Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central. Steph Curry is about to
Speaker 1: break one of the like hardest records in the NBA,
Speaker 1: most three pointers ever. I'm assuming it's scored, because otherwise
Speaker 1: that would be a weird record, just like the most
Speaker 1: three points that someone has tried. Those should be cool
Speaker 1: records as well. They should have that you tried a lot.
Speaker 1: I mean you've got none of them, but you really
Speaker 1: tried a lot most tries. No, he's gonna break the record.
Speaker 1: It was Ray Allen's record, and then Ray Allen they
Speaker 1: asked him, what do you think? And he said, even
Speaker 1: if Steph Curry breaks and I'm still the greatest, No,
Speaker 1: you're not. That's literally how records work. I'm sorry, you
Speaker 1: are one of the greatest, but you're not the greatest.
Speaker 1: That's literally how the record works. Yeah, so Steph has
Speaker 1: to shoot just two. He shoots one and then he's tied,
Speaker 1: and then he shoots another one and then he breaks
Speaker 1: the record. Yes, unless he gets cursed and then never
Speaker 1: scores another three ever. Again, Like, maybe I should be
Speaker 1: the one to tell you Americans, Steph Curry is broken basketball.
Speaker 1: He figured it out and your sports is now broken. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is why I Like soccer, no one can break it.
Speaker 1: Basketball broken. Steph Curry figured out that if you throw
Speaker 1: the ball, you can throw it over everybody and then
Speaker 1: you just get the same points. Before that, people were like,
Speaker 1: you've got to like run and then fight people like Shack.
Speaker 1: Imagine if you had been like fighting against Shack all
Speaker 1: those years and then you realize all along you could
Speaker 1: have just thrown the ball in. And Steph doesn't even
Speaker 1: do it from like the line because they're like, this
Speaker 1: is the three point line. Then he was like, but
Speaker 1: what if you just do it from like the other line.
Speaker 1: Then he was like, what have you just? Have you
Speaker 1: seen Steph Curry does it from like not even on
Speaker 1: the court. Now, he does it from like the tunnel
Speaker 1: that comes to the court. At some point, Steph Curry
Speaker 1: is gonna shoot the ship from home. That's what he's
Speaker 1: gonna do. Yeah, Steph Curry is going to be the
Speaker 1: first work at home basketball player. It's gonna be like
Speaker 1: the first step of the hybrid work in the in
Speaker 1: the NBA. Be like, yeah, man, I remember when the
Speaker 1: game change. Before that, we had to come into the
Speaker 1: to the arena. Man, you have to play games. And
Speaker 1: then Steph Curry came along. Man ship. Now now, man, people,
Speaker 1: he's thrown from home. Now man, yeah, just be like
Speaker 1: one of the greatest players, will be like someone who
Speaker 1: lives like some random place, like he lives in the Maldives.
Speaker 1: He just throws from there. Man, you call God that ship.
Speaker 1: You can't God that ship. You gotta catch two planes
Speaker 1: just to God him. The whole game has changed. You'll
Speaker 1: be telling your grandkids. Back in my day in basketball,
Speaker 1: you have to be there to defend the player. They
Speaker 1: were there shooting in your face like a man. And
Speaker 1: now nothing. You don't know when it's gonna come. The
Speaker 1: other day, I gotta I gotta envelope in the mail.
Speaker 1: I thought it was from your nana. I opened it.
Speaker 1: It was a three point shot. We lonched that game.
Speaker 1: It's coming to you from the Hot Times in New
Speaker 1: York City, the city in America. It's the Daily Tonight
Speaker 1: text from News the year in scil Handler. He's the
Speaker 1: Daily Show with Hey, what's going on? Everybody? Welcome to
Speaker 1: the Daily Show. I'm Trevor Noah and joining me for
Speaker 1: today's headlines is my good friend Roy Wood Jr. What's
Speaker 1: going on at man? I'm just trying to find a
Speaker 1: karate class by five year old taking karate, so that
Speaker 1: means I gotta learn karate because the showdown is coming.
Speaker 1: I don't think that's how it works, Roy, I think
Speaker 1: you you can just let him do karate. Which one
Speaker 1: of us has a child? You okay? So do you
Speaker 1: let me worry about the showdown that's looming with my child?
Speaker 1: Every child at some point challenges the father. That's how
Speaker 1: it goes. You've seen Star Wars. Well, good luck with that, Roy,
Speaker 1: and good luck to your child. All right, let's jump
Speaker 1: right into today's headlines. We kick things off with Omikron,
Speaker 1: the coronavirus variant named after disgraced CNN anchor Chris Cuomo Cron.
Speaker 1: It's now been three weeks since ocron was discovered, which
Speaker 1: means scientists are starting to get a handle on exactly
Speaker 1: what we might be dealing with this morning. The fast
Speaker 1: spreading O Macron variant is adding fresh fears around the world.
Speaker 1: British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is warning of a looming
Speaker 1: tidal wave of O Macron cases in the UK. Health
Speaker 1: officials here are saying that no other COVID variant has
Speaker 1: spread this fast, and they fear that in less than
Speaker 1: thirty six hours O macron will become the dominant variant
Speaker 1: here in London. Already it makes up of cases in
Speaker 1: the city and numbers are doubling every two to three days.
Speaker 1: The country of Norway is ramping up efforts to slow
Speaker 1: the spread of O macron and a new approach to
Speaker 1: decreasing gatherings there. The Prime Minister announced the country is
Speaker 1: placing a ban on serving alcohol in bars and restaurants.
Speaker 1: The moratorium comes as the country is facing record high
Speaker 1: COVID nineteen infections and hospitalizations. Wow, no drinking in Norway
Speaker 1: in the winter. I mean, at that point you might
Speaker 1: as well die of COVID. Also, why are they keeping
Speaker 1: the boss open if you can't drink? Are the people
Speaker 1: out there who are like I still enjoy the communal
Speaker 1: peanuts and shouting conversations and standing in someone else's p
Speaker 1: wil I P. You know there's more to a bother
Speaker 1: than just drinking. Guys. Well, look, the point is omicron
Speaker 1: is spreading super fast, like, way faster than any other variants.
Speaker 1: Like we hadn't even heard about it a few weeks ago,
Speaker 1: and now it's dominating the world. It's like the Olivia
Speaker 1: Rodrigo variants, and as it spreads, we're learning more about
Speaker 1: the effects of omicron. In fact, the first large study
Speaker 1: was just released out of South Africa and it has
Speaker 1: good news and bad news. Bomb womb. The bad news is,
Speaker 1: even if you have two doses of the fires of vaccine,
Speaker 1: you only get thirty three protection against infection from omicron. Right.
Speaker 1: The good news is if you do get omicron, you're
Speaker 1: about thirty less likely to go to the hospital than
Speaker 1: with delta. But the bad news is there was a hot,
Speaker 1: single doctor at the hospital who could have been your
Speaker 1: soul mates and you'll never get to meet him. Yeah.
Speaker 1: The good new uses he has a lot of student
Speaker 1: debt and that would have totally weighed on your relationship
Speaker 1: after a while. Sorry, where was I going with this? Oh? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: If you're worried about catching O macron, the good news
Speaker 1: is that a booster shot is actually very effective. It's
Speaker 1: really effective protection. In fact, we shouldn't even be calling
Speaker 1: it a booster at this point. We just call it
Speaker 1: the third shot. You know, it seems like it's going
Speaker 1: to be completely necessary. Calling it a booster makes it
Speaker 1: sound optional, like someone's offering you a hot towel. Would
Speaker 1: you care for a booster shot? Yeah? What's with them
Speaker 1: hot tawels? With them hot towels anyway? Man, one minute
Speaker 1: is hot and they're like a second later is cold.
Speaker 1: You don't even feel like it felt nice for a
Speaker 1: second and it's gone, like it's like it's a nice, warm,
Speaker 1: hot towel and then it just turned into a cold rag. No,
Speaker 1: nobody want to rag. It's instance as well. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: that's that's part of the problem with it. It's like
Speaker 1: it's like it's like a thing hot, but it's like
Speaker 1: it's too hot as well, Like they give it to
Speaker 1: you and you can't hold it, and the next second
Speaker 1: it's freezing cold. Where did they heat this thing? How
Speaker 1: did they heat this? Like what temperature? I don't understand
Speaker 1: these towels at all. You know where they messed up
Speaker 1: with the with this with this booster shot? Also, dog
Speaker 1: is that they like they messed up calling the first
Speaker 1: shot the vaccine. We're supposed to be vaccine done. They
Speaker 1: should have just called that medicine and then called this
Speaker 1: shot more medicine. Everybody everybody like mo medicine extra stress.
Speaker 1: That's how you have to call it more medicine and
Speaker 1: not market it. That's how you do it. You know
Speaker 1: how people was taking all that whole stuff and drinking
Speaker 1: the bleach word of mouth. What are no commercials for it?
Speaker 1: Everybody want to be up on that new new Nobody
Speaker 1: wants to stop stop talking about the boost to see
Speaker 1: how many people who get the boost just make it
Speaker 1: like a whisper whisper campaign. Yeah, yeah, I got that booster.
Speaker 1: I just don't booster, and it was a booster booster.
Speaker 1: Let me get the boostop, you got the boosts? No booster? Man,
Speaker 1: stop hate? Maybe, come on, man, I don't talk, I don't,
Speaker 1: don't don't. All right, let's move on to a story
Speaker 1: that the most two of America's most violent sports hockey
Speaker 1: and capitalism. Everyone knows that teachers in America underpaid, but
Speaker 1: what's really crazy is that teachers often have to spend
Speaker 1: their own money to buy supplies for their classrooms, which
Speaker 1: is insane. I mean, every time you hear this in America,
Speaker 1: you realize how insane this is because no other job
Speaker 1: makes you do this. No one at McDonald's is ever like, oh,
Speaker 1: they won't fix the ice cream machine. I guess I'll
Speaker 1: have to bring my own ice cream from home. And
Speaker 1: it's not depressing enough that teachers buy supplies for their students.
Speaker 1: One hockey team in South Dakota, Well they found a
Speaker 1: way to make it even worse. In time. Now for
Speaker 1: stories everyone's talking about this morning, we start in South Dakota.
Speaker 1: This blew up social media yesterday. Believe it angry. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and here's the video we're gonna show to a hockey
Speaker 1: teams event, drawing some serious criticism. Take a look. All right,
Speaker 1: so here's what's going on. The suit Fall Stampede hockey
Speaker 1: team held a dash for Cash competition Saturday. So these
Speaker 1: are ten teachers crawling around on the ice, grabbing as
Speaker 1: much money as they can to buy classroom supplies. However,
Speaker 1: many found this raw to have teachers fight for money.
Speaker 1: Some leaving compared it to the Netflix show Squid Game.
Speaker 1: Oh come on, this is nothing like Squid Game. I mean,
Speaker 1: for starters, you don't need subtitles to realize how sadness is.
Speaker 1: And at least if you win school game, you get
Speaker 1: to keep the money. These poor teachers are debasing themselves
Speaker 1: to pay for textbooks that don't even teach slavery. Its
Speaker 1: the most depressive thing I've ever seen at a sportsing
Speaker 1: events aside from any game where the Jets are playing, Like,
Speaker 1: I get that they were trying to help out the
Speaker 1: local teachers who need money for their classrooms, but you
Speaker 1: realize they could have just given them the money. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you don't have to turn their need into our entertainment.
Speaker 1: Can you imagine if lifeguards made you do like the
Speaker 1: douggie before they saved you. Huh. Now you're they're drowning
Speaker 1: and you're like, I mean, would that be funny? Yes,
Speaker 1: but it's not appropriate. And you know, this really highlights
Speaker 1: how America cares so little about education. I mean, it's
Speaker 1: teachers are wrestling on the ground for dollar bills. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: the defense budget of this country's over half a trillion
Speaker 1: dollars a year. And I'm not saying that defense contractors
Speaker 1: can't have that money, but they should at least have
Speaker 1: to wrestle around in jello for it and naked. I
Speaker 1: want to see butts. It's a crazy story too, right,
Speaker 1: It's very crazy. It's like, why would you give teachers
Speaker 1: money for supplies at the end of the year, It's
Speaker 1: too late. Them kids are already flaunk man. They needed
Speaker 1: them supplies back in August. Why are you getting supplies
Speaker 1: to help kids? You ain't made an f. You can't
Speaker 1: bounce back from a December F. I don't know if
Speaker 1: you ever had a December F. But it's a wrap.
Speaker 1: Ain't not know what you can do to say that kid.
Speaker 1: You just gotta tell them see you next year. You
Speaker 1: can stay in the class for the rest of the years,
Speaker 1: so you can be familiar with this ship next year.
Speaker 1: But once you got a December that's a waste of time.
Speaker 1: They should have them teachers out there on the ice
Speaker 1: back in August. It's an interesting point, Troy. I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna lie. It's a fair point. It's a solid point.
Speaker 1: It's what you meant to say. That is a solid point. Also,
Speaker 1: they didn't offer them teach us a hot town. That's
Speaker 1: a disrespectful part of it. They touching money, Oh Macron
Speaker 1: out there. You just out there raw dog in cash
Speaker 1: with your hands, raw dog and you rob dog cash.
Speaker 1: I've never thought of it like that. Actually, we should
Speaker 1: hang out. We should, Roy should hang out. We should
Speaker 1: you learn some ship. Yeah, I would, I definitely would.
Speaker 1: All right, let's move on now to our main story,
Speaker 1: which is about former President Donald Jesse Smollette Trump and
Speaker 1: his attempt last year to overturn the election, which, by
Speaker 1: the way, no judgment, no judgment at all. I mean,
Speaker 1: if you lost anything to Joe Biden, you'd also deny
Speaker 1: the ship out of it. An election, a foot race,
Speaker 1: an arm wrestling match. I mean, have you seen that guy.
Speaker 1: It's like losing to a soggy sponge. Hell if Joe
Speaker 1: Biden beating at rock paper says is I chopped with
Speaker 1: both my hands, just be like, yeah, I've never played
Speaker 1: this game. Now. One of the guys who have the
Speaker 1: most information about Trump's attempts to overthrow the election is
Speaker 1: his former chief of staff, Lock Meadows, but as of
Speaker 1: a few weeks ago, he suddenly stopped talking. Lawmakers investigating
Speaker 1: the January six attack on the Capitol have run out
Speaker 1: of patients with Mark Meadows. Mark Meadows made the decision
Speaker 1: to cooperate, and then he made the decision to uncooperate,
Speaker 1: and as a result, we're going to have to hold
Speaker 1: him in criminal contempt. The committee says they've got questions
Speaker 1: about documents Meadows has handed over, which shed light on
Speaker 1: what the Trump White House knew about the insurrection before
Speaker 1: it began. The committee is also interested in the weeks
Speaker 1: leading up to the insurrection and meadows involvement in efforts
Speaker 1: to undermine the election outcome. When presented with the idea
Speaker 1: of certain states sending alternate slates of electors to Congress,
Speaker 1: Meadows responded, I love it. M mmmmmm. Get you a
Speaker 1: man who loves you the way Mark Meadows loves overthrowing democracy?
Speaker 1: See that. I love it. I love it. I mean
Speaker 1: to be fair, though I love it. There's also what
Speaker 1: you send when you want the other person to think
Speaker 1: you actually read through all their texts when you didn't.
Speaker 1: So maybe it was like that with Mark Meadows. I
Speaker 1: don't know. The fact is, though it looks like Mark
Speaker 1: Meadows was very involved in Trump's plan to overturn the election.
Speaker 1: He pushed the Justice Department to investigate and made up
Speaker 1: voter fraud. He tried to block states from certifying their electors,
Speaker 1: and he even made Trump licked the Oval Office desk
Speaker 1: to claim dibbs. And it definitely doesn't look good that
Speaker 1: he stopped cooperating with the investigation. I mean, I do
Speaker 1: get it. Though, he can't be disloyal to Trump, because
Speaker 1: in Trump world, loyalty is everything. You take care of Trump,
Speaker 1: and Trump takes care of you, unless you're John Bolton
Speaker 1: or Jeff Sessions or Rudy Giuliani or Millennia, Michael Cohen
Speaker 1: or anybody else he's ever known. It's called loyalty. But
Speaker 1: before he stopped co operating, Meadows did hand over a
Speaker 1: lot of documents to the committee, and one thing they
Speaker 1: discovered were a bunch of frantic text messages that he
Speaker 1: got during the Capital riots, and some of them, some
Speaker 1: of them came from Donald Trump's closest advisers. Thoughts Entertainers
Speaker 1: frantically texted Mark Meadows as the Capital riot was happening
Speaker 1: and urged him to get then President Trump to stop it.
Speaker 1: In one text exchange, Hannity urged Meadows to tell Mr
Speaker 1: Trump to quote make a statement and ask people to
Speaker 1: leave the capital. Brian Kilneed saying please get him Trump
Speaker 1: on TV, destroying everything you have accomplished. Laura Ingram writing, Mark,
Speaker 1: the president needs to tell the people in the Capitol
Speaker 1: to go home. This is hurting all of us. He
Speaker 1: is destroying his legacy. Oh man, this is so amazing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: because you realized Fox News has spent the whole year
Speaker 1: acting like January six was nothing, just not thing. It's
Speaker 1: just a few you know, patriots, just having their voices here.
Speaker 1: But it turns out that in private, they were freaking
Speaker 1: out about it, freaking out. It's like finding out the
Speaker 1: flight attendant who's been telling you that it's just a
Speaker 1: little turbulence is actually going back into the cockpit, Like,
Speaker 1: doesn't anybody know how to fly this thing? We're all
Speaker 1: gonna die. On your left you can see the rocky mountains,
Speaker 1: really beautiful. Just pre stay in your seat, folks. And
Speaker 1: I love that they were so concerned that this could
Speaker 1: ruin Trump's legacy. If he gets somebody killed today, no
Speaker 1: one will remember that time he told everyone to drink bleach.
Speaker 1: It's crazy that CNN fired Chris Cuomo because he was
Speaker 1: caught giving secret advice to a politician his brother. But
Speaker 1: now it turns out that basically everyone at Fox News
Speaker 1: was giving secret advice to President Trump and these people.
Speaker 1: But I mean, I guess that's what makes it okay. Yeah, Like,
Speaker 1: if one person at your network has no integrity, that's
Speaker 1: a problem. If nobody has integrity, that's a company policy.
Speaker 1: Fox News, we all Ireland. But the best part of
Speaker 1: this text dump is that it wasn't just Fox hosts
Speaker 1: who were freaking out about Trump's response to the riot. No,
Speaker 1: there were also texts from President Trump's oldest son and
Speaker 1: men who never has to worry about chin cancer down Jr.
Speaker 1: As the violence continued, one of the president's sons texted
Speaker 1: Mr Meadows quote, He's got to condemn this ship asap.
Speaker 1: The Capitol Police tweet is not enough, Donald Trump Junior texted.
Speaker 1: Donald Trump Junior texted again and again, urging action by
Speaker 1: the president. Quote, we need an Oval Office address. He
Speaker 1: has to lead now. It has gone too far and
Speaker 1: gotten out of hand. It appears that Dawn Junior himself
Speaker 1: thought the insurrection had gone too far and had gotten
Speaker 1: out of hand, which suggests that he was okay with
Speaker 1: an insurrection that was a little more in control. WHOA,
Speaker 1: what's with all this violence? I kind of thought we
Speaker 1: could overthrow the government in like a cool, fun way,
Speaker 1: like Oceans eleven, Like we sneak in and still democracy
Speaker 1: before anyone noticed, and we're all wearing cool suits, and
Speaker 1: George Clooney is like, you guys are cool, and I'd
Speaker 1: be like, you're cool, George Clooney something like that. Now,
Speaker 1: clearly Don Junior's texts didn't work, which, honestly, I'm kind
Speaker 1: of glad about, because the only thing worse than an
Speaker 1: insurrection would have been having to thank Don Junior for
Speaker 1: stopping an insurrection. Thank you for saving democracy, Don Junior.
Speaker 1: But still seeing Don Junior desperately trying to get a
Speaker 1: message to his own father, I mean that tells you
Speaker 1: a lot about their relationship, right, And those those aren't
Speaker 1: even the only texts that he sent Mark Meadows that day.
Speaker 1: In fact, a source has provided the Daily Show with
Speaker 1: additional texts, and I'm going to read them to you
Speaker 1: right now. Later that day, Don Jr. Texted Mark Meadows again, quote,
Speaker 1: hey man, I just wanted to see if you pass
Speaker 1: those messages to my dad yet, And then quote, actually,
Speaker 1: it might be easier if you gave me my dad's
Speaker 1: numbers so I can text him directly, question Mark. Some
Speaker 1: time passed, and then another text let me know about
Speaker 1: my dad's number, but no, Rush, I know ship is
Speaker 1: cray Law. And finally that night, quote, come on, man,
Speaker 1: at least give me his email, and then three prayer
Speaker 1: hands emojis. There was no response, So yes, January six,
Speaker 1: riot rocked America to its care, but even worse, it
Speaker 1: broke Don Junior's hearts. Hilarious. All right, when we come back,
Speaker 1: we'll take a look at all the biggest scams of
Speaker 1: and Chelsea Handler is my guest, which means she's joining
Speaker 1: me on the show. You don't want to miss it.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Daily Show. Is almost over, and
Speaker 1: I think we can all agree that compared to last year,
Speaker 1: it has been a perfect year. So for the rest
Speaker 1: of the month, we'll be remembering all of best moments
Speaker 1: in our year end segments, look back the least bad
Speaker 1: year of the last two years. To night, Michael Costa
Speaker 1: takes a look at all the top scams of the year.
Speaker 1: A lot changed in the length of Kanye's name, the
Speaker 1: energy level of our president, my in laws, Hulu password,
Speaker 1: but one thing that didn't change is that people still
Speaker 1: fell for anything. You know how they say a sucker
Speaker 1: is born every minute, Well, this year there was more
Speaker 1: sucking going on than an orgy at the Dyson factory.
Speaker 1: Starting with one of the most ridiculous scams. People fell
Speaker 1: for n f t s otherwise known as non fungible tokens.
Speaker 1: It's basically when you buy the rights to a piece
Speaker 1: of digital art and hang onto your Apple wallets. They
Speaker 1: got pretty expensive. Two hundred thousand dollars for a Lebron
Speaker 1: James dunking clip, six hundred thousand for I don't even
Speaker 1: know what that is in the middle, and millions for
Speaker 1: Jack Dorsey's first tweet. This image of digital toilet paper
Speaker 1: is worth bucks for digital toilet paper. I guess it'll
Speaker 1: come in handy when I have to take a dump.
Speaker 1: In the metaverse, sadly, gullible idiots spent millions on n
Speaker 1: f t s thinking they have actual value, when in
Speaker 1: reality they can become worthless at any time, which I
Speaker 1: found out the hard way when I sold my house
Speaker 1: to buy this n f D of a dog wearing pantyhose.
Speaker 1: What can I say? I love art. My next favorite
Speaker 1: scam of was the meme stock. All year long, people
Speaker 1: were pumping money into terrible businesses just because the Internet
Speaker 1: thought it was cool. It was the financial equivalent of
Speaker 1: the tide Pod Challenge, and no stock was more memed
Speaker 1: than Game Stop. It's stock a bit declining in value
Speaker 1: for a long time because it's a store that tries
Speaker 1: to sell you video games that you can download at home,
Speaker 1: and if there's one thing gamers love, it's leaving their
Speaker 1: house ever. But of course, like all meme stocks, this
Speaker 1: whole thing is the big roller coaster ride, and the
Speaker 1: only question is who's the sucker Who's gonna be left
Speaker 1: holding the bag when the price crashes. Turns out it
Speaker 1: was me. I bought it all at the top. Not
Speaker 1: totally my fault. My cousin is a hedge fund manager,
Speaker 1: and he assured me that this thing was full proof. Anyway,
Speaker 1: He's living in Turks and Caicos now and I'm living
Speaker 1: in an airport la Quina. But let's move from Wall
Speaker 1: Street to Pennsylvania Avenue, home of the scam that kicked
Speaker 1: off is somehow still going strong. It's the biggest lie
Speaker 1: since that Fedora looks great on you. Trump's claims of
Speaker 1: voter fraud. He and the GOLP convinced his supporters that
Speaker 1: Joe Biden stole the election, which led to the January
Speaker 1: six insurrection a k a Q cella Maga palooza, white Stock.
Speaker 1: I mean, guys, come up. If the election had been rigged,
Speaker 1: we would know by now, probably because Biden would have
Speaker 1: accidentally set it in a speech. The man has no filter,
Speaker 1: but Instead, people were foolishly led to believe that they
Speaker 1: could actually stop the election from being certified. But the
Speaker 1: truth is that was never possible. Unfortunately I only found
Speaker 1: that out after I got mazed by Capitol police inside
Speaker 1: Chuck Schumer's office. I got his mouse bad as a souvenir,
Speaker 1: though still has some chicken salad stains on it. Anyway,
Speaker 1: as I said up my bail hearing, I deeply regret
Speaker 1: my participation. Let's move on to CRT, or critical race theory.
Speaker 1: This was a big scam spread by right wing culture
Speaker 1: warriors that suggested your kids elementary school was teaching white
Speaker 1: kids that slavery was their fault and some parents they
Speaker 1: bought at hook line and Sinker. The Western culture and
Speaker 1: values that brought forth Christianity and the Founding Documents are
Speaker 1: being called evil and racist market cancer. Just because I
Speaker 1: do not want critical race theory taught to my children
Speaker 1: in school does not mean that I have a racist
Speaker 1: dam See our tea is evil. If I lived in
Speaker 1: the school zone or had a kid, I would pull
Speaker 1: him out of this school forever. Oh yeah, I forgot that.
Speaker 1: I was part of that too, So I got got again.
Speaker 1: But the scam that best sums up without a doubt
Speaker 1: iver mecton. It was the medicine for people who would
Speaker 1: take anything to prevent COVID except for the free and
Speaker 1: effective vaccine that could prevent COVID. So some pretty twisted
Speaker 1: individuals took this opportunity to promote the idea that a
Speaker 1: veterinary grade horse de Wermer could prevent entreat COVID, and
Speaker 1: people fell for it so bad that pet stores even
Speaker 1: started selling out of it, which really sucks for the horses.
Speaker 1: It's bad enough humans give them names like Daddy's Velvet
Speaker 1: and Smoky Midnight Blossom. Now people were taking all their medicine.
Speaker 1: Although full disclosure, I did take something, but in my defense,
Speaker 1: it seemed like such a bad idea that it made
Speaker 1: me think maybe it wasn't a bad idea. That's how
Speaker 1: they get you sometimes. Anyway, long story short, I came
Speaker 1: down with something my vet is calling horse diarrhea. I
Speaker 1: don't know exactly what that means because that's the clinical term,
Speaker 1: but to be honest, I've never felt so worm free
Speaker 1: in my entire life. So as we go into let's
Speaker 1: take with us the lessons we learned this year. Stay vigilant,
Speaker 1: Be smart, and do your own research, but not in
Speaker 1: the crazy way. The only way to protect yourself from
Speaker 1: getting scam is to Oh, holy sh it, Bill Gates
Speaker 1: just emailed me and he wants to send me some cash.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be rich. Who who? Thank you so much
Speaker 1: for that, Michael. All right, when we come back, the
Speaker 1: hilarious Chelsea Handler will be joining me right here in
Speaker 1: the studio, so don't go away. Welcome back to the
Speaker 1: Daily Show. My guest tonight's is best selling author and
Speaker 1: comedian Chelsea Handler. She'sy to talk about her vaccinated and
Speaker 1: horny stand up to her and her recent Grammy nomination.
Speaker 1: Chelsea Handler, Welcome to the show. Hi, Trevor, how are you.
Speaker 1: I've been better, but I'm good. I'm getting that every day.
Speaker 1: How are you. I'm doing well. I noticed that you
Speaker 1: got a new studio here. The last time I was here,
Speaker 1: we were somewhere else, yes, which means we weren't here,
Speaker 1: but yes, yeah, yeah, exactly, that's exactly what it means. Anyway,
Speaker 1: congratulations on the upgrade. The rooms were delightful, Thank you
Speaker 1: very much. Thank you so much. It's like a work
Speaker 1: in progress of life, and I feel like we're all
Speaker 1: in it right now. It's like nothing is back to normal.
Speaker 1: We're in the hybrid phase and then you know, we're
Speaker 1: gonna get ready to go back to a different phase
Speaker 1: of life, and let's talk about you and your phases though.
Speaker 1: People's Choice Award. Congratulations, Oh my god, I beat you
Speaker 1: and the People's Choice Best Comedy to our category. I
Speaker 1: was in the category. Yeah, you were nominated for a
Speaker 1: People's Choice Award, but then I won. I wouldn't say
Speaker 1: congratulations had I known. I just thought you want an award.
Speaker 1: I thought you were being a big boy about it.
Speaker 1: I was gonna say, great, look at you. No, no, okay,
Speaker 1: well let's take it back, you guys, let's go back.
Speaker 1: But for real, congratulations, thank you, and congratulations like for me,
Speaker 1: I think, you know, for all of us as comedians.
Speaker 1: The Grammy nomination, I mean, you know this is the
Speaker 1: first one, right. No. I was in Hawaii with Joe
Speaker 1: Koy and I woke up and I, yeah, this is
Speaker 1: definitely my first one. And I got a text from
Speaker 1: my agent and she said, You've been nominated for a
Speaker 1: Grammy Award, And I was like, a Grammy for what?
Speaker 1: I mean? The irony? I have no rhythms I can't sing,
Speaker 1: I can't dance. And so I was like, Joe, I've
Speaker 1: been nominated for a Grammy. He's like, are you kidding me?
Speaker 1: So that's exciting, that's comedians have that feeling. It literally
Speaker 1: is a weird feel because you don't think of the
Speaker 1: Grammys as including like stand up in that way is
Speaker 1: that you do have the comedy album as well. And
Speaker 1: so I mean, I was just happy for you because
Speaker 1: I feel like you've just Chelsea, You've been making hits
Speaker 1: for a very long time, like your best selling author, right,
Speaker 1: what's five or six books? Now? How many? Six? Number
Speaker 1: one New York Times best selling books? I mean, but
Speaker 1: who am I to brag? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1: I just want to set the record straight. You know
Speaker 1: what I mean? Um, you have? I mean every TV
Speaker 1: show has been a hit. And now we're seeing the
Speaker 1: new Chelsea, the Chelsea and love. Yeah, right, people love it.
Speaker 1: They love to see me in love. Well, I think
Speaker 1: because for a long time people have only seen you
Speaker 1: as like the horny Chelsea. I mean, like even you're
Speaker 1: true like vaccinated in horny, like we know like that.
Speaker 1: Chelsea's like I'm drinking wine, I'm horny. And now this,
Speaker 1: Chelsea is like, well, I'm in love. I'm still horny,
Speaker 1: but more directed at one person now than it's ever been.
Speaker 1: And yeah, it's really nice to see the reaction from
Speaker 1: people being so happy that I'm in love. Like I
Speaker 1: didn't realize how many people were rooting for me, you know,
Speaker 1: Like I want to give people women my age hope. Like,
Speaker 1: you know, if you don't settle for all these idiots
Speaker 1: out there, the good one is gonna come. And I
Speaker 1: mean for men and women alike, you know, and people
Speaker 1: who don't identify as either. It's like when you set
Speaker 1: the standard for yourself that the tide rises. And yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that's true. One thing I've always wanted, though,
Speaker 1: is like what it's like to date a comedian. I
Speaker 1: don't think I have a could because I don't know,
Speaker 1: Like what are the rules If you're dating a comedian,
Speaker 1: then who gets the jokes? Because at some point you're
Speaker 1: having a conversation, a brilliant premise comes up? Who gets it? Yeah? Well,
Speaker 1: I mean we're pretty good about sharing that, you know.
Speaker 1: And Joe is like, uh, he's not your typical comedian.
Speaker 1: He's very very bright and cheerful, and it's infectious you know,
Speaker 1: he keeps everybody kind of up up, so, I mean
Speaker 1: it's a lot to hands on, especially for me because
Speaker 1: I'm such a sinister bitch. I'm like, well, but then
Speaker 1: after a while it wears off on you. You're like, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'm feeling pretty happy to these days. So we split
Speaker 1: the jokes, you know, like if he comes up with
Speaker 1: he sleeps with a c PAT machine on his face,
Speaker 1: for instance, because he's sleep apnia, so he sleeps with
Speaker 1: the contraptions. Yeah. Yeah, and I tried that. It was terrible.
Speaker 1: Oh do you have sleep appanie? No, I just tried
Speaker 1: the machine. It was just like a phase I was
Speaker 1: going through. I was just like, let's see how this goes.
Speaker 1: He sleeps with one of those on, and that's like
Speaker 1: it's like when he puts that on, it's like he
Speaker 1: is going into a submarine for the rest of the night.
Speaker 1: You know, it's out and see you later. I see
Speaker 1: you in the morning. There's no like romance with those things.
Speaker 1: There's no interruption of anything. Now, it's like you're on
Speaker 1: life support the whole night and then wake up. He's
Speaker 1: trying not to die. And then in the morning he
Speaker 1: wakes up to this piece of work. So I told him,
Speaker 1: you know, I was like, listen. He said something about
Speaker 1: the way I sleep, and I said, listen, I'm going
Speaker 1: to bed with an octopus every single night, so why
Speaker 1: don't you go? And he he uses that in his
Speaker 1: stand up, you know that because he talks about his
Speaker 1: sleep apnea. Apparently everybody's got sleep at me and most
Speaker 1: people don't know about it. So all these men out there,
Speaker 1: I understand it's a contraption and it's not hot, it's not.
Speaker 1: But I mean, if I'm sitting there sleeping with it
Speaker 1: every night, I bet you there's a lot more within
Speaker 1: That's that's like the definition of love. That's like true
Speaker 1: love is if you can see pep at night with
Speaker 1: the person next to you, then you know what's love,
Speaker 1: right exactly. You talk about everything in your stand up.
Speaker 1: I've always envied that about you, to be honest, Like,
Speaker 1: I love how you just you share everything in your life.
Speaker 1: You'll you'll make jokes about it, you'll have fun with it.
Speaker 1: There's no barriers for you. I mean you even joked
Speaker 1: about you wanting to have sex with Andrew Cuomo and
Speaker 1: then like dealing with like the him now being canceled,
Speaker 1: and also just like being found guilty of things like
Speaker 1: it to etcetera. Like as Chelsea Handler, I'd love to
Speaker 1: know where you got that confidence just to do that,
Speaker 1: Like where did that come from? Oh? Well thanks? I
Speaker 1: mean I have a lot of misplaced confidence. For a
Speaker 1: long time, I thought I could sing a dance until
Speaker 1: I tried off for the cheerleading squad and they tested
Speaker 1: me for scoliosis the next day. So I have a
Speaker 1: lot of confidence in areas until somebody flashes a big
Speaker 1: red light and says, don't do it. The Andrew Cuomo
Speaker 1: thing was very funny because when that didn't work out
Speaker 1: with you know, Andrew Cuomo, like he would nothing ever
Speaker 1: happened between us, but I had a big, you know,
Speaker 1: loud crush on him. My sister's like, Mom is cock
Speaker 1: blocking you from heaven? And I go, really, that's what
Speaker 1: you think Mom is doing up in heaven cock blocking me?
Speaker 1: And she's like, yeah, you need to be cock blocked
Speaker 1: by these people. And then yeah, she's like if you
Speaker 1: were with Andrew Cuomo, you would have never met Joe Koy.
Speaker 1: She's like, Mom's at work up there. I like this, Um,
Speaker 1: you're on tour. It's still happening. You've won the award
Speaker 1: for it over me. Congratulations, Um, Grammy, No, I'm not angry.
Speaker 1: I'm just better. Better. I think it's it's the time
Speaker 1: of the tragedy has not passed yet for me because
Speaker 1: I just found out about it. You you set down here. Yeah,
Speaker 1: this is a horrible time for me to find out.
Speaker 1: So we've got the tour, You got the Grammy nomination.
Speaker 1: What are you looking forward to. I've been really enjoying
Speaker 1: being on the road for this tour. It's been it's
Speaker 1: so great to be a reason, as you well know,
Speaker 1: to bring people back together for the very first time,
Speaker 1: to remind people about togetherness and humanity and you know,
Speaker 1: not focus on the politics of everything right now, because
Speaker 1: I'm so exhausted by all of that too. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think everyone is. Everyone's sick of it. Everyone's sick of
Speaker 1: me hearing and talking about it, and people are sick
Speaker 1: of talking about it. So it's been nice to have
Speaker 1: like a celebratory fun, you know, making fun of all
Speaker 1: the behavior we all got up to during COVID, which
Speaker 1: was seriously embarrassing. I mean, I was winning, you were embarrassed.
Speaker 1: I was windexing my food, my takeout food, for about
Speaker 1: three those I didn't get COVID, but I probably have cancer. Well,
Speaker 1: I'll tell you this, it's always a pleasure having you.
Speaker 1: I think this is the fifth time I've had you
Speaker 1: on the show. Congratulations on love, congratulations and all the success,
Speaker 1: and I hope to see you again for the next one.
Speaker 1: Thanks team very much. All Right, people, Tickets for Chelsea's
Speaker 1: Vaccinated and Horny Tour are available at Chelsea handler dot com.
Speaker 1: It's one of People's Choice Award over me, so go
Speaker 1: and watch it. All right, We're gonna take a quick break.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back after this. Well, that's our show
Speaker 1: for tonight's But before we go, our new Daily Show
Speaker 1: holiday merch has officially dropped. It's our Happy Belates on
Speaker 1: holiday sweatshirt, the only gift that won't have you worried
Speaker 1: about supply chain issues. So if you want to check
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Speaker 1: Until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine and
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