteer 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:40.440 for jails. It sounds ridiculous. I was obviously incredibly naive 0:17:40.480 --> 0:17:43.480 and stupid, but at the time, you know, the system 0:17:43.560 --> 0:17:45.960 was leaning hard on me, and I thought, okay, what 0:17:46.040 --> 0:17:49.840 if I lean in? And I get into the Multnoma 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:52.200 County jail that night, and I asked the nurse for 0:17:52.320 --> 0:17:55.919 my suboxon and she laughs in my face and tells 0:17:55.920 --> 0:17:59.000 me that they do not prescribe that medication. And I 0:17:59.080 --> 0:18:02.920 kicked cole Turkey and an open dorm with seventy seven 0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:05.040 women staring at me while I puked into a trash 0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:09.320 can with fluorescent lights that never turned off, and for 0:18:09.400 --> 0:18:11.679 seven days of agony, I had to remind myself that 0:18:11.720 --> 0:18:17.800 I chose that that I did that to myself. This 0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:22.760 was about six eight months after that day, I volunteered 0:18:22.800 --> 0:18:27.520 for jail. My mom died. She was a Air Force 0:18:27.600 --> 0:18:31.480 veteran one hundred percent disabled from her service, and she 0:18:31.720 --> 0:18:35.560 took prescription medication, but she took too many morphine pills 0:18:35.600 --> 0:18:38.840 one night. Whether on purpose or because she had a migraine, 0:18:38.880 --> 0:18:41.280 I will never know. I was supposed to be the 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:45.119 one that died. I'm a suicidal junkie. But I found 0:18:45.160 --> 0:18:50.560 her and how to call the police, and that meant 0:18:50.560 --> 0:18:54.720 that I got life insurance, her military life insurance, real clever. 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:56.919 She'd put it into a stipend for me so that 0:18:56.960 --> 0:18:59.040 I didn't get it in a batch. So I got 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:04.120 like one lump sum thirty thousand dollars. And I thought, 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:06.080 if I could just buy enough heroine, that all my 0:19:06.119 --> 0:19:08.679 problems would be complete. Like I really only thought, for 0:19:09.240 --> 0:19:11.200 you know, since the time I was like nineteen twenty, 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:13.480 that my only problem in life was that I didn't 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:16.080 have enough heroine. And if I could just have enough 0:19:16.240 --> 0:19:18.679 everything would be complete. I was just doing more and 0:19:18.720 --> 0:19:23.040 more heroine, burning through the thirty thousand dollars, realizing, holy shit, 0:19:23.080 --> 0:19:24.640 I'm going to run out of money within a couple 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:27.760 of weeks. And it was right in that period that 0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:31.680 my friend Justin texted me, the one who first showed 0:19:31.720 --> 0:19:33.920 me how to smoke heroin of foil that first time 0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:37.480 I overdose. He'd saved me from several other overdoses. Later, 0:19:37.880 --> 0:19:40.320 he texted me looking for a Graham, and he'd left 0:19:40.320 --> 0:19:42.920 his wallet at my mom's house the day before she died. 0:19:42.960 --> 0:19:44.639 When he came over and I'm like, yeah, dude, I 0:19:44.680 --> 0:19:46.439 can sell you a Graham out of my bag, and 0:19:46.520 --> 0:19:48.440 I have your wallet. I can finally give you back 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:50.320 your wallet. I was so proud of myself because my 0:19:50.400 --> 0:19:52.879 mom had died, I was addicted to heroin, and I 0:19:52.960 --> 0:19:55.280 had kept his wallet safe and I knew where it was. 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:57.760 I had moved into a trap house, and I still 0:19:57.760 --> 0:20:00.600 had saved his wallet. When you're addicted to heroin, you 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:04.720 will find these little semblances of normality to latch onto, 0:20:04.800 --> 0:20:08.280 these little moments of responsibility, And so I was so 0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:10.720 proud of myself for having saved his wallet and so 0:20:10.760 --> 0:20:12.360 I said, yeah, I would sell him the gram out 0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:14.800 of my bag. He came. I sold it to him 0:20:14.800 --> 0:20:16.320 and then I'm like, oh, let me grab your wallet. 0:20:16.359 --> 0:20:17.919 He's like, nah, no, I'll get it next time. I 0:20:17.960 --> 0:20:22.440 gotta go. I was like okay. Then next night he 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:26.480 texted me again looking for two grams. And I'm sitting there, 0:20:26.480 --> 0:20:33.640 I'm waiting for Justin to come, and the door just 0:20:33.680 --> 0:20:36.639 flies open and it's the swat table and they just 0:20:36.680 --> 0:20:38.800 stick guns in my face and are screaming at me, 0:20:39.760 --> 0:20:43.439 and I think, oh, man, my roommate's in trouble because 0:20:43.440 --> 0:20:47.200 he's the one that sells heroin. And then they read 0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:51.159 the warrant and it was in my name, what me? What? 0:20:51.440 --> 0:20:56.080 I wasn't like selling to support my habit. I didn't shower, 0:20:56.119 --> 0:20:58.880 I didn't leave my house. I didn't need nothing. Come 0:20:58.920 --> 0:21:02.160 to find out that Justin had not texted me that day. 0:21:02.600 --> 0:21:05.160 Was the police pretending to be my dead best friend. 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:08.560 I was only informed of that while being put in 0:21:08.640 --> 0:21:10.840 handcuffs and being told that I was being arrested for 0:21:10.880 --> 0:21:13.320 drug delivery resulting in death for the overdose death of 0:21:13.359 --> 0:21:17.280 Justin DeLong, a charge that carries a twenty year mandatory 0:21:17.320 --> 0:21:21.600 minimum sentence. Justin had died the night before the night 0:21:21.600 --> 0:21:23.199 that I sold him a Graham. He went home and 0:21:23.280 --> 0:21:26.600 overdosed alone in his bedroom. Justin was one of my 0:21:26.640 --> 0:21:30.359 closest friends, closest and oldest friends, and I knew his sister, 0:21:30.440 --> 0:21:34.680 I knew his family. I was in between panicked and ashamed, 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:40.000 so I didn't attend the funeral service. His family did 0:21:40.040 --> 0:21:42.920 not want to see me go to prison. They testified 0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:46.280 on my behalf at my sentencing. They had watched him 0:21:46.480 --> 0:21:49.240 struggle with addiction, and they thought that the prosecution was 0:21:49.280 --> 0:21:53.159 cruel because that Justin had been so abused by the 0:21:53.200 --> 0:21:56.080 system while he lived. They were really clear that they 0:21:56.080 --> 0:21:58.760 didn't blame me, and that if I held any guilt, 0:21:58.760 --> 0:22:03.719 that I needed to forgive myself. That was a terrible 0:22:03.760 --> 0:22:06.440 period in my life. And then I find myself in jail, 0:22:06.720 --> 0:22:09.640 and of course you know, I'm detoxing cold turkey because 0:22:09.680 --> 0:22:11.520 despite the fact that jail has been promore friend, they 0:22:11.520 --> 0:22:14.680 never prescribe it. But that is not when I got clean. 0:22:14.880 --> 0:22:17.480 Wish it was. Wish I could say it was not. 0:22:18.359 --> 0:22:21.040