1 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,640 Speaker 1: I Ami Yamla. I've been very open about the fact 2 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:09,559 Speaker 1: that I was not always good at making my relationships work. 3 00:00:10,119 --> 00:00:13,560 Speaker 1: I have been divorced three times, twice from the same person. 4 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,920 Speaker 1: In other words, I have seen a lot and failed 5 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:21,439 Speaker 1: a lot in my relationships. So I am here to 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,480 Speaker 1: share with you what I learned along the way, because 7 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: I did take copious notes. Welcome to the Our Spot, 8 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:44,520 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. One 9 00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:48,800 Speaker 1: of the things that I find so interesting in relationships 10 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,320 Speaker 1: and the whole drama of the relationships that we have 11 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 1: in our lives, is that we can get so focused 12 00:00:56,280 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: on what we don't have, what didn't happen, what went wrong, 13 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 1: until we totally miss the opportunities and the possibilities and 14 00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:11,959 Speaker 1: the blessings that do exist. And when we're in relationships, 15 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,959 Speaker 1: because we're externally referenced most of the time, we're looking 16 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: outside of ourselves. We only see the person based on 17 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:25,160 Speaker 1: our needs and not based on their needs. And nothing 18 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:29,480 Speaker 1: will turn a relationship on its head quicker than you 19 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:32,679 Speaker 1: looking at what that other person isn't doing, doesn't have, 20 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:38,920 Speaker 1: didn't do. We have to be more present focused in 21 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:46,560 Speaker 1: a relationship and particularly relationships with our parents, caregivers, guardians. 22 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 1: We look at what they didn't give us, what they 23 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:55,800 Speaker 1: should have given us, and not the sacrifice they made 24 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: to give us whatever it was. I always talk about 25 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:06,200 Speaker 1: the mother who gave her children trash. It was trash. 26 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:10,799 Speaker 1: I'm talking stinky trash out the garbage can. Now here's 27 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:15,359 Speaker 1: what the children don't always consider, and that is that 28 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 1: she got up at three o'clock in the morning while 29 00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:21,640 Speaker 1: they were sleeping, and she walked two and a half 30 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:26,440 Speaker 1: miles up to the good part of town, the good neighborhood, 31 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:31,400 Speaker 1: and she dug through the trash cans of the condos 32 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:35,080 Speaker 1: and the high rises to find the best trash she 33 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:38,320 Speaker 1: could find, because she knew that all she had to 34 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:42,240 Speaker 1: give her children was trash, but she made it her 35 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:47,360 Speaker 1: responsibility to get them the best trash that she could find. 36 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: And then she walked back two and a half hours 37 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,160 Speaker 1: with that trash and told careful not to drop a 38 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,640 Speaker 1: piece of it. That's all she had to give. And 39 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:00,960 Speaker 1: when she gave it to the children without them the 40 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:04,520 Speaker 1: five hours that she walked back and forth and how 41 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,800 Speaker 1: many trash can she had to dig through, they focus 42 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:14,360 Speaker 1: on the fact, Oh, Damn, my mama gave me trash 43 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,320 Speaker 1: and not what she had to go through together. Sometimes 44 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:22,640 Speaker 1: all people have to give us it's trash, but we 45 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:27,000 Speaker 1: never consider the effort they made to make sure it 46 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:30,560 Speaker 1: was the best trash they could find. We stay mad 47 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:37,800 Speaker 1: because all they gave us was trash. Relationships they are 48 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:43,400 Speaker 1: so difficult and challenging. And my guest today she's got 49 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: a real challenging one, but there is a solution. Listen up, 50 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: good morning, Welcome to the our spot and what is 51 00:03:55,680 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 1: your relationship issue, challenge, question dilemma This morning, I have 52 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:07,120 Speaker 1: a tough thing with my sister slash guardian. I'm trying 53 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:12,000 Speaker 1: to figure out how to put my foot down without 54 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:18,200 Speaker 1: severing the family relationship because she has an amazing relationship 55 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 1: with my daughter, but she's also undermining my authorities, belittering me. 56 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:29,120 Speaker 1: The whole entire our relationship is extremely toxic. So I'm 57 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:32,000 Speaker 1: trying to figure out what to do because talking to 58 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:37,479 Speaker 1: her isn't working. And every time I try to even 59 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,799 Speaker 1: say anything, it's like I try to have a big voice, 60 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,040 Speaker 1: but then she makes me have a little voice again. 61 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,160 Speaker 1: So I'm just trying to figure out what can I do? Okay, 62 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 1: let me. See if I got this, you have a sister, 63 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:52,800 Speaker 1: I'm assuming she's an older sister. What does that mean 64 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:56,800 Speaker 1: she's your guardian? When my mom passed when I was eight, 65 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:03,000 Speaker 1: she took over guardian ships of me and my brothers. Um. 66 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,760 Speaker 1: But now I'm twenty nine, I'm a full adult, and 67 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:11,360 Speaker 1: you know, I've went through mental abuse with her, physical abuse, 68 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:16,120 Speaker 1: and just all kinds of crazy stuff. So I'm just like, 69 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: how do I fix this? Well? Why do you still 70 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,640 Speaker 1: call her your guardian? Why do you still call her 71 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,599 Speaker 1: your guardian? If you're a grown woman, Why do you 72 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:30,839 Speaker 1: call her that? Um? Because it's it's hard for me 73 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,560 Speaker 1: to say my mom, I don't, I don't, I don't know. 74 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:39,760 Speaker 1: She keeps throwing out and like I said, this extreme 75 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:45,279 Speaker 1: toxic situation, and it's it's it's confusing because one minute 76 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,320 Speaker 1: you want to be my sister, next minute you're trying 77 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:49,280 Speaker 1: to be my mom. So I don't know which one 78 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:53,200 Speaker 1: is she trying to be. I don't know. It's confusing, 79 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,040 Speaker 1: it's toxic and effecting my relationship with my daughter. It's 80 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: affecting a relationship of you know, my mental helps and everything. 81 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,560 Speaker 1: And I just don't know what to do at this point, 82 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,080 Speaker 1: I really want to encourage you to stop saying you 83 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,800 Speaker 1: don't know what to do. You do know what to 84 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:13,919 Speaker 1: do now, whether or not you have the courage to 85 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,119 Speaker 1: do it, that may be what we need to work through. 86 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,919 Speaker 1: Do you and your sister live together? Yes? Why do 87 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:27,200 Speaker 1: you live with her? I ran into financial issues about 88 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,200 Speaker 1: a month ago and I had to move back in 89 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:33,480 Speaker 1: with her, and I'm trying to look for my own 90 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:38,880 Speaker 1: place again, but until then, I am living with her. Okay, 91 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:44,320 Speaker 1: So you're in a kind of dependent situation where you 92 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:49,240 Speaker 1: want to be seen as independent. Yeah, okay, well that's 93 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,880 Speaker 1: a problem. So part of the problem is you have 94 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:57,680 Speaker 1: to act like an adult if you want to be 95 00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: treated like an adult. That's sister. She You no longer 96 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,440 Speaker 1: need her to be your guardian, but you're still holding 97 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:11,080 Speaker 1: her in your mind as your guardian, but you want 98 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:14,600 Speaker 1: her to act as though she's your sister. She has 99 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:19,520 Speaker 1: a relationship with you where she was the mother figure 100 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 1: or in the mother role, and the mother's job is 101 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:29,120 Speaker 1: to nurture, nourish, educate, and be that soft place for 102 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,720 Speaker 1: you to fall. So she's been that. She wasn't that 103 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,720 Speaker 1: it was the exact opposite any but that's the role 104 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 1: she had. How she filled the role may have been dysfunctional, 105 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: but the role that she had in your life, and 106 00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,640 Speaker 1: in the role that she had in the eyes of 107 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: the law or the world, was that she was to 108 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: take care of you, provide for you, nourish you, nurture you. 109 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,960 Speaker 1: That's the role she had. How she did it is different. 110 00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: I mean, that's a completely different issue. Understand. So the 111 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 1: way she raised you was based on what she thought 112 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 1: she had to do. And now, but you called her 113 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:16,600 Speaker 1: your guardian. If you no longer want her to be 114 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,560 Speaker 1: your guardian, then it's time for you to learn how 115 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,880 Speaker 1: to take care of yourself. And sure, we all have 116 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: setback some problems. See for me, I didn't have a 117 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,480 Speaker 1: mother or father. When I fell on my face, I 118 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 1: was just on my face, licking mud. I didn't have 119 00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:37,079 Speaker 1: nowhere to go. Friends took me in. So you say 120 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:40,800 Speaker 1: you had some financial difficulties, Well, you know what do 121 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:45,240 Speaker 1: adults do when they have financial difficulties. They experienced consequences. 122 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 1: They don't go running home. No, that was honestly, that 123 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,920 Speaker 1: wasn't my first choice. But you know, due to the 124 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,240 Speaker 1: fact that I do have her six year old daughter, 125 00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:01,680 Speaker 1: it was like I didn't have a secure place to live. 126 00:09:02,559 --> 00:09:07,720 Speaker 1: So that's not your sister's problem, that's your problem. And 127 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,080 Speaker 1: the fact that at twenty nine, your life is set 128 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:13,559 Speaker 1: up so that you only you know my mother, my 129 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,600 Speaker 1: father actually used to say to me, you know, it's 130 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,600 Speaker 1: a poor rat that only got one hole. Rat got 131 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,320 Speaker 1: to have a lot of holes to run to. You 132 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,360 Speaker 1: set your life up so that you only have one 133 00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,880 Speaker 1: place to go. So now that you're there, it's not permanent. 134 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,559 Speaker 1: It's not going to be permanent. So you've got to 135 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,000 Speaker 1: focus on getting up out of there as quickly as 136 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:36,760 Speaker 1: you can to avoid the toxicity, and then perhaps when 137 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,920 Speaker 1: you're out of there, you can work on healing your 138 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:44,400 Speaker 1: relationship with your sister. You can do it while you're there, 139 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,480 Speaker 1: but not as long as you continue to hold her 140 00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,120 Speaker 1: in your mind as your guardian. How old is she 141 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,600 Speaker 1: he is in I think her late forties, early like 142 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 1: or fifties. I'm not too quite sure because she keep 143 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: telling us a different age, so I don't know. And 144 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: what is the conversation that you have had with her 145 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,960 Speaker 1: about wanting to be seen and treated as an adult? 146 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,040 Speaker 1: Have you ever had that conversation with her? Yes, I 147 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:17,840 Speaker 1: had that conversation plenty of times, but it's like talking 148 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:23,360 Speaker 1: to a brick wall. And then it goes into the 149 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:27,240 Speaker 1: belittling thing. She will bring up things that I've done 150 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,360 Speaker 1: in high school and I'm like, normal teenagers do these 151 00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:34,000 Speaker 1: kinds of things, and it turns into a big old argument. 152 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:39,960 Speaker 1: Then eventually, you know, we both come down because you know, 153 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,680 Speaker 1: both tensions are high. And then I'm just like, I'm 154 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:49,280 Speaker 1: literally trying to do everything in my willpower to obtain 155 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:53,160 Speaker 1: my career because I'm trying to be an EMT or 156 00:10:53,200 --> 00:10:56,040 Speaker 1: a firefighter. I've been trying to do that. And it's 157 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: just like, listen, i don't need you to talk down 158 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:03,360 Speaker 1: on me. I'm an adult. And then she always, you know, 159 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:08,160 Speaker 1: comes with kinda like the condescending and I'm like, all 160 00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 1: I'm asking is just to support you. Don't have to 161 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: agree with what I'm doing or how I want to 162 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:20,319 Speaker 1: live my life, just support me. And that just turns 163 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,840 Speaker 1: into a whole nother thing, and you know, unfolds more 164 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:26,280 Speaker 1: and more and more stuff, and I'm just like, well, 165 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,960 Speaker 1: we're just not getting anywhere because she seeks, oh if 166 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 1: it's not her way in her ideal situation that everything 167 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 1: is a pipe dream, and it's stupid and it's the 168 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:45,920 Speaker 1: wrong decision, just like a typical mother. Just like a 169 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:49,480 Speaker 1: typical mother, every mother has dreams for their children, and 170 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,480 Speaker 1: if the children don't follow the mother's dream, the mother 171 00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:59,839 Speaker 1: has a problem. Ask me how I know, Go ahead, 172 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:05,440 Speaker 1: ask me how I know? Go ahead, None of your business, 173 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,200 Speaker 1: just like a typical mother. And do you know where 174 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: that comes from? Because your baby's only six. So round 175 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,800 Speaker 1: about the time when she gets thirteen and starts what 176 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: my grandmother used to say, smelling herself and starts to 177 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: want to break break free of your tyranny over her life. 178 00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:33,680 Speaker 1: That's gonna happen around thirteen. Okay, you're gonna see the 179 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,040 Speaker 1: things that she's doing and you're just gonna want to 180 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:38,280 Speaker 1: bang your head up against the wall because they're gonna 181 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:41,240 Speaker 1: look wrong and stupid because you have a real idea 182 00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:44,320 Speaker 1: of what has to what she has to do to 183 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:50,400 Speaker 1: be successful. And you know mothers are neurotic. So this 184 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:55,920 Speaker 1: is your sister who lost her mother, who lost her 185 00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 1: mother and ended up responsible for two children in the 186 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:05,160 Speaker 1: midst of her grief. That's what happened to her at 187 00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,199 Speaker 1: that time too. We'll talk more about it when we 188 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:17,080 Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back to the our spot. My guests 189 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:21,320 Speaker 1: and I are talking about what happens when a person 190 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,439 Speaker 1: in your life plays a dual role and we hold 191 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:30,800 Speaker 1: them responsible for that role without even considering how difficult 192 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:35,239 Speaker 1: or challenging it was for them to be two things 193 00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 1: at the same time. Let's get back to the conversation. Probably, 194 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:44,520 Speaker 1: I don't know what her relationship was like with your mom, 195 00:13:44,679 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 1: but it must have been good in order for her 196 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,880 Speaker 1: to take on her mother's two children, because she didn't 197 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 1: have to do that. You could have gone into foster home. 198 00:13:53,880 --> 00:14:00,480 Speaker 1: I wonder how much of her obsession with you it's 199 00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:05,640 Speaker 1: about not wanting to fail her mother and wanting to 200 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,800 Speaker 1: prove to her mother that she did a good job 201 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:12,560 Speaker 1: with you. And if you fail, she's going to be 202 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:19,640 Speaker 1: disappointing her mother. I wonder. I mean that can be too. 203 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: I mean, because it was points of time growing up. 204 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:30,560 Speaker 1: You know, teenagers in touch school, you know, do other 205 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,560 Speaker 1: things and stuff like that normal teenager behavior. But when 206 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:37,640 Speaker 1: I was doing it, I got kicked out of the house, 207 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:42,760 Speaker 1: which led me into other things. But she couldn't fail 208 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 1: her mom. And you know, a twenty year old with 209 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:52,440 Speaker 1: four kids, that's a lot How grateful are you that 210 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:57,400 Speaker 1: she took you in? How grateful I mean, I'm grateful, 211 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:04,040 Speaker 1: it's just good aship. I'm not grateful of that relationship. Well, 212 00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:09,320 Speaker 1: you can't heal the relationship as an adult woman with 213 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:13,520 Speaker 1: another adult woman as long as you're dependent upon her 214 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:19,560 Speaker 1: for something so essential in your life. You and her 215 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:27,080 Speaker 1: have to create a new normal. She's not your guardian anymore. 216 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:32,760 Speaker 1: She is your bigger sister, and but you have to 217 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: conduct yourself in such a way that she can respect 218 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:43,400 Speaker 1: who you've become. And even though for her it'll be whew, 219 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,440 Speaker 1: you know I didn't fail my mom, for you, it'll 220 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,000 Speaker 1: be this is who I am. And I want to 221 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: be in relationship with you as another woman, not with 222 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,120 Speaker 1: you as my guardian or my mother. You may not 223 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:01,080 Speaker 1: be able to do that right now. But I heard 224 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:05,680 Speaker 1: you say that she's condescending or she'll talk down to you. 225 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: Have you ever said something as simple to her as 226 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: Do you have any idea how much it hurts me 227 00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 1: to hear you talk to me like that? Yes, I tried, 228 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:27,280 Speaker 1: he said, so white. It's called tough love, and that's 229 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,280 Speaker 1: the only way I know how to do it. And 230 00:16:30,640 --> 00:16:32,800 Speaker 1: I don't care if you rule me as a bitch 231 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,640 Speaker 1: or and then she starts going more into now this 232 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:41,720 Speaker 1: aggressive spin. Well you know, well, for me, what I 233 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,840 Speaker 1: would say to that is, She'll hope nobody, particularly God 234 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 1: ever treats you the way you're treating me right now, 235 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:55,000 Speaker 1: because I would not want that for you. Yes, but 236 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:57,480 Speaker 1: I want to go back to this. This is not 237 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:04,280 Speaker 1: an excuse at all. It's really just a consideration that 238 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:10,720 Speaker 1: at twenty she lost her mother, when she had two children, 239 00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:14,239 Speaker 1: that she probably wanted her mom to be there for her, 240 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:16,960 Speaker 1: be there with her, help her raise them, you know, 241 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,879 Speaker 1: give her advice. She didn't learn how to be a 242 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:28,159 Speaker 1: mom because my mom was gone, and then in the 243 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 1: midst of losing her mom and grieving that she has 244 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:36,199 Speaker 1: four kids, she took on her siblings. I mean, if 245 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:40,000 Speaker 1: we could just hang out there for a moment and 246 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: send her some level of compassion. My birth mother died 247 00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,400 Speaker 1: when I was two. Nobody ever told me that, But 248 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: I grew up between my stepmother and my grandmother. But 249 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,760 Speaker 1: my performative years from two to five, I was with 250 00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,840 Speaker 1: my grandmother, and then all throughout the rest of my life, 251 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:10,240 Speaker 1: my grandmother was like the primary female caregiverer. My grandmother 252 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,760 Speaker 1: was meaner than a wet cat. She was so mean 253 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 1: to when she came in the room, the goldfish stopped swimming. 254 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:24,200 Speaker 1: They didn't want they didn't want her to see that 255 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,119 Speaker 1: move because she would have something to say about the 256 00:18:27,119 --> 00:18:29,840 Speaker 1: way they were swimming. That's how mean my grandmother was, 257 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:37,840 Speaker 1: and it scared me. It scared me, and I hated 258 00:18:37,880 --> 00:18:43,560 Speaker 1: her until I was about maybe forty years old, when 259 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:50,879 Speaker 1: I recognized that in her mid thirties, or maybe she 260 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:55,840 Speaker 1: was forty, she might have been early forties, her son's 261 00:18:56,040 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: concubine died because my mother was the other woman. She 262 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: wasn't my father's wife. My father had a wife, and 263 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,200 Speaker 1: she ended up with two children to raise. And as 264 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,320 Speaker 1: the grandma. You know, grandmothers do what the parents can't do. 265 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,879 Speaker 1: That's part of what the grandparents do. They come in, 266 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 1: they support, they step in, they help when the parents can't. 267 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,119 Speaker 1: So she did that. She took me and my brother on. 268 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:25,080 Speaker 1: She was part Native American, part Black. She was a 269 00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:28,919 Speaker 1: domestic worker. She scrub floors and toilets and cooked for 270 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 1: people for a living. She worked from five o'clock in 271 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,719 Speaker 1: the morning til nine ten o'clock at night, and all 272 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,000 Speaker 1: of a sudden, she's got a two year old and 273 00:19:37,119 --> 00:19:42,040 Speaker 1: a five year old. And she did that for the 274 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,040 Speaker 1: next I don't know how many years, And I was 275 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:51,240 Speaker 1: forty when I realized that she was bitter and resentful 276 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:55,200 Speaker 1: that her life had been placed on whole to raise 277 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,040 Speaker 1: her son's two children. It didn't have anything to do 278 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: with me. It had to do with her bitterness and 279 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:07,920 Speaker 1: resentment that this had happened in her life, her anger 280 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:12,119 Speaker 1: towards my father for not having his life together, that 281 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,960 Speaker 1: she ended up with these two kids. It didn't have 282 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:18,920 Speaker 1: anything to do with me. So I'm wondering if some 283 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,679 Speaker 1: of the ways your sister behaved didn't have anything to 284 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:24,720 Speaker 1: do with you, but had to do with her own 285 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:29,639 Speaker 1: grief and resentment or bitterness or anger or frustration that 286 00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:32,400 Speaker 1: her mom died and left her with these two kids. Hell, 287 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:35,439 Speaker 1: where is they father? Why can't they Daddy take up? 288 00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:39,800 Speaker 1: Why got to have them? At twenty she saddled with 289 00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:44,639 Speaker 1: four kids. Do you have any compassion for her? Because 290 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,119 Speaker 1: that's what I had to get from my grandmother in 291 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:50,040 Speaker 1: order to heal. I had to stop seeing her as 292 00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:54,440 Speaker 1: bitter and mean, and see her as tired, and see 293 00:20:54,480 --> 00:21:00,400 Speaker 1: her as sad, and see her as disappointed and see 294 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,399 Speaker 1: her as broken. Can you see any of that for 295 00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:10,560 Speaker 1: your sister? I do. Yeah, Now I get it, I 296 00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,679 Speaker 1: really do get it. It's just it's it's unfortunate that 297 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,920 Speaker 1: that that birness and the angriness was just lashed out 298 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:25,439 Speaker 1: onto me because it's it's like what it's it's not 299 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,080 Speaker 1: an excuse like as you said, but it's just like 300 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:34,640 Speaker 1: I don't understand, like the physical when you know the 301 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:38,000 Speaker 1: physical abuse of it. I understand she was she was 302 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:42,080 Speaker 1: still hurt in and it's very frustrating. She was grieving 303 00:21:42,119 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 1: and everything like that. But at the same time, you 304 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:50,720 Speaker 1: didn't have to constantly put your hands on me like 305 00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:54,080 Speaker 1: I was a stranger in the streets. It didn't see. 306 00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,919 Speaker 1: You can't have it both ways. You can't have it 307 00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:02,160 Speaker 1: both ways. You can't you either have I understand, recognize 308 00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,760 Speaker 1: and hold it with compassion and not be angry at her, 309 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,520 Speaker 1: or just continue to be angry at her and say 310 00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:13,959 Speaker 1: what it shouldn't have been. You can't have it both ways. 311 00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:18,400 Speaker 1: When I was five, I didn't go to go to kindergarten. 312 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:24,440 Speaker 1: My grandmother needed me to be disciplined and obedient and 313 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,960 Speaker 1: total line because she had to get up and get 314 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,119 Speaker 1: to work and make that money to feed me and 315 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,760 Speaker 1: my brother. And I was not disciplined, obedient, nor I 316 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,680 Speaker 1: total line and she beat the Holy living But Jesus 317 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,080 Speaker 1: oide of me. When I was five, I didn't go 318 00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:45,440 Speaker 1: to kindergarten because my grandmother beat me. And she's old 319 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:51,680 Speaker 1: school with a ironing chord, and welts and scars were 320 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,360 Speaker 1: on my back that she didn't attend to because she 321 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 1: was going to work. And when my stepmother came to 322 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:01,679 Speaker 1: take me school shopping, she pulled my undershirt off and 323 00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,719 Speaker 1: pulled all the skin off my back so I couldn't 324 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,760 Speaker 1: go to kindergarten. I was in hospital. Now I can 325 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,720 Speaker 1: be upset about that I didn't go to kindergarten my 326 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 1: grandmother beat the skin off my back, or I can 327 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:20,760 Speaker 1: say it really I understand it wasn't personal. She needed 328 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: me to be disciplined and I wasn't. She needed me 329 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:28,760 Speaker 1: to be ruthlessly obedient to everything she said, and I wasn't. 330 00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:34,439 Speaker 1: She needed me to follow instructions implicitly, and I didn't. 331 00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,840 Speaker 1: I did the normal things that a three year old, 332 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,040 Speaker 1: five year old, ten year old kid did, just like 333 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,719 Speaker 1: you said, cut in school and blah blah blah blah blah. 334 00:23:41,760 --> 00:23:44,760 Speaker 1: I wasn't with her then, but at five, you know, 335 00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:46,720 Speaker 1: she told me, don't go in the room and touch 336 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,720 Speaker 1: the stuff. I went in the room and touch this up. 337 00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,199 Speaker 1: She said, don't play with the knickknacks. I played with 338 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:59,360 Speaker 1: the knickknacks. Yeah, I was a problem. I was a problem. 339 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,280 Speaker 1: I get it now that for her to leave two 340 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:07,360 Speaker 1: children in the house in order for her to travel 341 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:10,159 Speaker 1: two and a half hours to get to work, to 342 00:24:10,359 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 1: scrub floors, clean toilets, and cook food for white folks 343 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:17,440 Speaker 1: so that we could eat. She needed me to follow 344 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,639 Speaker 1: her rules and I didn't. And when I didn't, she 345 00:24:20,760 --> 00:24:24,960 Speaker 1: became extremely frustrated, and she was gonna beat obedience into me, 346 00:24:25,359 --> 00:24:28,479 Speaker 1: and she was gonna beat discipline into me, and she 347 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,320 Speaker 1: was gonna beat Do you understand it won't even about me. 348 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,480 Speaker 1: It was about what she needed. I didn't know that 349 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 1: as a child, but as an adult I had to 350 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,840 Speaker 1: either let that scar me or say I get it 351 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:48,040 Speaker 1: and I forgive you. Like you said, it's about understanding 352 00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:51,720 Speaker 1: his forgiveness. I'm not I'm not angry. I'm just hurt. 353 00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:54,520 Speaker 1: It's just a lot of pain and a lot of 354 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,879 Speaker 1: herbs that we're not talking about it. It's like, all right, spepid, 355 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,840 Speaker 1: I'm a drug. That's it. I don't want to hear 356 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,919 Speaker 1: nothing else about it. But I'm like, we've got to 357 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:07,400 Speaker 1: talk about these things because it was other things that 358 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:11,320 Speaker 1: happened to me, you know, in my young adulthood, which 359 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,960 Speaker 1: I can't I can't share with her because it's it's 360 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,919 Speaker 1: a lot. It's just like, well, is she gonna be condescending, 361 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: is she gonna feel compassion? Anything? Like? Is she gonna 362 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:29,360 Speaker 1: recognize you know, anything? So I just keep a lot 363 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:33,440 Speaker 1: of pain and hurt to myself. Well, that's what therapists 364 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:39,679 Speaker 1: are for. Do you love your sister, you said? Do 365 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:43,760 Speaker 1: I love her? Yeah? Do you love her yes? Do 366 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:47,199 Speaker 1: you want the best for her? Yeah? In spite of 367 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,200 Speaker 1: everything that's happened. Okay, So I want you to close 368 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,240 Speaker 1: your eyes, just for a moment, close your eyes, and 369 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: I want you to see her. And I want you 370 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:05,359 Speaker 1: to see her bandaged from head to toe, everything, her head, 371 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,080 Speaker 1: her face like a mummy. The only thing that's out 372 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,879 Speaker 1: is her eyes and her mouth, her nose so she 373 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:16,560 Speaker 1: can breathe see her, I mean, her hands are bandaged, 374 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:21,159 Speaker 1: her legs, her stomach, her face, everything she's bandaged in 375 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:27,280 Speaker 1: those white bandages from head to toe. Can you see that? Yeah? 376 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:31,399 Speaker 1: And can you see or imagine that everything under that 377 00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:36,359 Speaker 1: bandage is raw? It's raw flesh. How would you treat her? 378 00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:40,440 Speaker 1: How would you treat her knowing that she's raw under 379 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:43,639 Speaker 1: those bandages and the only thing out is her eyes, 380 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:53,800 Speaker 1: her nose, in her mouth? How would you treat her? Her? Passion? Love? Yeah, gentleness? Yeah, yeah, 381 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,160 Speaker 1: So even though she raised you, she's bandaged from head 382 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:00,119 Speaker 1: to toe, and even though you think, because she as 383 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 1: in the mother role, she should have been good to you, 384 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,959 Speaker 1: you get an opportunity to treat her the way she 385 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:13,360 Speaker 1: didn't treat you, Kindly, gently, with compassion, hearing everything she 386 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:17,240 Speaker 1: says as a reflection of her pain that has nothing 387 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:21,040 Speaker 1: to do with you. What if you're really the one 388 00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:25,240 Speaker 1: who has to raise her, even though she raised you? 389 00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:29,879 Speaker 1: What if? And I know the little girl inside of 390 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,359 Speaker 1: you doesn't want to do that, but I need the 391 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,800 Speaker 1: grown woman right now, the twenty nine year old, to 392 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:41,720 Speaker 1: make another choice. Forget the role, forget that she was 393 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,720 Speaker 1: older and the guardian and that you were younger and 394 00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:51,800 Speaker 1: feel victimized. Switch roles. Treat her the way she didn't 395 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,600 Speaker 1: treat you and get your stuff together, to get the 396 00:27:55,640 --> 00:28:01,280 Speaker 1: heck about that house as quickly as you can. She's wounded, 397 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:08,000 Speaker 1: she's broken, and she doesn't have the capacity. She's not capable. 398 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,840 Speaker 1: She really isn't, because if she was, she would do it. 399 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:16,639 Speaker 1: She's not capable of treating you any differently than she 400 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:21,119 Speaker 1: already has. Yeah, tell me what you're hearing, Tell me 401 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:28,879 Speaker 1: what's going on. I'm just thinking about, you know, trying 402 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:32,199 Speaker 1: to get into therapies with her, not with her, not 403 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:37,120 Speaker 1: with her for you leave her alone. She's bandaged. She 404 00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:39,760 Speaker 1: can't go to therapy with bandages from her head to 405 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,760 Speaker 1: her feet. She can't even sit in the therapist's chair. 406 00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:48,520 Speaker 1: She can't do it right now. And it doesn't mean 407 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,960 Speaker 1: that the relationship can't be healed and change. But the 408 00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 1: work is on you. Sure, the work is on you, 409 00:28:56,440 --> 00:29:02,280 Speaker 1: because obviously she ain't having no problem you are. Yeah, 410 00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:06,440 Speaker 1: she thinks it's okay you don't. So what do we 411 00:29:06,560 --> 00:29:10,680 Speaker 1: do now? We'll talk about that right after this break. 412 00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: Welcome back, I Amy, I'm ling. This is the our spot. 413 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:25,479 Speaker 1: So tell me, in your current relationship with your sister, 414 00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:29,960 Speaker 1: what is something you can do differently I mean, I 415 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:34,360 Speaker 1: could try not to take things as as personal. Well, 416 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,280 Speaker 1: either you're gonna take them as personal or you're not. 417 00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:41,800 Speaker 1: There is no try, There is only do or don't do. So, 418 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:44,080 Speaker 1: either you're gonna do it or you're not gonna do it. 419 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:49,040 Speaker 1: I'm not gonna take Well, let's not go so big first, 420 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:54,520 Speaker 1: Let's do something real small. Stop seeing her, calling her, 421 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:58,120 Speaker 1: holding her as your guardian. That don't have nothing. You 422 00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:02,000 Speaker 1: don't need her to do that, that's in your mind, 423 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:05,000 Speaker 1: in your heart. This is not my guardian. This is 424 00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:08,040 Speaker 1: a wounded woman. This is my sister, and she's a 425 00:30:08,040 --> 00:30:13,640 Speaker 1: wounded woman. She is not my guardian. You could do that. Yeah, 426 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:16,200 Speaker 1: you don't expect her to be nice to you, or 427 00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:20,440 Speaker 1: listen to you, or care about your feelings because she's 428 00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,680 Speaker 1: wounded from head to toe. She's just trying to deal 429 00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:27,040 Speaker 1: with her own pain. Can you see that? Yes, So 430 00:30:27,080 --> 00:30:29,720 Speaker 1: that's one thing you can do that you don't need 431 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:34,760 Speaker 1: her permission or insight to do it. And I hear 432 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,600 Speaker 1: you saying you want to heal with her, and I 433 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: hear you saying there's things you want to say to 434 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,280 Speaker 1: her that you can't. Don't expect her to do it. 435 00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:48,640 Speaker 1: She's bandaged, she's wounded. Okay, what's going on? You're not thinking, 436 00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:56,120 Speaker 1: You're not speaking, what are you thinking? I'm just I 437 00:30:56,240 --> 00:31:00,520 Speaker 1: was just thinking, like maybe it's time that I should, 438 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:05,240 Speaker 1: you know, stop putting so much on just this one 439 00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:10,240 Speaker 1: sister and oh you know how she treated me and 440 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:14,680 Speaker 1: stuff like that, and actually just go into therapy and 441 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 1: try to work on my other relationships with family members 442 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:23,120 Speaker 1: because right now I'm only a so she like her 443 00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:27,360 Speaker 1: as my number one, Like you said, it's a guardian. 444 00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:32,160 Speaker 1: I need to stop putting her at that plateau. That 445 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,720 Speaker 1: might be helpful. And maybe you, instead of focusing on 446 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:40,040 Speaker 1: these family relationships that come from brokenness and hurt, maybe 447 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:43,479 Speaker 1: you just need to focus on being an EMT. How 448 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:45,760 Speaker 1: about that? Is that what you said you want to 449 00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:49,880 Speaker 1: do become empty? So what do you need to do 450 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 1: to make that happen? Um, well, it's I have to 451 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:58,480 Speaker 1: put an application go to the fire academy. What's the 452 00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:01,360 Speaker 1: conversation that I had with my sister last night was? 453 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,600 Speaker 1: And I've had this conversation with her for two months now. 454 00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:11,480 Speaker 1: I'm like, well, I need someone to, you know, look 455 00:32:11,520 --> 00:32:16,240 Speaker 1: out for my daughters because the schedule that they are asking, 456 00:32:16,480 --> 00:32:20,800 Speaker 1: it's Monday through Friday six am to five pm. As 457 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:28,360 Speaker 1: an adult woman with a few supportive people in your life, 458 00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:32,280 Speaker 1: how would you handle that? How would you handle that? 459 00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:36,520 Speaker 1: That's your business. You've got to get that handle. And 460 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,080 Speaker 1: she's bandaged from head to toe. So if she can't 461 00:32:39,120 --> 00:32:45,560 Speaker 1: do that, what's your other options? Friends? In bigcare, I 462 00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:48,480 Speaker 1: can't really afford the head right now. So I mean, 463 00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,600 Speaker 1: she's she's in school, but she gets out of school 464 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:57,920 Speaker 1: at two fifteen. So from two fifteen until five five thirty, 465 00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 1: it's like I'm stuck in the same situation as I 466 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:05,760 Speaker 1: was before New Jersey where I went to be in 467 00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:10,800 Speaker 1: T school four times and had to enroll every single time. 468 00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:15,560 Speaker 1: Why because I didn't have the support when it came 469 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:21,320 Speaker 1: to my daughter. So what is your prayer that I 470 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:25,600 Speaker 1: find support and be able to accomplish the career that 471 00:33:25,680 --> 00:33:33,440 Speaker 1: I I want? Because honestly, these these little dead end 472 00:33:33,520 --> 00:33:40,520 Speaker 1: jobs isn't isn't enough, It's not enough. I need more? Well, 473 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:43,480 Speaker 1: you want more, and that you have a right. But 474 00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:47,120 Speaker 1: if your mind is made up that you don't have support, 475 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,360 Speaker 1: that your sister should be doing it and she's not, 476 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:52,760 Speaker 1: that you don't have anybody there for you, There may 477 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:56,440 Speaker 1: be possibilities and opportunities that are available that you don't 478 00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,719 Speaker 1: even see. So that's why I'm asking you, what's your 479 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:03,440 Speaker 1: Your prayer doesn't have to be that I find. It 480 00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:06,600 Speaker 1: could be God's source, creator who whatever it is for you, 481 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,480 Speaker 1: send me what I need to make this dream my reality. 482 00:34:11,680 --> 00:34:16,239 Speaker 1: Send me the proper person in the proper way. I 483 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:19,520 Speaker 1: know it's here. It has to be here because God 484 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:23,279 Speaker 1: never gives you a vision without giving you the provision. 485 00:34:23,920 --> 00:34:26,640 Speaker 1: If you have a vision of being an EMT, if 486 00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:30,160 Speaker 1: you've gone to school four times, then the provision you 487 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:32,960 Speaker 1: need is there. But if you're thinking it has to 488 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:36,080 Speaker 1: come from your sister or your family, you may not 489 00:34:36,200 --> 00:34:40,680 Speaker 1: even see other possibilities. So let your prayer be that 490 00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:46,279 Speaker 1: everything you need to complete or manifest this dream, that 491 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,879 Speaker 1: it comes forward, that it shows up easily, effortlessly. It 492 00:34:49,920 --> 00:34:53,680 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be hard. It doesn't. You're making it 493 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:59,879 Speaker 1: harder than it needs to be. Did you finish EMT school? No, 494 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:03,400 Speaker 1: what do you have to do to finish? I literally 495 00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:08,080 Speaker 1: just have to go back for one semester and test 496 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:11,520 Speaker 1: to tests and that's it. All right, Well that'll happen. 497 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:14,879 Speaker 1: Take it off, your sister, take it off of her. 498 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:20,239 Speaker 1: Open yourself to greater possibilities. There may be a retired 499 00:35:20,239 --> 00:35:23,520 Speaker 1: old school teacher that takes in children on a twenty 500 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,200 Speaker 1: four hours basis. I mean, you don't know. They could 501 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:30,920 Speaker 1: be right in your backyard. But you've got to be 502 00:35:31,040 --> 00:35:33,680 Speaker 1: open and stop looking at what happened and what you 503 00:35:33,719 --> 00:35:36,719 Speaker 1: don't have. What's possible for tomorrow is where we got 504 00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:41,000 Speaker 1: to focus. She's bandaged from head to toe. She cannot 505 00:35:41,040 --> 00:35:43,799 Speaker 1: give you what you need. Doesn't mean you can't get 506 00:35:43,840 --> 00:35:47,160 Speaker 1: it from other places and other people. And as your 507 00:35:47,239 --> 00:35:52,000 Speaker 1: life balances out and you become more secure in yourself, 508 00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,960 Speaker 1: you can heal those other relationships too. I'm gonna give 509 00:35:55,960 --> 00:35:58,960 Speaker 1: you a prescription, all right. You want to write this 510 00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:02,759 Speaker 1: down or will you remember it? Okay? I remember it 511 00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:07,520 Speaker 1: all right? Every single day for the next twenty one days, 512 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,839 Speaker 1: every day that your eyes open up. I don't care 513 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:17,120 Speaker 1: where you are. I want you to make ten statements 514 00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:21,640 Speaker 1: of gratitude whoever you pray to God, Jesus, Buddha Allah, 515 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:24,359 Speaker 1: I don't know you know the universe divide mother, it 516 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:29,400 Speaker 1: doesn't matter. Thank you for the perfect childcare situation for 517 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:34,560 Speaker 1: my daughter so that I can complete EMT school. Thank 518 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,759 Speaker 1: you for the perfect opportunity to earn the money that 519 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:41,400 Speaker 1: I need to find the place to live. Thank you 520 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:43,960 Speaker 1: for my health. Thank you for my strength. Thank you 521 00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:47,360 Speaker 1: for this roof over my head. Thank you. Ten statements 522 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:50,280 Speaker 1: every day. It could be the same statements, different statements. 523 00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:52,640 Speaker 1: It could be for stuff you have and for stuff 524 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:56,440 Speaker 1: that you want. Ten statements of gratitude every single morning 525 00:36:56,719 --> 00:36:59,760 Speaker 1: that your eyes open. You can speak it out loud, 526 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:03,239 Speaker 1: you can write it down. Thank you, Thank you. Thank 527 00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:08,160 Speaker 1: you for the babysitter, for the EMT school taking you back, 528 00:37:08,360 --> 00:37:10,560 Speaker 1: for the money you need to go to EMT school, 529 00:37:10,600 --> 00:37:13,439 Speaker 1: for the passing the em two school tests, for your 530 00:37:13,480 --> 00:37:18,319 Speaker 1: first jobs on an ambulance. I don't know whatever, But 531 00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:21,640 Speaker 1: instead of turning it into complaints of what you don't have, 532 00:37:22,239 --> 00:37:25,840 Speaker 1: your prescription is to give thanks for it right now, 533 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:30,640 Speaker 1: calling it in give thanks right now. Every day, for 534 00:37:30,840 --> 00:37:35,000 Speaker 1: twenty one days, you give thanks, and you watch how 535 00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,680 Speaker 1: stuff starts showing up for you. I could do that. 536 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:41,880 Speaker 1: Thank you for my sister and her healing. Thank you 537 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:44,960 Speaker 1: that the relationship between me and my sister is healed. 538 00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:49,120 Speaker 1: Thank you for my new two bedroom apartment overlooking the 539 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:52,120 Speaker 1: forests in the trees or whatever you want, I don't know, 540 00:37:54,160 --> 00:37:58,000 Speaker 1: start affirming and calling in what you desire instead of 541 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:00,360 Speaker 1: complaining about what you have and what you don't have, 542 00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:05,600 Speaker 1: and leave your sister alone. Thank you? And you know 543 00:38:05,680 --> 00:38:09,040 Speaker 1: you have to stop seeing how as your guardian and 544 00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:13,600 Speaker 1: expecting things from her that she may not be able 545 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:16,640 Speaker 1: to give you. Stop seeing her as that calling her 546 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:19,440 Speaker 1: that holding her is that? Stop that see her as 547 00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:24,480 Speaker 1: your sister, as a broken, wounded woman that needs your kindness, 548 00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:27,560 Speaker 1: your gentleness, your love, and your compassion, even if she 549 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:30,840 Speaker 1: doesn't give it to you. She needs that. Yeah, and 550 00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,920 Speaker 1: you do you know now that even though she was 551 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,560 Speaker 1: responsible for your growing up, that maybe it's your job 552 00:38:38,640 --> 00:38:42,960 Speaker 1: to raise her and give her what she didn't or 553 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:46,640 Speaker 1: couldn't give you. Do you know that? And do you 554 00:38:46,719 --> 00:38:50,080 Speaker 1: know you are going to find everything that you need 555 00:38:50,239 --> 00:38:53,520 Speaker 1: and you are going to be an emt even if 556 00:38:53,560 --> 00:38:57,600 Speaker 1: your sister doesn't believe it. Do you know that? Yeah? 557 00:38:57,719 --> 00:39:00,960 Speaker 1: Do you know you've got the power to make your 558 00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:05,960 Speaker 1: dreams come true? Do you know that? Yeah? Okay, so 559 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:10,040 Speaker 1: you're in much better shape than when you're called you think. Yeah, 560 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:15,799 Speaker 1: don't try to do everything at once. Let's focus on 561 00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:19,399 Speaker 1: where we are right now, making that better, and then 562 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,000 Speaker 1: we'll move on. You can move on to other things, 563 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:26,200 Speaker 1: making the relationships with the other, healing your relationship. Let's 564 00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:29,960 Speaker 1: get you through school and on your first ambulance as 565 00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:33,440 Speaker 1: an EMT. Let's do that. Let's focus on that, and 566 00:39:33,520 --> 00:39:36,400 Speaker 1: these ten statements will get you there. I promise you 567 00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,440 Speaker 1: you're right. Like my brother said, you won't have anything, 568 00:39:39,560 --> 00:39:43,560 Speaker 1: but Tom, that's right. You're twenty nine. I got braws 569 00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:49,759 Speaker 1: older than you. Check back in with me and let 570 00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:52,120 Speaker 1: me know how you're doing. Okay, all right, I can 571 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:56,360 Speaker 1: do that, all right, my love, thank you, Okay, bye bye. 572 00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:03,280 Speaker 1: My guest today brings up a very very interesting topic 573 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:06,560 Speaker 1: and one that I'm sure many of us have encountered 574 00:40:06,600 --> 00:40:09,840 Speaker 1: at some point to another, and that is the person 575 00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:14,920 Speaker 1: in charge of raising us, guiding us. Our primary caregiver 576 00:40:15,719 --> 00:40:19,160 Speaker 1: was anything but nice to us, and we want to 577 00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:23,000 Speaker 1: hold them responsible for the hurt, the harm, the danger 578 00:40:23,520 --> 00:40:27,280 Speaker 1: that they did, even if they did the best they could. 579 00:40:27,480 --> 00:40:30,640 Speaker 1: It's hard for us to see that. I have so 580 00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:35,520 Speaker 1: much compassion for my guests today, and I truly understand 581 00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:39,360 Speaker 1: exactly where she's coming from, because when what you receive 582 00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:43,520 Speaker 1: from your primary caregiver is trashed, you really don't want 583 00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,319 Speaker 1: to consider the effort that they put in to give 584 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:53,800 Speaker 1: it to you. But sometimes people simply don't have the capacity. 585 00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 1: They don't have the capacity to give us anything more 586 00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:02,760 Speaker 1: than they've given us an Our job, for our healing, 587 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:07,799 Speaker 1: it's not to ruminate over what we didn't get or 588 00:41:07,800 --> 00:41:11,759 Speaker 1: how we got what we did get. Our job is 589 00:41:11,800 --> 00:41:15,360 Speaker 1: to dig within deep enough to be able to say 590 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:20,799 Speaker 1: thank you, even for the trash, thank you for what 591 00:41:21,000 --> 00:41:23,480 Speaker 1: I got, even though I don't like how I got it. 592 00:41:24,040 --> 00:41:30,439 Speaker 1: Thank you because without that person and that trash, who 593 00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:34,080 Speaker 1: knows where you'd be today. I hope this has been 594 00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,280 Speaker 1: helpful to someone, And if you have a question about 595 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:41,200 Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me 596 00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:45,480 Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 597 00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:48,120 Speaker 1: sixty eight. Now be sure to follow me on social 598 00:41:48,160 --> 00:41:51,719 Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times, and until then, 599 00:41:52,200 --> 00:42:01,040 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not pieces. The R Spot is 600 00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:06,360 Speaker 1: a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. For 601 00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:12,160 Speaker 1: more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, 602 00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:15,640 Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.