Speaker 1: So I gotta tell you rhtt you're either going to
Speaker 1: drag this out for a year or another two years.
Speaker 1: You're gonna do that, or you're gonna realize soon the
Speaker 1: fighting's not worth it. Life is too short. What's up, guys,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for watching, Thank you
Speaker 1: for listening. Whatever platform you're coming from, whether it's YouTube
Speaker 1: or Spotify or Apple podcast. Maybe you found me on TikTok,
Speaker 1: maybe you found me through After Midnight my radio show.
Speaker 1: However you got here, thank you for being here. I
Speaker 1: love doing this. We're going to walk through your questions
Speaker 1: real time, long form, no notes, no edits, no cuts.
Speaker 1: I don't know what's coming at me, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to talk through it as though me and you are
Speaker 1: friends and you asked me for advice. I might not
Speaker 1: have the right advice, but I'm just going to tell
Speaker 1: you what comes to my mind when I read this.
Speaker 1: If you want to be on this podcast with your question,
Speaker 1: email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to get to the list here today. The first question
Speaker 1: subject line says, this little slash big thing my husband does.
Speaker 1: He says, I'd like to stay anonymous. I've been married
Speaker 1: to my husband for twelve years. He proposed to me
Speaker 1: within the first year of that, and we were together.
Speaker 1: Everything seemed perfect. He seemed head over heels from me,
Speaker 1: and for some reason, during this time things changed. He
Speaker 1: started struggling and reliving the past. When I say the past,
Speaker 1: I mean it's mostly things, events, people that were prior
Speaker 1: to me. He struggles with condemning himself for our children
Speaker 1: not having as good a life as he had when
Speaker 1: he was younger. He relives and longs for the vehicles, money,
Speaker 1: and good times he had before he was with me.
Speaker 1: The big thing is he has confessed feeling guilty for
Speaker 1: things he did to his girlfriend and often thinks of
Speaker 1: ways to fix what he did back then to her.
Speaker 1: He's reached out to her before, and even kept pictures
Speaker 1: and special things from her in our garage. It's gotten
Speaker 1: to the point where I could feel or sense when
Speaker 1: he's thinking about her, and he'll shut down and separate
Speaker 1: himself from our family and be distant. We've talked about it.
Speaker 1: He'll confess these feelings and these things, and he'll break
Speaker 1: down and sometimes even cry. When I press him to
Speaker 1: reach out and fix whatever he needs to be fixed.
Speaker 1: Then he will say it's stupid and he doesn't love
Speaker 1: her and he was just having a moment. While I'm
Speaker 1: really glad he's comfortable talking to me about this, it
Speaker 1: kills me all caps. I can't help but feel that
Speaker 1: he regrets marrying me, while I'm the one with the
Speaker 1: ring on the finger, I still can't help but feel
Speaker 1: unwanted in someone else's spot. I start to feel guilty
Speaker 1: that I even came into my husband's life, and even
Speaker 1: wonder if he's supposed to be with his former girlfriend.
Speaker 1: I've found ways to cope and deal with these unwanted
Speaker 1: feelings by running to the cross. I'm not going to
Speaker 1: ask why he is doing this, but instead what can
Speaker 1: I do as a godly woman to pull him back
Speaker 1: into the present with us? Or would you say I
Speaker 1: should instead be mentally and physically preparing myself for not
Speaker 1: being together forever even though we're married. Is this man
Speaker 1: still in love with his ex girlfriend from over sixteen
Speaker 1: years ago? Wow? What a question to start the podcast.
Speaker 1: Number one question to lead off, What my Goodness? First
Speaker 1: of all, Anonymous, I am so impressed with your courage
Speaker 1: and with your understanding of the situation. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: Oh I don't think a lot of wives would be
Speaker 1: able to handle this with as much grace as you
Speaker 1: are doing. And I feel like you are doing all
Speaker 1: the right things. You've maybe you've listened to my podcast
Speaker 1: or you're just new, but either way, you know exactly
Speaker 1: how I feel about these situations. And you even know
Speaker 1: that I read act asking God, why ever? And instead
Speaker 1: what what? God? What are you trying to show me
Speaker 1: in the situation. It's interesting when we pray sometimes and
Speaker 1: we ask for strength and to build our strength, he
Speaker 1: gives us troubles to deal with to enhance our strength,
Speaker 1: and that's what he's doing with you. And I want
Speaker 1: to validate your concern and your feeling about this, and
Speaker 1: I think you're doing everything right. Here's the first thing
Speaker 1: I want to dive into is the last thing that
Speaker 1: you said here, should I be mentally preparing myself for
Speaker 1: not being together forever? I want to I want to
Speaker 1: kind of unpack that a little bit with you, because
Speaker 1: I want I want to say and I know I
Speaker 1: feel like I know you because here long email, but
Speaker 1: and so I'm not saying anything that you don't already know,
Speaker 1: but I want you, I want to encourage you to
Speaker 1: fight for your husband and fight for your marriage. Don't
Speaker 1: give up on this, don't stop trying, don't start preparing
Speaker 1: for maybe you're not going to be together, because I
Speaker 1: think if you start that preparation, that's going to reflect
Speaker 1: back into you. You're not going to want to fight
Speaker 1: as hard. You're not going to want to dig into
Speaker 1: him as hard because you're preparing yourself for protecting your
Speaker 1: heart and being ready for divorce. And I don't believe
Speaker 1: in divorce. I believe we fight for our marriages. And
Speaker 1: no one ever said that marriage was going to be easy.
Speaker 1: No one ever said, you're getting married, great now, it's
Speaker 1: going to be a cakewalk. Have fun, you know, enjoy
Speaker 1: the rest of your life. It's going to be easy.
Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever heard a human ever say
Speaker 1: that ever. Even the best marriages, even the people that
Speaker 1: are that never even fight with each other. You're going
Speaker 1: to have struggles, and you're going to have things that
Speaker 1: come up, whether it's between your relationship or directly outside
Speaker 1: your relationship that penetrates into it. But you're going to
Speaker 1: have problems. And that's just the way it is. Now
Speaker 1: the result of fighting for that. First of all, you know, Biblically,
Speaker 1: we have to fight because because marriage is that important,
Speaker 1: it's it's a covenant under God, and you know that.
Speaker 1: And the struggles your husband is is dealing with, I
Speaker 1: just I think you're doing some great things and I
Speaker 1: want to continue to lean into him, and I would
Speaker 1: continue to be the person that he could talk to
Speaker 1: about anything, including an ex girlfriend that he might still
Speaker 1: have feelings for, or that he's regretting something that he did.
Speaker 1: As bad as that sounds, the last thing you want
Speaker 1: to do is shut him out from that kind of
Speaker 1: communication with you so that he can't even talk to
Speaker 1: you about it. It's tearing him up and he can't
Speaker 1: even talk to his own wife about it. So even
Speaker 1: though that this kills you, and it should, and I
Speaker 1: agree with you, and I validate that that should kill you,
Speaker 1: and I think you should tell him that and not
Speaker 1: in a nagging or or degrading way or judgment type way.
Speaker 1: I think I think you just say I want to
Speaker 1: talk to you about this because because I love you
Speaker 1: and I need you to know that whatever you're struggling with,
Speaker 1: I'm in it too with you because I'm I'm connected
Speaker 1: with you, and because we have a bond and we
Speaker 1: have a covenant together and because I love you and
Speaker 1: we have children together. Whatever it is you're dealing with,
Speaker 1: whether that it's this other girl, or memories from your
Speaker 1: past or or feeling like you're not worthy in the present,
Speaker 1: whatever it is, I'm in it with you, and I
Speaker 1: gotta be honest with you. It kills me. It kills
Speaker 1: me when I when I see you like this, and
Speaker 1: when you go through these moments and you're not including me,
Speaker 1: and you have to I'm telling you, guys operate differently.
Speaker 1: You have to tell them in a loving way, not
Speaker 1: a judgmental way, or not a nagging way, like like,
Speaker 1: don't ever come to him and say, well you thinking
Speaker 1: about her again, you're just leaving. You got kids with
Speaker 1: me and and and I feel left out and I
Speaker 1: feel not wanted. Don't do that. Just say I want
Speaker 1: to talk to this. I want to talk about this,
Speaker 1: and and find him sometime away from the kids, when
Speaker 1: you guys can have some quiet time, maybe maybe at
Speaker 1: dinner and you and you just say I want to
Speaker 1: talk about this. I want to I want to dig
Speaker 1: it up. I can't believe you. You gave him the
Speaker 1: option to go back to her and reconcile like, that's amazing.
Speaker 1: That's that's an amazing thing. That's that's that takes so
Speaker 1: much courage and selflessness that you have offered that to him. Now,
Speaker 1: what he does with that, I don't know. That's that's
Speaker 1: in his court. And and we hope that, uh, if
Speaker 1: he does take that option, that it's in a godly
Speaker 1: way and a righteous way back to you. But uh,
Speaker 1: but goodness, this is this is quite I don't think
Speaker 1: I've ever gotten an email quite like this one, and
Speaker 1: and I feel like there's a lot of hope in it.
Speaker 1: I feel like there's a lot of hope for you guys,
Speaker 1: And I feel good about the situation. I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't feel good about where you are right now currently,
Speaker 1: but I do feel good about the outcome because I
Speaker 1: just think you are you're You're an incredible woman that
Speaker 1: is seeing the big picture here. And he's going through
Speaker 1: a season, and this season will pass and it's not
Speaker 1: going to last forever, Like this isn't going to be
Speaker 1: going on ten years down the road. He's still dealing
Speaker 1: with this. This is a season, and I believe it's
Speaker 1: a short season for him, and he's going through some
Speaker 1: kind of some kind of period in his life where
Speaker 1: he's he's doubting the decisions that he's made. And when
Speaker 1: you start doubting the decisions you've made, you start feeling
Speaker 1: less of a man, and you feel like that's why
Speaker 1: he's telling his kids that I feel like I'm not
Speaker 1: the good dad. Would you say you said he's condemning
Speaker 1: himself for our children as not being having as good
Speaker 1: a life as he had when he was younger. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's that's guilt. Guilt is a thief and a liar,
Speaker 1: and it's just corroding him from the inside. So continue
Speaker 1: to lean in, continue to keep the communication open, don't nag,
Speaker 1: Just love, love him, be there, give him some space
Speaker 1: if he needs it, but also be available to talk
Speaker 1: whenever he does. Don't give up on the marriage. That's
Speaker 1: what I would say for now. Next question, subject line
Speaker 1: says quick question about my faith. Hey Grangeer, my name's Mac.
Speaker 1: I'm nineteen years old from Oregon. It says, the first off,
Speaker 1: I want to say, I admire your love of Jesus
Speaker 1: and how you're so open about your faith. He says,
Speaker 1: I feel like my walk with Jesus is very staggered
Speaker 1: and clumsy, I fall into old habits without realizing it,
Speaker 1: and then I'm left with the same regrets. I have
Speaker 1: a hard time growing my faith and making time for God.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just me or the people
Speaker 1: around me that I surround myself with. I'm in this
Speaker 1: constant loop of envying the Christians that are confident in
Speaker 1: and how in touch they are with God, and how
Speaker 1: I want to be like them, and yet I don't
Speaker 1: go to church or find the time to read the Word.
Speaker 1: Although I don't think I would have to go to
Speaker 1: church to be in touch with Him, I just think
Speaker 1: it would be I would be better off to find
Speaker 1: a church that I enjoy and connect with to grow
Speaker 1: my faith. I'm also fairly new to reading the Word
Speaker 1: and preaching what it writes. I'm not an insecure person
Speaker 1: by any means, but when it comes to my faith,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not involved as others are. I
Speaker 1: know God forgives my sins because we are human, but
Speaker 1: how do I grow my faith? Does it matter who
Speaker 1: I surround myself with. Most of my friends are Christian,
Speaker 1: but they never talk about God or their faith. I
Speaker 1: know everyone's walk with God is different, and it all
Speaker 1: happens with time. But I want to be devoted, a
Speaker 1: devoted woman of God. I don't have a full understanding,
Speaker 1: but I'm trying to get there. I just want to
Speaker 1: live my life to Jesus, and I feel stuck in
Speaker 1: a loop. I can't seem to find the right step
Speaker 1: to take. And I'm kind of paraphrasing here, but how
Speaker 1: do I break the fear of missing out? Anyway? Thank
Speaker 1: you Granger for taking the time to read this. I
Speaker 1: hope to come see you play in August when you
Speaker 1: come to Roseberg. Great. So this question comes from Mac,
Speaker 1: and Mac is a girl, and I didn't realize that
Speaker 1: until halfway through. Mac, Yeah, let me dive into this.
Speaker 1: It's it's a good question. You're not alone in thinking
Speaker 1: any of this stuff. But I want to I want
Speaker 1: to kind of pick at you a little bit. I
Speaker 1: want to kind of poke at you. Okay, the first
Speaker 1: thing I want to poke at because I want to
Speaker 1: be I'm not going to say things that make you
Speaker 1: feel good. I'm going to say things that I think
Speaker 1: you need to hear and and and by saying that,
Speaker 1: I want to I want to reject the idea of
Speaker 1: you looking at other Christians like they are better than
Speaker 1: you or have more than you, because that is false,
Speaker 1: and I'm not one of them. We are all sinners. Okay.
Speaker 1: The story the story of the Gospel. It's the story
Speaker 1: of the hero slaying the dragon and getting the girl
Speaker 1: in the end. That's the story of the Bible. That's
Speaker 1: the story of Jesus slaying the dragon and getting the
Speaker 1: girl in the end. But here's the catch. The girl
Speaker 1: in the end that the hero gets is a prostitute.
Speaker 1: We're not a queen like the church the bride or
Speaker 1: the church the bride is a prostitute that is not
Speaker 1: worthy of being saved by the dragon. But we're saved anyway,
Speaker 1: all of us. Nobody is better than anybody else. Some
Speaker 1: of us have a stronger faith. But faith itself is
Speaker 1: a gift too that it's a gift to us. It's
Speaker 1: not something we have grown on our own. It's something
Speaker 1: that was given to us, and that understanding is a gift.
Speaker 1: So because of that gift, and because we're all a prostitute,
Speaker 1: we don't deserve any of it. And that leaves us
Speaker 1: with nothing but praise that the hero slayed the dragon
Speaker 1: that we couldn't ever defeat and saved us when we
Speaker 1: weren't worthy of being saved. That's the love story here.
Speaker 1: That's why this love story is so incredible because we
Speaker 1: didn't deserve it, and everything is a gift. So I'm
Speaker 1: going to dive in and I'm want to poke at
Speaker 1: you here because you're telling me. You're telling me that
Speaker 1: you're you're struggling, you're in a loop, you're not getting
Speaker 1: any better, you're not growing your faith. But then you
Speaker 1: straight up will tell me you don't go to church
Speaker 1: or read the word. And so I've said, you know,
Speaker 1: analogies on this podcast. It's like it's like a you know,
Speaker 1: I've said this before. It's like a batter that playing
Speaker 1: baseball that goes to the coach and says, I'm in
Speaker 1: a slump. I can't hit anything. I'm in a loop.
Speaker 1: I go up to bat and I strike out and
Speaker 1: I cannot I can not get better at this. And
Speaker 1: the coach says, okay, let me help you. Let me
Speaker 1: let me help you. First of all, tell me what
Speaker 1: you're doing. What are you doing to try to get
Speaker 1: out of the slump. Are you practicing your swing at
Speaker 1: a batting cage? No, are you videoing yourself and watching
Speaker 1: your form and playing it back. No, are you you're
Speaker 1: going out to the field and having somebody pitch to
Speaker 1: you all the time and you're trying to work on
Speaker 1: your curveball or your fastball. No, but you want to
Speaker 1: get better at your swing. Yeah, I want to get
Speaker 1: better at my swing. You see that, You see the disconnect, Like,
Speaker 1: that's what you're telling me, And you say, although, here's
Speaker 1: your here's your line. Although I don't think you have
Speaker 1: to go to church to be in touch with him?
Speaker 1: Do you not? Like? Where? Where does that? Where does that?
Speaker 1: Where's that? In the Bible? You don't have to be
Speaker 1: around other believers, you don't have to be in church.
Speaker 1: Where does it say that? Because the church is the prostitute,
Speaker 1: it is the bride. It's it's what he slayed the
Speaker 1: dragon for, and so why did he slay the dragon?
Speaker 1: It's it's like saying, if the church, if the church
Speaker 1: is the bride of Christ, which is that's the analogy
Speaker 1: the Bible makes, then it would be equivalent to what
Speaker 1: you said. It's going up to one of your friends
Speaker 1: that's married and saying, I really like you a lot,
Speaker 1: I love you, but I can't I can't just can't
Speaker 1: stand your husband. I don't like him very much. I
Speaker 1: don't like him. I like you don't. Don't get me wrong,
Speaker 1: I love you, but I just I don't care for
Speaker 1: your husband. Like what would your friends say to that?
Speaker 1: How would she react to that? I don't think she
Speaker 1: would take that very well. And that's what you're saying.
Speaker 1: And then the other thing I don't. I don't read
Speaker 1: the word like that's the batting cage. You want to
Speaker 1: get better at your swing, The word is your batting cage.
Speaker 1: Like when you pray, you're you're you're sending your communication up.
Speaker 1: But when you read the word, he's speaking back to
Speaker 1: you through the word. So you're not reading it and
Speaker 1: you're not going to church. I mean, I don't really
Speaker 1: have to think about anything else in the email besides that.
Speaker 1: Try and try that. Go to church, hey, even if
Speaker 1: you don't want to, even if you've got I'm listen.
Speaker 1: I just finished a book that's going to come out
Speaker 1: next year. But I was, I was in your exact position,
Speaker 1: So I'm not speaking down to you. I'm speaking as
Speaker 1: a beggar telling another beggar where I found bread. Like
Speaker 1: I'm no better, but I did get to eat and
Speaker 1: let me show you where I found food. And so
Speaker 1: many times it starts with going just going to church,
Speaker 1: just showing up. You don't have to dress up. But
Speaker 1: you know, I was always worried about, like, well, the
Speaker 1: Cowboys are playing football and TV. I can't miss that,
Speaker 1: or I'm traveling and I'm really tired. I stayed up
Speaker 1: late last night at a concert. But you don't have
Speaker 1: to want to go. You go because you need to go,
Speaker 1: and yes, yes you need to go. You need to
Speaker 1: show up. You need to hear what God has to
Speaker 1: say that morning. And then you continue that on not
Speaker 1: just Sunday morning, but on Monday you continue again, you
Speaker 1: dive back into the word again. You go, God, what
Speaker 1: I'm about to open this word, the inspired word by you,
Speaker 1: the word that people, thousands of people died for so
Speaker 1: that I could have this book, and I'm gonna read it.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna se what you gotta say about it about
Speaker 1: me today? What do you have to say to me?
Speaker 1: Open my eyes, open my ears to the message that's
Speaker 1: coming to me, because I'm gonna read it. So faith
Speaker 1: is an action. It's an action. It's not work. Don't
Speaker 1: work towards God. You don't have to do certain things
Speaker 1: to get closer to him. But if you want to
Speaker 1: be with him, get into the word, show up to
Speaker 1: church on Sunday. In fact, let's take a break and
Speaker 1: be right back. If you want to connect with me,
Speaker 1: there's two really easy ways to do it. One you
Speaker 1: could see me in person. Go to grangersmith dot com.
Speaker 1: Click on the homepage. It says meet Granger on a
Speaker 1: tab right there. Click it and find out how to
Speaker 1: meet me at any place we're going this year, probably
Speaker 1: all over, hopefully close to you. The second way is
Speaker 1: cameo dot com slash granger Smith. You can get a
Speaker 1: video shout out from me. It could be about an
Speaker 1: anniversary or birthday, maybe just to pick me up a congratulations,
Speaker 1: whatever it might be. I'll send you a personal video
Speaker 1: from my phone saying what you need me to say.
Speaker 1: Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith or download
Speaker 1: the cameo app and search for me Grangersmith. All right.
Speaker 1: Next question, subject CLIENTE says help for a friend. Hey,
Speaker 1: I have a question about a friend of mine. A
Speaker 1: little backstory. My friend got leukemia a couple years ago
Speaker 1: and has really been changed by it since then. He
Speaker 1: shut out most of his friends that he grew up with. Why.
Speaker 1: I really don't know the reason. All I have to
Speaker 1: say is I'm pretty much his only friend, and he's
Speaker 1: complaining about being lonely, bored and having no social life,
Speaker 1: but refuses to change any of that. How do I
Speaker 1: encourage him to get out there and to do more
Speaker 1: social events and make more friends. Whenever I talk to him,
Speaker 1: he seems somewhat depressed and it's always complaining that he'll
Speaker 1: never have a love since he's since he's twenty five
Speaker 1: and only getting older. Hopefully this makes sense. Any input
Speaker 1: would be appreciated. Thanks Harrison, Thank you Harrison, thanks for
Speaker 1: the email. First of all, let's just say twenty five
Speaker 1: mats young. That is super young. So what I want
Speaker 1: to encourage you to do with this is work on
Speaker 1: not trying to correct him and not trying to push
Speaker 1: him into situations, social events, other girls, whatever, that Just
Speaker 1: be there. Just just be there and just love him
Speaker 1: as a brother, you know. Just he's been through leukemia
Speaker 1: and you say something's changed, and you don't know what. Well,
Speaker 1: I don't know what. I've never had leukemia and you
Speaker 1: I don't think you have either, so we don't really
Speaker 1: know what he went through, or how difficult that was,
Speaker 1: or what kind of what kind of new perspective he
Speaker 1: got new lens that he was able to look at
Speaker 1: life with this idea of his own mortality like that
Speaker 1: changes people. I would I would expect that would change
Speaker 1: me or you. So I can't. I can't begin to
Speaker 1: understand what he's going through. So me and you, we
Speaker 1: don't have to, and we shouldn't. We just be there
Speaker 1: to love him as a brother and to if he
Speaker 1: doesn't have any friends, but you be that friend, pour
Speaker 1: into him. Don't expect anything from him, lower your expectations
Speaker 1: for what you need from him as a friend, and
Speaker 1: instead pour into him everything. Pick him up dinner, go
Speaker 1: pick him up to take him to the movies, go
Speaker 1: do some fun stuff together. And if he doesn't want
Speaker 1: to go, just go hang. Just go sit on the
Speaker 1: couch and hang and just talk and do whatever you
Speaker 1: gotta do. If he doesn't want to talk about leukemia
Speaker 1: or friends or being lonely, change the subject, talk about
Speaker 1: the new movie top Gun. I don't know, but just
Speaker 1: pour into him. It's understandable that he's going through a
Speaker 1: difficult time and that this time is probably going to
Speaker 1: last several years. You can't control that. You can't control him,
Speaker 1: you can't control his thoughts or emotions, but you can
Speaker 1: control you and how you react to him. So pour
Speaker 1: into him, blower your expectations of what you want from him,
Speaker 1: and instead just give him everything. Be there for him,
Speaker 1: take care of him, learn his love language. Is it
Speaker 1: acts of service? Do stuff for him? Is it gifts?
Speaker 1: Get them a couple of things every once in a while,
Speaker 1: Bring them a hamburger? Is it words of affirmation? Go
Speaker 1: sit on the couch with him and tell him that
Speaker 1: you're an awesome dude today, not before leukemia, right now,
Speaker 1: You're awesome. I can't imagine what you've gone through. Is
Speaker 1: the quality time? Just go hang out with him, spend
Speaker 1: time with him, learn who he is, pour into him.
Speaker 1: That's what a friend does. Here's another question, subject line
Speaker 1: chronic loneliness. Dear Grangeer, thanks for being awesome. I just
Speaker 1: saw you for the first time live. I relocated to
Speaker 1: Central Texas from Dallas to Dallas from Nashville from my
Speaker 1: hometown in Ohio. I'm a strong independent woman that does
Speaker 1: everything alone, including going to concerts, movies, sit down restaurants,
Speaker 1: and traveling. This was fine until here. Recently, I started
Speaker 1: getting bad looks from everyone around me. I'm twenty seven
Speaker 1: years old and I've yet to make a friend. Any
Speaker 1: advice for overcoming loneliness. I should introduce you to the
Speaker 1: other guy that just got over leukemia, she says. I
Speaker 1: have prayed for years for an answer. I've tried to
Speaker 1: go into church to meet people, but I'm at a
Speaker 1: weird age where everyone around me has friends, kids and families.
Speaker 1: Thanks sincerely, Tests, Test, thank you for the email. Thanks
Speaker 1: for being vulnerable and opening up with this. It's so
Speaker 1: so Now we have the other side of loneliness. Now
Speaker 1: we just talked about a friend that was dealing with it.
Speaker 1: Now we have you that's in it, which is which
Speaker 1: is interesting, right? I Mean if you put all these
Speaker 1: emails together, we could see people are just hurting and
Speaker 1: looking for answers and searching and wanting community, wanting to
Speaker 1: be together and wanting to have friends. Like that's such
Speaker 1: a such a big thing, and yet we just search
Speaker 1: for it, like we're just digging for gold, and we
Speaker 1: can't seem to find it sometimes. So reading your email,
Speaker 1: the first thing I would do is to shed shed
Speaker 1: this identity of strong, independent woman that does everything alone,
Speaker 1: because I think you've correct me if I'm wrong, but
Speaker 1: you've debunked that because you're not. This is now backfired
Speaker 1: on you because now you're hurting with loneliness because you
Speaker 1: have put on a facade of being a strong independent
Speaker 1: woman that does everything alone, and you never had to
Speaker 1: to begin with, and no one expected you to. You're not.
Speaker 1: You don't have a better resume because you could write
Speaker 1: I'm a strong independent woman that does everything alone. Like
Speaker 1: I'm not going to pat you on the back for that,
Speaker 1: because I'm not a strong independent man that does everything alone.
Speaker 1: I can. You can, but and we like to sometimes,
Speaker 1: and some people more than other times. But all of
Speaker 1: us as humans, like we're tribal beast. We need community,
Speaker 1: we need a gang. We want to be in a gang,
Speaker 1: and we need our people. That's why we divide up politically.
Speaker 1: Have you ever noticed that we divide up politically because
Speaker 1: we love to be in tribes. Like I'm in this
Speaker 1: tribe and I believe this, and so I'm gonna search
Speaker 1: for other people in my tribe and I'll defend them
Speaker 1: to the end, and I'll fight off the other guys
Speaker 1: no matter what, because that's my tribe. And you say
Speaker 1: something against me politically or emotionally, socially, whatever, and you're
Speaker 1: going against my tribe. I will fight to the death
Speaker 1: over this because you're causing harm to my people, to
Speaker 1: my tribe, and that's what you want. You're twenty seven
Speaker 1: and you're super young. I was single at twenty seven.
Speaker 1: I didn't have a wife or kids or anything. So
Speaker 1: me and you were on the same path. So I
Speaker 1: understand seeing others and feeling like they're judging you because
Speaker 1: they have a family, they're married, or they have friends.
Speaker 1: But that's I could read plenty of emails where people
Speaker 1: are having problems their marriages. I could read you the
Speaker 1: email I just read right before this one where there's
Speaker 1: a problem with friendship. So they're not better off. Trust me,
Speaker 1: they're not better off because they're married or because they
Speaker 1: have more friends than you. So there's no weird looks.
Speaker 1: If anything, You're in a really good situation because you're
Speaker 1: at the foundation level and you get to build everything
Speaker 1: up like these other people have to do demo work
Speaker 1: and tear down buildings and get back down to the
Speaker 1: foundation and start over. But you you're only building up.
Speaker 1: There's no demo work involved. Okay, that's a good place
Speaker 1: to be. It's a lonely place, it could feel lonely,
Speaker 1: but it's a really good place for the long term
Speaker 1: because you're starting from scratch right now. So what I
Speaker 1: usually say, you know, after you shed this identity and
Speaker 1: after you shed the idea that people are look giving
Speaker 1: you weird looks, like, stop thinking that. Stop thinking people
Speaker 1: are giving you weird looks. I guarantee you people have
Speaker 1: enough problem on their own with their own identity and
Speaker 1: their own lives and their own relationships that they don't
Speaker 1: really care how much you look different. Like you're reading
Speaker 1: that wrong. Like people just people have too many issues
Speaker 1: to really invest themselves in yours, even though it might
Speaker 1: seem like it. So shed that, shed your independent woman identity,
Speaker 1: and just pour into society. Go find a hobby that
Speaker 1: you love. Pick something you love, anything, any group or
Speaker 1: organization or game or sport or knitting, whatever it is,
Speaker 1: Pour into that and go and find your people. Find
Speaker 1: your tribe, and you will. You'll find your tribe. And
Speaker 1: this is the place to find friends. This is where
Speaker 1: you're going to find your friends. Okay, next question. This
Speaker 1: is a kind of a lighthearted question. Subject line says
Speaker 1: Chevy and petrol prices. Hey Grandeur, my name is Hans
Speaker 1: from Norway. Have a question to you about American trucks.
Speaker 1: I really love Chevy, Ford and GMC, but I feel
Speaker 1: like some of them drink way too much gasoline. Which
Speaker 1: type of truck should I buy right now? I have
Speaker 1: a Chevy Suburban nineteen ninety five v. Eight five point
Speaker 1: seven Leader. Thanks for your time, Hans hans Man. Anything
Speaker 1: you get, anything is going to be better than your
Speaker 1: Chevy Suburban. Uh from nineteen ninety five. I promise you anything,
Speaker 1: So don't worry about that. Here're gonna be any of
Speaker 1: these new trucks. Now, nothing is nothing is great, nothing
Speaker 1: is given you a you know, there's nothing's better than
Speaker 1: like a Prius if that's what you're looking for. And
Speaker 1: I'm sure in Norway a lot more people drive lighter
Speaker 1: cars that are that are a lot better than than trucks.
Speaker 1: But you seem to be my kind of guy. You're
Speaker 1: a country guy, and so uh, anything newer than nineteen
Speaker 1: ninety five is going to be It's going to be
Speaker 1: a lot better than your your Sevy Chevy Suburban. I
Speaker 1: used to have one like that. By the way, A
Speaker 1: nineties Chevy Suburban. It's really good. I'm going to move
Speaker 1: on to one that it says husband has an addiction.
Speaker 1: And I see this a lot, so I'm gonna read
Speaker 1: this question. It says, what can I do to help
Speaker 1: my husband he has a sex addiction. I don't know
Speaker 1: how to help him. We've had a active sex life
Speaker 1: as a married couple. We welcomed our fourth child together
Speaker 1: and celebrated eight years of marriage. He used to attend
Speaker 1: church with me and has a new job since that
Speaker 1: has him working every Sunday and has kept him out.
Speaker 1: He started joining groups on social media where people swap
Speaker 1: nude photos. He was caught and I confronted him. He
Speaker 1: claimed his account was hacked. He is always on porn
Speaker 1: sites too. I've tried to explain to him what the
Speaker 1: Bible says about it, and he doesn't understand how it's wrong.
Speaker 1: It's deeply hurting me. Please help. Thanks Indiana Mom, oh man,
Speaker 1: Indiana Mom. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability to
Speaker 1: email this. This is painful. I'm sure it's it's incredibly
Speaker 1: painful for you. I want to I want to look
Speaker 1: at this in a couple different ways, because I see
Speaker 1: I see porn addiction questions a lot on this podcast.
Speaker 1: And there's two different kinds of of porn addiction. There's
Speaker 1: the kind that, well, I'm just speaking for guys, not
Speaker 1: girls right now, Okay. There's the kind that guys feel
Speaker 1: remorseful and they feel stuck and sick to themselves that
Speaker 1: they're in it, but they can't find a way out.
Speaker 1: I get those questions a lot, A little less I
Speaker 1: get your question. That's where the husband does not know
Speaker 1: that it's wrong, it does not realize this is what
Speaker 1: this is doing. And so for the first group, the
Speaker 1: group of men, I want to I don't I know
Speaker 1: you didn't ask it, but I want to kind of
Speaker 1: addres it because because I get so many questions about it,
Speaker 1: and and there is a I think a pretty solid
Speaker 1: solution or remedy. I don't know if there's a solution
Speaker 1: besides God, there's not, but here's a here's an earthly remedy. Okay.
Speaker 1: For the first group that this is the men that
Speaker 1: have an addiction to porn and they want to stop
Speaker 1: because it's they know it's hurting them and their family.
Speaker 1: I talked to a pastor friend of mine that has
Speaker 1: counseled a lot of people in this and he told
Speaker 1: me that there is a In fact, he texted me,
Speaker 1: let me see if I can let me see if
Speaker 1: he gave me an answer. Yes, okay, perfect, here it
Speaker 1: is he he texted me back. There is a an
Speaker 1: app called Covenant Eyes Covenant Eyes at co O V
Speaker 1: E n A N T Eyes and it's a you
Speaker 1: can go to Covenant Eyes dot com or it looks
Speaker 1: like there's also an app for your phone. And what
Speaker 1: this does is it if you're if you're admitting that
Speaker 1: you have a problem, you could sign up for this
Speaker 1: app and it literally takes your IP address and it
Speaker 1: monitors your search activity on your phone and your computer
Speaker 1: and whatever else you have digital and it will it
Speaker 1: knows when you go to a porn site or something
Speaker 1: that's subjective like this, and it will send who it
Speaker 1: will send your information to whoever you tell it to
Speaker 1: send it to. So when you sign up for the app,
Speaker 1: you could put your mother in law as the recipient,
Speaker 1: or your wife or your mother, or your sister, or
Speaker 1: your best friend or your pastor whatever. You put someone
Speaker 1: in there as your as your your guardian recipient, your
Speaker 1: accountability partner. And if you go to one of these sites,
Speaker 1: it sends the information to your mother, so your mother
Speaker 1: gets it, gets a log of what sites that you
Speaker 1: went to that were compromising, Like that's that's pretty good.
Speaker 1: Like that, I think that's a really that's a really
Speaker 1: good tool in the tool shed if you're trying to
Speaker 1: get away from this. If you know, if I type
Speaker 1: in this website, it's sending it the information to my
Speaker 1: mother in law, Like that's that's terrifying. That's terrifying, And
Speaker 1: I think it's a great Using that kind of fear
Speaker 1: for yourself is great. That being said, let's get back
Speaker 1: to your question. Indiana, Mom, you are you're in the
Speaker 1: middle of the fire right now. And the problem is
Speaker 1: the problem is not the porn. That's obvious, like that's
Speaker 1: we're all sinners. So the problem that he's doing these
Speaker 1: weird websites where you share nude photos and he's looking
Speaker 1: at porn, that's not that's not the problem. That's one
Speaker 1: of thousands of sinners problems that we share. The problem
Speaker 1: is his unrepentant heart. The problem is he's not seeing
Speaker 1: that it's wrong. He's not seeing that it's damaging you
Speaker 1: and him. So so we have to think of a
Speaker 1: different solution for you, Indiana Mom. So I would say,
Speaker 1: first of all, this might be an obvious question, but
Speaker 1: I have to start here. Have you talked to him
Speaker 1: about this in a non judgmental way? Similar to this
Speaker 1: first question I had where the guy was having problems
Speaker 1: still thinking about his ex girlfriend. Similar to that, are
Speaker 1: you talking opening communication with him in a loving way,
Speaker 1: not nagging? Not what are you doing? And we have
Speaker 1: four kids? You're ruining us? Are you saying, babe? Can
Speaker 1: I talk to you about something? Do you know that
Speaker 1: I love you? And do you know that it hurts
Speaker 1: my heart to know that you're doing this and not
Speaker 1: to me, or not to yourself, or not to our
Speaker 1: four kids, but ultimately to God. Do you know that
Speaker 1: you're doing this? Can you can you try to see
Speaker 1: that this is I know you say it's not wrong,
Speaker 1: but can you try to see that it's really hurting me?
Speaker 1: As you said in your email, it's hurting me deeply.
Speaker 1: I can't sleep at night. It really hurts me. And
Speaker 1: do you know do you know this? And for him
Speaker 1: to have that kind of realization that he's hurting you, like,
Speaker 1: that's different, right, It's different that he just he's trying
Speaker 1: to skate around the fact that this is not wrong.
Speaker 1: It's different. Maybe if he knows he's actually hurting you,
Speaker 1: he's he's abusing you in a way, emotionally abusing you.
Speaker 1: Does he know that? Have you told him that in
Speaker 1: a non judgmental, non naggy way. Let's start with that.
Speaker 1: And then the second thing is that the hard thing
Speaker 1: is the church thing. He's working. He can't go to
Speaker 1: church when we know that having him around other godly
Speaker 1: men that keep him accountable will lead him back ultimately
Speaker 1: through God. And anybody that's dealing with sin it's oblivious
Speaker 1: that it's a problem. We have to immediately get accountability
Speaker 1: around them. Because slipping up and falling into something bad
Speaker 1: is that's one thing, But usually we expect to correct
Speaker 1: that quickly and be able to move out of it, like,
Speaker 1: oh gosh, I can't believe I fell into that, and
Speaker 1: I've got to get myself back on the right path.
Speaker 1: I got to get myself corrected. But when you're not
Speaker 1: having that kind of repentant heart, that's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1: When I say that that sounds like a religious word, repentant,
Speaker 1: it's just it's a remorseful heart. Like, if you're not
Speaker 1: feeling remorse that you're hurting your wife, that's a problem.
Speaker 1: So love him, don't give up on him, don't consider
Speaker 1: divorcing him. Don't get a wondering eye this. So many
Speaker 1: times I've read other emails where this is where the
Speaker 1: cheating starts with the wife because she's like, well, he's
Speaker 1: looking at he's looking at porn, and I kind of
Speaker 1: you know, this neighbor down the road is talking sweet
Speaker 1: to me. So if he's going to be doing that,
Speaker 1: he's already done this damage. I'm just going to go here,
Speaker 1: So don't do that, Like, that's not the answer. Love him,
Speaker 1: don't nag him. Continue going to church, continue taking your
Speaker 1: kids to church, and show him through that example that
Speaker 1: you are a changed woman and that it's affecting you
Speaker 1: and that you feel part of a community and you
Speaker 1: feel loved. And at first he might have a little
Speaker 1: bit of jealousy towards that, like why is my wife
Speaker 1: loving this church so much? Like why is she getting
Speaker 1: so much fulfillment from that? And then hopefully that that
Speaker 1: jealousy into curiosity, and he's like, maybe I should go,
Speaker 1: Like maybe I should pick a Sunday and go with
Speaker 1: her because she seems like she's getting so much from this.
Speaker 1: What he's going to get out of this that he
Speaker 1: doesn't know is he's going to get so much more
Speaker 1: fulfillment when he leaves it. But the problem is he's
Speaker 1: in it because that's where he's getting fulfillment. It's like
Speaker 1: hitting that little endorphin in him. It's hitting that dopamine
Speaker 1: and he's satisfying that this little dopamine loop. But he
Speaker 1: doesn't know that there's something way greater, way more satisfying.
Speaker 1: The dopamine is nothing compared to this. Right, lean into him,
Speaker 1: don't give up on him, Surround him with accountability, and
Speaker 1: you in the meantime, keep going to church. Let's hit
Speaker 1: one more here, says Relationship Troubles. Hey Granger, my name
Speaker 1: is Rhet. I've been listening to your music and your
Speaker 1: podcast for a long time. I'm eighteen years old. I
Speaker 1: need your advice. I've been with my girlfriend for almost
Speaker 1: two years now and it's gotten rocky. We fight quite
Speaker 1: a bit, and when it does it lasts for a
Speaker 1: couple of days. We both cry and really hard. She
Speaker 1: blames the fights on me, and I know I could
Speaker 1: be a problem, but sometimes she gets super manipulative and
Speaker 1: tries to guilt me. I love her, but I feel
Speaker 1: stuck when we aren't fighting. Our relationship is great. I'm
Speaker 1: just not sure how to fix the fighting. I want
Speaker 1: your opinion. Thanks Granger. Rehet Rhett, you're eighteen. You're in
Speaker 1: a rocky relationship with extreme times of fighting. I've been
Speaker 1: there before in that, I've been there, and it's very rare.
Speaker 1: Rhet hear me. It's very rare for this to turn
Speaker 1: out well, very rare for you to be in this
Speaker 1: relationship that fights all the time and then one day
Speaker 1: figure out a solution on how to not fight, and
Speaker 1: she agrees with the solution, and then you just don't
Speaker 1: fight and it's good. That is extremely rare. What I'm
Speaker 1: trying to tell you is this relationship probably not gonna work.
Speaker 1: It's amazing when certain people get together and they just
Speaker 1: don't work well together. We all have that person. It
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a relationship. We have friends like
Speaker 1: that or co workers like that. Certain personalities come together
Speaker 1: and it's like fire and ice. Sometimes it's just incredible,
Speaker 1: and then the other half of the time it's just hideous.
Speaker 1: Typically that just doesn't work. Typically you're going to come
Speaker 1: to a point, and I'm predicting this already. You're going
Speaker 1: to come to a point where the fighting outweighs the
Speaker 1: love and you're going to go, you know what, I
Speaker 1: just can't do this anymore. It's weighing me down. I
Speaker 1: love you. I think the times that are great are awesome,
Speaker 1: but the fights are just too much. And I'm not
Speaker 1: blaming you. I'm equally to blame in this. But it's
Speaker 1: amazing when we get out of that and you finally
Speaker 1: break that off and you go find somebody else. It's
Speaker 1: crazy how you could find someone else that doesn't bring
Speaker 1: out that bad side of you. Because yes, you're blaming yourself,
Speaker 1: and you should, and I blame myself for these relationships.
Speaker 1: It's fifty to fifty. But it's amazing when you meet
Speaker 1: somebody else and you realize I'm not that bad guy anymore.
Speaker 1: Like I don't have that tendency to fly off the
Speaker 1: handle and to get angry. I don't have that tendency
Speaker 1: to nag or to be hurtful back. I just want
Speaker 1: a lover. It's crazy. You didn't change, but the person
Speaker 1: that you're with, that new dynamic, the new chemistry is
Speaker 1: just different. And you'll find that. So I got to
Speaker 1: tell you, Rhett, you're either going to drag this out
Speaker 1: for a year or another two years. You're going to
Speaker 1: do that, or you're going to realize soon the fighting's
Speaker 1: not worth it. Life is too short. I'm eighteen, I
Speaker 1: have so much life ahead of me, so much more
Speaker 1: to figure out in relationships, and I've just spinning my
Speaker 1: wheels in this fighting relationship right now. Now, you're going
Speaker 1: to be heartbroken when this happens, because when you break
Speaker 1: up with her, I'm hoping you do. When you break
Speaker 1: up with her, the good memories will instantly outweigh the bad,
Speaker 1: and you'll forget about the fights, and you'll forget about
Speaker 1: how bad they were, and you'll go back to her.
Speaker 1: You'll rebound right back to her and it'll be great
Speaker 1: for a week, and then the first fight starts again
Speaker 1: and then you remember, oh yeah, now I remember while
Speaker 1: we broke up because she's crazy and I'm fifty percent
Speaker 1: crazy on my side, and so you'll break up again.
Speaker 1: This could happen like three times. I'm telling you, I'm
Speaker 1: predicting your future. And then finally, after the last heartbreak,
Speaker 1: whether it's two or three times, you'll move on. It'll
Speaker 1: get easier. The heartbreak will slowly, slowly diminish over months
Speaker 1: of time, you'll start feeling better. You'll meet somebody new.
Speaker 1: You'll get scared because you think that this jackal and
Speaker 1: hide's about to come out. And then with the new person,
Speaker 1: if it's the right one, you think, huh, I'm a
Speaker 1: lot better now. I think I've changed and you really didn't.
Speaker 1: It's just the new chemistry. Thank you all for your emails.
Speaker 1: We'll see you next Monday. IIG thanks for joining me
Speaker 1: on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys.
Speaker 1: You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.
Speaker 1: If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that
Speaker 1: little like button and notification spell so that you know
Speaker 1: ever miss anytime I upload a video. If you have
Speaker 1: a question for me that you would like me to answer,
Speaker 1: email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Ye