1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:09,240
Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Hi everyone,

2
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:13,000
Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about

3
00:00:13,080 --> 00:00:16,759
Speaker 1: the choices we make. So as we kick off this

4
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,040
Speaker 1: new year, I'm really excited to ramp up into what

5
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:24,000
Speaker 1: is going to be a great year for all of us,

6
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:29,520
Speaker 1: the Year of the Horse, which is my favorite animal.

7
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:37,120
Speaker 1: The Year of the Horse in Chinese astrology, he signifies energy, freedom, strength,

8
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:41,960
Speaker 1: and forward momentum with opportunities for bold action and for

9
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,360
Speaker 1: adventure and romance and personal growth. Oh my gosh, it

10
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,159
Speaker 1: sounds amazing. I love the sound of that, but I

11
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:54,640
Speaker 1: do know that it's so much more meaningful and fun

12
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,520
Speaker 1: if you have someone to walk beside you on that journey.

13
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:02,240
Speaker 1: So my dear friend Adele House is in the house

14
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:06,080
Speaker 1: with me today. She taught me what trust is and

15
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:11,120
Speaker 1: so much more about learning to trust myself. Adele began

16
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:15,800
Speaker 1: as my very first personal assistant way you back when

17
00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,560
Speaker 1: when I was eighteen years old, I think, and has

18
00:01:18,680 --> 00:01:22,640
Speaker 1: become a lifer, meaning I won't let her go. She

19
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:26,240
Speaker 1: can't she can't escape me. She's also become a very

20
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:29,679
Speaker 1: successful therapist, which has worked out in my favor all

21
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,920
Speaker 1: these years. Getting so much free counseling. Don't tell anyone,

22
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:36,360
Speaker 1: but you are about to receive some of that too.

23
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:41,119
Speaker 1: Today we're going to get into a little resetting. We're

24
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:45,840
Speaker 1: going to talk about how exactly to do that, how

25
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:51,560
Speaker 1: to stop ourselves from spinning out and getting comfortable choosing

26
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:58,040
Speaker 1: ourselves with clarity and intention. So, without further ado, welcome back.

27
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:02,240
Speaker 1: Adele Hi, Jenny, Hi, mama him.

28
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:03,160
Speaker 2: So good to see you.

29
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:08,120
Speaker 1: I love seeing you on my computer. If that's how

30
00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,320
Speaker 1: I have to do it, I'd like to see in

31
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:16,240
Speaker 1: person contint. But things are crazy. I mean, it's the

32
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,840
Speaker 1: new year. This already feels like there's so much going on.

33
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,200
Speaker 1: And since we are kind of still kicking off this

34
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:27,919
Speaker 1: new year, what are some questions we can ask ourselves

35
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,480
Speaker 1: or maybe even our therapist that can help us get

36
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:34,560
Speaker 1: this new year off to a great start.

37
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,800
Speaker 2: Well that's a great question. So I think what I

38
00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,760
Speaker 2: love about the question itself is that you're already thinking

39
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,760
Speaker 2: in terms of personal responsibility and that we have free

40
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:48,000
Speaker 2: will to create whatever we want for ourselves. Right, and

41
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,839
Speaker 2: so to start a new year like that, to think

42
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,200
Speaker 2: about how do I want to start this year? How

43
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,880
Speaker 2: do I want to move through this year? Taking the stock.

44
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,560
Speaker 2: You know, a lot of us use the New year

45
00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:02,000
Speaker 2: to take stock. I'm a fan of taking stock anytime regularly.

46
00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,239
Speaker 2: But I know, but taking.

47
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,480
Speaker 1: Stock is so hard because you have to stop your

48
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,959
Speaker 1: brain from doing all the things that it wants to

49
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:12,120
Speaker 1: be doing and get quiet enough that you can actually

50
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,000
Speaker 1: hear yourself.

51
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:17,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's the goal for you, right. I think

52
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,240
Speaker 2: your brain is so busy, right, It's so fast moving,

53
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:24,320
Speaker 2: you are so creative, you have so many thoughts, and

54
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:27,760
Speaker 2: it also gets you into trouble when you aren't trained

55
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:32,320
Speaker 2: to have to slow it down. But as you continue

56
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:34,440
Speaker 2: to get better at this and slow your brain down,

57
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,480
Speaker 2: it won't be so hard to take stock at any moment.

58
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:38,960
Speaker 1: Right.

59
00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:43,440
Speaker 2: If you are taking breaths, being right here, right now

60
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:47,160
Speaker 2: in a moment, right, it's so much easier to just

61
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:51,760
Speaker 2: ask yourself what am I feeling right now? And what

62
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:56,240
Speaker 2: do I need right now? And meeting that need?

63
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,240
Speaker 1: How do I do that?

64
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:04,320
Speaker 2: It's funny because I tell all my clients you are

65
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:07,160
Speaker 2: done with therapy when you can answer those two questions

66
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,000
Speaker 2: and meet the need.

67
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,960
Speaker 1: What am I feeling and what do I need?

68
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:11,880
Speaker 2: Yeah?

69
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:12,400
Speaker 1: That's it?

70
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, so let's try it.

71
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:17,160
Speaker 1: What do you feel you guys, this is like a

72
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,239
Speaker 1: little mini therapy sessions.

73
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:23,000
Speaker 2: Okay, we're fun and there's no right answer. What are

74
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:23,440
Speaker 2: you feeling?

75
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,240
Speaker 1: What am I feeling? Yeah, I'm feeling, like I said,

76
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,520
Speaker 1: very excited for all it's to come in this brand

77
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:33,720
Speaker 1: new year, Like it seems like time flies, but as

78
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,240
Speaker 1: when you start at the beginning of the time that's

79
00:04:36,279 --> 00:04:39,159
Speaker 1: going to be flying and you kind of map it

80
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,160
Speaker 1: out a little bit. I've been feeling like I need

81
00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,560
Speaker 1: to map things out a little bit better for myself.

82
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,799
Speaker 1: I've been I've been feeling like I need to get

83
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,240
Speaker 1: a little more organized in my brain about month to

84
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,760
Speaker 1: month this year, what's going to happen? What do I

85
00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:58,080
Speaker 1: want from you know, each sort of season. But I

86
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,800
Speaker 1: have not been able to slow myself enough.

87
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:03,920
Speaker 2: Okay, to do that first step. You just told me

88
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,560
Speaker 2: a lot about thoughts. You didn't tell me about what

89
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,360
Speaker 2: you're feeling. Oh right, it's harder.

90
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:16,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed. Yeah, I'm feeling like

91
00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:23,040
Speaker 1: I'm feeling almost mad at myself because I haven't yet

92
00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:26,440
Speaker 1: been able to check in, and I keep saying to myself,

93
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:29,320
Speaker 1: I need to check in. I need to make a resolution,

94
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,400
Speaker 1: I need to you know, do my vision board or

95
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:37,200
Speaker 1: whatever it is. And I haven't taken the time for myself. Hi,

96
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,440
Speaker 1: this is not good. I'm hearing it as I'm saying it.

97
00:05:40,839 --> 00:05:44,440
Speaker 1: I haven't put myself first. I haven't chosen myself enough

98
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:45,000
Speaker 1: to do that.

99
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:50,480
Speaker 2: I think you're you know, your tendency is to overachieve. Right,

100
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:55,360
Speaker 2: you have from a very young age been successful and

101
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:57,720
Speaker 2: also taken care of a lot of people. So there's

102
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,400
Speaker 2: been a weight and a responsibility on you since you

103
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:04,080
Speaker 2: were very young. You still carry that with you. And

104
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,279
Speaker 2: in that answer that you just gave me, I heard

105
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,200
Speaker 2: nineteen year old Jenny, right, and twenty five year old Jenny,

106
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,200
Speaker 2: and thirty five year old Jenny, and here she is

107
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:16,960
Speaker 2: still showing up at fifty three year old Jenny. Yeah,

108
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:22,480
Speaker 2: that's right. Okay, it's too much like I got dizzy

109
00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,880
Speaker 2: when you were telling me everything. And so the first

110
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:27,920
Speaker 2: thing I would say to you was smaller bites, Right,

111
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:31,560
Speaker 2: Just what am I feeling? Once you answer it? What

112
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,760
Speaker 2: do I need? So what I heard was I'm feeling overwhelmed.

113
00:06:33,839 --> 00:06:37,760
Speaker 2: Let's leave it there, okay. So, because you are so

114
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,880
Speaker 2: good at taking care of people and learning how to

115
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:44,120
Speaker 2: take care of yourself if you are feeling overwhelmed, how

116
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,480
Speaker 2: would you answer, what do I need?

117
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,160
Speaker 1: Well, I would I would say I need more quiet

118
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:54,000
Speaker 1: time to sit with my thoughts.

119
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:58,360
Speaker 2: Okay, let's leave it there, right, don't overload your brain

120
00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:02,200
Speaker 2: or the answers. Okay, how do you meet that need?

121
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,640
Speaker 2: Because no one's doing it for you.

122
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,599
Speaker 1: Nobody is helping me with that.

123
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,440
Speaker 2: Tell us what it looks like to find that quiet

124
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:16,280
Speaker 2: time for yourself.

125
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:19,520
Speaker 1: I mean, it looks like no phone, no computer, no

126
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:26,200
Speaker 1: answering emails and texts. It looks like I do block

127
00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:29,160
Speaker 1: out time, like take a bath at the end of

128
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,400
Speaker 1: my day. But even then I'm just trying to turn

129
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,080
Speaker 1: my brain off.

130
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:38,080
Speaker 2: So small bites of quiet time would be just tell me,

131
00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:40,520
Speaker 2: like what a five minute version of that would be.

132
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:46,400
Speaker 1: I would just reconnect to my breathing, honestly, because when

133
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,960
Speaker 1: I do start to get out of control or overwhelmed

134
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,680
Speaker 1: or anxious, That's what I've learned to do, is like

135
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,200
Speaker 1: check into my box breathing for just a few moments

136
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,560
Speaker 1: and it kind of usually will reset.

137
00:07:57,040 --> 00:08:01,040
Speaker 2: Right, and it takes what two minutes, right, yep. So

138
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,120
Speaker 2: in small bites I'm feeling what am I feeling? I'm

139
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:07,200
Speaker 2: feeling overwhelmed. What do I need? I need a quiet

140
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:11,040
Speaker 2: moment for myself that usually in two minutes could be

141
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:15,080
Speaker 2: a box breathing, and then I feel better. You can

142
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:19,080
Speaker 2: do that series of things for yourself. You are going

143
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:23,360
Speaker 2: to prevent spinning out. You're going to prevent feeling overwhelmed. Right,

144
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,040
Speaker 2: You're you're basically your body is talking to you all

145
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,200
Speaker 2: day long, and it's saying to you what you need,

146
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,960
Speaker 2: but also knowing you all these years. You know, there's

147
00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:36,240
Speaker 2: there's a swatting away of that, right, and again you've

148
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,040
Speaker 2: come so far.

149
00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:39,640
Speaker 1: What do you mean, like get away?

150
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, like a fly. Yes, it starts to creep in

151
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,480
Speaker 2: and your body's saying hi, it's doing a little knock, right,

152
00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:48,720
Speaker 2: and you're like, no, I don't have time for that.

153
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:50,880
Speaker 2: I can't do that. I have too many people to

154
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,280
Speaker 2: take care of. I have too much work to do. Well,

155
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:56,120
Speaker 2: there's a swat, but your body's already saying to you, like,

156
00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,920
Speaker 2: hey girl, listen, So what am I feeling? What do

157
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:06,720
Speaker 2: I need? Meeting the need and the mastery of that

158
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:11,800
Speaker 2: is several times a day. Yeah, right, and all in all,

159
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:16,480
Speaker 2: maybe you're taking twenty one minutes away from a work

160
00:09:16,600 --> 00:09:19,880
Speaker 2: day or a family day or you know what I mean.

161
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:25,320
Speaker 1: It's yeah, it's it's the small things, I think, because yeah,

162
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,800
Speaker 1: you get caught up in.

163
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,840
Speaker 2: Fixing it all, yes, and you're the queen of that

164
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:33,360
Speaker 2: because you're really good at fixing stuff. And you know,

165
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,920
Speaker 2: we might want to wonder why, you know why you

166
00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,120
Speaker 2: I think you get something out of fixing too, and

167
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,480
Speaker 2: being a great mom and being a great worker and

168
00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:46,920
Speaker 2: being a great partner. I mean, that's been you your

169
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,000
Speaker 2: entire life.

170
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:50,840
Speaker 1: I was just born with a very strong work ethic.

171
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,640
Speaker 1: No matter what the work is, I try to do

172
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,160
Speaker 1: everything the best that I can.

173
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,000
Speaker 2: But there's a way to have a great work ethic

174
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:03,680
Speaker 2: and do everything the best you can while taking really

175
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,480
Speaker 2: good care of yourself and not overdoing whatever that means,

176
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:13,000
Speaker 2: over caring for over showing up, over I always think

177
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,320
Speaker 2: about you around the holidays and how when we were younger,

178
00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,560
Speaker 2: especially like if I would be Christmas shopping with you

179
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,400
Speaker 2: and stuff, you always you would get some nice, lovely

180
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,000
Speaker 2: thing for someone and you're like, I don't think it's enough.

181
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:24,719
Speaker 2: I don't think it's enough, and you'd go and buy

182
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:27,839
Speaker 2: two or three more things. I'm like, you, really, this

183
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:32,080
Speaker 2: is a beautiful sentiment, but you over deliver.

184
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,800
Speaker 1: I think, honestly, I've gotten better about that because one

185
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:40,600
Speaker 1: of my Christmas presents this year was a spoon. I

186
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,720
Speaker 1: got somebody a spoon.

187
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,960
Speaker 2: I love it. I love it. You should. You should

188
00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:49,679
Speaker 2: remember that spoon as like, okay, a sense of pride? Right,

189
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,680
Speaker 2: how did it go? How did the spoon giving go?

190
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,600
Speaker 1: He loved it. It had it had a message written

191
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:57,240
Speaker 1: on the spoon. So every time you eat, you see

192
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,320
Speaker 1: that message. It said you are loved. And I just

193
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,840
Speaker 1: wanted her to remember that every time she sees the spoon,

194
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:04,760
Speaker 1: which hopefully is every day.

195
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:08,360
Speaker 2: Okay, let's now carry that spoon with you that when

196
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,720
Speaker 2: you start swatting away, you pick up your spoon and

197
00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:16,240
Speaker 2: you go small bites, don't over deliver. You are enough.

198
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,480
Speaker 2: I am enough. Right.

199
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,880
Speaker 1: It's so weird that you just said small bites because

200
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,760
Speaker 1: one of my things this year has been taking smaller

201
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:27,920
Speaker 1: bites when I eat.

202
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:30,440
Speaker 2: Oh, isn't that crazy interesting?

203
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:30,679
Speaker 1: Yeah?

204
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,040
Speaker 2: I mean I love That's all related. Right, it's slowing

205
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:39,040
Speaker 2: down and being present with your food. Right. I was

206
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,960
Speaker 2: thinking about you, knowing that we were doing this podcast today,

207
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:47,080
Speaker 2: and I was thinking about you and how you want

208
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,840
Speaker 2: to do it all and you want to be present

209
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:52,880
Speaker 2: for it all, and you over and you do over deliver.

210
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:57,320
Speaker 2: And I was thinking that I wanted to ask you

211
00:11:57,679 --> 00:12:03,920
Speaker 2: over your lifetime when you chose not to over deliver

212
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:07,600
Speaker 2: and you just gave us a beautiful example. Do you

213
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:12,240
Speaker 2: have regrets? Did it change the course of your life

214
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,800
Speaker 2: and your success as a human being? Not as a

215
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:19,600
Speaker 2: financial breadwinner but as a It made.

216
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,360
Speaker 1: Me feel inadequate a little bit like I had failed

217
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,400
Speaker 1: because it was just a spoon, and it felt silly

218
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:33,080
Speaker 1: and trivial. H But when well, I didn't put I

219
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:37,840
Speaker 1: don't know, I don't I just felt like it wasn't enough.

220
00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,439
Speaker 1: But when she opened it and I saw her reaction

221
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:46,839
Speaker 1: to it, this is my beautiful friend, Maya, I realized

222
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:49,560
Speaker 1: that it was meaningful to her. So I could stop

223
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,040
Speaker 1: right there and just be okay giving her that spoon

224
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,120
Speaker 1: and kind of let myself off the hook.

225
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,120
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like, maybe you've been lying to yourself all these years.

226
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:03,600
Speaker 1: Maybe absolutely, you know what, there's one hundred percent that

227
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,360
Speaker 1: I've beenligned to myself all these years.

228
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,640
Speaker 2: Maybe you were never a failure, Maybe you were always enough.

229
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,720
Speaker 1: Maybe I'm always just trying to do my best and

230
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:13,360
Speaker 1: that is enough.

231
00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:14,760
Speaker 2: Right.

232
00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:18,400
Speaker 1: It's so crazy that I have this podcast all about

233
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,600
Speaker 1: choosing yourself, and all I want to do is spread

234
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,040
Speaker 1: that message to women everywhere and teach them in the

235
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:28,920
Speaker 1: importance of choosing themselves as a form of self care.

236
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,520
Speaker 1: But this is the greatest part about it, because I

237
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:38,200
Speaker 1: too struggle with choosing myself. I have to be I

238
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,200
Speaker 1: have to be reminded of it. I have to be

239
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,880
Speaker 1: supported by my community, by my best friend, by my husband,

240
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:48,320
Speaker 1: by my daughters to remind me to you know, sort

241
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,120
Speaker 1: of practice what I preach, or walk the walk, because

242
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:56,520
Speaker 1: it's very easy for me, me to not choose myself.

243
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,600
Speaker 2: That's exactly right. And look, you've been doing it and

244
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:04,760
Speaker 2: you have been growing and evolving and changing over these

245
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:07,040
Speaker 2: last couple of years with this podcast, and you've been

246
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:13,800
Speaker 2: giving dropping incredible gifts to people. And it's a practice. Right.

247
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,720
Speaker 2: I've been a therapist for over twenty years. It's still

248
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,600
Speaker 2: a practice for me. I wake up sometimes in my

249
00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,680
Speaker 2: mind immediately start spinning of like Goda, Goda got it,

250
00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:24,280
Speaker 2: and then I go, who whoa, whoa? What are you

251
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:24,880
Speaker 2: grateful for?

252
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:29,760
Speaker 1: Right, Stern, That's a perfect way to stop that overachieving

253
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,520
Speaker 1: kind of mind, Yeah, go into gratitude.

254
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,560
Speaker 2: But thank you. I just say thank you, and then

255
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:36,200
Speaker 2: I'm like, well, who am I thinking? What am I

256
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:39,080
Speaker 2: thankful for? And then I get in this gratitude prayer.

257
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,160
Speaker 2: But I don't do it every day. I do it

258
00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,600
Speaker 2: three or four days a week. But I don't beat

259
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,240
Speaker 2: myself up for missing three days. Okay.

260
00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:50,720
Speaker 1: So I do have a question. How will we know

261
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:56,560
Speaker 1: when we're truly choosing ourselves, even in those small, everyday moments.

262
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,640
Speaker 1: How will we know we're doing it right?

263
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:03,800
Speaker 2: It's an interesting idea. I think it relates to what

264
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,560
Speaker 2: am I feeling and what do I need and meeting

265
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:09,400
Speaker 2: that need, because when you know that you can do that,

266
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:16,160
Speaker 2: then you are choosing yourself. And when you're saying also,

267
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:19,480
Speaker 2: when you're I think there's another thing it's inside your body.

268
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,240
Speaker 2: And when you are making choices throughout the day, you're

269
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:25,880
Speaker 2: saying yes to something, not to something, making a plan

270
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,280
Speaker 2: or a plan's coming up, and there's something discordant inside

271
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,160
Speaker 2: of you. You know that feeling, you know, you know

272
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,240
Speaker 2: when you're like this doesn't feel right, or I don't

273
00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:37,840
Speaker 2: want to do this, or then you missed you missed

274
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:45,480
Speaker 2: an opportunity to actually tune in and choose yourself. And

275
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,480
Speaker 2: so you just use it as information. You put it

276
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,880
Speaker 2: in the information bucket, and you use it for next time.

277
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:55,280
Speaker 2: You don't beat yourself up. It's not a failure like failures.

278
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,880
Speaker 2: We got to talk more about this word failure with

279
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:00,520
Speaker 2: you too, Like I feel like that word even be

280
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,200
Speaker 2: in your vocabulary. Yeah, that's true. Relationships that don't work

281
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,280
Speaker 2: out aren't failures.

282
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,440
Speaker 1: No, it's so true. It's such an easy word to use,

283
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:10,480
Speaker 1: a default.

284
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:11,880
Speaker 2: Let's strike it for you.

285
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:13,440
Speaker 1: Strike it.

286
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,320
Speaker 2: Let's strike it. Let's spoot it up and throw it out.

287
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:25,920
Speaker 1: On the show pit, which I love. Noah Wiley was

288
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:30,480
Speaker 1: telling some a brother and sister as they were losing

289
00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:34,800
Speaker 1: their father that there are four things you only four

290
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:36,200
Speaker 1: things you need to say it at the end of

291
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,640
Speaker 1: someone's life. And it made me think that when he

292
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,080
Speaker 1: said those four things, I thought, those are four things

293
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,320
Speaker 1: that we should say to ourselves every day. And here's

294
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,440
Speaker 1: the four things. One is I love you, one is

295
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:53,800
Speaker 1: thank you, one is please forgive me, and one is

296
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,600
Speaker 1: I forgive you. So what have you turned those four

297
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,400
Speaker 1: questions into your self?

298
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:01,880
Speaker 2: I love that?

299
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:03,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, me too.

300
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,479
Speaker 2: What if it's a bedtime ritual? You know what if

301
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,280
Speaker 2: you and your partner decide to do it together.

302
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,720
Speaker 1: Ooh, that sounds good. I like that idea. Okay, So

303
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,200
Speaker 1: just one more thing I want to touch on because

304
00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:21,520
Speaker 1: I like to remind people of this all the time.

305
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:26,720
Speaker 1: What is the thing about feeling guilty about choosing yourself?

306
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:32,439
Speaker 1: Why do we have that automatic in our brains of

307
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,000
Speaker 1: this feels selfish?

308
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:39,280
Speaker 2: You're a woman, I mean, right, like women were told

309
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,440
Speaker 2: from as far back as we can remember, we should

310
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:46,159
Speaker 2: be self less, right, we should care for everybody else

311
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:51,280
Speaker 2: first before ourselves. It's ingrained in us. It's ingrained by society,

312
00:17:51,840 --> 00:17:58,640
Speaker 2: by politics, by family, by just gender identity. So number one,

313
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:04,919
Speaker 2: and I think you know, we have a responsibility in

314
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,600
Speaker 2: swallowing that, right, We have a responsibility in saying, yeah,

315
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,560
Speaker 2: that's what I'm supposed to do, and maybe trying to

316
00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:16,920
Speaker 2: unhook from that that, you know, especially if we're into

317
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:21,119
Speaker 2: equality and egalitarian relationships, then then no, not any more

318
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,240
Speaker 2: than anyone else.

319
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,560
Speaker 1: Right, unhook from the narrative of being selfless.

320
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:30,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, And there is a big difference between self care

321
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:34,159
Speaker 2: and selfish, which I know you've talked about on this podcast,

322
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,760
Speaker 2: but it's always a good reminder. Am I being selfish

323
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,280
Speaker 2: in this situation? Or am I taking care of myself?

324
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,840
Speaker 2: And honestly, again, you have all the answers inside you,

325
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,840
Speaker 2: so to all your listeners and if we really tune

326
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,160
Speaker 2: in and ask ourselves, am I being selfish in this moment?

327
00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:53,120
Speaker 2: Or am I actually taking care of myself? I believe

328
00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,800
Speaker 2: and guarantee that any person that's doing this work with you,

329
00:18:56,880 --> 00:18:59,760
Speaker 2: right that's following along in these podcasts, that's you know,

330
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:06,439
Speaker 2: wants to choose themselves through self care, they know the answer.

331
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:12,040
Speaker 2: And trust yourself, right, don't second guess yourself even if

332
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,840
Speaker 2: someone's telling you you're being selfish, that's on them, you know,

333
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,760
Speaker 2: anxiety for being selfish or not. So a little more

334
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:23,200
Speaker 2: self trust, a little more listening to yourself and tuning

335
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,159
Speaker 2: in and just asking yourself, does this feel self? And

336
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:27,639
Speaker 2: you'll know. Sometimes you might be like, you know, I

337
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,879
Speaker 2: think I'm just being selfish because I feel like I

338
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,719
Speaker 2: just don't want to do this right now, but I

339
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,760
Speaker 2: can and it would feel good to me to be

340
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 2: of service in this way. Or no, I'm really taking

341
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,159
Speaker 2: care of myself. I'm having some anxiety right now and

342
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:43,399
Speaker 2: I don't want to go out and try to be

343
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,640
Speaker 2: a social person, So I'm going to say no, thank

344
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:46,919
Speaker 2: you maybe next year.

345
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,399
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's a big thing for me. Is

346
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,080
Speaker 1: disappointing someone.

347
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:57,000
Speaker 2: I think that's a huge thing for you. And you

348
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,639
Speaker 2: have to be able to live with that too, because

349
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,320
Speaker 2: sometimes we do disappoint people.

350
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:05,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, but what's more important, I think disappointing ourselves or

351
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:09,520
Speaker 1: disappointing someone that we really don't know that's asking for

352
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:14,760
Speaker 1: something or some time of yours. I think it's important

353
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:19,960
Speaker 1: that we remember that disappointing ourselves would be a disservice

354
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:20,639
Speaker 1: to ourselves.

355
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,119
Speaker 2: Even when you love right, even if it's your husband,

356
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:24,960
Speaker 2: even if it's your kids and they're like, Mom, I

357
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,879
Speaker 2: need you. I mean, obviously, Mom, I need you. You're

358
00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:30,800
Speaker 2: gonna run. You're an amazing mom. But you know, you

359
00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:34,120
Speaker 2: might disappoint Dave, you might disappoint a friend. You might

360
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:38,760
Speaker 2: and and I hope you do sometimes do. I mean,

361
00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,840
Speaker 2: because you have to live with it, and learning to

362
00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:43,960
Speaker 2: live with those feelings and self soothing through those feelings

363
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:50,240
Speaker 2: is a great exercise in assuasion. Guilt.

364
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:49,040
Speaker 1: Guilt.

365
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,800
Speaker 2: I don't know how helpful of an emotion it is.

366
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:59,800
Speaker 1: Guilt. Yeah, yeah, I really don't see any value in it.

367
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:03,119
Speaker 2: Also another one we could strike for you, failure. I

368
00:21:03,119 --> 00:21:04,800
Speaker 2: feel like we could bury it this year.

369
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:09,600
Speaker 1: Everybody listening, Let's try to ease up on the failure

370
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:17,760
Speaker 1: talk and the self talk and the disappointing others is

371
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,320
Speaker 1: a bad thing. Messaging, we get ourselves.

372
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,119
Speaker 2: They're human things, right, we all do it. They're part

373
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:25,720
Speaker 2: of being human. We are going to fail at things.

374
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:27,320
Speaker 2: If you want to use that word again, it's not

375
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:31,200
Speaker 2: really even in my vernacular, but we are and it's

376
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,240
Speaker 2: part of being human. We're going to feel bad about

377
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,399
Speaker 2: saying no sometimes it's part of being human. So actually

378
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:37,280
Speaker 2: we're succeeding because we're being human.

379
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,399
Speaker 1: We'll listen to that. We're all succeeding at the end

380
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:44,919
Speaker 1: of the day. If we're doing this kind of if

381
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,879
Speaker 1: we're doing the work learning how to choose ourselves even

382
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,399
Speaker 1: when it feels uncomfortable, then we're succeeding.

383
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:53,480
Speaker 2: Nailed it.

384
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,639
Speaker 1: Will you come back? I'd love to, Okay, thank you

385
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,080
Speaker 1: for today though I love you.

386
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:02,520
Speaker 2: It's fun. I love you too. I