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Speaker 1: So I gotta tell you rhtt you're either going to

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Speaker 1: drag this out for a year or another two years.

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Speaker 1: You're gonna do that, or you're gonna realize soon the

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Speaker 1: fighting's not worth it. Life is too short. What's up, guys,

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Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for watching, Thank you

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Speaker 1: for listening. Whatever platform you're coming from, whether it's YouTube

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Speaker 1: or Spotify or Apple podcast. Maybe you found me on TikTok,

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Speaker 1: maybe you found me through After Midnight my radio show.

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Speaker 1: However you got here, thank you for being here. I

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Speaker 1: love doing this. We're going to walk through your questions

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Speaker 1: real time, long form, no notes, no edits, no cuts.

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Speaker 1: I don't know what's coming at me, and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to talk through it as though me and you are

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Speaker 1: friends and you asked me for advice. I might not

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Speaker 1: have the right advice, but I'm just going to tell

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Speaker 1: you what comes to my mind when I read this.

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Speaker 1: If you want to be on this podcast with your question,

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Speaker 1: email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com, and I'm going

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Speaker 1: to get to the list here today. The first question

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Speaker 1: subject line says, this little slash big thing my husband does.

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Speaker 1: He says, I'd like to stay anonymous. I've been married

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Speaker 1: to my husband for twelve years. He proposed to me

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Speaker 1: within the first year of that, and we were together.

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Speaker 1: Everything seemed perfect. He seemed head over heels from me,

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Speaker 1: and for some reason, during this time things changed. He

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Speaker 1: started struggling and reliving the past. When I say the past,

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Speaker 1: I mean it's mostly things, events, people that were prior

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Speaker 1: to me. He struggles with condemning himself for our children

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Speaker 1: not having as good a life as he had when

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Speaker 1: he was younger. He relives and longs for the vehicles, money,

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Speaker 1: and good times he had before he was with me.

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Speaker 1: The big thing is he has confessed feeling guilty for

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Speaker 1: things he did to his girlfriend and often thinks of

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Speaker 1: ways to fix what he did back then to her.

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Speaker 1: He's reached out to her before, and even kept pictures

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Speaker 1: and special things from her in our garage. It's gotten

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Speaker 1: to the point where I could feel or sense when

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Speaker 1: he's thinking about her, and he'll shut down and separate

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Speaker 1: himself from our family and be distant. We've talked about it.

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Speaker 1: He'll confess these feelings and these things, and he'll break

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Speaker 1: down and sometimes even cry. When I press him to

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Speaker 1: reach out and fix whatever he needs to be fixed.

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Speaker 1: Then he will say it's stupid and he doesn't love

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Speaker 1: her and he was just having a moment. While I'm

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Speaker 1: really glad he's comfortable talking to me about this, it

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Speaker 1: kills me all caps. I can't help but feel that

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Speaker 1: he regrets marrying me, while I'm the one with the

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Speaker 1: ring on the finger, I still can't help but feel

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Speaker 1: unwanted in someone else's spot. I start to feel guilty

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Speaker 1: that I even came into my husband's life, and even

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Speaker 1: wonder if he's supposed to be with his former girlfriend.

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Speaker 1: I've found ways to cope and deal with these unwanted

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Speaker 1: feelings by running to the cross. I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: ask why he is doing this, but instead what can

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Speaker 1: I do as a godly woman to pull him back

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Speaker 1: into the present with us? Or would you say I

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Speaker 1: should instead be mentally and physically preparing myself for not

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Speaker 1: being together forever even though we're married. Is this man

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Speaker 1: still in love with his ex girlfriend from over sixteen

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Speaker 1: years ago? Wow? What a question to start the podcast.

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Speaker 1: Number one question to lead off, What my Goodness? First

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Speaker 1: of all, Anonymous, I am so impressed with your courage

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Speaker 1: and with your understanding of the situation. Oh my goodness,

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Speaker 1: Oh I don't think a lot of wives would be

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Speaker 1: able to handle this with as much grace as you

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Speaker 1: are doing. And I feel like you are doing all

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Speaker 1: the right things. You've maybe you've listened to my podcast

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Speaker 1: or you're just new, but either way, you know exactly

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Speaker 1: how I feel about these situations. And you even know

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Speaker 1: that I read act asking God, why ever? And instead

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Speaker 1: what what? God? What are you trying to show me

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Speaker 1: in the situation. It's interesting when we pray sometimes and

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Speaker 1: we ask for strength and to build our strength, he

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Speaker 1: gives us troubles to deal with to enhance our strength,

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Speaker 1: and that's what he's doing with you. And I want

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Speaker 1: to validate your concern and your feeling about this, and

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Speaker 1: I think you're doing everything right. Here's the first thing

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Speaker 1: I want to dive into is the last thing that

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Speaker 1: you said here, should I be mentally preparing myself for

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Speaker 1: not being together forever? I want to I want to

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Speaker 1: kind of unpack that a little bit with you, because

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Speaker 1: I want I want to say and I know I

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Speaker 1: feel like I know you because here long email, but

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Speaker 1: and so I'm not saying anything that you don't already know,

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Speaker 1: but I want you, I want to encourage you to

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Speaker 1: fight for your husband and fight for your marriage. Don't

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Speaker 1: give up on this, don't stop trying, don't start preparing

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Speaker 1: for maybe you're not going to be together, because I

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Speaker 1: think if you start that preparation, that's going to reflect

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Speaker 1: back into you. You're not going to want to fight

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Speaker 1: as hard. You're not going to want to dig into

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Speaker 1: him as hard because you're preparing yourself for protecting your

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Speaker 1: heart and being ready for divorce. And I don't believe

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Speaker 1: in divorce. I believe we fight for our marriages. And

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Speaker 1: no one ever said that marriage was going to be easy.

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Speaker 1: No one ever said, you're getting married, great now, it's

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Speaker 1: going to be a cakewalk. Have fun, you know, enjoy

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Speaker 1: the rest of your life. It's going to be easy.

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Speaker 1: I don't think I've ever heard a human ever say

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Speaker 1: that ever. Even the best marriages, even the people that

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Speaker 1: are that never even fight with each other. You're going

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Speaker 1: to have struggles, and you're going to have things that

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Speaker 1: come up, whether it's between your relationship or directly outside

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Speaker 1: your relationship that penetrates into it. But you're going to

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Speaker 1: have problems. And that's just the way it is. Now

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Speaker 1: the result of fighting for that. First of all, you know, Biblically,

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Speaker 1: we have to fight because because marriage is that important,

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Speaker 1: it's it's a covenant under God, and you know that.

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Speaker 1: And the struggles your husband is is dealing with, I

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Speaker 1: just I think you're doing some great things and I

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Speaker 1: want to continue to lean into him, and I would

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Speaker 1: continue to be the person that he could talk to

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Speaker 1: about anything, including an ex girlfriend that he might still

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Speaker 1: have feelings for, or that he's regretting something that he did.

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Speaker 1: As bad as that sounds, the last thing you want

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Speaker 1: to do is shut him out from that kind of

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Speaker 1: communication with you so that he can't even talk to

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Speaker 1: you about it. It's tearing him up and he can't

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Speaker 1: even talk to his own wife about it. So even

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Speaker 1: though that this kills you, and it should, and I

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Speaker 1: agree with you, and I validate that that should kill you,

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Speaker 1: and I think you should tell him that and not

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Speaker 1: in a nagging or or degrading way or judgment type way.

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Speaker 1: I think I think you just say I want to

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Speaker 1: talk to you about this because because I love you

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Speaker 1: and I need you to know that whatever you're struggling with,

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Speaker 1: I'm in it too with you because I'm I'm connected

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Speaker 1: with you, and because we have a bond and we

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Speaker 1: have a covenant together and because I love you and

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Speaker 1: we have children together. Whatever it is you're dealing with,

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Speaker 1: whether that it's this other girl, or memories from your

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Speaker 1: past or or feeling like you're not worthy in the present,

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Speaker 1: whatever it is, I'm in it with you, and I

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Speaker 1: gotta be honest with you. It kills me. It kills

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Speaker 1: me when I when I see you like this, and

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Speaker 1: when you go through these moments and you're not including me,

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Speaker 1: and you have to I'm telling you, guys operate differently.

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Speaker 1: You have to tell them in a loving way, not

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Speaker 1: a judgmental way, or not a nagging way, like like,

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Speaker 1: don't ever come to him and say, well you thinking

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Speaker 1: about her again, you're just leaving. You got kids with

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Speaker 1: me and and and I feel left out and I

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Speaker 1: feel not wanted. Don't do that. Just say I want

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Speaker 1: to talk to this. I want to talk about this,

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Speaker 1: and and find him sometime away from the kids, when

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Speaker 1: you guys can have some quiet time, maybe maybe at

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Speaker 1: dinner and you and you just say I want to

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Speaker 1: talk about this. I want to I want to dig

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Speaker 1: it up. I can't believe you. You gave him the

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Speaker 1: option to go back to her and reconcile like, that's amazing.

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Speaker 1: That's that's an amazing thing. That's that's that takes so

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Speaker 1: much courage and selflessness that you have offered that to him. Now,

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Speaker 1: what he does with that, I don't know. That's that's

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Speaker 1: in his court. And and we hope that, uh, if

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Speaker 1: he does take that option, that it's in a godly

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Speaker 1: way and a righteous way back to you. But uh,

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Speaker 1: but goodness, this is this is quite I don't think

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Speaker 1: I've ever gotten an email quite like this one, and

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Speaker 1: and I feel like there's a lot of hope in it.

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Speaker 1: I feel like there's a lot of hope for you guys,

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Speaker 1: And I feel good about the situation. I don't. I

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Speaker 1: don't feel good about where you are right now currently,

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Speaker 1: but I do feel good about the outcome because I

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Speaker 1: just think you are you're You're an incredible woman that

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Speaker 1: is seeing the big picture here. And he's going through

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Speaker 1: a season, and this season will pass and it's not

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Speaker 1: going to last forever, Like this isn't going to be

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Speaker 1: going on ten years down the road. He's still dealing

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Speaker 1: with this. This is a season, and I believe it's

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Speaker 1: a short season for him, and he's going through some

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Speaker 1: kind of some kind of period in his life where

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Speaker 1: he's he's doubting the decisions that he's made. And when

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Speaker 1: you start doubting the decisions you've made, you start feeling

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Speaker 1: less of a man, and you feel like that's why

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Speaker 1: he's telling his kids that I feel like I'm not

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Speaker 1: the good dad. Would you say you said he's condemning

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Speaker 1: himself for our children as not being having as good

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Speaker 1: a life as he had when he was younger. I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's that's guilt. Guilt is a thief and a liar,

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Speaker 1: and it's just corroding him from the inside. So continue

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Speaker 1: to lean in, continue to keep the communication open, don't nag,

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Speaker 1: Just love, love him, be there, give him some space

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Speaker 1: if he needs it, but also be available to talk

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Speaker 1: whenever he does. Don't give up on the marriage. That's

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Speaker 1: what I would say for now. Next question, subject line

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Speaker 1: says quick question about my faith. Hey Grangeer, my name's Mac.

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Speaker 1: I'm nineteen years old from Oregon. It says, the first off,

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Speaker 1: I want to say, I admire your love of Jesus

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Speaker 1: and how you're so open about your faith. He says,

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Speaker 1: I feel like my walk with Jesus is very staggered

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Speaker 1: and clumsy, I fall into old habits without realizing it,

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Speaker 1: and then I'm left with the same regrets. I have

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Speaker 1: a hard time growing my faith and making time for God.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if it's just me or the people

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Speaker 1: around me that I surround myself with. I'm in this

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Speaker 1: constant loop of envying the Christians that are confident in

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Speaker 1: and how in touch they are with God, and how

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Speaker 1: I want to be like them, and yet I don't

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Speaker 1: go to church or find the time to read the Word.

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Speaker 1: Although I don't think I would have to go to

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Speaker 1: church to be in touch with Him, I just think

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Speaker 1: it would be I would be better off to find

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Speaker 1: a church that I enjoy and connect with to grow

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Speaker 1: my faith. I'm also fairly new to reading the Word

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Speaker 1: and preaching what it writes. I'm not an insecure person

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Speaker 1: by any means, but when it comes to my faith,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm not involved as others are. I

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Speaker 1: know God forgives my sins because we are human, but

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Speaker 1: how do I grow my faith? Does it matter who

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Speaker 1: I surround myself with. Most of my friends are Christian,

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Speaker 1: but they never talk about God or their faith. I

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Speaker 1: know everyone's walk with God is different, and it all

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Speaker 1: happens with time. But I want to be devoted, a

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Speaker 1: devoted woman of God. I don't have a full understanding,

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Speaker 1: but I'm trying to get there. I just want to

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Speaker 1: live my life to Jesus, and I feel stuck in

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Speaker 1: a loop. I can't seem to find the right step

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Speaker 1: to take. And I'm kind of paraphrasing here, but how

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Speaker 1: do I break the fear of missing out? Anyway? Thank

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Speaker 1: you Granger for taking the time to read this. I

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Speaker 1: hope to come see you play in August when you

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Speaker 1: come to Roseberg. Great. So this question comes from Mac,

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Speaker 1: and Mac is a girl, and I didn't realize that

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Speaker 1: until halfway through. Mac, Yeah, let me dive into this.

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Speaker 1: It's it's a good question. You're not alone in thinking

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Speaker 1: any of this stuff. But I want to I want

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Speaker 1: to kind of pick at you a little bit. I

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Speaker 1: want to kind of poke at you. Okay, the first

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Speaker 1: thing I want to poke at because I want to

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Speaker 1: be I'm not going to say things that make you

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Speaker 1: feel good. I'm going to say things that I think

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Speaker 1: you need to hear and and and by saying that,

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Speaker 1: I want to I want to reject the idea of

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Speaker 1: you looking at other Christians like they are better than

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Speaker 1: you or have more than you, because that is false,

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Speaker 1: and I'm not one of them. We are all sinners. Okay.

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Speaker 1: The story the story of the Gospel. It's the story

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Speaker 1: of the hero slaying the dragon and getting the girl

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Speaker 1: in the end. That's the story of the Bible. That's

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Speaker 1: the story of Jesus slaying the dragon and getting the

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Speaker 1: girl in the end. But here's the catch. The girl

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Speaker 1: in the end that the hero gets is a prostitute.

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Speaker 1: We're not a queen like the church the bride or

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Speaker 1: the church the bride is a prostitute that is not

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Speaker 1: worthy of being saved by the dragon. But we're saved anyway,

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Speaker 1: all of us. Nobody is better than anybody else. Some

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Speaker 1: of us have a stronger faith. But faith itself is

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Speaker 1: a gift too that it's a gift to us. It's

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Speaker 1: not something we have grown on our own. It's something

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Speaker 1: that was given to us, and that understanding is a gift.

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Speaker 1: So because of that gift, and because we're all a prostitute,

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Speaker 1: we don't deserve any of it. And that leaves us

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Speaker 1: with nothing but praise that the hero slayed the dragon

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Speaker 1: that we couldn't ever defeat and saved us when we

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Speaker 1: weren't worthy of being saved. That's the love story here.

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Speaker 1: That's why this love story is so incredible because we

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Speaker 1: didn't deserve it, and everything is a gift. So I'm

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Speaker 1: going to dive in and I'm want to poke at

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Speaker 1: you here because you're telling me. You're telling me that

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Speaker 1: you're you're struggling, you're in a loop, you're not getting

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Speaker 1: any better, you're not growing your faith. But then you

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Speaker 1: straight up will tell me you don't go to church

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Speaker 1: or read the word. And so I've said, you know,

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Speaker 1: analogies on this podcast. It's like it's like a you know,

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Speaker 1: I've said this before. It's like a batter that playing

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Speaker 1: baseball that goes to the coach and says, I'm in

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Speaker 1: a slump. I can't hit anything. I'm in a loop.

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Speaker 1: I go up to bat and I strike out and

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Speaker 1: I cannot I can not get better at this. And

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Speaker 1: the coach says, okay, let me help you. Let me

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Speaker 1: let me help you. First of all, tell me what

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Speaker 1: you're doing. What are you doing to try to get

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Speaker 1: out of the slump. Are you practicing your swing at

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Speaker 1: a batting cage? No, are you videoing yourself and watching

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Speaker 1: your form and playing it back. No, are you you're

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Speaker 1: going out to the field and having somebody pitch to

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Speaker 1: you all the time and you're trying to work on

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Speaker 1: your curveball or your fastball. No, but you want to

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Speaker 1: get better at your swing. Yeah, I want to get

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Speaker 1: better at my swing. You see that, You see the disconnect, Like,

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Speaker 1: that's what you're telling me, And you say, although, here's

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Speaker 1: your here's your line. Although I don't think you have

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Speaker 1: to go to church to be in touch with him?

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Speaker 1: Do you not? Like? Where? Where does that? Where does that?

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Speaker 1: Where's that? In the Bible? You don't have to be

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Speaker 1: around other believers, you don't have to be in church.

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Speaker 1: Where does it say that? Because the church is the prostitute,

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Speaker 1: it is the bride. It's it's what he slayed the

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Speaker 1: dragon for, and so why did he slay the dragon?

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Speaker 1: It's it's like saying, if the church, if the church

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Speaker 1: is the bride of Christ, which is that's the analogy

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Speaker 1: the Bible makes, then it would be equivalent to what

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Speaker 1: you said. It's going up to one of your friends

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Speaker 1: that's married and saying, I really like you a lot,

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Speaker 1: I love you, but I can't I can't just can't

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Speaker 1: stand your husband. I don't like him very much. I

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Speaker 1: don't like him. I like you don't. Don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 1: I love you, but I just I don't care for

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Speaker 1: your husband. Like what would your friends say to that?

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Speaker 1: How would she react to that? I don't think she

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Speaker 1: would take that very well. And that's what you're saying.

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Speaker 1: And then the other thing I don't. I don't read

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Speaker 1: the word like that's the batting cage. You want to

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Speaker 1: get better at your swing, The word is your batting cage.

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Speaker 1: Like when you pray, you're you're you're sending your communication up.

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Speaker 1: But when you read the word, he's speaking back to

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Speaker 1: you through the word. So you're not reading it and

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Speaker 1: you're not going to church. I mean, I don't really

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Speaker 1: have to think about anything else in the email besides that.

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Speaker 1: Try and try that. Go to church, hey, even if

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Speaker 1: you don't want to, even if you've got I'm listen.

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Speaker 1: I just finished a book that's going to come out

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Speaker 1: next year. But I was, I was in your exact position,

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Speaker 1: So I'm not speaking down to you. I'm speaking as

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Speaker 1: a beggar telling another beggar where I found bread. Like

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Speaker 1: I'm no better, but I did get to eat and

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Speaker 1: let me show you where I found food. And so

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Speaker 1: many times it starts with going just going to church,

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Speaker 1: just showing up. You don't have to dress up. But

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Speaker 1: you know, I was always worried about, like, well, the

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Speaker 1: Cowboys are playing football and TV. I can't miss that,

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Speaker 1: or I'm traveling and I'm really tired. I stayed up

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Speaker 1: late last night at a concert. But you don't have

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Speaker 1: to want to go. You go because you need to go,

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Speaker 1: and yes, yes you need to go. You need to

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Speaker 1: show up. You need to hear what God has to

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Speaker 1: say that morning. And then you continue that on not

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Speaker 1: just Sunday morning, but on Monday you continue again, you

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Speaker 1: dive back into the word again. You go, God, what

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Speaker 1: I'm about to open this word, the inspired word by you,

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Speaker 1: the word that people, thousands of people died for so

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Speaker 1: that I could have this book, and I'm gonna read it.

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Speaker 1: I'm gonna se what you gotta say about it about

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Speaker 1: me today? What do you have to say to me?

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Speaker 1: Open my eyes, open my ears to the message that's

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Speaker 1: coming to me, because I'm gonna read it. So faith

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Speaker 1: is an action. It's an action. It's not work. Don't

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Speaker 1: work towards God. You don't have to do certain things

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Speaker 1: to get closer to him. But if you want to

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Speaker 1: be with him, get into the word, show up to

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Speaker 1: church on Sunday. In fact, let's take a break and

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Speaker 1: be right back. If you want to connect with me,

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Speaker 1: there's two really easy ways to do it. One you

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Speaker 1: could see me in person. Go to grangersmith dot com.

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Speaker 1: Click on the homepage. It says meet Granger on a

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Speaker 1: tab right there. Click it and find out how to

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Speaker 1: meet me at any place we're going this year, probably

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Speaker 1: all over, hopefully close to you. The second way is

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Speaker 1: cameo dot com slash granger Smith. You can get a

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Speaker 1: video shout out from me. It could be about an

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Speaker 1: anniversary or birthday, maybe just to pick me up a congratulations,

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Speaker 1: whatever it might be. I'll send you a personal video

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Speaker 1: from my phone saying what you need me to say.

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Speaker 1: Go to cameo dot com slash Granger Smith or download

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Speaker 1: the cameo app and search for me Grangersmith. All right.

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Speaker 1: Next question, subject CLIENTE says help for a friend. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I have a question about a friend of mine. A

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Speaker 1: little backstory. My friend got leukemia a couple years ago

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Speaker 1: and has really been changed by it since then. He

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Speaker 1: shut out most of his friends that he grew up with. Why.

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Speaker 1: I really don't know the reason. All I have to

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Speaker 1: say is I'm pretty much his only friend, and he's

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Speaker 1: complaining about being lonely, bored and having no social life,

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Speaker 1: but refuses to change any of that. How do I

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Speaker 1: encourage him to get out there and to do more

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Speaker 1: social events and make more friends. Whenever I talk to him,

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Speaker 1: he seems somewhat depressed and it's always complaining that he'll

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Speaker 1: never have a love since he's since he's twenty five

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Speaker 1: and only getting older. Hopefully this makes sense. Any input

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Speaker 1: would be appreciated. Thanks Harrison, Thank you Harrison, thanks for

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Speaker 1: the email. First of all, let's just say twenty five

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Speaker 1: mats young. That is super young. So what I want

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Speaker 1: to encourage you to do with this is work on

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Speaker 1: not trying to correct him and not trying to push

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Speaker 1: him into situations, social events, other girls, whatever, that Just

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Speaker 1: be there. Just just be there and just love him

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Speaker 1: as a brother, you know. Just he's been through leukemia

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Speaker 1: and you say something's changed, and you don't know what. Well,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what. I've never had leukemia and you

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Speaker 1: I don't think you have either, so we don't really

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Speaker 1: know what he went through, or how difficult that was,

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Speaker 1: or what kind of what kind of new perspective he

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Speaker 1: got new lens that he was able to look at

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Speaker 1: life with this idea of his own mortality like that

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Speaker 1: changes people. I would I would expect that would change

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Speaker 1: me or you. So I can't. I can't begin to

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Speaker 1: understand what he's going through. So me and you, we

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Speaker 1: don't have to, and we shouldn't. We just be there

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Speaker 1: to love him as a brother and to if he

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Speaker 1: doesn't have any friends, but you be that friend, pour

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Speaker 1: into him. Don't expect anything from him, lower your expectations

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Speaker 1: for what you need from him as a friend, and

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Speaker 1: instead pour into him everything. Pick him up dinner, go

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Speaker 1: pick him up to take him to the movies, go

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Speaker 1: do some fun stuff together. And if he doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to go, just go hang. Just go sit on the

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Speaker 1: couch and hang and just talk and do whatever you

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Speaker 1: gotta do. If he doesn't want to talk about leukemia

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Speaker 1: or friends or being lonely, change the subject, talk about

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Speaker 1: the new movie top Gun. I don't know, but just

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Speaker 1: pour into him. It's understandable that he's going through a

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Speaker 1: difficult time and that this time is probably going to

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Speaker 1: last several years. You can't control that. You can't control him,

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Speaker 1: you can't control his thoughts or emotions, but you can

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Speaker 1: control you and how you react to him. So pour

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Speaker 1: into him, blower your expectations of what you want from him,

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Speaker 1: and instead just give him everything. Be there for him,

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Speaker 1: take care of him, learn his love language. Is it

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Speaker 1: acts of service? Do stuff for him? Is it gifts?

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Speaker 1: Get them a couple of things every once in a while,

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Speaker 1: Bring them a hamburger? Is it words of affirmation? Go

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Speaker 1: sit on the couch with him and tell him that

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Speaker 1: you're an awesome dude today, not before leukemia, right now,

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Speaker 1: You're awesome. I can't imagine what you've gone through. Is

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Speaker 1: the quality time? Just go hang out with him, spend

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Speaker 1: time with him, learn who he is, pour into him.

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Speaker 1: That's what a friend does. Here's another question, subject line

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Speaker 1: chronic loneliness. Dear Grangeer, thanks for being awesome. I just

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Speaker 1: saw you for the first time live. I relocated to

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Speaker 1: Central Texas from Dallas to Dallas from Nashville from my

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Speaker 1: hometown in Ohio. I'm a strong independent woman that does

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Speaker 1: everything alone, including going to concerts, movies, sit down restaurants,

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Speaker 1: and traveling. This was fine until here. Recently, I started

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Speaker 1: getting bad looks from everyone around me. I'm twenty seven

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Speaker 1: years old and I've yet to make a friend. Any

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Speaker 1: advice for overcoming loneliness. I should introduce you to the

427
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:06,399
Speaker 1: other guy that just got over leukemia, she says. I

428
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,680
Speaker 1: have prayed for years for an answer. I've tried to

429
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,720
Speaker 1: go into church to meet people, but I'm at a

430
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:14,680
Speaker 1: weird age where everyone around me has friends, kids and families.

431
00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:19,840
Speaker 1: Thanks sincerely, Tests, Test, thank you for the email. Thanks

432
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:23,080
Speaker 1: for being vulnerable and opening up with this. It's so

433
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:24,960
Speaker 1: so Now we have the other side of loneliness. Now

434
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,959
Speaker 1: we just talked about a friend that was dealing with it.

435
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,480
Speaker 1: Now we have you that's in it, which is which

436
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 1: is interesting, right? I Mean if you put all these

437
00:24:32,560 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 1: emails together, we could see people are just hurting and

438
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:39,879
Speaker 1: looking for answers and searching and wanting community, wanting to

439
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,720
Speaker 1: be together and wanting to have friends. Like that's such

440
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,720
Speaker 1: a such a big thing, and yet we just search

441
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,639
Speaker 1: for it, like we're just digging for gold, and we

442
00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:54,639
Speaker 1: can't seem to find it sometimes. So reading your email,

443
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,840
Speaker 1: the first thing I would do is to shed shed

444
00:24:56,880 --> 00:25:01,960
Speaker 1: this identity of strong, independent woman that does everything alone,

445
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 1: because I think you've correct me if I'm wrong, but

446
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:11,119
Speaker 1: you've debunked that because you're not. This is now backfired

447
00:25:11,119 --> 00:25:16,280
Speaker 1: on you because now you're hurting with loneliness because you

448
00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 1: have put on a facade of being a strong independent

449
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 1: woman that does everything alone, and you never had to

450
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:27,240
Speaker 1: to begin with, and no one expected you to. You're not.

451
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,160
Speaker 1: You don't have a better resume because you could write

452
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:33,840
Speaker 1: I'm a strong independent woman that does everything alone. Like

453
00:25:34,119 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 1: I'm not going to pat you on the back for that,

454
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:40,159
Speaker 1: because I'm not a strong independent man that does everything alone.

455
00:25:41,359 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: I can. You can, but and we like to sometimes,

456
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:51,560
Speaker 1: and some people more than other times. But all of

457
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:55,919
Speaker 1: us as humans, like we're tribal beast. We need community,

458
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,399
Speaker 1: we need a gang. We want to be in a gang,

459
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,879
Speaker 1: and we need our people. That's why we divide up politically.

460
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,879
Speaker 1: Have you ever noticed that we divide up politically because

461
00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:08,879
Speaker 1: we love to be in tribes. Like I'm in this

462
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,840
Speaker 1: tribe and I believe this, and so I'm gonna search

463
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:15,040
Speaker 1: for other people in my tribe and I'll defend them

464
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:16,960
Speaker 1: to the end, and I'll fight off the other guys

465
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,320
Speaker 1: no matter what, because that's my tribe. And you say

466
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:25,920
Speaker 1: something against me politically or emotionally, socially, whatever, and you're

467
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,359
Speaker 1: going against my tribe. I will fight to the death

468
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:32,800
Speaker 1: over this because you're causing harm to my people, to

469
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:37,120
Speaker 1: my tribe, and that's what you want. You're twenty seven

470
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:40,280
Speaker 1: and you're super young. I was single at twenty seven.

471
00:26:40,359 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 1: I didn't have a wife or kids or anything. So

472
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,880
Speaker 1: me and you were on the same path. So I

473
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 1: understand seeing others and feeling like they're judging you because

474
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:53,880
Speaker 1: they have a family, they're married, or they have friends.

475
00:26:55,119 --> 00:26:59,040
Speaker 1: But that's I could read plenty of emails where people

476
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:02,199
Speaker 1: are having problems their marriages. I could read you the

477
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,440
Speaker 1: email I just read right before this one where there's

478
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 1: a problem with friendship. So they're not better off. Trust me,

479
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 1: they're not better off because they're married or because they

480
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,720
Speaker 1: have more friends than you. So there's no weird looks.

481
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,240
Speaker 1: If anything, You're in a really good situation because you're

482
00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,679
Speaker 1: at the foundation level and you get to build everything

483
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,440
Speaker 1: up like these other people have to do demo work

484
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,199
Speaker 1: and tear down buildings and get back down to the

485
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 1: foundation and start over. But you you're only building up.

486
00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:34,600
Speaker 1: There's no demo work involved. Okay, that's a good place

487
00:27:34,640 --> 00:27:37,280
Speaker 1: to be. It's a lonely place, it could feel lonely,

488
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,639
Speaker 1: but it's a really good place for the long term

489
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:47,159
Speaker 1: because you're starting from scratch right now. So what I

490
00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:50,080
Speaker 1: usually say, you know, after you shed this identity and

491
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:53,160
Speaker 1: after you shed the idea that people are look giving

492
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,200
Speaker 1: you weird looks, like, stop thinking that. Stop thinking people

493
00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,159
Speaker 1: are giving you weird looks. I guarantee you people have

494
00:27:59,320 --> 00:28:02,720
Speaker 1: enough problem on their own with their own identity and

495
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:05,920
Speaker 1: their own lives and their own relationships that they don't

496
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:12,240
Speaker 1: really care how much you look different. Like you're reading

497
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,480
Speaker 1: that wrong. Like people just people have too many issues

498
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: to really invest themselves in yours, even though it might

499
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,800
Speaker 1: seem like it. So shed that, shed your independent woman identity,

500
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:29,760
Speaker 1: and just pour into society. Go find a hobby that

501
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:34,119
Speaker 1: you love. Pick something you love, anything, any group or

502
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:38,719
Speaker 1: organization or game or sport or knitting, whatever it is,

503
00:28:38,840 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 1: Pour into that and go and find your people. Find

504
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:45,040
Speaker 1: your tribe, and you will. You'll find your tribe. And

505
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:47,960
Speaker 1: this is the place to find friends. This is where

506
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 1: you're going to find your friends. Okay, next question. This

507
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:53,960
Speaker 1: is a kind of a lighthearted question. Subject line says

508
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 1: Chevy and petrol prices. Hey Grandeur, my name is Hans

509
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,960
Speaker 1: from Norway. Have a question to you about American trucks.

510
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:02,160
Speaker 1: I really love Chevy, Ford and GMC, but I feel

511
00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:05,600
Speaker 1: like some of them drink way too much gasoline. Which

512
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,520
Speaker 1: type of truck should I buy right now? I have

513
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,600
Speaker 1: a Chevy Suburban nineteen ninety five v. Eight five point

514
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: seven Leader. Thanks for your time, Hans hans Man. Anything

515
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,080
Speaker 1: you get, anything is going to be better than your

516
00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:23,000
Speaker 1: Chevy Suburban. Uh from nineteen ninety five. I promise you anything,

517
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 1: So don't worry about that. Here're gonna be any of

518
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,520
Speaker 1: these new trucks. Now, nothing is nothing is great, nothing

519
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:33,960
Speaker 1: is given you a you know, there's nothing's better than

520
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,120
Speaker 1: like a Prius if that's what you're looking for. And

521
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,960
Speaker 1: I'm sure in Norway a lot more people drive lighter

522
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,719
Speaker 1: cars that are that are a lot better than than trucks.

523
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 1: But you seem to be my kind of guy. You're

524
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:48,920
Speaker 1: a country guy, and so uh, anything newer than nineteen

525
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,760
Speaker 1: ninety five is going to be It's going to be

526
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,760
Speaker 1: a lot better than your your Sevy Chevy Suburban. I

527
00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:55,280
Speaker 1: used to have one like that. By the way, A

528
00:29:55,400 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 1: nineties Chevy Suburban. It's really good. I'm going to move

529
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:05,600
Speaker 1: on to one that it says husband has an addiction.

530
00:30:07,400 --> 00:30:09,240
Speaker 1: And I see this a lot, so I'm gonna read

531
00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:12,360
Speaker 1: this question. It says, what can I do to help

532
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,240
Speaker 1: my husband he has a sex addiction. I don't know

533
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:19,960
Speaker 1: how to help him. We've had a active sex life

534
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,960
Speaker 1: as a married couple. We welcomed our fourth child together

535
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,760
Speaker 1: and celebrated eight years of marriage. He used to attend

536
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 1: church with me and has a new job since that

537
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: has him working every Sunday and has kept him out.

538
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:33,800
Speaker 1: He started joining groups on social media where people swap

539
00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:37,040
Speaker 1: nude photos. He was caught and I confronted him. He

540
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 1: claimed his account was hacked. He is always on porn

541
00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:42,280
Speaker 1: sites too. I've tried to explain to him what the

542
00:30:42,280 --> 00:30:45,680
Speaker 1: Bible says about it, and he doesn't understand how it's wrong.

543
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:52,000
Speaker 1: It's deeply hurting me. Please help. Thanks Indiana Mom, oh man,

544
00:30:52,960 --> 00:30:58,200
Speaker 1: Indiana Mom. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability to

545
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:04,720
Speaker 1: email this. This is painful. I'm sure it's it's incredibly

546
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 1: painful for you. I want to I want to look

547
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 1: at this in a couple different ways, because I see

548
00:31:11,760 --> 00:31:16,320
Speaker 1: I see porn addiction questions a lot on this podcast.

549
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:21,720
Speaker 1: And there's two different kinds of of porn addiction. There's

550
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:25,360
Speaker 1: the kind that, well, I'm just speaking for guys, not

551
00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 1: girls right now, Okay. There's the kind that guys feel

552
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:37,040
Speaker 1: remorseful and they feel stuck and sick to themselves that

553
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:39,280
Speaker 1: they're in it, but they can't find a way out.

554
00:31:39,320 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 1: I get those questions a lot, A little less I

555
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:49,000
Speaker 1: get your question. That's where the husband does not know

556
00:31:49,080 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 1: that it's wrong, it does not realize this is what

557
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:57,040
Speaker 1: this is doing. And so for the first group, the

558
00:31:57,080 --> 00:31:58,480
Speaker 1: group of men, I want to I don't I know

559
00:31:58,560 --> 00:31:59,720
Speaker 1: you didn't ask it, but I want to kind of

560
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:02,600
Speaker 1: addres it because because I get so many questions about it,

561
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: and and there is a I think a pretty solid

562
00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:10,959
Speaker 1: solution or remedy. I don't know if there's a solution

563
00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:15,000
Speaker 1: besides God, there's not, but here's a here's an earthly remedy. Okay.

564
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,000
Speaker 1: For the first group that this is the men that

565
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,440
Speaker 1: have an addiction to porn and they want to stop

566
00:32:19,960 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 1: because it's they know it's hurting them and their family.

567
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:26,960
Speaker 1: I talked to a pastor friend of mine that has

568
00:32:27,240 --> 00:32:29,160
Speaker 1: counseled a lot of people in this and he told

569
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 1: me that there is a In fact, he texted me,

570
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:34,040
Speaker 1: let me see if I can let me see if

571
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,720
Speaker 1: he gave me an answer. Yes, okay, perfect, here it

572
00:32:36,760 --> 00:32:39,640
Speaker 1: is he he texted me back. There is a an

573
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:44,240
Speaker 1: app called Covenant Eyes Covenant Eyes at co O V

574
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 1: E n A N T Eyes and it's a you

575
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,920
Speaker 1: can go to Covenant Eyes dot com or it looks

576
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 1: like there's also an app for your phone. And what

577
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:57,280
Speaker 1: this does is it if you're if you're admitting that

578
00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:59,920
Speaker 1: you have a problem, you could sign up for this

579
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 1: app and it literally takes your IP address and it

580
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 1: monitors your search activity on your phone and your computer

581
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:11,280
Speaker 1: and whatever else you have digital and it will it

582
00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:15,160
Speaker 1: knows when you go to a porn site or something

583
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:20,360
Speaker 1: that's subjective like this, and it will send who it

584
00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:23,040
Speaker 1: will send your information to whoever you tell it to

585
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 1: send it to. So when you sign up for the app,

586
00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 1: you could put your mother in law as the recipient,

587
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:32,120
Speaker 1: or your wife or your mother, or your sister, or

588
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:36,240
Speaker 1: your best friend or your pastor whatever. You put someone

589
00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:39,479
Speaker 1: in there as your as your your guardian recipient, your

590
00:33:39,520 --> 00:33:44,280
Speaker 1: accountability partner. And if you go to one of these sites,

591
00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:50,280
Speaker 1: it sends the information to your mother, so your mother

592
00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:53,120
Speaker 1: gets it, gets a log of what sites that you

593
00:33:53,240 --> 00:33:57,280
Speaker 1: went to that were compromising, Like that's that's pretty good.

594
00:33:57,440 --> 00:33:59,320
Speaker 1: Like that, I think that's a really that's a really

595
00:33:59,320 --> 00:34:01,560
Speaker 1: good tool in the tool shed if you're trying to

596
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:05,200
Speaker 1: get away from this. If you know, if I type

597
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:08,719
Speaker 1: in this website, it's sending it the information to my

598
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:13,680
Speaker 1: mother in law, Like that's that's terrifying. That's terrifying, And

599
00:34:13,719 --> 00:34:16,280
Speaker 1: I think it's a great Using that kind of fear

600
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 1: for yourself is great. That being said, let's get back

601
00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:26,840
Speaker 1: to your question. Indiana, Mom, you are you're in the

602
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:30,200
Speaker 1: middle of the fire right now. And the problem is

603
00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:34,839
Speaker 1: the problem is not the porn. That's obvious, like that's

604
00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:38,799
Speaker 1: we're all sinners. So the problem that he's doing these

605
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:41,919
Speaker 1: weird websites where you share nude photos and he's looking

606
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:46,839
Speaker 1: at porn, that's not that's not the problem. That's one

607
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:52,560
Speaker 1: of thousands of sinners problems that we share. The problem

608
00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:58,200
Speaker 1: is his unrepentant heart. The problem is he's not seeing

609
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:02,040
Speaker 1: that it's wrong. He's not seeing that it's damaging you

610
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:06,960
Speaker 1: and him. So so we have to think of a

611
00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:11,840
Speaker 1: different solution for you, Indiana Mom. So I would say,

612
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 1: first of all, this might be an obvious question, but

613
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:19,359
Speaker 1: I have to start here. Have you talked to him

614
00:35:19,400 --> 00:35:23,680
Speaker 1: about this in a non judgmental way? Similar to this

615
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:27,560
Speaker 1: first question I had where the guy was having problems

616
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,799
Speaker 1: still thinking about his ex girlfriend. Similar to that, are

617
00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:36,280
Speaker 1: you talking opening communication with him in a loving way,

618
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:40,120
Speaker 1: not nagging? Not what are you doing? And we have

619
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 1: four kids? You're ruining us? Are you saying, babe? Can

620
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:49,279
Speaker 1: I talk to you about something? Do you know that

621
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:53,320
Speaker 1: I love you? And do you know that it hurts

622
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 1: my heart to know that you're doing this and not

623
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:01,040
Speaker 1: to me, or not to yourself, or not to our

624
00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:05,080
Speaker 1: four kids, but ultimately to God. Do you know that

625
00:36:05,120 --> 00:36:08,720
Speaker 1: you're doing this? Can you can you try to see

626
00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:11,400
Speaker 1: that this is I know you say it's not wrong,

627
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 1: but can you try to see that it's really hurting me?

628
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:19,840
Speaker 1: As you said in your email, it's hurting me deeply.

629
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:25,640
Speaker 1: I can't sleep at night. It really hurts me. And

630
00:36:26,080 --> 00:36:29,520
Speaker 1: do you know do you know this? And for him

631
00:36:29,520 --> 00:36:33,839
Speaker 1: to have that kind of realization that he's hurting you, like,

632
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:38,399
Speaker 1: that's different, right, It's different that he just he's trying

633
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:40,760
Speaker 1: to skate around the fact that this is not wrong.

634
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,640
Speaker 1: It's different. Maybe if he knows he's actually hurting you,

635
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:49,440
Speaker 1: he's he's abusing you in a way, emotionally abusing you.

636
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:52,440
Speaker 1: Does he know that? Have you told him that in

637
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:56,000
Speaker 1: a non judgmental, non naggy way. Let's start with that.

638
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,399
Speaker 1: And then the second thing is that the hard thing

639
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:05,040
Speaker 1: is the church thing. He's working. He can't go to

640
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:10,440
Speaker 1: church when we know that having him around other godly

641
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 1: men that keep him accountable will lead him back ultimately

642
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:21,920
Speaker 1: through God. And anybody that's dealing with sin it's oblivious

643
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:26,520
Speaker 1: that it's a problem. We have to immediately get accountability

644
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 1: around them. Because slipping up and falling into something bad

645
00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:36,360
Speaker 1: is that's one thing, But usually we expect to correct

646
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,920
Speaker 1: that quickly and be able to move out of it, like,

647
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:41,840
Speaker 1: oh gosh, I can't believe I fell into that, and

648
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:44,000
Speaker 1: I've got to get myself back on the right path.

649
00:37:44,640 --> 00:37:47,880
Speaker 1: I got to get myself corrected. But when you're not

650
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,960
Speaker 1: having that kind of repentant heart, that's what I'm talking about.

651
00:37:51,000 --> 00:37:55,080
Speaker 1: When I say that that sounds like a religious word, repentant,

652
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:59,560
Speaker 1: it's just it's a remorseful heart. Like, if you're not

653
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:03,000
Speaker 1: feeling remorse that you're hurting your wife, that's a problem.

654
00:38:03,040 --> 00:38:08,680
Speaker 1: So love him, don't give up on him, don't consider

655
00:38:08,719 --> 00:38:11,719
Speaker 1: divorcing him. Don't get a wondering eye this. So many

656
00:38:11,719 --> 00:38:15,440
Speaker 1: times I've read other emails where this is where the

657
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:17,799
Speaker 1: cheating starts with the wife because she's like, well, he's

658
00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:20,520
Speaker 1: looking at he's looking at porn, and I kind of

659
00:38:20,560 --> 00:38:23,160
Speaker 1: you know, this neighbor down the road is talking sweet

660
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,600
Speaker 1: to me. So if he's going to be doing that,

661
00:38:26,719 --> 00:38:28,879
Speaker 1: he's already done this damage. I'm just going to go here,

662
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:33,120
Speaker 1: So don't do that, Like, that's not the answer. Love him,

663
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:37,680
Speaker 1: don't nag him. Continue going to church, continue taking your

664
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,080
Speaker 1: kids to church, and show him through that example that

665
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,799
Speaker 1: you are a changed woman and that it's affecting you

666
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:46,840
Speaker 1: and that you feel part of a community and you

667
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:49,759
Speaker 1: feel loved. And at first he might have a little

668
00:38:49,760 --> 00:38:52,320
Speaker 1: bit of jealousy towards that, like why is my wife

669
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:54,760
Speaker 1: loving this church so much? Like why is she getting

670
00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:58,560
Speaker 1: so much fulfillment from that? And then hopefully that that

671
00:38:59,400 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 1: jealousy into curiosity, and he's like, maybe I should go,

672
00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,319
Speaker 1: Like maybe I should pick a Sunday and go with

673
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:09,279
Speaker 1: her because she seems like she's getting so much from this.

674
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:14,560
Speaker 1: What he's going to get out of this that he

675
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,319
Speaker 1: doesn't know is he's going to get so much more

676
00:39:16,320 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 1: fulfillment when he leaves it. But the problem is he's

677
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,160
Speaker 1: in it because that's where he's getting fulfillment. It's like

678
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 1: hitting that little endorphin in him. It's hitting that dopamine

679
00:39:32,000 --> 00:39:35,719
Speaker 1: and he's satisfying that this little dopamine loop. But he

680
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,799
Speaker 1: doesn't know that there's something way greater, way more satisfying.

681
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:43,719
Speaker 1: The dopamine is nothing compared to this. Right, lean into him,

682
00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:47,560
Speaker 1: don't give up on him, Surround him with accountability, and

683
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:53,200
Speaker 1: you in the meantime, keep going to church. Let's hit

684
00:39:53,239 --> 00:39:55,520
Speaker 1: one more here, says Relationship Troubles. Hey Granger, my name

685
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,040
Speaker 1: is Rhet. I've been listening to your music and your

686
00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:59,040
Speaker 1: podcast for a long time. I'm eighteen years old. I

687
00:39:59,080 --> 00:40:01,360
Speaker 1: need your advice. I've been with my girlfriend for almost

688
00:40:01,400 --> 00:40:04,919
Speaker 1: two years now and it's gotten rocky. We fight quite

689
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,239
Speaker 1: a bit, and when it does it lasts for a

690
00:40:08,239 --> 00:40:11,880
Speaker 1: couple of days. We both cry and really hard. She

691
00:40:11,960 --> 00:40:14,359
Speaker 1: blames the fights on me, and I know I could

692
00:40:14,400 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 1: be a problem, but sometimes she gets super manipulative and

693
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:19,880
Speaker 1: tries to guilt me. I love her, but I feel

694
00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:22,879
Speaker 1: stuck when we aren't fighting. Our relationship is great. I'm

695
00:40:22,920 --> 00:40:24,920
Speaker 1: just not sure how to fix the fighting. I want

696
00:40:24,960 --> 00:40:29,080
Speaker 1: your opinion. Thanks Granger. Rehet Rhett, you're eighteen. You're in

697
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 1: a rocky relationship with extreme times of fighting. I've been

698
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:44,200
Speaker 1: there before in that, I've been there, and it's very rare.

699
00:40:44,800 --> 00:40:49,239
Speaker 1: Rhet hear me. It's very rare for this to turn

700
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:55,000
Speaker 1: out well, very rare for you to be in this

701
00:40:55,080 --> 00:40:58,840
Speaker 1: relationship that fights all the time and then one day

702
00:41:00,080 --> 00:41:02,480
Speaker 1: figure out a solution on how to not fight, and

703
00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,680
Speaker 1: she agrees with the solution, and then you just don't

704
00:41:04,680 --> 00:41:10,960
Speaker 1: fight and it's good. That is extremely rare. What I'm

705
00:41:10,960 --> 00:41:14,439
Speaker 1: trying to tell you is this relationship probably not gonna work.

706
00:41:15,840 --> 00:41:20,799
Speaker 1: It's amazing when certain people get together and they just

707
00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:24,799
Speaker 1: don't work well together. We all have that person. It

708
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,080
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be a relationship. We have friends like

709
00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:31,280
Speaker 1: that or co workers like that. Certain personalities come together

710
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:35,880
Speaker 1: and it's like fire and ice. Sometimes it's just incredible,

711
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:40,360
Speaker 1: and then the other half of the time it's just hideous.

712
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:45,879
Speaker 1: Typically that just doesn't work. Typically you're going to come

713
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 1: to a point, and I'm predicting this already. You're going

714
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:52,719
Speaker 1: to come to a point where the fighting outweighs the

715
00:41:52,800 --> 00:41:55,319
Speaker 1: love and you're going to go, you know what, I

716
00:41:55,480 --> 00:42:00,160
Speaker 1: just can't do this anymore. It's weighing me down. I

717
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:04,440
Speaker 1: love you. I think the times that are great are awesome,

718
00:42:05,239 --> 00:42:09,880
Speaker 1: but the fights are just too much. And I'm not

719
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:13,839
Speaker 1: blaming you. I'm equally to blame in this. But it's

720
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,120
Speaker 1: amazing when we get out of that and you finally

721
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,919
Speaker 1: break that off and you go find somebody else. It's

722
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:21,879
Speaker 1: crazy how you could find someone else that doesn't bring

723
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,960
Speaker 1: out that bad side of you. Because yes, you're blaming yourself,

724
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 1: and you should, and I blame myself for these relationships.

725
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 1: It's fifty to fifty. But it's amazing when you meet

726
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:36,360
Speaker 1: somebody else and you realize I'm not that bad guy anymore.

727
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,520
Speaker 1: Like I don't have that tendency to fly off the

728
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:42,759
Speaker 1: handle and to get angry. I don't have that tendency

729
00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:48,719
Speaker 1: to nag or to be hurtful back. I just want

730
00:42:48,719 --> 00:42:54,520
Speaker 1: a lover. It's crazy. You didn't change, but the person

731
00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:58,200
Speaker 1: that you're with, that new dynamic, the new chemistry is

732
00:42:58,360 --> 00:43:02,239
Speaker 1: just different. And you'll find that. So I got to

733
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 1: tell you, Rhett, you're either going to drag this out

734
00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:08,560
Speaker 1: for a year or another two years. You're going to

735
00:43:08,600 --> 00:43:14,720
Speaker 1: do that, or you're going to realize soon the fighting's

736
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:18,000
Speaker 1: not worth it. Life is too short. I'm eighteen, I

737
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:21,200
Speaker 1: have so much life ahead of me, so much more

738
00:43:21,239 --> 00:43:23,719
Speaker 1: to figure out in relationships, and I've just spinning my

739
00:43:23,760 --> 00:43:27,759
Speaker 1: wheels in this fighting relationship right now. Now, you're going

740
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:30,359
Speaker 1: to be heartbroken when this happens, because when you break

741
00:43:30,440 --> 00:43:33,319
Speaker 1: up with her, I'm hoping you do. When you break

742
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:38,160
Speaker 1: up with her, the good memories will instantly outweigh the bad,

743
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:40,439
Speaker 1: and you'll forget about the fights, and you'll forget about

744
00:43:40,480 --> 00:43:43,160
Speaker 1: how bad they were, and you'll go back to her.

745
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:46,560
Speaker 1: You'll rebound right back to her and it'll be great

746
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:50,240
Speaker 1: for a week, and then the first fight starts again

747
00:43:50,719 --> 00:43:54,439
Speaker 1: and then you remember, oh yeah, now I remember while

748
00:43:54,440 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 1: we broke up because she's crazy and I'm fifty percent

749
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:01,600
Speaker 1: crazy on my side, and so you'll break up again.

750
00:44:01,640 --> 00:44:05,319
Speaker 1: This could happen like three times. I'm telling you, I'm

751
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:10,560
Speaker 1: predicting your future. And then finally, after the last heartbreak,

752
00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:15,439
Speaker 1: whether it's two or three times, you'll move on. It'll

753
00:44:15,440 --> 00:44:18,960
Speaker 1: get easier. The heartbreak will slowly, slowly diminish over months

754
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:23,200
Speaker 1: of time, you'll start feeling better. You'll meet somebody new.

755
00:44:24,280 --> 00:44:26,800
Speaker 1: You'll get scared because you think that this jackal and

756
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,480
Speaker 1: hide's about to come out. And then with the new person,

757
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:34,080
Speaker 1: if it's the right one, you think, huh, I'm a

758
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:38,640
Speaker 1: lot better now. I think I've changed and you really didn't.

759
00:44:39,239 --> 00:44:44,360
Speaker 1: It's just the new chemistry. Thank you all for your emails.

760
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,080
Speaker 1: We'll see you next Monday. IIG thanks for joining me

761
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:50,359
Speaker 1: on the Grangersmith Podcast. I appreciate all of you. Guys.

762
00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:53,360
Speaker 1: You could help me out by rating this podcast on iTunes.

763
00:44:53,680 --> 00:44:56,680
Speaker 1: If you're on YouTube, subscribe to this channel, hit that

764
00:44:56,760 --> 00:44:59,920
Speaker 1: little like button and notification spell so that you know

765
00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:03,520
Speaker 1: ever miss anytime I upload a video. If you have

766
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:05,640
Speaker 1: a question for me that you would like me to answer,

767
00:45:06,120 --> 00:45:10,799
Speaker 1: email Grangersmith Podcast at gmail dot com. Ye